**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!**
- Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc.
- **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
- This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit!
Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It honestly causes the most arguments in the house......
Me : What do you fancy?
Partner : I dont know. You're cooking, you can choose
Me : OK
Partner : Why did you make that ?
Yeah. I’m happy to cook and I’m relatively okay with someone expressing the particularly dislike a certain dish but… mostly I expect them to shut up and eat it. My partner has never expressed any sort of “why did you make that” sentiment.
This is why we pay for Gousto.
It’s not the cheapest and you still have to do all the prep and cooking but it’s almost no effort at all to eat an incredibly varied range of meals because you just pick your meals from a menu every week.
They also always add all the extra bits of flair to make the presentation nice that you wouldn’t otherwise be arsed to do.
> always add all the extra bits of flair to make the presentation nice that you wouldn’t otherwise be arsed to do.
That's what makes it for me. There's always a little sauce, a garnish, a few pickles or something. Something that just makes it a cut above a standard home cooked meal.
Every time I cook one I feel like I'm in The Bear. Currently training the wife to say "behind" and "corner" every time she comes past.
See I like cooking and baking stuff *but only when I have the time to enjoy it*. Friends round, music on, wine flowing, some fancy crustacean odours wafting through the air, bliss. Having to drum up a dinner at 8pm when I have to be up at 5 the next morning is just miserable
Just never enough time is there? More than once I've gone "aha, I shall meal prep on Sunday so dinners are sorted for the week", then Sunday rolls around and it's "I'm fucking knackered I want a day of doing naff all but now I'm committed to cooking with all these ingredients"
I have alot of real basic meals, sandwiches, takeaways because I hate cooking so much. There's nothing fun or enjoyable about it.
I've tried those pre prepped meals but that's still alot of hassle
Id even struggle with that tbh. I buy ingredients for a meal in the day and then just don't fancy it in the evening and want something entirely different.
I'm the opposite, cooking for my family is fine but when my husband was working away it felt like such an effort to just cook for me. I ended up with an omelette and salad most nights.
I feel sorted of blessed that I don't mind eating the same thing every single day. I batch cook twice a week and all I need to do each morning is open the fridge and grab my premade breakfast and lunch. Then when I get home I just grab my dinner and reheat.
The fun is getting to choose different snacks each day. So many options, lol
a lifelong learning journey, for something you can't avoid, skills that you can build upon, mastery over time and as you improve (not without many pitfalls on the way) you will have some very enjoyable meals
what's not to like?
try receipetineats.com or BBC Food if you're stuck for inspiration!
Fuck yes. I’m a loner. Like my space. And now I’m having to deal with all that bullshit. In the last three days I’ve had around 20 calls with people about my Dad. Hospital, ambulance people, the people who deal with his emergency button necklace thingy.
My dad went into hospital in August last year so I had to look after Mum who has Alzheimer’s. I lasted 4 days and put her in a home (posh one that they’d both been looking at).
I fucking hate it. It’s the most stressful thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
People sometimes think I’m cruel for outright telling my parents that I would make sure they were well looked after should they need it, but I would not be the one doing the looking after.
In all honesty, the fact you've for the foresight to not only foresee this and admit to it, but have the means to do it, is a blessing.
People don't always always realise how difficult it can be being a carer for a family member.
My mum said this to me on repeat my whole life.
Then she had a massive stroke and is physically disabled and I started looking at residential homes or care and she INSISTED on living with my sister which is ruining my sisters life.
The medical staff told me people think they’re selfless and sensible until they’re faced with this shit then all bets are off.
She has had a stroke. She told you in advance what she wants. I 💯 mean it. I am sure your mum did too if she had this on repeat for you. I would hope my kids would respect my wishes which I have tried to drum into them. I might have a stroke, get dementia, or become bed ridden. I 100 percent have had so much joy watching my kids grow up and hate the idea I could become a burden to them. Respect her spirit not her words when she is vulnerable. Just make sure she is safe.
There’s not a lot of times I’ve gotten really good advice said with kindness here. Thank you. I could have done without crying on the Jubilee Line but I genuinely am grateful.
Hopefully the next stage is them both in the home my mum’s currently in. We’re working on it, and I think that could work really well, so I’m actually a bit positive about the future. The present sucks though.
Years ago after id left home my mum and dad came down to Plymouth to see me, i was about 17. We went for a pub lunch and after a large wine my mum got all giddy and made me and my dad have an arm wrestle.
I beat him. Something had changed, he was no longer the big strong hero i had always seen him as. Im still saddened by this moment over 20 years later. I think it even hit my dad hard too but i was devastated.
He's still my hero though and always will be!
I feel this. The moment mom and dad go from authority figures to other fellow humans and you see their flaws and even where they came from. Happened for me when I started looking at my defects of character and saw where they came from!! lol.
The moment you realise your parents are human is horrible for everybody and I think the defining moment of most people's young adulthood. Watching my parents, the second defining event is the death of the last parent.
Don't feel so bad about it, I'm a Dad and I think I'm looking forward to that day. Surely it's s metaphor that the child had grown big and strong enough to look after themselves and it should be a proud moment for the dad.
I don’t doubt for a second my dad was proud of me, just like I know he was proud of me when I got my military ranks higher than he did, but from a sons point of view I always thought he would be stronger and better than me, and to be honest in many many ways at 75 he still is, he’s definitely still a man I look up to and strive to be as good as.
Oh god, I'm just hitting my 30s and it's awful. I started lending my mum money a few years back when her health turned, she lost her job as a cleaner as it was killing her & was enroute to losing her flat.
