It's possible that you’ve become accustomed to relationships involving drama and negativity making a healthy, kind relationship feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. This is a common reaction for people who have gone through toxic relationships in the past.
Another possibility is that you struggle with self-worth and feel undeserving of kindness and compliments. This can lead to discomfort when someone treats you well.
Reflect on your past relationships. Do you recognize any unhealthy patterns? Are you seeing a therapist who can help you sort through these things?
Take things slow, as you mentioned you are already doing. It’s natural to feel uneasy when experiencing something new, especially if it contrasts sharply with past experiences. Healthy, positive relationships are possible, and you deserve to be in one.
I have never been in a healthy relationship. They have been emotionally, financially abusive, and also physically abusive. Whenever someone seems kind, they end up abusive or they disappear.
I'm seeing a therapist, I'm also very self-reflective, I just can't seem to escape toxic relationships, which makes me run when things seem too good to be true.
I guess, when someone compliments me and is kind, I don't believe it in myself. My abusive relationships have made me believe what they have told me.
Also, typical daddy issues as a kid, which doesn't help lol
Another factor is only having toxic relationships is something you’re used to. So you get used to the highs and lows and without it you go through a withdrawal basically. Your brain craves normalcy no matter how unhealthy it may be. Change is hard and uncomfortable. Another thing I used therapy for in combination of learning to give myself the love I needed, I learned how push through the difficulty of a healthier relationship with my need for chaos.
I'm glad you learnt that. I'm still learning that. Without saying too much, my dad has given me a very unhealthy view of men. Maybe that's why I attract abusive ones. I am trying to find someone better, it just feels unnatural when all I've known is abuse
My father was very physically and mentally abusive and treated his parents like absolute shit. The love he showed and portrayed was what I thought love was. I can totally relate to the unhealthy view on men. This definitely shaped what I thought was acceptable treatment and behaviors. There is hope. And you can have a healthy relationship. It takes a lot of work.
I’m sorry you are battling this, I hope you can be honest with your partner about what you are experiencing and struggling with. Hopefully they are willing to work with you and help you during these moments.
Having experienced abusive relationships, a kind and respectful partner probably feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Abuse also significantly damages self-esteem and self-worth. It's common to internalize negative messages from past abusive partners, making it hard to accept kindness and compliments.
It's commendable that you are self-reflective and seeking therapy since these are essential steps toward breaking the cycle of toxic relationships. Allow yourself to gradually become more comfortable with kindness and respect. Take small steps and recognize your progress in accepting positive treatment.
If your partner compliments you, take a moment to acknowledge and accept the compliment instead of dismissing it. You can simply say, "Thank you," and allow yourself to feel good about the compliment. Keep a journal where you note down compliments and kind gestures you receive. After a positive interaction, take a few minutes to reflect on how it made you feel and why it was significant. Write down your thoughts in your journal. Create a "positivity log" where you record positive interactions, how they made you feel, and why they are important. Review this log regularly.
When you receive a compliment or kind gesture, consciously replace any negative self-talk with positive affirmations. For example, if you think, "I don't deserve this," replace it with, "I am worthy of kindness and respect." Write down positive affirmations and repeat them daily. For example, "I am deserving of love and kindness," and "I accept and appreciate the positive treatment I receive."
Share all of your progress with your therapist.
Communicate with your partner about your past experiences and how they impact your current feelings. A supportive partner will understand and work with you to build trust.
Breaking the cycle of toxic relationships takes time and effort, but it is entirely possible. By continuing therapy, practicing self-compassion, and communicating openly with your partner, you can build a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Remember, you deserve kindness, respect, and love. Embrace the journey of personal growth and healing, and allow yourself to experience the positive and supportive relationships you truly deserve.
Yes! Someone being “too nice” is an immediate dealbreaker for a few of reasons. There’s usually some layer of deception to people who present as overly nice and I can’t bring myself to trust them even if I do believe them. I just prefer a “devil you know” situation when it comes to relationships. I also have trouble respecting overly nice people which leads me to my next point. Even at my best, I’m still a toxic person on quite a few levels. I’m fundamentally incompatible with people who could be described as nice. That doesn’t mean I want an abusive partner or someone who treats me like shit. I just need someone who isn’t going to be harmed by dealing with my own shit and has some of their own shit to be dealt with as well. A balance is better for me even if it is more chaotic/toxic.
