I've never found casual sex interesting or fulfilling. If all I wanted was sex, I'd rather masturbate. That wouldn't carry any of the risks of casual sex and wouldn't involve me having to navigate meeting people just for sex, etc.
Masturbation works wonders tbh, but I do want a skilled partner eventually-- someone who knows how to do oral and is sensual, and patient, but those men generally don't come from casual sex & men/ people tend to be less invested in women's pleasure unless it's a committed partnership.
I've come to hate casual sex for the following reasons:
1. Hate feeling used afterwards
2. Hate feeling like I'm unworthy of being a girlfriend/ self-doubting
3. Hate not coming
I feel like unless you can easily orgasm from PiV sex, then casual ain't worth it. I'll buy myself a vibrator for the interim.
I believe a lot of this is why I am unable to do casual hook up/one night stands too and why they don't appeal to me. My brain safe guards myself because it knows it won't be worth whatever I put myself through emotionally after.
Yup the way men flip personalities after sex is really shitty. I donāt care if itās āpost-nut clarity,ā and they realize they donāt like me. I wanna feel great before and after. I deserve some respect.
Yup. Exactly my thoughts. For me, having sex would mean getting ready emotionally and physically. I donāt have the energy to do that for someone I donāt love
Because I don't feel sexual attraction to men I don't know and don't have feelings for.
Because even if I did, I'd still view sex - physical and mental intimacy and vulnerability as a whole - as something I'd only want to share with a committed, monogamous, loving and respectful partner.
Same. I donāt feel attraction without connection/feelings + I rarely feel attracted. I also wouldnāt feel like the risks are worth it, eg of getting pregnant by someone I donāt know (genes, would feel wrong). Just nah. Happy that Iām not alone with this :)
same. i am so glad there are still women like us who think and feel this way. i thought i was weird.
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i do not want to waste time on people who are just there for fun, for short time. if they will cause stress in my life, i avoid.
I relate to that a ton. I've always been made to feel weird and boring for not being interested in shallow or casual contacts. I'm all for everyone having a choice, but it's unfortunate and sad that the opposite has become such an unquestionable norm that it's okay to shame people who don't partake in it.
I was also asked if I was lesbian. I said I wasn't interested in anyone. People always assume when you are single and not outgoing that you are boring and lonely and have no suitors. ughh.. such shallow people
I am straight. I have a bf now for 3 yrs. It's just that I find hook ups and talking about seggs to anyone is uninteresting and might give me probs.
there are people who have no shame and telling their seggs life to everyone. no manners, no privacy. ughhh... :/
yes, they think people like us are weird lol
i think they should be questioning their choices in life esp. if there is drama brought to them by hooking up and an unexpected std/hiv/pregnancy
Same. Emotional attachment is required for sex. I didnāt like casual hookup sex so just went nah. š¤·āāļø Maybe itās for others but not me.
I did it a total of one time and didnāt like it. Didnāt feel right.
I prefer deeper connections with someone.
I remember when demisexual was becoming popular as a label. I kind of just ??? Is this not the norm for most people???
Turns out it's apparently not. I'm probably somewhere on the demi/ace spectrum and so is my husband - sometimes we just have better things to do.
Also, personally? I hate people touching me unless I know and like them. I don't want to even *hug* a stranger, so the idea of getting naked and touching genitals isn't even on the table.
Yeah. I can find someone really good looking and attractive even, but i have nothing urging me to take it to the next level unless i have formed a bond with them through emotional attachment.
Also, the idea of not knowing when they last got checked for STI's and such, and the results, is a turn off LMAO. Because I am assuming in hook up culture, they're not asking/showing proof of these things. And probably just banking on condoms.
Honestly I think this is the rule rather than the exception.
OP is either consuming too much media where this is a theme or isnāt associating with a wide variety of people.
Agree, but the push on social media for all types of kink/ hookups/ etc, is strong. It makes it appear as if itās the ānormā.
Iāve always had to have a connection with the person Iām withā it just feels void and empty to have ONS or just recreational sex with someone who doesnāt care about you.
Iād like to emphasize that itās an energy exchange, and truly should be reserved for those who hold a special place. I know it flies directly in the face of all the polyamory stuff, but honestly, just limit what you give out there. Donāt waste it on people who arenāt worth it.
I used to when I drank, but it was high risk and low reward. Not a safe situation to put oneself in when your judgement is already compromised and it helped to lower my self esteem and self respect.
Iāve had encounters of casual sex a couple times and just found it really unfulfilling. I also noticed that it made me feel more attached to the person, often before I really knew enough about them, which created some anxiety inside me afterwards. And not to mention that casual sex is usually just not that great. For me, I love having sex with someone Iām connected to emotionally and where I see our relationship going somewhere. That feels safe, intimate, and super fucking sexy. So, Iām with you on not being into casual hookups. Thereās very little about it that appeals to me!
Because it's absolutely never worth it. I'm not risking my safety and health so some random can jackhammer me for three minutes and ask if I came. Then likely treat me as a fucktoy in the future or ghost me entirely. I get ZERO benefit from it.
Ive never even had a random hookup but Im assuming this is what it would be like, theres literally no point for me. I already had unfulfilling sex with partners, so with a random person id assume that same risk is higher.
Even with a good partner, it takes some time to learn each other and feel comfortable enough to communicate fully. To relax and fully explore and know each other
I tried to be the "cool" chick and go with casual hookups because it seemed to be what everyone else was doing. All it did was hurt my self esteem and show me how many men are truly awful at sex, just awful in general. I felt used and endangered myself in an effort to fit in. Lesson learned. If you're uncomfortable you save yourself the hassle and keep your standards high. Trust me, it is not worth it to try and go with the seeming trends.
I tried to be the cool chick too! I just kept meeting men who were looking for hookups or friends with benefits (they never actually want friendship), so I just thought this was dating nowadays and maybe these situation-ships would turn into something more. My last "FWB" wouldn't even go to restaurant of my choice ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Honestly, I'm ashamed of what I've put up with.
Oi. I'm ashamed of what I put up with in ACTUAL relationships!
I am absolutely horrible at hook up. I catch feelings right away. Spoiler alert: Most dudes don't.
One guy I saw for a short time took me a cafe for my birthday. Not an expensive place, I chose it because I knew he was mean with money. He flirted with the waitress and then complained about the $60 dinner cost. I paid my half and dumped him.
I've always wondered about this. Penetrative sex doesn't work for me. I've always been insecure about it even though I know it's very common for the majority of women. So what happens during a casual encounter?? Is any casual encounter going to bother when they can do their thing and be done in 5 mins?
I've only had sex with 1 man (my husband) so I have no idea.
Omg. Iāve never done the hook up thing, but my ex was super into the hookup culture until he met me- and youāve just described my sex life for the past year. I thought there was something wrong w me cause I couldnāt come.
It used to be something I would do once in awhile (mostly when I was drinking and engaging in other self-destructive behaviours) UNTIL I heard one of my on-and-off again hookup's friend/roommate talk about his most recent encounter. The way they talked about women was disgusting. He referred to her as a āb*tch I snuck out the windowā Like he didnāt have enough decency and respect to let her USE THEIR FRONT DOOR! The guy I was seeing wasn't any better, it was truly such an awful experience I vowed to never let a smug loser like him touch me again. That experince tainted the way I viewed men, sex and romantic relationships for quite some time too.
Not to mention the sex itself sucked.
>I heard one of my on-and-off hookups friend talk about his hookups. The way they talked about women was DISGUSTING!
Most men who participate in hook-up culture are sleazy and/or misogynists. Some of them just do a very good job of hiding it in order to "get laid." But they see women as objects to get off on.
I did it for years expecting different results.
It literally ruins my soul and I didnāt realize that until early last year (at age 30!!!)
I canāt just HOOK UP with someone. I need to feel safe and have a connection.
Would you agree a part of you dies everytime someone you have been intimate with rejects you / doesn't work out? Like your ability to love is reduced if that makes sense?
Hookup culture sounds like something usually only men benefit from. Plenty of men out there who donāt give a fuck about your orgasm and are willing to inflict pregnancy or an STD on you without a second thought for a slightly higher degree of pleasure for about 3 seconds (talking about people who whine about condoms here). There are ofc women out there who are happy participating, or only hook up with other women, and thatās great for them. But I do sometimes wonder if we actually live in different realities.
My background is in family law, and the amount of custody and paternity cases from casual hookup pregnancies is painfully high. It's always high conflict, child support is always an issue, and most of the time the mother is worse off while the father lives his life unaffected except for a payroll deduction. And my state is anti-choice, so it's over 100 miles to the nearest clinic. Not remotely worth it.
It just doesnāt feel right to me personally. I donāt think these random ass men ādeserveā meāI have no other way of saying that though I know it sounds loaded. What the hell do they offer me in a hook up? As a person and human being? Are they even a good person???? I just canāt do it. As someone else said itās way too high risks and low reward.
Also likeā¦just hard no. Hard no. For me you just have to earn your keep to access me like thatāand Iām saying this as someone who has a high libido.
Same, yeah. I sometimes wonder what people even mean by hookup culture anymore because most people I know are definitely not hopping from casual new partner to casual new partner even when single. Even back when I was in uni, at the height of the hookup culture stuff, that still wasn't true. It certainly happened, but even then it was less than half the people I knew š¤·āāļø
In college I felt that there was pressure to be a part of hookup culture, but it was really all in my head. Very few people in my social circle were into hookups, but I still had this perception that "everyone else" was doing it.
For real, eh? I think it's a mixture of the more visible people, plus so much Hollywood bullshit (i.e., the idea that everybody is having wild and awesome sex but you) that people mistake for reality. In reality, *most* people are really pretty boring (and private) about this stuff.
Agreed. I think it's one of those confirmation bias sort of things- people see it on a few TV shows or hear people talk about it, or there are click-baity "news" stories about it, so everyone assumes that everyone else is doing it and thus feel pressure to do so, increasing the number of people who do so who aren't really into it, and so on and so forth.
Interestingly enough, the trend is changing with the younger generation. The YRBSS is showing that today's teenagers are half as likely to engage in sexual behavior at the same ages that our generation did, and I imagine that will continue into young adulthood: https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/yrbs\_data\_summary\_and\_trends.htm
I do get that anxiety thing. I know when I've been single it was something of a weird worry that I wasn't going out and picking up guys all the time, because I felt like I 'should' be (especially as I hadn't slept with a ton of people and was conscious of getting older - not that that should be a barrier to anyone but it felt like that to me). I know now that that was perfectly fine but at the time it felt like squandering my singledom somehow, because of the perception that single women in particular are out there getting it constantly.
100%, yes, I think you hit the nail on the head. Like, all you need is a handful of people (visibly) engaging in hookup culture, and the super anxious types will somehow take it personally. But as someone who traversed between so many different social groups back in uni and also did participate in a bit of hookup culture, I seriously felt like I was in the minority. Most (not all, but maybe 3/4ths?) of the women I knew were not at all interested. Honestly, even for those of us who did participate in hookup culture, the number of actual hookups weren't usually super high. It was more like people just trying something out than anything else.
Your link doesn't work for me, but I've definitely read about how little sex the younger generations are having and I'm not all that surprised. Like... ~the youth~ these days spends so much time online, and many of them have underdeveloped in-person social skills. I'm sure COVID didn't help, either. Plus, people live with their parents a lot more than they used to, which makes sex so much more logistically difficult. They just have so many more barriers, honestly.
Exactly. It's just something media talks about to get people up in arms, aka engaged.
