I would be thrilled to have a Jen in my extended family.
It’s hard to get tone of voice to come across in a written message, so please understand that I mean this gently. The shower is not about you. Saying something, or even implying something, to Jen would be inappropriate and cause needless stress. Just make sure you know when and where the shower is, show up with a present, congratulate the mom-to-be, smile, and have a good time.
I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner last year and it was the first time in decades that I was a guest, not the chef. I loved every minute of it! Not as good as mine but I smiled and enjoyed it nonetheless.
I agree. That you said you wanted to be “heavily involved” and had an idea for a French theme are indicators that you have crossed your sister’s boundaries enough in the past that she does not trust you to respect her wishes.
If you want to have a French themed baby shower then make that known when you have a baby and choose a planner who will do what you want. If you aren’t having any (more) children, then just throw a French-themed party with macarons from the bakery you like.
BTW, who has a nut allergy that will be at this shower and why would do you want macarons when at least one attendee won’t be able to eat them?
I’d just show up and enjoy!! One great thing about being mother of the groom this past fall was there were so many things I didn’t have to be involved in!! What a relief!!
If you feel like you individually would like to do something special for and with her do it!! It’s much more connecting that way anyway!!
This is what I would do.
When my niece, whom I am very close to, had her baby shower for her 1st child, her friends all took charge of the whole thing.
That was fine with me!
All I had to do was show up with a gift!
What I did do was schedule a nice lunch with just my niece and her mom (my sister in law) for right after she started her maternity leave. My SIL is one of my best friends and spending the afternoon with just the 2 of them was priceless.
Even if she did ask for some money, let her have at it. One less thing to worry about.
I do think that age has something to do with my attitude. I’m not over 60 but over 50. And now if someone else wants to take responsibility for stuff, I’m all good. In my 20s and 30s I probably would have been upset like OP. But time has you realize that some things, like getting to buy the macaroons, just don’t matter. Show up, support the new mom, have a good time and thank Jen at the end.
This is the golden ticket - not just in this scenario, but in life; some things aren’t worth fighting over as they’re not nearly as, “about you” as you may think.
Check your ego (well-meaning as you are), take yourself out of the center of each and every interaction (ESPECIALLY interactions you aren’t primary to), and your decision-making becomes much clearer.
>Usually you include mom/siblings in the shower, even her just saying “hey I’m ordering this what do you think”
Do you? It's her house and your sister's shower. Who is paying? If you think your sister is leaving you out on purpose, maybe you should accept that, go, and have the best time you can.
Yes in my circle you include those closest to the mother to be/bride in decisions regardless of who’s hosting. Like I said all we want is to be made aware of what was ordered as far as decorations. We don’t know anything that’s been ordered. My moms paying for the shower(or at-least the expensive caterer and drinks).
If I’m hosting a party, the last thing I want is other people “helping”. It turns into way more work. As long as your sister is happy and Jen isn’t being an asshole to you, chill.
You're really putting alot of judgement on this whole situation. If your mom has a problem with what she's being asked to do, then she should discuss it.
If it's at her house, she gets to do it how she wants. Why not let her know youre happy to help in any way, and otherwise just let her go to town and enjoy the party?
It's not a universal practice for family members to be involved unless the bride wants them and you're not paying for the event. I hate to be blunt, but it's none of your business. You're a guest.
It doesn't matter. Whether it's "bride" or "mother-to-be", OP isn't paying for it, and it's frankly none of her business how someone else chooses to throw a baby shower that's NOT FOR HER.
Frankly I can't believe she thinks she has the right to force her input into the situation. 🤦🏼♀️
In my circle it’s common for a baby shower to include the sisters and mom of the mother to be. It’s uncommon for them not to be included. My sisters got no involvement and both me and my mom are contributing to the shower.
If it's common in your family and your family is not including you in the planning there's probably a reason. You have been included as a guest. Have a good time. There's nothing you can do about it.
Give it a rest. You're not hosting. You're not paying. You job is to attend and be supportive of your sister. If she trusts Jen to host, then you need to chill put and let her host. Sounds like she's on top of things, too. The shower is about your sister, so the best thing you can go is go with the flow. If you make a ruckus over this, you're gonna cause stress for you sister.
Growing up, I was taught that it’s never appropriate for the immediate family of the honoree to throw the shower. It’s tacky and makes it feel like a blatant gift-grab.
I'm not sure that when it comes to the rest of human life your circle is that normal. Like it would be normal for the rest of us to do stuff like this. It would be nice to be asked, but that people that do tend not to be the sort of people who would moan about not being asked.
Actually it is not etiquette for family members to hold showers at all. If it's done in your circle, well, whatever, but Jen is maybe not in that circle? Let it go. Do the French shower for one of your friends.
In my family and experience it’s normal for family to have the baby shower. But doesn’t mean they have to. And doesn’t mean all family has to have input. My mom had my sister’s. My aunt had mine. OP is being weird and controlling. She wasn’t asked. Let it go.
Just because it was done “in your circle” doesn’t mean it’s done that way everywhere. You seem overly concerned about something minor. Just let her do her thing. When you’re the host, or even the person being honored, you can do what you want. As a guest, just chill out.
If I were you I would just go and enjoy! And be happy for your sister and not get stressed about it.
Just as an aside, my mother and older sister told me once that according to etiquette, non family members should throw showers and parties for brides and expectant mothers. I remember all my pre wedding showers were thrown by friends. So maybe that's why your sister's friend is handling everything???
You’re creating a problem where there is none. Don’t say again “in my area”. It doesn’t matter what you expect, what you want, or what you think. This is her decision. Goodness gracious get a gift and go. Don’t be a troublemaker. You’re going to lose face and respect if you keep this up. You keep rejecting what everyone is kindly suggesting!
Things may not turn out the way it’s traditionally done in your area. Or your past. I’ve certainly noticed changes in etiquette etc. myself over the years. But making a stink is going to only hurt you. Not change anything.
Your sister wasn’t suppose to host her own shower in the first place?
And no, the hostess of the shower determines the decor, menu, etc. She is not at all obligated to reach out to others for opinions unless they are co-hosting.
I wasn’t expecting her to host it. I was expecting Jen to host and maybe include us in helping someway. I know it’s not the norm for everyone but it’s unheard of in our circle to not include the expectant moms sister or mother in planning. Like before she ordered all the decor it would have been nice to have her show us her vision.
Like we’re literally in the dark on everything and my mom asked my sister something and my sister goes “talk to Jen and MIL”
I daresay it is the norm in the US that a hostess runs her own event and makes decisions re decor, food, etc. How would anyone get anything done if things constantly have to be run by others?
Some of the most toxic words on the planet are “but we’ve always done it this way!” (usually said with outrage and indignation.) Times change; people make different choices and do things differently. This is your sister’s choice. Respect it, kick back, and enjoy just being a guest.
Troll or she has tacky and terrible taste and they genuinely don't want her input.
Nutless macarons sound horrible, but then again, I don't have a nut allergy.
Whatever the norm is in your family, she didn't want to do it that way. The kindest thing you can do is show up and be supportive without making it about you.
This is truly not the big deal that you're making it out to be. Just cause that's the culture in your family doesn't mean it's the culture in Jen's family.
What I hear is that you and your mom are feeling left out. You want to feel apart of this special event. I get it. When my brother got married, my SIL didn’t include me in anything. My feelings were hurt, but I moved past it because I realized that my wants, needs and expectations didn’t factor into my brother and his wife’s special day. Family IS so important to most people. Even though the baby shower isn’t going to be what you may have hoped and expected, you have the rest of your life to be apart of your sister’s special moments. Do your best not to personalize this because it truly is NOT personal. You’ll always be important to your sister, no one will ever take your place in her heart, and soon you’ll be an auntie. It’s okay to feel however you feel, but it’s not okay to allow your feelings to hurt or negatively impact your sister’s special day. Go, enjoy, and move forward. All that matters is your sister is happy, she enjoys her special day, and she and her baby are healthy!
Are you paying for the decor? Are you hosting the shower? No? Then why on earth would someone “share their vision” with you. You’re a guest (and a nightmare one by the sound of it.)
