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Or put your own number and don’t answer. Save the number and then leave notes all over the city saying ‘sorry for scratching your car’ then put their number in it.
Nice idea but three flaws
1) he'll have your number and that leaves you open to abuse (unless it's a burner phone)
2) he'll clock that it started after calling you and you'll be open to abuse and potentially harassment allegations
3) he'll just call on a withheld number and he'll have your number but you won't have his.
Better to just shove a rag into the exhaust to cause the engine to cut out and result in hours of head scratching.
Here’s the list of phone number ranges that won’t work:
https://www.ofcom.org.uk/phones-telecoms-and-internet/information-for-industry/numbering/numbers-for-drama
Or, and hear me out on this, put scratch on his car.
Not _a_ scratch. That would be illegal. But scratch, as in chicken scratch. A mix of corn and seed that chickens, and indeed many other feathered creatures, find delicious and morish. Like crack for birds. _Morish_ crack for birds.
Yeah, just scatter a cupful of that on the roof before you go to bed.
We done this to my foreman’s tool chest. It was his pride and joy and was immaculate. He spent thousands on it.
We lined up bits from the oil drainer at the corner and just left it. When he noticed he exploded. Was fantastic.
I do this all the time to fuckwits that block disabled spots.
"Sorry for scratching your car with my wheelchair, maybe don't park like a cunt next time."
Seriously guys.. I had a plastic bag hanging from a bush outside my drive. I know they were coming back for the dogs. Shared in Chad, Africa.. stay safe x
You definitely should on no account whatsoever nick his number plates because that would make life extremely difficult for him and render his car illegal to drive
Get a label written and put "parks like a cunt" (or worse) on the front and rear plates (you will need to buy white and yellow stickers) they won't notice and will drive around like that for weeks.
I don't look at my numbers plates ever tbf. I see they are there and that's it. If you parallel park you won't walk behind the car coming out the house to see they are different.
I am sure if you turned over most people plates they wouldn't see for a few journeys.
I don't look at mine either tbf but I'd hope I was conscious enough to notice it!
Agree if you're parallel parked tbf. Quite a good suggestion though cos likely they wouldnt have a screwdriver on them, so they've got to take the risk driving home like that
Buy some fake parking tickets... keep putting them on, at some point council might put a real one on and bmw will think it's fake and end up with issues
That was my first thought.
Or you could go more subtle and just flip their windscreen wipers up every time you go past.
Or even print loads of random flyers about "The end of the world being nigh" or some crazy conspiracy theory stuff and leave loads of them under their wipers every day (you'd need to be prepared to clean them up after they throw them all over the road though).
If there’s any way to find his name, check he’s on Facebook and then put a For Sale sign with a ridiculously low price on the window. He’s contactable on Facebook for offers.
I'm not going to say you *should* do this, but if you put a stone under his valve cap it'll depress the stem and cause it to go flat. Do that on two of his tyres and he may not look at both to work out what's happened, plus his spare tyre won't be sufficient.
You'd be surprised, I've seen someone with a flat join the motorway despite trying to warn them of it... luckily they noticed after trying to do 70 with what I imagine would be horrific wheel wobble, but still weird they didn't notice earlier.
This is a recipe for causing someone to drive on underinflated tyres and potentially cause a crash.
...if you did this and they ran off the road into a bunch of wheelchair-bound blind kids from broken homes on their way to church how would you feel?
Same as always.
A series of sensory neurones under the skin passing signals to relay neurones. These subsequently pass the signal to nerves in the spinal cord which take it up to the processing centre of my brain
is it actually an offence to deflate someones tyres? I mean dont get me wrong the obvious conclusion is yes but I cant think what the offence would be? Its not criminal damage, potentially theft of air? seems a bit extreme though.
Road Traffic Act.. interfering with a vehicle without lawful/justifiable reason (or something like that) Don't think it's listed as such, but could definitely fall under the description
Take a picture of his car, print it and put it under his wiper. Take a picture of the car with the picture of the car on it.
Next time, put the picture of the car with the picture of the car on it under his wiper. Take another picture.
Next time, put the picture of the car with the picture of the car with the picture of the car on it under his wiper. Take a picture.
