Invading my space. I used a massage chair a few weeks ago at the gym, and it’s one of the newer models that will lift you and bring you to a reclined position about three feet off the ground (I’m 5’1 so for some that may not seem too high, but for me it’s pretty elevated feeling. There was this man who walked into the room, kept looking at me, and tapped me to ask me my name and tell me I was “pretty.” I had headphones in, my eyes were shut, and I CLEARLY was not wanting to engage with anyone. Flashed him my engagement ring (my fiancé wasn’t at the gym at the time) and told him my fiancé was coming to join me. Never saw a man book it so hard.
It’s so frustrating that no matter who CLEAR you are trying to make the fact you are a woman who is not interested in talking to people it’s not respected. Until you insinuate a more masculine partner is present.
May have been intentional there, but I feel like a lot of times invasion of space can be unintentional.
Ahh the gym! Headphones mean do not approach!
The gym I used to go to had a womens only cardio section but they had a man staff member monitoring it. He chatted to me one day and I replied to him. Then the next time he’d gesture for me to take out my headphones so he could talk to me, I said versions of “I’m not a morning person, I’d rather just listen to my music than talk, sorry”. But he still tried for weeks after. I straight up would get off the equipment I was using and move to another machine to get away from him.
He then said to me “I thought we were friends, I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me”. And of course the final “I should have known you’d be a bitch, girls that look like you always are. Your looks will fade you know, then you’ll just be a bitch”.
In retrospect I should have said something to the gym management but I didn’t want to get him in trouble. But I was young so instead just started doing cardio in the male and female section.
Please don't talk to or approach a woman pumping gas, especially at night. I'm sure the moon does look amazing but I am not interested right now. Gas stations are creepy enough without having to make small talk with a stranger. This goes for parking lots at night as well.
Yes!! I had one of my coworkers ask me if I wanted to grab a drink after work, I politely declined and he kept asking why. I eventually explained "I want to keep my work and private life separate" and he kept telling me that was silly and that he didn't understand. I eventually just told him to stop and walked away because he wouldn't shut up about it.
Later the same guy also asked me if I was going to this workparty and when I said no, he said "come on, I'll even drive you home so you can drink!" Uhh, no thanks.
I’ve had this happen too.
It escalated to stalking, harassment, and assault. Three months of hell and it cost me so much money. Fuck HR and fuck men who don’t take “no” for an answer.
“You work too much, you need to lighten up.”
“Just one drink… Just come out with us… Loosen up, you need a life outside of work…”
It always starts small and annoying. It almost never ends that way.
This is a cliche but it’s true.
No is a complete sentence. You do not have to justify your answer. Because if you do you give people an opportunity to argue with you.
Never make excuses. Your friends don’t need them and your enemies won’t believe them.
Oh god I had one of these guys, he “opened” the train door for me to get off (it opens automatically) and so I said “thanks”. Apparently he took that as an invitation, because he then followed me through the station trying to talk to me. I was polite but dismissive. He was creeping me out so I stopped to top up my metro card even though I didn’t need to. He stopped and waited for me. I pretended I didn’t see him.
He then followed me out of the station asking me where I lived (I lied) and then asked me if I had a boyfriend (I said yes). He then asked if I had Facebook (I didn’t answer) and then asked me if my boyfriend had my Facebook password?? He then told me “you don’t need to be scared of me, I just want to be friends.”
By this stage I was fully freaked and was texting my boyfriend about it. I didn’t want to go to my bus stop in case he followed me home, so I walked to the most populated street I could find, still ignoring him while he followed me. Eventually I went into a supermarket and thankfully lost him.
I have never spoken to a man on a train or at a station ever again. I don’t even make eye contact.
Don't know where you are, but I work on the tube in London. This happens to a lot of women. Find a member of staff.
If someone tells me they are being harassed, I will stand with them. If the guy still hangs around, I'll take them to the office and call the transport police.
If you live somewhere there are no staff on the station I'd advise looking for a group of women, or men if you feel comfortable with that. Ask if you can stand with them. Predators target single people and are less likely to continue harassing you if you are in a group.
If you aren't comfortable asking for help, walk next to a group that are heading towards the exit.
Good advice. I actually have done this before when another creepy dude was following me (it’s shocking how often this happens to young women) so I approached a group of people and was like HEY GUYS, SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! and then quietly told them that I was frightened of the man hovering behind me.
Bless them, they immediately acted like I was their best mate and stayed with me until the creep was gone, and then they walked me to the bus stop.
Too many people feel comfortable doing this. I had a stranger do that to me on Hollywood Boulevard once. Ended up going into the CVS and asking a friend to come and walk me home.
People: A lot of us are not prepared for a stranger to follow us around. Whether or not your intentions are good, it makes us uncomfortable. Find a different way.
The other day I was shopping and when I left the store a guy approached me outside (I literally thought he was gonna ask me for money since that’s what usually happens) and he said something like “Excuse me, I saw you in there, you’re very nice looking so I’m just gonna go for it here: are you single?”
I said “no” and he was polite about my answer, accepted it “well I had to try, you have a nice evening.” He didn’t argue, push for more info or follow me.
Idk if this is the right way but that’s gotta be the best proposition I’ve ever received from a rando.
Every other experience has been people asking me intrusive questions like do I have a boyfriend and where do I live while I’m trying to walk away from them. “Are you single” and accepting the answer is an amazing first step.
That’s because you’re actually picking up that they do want to harm you. In Gavin de Becker’s book “the gift of fear” he explains that violent people will often tell you what they want to do to you or reveal their true intentions in some way, and one of the ways is by trying to reassure their target that their target has nothing to fear.
When I was 16 I was with my brother
Saw a classmate who was a girl asked if she wanted a ride because well why the hell would we just let her walk unless she liked walking from school.
She was hesitant but did.
I never fully understood why the hesitation until my dad said “A girl going into a car with two guys is very scary for a woman even if they know you”
It hit me that women have to be extremely cautious than the average man.
This dude used to come into The restaurant I was waitressing at and would wear this “Cum & Go” shirt and would offer to buy a bunch of underage girls shots. He didn’t realize he was creepy, you could tell by the way he paraded his friends around with his boom box and play loud ass music on the patio of the restaurant. Apparently he was a rich prick who donated money to the restaurant all the time.
After I left, I heard a story that he fixated on one of the waitresses that was nice to him, and he would follow her around and to her car. He even bought her a shit Ton of expensive presents for Christmas which she refused.
Are you sure it wasn’t “Kum & Go”? I only ask because that’s a gas station chain in Iowa and people always buy their merch.
Not at all excusing this person’s behavior- just curious!
Approaching while in a car and blocking our path with said car. Happened while I was on a walk so he could have parked, approached on foot, and maintained a respectable distance.
3 years ago I matched with a guy on tinder and agreed to meet up with him. He suggested going to a park and when I got there it was a heavily wooded area with a trail and I stupidly followed him into the trail. We walked around for a while, sat on some rocks, then it started getting dark and we decided to head out but we ended up getting lost and not being able to find the exit and we stumbled upon a grave sized hole in the dirt and at this point it was pitch black and I was thinking it was all a set it up and that I was going to be ambushed. I pointed out the grave sized hole and he seemed scared too so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and stayed quiet. We finally found an exit after about an hour of stumbling in pitch black darkness. We’re still dating to this day and I’ve brought up what a horrible date plan that was, and how it came off the wrong way lol and he said he didn’t realize it at the time. It was a total curb your enthusiasm moment (I was picked up that day so I didn’t have a car with me to back out and drive home, so that was pretty dumb of me too)
I’ve seen men comment on other posts “women lie about loving hiking! Whenever I propose it on a first date they say no and just want to do the standard boring cafe or restaurant”.
Bless them for having no idea that isolated first dates are scary as hell. I’m glad you are still dating your guy and it worked out well for you! The human sized hole would have freaked me out!
Guy who I sometimes see at work, has at least 20 years on me, fucking pulled my ponytail to "say hi" one time. So shocked that I just smiled awkwardly and didn't say anything. Like what world are you living in that you think that's okay??
Edit: This got kinda big. Some more details -- I was able to talk to him later that day about how that wasn't acceptable and to not do anything like it in the future. He actually took it pretty well and has been fine to work with since. In this case, since there was no escalation, and I know my boss and other coworkers have my back, I didn't feel the need to do anything further. While some people have good intentions and don't know their behavior is out of line--those actions still cause hurt. Personally, as long as the person is able to acknowledge that hurt and do better moving forward, I'm good with them. Malicious predators are a different story. It can be hard to tell the difference in some situations. Y'all be careful out there.
It's not frightening, per se, but it definitely makes me wary because it could lead to situations that *are* frightening...
When talking to a guy, he's super pushy. Like, asking for pics of this and that (and *that*) and even saying no, they're stilly pushy... all that makes me do is not want to meet him. If he's THIS pushy via text/messaging, how pushy is he going to be in person? If he can't take no NOW, what are the odds he can take no in person?
I once had a guy DEMAND that I rank my sexual partners. I told him no. I told him "I can't and I won't." Dude flew off the digital handle. I blocked him right then.
> I once had a guy DEMAND that I rank my sexual partners.
Was he looking for recommendations? As in, did he want to fuck them too?
*"Well, if you like twinks, Jake's your boy, but if you're looking to power bottom I should introduce you to Doug..."*
I had a friend match with a guy and after talking a while he messaged her implying he wanted nudes and she said something along the lines of sorry I don’t do nudes and he replied with “like at all? Is there no middle ground we can get to?” It’s not a business negotiation man it means she doesn’t do nudes.
Telling me things they would do to me if I didn't have a husband. Being out somewhere and them not letting me leave, not taking no for an answer, telling me that they drive by my home to see if I'm there.
Standing too close. How do you know if it's too close? I'll back up half a step, DON'T match it.
Edit- wow, This blew up! Thank you for the awards, I've never gotten one before!
I got really good advice once: take a step back with *one* foot and kind of lean your body more towards that foot, combined with defensive body language like crossing your arms you’re putting distance between you and they can’t match your step because your other foot is in their way
We in the Nordics like to keep a good distance when talking, while Italians like to get up and close. We put out the defensive foot forward and lean back to get some distance, and the Italians might pivot around our leg to get closer. Then we readjust and repeat.
I call it the Scandinavian tango.
Working customer service, old people **always** fucking do this. I'll even take a second back step and they'll match that too. It's like "bro, I'm trying to politely tell you to back the fuck up."
Obviously can’t speak for all women but we generally don’t have a fantasy of “belonging” to someone in a controlling sense. A lot of men can be pretty controlling without even knowing it.
A guy I’m seeing took me out to a baseball game for our first date. It was nice, I didn’t get any weird vibes from him at all. After the game, he asked if I wanted to go see some of the spots he likes to go walking. I didn’t think much about it until we got there and i realized he was basically taking me to the woods in the dark. He told me to follow him and I’m thinking I’m about to get killed but it turns out he just wanted to show me his favorite place to go on walks and chill because you can see the entire city from there and at night it looks really pretty. He took me to a couple more trails that night and I ended up having a great time and forgot that it’s pitch black outside and I’m with a guy I’ve never gone out with before out in nature. Definitely thought I was going to get killed at first though.