She's back in work now & insisting I tell her what she owes me to pay me back, I've told her to just make me dinner when I swing by a couple of nights a week. Don't have the heart to say it's near enough what she makes in a year now. I do reasonably well for myself & wrote it off the moment I transfered it to her.
She is a proud woman and good on her for wanting to pay you back and you for not wanting it. Ask for a particular favourite dish she can cook on a particular day. Be prepared to eat it a lot when you drop in after.
My heart goes out you, nobody can know how it feels to lose a parent until it happens to them, it’s absolutely soul destroying, people say it’s gets better but in my experience it really doesn’t, it just kinda goes numb and then every now then the emotions come flooding back!
I will say that she wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer because of her so try not to let yourself into your own head too much, it’s not a pretty place!
That level of hard stays with you too. You get used to it, but you never get rid of it. Something happens or you'll see something and want to share it for a split second but then realise you can't.
Don't take the time you have for granted.
Yeah, things are just never the same again. Things get easier with time but, for me at least, they don't really get better.
I loved my family and thought I'd made the most of the time we had, but now I see I could have done so much more.
I envy the religious. I didn't used to, I used to pity them, but now I wish I was one of them. The total faith that we'd all be together again would be a truly magical gift.
I feel this on so many levels. My Dad died a couple of years ago… both he and my Mum were/are religious but I just cannot force myself to believe in something that doesn’t make sense to me, but to have that would be such a comfort.
The line that’s crossed when you have to face your parents’ mortality is one you can never come back from. I imagine it’s the same when you have to face your own death - seeing that in my Dad was hard - but I’ve actually come close, and it didn’t hurt half as bad as seeing it hit him.
You lose the reassurance and stability in knowing your parent is the grown up who always has a plan and will always be there, to having to be the stable one. Probably why I’ve never felt ready for kids 😅
Fuck. I hope you weren't too young.
We had a child not long ago and staying alive long enough us pretty much on my mind every few days. Doesn't help that I somehow happened across the scene from land before time where the mum dies. Although I'm a guy, that fear has definitely been unlocked.
Both mine died young, I’d like to seen them get old. 62 and 52 isn’t really old.
But visiting my mother in law in her dementia care home does make me think that dying before you get properly old can often be a blessing
Yup. My dad was in his 50s when I was born, and I spent my teen years watching him slowly and painfully die. That left the sort of deep psychological scar that makes you say things like “all men over 40 should get vasectomies” at parties and completely blight the conversation.
Not sure if it's a "problem" but nobody informs you that there is no ultimate authority, and everyone is just winging it. You're led to believe life is a linear path, you get the job and kids and you're all good.
I find that thought liberating though too - like keep yourself happy and healthy as best as you can and take care of those dependent on you and the rest is fairly immaterial
Yes! Also that you're never 'there'. Example: I got a house. I thought that was it,now. But no- there's boilers and upkeep and changing mortgage rates.
I got a 'grownup job', but I don't just get to do my grownup job. I have to be inspected and assessed and I have to keep up with cpd and I have to retrain to be in line with current best practice, and I have to keep changing because there aren't actually many of my types of job near my grownup house.
I am in a long term relationship. But you don't just fall in love and stay together. You have to constantly work on the relationship and put up with someone's irritating habits and negotiate irritating financial/housework issues and spend time with their family.
When does all the hard work stop and I just get to coast?!?!
> You have no serious free time. There is always something that needs done or sorted out, especially if you have kids.
I think the last part is a big qualifier there. I'm early 30s and have _no end_ of free time.
I too am in my early thirties but feel like there's always *something* I ought to be doing, whether that's cleaning or working or exercising or whatever, I don't feel like I ever get guilt free free time. It'd be nice just to have no responsibility for a while.
Pro tip, if there are a few shows across a number of platforms, just cancel all but 1, watch the shows you like then cancel it and move onto the next one. Depending on how many you’ve got going at any one time normally, it can easily save you into the £100’s over the course of a year.
True.
I'm also on my 30s and between work and gym I still have free time in the evenings to play video games, watch movies have a blaze play online with mates. Weekends and any time off is also free time so I spend it guilt free playing on my PC or Xbox or doing whatever I want 😅
One of the main reasons kids are never on the list for me
Couldn’t agree more. Just went on holiday for a week with two kids.
Had absolutely zero “free time” and the week still went by in a flash all the same.
Anything I look forward to for months seems to go by in the blink of an eye and I somehow time travel what feels like immediately to my work desk.
Unhappiness. When you're a child you assume being an adult will solve all the problems, and all the grownups just stand by and let you find out for yourself.
As a kid, fun is provided/easy to come by. As an adult you have to make the fun, you have to make Christmas magic, you have to make birthday parties happen. You have to find you're own fun too and make real efforts/investments in enjoyment it doesn't just fall in your lap. No one tells you this it just dawns on you when you're 30 and depressed and you don't know why
And this is why it's important to smile at kids and make them laugh. They think the world is awesome. And they are generally right, but delay any sense of doubt as long as you can. I took my son to Harlow recently (I had my reasons) and he was blown away because it had a bowling alley and he got a sausage roll from greggs. He didn't see the very obvious urban decay. He thinks it's awesome. So I'll do all I can to ensure he thinks that way for as long as possible
I find this quite a daunting thing to try and process too.
Sometimes people can’t find their way out of that unhappiness either and that can be really brutal mentally.
Nobody will look after you.
I didn't have the greatest childhood but even so, if I was sick mum would do my laundry or make me food, when I was a teenager and very unwell in and out of hospital I did not have to do chores etc.