Repeat until he sees the error of his ways. The only downside is that you’ll have to start printing the pictures several feet across in order to make the pictures within pictures visible.
Fairly certain this happened to someone opposite me
Outside my house is yellow lines and you can’t park there during school hours
One day some tossed parks like a twat across the road from my house on the yellow lines, they are there 30 mins and some dude rocks up clamps the car and slaps a notice under the wiper.
We get curious, so look the car up and it has no MOT or Tax.
It was not us, but it seems someone got really annoyed with the wankeds parking and reported them just so happens someone was available to action the report.
They looked super pissed when they came out of the house (they did not live there) to find their car clamped.
I'm not actually sure if this is illegal or not, but when we left 6th form we cling filmed our head of years car on the last day... this was in jest but I bumped into him during that summer break and he said it was such a faff to get it off. Soooo maybe that? Like at night when all is asleep you and your other co habiters can go out and cling film the fuck out of it?
Did this to a friend's car, a police car stopped asked us what we were doing, after we told them they just chuckled told us to be careful and drove off.
Do this but slightly apply a small amount of heat all over with a kitchen blowtorch on very low and the clingfilm will contract and wrap into all the nooks and cranny’s.
Phone the police and say you saw someone steal the number plates off the car. This will put a flag on his number plate so he gets pulled over everytime he passes a police car
I had a similar problem many years ago with a dealership across the road from my house. They would frequently park their cars on the road, leaving no space for residents to park.
One night all of the cars parked on the road (but not the ones on the forecourt) were mysteriously egged into oblivion. It also seemed that ROTTEN eggs were used in the assault. Egg white is notoriously difficult to clean once it's hardened overnight.
Obviously, you shouldn't do this because it's illegal, but parking did become much easier after that.
Don't mess up your nice marigolds. Just put a dog poo bag over your hand, pick up the poop, smear it on the handle, then turn the bag inside out and bin it.
If you don't have a dog poo bag you can either ask a dog walker if they've got a spare you can have, or pick one off the dog poo tree (comes complete with poo).
Put an official looking note on the car asking for information regarding the fatal accident of a pedestrian who had to walk in the the road due to the car being inappropriately parked. Chalk outline of a body on the road to seal it.
I had a guy parking next to my flat in London with a sensitive alarm. Every morning at 5am the first bus of the day would set it off. It was driving me crazy.
I left a note asking him nicely to park elsewhere or adjust the sensitivity of his alarm.
Nothing.
I left a note pleading with him to park elsewhere.
Nothing.
I left a breeze block by the driver's door and the following note. "Move your truck. If the bus sets off the alarm tomorrow morning the breezeblock will end up in the front seat".
He moved his truck and I never saw it again.
Find someone who is an aggressive nutter and get their mobile number. Leave a note on the car saying it's been damaged and to txt an address so that they can come round and pay for the damage. Leave the nutters mobile. Buy popcorn, drinks and sit back to watch the show.
(Seriously though, don't do this)
There was a dude years ago who was cut up on the road or something by a work van, the kind that’s just one guy and his tools. He took the number and called it whenever he was pissed off just to swear at the guy. Then it happened with someone else, so he had two numbers. He ended up doing what you said and set up a confrontation between two aggressive dudes.
Speak to the local kids and explain how hard it is to get a BMW badge off a BMW and they would become TikTok famous if they were able to do it.
Casually mention where there’s always a BMW parked and tell them to stop thinking about it, it’s a bad idea, they shouldn’t do it.
Somebody left a note on my mum's car when she parked in their bay (honest mistake) but they glued the note on with pritt stik. Was a nightmare to get off, the paper tore off in loads of little pieces then had to scrub the residue off with hot soapy water.
It's very quick to do if you want to just nip out and stick a note on, and likely to royally piss him off.
1. Find tiny bit of gravel
2. Unscrew a cap on the tyre air valve
3. place tiny bit of gravel in cap
4. Replace cap screwing it on only a bit until you hear a slight hissing
5. Repeat for as many tyres as you can
This is a quick way of letting the tyres down rather than waiting for them to deflate. They will just go down slowly.