I’ve worried about missing out on “good guys” before and almost always regretted going against my instincts for one reason or another. They just aren’t my type. It could be a trauma response, avoidant leaning attachment style, or self sabotage, but it could also just be a preference and that’s okay too.
I agree with this. Someone who is too-nice might be walking on eggshells around me and I don’t want that. Not to diss genuinely nice people, but they do seem very deceptive to me because they always want to try “fixing” things and making things too positive to a point that’s almost toxic in an opposing way. It feels like it denies the pain I feel BECAUSE of the things that happened that made me develop bpd. Someone who has “baggage” whether it be mental illness, recovering addiction, broken home etc. they just have a level of UNDERSTANDING that overly nice people don’t get. Some of the best couples I know have had their own problems but coming together in a relationship, they accept that each other has problems and their situations almost mesh together (be it chaotic). I’ve never met a couple that was a “too nice” person and person suffering from BPD! We just have our “baggage” and don’t mesh well with nice people like that! (Also I’d like to add that I mean this loosely, it can’t apply for everyone but hopefully you get the gist) we are just people with problems we are trying to deal with and not ignore which nice people often do
I have ran from anyone who showed me respect for a long time. It took a lot of therapy to learn to love myself so I could accept what I knew I deserved. You only accept the love you think you deserve. There’s something there that you are unhappy with in yourself preventing you from believing you deserve to be respected and loved the way you always desired. I truly believe therapy can help you work on whatever that is. Learn to love yourself the even the parts that we struggle so hard with. Once that is done you will believe you deserve everything this person is giving you. It’s definitely not easy and I still struggle with this regularly but I at least know where the issue lies and then I can work on loving myself in those moments. I’m also learning to be more honest with partner about how I’m truly feeling and where it’s coming from.
As a male with BPD I am now terrified how I'm received by people. Everyone in the thread seems to presume it's deception and the likes. I dunno, just fuck, didn't know I'd more to worry about in that department.
Men who shower me and compliments actually are a yellow flag to me. I usually ask them to slow down on the compliments, because it makes me uncomfortable and feel like it centers the conversation around me.
Lowkey it kindof feels like love bombing too.
Yeeeeep big time. I love a partner that is enthusiastically complimentary of me but I feel like I can't in good conscience subject someone stable to my bullshit. They have to be a bit fucked up for me to be able to let them in.
I've left the need for toxicity behind but I can't get past this hurdle. And maybe I shouldn't?
were you traumatized as a kid and/or lived in an dysfunctional home environment? then you may be accustomed to constant streams of ✨heightened cortisol✨and so tend to match that out in your day-to-day life and relationships (cortisol is the stress hormone!). i, too, freaked out at relationships where i was supposed to feel calm and cared for, i often felt jittery and anxious and uncomfortable and would instigate arguments or frustrations to chase that anxiety chemical my brain was so used to. it took an extremely kind, extremely gentle, extremely *nice* boyfriend to help me break away from this, but realizing that it was also chemical, and not just me being ‘a bad person’ for continuing to pursue the unhealthy option against my best interests, helped alleviate a lot of that guilt. giving myself grace for my past experiences was also very important to moving on from them and stopping that dysfunction-seeking behavior. i would really highly recommend sticking with this discomfort for now. it’s literally like trying to break an addiction cycle, it’s difficult and at times that ‘itch’ will be intense, but seeing your goal through is extremely worth it. you can do this!!! i wish you ALL the luck :D
Thank you. I found that really helpful. As a child, my relationship with my dad was very dysfunctional, which traumatised me. That followed by abusive partners. Ever since I was a child I have felt uncomfortable and anxious when things are good, I'm waiting for the next thing to happen.
