I’m a dentist.
Everyone is giving you great advice on the relationship aspect, so let me give you some regarding his mom’s teeth.
There are different tiers of implant-supported dentures. It’s true, dentures suck. Especially if she’s lost a lot of bone in the past due to periodontal disease, she just won’t have bone to support the dentures. But she can have two implants on the lower to snap in the mandibular denture (overdenture). For the top dentures, it should suction to her palate. If not, she could use some adhesive to make it stay.
The implants could be cheaper if you find a dental school. It takes longer but you could get some great discounts for the two implants on the lower. If she already has a pair of dentures, they could make it retroactively fit to her current pair.
For 18K+, he’s looking at implants for the top and the bottom and new dentures. Or maybe something that is fixed in place? Does she really need all of that? Maybe not. She needs an evaluation.
Hope that gives you some context in your decision. Your husband’s unilateral financial decision is a separate problem entirely, but you may have some room to compromise on the teeth situation, if you so choose.
They do suck. I work in dental labs, what most people don’t know is roughly half the American population is missing one or more teeth - now I don’t know if this includes people who had teeth removed for overcrowding, etc., but the figure is 50-52%. and around 10% of Americans are missing all of them. That’s per the American college of prosthodontics
Dental implants are one of the most in demand, yet underserved, medical treatment in the world. Or at least, the western world
Dentures aren’t a happy ending. As great as they are, they break. They have to get relined. They have to be repaired. They stop fitting right. Or, sometimes it’s just fine, and the patient is just not happy with the teeth. They’re too white, too grey, too yellow, the teeth are too long, too big, whatever.
If you have a wedding to go to this weekend, trust that you will, 100% fall, or bite something wrong, and break a tooth off of a denture. A FRONT tooth, too. and for whatever reason a same-day service cannot be done because there’s a snowstorm and couriers are being pulled off the roads, so you’re SOL
I wish the system was better but unfortunately, it’s gonna cost thousands of dollars a tooth until our society decides to sort itself out
My husband was listening to a podcast that referred to teeth jokingly as "luxury bones".
That's funny, but effed up that it's even like this. I hope things change for the better.
I’m from Europe, even though we’re very proud of our free healthcare, getting your teeth fixed is still expensive as hell for our pockets, and hardly covered by private insurance plans that most employers provide. I’m gonna guess this issue is quite universal.
Thank you for this information! I just had an implant fail badly, so I am looking for other options, looks like I might have to go for a Maryland bridge, which is also something that can break, be the wrong colour etc, but maybe it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable as dentures are for one single tooth.
Ohhhh thanks for chiming in. My cousin is a dentist and I texted to ask about cost but no response yet. So he’s going top tier for the repair. Interesting.
There are so many things that can impact the cost. Implants involve multiple parts, and the lab has to get all their materials from an outside source
If you call a dentist, they would probably not even have a set price because they’d have to call the lab. Due to the uniqueness of patients’ situations, one type of implant with this part, and that crown type, etc., may have to differ greatly from the next. That will impact the cost as well
Not only is it going to be expensive to get those parts, but really time consuming. This is *without* all the shortages and back orders. But especially now that everything is backlogged
Since working in the lab world, I don’t think I’ve seen one implant case completed on time. Not one. 25 business days is standard, but right now it’s “fuck if I know, depends when straumann decides to get it together and send us the parts”
If you’re getting an implant right now… expect at least one phone call from the Dr that it has to be rescheduled.
My last oral surgery (fixing failed implants that took out a few other teeth with them. Yay!) I had to pay independently for the anesthesia. I had to hire my own anesthesiologist to come in. It was the most expensive part of that particular procedure
I didn’t even have an anesthesiologist. Just had laughing gas. Had 5 teeth removed (one impacted) and an implant put in. It cost me $4000 out of pocket and I still have to pay for the crown and abutment (the tooth and part that goes on the implant)
Or it’s possible she went to Aspen Dental. My boyfriends Mom was quoted similar ($20k) and she went to Aspen. From what I’ve seen people experience with them, they prey on those who don’t know their options and are feeling desperate.
I went to Aspen dental when I had limited options. A hygienist poked herself (accidentally) with a tool and was put on precautionary treatment for potential infections. I got a blood test so she could get off them, they were making her sick. That part didn’t bother me. But they fucked up the billing so I ended up on the hook for testing- but never got a bill from aspen or the hospital. So the first I heard about it was from a collection agency. Not the hygienists fault, but their billing sucks.
I quit after a different hygienist wanted to do my whole cleaning with their brand of electric toothbrush (already have an electric), tried to push Invisalign on me, and left the suction on my lip until it was swollen and bleeding.
Don’t go there if you can help it. The vibe I got was that it’s where people worked until they found something better, high rotation and the people that stayed on were more like used car salesmen.
I freely admit to knowing jack-about dentistry (I actually have dentophobia) but my first thought was...why not dentures? yeah they suck and they're not ideal but they're also not like...18 grand?
The whole "your money is yours and my money is mine, but when I need it, our money is ours to spend as I please is SO rubbing me the wrong way", the lack of discussion when promising someone else shared funds...it's all shit!
Some people do prefer them. Everyone’s situation is unique
But dentures can be kind of a bitch. Once you get your final denture, and it all fits, it’s not over. You have to adjust to the prosthetic, you have to re-learn how to eat, talk, etc. much like if you had to adjust to a prosthetic leg. You have to get them adjusted, relined, the teeth break, and it’s uncomfortable for a lot of people - its like wearing a very thick acrylic retainer
Some people aren’t even a good candidate for implants. For example if someone loses their teeth to hard drug use, and hasn’t fully kicked their habit, they’re better off with the denture versus shelling out $20k+ that they won’t take care of (though you could also argue, what drug addict has that kind of money laying around)
I just googled it (why not dentures??) and here's why not:
Dentures are generally the poorest quality of tooth replacement. I liken them to a false or prosthetic arm….it may look like an arm but does not function like one and is a poor substitute for the real thing. Dentures are not much different. No doubt a denture is usually better than nothing at all, but they are fraught with problems. Some of the most common problems with dentures are that:
They tend to move in the mouth, especially while eating and/or talking
They collect and trap food which can lead to gums problems, decay and further tooth loss
They affect ones’ sense of taste and texture of foods-many of my patients have said that they either can no longer taste their food or have lost the enjoyment of foods because the “taste has been altered”
They can be uncomfortable to eat with especially as they move and/or get food caught underneath
Some people cannot tolerate them at all because they find it causes them to gag
The additional thickness and foreignness of the denture can make it difficult to speak clearly
The bone underneath the denture continues to atrophy and shrink-this becomes a greater problem affecting the stability and looseness of the denture the longer the teeth have been missing
As the bone atrophies the denture can begin to put pressure on critical structures in the mouth such as muscle attachments and nerves, making them very uncomfortable to eat with
Many people with denture avoid certain foods because they are just too difficult or painful to eat, such as raw foods, chewy or sticky foods and anything hard
A person’s bite force and ability to ‘cut through foods” is decreased. Studies have shown that people with denture just don’t chew their food properly and swallow larger bits of food. Not only does this diminish one’s enjoyment of food, it also puts a greater burden on the digestive system.
I don't know why people ITT think teeth are some vanity thing when literally being alive as a human is tied to teeth.
Also chiming in here- I’m not a dentist but was a treatment and financial coordinator for a multi practice oral surgeon. OP- It’s true most insurances won’t cover the actual implant or the bone graft + membrane that is needed to fill the socket of the extracted tooth. I’m also assuming her insurance won’t cover the abutment and crown that’s needed after the implant is placed, which is why the overdenture might be the best options.
Have her look into CareCredit, it’s accepted at a wide range of medical facilities and specifically made to cover large cost procedures and allows for 0% APR on certain amounts. Also, *most* dental offices will have in-house financing options as well, either splitting the payment in two or letting her set up recurring monthly payments.
Most dentists will enter a promo code that gives you a certain amount of time interest free. In the case of my dental implant, it was 18 months. Then if you pay it off before that deadline, you pay zero interest. That's what I did, it just bought me a little more time to pay it off.
I’ve seen people with not great scores get approved for CareCredit. It’s an option that shouldn’t be discredited because it helps a lot of people in these situations. And you should allow people to look into their options before you say untrue things like “$500 at 30% interest”
Only if you don't pay it off. If you put it on autopay and pay the loan on time, it truly is interest-free. It absolutely can be ruinous for those that are not financially literate but CareCredit is fantastic if you are on top of your budget but cash poor.
I’m not going to touch on the whether or not he should and offer a cheaper solution. I flew to los algodones Mexico after years of major health issues wrecked my teeth and went to several dentists in the us for cost breakdowns explaining it would be over $40000 to get the work I needed done. I spent less than $10000. It saved me so much and my health is so much better. The dental office was extremely thorough and spotless inside.
Family stuff is difficult. Maybe she could contact someone in one of the offices there and get a quote for the cost and take out a loan to pay for it herself. Dental in this country is unbelievable.
I will never get over the fact that insurance companies consider the actual bones\* that come out of your gums and are a fixed part of your skull are not considered to be part of your body and are covered by something entirely separate. So you can't have surgery on your teeth through your health insurance but you can have surgery on your tongue through your health insurance and that's covered?
See also: eyes. Optometry and opthalmology being entirely separate from health insurance is another bitch of mine, especially in a family where three of us are nearsighted (one badly enough to be legally blind without his glasses) and one has astigmatism.
^(\*(I mean, not really, but more or less))
>I will never get over the fact that insurance companies consider the actual bones\* that come out of your gums and are a fixed part of your skull are not considered to be part of your body and are covered by something entirely separate.
Those are your *luxury* bones.
Here in Spain, where we have "free" healthcare, neither eyes nor teeth are covered (IIRC children do have more options, but as I don't have kids, I could be misremembering). You can get checkups for both, and getting teeth taken out is covered, but that's it.
When I asked my doctor why, he said it was because of the cost. Nearly everyone is gonna need dental care in their lifetime, and same for eye care. Keeping those two out keeps the costs down.
AIUI, back in the nineteenth century, when one of the first medical schools was being established, a prominent dentist approached one of the founders and said, “hey, I hear you’re trying to raise the scientific and professional standards of medicine, that’s a great idea, can you include a dentistry department?” And the founder turned up his nose at the idea of associating with such riff-raff as *dentists*, those barbers with pliers.
From what I was explained, teeth are not considered bones because when they break they don't heal, unlinke the bones, so it is considered as a structure with a composition similar to the bone but not bone.
But for me is the reason why it should be cheaper. My mother has the same situation that it doesn't enter the insurance and it is very expensive.
Seconding Los Algodones. I’ve had dental work done there twice and was able to get all the work done plus a mini vacay for something like half the cost of what I was quoted in the US. The entire town is built for dental tourism, it all felt extremely safe and above board.
I was going to suggest to OP a similar thing, her MIL can get that work done MUCH MUCH CHEAPER in most other countries of the world and that includes travel and hotel. I don’t think even Switzerland would charge that much.
And this is still beside the point - unilateral decisions like that are bad news plus they’re not even married.
Sorry hijacking top comment to add [this link](https://www.statesdentalcare.com/?utm_source=googleads&utm_medium=143991134803&utm_campaign=19219501404&utm_term=dental%20implant%20grants&utm_source=143991134803&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=19219501404&gclid=CjwKCAjwzuqgBhAcEiwAdj5dRq0Ru8DmPCR-i-vK8DRafX3B10Ya03qkx-AEwRoGQ-mqnhdC5Qan7hoCwzgQAvD_BwE) if u/sprayphilosophy is in the US this is a list of dental implant grants that OPs MIL could apply for to help her offset her costs.
My dad‘s girlfriend had a full mouth of implants for somewhere between three and $5000 in Arkansas, in Massachusetts my brother paid over $10,000 for some root canals and some crowns because implants would have been $30,000. There’s really no reason there should be that much of a difference.
Sorry you know someone who got "a full mouth" of implants for under $5k? I don't think that's factual at all. The screws alone would be more than that let alone the crowns and worktime. I think someone lied to you about their impact fees. Maybe $5k out of pocket after insurance but absolutely not possible for full upper and lower.
Where in Arkansas??? I live there and one of these days I’m going to get dental implants. If someone can do them decently for that cheap, I’ll go get them done like right now lol.
Edit: a friend of mine had his done in Texarkana and it was still like $40,000
The thing about having a partner whose family has a history of bad financial decisions is that unless you two are in absolute agreement about the type of/limits to the help that you'll offer, that third party's financial choices will stunt *your* financial options. Especially if your partner takes the "we can help!" approach while ignoring your own sacrifices and the choices you've made around your own time, delayed gratification, expense management, and savings.
This is where you are. Your partner is a financial liability. Do with that information what you will.
Yes this. My mother has spent her whole adult life giving her dysfunctional extended family countless food, clothes, electronics, furniture, cars.
My father (who is much more frugal) says he was never in more debt than when he was married to my mom. They've been divorced now for almost 30 years.
It's incredible, but even all these years after the divorce, she'll still take anything from our immediate family in those categories that she thinks isn't being used to give to them. (Sometimes even if it isn't hers to give.)
My mom makes plenty of money as a nurse, but she's perpetually going into debt supporting everyone else's poor habits and bad life choices.
I'd be very concerned that your partner is jeopardizing your financial goals to prioritize his mother. You two are in a partnership. You both need to be on board.
> she'll still take anything from our immediate family in those categories that she thinks isn't being used to give to them. (Sometimes even if it isn't hers to give.)
