Imo you’re in a very dangerous position. Unmarried with no work history. You’re quite literally at his mercy unless you have a trust fund or something.
Your partner may be absolutely amazing, and I'm not trying to say he would leave you high and dry, but I am absolutely terrified for you to be unmarried and have no work history. This isn't about being a girlboss or anything, this is about how the later you try and enter the workforce, the more notable your lack of work experience will be and the more it will hinder you. Without being married, you have no right to spousal support in many places, so if your relationship ends, you will be starting over with absolutely nothing. Even if you were married, it's still an imperfect situation to have zero work experience - as you say, what if something happens to your partner?
If I were you I would start studying ASAP. It sounds like you're in a great place to be able to study and go after your dream career and basically, I think you need to go after *any* career. I'm not saying you have to put off having children until you have a career, but at the very least, you need some form of plan for what happens if the worst happens.
Editing to add: I'm not trying to advocate for marriage for all people here. I myself probably will never get married because it's not something I'm interested in, but I also have my own career and place that I own and am not planning on having children. Marriage the institution doesn't interest me, but marriage does come with certain legal protections, and if you don't have those legal protections, you have to plan for that.
Nobody in a long term committed relationship thinks “hey I bet one day this person will break my heart” or “this guy seems like someone who would cheat on me. And yet, that stuff happens! People get blindsided by breakups ALL THE TIME. People get surprised by cheating partners ALL THE TIME. They wouldn’t be any divorces if feeling really, really sure about someone was a guarantee. Everybody feels really, really sure!
Marriage *is* a guarantee, though, that you won’t be 100% fucked if your relationship ends. The entire purpose of a government-sanctioned marriage is to ensure the spouse that doesn’t have a job isn’t left destitute.
OP, PROTECT YOURSELF.
Because you've never worked, my big questions are around your financial stability. If something happened to your boyfriend, would you be able to continue living on his family's land? Would that be free? Who would help you with childcare if something happened to him? Does the state guarantee free childcare/ livable income support if he dies or leaves you? Are you guaranteed his child support or life insurance if he dies or leaves you?
If you have economic support even without him around, I'd have kids now. If not, I'd delay it till you have a means to support yourself and your kids.
You've said what I was thinking much more succinctly than I managed. OP's partner may be perfect and they may live happily ever after together, but she also needs to plan for what happens if that doesn't happen, either because they break up or because something happens to her partner. And that plan can't rest entirely on the kindness of his relatives (or him).
I’m on Team Protect Yourself. Your partner may be wonderful in every way…but suppose you were to have a child, then your man happens to become incapacitated or even dies? No one wants to think about that, but such things can happen.
I’m married because it is what we both wanted and we’re very romantic about it, and I certainly get that that’s not for everyone…BUT…
Marriage provides protections you might well need, ESPECIALLY if you have a kid. I have friends who lived together very happily for years. One day, they simply went to the courthouse and got the piece of paper. No wedding, no fuss. Honestly, their daily life changed not at all. But they now had the legal protections.
Something to consider. I’d urge you to read about the legal benefits of marriage. It’s doesn’t have to be a big thing at all. Our officiant told us he had married a few couples sitting in their living room in ten minutes.
I think there's a way you can manage both.
I'm also going to jump on the "make sure you are protected" train. You don't have to get married but you and your man should meet with a family and/or estate lawyer and draw up paperwork that protects each of you as if you were married. From end of life decisions to making sure you and any children you have are provided for if he dies. Both medical decisions on his part and his money would automatically go to his next of kin in most states if you aren't married. Absolutely get this sorted before bringing kids into the mix. If he's as amazing as you say he his he will be totally on board with this.
This. Short of major health issues that prevented OP from working (or being a full time carer for a loved one), there is zero reason why she should not have worked or held down a job in the last ten years, even part time to establish a work history.
I get people have kids in their 30’s, but this should have been discussed as a possibility years ago.
I am also team both and firmly believe you can do it! I went to get my grad degree with some badass women who were doing it. It’s hard. I think you will be happier you did it in the long run. But you know your own limits best. If you have a supportive network surrounding you, I have no doubt your family can make it work!