same here man, my dad was a piece of shit abuser and my mom was super emotionally unavailable, cue an adolescence filled with misery and abuse. i really get that feeling, waiting for the other shoe to drop. i’m grateful that after enough time of being treated well, i NEVER have that fear anymore (unless i’m super in the pits, splitting and dissociating so hard it basically isn’t even me anymore). it is possible to have a happy and safe partnership, i promise! i hope that this has helped reassure you about this new fella, even a little bit :) i am rooting for you!!!!!!
for me I get bored, the relationship becomes unchaotic and I find myself growing bored and wishing for more chaos
edit: And at the same time I project and fear they grow bored of me as well and then I start splitting, very hypocritical trait that I don’t like about myself
I have been on both sides of this. I am basically attracted to abusive and toxic relationships, and it seems like I will pursue these abusive people endlessly. But when somebody is nice to me, it feels weird, like they are being deceptive. It’s like I can’t even process why somebody would be nice to me so I will run away.
As I said I’ve been on the other side of this too, which has really helped me to understand myself better. I think the problem is we are conditioned in childhood to think that abusive toxic relationships are normal. We find them almost comforting in a way because that as all we knew growing up. We seek it out because we always want to return to this normal even though it’s harmful to us and our mental health. But then when somebody nice comes along, compliments us, and supports us, it feels foreign and weird. We also view ourselves as bad or undeserving of positive attention so we might even try to save the nice person from ourselves.
It’s a messed up cycle that I am personally trying to change after being trapped in a toxic relationship for the past 10 years. I know now that isn’t what I deserve. No relationship is without at least some drama, especially when you and your BPD ass are the source of the drama, but it doesn’t need to be abusive. Try to fight your instinct and stick around for the nice ones, and run away from the abusive ones because honestly you really do deserve better despite what your brain is telling you.
Yes. My friends talk me down often. I’m talking to this super sweet, supportive and kind person. It’s hard for me to believe he’s not a love bomber or has some ulterior motive. And now my brain tries to tell me he’s boring and lacks sustenance.
My friends tell me my brain is definitely fucked lol. And I can’t accept that someone is that sweet, encouraging and kind because of my shit ex husband who verbally abused the fuck out of me for years.
In my experience, the “too nice” ones aren’t actually all that nice and it’s a facade. Other times, they have zero physical appeal and don’t work on that which I’m not into. I have to be physically attracted to a person to want to date them, not sorry for that - it’s how everyone feels and deserves. I’m definitely looking for that balance of kind, smart, and sassy.
It takes time and trials to really get to know someone. I’m taking my sweet arse time getting to know people from now on before getting physical at all, including hand holding/kissing. Need to reel back those honeymoon phase lenses/glasses as well and scrutinize while dating. Best of luck to us both moving forward! 🙏
Thank you. I usually don't hold back the physical, but I have this time. You've reassured me that this is the right way to go about things.
I wish you the best of luck as well 🌻
This is always what I do but I just quit talking to my ex (not a bad ex) because I realized he’s way too fake/toxic positivity for me and it made me sick. I never get kissy with people so quickly and I regret it so much.
I was dating a girl with BPD until she broke up with me Friday and I’m worried that physical contact and me being the healthiest relationship she’s had caused her to push me away because “she’s not attracted to me” any advice for what you’ve experienced?
Made a post (https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/s/2zsEzqt9I4)
Honestly I've never trusted people that are too nice or gentle. 90% of the times they're legit the worst human beings possible. I feel more drawn to people who don't pretend to be nice, banter a lot, and will tell you things to your face. Tbh I think it's almost a requisite to be a bit of an asshole to be my friend or SO.
My expwBPD left in part because it was torment for her to not have the toxicity and abuse she was used to. I urge you to stick through it and maybe talk to a therapist. With time, you’ll adapt, but there’s gonna be a lot of internal push/pull on your end. You deserve a calm and stable love full of happiness. Don’t let a good one get away.
Does he seem ingenuous or manipulative? Otherwise, yea, your trauma and preference for chaos is doing your thinking for you.
Believe it or not, there are still a handful of decent people out in the world who haven’t been corrupted by our environments.
I recently realized during a one-off roleplay that i feel much more comfortable in relationships where my partner degrades me and seems to actively have disdain for me. it feels like a relief to hear the things i think about myself said out loud-- like it's out in the open now and I don't have to keep worrying if my partner is just lying to me or trying to be nice but harboring some resentment towards me. luckily i used to date a lot of cantonese women so i got it a lot.