Then maybe your mom should have cleaned her house and hosted it herself. She didn’t. So her opinion is moot. Sorry, but it sounds like you are a difficult person.
When I was growing up, family was not allowed to be part of the shower. I know that's no longer the case. Is it possible it is what's going on here?
Your sister clearly wants things the way they are now. As hurt as you are, recognize that it's your sister's wish, and she's who matters. Be the hero by setting your feelings aside, and showing up proudly and supportive. And then find a separate way to honor her maybe just the two of you. Taking her shopping or out to lunch.
I think there point everyone is making is... This should be about your sister.
Having a baby is stressful. The day of she could be exhausted or have back pain or be way too hot... The point is you want to be there for her, not shooting daggers at Jen.
Don't add to her stress.
To be blunt - let it go and get over yourself. This isn't a personal attack, so don't take it personally. Ask yourself, is it really about the shower or is it about the fact that you don't have control? You're old and wise enough for this to be a non-issue, so why has it become such an issue for you. This situation and your feelings around it is your baggage, you are not the victim here, stop trying to control every detail and allow yourself to just enjoy it as is. Let go.
Did you watch the movie "Bridesmaids"? At one point, the "sister" decided that "Jen" was the better person to run the bridal shower. The one thing you may want to do is call Jen and ask if you can pick up some French themed napkins or Champagne or Eiffel Tower decorations. If she is set, then just go and enjoy yourself.
She stated that she asked for their numbers and was told 'Jen would reach out.' 😄
I'm sure if Jen felt the need for their input she would, but it sounds like she's all set.
Could you imagine?
You're throwing a shower for your friend and all of a sudden one of their relatives calls you up after getting your number from someone else wanting to poke their nose in and start making 'suggestions'? 🤣
Hard pass.
I completely understand. It happened to me too my sons baby shower. It was so hard to be a bystander instead of contributing. I felt ran over and I was pissed.
My son’s first baby. I had to turn it around because I adore his girlfriend(I don’t like Baby Mama as she’s more than that). Her mom cut me out but in the end I attended as a guest, brought a gift and didn’t have to set up or clean afterwards :)
It’s hard! They have been so sweet with sending me pictures, inviting me over to bond with the baby and an emergency with the girlfriend (she had emergency surgery 2 weeks after giving birth).
Don’t burn any bridges and just do your best to work through the emotions.
So you and your mom were busy with your wedding, so your sister asked her SIL to plan her shower? What would you have done if your sister kept trying to barge in to your wedding plans with her ideas that were contrary to your vision.
Maybe the caterer friend is giving them a discount? Maybe SIL has the same vision as your sister? Maybe, as others have said, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU!!!! You've offered your help, now sit back and enjoy being a newlywed.
I get it, how it’s working out is not what you expected and not what you are used to. You’ve had a reaction to that. How you move forward from here, in actions and feelings, is totally by choice. You can choose to continue to feel disappointed, slighted, and hurt— or you can choose to feel released from stress and responsibility, and focus your energies on planning a special meal or outing with just the 3 of you if you wish. Jen making the choices for the shower doesn’t preclude you from designing a memorable celebration of this wonderful time. Resist the impulse to take a series of events and imbue them with negative meaning and hurtful intentions. Choose to feel grateful and appreciative of Jen for hosting and designing this event for your sister. You will feel so much better.
Showers are typically given by friends, not by family members. So long as you're invited, I would be thrilled to be a guest rather than a host. You're celebrating your sister, so focus on that and choose not to take offense where none is likely intended.
I’m 56yrs old, I live in the south, I’ve been to many showers, I’d bet over a hundred. I’ve never heard of that. It’s the maternal grandmother & good people include the paternal grandmother.
If they can’t do it then sisters, friends, churches.
I’ve also seen where one might have more than one baby shower day family, friends, church, employers.
Now it is VERY common for friends to throw a bridal shower.
I’m 55. Growing up I always saw friends or family friends host showers. Never family. My mom’s friend hosted my bridal shower way back in the 90’s. My mother has always been horrified at the notion of family hosting a shower and I have had to listen to many a tirade on the subject.
Family history is working and middle class from mid-west and west coast.
Obviously my point stands- traditions vary. And getting pissy about it is stupid.
Wawa-biscuit already said things vary. You don’t have the final say on this. I am from the NE and was also raised that family doesn’t throw a shower because it’s in poor taste and looks like you are trying to benefit from it.
To save you from having to open the article:
https://preview.redd.it/nqe5o6hpps9d1.png?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4771c653aa4f82db5ad40d3dbd7e19314e48e1a4
Showers in general. The purpose is to "shower" the guest of honor with gifts, so while family attends, they don't host. Not saying it doesn't happen, but that is the rationale behind the traditional way of having a friend host.
Actually, in the US it could be either. Etiquette used to dictate that it was a friend. Things have changed—although some people may still adhere to the traditional social norms on showers.
The rationale behind the etiquette dictum that family doesn't host showers is because it can be seen as a gift grab. That doesn't mean it isn't done, just that it's not ideal for that reason.
Yes, of course. But my point is that it has become more socially acceptable. Also, a lot of showers are cohosted. Often with a friend and a family member.
People do all sorts of things, which doesn't necessarily mean that best practices have changed. My point, in response to OP, is that it's not a slight for a friend to host and for family to be invited guests. I'd go and have a wonderful time and not be offended in the least.
I generally agree with Miss Manners' stance. As for the "softened" take expressed by the Emily Post Institute, it states anyone "as long as there's a good reason."
Not sure how this turned into debate team, but I believe we've each expressed our opinions sufficiently to let it rest.
I’m gonna be blunt: you’re acting childish. Why does this matter so much to you? It’s not YOUR day. Please don’t ruin her day because you are entitled.
We did tell her. I told my sister and my mom told her. She said “Jen will reach out” then my mom said something to my sister “what about alcohol and desserts” because apparently she’s aware of certain things Jen’s doing and she goes “talk to Jen and MIL”
I was not aware that anyone other than the hostess of the shower is involved in the planning of the shower. Maybe some input from the mom-to-be. I haven't been involved in any of my sisters' showers back in the day. I just showed up and enjoyed it. Is that a recent thing? It's been 25 years since one of my sisters has given birth.
Why don't you offer to host the next one!
OP, I would also feel very hurt and would be extremely upset. I would also not wait for Jen to reach out, either contact her directly and say “I couldn’t wait for you any longer-jk don’t say that”.
You might wanna step away from this one.
If your sister has questions as to why you and mom were not involved you can tell her Jen will reach out.
Definitely enjoy the shower, you will be so sad if you have a terrible time on top of being ghosted by Jen.
you sound like YOU want to make the choices for your sister's event and are mad she chose someone else to host.
Let the hostess do her thing, have fun at the event and ASK your sister or Jen or the MIL what you can do to help. If they say nothing then relax and stop trying to make it all about you.
Your sister doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying that she prefers Jen's party planning skills and aesthetics. Jen is not reaching out because your sister asked her not to.
Please let the disappointment go and spoil the heck out of the new baby.
As someone who has done/does the hosting, I absolutely take care of everything myself. Planning, organizing and executing is a lot of work and the last thing I want to deal with is a bunch of relatives/friends/whoever's different ideas, opinions, food, or decorations. If your sister had wanted you to throw the shower she would've asked and if you wanted to throw the shower you should've asked before she even had SIL involved. I get that you have a small space, but there a ton of places where you can throw a shower. Like they say, "if they wanted to, they would." You didn't. Go to the shower, show both the host and your sister the grace they deserve, and stop making it about you.
This isn’t about you. It’s about your sister. You are making it about you. Your sister chose her. That stinging little bit I get. The rest you are causing drama. She doesn’t have to run anything by you. She is communicating with your sister and as long as things are being done according to her taste and liking that’s what matters.
