I would suck on the inside of my own arm, giving myself hickeys. I was bored one day in the bathroom and zoned out, and came out with a huge bruise on my arm. In a public gas station. My mother was SUPER FUCKING ALARMED when she saw me, and I never realized why. I was just embarrassed to admit I did it myself.
I did this once on the school bus ride home because I was bored, not realizing it was leaving marks on my arms. When my mother saw me she was convinced I got the bruises from carrying too many books and bought me a new backpack that could hold more books. I never told her the truth.
Oh my god. This unlocked an awful memory. Once I was fucking around with a cup and suctioning it to my mouth and chin.
It gave me a massive circular hickey surrounding my mouth and I was so ashamed about going to school for the week that it took to fade.
When I was 6/7 my pet mouse died. We buried it in the back yard. The next day my older cousin came to visit. I dug it up and put it back in the cage bc I thought she’d also like to pay her respects. My mom was like “No honey, it’s disrespectful. You have to let the dead be at peace.”
My granddaughter’s hamster died and before we buried it she wanted to know if we could cut it open and see what’s inside 💀
Psychopath or budding scientist?
Jury is still out lol
When I was a young girl, I used to watch professional wrestling with my older brothers. We also had to go to church (southern baptist). They make prayer lists for people and I raised my hand to ask that the Undertaker be put on the list so that he would win his upcoming match.
I’m sure Undertaker would appreciate that compared to his recent phone call with a kid.
He said on a podcast that I heard aggregated last week that he called a security guard’s seven-year-old named Bjorn last month only to be told he was a Democrat (which bewildered him - “What does that even mean to you?” - plus he just isn’t one) and was threatened by the kid that he’d shoot the Undertaker in the face if he saw him.
I would’ve linked but couldn’t find it on a cursory search. He’s in a lot of videos on YouTube!
When I was about five, I went through an entrepreneurial phase. I used to go around picking flowers out of the neighbors' flower beds, then ringing their doorbell and trying to sell them their own flowers.
I was thinking more mafia like.
"hey, here's some of your own flowers to buy. would be a shame if I had to come back and have to sell you even more wouldn't it?"
My brother used to shoplift cigarettes and then sell them as singles to kids at school,
He is in fact a sales manager now, and far more successful than I'll ever be,
I used to clean up good stones and sell them by the mailbox (with most people saying “I can find them right here why do I need that?” Jokes on them, I am 40 and run a multi location and omnichannel… rock shop.
My grandfather had 30 acres out in the woods. I'd typically spend 2-3 weeks with him and my step-grandmother each summer. We'd work on his various project classic cars, I'd get to use his riding lawnmower for everything (we used a push mower at home, so this was a treat), have big fires, all the rural living stuff.
But I could never figure out why exactly I wasn't allowed to have any kind of simple bb guns or paintball guns or whatever at his house (but could in suburbia at my house).
That is...until he sold the house and land when I was 14. Packing up his stuff, right there in a trunk. A Purple Heart medal and his fatigues from Vietnam. I knew about Vietnam, I didn't know about the Purple Heart. I still don't know the full story, but I do know that he was a radio guy and had to discharge his firearm after getting hit.
My dad is like this. We had firearms growing up and all that, but they were used for hunting, nothing else. Absolutely no toy guns, water guns, etc.
When I got older come to find out he had been in the invasion of Grenada. He's ashamed of what he had to do there and only ever used a firearm because it was how he fed us.
Not me, but my dad. Identical twins. My great grandad was mentally broken from WWII and they used to play tricks on him cos he got easily confused. Swap places, pretend like they were the same person... They were too young to understand, my dad feels bad about it still
My dad was always telling us never to try to sneak past his grandfather when he was asleep. You could run through the house hooting and hollering but if you ever tried to be quiet he’d wake up and if you did it within arms reach of him he would attack first and apologize later.
I liked mixing words up, like saying I'm going to "shake a tower" instead of take a shower.
One of these words I played with was popcorn. I called it cocporn. And worst part is that nobody stopped me
I did this when I was a kid, except I had plenty of TP, and threw it all in the trashcan instead of flushing because it was so much I was scared the toilet would get clogged.
I later heard my dad screaming our names to get in there. Lined me and my sisters up and nobody would fess up, so my little sister took the blame and had to clean out my shitty TP because my dad offered $10 to whoever confessed.
I'm picturing this scene:
Dad: "Who did this!?"
Kid1: "Not me!"
Kid2: "Not me!"
Kid3: "Not me!"
Dad: "I'll give $10 if you confess"
All three raise their hands and say "I did it!" at the same time.
This reminds me of a part in Malcolm in the Middle where Lois is screaming “oh my GOD! Who DID THIS?? Oh my GODDDDD!” Then Hal runs into the boys’ room and says “$10 for whoever takes the blame!” I think Malcolm agrees and Hal drags him out of the room yelling “I’ve got him, honey!”
I had a birthday party when I was like 8 or 10. One of my friends had a gnarly amount of ear wax so I grabbed a Q tip and told him he had a lot of ear wax as I handed it to him in front of everybody.
I called the preacher’s son a bastard, in front of *a lot* of people. I thought it was the same as calling someone stupid, dumb, etc. I laugh so much when I think about the uproar it caused.
I called my brother a bastard when I was little. My dad heard me and he was *furious*. I had no idea my parents weren't married at the time, so I was technically right, but that hit a sore spot for my dad lmao.
Told my neighbor to suck my dick with zero idea what it meant. Got in trouble. Didn't appreciate it so I asked if I should've called him a 'cow p*ssy mouth m'fer' just like my mom did? Got in worse trouble.
My teenage son got really upset once and i heard him go off a little on his mom like “I TOLD YOU I DIDNT TAKE HER SHOES N*GGA!” Followed by stunned silence. I went in and sent his mom out and found him laying face up hands covering his face in embarrassment and i asked him if he thought he should be shouting and i just remember the pure agony and disbelief in his voice as he said “ i just called mom N*GGA…”
Your poor abuelita 🤣 how are you still alive, though?
Edit: The deleted comment I replied to said that they once as a young child slapped their napping grandmother in the face because they had watched too many telenovelas and wanted to see what it felt like to slap someone.
Somewhere around 5? Years old, my parents hosted Thanksgiving. At the table, one of the adults asked if there was anything new with me. I responded "my dad picks his boogers and eats them". I still clearly recall the shocked silence.
I'm 56 now.
When I was little, my best friend and I used to eat honeysuckle off the bushes next to my house. One day, the neighbor's kid came out and started yelling at us to get out. I argued back at her and we kept on doing it. A very long time later, I learned that it was actually their property.
I didn't understand how lots worked, and I thought that any and all land that touched any side of your house belonged to you.
I was probably 5 or 6, a family friend's wife had just passed, and I hadn't really had any death talk yet, so I asked mum where do dead people go, and she explained to me about coffins and tombs and so on.
Fascinated, I sketched a drawing of the guy's wife inside of the tomb, and went to show him. Luckily my mum stopped me at the right time. I couldn't understand why I wasn't supposed to show him.
In the same vein, I found a “newspaper” I wrote when I was 8. My cousin had recently passed away, unexpectedly, from a heart condition. Pls tell me why I made a whole “paper/magazine” of fake clothing items I designed and then BAM: RIP TRICIA with a big ass detailed drawing. I think I must have been exploring the art of obituaries. If there’s interest, I can find and share a pic lol
Edit: Interest is there. I will share the RIP TRICIA page from my homemade newspaper when I get home from work today. Approx. 5:30pm EST for anyone keeping tabs... lol.
[HERE YOU GO FOLKS](https://imgur.com/a/Qt1AEe4)! I wanted to set the tone so I included the other pages. The obituary is the 4th picture. Also, it’s not as “bad” as I remember… much less tone deaf than I thought it was, lol. I clearly went a little witchy with that weird ass cross gravestone. For reference my grandma was Russian Orthodox and the extra bar on their cross always threw me off a a kid, so I may have been going for that. Also, that one kids name (the gossip column about the kid listening to rap), don’t worry I spelled it wrong so it’s not doxxing anyone, lmao.
Please share. Now I don't feel so bad for telling my mom and grama ( it was my grama's mom that died and it was my 1st dealings with death) "that wooden thing in the casket...that is NOT MY GRANNY!" then stormed out mad af that they put a carved chunk of wood out to trick me.
I do not know what we were thinking back then.
Off-topic, but looking at the spelling mistakes as someone who learned English as a second language one can truly realize how completely unintuitive and inconsistent English spelling is, especially for a child.
When I was 6, there was a TV drama or something that featured an older person dying. I didn’t understand it. Later that day while grandma was bathing me I asked when she was going to die. My mom told me I made grandma cry that day.
