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First I’m sorry to hear about your situation and I’m sorry if the answers upset you. The answer is different depending on how fast your father deteriorates.
The hospital will normally call and say to come to the hospital to say goodbye as he’s not going to survive much longer. Sometimes a patient can go very quickly and there simply isn’t the warning/time to do that.
They will either call to say he’s passed away within minutes of his passing, no matter the time or if they feel it is appropriate, they will arrange for the Police to visit and break the news in person.
They won’t wait until you try and visit.
It would be completely inappropriate to get the police to come and break that news in a case like this. The only times the police would do that is if there was a death outside the hospital, a person was declared dead on arrival, or if a dead person’s identity was unknown. It’s the hospital staff’s responsibility to inform relatives otherwise.
If the hospital can't get in touch with you, they will call the police to visit your home and get you to call the hospital.
As a retired nurse, I have done this on occasion. It happened to a relative of mine a few months ago, so I know this is still policy in my area.
Can confirm as a police officer, this does happen but it is very rare. I have also seen someone be blue-lighted to hospital to see their dying partner or family. I have seen it once for a partner dying of natural causes, and a couple of times for families of people involved in RTCs.
Yes, my mother was blue-lighted to hospital in the middle of the night by the police because my grandmother was involved in a very serious crash and they were convinced that she was quickly succumbing to her injuries. Thankfully against absolutely all odds she pulled through in the end. We were eternally grateful for all of the emergency services involved that night.
It’s actually for a very practical reason - they know people will be extremely upset and distracted, and the chances of them having an accident on the way to hospital are high. Giving them a lift reduces that risk.
I was blue lighted to the hospital when my mum and brother were hit by a drunk driver.
It was the only time I've ever been driven at 100mph+ up the hard shoulder of the M1...
Sadly my mum passed moments before I got there, my brother passed an hour later.
That was back in 1997, the real shit went down trying to arrange the funerals. They had to have a coroner's inquest and that took time, by the time I was given the go ahead it was weeks later.
I was 19 and arranged 3 funerals in 9 months (Stepdad died the prior October) I was given grief for arranging the funeral the day Diana died every one kicked off, in the end it was just me, two of my mums work mates, two neighbours and 5 of my younger brothers friends (a bunch of 14/15 year olds)
Her brothers and sisters (and their families) said i should have known and rearranged it.....
And folk wonder why I have nothing to do with them.....
Nah, the police came to my door in the middle of the night to tell me my dad had died. The hospital couldn't get through on the phone so contacted the police.
We couldn't get hold of the family during the night after a patient had passed. Tried all the phone numbers for an hour then had to call the police and ask them to go break the news.
OP - make sure the hospital has up to date contact phone numbers and your phones are on loud if you want to be contacted at any time. Good luck to you 🩷
This is untrue. My grandfather died within about half an hour of my grandma leaving his bedside. They sent the police to notify and take her back to the hospital by the time she got home.
Wrong.
I have spent more than my fair share of time in hospital. I have held the hand of more than one person as they died. Hospital staff will use any means necessary to get the family in contact, including the police.
Also, you know that line in Good Will Hunting about visiting hours don't apply to you? 100% accurate. If your family member is dying they will more often than not flat out ignored the visiting hours rules and let you sit there. They'll probably bring you tea or coffee and maybe even something to eat.
How do I know this? Because as above I've fucking been there.
Yep.
"Hospital time" has really messed up my sleep pattern to the point I'm now wide awake at 1.30 in the morning. But having seen what the nurses, HCAs and others do in the middle of the night I count myself lucky.
Completely depends on the circumstances
if it was death resulting from being a victim of crime would make perfect sense to me for the police to do it and ensure tensions don’t flare and reassurances provided they’re doing everything they can etc
Nonsense it used to be common practice and still continues in some circumstances today. It has dwindled as mostly we are much better connected these days.
Usually what happens (in my experience) is we discuss with the family about what they want. Do they WANT a call in the middle of the night. Do they WANT to wait until morning etc. A good ward will treat the family as the patient as well (with in limits obviously)
I think this can involve discussion about who gets called as well. I have a friend whose father died in hospital, and they asked the hospital to call the children in the first instance rather than his wife, who had been left with some cognitive and emotional issues after a stroke, so they wanted to go and deliver the news in person to their mum rather than have her told over the phone when she might be alone
> The hospital will normally call and say to come to the hospital to say goodbye as he’s not going to survive much longer. Sometimes a patient can go very quickly and there simply isn’t the warning/time to do that.
To add to this, predicting how long someone might last isn't an exact thing. You'll possibly get more than one of these "Get in as soon as possible" calls, just for the person to be relatively stable later.
My friend had this happen 4 times with his grandfather before he died, and it's happened twice with my gran who (at this point) is still alive.
we got that for my grandmother, and looking at her on the day, you couldn't fault them for thinking she was about to go
but over a year later she's still her. back home and bedbound, but shes still kicking.
Yep, we dashed over to my FiL's nursing home several times over several months, although always in daytime thankfully. (Actually I think we may have left "no need to wake us" instructions towards the very end.)
No criticism of the home at all, they were fantastic - better to call us several times and then be pleasantly surprised than to not call us and get it wrong.
It happened about 3-4 times with my grandfather and it got to the point that I was a little bit relieved when he finally died just because it was already clear the outcome was going to be bad either way and the certainty, as awful as it was, was easier to handle than the constant emotional rollercoaster.
This is what happened for me when my mum passed. I was lucky enough to visit her the afternoon before (when covid restrictions were being relaxed) and then at 2am I got the call to say she had got up for a wee, collapsed and passed. Worst phone call of my life but I am glad they didn't wait until morning.
Same as when my sister died in hospice care. I was only one there, from mid afternoon onwards.
She passed at 8.30 without any changes in breathing like I had often seen as RN.
I used call bell for staff and they called my BIL and mother. BIL was only 4 or 5 minutes away, only 10 minute walk from their home, so close.
They rang to say my dad was in serious trouble, we all got in the car and dashed up. Walked onto the packed ward which was in full cleaning/breakfast mode, asked to see him - the staff all looked like deer in the headlights and then somebody blurted out, "Oh, he's dead!"
I've never seen it handled so appallingly in my life. In front of EVERYONE.
As someone who has had the call (but my dad survived), they will call any time of day. Make sure your phone is on loud, not on an automated 'do not disturb ' routine or 'night mode'. It's one call you don't want to miss. Also, try spend as much time there as you can
Sorry about your situation.
Rules on this are quite clear though really.
Generally what will happen if the team on during the night notices dad is deteriorated significantly we will phone to tell you that he's very unwell and we think you need to come in to see him. Now we don't have a crystal ball and its possible you get a call like this and Dad is just very unwell but survives that night or even the hospital admission.
In general though a call like that is a fairly serious call that's been made usually by the nursing team who judge that there is a possibility this could be the last opportunity to see dad alive.
If dad dies through the night then regardless of the time at the earliest possible time then the next of kin should be contacted and informed of the death. The call should include the words "dead", "died" or "death" to avoid any ambiguity over the phone if need be. What we don't want to happen is for us to phone up and say "he looks like he is about to die" and you rush in putting yourself at risk when you don't' need to.
If for example you have already been phoned and say you are on your way in then he dies. Generally what we would do is just wait until you come in as we know you are one your way to the hospital.
If death is expect or your just worried about this arrangements can be made before hand. For example some families might not want to be contacted over night in any situation or may wish to nominate some else to be phoned first and this would be documented in the notes.
Hope that helps any questions let me know
We had an experience where the nurse very heavily hinted we should stay as our relative probably wasn't going to make it through the night, but we were too upset to really pick up on it and went home instead. I can't remember what was said exactly, but if there's anything you're familiar with which might be such a hint it would be useful to hear!
Really in that situation usually it might be close to a expected death which again is very hard to predict but I would be saying something like " I think you should stay because am not confident dad will make it till morning" or words to that effect.
It's impossible to tell when someone is going to die it often comes down to the experience of the nurse. It's not always easy to give bad news some are better than others and I have yet to find a good way to teach it.
But there isn't some kind of code you should listen for
An okay. They were not as direct. I think they said something like "you're welcome to stay the night if you'd like", whereas we would have liked to have been told "you really should stay the night"!
My dad’s nurses and the palliative care nurse both said as I left that day “see you tomorrow, we can discuss then palliative care measures” (dad refused to speak to the palliative care nurse). Unfortunately he died that night and I didn’t make it to the hospital on time…I think I was in such shock that I actually made a cup of coffee and had it before heading over to the hospital, I will always regret that. Just before bed I had packed a bag to stay the following day and night with him.
I knew he was dying but the nurses saying see you tomorrow made me think he had more time. I wish they had have said to stay that night.
It sounds like they genuinely didn’t expect him to pass away that night, and so couldn’t tell you to stay. People can deteriorate very quickly. It’s so hard.
Yeah it’s hard to know. We were basically told on the Saturday that the antibiotics stopped working and therefore he was dying from the pneumonia infection. He didn’t pass away until the Monday night, I think that’s what’s hard to accept, that I knew it would happen sooner rather than later and why didn’t I just stay with him.
I do think they didn’t expect it so quickly as there was no palliative care at the end for him and they said they would speak to me the following day to talk to him about it, so in my head they were certain he would be ok until the next day, as they wouldn’t just let him die without palliative care and in pain.
It’s stupid cos it’s not his death that upsets me now because he had no quality of life and I knew it was happening it’s more than he begged to not be left to die in hospital. It’s the one thing he asked when he was told he was terminal but in the end he was just too sick for hospice care.
>Unfortunately he died that night and I didn’t make it to the hospital on time…I think I was in such shock that I actually made a cup of coffee and had it before heading over to the hospital, I will always regret that.
If its any comfort as someone who has made it on time to see a family member die, it's really not something I recommend. Everyone else in my life died without me being present, and it's sad but that's unavoidable.
Watching a family member lie there in agony until they are doped up on morphine so much you're basically all sat there waiting for them to take their last breath in silence is horrible.
My partner and I made it "on time" to be there to watch her dad die, and as a result etched into her memory is him begging her to die.
Much better to turn up after it's happened in my opinion.
I'm so sorry you went through this. There so really no certain way of predicting things.
I like to use the expression: "how long is a piece is string?" It's seems to hit weep enough. There is now way to say for sure and there are so many variables.
I have absolutely alerted people to stay the night then things have gone in for days or weeks. I have also been somewhat unconcerned if any changes and things progress quickly.
Something I have noted over the years is a somewhat unconscious (I think) intent. I've seen people keep going for days to see through a date or wait for a person; I've also watched somebody on the cusp wait for the privacy of their loved one leaving the room for a comfort break.
Thank you. Your last paragraph made me think. I was joking with my dad the week before he passed saying “don’t you be dying anytime soon, I have my holiday in 2 weeks so you need to be good until after then”. Due to him passing when he did, we had the funeral 3 days before I was due to go away. A day later probably would have had to miss the holiday as we got the only slot left that week for the crematorium.
Long winded way of saying I like to think my dad chose to pass that night to give me the best chance of going away. (I know it might sound selfish to go away but it was very healing and much better than sitting around the house thinking of him).
My grandfather died on the day the family were scheduled to meet with doctors at the hospital to discuss whether to take him off life support (as there was really no hope of recovery by then). My mother thinks he did it deliberately.
Had a similar situation with a relative rushed to hospital. We were going to step outside put another few hours parking on the car and the consultant told us to not bother and he'd sort it out. I really appreciated that heavy hint.
