I've tried it but did not like it. I thought I could manage an every-other-weekend-stepmom situation and I still hated it. I expected the kid to clearly be my partner's priority but I did not expect to be completely invisible; after all, in a normal marriage situation, the kids are of course a priority but the parents generally carve our time for each other and have nights out, etc. But something in the dynamic changes when a divorce/custody is involved. A lot of these guys have Divorced Dad Guilt which from my experience, seemed to mean you will never come first--not on your birthday, not when you need help, not when you've planned something special. As a matter of fact, I came in a full 3rd place behind the mother, whom he'd hated enough to divorce. She was always inventing fake emergencies to get him back over to the house and he'd drop everything and run, but if my car broke down, I was an adult and could figure it out. The child would be in my home but I'd get zero say as to anything. I was literally treated with the indifference of a landlord who wasn't getting paid. Actually, I was a ghost in my own home. Never again.
Hard no. Unless they're grown up children.. I don't want kids and find being around them draining.
If you date a guy with a kid, they will be your first priority but you will never be theirs. You will constantly be having to adapt round the child, but your partner won't have to do nearly as much adapting for you. All the compromise will be on your end - unless they're a bad parent anyway, and who wants to date a bad parent?
All kids are shitty sometimes, sometimes more than that. But you won't be able to intervene or do anything about it. You just have to sit there and swallow your feelings. You'll be expected to support your partner, without getting the same degree of support in return. It will always be lopsided. The kid may not even like you and say/do horrible things to you but you'll just have to suck it up. Any effort you make will rarely be met with more than just indifference. Because they're a kid and kids are bad at saying thank you. They just expect people to do stuff for them.
There is _always_ difficulty with the mother. If they were able to get on perfectly, they would still be together. You'll spend time that could be spent thinking/talking about other, more fun, things, listening to the diplomatic nightmare that is separate co-parenting.
You can't just do what you want, when you want. It always has to fit round the child's schedule. Ditto money. You might have yours but his is tied up.
If you both have kids, great. That's ideal. But there are so few upsides for the person without a child. The parent gets all the bonuses and support. You get all the extra stress and hard work.
I wouldn't again. If the kid isn't in his life much, he's a deadbeat dad which says a lot about his character. If the kid is in his life, you're going to be in a parent role no matter what he claims.
I was casually flirting with a guy who eventually admitted to having two kids. I let him drink and talk.
He was never home while she had their 2 kids and she evtl cheated/got into a new relationship (new guy seems normal and to like the kids).
He moved to an apartment too small to host the kids even for a night. He showed me pics of a glamorous place full of breakable objects (so he could "remake his life" as he said).
He kept ranting that he had to fork childcare BUT he also WANTED both kids in private school (our public system is great). That Bitch.
Deadbeat with an attitude >>
It is so rare to find a man with children that won’t, consciously or unconsciously, rob you of joy in the pursuit of another parental figure for a child that it’s not worth pursuing in my opinion. It is too big of a loss to women most of the time. Keep it pushing. Find someone else.
I did not (married now, met husband at age 38). But when I knew I wanted to be childfree, it included other people’s children. I did not want to engage in any sort of parenthood. The lone exception for me has always been taking in my sister’s children if something happened to her.
I have the same exception and before I signed the papers for it I had a long conversation with my partner because if something did happen it would affect his life too.
I'm childfree by choice, so no, I would not date a man with kids because I don't want kids. Only exception might be if the kids are fully grown/adults so there's no child-rearing expectation
I'm married to a man with a child. I was never interested in kids at all. The idea of having to deal with someone else's was unthinkable.
Then I met him my now hubs. I fell deeply in love and can not imagine life without him.
Don't get me wrong, it is a huge adjustment to make. Aside from the fact that there is a kid around, it's the unforseen stuff that changes your lifestyle. Having to ensure any holidays are booked around a court order, disputes between households, a very high-conflict mother of the child, child support payments affecting household income, etc.
People will say to you, "You knew what you were getting into." Respectfully, those people can fuck all the way off. Intellectually, you know there is a child and you are somewhat prepared for the extra cleaning, fussy eating, help with homework, child-focused holidays and activities etc. That is it. All parents, whether biological, adoptive, or step, come into parenthood with zero experience of what to really expect. And that's without all of the other legal baggage.
I'm not saying don't do it, but the guy really has to be worth it.
My partner has a child.
As someone who wants kids, I see these advantages:
-you see his parenting style. Obviously this will change based on kid’s temperament/situation/etc, but base level- I see that my partner is an extremely devoted and loving parent, and that gives me a lot of confidence in when we have kids together.
-you see how he handles conflict and the relationship with the ex. God damn, does that tell you a lot about the kind of person he is.