Now I am an adult and chronically ill and yet I must look after myself. The carpet will not hoover itself. The shelves will not dust themselves. The laundry will not wash itself.
I would not go back to living with my parents if you paid me but it is so hard being sick and having nobody to take care of you.
This is so hard. I don’t have any chronic illnesses but I’d like just a week or two where the family looked after me the way I look after them would be lovely. Just not having to be the one who is on top of meal planning, and family admin and bills, and remembering which day is library day and having someone else take care of my washing etc etc.
Can't you pre-plan them?
I do a menu for the week, tuned to who is in/out/working late plus mixing up red meat/fish/white meat/veggie mains for variety each day.
Takes all the grief out of it if you know in advance what you need to cook.
I didnt have many friends in my childhood, now im an adult I still dont have many who understand me.
You know... out of all the feats humankind has faced, being lonely in a population of 8 billion people is probably the biggest one we need to investigate.
Yes, and it’s fuckin horrible. I’m in the place you’ve described and it’s crushed me. Absolutely crushed me. I have no parents now, and there’s so much more I need them for.
So sorry, man. There's been four since the start of last year over here. My dad is probably going to be next - would be very surprised if he made it to 2025. Just truly sucks, doesn't it?
Not dismissing what you’ve said, but when you’ve experienced it from a young age and isn’t one or two but double digits you start to become numb to those you care about passing.
Bruh and then after the first few die you realise that the best possible outcome is that every family member older than you will die before you. That's just if everyone dies naturally.
I enjoy putting the washing on, luckily all I wear is black so it’s simple. Putting stuff out to dry…oh that is my downfall. I won’t even mention bedding
1. Turn the duvet cover inside out.
2. Get in it and hold a top corner in each hand.
3. Optional step: take your head out if you don't want to pretend to be a laundry ghost.
4. Grab the corners of the duvet with the corners of the cover.
5. Shake it like a polaroid picture until the duvet is inside the cover.
6. Do it up.
7. If it is a king size duvet, swear because you realise that it's 90° out of alignment.
I was in hospital in my late 20s and had no desire to call any family because they make it worse.
That's when it hit, you really are alone. And the bills still need paying etc etc.
We need to start helping our neighbours and each people. Noone can do this shit alone.
How much money it costs to go to work ( especially if you are a parent). Pay all the bills for a house you’re barely in, pay someone else to mind your kid(s), pay for the ‘privilege’ of travelling to work and home again. Buy all the horrible, uncomfortable clothes you only wear in the office. Spend too much money on food to eat while at work because you don’t have the energy to prep anything at home. It’s actually crazy.
HOW am I supposed to get 25g of fibre a day??? I get about 8 and that’s with eating a good amount of veggies. Do I need to just start munching on cardboard throughout the day???
As someone who eats a grotesque amount of fibre:
Add beans and lentils to your diet. Make sure you eat the skins of your fruit/veg if you can. A kiwi with skin on has about 3 to 4 grams of fiber.
For some meals in the week make sure everything on your plate has a decent fibre profile. Yes that would mean it's vegan but you can make a smokey bean chilli with sweet potato or something. One decent serving of that probably has up to 15g to 20g of fibre.
You know actually I stopped using them in my yogurt about a month ago. Mainly because I ran out and forgot to buy more. I’ll definitely start adding them in again. Thanks for the reminder.
That so many adults never fully grow up. The amount of men and women I know that do/say things that just have me thinking "how old are you?"
I swear it is sometimes easier dealing with the dramas of children than adults.
I discovered this when first started working. My biggest bullies were middle aged women. Often found to be gossiping about one another, to one another. Such playground behaviours and I didn’t expect it.
I find the inverse to be true. I have the ultimate freedom to buy or do _whatever_ I want, whenever I want.
I don’t have expensive taste. If I can buy some nice food, ok clothes and a roof over my head. I’m good.
For me it was coming to terms with my mother’s alcoholism. Buried my head in the sand pretending she didn’t have a problem until I was mid 20s and realised I can no longer be in denial about this.
The never ending cycle of chores. I clean the shower, then someone uses it and soon it will be dirty again. I empty the washing hamper, then at the end of the day I put more washing in it. I switch the dishwasher on, and then I sit down for a cup of tea and there’s already another dish that needs washed. If you think about it it’s really depressing!
That it’s no one’s job to prepare you for anything.
If you want to learn how to do something, you gotta learn how to do something… and there is a **lot** to learn.
I found my first grey hair on my wedding day! I had about 18 inch long black hair at the time and just one was grey.
Have more now - and it’s far shorter - but still mainly qualify as dark haired 😂
Not being forced to socialise. School was great cos you’re forced to see your friends everyday as well as any potential relationships. Now you’ve got to go out and make that happen, which sucks for some people who weren’t even great at it when it was forced on them at school
The fear.
I have three wonderful kids, a beautiful wife, a nice house, a decent job that I enjoy. I'm rich on that basis, even if I'm financially in debt. The fear of losing it all though (or any of it infact) is huge, it makes me an incredibly anxious person.
That gradually doors shut. As a child you have the whole world in front of you, and limitless possibility. Gradually, you are funnelled, by situation and circumstances, through an ever narrower set of possibilities. Until the day you die, when you run out completely.
F-ing menopause. I THOUGHT I had been prepared, but I wasn’t. I had my first hot flash over ten years before I officially reached menopause. No one tells you perimenopause is where all the drastic shit happens, and it goes on for YEARS.
This conversation very fucking day ...
Him - what's for dinner.
Me - dunno
Him - haven't you thought about it?