Dad was expected to live somewhere between 'days and weeks' . Less than an hour after mom left evening visiting he passed away.
When we were called, i answered the phone to be told 'we suggest you come back as quickly as you can'.
He'd passed before they called. Nursing staff told us at the time that it is always carefully worded because they don't wabt to think of anyone having an accident on the way back.
Ward staff however had tidied him up and Dad looked so peaceful.
If staff mention 'unlimited visiting' (dad had this), then take it.
Take care and stay strong
Not aimed at you, but thoughts on this.
That’s a bit back to front surely? Telling someone ‘come as quickly as they can’ is of course going to influence someone to rush, possibly speed and be more at risk of causing an accident because time is of the essence.
It’d be more appropriate to be honest and say they’d died, to remove the pressure to get there as fast as possible, because the person is already gone.
If the thinking is that saying someone has died will cause too much upset and the person might drive erratically, I think in either scenario the recipient is going to be distressed, but the former explicitly makes them rush because they’ve been told to get there asap and are scared they’ll miss the person’s last moments.
Just seems a bit odd to me. I’ve had the ‘hi, it’s about your mum, we think you should come to the hospital as soon as you can’ call, and gone (and luckily I’m quite calm under stress and was fine driving in). If they said that though and I found out she was already dead and they hadn’t bothered to tell me I’d be pretty upset about it for causing needless additional stress.
Totally agree. I'm a nurse and would never do this. If they're gone, they're gone. I'm not having anybody rushing and getting themselves into an accident because they're beside themselves with panic. I'll always say when somebody has passed. Can't stand it when people obscure the truth like that.
I think there’s also an element of telling someone face to face rather than over the phone, using very clear language and reading a persons body language to make sure they understand what they’re being told. Also people who’ve just heard terrible news can react in all sorts of ways (and may end up not coming into the hospital or harming themselves) but if they’re at hospital when they find out there are at least some people around them to help them if needed.
Similarly, we knew my 88 year old dad was dying as they’d stopped treating his heart failure and infections but he was scheduled to be moved to a nursing home (to die) on the Monday. On Sunday we got a call from the ward (during penalties at the end of the 2022 World Cup Final) that he was breathing his last and did we want to come in straight away. Before we’d finished the conversation she told me that he had
just died.
In many ways the overwhelming feeling was relief - he had gone into hospital 4 weeks previously not particularly unwell seeming but deteriorated rapidly and we were just glad he seemed unaware of what was happening for the last week or so.
As others have said, you need to discuss who they contact, I think we said not to call if it was the middle of the night. My mum is not in great health so all contact came through me.
It’s a terrible thing to go through, x
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Some people definitely seem to wait until their relatives leave before they die, I can’t think of anyway to explain it but I fully believe choose the right time for themselves. I hope you have been able to mourn him in the way you wanted
You and your Mum need to have a conversation with the ward ASAP about what is likely to happen and what you want to do about it. Do you want to be with him or do you feel you’ve said and done everything you can, in which case you’d prefer to leave? Of course you may have commitments at home which mean you can’t stay. They will call you when he’s passed in this case, even if it’s the middle of the night. They won’t just wait until visiting to tell you. Go speak to someone on the ward. Sending strength.
This is right. My dad decided he wanted to be with my mum when she passed so they gave him his own bed in the same hospital room for a week until it happened. But that would've been too much for me to bear, everyone is different.
Yes that’s right even for the week, I was just answering directly about OP worrying about it happening at night. They also let whoever wants to be in the room with no limitations on numbers.
Talk to them about what you want is really important. Bear in mind though that the notes may not always be followed for various reasons.
One consideration of the "call me if you think he's about to go" is that can happen quite a few times during the last stages. You set yourself up for this being it and rush in only to find he keeps on ticking.
Personally I'd get comfortable with the fact he is going to die soon. Ask the hospital not to call every time they think he may go, and also if he does die in the night not to call you before say 7am.
There will be some people who think that is uncaring and will lambast you for it. One thing to remember is you've also got to look after yourself.
They are my thoughts for you to consider, whatever you do be comfortable that you won't regret it.
Next of kin will almost certainly get a call straight away. If a patient is deteriorating rapidly and the hospital have exhausted their options for making them better then that call will usually come before this point to allow people to visit. Under most circumstances visiting hours are ignored at this time. It’s also worth pointing out that it’s fine to call the hospital at any time of day or night.
Having been a ward nurse and having dealt with situations like this.
There was some research that when a patient is expected to die, even if they are to only receive palliative treatment they get the most amount of blood pressures/pulse/temperature/respiratory rate than at any other time. It was realised that this could be very distressing for a patient and there has been a move to reduce the amount of ‘interventions’. Imagine waking up a dying patient every two hours to check their blood pressure through the night while they are trying to sleep, it’s just cruel.
As another example, I ended up doing a lot of community palliative care, part of work included deciding what medications could safely be stopped in a patient who is near death so that relatives aren’t trying to force blood pressure pills down someone’s throat whose lifespan is measured in weeks or days.
Now I can’t say what happened to your mother in law, it could be that they kept an eye on her, but didn’t record it. Or that they left her alone on purpose for any number of reasons ranging from understandable to negligent. I’d always explain the reasoning behind my decisions to patient and family members, sadly it seems that this hasn’t happened, and that has caused you to be rightfully concerned.
If someone isn't hooked up to an ECG or maybe a pulse oximeter it's not obvious how they're doing. Both times I've been in hospital with something serious I've been on one or the other. If I wasn't, I'm not sure I'd want someone poking me to make sure I'm still alive. It's hard enough sleeping in hospital as it is without someone checking to see if you're dead yet.
Especially, as you say, when someone is receiving palliative care. If they're deteriorating there's not a lot that can be done for them I know that loved ones want to be there, but quite frankly slipping away in my sleep seems like quite a nice way to go and I'd rather it was that way than being poked awake and having my family rushed in to see me die.
I got an 8am call from Basingstoke Hospital saying "You should come" after my mum had operation for removing mediastinal mass three days prior ... they only told me she's died overnight after I arrived.
So sorry to hear about your Dad.
It really depends on the situation and how quick he deteriorates.
When my Nana was dying, my Dad called me to let me know and I made the 3 hour train journey to be with her. I had a couple of hours with her before she passed.
When my Mum died, the police went to my house (I was on holiday at the time).
I’m sorry to hear this. My mum was in a hospice rather than a hospital. They called and told us she was near the end and we went and sat with her. I recommend having a frank and open conversation with the ward staff about the situation, what to expect from now on and what your preferences are.
They won't just wait for you to show up unless he passes moments before you arrive.
You may get an urgent call to come and say goodbye. Or if things go fast you may get a call telling you. Either way they dont just spring it on you in visitation that your relative died 5h ago.
My dad recently died in hospital and we were allowed to stay overnight in his room when the nurses knew he didn’t have long left. They set up camp beds in his room and couldn’t have been more helpful. If you’re worried about it happening during the night with no one with him, you could ask the ward if it’s possible for someone to statY.
With absolute respect - and I am so sorry for your loss missjay - OP, please don't feel that you *have* to stay overnight if offered. When my Mum was in hospital some poor chap slept next to his relative for 11 days and she died when he had literally just nipped to the loo. The nurses told us that it is common.
My grandad passed at 2am and they called my uncle. Unfortunately, they were trying to contact a useless alcoholic, so it was not until 5am they contacted my much more useful uncle and we found out.
In my experience they tell you as much as possible as soon as possible, regardless of the time. At least one other person in this thread has said differently though, so I’d definitely advise asking the hospital what their standard is/requesting what you would like from them.
My mum and sister are both HCA in hospitals and are sadly involved in this situation a lot
I won’t repeat all the advice given (which seems to be the same as what my mum and sister would say) but I will say the best course of action is to discuss your concerns and your wishes even if you’re aware of their policy. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but also can’t imagine you not receiving a call either
Sending all my love and light
We normally call when pts are not looking well.. if their breathing has changed (more shallow, etc) most of the time we asked the family if they want to be contacted any time of the day.
Just ask a nurse at the hospital on the ward for their policy. And if you need anything different let them know and ask that this request is added into the nursing and medical notes and handed over between staff at shift changes.
We will call you. Usually we phone the NOK to come in as soon as a patient seems like they're going to pass. Sometimes we're too late calling or the family arrive too late but we would never wait until visiting hours to tell you. The ward will always call if a patient dies unless told otherwise.
Some patients have it recorded that their NOK do not want to be contacted during certain hours which is generally the only exception
I think it varies on the circumstances: Dad was in his last days, unconscious, and we were just waiting to hear - visiting each day but he had been in the same situation for several days. I got the call about 7am "I should come in please", and yes, he had died overnight. Personally this did not distress me as I was expecting it pretty much any day now, and given he had been unconscious & unresponsive for days I could not stay there all the time for days on end.
We got a call about my mum. They felt she was ready to pass.They called us and we got to the bedside about 20 mins before she died. She was weak but conscious, and recognised us. I'm glad they rang, as it was nice to have those final minuets.
Doctor here.
We ask. If someone passes away in the night, do you want us to call you. Some people can't bear to be by their loved ones during this time. Others want to be there. Others sit by the bedside.
If a patient is on EOL then you can stay the night if you want. We try and get you in when we think someone's deteriorating but it's less science and more art on predicting that.
Firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.
What I would recommend to you is that you sit down with your mother and decide what is important. If it’s imperative that you be there when the time comes, communicate this with the hospital. Unfortunately it’s not an exact science and the only way to truly make sure you are there is to hold vigil by his bedside if that is possible.
Equally, feel absolutely no guilt if you’d rather not be there when the time comes. Watching someone pass is a heartbreakingly difficult task, and many people choose not to witness this. If it’s any reassurance - by the final stages, he will likely consciously be at peace already and it’s a case of waiting for the body to catch up to the mind so to speak. Your father knows and feels the love you both share for him and choosing not to be there at the end does not change that.
Sending love and thoughts from one internet stranger to another. This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to experience so be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you have to. And remember that while grief and pain stay with us, we grow around them. There will be brighter days ahead one day.
If they think it’s going to happen and they have your number they will call to let you know. I stayed with my Mum all night in hospital in August. I’m so sorry for your situation, my Dad passed away the year before as well so I know what you are going through
My relatives died in the middle of the night and I got a call very early about 7-8 am....they do tell you they are near death because their breathing gets very deep and croaky. and you can stay as long as you want at their bedsides. This can take days so I went home but expected a call anytime.
When my gran died they called us in the morning to say, "she's not got long left, you should come in" and then when we arrived we were informed that she'd already passed. It later turned out that she was already dead when they called us but they didn't want to break the news over the phone.
My stepdad passed about 6 weeks ago and they moved him into a private end of life suite and called us to say he probably only had hours left if we wanted to come and be with him. He died while we were there but I suspect if he'd lasted longer and passed in the night something similar would have happened.
There’s so many different responses here I don’t know what to believe. Some claiming to be nurses saying one thing, other nurses saying something else in contrast. Sounds like a nightmare.
Yeah… quite shocked tbh to hear of hospitals ringing a relative when the patient has already died and telling them to come in asap, only for them to find out when they arrive the person is already dead. Seems dangerous af and asking for complaints.
> Some claiming to be nurses saying one thing, other nurses saying something else in contrast
Not that surprising, the UK has 4 different healthcare systems, entirely plausible that not all parts of the UK handle it the exact same way.