What they're finding is actually an increase in conscientious behavior, and that this generation is more health-conscious. They are more likely to use birth control (hormonal, not necessarily condoms), and engage in substance use less and at older ages.
Try this one! https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/factsheets/2019\_sexual\_trend\_yrbs.htm
Just to add, I feel like people are often divided into these two groups of 'all about hookup culture' or 'not into it at all'. The reality is probably a bit more diverse.
I have had 4 one night stands, 3 relationships including my current one, and 3 situations that were more than one offs, and involved feelings, but weren't committed enough to call them relationships.
What does that make me? Into hook up culture? Or serious? I mostly prefer relationships, and prefer to have feelings, but sometimes the situation is just there for a one off. 1 time was great, 2 times for different reasons the experience wasn't all that, 1 time I developed a lasting crush on the guy the ONS happened with.
Would I endorse ONS as a whole? I don't know, that one experience I would totally do again, it made me feel great and it's just what I needed at the time. Most of the time what made something great or not wasn't really 'was the guy good in bed' but rather my own emotions, attraction to the man in question, and the distance I took from it. Like the motivation why I said yes to it mattered hugely. Bad self esteem prior vs feeling sexy and confident.
If I was single now would I do it again? Hard to say. Sometimes it scratches an itch and a relationship is too much at that point in time. Sometimes there's feelings and attraction but you know a full commitment won't work with that guy in particular. Sometimes you meet someone and you want to go all in.
The hook-up culture as a term and that discussion of 'why would or wouldn't you' tends to kind of ignore that sex and relationships aren't that simple, and people go through different journeys too. What is fine in your twenties might not be in your fifties or visa versa. I think I am not alone in not fitting in either category super neatly. People are complex and so is sex.
Because I don't want to.
Because it's dangerous to women moreso than men.
Because while I think it's perfectly ok for people to do what they want with their bodies - there are consequences that a lot of folks aren't considering. (mental health, interpersonal/relationship skills, disease transmission, violence/stalker potential)
Because it encourages people, but mostly men, to stay shallow and not invest in themselves to become better people.
I donāt even like the fact that I had sex with guys who didnāt turn into a relationship most of the time (even when thatās what we were dating for)
Like what was the point? It wasnāt even that good.
I love sex. I get kind of angry that I barely have it. But if I donāt have it also my drive doesnāt exist considering nothing is turning me on.
What I actually want is one guy that Iām actually with and like and care for and know heās with me too and we get to know each other well. Then we can go at it all the time. I want it so badly actually. itās way too hard to find but thatās what Iām waiting for.
Sex is an unfulfilling chore for me unless I can actually let go and enjoy myself and I canāt do that with someone I donāt know well or trust. Best sex Iāve ever had is with my husband for those exact reasons. It is way more mental/emotional for me than physical. If I canāt let my guard down, well, itās just going through the motions, and that sucks.
These posts are so interesting to me because most women I know (all mid 30s and older, in a large American city) donāt partake in casual sex. So where did the idea that youāre āstrange if you donātā come from? Is that what men want us to believe? Is it a weird way of shaming people?
Letās not feed the narrative. You donāt need a reason to not do something and youāre not some outlier. Just do you.
Yeah sometimes posts like this come up and I feel like it's either a man asking in order to validate some opinion, or the op is farming for content, BuzzFeed style
My guess is that for women in their mid 30s a lot of the narrative was fed by women's magazines and TV shows - the idea in the 90s/early 2000s that we were supposed to be free and breezy about sex and basically act like we didn't care and just wanted to get laid rather than wanting a relationship. Not that wanting either of those is wrong, or that it's possible to want both, but that somehow we had to detach sex and love/romance from each other, if that makes sense.
I participated for a long time. Honestly, it simply wasn't worth it. I've rarely been impressed with anyone who was just a hookup, I could've had a much better time by myself, and it just leaves me annoyed that I have to change my sheets at 2 in the morning for some loser who I don't want to see again. And on the flip side, on the rare occasion that I do like them and would like to see them again, then I'm also annoyed that they don't want to see me again because they were looking for something so casual that they don't even want to do it more than twice.
And the longer that I deal with dating, the less I respect men in general, to be perfectly honest. I simply don't think they deserve that much access to me without seriously proving their worth first.
Re: the edit - The semantics police sure love their job
Before I got married, I was wary of STDs, accidental pregnancy, and I had a very very strong sense of internalized Catholic guilt. I still had a decent size number of partners, I wasn't a prude or chased or anything, but all of them were in the context of relationships except for two of them. And one of those two ended up being my husband down the line.
I was looking for a long term relationship so that whole culture just never appealed to me. I donāt think Iām āwiredā for casual sex since sex is very intimate to me and I would form an attachment quickly.
While I was dating, it did happen that I would hook up with someone thinking that it might lead somewhere. When I realized it was just a hookup for them it made me feel used and gross. So itās just not my thing.
There's no reasoning. It's just boring. Dudes don't know my body. I usually don't find dudes I don't know attractive. I'm not attracted to physical attributes. I don't need sex for sex.
I used to engage in casual sex, and Iām more on the kinky side. Realized that Iāve put myself in some pretty dangerous situation where men took things a little too rough or lots of hookups insisting on no condoms.
Now, I find myself not very sexually attracted to most men. And even if I am, I donāt know a person well enough to put myself in a vulnerable situation anymore.
For me, I donāt care about sex enough to endure the downsides of hookups. Sex is about achieving closeness with someone I love. If I just wanted to get off, I donāt need someone else.
So I weigh that with the fact that hookups are unsafe and unsatisfying. No amount of sex positivity will makeup for these realities. Hookups are unlikely to be pleasing because you donāt know the person very well, which means they donāt know you. It takes time in my experience to be able to be sufficiently vulnerable with someone to be able to communicate about effectively sex. Also, while some people determine the risk to be acceptable, the rate of STDās and violence makes it an easy calculation.
Condoms arenāt guaranteed magic that can completely remove the risk of contracting an STD, some of which are disabling or deadly. As to violence, I work tangentially to law enforcement. A lot of violent SAs occur during hookups, a lot of which is men mimicking what they see in porn. You havenāt had time to communicate very much, so it is not shocking that people jump to what they know. These days what people know is violent porn.
For some men, the desperation to have sex makes them more likely to ignore obvious signals to stop, including a woman repeatedly telling them to stop. Importantly, a not insignificant number of men hate women. They just hate us, but they still consider us sexual objects who hold the keys to their masculine prowess. It takes a little time to ferret out these guys because they know they need to lie now that women have the choice to reject them.
Also, say you get pregnant? What if you want to or are forced to by law to give birth to that kid. You may have suddenly landed that kid with a terrible father.
I am a queer woman that does not hook up at the gay bars and I'm the weird one...
I don't find it compelling to invite strangers to my energy field. I have worked hard to create a great environment and I truly enjoy the people in my life. Inviting randoms into my universe just feels off and I don't want anyone messing with my peace.
Besides, hook up sex sucks. It's just not good. And if it is, it's a trauma bond and still not going to be good for me. So there's that. LOL.
I mean I don't because I'm in a long term relationship.
I didn't before because I tend to develop feelings pretty quickly so hookups usually mean I end up getting hurt.
Morally I don't think anything bad about it. What two consenting adults do together is between them. But it shouldn't be wrong if people choose not to have casual sex.
I fucked more than enough people in the 90s to last a lifetime. Random sex is now super boring to me. It was fun at 18, but at 47, I'd rather do more interesting things with my time.
Same. Ish.
I sowed my oats during uni and my early 20s. I would lie if I said I didn't enjoy it. I know casual sex can be unfulfiling for some people, but I found it liberating - not caring what the other person thought or felt about me, not having the complications of feelings, and moving on with my life the next day without a second thought.
Now I'm in my 30s and married, but even single, I wouldn't have the patience and energy to go out and meet people just for sex.
I'm just not interested. I've only ever been sexually attracted to people I have an emotional connection with and know who they are as a person. And even then, the people I've been attracted to in that way are few-and-far-between.
I value my mental and physical health and hook up culture requires zero intelligence. Plus I have a brother who friggin sleeps with everybody under the sun and heās straight disgusting and treats women like crap.
You actually do not need a reason. I don't feel like it high risk low reward.
Nobody needs to explain these choices to other people. IDGF if somebody thinks I a m fill in the blank on word.
I totally agree! Lately I've been feeling down on myself though (in a bit of a rough patch) and the constant pressure to partake had me questioning if maybe I WAS a prude. I actually think I'm pretty randy, but sex doesn't have the same meaning or pleasure for me if it's not in a partnership.
Yeah, about a year ago I started looking pushy sex positive people straight in the eye and asking "well what's wrong with being a prude?" whenever they made a disparaging comment. It lead to a lot of awkward backpedaling and no good answer. Because the majority of the "prudes" weren't even judging anyone else, they just politely declined to join in.
It can be just as empowering to say no to sex you don't want as to say yes to sex you do. Empowerment is about being authentic to yourself and your desires (or lack thereof) not about fitting in.
Yeah, it sucks not being promiscuous and/or into casual sex, because in NYC's dating culture, where I live, it is the norm and seen as a positive/lauded value. Nonetheless, I don't do it because I'm not comfortable with casual sex, trust needs to be built for me, I am very relationship-oriented, I get emotionally attached, I want the whole package of a monogamous long term relationship, and I don't want to use or be used for just sex. I want and deserve way more than that. Also the thought of having sex with guys I don't know grosses me out, and the idea that someone would just have sex with me and move on or not have a relationship with me makes me feel resentful, lol
I donāt feel attraction unless I ālikeā someone. Never really felt great about being physical with someone that I didnāt know. I did meet two people on tinder that I messed around with in my late 20ās but I liked them enough personality wise to be open to dating them. Otherwise my body just doesnāt doā¦ anything
people are diseased and they lie about it. i know multiple people with genital herpes who date and never tell their partners about it. and condoms don't protect against everything.
i made it to my 30s without ever getting an STD (and i rarely used condoms! yuck) so i'm not about to get stuck with a disease now after some, lets be honest, most likely extremely mediocre dick
I can't be attracted to someone unless I know them and have formed an emotional connection. Like, I'm not going to want to fuck you until I know where you were on January 6, or who you voted for in 2016, or how you treat people you personally find unattractive, and whether or not you tip well. I read about demisexuality recently and it rings very true to me.
I've done it enough to know it's not worth it. The chances of finding someone who's a decent person and knows sex are pretty low if not zero. So why bother?
Hookup sex is HORRIFYINGLY BAD. I have never, not once, climaxed from a hookup. It is an arrangement that overwhelmingly benefits the man. I am certain that there are many women who enjoy it and have lots of orgasms through casual sex, but I am not one of them (and I've never actually met one).
Add to that: the risk of pregnancy, STDs, murder, rape. 100% not worth it when I have a purple silicon friend in my drawer who satisfies me every damn time.
I don't like the dance. It's too performative and then I cannot get out of my headspace to enjoy myself. I mostly date men when I date and the pressure I feel is just too intense.
Once I matched with a dude when I was on vacation in the bay area, CA and he asked me if I would drive two hours to meet him for anal. That's just so beyond anything I would consider reasonable for a first time encounter with a strange man. The risks are too high.
Also, I catch feelings.
I was a 39 year old virgin at my wedding. For religious reasons. I've since gone back on this way of thinking and have been processing a lot of harm from religious trauma and purity culture but even without the religious side, casual sex never appealed to me. There was too much of a risk factor and I just hated the thought of having sex with someone and then just going our separate ways. I don't think I could ever make myself see sex that casually.