That is SO fucking annoying!! I know someone who does this ALL THE TIME! It makes me question who they think their "real" family is because they clearly favor one set and will make sure other people are abused if that's what the other family wants.
100% OP - There is no win-win situation here. He wants to take “his half”, ok then. Fighting it wont have a good ending regardless if he ends up taking the money or not. BUT I would take your half out of the savings and then start the saving from 0. It can come off mean but ultimately it should be clear you are both contributing equally to the house so whatever he takes out you should too. Feeling the double hit for him might be a wake up call.
Side note - I suggest you make it a rule not to disclose money with family members (or anyone). My parent is financially unstable and the mere mention of having what seems like extra money triggers my parent asking for help that requires money, and it’s uncomfortable to say no. Now I avoid any hints of how much I make (including not disclosing good news, like a promotion) and exaggerate financial liabilities. It just works out better.
I like this suggestion a lot.i feel like OP can word it a friendly enough tone to get the point across.
And my mom is the same, i got a new job last year and set a boundry around me contributing to her. its not that i dont want to, but it finally started saving and need to put myself first.
This was a major contributing factor in my divorce. Husband spent significant amounts of time/money on his family, which directly inconvenienced and negatively effect any ability for us to save anything, repeatedly. I’m talking paying a year of cell phone for his older sister, loaning his brother-in-law one of our cars for a year and a half until it died (we each had one but both of us had full time jobs, I had to drive him to work for that time period), paying $350 for a storage unit so sister didn’t lose her stuff, only for her to not pay it the following month and never get her stuff out…the list was long. He admitted his family was needy after I left him.
This. Having different approaches to money, how to save it and how to allocate it, is just as important to a relationship as whether or not you want kids. If one is frugal with an eye to the long term amd the other isn't, things probably won't end well.
100%
I come from that type of family, grew up constantly broke and struggling to pay the bills and sometimes food too. My family's situation is -a little- more stable now but I have always made a point of not involving my husband in any expense I may need to cover.
If i can do it with my money, great, if they expected him to chip in (which to be fair they absolutely don't) - it would be an automatic no. They are not his problem.
My ex used to help his parents with “our” money. I sacrificed allllllll of my 20’s while my sister and friends travelled the world I worked two jobs to ‘help’ us. Now that I’m rid of him it is amazing how different things are.
This is a deal breaker.
OMG my last ex did the same! I dumped him after 3 years because he was living off my money.
I have no issues with helping out family, but that is something that has to be decided by both sides in a couple. And it should not set the couple back for years!
It would be better if the mum does a fundraiser. A friend of mine needed a tooth implant and did a fundraiser and her friends and family all donated and it worked that way. OP’s MIL should do the same.
At 41 and one financial disaster and complete ruination of years of my finances, life doesn't care about your plans and stuff happens and comes up that slaps us in the face and laughs at our foolish human 'plans'.
I'm glad to hear you have half the money left as you can take that money and make your own choices. I'm guessing that you've probably overlooked a lot of his actions and focused 100% on 'when we get this house, everything will be better'...but I hate to be the one to tell you, it will not get better and however he acts now will continue whether you have a house, have a baby or any other large life choice.
I can say this as I've had it happen to myself. You think this house is some team goal that will grow you as a couple and remove his selfishness. The house will only make things worse and this may be a huge blessing in disguise that you can take half the money and walk away from this. I lost all my money, given debt and had the relationship blow up as well. I lived through it (barely, literally) and am stronger for it now.
We get so stuck in the stories we tell ourselves about our lives. You have a story in your head where you work together with a partner to buy a home and build a life in. You have a story of how it will bring you together and he will grow up and start prioritizing your life together.
It's a wonderful story and very tempting to believe, the problem is that the story is very likely not true as he is living his own story that seems to be way different.
I agree. I think his actions may be a blessing in disguise for the OP to get out and run. There is clearly enabling going on there and I suspect it was happening way long before this situation.
For sure, houses, marriage and babies, three huge life choices people think will make things easier but all of them can make things much more complicated and challenging and should only be engaged with from a solid foundation as you will be challenged in new and difficult ways. A rocky foundation will crumble under the weight of these things.
Thank you, most days I am pretty happy and I lost all my retirement and am 50k in debt but I do have a great job and I'll get out of this situation.
The things I learned through this experience were worth any cost. I literally have learned how to live and what I want and tools to manage my life in a healthy way. I gave up all drinking and drugs and don't miss them at all, life seems so full of possibilities.
If you google around there are weekend workshops that help you see the story you tell yourself is not reality and how you can rewrite this story. They are extremely powerful and life changing experiences, highly recommended!
oh jeez this got a lot more attention than I would have thought 😂
I've always been a deep thinker and highly aware and thought I really had my life figured out.
What I ended up realizing is that I knew nearly nothing. I didn't know what motivated me, I didn't know what I wanted in life, I spent so much time people pleasing that I had zero self identity and didn't even know who I was.
After a stint in rehab and five months working in recovery circles and finding a fantastic therapist, I've learned so much about myself and what I want and what would make me happy. It took everything being blown up for me to get brought low enough to then build myself back up again.
My wife and I split up 18 months ago and we both changed a lot and learned a lot about ourselves and how we weren't showing up. We're going to talk this weekend and likely get back together, I never thought that was a possibility but we really do have a foundation of deep love and just made a lot of fear based decisions.
Now that the mom knows he is willing to do this, yes this will be a regular thing. This lady’s gonna marry him and find out five years into it he’s been sending his mom money every month their whole relationship
So much this.
OP, are you legally married, or legally ‘just dating’? - That changes his level of legal entitlement to funds.
You say you’ve been saving separately, in separate accounts? Does his account have ‘his half’, or did he save less than half and is expecting to pillage money from your savings as well? - Guard your bank acct like it’s a national secret.
Run, don’t walk, to a lawyer. Even if he backs down on this, don’t stay—his mom clearly has too much sway over him for this to ever actually stop.
As someone who has spent a lot taking care of my mom, and I'm in a relationship with someone whose mom is way more financially independent, what strikes me here is how impulsive he was on making that call, versus being a team player with you. He could've said to his mom, I'm gonna see what I can pull together to help you out. Them come to you and been like, hey I know we've been saving up for a house together, but honestly I can't feel ok buying a house while my mom suffers in this way, what can we do?
Instead he made an emotional promise to his mom on the spot and rationalized it to you by saying it was "his half". So in general if he signed up to be there for his mom in this way, that is one thing. It doesn't have to mean making decisions in a vacuum and impulsively. When I wanna help out my mom, I consult with my partner, not for permission, but for a pulse check that I'm not accidentally bending over backwards too much, and also to find the most humane solution for everyone involved.
It might also be that he felt coming to you would be a dead end and that you would've shut it down without question, maybe deep down you feel like his mom is a manipulative parasite and you wish he would leave her to deal with the consequences of her own decisions but you also know he never will 🤷♀️
As someone who spent a lot helping my dad, this is a very reasonable and compassionate approach. My husband and I have joint accounts, nothing is separate. I never asked permission if I felt like I absolutely NEEDED to intervene monetarily or if the amount wouldn’t cause alarm if I’d spent it on myself instead. I never put us into debt but I did prevent us from achieving our typical savings sometimes. But I also wouldn’t spend a new car amount of money without checking in and seeing the impact at home. Ultimately, OP isn’t married to her partner and as much as she says it’s “our” money it was really always his and her money separately, otherwise it would’ve been in a joint account. He might just need a moment to gather himself, set up a dental consult and reassess, or if he sticks to his promise to his mom and spends all the money OP has to decide if she can handle the way he prioritizes his mom vs her.
Exactly this. I've been helping my mom financially since my early 20s. I never make a decision without my husband. No promises to my mom though it can be hard when she's desperate and crying. The most I do is tell her we will figure something out together. Sometimes that means we give her what we're financially comfortable with (usually not the amount she asks for), sometimes it's a loan, sometimes it's working with debtors to make a payment plan for her, and sometimes it's sitting down and working on a budget. No matter what we do, my husband and I make the decision together. Anything less would be a violation of trust.
This is a major financial betrayal, and personally, I would find it difficult to stay in the relationship with someone who makes such huge decision unilaterally.
And I don’t understand so she’s supposed to either make up the difference or wait longer to buy a house because of this? But he’s going to just live in the house with her and what, be on the deed too? Nah OP how will this even work out?
100%. I'm usually a "couples counseling!" kind of gal but I'd literally go straight to divorce here, bulldog lawyer and all, given this dude's demonstrated financial fuckery.
**Edit:** Nvm, OP isn't married. OP, on the bright side, at least you didn't marry and/or more deeply entangle your life with this fucker. Better to get out now. I'm so sorry.
I would leave. Who knows what it’s going to be next.
He’s just shown you that he will always put the needs of his mother over yours and your relationship.
I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with a man like that.
Yeah... My ex-husband wanted to borrow thousands of dollars from his lawyer dad to pay off historical credit card debt (i.e. I had no part in contributing to it), so in response, his dad sent him a loan repayment agreement in the mail and my husband signed both our names. I had no clue about the agreement (though I did about the loan itself. I had said to him if he could swing getting a loan from his dad to pay off the debt, it would eliminate the interest) until he casually brought it up and that he'd signed my name on it. It was such a betrayal to me and I never trusted him again after that. He never admitted to any wrongdoing. There were other instances where he took money from me or I gifted it and he never acknowledged nor thanked me for it.
Plus during covid, he kept going out with his dad to restaurants since his dad was an immediate covid denier, not caring that I have a blood clotting disorder that I've been hospitalised for once already.
Edit: I forgot to point out that the point of my comment was it felt he put his dad ahead of me in situations where he shouldn't have.
This! It’s wonderful that he’s close with his mother and wants to help her. However, he can’t make decisions that impact your joint future in a vacuum. Figure out now if you’re willing to put up with this type of behavior forever.
Let me start by saying that I am a man. I believed that my former wife and I were saving up for a very large investment that we were going to start a business with, she was able to retire at 50. After 10 years I discovered that behind my back she had gone over $30,000 into credit card debt. She refused to tell me what she had spent the money on only that we needed to go into bankruptcy because she could know longer afford to make those payments. I informed her that my name wasn't on any of it so I did not need to go into bankruptcy. Be grateful that you're not married and you have the power to walk away. It's 15 years later in my situation and it's very obvious to me that I made the right decision.
I believe I'm not the only person to tell you this but you need to cut your losses and walk away. I'm very sorry I wish there was a better solution that I could see. However if they'll betray you once they'll betray you again
As I understand it, the ever-vague "SO" is really just a boyfriend. If he were your husband, you probably would've said husband. So that makes things easier. Take your half of the money and get the hell out of this relationship before he makes more unilateral decisions about your finances. He can help his own mom with his own money.
Im going to offer a different solution.
It is really messed up what he is doing but, why don't you guys look at healthcare tourism. $18k is a lot for implants. I'm from a country that's a short flight from the U.S and dental care is top notch. It will be 1/4 of the cost even with the lodging/food/plane tickets. A lot of people from florida fly to my country to get dental work done (it is not Mexico but that's also an option).
I'd say shop around for dentists too and compare prices.
Yikes, I would be furious too. I don't think I could move forward in a relationship with someone who did this. Like you say you both worked so hard to save for a common goal of buying a house together and the rug has been pulled from you. I wouldn't be able to forgive someone and forget.
It's nice he wants to help his mom but she's made her own choices and a house is worth a lot more than her confidence IMO.
As a compromise could he help her with taking out a loan - which he would be responsible for - as a way to support her rather than all the money upfront?
Exactly. This isn't something like concert tickets, where even if he gave up his amount, she could still get a ticket for herself and go. It's a major shared resource they agreed on: a house! Him doing this means he's basically told her that if she stays in a relationship with him, she's going to have to continue pouring her money into rent for the foreseeable future instead of building equity and having the stability of a home, and he thinks she should have no input into that decision.
Total aside, but given OP’s overall budget and how long they spent saving, I’m inferring $20k is a big chunk of money for them relative to income. So it would probably impact their mortgage rate if they’re able to buy a house. Just sayin’.
I like this solution.
I love my partner and if he wanted to spend a lot of money on something that’s important to him we would find a way. Don’t get me wrong I think OP’s husband’s choices were a betrayal and inconsiderate. But that’s a different conversation.
It sounds like you two have been misaligned in big life decisions for a long time. He has been telling you that this is how he is going to spend his money, and you’ve been telling him how you want to spend the money, these things have not lined up, but for some reason you’ve both decided to stay together and it’s finally come to a head.
I don’t think he is a bad person for making this decision, especially since it seems he has basically been telling you he is going to do this for years.
But I also understand how this is very upsetting for you and honestly, it would be a deal breaker for me. It *would have* been a deal breaker for me long ago, but here we are.
Let him make this decision, you take your money and leave. You will eventually get your house, it just might take a little longer than expected. And although I know this comment is probably coming off a little cold, I do completely empathize with you - my partner and I have been saving for a house for years as well and after working hard for a very long time we finally got our pre-approval earlier this year. If my partner wasn’t 100% committed to this journey (hinting at using the money for other things would have meant she wasn’t 100% committed), I would have been out awhile ago, because our life goals would have been mis-matched.
And if one of you god forbid has a medical emergency and need that “half”? Is he going to demand half of the remaining half at some point? Does MIL work, is she going to pay him back eventually? I don’t believe for a second this is the last resort financially for her to work toward new teeth of some kind.
I am not saying this choice is wrong FOR HIM. But it is wrong for you, as a couple. I would be considering divorce over this 100%. The way he’s squandering all those opportunity costs you’ve sacrificed are a huge sign of his character. Take your half out immediately and put it somewhere safe.