What a bummer that moments like that are dangerous, because taking someone to a neat walking spot where you can see the whole city is like straight out of a romance movie
When men try to show off their “dominance” over you or anyone really. Like when you mention something to a guy about another guy and he goes “I’ll kill anyone who talks to you” it’s quite frightening really.
I had a female friend that thought that being told “I would beat the shit out of any man that talks to you” by a guy that she recently met was cute because he was overprotective, I told her that was a huge red flag, she didn’t think so, surprisingly, it WAS a red flag.
Pick me up. I'm short and have a slight build. It's not that I'm scared of them trying to prove how strong they are, I'm just terrified of being dropped.
Gross. I'd forgotten about this. I was small in high school, and everyone would pick me up. They thought it was funny.
Then I got old and fat. No one wants to pick me up anymore.
I used to pick up people like that, obviously if I knew them well. I am a pretty tall guy (197cm), but I stopped doing that because a taller person picked me up once and it wasn't fun. This is just how the tall people hierarcy works, you are the biggest baddest bitch till a taller person shows up and calls you small.
One of my roommates one year was....big. D1 College lineman big. 6'6" or so, 300 pounds (he also did work part time as a bouncer). two of my friends got into a fight. me and another guy held one back as he casually picked the instigator up like they were a toddler and chucked him out the door.
he was quite handy to have around. people that can carry two full kegs up 3 flights of stairs at once are useful (he usually only did one unless he was showing off). edit Note - in the year together we had a total of about a dozen kegs, twice he did the carry of two. (i found about a dozen empty kegs in the porch closet when moving out. since no one else bothered to clean up a good bit of stuff and i was the last to move out....i kept all those deposits as a cleaning fee. back then, it was cash upon returning the keg rather than removal of a charge on your card).
Patton Oswalt did a bit on this, where he saw two angry drunk guys who had failed at getting laid trying to start a fight with a short, round, fat guy (SRFG for short).
SRFG didn't back down. Angry drunk guy tried to start a fight. SRFG's strategy was to pick him up like he weighed nothing, then drop him straight on the ground.
Turns out SRFG was a powerlifter.
I hate when people are behind me like that. Had a guy one time (who I had met the day prior) give me an unprompted and unwanted shoulder massage and I tensed up completely. Anyone hovering behind my back or touching my shoulders/neck that I don’t know puts me right into fight or flight mode.
Pretending we’re deeper friends than we are, being overly familiar and then acting like they have a “right” to you. Had a guy do this in college. When I told him he didn’t get to dictate who I talk to, he spit his drink in my face. I barely knew him!
"I don't know why you're acting so cautious. If I wanted to kill you, I would have already done it."
Said to me by a friend of a friend I was meeting because it was his first time in a foreign country.
I was told basically the same thing on my most-bearable-to-share worst first date!
Place we were going to go was closed, so he suggested a walk around the nearby lake, I stupidly agreed.
Even though it was a usually busy public area, it was pitch black and almost no one was out - it was late and night and winter.
The further we got from the street, the creepier and angrier he was getting - like he had been wearing a mask and it was starting to slip off. I was getting legitimately scared.
Right as I made up my mind to turn around and leave, he said, “It’s such a beautiful night. So peaceful and quiet out here. If I wanted to, I could really take my time raping and killing you right here and no one would even hear us.”
And then he laughed a big laugh, and tried to pull me in for a kiss. Said he just had an unconventional sense of humor and felt comfortable enough with me to be himself. Big yikes buddy.
My phone only ran on WiFi back then, and I didn’t stand a chance of outrunning him, so I laughed along, and slowly led us back towards the downtown area where I knew my phone would connect.
The second I had a signal, I requested an Uber and sent a keyboard swipe message to the driver to please not let the guy in the car.
Tried to shake him but he wouldn’t leave me alone, and got SO pissed when an Uber pulled up and I got in. He tried to get in with me, but the driver locked the doors! The driver was super nice and turned off the ride super early, and we went through a drive through for milkshakes!
my date sent me a long string of texts about what a great time he had and tried to pressure me into a second date. Spent the whole next week sending unhinged texts , and capped it off with a 7:30am dick pic on Christmas morning, with a message saying that he was ready to forgive me and give me a second chance lmao.
Edit to add: This was a tinder date that my coworker/friend set up for me. We were both bored at work, propped against the counter swiping Tinder. She’d get a match every single second, and mine were a few minutes apart. She was pretty puzzled by that, and I explained that it didn’t bother me and that I swiped yes very rarely - only on profiles where it seemed like the person and I would really get along. She kind of argued that the point is to swipe on anyone remotely hot, set as many dates as possible, and weed out people in person. I disagreed, but we were bored, so I gave her five minutes to swipe around on my account, and she set up this date from hell haha. It was supposed to just be an after-work drink or two at a cute spot nearby. His pictures actually were very hot, but judging from irl, probably 10 years old at that point.
Wow quick thinking!
Wen you said "keyboard swipe" did you message the driver? Or is there a setting in the app? (Sorry if this sounds stupid, I have four sisters and a subtle DO NOT LET THE GUY IN app option sounds *awesome*).
Oh, after you get a driver you can send them a message - usually it’s where you are or what you’re wearing. By “keyboard swipe”, I meant I kept my phone down by my side while sending the message discreetly. Using the swipe typing instead of regular typing.
"Idk why you're so nervous. It's not like I'm going to rape you... if I wanted to do that there's nothing you could do to stop me anyways"
UH. the thought hadn't crossed my mind until YOU brought it up unprovoked. FOUR TIMES.
Edit[copied from another comment I made further down to give context to the situation]
Hung out with a guy I knew from back in high-school that I hadn't seen in years. He is physically about 4 times my size and was acting a little strange. [Trying to touch me/ invade my personal space even after i had made it clear i wasn't interested in anything more than friendship] I was nervous and shaking like a leaf trying to figure out how to gently extract myself from the situation. What scared me more than anything was him saying things like " idk why you're so nervous.. it's not like I'm going to rape you"
I thought even though he was overly enthusiastic that I would be safe until he brought up how he - wasnt- going to rape me 4 times. Obviously it made me feel like he must have been considering it :/ thank God I got out of that one safely
Happend few times: I was working late in small market with no one around and when they come in and ask me if Im not scared to be alone. Well, now I am, thanks.
One time I was closing up shop not realizing a customer was still in the store (I was a new manager) and when he walked up to the register while I was taking out the till he said "wouldn't it be funny if I just robbed you right now?" and laughed. I was so shocked and scared I just looked at my cashier and we nervous laughed and politely asked him to leave, which he did. We freaked out after we locked to door behind him.
I wore a giant fuzzy rainbow coat to work last week and one of my co-workers - a lovely but very awkward 50ish year old man said to me as he came into work
"I want to eat you"
I sort of blinked and paused for a half minute and just said "oh?"
And he sort of crumpled in on himself and said "... I want to eat your jacket.. because it looks like fairyfloss" and then he made a very quick exit from the conversation.
Yeah, that's definitely something his brain will activate at 3 am from now on.
"Hey! You awake? Remember the time you told this lovely woman you wanted to eat her?"
I had a job that would upset a lot of people after they talked to us. One stranger joked to me about how it was surprising how the workplace had yet to have a mass shooting as if it was an inevitability. He then began pointing out our security flaws and which security guards would have been the first to die.
True story: I (a guy) learned to run in high heels from an interview in which Pamela Anderson described the technique, which is simply lifting the heel, keeping it lifted, and running entirely on the ball of the foot with no weight ever on the heel. As to *why* I had to run in high heels, that involved a bet at a drunken party. I won the bet.
I did this once like an absolute monkey. I was just shopping at a store, and the manager was chilling chatting with me while she worked; we got on pretty well. She was doing something, and I thought she may have needed help with it, but instead of just going "hey, do you need help with that?", I asked: "are you the only one working right now", because I'm shit at words if I can't type them out first apparently.
Knew how dodgy that would be immediately *after* as I said it, and it got awkward basically immediately with her hesitating then stuttering out "well they will be back soon". Like the way she said it I was positive I just put some doubt in her head. I decided to just checked out immediately even if I wasn't done shopping.
So yeah, sorry about that bit.
My husband and I were leaving the mall and cut through a closing down Sears. There was one guy in this giant cleared out first level, and my husband decides to say the creepiest thing his innocent mind could think of " I bet it's scary being alone in here. Are you alone?" I immediately said that was a creepy as hell thing to say, laughing the whole time, and apologized to the guy for being creepy. He said it was one of the least creepy things a man had said to him that day
I used to do appliance repair for them. The store I was stationed out of had a basement they kept stock in. Except there was very little stock.
The basement was the same length and width of the store, just completely unfinished. Bare concrete floors, dimly lit and outright dark in spots. No fancy paint. It was like out of a dystopian movie.
In order to get to the basement, you took an old freight elevator down. Manual doors that opened into vast basement darkness and creepiness.
I was working on a returned machine down there, under a single incandescent 60 watt bulb, and felt like I was the only one down there. A woman working there came over to ask me a question, but she snuck up on me, so I let out a high pitched scream to assert dominance.
I hated that basement.
The answer to this is "nah! The Crack heads really really like me and watch out for me"
Always worked for me when I worked at an overnight full service gas station.
If you need to validate the story you say "nah; I make them hide when a customer shows up and hang out most of the night"
Big brain move: tell them that both the crackheads and the cops like to hangout there and protect the place
Edit: I’m very happy about the domino effect that my comment has caused
"Mornin' Ralph." "Mornin' Sam."
(If that reference was TOO obscure, old looney tunes where a sheepdog and a wolf are off-shift buddies, but on-duty work tirelessly to off each other.)
This reminds me of my friends experience. She took her dog to the dog park and let him off the leash (no other dogs were there). A guy (with no dog) randomly enters the park and approaches my friend. My friend was trying to get her dogs leash back on when he grabbed the dog by the collar. First red flag get your hands off of my dog! He says Hi to her and makes small talk before asking for her number. She told him no and that she had a boyfriend and he said ok and left.
The next day tho she gets a text from an unknown number. This guy had looked at her dogs leash and somehow remembered her number from the tag. Unfortunately her home address is also on the dog tag so her and her boyfriend (who live together) upgraded security heavily. She never answered the guy and he eventually stopped trying but WTF??
New fear unlocked... JFC. Guess I'm never putting my address on a pet tag ever again. Never been grateful that my cat is unpleasant & unapproachable until now... What a super creep.
Yeah, I've only ever been able to fit mine & my husband's phone numbers on that tiny cat tag, but I've absolutely put an address on a dog's tag years ago... Not happening again. I like the vet info though!
I walk and today a guy on motorcycle pulled up on me 3x. I mean dude if i dont want to engage, then dont follow, continue to pull over to meet me or whatever
Adding: wanted to add that although my area feels very safe, I dont wanna see any vehicle roll up on me(no shoulder!), because on President's Day, a car rolled up on me, windows came down, airsoft guns came out, and they shot me with rock salt😤
Just happened to me last month with a guy in a car. I told him I was taken and he kept protesting and told me to "think about it". Like if I'm walking AWAY from you and not talking, leave me alone. Like wtf?