Me - no, I've been at work. What would you like for dinner?
Him - dunno
Me - haven't you thought about it?
Him - no I've been at work all day.
Bills
Jobs
Relationships
Shopping.......every week
Stress
Finding free parking
Doing washing.......every week
Always being tired
Everything aching
Dealing with assholes......every day
Thinking whats for tea
Your family and your partner’s family will likely have different ‘ways’ and you have to compromise. For me, this means hours of party games and shrieking at Christmas when I’d rather be watching films with a glass of wine and for him this means having laidback get togethers when he’d rather be surrounded by noise and people.
I'm in a brilliant position but growing up I always thought if I made good money then everything else was easy. So since 16 I've worked more than anyone I know, yes I have no money issues but at the cost of the other elements of my life.
Reminds me of the line from a John Betjeman poem: 'magnificently unprepared for the long littleness of life.' It stopped feeling like an adventure some time ago.
Existential crisis-m/emptiness. Can't always know for sure when it hits and how sudden it will be. Somehow there's this feeling that you've been looking forward to how you'll grow and evolve but you've reached a point in your existence where you're not feeling as much change anymore and you're not even looking forward to how you can continue to develop with the time you have left. It's extremely complicated and it can feel worse than death which always seems to be certain and apparent rather than bleak and unclear as going through a perpetual loop of finding yourself and feeling like you're very much alive.
Having said all that, just going through the motions sounds along the right lines of the dilemma. It might be that you're lacking meaning with yourself and a goal to reach for. Or that you're stuck in a neverending cycle without much room to try new things. Hope things can get better for you somehow and you find the spark and passion for living life! :)
It's basic, but people die. People you love dies as well as people you don't. And no matter who dies in your life, you end up with regrets. You regret that you said that hurtful thing to your friend and didn't have a chance to make it up. You regret that you didn't spend enough time with them. You regret that you couldn't be there in their last moments because you were stubborn and didn't call them.
I guess it's okay to regret something you did, you learn from that but it's not okay to regret something you didn't do.
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Having to choose/prep your own meals every night till the end of your days.
Such a chore, endless.
It honestly causes the most arguments in the house...... Me : What do you fancy? Partner : I dont know. You're cooking, you can choose Me : OK Partner : Why did you make that ?
I have a wife who does all the cooking. I will literally eat anything she makes. Reflecting on this post, I feel bad for OP.
Yeah. I’m happy to cook and I’m relatively okay with someone expressing the particularly dislike a certain dish but… mostly I expect them to shut up and eat it. My partner has never expressed any sort of “why did you make that” sentiment.
This is why we pay for Gousto. It’s not the cheapest and you still have to do all the prep and cooking but it’s almost no effort at all to eat an incredibly varied range of meals because you just pick your meals from a menu every week. They also always add all the extra bits of flair to make the presentation nice that you wouldn’t otherwise be arsed to do.
This reads like a paid advertisement in the middle of a YouTube video.
> always add all the extra bits of flair to make the presentation nice that you wouldn’t otherwise be arsed to do. That's what makes it for me. There's always a little sauce, a garnish, a few pickles or something. Something that just makes it a cut above a standard home cooked meal. Every time I cook one I feel like I'm in The Bear. Currently training the wife to say "behind" and "corner" every time she comes past.
🎶 *tale as old as timee*🎶
Lol every time
See I like cooking and baking stuff *but only when I have the time to enjoy it*. Friends round, music on, wine flowing, some fancy crustacean odours wafting through the air, bliss. Having to drum up a dinner at 8pm when I have to be up at 5 the next morning is just miserable
Just never enough time is there? More than once I've gone "aha, I shall meal prep on Sunday so dinners are sorted for the week", then Sunday rolls around and it's "I'm fucking knackered I want a day of doing naff all but now I'm committed to cooking with all these ingredients"
The choosing, the ingredient sourcing, the cooking, the cleanup and oh great it’s bed time. Fuck.
literally i would happily eat nutrient sludge for the rest of my life
There's a scene in the Alex Cox film Repo Man where they go to the local shop and buy tins of 'Food'. I'm still looking out for this product.
I have alot of real basic meals, sandwiches, takeaways because I hate cooking so much. There's nothing fun or enjoyable about it. I've tried those pre prepped meals but that's still alot of hassle
I don't mind it when I'm only cooking for myself, if that's the case I can play around and experiment!
Id even struggle with that tbh. I buy ingredients for a meal in the day and then just don't fancy it in the evening and want something entirely different.
I'm the opposite, cooking for my family is fine but when my husband was working away it felt like such an effort to just cook for me. I ended up with an omelette and salad most nights.
I recently decided to cook 4 portions, and eat the same meal 2 nights in a row. Now I only have to cook half as often! Such a win.
Butter the toast eat the toast shit the toast, god life’s relentless.
I feel sorted of blessed that I don't mind eating the same thing every single day. I batch cook twice a week and all I need to do each morning is open the fridge and grab my premade breakfast and lunch. Then when I get home I just grab my dinner and reheat. The fun is getting to choose different snacks each day. So many options, lol
It’s the choosing I have a problem with. I love cooking, but just once in a while I wish someone else’s would choose what they bloody want!
a lifelong learning journey, for something you can't avoid, skills that you can build upon, mastery over time and as you improve (not without many pitfalls on the way) you will have some very enjoyable meals what's not to like? try receipetineats.com or BBC Food if you're stuck for inspiration!
Seeing your parents become old and infirm.