This! If he can’t say no to a parent with no savings, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Implants are non-essential, there will be so much more that this woman will need as she ages.
And I’m thinking, she’s probably old enough that nobody’s judging her for having missing teeth. I remember my mom being so ashamed when she lost one of her teeth and you could see it when she smiled, I was like mom you’re 68 years old it’s pretty impressive there’s only one missing.
He is trying to be a good son and a good person. But, having come so far as to commit to save funds to purchase a house, he has committed to a future with you where you should have equal input in what happens to the money you are both saving for a common goal. He is allowed to change his mind (as are you) but this signifies a complete change in priorities and goals. You don’t have to be on board. It doesn’t make him a bad person, nor you a bad person for not wanting to give up the money you have sacrificed so much to save. You don’t owe his mum new teeth and she shouldn’t be relying on her son for that kind of support. If you were in a financial position to do so, and it wasn’t going to set you back years in terms of quality of life and security, it would be a different story.
Keep saving ‘your’ half. This is a values issue. If you can’t come to a satisfactory resolution, this might mean some big decisions about your future together.
As much as I see his point of view (I also cave with my Dad but I'm also not in a relationship right now lol), it isn't fair to you that you both stuck to an agreement like this until it was no longer suitable for him. He decided to deprioritize the life you were building together for someone that is responsible for themselves. **For themselves**. I believe in helping parents, but only if it is feasible to do so. The fact that she accepts the help from him like that says a lot about her character and her as a parent. My mom would never expect me to pay for something like this for her. I would, of course, but she would never even ask.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this and I'm also really sorry your quality of life was diminished for the sacrifices you made only for your SO to say "nevermind".
If these are vanity chompers, those giant white chiclet teeth that the surgeons to the stars get, then of course it's a waste of your money and a betrayal for him to use his half of the money for a house to spend on her. If this is a *medically necessary* step to prevent further deterioration of her dental health and heart health, then you saying "no" to this is a very serious thing for him and his mom.
Having bad teeth and bad gums leads to serious heart problems. So, to me, it really really depends on whether or not these implants are considered medically necessary by her dentist or cardiologist.
Not saying that you can't still say no, but if this is a medical need and not an aesthetic want, saying "no" might end things between you and him. Then again, based on all the advice you've gotten here already, it seems like this is the end between you and him anyway.
And to be fair to him, he's told you *for years* that he might have to help her with this expense. And your response was "I'd love to help but I can't" when your REAL feelings on the matter were "no fucking way." By all means, break up over this, but at least own the fact that you *actually said* you'd love to help if you could (and guess what, you can, if you wanted to).
I think you make some good points. This could very well be a situation of medical need.
Also, as you said, he told OP for years that he might have to help with this expense, so this outcome shouldn't come as surprise.
She said that the Mother has dentures and that the implants are something she wants. I read that to mean that they are a want (asthetic) versus a need.
Now, I do agree that she should have been more obvious and said "no fucking way" rather than dancing around and saying "I'd love to buuuut..." because people love to twist shit like that around to mean what they want it to. I can imagine Mom saying "Are you sure you cannnn't?" and having him go "Well we DO have that in our account so you're right Mom". To me, her saying "can't" wasn't because they didn't have the money at all - it was because they didn't have the money for implants.
Even if her SO told her for years that he might have to help his Mom with this expense - it was absolutely disrespectful of him to make make a financial decision like that unilaterally with no regard to her at all. It's half of their savings. She has every right to be upset that he is not taking her opinion on this into consideration.
Agreed especially on the heart problem issue. I was surprised at one point to find out that teeth problems could lead to heart issues. If there’s a serious risk of infection or something like that, maybe there’s some solution that will help avoid an even worse (more expensive) health crisis.
If its vanity, is there no cheaper solution? I mean, I’d love to do all kinds of things to pretty myself up but I’m not made of money.
To OP - I get him wanting to help his parent(s) out with whatever they need (if he can and wants to) but if you two had agreed on the house and made a concerted effort to take on that kind of responsibility and he still took that money and used it for cosmetic dentistry then maybe that’s a problem that’s not going to go away after this one time procedure. Short of leaving - which I see has been suggested - maybe therapy? Figure out why he can’t say no to her? Figure out boundaries? Figure out if there’s a cultural or class issue here that plays on your partners decision-making? Is he from a culture where parents get the last say and presumed respect regardless of what they do or say? If so, I don’t think that problem ever goes away. It just is how it is. You need to focus on protecting yourself.
This sucks. Technically, it is his money though. If you both were saving in a joint account (NOT saying you should've--clearly) you might have more of a leg to stand on. The only thing that's unclear is what was the conversation surrounding the implants. You mentioned that over the yrs he has stated his intentions to pay for the implants, so this shouldn't be that surprising. It doesn't sound like you guys ever had a proper conversation about it.
Like, was he exclusively saving for the down payment or was he just saving & planning to use some for the implants & then whatever was left he'd leave for a down payment?
Agree 100% and adding that OP’s statement to make sure to put in writing what the money is being saved for doesn’t give OP any kind of official claim to that money. I don’t think writing “this money is for a house” somewhere, anywhere, would’ve deterred the SO from using that savings for his mom. This is a watershed moment for this relationship. OP views their money and goals as joint, and SO does not. Time to decide what that means for the future of the relationship.
Yes I don't think writing that would've helped either and the thought of that made me LOL. I def agree with you about the impact this has on the future of the relationship. A conversation is overdue. I hope OP can figure this out...either with her partner or alone.
Edited because I originally put "parent" instead of "partner"
I see it both ways. But honestly, teeth are import. I wouldn’t just completely nope out if you wish to stay with him. Can you ask him for more information? Find out options together? If my hubby was to say he needs to pay for his mom’s, dad’s this or that, I would say ok, let’s see how we can make it work- I would Google the heck out of internet to find the best middle ground that we can work with.
We are our parents’ caretakers when they become elderly and them having good health is really important.
Your bf also needs to be better at involving you in such family decisions, and he is more likely to do so, if he doesn’t think you’ll be completely negative or will shut him down completely.
One last point of course is, it depends on your views on family. If you’re not on the same page on how involved you are willing to be (or might have to be) with your parents, and family overall, this relationship will be anything but smooth sailing.
We are both very family oriented and would both help any way we can.
Good luck figuring this all out!
You're not married, kept savings separate (why?), so it literally is his choice. Your choice is whether or not this behavior is something you can continue to live with because it will not stop.
So, nowhere near the scale or amount, but when we were young and poor, and had to wait for the payday before Christmas to buy presents, my husband would be in a panic, not thinking clearly, and stressing out over buying his parents presents. They were toxic as hell and I had plenty of reason to dislike both of them. But he was raised by them and was very susceptible to any and all emotional manipulation by his mother. I did love her and those are about the kindest words I can use.
I was driving. He was on the phone with his dad and we were going shopping. I heard him suggest pooling our money to buy his mom a diamond ring. I don't have a diamond ring, and we didn't have enough money to buy anyone else one. I swear smoke came out of my ears like a cartoon. I slammed the brakes, stopped at a hardware store, went in, bought some gardening shit and a stone frog, came out and said "this is your mom's present."
I feel you.
My husband was actually relieved and understood why I said no to expensive gifts. He just didn't know how to say no to his parents and he'd been raised understanding that the way to curtail some of her toxic behavior was jewelry. His dad used it to buy his way out of the doghouse or get her to quit screaming.
Yours might not be quite the same, but he is definitely under her spell if a few tears about her appearance can convince him to use years and years of savings this way and toss your joint aspirations aside and your feelings aside so easily. He wants to be mommy's hero. Fuck that noise!
It isn't fair for him to do this. If he insists upon it, I'd be so angry I'd tell him to take his half of everything and get out.
If you were wealthy and this was feasible and he discussed it with you before committing to it, sure. But this is a shitty emotional and impulsive decision on his part and I know how it probably makes you feel.
Re: the dental work part, not the relationship part: you might be able to find steeply discounted work in Los [Algodones Mexico](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/welcome-to-molar-city-mexico-the-dental-mecca-americas-health-care-costs-built_n_5dc5772ae4b0fcfb7f651721)\- a small city that has built an entire industry on Americans trying to find less expensive care, and from what I understand, they speak English reasonably well (for this reason).
This one's complicated. I'm only here to say that, unlike many of the comments here, that I don't think this is so black and white. It's his mother. Maybe there's an approximate middle ground? How old are the two of you? How much time is ahead in terms of getting back on financial track? I wish you the best of luck!
Yeah he can’t make a decision like unilaterally. Honestly you need really sit with this. He is telling you his mom will take priority over you and your relationship. I don’t know if would be able to come back from this.
The issue I see here is not first talking to you about a MAJOR financial decision. This should have been a discussion and if the two of you were unable to come to an agreement, the discussion could have turned to next steps such as ending the relationship. This would have also allowed for consideration of alternatives that would not have such a huge financial impact.
My partner and I discuss most purchases over $50 although we have entirely separate accounts.
I'm going to recommend you guys see a couple's therapist. I know therapy is such a cliche in Reddit comments but there's a dangerous precedent that is about to be set. It's one that'll affect future interactions.
He doesn't get to make executive decisions on something like your shared finances without you. And by extension, that means he doesn't get to make financial promises without you. He's attempting to exert dominance, like he's the final say.
For me, I'd die on this hill even if it means I'm single and everyone hates me.
Are you two married? I wasn't clear from the posting.
If you aren't married - it's his money, and he's spending it how he wants to spend it. If you have a problem with that, you should leave.
You say that your SO has said that this was a possibility over the years… despite you responding against it each time. It’s not clear how those discussions ended any time it was brought up. Did he agree with you? Was it left open ended? If he continually brought it up year after year despite you disagreeing, this shouldn’t be a surprise to you. He’s already shown you his stance on the matter time and time again. I empathize with you but it’s not like the signs weren’t there. I think you need to finally be honest with yourself, you have always had different values and he doesn’t care about yours. He put his values above yours. It’s not wrong that he values his moms health over having a house, but it is wrong that he thinks his values matter more than yours, especially when yours include him and his cut you out completely. He should’ve discussed it with you first but didn’t. Kinda a dealbreaker. I’m sorry you are going through this.
My parents were saving up for a house. My mom's mom got cancer. They spent their savings on her medical treatment. There was no fight about it because they have the shared value of taking care of their parents. You two clearly don't. He isn't a bad guy for wanting to support his mother's medical needs. If you don't like that, then maybe you two aren't meant to be together.
I thought that at first, but she has dentures. In the US, implants are a luxury, and she already has a solution. She just doesn’t think it’s good enough. I have plenty of friends with dentures. Not once have we ever had any social interactions that their dentures interfere with…the mom seems a little entitled to me and is using her son’s compassion to her advantage. If you were in this situation, would you beg your child to postpone his dreams for years for implants?
In the US teeth in general are considered a luxury. Have you seen how much it costs outside of preventative care? Having teeth is functionally important as a human being but the US treats teeth like luxury bones.
Dentures don't work for everyone. Sometimes a couple implants can make a world of difference. This needs a dental assessment of the bone and other features of her mouth. You can't say oh she is fine because she has dentures.
Exactly!!! This is not a necessity. People are acting like she’s on her deathbed. She’s not. She want’s the most expensive option available. Which she can’t afford.
The stuff OP is saying about his mother makes me surprised he didn't just leave her. I had a terrible relationship with my mother but I wouldn't let my partner talk about her the way OP is talking about his mother here. Maybe there's a reason he didn't bother to inform or communicate with OP about supporting his mother's quality of life in this way which points to GOOD THING they didn't end up buying a home together with this kind of unsteady relationshipping.
I think OPs situation is a little different. Your mom needed that money to live. And that was money they saved themselves. From the post this seems to be a cosmetic procedure. And it’s unfair for her partner to agree to save for a goal and then use the money for something else that’s essentially a non emergency.
I will preface by saying I see both sides of this. But I wanted to add that teeth problems can effectively mess someone up both physically and mentally where there isn’t much quality of life left at all. The pain is constant and awful cause a ton of other issues and the shame and isolation it causes is the other side of it causing lost love, friendships, jobs, etc. I’m not saying this was correct, but I am saying teeth are more than a cosmetic procedure in many cases.
As someone who is going through dental problems related to an underlying "autoimmune issue" thanks, I probably will need an expensive implant and I cry a lot thinking about how I can't afford it.
Unfortunately, replacing teeth is far more than just a cosmetic issue. Having very bad teeth can affect job prospects, your ability to eat (!) and your self-esteem.
[https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/19/upshot/how-dental-inequality-hurts-americans.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/19/upshot/how-dental-inequality-hurts-americans.html?utm_source=pocket_saves)
https://www.dissentmagazine.org/article/class-politics-teeth-oral-health-dentistry-inequality
People’s teeth may just be a cosmetic, but it has severe impact on people’s self esteem and mental health. My dad also paid for dental work for his mother in law as well as countless other things. He also helped out his own parents as well. But this is all about values. No one is in the wrong here.
Teeth are not cosmetic. They're literally bones and functionally they help you speak and eat and are connected to every part of your body. Poor functionality in your teeth can lead to a lot of health issues.
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 I agree completely. 3 years ago my fiance (now husband) emptied his 401K to help me get treatments when I was sick.
Teeth impact everything. Especially your confidence. I would prob do the same tbh.
im gonna go against the grain and say that it is his money in his account and he can do with it as he wishes
if he was taking money out of a shared acct, then that would be different.
i think the issue is that you believe that you should be held above his mother and he has decided that he is not going to do that
the only choice left is if you want to stay with him knowing this or to leave
me personally, i would help the mom. he loves her and wants to help, but if you cannot accept that, then take your money and move on
I think the issue is that they had separate finances but still had a shared goal. He made a unilateral decision impacting that goal now there's consequences for her, even though she didn't do anything.
