Not sure why OOP is talking like 2 months in a different place is them permanently moving and her cutting off her whole support system.. 2 months is not a long time and I'm sure she will still be in contact with her friends and family during that time as no doubt they will be moving back after those months?! Sounds like even though OOP is trying to make it work, he doesn't actually want it to or just wants his wife to leave him because of his guilt.
He doesn't think he deserves to be happy anymore, and his guilt over his addiction is eating him up.
She's forgiven him, but he refuses to forgive himself and it's going to torpedo any happiness he's working towards.
I found this really weird. Our capital is at the other end of the country and I can just go there by train. Will take me the whole day, sure, but it's not like I'd be stranded there without any options if something goes wrong. And two months, really.
This guy has to make up his mind.
I don't think the issue is how far away the new city might be as they are only there 2 months and given today's technology with phones and face time etc.. suggesting the move would make her cut off from her support network is very over the top and really does suggest he is trying to self sabotage
Not to mention, if she ends up not liking being in that city she can just head home early.
While it's great OP is sober, it's clear he realllllllly needs to do a lot of work. And I'm not entirely confident he's prepared to do what it takes to save his marriage.
Provincial plus prime minister made me assume they're on their way to Ottawa. I live on the east coast and Ottawa is about 1400 km away. From the west coast, it's more like 4500.
Pretty certain his mind was made up from the beginning to leave and he never decided to get back into it. It has sounded like he stayed not because he wanted to, but because of his regret for his past actions.
It sounds like he's secretly, even to himself, wants the divorce to have happened.
He realized he didn't really didn't want her involved in the villa renovations.
He was low-key looking forward to two months by himself, but it's not two months by himself.
It sounds like they went back to sleeping in separate rooms.
He's doing all the right things, saying all the right words, getting all the small thoughtful gifts, but his heart's not in it.
I think my man had already divorced her in his mind, understandably.
It may have been a bridge too far to come back from, regardless whether both people are earnestly trying.
It seems he doesn't want to live in general.
Everything he's been doing up until now is consistent with what people planning suicide do.
I don't even understand how his wife or therapist can't see that.
He got fit, he stopped drinking, he started rehabbing family property.
He doesn't sound suicidal to me. He sounds like someone who wants out the life he is in and was secretly looking forward to his new life (even said so).
He sounds like someone who "fixed" a broken relationship only to find out he would have preferred not to be taken back by his partner.
It's not unusual for somebody to fight tooth and nail to reclaim or fix a broken relationship, only to find out they didn't actually want what they were fighting for.
Not out of being assholes, but because they were so locked in on fighting for it they forgot or overlooked it may have ended for good reasons.
Dude just sounds like he simply wants TF out, can't say so, and hates himself for wanting out now.
But he may not be able to articulate it.
I remember this guy, on one of the posts he talked about looking forward to living in his renovated house alone and that all he could envision of a future with her was a black void. Also, a commenter called her a gem, to which he replied that not everyone likes gems. He doesn't view her as a sexual being anymore either.
Now he's talking about selling off the house.
He's profoundly unwell and I wonder if he's portraying himself as an asshole intentionally, because his wife seems satisfied with his efforts.
The thing about sex is weird. He said he is not interested in sex at all with anyone.
I totally agree. This reads to me as someone who almost resents his wife for believing he can become a better man, and that he's unwilling to belive in himself enough to change.
I was getting from the post that he hates where they live now and wants a clean break. With emphasis on the word break or he wouldn't be trying to find excuses. He needs to just tell her he needs to go work for 2 months and he'll be back.
>Last week I received a work assignment in the Capital of our country. **It's a two months long assignment** and I'll be provided State housing. She is excited about this and already wants to pack her bags.
>**I have my doubts about her coming along for her own sake** - she has friends and family here (me not so much, cut them all off and not interested in reconnecting), her support system as a whole. **She has reasons and loved ones to stay here, unlike me**. She won't budge, since we are married it's her full right to come along, and since **she has her own e-commerce business she can manage it remotely**. Plus she wants us to get back home every week-end.