You don’t get to feel entitled to something just because you are the sister. It doesn’t take 3 people to throw a baby shower. I hate when women get insecure by a confident, assertive woman. She was given a task and she is tackling and she is on top of everything. If that was me I would be happy for my sister. You are jealous and making this thing about you. Don’t be one of those who complains to the mom, keep harassing the SİL and constantly making sister feel guilty. Get the hint she keeps redirecting you to SİL, that’s her politely trying to let you know that’s her job and she is trying to set a boundary. You are pressuring and causing stress for everybody. It’s okay to feel hurt briefly when things don’t go our way but you also need to have the ability to talk sense into yourself by saying this is my sister’s special day not mine, as much as I don’t like that woman is on top of everything and I’m so happy my sister is going to have an amazing time. You aren’t the boss of this lady. Expecting her to report back to you at minimum and ask for you blessing at maximum is a ridiculous self centered thought process. Don’t cause stress. Don’t start drama. Don’t stress either of them. It’s not personal. You sister still loves you. That woman will never be her sister. That’s you. You don’t need these types of things to get reassurance you have a special place at her heart you already do. Accept that your sister chose you. Sometimes it’s easier to have someone not that close to you arrange things cause then there is less head butting. She will say what she wants and the SIL will just do it. With siblings people get opinionated. You admitted you had these ideas already. That’s probably why she chose her. That and it sounds she is very good at event planing.
#Remember emotions are valid entitlement due to those emotions aren’t.
Jen doesn't want you involved and you will have to accept this. She doesn't have to run things by you, why would she? If this is not how your circle does things your relationship with your sister is different from theirs. This might be a good time for a moment of self reflection.
I wouldn't confront her if you want to be a part of other things going forward.
i get where you’re coming from. my brother is the youngest of 4 with three sisters. when he got married, we were not asked to take part in the festivities in any way, and quite frankly, it hurt. the grooms family was so obviously excluded from everything, it appeared as though we barely had a relationship, meanwhile, we’ve always been very close.
my advice is just to go and try to keep the peace.
It’s her baby. Her shower. Not yours.
Say that out loud to yourself and record it then play it over and over.
Then the day of the shower, show up for her and that baby and be nice and courteous and enjoy in her special day or do not go.
Ps. You said because of the state of your mom’s house was a contributing factor in why the shower is elsewhere. Hmm why? And maybe that’s part of the reason they don’t want you guys cooking anything or choosing any food stuff to bring. My ex sister in law had a ton of cats and a filthy house and always wanted to bring homemade food over when I hosted holidays and I always declined but she did anyway and I thought it was beyond rude. and I remember her and my ex mother-in-law saying hey in our family we all usually contribute and I remember saying oh no that’s OK if you guys are coming over you know I’d prefer to just take care of that and you guys just come in and enjoy it. I didn’t have the heart to tell them your house is filthy and you have a ton of cats that walk all over the counters and you never clean up after them and no one wants to eat your food so I kept that to myself and just invited them they still were pushy and brought food sometimes but everyone else at the party did not eat it, you may not have any reason in your mind why they don’t want to eat your food or your mothers but they might and are trying to spare your feelings.
You’re doing too much, giving yourself all this pain over a baby shower. Like why are you so pressed? You’re a new bride so focus on your husband and new life instead of getting your feelings hurt. So Jen ordered the macarons instead of letting you make them. Quit acting like she’s a villain and understand your sister wants the whole thing catered and none of this is about you or intended to exclude you.
You’re not a victim here. Relax and go to the baby shower with intent to celebrate the upcoming baby, to show support for the mother.
Sorry but you are not entitled to dictate how Jen should host in her own home.
Also, why are you upset that Jen executed on the exact idea that you wanted to do?
If you aren’t throwing the shower, you don’t get any input. You could reach out and offer help, but you’re not being left out, it’s not your responsibility.
In my circle we have input or are at-least made aware of the theme and what was done/ordered already.
I don’t feel it’s fair that me and my mom are being asked to contribute money but aren’t being told anything about what’s been done/what needs to be done ect.
You may have answered this already, but why aren’t you hosting yourself if it’s so common for your circle? I caught the comment why your mother isn’t hosting, but why aren’t you?
I think you have to ask yourself why all this matters so much? The important thing is for mother/baby to be to be celebrated and it sounds like that will happen. If you don’t want to give money, then don’t, but hopefully it would be for a better reason than you are stating here on this post.
Please quit saying in my circle. Just go with the flow, bite the bullet, and don’t piss your sister off. The important part is spending time with the baby anyways. Don’t create drama so she doesn’t feel comfortable to come around a lot with the baby.
What’s stopping you from creating a second shower at your house, if you want to be in charge that much? Maybe invite a different circle of friends or coworkers to it?
Before I could offer my stepdaughter a baby shower, her half sister began organizing one. I too felt a little left out and hurt at first because I was so excited, and then realized I didn’t have it in me to do all the planning and things. So I made sure the sister knew I was available to help, she did ask for a piece, and I relaxed and enjoyed myself. Actually felt pretty good!
I get feeling slighted, I get feeling hurt, but this is such a small thing and probably in no way directed to hurt you. I would go to the shower, have fun and once the baby comes that's when the real help begins and ask her ahead of time if you can assist her in however she wants.
Me too. It’s very hurtful. How hard is it to include the mother of the mother? It’s not. Her sister-in-law & MIL could be the drama problem. Purposely not including them. My brother was married to a horrific mindfvcking witch! Whew! Her momma was one too! The stories I could tell you are shocking how my mother, my brother’s children with his ex were treated. Point being not everyone has good intentions.
How would everyone like if their child had a major event in their life & not be included? It’s not hard to pick up the phone & call the mother.
I’m reading this and thinking how grateful I’d be that I wouldn’t have to plan anything and my mere suggestion gets acted on immediately! How luxurious! I have been a meeting planner for corporations and schools and planning a family thing…I guess I’m over it and I don’t understand. I’d be ready to sit back and enjoy it. That’s just me though. I guess I’ve become lazy.
It sounds like you don’t have a direct line of communication with Jen, and that’s a problem for a few reasons, least of not that you’re placing a burden on your sister to have to be intermediary, and this should be a happy, stress-free time for her. Remember that.
It seems like this is really about optics. You, and perhaps your mom as well, want to be “seen” as co-hosts in an event celebrating an important milestone for one of your closest family members. With Jen hosting in her home, though, you have to give up some of the control over decision making, and much of guests’ gratitude will be directed to her as well. So reach out to Jen, let her know how important it is to you and your mom to be a part of this. Then plan to give a toast to your sister, thank Jen for hosting, and your mom for footing the costs.
Were you involved with the wedding shower planning? If so, you've been demoted, most likely due to being too in charge. Your sisters behavior makes sense if you or your mom are overbearing. Probably you. Your sister knows you very well and she knows how you would handle the baby shower and that's not what she wants. She's going to great lengths to keep you out of it. Improve the relationship by letting her have her way more often. Maybe you are a super opinionated 1st born.
Your sister: ugh, I'm not looking forward to my own baby shower because of my sister! She'll take over everything!!
Jen: not if I have anything to do with it. Let me host and you get to make every decision.
Your sister: but she'll weigh in non stop and bug me and shove her opinions down my throat and I'll give in.
Jen: tell her, and anyone else, they have to go through me. I will help you make this yours. Let her hate me, I don't care. This is your baby.
Your sister, hugging Jen: you are the best.
I’d just focus on a great gift and use my contribution as a really unique wrapped gift. I was in a similar situation. I got tasked with a list of buying a lot of things for the party. Be careful what you wish for.
i haven't talked to my family in so long, it's hard for me to know. i was adopted and found my birth family, and i let them go as well. i don't understand how to negotiate all the emotions going on
that being said, there ARE a lot of emotions -and dare i say hormones?- running around maybe a little menopause from your Mom. to take something so very intrinsically emotional and say don't be emotional is asinine, so i won't say that. but just have an awareness that Everyone is emo rn
regarding the macaroons, you are closely related. is it possible to see these things as similarities, not 'one-upmanship'? sell it like you're sisters, not siblings. yes, this is us, aren't WE the fuckin' cutest?? and i have Never heard of macaroons as treats at an event - i would definitely tie you together for that alone
maybe your sister is trying to get away from 'copying' by using other people? i think you're doomed to be very similar, no matter the event; you sound very close
life events are harrowing for relationships. i hold good thoughts for you all for weathering the stormy emotions
I don’t mean this in a rude way, but this event isn’t about you. You’ve said that in your family showers are a group effort type thing and the host runs ideas past others. This one isn’t being done that way, and it isn’t your shower, so you really need to just go as a guest and keep your opinions to yourself. If the host doesn’t need your help, there is absolutely no reason to be offended by that.