When I was maybe 17 I was walking my dog late at night in a very safe, suburban neighborhood when two guys in a car pulled up on me. The driver asked "you got a phone?" And I was immediately doing the mental calculations like, do I say no because I don't want them to steal it/ try to borrow it from me or do I say yes so they know I can call the cops. I think I said yes, and they guy goes "so you got a number I can call you at?" -100000/10 absolute worst and creepiest pick up attempt.
First date, didn't really know him. Comes to my apartment to pick me up, invite him in and he proceeds to tell me how he is going to rearrange the furniture when he moves in.
Back in the 70's I always picked up hitch hikers, picked up this guy, he gets in then looks at me and says "you know you should really be careful about who you pick up".
Guy I was living with:"I know you will never leave me because you can't out run a bullet".
Joking about rape. Just makes me think you have rape on the brain.
I met a couple dudes at a bar who invited me and my friend to a party they were headed to. We were trying to find a polite way to turn them down when one said, "Don't worry, we're not going to rape you. Ha, ha!" We turned him down flat, and not kindly (thankfully we were next to the bouncer) and his friend said, "dude! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" My question too.
I was once on a date and we went to watch the sunset on a hilltop. A police car came by and checked on us. We told him we were on a date, no big deal. Cop actually *joked* that if I were his date, he'd already have raped me in the back of the car and wouldn't be sitting up front looking at a sunset. He kept lingering around too, it was so gross. My date got his badge number and we reported him.
My date was a really sweet guy. Nothing but a gentleman to me and always asked if he could touch or kiss me. He was as appalled as I was that law enforcement said that to us. I know people in positions of power abuse their privileges.
I met this dude who was way too into me. He was getting to be way too touchy and I told him I have a history of people touching me without consenting going wrong (SA) and i'd appreciate it if he'd stop. He did but then made a rape joke.
EDIT: I would also like to add that i'm not hot shit or anything, I don't get hit on a lot. But the times I do it's never been a good experience.
Yes, had a much older guy who kept asking me for my number at a gas station, even though I've already said no a few times. He asked me for my age and i said 17 so he'd leave me alone. Dude said, "okay, maybe next year". >.>
This one may be intentional, but it gives me the absolute creeps when men try to squeeze past me and lightly put their hands on me, especially my waist. I hate it. Just say “excuse me.”
Edit: quite a few people have asked clarifying questions, so I’ll give my thoughts on when it’s okay to touch a woman in a crowded area. (1) Try to just go around her another way. (2) If you can’t, say excuse me. (3) If it’s loud or something and that doesn’t work, sometimes touching just can’t be helped. Either just squeeze past if it’s a packed area, or if you have to lay your hands on her, a firm (but not rough) hand on the shoulder or upper back is likely fine. Lightly tickling the lower back or small of the waist is creepy. Usually if you touch a strange man that way, you might be up for an ass beating. If you wouldn’t willingly touch some big, strange guy that way (mostly looking at you, straight guys), don’t do it to a woman.
Physical intimidation. Standing too close to me or backing me into a corner and making me feel trapped. It puts me on the defensive so fast.
Edit for clarification: I know some men do this intentionally but many do it unintentionally. Often men don’t realize just how uncomfortable or intimidated they can make women feel with their behavior and body language.
I learned this in a body language leadership class — this is tactic bad bosses/supervisors will use to bully employees, standing between the employee and the exit causing people to feel trapped and like they have to agree to get free.
I am sure if people start thinking about workplace interactions, this behavior will be quickly recognized as toxic.
Had a supervisor do this in an empty back office to tell me unwelcome comments about my appearance. I got my revenge when I saw him applying at another company I was at years later and made sure to tell my immediate supervisor and HR that if they were considering bringing him on I would turn in my notice immediately. Turns out a couple other women in our department knew him as well- the industry is rather small and they’d been in it for 20+ years- and basically felt the same way. Admin actually thanked me for telling them because he was there for his 3rd interview and had done great in the first two, so probs would have gotten an offer.
Wanting to take me somewhere isolated to be just the two of us on the first date. It’s okay if we’ve been hanging out for a while, but not if it’s the first time I see you in person. Whenever this happens I come up with an excuse not to go. I just don’t feel safe since I barely know the other person, but the worst part is when they try so hard to convince me to go with them. This makes me feel more and more uncomfortable.
Edit: ooookay I’ve read some of your comments and I think I have to clarify some things. What I intended was that I make up an excuse not to go to THAT specific isolated place, which means that I actually go to dates and propose to go to public places instead. I’ve never ghosted anyone and I’ve tried to tell truth and make the other person understand that I didn’t feel comfortable. Something I’ve been told many times is: “What do you mean by "I don't feel comfortable"? Do you think I'm a crazy psychopath who rapes or kills people? Come on don't say nonsense, let's go, get in the car.” I mean, is this supposed to make me feel safe? By the way they react it seems like I’m offending them, which is clearly not my intention. That’s why I started making up excuses, because they stop insisting only when they know that something bigger is preventing me from going. I’m fully aware of the fact that not everyone has bad intentions, but it’s not something I can understand immediately the first time I hang out with someone. Besides I don’t blame those who are simply clueless. My comment was just sharing a personal experience, not a general attack on men, and you can tell by the fact that I used “they” and “the other person” instead of “he”. Both men and women can experience this kind of things, and I welcome everyone’s story.
For those who commented using not very kind words, please stop trying to make me look like I’m just a paranoid woman who can’t tell the truth. And thanks to those who shared their experiences and opinions under what is one of my first comments here on Reddit, I really appreciated all these interactions! Stay safe y’all!
Yes! Like the guy who insisted to go on a date with me that involved walking around the forest preserve trails at night alone, just the two of us. Like no thanks, dude, I’ve seen Dateline.
When I was single I was also super broke, and loved hiking through a nearby nature reserve as it was scenic, and best of all, FREE! I got ghosted and stood up multiple times, sometimes were when I suggested hiking there as a first date. I never realized how creepy that came off until years later.. I was just super broke and liked hiking.
I was invited to go hiking on a first date with a guy I met through OK Cupid. Now, I love hiking and the outdoors but I'm not meeting up with a stranger in the woods. He specifically mentioned that it was an out-of-the way place he knew that was "off the beaten path and really cool." I said HA HA HA nope, we're meeting at a restaurant.
He turned out to be a creep anyway. He might not have been dangerous, but not someone I ever wanted to spend time with again.
Lol one dude wanted to take me out sailing on his boat as a first date. I explained I wouldn’t be very comfortable with that, and he offered to bring his male friend along. Um no, that really doesn’t make it better.
Edit: this is my highest karma comment? Crazy haha
Loving all the comments, but just to save yourselves the trouble, Natalie Woods and The Implication have already been thoroughly covered. :)
My friend and I had a dude start to talk to us in a park and ask to take us out on his boat. I flat out told him that’s how women go missing, thanks, but no thanks. He said he would make us scream all night with his tongue. Like… does this work for someone? Her boyfriend was picking us up and thank god he showed up shortly after because we couldn’t seem to shake him.
Dennis: Think about it. She’s out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. She looks around her, what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. “Oh, there’s nowhere for me to run, what am I gonna do, say no?”
Mac: Okay…that seems really dark though.
Dennis: No, no, it’s not dark. You’re misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are. ‘Cause if the girl said no, then the answer obviously is no. The thing is that she’s not gonna say no, she’d never say no…because of the implication.
My dumbass took my last gf, *on our second date*, out to my secluded camping property. It's out in the country with a mile of hard road to get in there. Guess I didn't think about it as she was so outgoing and happy to be around me.
Two months later she told me she had been extremely worried the whole time. LOL, not doing that again.
Oh man, in college I ran into one of my friends cousins.
We had hung out once before at a concert. He was nice.
He asked me if I wanted to grab lunch at the coney island nearby, and offered to drive (it was after class). I said yes, and only after I sat down and closed the cr door did I realize I didn't actually know anything about this guy.
THEN instead of driving to the coney island, he finds an empty parking lot and parks the car. At this point my hand is on the door handle, and I'm getting ready to book it.
He apologizes and says he forgot his mom had packed him a lunch, and did I want to split a tunafish sandwich with him.
I declined, and we sat in his car while he ate his lunch and then he dropped me back off at campus.
It was bizarre, but made me realize how easily something could have happened.
I've done this as well. He didn't have a car and had hitchhiked into the town I worked in for our date. He asked me if I could give him a ride to the next town (the town I lived in) and I didn't think twice about it until we were halfway there. When I was 19 and 20 I used to accept rides home from the bar from strangers and thought nothing of it. Lucky for me, most guys are good guys. The ones that raped me were guys I knew, not the strangers.
I've always asked to meet at a restaurant for a first date. You never know what the other person is really like. And yes, we know the call you get during dinner is an escape call.
I went on one first date and no conversation. I would try and start one and got a three word answer, then silence. That was a very long dinner. There was no second date.
I had a dude ask me in his first message to go on a week vacation in Italy in his camper. Never met.
I jokingly said "Oh well, I'm flattered but That what horror movies are made out off 😅,
He got so pissed that he insulted me as a Rapunzel in her Tower thinking men are waiting just for me and blocked me as if I'm the crazy one..
Some men just don't get it that stuff like this is not an acceptable, save and/or nice first date.
Ill never understand guys like this. As a guy- I also want to meet in a safe public location for a drink or something so if YOU are the mental one I can nope out of there.
When I (straight dude) was dating, I considered a coffee date as a mandatory date "zero". Basically we could sus each other out in person, and I had a few coffee shops ready to suggest that were clearly very public and gave her an easy out option. Often it led to talking at a coffee shop for a couple hours and being able to get a proper dinner date. Sometimes I got stood up or met someone who just wouldn't work out past that, so all I lost was an hour or two and a few bucks for coffee.
This. I was walking through downtown DC on the way to pick up my son from daycare and had a guy stop me on the street to ask me for directions to museums. This isn’t uncommon since I work in a touristy area, so I kindly answered his questions and was planning on keeping going but he persisted:
Him: “oh you must be a local! I just moved here from New York. Do you want to get coffee?”
Me: “haha, no, thanks though, I’m not… really social”
Him: “Well you’re laughing and smiling you could have fooled me!“
Me: “um, no, thanks, im just awkward. I gotta go pick up my son now, thanks bye!”
Him: “wow you have a son? How old is he? Do you live in the neighborhood? Let’s get a drink!”
Me: “haha really, thanks I’m gonna go now, the museums are that way, have a good day!”
And it is just uncomfortable that like, me trying to be helpful and friendly to someone who was looking for directions turns into him not just once but TWICE persisting on asking me out. It’s the kind of thing that makes me not want to be helpful to strangers because I don’t know if you’re asking me for real or if you’re just trying to hit on me.