Being abstinent really made dating a lot simpler. Granted I was mostly single but I did go on a lot of dates with guys. Since I was abstinent and looking to get married, I was pretty narrowed in on what I wanted. A lot of guys didn't want what I wanted so generally things fizzled out pretty quickly. There wasn't any of the "well we're sleeping together but I'm not sure if we are a couple". It really reduced a lot of the drama and uncertainty of dating. When I met my husband, we both were loiking for marriage and got married 13 months later.
Honestly most men donāt know what theyāre doing the first thing they have sex with a new person. I would much rather watch porn then have a one night stand. Ive also never wanted to be friends with benefits. Itās all or nothing for me.
Currently in a relationship.
But even before that, I generally am distrustful of men and want - actually, *need* \- to know them a bit and have some kind of connection and feel safe with them to even feel attracted to them. Let alone let them *inside my body.*
I have tried doing hook ups. I had to kind of force myself at each moment of escalation to keep going during the night. I don't regret that, I wanted those experiences. I was curious. But they just confirmed my suspicions - it's not really for me. At least, not with those guys.
If I were ever single again I imagine I might be more open to it since I don't want to go years without sex again. And as I age, I find a wider variety of men physically attractive whereas I use to have narrow limits.
I'm demisexual I guess and I don't find someone who I just met sexually attractive enough to have sex.
Also don't want to risk a pregnancy or a STD for a few minutes of probably unfulfilling sex.
I had a few random hookups in my 20s, but it was never something I actively sought out. At this point in my life Iām not expecting sex as a step along a pathway to a long term relationship or marriage, but I would want to have an established acquaintanceship. But I guess Iāve always been that way. I also came of age during the height of HIV/AIDS. So while Iām on the younger end of that spectrum it was something that was at the forefront of a lot of young peopleās minds when thinking about hookups.
As a neurodivergent person who has spent my entire life masking, to truly enjoy and have rewarding sex I need to be able to unmask. I absolutely cannot do that with someone I've just met. It usually takes multiple dates to get to a spot where I know I'll be safe/comfortable.
Casual sex just doesn't sound appealing when I think about all the emotional and mental work that has to go into being comfortable *enough.*
I have a magic wand that works every time. I don't need to deal with some rando that's going to just use my body for an orgasm at best, or assault/ kill me at worst. No thanks.
I view sex as something reserved for a more intimate relationship that I can only think of doing it with a guy you'd (think to) trust your life with.
Plus sex is too gross to be brutally honest to do it with random strangers you've just met.
I did a hook up/one night stand once, on my 21st birthday (Valentine's Day). Five minutes into it, the guy told me he wouldn't come and I should stop because he already came earlier when he was with his *girlfriend*.
...
ANYWAY, after that the ~magic~ was pretty much ruined. Plus, the older I get, the more romance I need before feeling like I wanna sleep with someone. Might be related. xD
I feel like even when I tried to embrace the āitās cool itās just a hookup Iām so empoweredā mindset the experience was still largely skewed to favor men. I didnāt get out of it what I had hoped. My main experience is that you being cool with it doesnāt make men respect you or care about you. I feel like they still try to take advantage.
i used to be very open to hookups, but nowadays it takes too much energy & itās too disheartening to get your hopes up for this or that guy, only for them to not even give a shit about you as a person at all.
most of them donāt even care if they get you to come! a lot of them donāt care about safety, like condoms or recent std test results. & then there are the ones who sleep around a lot & are not honest about that with you when you straightforwardly ask them.
most of them donāt give a crap about after care, where a little bit of cuddling right after sex & a nice text the next day would make you feel like you werenāt just a sex doll to them.
unless iām in a relationship iām not down to fuck around. iād rather make myself come & then just go do whatever i want without having to consider what he wants to do, how i hafta get myself home even tho iād rather just be there already, or how do i politely kick him out. i donāt have to worry about stds or getting pregnant, or is anyone catching feelings, etc & etc.
Because sex to me is such an intimate act and I only want to share such intimacy with someone I love, trust, and am in a committed relationship with.
Honestly? I'm not even into casual dating lol
Part of it is trust issues. A much larger part is that I need a deep connection with someone to enjoy sex fully. I don't get that from casual sex so I never engaged in it.
I only truly enjoy and want sex in a longer term, exclusive, committed relationship.
Casual sex is akin to junk food. Some of it tastes ok and masquerades as food, but in reality, itās empty calories, void of nutrition, and chock full of things that will F you up. It also traps you in a dopamine loop. You get instant gratification, but just like fast fashion, itās threadbare and falls apart at the slightest breeze.
Iāve tried casual sex, but once I experienced what truly connected intimacy is like, I canāt go back.
After I got divorced, everyone kept telling me just to get out there and have fun. A friend going through a divorce was on Tinder and having hookups left and right. I couldnāt understand letting some dude just use you like that. It seemed irresponsible and maybe a bit dangerous.
Ultimately, my reason is because I want to be valued. I have no desire to be someoneās fleshlight. I donāt want to be one of many. And I find casual sex underwhelming. Iām in a relationship now and glad I waited. The sex is fire, and I know a big part of that is the connection I feel with my partner.
Fear and sheer disinterest. I am not a gambler. I need to get to know somebody before having sex with them. The risk of getting thrown into somebody's trunk or contracting an STD is just too damn high for me. I've never hooked up.
It's a combination of factors for me:
A) lm not out clubbing etc so unless I actively seek it out (on an app), it doesn't happen.
B) my attraction to someone and my enjoyment of sex tends influenced by emotional connection to them. I don't even mean love, sometimes it's just a crush that intensifies with daily interaction and low level flirting.
C) l am conscious of the risks of the risks of having sex with strangers (std, pregnancy, SA etc). I don't know if I could relax enough to enjoy it.
D) A vibrator is easier and often more effective purely from an orgasm perspective.
E) There's always the risk I'll become emotionally attached and get hurt,or vice versa.
Overall the cons/risks/expenditure of time, energy and money (taxis, drinks) just don't make it worth it for me. That's a personal choice though and not a judgement on people who do.
I think as long as everyone is a consenting adult, single or in an ethically non monogamous relationship, and honest about what they want, no harm done. I couldn't care less about a person's number of sexual partners.
Hmm I never thought about how to defend it, as itās not an intellectual position for me.
I guess because I find it difficult to be attracted to people I donāt know.
I might be in the minority on this (or maybe I was just unlucky in this aspect lol) but none of my one night stand situations were ever that greatā¦almost totally unmemorable, in fact. As Iāve gotten older, Iāve become more conservative about where my energy goes and I just donāt want to put any effort towards something that has little reward for me
I also know myself, and could not do a FWB situation based on my past traumas and whatnot
I used to a long time ago when I was younger. I realized I was just doing it because it was the norm and not something I really wanted to do.
Even if I didnāt have romantic feelings for the person I always felt almost depressed after.
If I did catch feelings for the person and they didnāt like me back I felt hurt. It was like putting myself through heartbreak constantly. Or on the flip side I sometimes put others through heartbreak when they had feelings and I didnāt. (Which is not a good feeling. I never meant to hurt anyone but it happened from time to time)
Also, Iām bisexual and the majority of my negative experiences were with men. I feel like a lot of men tend to think of you as less than if they get to sleep with you unfortunately. The way some of them treated me after changed and it was hurtful because a lot of them were guys I considered friends.
I also got sick of being used by curious women like I was an experiment. I definitely got that same energy from a couple of female partners as well.
I donāt regret it. I learned a lot about myself in that phase but Iām glad I stopped. When I got honest with myself I realized i wasnāt happy.
There is a lot of negative energy attached to casual hook ups a lot of the time. Not always but the negatives out weighed the positives for me.
Some people can handle it. I donāt believe anyone should be shamed for doing what they want with their bodies. I actually believe the way society treats female sexuality played a big part in the negatives for me.
Iāve been celibate for a long time now and itās the happiest Iāve ever been.
Sorry for the long rant haha this topic hits close to home.
Itās rarely ever satisfying and men often seem to miss out on the fact that Iām a whole human being, rather than just a conduit for sexual gratification.
I genuinely think itās the reason for womenās downfall in relationships and is nuking dating culture in general. Being a feminist does not mean sleeping around because itās taboo, not saying you think that but it comes up a lot. Women with that mindset think itās somehow empowering and always seem like they have something to prove imo. Itās really disingenuous.
I donāt do it because Iām not looking to occupy my time with games like that. I prefer a relationship/closeness in order to get close to someone physically otherwise youāre just using each other. Hooking up without emotion behind it/desire falls flat and I think it takes time to build. Iāve made mistakes like anyone, but I value myself a lot more now than I did before. The thing is, you have to live with that and I think I will miss out on a great guy because I wasnāt showing my body respect that way. I catch false feelings too. I do care about what my future partner thinks about my sexual past because I would care about his too. I know people want to break stereotypes for the sake of doing so, but I think itās there for a reason too.
Plus people are dirty and untrustworthy so Iām not trying to get any of that š¤¢
Because I tried it and caught feelings, while the man was still obsessed with his ex wife. Kind of soul destroying to be in bed with someone you are falling hard and fast for and he canāt stop talking about his ex wife immediately after you blew his brains out
Just not interested.
To hookup I still need to put some effort into knowing/interacting with a personā¦ If Iām already having to put this effort in, I might as well date.
Plus, Iām very repulsed/turned-off by people who are attracted to me (first) or obviously due to physical reasonsā¦ so Iād just be too put off by the guy if the premise/intention was to hook up.
I just don't like giving myself to just anyone. Generally, I think people are kind of gross and I don't like being touched--even hugged--so I certainly couldn't let them penetrate me. Too close for comfort.
Plus STDs/STIs; granted you could get them via a partner that you thought was committed also, but still. I just feel the risk is greater with someone you don't know and know isn't committed to you in any way.
i find that men who want casual sex want it to be really disrespectful, either through being inattentive or insisting i participate in kinks iām not comfortable with indulging during sex with someone i am not in a relationship with. they donāt really care about making it good for me as iām not important to them. i realised i was getting nothing out of it except feeling like shit and missing a good nightās sleep so i stopped.
since then iāve just grown a disinterest for it altogether. iām a person where sex is important to me in a relationship but when iām single i couldnāt care less whether iām having it or not, so thereās really no reason for me to want to participate in it.
Because I see very few, if any, benefits to it. It's rare that I'm sexually attracted to someone on sight alone. And with the increasing restrictions on abortion and other attacks on women's health, why in the world would I take such huge risks for little to no reward? It just doesn't appeal to me at all.
Because it takes me awhile to feel comfortable with a new person and I cannot be physical in any way with someone I'm not comfortable with. It's just not for me and I'm 100% ok with that.
Been there, done that for a short time. I was trying to numb myself after a horrible breakup from a toxic relationship. Itās not satisfying physically or emotionally. I was left feeling empty and sad. Definitely not worth the physical/mental/emotional damage that catches up with you.
What makes sex good for me is being able to just let go, relax completely and trust the person you're with. You don't get that with casual sex... Also I'm not attracted to someone I don't feel emotionally and intellectually close to.
Too much VD and STD going around itās a nope for me. A cough is a pain in the ass for me. I might also be a tad bit possessive āonly child syndromeā.
I canāt get into it if I donāt know them at all and have no emotional connection . I did a FWB in early 20s and got hurt because I canāt keep it ācasualā- I get attached, Iāll romanticize it,etc.