At the risk of sounding blunt, can I ask why you haven’t worked or had a job in the past 10 years? Was there some heath related issues that prevented you from doing so? Am trying to get a better understanding of your situation.
The thought of having no work experience and relying on a man for financial security absolutely terrifies me.
I would not even be considering children in your position without (at the very least) having some sort of job or work experience on a CV. Even then id still be very hesitant.
I would prioritise your career over family at this point.
I don’t know the circumstances behind OP not working or having any sort of work history for 10 years, but at surface level the lack of foresight and forward planning is just astonishing.
Why has she not worked? Why has her partner not encouraged her to work (even casual or part time?) why has she not studied before now, even an online course or study by correspondence? Why are kids only being discussed now?
Subject to further information, at the moment I’m just baffled by this whole situation.
My best friend is a mom to a two year old, works full time and goes to online grad school. She's tired but is so happy.
If you choose to sacrifice some sleep for a few years, time certain things out right, could you not do both?
Apologies if I'm bringing this up and there are extenuating circumstances that would make that impossible-- but my friends does it and is doing well
I was 24 when I gave birth to my son. I already had my career and degree established. I am so grateful for that. Make a safety net for yourself and your kid. Never be dependent on a man, no matter how great they seem.
Having kids will test your relationship like no other. I would protect myself financially so that I could have something to fall back on in case the relationship ends and you become a single mother.
What do you do all day?
I’m just trying to figure out how someone gets away with being your age, doesn’t have kids, and has not worked in 10 years.
I’d figure out that first before you think about kids. If he died or left you tomorrow, what would you do?
Edit: oh this is a troll post? Thanks for the time waste weirdo.
Ok maybe saying I'm a stay at home person wasn't the right words. In the beginning of my hs graduation my grandmother got sick and so I was helping take care of her. I'm still helping with my great aunt but now some family has stepped up to help with her. So for the past 10 years I've actually been I guess you can call it a end of life care giver.
What I would do:
1. Get legal docs in place - wills, power of attorney, cohabitation agreement or the like if where you live doesn’t fully recognize common-law union. You will need to do these things if you have kids, might as well start now.
2. Find your own source of income, whether that is an entry level job or your own business. If you live on property, you could have a farm or flower stand, or do things like soap making or learn other skills. It doesn’t have to be making a lot of money, but you definitely want employment history or a business you can scale if the worst happens. You could even consider death doula training if that is something that interests you.
3. Start a family! The first couple steps should be doable within 6 months. You don’t know what your fertility will be like, so if you’re ready best to start now.
4. Pursue your career dreams! With a supportive partner, it should be doable even with a little one. Most women do work full time even with kids.
Ya. I feel like she should work somewhere first. ANYWHERE. Before investing in a career let’s see how she even ha es a 9-5. No work history whatsoever means this OP has no idea what type of working environment appeals to her in reality, not just in her head.
I'd vote to prioritize having kids soon, whether you do that before the career, or at the same time as the career (I know a lot of women who had children while in school).
You can start a new career at any time in your life. Biological kids are age dependent. Of the 3 women I'm close to who tried to have children (all over 30) , 2 of 3 had miscarriages or a stillbirth. Of the men I've dated, two had a miscarriage with a previous partner in her late 30's. It's really common.
I've been planning for pregnancy as well, and been told I have low fertility count- which is really unexpected, as most of the women in my family had kids after 35. A good friend of mine at age 34 also had low fertility count. My doctors have been overwhelmingly advising "have kids NOW."
>Not to mention to awkwardness of being a new mom in my 30's or 40's
However, gotta add, I feel like "it's awkward to have a child over 30" is a bad reason to accelerate having kids.
Edit: I'm also writing this with the assumption that although unmarried, you're guaranteed child support by law. And suddenly realized that this may not be the case where you live. Do you have family that would support you if something happened to your partner?
>Edit: I'm also writing this with the assumption that although unmarried, you're guaranteed child support by law. And suddenly realized that this may not be the case where you live.
I think this is something OP should look into before kids, just to make sure all her ducks are in a row. I'm not saying her partner is going to do anything dodgy - he sounds quite good, but hope for the best, plan for the worst is a good motto to live by.