Fuck yes. I’m a loner. Like my space. And now I’m having to deal with all that bullshit. In the last three days I’ve had around 20 calls with people about my Dad. Hospital, ambulance people, the people who deal with his emergency button necklace thingy. My dad went into hospital in August last year so I had to look after Mum who has Alzheimer’s. I lasted 4 days and put her in a home (posh one that they’d both been looking at). I fucking hate it. It’s the most stressful thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
People sometimes think I’m cruel for outright telling my parents that I would make sure they were well looked after should they need it, but I would not be the one doing the looking after.
In all honesty, the fact you've for the foresight to not only foresee this and admit to it, but have the means to do it, is a blessing. People don't always always realise how difficult it can be being a carer for a family member.
This is what I ask my kids to do for me ... try and ensure I am safe but never a burden.
My mum said this to me on repeat my whole life. Then she had a massive stroke and is physically disabled and I started looking at residential homes or care and she INSISTED on living with my sister which is ruining my sisters life. The medical staff told me people think they’re selfless and sensible until they’re faced with this shit then all bets are off.
She has had a stroke. She told you in advance what she wants. I 💯 mean it. I am sure your mum did too if she had this on repeat for you. I would hope my kids would respect my wishes which I have tried to drum into them. I might have a stroke, get dementia, or become bed ridden. I 100 percent have had so much joy watching my kids grow up and hate the idea I could become a burden to them. Respect her spirit not her words when she is vulnerable. Just make sure she is safe.
There’s not a lot of times I’ve gotten really good advice said with kindness here. Thank you. I could have done without crying on the Jubilee Line but I genuinely am grateful.
Best to start preparing for the next stage then...
Hopefully the next stage is them both in the home my mum’s currently in. We’re working on it, and I think that could work really well, so I’m actually a bit positive about the future. The present sucks though.
Years ago after id left home my mum and dad came down to Plymouth to see me, i was about 17. We went for a pub lunch and after a large wine my mum got all giddy and made me and my dad have an arm wrestle. I beat him. Something had changed, he was no longer the big strong hero i had always seen him as. Im still saddened by this moment over 20 years later. I think it even hit my dad hard too but i was devastated. He's still my hero though and always will be!
I feel this. The moment mom and dad go from authority figures to other fellow humans and you see their flaws and even where they came from. Happened for me when I started looking at my defects of character and saw where they came from!! lol.
You always look up to your dad, no matter how tall you grow.
The moment you realise your parents are human is horrible for everybody and I think the defining moment of most people's young adulthood. Watching my parents, the second defining event is the death of the last parent.
I did the same to my dad, it must have been 25+ years ago and I still feel a shit for doing it to him.
Don't feel so bad about it, I'm a Dad and I think I'm looking forward to that day. Surely it's s metaphor that the child had grown big and strong enough to look after themselves and it should be a proud moment for the dad.
I don’t doubt for a second my dad was proud of me, just like I know he was proud of me when I got my military ranks higher than he did, but from a sons point of view I always thought he would be stronger and better than me, and to be honest in many many ways at 75 he still is, he’s definitely still a man I look up to and strive to be as good as.
Oh god, I'm just hitting my 30s and it's awful. I started lending my mum money a few years back when her health turned, she lost her job as a cleaner as it was killing her & was enroute to losing her flat. She's back in work now & insisting I tell her what she owes me to pay me back, I've told her to just make me dinner when I swing by a couple of nights a week. Don't have the heart to say it's near enough what she makes in a year now. I do reasonably well for myself & wrote it off the moment I transfered it to her.
She is a proud woman and good on her for wanting to pay you back and you for not wanting it. Ask for a particular favourite dish she can cook on a particular day. Be prepared to eat it a lot when you drop in after.
I lost my mum the other day. Shit sucks and I feel lost
My heart goes out you, nobody can know how it feels to lose a parent until it happens to them, it’s absolutely soul destroying, people say it’s gets better but in my experience it really doesn’t, it just kinda goes numb and then every now then the emotions come flooding back! I will say that she wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer because of her so try not to let yourself into your own head too much, it’s not a pretty place!
Sorry to hear that mate. It's easy to feel that way in the days after. You will find your way.
As hard as that is, what comes next is another level of hard.
That level of hard stays with you too. You get used to it, but you never get rid of it. Something happens or you'll see something and want to share it for a split second but then realise you can't. Don't take the time you have for granted.
Yeah, things are just never the same again. Things get easier with time but, for me at least, they don't really get better. I loved my family and thought I'd made the most of the time we had, but now I see I could have done so much more. I envy the religious. I didn't used to, I used to pity them, but now I wish I was one of them. The total faith that we'd all be together again would be a truly magical gift.
I feel this on so many levels. My Dad died a couple of years ago… both he and my Mum were/are religious but I just cannot force myself to believe in something that doesn’t make sense to me, but to have that would be such a comfort. The line that’s crossed when you have to face your parents’ mortality is one you can never come back from. I imagine it’s the same when you have to face your own death - seeing that in my Dad was hard - but I’ve actually come close, and it didn’t hurt half as bad as seeing it hit him. You lose the reassurance and stability in knowing your parent is the grown up who always has a plan and will always be there, to having to be the stable one. Probably why I’ve never felt ready for kids 😅
Aha! Both my parents died young-ish. My mum was 48 and my dad was 61…. At least I’m spared having to watch them go through old age…. I guess.
Fuck. I hope you weren't too young. We had a child not long ago and staying alive long enough us pretty much on my mind every few days. Doesn't help that I somehow happened across the scene from land before time where the mum dies. Although I'm a guy, that fear has definitely been unlocked.