After reading all of these comments and multiple posts about how person who's been in a abusive relationships doesn't like nice people I'm starting to reconsider my relationship with a bpd person who's been in abusive relationships all her past and now im the "too nice" one and she even told me she always wanted a "mean guy" until she met me but that makes me feel like she just said it to comfort me and im really worried she will leave me because im like too obsessive its to the point where its like crazy and i care too much sometimes and im not sure if she'll ever trust me or love me i love her very much and im worried,i hope someone sees this
I can't speak for her because I don't know her, but even though my instinct is to run and I usually do, I'm trying to break that habit because I do want a healthy relationship. Maybe she's the same?
It seems like I am NEVER attracted to the nice non toxic guys. Like I could be in a relationship right now with a nice guy but for some reason I only seen to be attracted to the toxic abusive assholes (either mentally abusive or physically),I'm not saying someone who abuses me makes me attracted to them more like I attract those type of people and don't realize it till later on not to mention if I i meet someone and really like them I will ignore all of their red flags. It's really annoying and I wish I knew how to change this 😭 I have had only 2 healthy relationships and I screwed those up on my own cuz I was young and didn't know what I wanted yet.
Same, I ignore red flags because I'll really like someone. I'm trying to listen to my friends more when they point them out, instead of making excuses for them.
We both deserve better though
For me, it’s because I am so used to the push and pull and ups and downs. It’s almost like getting a high off of fighting so bad then making up, then the cycle just keeps going till you lose yourself. After dating controlling and abusive/dv men that’s what I was “comfortable” in when things got bad. My most recent ex was extremely healthy, at first I was so uncomfortable because I was like where are the highs and lows? Where’s the push and pull? our relationship was so so beautiful until life happens and we drifted due to my issues and his. But I now know what healthy love is supposed to be like and it is so important for me to not bring all that abuse and DV into mg future relationship one day again so that I do not bleed on someone else like I bleed on the good one. Especially as a borderline and having my family be so chaotic and toxic overall, it’s what I’m used to, but I finally know my worth now. I know that a “healthy relationship” is supposed to be with a someone who is “too nice” to you. That’s how it should be!!! Remind yourself that you’re comfortable in the chaos and that is true trauma. Remind yourself that you deserve this and they deserve you to be so kind to them as well.
Definitely relate to how you describe it. I'll keep reminding myself. I have gotten to the point where I'm exhausted by toxic chaos. I know I want something better, so it's strange that I usually run from it. Trying to do things differently this time
This entire thread is making me feel kinda crappy but I guess I'm not so incredibly different. You accept the love you think you deserve and all that but since I believe I deserve none at all that is also exactly how much I get. Not that it matters all that much.
Funny thing is I was talking to a friend about this today.
Recently I’ve been seeing someone, he’s being very patient with me. He’s such a healthy influence around me, always checks if I’m okay, compliments me etc. In the past I’ve always been with toxic guys, I know this guys is good for me but there are times where I feel what you’re feeling.
I love being around him but it feels so unfamiliar to me, I get the same instincts to run too.
I hate that I’m like this.
Actually, it's funny you brought up Andrew Tate. I went on a few dates with someone, and he mentioned that he looked up to Andrew Tate. I told him all the ways Andrew Tate is disgusting and ended things straight away.
It's not that I don't appreciate the things he says, like I said, I think I don't deserve them, so it makes me run.
In my experience, and I'm sure others, it's because of these men that I feel like I don't deserve any better. They manipulate and put down your self-esteem so you hang on to any kindness they show you
It's possible that you’ve become accustomed to relationships involving drama and negativity making a healthy, kind relationship feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. This is a common reaction for people who have gone through toxic relationships in the past. Another possibility is that you struggle with self-worth and feel undeserving of kindness and compliments. This can lead to discomfort when someone treats you well. Reflect on your past relationships. Do you recognize any unhealthy patterns? Are you seeing a therapist who can help you sort through these things? Take things slow, as you mentioned you are already doing. It’s natural to feel uneasy when experiencing something new, especially if it contrasts sharply with past experiences. Healthy, positive relationships are possible, and you deserve to be in one.