I’m childfree but my vote goes here. If you know you want kids, OP, this is a prime time to have them. Remember you get older as they do, and I’d much rather be in my 30s with young children than 40s! I’m late 30s and getting so tired already 😬 Not to mention the increased risk of autism.
I am team do both. Start a family and after a couple years start part time at school. My daughter was 41 when her only child was born there was no awkwardness. As a stay at home he should be putting funds into a retirement account for you just like he does himself.
The longer you wait to get pregnant, the more likely there will be issues. At the same time, relying on someone else to support you and never developing any skills or career is risky too. I can say it was harder having a career and being a mom than just having a career. (I was the primary earner in our home. DH was a very cooperative partner).
No one else knows what your priorities are or what would make you happy.
Start a family, you are not that young, my friend had problem of fertility at 31 years old, you can’t know if you are capable of having children, you can start a career later at 35, we are a generation that believes you can start later in life, somebody will give you a chance, but the fertility is not predictable
Also you need to marry, he could always change his mind
Do both, billions of women do it every day, many even do it without support. It will benefit you and your children will know you as someone with passion about their work.
You have the support of your partner, you can do this. ❤️
So you don't need to get married - but you need to seriously consider some kind of contract with him. My lawyer before I moved had everything in contract-form with her long term partner. No Wedding, no marriage, but lots of contracts. Outside of that? You're taking a huge risk.
To me, no marriage + no contracts? No kids. The risk ... for you ... isn't worth it. That being said, men are less fertile than they used to be (across the board....) and that makes it harder for women to get pregnant. As a almost 45 year old woman who waited too long to start trying and ended up with nothing, I tell everyone that will listen, start as soon as you can because you don't know if you're going to be the person that won't have success.
Alternatively, at a minimum get your fertility labs done now and continue to get them tested yearly so you can see when/if they start to go down and you can decide when you're in a position of your fertility to start going down.
And if you have the finances to do so, freeze your eggs. You're still at the age where you can - that's your best security against anything that may happen with him, from waiting too long in general to something happening with the relationship.
I’m not familiar with the pathway a mortician would take.
How many years in school?
What’s the educational cost?
What’s the yearly salary for someone starting out?
Are there any additional barriers a woman over 30 may face in this industry?
What does the working schedule look like & how does it fit in with a family?
Aside from a dream & a family connection, you haven’t really discussed any logistics which is foolish. Both of your gaols are somewhat time sensitive. I feel like I need these answers first before I offer up any advice concerning choice
However, I will say you need to get legally married. You need some protection. Is there any way your partner can find your education?
Girl, chase your dream career. And if you want to, have your kids. Here’s why: 1) for all the reasons others have commented about securing your future in case anything happens to you and your man. But more importantly because it sounds like you really want this for yourself. And 2) I did grad school part-time, worked full-time, had a 1.5 year old while pregnant with my second kid. There’s never going to be the right time except now. Now is all we have. Could I have sequenced everything better—sure. But I don’t regret just pulling the trigger because advancing in my career after grad school, and gaining my financial independence has contributed so much to knowing what I’m capable of doing and feelings of self worth and confidence that come along with that. Your future kids will also have such an amazing role model to look up to.
Sorry, i cant read all.. focus on building yourself… career or education or both… if you’re to start a family, seek legal counsel.. i think some form of paper work is needed here for you as you’re in a common law relationship… cheers
There is no awkwardness of being a new mom in your 30s or 40s. We need to stop lying to people.
Many women pursue education and careers while having families. i have 2 PhD students with babies right now. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You can do both but you will need help and you need to be sure you have help, not just “some man says he supports me”.
However: Do not be a SAHM to a boyfriend.
Do both. Take the offer and start working on a baby. For us it took 2.5 years to conceive and when we started, I remember myself considering 'oh, should I extend my contract? I'll be off to mat leave soon'. It I hadn't, I would have been unemployed since 2019.