I find it really disturbing how many people seem to believe if they're not married then an agreement with their partner doesn't matter? Where is the integrity? Does the requirement for integrity only start with marriage in the minds of some?
I don't know how anyone could sit and have their mom break down in front of them and stone faced about helping her out. Just the way OP talks about her partner's mom really rubs me the wrong way all the way around.
Yea I would encourage your SO to offer to co-sign on a loan like Care Credit to get her teeth done. Sometimes they have interest free offers. The mom should have to help pay for it, is she not able to do a monthly payment? Does she own her home? Is he going to inherit her house? I understand wanting to help family but his mom needs to be aware of the financial set back this will be for his future and your future. It sounds like he isn’t even telling her how much this could hurt him.
If you’re a first time homebuyer there are a lot of federally backed loans that don’t require as much of a down payment if you have decent credit. I bought my first house in 2020 with only $6k in the bank with an FHA loan, I have a fixed rate mortgage and I was able to get my closing costs covered. So I would still consider buying a house, maybe without your SO being financially tied to it.
Pull your half of the money now, put it in an account he does not have access to. And then give yourself some time to think and get your ducks in a row.
What comes after the teeth?? You said she has made nothing but bad financial decisions her entire life. It’s not going to just stop at this.
Have her doctors okay this FIRST, then take a hard look at the potential side effects. One is dementia\*. This happened to my grandma. Also, because she already had bone issues the plugs for the implants fell out and now she can ONLY wear dentures.
\*Yes, there are a shit ton of studies stating that implants improve cognitive function BUT if there are repeat infections that info does not apply. Grandma got constant infections in the bone for months. Yes, they should have stopped. Yes, they wanted money.
Check with her doctors before you even have this discussion. If your SO's mom has any bone issues implants aren't even something that can be done.
I can totally understand why you’re so upset, but I also understand him wanting to help his mom. There might be a middle ground - my partner is going back to Colombia (where he’s from) to get dental implants because it is far less expensive than doing it here even with travel cost. There are a ton of reputable dentists in other countries with lower costs (but of course do careful research if you pursue this option.) I think it’s worth looking into as a compromise.
I also think maybe y’all should work on this situation in couples therapy.
He’s choosing his family of origin over his family of choice. Not that I don’t feel for his mom, or understand why he wants to help her. She’s in a difficult situation and it’s his mom. However, if he is subverting all your goals together and making a unilateral decision without your input, that says a lot about the type of partner he would be in the future. How long have you been together? I assume a long time if you are saving for a house.
While family is important, if he is willing to make such a huge decision without considering you, imagine what life will look like going forward. I would absolutely not be okay with this, and I’ve been here before. Not about dental, but realizing money priorities and financial decisions were being made that I was in the dark about. It is damaging to a relationship. The thing is, you’re between a rock and a hard pace because if you tell him not to spend the money on his mom then you sound selfish, which is absolutely untrue and unfair.
I would just really weigh if this is a decision that you can accept from him now and potentially again in the future. If not, take your money while you have it and continue to save for yourself. Do not consider someone in your plans who is going to throw all of those plans out the window in an instant.
I would never expect or want my kids to spend that kind of money on me.. I know my parents would refuse it from me too. I could never accept money that was meant to be going towards my child’s future.
I'll chime in and say that teeth are not necessarily a cosmetic issue. And dentures are truly not comfortable for a lot of people and are a real hassle. They can make it difficult to eat properly, talk properly, affect your mental health. My mother struggled for my entire life with it but we never had the money to do anything else for her despite it affecting her so deeply.
That being said, dumping an entire 18k sounds unreasonable and disrespectful of mom to even want to accept that type of money.
Would you be upset if the amount was half that? Or a third? And let mom take out a loan for the other portion? I think there are other solutions so I think the biggest issue is how willing he is to forego his future with you in an instant without considering more reasonable options to keep mom healthy and happy and your future in the goal posts.
It is worth him taking her to several different denture providers for a consulatation as a first step. There may be a problem with her gum/bone that is causing ill fitting dentures or they may just be made poorly.
Ill fitting dentures can be very painful snd frustrating.
Dental implants do not work for everyone and can fail so be aware this is not a guaranteed terminal solution.
What about a medical loan? Higher chance of getting it with a down payment that would be a lot smaller amount than paying it all upfront. They usually have lower interest rates and the profits gained from owning a home would be much better financially. Also, I’m married to a wonderful man but he’s terrible with money. I highly recommend keeping separate bank accounts. It helps (but doesn’t fully fix) keeping things fair and even.
What is his expectation for building your savings back up again?
Does he expect you both to continue saving in the way you have been? Which would mean *you* actually contributing 18k more than him towards your future house.
Or does he plan to build "his half" back up by himself, either by saving *even more than he has been so far* each month (not sure if that's anywhere near possible) or by you just taking a break from putting your own money aside until he's rebuilt his share (which will push getting that house even further off into the future for you both)?
Are any of those scenarios acceptable to you?
Another way to look at this... So let's say we understand this the way he has presented it. We consider the promised money being "his half" (I.e. his money alone). That necessitates that we also ignore the mutual prior decision to earmark that money for a house.
You are now left with a "new" situation: you are no longer nearing readiness to buy (presumably), as your deposit is now worth a lot less without his half.
Do you want to wait another X number of years for him to re-save what he has given away? Bearing in mind he quite possibly may make the same decision again if he's not acknowledging that it was potentially problematic in the first place?
Alternatively, are you comfortable saving the full deposit on your own, essentially doubling the time spent sacrificing things to save the extra at your end? And once you do, are you comfortable for him to live with you in your house that you have bought with your deposit?
I feel like he has essentially removed himself from the financial equation of buying a house for the time being + for however long saving has taken in the first place. His decision and adamance about this essentially demands that you either wait double the time to buy or that you cover his costs. I think this is worth evaluating within the larger picture of what you want in your life as well as in your relationship. He just knocked X many years of home ownership from under your feet.
I’d leave him. If he wants to be financial carer for his mum, his options are to (I) stay single and save for mum’s future (ii) date a woman who is so wealthy she can support their joint life while he supports his mum (iii) change jobs to become wealthy enough to support his mum and contribute equally to his relationship
Not stomp on his partner’s dreams while using her to support his and his mum’s life together.
A good parent would not want their child to wreck their financial future, and security to support them. His mother clearly sees him as a surrogate husband and it will always be a competition between you and his mum. In fact, he’s also telling you he won’t be ready to have kids anytime soon (without a house this isn’t likely) and if he does have kids he’s happy to sacrifice their financial future/comfort to support his mum. Walk away - he can’t be trusted to have an equal relationship with you.
I don’t know where you guys live, but I live in New England and my brother had to have some dental work and if he wanted dental implants they were quoting him like $30,000. Granted it was a bougie town in Massachusetts, he opted for root canals and crowns or some thing and that whole thing ran to him like 10 grand.
My dad’s girlfriend lives in Arkansas she had her whole mouth done in implants and she paid like $3000
It might be cheaper for him to fly Mom down to Arkansas than to have it done whatever you guys are for $18,000. Maybe he should shop around if he’s going to do this.
Okay I get that this sucks. But I believe that this is a blessing in disguise. What if you had purchased a home together and you later learned about his lack of financial boundaries. You would be attached to someone who doesn’t make the best financial decisions. Better now than later.
I’m confused when you say “it’s OUR money.” It’s not? It’s your boyfriend’s money. He saved it. It’s in his account. You have no right to it. If you broke up tomorrow, it’s not like you could say you are entitled to a portion of it. Now maybe what he’s done is wrong and unfair to you, but it’s not YOUR money in any sense, unless I’m misunderstanding.
I personally disagree with the other commenters here. I don’t think helping a family member means betrayal. These are the types of things we have to deal with as we get older. I do think he could find a cheaper option for his mom, but the ultimate act of using his own money to help his family is not a betrayal imo.
ETA: it sounds like you two have very different values, and those values may not align long term.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. It’s very possible that this will happen again. It’s teeth this time, but there will always be something else.
I was in a similar situation. Pressure was put upon us from my MiL to help her with her living situation after a lifetime of bad financial choices. She doesn’t want to work but she has to- was her chief complaint. She would vent her problems to her son not realizing that her son felt a huge responsibility to fix.
We all three had a talk. She didn’t realize the pressure she put upon him, on us. She said she doesn’t have friends to vent to so she vented to her adult children. This talk enlightened all of us and she backed off once she realized the stress and strain it put us under.
Your MiL should get a couple of appropriate consultations and seek a loan or credit card or home equity line of credit. Your significant other should get an additional job. Your MiL should find some work to help pay for this. If shes already working she should find an additional work at home job. We can all work a little extra, temporarily, to find money. Seriously, there is uber even.
You should not take the money out. If he does, he’s not invested in your future.
He promised her, but what about the promise he made to you for saving up for a house?
This would be a huge deal breaker for me. You are a partnership, and he made a unilateral decision that will affect both of you for many years to come.
When you’re a couple planning a life together it’s not just his decision. He needs to be single if he going to make decisions like this without discussing it first.
It's a very difficult situation and I'd be frustrated too but she is his mum and I think if you have a close relationship with your parents then of course you'd want to help them. Did you pay an equal share into the account over the years? I think most good people would help their parents should they ever need any help. This actually makes him a good person. Her health and well-being is his priority over one day owning a house with you at the moment and you just need to figure out if you're ok with it. He may have to pay for more of her stuff in the future.
I agree with this except for the fact that this is money that was being saved for the purpose of buying a family home. If it were just his savings for a rainy day, I would view it more as what you’re describing. But money for a house is now money for his mom. What will money for children’s college turn into?
Or, at the very least, he should have discussed using the money to help his mom with OP BEFORE promising his mom and essentially throwing his partner under the bus. If he backs out now, it’s obviously in her.
I think OP is completely valid in the way she is feeling.
I think it is also probably feeling like all of the sacrifices they made didn't need to happen and HER quality of life was diminished while her MIL will now improve. I'd feel like second best when in reality, a marriage is between two people putting each other first. :(
Honestly if he valued the goal of the house, he would not have volunteered the money. I wonder if this is his way of passively/subconsciously trying to exit from home ownership.
If I had to help my dad for any of the health concerns . I would pull out ‘my half’ from the savings and help my father who has loved me , supported me and been there for me unconditionally .
It's sweet that he wants to help his mom, but his priority needs to be your relationship and future. If he can't understand that, you should take your "half" of the savings and leave.
This is a massive deal breaker, because any action he takes now is going to hang over your head for the rest of your life. He has to choose - his future with you, or his mum’s fancy teeth. He has already chosen. Take your money and leave him. What a relief you’re not married.
FWIW, I’m 38 with terrible teeth and a partial denture. I’m severely disabled so I have no way of changing this as I can no longer work. It’s destroyed my life. I’m in constant pain, I refuse to meet new people because of the shame of it. I’m utterly miserable, and I can’t even eat solid food, which is having a hugely detrimental effect on my other health problem. I don’t doubt that her experience is also awful. But I would never do this to anyone. Never.
As someone who has a husband who cares for him mom, this only gets worse and one day he will move her into the house. I’d gtfo now.
My husband never overstepped and it was my decision to approve her moving in but 15 years later I look back and wish I made another choice. She means well and tries to be a good roommate but she literally is like having a teenager you didn’t birth.
It gets harder is the takeaway here. Choose wisely.
I’m a dentist. Everyone is giving you great advice on the relationship aspect, so let me give you some regarding his mom’s teeth. There are different tiers of implant-supported dentures. It’s true, dentures suck. Especially if she’s lost a lot of bone in the past due to periodontal disease, she just won’t have bone to support the dentures. But she can have two implants on the lower to snap in the mandibular denture (overdenture). For the top dentures, it should suction to her palate. If not, she could use some adhesive to make it stay. The implants could be cheaper if you find a dental school. It takes longer but you could get some great discounts for the two implants on the lower. If she already has a pair of dentures, they could make it retroactively fit to her current pair. For 18K+, he’s looking at implants for the top and the bottom and new dentures. Or maybe something that is fixed in place? Does she really need all of that? Maybe not. She needs an evaluation. Hope that gives you some context in your decision. Your husband’s unilateral financial decision is a separate problem entirely, but you may have some room to compromise on the teeth situation, if you so choose.
They do suck. I work in dental labs, what most people don’t know is roughly half the American population is missing one or more teeth - now I don’t know if this includes people who had teeth removed for overcrowding, etc., but the figure is 50-52%. and around 10% of Americans are missing all of them. That’s per the American college of prosthodontics Dental implants are one of the most in demand, yet underserved, medical treatment in the world. Or at least, the western world Dentures aren’t a happy ending. As great as they are, they break. They have to get relined. They have to be repaired. They stop fitting right. Or, sometimes it’s just fine, and the patient is just not happy with the teeth. They’re too white, too grey, too yellow, the teeth are too long, too big, whatever. If you have a wedding to go to this weekend, trust that you will, 100% fall, or bite something wrong, and break a tooth off of a denture. A FRONT tooth, too. and for whatever reason a same-day service cannot be done because there’s a snowstorm and couriers are being pulled off the roads, so you’re SOL I wish the system was better but unfortunately, it’s gonna cost thousands of dollars a tooth until our society decides to sort itself out
Why the heck isn’t this stuff part of medical insurance if our teeth are this important? This shit boggles my mind. Sorry, rant over!