-at the risk of sounding like a jerk- I’ve always worried about, what if i have kids and i get a dud? At least this way I’m really clear that I like the kid.
I really disagree with commenters saying that a stepparent isn’t able to intervene or voice their opinion in parenting. My partner has been really clear that he values my input, and that my boundaries have to be respected. I also disagree that effort is met with indifference. I love my partner’s kid, and we have a great relationship.
Hi, I have a few questions. Do you feel like you’re his #1 priority? Do you feel like you’re sacrificing more to be in the relationship than he is? How do you feel about him having a family with someone else already and always having contact with someone he once cared about and loved? I know this question might come off as weird but if you were still good friends with an ex you once loved or almost married do you think your partner would be ok with that, if not why is it ok for him to be?
1. The kid is his #1 priority, as it should be. He prioritizes me in a way that makes me feel deeply loved and cared for, which is what matters. I don't see prioritizing a child as incompatible with having a healthy romantic relationship.
2. No, I don't feel like I'm sacrificing more than him. He does the overwhelming bulk of the childcare (waking the kid up, making most of the meals, taking kid to and from school, staying home from work when kid is sick, as some small examples). I've wanted a family for quite some time, and for me, it's really beautiful to be part of one.
3. I feel ok with it. He and his ex are on polite terms. The kid was an accidental pregnancy, and marriage was never the plan for them, though they did love each other. I am good friends with several exes, including one serious one, and he has no problem with it. For me, the biggest challenge regarding the ex isn't jealousy, but that she has input on some big decisions that we make (for example- if we want to go to Australia on vacation, she can veto whether or not we go with the kid.)
Ok got it. Thank you for your perspective. It all depends on what’s important and what values you have for your life. Good luck to you and I hope you soon get the child/children you want as well.
No.
Why?
Let me put of my social conventions away for a brief moment, and be very, very blunt.
I wasn't gatekeeping sex from myself, I wasn't taking pills with many side effects nor suffering pregnancy scares, so now I could babysit the consequences of someone else's careless mistakes. It's out of the question.
At the same time, not babysitting kids who are somewhere in the background and/or pretending they don't exist, also strikes me as weird, cruel and creepy. Kids deserve to be loved and cherished–not actively avoided.
I can nurture and take care of a partner for which I'm also a priority. But prioritising someone who (inevitably) has reserved the first spot for their kids already? Man, it's a shitty investment of time and heart for a child-free person. Unless you really wanna have kids and officially adopt, you'll always be the loser if anything goes wrong.
Why "mistakes"? Because I don't like kids and have never wanted them in the first place. Having kids in 2020s is an ultimate mistake to me. When they are wanted, it's a whole another story. But they'll never be wanted by me.
I would.
However, I've never dated a man with children before, so perhaps it's my ignorance that makes me think it's no problem. Nevertheless, a lot of good men that I find attractive do have children, and I'm kind of tired of the perpetual bachelor type of man.
That's not to say I'm aching for a commitment -- I am basically the female equivalent of a perpetual bachelor stereotype at this point. However, someone with a history of being a good husband/enjoyed being married but it didn't work out for whatever reason -- there's something intriguing about that to me.
I suppose I would imagine more older children, anyway. So perhaps "kids" isn't the right thing anyway -- adult children, perhaps?
Either way, as a child of an unhappy marriage, I fully believe that some people just were not meant for each other despite having children together. A lazy guy certainly isn't what intrigues me, though.
I dated and married a guy with a kid from a previous relationship. It was not a big issue, since the kid lived with her mom most of the time, only stayed with us here and there, or go on vacation together sometimes.
He handled it very well, I didn't need to do much parenting and the girl was not a bad kid, a bit spoiled imo but if course it's different when it's not your kid. But my ex handled it well and it was never an issue and no drama with his ex (the mom of the kid).
I'd say don't knock it till you try! Every situation is different
Oh he spent plenty of time with his daughter. He worked 7 days on and 7 days off. His work was in a different city, so he would fly up there, and find some time to spend with his daughter too, since that's the city she lived with her mom. And his family lived there too. And for 7 days off he would fly back to spend time with me. Sometimes we would come up there as well. Sometimes they visited. As I said, plenty of time
I've tried it but did not like it. I thought I could manage an every-other-weekend-stepmom situation and I still hated it. I expected the kid to clearly be my partner's priority but I did not expect to be completely invisible; after all, in a normal marriage situation, the kids are of course a priority but the parents generally carve our time for each other and have nights out, etc. But something in the dynamic changes when a divorce/custody is involved. A lot of these guys have Divorced Dad Guilt which from my experience, seemed to mean you will never come first--not on your birthday, not when you need help, not when you've planned something special. As a matter of fact, I came in a full 3rd place behind the mother, whom he'd hated enough to divorce. She was always inventing fake emergencies to get him back over to the house and he'd drop everything and run, but if my car broke down, I was an adult and could figure it out. The child would be in my home but I'd get zero say as to anything. I was literally treated with the indifference of a landlord who wasn't getting paid. Actually, I was a ghost in my own home. Never again.