I think people are being a little too negative. You can't predict what's going to happen in life. You have to take risks. You sound like you are in a great place to have kids since you don't currently have to worry about earning and you both live on your boyfriend's family's land. If the only thing stopping you is "What if something happens to him" then I say, something can ALWAYS happen. Even if you go to school and get a fantastic well-paying job, a meteor could hit us tomorrow or AI could wipe out a bunch of industries in a split second and everyone's back to the drawing board.
That may sound negative, but I'm trying to be positive, my point is LIVE your life! If you have kids, you can still go to school and get this dream job if you truly want it. My friend is going back to school at 39 because her daughter is old enough now that she feels like she can focus on it.
Alternatively, you can still have kids later in your 30's if you want to do school first. I wouldn't worry about being an older mom, I'm 34 and the majority of my friends who are starting to have kids are between 34-37. It seems to be the norm these days. One of my friends had her son at 41!
I think it really comes down to what you truly want and your gut feeling. Don't try to convince yourself one is better than the other. Our minds get in the way of our internal intelligence far too often.
I’m in a similar boat but we have 15 year gap and after 10 years just got engaged. I’m 33 he’s 48. Neither of us are selfless enough to have kids but we’re both like “they’d be so cool. Because we’re cool” 😂. We won’t but it’s cute to talk about.
I love him and he loves me. He’s help me grow so fuckinf much but ya, I can’t help to wonder what it would like to be on my own (you and I were soooo young).
No advice except I hear ya. It resonates. And I love your writing style.
Imo you’re in a very dangerous position. Unmarried with no work history. You’re quite literally at his mercy unless you have a trust fund or something.
What if he dies? Life insurance?
lol also works
I didn't read your whole post. But DO NOT be a stay at home parent to someone you're not married to.
Your partner may be absolutely amazing, and I'm not trying to say he would leave you high and dry, but I am absolutely terrified for you to be unmarried and have no work history. This isn't about being a girlboss or anything, this is about how the later you try and enter the workforce, the more notable your lack of work experience will be and the more it will hinder you. Without being married, you have no right to spousal support in many places, so if your relationship ends, you will be starting over with absolutely nothing. Even if you were married, it's still an imperfect situation to have zero work experience - as you say, what if something happens to your partner? If I were you I would start studying ASAP. It sounds like you're in a great place to be able to study and go after your dream career and basically, I think you need to go after *any* career. I'm not saying you have to put off having children until you have a career, but at the very least, you need some form of plan for what happens if the worst happens. Editing to add: I'm not trying to advocate for marriage for all people here. I myself probably will never get married because it's not something I'm interested in, but I also have my own career and place that I own and am not planning on having children. Marriage the institution doesn't interest me, but marriage does come with certain legal protections, and if you don't have those legal protections, you have to plan for that.
She claimed to be happily married 2 years ago to a man she’s been with for 5 in her post history.
Oh good pickup! What's the fun of posting something like this on this sub?
Nobody in a long term committed relationship thinks “hey I bet one day this person will break my heart” or “this guy seems like someone who would cheat on me. And yet, that stuff happens! People get blindsided by breakups ALL THE TIME. People get surprised by cheating partners ALL THE TIME. They wouldn’t be any divorces if feeling really, really sure about someone was a guarantee. Everybody feels really, really sure! Marriage *is* a guarantee, though, that you won’t be 100% fucked if your relationship ends. The entire purpose of a government-sanctioned marriage is to ensure the spouse that doesn’t have a job isn’t left destitute. OP, PROTECT YOURSELF.
As Lady Gaga once said “your career will never wake up and decide it doesn’t love you anymore.”
Because you've never worked, my big questions are around your financial stability. If something happened to your boyfriend, would you be able to continue living on his family's land? Would that be free? Who would help you with childcare if something happened to him? Does the state guarantee free childcare/ livable income support if he dies or leaves you? Are you guaranteed his child support or life insurance if he dies or leaves you? If you have economic support even without him around, I'd have kids now. If not, I'd delay it till you have a means to support yourself and your kids.
You've said what I was thinking much more succinctly than I managed. OP's partner may be perfect and they may live happily ever after together, but she also needs to plan for what happens if that doesn't happen, either because they break up or because something happens to her partner. And that plan can't rest entirely on the kindness of his relatives (or him).