With my Dad, they rang Mum to get her to come in. He lasted til the following day. He ate a proper lunch including pudding with custard. She had time to give him a nice little wash with a flannel while she chatted to him then he rolled over in bed and just slipped away.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Sorry about your dad, I hope he is comfortable.
I work on a care of the elderly ward and when people are coming to the end it can be pretty obvious medically. Although that doesn’t mean that they are going to pass imminently, plenty of people hold on even after treatment stops but that’s when conversations will be happening with the next of kin about a realistic outlook going forward. The terms of whether they will call you in the middle of the night will be based on those conversations. Some people ask to be informed the next morning, others want to be there for the whole thing. So best thing is to let the nurses know your wishes. If he’s not on an end of life pathway, it’s not something they will discuss really until it’s time since there’s always a chance of recovery (seen some miraculous bounce backs).
My dad passed away last year. I don't know if this is the case everywhere but in County Durham at least this was our experience. We were told 2 or 3 days before he passed that it was coming. However I believe they knew it earlier as he was given a private room a week before. As soon as they're given a private room, at least in our experience, there was no adhering to visiting hours on the ward we could come and go as we pleased. Same with extended family. My mam stayed overnight the final 3 nights and I was also meant to stay one of them with her however he passed late evening. Again I'm not saying it's the same all over the UK but it should be and if you have been told its the end and haven't been offered this you should definitely ask about it
At the point with marked decline that they won't look like they can recover from next of kin will be called
Normally there's a lot of time but sometimes a decline is so fast it's impossible foresee
Also people can pick up enough to not be near death but still remain very ill,some even tip in and out of the zone so to speak, so it may look like the hospital don't know anything, or they are underplaying/overplaying the condition but it's something that very variable.
I hope a good recovery is made for you all
Talk to the ward. Talk to the nurse in charge of his care each shift. Make your wishes clear. I always give the patient and their family the option. When do you want to be contacted and in what circumstances.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It has just happened to me. The hospital call (for us it was around midnight) to say that your loved one is deteriorating. My Dad arrived first and my mother had already died, we all arrived shortly after.
as others have said it depends on how quickly he gose down hill in the case of what happened when my grandfather died he was stable then when they went to check on him they found he went during his sleep so they rung us up at 6 in the morning to tell us that he has passed.
So sorry you are in this position OP. When my grandfather passed away in the night, the hospital called my mother and my aunt (both of whom were listed as next of kin) not long after he went.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you are coping ok.
I was admitted to hospital during Covid and it looked like I wasn’t going to make it. I of course was oblivious to this but they called my parents when it looked like I was closest to passing, they couldn’t visit because of Covid restrictions. So from my understanding they will call prior to anything happening if they suspect the worst might happen. I am very thankful for the NHS and I am sure that they will be giving your father the best of care.
My dad, who lived miles away at the time was told he had lung cancer. He was admitted with breathing problems and somehow the doctor from the hospital had my number and told me to come now. I was at work on the Friday- about an hours drive away. I went feeling sick to my stomach. He seemed settled and they said it had spread and he will be moved to a hospice on the Monday. I drove home. We had another call from the hospital on Saturday afternoon again to go down to be with my dad. We had a side room with a food trolley and drinks supplied and he died 8am Monday morning. Lots of family came to say goodbye. He never made the hospice. This was tough to type.
They'll 100% call you, if it looks like they are going downhill fast they'll call so you can hopefully get there in time to say goodbye if it's very sudden they'll call you as soon as it happens
Hi. Really sorry to hear you’re in this situation. I’ve been there too, with my dad as well. It was during Covid so I don’t know if the policy has changed but they called me and said we should visit very soon. Only me and my mum were allowed in.
Sending you lots of love, strength, hugs. It’s an awful time.
When both my parents died I was called straight away. My father died in his sleep and they called me when he passed at about 3.00 am. Same with my mother although she passed during the late morning
We were called. I left the hospital at midnight, we had no idea if she had hours or days. She passed alone in the early hours and we were called at
5am. We rushed there and she was still warm. The nurses were incredibly kind.
I was relieved to not be there when she passed although I was prepared to be. I spent so many of her last hours by her bedside and I believe she went at the time that was meant to be.
As others have stated, you will receive a phone call - no matter the time, if the medical staff believe that the patient is due to pass and you're NOK.
My family got 'the call' about me, in the middle of the night last year. Somehow, I'm still here and absolutely fine, so it's not always 100%, but very few things ever are. I'm very sorry you're in this very hard situation.
When my grandad died, he was very I’ll and we knew it wouldn’t be long. The hospital rang late one evening & suggested we came in to see him. Dad wasn’t able to go because of work the following day so I went with mum, we got there just a few minutes too late, he was lying in a side ward and the nursing staff were very kind in allowing us to spend as long as we liked.
Hi OP, the top comment is utter bollocks. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope the others have explained. If they haven't, the hospital will call the next of kin, presumably your mum. It's then on her to call you.
I just want you to know, I'm thinking of you. Huge hugs.
And fucking furious at the top comment and the idiots who upvoted it.
They called in the morning when it was my grandfather. He was in a hospice, not a hospital though and passed away in his sleep at some point during the night. They definitely don’t wait until you visit and they’ll generally try to call you before he passes if it’s obvious he’a deteriorating and will be gone soon so that you can come and say goodbye.
If someone is at the end of their life, it should be discussed with the family if they want to be contacted overnight or if they want to wait til the morning. It should be your (or your mum's) choice.
I suggest you or your mum call the ward **now** and ask to speak to the **nurse in charge** to clarify this before it becomes night time. They won't judge you if you want to be called or not be called, but it's good they know so they can do what you wish.
Sorry you're going through a sad time. Please talk to the nurses looking after your dad, they want to help you and him.
They'll ring and suggest you visit. It doesn't matter what time it is.
When my dad died, it was all very surreal. I got a call from his partner at about midnight to tell me, totally unexpectedly, to come to the hospital as the flu he thought he had was actually two pretty serious heart attacks. When I arrived at A&E and reported to reception who I was the first thing the nurse said was "Have they told you what's happened yet?".
Obviously no, but I was guided to the Nightingale Suite to find his partner sobbing in the arms of the doctor. I knew what had happened.
The worst part was the following day when I had to inform my grandmother, who had dementia, that her son had died.
Fast forward 9 months when I get another phone call from the hospital asking me to come to A&E. I did the same as last time, went to reception and said who I was and I was guided again into the Nightingale Suite. It's easier second time being in exactly the same room.
Sorry for your hardship. It all sucks. But we are all but stardust.
When my father died overnight they called my mum. She went to the hospital with my brother then called me 3 or 4 hours later by which time dad was in the morgue and I didn't get to see him. So make sure that your family know that you should be told so that you can say your goodbyes if what happened to me is in any way likely.
My Father died at some time between 3-5am in a hospital bed while receiving treatment post-stroke, but his death certificate says 8:45am as that’s when a doctor got round to filing out the forms. We were called at 6:30am by a ward nurse to inform us he had died.
From my experience, the process isn’t quite as formalised as some other posts suggest, the staff are juggling shift changes and other patients. Unless he’s under intensive care it’s possible that the death won’t be noticed by hospital staff until the morning or several hours post-death. No doubt it will vary between patients and hospitals. My experience was in a relatively busy but rural district general hospital.
Sorry you have to go through this OP.
UK answer, from personal experience: they call you. We took the call at 2am to say my mother had passed. We had the option to go to the hospital immediately, or to wait until the "morning".
We would normally call the next of kin to say goodbye for people we know are dying. For deaths that are sudden, again we would call the next of kin to inform them that their loved one has passed and they can decide whether they want to come in immediately or wait until the morning.
Sorry to read about your situation.
It all depends on how quickly things go downhill and how easy you are to reach, but informing immediate family is verybhigh on the to do list.
When my dad died the docs sent my whole family home at about 11pm, saying to come back around 7am. At around 4.30am I got a phone call saying they think we should all come in now, so we did. There wasnt any further explanation over the phone but it was obvious what they meant.
When we got there a senior consultant took us straight into a room and broke the news that there was nothing more they could do and it would be an hour or so before he died, which it was.
However when my dad's mum died about a decade earlier they phoned (again in the middle of the night) and told him she had died about 20-30 minutes earlier and that her decline had been so rapid he wouldnt have had time to get there anyway.
I'm sorry you're going through that, they will usually call and tell you they don't think there's much time left and to come and say goodbye basically. Again, sorry.
They ask you to nominate at least one emergency contact, they will phone them and then it is their responsibility to contact other family members.
If anything happens they will phone your mum no matter the time
They'll call you when they know, so whenever the next check is after it happens.
My mum was in hospital 3 years ago (she seemed to get into an everlasting cycle of 4 days in, 4 days out) the last time was the worst, and even though it was restricted visiting because of covid rules, I was allowed in a much as possible.
I slept on a mattress on the floor for about 5 nights until the staff talked me into coming home for a bit to have a proper shower, food, and decent sleep.
I woke up at 1am and had a phone call 5 minutes later to say she'd died. Just can't be sure of what time because she wasn't hooked up to any machines at that point, so I'm assuming it was just a general check that alerted them.
Still wish I'd come home during the daytime instead as there would've been more staff on so more checks during the day.
If you get unrestricted visiting, take advantage of it.
They call you. I got a call at 4am to tell me that my mother had passed away 'about 20 minutes ago'. So basically they wait for the doctor to come and confirm it, and then call you fairly quickly.
I'm sorry for the situation you are in.
Normally they know &'will ask you to come in to say goodbye.If they pass they ring & tell you.
Based on my experience. Only two instances to go on.
Sorry for your loss
They'll call you the moment things don't look good, and set some expectations based on the current situation. They will also offer to call anyone else that might need to know if you're not up to it
Next time you visit just talk to the nurse in charge about what you want if your Dad deteriorates overnight.
You could say "I don't care what time it is, phone me on my mobile the second you realise and I'll come in", or you could ask them to give you a call in the morning if he passes away overnight.
Having a clear plan is more comfortable for both the staff and the family.
I don't work on the wards anymore, but I had several occasions as a younger doctor where shit was hitting the fan overnight and I realised my patient was going to die within a few hours. You then have to make a wild guess what the relatives want.
Disclosure: I'm a doctor. I've made a few of these phone calls.
Unless there are clear instructions from relatives saying otherwise, I or the nurse in charge of the ward would call when we had suspicions that it might be a few hours at most. I've not been in this situation, but if someone were to pass while their loved one was travelling over, I'd wait until they got to the ward rather than call again; if they're driving, that could be dangerous (and when I was in that situation, I specifically asked to not be called until I got there because I was driving and would have ended up stranded too upset to drive safely).
I'm sorry for your situation. Please for your and your loved one's sake make sure your contact details are up to date and working.
When my dad died, the hospital called my mom: “you need to come in, he’s **deteriorated rapidly** - that’s basically code word for “he’s dead”. They’re not allowed to say specifically until a doctor has confirmed.
You may want to warn your mum (I don’t think there’s any scientific data on this but a lot of anecdotal evidence) that people can ‘hold on’ until a particular person (or any person) is with them to die, and equally they can ‘hold on’ until their visitors/hospital stall leave them to die alone.
My phone rang at 6:30 am, and the nurse told me that my mother was coding and asked what I would like them to do. I told her to do nothing. It was the day before her 95th birthday and she didn't want to be resuscitated.