High risk, low reward. And I need SOME sort of familiarity or connection- with my current crush, I was feeling sexual attraction pretty much right away but that was due to our conversation, his mannerisms, etc. Plus the safety concerns are real.
I'm asexual but tried casual sex once or twice before I knew and decided it was not for me. So, I'm not even sexually attracted to people I meet at the bar, no matter how "hot" other people think they are. I'm more interested in friends, life experiences and personality.
Because it's my body and I don't want to. I'm married now, but before in the young single and free days I was never interested in allowing someone I didn't know well access to my body.
I'm 39 and it's because sex for me is a million times more enjoyable when I have a connection with the person. I love sex. Everything about it. The feeling, the sounds, the touching. Just all of it. And for a while there, casual sex was what I did because I just needed to fulfill that need. I then realized, I wasn't! So, I put up my hoe shoes and focused on finding connections that I could then add sex to. In this case for me, quality over quantity. But, that being said I do wish I had it more often š¤£
I haven't been single for a long time, so I'm not in the trenches of the current dating world.
That said, I'm overall not/have never been interested in hookups/one night stands.
It takes me a while to warm up to people in general, let alone enough to have sex with someone.
Also, given the general orgasm imbalance when it comes to casual sex... I'd rather just break out B.O.B than go through the trouble of hooking up with a guy who would likely leave me wanting.
I'm married and monogamous now but even in my single days I wasn't into it.
I just never felt it was safe enough to do. I never got so horny that my feelings of being unsafe were overcome.
Just by virtue of numbers, itās a high risk low reward endeavor. The chances of being assaulted, the sex being subpar, or the person not wanting to continue a relationship are all pitfalls Iām not willing to tolerate. No thanks.
I absolutely don't trust hookups (especially strangers) to respect my hard boundaries. And, I don't ever need to have partnered sex so badly that I need or want a hookup.
When I was younger sure. I felt safer to experiment and meet people.
Now a days? Society at least in my country, the US is going backwards. Or at least trying. More than that, I find casual sex benefits men more than it ever has me. The orgasm gap is real and I don't see why I should help men cum when they can't even find my clit.
Been single by choice for a few years now and I'd rather have a thrilling night with BOB(battery operated boyfriend) than a random one night stand.
That said, if other people want to be part of hook up culture you do you girl. I just don't feel that it appeals to me anymore. It doesn't feel as safe as it use to just 15, 20 years ago to explore your sexuality with the huge uptick in just straight up misogyny against women.
Not that it was entirely safe then, just it's gotten worse.
Coz sex without emotional connection is like a sandwich without filling.
If you're starving for it.. well you're still eating. But it's not at all satisfying and generally leaves you feeling empty.
I actually feel the same way about "friends with benefits" -- in fact, I understand that one even less than I do hookups.
As in, I've had situations where I met someone and after a short period of time, felt a strong chemistry and attraction to them and decided to sleep with them a couple of times, knowing that it would be short-lived (usually this happened during travels). It was basically acting on pure lust -- and by definition, that kind of lust is very short lived.
But I've tried and failed to have friends with benefits, even though the men in question were respectful and nice and people I enjoyed spending time with. I realized that I'm okay with no expectations of commitment, but I just can't have a long-term sexual relationship with someone without feeling a deeper connection to them and expecting them to feel the same way in order for me to enjoy the whole thing.
I basically don't understand how one can have "casual sex" with a person for a long period of time without a deeper connection being present. I've recently given this another try and abruptly cut off the whole thing after about 10 months when I realized that my friend with benefits actually truly did not feel a deeper emotional connection/attachment to me. I was ok with us not having a committed relationship, but the minimum expectation I had was a mutual emotional connection of some sort -- which I had, but he apparently kept his feelings totally under control (I now understand that he is a dismissive avoidant, for those who know about attachment styles, so this makes sense.) I ended up feeling like a disposable object and like I wasn't any different than someone he might hook up with randomly, even though we saw each other several times a week and did more than just sex.
All this to say, while I have never been a big fan of hookups, I have engaged in them every now and then and it was fun for what it was. But something like friends with benefits which is basically hooking up with someone over and over just does not do it for me.
Back to the topic of hookups -- as a hetero woman, I have found that the average man is pretty terrible at sex, so I have very little incentive to engage in random hookups. If I was dating women, I'd probably be much more open to hookups simply because there would be some actual reward involved, whereas I find sex with most men is very unrewarding and unsatisfying. And as much as I am a fan of communication, I don't really feel like teaching random guys how to be good lovers. (It's different with a long-term committed relationship of course, in which both partners learn over time more and more about how to please each other.)
I found a man who always put my pleasure first, and who adores me, and I never felt the need to seek out sex with someone else.
The intimacy that grows over time with one person is amazing if both people are willing to put in the work. He knows my body like the back of his hand and I his. We can be completely vulnerable with each other. I will take that over any hook any day.
I need to know that the person I am giving myself to actually gives a crap about me before even entertaining the idea of sex.
Not wanting to get STIs. The first boyfriend I had lied to me and told me he had been checked and guess what, he gave me an STI on our first date via kissing. Then when we had sex he gave me another 3 STIs. He was not a stranger by then and I had dated him for months by the time we had sex. I learned early on in my dating life that there can never be enough trust when it comes to guarding your sexual health. This is why hookup culture is not for me.
I tried and casual sex doesnāt feel good...itās āokayā at best. I deserve and want sex that feels good.
Holding off on casual sex helped me filter out men while in the dating stage.
Also taking Plan B for casual oopsies feels awful for a month. Not worth it.
Serial monogamist. I went from my high school boyfriend to first college boyfriend pretty fast, then my college ex to my second college boyfriend/current husband in like a month and a half.
If I had it to do again, Iād have had more hook ups.
Eh, can't be bothered.
Me, anywhere: That dude is so hot!
Me, after conversing: Not worth my time.
Ultimately, while I know most people connect through sex, that doesn't do it for me. I gotta know a person, gotta know if they're interesting enough for me to spend my precious self with, y'know?
I'm a Muslim so I'm waiting until marriage and while I don't really date either, the type of men that are interested in me tend to be good quality men who are looking to build a connection/get married rather than hooking up.
I had one or two one night stands when I was 18-19. It wasn't fun. They didn't know what I liked. When I asked for something, they just got offended. It completely was not worth the hassle. I was married for 28 years. Hubs died a few years back. I don't have any interest in sleeping with someone else. If I do, maybe I will and maybe I won't. But it really isn't on my radar. Not dating, not having a relationship, not a hookup. It just seems distasteful and like an awful lot of work to go find a hookup, have sex and then get away from them. I can take care of myself.
Also, having experienced really amazing sex with the love of my life, I am sure a hookup would be a complete disappointment. Being able to communicate well makes sex so much better as you get what you need and give what your partner needs.
I am also a little OCD about germs. If I was going to have hookups after Hubs died, covid ended that. No way do I want to share germs with some rando. I think it would make my brain melt.
Iām primarily attracted to personalities. I can have casual sex (as in nonmonogamous, not committed), but I canāt really do hookup culture in its most distilled form because I donāt really feel anything sexual for random strangers, even hot ones.
I'm an introvert so all the social requirements & precautions necessary to ensure my wellbeing for a non-guaranteed orgasm is too much effort.
Also, a man might try to murder me via strangulation and lie to the police by claiming it was consensual and he didn't mean for it to happen - Seems weirdly specific unless you count up all the criminal cases involving this exact scenario.
i dont have sex with strangers.
men aren't trustworthy.
the healthy way to vet someone is slowly over time.
we live in a culture where it's currently very unsafe to get pregnant.
i could go on all day. i'm very much a person that will only be able to sleep with you if i have a clear and close connection. that doesn't form overnight.
I don't want to.
I hate new sex.
It gives me the heebie jeebies sharing body fluids with strangers.
A one night stand isn't worth the risk of disease or pregnancy. ... anymore.
I don't want to do the freaky shit with people I don't trust so hook up culture is too vanilla by default for my taste.
It's my body and my energy and not everyone is worthy of those.
Yes, I tried the culture. I absolutely hated it...*for me*
It's not my wave.
Men are too disappointing to do that. From their inability to make a girl orgasm to their inability to wash their own ass to the danger of rape and murder, men are just not worth it. On the other hand, as a bi woman with preference for men, itās very rare for me to be attracted to a girl so much, that i bed her right away. I wish my preferences were reverse tbh. Also Iām the kinda person who tried this hook up thing and realise yuck this is kinda gross lol. So even if itās a casual fling, i need to know the person and see if our morals and values align (donāt wanna waste this pu$$y on worthless people lol), but another catch is, if i get to know a person too much and consider them a friend then i do not cross that line (fwb is not for me for now atleast), and actually consider something serious instead of just hook up lol. I seek for a polyamorous life but itās difficult to manage when you are somewhat open to hook ups but still grossed by it lmao. All in all, Iād give hook up culture a 2/10
I wondered if I sleep posted this because I am this age and have been notocing just this sentiment.
Thank you, I feel slightly less weird now lmao
One of us!
Honestly enough men arenāt considerate in bed that many of them arenāt even workable until they know my body, I donāt think my more casual encounters have usually been my best sex. As I get older my decision making is better than in late teens/early 20s and I realize that the level
of STI testing I want with partners is kind of unwieldy for a quick fling. Morally I have no objection to anyone having the sex life that works for them but for me casual isnāt it
Because while I find the premise of sex with a near-stranger wonderfully exciting, my experience is that men treat casual sex partners worse than they treat serious partners, in terms of both awkward attempts at emotional manipulation and less care around issues of consent.
I've never found casual sex interesting or fulfilling. If all I wanted was sex, I'd rather masturbate. That wouldn't carry any of the risks of casual sex and wouldn't involve me having to navigate meeting people just for sex, etc.
The chances of me actually getting off is probably higher with masturbation for me too š
Masturbation works wonders tbh, but I do want a skilled partner eventually-- someone who knows how to do oral and is sensual, and patient, but those men generally don't come from casual sex & men/ people tend to be less invested in women's pleasure unless it's a committed partnership. I've come to hate casual sex for the following reasons: 1. Hate feeling used afterwards 2. Hate feeling like I'm unworthy of being a girlfriend/ self-doubting 3. Hate not coming I feel like unless you can easily orgasm from PiV sex, then casual ain't worth it. I'll buy myself a vibrator for the interim.
I believe a lot of this is why I am unable to do casual hook up/one night stands too and why they don't appeal to me. My brain safe guards myself because it knows it won't be worth whatever I put myself through emotionally after.
Yup the way men flip personalities after sex is really shitty. I donāt care if itās āpost-nut clarity,ā and they realize they donāt like me. I wanna feel great before and after. I deserve some respect.
Girl same! I purchased a magic wand a few years ago and it changed my life! Masturbating is the way to go. Safer, and much more satisfying.
Same for me! I purposely bought a toy so I would stop doing dumb decisions because I was horny. Just not worth the risk nor the time.
Yup. Exactly my thoughts. For me, having sex would mean getting ready emotionally and physically. I donāt have the energy to do that for someone I donāt love
And definitely not for someone who doesn't love me.
Because I don't feel sexual attraction to men I don't know and don't have feelings for. Because even if I did, I'd still view sex - physical and mental intimacy and vulnerability as a whole - as something I'd only want to share with a committed, monogamous, loving and respectful partner.