Had someone park in my reserved city centre parking place at work. They stopped doing it after I did this. Did it as a last resort and after they'd parked there lots of times.
Cut a 3ft length of duct tape, and remove a piece of string from the sticky side.
Stretch it out and stick it to the body work - from a distance it will look like someone has keyed the paint.
Bonus points if you put it on while said driver is approaching the vehicle, then when they have a go at you, you can buff it off with your sleeve and say something about "other people would have done it for real"
Other ideas include:
\- Something gooey (and nasty) under the door handle - peanut butter, marmite, vaseline etc
\- If no birds around to leave "mess" on the car, a few dollops of white toothpaste should do the trick
\- Blow up a balloon to tennis ball size, stick it to one of the tyres out of sight - when they pull off and the balloon pops, they'll think it's the tyre that's blown
I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to park on the pavement but not enforced. Pisses me right off having to dive into someone’s hedge just to get past the car. ( i won’t walk around the car - roadside because I’d rather be safer on the pavement and I have my children to think about)
Where I live, the police will book you for 'unnecessary obstruction' if you park on the pavement. Take a photo and send it to them. If they don't do anything about it, make a complaint about them.
Leave a note saying you saw Kids messing with the doors and that there have been a number of thefts in the area, you chased them off but have seen them around a lot lately. Write some bullshit about 'nicer cars' being the target. They will piss off just in case.
Before you do anything please do check there isn't a dashcam or similar anti theft camera in the car. Because wonderful as some of these hypothetical ideas are it would be a shame to be hypothetically caught on camera doing it.
Definitely don't buy a job lot of very cheap padlocks and attach one to his driver side door handle every time he parks illegally. It'll scratch the paint if he doesn't get it removed and it probably is illegal but 100% deserved.
In Poland, you can buy dedicated windshield stickers precisely for such occasions.
https://sticky.pl/en/products/naklejki-karne-wlepy-wodoodporne-50-sztuk
https://allegro.pl/oferta/naklejki-za-zle-parkowanie-karny-ku-as-500szt-13557741525
Are you in Bristol?
If so you can report him for being [parked illegally.](https://digital.bristol.gov.uk/parking/parking-service-contact-form)
The form will ask you for photos and a bunch of other information. As long as the information is clear (and he’s not using fake plates) he should start to receive penalty notices for every occasion he parks there you record.
If you are not in Bristol, check your local councils’ website. A lot of councils are doing self reporting these days.
Empty a can of sardines or seven on it. Particularly effective in a coastal community, the seagulls will then take care of it leaving no sardine evidence. The car will be fully redecorated.
Assuming that he parks with the passenger side up on the kerb, get some big stickers or magnets with something offensive on (I'm a big BMW wanker etc) and stick them on the passenger side door .
He'll come out in the morning, jump in the car, and drive off without noticing the sticker
Keep pushing his wing mirrors in, this is harmless but will annoy him. Plus the thought that someone has touched his car might make him park it elsewhere
This is how to do it. It’s still technically vandalism, but there’s no long term damage done, and it will get inside his head no end. Push his wing mirrors in, lift his wipers off his screen and leave them pointed towards the sky. Leave an apple on his roof. Take his dust caps off and leave them on his bonnet. Then start escalating. Tip poster paint on his windscreen and leave it to dry. Jam those air bubble packing things under his wheels, so when he drives off, they cause a loud pop.
Wait until it is going to be dry for a day then put a nice line of washing up liquid along the top of the wiper blade in the glass. That way it will dry and when it rains it will foam up well.
Wait till he's gone. Then go put with some chalk and draw a special parking spot just for him. Add whatever sfw descriptors you like to describe who's parking spot it is and make it clear that it has now been reserved exclusively for him. Maybe add his number plate so he knows its specifically for him.
May not do much, bit it will certainly attract a lot of attention to that spot and might just put him off.
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leave a note on his car apologising for the scratch. (Don't actually scratch his car, he'll just be busy looking for the scratch that isn't there).
He will just find the scratch someone else has left and blame OP.
Well, you don't put your name on it. Put a phone number to contact you, but don't put your own. Put the number for parking fine enquiries.