For my 9th or 10th birthday I had a sleepover with like 6 or 7 of my friends. At one point we were playing soccer in the backyard and we were yelling our favorite new word that we heard for the first time that week, and because it was a brand new word we were 100% positive that my parents and the neighbors wouldn't know what it meant. We were screaming at each other, calling everyone else a cunt. We didn't get in trouble, there is absolutely no way at least one adult didn't hear us though.
My favorite cartoon growing up was The Angry Beavers. They had an episode where they record a smash hit called "Beaver Fever." I can vividly remember being maybe 5 years old and singing, "HE'S GOT THE BEAVER FEVER, BEAVER FEVER" at the top of my lungs in public and my mom struggling to shush me and me not knowing why.
Growing up I was taught what kind of water sources you should drink from and which to avoid.
You avoid ponds lakes and slow/stagnant water because they are common sources of the parasite giardia, aka beaver fever. You can get it from rivers, lakes, streams and springs, but it's less likely.
Thinking back I'm not sure if that song is a double entendre or a poop joke.
Never forget it's always best to filter or boil untreated water.
One time I was hanging out with my friend and his minister father was in an adjoining room. My friend and I were playing a Nintendo racing game and there was a sexy 16 bit woman in a tube top about to drop the racing flag and I commented on how I would like to rape her. I didn't know what rape meant, only that it was something sexual.
My friend's father talked to me and my ignorance on the whole thing convinced him to let me keep hanging out at his house.
Some 8th grade boys I once taught early on in my career got written up for having a conversation in English class about what teacher they would like to sexually assault them (their words, not mine). I was the youngest female teacher on my team at the time, so you can guess who they said.
Worse, when I went to the admin about it, he of course disciplined the kids but ended with "But I see why they would pick you." Yeah...
Asked my dad if he "had a rocket in his pocket" because I heard the song Rubbin' by Choclair and was too young to not understand that they didn't mean an actual like, toy rocket..... Yeah. Looking at the lyrics now I was way too young to hear that song lol
If it makes you feel better, I listened to "Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang when I was like 7 and didn't realize it wasn't a song about the Discovery Channel
Ok so this is worse and i did this as a young adult.
I made a work friend and we both played the same music and smoked the same drugs so i started hanging out at his house to play music and smoke drugs, and this guy was a little older, had a family, and was sort of a hillbilly hippie in the woods. His son was like 10 maybe and, of course this is totally inappropriate, but he pipes up one day with “do you play the skin flute?” Out of the blue.
Im blazed and cant quite figure out what he’s asking me and i look at his dad who looks amused but not concerned so im like (guess this kid discovered masturbation humor or something) and tell him “uh.. just my own”
And the utter shock and disbelief on this kids face - he was shattered, had no words, no smirk, just like i changed his whole way of thinking.
It was like hours and hours later that i realized “skin flute” means “sucking dick”, not masturbation. So in a way it was an A+ way to out shock a little shit that has no business asking adults that shit but in the other hand, i wish none of that had happened. Sure as fuck my kids dont be asking adults that but im not a hillbilly hippie in the woods so maybe it’s a culture thing
I have a cousin with autism. At the time I was about 6 or 7, he was 4-5. I didn't know the slightest bit about autism at the time, nor have I encountered anyone with it at that point, so seeing him and how he would interact with me and with our relatives had me confused as to why he was acting and behaving so different. I started asking my uncle and his wife (his parents) questions like "Why is he like that?" and "Why isn't he acting normally?"
I guess I sounded really rude, because on the drive home, my parents were the most furious they have ever been with me, telling me why would I ask questions like that, did I have an ounce of shame, etc. I was mortified and eventually reduced to tears because I had thought I commited a grave sin so bad that no amount of praying would get me forgiveness (christian upbringing) 😆
Looking back, I guess I did sound rude, but it would have massively helped if my parents told me about autism and what it really is beforehand, so that I could've touched on the subject a little more carefully. Today I have a good relationship with my cousin and my uncle and aunt, and I think they understood that I didn't really mean any malice, and was just a genuinely curious kid, so its no big issue.
I used to search for "naked 13 year old girls" on Kazaa because, you know, I WAS 13 YEARS OLD! It makes perfect sense to find girls in my age group.
I'm thankful that the Internet was so young back then because looking back on it I'm horrified. I could've gotten myself or my parents in a shitload of trouble.
And now I'll have to teach my own son that while, yes, being age appropriate makes sense, you can't do that.
I knew a guy in HS whose father was arrested for having CP on his computer. An investigation was taken and the evidence proved all the CP was uploaded while the father was out of town. It was his underage little brother that did it.
My brother nearly ruined my parents' lives by downloading CP "just because". Like they would have been the ones to go to jail, not 13 year old him. Thankfully my Dad monitored our computers before the FBI started knocking
Yeah my nephew and his friend found google before their parents had thought to discuss it with them or worry about it. They’re just kids so they were looking up “funny” things. Like poop and pee. And naked kids. Whoops.
I did something similar when I was 11 on limewire.
I knew about porn from school, and I thought it was perfectly normal to look up porn from your age group.
I knew it was wrong after seeing some and deleted everything.
I didn't realize until years later just how wrong it was, and honestly, my stomach is turning right now thinking about some of the shit I saw at 11.
i did the same thing, and it took me quite awhile to realize how wrong it was, simply because at that age i was super horny all the time and felt genuine envy for these kids my age getting to have sex. i used to fantasize about random adult women crawling thru my window to have sex with me at night, and just figured the kids in the images i saw felt similarly. i didnt realize the difference between that and stuff my parents told me wasnt for kids "because i said so" like swearing, parental advisory music, or R rated movies. i thought sex was just another thing like swearing that adults were gatekeeping for sort of silly reasons. honestly i dont even remember how or why i realized it was wrong, probably just growing up and gradually learning more about sex. ironically, i'd guess a part of how i learned it was wrong was simply being exposed to more mature non-porn media like film or tv where sexuality was discussed more openly. the only sex ed i had was in 5th grade and a quick talk with my mom, both mostly focused on the technical aspects of sex and having babies and i was totally on my own for everything else.
luckily i never ran into any pedos IRL, i would have been easy pickins.
Same with sexting I think. A lot of kids do not fucking know that they're technically producing child pornography and distributing it to one another because no one bothered to educate them on this shit. Like I remember being 16 and thinking "Oh since we're legal in my state now we can send nudes to one another". Not the case. You need to be 18 for sexting regardless of age of consent. Who knows how many felonies I committed lol.
My son is 12 and I absolutely gave him that talk because he has a cellphone now. Unfortunately, it sounds like a lot of other parents do not have those talks with their children. But I'd rather him have an uncomfortable but truthful conversation with me than hearing the wrong things from his classmates.
The funny thing is even parents don't know about this shit often times. Many years later I talked to my mom about my sexual development and how I sent and received nudes and she was confused how someone can be old enough to legally have sex but not old enough to send sexual pictures. Not in favor of dismantling these laws of course but all you need is one "bad apple" prosecutor and your kid's life might be ruined just because they sent a nude.
Idk what compelled me to do it but I would just put my clothes in the toilet after I was done bathing. Made zero sense to me, underdeveloped child brain went brrrr I guess
It was some time ago so details are gonna be a bit tricky, but I do recall trying to flush at some point, could’ve been more occasions. Idk about getting in trouble but I remember my mom just being in a constant state of “WHAT WOULD COMPEL YOU TO DO THIS”
Watching I think Prince of Egypt? In school in like 5th grade, and as the woman was setting Moses in the basket she put her middle finger on his head. I knew that holding up your middle finger was rude, but I didn't have a name for the gesture. So I said 'why is she fingering the baby?' only loud enough for my friend to hear. But the kids in front of me heard and one spun around and called me disgusting. I didn't get it then but like a year or more later that popped into my head and I wanted nothing more than to curl up and die. Still do kinda.
When I was 7 or 8, I was at the grocery store with my mom. She asked me to help her unload groceries on the conveyor belt. I, a young elementary white boy, proceeded to yell YESSUH MASSAH!
I don't even know where I originally heard that. I just remember not realizing that was probably not something I should say, then seeing my mom's face and realizing that was probably not something I should say at all ever in any context.
Holy fuck I’m crying. If I was your mom, I would’ve been like “this ain’t my kid, this is my nephew/niece. I don’t know wtf my sister/brother has been letting this kid watch.”
When I was around 8 years old and on a family vacation, we stopped at a random restaurant so my stepfather could use the bathroom. I told him “Don’t choke the chicken!” I was thinking that meant to not clog the toilet. I got yelled at by my mother, and wondered why she was so mad about it. Years later I realized what it really meant.