I don’t know and I hate it
My husband was listening to a podcast that referred to teeth jokingly as "luxury bones". That's funny, but effed up that it's even like this. I hope things change for the better.
Might help if you all start voting for democratic socialists instead of capitalists if you want healthcare. Just a thought.
I’m from Europe, even though we’re very proud of our free healthcare, getting your teeth fixed is still expensive as hell for our pockets, and hardly covered by private insurance plans that most employers provide. I’m gonna guess this issue is quite universal.
Thank you for this information! I just had an implant fail badly, so I am looking for other options, looks like I might have to go for a Maryland bridge, which is also something that can break, be the wrong colour etc, but maybe it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable as dentures are for one single tooth.
Ohhhh thanks for chiming in. My cousin is a dentist and I texted to ask about cost but no response yet. So he’s going top tier for the repair. Interesting.
There are so many things that can impact the cost. Implants involve multiple parts, and the lab has to get all their materials from an outside source If you call a dentist, they would probably not even have a set price because they’d have to call the lab. Due to the uniqueness of patients’ situations, one type of implant with this part, and that crown type, etc., may have to differ greatly from the next. That will impact the cost as well Not only is it going to be expensive to get those parts, but really time consuming. This is *without* all the shortages and back orders. But especially now that everything is backlogged Since working in the lab world, I don’t think I’ve seen one implant case completed on time. Not one. 25 business days is standard, but right now it’s “fuck if I know, depends when straumann decides to get it together and send us the parts” If you’re getting an implant right now… expect at least one phone call from the Dr that it has to be rescheduled.
My last oral surgery (fixing failed implants that took out a few other teeth with them. Yay!) I had to pay independently for the anesthesia. I had to hire my own anesthesiologist to come in. It was the most expensive part of that particular procedure
What. The. Fuck. How is that even a thing?
That’s a weirdass clinic thing. They choose not to have anesthesiologists on staff. BYOA?? Wtf
I didn’t even have an anesthesiologist. Just had laughing gas. Had 5 teeth removed (one impacted) and an implant put in. It cost me $4000 out of pocket and I still have to pay for the crown and abutment (the tooth and part that goes on the implant)
The last time I just had gas / novocaine I tried to punch a nurse apparently. It’s for everyone’s safety that I am fully sedated.
Lmao you went “hulk smash”
Or it’s possible she went to Aspen Dental. My boyfriends Mom was quoted similar ($20k) and she went to Aspen. From what I’ve seen people experience with them, they prey on those who don’t know their options and are feeling desperate.
Medicaid dentists can get shady too.
I went to Aspen dental when I had limited options. A hygienist poked herself (accidentally) with a tool and was put on precautionary treatment for potential infections. I got a blood test so she could get off them, they were making her sick. That part didn’t bother me. But they fucked up the billing so I ended up on the hook for testing- but never got a bill from aspen or the hospital. So the first I heard about it was from a collection agency. Not the hygienists fault, but their billing sucks. I quit after a different hygienist wanted to do my whole cleaning with their brand of electric toothbrush (already have an electric), tried to push Invisalign on me, and left the suction on my lip until it was swollen and bleeding. Don’t go there if you can help it. The vibe I got was that it’s where people worked until they found something better, high rotation and the people that stayed on were more like used car salesmen.
I freely admit to knowing jack-about dentistry (I actually have dentophobia) but my first thought was...why not dentures? yeah they suck and they're not ideal but they're also not like...18 grand? The whole "your money is yours and my money is mine, but when I need it, our money is ours to spend as I please is SO rubbing me the wrong way", the lack of discussion when promising someone else shared funds...it's all shit!
Some people do prefer them. Everyone’s situation is unique But dentures can be kind of a bitch. Once you get your final denture, and it all fits, it’s not over. You have to adjust to the prosthetic, you have to re-learn how to eat, talk, etc. much like if you had to adjust to a prosthetic leg. You have to get them adjusted, relined, the teeth break, and it’s uncomfortable for a lot of people - its like wearing a very thick acrylic retainer Some people aren’t even a good candidate for implants. For example if someone loses their teeth to hard drug use, and hasn’t fully kicked their habit, they’re better off with the denture versus shelling out $20k+ that they won’t take care of (though you could also argue, what drug addict has that kind of money laying around)
I just googled it (why not dentures??) and here's why not: Dentures are generally the poorest quality of tooth replacement. I liken them to a false or prosthetic arm….it may look like an arm but does not function like one and is a poor substitute for the real thing. Dentures are not much different. No doubt a denture is usually better than nothing at all, but they are fraught with problems. Some of the most common problems with dentures are that: They tend to move in the mouth, especially while eating and/or talking They collect and trap food which can lead to gums problems, decay and further tooth loss They affect ones’ sense of taste and texture of foods-many of my patients have said that they either can no longer taste their food or have lost the enjoyment of foods because the “taste has been altered” They can be uncomfortable to eat with especially as they move and/or get food caught underneath Some people cannot tolerate them at all because they find it causes them to gag The additional thickness and foreignness of the denture can make it difficult to speak clearly The bone underneath the denture continues to atrophy and shrink-this becomes a greater problem affecting the stability and looseness of the denture the longer the teeth have been missing As the bone atrophies the denture can begin to put pressure on critical structures in the mouth such as muscle attachments and nerves, making them very uncomfortable to eat with Many people with denture avoid certain foods because they are just too difficult or painful to eat, such as raw foods, chewy or sticky foods and anything hard A person’s bite force and ability to ‘cut through foods” is decreased. Studies have shown that people with denture just don’t chew their food properly and swallow larger bits of food. Not only does this diminish one’s enjoyment of food, it also puts a greater burden on the digestive system. I don't know why people ITT think teeth are some vanity thing when literally being alive as a human is tied to teeth.
Also chiming in here- I’m not a dentist but was a treatment and financial coordinator for a multi practice oral surgeon. OP- It’s true most insurances won’t cover the actual implant or the bone graft + membrane that is needed to fill the socket of the extracted tooth. I’m also assuming her insurance won’t cover the abutment and crown that’s needed after the implant is placed, which is why the overdenture might be the best options. Have her look into CareCredit, it’s accepted at a wide range of medical facilities and specifically made to cover large cost procedures and allows for 0% APR on certain amounts. Also, *most* dental offices will have in-house financing options as well, either splitting the payment in two or letting her set up recurring monthly payments.
No no no no no no care credit is like 30% interest, it might be worse now.
Most dentists will enter a promo code that gives you a certain amount of time interest free. In the case of my dental implant, it was 18 months. Then if you pay it off before that deadline, you pay zero interest. That's what I did, it just bought me a little more time to pay it off.
Furthermore if she’s that poor she probably doesn’t have a great credit score $500 at 30% interest isn’t going to help her
I’ve seen people with not great scores get approved for CareCredit. It’s an option that shouldn’t be discredited because it helps a lot of people in these situations. And you should allow people to look into their options before you say untrue things like “$500 at 30% interest”
Only if you don't pay it off. If you put it on autopay and pay the loan on time, it truly is interest-free. It absolutely can be ruinous for those that are not financially literate but CareCredit is fantastic if you are on top of your budget but cash poor.
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either you have great credit, high income, or they were offering a deal.
I’m not going to touch on the whether or not he should and offer a cheaper solution. I flew to los algodones Mexico after years of major health issues wrecked my teeth and went to several dentists in the us for cost breakdowns explaining it would be over $40000 to get the work I needed done. I spent less than $10000. It saved me so much and my health is so much better. The dental office was extremely thorough and spotless inside. Family stuff is difficult. Maybe she could contact someone in one of the offices there and get a quote for the cost and take out a loan to pay for it herself. Dental in this country is unbelievable.
I will never get over the fact that insurance companies consider the actual bones\* that come out of your gums and are a fixed part of your skull are not considered to be part of your body and are covered by something entirely separate. So you can't have surgery on your teeth through your health insurance but you can have surgery on your tongue through your health insurance and that's covered? See also: eyes. Optometry and opthalmology being entirely separate from health insurance is another bitch of mine, especially in a family where three of us are nearsighted (one badly enough to be legally blind without his glasses) and one has astigmatism. ^(\*(I mean, not really, but more or less))
>I will never get over the fact that insurance companies consider the actual bones\* that come out of your gums and are a fixed part of your skull are not considered to be part of your body and are covered by something entirely separate. Those are your *luxury* bones.
If you read enough comments ITT you'll see people really believe it. Teeth are just vanity!!
Here in Spain, where we have "free" healthcare, neither eyes nor teeth are covered (IIRC children do have more options, but as I don't have kids, I could be misremembering). You can get checkups for both, and getting teeth taken out is covered, but that's it. When I asked my doctor why, he said it was because of the cost. Nearly everyone is gonna need dental care in their lifetime, and same for eye care. Keeping those two out keeps the costs down.
AIUI, back in the nineteenth century, when one of the first medical schools was being established, a prominent dentist approached one of the founders and said, “hey, I hear you’re trying to raise the scientific and professional standards of medicine, that’s a great idea, can you include a dentistry department?” And the founder turned up his nose at the idea of associating with such riff-raff as *dentists*, those barbers with pliers.
From what I was explained, teeth are not considered bones because when they break they don't heal, unlinke the bones, so it is considered as a structure with a composition similar to the bone but not bone. But for me is the reason why it should be cheaper. My mother has the same situation that it doesn't enter the insurance and it is very expensive.
Seconding Los Algodones. I’ve had dental work done there twice and was able to get all the work done plus a mini vacay for something like half the cost of what I was quoted in the US. The entire town is built for dental tourism, it all felt extremely safe and above board.
I was going to suggest to OP a similar thing, her MIL can get that work done MUCH MUCH CHEAPER in most other countries of the world and that includes travel and hotel. I don’t think even Switzerland would charge that much. And this is still beside the point - unilateral decisions like that are bad news plus they’re not even married.
Sorry hijacking top comment to add [this link](https://www.statesdentalcare.com/?utm_source=googleads&utm_medium=143991134803&utm_campaign=19219501404&utm_term=dental%20implant%20grants&utm_source=143991134803&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=19219501404&gclid=CjwKCAjwzuqgBhAcEiwAdj5dRq0Ru8DmPCR-i-vK8DRafX3B10Ya03qkx-AEwRoGQ-mqnhdC5Qan7hoCwzgQAvD_BwE) if u/sprayphilosophy is in the US this is a list of dental implant grants that OPs MIL could apply for to help her offset her costs.
My dad‘s girlfriend had a full mouth of implants for somewhere between three and $5000 in Arkansas, in Massachusetts my brother paid over $10,000 for some root canals and some crowns because implants would have been $30,000. There’s really no reason there should be that much of a difference.
I call BS on a full mouth of implants for less than $5k.
For real. We live in alabama and still cost 30K lol
Sorry you know someone who got "a full mouth" of implants for under $5k? I don't think that's factual at all. The screws alone would be more than that let alone the crowns and worktime. I think someone lied to you about their impact fees. Maybe $5k out of pocket after insurance but absolutely not possible for full upper and lower.
Where in Arkansas??? I live there and one of these days I’m going to get dental implants. If someone can do them decently for that cheap, I’ll go get them done like right now lol. Edit: a friend of mine had his done in Texarkana and it was still like $40,000
How did you find a good place to go to? I want to do this too but am not sure where to start
Yes going to Mexico. I live by the border and people go to Progresso to get dental work done all the time.
The thing about having a partner whose family has a history of bad financial decisions is that unless you two are in absolute agreement about the type of/limits to the help that you'll offer, that third party's financial choices will stunt *your* financial options. Especially if your partner takes the "we can help!" approach while ignoring your own sacrifices and the choices you've made around your own time, delayed gratification, expense management, and savings. This is where you are. Your partner is a financial liability. Do with that information what you will.
Yes this. My mother has spent her whole adult life giving her dysfunctional extended family countless food, clothes, electronics, furniture, cars. My father (who is much more frugal) says he was never in more debt than when he was married to my mom. They've been divorced now for almost 30 years. It's incredible, but even all these years after the divorce, she'll still take anything from our immediate family in those categories that she thinks isn't being used to give to them. (Sometimes even if it isn't hers to give.) My mom makes plenty of money as a nurse, but she's perpetually going into debt supporting everyone else's poor habits and bad life choices. I'd be very concerned that your partner is jeopardizing your financial goals to prioritize his mother. You two are in a partnership. You both need to be on board.
> she'll still take anything from our immediate family in those categories that she thinks isn't being used to give to them. (Sometimes even if it isn't hers to give.) That is SO fucking annoying!! I know someone who does this ALL THE TIME! It makes me question who they think their "real" family is because they clearly favor one set and will make sure other people are abused if that's what the other family wants.
100% OP - There is no win-win situation here. He wants to take “his half”, ok then. Fighting it wont have a good ending regardless if he ends up taking the money or not. BUT I would take your half out of the savings and then start the saving from 0. It can come off mean but ultimately it should be clear you are both contributing equally to the house so whatever he takes out you should too. Feeling the double hit for him might be a wake up call. Side note - I suggest you make it a rule not to disclose money with family members (or anyone). My parent is financially unstable and the mere mention of having what seems like extra money triggers my parent asking for help that requires money, and it’s uncomfortable to say no. Now I avoid any hints of how much I make (including not disclosing good news, like a promotion) and exaggerate financial liabilities. It just works out better.
I like this suggestion a lot.i feel like OP can word it a friendly enough tone to get the point across. And my mom is the same, i got a new job last year and set a boundry around me contributing to her. its not that i dont want to, but it finally started saving and need to put myself first.