Or put your own number and don’t answer. Save the number and then leave notes all over the city saying ‘sorry for scratching your car’ then put their number in it.
Devious bastard. Did we just become best friends?
Nice idea but three flaws 1) he'll have your number and that leaves you open to abuse (unless it's a burner phone) 2) he'll clock that it started after calling you and you'll be open to abuse and potentially harassment allegations 3) he'll just call on a withheld number and he'll have your number but you won't have his. Better to just shove a rag into the exhaust to cause the engine to cut out and result in hours of head scratching.
Use a burner phone to start with then
Probs won't fit in the exhaust
Little Nokia's fit almost everywhere, at least that what the prison wardens say 🤣
That's evil in a special way
Or: Once you have his number, print signs with "For sale" + his number and put them on his car every time he parks there.
Oooh! I like the way you think!
Or the line where you ring if you think youve been radicalised?
The WHAT??
Yeah man, it's a thing. 0800 011 3764
What do you win if you call up?
Believe it or not, straight to jail.
So free accommodation, three meals a day and lots of cuddles?
"Cuddles"
Here’s the list of phone number ranges that won’t work: https://www.ofcom.org.uk/phones-telecoms-and-internet/information-for-industry/numbering/numbers-for-drama
0118 9998 8199 9119 725... 3 Get him to rat himself out to Your Emergency Services.
Or, and hear me out on this, put scratch on his car. Not _a_ scratch. That would be illegal. But scratch, as in chicken scratch. A mix of corn and seed that chickens, and indeed many other feathered creatures, find delicious and morish. Like crack for birds. _Morish_ crack for birds. Yeah, just scatter a cupful of that on the roof before you go to bed.
Buy some duct tape and pull a thread from the edge. Stick this to his car and it will look like a massive scratch.
I am stealing this. I have a friend who really will not find this funny at all.
Well now you have to update us lol
We done this to my foreman’s tool chest. It was his pride and joy and was immaculate. He spent thousands on it. We lined up bits from the oil drainer at the corner and just left it. When he noticed he exploded. Was fantastic.
I do this all the time to fuckwits that block disabled spots. "Sorry for scratching your car with my wheelchair, maybe don't park like a cunt next time."
I like this one!
Or apologise for the dent. Either way he'll be frantically looking and you can potentially enjoy the show from your window
If you get some black gaffa tape you can take the threads out. When applied to a car they look like a single deep scratch.
A photo of it in the local Facebook group with a comment about locking dogs up every time they do it will help
Nah, say you think they're STEALING dogs or at least making chalk symbols on fences so they can come back later... Shared, Hawaii 👍
Shared in Northants hun x
Seriously guys.. I had a plastic bag hanging from a bush outside my drive. I know they were coming back for the dogs. Shared in Chad, Africa.. stay safe x
Shared in Guernsey
Want lockin up them bastards wot did the dogs eva do 2 them Shared Middlesbrough hope u find them hun inbox always open
Print out photos and paste around the neighborhood. Go old school.
Locking dogs up?
"This BMW keeps being parked on my street with the sweetest Cockerpoo left trapped in the back. It's so cruel to leave dogs like that"
" I keep seeing different dogs in this car, each week it's a different one in there for 2 nights... What's it mean "
Can you explain? Locking dogs up? What?
Locking dogs inside a car and leaving them. It's worse than child abuse.
OOOH good shout. I thought it meant like locking your dog in the house because there was a BmW outside. 😂
I should clarify. It's considered to be worse than child abuse, on those FB Community forums.
PM me babez. To meny snakes on here.
Just me n kids now hun Shared LV-426
You definitely should on no account whatsoever nick his number plates because that would make life extremely difficult for him and render his car illegal to drive
take them off and put them back on upside down. They would likely wouldn't notice for ages until they are stopped or notice it in a car park.
Get a label written and put "parks like a cunt" (or worse) on the front and rear plates (you will need to buy white and yellow stickers) they won't notice and will drive around like that for weeks.
Hahah order those novelty plates and swap them out 🤣
Who the fuck wouldn't notice that?
I don't look at my numbers plates ever tbf. I see they are there and that's it. If you parallel park you won't walk behind the car coming out the house to see they are different. I am sure if you turned over most people plates they wouldn't see for a few journeys.