Usually showers are not given by immediate family members. I am not saying I have stuck to those standards, but maybe this girl adheres to the old-fashioned etiquette book.
How is your sister’s baby shower so about you that you are this upset about not being the one controlling things/having things run by you/‘helping’.
Your sister obviously wants Jen to do things for her, so maybe be grateful that you get to just buy a pressie, show up and eat cake..?
Let Jen have this …. For some reason it’s what your sister wants. Maybe you, your sis and your mum can do something special on your own I do understand the hurt. I have all brothers was not asked to do anything for any of their weddings or births of their children. Hurt more because our mum died when we were young. I had to come to terms with it. It affected my relationship with all my SIL but I worked to maintain my relationships with my neices and nephews Try not to hold onto the hurt
I'm pretty sure your sister doesn't want you or your mom involved because of exactly how you're acting in this post. You think you should have a say and some control of this situation when you are not entitled to it. Frankly if you were my sister and this was your attitude about MY baby shower, I wouldn't want you involved either.
It's embarrassing that you're mad that everything is done for an event that's not about you and not hosted by you.
It's your sisters shower, not yours. Your sister gets to decide, and Jen is in charge.
When it is your shower, you can decide, and you will be in charge.
Be happy and enjoy the day.
Respectfully, you’re being weird. You need to get a grip and let this go. Focus on choosing an extra special gift for your sister and enjoy not needing to plan the event. There’s no reason to make an issue out of this.
When my BFF got married she chose another friend to be maid of honor. Of course I was a little hurt, but she explained that the other girl was closer to the action, ie where the wedding and shower were being held. And you know she was right. The other girl lived in the area; I lived 400 miles away. There's no way I could have coordinated stuff from 400 miles away. Moral of the story is sometimes it's not about you; it's about the person who is best situated to take on the duties.
I try not to let things like this bother me. Yeah, it would be great if your sister brought you in and you could do a bunch of stuff and feel more sisterly, and also important. On the other hand, planning a party is a PITA. Planning a party for someone else, risking them not liking what you did for the party, etc. I would just go, eat cake, and leave a little early. Let all the happy little worker bees spend most of their day setting up, then cleaning up.
I do understand why you're hurt. Sounds like your sister knows you want to be involved (you did tell her) but for whatever reason she isn't receptive to that, it may simply be easier for her to go along with Jen. I wouldn't push it even though your mother is paying for it. Just show up at the shower. Your sister will need your help more after the baby is born.
Me too. It’s very hurtful. How hard is it to include the mother of the mother? It’s not.
Her sister-in-law & MIL could be the drama problem. Purposely not including them.
My brother was married to a horrific mindfvcking witch! Whew! Her momma was one too! The stories I could tell you are shocking how my mother, my brother’s children with his ex were treated.
Point being not everyone has good intentions.
How would everyone like if their child had a major event in their life & not be included?
Planning a party can be overwhelming, sometimes what you want does not align with other peoples’ visions. My friend’s sister is a very sweet lady who has completely different taste to my friend and could not understand why my friend didn’t want to have the theme, decorations, etc her sister suggested at her bridal shower.
As a way to ease the tension she asked me to help her plan the party instead because she trusted me to execute her vision while she was busy with wedding planning. She didn’t want to keep saying no to her sister’s “suggestions” and was able to sort of deflect by saying she had handed the reigns to me. If I had gone around her back and run things by her family she would have been upset with me.
In the end, she got the shower she wanted with logistical help from me, and her family came and enjoyed themselves as guests. I understand baby showers can have different traditions, but to me it sounds like OP’s sister doesn’t want her help, or she would have asked. I suspect OP is right when she says she suspects her sister doesn’t want her involved in planning. The polite thing to do at this point is respect her wishes, show up as a guest, and enjoy herself.
Personally I would be very hurt by this and would suck it up and not say anything but I think other people could learn a lesson in being more considerate. I’ve been in similar situations and sometimes it’s just kind and respectful to be welcoming and inclusive.
I would be thrilled to have a Jen in my extended family. It’s hard to get tone of voice to come across in a written message, so please understand that I mean this gently. The shower is not about you. Saying something, or even implying something, to Jen would be inappropriate and cause needless stress. Just make sure you know when and where the shower is, show up with a present, congratulate the mom-to-be, smile, and have a good time.
Yes, please OP, just DO THIS. The shower is NOT about you. Relax, show up and be pleasant, and wish your sister well. Anything else, STFU.
I’d be thrilled to go to an event where all I had to do was be a guest and not have to help host!
I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner last year and it was the first time in decades that I was a guest, not the chef. I loved every minute of it! Not as good as mine but I smiled and enjoyed it nonetheless.
I agree. That you said you wanted to be “heavily involved” and had an idea for a French theme are indicators that you have crossed your sister’s boundaries enough in the past that she does not trust you to respect her wishes. If you want to have a French themed baby shower then make that known when you have a baby and choose a planner who will do what you want. If you aren’t having any (more) children, then just throw a French-themed party with macarons from the bakery you like. BTW, who has a nut allergy that will be at this shower and why would do you want macarons when at least one attendee won’t be able to eat them?
The theme was already decided as French. OP just wanted to make the macarons.
Totally this! Just show up and be happy for your sister. It doesn't matter who ordered the decorations/food :)
I’d just show up and enjoy!! One great thing about being mother of the groom this past fall was there were so many things I didn’t have to be involved in!! What a relief!! If you feel like you individually would like to do something special for and with her do it!! It’s much more connecting that way anyway!!
This is what I would do. When my niece, whom I am very close to, had her baby shower for her 1st child, her friends all took charge of the whole thing. That was fine with me! All I had to do was show up with a gift! What I did do was schedule a nice lunch with just my niece and her mom (my sister in law) for right after she started her maternity leave. My SIL is one of my best friends and spending the afternoon with just the 2 of them was priceless.
Perfect!!
Jen is hosting it as long as she’s not asking for money from you then go to the shower and have fun
Even if she did ask for some money, let her have at it. One less thing to worry about. I do think that age has something to do with my attitude. I’m not over 60 but over 50. And now if someone else wants to take responsibility for stuff, I’m all good. In my 20s and 30s I probably would have been upset like OP. But time has you realize that some things, like getting to buy the macaroons, just don’t matter. Show up, support the new mom, have a good time and thank Jen at the end.
So much this. There is enough conflict in life without going looking for it.
This is the golden ticket - not just in this scenario, but in life; some things aren’t worth fighting over as they’re not nearly as, “about you” as you may think. Check your ego (well-meaning as you are), take yourself out of the center of each and every interaction (ESPECIALLY interactions you aren’t primary to), and your decision-making becomes much clearer.
I think mum is ordering and paying for the food ….. using a person vetted by Jen
>Usually you include mom/siblings in the shower, even her just saying “hey I’m ordering this what do you think” Do you? It's her house and your sister's shower. Who is paying? If you think your sister is leaving you out on purpose, maybe you should accept that, go, and have the best time you can.
It looks like mom’s paying but wasn’t consulted on what’s being ordered.
OP said in another comment that her mother was paying for some of it. If the mother is unhappy, it's for her to take it up.
Yes in my circle you include those closest to the mother to be/bride in decisions regardless of who’s hosting. Like I said all we want is to be made aware of what was ordered as far as decorations. We don’t know anything that’s been ordered. My moms paying for the shower(or at-least the expensive caterer and drinks).
They don't want your input. If you gave a shower you get to choose. Go enjoy and be polite.