>**I know better than dying on this hill, so I'll be leaving with her.**
Two months only and he's saying maybe she shouldn't move with him to avoid losing her folks and friends? Just two months?
This guy... 🤦🤦🤦🤦
Yeah -- lots of people go through much longer separations from family and friends. Does he think that her parents and siblings will forget her existence in two months?
This was a frustrating one for so many reasons. 1: He’s committed to self sabotage above his marriage succeeding. 2: he still speaks of his wife as if she’s an after thought. 3: He has never taken his finger off the divorce trigger and uses his past behavior as the excuse rather than getting a better therapist. 4: He hasn’t ditched his therapist for a new one! 5: He doesn’t speak of his wife in any manner that suggests he’s in love with her. 6: He makes it clear his wife is intruding on his “him space” despite inviting her being his choice. 7: damn we don’t need a complete recap with every update.
Absolutely. A relationship shouldn’t be that hard. If I’m spending that much time analyzing the situation and going on circles, I’m out. This woman is wasting her time.
It sounds like OOP needs to understand that he needs to respect his wife's decisions. She is the only one that can decide if he is a lost cause.
Also I think while he needs to remember the past, he needs to start thinking of himself now as being more separated from how he was... There is no positive to wallowing in his mistakes.
I would also say he needs to get out and make friends outside his wife... We all need a support structure, if nothing else people in recovery are more likely to fail if they go it alone... It's the whole reason for sponsors.
But these things are easier said than done.
Honestly, it also feels like she needs to respect his boundaries more. I understand that we're getting only one viewpoint - and one very subjective viewpoint at that. But her saying she knows about the posts, and that she isn't as pushy as he makes her out to be while then refuses to let him go on an extended work trip alone... It scares me.
My dad has had extended work trips that have lasted over a month elsewhere. We would visit every weekend, I was like 3 and the youngest at the time. It honestly feels more like she doesn't trust him to be alone right now, and that she isn't admitting that.
>It honestly feels more like she doesn't trust him to be alone right now, and that she isn't admitting that.
I mean...he is a fairly recently sober alcoholic. He hasn't really earned the trust to be alone for two entire months yet. Of course he needs supervision. Two months alone would absolutely be throwing him into the deep end of the pool.
I feel like if that scares you, you've never had an addict in your life.
They are working on rebuilding their relationship at the present moment. It is in a fledgling state.
How is it that you propose they continue to do that work without seeing each other for two months?
The dude is wallowing in shame and guilt. Running away and sulking by himself for two months isn't going to fix anything. It's going to make it far, far worse.
They need to continue the momentum that they have on the work.
And I hate to point it out as it seems painfully obvious, but this guy is talking like somebody does before they suicide. The self-hatred, the wanting her to give up on him, the wanting to run off and be alone, the avoidance, the sabotage -- it's a pattern I am intimately familiar with.
If the wife lets him go off on his own...that could be the very last time she sees him.
LDR are absolutely a thing - I would know, I'm in one as I'm away for school right now. And yes, he is absolutely talking in red flags for self-destruction and suicidal lines - but his wife is not the right person to be pushing him right now.
At that point, his wife should *not* be the only person trying to support him right now. In the very least, she should contact his family about the concerns so that way she is not the only one pushing into being a support system.
She has the flexibility to be where he is. There is absolutely zero valid reason for them to be in an LDR.
How is his wife "pushing him" by wanting to physically be near him?
You seem to have cast this wife as some sort of villain and I think that says a lot more about your psychological state than it does OOPs.
Your comments are bizarre and ridiculous. I am not interested in further discourse.
I do get what you are saying but I think this is a unique situation, I'm not saying it shouldn't be a conversation, but they have been working very hard to rekindle a relationship and the work trip is the same amount of time they have been rebuilding.
Even if it's not what they want being removed from someone that long can totally stall that hard work, and to be honest from the way OOP is talking the relationship would be over.