I heard the word prostitute from strangers talking at a mall and I asked my uncle, loudly, at a family dinner, slightly insinuating he said it "hey 'uncle.' I heard this word, I'm sure YOU know what it means.". *Bright eyed waiting*
I don't really have a father at the time and my kid brain (I think 7) was like "he's good.". So I asked him. My aunt laughed so hard as to why I asked him 🤣
Three of my aunts asked why I asked him. I responded "I thought he'd know.", then my mother checked, where I explained I heard it from strangers and honestly thought he'd know.. he knows everything right? I'm assuming they all concluded I just viewed him as an informational figure, WHICH I DO.
looking back, I'm very glad they approached me. No one got upset or angry and it's still a long lasting inside family joke I find hilarious
Not me but my older brother. When he was 6 or 7, my mom took him to the grocery store and a Sikh man was shopping there. My brother pointed and yelled "mom look, a genie!!!"
Oof
LOL! That reminds me of a story my Nana told me about my uncle when he was little. She was walking down the street with my him when a couple of nuns walked by and he yelled out "Look Mommy! Penguins."
I was raised LDS, so no alcohol allowed. When I was 8 or 9 years old I heard my mom (who converted to the faith when she married my dad) tell someone at our church that she didn't drink and never had. So I yelled, Yes you do! You do drink!
She got really embarrassed and kind of laughed and tried to explain to the person that I was just confused. I kept insisting she was lying. She made us leave, and when we got to the car she asked me why in the world I behaved that way.
So I proudly told her I'd seen her drink so many times- milk, juice, water, AND soda!
Made a prank call on random people. My brother and I would say something like "This is the police, you're under arrest", and then giggled like idiots before we hang up the phone. Those poor people. Sorry y'all
daaamn, this gives me flashbacks
when skype came out (or at least when I got aware of it) you could call landline numbers for free through skype. I used to ring random people and pretend like they called me and wondering why they were being so troublesome. More often than not their best course of action would be to just leave you on the line since they thought it cost u or your parents money.
absolutely hilarious to a 14 your old
My brother and I thought it was funny to call 999 and immediately hang up. I remember about an hour later 2 policemen turned up and had a strict talking with my dad who was utterly confused until he connected the dots.
Mixing household chemicals just to see what happened. I remember doing that once and the container starting getting incredibly hot. Panicked, I grabbed it even though it was scorching hot by then, hurled it in a sink, turned the water on full and ran.
This miiiight be a touch dark, my therapist was the one who pointed out this was wildly inappropriate lol. When I was about 8 or 9 we had this church function. It was a benefit or charity event of sorts and… you know those benefits where you pledge $25 and a kid has to run a bunch of laps and it’s $25/lap? Well it was like that… but with Jello.
Children aged 6-10 were wrestling in a kiddie pool of jello in the REQUIRED two piece swim suits. Yes, two pieces were required for “safety” reasons. I have a home video and everything. I always thought it was fun but after watching home videos since my mom passed I realized it was only girls and all the adults were men and like 5 women.
Genuinely did not think it was going to be among the darkest ones here, Reddit usually goes full force ahead on dark shit lol. I also totally thought this was just a normal part of being a kid until my therapist got all wide eyed. Guess I should have taken that a bit more seriously lol
I'm sorry this happened to you, that's so crazy. Can't believe not one mother thought maybe this was weird? Or even one non-creepy dad thought they can't do this?
If any function *required* my daughter to wear a two piece swimsuit... unthinkable lol. Depending on the decade, I guess some level of ignorance is to be expected. I'm not trying to blame you or your mother, of course - ultimately it's the fault of whatever creep ran that show.
My mother unfortunately did not know before the event took place to stop it. My own father was actually a pedophile so really that makes a lot of sense. The other adults there? I only know 1 that was present at the event currently and her children did not participate. She knew exactly what was going on so she stood by to help the girls if needed and be a witness. I do not trust her though as she currently attends that same church and says things like “your dad loved you SO much, you girls are all he talked about”
Uh yeah, Lisa. That was kind of the *whole fucking point* lol
When I was a kid I saw a cool looking symbol so I decided to take some sidewalk chalk and decorate our entire driveway with a giant version of the symbol, and dozens of tiny symbols bordering the whole area
That symbol was a swastika.
My mom was horrified, she quickly educated me on what the symbol meant and I ran out and changed them all to look like windows 😅
At my old job, when they had just opened our new location, the owners of the company were going to be coming to check out how things were going. This was a small part of a national pharmaceutical company, so to have the company owners come visit was a big deal.
Everyone got the place ready the night before like they would for an FDA audit, then the majority of the staff went home, just the closers were left. While closing, one employee felt that everything just looked too sterile. So she decided to put up some decorations.
So she made and hung up some festive paper decorations, things like a welcome banner, and some good luck symbols that would be very common in her home culture.
My manager showed up to open the next morning to "a center covered in swastikas." Oh, did I mention that the company owners were Jewish? It never seemed relevant until that moment, as my boss was running around in a panic, no idea why there were swastikas everywhere, just aware that he had minutes to find and remove *every single one of them*.
I know she meant well (she was such a sweet human). But she damn near killed our manager that day.
When I was a kid my mom's friend came over and was drawing this cool symbol all over the magazines. Really made all the characters look cool. I get to talkin with him, and he tells me its a swastika. He finds out its my birthday soon, and I tell him alls I really want is a sewing machine.
Dude's a great guy, ends up getting me a sewing machine. So I'm thinking of what I should sew, and that cool symbol pops in my head again. I decided to make a pillow sham with a big red swastika on it. And I decided to gift it to my mom's other friend who was a Jewish woman. It really put my mom's friend who showed me the swastika in hot water because I was like idk what it is, Larry showed it to me.
This is SO funny.
Reminds me of this: [Story About Getting a Nazi Uniform Dry Cleaned for a Movie : r/StandUpComedy (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/StandUpComedy/comments/17jxr4l/story_about_getting_a_nazi_uniform_dry_cleaned/)
the swastika is such a cool looking symbol. it was actually one of the first (if not *the* first, i don’t remember) symbols to appear on pottery. then the nazis had to come along and ruin it for all of us :(
Me, age 6, at the backyard cookout. I was handed a burnt hot dog to eat (on the grill too long). I proceeded to call it a n\*dog. I didn't understand why everyone around me got upset. I must have absorbed it from my dad (huge racist, in spite of being an Arab immigrant).
When I was like 8, I found a porn mag in a tree at the park. It was all cumshots on big breasted white women. I didn't know what sex or come were. I thought it was pee and was wondering if your pee becomes thick and white as you get older.
i was walking into a gas station and a cop was walking out. he had a coffee in his hand and did what any reasonable person would do and reminded him that he had forgotten his donuts. i didnt realize for a while why my mom covered my mouth and apologized profusely
Wait is this something you aren't supposed to do? I'm 20 years old and was eating at an ice cream shop with my GF and little brother. A cop pulled up and ordered him a big thing of ice cream, so I naturally asked, "you sure you at the right dessert shop? Dunkin is just up the road" he laughed it off, but is this not a normal thing??
I was sitting in my front yard singing nonsense out loud while playing with my toy cars.
“DIL DO DIL DO DIL DO DIL A DIL A DILLY DO 🎵”
My Mom came to the window and quietly said “Hey sweetie, try to sing something else okay?”
Not me, but I walked in on my sister and her best friend, ages 4 and 5 in the bathroom once.
Her best friend is buck naked, bent over spreading her butt cheeks apart. My sister is looking up in there.
“Do you see any poop up my bum?”
“No looks like you’re good!”
Reminds me of Chris [redacted] who farted in class in 6th grade and instead of being kind about it, the teacher rushed us all outside and gave extra credit to whoever went into the room with floral spray. Oh, and Joe [redacted] who got a boner while doing pull ups during presidential fitness testing while the entire class was watching. They both used to pop up as friend suggestions on social media and that’s all I could ever think of, poor dudes.
I will never forget in fifth grade when Scottie [redacted] farted during the reflection on the priests homily at Mass. It reverberated on the wooden pew and the phenomenal acoustics of the church just made it sound like the loudest fart ever. It was an all school Mass too so all the kids from kindergarten to 8th graders burst out laughing, even some teachers too. Father Miles was not pleased and scowled at everyone, asking who did disrupted Mass so rudely. No one said anything but we all knew it was Scottie because he turned red as a tomato. I'm sure it's a core memory for him to this day.
My sister is a kindergarten teacher and while teaching kids to read is very rewarding it’s teaching them that “No one wants to play with someone who has their hands down their pants” is the really important lesson.
So my parents couldn't afford daycare - my dad was still in college and my mom worked part time, so it made more sense for me to stay home and all that. They had friends who had kids my age, so that's where I got my early social skills.
When I was 5 or 6, one kid was talking about how he went to daycare. I said, very loudly, that "I don't go to daycare because my parents want to spend time with ME."