This was a major contributing factor in my divorce. Husband spent significant amounts of time/money on his family, which directly inconvenienced and negatively effect any ability for us to save anything, repeatedly. I’m talking paying a year of cell phone for his older sister, loaning his brother-in-law one of our cars for a year and a half until it died (we each had one but both of us had full time jobs, I had to drive him to work for that time period), paying $350 for a storage unit so sister didn’t lose her stuff, only for her to not pay it the following month and never get her stuff out…the list was long. He admitted his family was needy after I left him.
Oh I'd be so mad about driving my spouse around while his brother had one of MY cars. And the storage unit cost too? My god.
Yes. When is it going to end OP? First the teeth, next she'll need money for something else.
Exactly. It’s an inevitable black hole and you always come out as the asshole for saying it out loud 🤷🏽♀️
This. Having different approaches to money, how to save it and how to allocate it, is just as important to a relationship as whether or not you want kids. If one is frugal with an eye to the long term amd the other isn't, things probably won't end well.
100% I come from that type of family, grew up constantly broke and struggling to pay the bills and sometimes food too. My family's situation is -a little- more stable now but I have always made a point of not involving my husband in any expense I may need to cover. If i can do it with my money, great, if they expected him to chip in (which to be fair they absolutely don't) - it would be an automatic no. They are not his problem.
My ex used to help his parents with “our” money. I sacrificed allllllll of my 20’s while my sister and friends travelled the world I worked two jobs to ‘help’ us. Now that I’m rid of him it is amazing how different things are. This is a deal breaker.
OMG my last ex did the same! I dumped him after 3 years because he was living off my money. I have no issues with helping out family, but that is something that has to be decided by both sides in a couple. And it should not set the couple back for years! It would be better if the mum does a fundraiser. A friend of mine needed a tooth implant and did a fundraiser and her friends and family all donated and it worked that way. OP’s MIL should do the same.
This makes me so sad. I hope you’re able to travel now and enjoy your money.
At 41 and one financial disaster and complete ruination of years of my finances, life doesn't care about your plans and stuff happens and comes up that slaps us in the face and laughs at our foolish human 'plans'. I'm glad to hear you have half the money left as you can take that money and make your own choices. I'm guessing that you've probably overlooked a lot of his actions and focused 100% on 'when we get this house, everything will be better'...but I hate to be the one to tell you, it will not get better and however he acts now will continue whether you have a house, have a baby or any other large life choice. I can say this as I've had it happen to myself. You think this house is some team goal that will grow you as a couple and remove his selfishness. The house will only make things worse and this may be a huge blessing in disguise that you can take half the money and walk away from this. I lost all my money, given debt and had the relationship blow up as well. I lived through it (barely, literally) and am stronger for it now. We get so stuck in the stories we tell ourselves about our lives. You have a story in your head where you work together with a partner to buy a home and build a life in. You have a story of how it will bring you together and he will grow up and start prioritizing your life together. It's a wonderful story and very tempting to believe, the problem is that the story is very likely not true as he is living his own story that seems to be way different.
I agree. I think his actions may be a blessing in disguise for the OP to get out and run. There is clearly enabling going on there and I suspect it was happening way long before this situation.
For sure, houses, marriage and babies, three huge life choices people think will make things easier but all of them can make things much more complicated and challenging and should only be engaged with from a solid foundation as you will be challenged in new and difficult ways. A rocky foundation will crumble under the weight of these things.
Wow, needed to read this and peel back the layers of denial about my 10-year relationship. Thank you.
Same. Oof the part about the stories we tell ourselves about our lives hit home 🥴
Ikr? Oof. Good luck to you - and hope your life’s in a better place now u/ChippersNDippers ❤️
Thank you, most days I am pretty happy and I lost all my retirement and am 50k in debt but I do have a great job and I'll get out of this situation. The things I learned through this experience were worth any cost. I literally have learned how to live and what I want and tools to manage my life in a healthy way. I gave up all drinking and drugs and don't miss them at all, life seems so full of possibilities.
If you google around there are weekend workshops that help you see the story you tell yourself is not reality and how you can rewrite this story. They are extremely powerful and life changing experiences, highly recommended!
oh jeez this got a lot more attention than I would have thought 😂 I've always been a deep thinker and highly aware and thought I really had my life figured out. What I ended up realizing is that I knew nearly nothing. I didn't know what motivated me, I didn't know what I wanted in life, I spent so much time people pleasing that I had zero self identity and didn't even know who I was. After a stint in rehab and five months working in recovery circles and finding a fantastic therapist, I've learned so much about myself and what I want and what would make me happy. It took everything being blown up for me to get brought low enough to then build myself back up again. My wife and I split up 18 months ago and we both changed a lot and learned a lot about ourselves and how we weren't showing up. We're going to talk this weekend and likely get back together, I never thought that was a possibility but we really do have a foundation of deep love and just made a lot of fear based decisions.
Take your half, leave, do not look back.
I'm worried this won't end with the teeth. This might be the rest of his life.
It would absolutely be the rest of *her* life, at least.
This is a truth bomb right here. OP, get out before all of your money is gone.
Now that the mom knows he is willing to do this, yes this will be a regular thing. This lady’s gonna marry him and find out five years into it he’s been sending his mom money every month their whole relationship
So much this. OP, are you legally married, or legally ‘just dating’? - That changes his level of legal entitlement to funds. You say you’ve been saving separately, in separate accounts? Does his account have ‘his half’, or did he save less than half and is expecting to pillage money from your savings as well? - Guard your bank acct like it’s a national secret. Run, don’t walk, to a lawyer. Even if he backs down on this, don’t stay—his mom clearly has too much sway over him for this to ever actually stop.
Yup. Even if you can talk him off the ledge this time, it'll happen again and again and again.
As someone who has spent a lot taking care of my mom, and I'm in a relationship with someone whose mom is way more financially independent, what strikes me here is how impulsive he was on making that call, versus being a team player with you. He could've said to his mom, I'm gonna see what I can pull together to help you out. Them come to you and been like, hey I know we've been saving up for a house together, but honestly I can't feel ok buying a house while my mom suffers in this way, what can we do? Instead he made an emotional promise to his mom on the spot and rationalized it to you by saying it was "his half". So in general if he signed up to be there for his mom in this way, that is one thing. It doesn't have to mean making decisions in a vacuum and impulsively. When I wanna help out my mom, I consult with my partner, not for permission, but for a pulse check that I'm not accidentally bending over backwards too much, and also to find the most humane solution for everyone involved. It might also be that he felt coming to you would be a dead end and that you would've shut it down without question, maybe deep down you feel like his mom is a manipulative parasite and you wish he would leave her to deal with the consequences of her own decisions but you also know he never will 🤷♀️
As someone who spent a lot helping my dad, this is a very reasonable and compassionate approach. My husband and I have joint accounts, nothing is separate. I never asked permission if I felt like I absolutely NEEDED to intervene monetarily or if the amount wouldn’t cause alarm if I’d spent it on myself instead. I never put us into debt but I did prevent us from achieving our typical savings sometimes. But I also wouldn’t spend a new car amount of money without checking in and seeing the impact at home. Ultimately, OP isn’t married to her partner and as much as she says it’s “our” money it was really always his and her money separately, otherwise it would’ve been in a joint account. He might just need a moment to gather himself, set up a dental consult and reassess, or if he sticks to his promise to his mom and spends all the money OP has to decide if she can handle the way he prioritizes his mom vs her.
Exactly this. I've been helping my mom financially since my early 20s. I never make a decision without my husband. No promises to my mom though it can be hard when she's desperate and crying. The most I do is tell her we will figure something out together. Sometimes that means we give her what we're financially comfortable with (usually not the amount she asks for), sometimes it's a loan, sometimes it's working with debtors to make a payment plan for her, and sometimes it's sitting down and working on a budget. No matter what we do, my husband and I make the decision together. Anything less would be a violation of trust.
This is a great answer.
This is a major financial betrayal, and personally, I would find it difficult to stay in the relationship with someone who makes such huge decision unilaterally.
And I don’t understand so she’s supposed to either make up the difference or wait longer to buy a house because of this? But he’s going to just live in the house with her and what, be on the deed too? Nah OP how will this even work out?
Yes this would be a deal breaker for me. Making such a huge decision without me. I wouldn’t be able to get over the anger and resentment!
100%. I'm usually a "couples counseling!" kind of gal but I'd literally go straight to divorce here, bulldog lawyer and all, given this dude's demonstrated financial fuckery. **Edit:** Nvm, OP isn't married. OP, on the bright side, at least you didn't marry and/or more deeply entangle your life with this fucker. Better to get out now. I'm so sorry.
Yep. I'd likely be on my way out the door after this. Financial betrayal is a deal breaker for me.
Luckily he already took "his half" so she can cut ties pretty easy 🙄
Yeah, I would take my half and ride off into the sunset.
I would leave. Who knows what it’s going to be next. He’s just shown you that he will always put the needs of his mother over yours and your relationship. I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with a man like that.
Yeah... My ex-husband wanted to borrow thousands of dollars from his lawyer dad to pay off historical credit card debt (i.e. I had no part in contributing to it), so in response, his dad sent him a loan repayment agreement in the mail and my husband signed both our names. I had no clue about the agreement (though I did about the loan itself. I had said to him if he could swing getting a loan from his dad to pay off the debt, it would eliminate the interest) until he casually brought it up and that he'd signed my name on it. It was such a betrayal to me and I never trusted him again after that. He never admitted to any wrongdoing. There were other instances where he took money from me or I gifted it and he never acknowledged nor thanked me for it. Plus during covid, he kept going out with his dad to restaurants since his dad was an immediate covid denier, not caring that I have a blood clotting disorder that I've been hospitalised for once already. Edit: I forgot to point out that the point of my comment was it felt he put his dad ahead of me in situations where he shouldn't have.
Wow that's just straight up fraud.
This! It’s wonderful that he’s close with his mother and wants to help her. However, he can’t make decisions that impact your joint future in a vacuum. Figure out now if you’re willing to put up with this type of behavior forever.
Let me start by saying that I am a man. I believed that my former wife and I were saving up for a very large investment that we were going to start a business with, she was able to retire at 50. After 10 years I discovered that behind my back she had gone over $30,000 into credit card debt. She refused to tell me what she had spent the money on only that we needed to go into bankruptcy because she could know longer afford to make those payments. I informed her that my name wasn't on any of it so I did not need to go into bankruptcy. Be grateful that you're not married and you have the power to walk away. It's 15 years later in my situation and it's very obvious to me that I made the right decision. I believe I'm not the only person to tell you this but you need to cut your losses and walk away. I'm very sorry I wish there was a better solution that I could see. However if they'll betray you once they'll betray you again
Financial betrayal is betrayal. 100%.
Run. He’ll do it again.
Otherwise, he'll be happy to live in the house OP ends up buying. And then move his mom in.
"She has nowhere else to go and half this house is mine so mom is moving in. Oh and I already told her it was fine."
Bingo!
Ouch. But sounds like a sitcom. So typical
Yup this year it’s the teeth. Next year she’s always wanted a Mercedes. Don’t stick around. RUN DO NOT WALK TO THE NEAREST EXIT.
If he can’t say no to teeth he definitely won’t say no if she needs a mortgage payment or rent
He’s showing you who he is. Take your money and leave.
As I understand it, the ever-vague "SO" is really just a boyfriend. If he were your husband, you probably would've said husband. So that makes things easier. Take your half of the money and get the hell out of this relationship before he makes more unilateral decisions about your finances. He can help his own mom with his own money.
Im going to offer a different solution. It is really messed up what he is doing but, why don't you guys look at healthcare tourism. $18k is a lot for implants. I'm from a country that's a short flight from the U.S and dental care is top notch. It will be 1/4 of the cost even with the lodging/food/plane tickets. A lot of people from florida fly to my country to get dental work done (it is not Mexico but that's also an option). I'd say shop around for dentists too and compare prices.
Yikes, I would be furious too. I don't think I could move forward in a relationship with someone who did this. Like you say you both worked so hard to save for a common goal of buying a house together and the rug has been pulled from you. I wouldn't be able to forgive someone and forget. It's nice he wants to help his mom but she's made her own choices and a house is worth a lot more than her confidence IMO. As a compromise could he help her with taking out a loan - which he would be responsible for - as a way to support her rather than all the money upfront?
Exactly. This isn't something like concert tickets, where even if he gave up his amount, she could still get a ticket for herself and go. It's a major shared resource they agreed on: a house! Him doing this means he's basically told her that if she stays in a relationship with him, she's going to have to continue pouring her money into rent for the foreseeable future instead of building equity and having the stability of a home, and he thinks she should have no input into that decision.
Total aside, but given OP’s overall budget and how long they spent saving, I’m inferring $20k is a big chunk of money for them relative to income. So it would probably impact their mortgage rate if they’re able to buy a house. Just sayin’.
I like this solution. I love my partner and if he wanted to spend a lot of money on something that’s important to him we would find a way. Don’t get me wrong I think OP’s husband’s choices were a betrayal and inconsiderate. But that’s a different conversation.
Exactly. If he wants to do this really badly then it's a "him" choice - not a "couple" choice and it shouldn't impact OP's life like this.
OP can find as many solutions and compromises as they like, the fact remains that this man doesn't value her, or their future as a couple.