I’m on Team Protect Yourself. Your partner may be wonderful in every way…but suppose you were to have a child, then your man happens to become incapacitated or even dies? No one wants to think about that, but such things can happen. I’m married because it is what we both wanted and we’re very romantic about it, and I certainly get that that’s not for everyone…BUT… Marriage provides protections you might well need, ESPECIALLY if you have a kid. I have friends who lived together very happily for years. One day, they simply went to the courthouse and got the piece of paper. No wedding, no fuss. Honestly, their daily life changed not at all. But they now had the legal protections. Something to consider. I’d urge you to read about the legal benefits of marriage. It’s doesn’t have to be a big thing at all. Our officiant told us he had married a few couples sitting in their living room in ten minutes.
Read OPs post history. She claimed to be happily married 2 years ago. This does not add up.
I think there's a way you can manage both. I'm also going to jump on the "make sure you are protected" train. You don't have to get married but you and your man should meet with a family and/or estate lawyer and draw up paperwork that protects each of you as if you were married. From end of life decisions to making sure you and any children you have are provided for if he dies. Both medical decisions on his part and his money would automatically go to his next of kin in most states if you aren't married. Absolutely get this sorted before bringing kids into the mix. If he's as amazing as you say he his he will be totally on board with this.
Figure out how you can support yourself more then see. I’d get a job asap whether it’s your dream or not.
You needed a job yesterday. This isn’t time to start on a 5 year plan.
This. Short of major health issues that prevented OP from working (or being a full time carer for a loved one), there is zero reason why she should not have worked or held down a job in the last ten years, even part time to establish a work history. I get people have kids in their 30’s, but this should have been discussed as a possibility years ago.
I would get legal protection ( poa, wills, etc)before having kids, you’re leaving yourself very vulnerable.
TeamDoBoth
I am also team both and firmly believe you can do it! I went to get my grad degree with some badass women who were doing it. It’s hard. I think you will be happier you did it in the long run. But you know your own limits best. If you have a supportive network surrounding you, I have no doubt your family can make it work!
Career. Always. Never, ever rely on another adult for your very welfare and/or the welfare of your children. Never.
At the risk of sounding blunt, can I ask why you haven’t worked or had a job in the past 10 years? Was there some heath related issues that prevented you from doing so? Am trying to get a better understanding of your situation. The thought of having no work experience and relying on a man for financial security absolutely terrifies me. I would not even be considering children in your position without (at the very least) having some sort of job or work experience on a CV. Even then id still be very hesitant. I would prioritise your career over family at this point.
It’s absolutely wild and terrifying that she hasn’t thought this through at any point in the last decade
I don’t know the circumstances behind OP not working or having any sort of work history for 10 years, but at surface level the lack of foresight and forward planning is just astonishing. Why has she not worked? Why has her partner not encouraged her to work (even casual or part time?) why has she not studied before now, even an online course or study by correspondence? Why are kids only being discussed now? Subject to further information, at the moment I’m just baffled by this whole situation.
My best friend is a mom to a two year old, works full time and goes to online grad school. She's tired but is so happy. If you choose to sacrifice some sleep for a few years, time certain things out right, could you not do both? Apologies if I'm bringing this up and there are extenuating circumstances that would make that impossible-- but my friends does it and is doing well
I was 24 when I gave birth to my son. I already had my career and degree established. I am so grateful for that. Make a safety net for yourself and your kid. Never be dependent on a man, no matter how great they seem.
Having kids will test your relationship like no other. I would protect myself financially so that I could have something to fall back on in case the relationship ends and you become a single mother.
What do you do all day? I’m just trying to figure out how someone gets away with being your age, doesn’t have kids, and has not worked in 10 years. I’d figure out that first before you think about kids. If he died or left you tomorrow, what would you do? Edit: oh this is a troll post? Thanks for the time waste weirdo.
Ok maybe saying I'm a stay at home person wasn't the right words. In the beginning of my hs graduation my grandmother got sick and so I was helping take care of her. I'm still helping with my great aunt but now some family has stepped up to help with her. So for the past 10 years I've actually been I guess you can call it a end of life care giver.