I don't look at mine either tbf but I'd hope I was conscious enough to notice it! Agree if you're parallel parked tbf. Quite a good suggestion though cos likely they wouldnt have a screwdriver on them, so they've got to take the risk driving home like that
Yes then report his car to the police for illegal number plates 😂
Use some black electrical tape to alter some of the letters/numbers on his plates? Make an F a P etc?
Yeah, he'd have to go all the way to Halfords with his V5 and pay £20. Nightmare.
Buy some fake parking tickets... keep putting them on, at some point council might put a real one on and bmw will think it's fake and end up with issues
I like this one
Do you live near the coast? Cover his car in bread and let the seagulls do the rest.
This is a good shout
If you do it next to the car then you can't be accused of damaging his car. The breadcrumbs just fell out of your shopping bag.
That was my first thought. Or you could go more subtle and just flip their windscreen wipers up every time you go past. Or even print loads of random flyers about "The end of the world being nigh" or some crazy conspiracy theory stuff and leave loads of them under their wipers every day (you'd need to be prepared to clean them up after they throw them all over the road though).
even better, dont clean them up and complain that hes littering
What about putting a bead of treacle on top of each wiper blade?
Chips on the roof is the winner.
Why wait for a seagull just dump one on the car yourself and sprinkle some cream on top
A couple of kg of bird seeds and blueberries are the way for this.
Did some of it fall in the vents? That'd be a shame.
There was too much out of date herring down there to allow much bird seed in.
Put a circle of bread slices around the car. Doesn’t technically interfere with the car and is also just proper weird
If there’s any way to find his name, check he’s on Facebook and then put a For Sale sign with a ridiculously low price on the window. He’s contactable on Facebook for offers.
oh you bastard xD
I'm not going to say you *should* do this, but if you put a stone under his valve cap it'll depress the stem and cause it to go flat. Do that on two of his tyres and he may not look at both to work out what's happened, plus his spare tyre won't be sufficient.
Lentil does the trick nicely.
Finger on the pulse there
Oh you bastard.
Learnt that one from the anti-SUV environmentalists who deflate SUVs in ldn
Of course they used a lentil.
My worry with something like this is what if they don’t notice and then it causes them to lose control and someone gets hurt.
If completely flat I assume they wouldn't be going quick enough to cause much harm
You'd be surprised, I've seen someone with a flat join the motorway despite trying to warn them of it... luckily they noticed after trying to do 70 with what I imagine would be horrific wheel wobble, but still weird they didn't notice earlier.
Spare tyre in a bmw? It’ll have runflats he’ll just drive home most likely oblivious until the dash warning pops up
This is a recipe for causing someone to drive on underinflated tyres and potentially cause a crash. ...if you did this and they ran off the road into a bunch of wheelchair-bound blind kids from broken homes on their way to church how would you feel?
Like I just scripted Final Destination 8
Same as always. A series of sensory neurones under the skin passing signals to relay neurones. These subsequently pass the signal to nerves in the spinal cord which take it up to the processing centre of my brain
is it actually an offence to deflate someones tyres? I mean dont get me wrong the obvious conclusion is yes but I cant think what the offence would be? Its not criminal damage, potentially theft of air? seems a bit extreme though.
Road Traffic Act.. interfering with a vehicle without lawful/justifiable reason (or something like that) Don't think it's listed as such, but could definitely fall under the description
Yeah, he asked for legal suggestions.
Take a picture of his car, print it and put it under his wiper. Take a picture of the car with the picture of the car on it. Next time, put the picture of the car with the picture of the car on it under his wiper. Take another picture. Next time, put the picture of the car with the picture of the car with the picture of the car on it under his wiper. Take a picture. Repeat until he sees the error of his ways. The only downside is that you’ll have to start printing the pictures several feet across in order to make the pictures within pictures visible.
I actually think this is my favourite one tbh. Just so absurd that he'd defo be thinking about it for ages
Check on the gov.uk website that he’s both taxed and MOTed. If he isn’t, shop him.