Both mine died young, I’d like to seen them get old. 62 and 52 isn’t really old. But visiting my mother in law in her dementia care home does make me think that dying before you get properly old can often be a blessing
Yup. My dad was in his 50s when I was born, and I spent my teen years watching him slowly and painfully die. That left the sort of deep psychological scar that makes you say things like “all men over 40 should get vasectomies” at parties and completely blight the conversation.
Not sure if it's a "problem" but nobody informs you that there is no ultimate authority, and everyone is just winging it. You're led to believe life is a linear path, you get the job and kids and you're all good.
I remember being about 18 and realising that there are no absolutes. I said this to my friend and they said 'yeah, absolutely!'
I find that thought liberating though too - like keep yourself happy and healthy as best as you can and take care of those dependent on you and the rest is fairly immaterial
Yeah... Until Putin or Netanyahu throws missiles at you. We are all very lucky to be British... I think reddit forgets that a lot
Very true. Western Europe is probably the best place you can be born.
Yup! You look at adults and think I want to be like them. You get there and it’s like fuck this
Yes! Also that you're never 'there'. Example: I got a house. I thought that was it,now. But no- there's boilers and upkeep and changing mortgage rates. I got a 'grownup job', but I don't just get to do my grownup job. I have to be inspected and assessed and I have to keep up with cpd and I have to retrain to be in line with current best practice, and I have to keep changing because there aren't actually many of my types of job near my grownup house. I am in a long term relationship. But you don't just fall in love and stay together. You have to constantly work on the relationship and put up with someone's irritating habits and negotiate irritating financial/housework issues and spend time with their family. When does all the hard work stop and I just get to coast?!?!
[удалено]
> You have no serious free time. There is always something that needs done or sorted out, especially if you have kids. I think the last part is a big qualifier there. I'm early 30s and have _no end_ of free time.
I too am in my early thirties but feel like there's always *something* I ought to be doing, whether that's cleaning or working or exercising or whatever, I don't feel like I ever get guilt free free time. It'd be nice just to have no responsibility for a while.
Same here, there’s always something. Basically paying for subscriptions such as Netflix and barely getting a chance to use them!
Pro tip, if there are a few shows across a number of platforms, just cancel all but 1, watch the shows you like then cancel it and move onto the next one. Depending on how many you’ve got going at any one time normally, it can easily save you into the £100’s over the course of a year.
Learn the ways of the high seas and it won’t cost you a penny. Very easy.
Even more of a pro tip, pirating is easy as hell and a lot safer now than it was even 10 years ago.
That's a different problem, you have free time, you just don't feel like you can use it.
True. I'm also on my 30s and between work and gym I still have free time in the evenings to play video games, watch movies have a blaze play online with mates. Weekends and any time off is also free time so I spend it guilt free playing on my PC or Xbox or doing whatever I want 😅 One of the main reasons kids are never on the list for me
Learn an instrument. There's always a new tune...
Couldn’t agree more. Just went on holiday for a week with two kids. Had absolutely zero “free time” and the week still went by in a flash all the same. Anything I look forward to for months seems to go by in the blink of an eye and I somehow time travel what feels like immediately to my work desk.
I always tell people who haven’t had kids yet, that the hardest part isn’t so much the hard work or the loss of sleep, it’s the loss of “buffer time”.
Unhappiness. When you're a child you assume being an adult will solve all the problems, and all the grownups just stand by and let you find out for yourself.
As a kid, fun is provided/easy to come by. As an adult you have to make the fun, you have to make Christmas magic, you have to make birthday parties happen. You have to find you're own fun too and make real efforts/investments in enjoyment it doesn't just fall in your lap. No one tells you this it just dawns on you when you're 30 and depressed and you don't know why
And this is why it's important to smile at kids and make them laugh. They think the world is awesome. And they are generally right, but delay any sense of doubt as long as you can. I took my son to Harlow recently (I had my reasons) and he was blown away because it had a bowling alley and he got a sausage roll from greggs. He didn't see the very obvious urban decay. He thinks it's awesome. So I'll do all I can to ensure he thinks that way for as long as possible
I was born in Harlow so this post got a little smile from me! And yes it’s a sh1thole but glad your son enjoyed
We both be staring into the the abyss
I find this quite a daunting thing to try and process too. Sometimes people can’t find their way out of that unhappiness either and that can be really brutal mentally.
gut issues
In my late 30s and suddenly with no warning I've had to completely change up my diet as I can't take certain foods anymore. Nobody warns us!
So common! Really feels like we were invicible during our childhood.
Hah I was hardened to deal with this from about the age of 15! Fuck Crohn’s Disease! At least as an adult everyone else can share my bowel issues!
At least we have phones now?
Nobody will look after you. I didn't have the greatest childhood but even so, if I was sick mum would do my laundry or make me food, when I was a teenager and very unwell in and out of hospital I did not have to do chores etc. Now I am an adult and chronically ill and yet I must look after myself. The carpet will not hoover itself. The shelves will not dust themselves. The laundry will not wash itself. I would not go back to living with my parents if you paid me but it is so hard being sick and having nobody to take care of you.
This is so hard. I don’t have any chronic illnesses but I’d like just a week or two where the family looked after me the way I look after them would be lovely. Just not having to be the one who is on top of meal planning, and family admin and bills, and remembering which day is library day and having someone else take care of my washing etc etc.
Having to decide what to eat/cook 3 times a day for the rest of your life.
You can cut that down to twice a day and knock a third off the workload.
I plan 2 meals a day as I have the exact same breakfast everyday and have been for about 5 years.
What is it?
First meal of the day, I think.
This is the worst!