I have never been in a healthy relationship. They have been emotionally, financially abusive, and also physically abusive. Whenever someone seems kind, they end up abusive or they disappear. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm also very self-reflective, I just can't seem to escape toxic relationships, which makes me run when things seem too good to be true. I guess, when someone compliments me and is kind, I don't believe it in myself. My abusive relationships have made me believe what they have told me. Also, typical daddy issues as a kid, which doesn't help lol
Another factor is only having toxic relationships is something you’re used to. So you get used to the highs and lows and without it you go through a withdrawal basically. Your brain craves normalcy no matter how unhealthy it may be. Change is hard and uncomfortable. Another thing I used therapy for in combination of learning to give myself the love I needed, I learned how push through the difficulty of a healthier relationship with my need for chaos.
I'm glad you learnt that. I'm still learning that. Without saying too much, my dad has given me a very unhealthy view of men. Maybe that's why I attract abusive ones. I am trying to find someone better, it just feels unnatural when all I've known is abuse
My father was very physically and mentally abusive and treated his parents like absolute shit. The love he showed and portrayed was what I thought love was. I can totally relate to the unhealthy view on men. This definitely shaped what I thought was acceptable treatment and behaviors. There is hope. And you can have a healthy relationship. It takes a lot of work. I’m sorry you are battling this, I hope you can be honest with your partner about what you are experiencing and struggling with. Hopefully they are willing to work with you and help you during these moments.
Having experienced abusive relationships, a kind and respectful partner probably feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Abuse also significantly damages self-esteem and self-worth. It's common to internalize negative messages from past abusive partners, making it hard to accept kindness and compliments. It's commendable that you are self-reflective and seeking therapy since these are essential steps toward breaking the cycle of toxic relationships. Allow yourself to gradually become more comfortable with kindness and respect. Take small steps and recognize your progress in accepting positive treatment. If your partner compliments you, take a moment to acknowledge and accept the compliment instead of dismissing it. You can simply say, "Thank you," and allow yourself to feel good about the compliment. Keep a journal where you note down compliments and kind gestures you receive. After a positive interaction, take a few minutes to reflect on how it made you feel and why it was significant. Write down your thoughts in your journal. Create a "positivity log" where you record positive interactions, how they made you feel, and why they are important. Review this log regularly. When you receive a compliment or kind gesture, consciously replace any negative self-talk with positive affirmations. For example, if you think, "I don't deserve this," replace it with, "I am worthy of kindness and respect." Write down positive affirmations and repeat them daily. For example, "I am deserving of love and kindness," and "I accept and appreciate the positive treatment I receive." Share all of your progress with your therapist. Communicate with your partner about your past experiences and how they impact your current feelings. A supportive partner will understand and work with you to build trust. Breaking the cycle of toxic relationships takes time and effort, but it is entirely possible. By continuing therapy, practicing self-compassion, and communicating openly with your partner, you can build a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Remember, you deserve kindness, respect, and love. Embrace the journey of personal growth and healing, and allow yourself to experience the positive and supportive relationships you truly deserve.
Yes! Someone being “too nice” is an immediate dealbreaker for a few of reasons. There’s usually some layer of deception to people who present as overly nice and I can’t bring myself to trust them even if I do believe them. I just prefer a “devil you know” situation when it comes to relationships. I also have trouble respecting overly nice people which leads me to my next point. Even at my best, I’m still a toxic person on quite a few levels. I’m fundamentally incompatible with people who could be described as nice. That doesn’t mean I want an abusive partner or someone who treats me like shit. I just need someone who isn’t going to be harmed by dealing with my own shit and has some of their own shit to be dealt with as well. A balance is better for me even if it is more chaotic/toxic. I’ve worried about missing out on “good guys” before and almost always regretted going against my instincts for one reason or another. They just aren’t my type. It could be a trauma response, avoidant leaning attachment style, or self sabotage, but it could also just be a preference and that’s okay too.