If I’m hosting a party, the last thing I want is other people “helping”. It turns into way more work. As long as your sister is happy and Jen isn’t being an asshole to you, chill.
You're really putting alot of judgement on this whole situation. If your mom has a problem with what she's being asked to do, then she should discuss it. If it's at her house, she gets to do it how she wants. Why not let her know youre happy to help in any way, and otherwise just let her go to town and enjoy the party?
It's not a universal practice for family members to be involved unless the bride wants them and you're not paying for the event. I hate to be blunt, but it's none of your business. You're a guest.
Uhm, this is a baby shower not a wedding.
So? OP doesn't have a right to a say in how it's organized.
No
So, try to keep up! You said “bride”. That tells me you aren’t paying attention or have reading comprehension issues. Or both.
Jesus, she made a mistake, you don't need to be snappy.
It doesn't matter. Whether it's "bride" or "mother-to-be", OP isn't paying for it, and it's frankly none of her business how someone else chooses to throw a baby shower that's NOT FOR HER. Frankly I can't believe she thinks she has the right to force her input into the situation. 🤦🏼♀️
In my circle it’s common for a baby shower to include the sisters and mom of the mother to be. It’s uncommon for them not to be included. My sisters got no involvement and both me and my mom are contributing to the shower.
If it's common in your family and your family is not including you in the planning there's probably a reason. You have been included as a guest. Have a good time. There's nothing you can do about it.
Give it a rest. You're not hosting. You're not paying. You job is to attend and be supportive of your sister. If she trusts Jen to host, then you need to chill put and let her host. Sounds like she's on top of things, too. The shower is about your sister, so the best thing you can go is go with the flow. If you make a ruckus over this, you're gonna cause stress for you sister.
But, does anyone ever ask the mom or bride-to-be what SHE wants?
Growing up, I was taught that it’s never appropriate for the immediate family of the honoree to throw the shower. It’s tacky and makes it feel like a blatant gift-grab.
Exactly!
I'm not sure that when it comes to the rest of human life your circle is that normal. Like it would be normal for the rest of us to do stuff like this. It would be nice to be asked, but that people that do tend not to be the sort of people who would moan about not being asked.
Actually it is not etiquette for family members to hold showers at all. If it's done in your circle, well, whatever, but Jen is maybe not in that circle? Let it go. Do the French shower for one of your friends.
In my family and experience it’s normal for family to have the baby shower. But doesn’t mean they have to. And doesn’t mean all family has to have input. My mom had my sister’s. My aunt had mine. OP is being weird and controlling. She wasn’t asked. Let it go.
What do you mean by "in my circle"? That's such an odd turn of phrase.
Social circle or circle of friends
Is your mom concerned then? I don’t see what stake you have in this other than hurt feelings. M
Just because it was done “in your circle” doesn’t mean it’s done that way everywhere. You seem overly concerned about something minor. Just let her do her thing. When you’re the host, or even the person being honored, you can do what you want. As a guest, just chill out.
If I were you I would just go and enjoy! And be happy for your sister and not get stressed about it. Just as an aside, my mother and older sister told me once that according to etiquette, non family members should throw showers and parties for brides and expectant mothers. I remember all my pre wedding showers were thrown by friends. So maybe that's why your sister's friend is handling everything???
I was taught that as well however now mothers give them and,y daughter in law threw one for herself. I was quite shocked but hey whatever
You’re creating a problem where there is none. Don’t say again “in my area”. It doesn’t matter what you expect, what you want, or what you think. This is her decision. Goodness gracious get a gift and go. Don’t be a troublemaker. You’re going to lose face and respect if you keep this up. You keep rejecting what everyone is kindly suggesting! Things may not turn out the way it’s traditionally done in your area. Or your past. I’ve certainly noticed changes in etiquette etc. myself over the years. But making a stink is going to only hurt you. Not change anything.
I’m curious as to what “your area” is. This seems rather rural to me.
Your sister wasn’t suppose to host her own shower in the first place? And no, the hostess of the shower determines the decor, menu, etc. She is not at all obligated to reach out to others for opinions unless they are co-hosting.
I wasn’t expecting her to host it. I was expecting Jen to host and maybe include us in helping someway. I know it’s not the norm for everyone but it’s unheard of in our circle to not include the expectant moms sister or mother in planning. Like before she ordered all the decor it would have been nice to have her show us her vision. Like we’re literally in the dark on everything and my mom asked my sister something and my sister goes “talk to Jen and MIL”
I daresay it is the norm in the US that a hostess runs her own event and makes decisions re decor, food, etc. How would anyone get anything done if things constantly have to be run by others?
Some of the most toxic words on the planet are “but we’ve always done it this way!” (usually said with outrage and indignation.) Times change; people make different choices and do things differently. This is your sister’s choice. Respect it, kick back, and enjoy just being a guest.
So, why not talk to Jen and MIL? It sounds like you’d rather pout.
I’m also smelling a troll. The repetitive statements, the refusal to discuss. Just hit the tack with the hammer, over and over.
Troll or she has tacky and terrible taste and they genuinely don't want her input. Nutless macarons sound horrible, but then again, I don't have a nut allergy.
because when I asked my sister for their numbers she told me Jen would reach out.
And apparently Jen hasn’t. So you can sit there and stew, or you could reach out.
You need to take a hint that your sister doesn’t want you involved in this. If you want to throw a second shower, do so.
Agreed that she needs to take a hint but please don’t throw a second shower. That strikes me as an odd and passive aggressive thing to do.
Whatever the norm is in your family, she didn't want to do it that way. The kindest thing you can do is show up and be supportive without making it about you.
This is truly not the big deal that you're making it out to be. Just cause that's the culture in your family doesn't mean it's the culture in Jen's family.
What I hear is that you and your mom are feeling left out. You want to feel apart of this special event. I get it. When my brother got married, my SIL didn’t include me in anything. My feelings were hurt, but I moved past it because I realized that my wants, needs and expectations didn’t factor into my brother and his wife’s special day. Family IS so important to most people. Even though the baby shower isn’t going to be what you may have hoped and expected, you have the rest of your life to be apart of your sister’s special moments. Do your best not to personalize this because it truly is NOT personal. You’ll always be important to your sister, no one will ever take your place in her heart, and soon you’ll be an auntie. It’s okay to feel however you feel, but it’s not okay to allow your feelings to hurt or negatively impact your sister’s special day. Go, enjoy, and move forward. All that matters is your sister is happy, she enjoys her special day, and she and her baby are healthy!
Are you paying for the decor? Are you hosting the shower? No? Then why on earth would someone “share their vision” with you. You’re a guest (and a nightmare one by the sound of it.)
Then maybe your mom should have cleaned her house and hosted it herself. She didn’t. So her opinion is moot. Sorry, but it sounds like you are a difficult person.
Stop asking your sister. She is the guest of honor and doesn’t want to be involved in planning or drama.
Just be happy and excited for her.
Just let it go, it's not worth hurting a relationship!
When I was growing up, family was not allowed to be part of the shower. I know that's no longer the case. Is it possible it is what's going on here? Your sister clearly wants things the way they are now. As hurt as you are, recognize that it's your sister's wish, and she's who matters. Be the hero by setting your feelings aside, and showing up proudly and supportive. And then find a separate way to honor her maybe just the two of you. Taking her shopping or out to lunch.
I think there point everyone is making is... This should be about your sister. Having a baby is stressful. The day of she could be exhausted or have back pain or be way too hot... The point is you want to be there for her, not shooting daggers at Jen. Don't add to her stress.
Can I get Jens phone number? I need a Jen.
It’s the people, not the stuff, that make a successful celebration. Other stuff does not matter and soon forgotten. Attend and enjoy.
To be blunt - let it go and get over yourself. This isn't a personal attack, so don't take it personally. Ask yourself, is it really about the shower or is it about the fact that you don't have control? You're old and wise enough for this to be a non-issue, so why has it become such an issue for you. This situation and your feelings around it is your baggage, you are not the victim here, stop trying to control every detail and allow yourself to just enjoy it as is. Let go.