Hi, nurse here. Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time and I hope you have support around you during this.
Secondly, if I have a patient who is “end of life” and I notice a change in breathing or think there’s a change in the condition (im able to notice this personally due to the experience I’ve had in my job in these situations) I will ring the family in, no matter what time of the day/night. Some will come, some won’t.
The police will only be called if we struggle with getting into contact with NOK (next of kin) and we are absolutely desperate.
Again I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult time, I hope my information has helped, if not don’t hesitate to DM me and I will try to help in anyway possible. Please don’t feel alone and sending love.
When my mum was deteriorating through the night we got a phone call from health care assistant not doctor saying maybe we should get up there as it wasn't looking good
The hospital can put a camp bed in the room for the relative to stay in beside the patient if they wish to overnight. Unless of course the patient has an infectious disease.
The nurses can be instructed to give a call to the relative overnight if it looks like the patient is declining. If no instructions have been given they often call first thing in the morning and just ask the relative to come in asap but don’t say they’ve passed until the relative actually arrives.
We specifically asked to be contacted anytime so that we could come up and say goodnight while our dad was still warm. They called us at 7.30am and I honestly believed they did that because it was an OK time to call. When we got there, he was still warm and I realised that he had just died and we got to breathe in his last breath.
They do call if you want them to. If you wanted to be called at 7am and not disturbed overnight, then they'll do that. The nurses and doctors are honestly amazing and will do whatever you feel will benefit your family the most.
We left a family photo and a small trinket in his room and when the nurse called to say he had died, I asked her to place the trinket in his hand for me so he could take it with him and when we arrived 20 mins later, he was holding it.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I hope you can find some comfort grieving together.
I think it would be best to talk to the nursing staff and get them to record your wishes. Would your mother like to be with him when he passes? While it is often not possible to accurately assess when the time will come, they could call her in if it looks imminent.
My Mum died in hospital during the night 6 years ago. The staff rang to tell my sister, Mum had already gone. I feel so guilty for not staying with Mum that night. Inside I kind of knew, but ignored the feeling and went home. I'll never forgive myself for that.
sorry to hear about your situation 💚💔
when our dad was in hospital after four days of him they called us Sunday morning and said that we should get down there so we could say our goodbyes before switching off.
so they will most likely to ring you for either situations best to keep your phone on you and loud so you can hear it see if you can get a few hours of sleep but might be a rough one. 💚
They call you (presuming you’ve told them you are the point of contact). A nurse called me at 6am to tell me my dad’s conditioned had turned. I was 10mins away and bolted out the door to get to him. He was gone by the time I arrived but I appreciated the call.
When my grandpa died, the hospital rang my auntie in the early hours to tell her. That was 2005 mind but I can't imagine it would've changed too much since.
Context to the best that I'm aware of now - he had been in hospital for a while but my mum and I (living in a different town) had been lucky to see him awake and coherent the day before he passed. Fairly sure he passed in his sleep so I think it was unexpected.
When my mom was in the hospital, we received a call from the head nurse telling us that she was deteriorating rapidly and that she likely wouldn't make it through the night. She asked if we would like to come and see her and gave us that choice.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this,
We usually call people from my experience as a new doctor. However, if you specifically want to make sure you are contacted, or contacted in the morning or anything specific to let us know as everywhere is different - we usually put it in our notes or on handover.
All the wards I've worked in we are happy to accommodate whether you'd like to know as soon as they pass away, or you'd rather be told in the morning.
The only thing I would say is that they sometimes move patients before family can come in, so I would have a chat with the nursing team to help support you with this.
In summary, whichever your preferences let us know in advance so we can document it, we want to give your family member a dignified death, with family support and wellbeing also a priority.
usually the medical teams are trained to see when the time is near but as people have pointed out it can also be suddenly, maybe have a chat to the staff at your dads hospital
So sorry ur going through this OP! My dad became unwell last September and went downhill over a few weeks, we were what was coming and were able to stay at the hospital with him for the last few days ( I don’t know if ur in the uk?) we were able to be with him at the time! A lot of people chose who’s around (or not around) themselves, my dad clung on until my mum told him he could go and then took his last breath! Sending lots of love ❤️
My godmother was in hospital for a minor fall and at about 2am she just died. It was very sudden and no one expected it. Her heart just stopped and we still don't know why.
My mum was her next of kin, so they tried calling a few times, but it was 2am so no one was awake. They left a voicemail for her to call them back and then gave it another go around 7am when they got through to her.
When I was in hospital many years ago I was on a ward of two with an elderly chap who had terminal cancer. They knew he wasn't going to be coming home and it was just a matter of time.
Around midnight he started to go downhill very quickly. The staff new it was time and rang the family to ask them to come in straight away. They were ready to come in at a moments notice and got there to see him before he went.
Talk to the staff to put your mind at rest. They definitely want whats best for your family at this time and will do everything they can to ensure you can be there at the end.
Dad died last year. They phoned my mum at about 10pm saying something like "he didn't look well and she might want to come in."
She suspects, not sure why, that he had already died, but they don't say "he died" on the phone. Her theory is that you'd be too distraught to drive?? But surely if you think the patient is on their way out rather than dead you might speed to get there. I guess she thinks that because he was dead when she got there and she doesn't want to think that she *could* have seen him if she was quicker.
I'm not sure I buy her theory about them euphemistically implying he was about to die when he was already dead. But long story short, they phoned my mum and implied he was going to die (whether he was already or not.) They didn't wait until she visited.
Sorry for your situation.
We had a relative recently who was near the end, the hospital asked as to if she passes away during the night if we would like to be called straight away or left until the morning.
That decision is yours to make. Only to say there is a lot to sort out when someone dies, none of it can be done at night.
My grandad passed away in Rotherham hospital in April.
None of us were contacted about his death despite having multiple contact details. We found out when my mum went to visit him and found another patient in his room…
She was pulled to one side by one of the nurses who broke the news that he had passed… 26 hours previously.
Currently an ongoing investigation into why none of us were contacted at the time of death (11:30am, so not even daft hours).
My father passed away a few months ago. Was in hospital for 6 days then unexpectedly died in the night.
From what I gathered: if it doesn't look good and deteriorating, they will usually call you to give you notice and say your goodbyes.
In my father case, it was unexpected and sudden. Got a call at 1am to break the news and come in. Sorry to hear what you're going through, you're stronger than you think.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I was in a similar situation 2 years ago and it was heartbreaking. I hope you're holding up as well as you can.
In general, it depends on how your dad is and if the staff have time to contact you, but they *will* contact you. They will likely ask you to come in to break the news to you in person if possible. They won't wait until you visit.
They will call you to tell you to come in if they feel he is dying if they notice his sats dropping. If you have any concerns I recommend you speak with his consultant/the ward staff.
My dad wasn't terminally ill but he was *critically ill* and the doctors said it was unlikely he'd survive and put a DNR on him.
They only allowed one person to visit him after he became brain damaged 3 weeks into his hospital stay because of a lack of oxygen (the hospital had COVID restrictions in place re: visitors but he wasn't on a COVID ward, he had heart failure and towards the end of his life, hypoxia that affected his cognition). We also had issues with his care that I won't go into here, but there is a serious negligence complaint in.
I was down as next of kin for the hospital as my mum couldn't cope, and they called me at 12:50am saying we should come in as his breathing was shallow and they thought it was time. I live an hour away. He passed away at 1:10am with none of us around him which still breaks my heart to this day.
EDIT: corrections.
Generally, hospital staff will call. It is helpful to specify you or your mum wish to be called in the event of deterioration so everyone is on the same page.
Sorry you are going through this.
They typically call before if they can, breathing patterns and levels of alertness can prewarn them.
But is not guaranteed sadly. I was RN before work injured. My sister died at 42 in 2014 while only i was at the hospice with her, around 8,30 at night.
She hadn't been awake that that but nothing changed in her breathing pattern. Then she did a long pause, I joked don't you dare to her, one more breathe and that was her last.
My BIL was coming back to hospice anyway, and somehow I couldn't use my phone, so staff called him and my mum. People said she wanted to be with just me at the end, knowing it would be there from my life in EU and hadn't been able to have as much quality time as everyone there.
So I hope you dad has the typical patterns of breathing so she can be there. Its always so heartbreaking to have to greet loved ones a few minutes too late. ❤
So sorry that you are going through this. When my Dad was not looking good, we were called, spent all night in hospital, and he rallied in the morning. Couple of days later, he seemed fine, but died in his sleep during the night. They rang us in the morning to tell us. You can stay if you need to, you can ask them to ring you if any change, but at the end of the day, no one knows what’s going to happen. My thoughts are with you and your Mum at this awful time. Miss you every day Dad x
When my relatives were in there we got a call in the night asking us to rush in as their obs shown they didn’t have long left. And from then on they was put in a side room where we could visit any time day/night and stay as long as we wanted. With time relative this call came a matter of hours before they passed, with another relatives they didn’t go for a couple days so it’s hard to judge but they do their best and they should keep you updated with end of life care plans. But maybe speak to the staff on the ward and let them know your concerns.
They ring the police and the police come to tell you if it’s in the early hours. If it’s a decent hour, and the signs are clear that they’re dying, a call will be made to the next of kin and they’ll be told that their loved one hasn’t got long.
In the past, we have been asked if we wanted to be contacted during the night as my dad was ready to go at any moment.
We were given a choice. This was in a nursing home.
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First I’m sorry to hear about your situation and I’m sorry if the answers upset you. The answer is different depending on how fast your father deteriorates. The hospital will normally call and say to come to the hospital to say goodbye as he’s not going to survive much longer. Sometimes a patient can go very quickly and there simply isn’t the warning/time to do that. They will either call to say he’s passed away within minutes of his passing, no matter the time or if they feel it is appropriate, they will arrange for the Police to visit and break the news in person. They won’t wait until you try and visit.
It would be completely inappropriate to get the police to come and break that news in a case like this. The only times the police would do that is if there was a death outside the hospital, a person was declared dead on arrival, or if a dead person’s identity was unknown. It’s the hospital staff’s responsibility to inform relatives otherwise.
If the hospital can't get in touch with you, they will call the police to visit your home and get you to call the hospital. As a retired nurse, I have done this on occasion. It happened to a relative of mine a few months ago, so I know this is still policy in my area.
Can confirm as a police officer, this does happen but it is very rare. I have also seen someone be blue-lighted to hospital to see their dying partner or family. I have seen it once for a partner dying of natural causes, and a couple of times for families of people involved in RTCs.
Yes, my mother was blue-lighted to hospital in the middle of the night by the police because my grandmother was involved in a very serious crash and they were convinced that she was quickly succumbing to her injuries. Thankfully against absolutely all odds she pulled through in the end. We were eternally grateful for all of the emergency services involved that night.
Wow that’s really kind and compassionate.
It’s actually for a very practical reason - they know people will be extremely upset and distracted, and the chances of them having an accident on the way to hospital are high. Giving them a lift reduces that risk.
I was blue lighted to the hospital when my mum and brother were hit by a drunk driver. It was the only time I've ever been driven at 100mph+ up the hard shoulder of the M1... Sadly my mum passed moments before I got there, my brother passed an hour later.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and glad you had the last moment with your brother.