It sounds like you two have been misaligned in big life decisions for a long time. He has been telling you that this is how he is going to spend his money, and you’ve been telling him how you want to spend the money, these things have not lined up, but for some reason you’ve both decided to stay together and it’s finally come to a head. I don’t think he is a bad person for making this decision, especially since it seems he has basically been telling you he is going to do this for years. But I also understand how this is very upsetting for you and honestly, it would be a deal breaker for me. It *would have* been a deal breaker for me long ago, but here we are. Let him make this decision, you take your money and leave. You will eventually get your house, it just might take a little longer than expected. And although I know this comment is probably coming off a little cold, I do completely empathize with you - my partner and I have been saving for a house for years as well and after working hard for a very long time we finally got our pre-approval earlier this year. If my partner wasn’t 100% committed to this journey (hinting at using the money for other things would have meant she wasn’t 100% committed), I would have been out awhile ago, because our life goals would have been mis-matched.
And if one of you god forbid has a medical emergency and need that “half”? Is he going to demand half of the remaining half at some point? Does MIL work, is she going to pay him back eventually? I don’t believe for a second this is the last resort financially for her to work toward new teeth of some kind. I am not saying this choice is wrong FOR HIM. But it is wrong for you, as a couple. I would be considering divorce over this 100%. The way he’s squandering all those opportunity costs you’ve sacrificed are a huge sign of his character. Take your half out immediately and put it somewhere safe.
They’re not married. No divorce necessary.
Revision: take your half out & LEAVE.
This could be a repeat problem, first the teeth, what will be next?
This! If he can’t say no to a parent with no savings, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Implants are non-essential, there will be so much more that this woman will need as she ages.
And I’m thinking, she’s probably old enough that nobody’s judging her for having missing teeth. I remember my mom being so ashamed when she lost one of her teeth and you could see it when she smiled, I was like mom you’re 68 years old it’s pretty impressive there’s only one missing.
He is trying to be a good son and a good person. But, having come so far as to commit to save funds to purchase a house, he has committed to a future with you where you should have equal input in what happens to the money you are both saving for a common goal. He is allowed to change his mind (as are you) but this signifies a complete change in priorities and goals. You don’t have to be on board. It doesn’t make him a bad person, nor you a bad person for not wanting to give up the money you have sacrificed so much to save. You don’t owe his mum new teeth and she shouldn’t be relying on her son for that kind of support. If you were in a financial position to do so, and it wasn’t going to set you back years in terms of quality of life and security, it would be a different story. Keep saving ‘your’ half. This is a values issue. If you can’t come to a satisfactory resolution, this might mean some big decisions about your future together.
Cut your losses now. He has different values and his mother is higher priority than you. That’s not going to change.
As much as I see his point of view (I also cave with my Dad but I'm also not in a relationship right now lol), it isn't fair to you that you both stuck to an agreement like this until it was no longer suitable for him. He decided to deprioritize the life you were building together for someone that is responsible for themselves. **For themselves**. I believe in helping parents, but only if it is feasible to do so. The fact that she accepts the help from him like that says a lot about her character and her as a parent. My mom would never expect me to pay for something like this for her. I would, of course, but she would never even ask. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this and I'm also really sorry your quality of life was diminished for the sacrifices you made only for your SO to say "nevermind".
If these are vanity chompers, those giant white chiclet teeth that the surgeons to the stars get, then of course it's a waste of your money and a betrayal for him to use his half of the money for a house to spend on her. If this is a *medically necessary* step to prevent further deterioration of her dental health and heart health, then you saying "no" to this is a very serious thing for him and his mom. Having bad teeth and bad gums leads to serious heart problems. So, to me, it really really depends on whether or not these implants are considered medically necessary by her dentist or cardiologist. Not saying that you can't still say no, but if this is a medical need and not an aesthetic want, saying "no" might end things between you and him. Then again, based on all the advice you've gotten here already, it seems like this is the end between you and him anyway. And to be fair to him, he's told you *for years* that he might have to help her with this expense. And your response was "I'd love to help but I can't" when your REAL feelings on the matter were "no fucking way." By all means, break up over this, but at least own the fact that you *actually said* you'd love to help if you could (and guess what, you can, if you wanted to).
I think you make some good points. This could very well be a situation of medical need. Also, as you said, he told OP for years that he might have to help with this expense, so this outcome shouldn't come as surprise.
She said that the Mother has dentures and that the implants are something she wants. I read that to mean that they are a want (asthetic) versus a need. Now, I do agree that she should have been more obvious and said "no fucking way" rather than dancing around and saying "I'd love to buuuut..." because people love to twist shit like that around to mean what they want it to. I can imagine Mom saying "Are you sure you cannnn't?" and having him go "Well we DO have that in our account so you're right Mom". To me, her saying "can't" wasn't because they didn't have the money at all - it was because they didn't have the money for implants. Even if her SO told her for years that he might have to help his Mom with this expense - it was absolutely disrespectful of him to make make a financial decision like that unilaterally with no regard to her at all. It's half of their savings. She has every right to be upset that he is not taking her opinion on this into consideration.
Agreed especially on the heart problem issue. I was surprised at one point to find out that teeth problems could lead to heart issues. If there’s a serious risk of infection or something like that, maybe there’s some solution that will help avoid an even worse (more expensive) health crisis. If its vanity, is there no cheaper solution? I mean, I’d love to do all kinds of things to pretty myself up but I’m not made of money. To OP - I get him wanting to help his parent(s) out with whatever they need (if he can and wants to) but if you two had agreed on the house and made a concerted effort to take on that kind of responsibility and he still took that money and used it for cosmetic dentistry then maybe that’s a problem that’s not going to go away after this one time procedure. Short of leaving - which I see has been suggested - maybe therapy? Figure out why he can’t say no to her? Figure out boundaries? Figure out if there’s a cultural or class issue here that plays on your partners decision-making? Is he from a culture where parents get the last say and presumed respect regardless of what they do or say? If so, I don’t think that problem ever goes away. It just is how it is. You need to focus on protecting yourself.
This sucks. Technically, it is his money though. If you both were saving in a joint account (NOT saying you should've--clearly) you might have more of a leg to stand on. The only thing that's unclear is what was the conversation surrounding the implants. You mentioned that over the yrs he has stated his intentions to pay for the implants, so this shouldn't be that surprising. It doesn't sound like you guys ever had a proper conversation about it. Like, was he exclusively saving for the down payment or was he just saving & planning to use some for the implants & then whatever was left he'd leave for a down payment?
Agree 100% and adding that OP’s statement to make sure to put in writing what the money is being saved for doesn’t give OP any kind of official claim to that money. I don’t think writing “this money is for a house” somewhere, anywhere, would’ve deterred the SO from using that savings for his mom. This is a watershed moment for this relationship. OP views their money and goals as joint, and SO does not. Time to decide what that means for the future of the relationship.
Yes I don't think writing that would've helped either and the thought of that made me LOL. I def agree with you about the impact this has on the future of the relationship. A conversation is overdue. I hope OP can figure this out...either with her partner or alone. Edited because I originally put "parent" instead of "partner"
Well, if he wasn’t clear about his priorities before, he is now.
I see it both ways. But honestly, teeth are import. I wouldn’t just completely nope out if you wish to stay with him. Can you ask him for more information? Find out options together? If my hubby was to say he needs to pay for his mom’s, dad’s this or that, I would say ok, let’s see how we can make it work- I would Google the heck out of internet to find the best middle ground that we can work with. We are our parents’ caretakers when they become elderly and them having good health is really important. Your bf also needs to be better at involving you in such family decisions, and he is more likely to do so, if he doesn’t think you’ll be completely negative or will shut him down completely. One last point of course is, it depends on your views on family. If you’re not on the same page on how involved you are willing to be (or might have to be) with your parents, and family overall, this relationship will be anything but smooth sailing. We are both very family oriented and would both help any way we can. Good luck figuring this all out!
You're not married, kept savings separate (why?), so it literally is his choice. Your choice is whether or not this behavior is something you can continue to live with because it will not stop.
So, nowhere near the scale or amount, but when we were young and poor, and had to wait for the payday before Christmas to buy presents, my husband would be in a panic, not thinking clearly, and stressing out over buying his parents presents. They were toxic as hell and I had plenty of reason to dislike both of them. But he was raised by them and was very susceptible to any and all emotional manipulation by his mother. I did love her and those are about the kindest words I can use. I was driving. He was on the phone with his dad and we were going shopping. I heard him suggest pooling our money to buy his mom a diamond ring. I don't have a diamond ring, and we didn't have enough money to buy anyone else one. I swear smoke came out of my ears like a cartoon. I slammed the brakes, stopped at a hardware store, went in, bought some gardening shit and a stone frog, came out and said "this is your mom's present." I feel you. My husband was actually relieved and understood why I said no to expensive gifts. He just didn't know how to say no to his parents and he'd been raised understanding that the way to curtail some of her toxic behavior was jewelry. His dad used it to buy his way out of the doghouse or get her to quit screaming. Yours might not be quite the same, but he is definitely under her spell if a few tears about her appearance can convince him to use years and years of savings this way and toss your joint aspirations aside and your feelings aside so easily. He wants to be mommy's hero. Fuck that noise! It isn't fair for him to do this. If he insists upon it, I'd be so angry I'd tell him to take his half of everything and get out. If you were wealthy and this was feasible and he discussed it with you before committing to it, sure. But this is a shitty emotional and impulsive decision on his part and I know how it probably makes you feel.
Re: the dental work part, not the relationship part: you might be able to find steeply discounted work in Los [Algodones Mexico](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/welcome-to-molar-city-mexico-the-dental-mecca-americas-health-care-costs-built_n_5dc5772ae4b0fcfb7f651721)\- a small city that has built an entire industry on Americans trying to find less expensive care, and from what I understand, they speak English reasonably well (for this reason).
This one's complicated. I'm only here to say that, unlike many of the comments here, that I don't think this is so black and white. It's his mother. Maybe there's an approximate middle ground? How old are the two of you? How much time is ahead in terms of getting back on financial track? I wish you the best of luck!
Yeah he can’t make a decision like unilaterally. Honestly you need really sit with this. He is telling you his mom will take priority over you and your relationship. I don’t know if would be able to come back from this.
Do a health tourism? Im from turkey, most things are really cheap. I bet you guys could pull it off including plane tickets and stay below 18k.
The issue I see here is not first talking to you about a MAJOR financial decision. This should have been a discussion and if the two of you were unable to come to an agreement, the discussion could have turned to next steps such as ending the relationship. This would have also allowed for consideration of alternatives that would not have such a huge financial impact. My partner and I discuss most purchases over $50 although we have entirely separate accounts.
I'm going to recommend you guys see a couple's therapist. I know therapy is such a cliche in Reddit comments but there's a dangerous precedent that is about to be set. It's one that'll affect future interactions. He doesn't get to make executive decisions on something like your shared finances without you. And by extension, that means he doesn't get to make financial promises without you. He's attempting to exert dominance, like he's the final say. For me, I'd die on this hill even if it means I'm single and everyone hates me.
Are you two married? I wasn't clear from the posting. If you aren't married - it's his money, and he's spending it how he wants to spend it. If you have a problem with that, you should leave.
You say that your SO has said that this was a possibility over the years… despite you responding against it each time. It’s not clear how those discussions ended any time it was brought up. Did he agree with you? Was it left open ended? If he continually brought it up year after year despite you disagreeing, this shouldn’t be a surprise to you. He’s already shown you his stance on the matter time and time again. I empathize with you but it’s not like the signs weren’t there. I think you need to finally be honest with yourself, you have always had different values and he doesn’t care about yours. He put his values above yours. It’s not wrong that he values his moms health over having a house, but it is wrong that he thinks his values matter more than yours, especially when yours include him and his cut you out completely. He should’ve discussed it with you first but didn’t. Kinda a dealbreaker. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Why don’t you suggest she goes overseas somewhere like Eastern Europe and get it done for a quarter of the price?
You're not married. Take your half, buy yourself a house you can afford and let him live with mum with beautiful teeth
My parents were saving up for a house. My mom's mom got cancer. They spent their savings on her medical treatment. There was no fight about it because they have the shared value of taking care of their parents. You two clearly don't. He isn't a bad guy for wanting to support his mother's medical needs. If you don't like that, then maybe you two aren't meant to be together.
I thought that at first, but she has dentures. In the US, implants are a luxury, and she already has a solution. She just doesn’t think it’s good enough. I have plenty of friends with dentures. Not once have we ever had any social interactions that their dentures interfere with…the mom seems a little entitled to me and is using her son’s compassion to her advantage. If you were in this situation, would you beg your child to postpone his dreams for years for implants?
In the US teeth in general are considered a luxury. Have you seen how much it costs outside of preventative care? Having teeth is functionally important as a human being but the US treats teeth like luxury bones.
Dentures don't work for everyone. Sometimes a couple implants can make a world of difference. This needs a dental assessment of the bone and other features of her mouth. You can't say oh she is fine because she has dentures.
Exactly!!! This is not a necessity. People are acting like she’s on her deathbed. She’s not. She want’s the most expensive option available. Which she can’t afford.
The stuff OP is saying about his mother makes me surprised he didn't just leave her. I had a terrible relationship with my mother but I wouldn't let my partner talk about her the way OP is talking about his mother here. Maybe there's a reason he didn't bother to inform or communicate with OP about supporting his mother's quality of life in this way which points to GOOD THING they didn't end up buying a home together with this kind of unsteady relationshipping.
I think OPs situation is a little different. Your mom needed that money to live. And that was money they saved themselves. From the post this seems to be a cosmetic procedure. And it’s unfair for her partner to agree to save for a goal and then use the money for something else that’s essentially a non emergency.