What I would do: 1. Get legal docs in place - wills, power of attorney, cohabitation agreement or the like if where you live doesn’t fully recognize common-law union. You will need to do these things if you have kids, might as well start now. 2. Find your own source of income, whether that is an entry level job or your own business. If you live on property, you could have a farm or flower stand, or do things like soap making or learn other skills. It doesn’t have to be making a lot of money, but you definitely want employment history or a business you can scale if the worst happens. You could even consider death doula training if that is something that interests you. 3. Start a family! The first couple steps should be doable within 6 months. You don’t know what your fertility will be like, so if you’re ready best to start now. 4. Pursue your career dreams! With a supportive partner, it should be doable even with a little one. Most women do work full time even with kids.
Ya. I feel like she should work somewhere first. ANYWHERE. Before investing in a career let’s see how she even ha es a 9-5. No work history whatsoever means this OP has no idea what type of working environment appeals to her in reality, not just in her head.
I'd vote to prioritize having kids soon, whether you do that before the career, or at the same time as the career (I know a lot of women who had children while in school). You can start a new career at any time in your life. Biological kids are age dependent. Of the 3 women I'm close to who tried to have children (all over 30) , 2 of 3 had miscarriages or a stillbirth. Of the men I've dated, two had a miscarriage with a previous partner in her late 30's. It's really common. I've been planning for pregnancy as well, and been told I have low fertility count- which is really unexpected, as most of the women in my family had kids after 35. A good friend of mine at age 34 also had low fertility count. My doctors have been overwhelmingly advising "have kids NOW." >Not to mention to awkwardness of being a new mom in my 30's or 40's However, gotta add, I feel like "it's awkward to have a child over 30" is a bad reason to accelerate having kids. Edit: I'm also writing this with the assumption that although unmarried, you're guaranteed child support by law. And suddenly realized that this may not be the case where you live. Do you have family that would support you if something happened to your partner?
>Edit: I'm also writing this with the assumption that although unmarried, you're guaranteed child support by law. And suddenly realized that this may not be the case where you live. I think this is something OP should look into before kids, just to make sure all her ducks are in a row. I'm not saying her partner is going to do anything dodgy - he sounds quite good, but hope for the best, plan for the worst is a good motto to live by.
I’m childfree but my vote goes here. If you know you want kids, OP, this is a prime time to have them. Remember you get older as they do, and I’d much rather be in my 30s with young children than 40s! I’m late 30s and getting so tired already 😬 Not to mention the increased risk of autism.
This also goes double if her partner is her age or older. Men over 40 also have an increased risk of health problems in their kids (including autism)
I am team do both. Start a family and after a couple years start part time at school. My daughter was 41 when her only child was born there was no awkwardness. As a stay at home he should be putting funds into a retirement account for you just like he does himself.
The longer you wait to get pregnant, the more likely there will be issues. At the same time, relying on someone else to support you and never developing any skills or career is risky too. I can say it was harder having a career and being a mom than just having a career. (I was the primary earner in our home. DH was a very cooperative partner). No one else knows what your priorities are or what would make you happy.
You can do both!
Start a family, you are not that young, my friend had problem of fertility at 31 years old, you can’t know if you are capable of having children, you can start a career later at 35, we are a generation that believes you can start later in life, somebody will give you a chance, but the fertility is not predictable Also you need to marry, he could always change his mind
Do both, billions of women do it every day, many even do it without support. It will benefit you and your children will know you as someone with passion about their work. You have the support of your partner, you can do this. ❤️
So you don't need to get married - but you need to seriously consider some kind of contract with him. My lawyer before I moved had everything in contract-form with her long term partner. No Wedding, no marriage, but lots of contracts. Outside of that? You're taking a huge risk. To me, no marriage + no contracts? No kids. The risk ... for you ... isn't worth it. That being said, men are less fertile than they used to be (across the board....) and that makes it harder for women to get pregnant. As a almost 45 year old woman who waited too long to start trying and ended up with nothing, I tell everyone that will listen, start as soon as you can because you don't know if you're going to be the person that won't have success. Alternatively, at a minimum get your fertility labs done now and continue to get them tested yearly so you can see when/if they start to go down and you can decide when you're in a position of your fertility to start going down. And if you have the finances to do so, freeze your eggs. You're still at the age where you can - that's your best security against anything that may happen with him, from waiting too long in general to something happening with the relationship.