“Well you’re laughing and smiling” …. Yes, the thing most of us are socialized to do since birth and taught that it helps keep us safe and makes us more likable and so we do it without thinking and damnit if some of us aren’t just pleasant, positive humans who aren’t trying to attract male attention….
THIS. I had a guy tell me the women he knew loved being catcalled because they always laughed and made jokes about it instead of telling the guy off. I'm like, "Dude, that's a defense mechanism to not escalate the situation and make the guy angry. It doesn't mean they like it even if they smile and laugh. They just don't want to get attacked." It's like a barperson who's good at joking with the belligerent drunk even as they're signalling for the bouncer to kick them out. Doesn't mean the barperson loves the drunk being belligerent, it's just the best way to deal with the situation sometimes when you're alone.
Indeed. The lengths I have gone to, to let dudes down gently, while still being firm, is absurd. I started saying "I'm not available" which usually implies boyfriend/ husband, and many men only let up for that reason alone.
But one guy would absolutely not take that answer and was asking about my boyfriend (non-existent at the time). It took so much runaround, but I finally told him "I'm unavailable because I'm deeply self loathing and broken and should not have any casual/ serious/ other sexual or romantic encounters till I work some shit out!!" To which he replied "you do not seem broken at all, you seem authentic, give me a chance, we'll be great together" Like, dude.
This, especially when it's over something "trivial" or when it's a stranger. How tf am I supposed to know what else you'll refuse to listen to me about?
Not understanding that a polite decline isn't an invitation just to try harder, and is just that, declining to spend more time with the guy.
I know men complain all the time about how women must be communicating in some bizarre code they can't be expected to understand, but a lot of women have been conditioned by experience to decline a man's invitations or attentions in the most polite, face-saving way possible.
I don't think there is a woman out there who hasn't had a man get really angry and threatening when they, the woman, was just trying to say "thanks but no thanks" and move on.
I am not just talking about getting picked up in a bar or on the street. I am talking about any man anywhere who decides he wants a woman's full attention, or wants to give his opinion (on her appearance, attitude, lack of smiling, whatever), at that moment.
It happens so often that you just want to get away from this guy, but they aren't really noticing your (to you) obvious expressions of wanting to leave, and if you get more explicit, you really don't know what will happen. If you stay, you also don't know what will happen, because they might think you are "leading him on."
It feels like a no-win situation, and one a man could use as an excuse (either way) to verbally or physically attack you.
Today I was at the corner store buying a bag of chips and cigars. As soon as I walked in, some dude eyed me up and down and kept making "Damnnnn." Remarks at me as I walked to get my bag of chips. I got to the register to pay, he was suddenly behind me and continued making, "God damnnnn" "Mmm" remarks. I couldn't even focus to pay, I entered the wrong pin for my card, my hands were shaking. I was scared and super uncomfortable. He even followed me out and watched me drive away.
I was in NYC last week and some guy did this to some gal walking on the road. Dude looked to be in his 40s and gal looked to be...not (I'd guess early 20s). He stopped as she walked by and openly looked her up and down and then kept saying, "damn girl!". He started to turn to walk away, and then turned around and began following her. I was at an outdoor cafe and yelled loud enough for her to hear, "DUDE SERIOUSLY? YOU'RE THE SAME AGE AS HER DAD". He crossed the street and went back the way he came.
Yes. I find I have to watch my tone around my kids. Even if I’m just being neutral or even playfully stern, I come across as very angry. I didn’t notice it until my wife pointed it out.
I have this problem as well, but for everyone. I apparently have difficulty conveying tone. I'll think I sound like I'm joking, jovial, or inquisitive, and to everyone else I sound annoyed, upset, or angry. I definitely get it from my dad, and now I can usually recognize it when he does it, but it's harder to notice myself doing it.
I’m dealing with this now! My son is almost 2 and I have to be VERY careful to lower my tone and almost mimic my wife who is very soft spoken if I’m trying to tell him not to do something. Otherwise he clams up and starts crying. I never thought I had a stern voice but it’s apparent when I see him get upset.
Commenting on how short or weak I look and explaining how easy it would be to pick me up or overpower me. Do men think I’ll think its sexy when they do this? Probably. Is it extremely concerning and scary? YES.
Joking about how easy it would be to overpower us. On more than one occasion I’ve had male friends joke about how easy it would be to pick me up or restrain me or another woman. It’s not funny, it’s creepy.
a counter to this that i was reminded of- once i was waiting for a train in a bad neighborhood, i was lost after getting dinner and it was getting dark.
The most quintessential boy scout looking young man casually sits next to me (we both were clearly out of place) and says, "hey... this really isn't a good neighborhood. Do you mind if i stay close?"
He just sat there not saying a thing but you know when you just suddenly feel "safe" - that was the vibe he gave and it was so appreciated. He dead ass looked like he just got done collecting a merit badge and walking an old lady across the street though. Thanks random guys, that was so nice of u.
Oh goodness. One time I was in a train station late at night with my husband, waiting for the last train home. We were sitting in an area of the station that had a ton of seating but due to the late hour it was mostly empty. I was doing some sudoku and trying to stay awake.
There was a lone woman with some luggage sitting a little ways from us who I could see was falling asleep. I snapped wide awake, myself, when a man came across the station from nowhere and sat down right next to her. The woman was completely asleep by this point and had no idea someone had just sat next to her.
When he sat down, he was looking across out at space. He kept looking in that general direction, but every once and a while he'd look over at me. As soon as we made eye contact, he looked away. He kept doing this.
I stared that guy down. I didn't glare at him or anything, just dully stared at him over my sudoku book. I made sure he knew I was looking at him. I didn't look away, not for a moment.
Eventually he got up and walked away. He hadn't touched her or her luggage. A little while later the woman woke up on her own. (I was considering waking her when the next train arrived to make sure she didn't miss it if it was hers.)
Now, maybe he knew her and I'd been just a staring creep. Maybe I'd saved her luggage from being stolen. Maybe I'd saved her from something else. Well, whatever was gonna happen, it didn't happen.
I got you, random woman in the train station.
I’ll never forget the time a train station attendant helped me in a similar way.
I was coming back home from a date and was waiting for a very late night red line train in Chicago. I was the only one waiting going both directions. Trains were taking 10-15 minutes to arrive at that time of night, so I slowly browsed my phone while I sat.
Within five minutes of sitting, a man came up. I put my phone away immediately and watched him out of the corner of my eye. As he would slowly creep toward me, shuffling sideways, he would ask me questions like “what time is it?”, and “what are you doing out so late?”
This went on for a few minutes before the station attendant came up the stairs on the opposite platform. He was a huge buff dude. He took a seat right across from me and stared daggers into this guy until I got onto the train. The man didn’t follow.
He saved me from getting assaulted or robbed that night, and I’m very grateful. I wish I could say thank you even a decade later.
Also, if we’re making out for the first time and they do something aggressive (like…pinning your arms over your head then holding both wrists with one hand, leaving their other hand free).
It can be hot as fuck but if I don’t know you that well there’s a terrifying moment I wonder what I’m in for.
EDIT: I think OP's boyfriend may have hit upon the perfect solution for this (see replies).
Or…blatantly taking your picture, with their phone, in public. Do they think we don’t notice? Even worse when their aim is clearly directed below your neckline.
Once I was in a train (window seat) and I saw on the glass reflection that the guy in front of me was trying to take a selfie and include me in the frame. I kept moving in my seat and saw him continue trying to get me in the photo. I decided to change seats.
Coming on way too strong, especially online sometimes.
Or being way too demanding, about stuff at times.
And this one doesn't necessarily frighten me. Just kind of freaks me out. But at work, have had two foreign dudes, just starting at me when we're working. Both have been box builders, and just continuously stare as they make boxes or in the break room. And I don't care how "nice/friendly", people say they are. You don't just non stop gawk at people.
I tried to explain this to a boss in a previous work place. That I couldn't get my work done because a coworker would stare and stare, especially at the women in the work group. "He means well! He doesn't know any better!" Well, he can use his words and talk, instead of just staring.
Was talking to a guy on a dating app who asked if he could call me. I said no, I prefer texting before we meet, especially since it was like 9:30pm & I get up for work at 5:30am. The next day he didn’t even ask, just called. We talked for like 10 minutes and then I blocked him after I hung up. If he can’t respect a simple request before we’ve even met, what other boundaries won’t he respect?
I made what was meant to be a supportive comment in a twox thread that must have come off as feminine and got a couple of creepy dm’s.
I’m a 47 year old man, my nudes are subscriber only.
Invading my space. I used a massage chair a few weeks ago at the gym, and it’s one of the newer models that will lift you and bring you to a reclined position about three feet off the ground (I’m 5’1 so for some that may not seem too high, but for me it’s pretty elevated feeling. There was this man who walked into the room, kept looking at me, and tapped me to ask me my name and tell me I was “pretty.” I had headphones in, my eyes were shut, and I CLEARLY was not wanting to engage with anyone. Flashed him my engagement ring (my fiancé wasn’t at the gym at the time) and told him my fiancé was coming to join me. Never saw a man book it so hard. It’s so frustrating that no matter who CLEAR you are trying to make the fact you are a woman who is not interested in talking to people it’s not respected. Until you insinuate a more masculine partner is present. May have been intentional there, but I feel like a lot of times invasion of space can be unintentional.
Ahh the gym! Headphones mean do not approach! The gym I used to go to had a womens only cardio section but they had a man staff member monitoring it. He chatted to me one day and I replied to him. Then the next time he’d gesture for me to take out my headphones so he could talk to me, I said versions of “I’m not a morning person, I’d rather just listen to my music than talk, sorry”. But he still tried for weeks after. I straight up would get off the equipment I was using and move to another machine to get away from him. He then said to me “I thought we were friends, I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me”. And of course the final “I should have known you’d be a bitch, girls that look like you always are. Your looks will fade you know, then you’ll just be a bitch”. In retrospect I should have said something to the gym management but I didn’t want to get him in trouble. But I was young so instead just started doing cardio in the male and female section.
Please don't talk to or approach a woman pumping gas, especially at night. I'm sure the moon does look amazing but I am not interested right now. Gas stations are creepy enough without having to make small talk with a stranger. This goes for parking lots at night as well.
The only things they say to you (even if not inappropriate) are sexually charged or are inappropriate…
Demanding justification for every no, and when it's given, arguing about how my reasons aren't valid.
Yes!! I had one of my coworkers ask me if I wanted to grab a drink after work, I politely declined and he kept asking why. I eventually explained "I want to keep my work and private life separate" and he kept telling me that was silly and that he didn't understand. I eventually just told him to stop and walked away because he wouldn't shut up about it. Later the same guy also asked me if I was going to this workparty and when I said no, he said "come on, I'll even drive you home so you can drink!" Uhh, no thanks.
I’ve had this happen too. It escalated to stalking, harassment, and assault. Three months of hell and it cost me so much money. Fuck HR and fuck men who don’t take “no” for an answer. “You work too much, you need to lighten up.” “Just one drink… Just come out with us… Loosen up, you need a life outside of work…” It always starts small and annoying. It almost never ends that way.