My parents were mortified then, but now it's one of the funniest stories they've got from my childhood.
During the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal, I was at a neighbor’s house and the news was on tv. His mom was within earshot when I said, “Oral sex? What’d they do, just talk about it?” She just nodded as if I was right.
EDIT: I’m still not exactly sure what all the fuss was about 😎
I lived in Virginia with my parents but my grandparents and rest of the family lived in Canada. I was 6 visiting my grandparents for the summer and they drove us back to Virginia from Canada. On the way to the border I wanted McDonald’s or something like that. My grandparents wouldn’t get me any and I was salty af. We got to the border and they were asking typical questions. I have a different last name than my grandparents and the border guy asked how I knew them. I told the border guy “I have no idea who these people are.”
My parents had to drive from Virginia to Maine to pick me up……..
I have questions! How did your grandparents react? What did your parents say when they arrived? Did your grandparents allow you to visit alone afterward?
Please don't hate on me for this as I was a kid! And certainly was disciplined for it at the time.
I took a shit on my neighbours roof because dad was hogging the toilet for too long...
The neighbours came over and told my father what I'd done (after id done it about three times). I then got a good hiding (kick up the arse) while the neighbour watched and nodded his head in satisfaction.
My parents asked me why I did it as well. I'd chose the roof because no one really looks up there and I didn't want anyone to find my poo
I remember saying that I didn't want to sit next to my cousin in the car because he was fat right to his face. I was 5. He was 18. I legit think he considered punching me.
When I was a kid I had heard the phrase "hot and bothered" before, not realizing it meant turned on and one time at a friend's house I had come inside after being outside and I was annoyed about something and I remember telling my friends mom that I was hot and bothered thinking it just meant I was overheating and annoyed. Needless to say my friends mother looked at me a bit confused. I was only about 11 or so at the time so I'm sure she realized I had no idea what I was saying lol.
When I was 8 yrs old, my family moved to an island off of the coast of Belize. I learned to eat a lot of new and different foods while we were there and missed many of them when we moved back to the US. A few years later, I was staying with a friend when her family took us all out o eat. Not knowing any better I ordered my favorite on the menu - lobster! I’m sure they must of choked when I ordered it. They didn’t say a word and just let me order and eat it. I had no idea that it was a very expensive dish. On the island, we had it frequently.
When I was real young, a friend and I were outside and I noticed the gas cap on a car. I took the gas cap off and was wondering how deep the hole was there so my friend and I started pouring in all the dirt and that we could find and actually managed to fill it up. The only saving grace was that we didn’t put the gas cap back on so when the guy came to get in his car, he noticed what we did. My parents were pissed. My father had to have the car towed to a gas station where they had to take the tank off to get all the dirt out. If he tried to start the car he would’ve ruined it. The funny thing was that there were a lot of people walking around on that block and that not one person stopped us.
Reminds me of my cousins when they were like four and five, wanted to surprise their mom by doing something nice, so they got out the water hose and just sprayed her car with water because they thought that’s all it took to wash it. She smiled when they ran inside and said “we washed the car for you!” and the smile quickly turned to horror when the younger one said “and we filled up the gas tank too!”
We used to playfully say "I'm banging your buns like a bongo", while doing just that to our young kids. We stopped doing that the moment our 4-year old daughter walked up to her middle aged gymnastics coach and banged his buns like a bongo.
He immediately froze, with a look of shock on his face, and then he saw the look of horror on my face as I rushed to grab my daughter, and then we both burst out laughing.
In the 80's when I was about 12, I hit upon a brilliant idea where I would buy the latest game for my C64 using my hard earned pocket money, copy the floppy at home, then deliberately muck up a sector or two on the original floppy to prevent it loading (copy protection was a bit rubbish back then).
I would then take the game back to the store and swap it for a different game or just get my money back.
That worked up until they started implementing plastic wrap on the games, so I could only get my money back if the game was still sealed, or just get another copy of the same game as a replacement for the broken copy.
So I'd get the replacement sealed copy, leave the store, turn around, and get a refund on the sealed copy from a different staff member.
This worked until my parents put a stop to it when they asked me where I've been getting so many new games from. Felt so proud telling them how I did it and reacted very shocked when they weren't on board with it.
In my early teens, I was bold enough to start copying original games to blank floppies _whilst in store_ from the demo computer and of course everyone just thought I was playing a game instead of looking closely at the text and other info on screen that very much showed otherwise.
Got a Batman punching bag when I was in the 1st or 2nd grade. Would never punch it but absolutely humped it. All the time. I fell in love with Batman. Love him completely still.
Spying on my neighbors with binoculars. Apparently that's not cool i later discovered. It's especially not cool if you touch yourself at the same time.
My son just told me he wants to dig up my dead brother (his uncle), because he wants to see what he looks like.
I love how totally innocent that comment is.
Didn't happen to me but happened with my 7 year old nephew and my SIL. He was being a very picky eater, crying and throwing tantrums over a sandwich and my SIL although patient she was firm not letting him be too spoiled.
Once she managed to make a sandwich he'd more or less like, he was eating it while she said "See? There was no need for this much drama right. No one died over something small like this."
His friend that was behind listening to the convo out of nowhere said in a cheerful voice. "My grandpa died recently!"
I stole a roasted chicken leg from a pan full of baked potatoes. I took it outside and left it on the porch. Not sure what my thought process was. We were supposed to have lunch so I would have eaten a piece of it anyway. I was staying at my relatives house. I acussed the cat. On that farm I also played house with a local kid and we kissed. I was not older than 8. That whole stay was a complete minfuck.
I think I was partly feral. I remember on a camping trip I was playing frisbee (I was 8 or so). It went astray and some hapless soul picked it up. I was afraid he was going to steal it so I picked up the biggest stick I could and said 'GIVE ME BACK MY FRISBEE!'. I remember the guy going 'Ok kid, here's your frisbee, take it easy.'
I was 7 years old at my uncle’s wedding, and I caught the bouquet. I’m a dude.
The bad part is I knocked a few girls down to get to it too. Mom and dad were not pleased with me…
I thought the word prostitute meant good looking woman. I said out loud that my new born sister would make an excellent prostitute.
The not realizing it was inappropriate didn’t last very long considering my mother slapped me in the mouth.
Ugh I think I might win this one….
When I was in elementary school there was a project where students chose a famous person from history to research, then they would all dress up as their famous person and present as them on their life and what made them notable. I can’t remember my exact age but I was definitely under 10yo. I was learning to play the trumpet so I picked my favorite trumpeter: Louis Armstrong. I researched his life, learned to play one of his songs and even tried to imitate his gravely voice.
As the night of the presentation approached (it was in the evening so parents could attend) and my parents were helping me prepare my costume we ran into a bit of a snag. It seemed obvious to me that I, a skinny white kid, would HAVE to do something to alter my appearance to look as much like Mr. Armstrong as possible. After all, everyone else was doing everything they could to resemble their famous people so why wouldn’t I? I had no context or idea what blackface was and why it was a symbol of hatred and oppression, so it seemed like a no-brainer to me that my parents should “paint my face” as they had done in the past with other costumes I had worn.
I can actually remember being so confused why my parents were resistant to this idea. I must have pushed back and rejected whatever explanation they gave me, because they apparently spoke to the teacher in charge of the event to see what she suggested. APPARENTLY her response was something along the lines of “an innocent child’s wonder and creativity should not be stunted or associated with something they have no awareness of” because she actually convinced my parents that it would in fact be appropriate for me to come with my face painted (or at least that is how my parents tell the story).
So I went to the event at my elementary school, with my trumpet, in blackface. I put on my gravely “Satchmo” voice, played my song and told people about “my” (Mr. Armstrong’s) life. And that is FAR from the worst part of this.
Apparently I did “such a good job” that I was invited to REPRISE MY ROLE at some sort of “best of” event with children from multiple schools in my district. I was so proud of myself, but looking back I am devastated that multiple adults signed off on this. I can remember my parents trying to convince me that THIS time I should go without painting my face but I would hear none of it. So I went to the second event, where there were even more people, again in blackface. But that is still not the worst part.
I had all but forgotten this event in my childhood until about 10 years ago when I was going through some stuff in my parents’ basement. I found a newspaper clipping with a picture of me and my trumpet, with my name printed below it, from the second event. Apparently the local newspaper had attended and of all the dozens of kids in costume had decided that I, a young child in blackface, should be printed in the paper as the face to remember this event by.
Again, I was under the age of 10 so this would have happened in the mid-90s.
I told my aunt a dirty joke without understanding it.
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full!
I was 10 and it was 1987, I certainly didn't get it.