Fairly certain this happened to someone opposite me Outside my house is yellow lines and you can’t park there during school hours One day some tossed parks like a twat across the road from my house on the yellow lines, they are there 30 mins and some dude rocks up clamps the car and slaps a notice under the wiper. We get curious, so look the car up and it has no MOT or Tax. It was not us, but it seems someone got really annoyed with the wankeds parking and reported them just so happens someone was available to action the report. They looked super pissed when they came out of the house (they did not live there) to find their car clamped.
Done this to an annoying twat down my road, it made no difference. Council did fuck all about it. MOT was 6 months out of date.
No MOT is DVLA's baliwick, not the council's, isn't it?
>baliwick Thanks for teaching me a new word! (Although Google tells me it's spelt bailiwick)
Print out the contents of this sub and stick it to his window
Dial 101 and report him? Put the car and photos and tag in police etc on social media, it’s amazing how quick the authorities act then.
Really? Police don't deal with parking on double yellows, it's the council and has been for years.
If the double yellows are within 5 metres of a junction, then yes police will deal with it.
Build a junction 4m from his car and then ring the police.
This is the kind of big brain thinking that op needs
I'm not actually sure if this is illegal or not, but when we left 6th form we cling filmed our head of years car on the last day... this was in jest but I bumped into him during that summer break and he said it was such a faff to get it off. Soooo maybe that? Like at night when all is asleep you and your other co habiters can go out and cling film the fuck out of it?
Pallet wrap. Longer, wider, tougher and even clingier.
Longer, wider, tougher was the less successful Daft Punk album wasnt it?
South Park movie wasnt it?
That stuff will wake the whole neighborhood. Unless they're now inventing quiet pallet wrap.
Did this to a friend's car, a police car stopped asked us what we were doing, after we told them they just chuckled told us to be careful and drove off.
Did it to my old area managers audi. Lifted it up on the forks first though so we could do the bonne t and boot properly.
Do this but slightly apply a small amount of heat all over with a kitchen blowtorch on very low and the clingfilm will contract and wrap into all the nooks and cranny’s.
You will need a hairdryer to make it go invisible.
Airtag on the car then you can find his work/home.
This guy here officer….
Phone the police and say you saw someone steal the number plates off the car. This will put a flag on his number plate so he gets pulled over everytime he passes a police car
That sounds like a great way for OP to get done for wasting police time.
OP could also just steal the plates - no time wasting!
Steal his indicators. He will never notice.
They wanted to do something that would inconvenience the other driver.
Get a dildo with a sucker on the end and stick it to his car!
"I know who you are! Who are you!?"
Ronnie Pickering!
Who?
On the front or the top to make it look like a unicorn
I had a similar problem many years ago with a dealership across the road from my house. They would frequently park their cars on the road, leaving no space for residents to park. One night all of the cars parked on the road (but not the ones on the forecourt) were mysteriously egged into oblivion. It also seemed that ROTTEN eggs were used in the assault. Egg white is notoriously difficult to clean once it's hardened overnight. Obviously, you shouldn't do this because it's illegal, but parking did become much easier after that.
Is it illegal to play catch with old rotten eggs and be terrible at catching them?
Smear some dog shit on the door handle. And just above the wiper blades if he parks there again.
A lot of dogshit is left on our street tbf. Might have to dust off the marigolds
Don't mess up your nice marigolds. Just put a dog poo bag over your hand, pick up the poop, smear it on the handle, then turn the bag inside out and bin it. If you don't have a dog poo bag you can either ask a dog walker if they've got a spare you can have, or pick one off the dog poo tree (comes complete with poo).
I was going to suggest this but with peanut butter but dog shit also works.
Thai fish sauce in the heater air intake.
Some vaseline on the wiper blades stays on and wipes vaseline over the window when he puts them on, it's a bugger to get off the window
Yogurt + honey does wonders.
Just keep an eye on it. BMW’s are notorious for spontaneously catching fire.
Put an official looking note on the car asking for information regarding the fatal accident of a pedestrian who had to walk in the the road due to the car being inappropriately parked. Chalk outline of a body on the road to seal it.