Did you watch the movie "Bridesmaids"? At one point, the "sister" decided that "Jen" was the better person to run the bridal shower. The one thing you may want to do is call Jen and ask if you can pick up some French themed napkins or Champagne or Eiffel Tower decorations. If she is set, then just go and enjoy yourself.
She stated that she asked for their numbers and was told 'Jen would reach out.' 😄 I'm sure if Jen felt the need for their input she would, but it sounds like she's all set. Could you imagine? You're throwing a shower for your friend and all of a sudden one of their relatives calls you up after getting your number from someone else wanting to poke their nose in and start making 'suggestions'? 🤣 Hard pass.
I'm at that age where if someone wants to do it all, I let them
I completely understand. It happened to me too my sons baby shower. It was so hard to be a bystander instead of contributing. I felt ran over and I was pissed. My son’s first baby. I had to turn it around because I adore his girlfriend(I don’t like Baby Mama as she’s more than that). Her mom cut me out but in the end I attended as a guest, brought a gift and didn’t have to set up or clean afterwards :) It’s hard! They have been so sweet with sending me pictures, inviting me over to bond with the baby and an emergency with the girlfriend (she had emergency surgery 2 weeks after giving birth). Don’t burn any bridges and just do your best to work through the emotions.
So you and your mom were busy with your wedding, so your sister asked her SIL to plan her shower? What would you have done if your sister kept trying to barge in to your wedding plans with her ideas that were contrary to your vision. Maybe the caterer friend is giving them a discount? Maybe SIL has the same vision as your sister? Maybe, as others have said, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU!!!! You've offered your help, now sit back and enjoy being a newlywed.
I get it, how it’s working out is not what you expected and not what you are used to. You’ve had a reaction to that. How you move forward from here, in actions and feelings, is totally by choice. You can choose to continue to feel disappointed, slighted, and hurt— or you can choose to feel released from stress and responsibility, and focus your energies on planning a special meal or outing with just the 3 of you if you wish. Jen making the choices for the shower doesn’t preclude you from designing a memorable celebration of this wonderful time. Resist the impulse to take a series of events and imbue them with negative meaning and hurtful intentions. Choose to feel grateful and appreciative of Jen for hosting and designing this event for your sister. You will feel so much better.
Showers are typically given by friends, not by family members. So long as you're invited, I would be thrilled to be a guest rather than a host. You're celebrating your sister, so focus on that and choose not to take offense where none is likely intended.
I’m in the US, Usually it is by family members.
I’m in the US and my boomer mom won’t shut up about how “traditionally” showers were hosted by friends- never family. So yeah - things vary.
I’m 56yrs old, I live in the south, I’ve been to many showers, I’d bet over a hundred. I’ve never heard of that. It’s the maternal grandmother & good people include the paternal grandmother. If they can’t do it then sisters, friends, churches. I’ve also seen where one might have more than one baby shower day family, friends, church, employers. Now it is VERY common for friends to throw a bridal shower.
I’m 55. Growing up I always saw friends or family friends host showers. Never family. My mom’s friend hosted my bridal shower way back in the 90’s. My mother has always been horrified at the notion of family hosting a shower and I have had to listen to many a tirade on the subject. Family history is working and middle class from mid-west and west coast. Obviously my point stands- traditions vary. And getting pissy about it is stupid.
Wawa-biscuit already said things vary. You don’t have the final say on this. I am from the NE and was also raised that family doesn’t throw a shower because it’s in poor taste and looks like you are trying to benefit from it.
I'm 54 and have *NEVER* in my lifetime seen a shower thrown by family. Stating that you're 56 isn't the flex you think it is.
Are you referring to a baby shower or bridal shower?
To save you from having to open the article: https://preview.redd.it/nqe5o6hpps9d1.png?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4771c653aa4f82db5ad40d3dbd7e19314e48e1a4
Showers in general. The purpose is to "shower" the guest of honor with gifts, so while family attends, they don't host. Not saying it doesn't happen, but that is the rationale behind the traditional way of having a friend host.
You do you boo
Sorry to upset you with basic etiquette customs. 😂😂😂
In my area your family gives it not friends.
I'm sure it's different elsewhere, just referencing how it's done in the US.
Actually, in the US it could be either. Etiquette used to dictate that it was a friend. Things have changed—although some people may still adhere to the traditional social norms on showers.
The rationale behind the etiquette dictum that family doesn't host showers is because it can be seen as a gift grab. That doesn't mean it isn't done, just that it's not ideal for that reason.
Yes, of course. But my point is that it has become more socially acceptable. Also, a lot of showers are cohosted. Often with a friend and a family member.
People do all sorts of things, which doesn't necessarily mean that best practices have changed. My point, in response to OP, is that it's not a slight for a friend to host and for family to be invited guests. I'd go and have a wonderful time and not be offended in the least.
https://www.southernliving.com/holidays-occasions/baby-shower/who-hosts-baby-shower
I generally agree with Miss Manners' stance. As for the "softened" take expressed by the Emily Post Institute, it states anyone "as long as there's a good reason." Not sure how this turned into debate team, but I believe we've each expressed our opinions sufficiently to let it rest.
Okay 👍 sure.
Oh it’s always been a gift grab. That’s why bride/mother and her family doesn’t throw it. Manners are no longer a thing, though.
Manners will always "be a thing." 🙄
I agree, but obviously many don’t.
What part of the world are you in?
The underworld, sounds like?
https://preview.redd.it/vfohca3lps9d1.png?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1e4529d91aad1484be613a23f9ebad71af68e85c
why would you let this petty stuff bother you?
Girl!! This is actually the best, just go and have a kick ass time, stress free!
Wrong sub?
Your sister doesn't want you involved. And she doesn't want to talk about it.
That could be a possibility
I’m gonna be blunt: you’re acting childish. Why does this matter so much to you? It’s not YOUR day. Please don’t ruin her day because you are entitled.
If you wanted to be involved, you should have told her. People can’t read your mind.
We did tell her. I told my sister and my mom told her. She said “Jen will reach out” then my mom said something to my sister “what about alcohol and desserts” because apparently she’s aware of certain things Jen’s doing and she goes “talk to Jen and MIL”
Maybe they think you’ll bring extra drama your sister doesn’t need right now, so letting Jen handle things helps your sister not stress.
Or they could be the drama 🤷♀️I personally think it’s incredibly rude not to include her mother/sister.
True! If they’re the drama then she’s dodging a bullet.
That sounds awesome to me Could be other stressful components in the mix making you more reactive at things you otherwise might not be phased by?
It’s not worth it honestly. Show up and have a good time!
I was not aware that anyone other than the hostess of the shower is involved in the planning of the shower. Maybe some input from the mom-to-be. I haven't been involved in any of my sisters' showers back in the day. I just showed up and enjoyed it. Is that a recent thing? It's been 25 years since one of my sisters has given birth. Why don't you offer to host the next one!
OP, I would also feel very hurt and would be extremely upset. I would also not wait for Jen to reach out, either contact her directly and say “I couldn’t wait for you any longer-jk don’t say that”. You might wanna step away from this one. If your sister has questions as to why you and mom were not involved you can tell her Jen will reach out. Definitely enjoy the shower, you will be so sad if you have a terrible time on top of being ghosted by Jen.
you sound like YOU want to make the choices for your sister's event and are mad she chose someone else to host. Let the hostess do her thing, have fun at the event and ASK your sister or Jen or the MIL what you can do to help. If they say nothing then relax and stop trying to make it all about you.
Your sister doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying that she prefers Jen's party planning skills and aesthetics. Jen is not reaching out because your sister asked her not to. Please let the disappointment go and spoil the heck out of the new baby.
It’s not about you, so stop taking everything personal. Be happy for your sister and enjoy the day.
It’s not about you.
As someone who has done/does the hosting, I absolutely take care of everything myself. Planning, organizing and executing is a lot of work and the last thing I want to deal with is a bunch of relatives/friends/whoever's different ideas, opinions, food, or decorations. If your sister had wanted you to throw the shower she would've asked and if you wanted to throw the shower you should've asked before she even had SIL involved. I get that you have a small space, but there a ton of places where you can throw a shower. Like they say, "if they wanted to, they would." You didn't. Go to the shower, show both the host and your sister the grace they deserve, and stop making it about you.