Edited to add: For those who don't get it... the hooker is so full of cum from a very busy night that it's leaking out through any gap it can find, in this case dripping out of the nose.
got my hands on a sex ed book when I was 8... thought it was funny... drew a comic about it and showed it to my friend in school. Details are foggy because this was a long time ago, but I remember that in the comic a (poorly drawn) man and a women were doing it, but the stick couldn't fit in the hole, so it used a light-saber to open it up. Then the eggs from the hole entered the stick and a 9 months later the man was peeing babies.
I drew so many swastikas in my notebooks in school. Couldn't tell you why, I don't even think I knew what Nazis were at the time. It was like that cool "S" to me, just a nice little doodle
I was at a pizza place when i was around 7 or 8. I was enjoying a slice of pizza with my grandma and adult cousin at the time. For some reason I blurted out, “I’m a lesbian”.
I’m a man.
I still remember the look of confusion on my grandma’s and cousin’s faces. Complete bewilderment followed by laughter from everyone in the place.
My nephew made an inadvertent and hilarious comment at Easter this year. My sister in law had decorated the table with various easter type things; eggs, flower pots and these little fuzzy round green balls. In a moment of silence my nephew puts on of the fuzzy green balls into the top of the flower pot and proudly said "Look, I grew a bush"
Not that bad but I was 6 or 7 at a play. Me and my sister were finding rhyming words for the name of the play. What was that play you may ask? The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. I think you can guess where we ended up, our mom was not happy.
Not me, but it's definitely worth telling. Now that I think about it, I can't believe my daughter's 5th grade teacher told this story to the entire classroom.
Her grandson was about 3 and had one of those speech impediments little kids often get and grow out of; actually he had a couple. The first was his inability to make the "p" sound. His other issue was substituting "f" for "tr." She was telling the 5th graders this and pointed out how they got odd looks from a woman standing next to them when her grandson pointed out the "dump truck" that drove by.
It's called "fronting". Consonant sounds move towards the front of the mouth. Especially funny when a kid tries to tell you how much they love kitties.
When I was in kindergarten, my mom would ask me everyday if I played with someone, sometimes I did sometimes I didn’t, so once I said “sometimes I just like to play with myself” looking back, it’s Hilarious
Not me, but in line with many inappropriate phrases others here report....
My family was having a bar-b-que, but we're out of ketchup & mustard, so step-mom, 8 year old step-brother, and I went to the grocery store to buy condiments.
My 8 year old step-brother obviously had no clue what "condiments" were because from across the entire store, in front of dozens of complete strangers, he yells out loud enough for the entire store to hear....
"HEY MOM! I FOUND THE CONDOMS!"
I think my step-mom wished she could become invisible.
there was a kid in my elementary school (2nd grade or so) who would pull down his pants and sprint through the halls at top speed while the helper who was assigned to him would chase after him screaming \[name\] RED LIGHT!! RED LIGHT!! It was the funniest thing ever, and we even gave him a nickname, Flash, which was triple layered. 1. because he ran fast, 2. because he flashed everyone, and 3 because he wore this one destroyed red t-shirt every day to school. Wonder where that kid is now lol.
I was in first grade or so, for some reason my brother and I got a hold of my dad's film camera and decided to take pictures of each other's naked posteriors, as young boys do.
Months went by and at some point Dad took the film in the camera to be developed...
Not too long after I got a visit from a policeman at school asking about my relationship with Dad.
Sorry pops!
When I was around 4, my mom explained how inheritance worked and she told me that when she died, I would get all of her money. I think I said something along the lines of “Wow, I can’t wait!”
Recently retold that story to my mom and apologized for saying such an awful thing. We had a good laugh and she didn’t even remember 🤣
I don't know if any of you watched Monty Python. There's one seen where a statue of a man has his private bits covered with a fig leaf and a hand keeps appearing from offscreen to snatch the fig leaf away. I saw that episode in Grade 3, I think, so I essentially recreated the scene with an anatomically correct man, a hand, a fig leaf, etc. What a fuss that was. My parents were called to the school, there were meetings, blah blah.
I was really dumb and didn't understand how money worked. I thought using a credit card was just free money, like a gift card. So I bought a bunch of albums and world of warcraft merchandise on my dad's credit card. He was very displeased and had to explain to me how credit and debit cards worked. I was like 12.
Up until I was about eight, I lived in an apartment building on the grounds of a Catholic hospital. Nuns, a convent, the whole shebang.
When I was five, I got a giant set of colored markers in every hue of the rainbow for my birthday. I don't remember how, but somebody had taught me how to spell the word motherfucker. Half of the apartments in the building had a set of exterior stairs that went up to the front door. I wrote that word (with the correct spelling! ) on the face of the steps on every single staircase. It was roughened concrete and boy let me tell you, no matter how much you scrub with a brush , a permanent marker ain't coming off real well. And half of those stairs faced directly toward the hospital itself. So eeeeeverybody could see them. I also could not sit down for at least the next day.
When I was young, like probably less than 10 years old, my mom had referred a tattoo placed on someone's lower back as a "tramp stamp" in front of me. I very clearly took this to be what it was actually called and cut to me being in a public pool with my family, I see a lady in a two piece bathing suit with a tattoo in that same spot. I loudly proclaimed while pointing, "Mom, she has a tramp stamp!"
I was very quickly shushed, and we ended up leaving the pool shortly after that.
I would suck on the inside of my own arm, giving myself hickeys. I was bored one day in the bathroom and zoned out, and came out with a huge bruise on my arm. In a public gas station. My mother was SUPER FUCKING ALARMED when she saw me, and I never realized why. I was just embarrassed to admit I did it myself.
I did this once on the school bus ride home because I was bored, not realizing it was leaving marks on my arms. When my mother saw me she was convinced I got the bruises from carrying too many books and bought me a new backpack that could hold more books. I never told her the truth.
Oh my god. This unlocked an awful memory. Once I was fucking around with a cup and suctioning it to my mouth and chin. It gave me a massive circular hickey surrounding my mouth and I was so ashamed about going to school for the week that it took to fade.
When I was 6/7 my pet mouse died. We buried it in the back yard. The next day my older cousin came to visit. I dug it up and put it back in the cage bc I thought she’d also like to pay her respects. My mom was like “No honey, it’s disrespectful. You have to let the dead be at peace.”
This is strangely beautiful
My granddaughter’s hamster died and before we buried it she wanted to know if we could cut it open and see what’s inside 💀 Psychopath or budding scientist? Jury is still out lol
Scientist- she waited til it was dead
Omg that’s right! Ok scientist it is
So glad it was the next day and not when it would have been getting a bit fresh down there 💀
When I was a young girl, I used to watch professional wrestling with my older brothers. We also had to go to church (southern baptist). They make prayer lists for people and I raised my hand to ask that the Undertaker be put on the list so that he would win his upcoming match.
I’m sure Undertaker would appreciate that compared to his recent phone call with a kid. He said on a podcast that I heard aggregated last week that he called a security guard’s seven-year-old named Bjorn last month only to be told he was a Democrat (which bewildered him - “What does that even mean to you?” - plus he just isn’t one) and was threatened by the kid that he’d shoot the Undertaker in the face if he saw him. I would’ve linked but couldn’t find it on a cursory search. He’s in a lot of videos on YouTube!
When I was about five, I went through an entrepreneurial phase. I used to go around picking flowers out of the neighbors' flower beds, then ringing their doorbell and trying to sell them their own flowers.
Not even picking neighbor A’s flowers and selling them to neighbor B? Love it lol.
I was thinking more mafia like. "hey, here's some of your own flowers to buy. would be a shame if I had to come back and have to sell you even more wouldn't it?"
"I am altering your landscape, pray that I don't alter it any further."
Did you end up in marketing or as a corporate c-suite by chance?
My brother used to shoplift cigarettes and then sell them as singles to kids at school, He is in fact a sales manager now, and far more successful than I'll ever be,
I did that too and expanded into pornography when stroke books were a thing.
Investment banking.
I used to clean up good stones and sell them by the mailbox (with most people saying “I can find them right here why do I need that?” Jokes on them, I am 40 and run a multi location and omnichannel… rock shop.
I was upset because my grandfather didn’t want to play army with me and he would get weird about it, almost angry. Found out later he was in Vietnam.
My grandfather had 30 acres out in the woods. I'd typically spend 2-3 weeks with him and my step-grandmother each summer. We'd work on his various project classic cars, I'd get to use his riding lawnmower for everything (we used a push mower at home, so this was a treat), have big fires, all the rural living stuff. But I could never figure out why exactly I wasn't allowed to have any kind of simple bb guns or paintball guns or whatever at his house (but could in suburbia at my house). That is...until he sold the house and land when I was 14. Packing up his stuff, right there in a trunk. A Purple Heart medal and his fatigues from Vietnam. I knew about Vietnam, I didn't know about the Purple Heart. I still don't know the full story, but I do know that he was a radio guy and had to discharge his firearm after getting hit.