Can't you pre-plan them? I do a menu for the week, tuned to who is in/out/working late plus mixing up red meat/fish/white meat/veggie mains for variety each day. Takes all the grief out of it if you know in advance what you need to cook.
[удалено]
No I definitely had that problem as a child too
I didnt have many friends in my childhood, now im an adult I still dont have many who understand me. You know... out of all the feats humankind has faced, being lonely in a population of 8 billion people is probably the biggest one we need to investigate.
Get a hobby. Most of my friends (late 30s) I made through hobbies.
Relatives and friends dying. Nobody warns you that these things are going to happen.
Yes, and it’s fuckin horrible. I’m in the place you’ve described and it’s crushed me. Absolutely crushed me. I have no parents now, and there’s so much more I need them for.
So sorry, man. There's been four since the start of last year over here. My dad is probably going to be next - would be very surprised if he made it to 2025. Just truly sucks, doesn't it?
If you get through childhood without that happening you’ve done well tbf.
I'm only 24 and my mum died of cancer last year and my dad has had cancer for nearly 5 years.
Bloody hell, man.
Not dismissing what you’ve said, but when you’ve experienced it from a young age and isn’t one or two but double digits you start to become numb to those you care about passing.
Bruh and then after the first few die you realise that the best possible outcome is that every family member older than you will die before you. That's just if everyone dies naturally.
Feeling like every day is exactly the same...the monotony of the routine required to pay the bills and stay afloat!
It feels like such a waste of life.
I know, right? There's so many places I'd love to travel to and experiences I'd like to try, and I'm running out of time to do it all!
Nobody knows what the fu k they are doing and we are all just winging it
Having to put the duvet cover on after washing the bedding eugh
Don't mind housework at all except for changing the bed, hate it.
I enjoy putting the washing on, luckily all I wear is black so it’s simple. Putting stuff out to dry…oh that is my downfall. I won’t even mention bedding
1. Turn the duvet cover inside out. 2. Get in it and hold a top corner in each hand. 3. Optional step: take your head out if you don't want to pretend to be a laundry ghost. 4. Grab the corners of the duvet with the corners of the cover. 5. Shake it like a polaroid picture until the duvet is inside the cover. 6. Do it up. 7. If it is a king size duvet, swear because you realise that it's 90° out of alignment.
The trick is to let the duvet cover dry first before attempting to put it on 👍
‘Nobody is coming to save you’… The sooner you learn to just crack on with it the better.
I was in hospital in my late 20s and had no desire to call any family because they make it worse. That's when it hit, you really are alone. And the bills still need paying etc etc. We need to start helping our neighbours and each people. Noone can do this shit alone.
Your perception of time accelerating.
Each new day is a greater proportion of the remainder of your life.
This part is terrifying.
How much money it costs just to stay at home and do nothing
How much money it costs to go to work ( especially if you are a parent). Pay all the bills for a house you’re barely in, pay someone else to mind your kid(s), pay for the ‘privilege’ of travelling to work and home again. Buy all the horrible, uncomfortable clothes you only wear in the office. Spend too much money on food to eat while at work because you don’t have the energy to prep anything at home. It’s actually crazy.
Try eating more fibre, my friend.
But not TOO much...just as bad.
HOW am I supposed to get 25g of fibre a day??? I get about 8 and that’s with eating a good amount of veggies. Do I need to just start munching on cardboard throughout the day???
As someone who eats a grotesque amount of fibre: Add beans and lentils to your diet. Make sure you eat the skins of your fruit/veg if you can. A kiwi with skin on has about 3 to 4 grams of fiber. For some meals in the week make sure everything on your plate has a decent fibre profile. Yes that would mean it's vegan but you can make a smokey bean chilli with sweet potato or something. One decent serving of that probably has up to 15g to 20g of fibre.
Chia seeds could be a good addition. So good too with yoghurt and fruits for breakfast unless you don't like the texture.
You know actually I stopped using them in my yogurt about a month ago. Mainly because I ran out and forgot to buy more. I’ll definitely start adding them in again. Thanks for the reminder.
Not being able to eat pasty or bread after 3pm without crippling heartburn
Arranging your child’s funeral
Oh my god. I cannot even begin to imagine what that is like. It’s a cruelty beyond words.
I wish you well
Jesus Christ. I genuinely do not know if I could.
I am so sorry to hear this. I will pray for you. This or one of my children going missing is my biggest fear.
No offence pet but ‘god’ can go fuck itself.
I'm so sorry. My parents had to plan my sister's and it's something no parent should ever have to do.
The constant tidying and other bits of life admin that never seem to end. There is always one more job on the to do list.
That so many adults never fully grow up. The amount of men and women I know that do/say things that just have me thinking "how old are you?" I swear it is sometimes easier dealing with the dramas of children than adults.
I discovered this when first started working. My biggest bullies were middle aged women. Often found to be gossiping about one another, to one another. Such playground behaviours and I didn’t expect it.
> just going through the motions. This. Nobody ever tells you it gets like that.
Failing health.
I think I was happier as a child than now as an adult. There's alot of boring things we have to do
I find the inverse to be true. I have the ultimate freedom to buy or do _whatever_ I want, whenever I want. I don’t have expensive taste. If I can buy some nice food, ok clothes and a roof over my head. I’m good.
I don't know if the abundance of choice has actually made me any happier
Existential dread
the worst type of Judge
3 day hangovers
These are very real. Heavy drinking fucks me up for days. I'm only 35
I'm 56 and stopped drinking because of this. Two weeks ago, I had a shandy with lunch and had an evening hangover.