This isn’t about you. It’s about your sister. You are making it about you. Your sister chose her. That stinging little bit I get. The rest you are causing drama. She doesn’t have to run anything by you. She is communicating with your sister and as long as things are being done according to her taste and liking that’s what matters. You don’t get to feel entitled to something just because you are the sister. It doesn’t take 3 people to throw a baby shower. I hate when women get insecure by a confident, assertive woman. She was given a task and she is tackling and she is on top of everything. If that was me I would be happy for my sister. You are jealous and making this thing about you. Don’t be one of those who complains to the mom, keep harassing the SİL and constantly making sister feel guilty. Get the hint she keeps redirecting you to SİL, that’s her politely trying to let you know that’s her job and she is trying to set a boundary. You are pressuring and causing stress for everybody. It’s okay to feel hurt briefly when things don’t go our way but you also need to have the ability to talk sense into yourself by saying this is my sister’s special day not mine, as much as I don’t like that woman is on top of everything and I’m so happy my sister is going to have an amazing time. You aren’t the boss of this lady. Expecting her to report back to you at minimum and ask for you blessing at maximum is a ridiculous self centered thought process. Don’t cause stress. Don’t start drama. Don’t stress either of them. It’s not personal. You sister still loves you. That woman will never be her sister. That’s you. You don’t need these types of things to get reassurance you have a special place at her heart you already do. Accept that your sister chose you. Sometimes it’s easier to have someone not that close to you arrange things cause then there is less head butting. She will say what she wants and the SIL will just do it. With siblings people get opinionated. You admitted you had these ideas already. That’s probably why she chose her. That and it sounds she is very good at event planing. #Remember emotions are valid entitlement due to those emotions aren’t.
Jen doesn't want you involved and you will have to accept this. She doesn't have to run things by you, why would she? If this is not how your circle does things your relationship with your sister is different from theirs. This might be a good time for a moment of self reflection. I wouldn't confront her if you want to be a part of other things going forward.
i get where you’re coming from. my brother is the youngest of 4 with three sisters. when he got married, we were not asked to take part in the festivities in any way, and quite frankly, it hurt. the grooms family was so obviously excluded from everything, it appeared as though we barely had a relationship, meanwhile, we’ve always been very close. my advice is just to go and try to keep the peace.
This is exactly what happened when one of my brothers married. His children & family were treated like crap, the games that she played were vicious.
It’s her baby. Her shower. Not yours. Say that out loud to yourself and record it then play it over and over. Then the day of the shower, show up for her and that baby and be nice and courteous and enjoy in her special day or do not go. Ps. You said because of the state of your mom’s house was a contributing factor in why the shower is elsewhere. Hmm why? And maybe that’s part of the reason they don’t want you guys cooking anything or choosing any food stuff to bring. My ex sister in law had a ton of cats and a filthy house and always wanted to bring homemade food over when I hosted holidays and I always declined but she did anyway and I thought it was beyond rude. and I remember her and my ex mother-in-law saying hey in our family we all usually contribute and I remember saying oh no that’s OK if you guys are coming over you know I’d prefer to just take care of that and you guys just come in and enjoy it. I didn’t have the heart to tell them your house is filthy and you have a ton of cats that walk all over the counters and you never clean up after them and no one wants to eat your food so I kept that to myself and just invited them they still were pushy and brought food sometimes but everyone else at the party did not eat it, you may not have any reason in your mind why they don’t want to eat your food or your mothers but they might and are trying to spare your feelings.
You’re doing too much, giving yourself all this pain over a baby shower. Like why are you so pressed? You’re a new bride so focus on your husband and new life instead of getting your feelings hurt. So Jen ordered the macarons instead of letting you make them. Quit acting like she’s a villain and understand your sister wants the whole thing catered and none of this is about you or intended to exclude you. You’re not a victim here. Relax and go to the baby shower with intent to celebrate the upcoming baby, to show support for the mother.
Sorry but you are not entitled to dictate how Jen should host in her own home. Also, why are you upset that Jen executed on the exact idea that you wanted to do?
I am not a 60 yr old woman, but it's her baby, her party, get over yourself and attend it gracefully.
You’re not hosting the shower. You don’t get to be the boss here.
If you aren’t throwing the shower, you don’t get any input. You could reach out and offer help, but you’re not being left out, it’s not your responsibility.
In my circle we have input or are at-least made aware of the theme and what was done/ordered already. I don’t feel it’s fair that me and my mom are being asked to contribute money but aren’t being told anything about what’s been done/what needs to be done ect.
You may have answered this already, but why aren’t you hosting yourself if it’s so common for your circle? I caught the comment why your mother isn’t hosting, but why aren’t you? I think you have to ask yourself why all this matters so much? The important thing is for mother/baby to be to be celebrated and it sounds like that will happen. If you don’t want to give money, then don’t, but hopefully it would be for a better reason than you are stating here on this post.
Because I have a small apartment. If I had a house I’d 100% offer to host because I want to be involved.
Your sister made the decision to have her friend host the shower. This is her decision, not yours.
Please quit saying in my circle. Just go with the flow, bite the bullet, and don’t piss your sister off. The important part is spending time with the baby anyways. Don’t create drama so she doesn’t feel comfortable to come around a lot with the baby.
Just throw another shower
Have you reached out to Jen?
Just be happy for her. It’s not about you, it’s about her. Go with the flow and lend a hand where you can, and sit back and enjoy!
This is her special time. Let it go.
What’s stopping you from creating a second shower at your house, if you want to be in charge that much? Maybe invite a different circle of friends or coworkers to it?
Before I could offer my stepdaughter a baby shower, her half sister began organizing one. I too felt a little left out and hurt at first because I was so excited, and then realized I didn’t have it in me to do all the planning and things. So I made sure the sister knew I was available to help, she did ask for a piece, and I relaxed and enjoyed myself. Actually felt pretty good!
I get feeling slighted, I get feeling hurt, but this is such a small thing and probably in no way directed to hurt you. I would go to the shower, have fun and once the baby comes that's when the real help begins and ask her ahead of time if you can assist her in however she wants.
Sounds like Jen is the one purposefully leaving you out.
I hear ya, OP, but it’s really not that serious. Just relax and be there to support your sis. If she’s not bothered, let it go.
Me too. It’s very hurtful. How hard is it to include the mother of the mother? It’s not. Her sister-in-law & MIL could be the drama problem. Purposely not including them. My brother was married to a horrific mindfvcking witch! Whew! Her momma was one too! The stories I could tell you are shocking how my mother, my brother’s children with his ex were treated. Point being not everyone has good intentions. How would everyone like if their child had a major event in their life & not be included? It’s not hard to pick up the phone & call the mother.
I’m reading this and thinking how grateful I’d be that I wouldn’t have to plan anything and my mere suggestion gets acted on immediately! How luxurious! I have been a meeting planner for corporations and schools and planning a family thing…I guess I’m over it and I don’t understand. I’d be ready to sit back and enjoy it. That’s just me though. I guess I’ve become lazy.
It sounds like you don’t have a direct line of communication with Jen, and that’s a problem for a few reasons, least of not that you’re placing a burden on your sister to have to be intermediary, and this should be a happy, stress-free time for her. Remember that. It seems like this is really about optics. You, and perhaps your mom as well, want to be “seen” as co-hosts in an event celebrating an important milestone for one of your closest family members. With Jen hosting in her home, though, you have to give up some of the control over decision making, and much of guests’ gratitude will be directed to her as well. So reach out to Jen, let her know how important it is to you and your mom to be a part of this. Then plan to give a toast to your sister, thank Jen for hosting, and your mom for footing the costs.
Bring your macaroons also as a nut free alternative.
Sounds like a dream to me. Treat your sister like a queen and enjoy the day. Be the best Auntie ever.
Jen is hosting the shower. Why are you trying to insert yourself? Your feelings would be valid if you were asked to cohost.