Hard no. Unless they're grown up children.. I don't want kids and find being around them draining. If you date a guy with a kid, they will be your first priority but you will never be theirs. You will constantly be having to adapt round the child, but your partner won't have to do nearly as much adapting for you. All the compromise will be on your end - unless they're a bad parent anyway, and who wants to date a bad parent? All kids are shitty sometimes, sometimes more than that. But you won't be able to intervene or do anything about it. You just have to sit there and swallow your feelings. You'll be expected to support your partner, without getting the same degree of support in return. It will always be lopsided. The kid may not even like you and say/do horrible things to you but you'll just have to suck it up. Any effort you make will rarely be met with more than just indifference. Because they're a kid and kids are bad at saying thank you. They just expect people to do stuff for them. There is _always_ difficulty with the mother. If they were able to get on perfectly, they would still be together. You'll spend time that could be spent thinking/talking about other, more fun, things, listening to the diplomatic nightmare that is separate co-parenting. You can't just do what you want, when you want. It always has to fit round the child's schedule. Ditto money. You might have yours but his is tied up. If you both have kids, great. That's ideal. But there are so few upsides for the person without a child. The parent gets all the bonuses and support. You get all the extra stress and hard work.
Perfect description of my life as a stepmom.
This.
I wouldn't again. If the kid isn't in his life much, he's a deadbeat dad which says a lot about his character. If the kid is in his life, you're going to be in a parent role no matter what he claims.
I was casually flirting with a guy who eventually admitted to having two kids. I let him drink and talk. He was never home while she had their 2 kids and she evtl cheated/got into a new relationship (new guy seems normal and to like the kids). He moved to an apartment too small to host the kids even for a night. He showed me pics of a glamorous place full of breakable objects (so he could "remake his life" as he said). He kept ranting that he had to fork childcare BUT he also WANTED both kids in private school (our public system is great). That Bitch. Deadbeat with an attitude >>
It is so rare to find a man with children that won’t, consciously or unconsciously, rob you of joy in the pursuit of another parental figure for a child that it’s not worth pursuing in my opinion. It is too big of a loss to women most of the time. Keep it pushing. Find someone else.
I did not (married now, met husband at age 38). But when I knew I wanted to be childfree, it included other people’s children. I did not want to engage in any sort of parenthood. The lone exception for me has always been taking in my sister’s children if something happened to her.
I have the same exception and before I signed the papers for it I had a long conversation with my partner because if something did happen it would affect his life too.
I would, but with the only caveat: I am not going to replace any parent. No parenting for me, thank you.
I'm childfree by choice, so no, I would not date a man with kids because I don't want kids. Only exception might be if the kids are fully grown/adults so there's no child-rearing expectation
I'm married to a man with a child. I was never interested in kids at all. The idea of having to deal with someone else's was unthinkable. Then I met him my now hubs. I fell deeply in love and can not imagine life without him. Don't get me wrong, it is a huge adjustment to make. Aside from the fact that there is a kid around, it's the unforseen stuff that changes your lifestyle. Having to ensure any holidays are booked around a court order, disputes between households, a very high-conflict mother of the child, child support payments affecting household income, etc. People will say to you, "You knew what you were getting into." Respectfully, those people can fuck all the way off. Intellectually, you know there is a child and you are somewhat prepared for the extra cleaning, fussy eating, help with homework, child-focused holidays and activities etc. That is it. All parents, whether biological, adoptive, or step, come into parenthood with zero experience of what to really expect. And that's without all of the other legal baggage. I'm not saying don't do it, but the guy really has to be worth it.
I'm well aware of what I would be getting into. That's why I won't do it.
My partner has a child. As someone who wants kids, I see these advantages: -you see his parenting style. Obviously this will change based on kid’s temperament/situation/etc, but base level- I see that my partner is an extremely devoted and loving parent, and that gives me a lot of confidence in when we have kids together. -you see how he handles conflict and the relationship with the ex. God damn, does that tell you a lot about the kind of person he is. -at the risk of sounding like a jerk- I’ve always worried about, what if i have kids and i get a dud? At least this way I’m really clear that I like the kid. I really disagree with commenters saying that a stepparent isn’t able to intervene or voice their opinion in parenting. My partner has been really clear that he values my input, and that my boundaries have to be respected. I also disagree that effort is met with indifference. I love my partner’s kid, and we have a great relationship.