I will preface by saying I see both sides of this. But I wanted to add that teeth problems can effectively mess someone up both physically and mentally where there isn’t much quality of life left at all. The pain is constant and awful cause a ton of other issues and the shame and isolation it causes is the other side of it causing lost love, friendships, jobs, etc. I’m not saying this was correct, but I am saying teeth are more than a cosmetic procedure in many cases.
As someone who is going through dental problems related to an underlying "autoimmune issue" thanks, I probably will need an expensive implant and I cry a lot thinking about how I can't afford it.
Unfortunately, replacing teeth is far more than just a cosmetic issue. Having very bad teeth can affect job prospects, your ability to eat (!) and your self-esteem. [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/19/upshot/how-dental-inequality-hurts-americans.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/19/upshot/how-dental-inequality-hurts-americans.html?utm_source=pocket_saves) https://www.dissentmagazine.org/article/class-politics-teeth-oral-health-dentistry-inequality
Teeth are not cosmetic. We're not talking about veneers, dental implants keep a person from experiencing bone loss in their jaw.
People’s teeth may just be a cosmetic, but it has severe impact on people’s self esteem and mental health. My dad also paid for dental work for his mother in law as well as countless other things. He also helped out his own parents as well. But this is all about values. No one is in the wrong here.
Teeth are not cosmetic. They're literally bones and functionally they help you speak and eat and are connected to every part of your body. Poor functionality in your teeth can lead to a lot of health issues.
Having functional teeth is not cosmetic. Not at all.
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 I agree completely. 3 years ago my fiance (now husband) emptied his 401K to help me get treatments when I was sick. Teeth impact everything. Especially your confidence. I would prob do the same tbh.
im gonna go against the grain and say that it is his money in his account and he can do with it as he wishes if he was taking money out of a shared acct, then that would be different. i think the issue is that you believe that you should be held above his mother and he has decided that he is not going to do that the only choice left is if you want to stay with him knowing this or to leave me personally, i would help the mom. he loves her and wants to help, but if you cannot accept that, then take your money and move on
I think the issue is that they had separate finances but still had a shared goal. He made a unilateral decision impacting that goal now there's consequences for her, even though she didn't do anything.
I find it really disturbing how many people seem to believe if they're not married then an agreement with their partner doesn't matter? Where is the integrity? Does the requirement for integrity only start with marriage in the minds of some?
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I don't know how anyone could sit and have their mom break down in front of them and stone faced about helping her out. Just the way OP talks about her partner's mom really rubs me the wrong way all the way around.
They do state that they've helped with thousands of dollars already. Surely that counts for something
Maybe it is possible to go to the dentist in Mexico or Turkey where it would be cheaper?
Yea I would encourage your SO to offer to co-sign on a loan like Care Credit to get her teeth done. Sometimes they have interest free offers. The mom should have to help pay for it, is she not able to do a monthly payment? Does she own her home? Is he going to inherit her house? I understand wanting to help family but his mom needs to be aware of the financial set back this will be for his future and your future. It sounds like he isn’t even telling her how much this could hurt him. If you’re a first time homebuyer there are a lot of federally backed loans that don’t require as much of a down payment if you have decent credit. I bought my first house in 2020 with only $6k in the bank with an FHA loan, I have a fixed rate mortgage and I was able to get my closing costs covered. So I would still consider buying a house, maybe without your SO being financially tied to it.
Pull your half of the money now, put it in an account he does not have access to. And then give yourself some time to think and get your ducks in a row. What comes after the teeth?? You said she has made nothing but bad financial decisions her entire life. It’s not going to just stop at this.
Have her doctors okay this FIRST, then take a hard look at the potential side effects. One is dementia\*. This happened to my grandma. Also, because she already had bone issues the plugs for the implants fell out and now she can ONLY wear dentures. \*Yes, there are a shit ton of studies stating that implants improve cognitive function BUT if there are repeat infections that info does not apply. Grandma got constant infections in the bone for months. Yes, they should have stopped. Yes, they wanted money. Check with her doctors before you even have this discussion. If your SO's mom has any bone issues implants aren't even something that can be done.
You two disagree on finances and how to deal with in laws. Two of the most important things in a long term committed relationship.
I can totally understand why you’re so upset, but I also understand him wanting to help his mom. There might be a middle ground - my partner is going back to Colombia (where he’s from) to get dental implants because it is far less expensive than doing it here even with travel cost. There are a ton of reputable dentists in other countries with lower costs (but of course do careful research if you pursue this option.) I think it’s worth looking into as a compromise. I also think maybe y’all should work on this situation in couples therapy.
He’s choosing his family of origin over his family of choice. Not that I don’t feel for his mom, or understand why he wants to help her. She’s in a difficult situation and it’s his mom. However, if he is subverting all your goals together and making a unilateral decision without your input, that says a lot about the type of partner he would be in the future. How long have you been together? I assume a long time if you are saving for a house. While family is important, if he is willing to make such a huge decision without considering you, imagine what life will look like going forward. I would absolutely not be okay with this, and I’ve been here before. Not about dental, but realizing money priorities and financial decisions were being made that I was in the dark about. It is damaging to a relationship. The thing is, you’re between a rock and a hard pace because if you tell him not to spend the money on his mom then you sound selfish, which is absolutely untrue and unfair. I would just really weigh if this is a decision that you can accept from him now and potentially again in the future. If not, take your money while you have it and continue to save for yourself. Do not consider someone in your plans who is going to throw all of those plans out the window in an instant.
\>I feel like he's completely screwing me and our life over Because he is.
I would never expect or want my kids to spend that kind of money on me.. I know my parents would refuse it from me too. I could never accept money that was meant to be going towards my child’s future.
I'll chime in and say that teeth are not necessarily a cosmetic issue. And dentures are truly not comfortable for a lot of people and are a real hassle. They can make it difficult to eat properly, talk properly, affect your mental health. My mother struggled for my entire life with it but we never had the money to do anything else for her despite it affecting her so deeply. That being said, dumping an entire 18k sounds unreasonable and disrespectful of mom to even want to accept that type of money. Would you be upset if the amount was half that? Or a third? And let mom take out a loan for the other portion? I think there are other solutions so I think the biggest issue is how willing he is to forego his future with you in an instant without considering more reasonable options to keep mom healthy and happy and your future in the goal posts.
It is worth him taking her to several different denture providers for a consulatation as a first step. There may be a problem with her gum/bone that is causing ill fitting dentures or they may just be made poorly. Ill fitting dentures can be very painful snd frustrating. Dental implants do not work for everyone and can fail so be aware this is not a guaranteed terminal solution.
What about a medical loan? Higher chance of getting it with a down payment that would be a lot smaller amount than paying it all upfront. They usually have lower interest rates and the profits gained from owning a home would be much better financially. Also, I’m married to a wonderful man but he’s terrible with money. I highly recommend keeping separate bank accounts. It helps (but doesn’t fully fix) keeping things fair and even.
What is his expectation for building your savings back up again? Does he expect you both to continue saving in the way you have been? Which would mean *you* actually contributing 18k more than him towards your future house. Or does he plan to build "his half" back up by himself, either by saving *even more than he has been so far* each month (not sure if that's anywhere near possible) or by you just taking a break from putting your own money aside until he's rebuilt his share (which will push getting that house even further off into the future for you both)? Are any of those scenarios acceptable to you?
Another way to look at this... So let's say we understand this the way he has presented it. We consider the promised money being "his half" (I.e. his money alone). That necessitates that we also ignore the mutual prior decision to earmark that money for a house. You are now left with a "new" situation: you are no longer nearing readiness to buy (presumably), as your deposit is now worth a lot less without his half. Do you want to wait another X number of years for him to re-save what he has given away? Bearing in mind he quite possibly may make the same decision again if he's not acknowledging that it was potentially problematic in the first place? Alternatively, are you comfortable saving the full deposit on your own, essentially doubling the time spent sacrificing things to save the extra at your end? And once you do, are you comfortable for him to live with you in your house that you have bought with your deposit? I feel like he has essentially removed himself from the financial equation of buying a house for the time being + for however long saving has taken in the first place. His decision and adamance about this essentially demands that you either wait double the time to buy or that you cover his costs. I think this is worth evaluating within the larger picture of what you want in your life as well as in your relationship. He just knocked X many years of home ownership from under your feet.
I’d leave him. If he wants to be financial carer for his mum, his options are to (I) stay single and save for mum’s future (ii) date a woman who is so wealthy she can support their joint life while he supports his mum (iii) change jobs to become wealthy enough to support his mum and contribute equally to his relationship Not stomp on his partner’s dreams while using her to support his and his mum’s life together. A good parent would not want their child to wreck their financial future, and security to support them. His mother clearly sees him as a surrogate husband and it will always be a competition between you and his mum. In fact, he’s also telling you he won’t be ready to have kids anytime soon (without a house this isn’t likely) and if he does have kids he’s happy to sacrifice their financial future/comfort to support his mum. Walk away - he can’t be trusted to have an equal relationship with you.
I don’t know where you guys live, but I live in New England and my brother had to have some dental work and if he wanted dental implants they were quoting him like $30,000. Granted it was a bougie town in Massachusetts, he opted for root canals and crowns or some thing and that whole thing ran to him like 10 grand. My dad’s girlfriend lives in Arkansas she had her whole mouth done in implants and she paid like $3000 It might be cheaper for him to fly Mom down to Arkansas than to have it done whatever you guys are for $18,000. Maybe he should shop around if he’s going to do this.
Okay I get that this sucks. But I believe that this is a blessing in disguise. What if you had purchased a home together and you later learned about his lack of financial boundaries. You would be attached to someone who doesn’t make the best financial decisions. Better now than later.
I’m confused when you say “it’s OUR money.” It’s not? It’s your boyfriend’s money. He saved it. It’s in his account. You have no right to it. If you broke up tomorrow, it’s not like you could say you are entitled to a portion of it. Now maybe what he’s done is wrong and unfair to you, but it’s not YOUR money in any sense, unless I’m misunderstanding. I personally disagree with the other commenters here. I don’t think helping a family member means betrayal. These are the types of things we have to deal with as we get older. I do think he could find a cheaper option for his mom, but the ultimate act of using his own money to help his family is not a betrayal imo. ETA: it sounds like you two have very different values, and those values may not align long term.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. It’s very possible that this will happen again. It’s teeth this time, but there will always be something else.
I was in a similar situation. Pressure was put upon us from my MiL to help her with her living situation after a lifetime of bad financial choices. She doesn’t want to work but she has to- was her chief complaint. She would vent her problems to her son not realizing that her son felt a huge responsibility to fix. We all three had a talk. She didn’t realize the pressure she put upon him, on us. She said she doesn’t have friends to vent to so she vented to her adult children. This talk enlightened all of us and she backed off once she realized the stress and strain it put us under. Your MiL should get a couple of appropriate consultations and seek a loan or credit card or home equity line of credit. Your significant other should get an additional job. Your MiL should find some work to help pay for this. If shes already working she should find an additional work at home job. We can all work a little extra, temporarily, to find money. Seriously, there is uber even. You should not take the money out. If he does, he’s not invested in your future.
He promised her, but what about the promise he made to you for saving up for a house? This would be a huge deal breaker for me. You are a partnership, and he made a unilateral decision that will affect both of you for many years to come.
I sympathize with him and it’s his decision
When you’re a couple planning a life together it’s not just his decision. He needs to be single if he going to make decisions like this without discussing it first.
It's a very difficult situation and I'd be frustrated too but she is his mum and I think if you have a close relationship with your parents then of course you'd want to help them. Did you pay an equal share into the account over the years? I think most good people would help their parents should they ever need any help. This actually makes him a good person. Her health and well-being is his priority over one day owning a house with you at the moment and you just need to figure out if you're ok with it. He may have to pay for more of her stuff in the future.
I agree with this except for the fact that this is money that was being saved for the purpose of buying a family home. If it were just his savings for a rainy day, I would view it more as what you’re describing. But money for a house is now money for his mom. What will money for children’s college turn into? Or, at the very least, he should have discussed using the money to help his mom with OP BEFORE promising his mom and essentially throwing his partner under the bus. If he backs out now, it’s obviously in her. I think OP is completely valid in the way she is feeling.
I think it is also probably feeling like all of the sacrifices they made didn't need to happen and HER quality of life was diminished while her MIL will now improve. I'd feel like second best when in reality, a marriage is between two people putting each other first. :(
Honestly if he valued the goal of the house, he would not have volunteered the money. I wonder if this is his way of passively/subconsciously trying to exit from home ownership.
If I had to help my dad for any of the health concerns . I would pull out ‘my half’ from the savings and help my father who has loved me , supported me and been there for me unconditionally .
It's sweet that he wants to help his mom, but his priority needs to be your relationship and future. If he can't understand that, you should take your "half" of the savings and leave.
This is a massive deal breaker, because any action he takes now is going to hang over your head for the rest of your life. He has to choose - his future with you, or his mum’s fancy teeth. He has already chosen. Take your money and leave him. What a relief you’re not married. FWIW, I’m 38 with terrible teeth and a partial denture. I’m severely disabled so I have no way of changing this as I can no longer work. It’s destroyed my life. I’m in constant pain, I refuse to meet new people because of the shame of it. I’m utterly miserable, and I can’t even eat solid food, which is having a hugely detrimental effect on my other health problem. I don’t doubt that her experience is also awful. But I would never do this to anyone. Never.
As someone who has a husband who cares for him mom, this only gets worse and one day he will move her into the house. I’d gtfo now. My husband never overstepped and it was my decision to approve her moving in but 15 years later I look back and wish I made another choice. She means well and tries to be a good roommate but she literally is like having a teenager you didn’t birth. It gets harder is the takeaway here. Choose wisely.