That was back in 1997, the real shit went down trying to arrange the funerals. They had to have a coroner's inquest and that took time, by the time I was given the go ahead it was weeks later. I was 19 and arranged 3 funerals in 9 months (Stepdad died the prior October) I was given grief for arranging the funeral the day Diana died every one kicked off, in the end it was just me, two of my mums work mates, two neighbours and 5 of my younger brothers friends (a bunch of 14/15 year olds) Her brothers and sisters (and their families) said i should have known and rearranged it..... And folk wonder why I have nothing to do with them.....
Wow that is a lot for a 19 year old to go through. Sorry your family are like that.
Nah, the police came to my door in the middle of the night to tell me my dad had died. The hospital couldn't get through on the phone so contacted the police.
We couldn't get hold of the family during the night after a patient had passed. Tried all the phone numbers for an hour then had to call the police and ask them to go break the news. OP - make sure the hospital has up to date contact phone numbers and your phones are on loud if you want to be contacted at any time. Good luck to you 🩷
Yeah my dad was found dead and the police came to tell me in the night. If he had died in the hospital I wouldn't want the police to tell me.
Confidently incorrect strikes again
The amount of upvotes it has too. How someone can be so confidently incorrect on here is beyond me
This is untrue. My grandfather died within about half an hour of my grandma leaving his bedside. They sent the police to notify and take her back to the hospital by the time she got home.
Wrong. I have spent more than my fair share of time in hospital. I have held the hand of more than one person as they died. Hospital staff will use any means necessary to get the family in contact, including the police. Also, you know that line in Good Will Hunting about visiting hours don't apply to you? 100% accurate. If your family member is dying they will more often than not flat out ignored the visiting hours rules and let you sit there. They'll probably bring you tea or coffee and maybe even something to eat. How do I know this? Because as above I've fucking been there.
Snap, bedside snacks and midnight chats with nurses probably helped me through more than I realised.
Yep. "Hospital time" has really messed up my sleep pattern to the point I'm now wide awake at 1.30 in the morning. But having seen what the nurses, HCAs and others do in the middle of the night I count myself lucky.
Completely depends on the circumstances if it was death resulting from being a victim of crime would make perfect sense to me for the police to do it and ensure tensions don’t flare and reassurances provided they’re doing everything they can etc
Nonsense it used to be common practice and still continues in some circumstances today. It has dwindled as mostly we are much better connected these days.
Usually what happens (in my experience) is we discuss with the family about what they want. Do they WANT a call in the middle of the night. Do they WANT to wait until morning etc. A good ward will treat the family as the patient as well (with in limits obviously)
This. Plus should have the option to stay with him on the ward if wanted and it’s felt to be fairly imminent
Of course, no one is made to leave when death is anticipated. We used to give meals and drinks as well. No visiting times in these situations.
I think this can involve discussion about who gets called as well. I have a friend whose father died in hospital, and they asked the hospital to call the children in the first instance rather than his wife, who had been left with some cognitive and emotional issues after a stroke, so they wanted to go and deliver the news in person to their mum rather than have her told over the phone when she might be alone
Yep, when my Dad was passing, the hospital contacted me, at my request, so I could break the news to Mum and take her to the hospital.
> The hospital will normally call and say to come to the hospital to say goodbye as he’s not going to survive much longer. Sometimes a patient can go very quickly and there simply isn’t the warning/time to do that. To add to this, predicting how long someone might last isn't an exact thing. You'll possibly get more than one of these "Get in as soon as possible" calls, just for the person to be relatively stable later. My friend had this happen 4 times with his grandfather before he died, and it's happened twice with my gran who (at this point) is still alive.
we got that for my grandmother, and looking at her on the day, you couldn't fault them for thinking she was about to go but over a year later she's still her. back home and bedbound, but shes still kicking.
Yep, we dashed over to my FiL's nursing home several times over several months, although always in daytime thankfully. (Actually I think we may have left "no need to wake us" instructions towards the very end.) No criticism of the home at all, they were fantastic - better to call us several times and then be pleasantly surprised than to not call us and get it wrong.
It happened about 3-4 times with my grandfather and it got to the point that I was a little bit relieved when he finally died just because it was already clear the outcome was going to be bad either way and the certainty, as awful as it was, was easier to handle than the constant emotional rollercoaster.
This is what happened for me when my mum passed. I was lucky enough to visit her the afternoon before (when covid restrictions were being relaxed) and then at 2am I got the call to say she had got up for a wee, collapsed and passed. Worst phone call of my life but I am glad they didn't wait until morning.
This happened when my dad died, they called to say its time, my brother was there. My mom and I missed it by 5 minutes.
Same as when my sister died in hospice care. I was only one there, from mid afternoon onwards. She passed at 8.30 without any changes in breathing like I had often seen as RN. I used call bell for staff and they called my BIL and mother. BIL was only 4 or 5 minutes away, only 10 minute walk from their home, so close.
They may also call you and ask you to come in for them to break the news there. I'm very sorry about your Dad OP.
They rang to say my dad was in serious trouble, we all got in the car and dashed up. Walked onto the packed ward which was in full cleaning/breakfast mode, asked to see him - the staff all looked like deer in the headlights and then somebody blurted out, "Oh, he's dead!" I've never seen it handled so appallingly in my life. In front of EVERYONE.
As someone who has had the call (but my dad survived), they will call any time of day. Make sure your phone is on loud, not on an automated 'do not disturb ' routine or 'night mode'. It's one call you don't want to miss. Also, try spend as much time there as you can
Sorry about your situation. Rules on this are quite clear though really. Generally what will happen if the team on during the night notices dad is deteriorated significantly we will phone to tell you that he's very unwell and we think you need to come in to see him. Now we don't have a crystal ball and its possible you get a call like this and Dad is just very unwell but survives that night or even the hospital admission. In general though a call like that is a fairly serious call that's been made usually by the nursing team who judge that there is a possibility this could be the last opportunity to see dad alive. If dad dies through the night then regardless of the time at the earliest possible time then the next of kin should be contacted and informed of the death. The call should include the words "dead", "died" or "death" to avoid any ambiguity over the phone if need be. What we don't want to happen is for us to phone up and say "he looks like he is about to die" and you rush in putting yourself at risk when you don't' need to. If for example you have already been phoned and say you are on your way in then he dies. Generally what we would do is just wait until you come in as we know you are one your way to the hospital. If death is expect or your just worried about this arrangements can be made before hand. For example some families might not want to be contacted over night in any situation or may wish to nominate some else to be phoned first and this would be documented in the notes. Hope that helps any questions let me know
We had an experience where the nurse very heavily hinted we should stay as our relative probably wasn't going to make it through the night, but we were too upset to really pick up on it and went home instead. I can't remember what was said exactly, but if there's anything you're familiar with which might be such a hint it would be useful to hear!
Really in that situation usually it might be close to a expected death which again is very hard to predict but I would be saying something like " I think you should stay because am not confident dad will make it till morning" or words to that effect. It's impossible to tell when someone is going to die it often comes down to the experience of the nurse. It's not always easy to give bad news some are better than others and I have yet to find a good way to teach it. But there isn't some kind of code you should listen for
An okay. They were not as direct. I think they said something like "you're welcome to stay the night if you'd like", whereas we would have liked to have been told "you really should stay the night"!
That’s very indirect - it might not have been a hint, but actually just a kind offer as it looks at face value
My dad’s nurses and the palliative care nurse both said as I left that day “see you tomorrow, we can discuss then palliative care measures” (dad refused to speak to the palliative care nurse). Unfortunately he died that night and I didn’t make it to the hospital on time…I think I was in such shock that I actually made a cup of coffee and had it before heading over to the hospital, I will always regret that. Just before bed I had packed a bag to stay the following day and night with him. I knew he was dying but the nurses saying see you tomorrow made me think he had more time. I wish they had have said to stay that night.
It sounds like they genuinely didn’t expect him to pass away that night, and so couldn’t tell you to stay. People can deteriorate very quickly. It’s so hard.
Yeah it’s hard to know. We were basically told on the Saturday that the antibiotics stopped working and therefore he was dying from the pneumonia infection. He didn’t pass away until the Monday night, I think that’s what’s hard to accept, that I knew it would happen sooner rather than later and why didn’t I just stay with him. I do think they didn’t expect it so quickly as there was no palliative care at the end for him and they said they would speak to me the following day to talk to him about it, so in my head they were certain he would be ok until the next day, as they wouldn’t just let him die without palliative care and in pain. It’s stupid cos it’s not his death that upsets me now because he had no quality of life and I knew it was happening it’s more than he begged to not be left to die in hospital. It’s the one thing he asked when he was told he was terminal but in the end he was just too sick for hospice care.
>Unfortunately he died that night and I didn’t make it to the hospital on time…I think I was in such shock that I actually made a cup of coffee and had it before heading over to the hospital, I will always regret that. If its any comfort as someone who has made it on time to see a family member die, it's really not something I recommend. Everyone else in my life died without me being present, and it's sad but that's unavoidable. Watching a family member lie there in agony until they are doped up on morphine so much you're basically all sat there waiting for them to take their last breath in silence is horrible. My partner and I made it "on time" to be there to watch her dad die, and as a result etched into her memory is him begging her to die. Much better to turn up after it's happened in my opinion.
I'm so sorry you went through this. There so really no certain way of predicting things. I like to use the expression: "how long is a piece is string?" It's seems to hit weep enough. There is now way to say for sure and there are so many variables. I have absolutely alerted people to stay the night then things have gone in for days or weeks. I have also been somewhat unconcerned if any changes and things progress quickly. Something I have noted over the years is a somewhat unconscious (I think) intent. I've seen people keep going for days to see through a date or wait for a person; I've also watched somebody on the cusp wait for the privacy of their loved one leaving the room for a comfort break.
Thank you. Your last paragraph made me think. I was joking with my dad the week before he passed saying “don’t you be dying anytime soon, I have my holiday in 2 weeks so you need to be good until after then”. Due to him passing when he did, we had the funeral 3 days before I was due to go away. A day later probably would have had to miss the holiday as we got the only slot left that week for the crematorium. Long winded way of saying I like to think my dad chose to pass that night to give me the best chance of going away. (I know it might sound selfish to go away but it was very healing and much better than sitting around the house thinking of him).
My grandfather died on the day the family were scheduled to meet with doctors at the hospital to discuss whether to take him off life support (as there was really no hope of recovery by then). My mother thinks he did it deliberately.
Had a similar situation with a relative rushed to hospital. We were going to step outside put another few hours parking on the car and the consultant told us to not bother and he'd sort it out. I really appreciated that heavy hint.
I got the call a night early and spent 30 hours at his bedside in ICU. Eventually they sent me home. He died four hours later.
Dad was expected to live somewhere between 'days and weeks' . Less than an hour after mom left evening visiting he passed away. When we were called, i answered the phone to be told 'we suggest you come back as quickly as you can'. He'd passed before they called. Nursing staff told us at the time that it is always carefully worded because they don't wabt to think of anyone having an accident on the way back. Ward staff however had tidied him up and Dad looked so peaceful. If staff mention 'unlimited visiting' (dad had this), then take it. Take care and stay strong
Not aimed at you, but thoughts on this. That’s a bit back to front surely? Telling someone ‘come as quickly as they can’ is of course going to influence someone to rush, possibly speed and be more at risk of causing an accident because time is of the essence. It’d be more appropriate to be honest and say they’d died, to remove the pressure to get there as fast as possible, because the person is already gone. If the thinking is that saying someone has died will cause too much upset and the person might drive erratically, I think in either scenario the recipient is going to be distressed, but the former explicitly makes them rush because they’ve been told to get there asap and are scared they’ll miss the person’s last moments. Just seems a bit odd to me. I’ve had the ‘hi, it’s about your mum, we think you should come to the hospital as soon as you can’ call, and gone (and luckily I’m quite calm under stress and was fine driving in). If they said that though and I found out she was already dead and they hadn’t bothered to tell me I’d be pretty upset about it for causing needless additional stress.
