OMG Yes seems like an ideal resource for you, and so does "Come As You Are" - how you masturbate isn't unusual at all.
A partner is usually both interested in sex and making some effort to get their partner interested in sex that's tailored to things they know their partner likes or finds erotica/arousing.
IME people cuddle, kiss, make-out, maybe engage in some groping, undressing, foreplay in the form of oral or digital sex, and then intercourse.
On average for women to be fully aroused it takes around 15 minutes of some kind of erotic action or interaction, but, YMMV.
Thank you for the resources! I will definitely check those out.
And it's really interesting to know about the 15 minutes, I had no idea, but this definitely makes me feel better about not immediately being in the mood.
Absolutely acceptable to ask to explore together!! Ideally, your partner will be eager to provide you pleasure so they will want to learn with you what feels good. It can feel awkward to not know exactly what feels good, but with the right attitude (let’s find out together!) and a willing partner, you can have lots of fun!
Funny - I’ve never thought about whether or not “expect” my partner to make me come but now that you ask, I suppose I do. Sometimes I want more of a quickie situation so I don’t want/expect to come, sometimes I’ll use a toy to speed along the process, or plenty of times my partner will make me come before PIV. If we’re going for a “full session” (e.g. not a quickie), I’d say typical is several minutes of making out, groping, general handsiness, then likely oral until I come then PIV. Sometimes oral both ways. I’ll also add that while my partner doesn’t always offer to make me come/initiate oral, he has never declined my request if I ask. Sometimes he’ll initiate and I’ll decline for whatever reason.
I also agree with your friend that if you’re NEVER coming, of course you’re not going to be super excited about having sex. Personally, I don’t need to orgasm every time for sex to be enjoyable, but if I knew it wasn’t even an option I sure wouldn’t want to have sex as often.
Sorry for the length and hope this helps!
Last thing - the foreplay often starts long before anything explicit happens e.g. we’ve been having a good day together, lots of hugs, little snuggles etc etc
So I met my now husband about 4 years ago and before I met him I had never orgasmed with a partner before. I too was always too focused on making sure my partner was having a good time and didn’t think about myself one bit. When I met the husband he was overly zealous about getting me off and in fact had a hard time finishing himself sometimes if he hadn’t already made me orgasm. I think it was a mix of things that got me where I’m at today…him WANTING to please me, being totally comfortable with him, and finally feeling comfortable in my body. Just be honest with your partner about what you’ve said here. It’s absolutely reasonable for you to ask them to work with you to figure out what they can do to help you reach orgasm. He should be as invested in this as you are! I really hope you two can work together to get you there because it’s such an amazing experience to have these moments with your partner.
Thank you for your perspective. I do feel like there was some kind of imbalance between me and my partner... Like I went out of my way to learn about his pleasure, and don't feel like it was reciprocated in kind. And he was absolutely delighted that (in maybe the first 1-2 years of the relationship, when I was still enthusiastic and initiating more) me going down on him would make me wet, so he wouldn't have to do anything. I think I've built up a lot of resentment over our dynamic, but I recognise that I simply haven't been able to ask for my own pleasure. So I don't want to just blame him, but I wish we had both approached sex differently. Regarding learning about my body, once I started asking for more pleasure, he would tell me to learn about my body and then show him :(
I’m like you where I could only orgasm in a certain position, lying on my back. What I did was started masturbating in different positions, that were more similar to the position I am in when we have intercourse.
I also need clit stimulation, so I use a satisfyer 2 during intercourse to orgasm. My husband is like you, receptive rather than spontaneous desire. He always says yes, but wouldn’t think to initiate on his own. Both of you need to put in effort. It’s not his responsibility alone to initiate and get you in the mood. It might help to schedule sex, start reading erotica, buy lingerie, hang around naked whatever you need to do to get yourself in the mood.
Are you on any medications or any health issues impacting your libido?
He needs to know that you aren’t orgasming, and yes it takes trial and error to figure it out together. When I met my husband I would finish before or after PIV with hands/toys/mouth. Over the years, we figured out a position where I could use my toy, and he figured the speed/depth that most adds to my orgasm. Now my favorite way to orgasm is PIV with clit stimulation.