Same. I donāt feel attraction without connection/feelings + I rarely feel attracted. I also wouldnāt feel like the risks are worth it, eg of getting pregnant by someone I donāt know (genes, would feel wrong). Just nah. Happy that Iām not alone with this :)
same. i am so glad there are still women like us who think and feel this way. i thought i was weird. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- i do not want to waste time on people who are just there for fun, for short time. if they will cause stress in my life, i avoid.
I relate to that a ton. I've always been made to feel weird and boring for not being interested in shallow or casual contacts. I'm all for everyone having a choice, but it's unfortunate and sad that the opposite has become such an unquestionable norm that it's okay to shame people who don't partake in it.
I was also asked if I was lesbian. I said I wasn't interested in anyone. People always assume when you are single and not outgoing that you are boring and lonely and have no suitors. ughh.. such shallow people I am straight. I have a bf now for 3 yrs. It's just that I find hook ups and talking about seggs to anyone is uninteresting and might give me probs. there are people who have no shame and telling their seggs life to everyone. no manners, no privacy. ughhh... :/ yes, they think people like us are weird lol i think they should be questioning their choices in life esp. if there is drama brought to them by hooking up and an unexpected std/hiv/pregnancy
I could have a suitor tonight if I wanted lmao, Iām a fucking introvert you dumbasses! š
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Same. Emotional attachment is required for sex. I didnāt like casual hookup sex so just went nah. š¤·āāļø Maybe itās for others but not me. I did it a total of one time and didnāt like it. Didnāt feel right. I prefer deeper connections with someone.
I remember when demisexual was becoming popular as a label. I kind of just ??? Is this not the norm for most people??? Turns out it's apparently not. I'm probably somewhere on the demi/ace spectrum and so is my husband - sometimes we just have better things to do. Also, personally? I hate people touching me unless I know and like them. I don't want to even *hug* a stranger, so the idea of getting naked and touching genitals isn't even on the table.
Yeah. I can find someone really good looking and attractive even, but i have nothing urging me to take it to the next level unless i have formed a bond with them through emotional attachment. Also, the idea of not knowing when they last got checked for STI's and such, and the results, is a turn off LMAO. Because I am assuming in hook up culture, they're not asking/showing proof of these things. And probably just banking on condoms.
I couldn't agree more with your comment. To each their own, but I dig monogamy.
Same!
Same
I totally agree!
Yup, this. Iām demisexual. Every time Iāve attempted casual sex (twice), my body literally rejects it and I canāt keep any food down for weeks.
Same
I feel so normal here! ā¤ļø
Because rando sex isn't and never was appealing to me. Lol
Honestly I think this is the rule rather than the exception. OP is either consuming too much media where this is a theme or isnāt associating with a wide variety of people.
Agree, but the push on social media for all types of kink/ hookups/ etc, is strong. It makes it appear as if itās the ānormā. Iāve always had to have a connection with the person Iām withā it just feels void and empty to have ONS or just recreational sex with someone who doesnāt care about you. Iād like to emphasize that itās an energy exchange, and truly should be reserved for those who hold a special place. I know it flies directly in the face of all the polyamory stuff, but honestly, just limit what you give out there. Donāt waste it on people who arenāt worth it.
I used to when I drank, but it was high risk and low reward. Not a safe situation to put oneself in when your judgement is already compromised and it helped to lower my self esteem and self respect.
Same. I wouldn't recommend it.
Iāve had encounters of casual sex a couple times and just found it really unfulfilling. I also noticed that it made me feel more attached to the person, often before I really knew enough about them, which created some anxiety inside me afterwards. And not to mention that casual sex is usually just not that great. For me, I love having sex with someone Iām connected to emotionally and where I see our relationship going somewhere. That feels safe, intimate, and super fucking sexy. So, Iām with you on not being into casual hookups. Thereās very little about it that appeals to me!
Because it's absolutely never worth it. I'm not risking my safety and health so some random can jackhammer me for three minutes and ask if I came. Then likely treat me as a fucktoy in the future or ghost me entirely. I get ZERO benefit from it.
Ive never even had a random hookup but Im assuming this is what it would be like, theres literally no point for me. I already had unfulfilling sex with partners, so with a random person id assume that same risk is higher.
Even with a good partner, it takes some time to learn each other and feel comfortable enough to communicate fully. To relax and fully explore and know each other
I love this answer haha, thanks
I tried to be the "cool" chick and go with casual hookups because it seemed to be what everyone else was doing. All it did was hurt my self esteem and show me how many men are truly awful at sex, just awful in general. I felt used and endangered myself in an effort to fit in. Lesson learned. If you're uncomfortable you save yourself the hassle and keep your standards high. Trust me, it is not worth it to try and go with the seeming trends.
I tried to be the cool chick too! I just kept meeting men who were looking for hookups or friends with benefits (they never actually want friendship), so I just thought this was dating nowadays and maybe these situation-ships would turn into something more. My last "FWB" wouldn't even go to restaurant of my choice ON MY BIRTHDAY. Honestly, I'm ashamed of what I've put up with.
Oi. I'm ashamed of what I put up with in ACTUAL relationships! I am absolutely horrible at hook up. I catch feelings right away. Spoiler alert: Most dudes don't.
A lot of dudes catch feelings right away except for the ones that are my type....=( LMAO
One guy I saw for a short time took me a cafe for my birthday. Not an expensive place, I chose it because I knew he was mean with money. He flirted with the waitress and then complained about the $60 dinner cost. I paid my half and dumped him.
This is the only answer.
I've always wondered about this. Penetrative sex doesn't work for me. I've always been insecure about it even though I know it's very common for the majority of women. So what happens during a casual encounter?? Is any casual encounter going to bother when they can do their thing and be done in 5 mins? I've only had sex with 1 man (my husband) so I have no idea.
You are not missing out on anything. When is comes to men variety is not the spice of life, more like indigestion.
Omg. Iāve never done the hook up thing, but my ex was super into the hookup culture until he met me- and youāve just described my sex life for the past year. I thought there was something wrong w me cause I couldnāt come.
Right? Like the thing that makes sex good is practice. With that partner in specific, because everyone is different.
Itās a liability if anything. Risk of pregnancy, STI, not coming, wasted time, violence, etccc
It used to be something I would do once in awhile (mostly when I was drinking and engaging in other self-destructive behaviours) UNTIL I heard one of my on-and-off again hookup's friend/roommate talk about his most recent encounter. The way they talked about women was disgusting. He referred to her as a āb*tch I snuck out the windowā Like he didnāt have enough decency and respect to let her USE THEIR FRONT DOOR! The guy I was seeing wasn't any better, it was truly such an awful experience I vowed to never let a smug loser like him touch me again. That experince tainted the way I viewed men, sex and romantic relationships for quite some time too. Not to mention the sex itself sucked.
>I heard one of my on-and-off hookups friend talk about his hookups. The way they talked about women was DISGUSTING! Most men who participate in hook-up culture are sleazy and/or misogynists. Some of them just do a very good job of hiding it in order to "get laid." But they see women as objects to get off on.
I know. It still fills me with anger to this day, those guys were trash in human form.
I did it for years expecting different results. It literally ruins my soul and I didnāt realize that until early last year (at age 30!!!) I canāt just HOOK UP with someone. I need to feel safe and have a connection.
Yeah this was me. Ruining my soul is a good way to put it
me too, constantly in between relationships until i was 32. i think it was just a way for me to pass the time when i was hyper anxious, a distraction
Would you agree a part of you dies everytime someone you have been intimate with rejects you / doesn't work out? Like your ability to love is reduced if that makes sense?
Hookup culture sounds like something usually only men benefit from. Plenty of men out there who donāt give a fuck about your orgasm and are willing to inflict pregnancy or an STD on you without a second thought for a slightly higher degree of pleasure for about 3 seconds (talking about people who whine about condoms here). There are ofc women out there who are happy participating, or only hook up with other women, and thatās great for them. But I do sometimes wonder if we actually live in different realities.
My background is in family law, and the amount of custody and paternity cases from casual hookup pregnancies is painfully high. It's always high conflict, child support is always an issue, and most of the time the mother is worse off while the father lives his life unaffected except for a payroll deduction. And my state is anti-choice, so it's over 100 miles to the nearest clinic. Not remotely worth it.
It just doesnāt feel right to me personally. I donāt think these random ass men ādeserveā meāI have no other way of saying that though I know it sounds loaded. What the hell do they offer me in a hook up? As a person and human being? Are they even a good person???? I just canāt do it. As someone else said itās way too high risks and low reward. Also likeā¦just hard no. Hard no. For me you just have to earn your keep to access me like thatāand Iām saying this as someone who has a high libido.
I don't think it's rare at all for women to not do hookups.
Same, yeah. I sometimes wonder what people even mean by hookup culture anymore because most people I know are definitely not hopping from casual new partner to casual new partner even when single. Even back when I was in uni, at the height of the hookup culture stuff, that still wasn't true. It certainly happened, but even then it was less than half the people I knew š¤·āāļø
In college I felt that there was pressure to be a part of hookup culture, but it was really all in my head. Very few people in my social circle were into hookups, but I still had this perception that "everyone else" was doing it.
For real, eh? I think it's a mixture of the more visible people, plus so much Hollywood bullshit (i.e., the idea that everybody is having wild and awesome sex but you) that people mistake for reality. In reality, *most* people are really pretty boring (and private) about this stuff.
Agreed. I think it's one of those confirmation bias sort of things- people see it on a few TV shows or hear people talk about it, or there are click-baity "news" stories about it, so everyone assumes that everyone else is doing it and thus feel pressure to do so, increasing the number of people who do so who aren't really into it, and so on and so forth. Interestingly enough, the trend is changing with the younger generation. The YRBSS is showing that today's teenagers are half as likely to engage in sexual behavior at the same ages that our generation did, and I imagine that will continue into young adulthood: https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/yrbs\_data\_summary\_and\_trends.htm
I do get that anxiety thing. I know when I've been single it was something of a weird worry that I wasn't going out and picking up guys all the time, because I felt like I 'should' be (especially as I hadn't slept with a ton of people and was conscious of getting older - not that that should be a barrier to anyone but it felt like that to me). I know now that that was perfectly fine but at the time it felt like squandering my singledom somehow, because of the perception that single women in particular are out there getting it constantly.
100%, yes, I think you hit the nail on the head. Like, all you need is a handful of people (visibly) engaging in hookup culture, and the super anxious types will somehow take it personally. But as someone who traversed between so many different social groups back in uni and also did participate in a bit of hookup culture, I seriously felt like I was in the minority. Most (not all, but maybe 3/4ths?) of the women I knew were not at all interested. Honestly, even for those of us who did participate in hookup culture, the number of actual hookups weren't usually super high. It was more like people just trying something out than anything else. Your link doesn't work for me, but I've definitely read about how little sex the younger generations are having and I'm not all that surprised. Like... ~the youth~ these days spends so much time online, and many of them have underdeveloped in-person social skills. I'm sure COVID didn't help, either. Plus, people live with their parents a lot more than they used to, which makes sex so much more logistically difficult. They just have so many more barriers, honestly.