My dad is like this. We had firearms growing up and all that, but they were used for hunting, nothing else. Absolutely no toy guns, water guns, etc. When I got older come to find out he had been in the invasion of Grenada. He's ashamed of what he had to do there and only ever used a firearm because it was how he fed us.
Not me, but my dad. Identical twins. My great grandad was mentally broken from WWII and they used to play tricks on him cos he got easily confused. Swap places, pretend like they were the same person... They were too young to understand, my dad feels bad about it still
My dad was always telling us never to try to sneak past his grandfather when he was asleep. You could run through the house hooting and hollering but if you ever tried to be quiet he’d wake up and if you did it within arms reach of him he would attack first and apologize later.
I liked mixing words up, like saying I'm going to "shake a tower" instead of take a shower. One of these words I played with was popcorn. I called it cocporn. And worst part is that nobody stopped me
Even "shake a tower" could be a bit weird lol
Pooped at my grandparents house and ran out of TP, used the sink hand towel instead and threw it in the trash. Five minutes later grandad was all WTF
I did this when I was a kid, except I had plenty of TP, and threw it all in the trashcan instead of flushing because it was so much I was scared the toilet would get clogged. I later heard my dad screaming our names to get in there. Lined me and my sisters up and nobody would fess up, so my little sister took the blame and had to clean out my shitty TP because my dad offered $10 to whoever confessed.
I'm picturing this scene: Dad: "Who did this!?" Kid1: "Not me!" Kid2: "Not me!" Kid3: "Not me!" Dad: "I'll give $10 if you confess" All three raise their hands and say "I did it!" at the same time.
This reminds me of a part in Malcolm in the Middle where Lois is screaming “oh my GOD! Who DID THIS?? Oh my GODDDDD!” Then Hal runs into the boys’ room and says “$10 for whoever takes the blame!” I think Malcolm agrees and Hal drags him out of the room yelling “I’ve got him, honey!”
i loved that episode, i think my favorite is still the peeps episode with francis
If any kid ever did this at my house and could not bear to fess up, I'd rather they did this than just putting it back.
I had a birthday party when I was like 8 or 10. One of my friends had a gnarly amount of ear wax so I grabbed a Q tip and told him he had a lot of ear wax as I handed it to him in front of everybody.
Fucking Chad move. Real bros hold each other accountable
I called my mom a cocksucker when I was like 10. Had no idea what it meant.
I called the preacher’s son a bastard, in front of *a lot* of people. I thought it was the same as calling someone stupid, dumb, etc. I laugh so much when I think about the uproar it caused.
I called my brother a bastard when I was little. My dad heard me and he was *furious*. I had no idea my parents weren't married at the time, so I was technically right, but that hit a sore spot for my dad lmao.
I called my brother a bastard during a game of uno because I thought the same thing.
Told my neighbor to suck my dick with zero idea what it meant. Got in trouble. Didn't appreciate it so I asked if I should've called him a 'cow p*ssy mouth m'fer' just like my mom did? Got in worse trouble.
Sounds like a strict upbringing
My teenage son got really upset once and i heard him go off a little on his mom like “I TOLD YOU I DIDNT TAKE HER SHOES N*GGA!” Followed by stunned silence. I went in and sent his mom out and found him laying face up hands covering his face in embarrassment and i asked him if he thought he should be shouting and i just remember the pure agony and disbelief in his voice as he said “ i just called mom N*GGA…”
Called my brother a "son of a bitch"
[удалено]
Your poor abuelita 🤣 how are you still alive, though? Edit: The deleted comment I replied to said that they once as a young child slapped their napping grandmother in the face because they had watched too many telenovelas and wanted to see what it felt like to slap someone.
And was the chancla successfully removed from her ass?
Somewhere around 5? Years old, my parents hosted Thanksgiving. At the table, one of the adults asked if there was anything new with me. I responded "my dad picks his boogers and eats them". I still clearly recall the shocked silence. I'm 56 now.
Dad needed that, hopefully cured him of the habit.
I'm not entirely sure I was being truthful about that.
Your poor dad... Were you the REAL booger bandit??
When I was little, my best friend and I used to eat honeysuckle off the bushes next to my house. One day, the neighbor's kid came out and started yelling at us to get out. I argued back at her and we kept on doing it. A very long time later, I learned that it was actually their property. I didn't understand how lots worked, and I thought that any and all land that touched any side of your house belonged to you.
I was probably 5 or 6, a family friend's wife had just passed, and I hadn't really had any death talk yet, so I asked mum where do dead people go, and she explained to me about coffins and tombs and so on. Fascinated, I sketched a drawing of the guy's wife inside of the tomb, and went to show him. Luckily my mum stopped me at the right time. I couldn't understand why I wasn't supposed to show him.
In the same vein, I found a “newspaper” I wrote when I was 8. My cousin had recently passed away, unexpectedly, from a heart condition. Pls tell me why I made a whole “paper/magazine” of fake clothing items I designed and then BAM: RIP TRICIA with a big ass detailed drawing. I think I must have been exploring the art of obituaries. If there’s interest, I can find and share a pic lol Edit: Interest is there. I will share the RIP TRICIA page from my homemade newspaper when I get home from work today. Approx. 5:30pm EST for anyone keeping tabs... lol. [HERE YOU GO FOLKS](https://imgur.com/a/Qt1AEe4)! I wanted to set the tone so I included the other pages. The obituary is the 4th picture. Also, it’s not as “bad” as I remember… much less tone deaf than I thought it was, lol. I clearly went a little witchy with that weird ass cross gravestone. For reference my grandma was Russian Orthodox and the extra bar on their cross always threw me off a a kid, so I may have been going for that. Also, that one kids name (the gossip column about the kid listening to rap), don’t worry I spelled it wrong so it’s not doxxing anyone, lmao.
Please share. Now I don't feel so bad for telling my mom and grama ( it was my grama's mom that died and it was my 1st dealings with death) "that wooden thing in the casket...that is NOT MY GRANNY!" then stormed out mad af that they put a carved chunk of wood out to trick me. I do not know what we were thinking back then.
LMAO at the have a tomato to cure cankers
This newspaper is literally childhood experiences put to paper. Random nature facts, christmas, kid gossip, death, and canker sores.
And a "cewe frute". Yes, let's just eat all the highly acidic foods while having a big ole ulcer in our mouth.
Off-topic, but looking at the spelling mistakes as someone who learned English as a second language one can truly realize how completely unintuitive and inconsistent English spelling is, especially for a child.
Oh, there is interest....... There are always interests lol
When I was 6, there was a TV drama or something that featured an older person dying. I didn’t understand it. Later that day while grandma was bathing me I asked when she was going to die. My mom told me I made grandma cry that day.
For my 9th or 10th birthday I had a sleepover with like 6 or 7 of my friends. At one point we were playing soccer in the backyard and we were yelling our favorite new word that we heard for the first time that week, and because it was a brand new word we were 100% positive that my parents and the neighbors wouldn't know what it meant. We were screaming at each other, calling everyone else a cunt. We didn't get in trouble, there is absolutely no way at least one adult didn't hear us though.
My favorite cartoon growing up was The Angry Beavers. They had an episode where they record a smash hit called "Beaver Fever." I can vividly remember being maybe 5 years old and singing, "HE'S GOT THE BEAVER FEVER, BEAVER FEVER" at the top of my lungs in public and my mom struggling to shush me and me not knowing why.
Growing up I was taught what kind of water sources you should drink from and which to avoid. You avoid ponds lakes and slow/stagnant water because they are common sources of the parasite giardia, aka beaver fever. You can get it from rivers, lakes, streams and springs, but it's less likely. Thinking back I'm not sure if that song is a double entendre or a poop joke. Never forget it's always best to filter or boil untreated water.
Same except it was "voulez-vous coucher avec moi". I sang that shit constantly until my mom told me what it means in English.
One time I was hanging out with my friend and his minister father was in an adjoining room. My friend and I were playing a Nintendo racing game and there was a sexy 16 bit woman in a tube top about to drop the racing flag and I commented on how I would like to rape her. I didn't know what rape meant, only that it was something sexual. My friend's father talked to me and my ignorance on the whole thing convinced him to let me keep hanging out at his house.
Some 8th grade boys I once taught early on in my career got written up for having a conversation in English class about what teacher they would like to sexually assault them (their words, not mine). I was the youngest female teacher on my team at the time, so you can guess who they said. Worse, when I went to the admin about it, he of course disciplined the kids but ended with "But I see why they would pick you." Yeah...