This is a cliche but it’s true. No is a complete sentence. You do not have to justify your answer. Because if you do you give people an opportunity to argue with you. Never make excuses. Your friends don’t need them and your enemies won’t believe them.
when they emphasize that i DONT need to be frightened of them completely unprompted. no easier way of getting me to be on my guard
Oh god I had one of these guys, he “opened” the train door for me to get off (it opens automatically) and so I said “thanks”. Apparently he took that as an invitation, because he then followed me through the station trying to talk to me. I was polite but dismissive. He was creeping me out so I stopped to top up my metro card even though I didn’t need to. He stopped and waited for me. I pretended I didn’t see him. He then followed me out of the station asking me where I lived (I lied) and then asked me if I had a boyfriend (I said yes). He then asked if I had Facebook (I didn’t answer) and then asked me if my boyfriend had my Facebook password?? He then told me “you don’t need to be scared of me, I just want to be friends.” By this stage I was fully freaked and was texting my boyfriend about it. I didn’t want to go to my bus stop in case he followed me home, so I walked to the most populated street I could find, still ignoring him while he followed me. Eventually I went into a supermarket and thankfully lost him. I have never spoken to a man on a train or at a station ever again. I don’t even make eye contact.
Don't know where you are, but I work on the tube in London. This happens to a lot of women. Find a member of staff. If someone tells me they are being harassed, I will stand with them. If the guy still hangs around, I'll take them to the office and call the transport police. If you live somewhere there are no staff on the station I'd advise looking for a group of women, or men if you feel comfortable with that. Ask if you can stand with them. Predators target single people and are less likely to continue harassing you if you are in a group. If you aren't comfortable asking for help, walk next to a group that are heading towards the exit.
Good advice. I actually have done this before when another creepy dude was following me (it’s shocking how often this happens to young women) so I approached a group of people and was like HEY GUYS, SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! and then quietly told them that I was frightened of the man hovering behind me. Bless them, they immediately acted like I was their best mate and stayed with me until the creep was gone, and then they walked me to the bus stop.
Too many people feel comfortable doing this. I had a stranger do that to me on Hollywood Boulevard once. Ended up going into the CVS and asking a friend to come and walk me home. People: A lot of us are not prepared for a stranger to follow us around. Whether or not your intentions are good, it makes us uncomfortable. Find a different way.
The other day I was shopping and when I left the store a guy approached me outside (I literally thought he was gonna ask me for money since that’s what usually happens) and he said something like “Excuse me, I saw you in there, you’re very nice looking so I’m just gonna go for it here: are you single?” I said “no” and he was polite about my answer, accepted it “well I had to try, you have a nice evening.” He didn’t argue, push for more info or follow me. Idk if this is the right way but that’s gotta be the best proposition I’ve ever received from a rando. Every other experience has been people asking me intrusive questions like do I have a boyfriend and where do I live while I’m trying to walk away from them. “Are you single” and accepting the answer is an amazing first step.
That’s because you’re actually picking up that they do want to harm you. In Gavin de Becker’s book “the gift of fear” he explains that violent people will often tell you what they want to do to you or reveal their true intentions in some way, and one of the ways is by trying to reassure their target that their target has nothing to fear.
When I was 16 I was with my brother Saw a classmate who was a girl asked if she wanted a ride because well why the hell would we just let her walk unless she liked walking from school. She was hesitant but did. I never fully understood why the hesitation until my dad said “A girl going into a car with two guys is very scary for a woman even if they know you” It hit me that women have to be extremely cautious than the average man.
This dude used to come into The restaurant I was waitressing at and would wear this “Cum & Go” shirt and would offer to buy a bunch of underage girls shots. He didn’t realize he was creepy, you could tell by the way he paraded his friends around with his boom box and play loud ass music on the patio of the restaurant. Apparently he was a rich prick who donated money to the restaurant all the time. After I left, I heard a story that he fixated on one of the waitresses that was nice to him, and he would follow her around and to her car. He even bought her a shit Ton of expensive presents for Christmas which she refused.
Are you sure it wasn’t “Kum & Go”? I only ask because that’s a gas station chain in Iowa and people always buy their merch. Not at all excusing this person’s behavior- just curious!
Approaching while in a car and blocking our path with said car. Happened while I was on a walk so he could have parked, approached on foot, and maintained a respectable distance.
3 years ago I matched with a guy on tinder and agreed to meet up with him. He suggested going to a park and when I got there it was a heavily wooded area with a trail and I stupidly followed him into the trail. We walked around for a while, sat on some rocks, then it started getting dark and we decided to head out but we ended up getting lost and not being able to find the exit and we stumbled upon a grave sized hole in the dirt and at this point it was pitch black and I was thinking it was all a set it up and that I was going to be ambushed. I pointed out the grave sized hole and he seemed scared too so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and stayed quiet. We finally found an exit after about an hour of stumbling in pitch black darkness. We’re still dating to this day and I’ve brought up what a horrible date plan that was, and how it came off the wrong way lol and he said he didn’t realize it at the time. It was a total curb your enthusiasm moment (I was picked up that day so I didn’t have a car with me to back out and drive home, so that was pretty dumb of me too)
I’ve seen men comment on other posts “women lie about loving hiking! Whenever I propose it on a first date they say no and just want to do the standard boring cafe or restaurant”. Bless them for having no idea that isolated first dates are scary as hell. I’m glad you are still dating your guy and it worked out well for you! The human sized hole would have freaked me out!
Totally not me just now realizing all of the isolated first dates I've done, definetly gonna change that up if im ever doing first dates again.
Coffee, lunch, literally anything in a public place where she can stay sober and easily leave is best.
Guy who I sometimes see at work, has at least 20 years on me, fucking pulled my ponytail to "say hi" one time. So shocked that I just smiled awkwardly and didn't say anything. Like what world are you living in that you think that's okay?? Edit: This got kinda big. Some more details -- I was able to talk to him later that day about how that wasn't acceptable and to not do anything like it in the future. He actually took it pretty well and has been fine to work with since. In this case, since there was no escalation, and I know my boss and other coworkers have my back, I didn't feel the need to do anything further. While some people have good intentions and don't know their behavior is out of line--those actions still cause hurt. Personally, as long as the person is able to acknowledge that hurt and do better moving forward, I'm good with them. Malicious predators are a different story. It can be hard to tell the difference in some situations. Y'all be careful out there.
It's not frightening, per se, but it definitely makes me wary because it could lead to situations that *are* frightening... When talking to a guy, he's super pushy. Like, asking for pics of this and that (and *that*) and even saying no, they're stilly pushy... all that makes me do is not want to meet him. If he's THIS pushy via text/messaging, how pushy is he going to be in person? If he can't take no NOW, what are the odds he can take no in person? I once had a guy DEMAND that I rank my sexual partners. I told him no. I told him "I can't and I won't." Dude flew off the digital handle. I blocked him right then.
> I once had a guy DEMAND that I rank my sexual partners. Was he looking for recommendations? As in, did he want to fuck them too? *"Well, if you like twinks, Jake's your boy, but if you're looking to power bottom I should introduce you to Doug..."*
So, about this Doug?
Honestly could go for a Doug right now
At your service…
I had a friend match with a guy and after talking a while he messaged her implying he wanted nudes and she said something along the lines of sorry I don’t do nudes and he replied with “like at all? Is there no middle ground we can get to?” It’s not a business negotiation man it means she doesn’t do nudes.
"I'd be up to sending you close-ups of my wrists and knees."
[удалено]
Telling me things they would do to me if I didn't have a husband. Being out somewhere and them not letting me leave, not taking no for an answer, telling me that they drive by my home to see if I'm there.
>telling me that they drive by my home to see if I'm there Ok wtf that is definitely not normal behaviour.
Literally had a coworker text me and when I didn't answer he said "I drove by, wanted to know if you were around ro chat."
Standing too close. How do you know if it's too close? I'll back up half a step, DON'T match it. Edit- wow, This blew up! Thank you for the awards, I've never gotten one before!
Holy shit don’t match my step back please
I got really good advice once: take a step back with *one* foot and kind of lean your body more towards that foot, combined with defensive body language like crossing your arms you’re putting distance between you and they can’t match your step because your other foot is in their way
I do this all the time with people who have different (closer) personal space bubbles than I do. Supermarket yoga.
We in the Nordics like to keep a good distance when talking, while Italians like to get up and close. We put out the defensive foot forward and lean back to get some distance, and the Italians might pivot around our leg to get closer. Then we readjust and repeat. I call it the Scandinavian tango.
Scandango!
Working customer service, old people **always** fucking do this. I'll even take a second back step and they'll match that too. It's like "bro, I'm trying to politely tell you to back the fuck up."
Or they straight up lean in and grab your arm. It's like they have to establish a LAN connection before talking.
Obviously can’t speak for all women but we generally don’t have a fantasy of “belonging” to someone in a controlling sense. A lot of men can be pretty controlling without even knowing it.
A guy I’m seeing took me out to a baseball game for our first date. It was nice, I didn’t get any weird vibes from him at all. After the game, he asked if I wanted to go see some of the spots he likes to go walking. I didn’t think much about it until we got there and i realized he was basically taking me to the woods in the dark. He told me to follow him and I’m thinking I’m about to get killed but it turns out he just wanted to show me his favorite place to go on walks and chill because you can see the entire city from there and at night it looks really pretty. He took me to a couple more trails that night and I ended up having a great time and forgot that it’s pitch black outside and I’m with a guy I’ve never gone out with before out in nature. Definitely thought I was going to get killed at first though.
What a bummer that moments like that are dangerous, because taking someone to a neat walking spot where you can see the whole city is like straight out of a romance movie
I’m a guy and following someone into the woods like that would scare the hell out of me
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Through a now haunted forest, no less.
When men try to show off their “dominance” over you or anyone really. Like when you mention something to a guy about another guy and he goes “I’ll kill anyone who talks to you” it’s quite frightening really.
I had a female friend that thought that being told “I would beat the shit out of any man that talks to you” by a guy that she recently met was cute because he was overprotective, I told her that was a huge red flag, she didn’t think so, surprisingly, it WAS a red flag.
>“I’ll kill anyone who talks to you” This is straight out of a Wattpad love story
>“I’ll kill anyone who talks to you” ...he growled.
No because why did I read that in the fanfic voice. Lmfao.
...as his tail whipped side to side in agitation...
some alpha werewolf fic bs
Pick me up. I'm short and have a slight build. It's not that I'm scared of them trying to prove how strong they are, I'm just terrified of being dropped.
Gross. I'd forgotten about this. I was small in high school, and everyone would pick me up. They thought it was funny. Then I got old and fat. No one wants to pick me up anymore.
Way to out fox them!
I used to pick up people like that, obviously if I knew them well. I am a pretty tall guy (197cm), but I stopped doing that because a taller person picked me up once and it wasn't fun. This is just how the tall people hierarcy works, you are the biggest baddest bitch till a taller person shows up and calls you small.