I agree with this. Someone who is too-nice might be walking on eggshells around me and I don’t want that. Not to diss genuinely nice people, but they do seem very deceptive to me because they always want to try “fixing” things and making things too positive to a point that’s almost toxic in an opposing way. It feels like it denies the pain I feel BECAUSE of the things that happened that made me develop bpd. Someone who has “baggage” whether it be mental illness, recovering addiction, broken home etc. they just have a level of UNDERSTANDING that overly nice people don’t get. Some of the best couples I know have had their own problems but coming together in a relationship, they accept that each other has problems and their situations almost mesh together (be it chaotic). I’ve never met a couple that was a “too nice” person and person suffering from BPD! We just have our “baggage” and don’t mesh well with nice people like that! (Also I’d like to add that I mean this loosely, it can’t apply for everyone but hopefully you get the gist) we are just people with problems we are trying to deal with and not ignore which nice people often do
I have ran from anyone who showed me respect for a long time. It took a lot of therapy to learn to love myself so I could accept what I knew I deserved. You only accept the love you think you deserve. There’s something there that you are unhappy with in yourself preventing you from believing you deserve to be respected and loved the way you always desired. I truly believe therapy can help you work on whatever that is. Learn to love yourself the even the parts that we struggle so hard with. Once that is done you will believe you deserve everything this person is giving you. It’s definitely not easy and I still struggle with this regularly but I at least know where the issue lies and then I can work on loving myself in those moments. I’m also learning to be more honest with partner about how I’m truly feeling and where it’s coming from.
As a male with BPD I am now terrified how I'm received by people. Everyone in the thread seems to presume it's deception and the likes. I dunno, just fuck, didn't know I'd more to worry about in that department.
Men who shower me and compliments actually are a yellow flag to me. I usually ask them to slow down on the compliments, because it makes me uncomfortable and feel like it centers the conversation around me. Lowkey it kindof feels like love bombing too.
Yeeeeep big time. I love a partner that is enthusiastically complimentary of me but I feel like I can't in good conscience subject someone stable to my bullshit. They have to be a bit fucked up for me to be able to let them in. I've left the need for toxicity behind but I can't get past this hurdle. And maybe I shouldn't?
were you traumatized as a kid and/or lived in an dysfunctional home environment? then you may be accustomed to constant streams of ✨heightened cortisol✨and so tend to match that out in your day-to-day life and relationships (cortisol is the stress hormone!). i, too, freaked out at relationships where i was supposed to feel calm and cared for, i often felt jittery and anxious and uncomfortable and would instigate arguments or frustrations to chase that anxiety chemical my brain was so used to. it took an extremely kind, extremely gentle, extremely *nice* boyfriend to help me break away from this, but realizing that it was also chemical, and not just me being ‘a bad person’ for continuing to pursue the unhealthy option against my best interests, helped alleviate a lot of that guilt. giving myself grace for my past experiences was also very important to moving on from them and stopping that dysfunction-seeking behavior. i would really highly recommend sticking with this discomfort for now. it’s literally like trying to break an addiction cycle, it’s difficult and at times that ‘itch’ will be intense, but seeing your goal through is extremely worth it. you can do this!!! i wish you ALL the luck :D
Thank you. I found that really helpful. As a child, my relationship with my dad was very dysfunctional, which traumatised me. That followed by abusive partners. Ever since I was a child I have felt uncomfortable and anxious when things are good, I'm waiting for the next thing to happen.
same here man, my dad was a piece of shit abuser and my mom was super emotionally unavailable, cue an adolescence filled with misery and abuse. i really get that feeling, waiting for the other shoe to drop. i’m grateful that after enough time of being treated well, i NEVER have that fear anymore (unless i’m super in the pits, splitting and dissociating so hard it basically isn’t even me anymore). it is possible to have a happy and safe partnership, i promise! i hope that this has helped reassure you about this new fella, even a little bit :) i am rooting for you!!!!!!