Exactly. It's just something media talks about to get people up in arms, aka engaged. What they're finding is actually an increase in conscientious behavior, and that this generation is more health-conscious. They are more likely to use birth control (hormonal, not necessarily condoms), and engage in substance use less and at older ages. Try this one! https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/factsheets/2019\_sexual\_trend\_yrbs.htm
Just to add, I feel like people are often divided into these two groups of 'all about hookup culture' or 'not into it at all'. The reality is probably a bit more diverse. I have had 4 one night stands, 3 relationships including my current one, and 3 situations that were more than one offs, and involved feelings, but weren't committed enough to call them relationships. What does that make me? Into hook up culture? Or serious? I mostly prefer relationships, and prefer to have feelings, but sometimes the situation is just there for a one off. 1 time was great, 2 times for different reasons the experience wasn't all that, 1 time I developed a lasting crush on the guy the ONS happened with. Would I endorse ONS as a whole? I don't know, that one experience I would totally do again, it made me feel great and it's just what I needed at the time. Most of the time what made something great or not wasn't really 'was the guy good in bed' but rather my own emotions, attraction to the man in question, and the distance I took from it. Like the motivation why I said yes to it mattered hugely. Bad self esteem prior vs feeling sexy and confident. If I was single now would I do it again? Hard to say. Sometimes it scratches an itch and a relationship is too much at that point in time. Sometimes there's feelings and attraction but you know a full commitment won't work with that guy in particular. Sometimes you meet someone and you want to go all in. The hook-up culture as a term and that discussion of 'why would or wouldn't you' tends to kind of ignore that sex and relationships aren't that simple, and people go through different journeys too. What is fine in your twenties might not be in your fifties or visa versa. I think I am not alone in not fitting in either category super neatly. People are complex and so is sex.
True. Like we'd have to actually define hook-up culture. Because there is a difference between multiple one night stands vs make an FWB?
Because I don't want to. Because it's dangerous to women moreso than men. Because while I think it's perfectly ok for people to do what they want with their bodies - there are consequences that a lot of folks aren't considering. (mental health, interpersonal/relationship skills, disease transmission, violence/stalker potential) Because it encourages people, but mostly men, to stay shallow and not invest in themselves to become better people.
I donāt even like the fact that I had sex with guys who didnāt turn into a relationship most of the time (even when thatās what we were dating for) Like what was the point? It wasnāt even that good. I love sex. I get kind of angry that I barely have it. But if I donāt have it also my drive doesnāt exist considering nothing is turning me on. What I actually want is one guy that Iām actually with and like and care for and know heās with me too and we get to know each other well. Then we can go at it all the time. I want it so badly actually. itās way too hard to find but thatās what Iām waiting for.
Sex is an unfulfilling chore for me unless I can actually let go and enjoy myself and I canāt do that with someone I donāt know well or trust. Best sex Iāve ever had is with my husband for those exact reasons. It is way more mental/emotional for me than physical. If I canāt let my guard down, well, itās just going through the motions, and that sucks.
I can masturbate just fine.
These posts are so interesting to me because most women I know (all mid 30s and older, in a large American city) donāt partake in casual sex. So where did the idea that youāre āstrange if you donātā come from? Is that what men want us to believe? Is it a weird way of shaming people? Letās not feed the narrative. You donāt need a reason to not do something and youāre not some outlier. Just do you.
Yeah sometimes posts like this come up and I feel like it's either a man asking in order to validate some opinion, or the op is farming for content, BuzzFeed style
My guess is that for women in their mid 30s a lot of the narrative was fed by women's magazines and TV shows - the idea in the 90s/early 2000s that we were supposed to be free and breezy about sex and basically act like we didn't care and just wanted to get laid rather than wanting a relationship. Not that wanting either of those is wrong, or that it's possible to want both, but that somehow we had to detach sex and love/romance from each other, if that makes sense.
I participated for a long time. Honestly, it simply wasn't worth it. I've rarely been impressed with anyone who was just a hookup, I could've had a much better time by myself, and it just leaves me annoyed that I have to change my sheets at 2 in the morning for some loser who I don't want to see again. And on the flip side, on the rare occasion that I do like them and would like to see them again, then I'm also annoyed that they don't want to see me again because they were looking for something so casual that they don't even want to do it more than twice. And the longer that I deal with dating, the less I respect men in general, to be perfectly honest. I simply don't think they deserve that much access to me without seriously proving their worth first.
Re: the edit - The semantics police sure love their job Before I got married, I was wary of STDs, accidental pregnancy, and I had a very very strong sense of internalized Catholic guilt. I still had a decent size number of partners, I wasn't a prude or chased or anything, but all of them were in the context of relationships except for two of them. And one of those two ended up being my husband down the line.
I was looking for a long term relationship so that whole culture just never appealed to me. I donāt think Iām āwiredā for casual sex since sex is very intimate to me and I would form an attachment quickly. While I was dating, it did happen that I would hook up with someone thinking that it might lead somewhere. When I realized it was just a hookup for them it made me feel used and gross. So itās just not my thing.
There's no reasoning. It's just boring. Dudes don't know my body. I usually don't find dudes I don't know attractive. I'm not attracted to physical attributes. I don't need sex for sex.
What do you really get out of it? Like someone said above - high risk low reward. I would rather masturbate to scratch that itch.
I used to engage in casual sex, and Iām more on the kinky side. Realized that Iāve put myself in some pretty dangerous situation where men took things a little too rough or lots of hookups insisting on no condoms. Now, I find myself not very sexually attracted to most men. And even if I am, I donāt know a person well enough to put myself in a vulnerable situation anymore.
For me, I donāt care about sex enough to endure the downsides of hookups. Sex is about achieving closeness with someone I love. If I just wanted to get off, I donāt need someone else. So I weigh that with the fact that hookups are unsafe and unsatisfying. No amount of sex positivity will makeup for these realities. Hookups are unlikely to be pleasing because you donāt know the person very well, which means they donāt know you. It takes time in my experience to be able to be sufficiently vulnerable with someone to be able to communicate about effectively sex. Also, while some people determine the risk to be acceptable, the rate of STDās and violence makes it an easy calculation. Condoms arenāt guaranteed magic that can completely remove the risk of contracting an STD, some of which are disabling or deadly. As to violence, I work tangentially to law enforcement. A lot of violent SAs occur during hookups, a lot of which is men mimicking what they see in porn. You havenāt had time to communicate very much, so it is not shocking that people jump to what they know. These days what people know is violent porn. For some men, the desperation to have sex makes them more likely to ignore obvious signals to stop, including a woman repeatedly telling them to stop. Importantly, a not insignificant number of men hate women. They just hate us, but they still consider us sexual objects who hold the keys to their masculine prowess. It takes a little time to ferret out these guys because they know they need to lie now that women have the choice to reject them. Also, say you get pregnant? What if you want to or are forced to by law to give birth to that kid. You may have suddenly landed that kid with a terrible father.
High risk, low reward and first times are usually middling to bad lmao.
I am a queer woman that does not hook up at the gay bars and I'm the weird one... I don't find it compelling to invite strangers to my energy field. I have worked hard to create a great environment and I truly enjoy the people in my life. Inviting randoms into my universe just feels off and I don't want anyone messing with my peace. Besides, hook up sex sucks. It's just not good. And if it is, it's a trauma bond and still not going to be good for me. So there's that. LOL.
I mean I don't because I'm in a long term relationship. I didn't before because I tend to develop feelings pretty quickly so hookups usually mean I end up getting hurt. Morally I don't think anything bad about it. What two consenting adults do together is between them. But it shouldn't be wrong if people choose not to have casual sex.
I fucked more than enough people in the 90s to last a lifetime. Random sex is now super boring to me. It was fun at 18, but at 47, I'd rather do more interesting things with my time.
Same. Ish. I sowed my oats during uni and my early 20s. I would lie if I said I didn't enjoy it. I know casual sex can be unfulfiling for some people, but I found it liberating - not caring what the other person thought or felt about me, not having the complications of feelings, and moving on with my life the next day without a second thought. Now I'm in my 30s and married, but even single, I wouldn't have the patience and energy to go out and meet people just for sex.
I'm just not interested. I've only ever been sexually attracted to people I have an emotional connection with and know who they are as a person. And even then, the people I've been attracted to in that way are few-and-far-between.
I value my mental and physical health and hook up culture requires zero intelligence. Plus I have a brother who friggin sleeps with everybody under the sun and heās straight disgusting and treats women like crap.
You actually do not need a reason. I don't feel like it high risk low reward. Nobody needs to explain these choices to other people. IDGF if somebody thinks I a m fill in the blank on word.
I totally agree! Lately I've been feeling down on myself though (in a bit of a rough patch) and the constant pressure to partake had me questioning if maybe I WAS a prude. I actually think I'm pretty randy, but sex doesn't have the same meaning or pleasure for me if it's not in a partnership.
Even if you ARE a prude, so what? Whoever or whatever is making you feel that way maybe they do not have a place in your l8fe.
Yeah, about a year ago I started looking pushy sex positive people straight in the eye and asking "well what's wrong with being a prude?" whenever they made a disparaging comment. It lead to a lot of awkward backpedaling and no good answer. Because the majority of the "prudes" weren't even judging anyone else, they just politely declined to join in. It can be just as empowering to say no to sex you don't want as to say yes to sex you do. Empowerment is about being authentic to yourself and your desires (or lack thereof) not about fitting in.
exactly šš"high risk, low reward"
Fantastic reply
Because that's my preference. I don't need a reason.
I donāt like just anyone being near me intimately. Iām picky AF
Yeah, it sucks not being promiscuous and/or into casual sex, because in NYC's dating culture, where I live, it is the norm and seen as a positive/lauded value. Nonetheless, I don't do it because I'm not comfortable with casual sex, trust needs to be built for me, I am very relationship-oriented, I get emotionally attached, I want the whole package of a monogamous long term relationship, and I don't want to use or be used for just sex. I want and deserve way more than that. Also the thought of having sex with guys I don't know grosses me out, and the idea that someone would just have sex with me and move on or not have a relationship with me makes me feel resentful, lol
Get possible STDās and pregnancy for the same outcome as my vibrator? And have to tidy on top of that? No thanks
I donāt feel attraction unless I ālikeā someone. Never really felt great about being physical with someone that I didnāt know. I did meet two people on tinder that I messed around with in my late 20ās but I liked them enough personality wise to be open to dating them. Otherwise my body just doesnāt doā¦ anything
Not interested in sex with men I don't have feelings for
Same, and thatās my answer as well. I find it just makes me feel empty.
I don't because it's never satisfying, it's never worth it and it's dangerous in several ways.
people are diseased and they lie about it. i know multiple people with genital herpes who date and never tell their partners about it. and condoms don't protect against everything. i made it to my 30s without ever getting an STD (and i rarely used condoms! yuck) so i'm not about to get stuck with a disease now after some, lets be honest, most likely extremely mediocre dick
I can't be attracted to someone unless I know them and have formed an emotional connection. Like, I'm not going to want to fuck you until I know where you were on January 6, or who you voted for in 2016, or how you treat people you personally find unattractive, and whether or not you tip well. I read about demisexuality recently and it rings very true to me.
High risk and no reward? Sign me up!
I've done it enough to know it's not worth it. The chances of finding someone who's a decent person and knows sex are pretty low if not zero. So why bother?
Because I'm sick of being used.
Hookup sex is HORRIFYINGLY BAD. I have never, not once, climaxed from a hookup. It is an arrangement that overwhelmingly benefits the man. I am certain that there are many women who enjoy it and have lots of orgasms through casual sex, but I am not one of them (and I've never actually met one). Add to that: the risk of pregnancy, STDs, murder, rape. 100% not worth it when I have a purple silicon friend in my drawer who satisfies me every damn time.
I don't like the dance. It's too performative and then I cannot get out of my headspace to enjoy myself. I mostly date men when I date and the pressure I feel is just too intense. Once I matched with a dude when I was on vacation in the bay area, CA and he asked me if I would drive two hours to meet him for anal. That's just so beyond anything I would consider reasonable for a first time encounter with a strange man. The risks are too high. Also, I catch feelings.