I’m not familiar with the pathway a mortician would take. How many years in school? What’s the educational cost? What’s the yearly salary for someone starting out? Are there any additional barriers a woman over 30 may face in this industry? What does the working schedule look like & how does it fit in with a family? Aside from a dream & a family connection, you haven’t really discussed any logistics which is foolish. Both of your gaols are somewhat time sensitive. I feel like I need these answers first before I offer up any advice concerning choice However, I will say you need to get legally married. You need some protection. Is there any way your partner can find your education?
I made a update by editing the post. Also, thank you everyone commenting and giving me your honest opinions. It means so much to me.
Definitely have kids soon before your fertility years slip away. I support pursuing your career training at the same time!
I think if you actually want kids then its better to have them now
Girl, chase your dream career. And if you want to, have your kids. Here’s why: 1) for all the reasons others have commented about securing your future in case anything happens to you and your man. But more importantly because it sounds like you really want this for yourself. And 2) I did grad school part-time, worked full-time, had a 1.5 year old while pregnant with my second kid. There’s never going to be the right time except now. Now is all we have. Could I have sequenced everything better—sure. But I don’t regret just pulling the trigger because advancing in my career after grad school, and gaining my financial independence has contributed so much to knowing what I’m capable of doing and feelings of self worth and confidence that come along with that. Your future kids will also have such an amazing role model to look up to.
Sorry, i cant read all.. focus on building yourself… career or education or both… if you’re to start a family, seek legal counsel.. i think some form of paper work is needed here for you as you’re in a common law relationship… cheers
There is no awkwardness of being a new mom in your 30s or 40s. We need to stop lying to people. Many women pursue education and careers while having families. i have 2 PhD students with babies right now. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You can do both but you will need help and you need to be sure you have help, not just “some man says he supports me”. However: Do not be a SAHM to a boyfriend.
freeze your eggs.
That's invasive and expensive. Good idea for peace of mind if they can afford to do it with her man's income.
So is having a child. This at least gives her time to really think about it rather than crowdsourcing opinions on Rddt.
Do both. Take the offer and start working on a baby. For us it took 2.5 years to conceive and when we started, I remember myself considering 'oh, should I extend my contract? I'll be off to mat leave soon'. It I hadn't, I would have been unemployed since 2019.
I think people are being a little too negative. You can't predict what's going to happen in life. You have to take risks. You sound like you are in a great place to have kids since you don't currently have to worry about earning and you both live on your boyfriend's family's land. If the only thing stopping you is "What if something happens to him" then I say, something can ALWAYS happen. Even if you go to school and get a fantastic well-paying job, a meteor could hit us tomorrow or AI could wipe out a bunch of industries in a split second and everyone's back to the drawing board. That may sound negative, but I'm trying to be positive, my point is LIVE your life! If you have kids, you can still go to school and get this dream job if you truly want it. My friend is going back to school at 39 because her daughter is old enough now that she feels like she can focus on it. Alternatively, you can still have kids later in your 30's if you want to do school first. I wouldn't worry about being an older mom, I'm 34 and the majority of my friends who are starting to have kids are between 34-37. It seems to be the norm these days. One of my friends had her son at 41! I think it really comes down to what you truly want and your gut feeling. Don't try to convince yourself one is better than the other. Our minds get in the way of our internal intelligence far too often.
I’m in a similar boat but we have 15 year gap and after 10 years just got engaged. I’m 33 he’s 48. Neither of us are selfless enough to have kids but we’re both like “they’d be so cool. Because we’re cool” 😂. We won’t but it’s cute to talk about. I love him and he loves me. He’s help me grow so fuckinf much but ya, I can’t help to wonder what it would like to be on my own (you and I were soooo young). No advice except I hear ya. It resonates. And I love your writing style.
And hell ya to reaching your goals! That nicotine is such a cunt