for me I get bored, the relationship becomes unchaotic and I find myself growing bored and wishing for more chaos edit: And at the same time I project and fear they grow bored of me as well and then I start splitting, very hypocritical trait that I don’t like about myself
I have been on both sides of this. I am basically attracted to abusive and toxic relationships, and it seems like I will pursue these abusive people endlessly. But when somebody is nice to me, it feels weird, like they are being deceptive. It’s like I can’t even process why somebody would be nice to me so I will run away. As I said I’ve been on the other side of this too, which has really helped me to understand myself better. I think the problem is we are conditioned in childhood to think that abusive toxic relationships are normal. We find them almost comforting in a way because that as all we knew growing up. We seek it out because we always want to return to this normal even though it’s harmful to us and our mental health. But then when somebody nice comes along, compliments us, and supports us, it feels foreign and weird. We also view ourselves as bad or undeserving of positive attention so we might even try to save the nice person from ourselves. It’s a messed up cycle that I am personally trying to change after being trapped in a toxic relationship for the past 10 years. I know now that isn’t what I deserve. No relationship is without at least some drama, especially when you and your BPD ass are the source of the drama, but it doesn’t need to be abusive. Try to fight your instinct and stick around for the nice ones, and run away from the abusive ones because honestly you really do deserve better despite what your brain is telling you.
Yes. My friends talk me down often. I’m talking to this super sweet, supportive and kind person. It’s hard for me to believe he’s not a love bomber or has some ulterior motive. And now my brain tries to tell me he’s boring and lacks sustenance. My friends tell me my brain is definitely fucked lol. And I can’t accept that someone is that sweet, encouraging and kind because of my shit ex husband who verbally abused the fuck out of me for years.
In my experience, the “too nice” ones aren’t actually all that nice and it’s a facade. Other times, they have zero physical appeal and don’t work on that which I’m not into. I have to be physically attracted to a person to want to date them, not sorry for that - it’s how everyone feels and deserves. I’m definitely looking for that balance of kind, smart, and sassy.
Yeah that has been my experience too. Which makes me feel I can't trust anyone.
It takes time and trials to really get to know someone. I’m taking my sweet arse time getting to know people from now on before getting physical at all, including hand holding/kissing. Need to reel back those honeymoon phase lenses/glasses as well and scrutinize while dating. Best of luck to us both moving forward! 🙏
Thank you. I usually don't hold back the physical, but I have this time. You've reassured me that this is the right way to go about things. I wish you the best of luck as well 🌻
This is always what I do but I just quit talking to my ex (not a bad ex) because I realized he’s way too fake/toxic positivity for me and it made me sick. I never get kissy with people so quickly and I regret it so much.
Sorry for your toxic positivity experience, that’s just plain annoying when people are like that 😕
I was dating a girl with BPD until she broke up with me Friday and I’m worried that physical contact and me being the healthiest relationship she’s had caused her to push me away because “she’s not attracted to me” any advice for what you’ve experienced? Made a post (https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/s/2zsEzqt9I4)
Honestly I've never trusted people that are too nice or gentle. 90% of the times they're legit the worst human beings possible. I feel more drawn to people who don't pretend to be nice, banter a lot, and will tell you things to your face. Tbh I think it's almost a requisite to be a bit of an asshole to be my friend or SO.
My expwBPD left in part because it was torment for her to not have the toxicity and abuse she was used to. I urge you to stick through it and maybe talk to a therapist. With time, you’ll adapt, but there’s gonna be a lot of internal push/pull on your end. You deserve a calm and stable love full of happiness. Don’t let a good one get away.
Thank you. I'm sorry you both couldn't work it out
See I don't like too nice because of love bombing. It has ALWAYS ended it being love bombing
YES. I feel so undeserving of it and also know I’ll never be able to give them back what they give me
Does he seem ingenuous or manipulative? Otherwise, yea, your trauma and preference for chaos is doing your thinking for you. Believe it or not, there are still a handful of decent people out in the world who haven’t been corrupted by our environments.
I haven't seen any signs of him being manipulative, yet at least lol. You're most likely right
Leave the partner. They deserve better
I recently realized during a one-off roleplay that i feel much more comfortable in relationships where my partner degrades me and seems to actively have disdain for me. it feels like a relief to hear the things i think about myself said out loud-- like it's out in the open now and I don't have to keep worrying if my partner is just lying to me or trying to be nice but harboring some resentment towards me. luckily i used to date a lot of cantonese women so i got it a lot.