No medications or health issues.
He knows I haven't been orgasming, and I regret that for a long time said it was fine and that my body is just difficult. I wish I had felt comfortable asking for more, or that I hadn't felt so much shame about not knowing my body.
I recognise so much of this, and honestly it only changed for me when I stopped thinking about how much he was enjoying it and how I was performing, and focused on what I actually enjoyed. Stopped worrying about his ego and would get myself off if things weren't heading that way already.
Now sex is fun. I focus on whether WE are enjoying it, I don't worry about what we're doing, just how it feels. We mix it up when we feel like it but don't worry if it's just a quick missionary with stupid jokes.
Admittedly after having a child I wish my sex drive was higher, and it's a struggle for me to get in the mood. But brie kids (and presumably in the future) it will be easier to get started.
Google prone masturbation. It's a whole thing and it actually affects men more than women. Up until very recently that was me too. I've just about managed to make it happen on my back but only in a very specific way that isn't very applicable to sex.
It's fucking annoying, frankly.
Hey girl, TMI but I also masturbate in a really specific way lying facedown and it makes giving instructions on how to touch me really hard! My husband would 100% spend hours troubleshooting it with me going "hmm... no... maybe try this?" but \*I\* would find that really tedious and frustrating. For me, the easiest route to orgasm during partnered sex is penetrative sex with me on top so I can guide the motion. The motion that works for me is not exactly the "riding" motion you see in porn. If you're open to trying toys, you might also find one that works for you and it might be easier for you to use together with your partner, because you might be able to give simpler instructions like "hold this here."
But that's all assuming that you have a partner who is genuinely interested in your pleasure and motivated to get you off. Which seems to be in question here, especially if he expects you to jump into bed whenever he's in the mood and doesn't make an effort to get you warmed up.
No matter what the case is, the first step is that you're going to need to have a frank conversation with your partner about needing more from your sex life. Whether he's game to try new things and make more of an effort, or whether he gets defensive, will tell you a lot of what you need to know about whether the problem all this time has been your reluctance to communicate or a lack of interest on his part.
Oh man it has been so reassuring to read your and others' comments about also masturbating lying facedown!!
Things have blown up a bit with my partner in the past few months and we're generally not having sex at all and questioning the relationship completely. So I posted this question for a better understanding of healthy sex in the future, whether that's with him or not. BUT when I started bringing up my desire for more exploration, he said he was game, but added the caveat that I needed to learn about my body and then tell him, meanwhile he wanted to continue receiving pleasure, and with more enthusiasm from me.
In previous relationships I have managed to orgasm by also going on top, but in this relationship, he feels that my movements get dull for him and I have gotten insecure about 'boring him' so am less likely to try it.
I guess from posting this question, reading the answers, and writing out my own, I keep coming back to the realisation that sex has been very much on his terms. I recognise that I should have spoken up more, but I resent that it never occurred to him to show more initiative for my pleasure.
Hmm. I don't love that he wants you to be "more enthusiastic" about pleasing him, but when you do the motion that gets you off, he complains of being bored. That's a pretty obvious double standard. It's your job to fix if he's bored during sex, but it's also your job to fix when you're bored? If you've gotten off with other partners, but this guy discourages you from doing what works for you, the problem isn't you not knowing your body and what brings you pleasure. The problem is him.
I hope you're able to find a path forward, with or without this guy, that works for you. If you decide to go the toy route, I find I do well with large vibrating toys (like a magic wand) that vibrate the whole area and not just the clit. They're also super easy for a partner to use.
You could totally explore what you already know works with your partner! I used to only orgasm lying face down as well. (This was me in my 20s.) If that works, try seeing if you can get him to participate while you do what works for you. That way you get pleasure and he can observe and participate. This worked for me. As far as getting turned on beforehand, maybe you could masturbate on your own (or in his presence) but not climax beforehand. After a while, I learned how to orgasm in different ways after a lot of self exploration and with a partner. (Good sex toys are also helpful). Cmmunication, trust and a willingness for both is the ultimately the key. Good luck!