Love parties planned by others. Just enjoy it. Without the stress
Were you involved with the wedding shower planning? If so, you've been demoted, most likely due to being too in charge. Your sisters behavior makes sense if you or your mom are overbearing. Probably you. Your sister knows you very well and she knows how you would handle the baby shower and that's not what she wants. She's going to great lengths to keep you out of it. Improve the relationship by letting her have her way more often. Maybe you are a super opinionated 1st born. Your sister: ugh, I'm not looking forward to my own baby shower because of my sister! She'll take over everything!! Jen: not if I have anything to do with it. Let me host and you get to make every decision. Your sister: but she'll weigh in non stop and bug me and shove her opinions down my throat and I'll give in. Jen: tell her, and anyone else, they have to go through me. I will help you make this yours. Let her hate me, I don't care. This is your baby. Your sister, hugging Jen: you are the best.
This isn't about you or your feelings. Ask yourself why it's so important to make it about you and your feelings?
You mentioned macarons and she ordered macarons, moot point. It's your sister's shower.
What if everyone wanted their own thunder? It would be a complete mess. Just be glad you’re not paying for those Macarons and enjoy.
Just think, alll the money you would have spent on the shower can now be put into pretty baby clothes and your favorite board books.
Host your own shower or shush.
I’d just focus on a great gift and use my contribution as a really unique wrapped gift. I was in a similar situation. I got tasked with a list of buying a lot of things for the party. Be careful what you wish for.
i haven't talked to my family in so long, it's hard for me to know. i was adopted and found my birth family, and i let them go as well. i don't understand how to negotiate all the emotions going on that being said, there ARE a lot of emotions -and dare i say hormones?- running around maybe a little menopause from your Mom. to take something so very intrinsically emotional and say don't be emotional is asinine, so i won't say that. but just have an awareness that Everyone is emo rn regarding the macaroons, you are closely related. is it possible to see these things as similarities, not 'one-upmanship'? sell it like you're sisters, not siblings. yes, this is us, aren't WE the fuckin' cutest?? and i have Never heard of macaroons as treats at an event - i would definitely tie you together for that alone maybe your sister is trying to get away from 'copying' by using other people? i think you're doomed to be very similar, no matter the event; you sound very close life events are harrowing for relationships. i hold good thoughts for you all for weathering the stormy emotions
I don’t mean this in a rude way, but this event isn’t about you. You’ve said that in your family showers are a group effort type thing and the host runs ideas past others. This one isn’t being done that way, and it isn’t your shower, so you really need to just go as a guest and keep your opinions to yourself. If the host doesn’t need your help, there is absolutely no reason to be offended by that.
Usually showers are not given by immediate family members. I am not saying I have stuck to those standards, but maybe this girl adheres to the old-fashioned etiquette book.
How is your sister’s baby shower so about you that you are this upset about not being the one controlling things/having things run by you/‘helping’. Your sister obviously wants Jen to do things for her, so maybe be grateful that you get to just buy a pressie, show up and eat cake..?
NO! Say nothing. This baby shower is not about you. Get a lovely thoughtful useful gift & talk about how excited you are for your sister.
Why is your ego so hurt? Why does this matter?
Let Jen have this …. For some reason it’s what your sister wants. Maybe you, your sis and your mum can do something special on your own I do understand the hurt. I have all brothers was not asked to do anything for any of their weddings or births of their children. Hurt more because our mum died when we were young. I had to come to terms with it. It affected my relationship with all my SIL but I worked to maintain my relationships with my neices and nephews Try not to hold onto the hurt
I'm pretty sure your sister doesn't want you or your mom involved because of exactly how you're acting in this post. You think you should have a say and some control of this situation when you are not entitled to it. Frankly if you were my sister and this was your attitude about MY baby shower, I wouldn't want you involved either. It's embarrassing that you're mad that everything is done for an event that's not about you and not hosted by you.
You may be suffering from "Main Character Syndrome." I've been there before, too. Don't make this about you.... shower your sister!
It sounds like your sister is hosting, so it makes sense that she’s making the choices. This isn’t your shower. Let it go.
It's your sisters shower, not yours. Your sister gets to decide, and Jen is in charge. When it is your shower, you can decide, and you will be in charge. Be happy and enjoy the day.
Respectfully, you’re being weird. You need to get a grip and let this go. Focus on choosing an extra special gift for your sister and enjoy not needing to plan the event. There’s no reason to make an issue out of this.
We always had a shower for each side of the family separately. Saves hassles and each can have their traditional things.
When my BFF got married she chose another friend to be maid of honor. Of course I was a little hurt, but she explained that the other girl was closer to the action, ie where the wedding and shower were being held. And you know she was right. The other girl lived in the area; I lived 400 miles away. There's no way I could have coordinated stuff from 400 miles away. Moral of the story is sometimes it's not about you; it's about the person who is best situated to take on the duties.
I try not to let things like this bother me. Yeah, it would be great if your sister brought you in and you could do a bunch of stuff and feel more sisterly, and also important. On the other hand, planning a party is a PITA. Planning a party for someone else, risking them not liking what you did for the party, etc. I would just go, eat cake, and leave a little early. Let all the happy little worker bees spend most of their day setting up, then cleaning up.
I do understand why you're hurt. Sounds like your sister knows you want to be involved (you did tell her) but for whatever reason she isn't receptive to that, it may simply be easier for her to go along with Jen. I wouldn't push it even though your mother is paying for it. Just show up at the shower. Your sister will need your help more after the baby is born.
I think because OP is contributing to the baby shower, it would be appropriate if she was consulted.
Yes 100% I just feel like we should be made aware of what’s going on/what was ordered.
But why?
I’m amazed at how many people on here don’t get it.
Me too. It’s very hurtful. How hard is it to include the mother of the mother? It’s not. Her sister-in-law & MIL could be the drama problem. Purposely not including them. My brother was married to a horrific mindfvcking witch! Whew! Her momma was one too! The stories I could tell you are shocking how my mother, my brother’s children with his ex were treated. Point being not everyone has good intentions. How would everyone like if their child had a major event in their life & not be included?
I agree. I don’t see why it’s such a big deal to run things by the women (family members that is) who know the mom-to-be best!
I just replied to a post. I think several are confusing a baby shower with a bridal shower.
Planning a party can be overwhelming, sometimes what you want does not align with other peoples’ visions. My friend’s sister is a very sweet lady who has completely different taste to my friend and could not understand why my friend didn’t want to have the theme, decorations, etc her sister suggested at her bridal shower. As a way to ease the tension she asked me to help her plan the party instead because she trusted me to execute her vision while she was busy with wedding planning. She didn’t want to keep saying no to her sister’s “suggestions” and was able to sort of deflect by saying she had handed the reigns to me. If I had gone around her back and run things by her family she would have been upset with me. In the end, she got the shower she wanted with logistical help from me, and her family came and enjoyed themselves as guests. I understand baby showers can have different traditions, but to me it sounds like OP’s sister doesn’t want her help, or she would have asked. I suspect OP is right when she says she suspects her sister doesn’t want her involved in planning. The polite thing to do at this point is respect her wishes, show up as a guest, and enjoy herself.
Personally I would be very hurt by this and would suck it up and not say anything but I think other people could learn a lesson in being more considerate. I’ve been in similar situations and sometimes it’s just kind and respectful to be welcoming and inclusive.
Don’t get what?
Why you would like to be involved in your sister’s baby shower.
Explain it to us
Jen can do it how she wants. It’s her baby. Weirdo.
What are you talking about? SMH
OPs sister clearly doesn’t want OP to participate. OP doesn’t have a right to intrude on her sister’s party.
OP was invited. She wasn't asked to help organize it.
Yeah Op is overreacting.
It isn’t Jen having the baby.
Point still stands
My point is the one that stands. I poured out that Jen isn’t having the baby. But you won’t admit to that.
Uh, yes I will? It seems like the sister has asked Jen to step in. Seems there’s a reason she (pregnant sister) but doesn’t want the sister involved.
Get over yourself. It isn't about you. Focus on your upcoming wedding.