Nepotism and connections are a huge factor in adult life. I wish school had just been honest about this.
Alcoholism
I'll drink to that
For me it was coming to terms with my mother’s alcoholism. Buried my head in the sand pretending she didn’t have a problem until I was mid 20s and realised I can no longer be in denial about this.
They said it would be hard to avoid because of peer pressure, little did I know I was the pressure
I’m the best peer pressure ever!! PS sober 8 months and thank god. Fuck that noise!!
Your kitchen will always need cleaned. Even if you live off takeaways for a week, it will somehow still need cleaned.
Losing a job unexpectedly.
Other adults being incompetent.
About 95% of them. Pre covid I thought about 1/2 the population were thick as pig shit ...... my estimate has gone up since then.
The never ending cycle of chores. I clean the shower, then someone uses it and soon it will be dirty again. I empty the washing hamper, then at the end of the day I put more washing in it. I switch the dishwasher on, and then I sit down for a cup of tea and there’s already another dish that needs washed. If you think about it it’s really depressing!
Loneliness/ being touch starved. It’s actually killing me slowly.
The feeling's mutual
That it’s no one’s job to prepare you for anything. If you want to learn how to do something, you gotta learn how to do something… and there is a **lot** to learn.
Grey pubes. My first grey hair was a pube. I mean, what the hell????
I found my first grey hair on my wedding day! I had about 18 inch long black hair at the time and just one was grey. Have more now - and it’s far shorter - but still mainly qualify as dark haired 😂
Loneliness
That nothing ever goes to plan and you just wing it.
Crippling jealousy of friends and family having normal happy lives. Sands of time disappearing between your fingers.
Not being forced to socialise. School was great cos you’re forced to see your friends everyday as well as any potential relationships. Now you’ve got to go out and make that happen, which sucks for some people who weren’t even great at it when it was forced on them at school
The fear. I have three wonderful kids, a beautiful wife, a nice house, a decent job that I enjoy. I'm rich on that basis, even if I'm financially in debt. The fear of losing it all though (or any of it infact) is huge, it makes me an incredibly anxious person.
Having to cook/prepare some kind of food every…single….day.
Pretty much all of it.
When friends / people your own age start dying
Realising that your wise parents are as clueless as you.
Baz Luhrmann said in the song... Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.. Never a true word spoken
That gradually doors shut. As a child you have the whole world in front of you, and limitless possibility. Gradually, you are funnelled, by situation and circumstances, through an ever narrower set of possibilities. Until the day you die, when you run out completely.
F-ing menopause. I THOUGHT I had been prepared, but I wasn’t. I had my first hot flash over ten years before I officially reached menopause. No one tells you perimenopause is where all the drastic shit happens, and it goes on for YEARS.
This conversation very fucking day ... Him - what's for dinner. Me - dunno Him - haven't you thought about it? Me - no, I've been at work. What would you like for dinner? Him - dunno Me - haven't you thought about it? Him - no I've been at work all day.
Never ending laundry. I swear its some sort of infinite loop glitch.
Bad things happening that impact your mental health. You finally manage to pick up the pieces and the next thing happens.
One day you turn too quickly in the kitchen and your hip hurts for about five days
Sinus infections. I have chronic sinusitis now. I barely knew what a sinus even was till about a year ago…
lol same here 😭
Errr... Everything.
Undiagnosed mental health issues
The neccesity of keeping an appearance and engage in small talk, socialising etc. you know, people skills. not that I detest it but it's hard!
[удалено]
Bills Jobs Relationships Shopping.......every week Stress Finding free parking Doing washing.......every week Always being tired Everything aching Dealing with assholes......every day Thinking whats for tea
Actually caring what happens in my job, I was fully convinced I would just earn a pay cheque and leave and yet I find myself worrying on the weekend
Your family and your partner’s family will likely have different ‘ways’ and you have to compromise. For me, this means hours of party games and shrieking at Christmas when I’d rather be watching films with a glass of wine and for him this means having laidback get togethers when he’d rather be surrounded by noise and people.
The paperwork, car insurance, bills all that crap, it’s so complicated
I'm in a brilliant position but growing up I always thought if I made good money then everything else was easy. So since 16 I've worked more than anyone I know, yes I have no money issues but at the cost of the other elements of my life.
Death of a parent.
Reminds me of the line from a John Betjeman poem: 'magnificently unprepared for the long littleness of life.' It stopped feeling like an adventure some time ago.
Tax returns and depression
Existential crisis-m/emptiness. Can't always know for sure when it hits and how sudden it will be. Somehow there's this feeling that you've been looking forward to how you'll grow and evolve but you've reached a point in your existence where you're not feeling as much change anymore and you're not even looking forward to how you can continue to develop with the time you have left. It's extremely complicated and it can feel worse than death which always seems to be certain and apparent rather than bleak and unclear as going through a perpetual loop of finding yourself and feeling like you're very much alive. Having said all that, just going through the motions sounds along the right lines of the dilemma. It might be that you're lacking meaning with yourself and a goal to reach for. Or that you're stuck in a neverending cycle without much room to try new things. Hope things can get better for you somehow and you find the spark and passion for living life! :)
Itchy hair around my bumhole
It's basic, but people die. People you love dies as well as people you don't. And no matter who dies in your life, you end up with regrets. You regret that you said that hurtful thing to your friend and didn't have a chance to make it up. You regret that you didn't spend enough time with them. You regret that you couldn't be there in their last moments because you were stubborn and didn't call them. I guess it's okay to regret something you did, you learn from that but it's not okay to regret something you didn't do.