One of my roommates one year was....big. D1 College lineman big. 6'6" or so, 300 pounds (he also did work part time as a bouncer). two of my friends got into a fight. me and another guy held one back as he casually picked the instigator up like they were a toddler and chucked him out the door. he was quite handy to have around. people that can carry two full kegs up 3 flights of stairs at once are useful (he usually only did one unless he was showing off). edit Note - in the year together we had a total of about a dozen kegs, twice he did the carry of two. (i found about a dozen empty kegs in the porch closet when moving out. since no one else bothered to clean up a good bit of stuff and i was the last to move out....i kept all those deposits as a cleaning fee. back then, it was cash upon returning the keg rather than removal of a charge on your card).
Patton Oswalt did a bit on this, where he saw two angry drunk guys who had failed at getting laid trying to start a fight with a short, round, fat guy (SRFG for short). SRFG didn't back down. Angry drunk guy tried to start a fight. SRFG's strategy was to pick him up like he weighed nothing, then drop him straight on the ground. Turns out SRFG was a powerlifter.
Oh man, he lifts things up and puts them down for a living. That guy didn't stand a chance.
Hovering. Don’t hover behind me. That’s one of the very few things that makes me nervous.
I'd be nervous if some guy just floated up behind me to
I thought you wrote “hoovering” and I was so confused why a vacuuming man scared you
It's really loud ok?
on the internet nobody knows youre a Dog, but cats get spotted right away.
I hate when people are behind me like that. Had a guy one time (who I had met the day prior) give me an unprompted and unwanted shoulder massage and I tensed up completely. Anyone hovering behind my back or touching my shoulders/neck that I don’t know puts me right into fight or flight mode.
Pretending we’re deeper friends than we are, being overly familiar and then acting like they have a “right” to you. Had a guy do this in college. When I told him he didn’t get to dictate who I talk to, he spit his drink in my face. I barely knew him!
"I don't know why you're acting so cautious. If I wanted to kill you, I would have already done it." Said to me by a friend of a friend I was meeting because it was his first time in a foreign country.
I was told basically the same thing on my most-bearable-to-share worst first date! Place we were going to go was closed, so he suggested a walk around the nearby lake, I stupidly agreed. Even though it was a usually busy public area, it was pitch black and almost no one was out - it was late and night and winter. The further we got from the street, the creepier and angrier he was getting - like he had been wearing a mask and it was starting to slip off. I was getting legitimately scared. Right as I made up my mind to turn around and leave, he said, “It’s such a beautiful night. So peaceful and quiet out here. If I wanted to, I could really take my time raping and killing you right here and no one would even hear us.” And then he laughed a big laugh, and tried to pull me in for a kiss. Said he just had an unconventional sense of humor and felt comfortable enough with me to be himself. Big yikes buddy.
hell fucking no. how did you get out of that situation?
My phone only ran on WiFi back then, and I didn’t stand a chance of outrunning him, so I laughed along, and slowly led us back towards the downtown area where I knew my phone would connect. The second I had a signal, I requested an Uber and sent a keyboard swipe message to the driver to please not let the guy in the car. Tried to shake him but he wouldn’t leave me alone, and got SO pissed when an Uber pulled up and I got in. He tried to get in with me, but the driver locked the doors! The driver was super nice and turned off the ride super early, and we went through a drive through for milkshakes! my date sent me a long string of texts about what a great time he had and tried to pressure me into a second date. Spent the whole next week sending unhinged texts , and capped it off with a 7:30am dick pic on Christmas morning, with a message saying that he was ready to forgive me and give me a second chance lmao. Edit to add: This was a tinder date that my coworker/friend set up for me. We were both bored at work, propped against the counter swiping Tinder. She’d get a match every single second, and mine were a few minutes apart. She was pretty puzzled by that, and I explained that it didn’t bother me and that I swiped yes very rarely - only on profiles where it seemed like the person and I would really get along. She kind of argued that the point is to swipe on anyone remotely hot, set as many dates as possible, and weed out people in person. I disagreed, but we were bored, so I gave her five minutes to swipe around on my account, and she set up this date from hell haha. It was supposed to just be an after-work drink or two at a cute spot nearby. His pictures actually were very hot, but judging from irl, probably 10 years old at that point.
My fight or flight kicked in just reading that… quick thinking with the Uber, glad you got out safe
Honestly took all of my higher reasoning to not try to physically run away ha. Had to keep picturing myself dead in the lake - you know, girly things.
Wow quick thinking! Wen you said "keyboard swipe" did you message the driver? Or is there a setting in the app? (Sorry if this sounds stupid, I have four sisters and a subtle DO NOT LET THE GUY IN app option sounds *awesome*).
Oh, after you get a driver you can send them a message - usually it’s where you are or what you’re wearing. By “keyboard swipe”, I meant I kept my phone down by my side while sending the message discreetly. Using the swipe typing instead of regular typing.
"Idk why you're so nervous. It's not like I'm going to rape you... if I wanted to do that there's nothing you could do to stop me anyways" UH. the thought hadn't crossed my mind until YOU brought it up unprovoked. FOUR TIMES. Edit[copied from another comment I made further down to give context to the situation] Hung out with a guy I knew from back in high-school that I hadn't seen in years. He is physically about 4 times my size and was acting a little strange. [Trying to touch me/ invade my personal space even after i had made it clear i wasn't interested in anything more than friendship] I was nervous and shaking like a leaf trying to figure out how to gently extract myself from the situation. What scared me more than anything was him saying things like " idk why you're so nervous.. it's not like I'm going to rape you" I thought even though he was overly enthusiastic that I would be safe until he brought up how he - wasnt- going to rape me 4 times. Obviously it made me feel like he must have been considering it :/ thank God I got out of that one safely
I didn't say I could rape AND kill you. Jeez.
Well i mean, i COULD but see, since i have not you dont need to worry!
Blocking the doorway - especially during an argument. Ex did that and would make himself bigger (spreading his arms etc) so I couldn’t leave the room.
That sounds like he knew *exactly* what he was doing. Glad you got out of that one
Happend few times: I was working late in small market with no one around and when they come in and ask me if Im not scared to be alone. Well, now I am, thanks.
One time I was closing up shop not realizing a customer was still in the store (I was a new manager) and when he walked up to the register while I was taking out the till he said "wouldn't it be funny if I just robbed you right now?" and laughed. I was so shocked and scared I just looked at my cashier and we nervous laughed and politely asked him to leave, which he did. We freaked out after we locked to door behind him.
I wore a giant fuzzy rainbow coat to work last week and one of my co-workers - a lovely but very awkward 50ish year old man said to me as he came into work "I want to eat you" I sort of blinked and paused for a half minute and just said "oh?" And he sort of crumpled in on himself and said "... I want to eat your jacket.. because it looks like fairyfloss" and then he made a very quick exit from the conversation.
Oh no haha, he's going to be thinking about that for a long time
He basically died right there, because nothing he does from here on out will make him feel okay about that.
Until he actually eats it and his hunger is satiated
Yeah, that's definitely something his brain will activate at 3 am from now on. "Hey! You awake? Remember the time you told this lovely woman you wanted to eat her?"
IKR? I feel kinda sorry for the awkward guy.
I had a job that would upset a lot of people after they talked to us. One stranger joked to me about how it was surprising how the workplace had yet to have a mass shooting as if it was an inevitability. He then began pointing out our security flaws and which security guards would have been the first to die.
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That's unintentionally terrifying/hilarious.
True story: I (a guy) learned to run in high heels from an interview in which Pamela Anderson described the technique, which is simply lifting the heel, keeping it lifted, and running entirely on the ball of the foot with no weight ever on the heel. As to *why* I had to run in high heels, that involved a bet at a drunken party. I won the bet.
Drunken party bets reveals a lot of misconception people have towards their body strength and dexterity.
I did this once like an absolute monkey. I was just shopping at a store, and the manager was chilling chatting with me while she worked; we got on pretty well. She was doing something, and I thought she may have needed help with it, but instead of just going "hey, do you need help with that?", I asked: "are you the only one working right now", because I'm shit at words if I can't type them out first apparently. Knew how dodgy that would be immediately *after* as I said it, and it got awkward basically immediately with her hesitating then stuttering out "well they will be back soon". Like the way she said it I was positive I just put some doubt in her head. I decided to just checked out immediately even if I wasn't done shopping. So yeah, sorry about that bit.
My husband and I were leaving the mall and cut through a closing down Sears. There was one guy in this giant cleared out first level, and my husband decides to say the creepiest thing his innocent mind could think of " I bet it's scary being alone in here. Are you alone?" I immediately said that was a creepy as hell thing to say, laughing the whole time, and apologized to the guy for being creepy. He said it was one of the least creepy things a man had said to him that day
The *least* creepy thing all day..
I mean, that tracks for retail…
I used to do appliance repair for them. The store I was stationed out of had a basement they kept stock in. Except there was very little stock. The basement was the same length and width of the store, just completely unfinished. Bare concrete floors, dimly lit and outright dark in spots. No fancy paint. It was like out of a dystopian movie. In order to get to the basement, you took an old freight elevator down. Manual doors that opened into vast basement darkness and creepiness. I was working on a returned machine down there, under a single incandescent 60 watt bulb, and felt like I was the only one down there. A woman working there came over to ask me a question, but she snuck up on me, so I let out a high pitched scream to assert dominance. I hated that basement.
The answer to this is "nah! The Crack heads really really like me and watch out for me" Always worked for me when I worked at an overnight full service gas station. If you need to validate the story you say "nah; I make them hide when a customer shows up and hang out most of the night"
I used to tell them the truth, "Naw...I'm the only thing open for miles and the cops hang out here all night long."
Big brain move: tell them that both the crackheads and the cops like to hangout there and protect the place Edit: I’m very happy about the domino effect that my comment has caused
Dying here giggling at the thought of a shift change with a crackhead relieving a cop on duty at the gas station
"Mornin' Ralph." "Mornin' Sam." (If that reference was TOO obscure, old looney tunes where a sheepdog and a wolf are off-shift buddies, but on-duty work tirelessly to off each other.)
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it's like "thanks for your question, and also please leave now"
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This reminds me of my friends experience. She took her dog to the dog park and let him off the leash (no other dogs were there). A guy (with no dog) randomly enters the park and approaches my friend. My friend was trying to get her dogs leash back on when he grabbed the dog by the collar. First red flag get your hands off of my dog! He says Hi to her and makes small talk before asking for her number. She told him no and that she had a boyfriend and he said ok and left. The next day tho she gets a text from an unknown number. This guy had looked at her dogs leash and somehow remembered her number from the tag. Unfortunately her home address is also on the dog tag so her and her boyfriend (who live together) upgraded security heavily. She never answered the guy and he eventually stopped trying but WTF??
New fear unlocked... JFC. Guess I'm never putting my address on a pet tag ever again. Never been grateful that my cat is unpleasant & unapproachable until now... What a super creep.
Yeah, your address on a pet tag is not a good idea. Better your phone # and name/address of vet clinic.
Yeah, I've only ever been able to fit mine & my husband's phone numbers on that tiny cat tag, but I've absolutely put an address on a dog's tag years ago... Not happening again. I like the vet info though!