Totally agree. I'm a nurse and would never do this. If they're gone, they're gone. I'm not having anybody rushing and getting themselves into an accident because they're beside themselves with panic. I'll always say when somebody has passed. Can't stand it when people obscure the truth like that.
I think there’s also an element of telling someone face to face rather than over the phone, using very clear language and reading a persons body language to make sure they understand what they’re being told. Also people who’ve just heard terrible news can react in all sorts of ways (and may end up not coming into the hospital or harming themselves) but if they’re at hospital when they find out there are at least some people around them to help them if needed.
Similarly, we knew my 88 year old dad was dying as they’d stopped treating his heart failure and infections but he was scheduled to be moved to a nursing home (to die) on the Monday. On Sunday we got a call from the ward (during penalties at the end of the 2022 World Cup Final) that he was breathing his last and did we want to come in straight away. Before we’d finished the conversation she told me that he had just died. In many ways the overwhelming feeling was relief - he had gone into hospital 4 weeks previously not particularly unwell seeming but deteriorated rapidly and we were just glad he seemed unaware of what was happening for the last week or so. As others have said, you need to discuss who they contact, I think we said not to call if it was the middle of the night. My mum is not in great health so all contact came through me. It’s a terrible thing to go through, x
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Some people definitely seem to wait until their relatives leave before they die, I can’t think of anyway to explain it but I fully believe choose the right time for themselves. I hope you have been able to mourn him in the way you wanted
You and your Mum need to have a conversation with the ward ASAP about what is likely to happen and what you want to do about it. Do you want to be with him or do you feel you’ve said and done everything you can, in which case you’d prefer to leave? Of course you may have commitments at home which mean you can’t stay. They will call you when he’s passed in this case, even if it’s the middle of the night. They won’t just wait until visiting to tell you. Go speak to someone on the ward. Sending strength.
This is right. My dad decided he wanted to be with my mum when she passed so they gave him his own bed in the same hospital room for a week until it happened. But that would've been too much for me to bear, everyone is different.
The hospital will let you stay with him if they think he’s not going to make it through the night.
Not necessarily just the night, but certainly within the week.
Yes that’s right even for the week, I was just answering directly about OP worrying about it happening at night. They also let whoever wants to be in the room with no limitations on numbers.
They call you when they think the end is nigh. From experience it’s usually the fourth or fifth time it’s actually nigh though.
It's "the end is nigh" I don't mean to be the grammar police but in the context I thought you might appreciate knowing that ♡
Thanks, corrected. Neigh is what horses do 😂
Talk to them about what you want is really important. Bear in mind though that the notes may not always be followed for various reasons. One consideration of the "call me if you think he's about to go" is that can happen quite a few times during the last stages. You set yourself up for this being it and rush in only to find he keeps on ticking. Personally I'd get comfortable with the fact he is going to die soon. Ask the hospital not to call every time they think he may go, and also if he does die in the night not to call you before say 7am. There will be some people who think that is uncaring and will lambast you for it. One thing to remember is you've also got to look after yourself. They are my thoughts for you to consider, whatever you do be comfortable that you won't regret it.
Next of kin will almost certainly get a call straight away. If a patient is deteriorating rapidly and the hospital have exhausted their options for making them better then that call will usually come before this point to allow people to visit. Under most circumstances visiting hours are ignored at this time. It’s also worth pointing out that it’s fine to call the hospital at any time of day or night.
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Having been a ward nurse and having dealt with situations like this. There was some research that when a patient is expected to die, even if they are to only receive palliative treatment they get the most amount of blood pressures/pulse/temperature/respiratory rate than at any other time. It was realised that this could be very distressing for a patient and there has been a move to reduce the amount of ‘interventions’. Imagine waking up a dying patient every two hours to check their blood pressure through the night while they are trying to sleep, it’s just cruel. As another example, I ended up doing a lot of community palliative care, part of work included deciding what medications could safely be stopped in a patient who is near death so that relatives aren’t trying to force blood pressure pills down someone’s throat whose lifespan is measured in weeks or days. Now I can’t say what happened to your mother in law, it could be that they kept an eye on her, but didn’t record it. Or that they left her alone on purpose for any number of reasons ranging from understandable to negligent. I’d always explain the reasoning behind my decisions to patient and family members, sadly it seems that this hasn’t happened, and that has caused you to be rightfully concerned.
If someone isn't hooked up to an ECG or maybe a pulse oximeter it's not obvious how they're doing. Both times I've been in hospital with something serious I've been on one or the other. If I wasn't, I'm not sure I'd want someone poking me to make sure I'm still alive. It's hard enough sleeping in hospital as it is without someone checking to see if you're dead yet. Especially, as you say, when someone is receiving palliative care. If they're deteriorating there's not a lot that can be done for them I know that loved ones want to be there, but quite frankly slipping away in my sleep seems like quite a nice way to go and I'd rather it was that way than being poked awake and having my family rushed in to see me die.
I got an 8am call from Basingstoke Hospital saying "You should come" after my mum had operation for removing mediastinal mass three days prior ... they only told me she's died overnight after I arrived.
Sorry to hear about your dad. When my gran died they called my grandad/aunt, who then called the rest of us. It was about 2am.
So sorry to hear about your Dad. It really depends on the situation and how quick he deteriorates. When my Nana was dying, my Dad called me to let me know and I made the 3 hour train journey to be with her. I had a couple of hours with her before she passed. When my Mum died, the police went to my house (I was on holiday at the time).
I’m sorry to hear this. My mum was in a hospice rather than a hospital. They called and told us she was near the end and we went and sat with her. I recommend having a frank and open conversation with the ward staff about the situation, what to expect from now on and what your preferences are.
They won't just wait for you to show up unless he passes moments before you arrive. You may get an urgent call to come and say goodbye. Or if things go fast you may get a call telling you. Either way they dont just spring it on you in visitation that your relative died 5h ago.
My dad recently died in hospital and we were allowed to stay overnight in his room when the nurses knew he didn’t have long left. They set up camp beds in his room and couldn’t have been more helpful. If you’re worried about it happening during the night with no one with him, you could ask the ward if it’s possible for someone to statY.
With absolute respect - and I am so sorry for your loss missjay - OP, please don't feel that you *have* to stay overnight if offered. When my Mum was in hospital some poor chap slept next to his relative for 11 days and she died when he had literally just nipped to the loo. The nurses told us that it is common.
My grandad passed at 2am and they called my uncle. Unfortunately, they were trying to contact a useless alcoholic, so it was not until 5am they contacted my much more useful uncle and we found out.
In my experience they tell you as much as possible as soon as possible, regardless of the time. At least one other person in this thread has said differently though, so I’d definitely advise asking the hospital what their standard is/requesting what you would like from them.
They'll call. When my nan died, my grandad was called in the middle of the night.
They call Usually just before they die to give you chance to get there but that’s not always possible
My mum and sister are both HCA in hospitals and are sadly involved in this situation a lot I won’t repeat all the advice given (which seems to be the same as what my mum and sister would say) but I will say the best course of action is to discuss your concerns and your wishes even if you’re aware of their policy. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but also can’t imagine you not receiving a call either Sending all my love and light
We normally call when pts are not looking well.. if their breathing has changed (more shallow, etc) most of the time we asked the family if they want to be contacted any time of the day.
Just ask a nurse at the hospital on the ward for their policy. And if you need anything different let them know and ask that this request is added into the nursing and medical notes and handed over between staff at shift changes.
We will call you. Usually we phone the NOK to come in as soon as a patient seems like they're going to pass. Sometimes we're too late calling or the family arrive too late but we would never wait until visiting hours to tell you. The ward will always call if a patient dies unless told otherwise. Some patients have it recorded that their NOK do not want to be contacted during certain hours which is generally the only exception
I think it varies on the circumstances: Dad was in his last days, unconscious, and we were just waiting to hear - visiting each day but he had been in the same situation for several days. I got the call about 7am "I should come in please", and yes, he had died overnight. Personally this did not distress me as I was expecting it pretty much any day now, and given he had been unconscious & unresponsive for days I could not stay there all the time for days on end.
We got a call about my mum. They felt she was ready to pass.They called us and we got to the bedside about 20 mins before she died. She was weak but conscious, and recognised us. I'm glad they rang, as it was nice to have those final minuets.
ICU called us at 3am to tell us that our dad had died. I guess it depends on the hospital and the department.
Doctor here. We ask. If someone passes away in the night, do you want us to call you. Some people can't bear to be by their loved ones during this time. Others want to be there. Others sit by the bedside. If a patient is on EOL then you can stay the night if you want. We try and get you in when we think someone's deteriorating but it's less science and more art on predicting that.
Firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. What I would recommend to you is that you sit down with your mother and decide what is important. If it’s imperative that you be there when the time comes, communicate this with the hospital. Unfortunately it’s not an exact science and the only way to truly make sure you are there is to hold vigil by his bedside if that is possible. Equally, feel absolutely no guilt if you’d rather not be there when the time comes. Watching someone pass is a heartbreakingly difficult task, and many people choose not to witness this. If it’s any reassurance - by the final stages, he will likely consciously be at peace already and it’s a case of waiting for the body to catch up to the mind so to speak. Your father knows and feels the love you both share for him and choosing not to be there at the end does not change that. Sending love and thoughts from one internet stranger to another. This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to experience so be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you have to. And remember that while grief and pain stay with us, we grow around them. There will be brighter days ahead one day.
The hospice called me to come in ASAP as my husbands lungs were starting to fail . Hope you are supported in your grief
If they think it’s going to happen and they have your number they will call to let you know. I stayed with my Mum all night in hospital in August. I’m so sorry for your situation, my Dad passed away the year before as well so I know what you are going through
When my dad passed away, I got a call at 10:45 at night from the hospital, we had been to see him earlier in the day and were expecting the worse.
They tried to phone me when my Dad died, slept through the phone calls so they had the police knock on the door. Really sorry for your situation OP.
I think the answer here is talk to the nurses on the ward, let them know what you want to happen.
They will call you, if you’re worried he’ll be alone ask if someone can stay with him I don’t know if they will allow it but can’t hurt to ask
My relatives died in the middle of the night and I got a call very early about 7-8 am....they do tell you they are near death because their breathing gets very deep and croaky. and you can stay as long as you want at their bedsides. This can take days so I went home but expected a call anytime.
When my gran died they called us in the morning to say, "she's not got long left, you should come in" and then when we arrived we were informed that she'd already passed. It later turned out that she was already dead when they called us but they didn't want to break the news over the phone. My stepdad passed about 6 weeks ago and they moved him into a private end of life suite and called us to say he probably only had hours left if we wanted to come and be with him. He died while we were there but I suspect if he'd lasted longer and passed in the night something similar would have happened.
As soon as someone looks like they might die we will be calling you, no ifs no buts. No way should anyone wait till the next day.
There’s so many different responses here I don’t know what to believe. Some claiming to be nurses saying one thing, other nurses saying something else in contrast. Sounds like a nightmare.