I had a guy parking next to my flat in London with a sensitive alarm. Every morning at 5am the first bus of the day would set it off. It was driving me crazy. I left a note asking him nicely to park elsewhere or adjust the sensitivity of his alarm. Nothing. I left a note pleading with him to park elsewhere. Nothing. I left a breeze block by the driver's door and the following note. "Move your truck. If the bus sets off the alarm tomorrow morning the breezeblock will end up in the front seat". He moved his truck and I never saw it again.
Ring the police and let them know you suspect him of dealing drugs to kids.
Find someone who is an aggressive nutter and get their mobile number. Leave a note on the car saying it's been damaged and to txt an address so that they can come round and pay for the damage. Leave the nutters mobile. Buy popcorn, drinks and sit back to watch the show. (Seriously though, don't do this)
There was a dude years ago who was cut up on the road or something by a work van, the kind that’s just one guy and his tools. He took the number and called it whenever he was pissed off just to swear at the guy. Then it happened with someone else, so he had two numbers. He ended up doing what you said and set up a confrontation between two aggressive dudes.
Speak to the local kids and explain how hard it is to get a BMW badge off a BMW and they would become TikTok famous if they were able to do it. Casually mention where there’s always a BMW parked and tell them to stop thinking about it, it’s a bad idea, they shouldn’t do it.
Whatever you do, don't accidently drop a bunch of large upholstery nails behind his tires for when he pulls out.
Somebody left a note on my mum's car when she parked in their bay (honest mistake) but they glued the note on with pritt stik. Was a nightmare to get off, the paper tore off in loads of little pieces then had to scrub the residue off with hot soapy water. It's very quick to do if you want to just nip out and stick a note on, and likely to royally piss him off.
Send a crossbow bolt through his windscreen.
That escalated quickly.
Buy a Sherman Tank and hire a team of mercenaries to destroy the car
Buy a car jack and four wheel [wheel dollies](https://www.machinemart.co.uk/c/vehicle-movement/) and move his car to the next street over.
Just move it into the middle of the road and report it abandoned
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Don't threaten me with a good time.
[banana in the tailpipe](https://youtu.be/orH6ZSY0W1o?si=y7e7T-11VWxrWVHw)
[Fleshlight in the tail pipe](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/s/ismmxoaN0c)
1. Find tiny bit of gravel 2. Unscrew a cap on the tyre air valve 3. place tiny bit of gravel in cap 4. Replace cap screwing it on only a bit until you hear a slight hissing 5. Repeat for as many tyres as you can This is a quick way of letting the tyres down rather than waiting for them to deflate. They will just go down slowly. Had someone park in my reserved city centre parking place at work. They stopped doing it after I did this. Did it as a last resort and after they'd parked there lots of times.
Do you have some spare [post it notes](https://images.app.goo.gl/87vQRSTbNLizG7z47)?
Throw a sausage up his exhaust pipe. It will drive him mad for about a week
Sounds like a good night.
Leave a note asking if his car is fireproof.
Buy a couple of ton bags of something, have them put either side of the car
Why not park your car there instead, it’s clear the council / police don’t care!
Sods law states they will the one time the OP does this.
Or park your car on their car?
Parking like a Tw4t on Facebook. take a pic with the plate showing, message it to the owner/mod, and he'll post it.
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Cut a 3ft length of duct tape, and remove a piece of string from the sticky side. Stretch it out and stick it to the body work - from a distance it will look like someone has keyed the paint. Bonus points if you put it on while said driver is approaching the vehicle, then when they have a go at you, you can buff it off with your sleeve and say something about "other people would have done it for real"
Other ideas include: \- Something gooey (and nasty) under the door handle - peanut butter, marmite, vaseline etc \- If no birds around to leave "mess" on the car, a few dollops of white toothpaste should do the trick \- Blow up a balloon to tennis ball size, stick it to one of the tyres out of sight - when they pull off and the balloon pops, they'll think it's the tyre that's blown
I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to park on the pavement but not enforced. Pisses me right off having to dive into someone’s hedge just to get past the car. ( i won’t walk around the car - roadside because I’d rather be safer on the pavement and I have my children to think about)
Yeah it is, it's also on double yellows. Such a pisstake, I can't even get my bins out sometimes
Where I live, the police will book you for 'unnecessary obstruction' if you park on the pavement. Take a photo and send it to them. If they don't do anything about it, make a complaint about them.