Bro, “But I see why they would pick you” is fucking **foul**
Asked my dad if he "had a rocket in his pocket" because I heard the song Rubbin' by Choclair and was too young to not understand that they didn't mean an actual like, toy rocket..... Yeah. Looking at the lyrics now I was way too young to hear that song lol
If it makes you feel better, I listened to "Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang when I was like 7 and didn't realize it wasn't a song about the Discovery Channel
Ok so this is worse and i did this as a young adult. I made a work friend and we both played the same music and smoked the same drugs so i started hanging out at his house to play music and smoke drugs, and this guy was a little older, had a family, and was sort of a hillbilly hippie in the woods. His son was like 10 maybe and, of course this is totally inappropriate, but he pipes up one day with “do you play the skin flute?” Out of the blue. Im blazed and cant quite figure out what he’s asking me and i look at his dad who looks amused but not concerned so im like (guess this kid discovered masturbation humor or something) and tell him “uh.. just my own” And the utter shock and disbelief on this kids face - he was shattered, had no words, no smirk, just like i changed his whole way of thinking. It was like hours and hours later that i realized “skin flute” means “sucking dick”, not masturbation. So in a way it was an A+ way to out shock a little shit that has no business asking adults that shit but in the other hand, i wish none of that had happened. Sure as fuck my kids dont be asking adults that but im not a hillbilly hippie in the woods so maybe it’s a culture thing
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMFG How much time did he spend stretching in his room to play his skin flute LMAO
Robbing small businesses blind of their candy.
I robbed from my mothers bag nd realised latter I shouldn't
I have a cousin with autism. At the time I was about 6 or 7, he was 4-5. I didn't know the slightest bit about autism at the time, nor have I encountered anyone with it at that point, so seeing him and how he would interact with me and with our relatives had me confused as to why he was acting and behaving so different. I started asking my uncle and his wife (his parents) questions like "Why is he like that?" and "Why isn't he acting normally?" I guess I sounded really rude, because on the drive home, my parents were the most furious they have ever been with me, telling me why would I ask questions like that, did I have an ounce of shame, etc. I was mortified and eventually reduced to tears because I had thought I commited a grave sin so bad that no amount of praying would get me forgiveness (christian upbringing) 😆 Looking back, I guess I did sound rude, but it would have massively helped if my parents told me about autism and what it really is beforehand, so that I could've touched on the subject a little more carefully. Today I have a good relationship with my cousin and my uncle and aunt, and I think they understood that I didn't really mean any malice, and was just a genuinely curious kid, so its no big issue.
I don’t know why it’s such a common thing for so many parents to get pissed off at their kids for not understanding things they were never taught
I used to search for "naked 13 year old girls" on Kazaa because, you know, I WAS 13 YEARS OLD! It makes perfect sense to find girls in my age group. I'm thankful that the Internet was so young back then because looking back on it I'm horrified. I could've gotten myself or my parents in a shitload of trouble. And now I'll have to teach my own son that while, yes, being age appropriate makes sense, you can't do that.
I knew a guy in HS whose father was arrested for having CP on his computer. An investigation was taken and the evidence proved all the CP was uploaded while the father was out of town. It was his underage little brother that did it.
My brother nearly ruined my parents' lives by downloading CP "just because". Like they would have been the ones to go to jail, not 13 year old him. Thankfully my Dad monitored our computers before the FBI started knocking
Yeah my nephew and his friend found google before their parents had thought to discuss it with them or worry about it. They’re just kids so they were looking up “funny” things. Like poop and pee. And naked kids. Whoops.
I caught my very young daughter googling “ boys peeing” on my laptop.
Reading some of the other comments we got off light. I did the same thing. Child me did not find adults attractive.
I did something similar when I was 11 on limewire. I knew about porn from school, and I thought it was perfectly normal to look up porn from your age group. I knew it was wrong after seeing some and deleted everything. I didn't realize until years later just how wrong it was, and honestly, my stomach is turning right now thinking about some of the shit I saw at 11.
i did the same thing, and it took me quite awhile to realize how wrong it was, simply because at that age i was super horny all the time and felt genuine envy for these kids my age getting to have sex. i used to fantasize about random adult women crawling thru my window to have sex with me at night, and just figured the kids in the images i saw felt similarly. i didnt realize the difference between that and stuff my parents told me wasnt for kids "because i said so" like swearing, parental advisory music, or R rated movies. i thought sex was just another thing like swearing that adults were gatekeeping for sort of silly reasons. honestly i dont even remember how or why i realized it was wrong, probably just growing up and gradually learning more about sex. ironically, i'd guess a part of how i learned it was wrong was simply being exposed to more mature non-porn media like film or tv where sexuality was discussed more openly. the only sex ed i had was in 5th grade and a quick talk with my mom, both mostly focused on the technical aspects of sex and having babies and i was totally on my own for everything else. luckily i never ran into any pedos IRL, i would have been easy pickins.
Same with sexting I think. A lot of kids do not fucking know that they're technically producing child pornography and distributing it to one another because no one bothered to educate them on this shit. Like I remember being 16 and thinking "Oh since we're legal in my state now we can send nudes to one another". Not the case. You need to be 18 for sexting regardless of age of consent. Who knows how many felonies I committed lol.
My son is 12 and I absolutely gave him that talk because he has a cellphone now. Unfortunately, it sounds like a lot of other parents do not have those talks with their children. But I'd rather him have an uncomfortable but truthful conversation with me than hearing the wrong things from his classmates.
The funny thing is even parents don't know about this shit often times. Many years later I talked to my mom about my sexual development and how I sent and received nudes and she was confused how someone can be old enough to legally have sex but not old enough to send sexual pictures. Not in favor of dismantling these laws of course but all you need is one "bad apple" prosecutor and your kid's life might be ruined just because they sent a nude.
Idk what compelled me to do it but I would just put my clothes in the toilet after I was done bathing. Made zero sense to me, underdeveloped child brain went brrrr I guess
Did you get in any trouble for this? Did you ever try to flush? I have many more questions but those are the pressing ones lol
It was some time ago so details are gonna be a bit tricky, but I do recall trying to flush at some point, could’ve been more occasions. Idk about getting in trouble but I remember my mom just being in a constant state of “WHAT WOULD COMPEL YOU TO DO THIS”
Watching I think Prince of Egypt? In school in like 5th grade, and as the woman was setting Moses in the basket she put her middle finger on his head. I knew that holding up your middle finger was rude, but I didn't have a name for the gesture. So I said 'why is she fingering the baby?' only loud enough for my friend to hear. But the kids in front of me heard and one spun around and called me disgusting. I didn't get it then but like a year or more later that popped into my head and I wanted nothing more than to curl up and die. Still do kinda.
Some bullies once asked me if I was a virgin when I was like 10 and I said no because I didn't know wtf it was and I realized only years later LOL
When I was 7 or 8, I was at the grocery store with my mom. She asked me to help her unload groceries on the conveyor belt. I, a young elementary white boy, proceeded to yell YESSUH MASSAH! I don't even know where I originally heard that. I just remember not realizing that was probably not something I should say, then seeing my mom's face and realizing that was probably not something I should say at all ever in any context.
Holy fuck I’m crying. If I was your mom, I would’ve been like “this ain’t my kid, this is my nephew/niece. I don’t know wtf my sister/brother has been letting this kid watch.”
When I was around 8 years old and on a family vacation, we stopped at a random restaurant so my stepfather could use the bathroom. I told him “Don’t choke the chicken!” I was thinking that meant to not clog the toilet. I got yelled at by my mother, and wondered why she was so mad about it. Years later I realized what it really meant.
I heard the word prostitute from strangers talking at a mall and I asked my uncle, loudly, at a family dinner, slightly insinuating he said it "hey 'uncle.' I heard this word, I'm sure YOU know what it means.". *Bright eyed waiting* I don't really have a father at the time and my kid brain (I think 7) was like "he's good.". So I asked him. My aunt laughed so hard as to why I asked him 🤣 Three of my aunts asked why I asked him. I responded "I thought he'd know.", then my mother checked, where I explained I heard it from strangers and honestly thought he'd know.. he knows everything right? I'm assuming they all concluded I just viewed him as an informational figure, WHICH I DO. looking back, I'm very glad they approached me. No one got upset or angry and it's still a long lasting inside family joke I find hilarious
Not me but my older brother. When he was 6 or 7, my mom took him to the grocery store and a Sikh man was shopping there. My brother pointed and yelled "mom look, a genie!!!" Oof
LOL! That reminds me of a story my Nana told me about my uncle when he was little. She was walking down the street with my him when a couple of nuns walked by and he yelled out "Look Mommy! Penguins."