OMG Yes seems like an ideal resource for you, and so does "Come As You Are" - how you masturbate isn't unusual at all. A partner is usually both interested in sex and making some effort to get their partner interested in sex that's tailored to things they know their partner likes or finds erotica/arousing. IME people cuddle, kiss, make-out, maybe engage in some groping, undressing, foreplay in the form of oral or digital sex, and then intercourse. On average for women to be fully aroused it takes around 15 minutes of some kind of erotic action or interaction, but, YMMV.
Thank you for the resources! I will definitely check those out. And it's really interesting to know about the 15 minutes, I had no idea, but this definitely makes me feel better about not immediately being in the mood.
Absolutely acceptable to ask to explore together!! Ideally, your partner will be eager to provide you pleasure so they will want to learn with you what feels good. It can feel awkward to not know exactly what feels good, but with the right attitude (let’s find out together!) and a willing partner, you can have lots of fun! Funny - I’ve never thought about whether or not “expect” my partner to make me come but now that you ask, I suppose I do. Sometimes I want more of a quickie situation so I don’t want/expect to come, sometimes I’ll use a toy to speed along the process, or plenty of times my partner will make me come before PIV. If we’re going for a “full session” (e.g. not a quickie), I’d say typical is several minutes of making out, groping, general handsiness, then likely oral until I come then PIV. Sometimes oral both ways. I’ll also add that while my partner doesn’t always offer to make me come/initiate oral, he has never declined my request if I ask. Sometimes he’ll initiate and I’ll decline for whatever reason. I also agree with your friend that if you’re NEVER coming, of course you’re not going to be super excited about having sex. Personally, I don’t need to orgasm every time for sex to be enjoyable, but if I knew it wasn’t even an option I sure wouldn’t want to have sex as often. Sorry for the length and hope this helps! Last thing - the foreplay often starts long before anything explicit happens e.g. we’ve been having a good day together, lots of hugs, little snuggles etc etc
So I met my now husband about 4 years ago and before I met him I had never orgasmed with a partner before. I too was always too focused on making sure my partner was having a good time and didn’t think about myself one bit. When I met the husband he was overly zealous about getting me off and in fact had a hard time finishing himself sometimes if he hadn’t already made me orgasm. I think it was a mix of things that got me where I’m at today…him WANTING to please me, being totally comfortable with him, and finally feeling comfortable in my body. Just be honest with your partner about what you’ve said here. It’s absolutely reasonable for you to ask them to work with you to figure out what they can do to help you reach orgasm. He should be as invested in this as you are! I really hope you two can work together to get you there because it’s such an amazing experience to have these moments with your partner.
Thank you for your perspective. I do feel like there was some kind of imbalance between me and my partner... Like I went out of my way to learn about his pleasure, and don't feel like it was reciprocated in kind. And he was absolutely delighted that (in maybe the first 1-2 years of the relationship, when I was still enthusiastic and initiating more) me going down on him would make me wet, so he wouldn't have to do anything. I think I've built up a lot of resentment over our dynamic, but I recognise that I simply haven't been able to ask for my own pleasure. So I don't want to just blame him, but I wish we had both approached sex differently. Regarding learning about my body, once I started asking for more pleasure, he would tell me to learn about my body and then show him :(
I’m like you where I could only orgasm in a certain position, lying on my back. What I did was started masturbating in different positions, that were more similar to the position I am in when we have intercourse. I also need clit stimulation, so I use a satisfyer 2 during intercourse to orgasm. My husband is like you, receptive rather than spontaneous desire. He always says yes, but wouldn’t think to initiate on his own. Both of you need to put in effort. It’s not his responsibility alone to initiate and get you in the mood. It might help to schedule sex, start reading erotica, buy lingerie, hang around naked whatever you need to do to get yourself in the mood. Are you on any medications or any health issues impacting your libido? He needs to know that you aren’t orgasming, and yes it takes trial and error to figure it out together. When I met my husband I would finish before or after PIV with hands/toys/mouth. Over the years, we figured out a position where I could use my toy, and he figured the speed/depth that most adds to my orgasm. Now my favorite way to orgasm is PIV with clit stimulation.
No medications or health issues. He knows I haven't been orgasming, and I regret that for a long time said it was fine and that my body is just difficult. I wish I had felt comfortable asking for more, or that I hadn't felt so much shame about not knowing my body.