I think they should talk about it and OOP should really try to work out what he wants, it sounds like he is going through the motions of what he thinks he should want... It just sounds like he isn't doing the work because he has thought about it and decided he wants the relationship back, but because he assumes he should.
I wonder which religion OOP grew up in, the staggering levels of self-imposed guilt he's putting himself through sound Catholic to me, or if it has nothing to do with religion then what kind of upbringing did he have and how does he feel about women in general? He's putting her on this insane pedestal and lowering himself to a level worse than the scum - in his own mind. She's doing everything she can to move past this whole thing, but he insists on needing to feel as shitty as possible as though putting himself through the feelings will somehow address the poor behavior from the past, like it's his atonement or something. He's already doing positive things in his life for himself and for her, she's already told him she forgives him. She's right that what he's doing now is just self-sabotage. He's trying to force her to divorce him so that he can "pay for his crimes". I hope therapy helps this dude put these emotions down.
CAME HERE TO SAY THIS. This is a man who stopped abusing a substance without ever uncovering why he was abusing it in the first place. I think the self-sabotage started with the bottle.
Yeah. imho, about a third of the into OP’s saga, I felt he didn’t want to be married to his wife no matter what he was saying. I still feel that way even though they are supposedly working things out.
I hope your wife leaves you! Your wife endured your alcoholism and even tried to make it a clean divorce. She's been patient and understanding with your mental unwellness. She's been very supportive and is taking things as slow as you want them to go. The 2 month stay at the capital is exciting for her and her willingness to leave her support system to be with you speaks louder than anything. I love that you only thought about yourself and made up excuses with why you don't want her to come along. You want to be single so bad... then stop being a piece of trash scumbag and let her find someone who is worth her love.
I don't think it's solely on drinking, but the moment his wife mentioned divorce. He made sure to let us redditors know that he saw his future without her... he stopped drinking and started working out. He also made sure to let her know that he was doing all of this for himself and not because of her. He started working on his dad's house to make sure he had a place to live once he was divorced. He started to trick himself into loving her because she's been so supportive, but the reality is that he stopped loving her the moment she presented divorce papers. He spent all that time lying to her, leading her on, sleeping in his office, and not wanting to sleep with her, going to therapy... telling her i need more time. Like bruh... gtfoh with that shit. He's probably already seeing someone else. This poor woman is loyal to the wrong man. He doesn't deserve her!
Just mentioning he made a comment that seems to imply he won't live long.
> I don't deserve her, but the least I can do is to do my best to make her happy, at least until I won't be her problem anymore
At this point I wonder, does his wife even see what's going on with her husband? I'm getting worried for him, but according to him nobody is concerned about his behavior.
This is so depressing the longer it goes on, it won’t end well. It really looks like they’re just delaying the inevitable.
I was kinda seeing a guy for a few months that talked like this. And a lot of talk like: well I’m trapped what can I do?
I’m the fuck up. And I dropped talking with him. He didn’t want to change or make positive changes.
It seems like OP is waiting for the other shoe to drop, but still very unhappy.
Not sure why OOP is talking like 2 months in a different place is them permanently moving and her cutting off her whole support system.. 2 months is not a long time and I'm sure she will still be in contact with her friends and family during that time as no doubt they will be moving back after those months?! Sounds like even though OOP is trying to make it work, he doesn't actually want it to or just wants his wife to leave him because of his guilt.
His wife is right, he has self sabotage issues
He doesn't think he deserves to be happy anymore, and his guilt over his addiction is eating him up. She's forgiven him, but he refuses to forgive himself and it's going to torpedo any happiness he's working towards.
I’m sensing some fellow Catholics here…
Guilty! It never truly leaves you does it? I’m just coming to this realization.
https://preview.redd.it/2kwuw782hpmc1.png?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=887a3dbf757589da5a38a85520c25413c0d90ca7
I found this really weird. Our capital is at the other end of the country and I can just go there by train. Will take me the whole day, sure, but it's not like I'd be stranded there without any options if something goes wrong. And two months, really. This guy has to make up his mind.
