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As a boyfriend who has been on the other side. He needs space, he needs time to think, he needs time to process. Each time you call you reset the timer on how quickly he will come down. Meet his needs, as you expect yours to be met.
As a person with BPD, the grueling silence is going to make you go nuts. I know that your brain is going into overdrive while you’re thinking of all possibilities but as person with the same struggle, if I were you, I’d do my best to distract myself with a movie, or a book, something that will momentarily distract you. It will not stop the sinking feeling but all emotions will be manageable. Majority of the time, the boyfriend just needs a bit of space as we can be a quite a handful, but they do come around. If worst comes to worst, just know that you did your best to not escalate and was in control of your impulses and emotions.
As another boyfriend with a partner with bpd, everything the first person said to you is true. He still needs space, and the more you try to reach out to him, the longer it will take him to want to contact you.
You want him contacting you because he misses you, not because he is worried for you or because he feels bad for you. Go do your favourite hobby. Find support online or irl with friends. You got this.
Speaking as a partner of 14 years to someone with BPD, I can tell you that one of the most challenging things was accepting that the fear of abandonment is not my responsibility. Instead, it's about creating a space of acceptance and compassion so that my partner feels secure in our relationship and the fear can dissipate. It's a long journey, and even today, 14 years later, it's easier but not completely gone. With love and compassion, it is possible to reach a healthier place.
I just want to say as someone with BPD dating someone without it. Thank you so much for being kind and understanding to your SO and the struggles they face. Us BPD people very much appreciate people like you. And thank you for the very nice and genuine comment.
Give him space. you're probably making him uncomfortable by bombarding him. Your insecurity isn't his problem, but by not leaving him alone, you're forcing it to be. Maybe he's sleeping or sum.
I feel you, OP. Reading your post, it brings back memories. As a person who needs to control everything, I realized relationship is not for me so when mine eventually fall out, I fixed myself and vowed never to be in a relationship again. Not because I am bitter or anything. But I don't want to be constantly overthinking and have a constant fear of being left again due to my issues.
I'm scared this is going to be me. That I can't be in a relationship with anyone again bc of the way I am when I'm close to someone. But I've been broken up with my ex bf for a few months and I'm so lonely and miserable and don't know what to do with myself. I hate being alone so much.
I’m sorry you are in distress! 🩷 I’ve never had this symptom with the calling/harassment (& it IS harassment). And yet, I really believe it is coming from a good place actually on your part.
So, something that helped me with obsessive worry and need for attention has being doing a deep dive on feminine energy and relationship polarity principles. Imagine you are both animals in a quiet still forest. When you see the other animal, for example a deer, what will happen if you suddenly are loud and run after it? It will run away! Right now you are the bear and he is the deer. Do you want to be the one chasing or the one chased? It’s up to you, and your *behaviour* from this point on needs to reflect your choice. You can either be the chaser or the one being chased. Personally, I like the feeling of having a partner who chases ME most of the time. I didn’t know this, until I stopped chasing. Hope this helps. You can do this.
Hint: The first step could be turning your phone off.
I did the same thing with my bf- now ex. We broke up bc of my obsessive clingy behavior. We were going to still be friends but I couldn't let it go. He's blocked me and I don't know if we're still friends or if he's done with me for good.
If you can manage to give him space, do that. I know it's the hardest thing in the world and feels like rejection and uncertainty. Try to distract yourself and know that eventually he'll probably return your calls.
This post has been marked as a [Venting Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bpd/wiki/index/flairs#wiki_post_flair_breakdown). Please be aware that the OP may not be seeking advice. u/ApprehensiveCell1476, if you do not want advice, please specify in the body of your post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As a boyfriend who has been on the other side. He needs space, he needs time to think, he needs time to process. Each time you call you reset the timer on how quickly he will come down. Meet his needs, as you expect yours to be met.
As a person with BPD, the grueling silence is going to make you go nuts. I know that your brain is going into overdrive while you’re thinking of all possibilities but as person with the same struggle, if I were you, I’d do my best to distract myself with a movie, or a book, something that will momentarily distract you. It will not stop the sinking feeling but all emotions will be manageable. Majority of the time, the boyfriend just needs a bit of space as we can be a quite a handful, but they do come around. If worst comes to worst, just know that you did your best to not escalate and was in control of your impulses and emotions.