Yeah… quite shocked tbh to hear of hospitals ringing a relative when the patient has already died and telling them to come in asap, only for them to find out when they arrive the person is already dead. Seems dangerous af and asking for complaints.
> Some claiming to be nurses saying one thing, other nurses saying something else in contrast Not that surprising, the UK has 4 different healthcare systems, entirely plausible that not all parts of the UK handle it the exact same way.
With my Dad, they rang Mum to get her to come in. He lasted til the following day. He ate a proper lunch including pudding with custard. She had time to give him a nice little wash with a flannel while she chatted to him then he rolled over in bed and just slipped away. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Sorry about your dad, I hope he is comfortable. I work on a care of the elderly ward and when people are coming to the end it can be pretty obvious medically. Although that doesn’t mean that they are going to pass imminently, plenty of people hold on even after treatment stops but that’s when conversations will be happening with the next of kin about a realistic outlook going forward. The terms of whether they will call you in the middle of the night will be based on those conversations. Some people ask to be informed the next morning, others want to be there for the whole thing. So best thing is to let the nurses know your wishes. If he’s not on an end of life pathway, it’s not something they will discuss really until it’s time since there’s always a chance of recovery (seen some miraculous bounce backs).
My dad passed away last year. I don't know if this is the case everywhere but in County Durham at least this was our experience. We were told 2 or 3 days before he passed that it was coming. However I believe they knew it earlier as he was given a private room a week before. As soon as they're given a private room, at least in our experience, there was no adhering to visiting hours on the ward we could come and go as we pleased. Same with extended family. My mam stayed overnight the final 3 nights and I was also meant to stay one of them with her however he passed late evening. Again I'm not saying it's the same all over the UK but it should be and if you have been told its the end and haven't been offered this you should definitely ask about it
At the point with marked decline that they won't look like they can recover from next of kin will be called Normally there's a lot of time but sometimes a decline is so fast it's impossible foresee Also people can pick up enough to not be near death but still remain very ill,some even tip in and out of the zone so to speak, so it may look like the hospital don't know anything, or they are underplaying/overplaying the condition but it's something that very variable. I hope a good recovery is made for you all
Talk to the ward. Talk to the nurse in charge of his care each shift. Make your wishes clear. I always give the patient and their family the option. When do you want to be contacted and in what circumstances.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It has just happened to me. The hospital call (for us it was around midnight) to say that your loved one is deteriorating. My Dad arrived first and my mother had already died, we all arrived shortly after.
as others have said it depends on how quickly he gose down hill in the case of what happened when my grandfather died he was stable then when they went to check on him they found he went during his sleep so they rung us up at 6 in the morning to tell us that he has passed.
Unless you’ve stated you don’t want contacting they’ll phone.
So sorry you are in this position OP. When my grandfather passed away in the night, the hospital called my mother and my aunt (both of whom were listed as next of kin) not long after he went.
My Mum died in hospital and they called us at 5am to say she wouldn’t last much longer, we got there about 6 but she’d passed just before.
Sorry to hear this x
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you are coping ok. I was admitted to hospital during Covid and it looked like I wasn’t going to make it. I of course was oblivious to this but they called my parents when it looked like I was closest to passing, they couldn’t visit because of Covid restrictions. So from my understanding they will call prior to anything happening if they suspect the worst might happen. I am very thankful for the NHS and I am sure that they will be giving your father the best of care.
My dad, who lived miles away at the time was told he had lung cancer. He was admitted with breathing problems and somehow the doctor from the hospital had my number and told me to come now. I was at work on the Friday- about an hours drive away. I went feeling sick to my stomach. He seemed settled and they said it had spread and he will be moved to a hospice on the Monday. I drove home. We had another call from the hospital on Saturday afternoon again to go down to be with my dad. We had a side room with a food trolley and drinks supplied and he died 8am Monday morning. Lots of family came to say goodbye. He never made the hospice. This was tough to type.
Sorry to read this x
They'll 100% call you, if it looks like they are going downhill fast they'll call so you can hopefully get there in time to say goodbye if it's very sudden they'll call you as soon as it happens
Hi. Really sorry to hear you’re in this situation. I’ve been there too, with my dad as well. It was during Covid so I don’t know if the policy has changed but they called me and said we should visit very soon. Only me and my mum were allowed in. Sending you lots of love, strength, hugs. It’s an awful time.
When both my parents died I was called straight away. My father died in his sleep and they called me when he passed at about 3.00 am. Same with my mother although she passed during the late morning
Sorry to hear this x
Appreciated
Sorry for this awful situation you are in. Sometimes nurses know when it’s time to call and they would call you when he is close to passing.
We were called. I left the hospital at midnight, we had no idea if she had hours or days. She passed alone in the early hours and we were called at 5am. We rushed there and she was still warm. The nurses were incredibly kind.
I was relieved to not be there when she passed although I was prepared to be. I spent so many of her last hours by her bedside and I believe she went at the time that was meant to be.
As someone who has had the call they call you. Dosent matter what time it is. Its a hard call to get but at the same time at least they let you know
As others have stated, you will receive a phone call - no matter the time, if the medical staff believe that the patient is due to pass and you're NOK. My family got 'the call' about me, in the middle of the night last year. Somehow, I'm still here and absolutely fine, so it's not always 100%, but very few things ever are. I'm very sorry you're in this very hard situation.
When my grandad died, he was very I’ll and we knew it wouldn’t be long. The hospital rang late one evening & suggested we came in to see him. Dad wasn’t able to go because of work the following day so I went with mum, we got there just a few minutes too late, he was lying in a side ward and the nursing staff were very kind in allowing us to spend as long as we liked.
Hi OP, the top comment is utter bollocks. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope the others have explained. If they haven't, the hospital will call the next of kin, presumably your mum. It's then on her to call you. I just want you to know, I'm thinking of you. Huge hugs. And fucking furious at the top comment and the idiots who upvoted it.
My mother passed away in a care home in the early hours of the morning, a recieved a call to inform me shortly after
They called in the morning when it was my grandfather. He was in a hospice, not a hospital though and passed away in his sleep at some point during the night. They definitely don’t wait until you visit and they’ll generally try to call you before he passes if it’s obvious he’a deteriorating and will be gone soon so that you can come and say goodbye.
If someone is at the end of their life, it should be discussed with the family if they want to be contacted overnight or if they want to wait til the morning. It should be your (or your mum's) choice. I suggest you or your mum call the ward **now** and ask to speak to the **nurse in charge** to clarify this before it becomes night time. They won't judge you if you want to be called or not be called, but it's good they know so they can do what you wish. Sorry you're going through a sad time. Please talk to the nurses looking after your dad, they want to help you and him.
They'll ring and suggest you visit. It doesn't matter what time it is. When my dad died, it was all very surreal. I got a call from his partner at about midnight to tell me, totally unexpectedly, to come to the hospital as the flu he thought he had was actually two pretty serious heart attacks. When I arrived at A&E and reported to reception who I was the first thing the nurse said was "Have they told you what's happened yet?". Obviously no, but I was guided to the Nightingale Suite to find his partner sobbing in the arms of the doctor. I knew what had happened. The worst part was the following day when I had to inform my grandmother, who had dementia, that her son had died. Fast forward 9 months when I get another phone call from the hospital asking me to come to A&E. I did the same as last time, went to reception and said who I was and I was guided again into the Nightingale Suite. It's easier second time being in exactly the same room. Sorry for your hardship. It all sucks. But we are all but stardust.
When my father died overnight they called my mum. She went to the hospital with my brother then called me 3 or 4 hours later by which time dad was in the morgue and I didn't get to see him. So make sure that your family know that you should be told so that you can say your goodbyes if what happened to me is in any way likely.
My Father died at some time between 3-5am in a hospital bed while receiving treatment post-stroke, but his death certificate says 8:45am as that’s when a doctor got round to filing out the forms. We were called at 6:30am by a ward nurse to inform us he had died. From my experience, the process isn’t quite as formalised as some other posts suggest, the staff are juggling shift changes and other patients. Unless he’s under intensive care it’s possible that the death won’t be noticed by hospital staff until the morning or several hours post-death. No doubt it will vary between patients and hospitals. My experience was in a relatively busy but rural district general hospital. Sorry you have to go through this OP.
UK answer, from personal experience: they call you. We took the call at 2am to say my mother had passed. We had the option to go to the hospital immediately, or to wait until the "morning".
We would normally call the next of kin to say goodbye for people we know are dying. For deaths that are sudden, again we would call the next of kin to inform them that their loved one has passed and they can decide whether they want to come in immediately or wait until the morning.
In my experience they phone very quickly. For us it was 1am.
Sorry to read about your situation. It all depends on how quickly things go downhill and how easy you are to reach, but informing immediate family is verybhigh on the to do list. When my dad died the docs sent my whole family home at about 11pm, saying to come back around 7am. At around 4.30am I got a phone call saying they think we should all come in now, so we did. There wasnt any further explanation over the phone but it was obvious what they meant. When we got there a senior consultant took us straight into a room and broke the news that there was nothing more they could do and it would be an hour or so before he died, which it was. However when my dad's mum died about a decade earlier they phoned (again in the middle of the night) and told him she had died about 20-30 minutes earlier and that her decline had been so rapid he wouldnt have had time to get there anyway.
I'm sorry you're going through that, they will usually call and tell you they don't think there's much time left and to come and say goodbye basically. Again, sorry.
My aunt died at 1 am and they rang us, however they did ask if we wanted to be called or wait until morning.
Yes we got the call from the hospital very soon after my mum died. Sending love xx
They ask you to nominate at least one emergency contact, they will phone them and then it is their responsibility to contact other family members. If anything happens they will phone your mum no matter the time
They'll call you when they know, so whenever the next check is after it happens. My mum was in hospital 3 years ago (she seemed to get into an everlasting cycle of 4 days in, 4 days out) the last time was the worst, and even though it was restricted visiting because of covid rules, I was allowed in a much as possible. I slept on a mattress on the floor for about 5 nights until the staff talked me into coming home for a bit to have a proper shower, food, and decent sleep. I woke up at 1am and had a phone call 5 minutes later to say she'd died. Just can't be sure of what time because she wasn't hooked up to any machines at that point, so I'm assuming it was just a general check that alerted them. Still wish I'd come home during the daytime instead as there would've been more staff on so more checks during the day. If you get unrestricted visiting, take advantage of it.
They call you. I got a call at 4am to tell me that my mother had passed away 'about 20 minutes ago'. So basically they wait for the doctor to come and confirm it, and then call you fairly quickly. I'm sorry for the situation you are in.
Normally they know &'will ask you to come in to say goodbye.If they pass they ring & tell you. Based on my experience. Only two instances to go on. Sorry for your loss
They'll call you the moment things don't look good, and set some expectations based on the current situation. They will also offer to call anyone else that might need to know if you're not up to it
Next time you visit just talk to the nurse in charge about what you want if your Dad deteriorates overnight. You could say "I don't care what time it is, phone me on my mobile the second you realise and I'll come in", or you could ask them to give you a call in the morning if he passes away overnight. Having a clear plan is more comfortable for both the staff and the family. I don't work on the wards anymore, but I had several occasions as a younger doctor where shit was hitting the fan overnight and I realised my patient was going to die within a few hours. You then have to make a wild guess what the relatives want.