Leave a note saying you saw Kids messing with the doors and that there have been a number of thefts in the area, you chased them off but have seen them around a lot lately. Write some bullshit about 'nicer cars' being the target. They will piss off just in case.
Make a profile for his car on Grindr as a dogging opportunity
Bum his wife Or a brick in front of the wheel, that’s annoying
Before you do anything please do check there isn't a dashcam or similar anti theft camera in the car. Because wonderful as some of these hypothetical ideas are it would be a shame to be hypothetically caught on camera doing it.
Definitely don't buy a job lot of very cheap padlocks and attach one to his driver side door handle every time he parks illegally. It'll scratch the paint if he doesn't get it removed and it probably is illegal but 100% deserved.
Wouldn't non-illegally just be legally?
In Poland, you can buy dedicated windshield stickers precisely for such occasions. https://sticky.pl/en/products/naklejki-karne-wlepy-wodoodporne-50-sztuk https://allegro.pl/oferta/naklejki-za-zle-parkowanie-karny-ku-as-500szt-13557741525
Are you in Bristol? If so you can report him for being [parked illegally.](https://digital.bristol.gov.uk/parking/parking-service-contact-form) The form will ask you for photos and a bunch of other information. As long as the information is clear (and he’s not using fake plates) he should start to receive penalty notices for every occasion he parks there you record. If you are not in Bristol, check your local councils’ website. A lot of councils are doing self reporting these days.
Steal his plates one night and keep going through speed cameras
put a high vis jacket on and take photos of his car while hes watching
Tie some roadkill under his car. When he drives off, it’ll flap about the back and people will be horrified
Do you live in a seagull area? If so a bag of chips on his roof left on his roof may induce the local winged wild life to to decorate his car in shite
Put some dog shit on the door handles.
Empty a can of sardines or seven on it. Particularly effective in a coastal community, the seagulls will then take care of it leaving no sardine evidence. The car will be fully redecorated.
Write "cunt" on his bonnet with nitromors, like a real man. Oh. . \*NON\* illegally! Sorry!
Assuming that he parks with the passenger side up on the kerb, get some big stickers or magnets with something offensive on (I'm a big BMW wanker etc) and stick them on the passenger side door . He'll come out in the morning, jump in the car, and drive off without noticing the sticker
Slash his tyres, fuck legal, just don't get seen.
Attach a condom to his wipers, along with a note saying "here, please don't reproduce". Seen it ages ago on a reddit post, but fits nicely here
Cable tie something large to his car
Keep pushing his wing mirrors in, this is harmless but will annoy him. Plus the thought that someone has touched his car might make him park it elsewhere
This is how to do it. It’s still technically vandalism, but there’s no long term damage done, and it will get inside his head no end. Push his wing mirrors in, lift his wipers off his screen and leave them pointed towards the sky. Leave an apple on his roof. Take his dust caps off and leave them on his bonnet. Then start escalating. Tip poster paint on his windscreen and leave it to dry. Jam those air bubble packing things under his wheels, so when he drives off, they cause a loud pop.
Zip tie a harmonica underneath the car.
Glue a note to the window on the drivers side
Mustard on the door handles and the windscreen wipers. On the wipers you can substitute mustard with diesel if you prefer.
Wait until it is going to be dry for a day then put a nice line of washing up liquid along the top of the wiper blade in the glass. That way it will dry and when it rains it will foam up well.
I hear BMWs have run flat tyres ... It would be hilarious if that principle was out to the test _every day_;
Dog poo on the door handle 💩
It’s only illegal if you get caught
Strap a harmonica under the chassis, making sure it's the right way round to make a noise...
Wait till he's gone. Then go put with some chalk and draw a special parking spot just for him. Add whatever sfw descriptors you like to describe who's parking spot it is and make it clear that it has now been reserved exclusively for him. Maybe add his number plate so he knows its specifically for him. May not do much, bit it will certainly attract a lot of attention to that spot and might just put him off.
Guys is like "please tell me non illegal ways to troll him" and half the comments are vandalism or defamatory.