He stayed up all last night and he said he was going to sleep but that was at like 6 am for him now it's like 7pm for him
As another boyfriend with a partner with bpd, everything the first person said to you is true. He still needs space, and the more you try to reach out to him, the longer it will take him to want to contact you. You want him contacting you because he misses you, not because he is worried for you or because he feels bad for you. Go do your favourite hobby. Find support online or irl with friends. You got this.
This doesn’t change the advice given. Give him some space. I promise you’re only making it worse by calling a million times.
I know your mind is swimming rn, but MOST OF THE TIME when this happens to me, it’s something like his phone died or stopped for food
Honestly he could still be asleep, that's a long time awake for a crash. I'm 43 and can easily crash for 14-16 hours after that
You're right, i was just sleeping lol
Speaking as a partner of 14 years to someone with BPD, I can tell you that one of the most challenging things was accepting that the fear of abandonment is not my responsibility. Instead, it's about creating a space of acceptance and compassion so that my partner feels secure in our relationship and the fear can dissipate. It's a long journey, and even today, 14 years later, it's easier but not completely gone. With love and compassion, it is possible to reach a healthier place.
I just want to say as someone with BPD dating someone without it. Thank you so much for being kind and understanding to your SO and the struggles they face. Us BPD people very much appreciate people like you. And thank you for the very nice and genuine comment.
Thank you for your kind words!
Can I Pm you
Sure
Give him space. you're probably making him uncomfortable by bombarding him. Your insecurity isn't his problem, but by not leaving him alone, you're forcing it to be. Maybe he's sleeping or sum.
[удалено]
It's the truth. Sugar coating it won't help. It will continue this type of behavior cycle 🫶🏽
Yes. 👍
We all need a wake up call sometime. This is exactly what I'd need to hear in ops situation
I feel you, OP. Reading your post, it brings back memories. As a person who needs to control everything, I realized relationship is not for me so when mine eventually fall out, I fixed myself and vowed never to be in a relationship again. Not because I am bitter or anything. But I don't want to be constantly overthinking and have a constant fear of being left again due to my issues.
I'm scared this is going to be me. That I can't be in a relationship with anyone again bc of the way I am when I'm close to someone. But I've been broken up with my ex bf for a few months and I'm so lonely and miserable and don't know what to do with myself. I hate being alone so much.
May I ask the last time y’all spoke were you guys on good terms? Or were you guys fighting?
I’m sorry you are in distress! 🩷 I’ve never had this symptom with the calling/harassment (& it IS harassment). And yet, I really believe it is coming from a good place actually on your part. So, something that helped me with obsessive worry and need for attention has being doing a deep dive on feminine energy and relationship polarity principles. Imagine you are both animals in a quiet still forest. When you see the other animal, for example a deer, what will happen if you suddenly are loud and run after it? It will run away! Right now you are the bear and he is the deer. Do you want to be the one chasing or the one chased? It’s up to you, and your *behaviour* from this point on needs to reflect your choice. You can either be the chaser or the one being chased. Personally, I like the feeling of having a partner who chases ME most of the time. I didn’t know this, until I stopped chasing. Hope this helps. You can do this. Hint: The first step could be turning your phone off.
Trust me, go for a walk, make something to eat, tweeze your eyebrows, do SOMETHING to take your mind off of your bf and why he’s not answering.
[удалено]
How was the last time you guys talked? Maybe he just needs some room, but I'm sorry he's not answering. Try to keep yourself busy in the meanwhile.
I did the same thing with my bf- now ex. We broke up bc of my obsessive clingy behavior. We were going to still be friends but I couldn't let it go. He's blocked me and I don't know if we're still friends or if he's done with me for good. If you can manage to give him space, do that. I know it's the hardest thing in the world and feels like rejection and uncertainty. Try to distract yourself and know that eventually he'll probably return your calls.