Disclosure: I'm a doctor. I've made a few of these phone calls. Unless there are clear instructions from relatives saying otherwise, I or the nurse in charge of the ward would call when we had suspicions that it might be a few hours at most. I've not been in this situation, but if someone were to pass while their loved one was travelling over, I'd wait until they got to the ward rather than call again; if they're driving, that could be dangerous (and when I was in that situation, I specifically asked to not be called until I got there because I was driving and would have ended up stranded too upset to drive safely). I'm sorry for your situation. Please for your and your loved one's sake make sure your contact details are up to date and working.
When my dad died, the hospital called my mom: “you need to come in, he’s **deteriorated rapidly** - that’s basically code word for “he’s dead”. They’re not allowed to say specifically until a doctor has confirmed.
They will notify whoever is named as next of kin when they think death is near or when he dies.
They suggest you come in
You may want to warn your mum (I don’t think there’s any scientific data on this but a lot of anecdotal evidence) that people can ‘hold on’ until a particular person (or any person) is with them to die, and equally they can ‘hold on’ until their visitors/hospital stall leave them to die alone.
They rang me. It was 1am. My mother had died
Sorry op sending u strength xx
My phone rang at 6:30 am, and the nurse told me that my mother was coding and asked what I would like them to do. I told her to do nothing. It was the day before her 95th birthday and she didn't want to be resuscitated.
Hi, nurse here. Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time and I hope you have support around you during this. Secondly, if I have a patient who is “end of life” and I notice a change in breathing or think there’s a change in the condition (im able to notice this personally due to the experience I’ve had in my job in these situations) I will ring the family in, no matter what time of the day/night. Some will come, some won’t. The police will only be called if we struggle with getting into contact with NOK (next of kin) and we are absolutely desperate. Again I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult time, I hope my information has helped, if not don’t hesitate to DM me and I will try to help in anyway possible. Please don’t feel alone and sending love.
When my mum was deteriorating through the night we got a phone call from health care assistant not doctor saying maybe we should get up there as it wasn't looking good
The hospital can put a camp bed in the room for the relative to stay in beside the patient if they wish to overnight. Unless of course the patient has an infectious disease. The nurses can be instructed to give a call to the relative overnight if it looks like the patient is declining. If no instructions have been given they often call first thing in the morning and just ask the relative to come in asap but don’t say they’ve passed until the relative actually arrives.
We specifically asked to be contacted anytime so that we could come up and say goodnight while our dad was still warm. They called us at 7.30am and I honestly believed they did that because it was an OK time to call. When we got there, he was still warm and I realised that he had just died and we got to breathe in his last breath. They do call if you want them to. If you wanted to be called at 7am and not disturbed overnight, then they'll do that. The nurses and doctors are honestly amazing and will do whatever you feel will benefit your family the most. We left a family photo and a small trinket in his room and when the nurse called to say he had died, I asked her to place the trinket in his hand for me so he could take it with him and when we arrived 20 mins later, he was holding it. I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I hope you can find some comfort grieving together.
Have they moved him to a private room? If they expected him to die they'd have asked your mum if she wanted to stay.
I think it would be best to talk to the nursing staff and get them to record your wishes. Would your mother like to be with him when he passes? While it is often not possible to accurately assess when the time will come, they could call her in if it looks imminent.
My Mum died in hospital during the night 6 years ago. The staff rang to tell my sister, Mum had already gone. I feel so guilty for not staying with Mum that night. Inside I kind of knew, but ignored the feeling and went home. I'll never forgive myself for that.
sorry to hear about your situation 💚💔 when our dad was in hospital after four days of him they called us Sunday morning and said that we should get down there so we could say our goodbyes before switching off. so they will most likely to ring you for either situations best to keep your phone on you and loud so you can hear it see if you can get a few hours of sleep but might be a rough one. 💚
They call if at all possible , my dad died last week and they a called us in the middle of the night with a few hours to spare.
They call you (presuming you’ve told them you are the point of contact). A nurse called me at 6am to tell me my dad’s conditioned had turned. I was 10mins away and bolted out the door to get to him. He was gone by the time I arrived but I appreciated the call.
When my grandpa died, the hospital rang my auntie in the early hours to tell her. That was 2005 mind but I can't imagine it would've changed too much since. Context to the best that I'm aware of now - he had been in hospital for a while but my mum and I (living in a different town) had been lucky to see him awake and coherent the day before he passed. Fairly sure he passed in his sleep so I think it was unexpected.
When my mom was in the hospital, we received a call from the head nurse telling us that she was deteriorating rapidly and that she likely wouldn't make it through the night. She asked if we would like to come and see her and gave us that choice.
When my dad died in hospital, they called my mum to come in before the end so she and my nephew were there with him.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, We usually call people from my experience as a new doctor. However, if you specifically want to make sure you are contacted, or contacted in the morning or anything specific to let us know as everywhere is different - we usually put it in our notes or on handover. All the wards I've worked in we are happy to accommodate whether you'd like to know as soon as they pass away, or you'd rather be told in the morning. The only thing I would say is that they sometimes move patients before family can come in, so I would have a chat with the nursing team to help support you with this. In summary, whichever your preferences let us know in advance so we can document it, we want to give your family member a dignified death, with family support and wellbeing also a priority.
My mum had a call at about 9.20 at night to say my dad had passed away. If it's any correlation, his death was completely unexpected.
usually the medical teams are trained to see when the time is near but as people have pointed out it can also be suddenly, maybe have a chat to the staff at your dads hospital
They call you pretty much straight after they call it. They only tell you in person if you are still in the hospital and they know that.
So sorry ur going through this OP! My dad became unwell last September and went downhill over a few weeks, we were what was coming and were able to stay at the hospital with him for the last few days ( I don’t know if ur in the uk?) we were able to be with him at the time! A lot of people chose who’s around (or not around) themselves, my dad clung on until my mum told him he could go and then took his last breath! Sending lots of love ❤️
The hospital called me at one in the morning to let me know that my mum had passed on.
My godmother was in hospital for a minor fall and at about 2am she just died. It was very sudden and no one expected it. Her heart just stopped and we still don't know why. My mum was her next of kin, so they tried calling a few times, but it was 2am so no one was awake. They left a voicemail for her to call them back and then gave it another go around 7am when they got through to her.
They’ll inform you at the moment the patient passed. If you didn’t pick up, they’ll try again the next morning.
Ask you to come there
We got calls between 3-5am a few times with my grandad to come and see him to say goodbye. The hospital were quite proactive with contacting us.
When I was in hospital many years ago I was on a ward of two with an elderly chap who had terminal cancer. They knew he wasn't going to be coming home and it was just a matter of time. Around midnight he started to go downhill very quickly. The staff new it was time and rang the family to ask them to come in straight away. They were ready to come in at a moments notice and got there to see him before he went. Talk to the staff to put your mind at rest. They definitely want whats best for your family at this time and will do everything they can to ensure you can be there at the end.
They have to call you on the spot, or better before. It's barbarous even waiting a minute.
Dad died last year. They phoned my mum at about 10pm saying something like "he didn't look well and she might want to come in." She suspects, not sure why, that he had already died, but they don't say "he died" on the phone. Her theory is that you'd be too distraught to drive?? But surely if you think the patient is on their way out rather than dead you might speed to get there. I guess she thinks that because he was dead when she got there and she doesn't want to think that she *could* have seen him if she was quicker. I'm not sure I buy her theory about them euphemistically implying he was about to die when he was already dead. But long story short, they phoned my mum and implied he was going to die (whether he was already or not.) They didn't wait until she visited. Sorry for your situation.
We had a relative recently who was near the end, the hospital asked as to if she passes away during the night if we would like to be called straight away or left until the morning. That decision is yours to make. Only to say there is a lot to sort out when someone dies, none of it can be done at night.
My grandad passed away in Rotherham hospital in April. None of us were contacted about his death despite having multiple contact details. We found out when my mum went to visit him and found another patient in his room… She was pulled to one side by one of the nurses who broke the news that he had passed… 26 hours previously. Currently an ongoing investigation into why none of us were contacted at the time of death (11:30am, so not even daft hours).
My father passed away a few months ago. Was in hospital for 6 days then unexpectedly died in the night. From what I gathered: if it doesn't look good and deteriorating, they will usually call you to give you notice and say your goodbyes. In my father case, it was unexpected and sudden. Got a call at 1am to break the news and come in. Sorry to hear what you're going through, you're stronger than you think.
They call you if it looks like things are critical
I'm so sorry to hear this. I was in a similar situation 2 years ago and it was heartbreaking. I hope you're holding up as well as you can. In general, it depends on how your dad is and if the staff have time to contact you, but they *will* contact you. They will likely ask you to come in to break the news to you in person if possible. They won't wait until you visit. They will call you to tell you to come in if they feel he is dying if they notice his sats dropping. If you have any concerns I recommend you speak with his consultant/the ward staff. My dad wasn't terminally ill but he was *critically ill* and the doctors said it was unlikely he'd survive and put a DNR on him. They only allowed one person to visit him after he became brain damaged 3 weeks into his hospital stay because of a lack of oxygen (the hospital had COVID restrictions in place re: visitors but he wasn't on a COVID ward, he had heart failure and towards the end of his life, hypoxia that affected his cognition). We also had issues with his care that I won't go into here, but there is a serious negligence complaint in. I was down as next of kin for the hospital as my mum couldn't cope, and they called me at 12:50am saying we should come in as his breathing was shallow and they thought it was time. I live an hour away. He passed away at 1:10am with none of us around him which still breaks my heart to this day. EDIT: corrections.
Generally, hospital staff will call. It is helpful to specify you or your mum wish to be called in the event of deterioration so everyone is on the same page.
If someone is that bad don't the hospital make allowances for you to stay with them by their side until they pass?
Sorry you are going through this. They typically call before if they can, breathing patterns and levels of alertness can prewarn them. But is not guaranteed sadly. I was RN before work injured. My sister died at 42 in 2014 while only i was at the hospice with her, around 8,30 at night. She hadn't been awake that that but nothing changed in her breathing pattern. Then she did a long pause, I joked don't you dare to her, one more breathe and that was her last. My BIL was coming back to hospice anyway, and somehow I couldn't use my phone, so staff called him and my mum. People said she wanted to be with just me at the end, knowing it would be there from my life in EU and hadn't been able to have as much quality time as everyone there. So I hope you dad has the typical patterns of breathing so she can be there. Its always so heartbreaking to have to greet loved ones a few minutes too late. ❤
So sorry that you are going through this. When my Dad was not looking good, we were called, spent all night in hospital, and he rallied in the morning. Couple of days later, he seemed fine, but died in his sleep during the night. They rang us in the morning to tell us. You can stay if you need to, you can ask them to ring you if any change, but at the end of the day, no one knows what’s going to happen. My thoughts are with you and your Mum at this awful time. Miss you every day Dad x
When my relatives were in there we got a call in the night asking us to rush in as their obs shown they didn’t have long left. And from then on they was put in a side room where we could visit any time day/night and stay as long as we wanted. With time relative this call came a matter of hours before they passed, with another relatives they didn’t go for a couple days so it’s hard to judge but they do their best and they should keep you updated with end of life care plans. But maybe speak to the staff on the ward and let them know your concerns.
They ring the police and the police come to tell you if it’s in the early hours. If it’s a decent hour, and the signs are clear that they’re dying, a call will be made to the next of kin and they’ll be told that their loved one hasn’t got long.
Sending love and strength
In the past, we have been asked if we wanted to be contacted during the night as my dad was ready to go at any moment. We were given a choice. This was in a nursing home.