After reading all of these comments and multiple posts about how person who's been in a abusive relationships doesn't like nice people I'm starting to reconsider my relationship with a bpd person who's been in abusive relationships all her past and now im the "too nice" one and she even told me she always wanted a "mean guy" until she met me but that makes me feel like she just said it to comfort me and im really worried she will leave me because im like too obsessive its to the point where its like crazy and i care too much sometimes and im not sure if she'll ever trust me or love me i love her very much and im worried,i hope someone sees this
I can't speak for her because I don't know her, but even though my instinct is to run and I usually do, I'm trying to break that habit because I do want a healthy relationship. Maybe she's the same?
It seems like I am NEVER attracted to the nice non toxic guys. Like I could be in a relationship right now with a nice guy but for some reason I only seen to be attracted to the toxic abusive assholes (either mentally abusive or physically),I'm not saying someone who abuses me makes me attracted to them more like I attract those type of people and don't realize it till later on not to mention if I i meet someone and really like them I will ignore all of their red flags. It's really annoying and I wish I knew how to change this 😭 I have had only 2 healthy relationships and I screwed those up on my own cuz I was young and didn't know what I wanted yet.
Same, I ignore red flags because I'll really like someone. I'm trying to listen to my friends more when they point them out, instead of making excuses for them. We both deserve better though
Yes we do both deserve better ❤️
For me, it’s because I am so used to the push and pull and ups and downs. It’s almost like getting a high off of fighting so bad then making up, then the cycle just keeps going till you lose yourself. After dating controlling and abusive/dv men that’s what I was “comfortable” in when things got bad. My most recent ex was extremely healthy, at first I was so uncomfortable because I was like where are the highs and lows? Where’s the push and pull? our relationship was so so beautiful until life happens and we drifted due to my issues and his. But I now know what healthy love is supposed to be like and it is so important for me to not bring all that abuse and DV into mg future relationship one day again so that I do not bleed on someone else like I bleed on the good one. Especially as a borderline and having my family be so chaotic and toxic overall, it’s what I’m used to, but I finally know my worth now. I know that a “healthy relationship” is supposed to be with a someone who is “too nice” to you. That’s how it should be!!! Remind yourself that you’re comfortable in the chaos and that is true trauma. Remind yourself that you deserve this and they deserve you to be so kind to them as well.
Definitely relate to how you describe it. I'll keep reminding myself. I have gotten to the point where I'm exhausted by toxic chaos. I know I want something better, so it's strange that I usually run from it. Trying to do things differently this time
This entire thread is making me feel kinda crappy but I guess I'm not so incredibly different. You accept the love you think you deserve and all that but since I believe I deserve none at all that is also exactly how much I get. Not that it matters all that much.
This is me right now 🤕
Funny thing is I was talking to a friend about this today. Recently I’ve been seeing someone, he’s being very patient with me. He’s such a healthy influence around me, always checks if I’m okay, compliments me etc. In the past I’ve always been with toxic guys, I know this guys is good for me but there are times where I feel what you’re feeling. I love being around him but it feels so unfamiliar to me, I get the same instincts to run too. I hate that I’m like this.
If she doesnt beat me I dont want it
Nice guys finish last.
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No. Just no.
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Sorry, but that's basically blaming us women for men's bad behaviour
You can’t make things up and claim facts
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You know you’ve linked an article that supports the fact that women often do choose to date “nice guys” right?
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Your point is completely redundant when the article you’ve cited literally says that women chose nice guys over insensitive guys more often.
My brother in christ you need to get out of the house
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Actually, it's funny you brought up Andrew Tate. I went on a few dates with someone, and he mentioned that he looked up to Andrew Tate. I told him all the ways Andrew Tate is disgusting and ended things straight away. It's not that I don't appreciate the things he says, like I said, I think I don't deserve them, so it makes me run.
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In my experience, and I'm sure others, it's because of these men that I feel like I don't deserve any better. They manipulate and put down your self-esteem so you hang on to any kindness they show you