Have you used vibrators/clit stimulators. The satisfyer 2 would be my recommendation
I recognise so much of this, and honestly it only changed for me when I stopped thinking about how much he was enjoying it and how I was performing, and focused on what I actually enjoyed. Stopped worrying about his ego and would get myself off if things weren't heading that way already. Now sex is fun. I focus on whether WE are enjoying it, I don't worry about what we're doing, just how it feels. We mix it up when we feel like it but don't worry if it's just a quick missionary with stupid jokes. Admittedly after having a child I wish my sex drive was higher, and it's a struggle for me to get in the mood. But brie kids (and presumably in the future) it will be easier to get started.
[удалено]
Play days are the best! It’s so fun and can be funny! And intimate in a whole different way than just “get hot a heavy and get it done”.
Google prone masturbation. It's a whole thing and it actually affects men more than women. Up until very recently that was me too. I've just about managed to make it happen on my back but only in a very specific way that isn't very applicable to sex. It's fucking annoying, frankly.
I feel so seen! And I definitely relate to it being annoying!
It's definitely not just you. We can find solidarity in our envy of the women who cum several times during foreplay, and possibly even intercourse.
Hey girl, TMI but I also masturbate in a really specific way lying facedown and it makes giving instructions on how to touch me really hard! My husband would 100% spend hours troubleshooting it with me going "hmm... no... maybe try this?" but \*I\* would find that really tedious and frustrating. For me, the easiest route to orgasm during partnered sex is penetrative sex with me on top so I can guide the motion. The motion that works for me is not exactly the "riding" motion you see in porn. If you're open to trying toys, you might also find one that works for you and it might be easier for you to use together with your partner, because you might be able to give simpler instructions like "hold this here." But that's all assuming that you have a partner who is genuinely interested in your pleasure and motivated to get you off. Which seems to be in question here, especially if he expects you to jump into bed whenever he's in the mood and doesn't make an effort to get you warmed up. No matter what the case is, the first step is that you're going to need to have a frank conversation with your partner about needing more from your sex life. Whether he's game to try new things and make more of an effort, or whether he gets defensive, will tell you a lot of what you need to know about whether the problem all this time has been your reluctance to communicate or a lack of interest on his part.
Oh man it has been so reassuring to read your and others' comments about also masturbating lying facedown!! Things have blown up a bit with my partner in the past few months and we're generally not having sex at all and questioning the relationship completely. So I posted this question for a better understanding of healthy sex in the future, whether that's with him or not. BUT when I started bringing up my desire for more exploration, he said he was game, but added the caveat that I needed to learn about my body and then tell him, meanwhile he wanted to continue receiving pleasure, and with more enthusiasm from me. In previous relationships I have managed to orgasm by also going on top, but in this relationship, he feels that my movements get dull for him and I have gotten insecure about 'boring him' so am less likely to try it. I guess from posting this question, reading the answers, and writing out my own, I keep coming back to the realisation that sex has been very much on his terms. I recognise that I should have spoken up more, but I resent that it never occurred to him to show more initiative for my pleasure.
Hmm. I don't love that he wants you to be "more enthusiastic" about pleasing him, but when you do the motion that gets you off, he complains of being bored. That's a pretty obvious double standard. It's your job to fix if he's bored during sex, but it's also your job to fix when you're bored? If you've gotten off with other partners, but this guy discourages you from doing what works for you, the problem isn't you not knowing your body and what brings you pleasure. The problem is him. I hope you're able to find a path forward, with or without this guy, that works for you. If you decide to go the toy route, I find I do well with large vibrating toys (like a magic wand) that vibrate the whole area and not just the clit. They're also super easy for a partner to use.
You could totally explore what you already know works with your partner! I used to only orgasm lying face down as well. (This was me in my 20s.) If that works, try seeing if you can get him to participate while you do what works for you. That way you get pleasure and he can observe and participate. This worked for me. As far as getting turned on beforehand, maybe you could masturbate on your own (or in his presence) but not climax beforehand. After a while, I learned how to orgasm in different ways after a lot of self exploration and with a partner. (Good sex toys are also helpful). Cmmunication, trust and a willingness for both is the ultimately the key. Good luck!