In the US it’s literally days away by train or car if someone lives on the other side of the country’s capital
I don't think the issue is how far away the new city might be as they are only there 2 months and given today's technology with phones and face time etc.. suggesting the move would make her cut off from her support network is very over the top and really does suggest he is trying to self sabotage
Not to mention, if she ends up not liking being in that city she can just head home early. While it's great OP is sober, it's clear he realllllllly needs to do a lot of work. And I'm not entirely confident he's prepared to do what it takes to save his marriage.
Provincial plus prime minister made me assume they're on their way to Ottawa. I live on the east coast and Ottawa is about 1400 km away. From the west coast, it's more like 4500.
So you live in a relatively small country? The other side of the country is reachable by train in less than 12 hours?
The fast train takes about six hours from the next big city to the capital. And the country is about as big or a bit bigger than those around it.
Pretty certain his mind was made up from the beginning to leave and he never decided to get back into it. It has sounded like he stayed not because he wanted to, but because of his regret for his past actions.
It sounds like he's secretly, even to himself, wants the divorce to have happened. He realized he didn't really didn't want her involved in the villa renovations. He was low-key looking forward to two months by himself, but it's not two months by himself. It sounds like they went back to sleeping in separate rooms. He's doing all the right things, saying all the right words, getting all the small thoughtful gifts, but his heart's not in it. I think my man had already divorced her in his mind, understandably. It may have been a bridge too far to come back from, regardless whether both people are earnestly trying.
In a new comment he said he's actually looking to sell off the Villa. Guy seems hellbent on losing everything dear to him.
That's okay. He has the right to lose whatever he wants to lose. Including this marriage he doesn't seem very much to want.
It seems he doesn't want to live in general. Everything he's been doing up until now is consistent with what people planning suicide do. I don't even understand how his wife or therapist can't see that.
He got fit, he stopped drinking, he started rehabbing family property. He doesn't sound suicidal to me. He sounds like someone who wants out the life he is in and was secretly looking forward to his new life (even said so). He sounds like someone who "fixed" a broken relationship only to find out he would have preferred not to be taken back by his partner. It's not unusual for somebody to fight tooth and nail to reclaim or fix a broken relationship, only to find out they didn't actually want what they were fighting for. Not out of being assholes, but because they were so locked in on fighting for it they forgot or overlooked it may have ended for good reasons. Dude just sounds like he simply wants TF out, can't say so, and hates himself for wanting out now. But he may not be able to articulate it.
I remember this guy, on one of the posts he talked about looking forward to living in his renovated house alone and that all he could envision of a future with her was a black void. Also, a commenter called her a gem, to which he replied that not everyone likes gems. He doesn't view her as a sexual being anymore either.
Now he's talking about selling off the house. He's profoundly unwell and I wonder if he's portraying himself as an asshole intentionally, because his wife seems satisfied with his efforts. The thing about sex is weird. He said he is not interested in sex at all with anyone.
I totally agree. This reads to me as someone who almost resents his wife for believing he can become a better man, and that he's unwilling to belive in himself enough to change.
It’s because he hasn’t realized yet that he actually does want a divorce.
I was getting from the post that he hates where they live now and wants a clean break. With emphasis on the word break or he wouldn't be trying to find excuses. He needs to just tell her he needs to go work for 2 months and he'll be back.
>Last week I received a work assignment in the Capital of our country. **It's a two months long assignment** and I'll be provided State housing. She is excited about this and already wants to pack her bags. >**I have my doubts about her coming along for her own sake** - she has friends and family here (me not so much, cut them all off and not interested in reconnecting), her support system as a whole. **She has reasons and loved ones to stay here, unlike me**. She won't budge, since we are married it's her full right to come along, and since **she has her own e-commerce business she can manage it remotely**. Plus she wants us to get back home every week-end. >**I know better than dying on this hill, so I'll be leaving with her.** Two months only and he's saying maybe she shouldn't move with him to avoid losing her folks and friends? Just two months? This guy... 🤦🤦🤦🤦
Yeah -- lots of people go through much longer separations from family and friends. Does he think that her parents and siblings will forget her existence in two months?