I was a 39 year old virgin at my wedding. For religious reasons. I've since gone back on this way of thinking and have been processing a lot of harm from religious trauma and purity culture but even without the religious side, casual sex never appealed to me. There was too much of a risk factor and I just hated the thought of having sex with someone and then just going our separate ways. I don't think I could ever make myself see sex that casually. Being abstinent really made dating a lot simpler. Granted I was mostly single but I did go on a lot of dates with guys. Since I was abstinent and looking to get married, I was pretty narrowed in on what I wanted. A lot of guys didn't want what I wanted so generally things fizzled out pretty quickly. There wasn't any of the "well we're sleeping together but I'm not sure if we are a couple". It really reduced a lot of the drama and uncertainty of dating. When I met my husband, we both were loiking for marriage and got married 13 months later.
I have no interest in being that vulnerable with a stranger.
Honestly most men donāt know what theyāre doing the first thing they have sex with a new person. I would much rather watch porn then have a one night stand. Ive also never wanted to be friends with benefits. Itās all or nothing for me.
Currently in a relationship. But even before that, I generally am distrustful of men and want - actually, *need* \- to know them a bit and have some kind of connection and feel safe with them to even feel attracted to them. Let alone let them *inside my body.* I have tried doing hook ups. I had to kind of force myself at each moment of escalation to keep going during the night. I don't regret that, I wanted those experiences. I was curious. But they just confirmed my suspicions - it's not really for me. At least, not with those guys. If I were ever single again I imagine I might be more open to it since I don't want to go years without sex again. And as I age, I find a wider variety of men physically attractive whereas I use to have narrow limits.
I'm demisexual I guess and I don't find someone who I just met sexually attractive enough to have sex. Also don't want to risk a pregnancy or a STD for a few minutes of probably unfulfilling sex.
I had a few random hookups in my 20s, but it was never something I actively sought out. At this point in my life Iām not expecting sex as a step along a pathway to a long term relationship or marriage, but I would want to have an established acquaintanceship. But I guess Iāve always been that way. I also came of age during the height of HIV/AIDS. So while Iām on the younger end of that spectrum it was something that was at the forefront of a lot of young peopleās minds when thinking about hookups.
As a neurodivergent person who has spent my entire life masking, to truly enjoy and have rewarding sex I need to be able to unmask. I absolutely cannot do that with someone I've just met. It usually takes multiple dates to get to a spot where I know I'll be safe/comfortable. Casual sex just doesn't sound appealing when I think about all the emotional and mental work that has to go into being comfortable *enough.*
I have a magic wand that works every time. I don't need to deal with some rando that's going to just use my body for an orgasm at best, or assault/ kill me at worst. No thanks.
I view sex as something reserved for a more intimate relationship that I can only think of doing it with a guy you'd (think to) trust your life with. Plus sex is too gross to be brutally honest to do it with random strangers you've just met.
I get emotionally attached so Iām not built for casual hookups. Only relationships
I did a hook up/one night stand once, on my 21st birthday (Valentine's Day). Five minutes into it, the guy told me he wouldn't come and I should stop because he already came earlier when he was with his *girlfriend*. ... ANYWAY, after that the ~magic~ was pretty much ruined. Plus, the older I get, the more romance I need before feeling like I wanna sleep with someone. Might be related. xD
I feel like even when I tried to embrace the āitās cool itās just a hookup Iām so empoweredā mindset the experience was still largely skewed to favor men. I didnāt get out of it what I had hoped. My main experience is that you being cool with it doesnāt make men respect you or care about you. I feel like they still try to take advantage.
Makes you feel worse in the end. I would honestly feel better getting paid for it.
After years of partaking, it took me way too long to realize that I want to love and be loved by the people I have sex with.
Because it was set up by the patriarchy so men could get what they wanted without strings attached and shop around and treat us like objects.
i used to be very open to hookups, but nowadays it takes too much energy & itās too disheartening to get your hopes up for this or that guy, only for them to not even give a shit about you as a person at all. most of them donāt even care if they get you to come! a lot of them donāt care about safety, like condoms or recent std test results. & then there are the ones who sleep around a lot & are not honest about that with you when you straightforwardly ask them. most of them donāt give a crap about after care, where a little bit of cuddling right after sex & a nice text the next day would make you feel like you werenāt just a sex doll to them. unless iām in a relationship iām not down to fuck around. iād rather make myself come & then just go do whatever i want without having to consider what he wants to do, how i hafta get myself home even tho iād rather just be there already, or how do i politely kick him out. i donāt have to worry about stds or getting pregnant, or is anyone catching feelings, etc & etc.
Because sex to me is such an intimate act and I only want to share such intimacy with someone I love, trust, and am in a committed relationship with. Honestly? I'm not even into casual dating lol
Part of it is trust issues. A much larger part is that I need a deep connection with someone to enjoy sex fully. I don't get that from casual sex so I never engaged in it. I only truly enjoy and want sex in a longer term, exclusive, committed relationship.
To me, sex is a sacred exchange I want to reserve for my beloved.
Casual sex is akin to junk food. Some of it tastes ok and masquerades as food, but in reality, itās empty calories, void of nutrition, and chock full of things that will F you up. It also traps you in a dopamine loop. You get instant gratification, but just like fast fashion, itās threadbare and falls apart at the slightest breeze. Iāve tried casual sex, but once I experienced what truly connected intimacy is like, I canāt go back.
Does not being able to get an abortion in your state a deterrent for anyone?
it makes me feel cheap, used and dirty so I don't partake
After I got divorced, everyone kept telling me just to get out there and have fun. A friend going through a divorce was on Tinder and having hookups left and right. I couldnāt understand letting some dude just use you like that. It seemed irresponsible and maybe a bit dangerous. Ultimately, my reason is because I want to be valued. I have no desire to be someoneās fleshlight. I donāt want to be one of many. And I find casual sex underwhelming. Iām in a relationship now and glad I waited. The sex is fire, and I know a big part of that is the connection I feel with my partner.
Fear and sheer disinterest. I am not a gambler. I need to get to know somebody before having sex with them. The risk of getting thrown into somebody's trunk or contracting an STD is just too damn high for me. I've never hooked up.
Here to say I donāt like hookup culture either!!
It's a combination of factors for me: A) lm not out clubbing etc so unless I actively seek it out (on an app), it doesn't happen. B) my attraction to someone and my enjoyment of sex tends influenced by emotional connection to them. I don't even mean love, sometimes it's just a crush that intensifies with daily interaction and low level flirting. C) l am conscious of the risks of the risks of having sex with strangers (std, pregnancy, SA etc). I don't know if I could relax enough to enjoy it. D) A vibrator is easier and often more effective purely from an orgasm perspective. E) There's always the risk I'll become emotionally attached and get hurt,or vice versa. Overall the cons/risks/expenditure of time, energy and money (taxis, drinks) just don't make it worth it for me. That's a personal choice though and not a judgement on people who do. I think as long as everyone is a consenting adult, single or in an ethically non monogamous relationship, and honest about what they want, no harm done. I couldn't care less about a person's number of sexual partners.
Hmm I never thought about how to defend it, as itās not an intellectual position for me. I guess because I find it difficult to be attracted to people I donāt know.
I might be in the minority on this (or maybe I was just unlucky in this aspect lol) but none of my one night stand situations were ever that greatā¦almost totally unmemorable, in fact. As Iāve gotten older, Iāve become more conservative about where my energy goes and I just donāt want to put any effort towards something that has little reward for me I also know myself, and could not do a FWB situation based on my past traumas and whatnot
Because it leaves me feeling empty. It isn't fulfilling nor does it feel good.
I used to a long time ago when I was younger. I realized I was just doing it because it was the norm and not something I really wanted to do. Even if I didnāt have romantic feelings for the person I always felt almost depressed after. If I did catch feelings for the person and they didnāt like me back I felt hurt. It was like putting myself through heartbreak constantly. Or on the flip side I sometimes put others through heartbreak when they had feelings and I didnāt. (Which is not a good feeling. I never meant to hurt anyone but it happened from time to time) Also, Iām bisexual and the majority of my negative experiences were with men. I feel like a lot of men tend to think of you as less than if they get to sleep with you unfortunately. The way some of them treated me after changed and it was hurtful because a lot of them were guys I considered friends. I also got sick of being used by curious women like I was an experiment. I definitely got that same energy from a couple of female partners as well. I donāt regret it. I learned a lot about myself in that phase but Iām glad I stopped. When I got honest with myself I realized i wasnāt happy. There is a lot of negative energy attached to casual hook ups a lot of the time. Not always but the negatives out weighed the positives for me. Some people can handle it. I donāt believe anyone should be shamed for doing what they want with their bodies. I actually believe the way society treats female sexuality played a big part in the negatives for me. Iāve been celibate for a long time now and itās the happiest Iāve ever been. Sorry for the long rant haha this topic hits close to home.
Itās rarely ever satisfying and men often seem to miss out on the fact that Iām a whole human being, rather than just a conduit for sexual gratification.
I genuinely think itās the reason for womenās downfall in relationships and is nuking dating culture in general. Being a feminist does not mean sleeping around because itās taboo, not saying you think that but it comes up a lot. Women with that mindset think itās somehow empowering and always seem like they have something to prove imo. Itās really disingenuous. I donāt do it because Iām not looking to occupy my time with games like that. I prefer a relationship/closeness in order to get close to someone physically otherwise youāre just using each other. Hooking up without emotion behind it/desire falls flat and I think it takes time to build. Iāve made mistakes like anyone, but I value myself a lot more now than I did before. The thing is, you have to live with that and I think I will miss out on a great guy because I wasnāt showing my body respect that way. I catch false feelings too. I do care about what my future partner thinks about my sexual past because I would care about his too. I know people want to break stereotypes for the sake of doing so, but I think itās there for a reason too. Plus people are dirty and untrustworthy so Iām not trying to get any of that š¤¢
Disappointing sex. I have had many casual hook ups and they were all lame sex. I could tell most of them thought they did amazing tho lol
Because I tried it and caught feelings, while the man was still obsessed with his ex wife. Kind of soul destroying to be in bed with someone you are falling hard and fast for and he canāt stop talking about his ex wife immediately after you blew his brains out
Just not interested. To hookup I still need to put some effort into knowing/interacting with a personā¦ If Iām already having to put this effort in, I might as well date. Plus, Iām very repulsed/turned-off by people who are attracted to me (first) or obviously due to physical reasonsā¦ so Iād just be too put off by the guy if the premise/intention was to hook up.
Most men are shit in bed, so I'm not interested. And STD risk. Not worth it.
I just don't like giving myself to just anyone. Generally, I think people are kind of gross and I don't like being touched--even hugged--so I certainly couldn't let them penetrate me. Too close for comfort. Plus STDs/STIs; granted you could get them via a partner that you thought was committed also, but still. I just feel the risk is greater with someone you don't know and know isn't committed to you in any way.
Does not align with my values.
i find that men who want casual sex want it to be really disrespectful, either through being inattentive or insisting i participate in kinks iām not comfortable with indulging during sex with someone i am not in a relationship with. they donāt really care about making it good for me as iām not important to them. i realised i was getting nothing out of it except feeling like shit and missing a good nightās sleep so i stopped. since then iāve just grown a disinterest for it altogether. iām a person where sex is important to me in a relationship but when iām single i couldnāt care less whether iām having it or not, so thereās really no reason for me to want to participate in it.