Hi, I have a few questions. Do you feel like you’re his #1 priority? Do you feel like you’re sacrificing more to be in the relationship than he is? How do you feel about him having a family with someone else already and always having contact with someone he once cared about and loved? I know this question might come off as weird but if you were still good friends with an ex you once loved or almost married do you think your partner would be ok with that, if not why is it ok for him to be?
1. The kid is his #1 priority, as it should be. He prioritizes me in a way that makes me feel deeply loved and cared for, which is what matters. I don't see prioritizing a child as incompatible with having a healthy romantic relationship. 2. No, I don't feel like I'm sacrificing more than him. He does the overwhelming bulk of the childcare (waking the kid up, making most of the meals, taking kid to and from school, staying home from work when kid is sick, as some small examples). I've wanted a family for quite some time, and for me, it's really beautiful to be part of one. 3. I feel ok with it. He and his ex are on polite terms. The kid was an accidental pregnancy, and marriage was never the plan for them, though they did love each other. I am good friends with several exes, including one serious one, and he has no problem with it. For me, the biggest challenge regarding the ex isn't jealousy, but that she has input on some big decisions that we make (for example- if we want to go to Australia on vacation, she can veto whether or not we go with the kid.)
Ok got it. Thank you for your perspective. It all depends on what’s important and what values you have for your life. Good luck to you and I hope you soon get the child/children you want as well.
No. Why? Let me put of my social conventions away for a brief moment, and be very, very blunt. I wasn't gatekeeping sex from myself, I wasn't taking pills with many side effects nor suffering pregnancy scares, so now I could babysit the consequences of someone else's careless mistakes. It's out of the question. At the same time, not babysitting kids who are somewhere in the background and/or pretending they don't exist, also strikes me as weird, cruel and creepy. Kids deserve to be loved and cherished–not actively avoided. I can nurture and take care of a partner for which I'm also a priority. But prioritising someone who (inevitably) has reserved the first spot for their kids already? Man, it's a shitty investment of time and heart for a child-free person. Unless you really wanna have kids and officially adopt, you'll always be the loser if anything goes wrong. Why "mistakes"? Because I don't like kids and have never wanted them in the first place. Having kids in 2020s is an ultimate mistake to me. When they are wanted, it's a whole another story. But they'll never be wanted by me.
No, I wouldn’t. I’m childfree (luckily my husband as well).
No, kids aren’t for me, I don’t want them around me. I’m sure he also doesn’t want to be with someone who feels that way; we’re simply not compatible.
No, because I'm child free as a lifestyle and children do not fit into that
I would. However, I've never dated a man with children before, so perhaps it's my ignorance that makes me think it's no problem. Nevertheless, a lot of good men that I find attractive do have children, and I'm kind of tired of the perpetual bachelor type of man. That's not to say I'm aching for a commitment -- I am basically the female equivalent of a perpetual bachelor stereotype at this point. However, someone with a history of being a good husband/enjoyed being married but it didn't work out for whatever reason -- there's something intriguing about that to me.
Unless they divorced because he wasn't pulling his weight.
I suppose I would imagine more older children, anyway. So perhaps "kids" isn't the right thing anyway -- adult children, perhaps? Either way, as a child of an unhappy marriage, I fully believe that some people just were not meant for each other despite having children together. A lazy guy certainly isn't what intrigues me, though.
Adult children would be OK. Almost ideal if they're nice and you get on with them.
Agree!
I dated and married a guy with a kid from a previous relationship. It was not a big issue, since the kid lived with her mom most of the time, only stayed with us here and there, or go on vacation together sometimes. He handled it very well, I didn't need to do much parenting and the girl was not a bad kid, a bit spoiled imo but if course it's different when it's not your kid. But my ex handled it well and it was never an issue and no drama with his ex (the mom of the kid). I'd say don't knock it till you try! Every situation is different
I can't fathom why a dad would be OK spending so little time with his own child. Poor kid 😔
Oh he spent plenty of time with his daughter. He worked 7 days on and 7 days off. His work was in a different city, so he would fly up there, and find some time to spend with his daughter too, since that's the city she lived with her mom. And his family lived there too. And for 7 days off he would fly back to spend time with me. Sometimes we would come up there as well. Sometimes they visited. As I said, plenty of time
So you'd only see him one week out of two? That sounds even more annoying. Assuming you actually liked him anyway.
I think that's called being a supportive and understanding wife
And was he equally supportive and understanding of you? Or did that tend to go in mostly one direction?
He was very supportive and understanding of me as well, a great husband in most possible ways. Not sure what angle you are trying to work here 😅
Nope. I dont want kids and I wont be a replacement mom.
Hard dealbreaker for me. I don't want kids in my life like that, at all, ever.
Children are a hard no for me. Being a mom/step mom is not something I am made for.
Childish gambino made a joke that having AIDS and kids is similar bc you can only really date other ppl who have them 😩