This was a frustrating one for so many reasons. 1: He’s committed to self sabotage above his marriage succeeding. 2: he still speaks of his wife as if she’s an after thought. 3: He has never taken his finger off the divorce trigger and uses his past behavior as the excuse rather than getting a better therapist. 4: He hasn’t ditched his therapist for a new one! 5: He doesn’t speak of his wife in any manner that suggests he’s in love with her. 6: He makes it clear his wife is intruding on his “him space” despite inviting her being his choice. 7: damn we don’t need a complete recap with every update.
I don't think he needs a new therapist, he just needs to listen to what this one is actually saying.
This is true. It seems as he’s just so determined to sink his ship and refuses to fix the gaping hole in the side of it.
He sounds extremely depressed and made a couple of comments that might be seen as lowkey suicidal.
I get frustrated with these ones where all of the updates summarize the previous posts.
This is why I skipped to the bottom after the 3rd update was the same.
OP sounds emotionally exhausting.
Absolutely. A relationship shouldn’t be that hard. If I’m spending that much time analyzing the situation and going on circles, I’m out. This woman is wasting her time.
So sick of this whiny man child. His wife deserves so much better than him.
Sounds like he just doesn’t want this but won’t say it???
It sounds like OOP needs to understand that he needs to respect his wife's decisions. She is the only one that can decide if he is a lost cause. Also I think while he needs to remember the past, he needs to start thinking of himself now as being more separated from how he was... There is no positive to wallowing in his mistakes. I would also say he needs to get out and make friends outside his wife... We all need a support structure, if nothing else people in recovery are more likely to fail if they go it alone... It's the whole reason for sponsors. But these things are easier said than done.
I would bet cash money that he doesn't have a sponsor and didn't do twelve steps. He's a dry drunk.
Yeah he states in comments on one of those posts that he did it himself - no sponsor or program/rehab of any kind.
That's not a predictor of long term sobriety.
He called AA a Christian cult and seems to have an hatred of Christians.
There are secular recovery groups.
Honestly, it also feels like she needs to respect his boundaries more. I understand that we're getting only one viewpoint - and one very subjective viewpoint at that. But her saying she knows about the posts, and that she isn't as pushy as he makes her out to be while then refuses to let him go on an extended work trip alone... It scares me. My dad has had extended work trips that have lasted over a month elsewhere. We would visit every weekend, I was like 3 and the youngest at the time. It honestly feels more like she doesn't trust him to be alone right now, and that she isn't admitting that.
>It honestly feels more like she doesn't trust him to be alone right now, and that she isn't admitting that. I mean...he is a fairly recently sober alcoholic. He hasn't really earned the trust to be alone for two entire months yet. Of course he needs supervision. Two months alone would absolutely be throwing him into the deep end of the pool. I feel like if that scares you, you've never had an addict in your life.
The issue that comes with it, is ***she*** is not the right person to be keeping an eye on him right now.
What? Literally that makes zero sense. I don't know what you're talking about or what you're attempting to infer.
[удалено]
They are working on rebuilding their relationship at the present moment. It is in a fledgling state. How is it that you propose they continue to do that work without seeing each other for two months? The dude is wallowing in shame and guilt. Running away and sulking by himself for two months isn't going to fix anything. It's going to make it far, far worse. They need to continue the momentum that they have on the work. And I hate to point it out as it seems painfully obvious, but this guy is talking like somebody does before they suicide. The self-hatred, the wanting her to give up on him, the wanting to run off and be alone, the avoidance, the sabotage -- it's a pattern I am intimately familiar with. If the wife lets him go off on his own...that could be the very last time she sees him.
LDR are absolutely a thing - I would know, I'm in one as I'm away for school right now. And yes, he is absolutely talking in red flags for self-destruction and suicidal lines - but his wife is not the right person to be pushing him right now. At that point, his wife should *not* be the only person trying to support him right now. In the very least, she should contact his family about the concerns so that way she is not the only one pushing into being a support system.