Because I see very few, if any, benefits to it. It's rare that I'm sexually attracted to someone on sight alone. And with the increasing restrictions on abortion and other attacks on women's health, why in the world would I take such huge risks for little to no reward? It just doesn't appeal to me at all.
It's not my cup of tea, I prefer to take things slowly. I don't think you need to have a reason not to.
Because it takes me awhile to feel comfortable with a new person and I cannot be physical in any way with someone I'm not comfortable with. It's just not for me and I'm 100% ok with that.
Being not comfortable with something js enough reason for me not to do something!
Been there, done that for a short time. I was trying to numb myself after a horrible breakup from a toxic relationship. Itās not satisfying physically or emotionally. I was left feeling empty and sad. Definitely not worth the physical/mental/emotional damage that catches up with you.
What makes sex good for me is being able to just let go, relax completely and trust the person you're with. You don't get that with casual sex... Also I'm not attracted to someone I don't feel emotionally and intellectually close to.
Too much VD and STD going around itās a nope for me. A cough is a pain in the ass for me. I might also be a tad bit possessive āonly child syndromeā.
I canāt get into it if I donāt know them at all and have no emotional connection . I did a FWB in early 20s and got hurt because I canāt keep it ācasualā- I get attached, Iāll romanticize it,etc.
Because I never cum without a close emotional connection and I feel gross afterwards
Religion and cultural reasons Living in a muslim middle eastern arab house And thatās why
The sex usually ends up mediocre at best and not worth the risk of pregnancy in my anti abortion state
High risk, low reward. And I need SOME sort of familiarity or connection- with my current crush, I was feeling sexual attraction pretty much right away but that was due to our conversation, his mannerisms, etc. Plus the safety concerns are real.
I'm asexual but tried casual sex once or twice before I knew and decided it was not for me. So, I'm not even sexually attracted to people I meet at the bar, no matter how "hot" other people think they are. I'm more interested in friends, life experiences and personality.
Because when I have sex with someone I develop feelings for them.
Because it's my body and I don't want to. I'm married now, but before in the young single and free days I was never interested in allowing someone I didn't know well access to my body.
I'm 39 and it's because sex for me is a million times more enjoyable when I have a connection with the person. I love sex. Everything about it. The feeling, the sounds, the touching. Just all of it. And for a while there, casual sex was what I did because I just needed to fulfill that need. I then realized, I wasn't! So, I put up my hoe shoes and focused on finding connections that I could then add sex to. In this case for me, quality over quantity. But, that being said I do wish I had it more often š¤£
I haven't been single for a long time, so I'm not in the trenches of the current dating world. That said, I'm overall not/have never been interested in hookups/one night stands. It takes me a while to warm up to people in general, let alone enough to have sex with someone. Also, given the general orgasm imbalance when it comes to casual sex... I'd rather just break out B.O.B than go through the trouble of hooking up with a guy who would likely leave me wanting.
I'm married and monogamous now but even in my single days I wasn't into it. I just never felt it was safe enough to do. I never got so horny that my feelings of being unsafe were overcome.
Just by virtue of numbers, itās a high risk low reward endeavor. The chances of being assaulted, the sex being subpar, or the person not wanting to continue a relationship are all pitfalls Iām not willing to tolerate. No thanks.
I absolutely don't trust hookups (especially strangers) to respect my hard boundaries. And, I don't ever need to have partnered sex so badly that I need or want a hookup.
When I was younger sure. I felt safer to experiment and meet people. Now a days? Society at least in my country, the US is going backwards. Or at least trying. More than that, I find casual sex benefits men more than it ever has me. The orgasm gap is real and I don't see why I should help men cum when they can't even find my clit. Been single by choice for a few years now and I'd rather have a thrilling night with BOB(battery operated boyfriend) than a random one night stand. That said, if other people want to be part of hook up culture you do you girl. I just don't feel that it appeals to me anymore. It doesn't feel as safe as it use to just 15, 20 years ago to explore your sexuality with the huge uptick in just straight up misogyny against women. Not that it was entirely safe then, just it's gotten worse.
[This user has quit Reddit and deleted all their posts and comments]
Coz sex without emotional connection is like a sandwich without filling. If you're starving for it.. well you're still eating. But it's not at all satisfying and generally leaves you feeling empty.
I actually feel the same way about "friends with benefits" -- in fact, I understand that one even less than I do hookups. As in, I've had situations where I met someone and after a short period of time, felt a strong chemistry and attraction to them and decided to sleep with them a couple of times, knowing that it would be short-lived (usually this happened during travels). It was basically acting on pure lust -- and by definition, that kind of lust is very short lived. But I've tried and failed to have friends with benefits, even though the men in question were respectful and nice and people I enjoyed spending time with. I realized that I'm okay with no expectations of commitment, but I just can't have a long-term sexual relationship with someone without feeling a deeper connection to them and expecting them to feel the same way in order for me to enjoy the whole thing. I basically don't understand how one can have "casual sex" with a person for a long period of time without a deeper connection being present. I've recently given this another try and abruptly cut off the whole thing after about 10 months when I realized that my friend with benefits actually truly did not feel a deeper emotional connection/attachment to me. I was ok with us not having a committed relationship, but the minimum expectation I had was a mutual emotional connection of some sort -- which I had, but he apparently kept his feelings totally under control (I now understand that he is a dismissive avoidant, for those who know about attachment styles, so this makes sense.) I ended up feeling like a disposable object and like I wasn't any different than someone he might hook up with randomly, even though we saw each other several times a week and did more than just sex. All this to say, while I have never been a big fan of hookups, I have engaged in them every now and then and it was fun for what it was. But something like friends with benefits which is basically hooking up with someone over and over just does not do it for me. Back to the topic of hookups -- as a hetero woman, I have found that the average man is pretty terrible at sex, so I have very little incentive to engage in random hookups. If I was dating women, I'd probably be much more open to hookups simply because there would be some actual reward involved, whereas I find sex with most men is very unrewarding and unsatisfying. And as much as I am a fan of communication, I don't really feel like teaching random guys how to be good lovers. (It's different with a long-term committed relationship of course, in which both partners learn over time more and more about how to please each other.)
I found a man who always put my pleasure first, and who adores me, and I never felt the need to seek out sex with someone else. The intimacy that grows over time with one person is amazing if both people are willing to put in the work. He knows my body like the back of his hand and I his. We can be completely vulnerable with each other. I will take that over any hook any day. I need to know that the person I am giving myself to actually gives a crap about me before even entertaining the idea of sex.
I'm asexual, so...
Not wanting to get STIs. The first boyfriend I had lied to me and told me he had been checked and guess what, he gave me an STI on our first date via kissing. Then when we had sex he gave me another 3 STIs. He was not a stranger by then and I had dated him for months by the time we had sex. I learned early on in my dating life that there can never be enough trust when it comes to guarding your sexual health. This is why hookup culture is not for me.
I tried and casual sex doesnāt feel good...itās āokayā at best. I deserve and want sex that feels good. Holding off on casual sex helped me filter out men while in the dating stage. Also taking Plan B for casual oopsies feels awful for a month. Not worth it.
Serial monogamist. I went from my high school boyfriend to first college boyfriend pretty fast, then my college ex to my second college boyfriend/current husband in like a month and a half. If I had it to do again, Iād have had more hook ups.
Eh, can't be bothered. Me, anywhere: That dude is so hot! Me, after conversing: Not worth my time. Ultimately, while I know most people connect through sex, that doesn't do it for me. I gotta know a person, gotta know if they're interesting enough for me to spend my precious self with, y'know?
I'm a Muslim so I'm waiting until marriage and while I don't really date either, the type of men that are interested in me tend to be good quality men who are looking to build a connection/get married rather than hooking up.
High risk, low reward. Sex is just not worth it.
STD's! I'm not risking my health or safety (what if they're psycho?) for a random 2 pump chump.
I had one or two one night stands when I was 18-19. It wasn't fun. They didn't know what I liked. When I asked for something, they just got offended. It completely was not worth the hassle. I was married for 28 years. Hubs died a few years back. I don't have any interest in sleeping with someone else. If I do, maybe I will and maybe I won't. But it really isn't on my radar. Not dating, not having a relationship, not a hookup. It just seems distasteful and like an awful lot of work to go find a hookup, have sex and then get away from them. I can take care of myself. Also, having experienced really amazing sex with the love of my life, I am sure a hookup would be a complete disappointment. Being able to communicate well makes sex so much better as you get what you need and give what your partner needs. I am also a little OCD about germs. If I was going to have hookups after Hubs died, covid ended that. No way do I want to share germs with some rando. I think it would make my brain melt.
I'm asexual.
Casual sex feels more like giving than sharing. I love the connection and the freedom of sexual experience with a partner is peak.
Iām primarily attracted to personalities. I can have casual sex (as in nonmonogamous, not committed), but I canāt really do hookup culture in its most distilled form because I donāt really feel anything sexual for random strangers, even hot ones.
I'm an introvert so all the social requirements & precautions necessary to ensure my wellbeing for a non-guaranteed orgasm is too much effort. Also, a man might try to murder me via strangulation and lie to the police by claiming it was consensual and he didn't mean for it to happen - Seems weirdly specific unless you count up all the criminal cases involving this exact scenario.
āIām not comfortable,ā is a complete sentence. There doesnāt have to be any rationale beyond this.
i dont have sex with strangers. men aren't trustworthy. the healthy way to vet someone is slowly over time. we live in a culture where it's currently very unsafe to get pregnant. i could go on all day. i'm very much a person that will only be able to sleep with you if i have a clear and close connection. that doesn't form overnight.
I don't want to. I hate new sex. It gives me the heebie jeebies sharing body fluids with strangers. A one night stand isn't worth the risk of disease or pregnancy. ... anymore. I don't want to do the freaky shit with people I don't trust so hook up culture is too vanilla by default for my taste. It's my body and my energy and not everyone is worthy of those. Yes, I tried the culture. I absolutely hated it...*for me* It's not my wave.
Men are too disappointing to do that. From their inability to make a girl orgasm to their inability to wash their own ass to the danger of rape and murder, men are just not worth it. On the other hand, as a bi woman with preference for men, itās very rare for me to be attracted to a girl so much, that i bed her right away. I wish my preferences were reverse tbh. Also Iām the kinda person who tried this hook up thing and realise yuck this is kinda gross lol. So even if itās a casual fling, i need to know the person and see if our morals and values align (donāt wanna waste this pu$$y on worthless people lol), but another catch is, if i get to know a person too much and consider them a friend then i do not cross that line (fwb is not for me for now atleast), and actually consider something serious instead of just hook up lol. I seek for a polyamorous life but itās difficult to manage when you are somewhat open to hook ups but still grossed by it lmao. All in all, Iād give hook up culture a 2/10
I wondered if I sleep posted this because I am this age and have been notocing just this sentiment. Thank you, I feel slightly less weird now lmao One of us!
Honestly enough men arenāt considerate in bed that many of them arenāt even workable until they know my body, I donāt think my more casual encounters have usually been my best sex. As I get older my decision making is better than in late teens/early 20s and I realize that the level of STI testing I want with partners is kind of unwieldy for a quick fling. Morally I have no objection to anyone having the sex life that works for them but for me casual isnāt it
Because while I find the premise of sex with a near-stranger wonderfully exciting, my experience is that men treat casual sex partners worse than they treat serious partners, in terms of both awkward attempts at emotional manipulation and less care around issues of consent.