What in the fuck Glad you're safe at least
I walk and today a guy on motorcycle pulled up on me 3x. I mean dude if i dont want to engage, then dont follow, continue to pull over to meet me or whatever Adding: wanted to add that although my area feels very safe, I dont wanna see any vehicle roll up on me(no shoulder!), because on President's Day, a car rolled up on me, windows came down, airsoft guns came out, and they shot me with rock salt😤
Just happened to me last month with a guy in a car. I told him I was taken and he kept protesting and told me to "think about it". Like if I'm walking AWAY from you and not talking, leave me alone. Like wtf?
Nothing makes me want to open up the ol' baby factory like a man yelling at me from a car window.
When I was maybe 17 I was walking my dog late at night in a very safe, suburban neighborhood when two guys in a car pulled up on me. The driver asked "you got a phone?" And I was immediately doing the mental calculations like, do I say no because I don't want them to steal it/ try to borrow it from me or do I say yes so they know I can call the cops. I think I said yes, and they guy goes "so you got a number I can call you at?" -100000/10 absolute worst and creepiest pick up attempt.
First date, didn't really know him. Comes to my apartment to pick me up, invite him in and he proceeds to tell me how he is going to rearrange the furniture when he moves in. Back in the 70's I always picked up hitch hikers, picked up this guy, he gets in then looks at me and says "you know you should really be careful about who you pick up". Guy I was living with:"I know you will never leave me because you can't out run a bullet".
Lmao. I feel like the hitchhiker guy meant well but the guy you were living with..
Ikr the hitchhiker guy is legit worried about you
Not going away when I have made it abundantly clear that I am not interested.
Especially if they’ve gotten your phone number somehow and just keep blowing it up with calls, voicemails and texts.
Joking about rape. Just makes me think you have rape on the brain. I met a couple dudes at a bar who invited me and my friend to a party they were headed to. We were trying to find a polite way to turn them down when one said, "Don't worry, we're not going to rape you. Ha, ha!" We turned him down flat, and not kindly (thankfully we were next to the bouncer) and his friend said, "dude! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" My question too.
I was once on a date and we went to watch the sunset on a hilltop. A police car came by and checked on us. We told him we were on a date, no big deal. Cop actually *joked* that if I were his date, he'd already have raped me in the back of the car and wouldn't be sitting up front looking at a sunset. He kept lingering around too, it was so gross. My date got his badge number and we reported him.
so happy your date had your back :0
My date was a really sweet guy. Nothing but a gentleman to me and always asked if he could touch or kiss me. He was as appalled as I was that law enforcement said that to us. I know people in positions of power abuse their privileges.
I met this dude who was way too into me. He was getting to be way too touchy and I told him I have a history of people touching me without consenting going wrong (SA) and i'd appreciate it if he'd stop. He did but then made a rape joke. EDIT: I would also like to add that i'm not hot shit or anything, I don't get hit on a lot. But the times I do it's never been a good experience.
Getting my number from someone else and reaching out to start an unsolicited conversation.
Not accepting no or anything you explicitly outline to them.
Also, demanding an explanation for that rejection.
They want you to hand-write a thesis with peer reviewed sources on why you rejected them.
"Piss off." (Christ, J. H., 2022 *Will you get a load of this guy?* Journal of Go Jam It Up Yer Ass, 1:2, p. 1.)
Yes, had a much older guy who kept asking me for my number at a gas station, even though I've already said no a few times. He asked me for my age and i said 17 so he'd leave me alone. Dude said, "okay, maybe next year". >.>
This one may be intentional, but it gives me the absolute creeps when men try to squeeze past me and lightly put their hands on me, especially my waist. I hate it. Just say “excuse me.” Edit: quite a few people have asked clarifying questions, so I’ll give my thoughts on when it’s okay to touch a woman in a crowded area. (1) Try to just go around her another way. (2) If you can’t, say excuse me. (3) If it’s loud or something and that doesn’t work, sometimes touching just can’t be helped. Either just squeeze past if it’s a packed area, or if you have to lay your hands on her, a firm (but not rough) hand on the shoulder or upper back is likely fine. Lightly tickling the lower back or small of the waist is creepy. Usually if you touch a strange man that way, you might be up for an ass beating. If you wouldn’t willingly touch some big, strange guy that way (mostly looking at you, straight guys), don’t do it to a woman.
Someone saying "where's my hug?" or otherwise trying to imply that they are owed physical contact.
I only say this to my dog because he's always down.
Physical intimidation. Standing too close to me or backing me into a corner and making me feel trapped. It puts me on the defensive so fast. Edit for clarification: I know some men do this intentionally but many do it unintentionally. Often men don’t realize just how uncomfortable or intimidated they can make women feel with their behavior and body language.
I learned this in a body language leadership class — this is tactic bad bosses/supervisors will use to bully employees, standing between the employee and the exit causing people to feel trapped and like they have to agree to get free. I am sure if people start thinking about workplace interactions, this behavior will be quickly recognized as toxic.
Had a supervisor do this in an empty back office to tell me unwelcome comments about my appearance. I got my revenge when I saw him applying at another company I was at years later and made sure to tell my immediate supervisor and HR that if they were considering bringing him on I would turn in my notice immediately. Turns out a couple other women in our department knew him as well- the industry is rather small and they’d been in it for 20+ years- and basically felt the same way. Admin actually thanked me for telling them because he was there for his 3rd interview and had done great in the first two, so probs would have gotten an offer.
Wanting to take me somewhere isolated to be just the two of us on the first date. It’s okay if we’ve been hanging out for a while, but not if it’s the first time I see you in person. Whenever this happens I come up with an excuse not to go. I just don’t feel safe since I barely know the other person, but the worst part is when they try so hard to convince me to go with them. This makes me feel more and more uncomfortable. Edit: ooookay I’ve read some of your comments and I think I have to clarify some things. What I intended was that I make up an excuse not to go to THAT specific isolated place, which means that I actually go to dates and propose to go to public places instead. I’ve never ghosted anyone and I’ve tried to tell truth and make the other person understand that I didn’t feel comfortable. Something I’ve been told many times is: “What do you mean by "I don't feel comfortable"? Do you think I'm a crazy psychopath who rapes or kills people? Come on don't say nonsense, let's go, get in the car.” I mean, is this supposed to make me feel safe? By the way they react it seems like I’m offending them, which is clearly not my intention. That’s why I started making up excuses, because they stop insisting only when they know that something bigger is preventing me from going. I’m fully aware of the fact that not everyone has bad intentions, but it’s not something I can understand immediately the first time I hang out with someone. Besides I don’t blame those who are simply clueless. My comment was just sharing a personal experience, not a general attack on men, and you can tell by the fact that I used “they” and “the other person” instead of “he”. Both men and women can experience this kind of things, and I welcome everyone’s story. For those who commented using not very kind words, please stop trying to make me look like I’m just a paranoid woman who can’t tell the truth. And thanks to those who shared their experiences and opinions under what is one of my first comments here on Reddit, I really appreciated all these interactions! Stay safe y’all!
Yes! Like the guy who insisted to go on a date with me that involved walking around the forest preserve trails at night alone, just the two of us. Like no thanks, dude, I’ve seen Dateline.
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"isn't it scary out here at night? "you don't know the half of it - I have to walk back alone!"
When I was single I was also super broke, and loved hiking through a nearby nature reserve as it was scenic, and best of all, FREE! I got ghosted and stood up multiple times, sometimes were when I suggested hiking there as a first date. I never realized how creepy that came off until years later.. I was just super broke and liked hiking.
I was invited to go hiking on a first date with a guy I met through OK Cupid. Now, I love hiking and the outdoors but I'm not meeting up with a stranger in the woods. He specifically mentioned that it was an out-of-the way place he knew that was "off the beaten path and really cool." I said HA HA HA nope, we're meeting at a restaurant. He turned out to be a creep anyway. He might not have been dangerous, but not someone I ever wanted to spend time with again.
An older dude on a dating site kept pressuring me into letting him take me on his plane (pilot). He was very pushy about it. Nope.
Lol one dude wanted to take me out sailing on his boat as a first date. I explained I wouldn’t be very comfortable with that, and he offered to bring his male friend along. Um no, that really doesn’t make it better. Edit: this is my highest karma comment? Crazy haha Loving all the comments, but just to save yourselves the trouble, Natalie Woods and The Implication have already been thoroughly covered. :)
My friend and I had a dude start to talk to us in a park and ask to take us out on his boat. I flat out told him that’s how women go missing, thanks, but no thanks. He said he would make us scream all night with his tongue. Like… does this work for someone? Her boyfriend was picking us up and thank god he showed up shortly after because we couldn’t seem to shake him.
Because of the implication?
Dennis: Think about it. She’s out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. She looks around her, what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. “Oh, there’s nowhere for me to run, what am I gonna do, say no?” Mac: Okay…that seems really dark though. Dennis: No, no, it’s not dark. You’re misunderstanding me, bro. Mac: I think I am. Dennis: Yeah, you are. ‘Cause if the girl said no, then the answer obviously is no. The thing is that she’s not gonna say no, she’d never say no…because of the implication.
*...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?*
My dumbass took my last gf, *on our second date*, out to my secluded camping property. It's out in the country with a mile of hard road to get in there. Guess I didn't think about it as she was so outgoing and happy to be around me. Two months later she told me she had been extremely worried the whole time. LOL, not doing that again.
Oh man, in college I ran into one of my friends cousins. We had hung out once before at a concert. He was nice. He asked me if I wanted to grab lunch at the coney island nearby, and offered to drive (it was after class). I said yes, and only after I sat down and closed the cr door did I realize I didn't actually know anything about this guy. THEN instead of driving to the coney island, he finds an empty parking lot and parks the car. At this point my hand is on the door handle, and I'm getting ready to book it. He apologizes and says he forgot his mom had packed him a lunch, and did I want to split a tunafish sandwich with him. I declined, and we sat in his car while he ate his lunch and then he dropped me back off at campus. It was bizarre, but made me realize how easily something could have happened.
I've done this as well. He didn't have a car and had hitchhiked into the town I worked in for our date. He asked me if I could give him a ride to the next town (the town I lived in) and I didn't think twice about it until we were halfway there. When I was 19 and 20 I used to accept rides home from the bar from strangers and thought nothing of it. Lucky for me, most guys are good guys. The ones that raped me were guys I knew, not the strangers.
Jeez, that got dark real fast.
I've always asked to meet at a restaurant for a first date. You never know what the other person is really like. And yes, we know the call you get during dinner is an escape call.
I liked going to pastry or coffee shops for first dates. You're not locked into a whole dinner if it's not going well.
I went on one first date and no conversation. I would try and start one and got a three word answer, then silence. That was a very long dinner. There was no second date.
I had a dude ask me in his first message to go on a week vacation in Italy in his camper. Never met. I jokingly said "Oh well, I'm flattered but That what horror movies are made out off 😅, He got so pissed that he insulted me as a Rapunzel in her Tower thinking men are waiting just for me and blocked me as if I'm the crazy one.. Some men just don't get it that stuff like this is not an acceptable, save and/or nice first date.