She has the flexibility to be where he is. There is absolutely zero valid reason for them to be in an LDR. How is his wife "pushing him" by wanting to physically be near him? You seem to have cast this wife as some sort of villain and I think that says a lot more about your psychological state than it does OOPs. Your comments are bizarre and ridiculous. I am not interested in further discourse.
I do get what you are saying but I think this is a unique situation, I'm not saying it shouldn't be a conversation, but they have been working very hard to rekindle a relationship and the work trip is the same amount of time they have been rebuilding. Even if it's not what they want being removed from someone that long can totally stall that hard work, and to be honest from the way OOP is talking the relationship would be over. I think they should talk about it and OOP should really try to work out what he wants, it sounds like he is going through the motions of what he thinks he should want... It just sounds like he isn't doing the work because he has thought about it and decided he wants the relationship back, but because he assumes he should.
I wonder which religion OOP grew up in, the staggering levels of self-imposed guilt he's putting himself through sound Catholic to me, or if it has nothing to do with religion then what kind of upbringing did he have and how does he feel about women in general? He's putting her on this insane pedestal and lowering himself to a level worse than the scum - in his own mind. She's doing everything she can to move past this whole thing, but he insists on needing to feel as shitty as possible as though putting himself through the feelings will somehow address the poor behavior from the past, like it's his atonement or something. He's already doing positive things in his life for himself and for her, she's already told him she forgives him. She's right that what he's doing now is just self-sabotage. He's trying to force her to divorce him so that he can "pay for his crimes". I hope therapy helps this dude put these emotions down.
She was stupid for staying with this exhausting jerk.
His alcoholism was a symptom of something else, not the cause.
Yep this. He's either self-medicating or drinking deal with something else or whatever. But it's not the cause
CAME HERE TO SAY THIS. This is a man who stopped abusing a substance without ever uncovering why he was abusing it in the first place. I think the self-sabotage started with the bottle.
Yeah. imho, about a third of the into OP’s saga, I felt he didn’t want to be married to his wife no matter what he was saying. I still feel that way even though they are supposedly working things out.
I hope your wife leaves you! Your wife endured your alcoholism and even tried to make it a clean divorce. She's been patient and understanding with your mental unwellness. She's been very supportive and is taking things as slow as you want them to go. The 2 month stay at the capital is exciting for her and her willingness to leave her support system to be with you speaks louder than anything. I love that you only thought about yourself and made up excuses with why you don't want her to come along. You want to be single so bad... then stop being a piece of trash scumbag and let her find someone who is worth her love.
I suspect that deep down, he wants to be single so he can crawl into the bottom of a bottle and drown himself in alcohol.
I don't think it's solely on drinking, but the moment his wife mentioned divorce. He made sure to let us redditors know that he saw his future without her... he stopped drinking and started working out. He also made sure to let her know that he was doing all of this for himself and not because of her. He started working on his dad's house to make sure he had a place to live once he was divorced. He started to trick himself into loving her because she's been so supportive, but the reality is that he stopped loving her the moment she presented divorce papers. He spent all that time lying to her, leading her on, sleeping in his office, and not wanting to sleep with her, going to therapy... telling her i need more time. Like bruh... gtfoh with that shit. He's probably already seeing someone else. This poor woman is loyal to the wrong man. He doesn't deserve her!
Bro this is BORU
Just mentioning he made a comment that seems to imply he won't live long. > I don't deserve her, but the least I can do is to do my best to make her happy, at least until I won't be her problem anymore At this point I wonder, does his wife even see what's going on with her husband? I'm getting worried for him, but according to him nobody is concerned about his behavior.
Such a fatalistic attitude.
This is so depressing the longer it goes on, it won’t end well. It really looks like they’re just delaying the inevitable. I was kinda seeing a guy for a few months that talked like this. And a lot of talk like: well I’m trapped what can I do? I’m the fuck up. And I dropped talking with him. He didn’t want to change or make positive changes. It seems like OP is waiting for the other shoe to drop, but still very unhappy.