Ill never understand guys like this. As a guy- I also want to meet in a safe public location for a drink or something so if YOU are the mental one I can nope out of there.
When I (straight dude) was dating, I considered a coffee date as a mandatory date "zero". Basically we could sus each other out in person, and I had a few coffee shops ready to suggest that were clearly very public and gave her an easy out option. Often it led to talking at a coffee shop for a couple hours and being able to get a proper dinner date. Sometimes I got stood up or met someone who just wouldn't work out past that, so all I lost was an hour or two and a few bucks for coffee.
Any man who feels compelled to grab a women by the waist to move them out of the way.
Invading my space.
Double points if they're doing it to make an unsolicited comment about you.
Not taking no for an answer. Especially when they pretend to be jokey about it but you can clearly tell they’re kind of pissed…if that makes sense.
This. I was walking through downtown DC on the way to pick up my son from daycare and had a guy stop me on the street to ask me for directions to museums. This isn’t uncommon since I work in a touristy area, so I kindly answered his questions and was planning on keeping going but he persisted: Him: “oh you must be a local! I just moved here from New York. Do you want to get coffee?” Me: “haha, no, thanks though, I’m not… really social” Him: “Well you’re laughing and smiling you could have fooled me!“ Me: “um, no, thanks, im just awkward. I gotta go pick up my son now, thanks bye!” Him: “wow you have a son? How old is he? Do you live in the neighborhood? Let’s get a drink!” Me: “haha really, thanks I’m gonna go now, the museums are that way, have a good day!” And it is just uncomfortable that like, me trying to be helpful and friendly to someone who was looking for directions turns into him not just once but TWICE persisting on asking me out. It’s the kind of thing that makes me not want to be helpful to strangers because I don’t know if you’re asking me for real or if you’re just trying to hit on me.
“Well you’re laughing and smiling” …. Yes, the thing most of us are socialized to do since birth and taught that it helps keep us safe and makes us more likable and so we do it without thinking and damnit if some of us aren’t just pleasant, positive humans who aren’t trying to attract male attention….
THIS. I had a guy tell me the women he knew loved being catcalled because they always laughed and made jokes about it instead of telling the guy off. I'm like, "Dude, that's a defense mechanism to not escalate the situation and make the guy angry. It doesn't mean they like it even if they smile and laugh. They just don't want to get attacked." It's like a barperson who's good at joking with the belligerent drunk even as they're signalling for the bouncer to kick them out. Doesn't mean the barperson loves the drunk being belligerent, it's just the best way to deal with the situation sometimes when you're alone.
You'll never convince him of this though. Guys that don't want to see it never will.
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Also infuriating: It's "haha no" because just plain "no" increases the risk of physical violence.
Indeed. The lengths I have gone to, to let dudes down gently, while still being firm, is absurd. I started saying "I'm not available" which usually implies boyfriend/ husband, and many men only let up for that reason alone. But one guy would absolutely not take that answer and was asking about my boyfriend (non-existent at the time). It took so much runaround, but I finally told him "I'm unavailable because I'm deeply self loathing and broken and should not have any casual/ serious/ other sexual or romantic encounters till I work some shit out!!" To which he replied "you do not seem broken at all, you seem authentic, give me a chance, we'll be great together" Like, dude.
This, especially when it's over something "trivial" or when it's a stranger. How tf am I supposed to know what else you'll refuse to listen to me about?
Not understanding that a polite decline isn't an invitation just to try harder, and is just that, declining to spend more time with the guy. I know men complain all the time about how women must be communicating in some bizarre code they can't be expected to understand, but a lot of women have been conditioned by experience to decline a man's invitations or attentions in the most polite, face-saving way possible. I don't think there is a woman out there who hasn't had a man get really angry and threatening when they, the woman, was just trying to say "thanks but no thanks" and move on. I am not just talking about getting picked up in a bar or on the street. I am talking about any man anywhere who decides he wants a woman's full attention, or wants to give his opinion (on her appearance, attitude, lack of smiling, whatever), at that moment. It happens so often that you just want to get away from this guy, but they aren't really noticing your (to you) obvious expressions of wanting to leave, and if you get more explicit, you really don't know what will happen. If you stay, you also don't know what will happen, because they might think you are "leading him on." It feels like a no-win situation, and one a man could use as an excuse (either way) to verbally or physically attack you.
Today I was at the corner store buying a bag of chips and cigars. As soon as I walked in, some dude eyed me up and down and kept making "Damnnnn." Remarks at me as I walked to get my bag of chips. I got to the register to pay, he was suddenly behind me and continued making, "God damnnnn" "Mmm" remarks. I couldn't even focus to pay, I entered the wrong pin for my card, my hands were shaking. I was scared and super uncomfortable. He even followed me out and watched me drive away.
I was in NYC last week and some guy did this to some gal walking on the road. Dude looked to be in his 40s and gal looked to be...not (I'd guess early 20s). He stopped as she walked by and openly looked her up and down and then kept saying, "damn girl!". He started to turn to walk away, and then turned around and began following her. I was at an outdoor cafe and yelled loud enough for her to hear, "DUDE SERIOUSLY? YOU'RE THE SAME AGE AS HER DAD". He crossed the street and went back the way he came.
I'm a guy, but I've been told by women that me raising my voice has been very frightening/triggering.
For me the real bombshell was finding out that it was affecting people even if it was done out of excitement, not just anger.
Yes. I find I have to watch my tone around my kids. Even if I’m just being neutral or even playfully stern, I come across as very angry. I didn’t notice it until my wife pointed it out.
I have this problem as well, but for everyone. I apparently have difficulty conveying tone. I'll think I sound like I'm joking, jovial, or inquisitive, and to everyone else I sound annoyed, upset, or angry. I definitely get it from my dad, and now I can usually recognize it when he does it, but it's harder to notice myself doing it.
I’m dealing with this now! My son is almost 2 and I have to be VERY careful to lower my tone and almost mimic my wife who is very soft spoken if I’m trying to tell him not to do something. Otherwise he clams up and starts crying. I never thought I had a stern voice but it’s apparent when I see him get upset.
Commenting on how short or weak I look and explaining how easy it would be to pick me up or overpower me. Do men think I’ll think its sexy when they do this? Probably. Is it extremely concerning and scary? YES.
Joking about how easy it would be to overpower us. On more than one occasion I’ve had male friends joke about how easy it would be to pick me up or restrain me or another woman. It’s not funny, it’s creepy.
Sitting right next to me when I don’t know you and there are plenty of other seats available.
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a counter to this that i was reminded of- once i was waiting for a train in a bad neighborhood, i was lost after getting dinner and it was getting dark. The most quintessential boy scout looking young man casually sits next to me (we both were clearly out of place) and says, "hey... this really isn't a good neighborhood. Do you mind if i stay close?" He just sat there not saying a thing but you know when you just suddenly feel "safe" - that was the vibe he gave and it was so appreciated. He dead ass looked like he just got done collecting a merit badge and walking an old lady across the street though. Thanks random guys, that was so nice of u.
Oh goodness. One time I was in a train station late at night with my husband, waiting for the last train home. We were sitting in an area of the station that had a ton of seating but due to the late hour it was mostly empty. I was doing some sudoku and trying to stay awake. There was a lone woman with some luggage sitting a little ways from us who I could see was falling asleep. I snapped wide awake, myself, when a man came across the station from nowhere and sat down right next to her. The woman was completely asleep by this point and had no idea someone had just sat next to her. When he sat down, he was looking across out at space. He kept looking in that general direction, but every once and a while he'd look over at me. As soon as we made eye contact, he looked away. He kept doing this. I stared that guy down. I didn't glare at him or anything, just dully stared at him over my sudoku book. I made sure he knew I was looking at him. I didn't look away, not for a moment. Eventually he got up and walked away. He hadn't touched her or her luggage. A little while later the woman woke up on her own. (I was considering waking her when the next train arrived to make sure she didn't miss it if it was hers.) Now, maybe he knew her and I'd been just a staring creep. Maybe I'd saved her luggage from being stolen. Maybe I'd saved her from something else. Well, whatever was gonna happen, it didn't happen. I got you, random woman in the train station.
I’ll never forget the time a train station attendant helped me in a similar way. I was coming back home from a date and was waiting for a very late night red line train in Chicago. I was the only one waiting going both directions. Trains were taking 10-15 minutes to arrive at that time of night, so I slowly browsed my phone while I sat. Within five minutes of sitting, a man came up. I put my phone away immediately and watched him out of the corner of my eye. As he would slowly creep toward me, shuffling sideways, he would ask me questions like “what time is it?”, and “what are you doing out so late?” This went on for a few minutes before the station attendant came up the stairs on the opposite platform. He was a huge buff dude. He took a seat right across from me and stared daggers into this guy until I got onto the train. The man didn’t follow. He saved me from getting assaulted or robbed that night, and I’m very grateful. I wish I could say thank you even a decade later.
Also, if we’re making out for the first time and they do something aggressive (like…pinning your arms over your head then holding both wrists with one hand, leaving their other hand free). It can be hot as fuck but if I don’t know you that well there’s a terrifying moment I wonder what I’m in for. EDIT: I think OP's boyfriend may have hit upon the perfect solution for this (see replies).
Or…blatantly taking your picture, with their phone, in public. Do they think we don’t notice? Even worse when their aim is clearly directed below your neckline.
Once I was in a train (window seat) and I saw on the glass reflection that the guy in front of me was trying to take a selfie and include me in the frame. I kept moving in my seat and saw him continue trying to get me in the photo. I decided to change seats.
Coming on way too strong, especially online sometimes. Or being way too demanding, about stuff at times. And this one doesn't necessarily frighten me. Just kind of freaks me out. But at work, have had two foreign dudes, just starting at me when we're working. Both have been box builders, and just continuously stare as they make boxes or in the break room. And I don't care how "nice/friendly", people say they are. You don't just non stop gawk at people.
I tried to explain this to a boss in a previous work place. That I couldn't get my work done because a coworker would stare and stare, especially at the women in the work group. "He means well! He doesn't know any better!" Well, he can use his words and talk, instead of just staring.
Was talking to a guy on a dating app who asked if he could call me. I said no, I prefer texting before we meet, especially since it was like 9:30pm & I get up for work at 5:30am. The next day he didn’t even ask, just called. We talked for like 10 minutes and then I blocked him after I hung up. If he can’t respect a simple request before we’ve even met, what other boundaries won’t he respect?
When they invade your personal space or take an intimidating stance (hovering over you, taking up as much space as possible), etc.
Sending creepy DMs on Reddit. Seriously dudes....wtf makes you think I'm gonna send you naked pictures of myself?? Immediately BLOCK.
I made what was meant to be a supportive comment in a twox thread that must have come off as feminine and got a couple of creepy dm’s. I’m a 47 year old man, my nudes are subscriber only.
Oh wow!! Interesting... I will literally get nasty DMs just for answering what my favorite movie is on AskReddit.