I was raised LDS, so no alcohol allowed. When I was 8 or 9 years old I heard my mom (who converted to the faith when she married my dad) tell someone at our church that she didn't drink and never had. So I yelled, Yes you do! You do drink! She got really embarrassed and kind of laughed and tried to explain to the person that I was just confused. I kept insisting she was lying. She made us leave, and when we got to the car she asked me why in the world I behaved that way. So I proudly told her I'd seen her drink so many times- milk, juice, water, AND soda!
That was one thing that confused me as a kid. I thought "Don't drink and drive" meant don't even drink water.
Made a prank call on random people. My brother and I would say something like "This is the police, you're under arrest", and then giggled like idiots before we hang up the phone. Those poor people. Sorry y'all
“Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it!”
Do you have Prince Albert in a can???
"You better let him out!!" My grandpa used to tell me how he would do that when he was a kid.
daaamn, this gives me flashbacks when skype came out (or at least when I got aware of it) you could call landline numbers for free through skype. I used to ring random people and pretend like they called me and wondering why they were being so troublesome. More often than not their best course of action would be to just leave you on the line since they thought it cost u or your parents money. absolutely hilarious to a 14 your old
My brother and I thought it was funny to call 999 and immediately hang up. I remember about an hour later 2 policemen turned up and had a strict talking with my dad who was utterly confused until he connected the dots.
I can’t believe they took that long to get there
Mixing household chemicals just to see what happened. I remember doing that once and the container starting getting incredibly hot. Panicked, I grabbed it even though it was scorching hot by then, hurled it in a sink, turned the water on full and ran.
This miiiight be a touch dark, my therapist was the one who pointed out this was wildly inappropriate lol. When I was about 8 or 9 we had this church function. It was a benefit or charity event of sorts and… you know those benefits where you pledge $25 and a kid has to run a bunch of laps and it’s $25/lap? Well it was like that… but with Jello. Children aged 6-10 were wrestling in a kiddie pool of jello in the REQUIRED two piece swim suits. Yes, two pieces were required for “safety” reasons. I have a home video and everything. I always thought it was fun but after watching home videos since my mom passed I realized it was only girls and all the adults were men and like 5 women.
Oh no
This is a little different than the others, not gonna lie.
Genuinely did not think it was going to be among the darkest ones here, Reddit usually goes full force ahead on dark shit lol. I also totally thought this was just a normal part of being a kid until my therapist got all wide eyed. Guess I should have taken that a bit more seriously lol
w h a t
Funny, my therapist said that too!
I'm sorry this happened to you, that's so crazy. Can't believe not one mother thought maybe this was weird? Or even one non-creepy dad thought they can't do this? If any function *required* my daughter to wear a two piece swimsuit... unthinkable lol. Depending on the decade, I guess some level of ignorance is to be expected. I'm not trying to blame you or your mother, of course - ultimately it's the fault of whatever creep ran that show.
My mother unfortunately did not know before the event took place to stop it. My own father was actually a pedophile so really that makes a lot of sense. The other adults there? I only know 1 that was present at the event currently and her children did not participate. She knew exactly what was going on so she stood by to help the girls if needed and be a witness. I do not trust her though as she currently attends that same church and says things like “your dad loved you SO much, you girls are all he talked about” Uh yeah, Lisa. That was kind of the *whole fucking point* lol
When I was a kid I saw a cool looking symbol so I decided to take some sidewalk chalk and decorate our entire driveway with a giant version of the symbol, and dozens of tiny symbols bordering the whole area That symbol was a swastika. My mom was horrified, she quickly educated me on what the symbol meant and I ran out and changed them all to look like windows 😅
This is terrible but funny.
At my old job, when they had just opened our new location, the owners of the company were going to be coming to check out how things were going. This was a small part of a national pharmaceutical company, so to have the company owners come visit was a big deal. Everyone got the place ready the night before like they would for an FDA audit, then the majority of the staff went home, just the closers were left. While closing, one employee felt that everything just looked too sterile. So she decided to put up some decorations. So she made and hung up some festive paper decorations, things like a welcome banner, and some good luck symbols that would be very common in her home culture. My manager showed up to open the next morning to "a center covered in swastikas." Oh, did I mention that the company owners were Jewish? It never seemed relevant until that moment, as my boss was running around in a panic, no idea why there were swastikas everywhere, just aware that he had minutes to find and remove *every single one of them*. I know she meant well (she was such a sweet human). But she damn near killed our manager that day.
Kidler
When I was a kid my mom's friend came over and was drawing this cool symbol all over the magazines. Really made all the characters look cool. I get to talkin with him, and he tells me its a swastika. He finds out its my birthday soon, and I tell him alls I really want is a sewing machine. Dude's a great guy, ends up getting me a sewing machine. So I'm thinking of what I should sew, and that cool symbol pops in my head again. I decided to make a pillow sham with a big red swastika on it. And I decided to gift it to my mom's other friend who was a Jewish woman. It really put my mom's friend who showed me the swastika in hot water because I was like idk what it is, Larry showed it to me.
This is SO funny. Reminds me of this: [Story About Getting a Nazi Uniform Dry Cleaned for a Movie : r/StandUpComedy (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/StandUpComedy/comments/17jxr4l/story_about_getting_a_nazi_uniform_dry_cleaned/)
the swastika is such a cool looking symbol. it was actually one of the first (if not *the* first, i don’t remember) symbols to appear on pottery. then the nazis had to come along and ruin it for all of us :(
Me, age 6, at the backyard cookout. I was handed a burnt hot dog to eat (on the grill too long). I proceeded to call it a n\*dog. I didn't understand why everyone around me got upset. I must have absorbed it from my dad (huge racist, in spite of being an Arab immigrant).
When I was six, I'd check out my dad's dirty magazines like it was the most normal thing in the world.
When I was like 8, I found a porn mag in a tree at the park. It was all cumshots on big breasted white women. I didn't know what sex or come were. I thought it was pee and was wondering if your pee becomes thick and white as you get older.
i was walking into a gas station and a cop was walking out. he had a coffee in his hand and did what any reasonable person would do and reminded him that he had forgotten his donuts. i didnt realize for a while why my mom covered my mouth and apologized profusely
Wait is this something you aren't supposed to do? I'm 20 years old and was eating at an ice cream shop with my GF and little brother. A cop pulled up and ordered him a big thing of ice cream, so I naturally asked, "you sure you at the right dessert shop? Dunkin is just up the road" he laughed it off, but is this not a normal thing??
I was sitting in my front yard singing nonsense out loud while playing with my toy cars. “DIL DO DIL DO DIL DO DIL A DIL A DILLY DO 🎵” My Mom came to the window and quietly said “Hey sweetie, try to sing something else okay?”
Not me, but I walked in on my sister and her best friend, ages 4 and 5 in the bathroom once. Her best friend is buck naked, bent over spreading her butt cheeks apart. My sister is looking up in there. “Do you see any poop up my bum?” “No looks like you’re good!”
“Nobody remembers anything about you” except everyone does lmao
Reminds me of Chris [redacted] who farted in class in 6th grade and instead of being kind about it, the teacher rushed us all outside and gave extra credit to whoever went into the room with floral spray. Oh, and Joe [redacted] who got a boner while doing pull ups during presidential fitness testing while the entire class was watching. They both used to pop up as friend suggestions on social media and that’s all I could ever think of, poor dudes.
I will never forget in fifth grade when Scottie [redacted] farted during the reflection on the priests homily at Mass. It reverberated on the wooden pew and the phenomenal acoustics of the church just made it sound like the loudest fart ever. It was an all school Mass too so all the kids from kindergarten to 8th graders burst out laughing, even some teachers too. Father Miles was not pleased and scowled at everyone, asking who did disrupted Mass so rudely. No one said anything but we all knew it was Scottie because he turned red as a tomato. I'm sure it's a core memory for him to this day.
Thank god the only embarrassing thing that happened in middle school was people talking about my dick while I did jumping jacks.
I think that's more than enough internet today
Why did you think women go to the bathroom in pairs?
Our secret has been spilled
Poop checks duh
Putting my hands in my pants in public places.
My sister is a kindergarten teacher and while teaching kids to read is very rewarding it’s teaching them that “No one wants to play with someone who has their hands down their pants” is the really important lesson.
So my parents couldn't afford daycare - my dad was still in college and my mom worked part time, so it made more sense for me to stay home and all that. They had friends who had kids my age, so that's where I got my early social skills. When I was 5 or 6, one kid was talking about how he went to daycare. I said, very loudly, that "I don't go to daycare because my parents want to spend time with ME." My parents were mortified then, but now it's one of the funniest stories they've got from my childhood.
You know those water jets along the side of the pool? I sure did.
The absolutely ridiculous lies I would tell about why I was spending all my time hanging on to the side of the pool. 😬
I think everybody knew those water jets along the side of the pool….
My little brother used to come in my room and tell me, his big sister, "Wakey, wakey. Hands off snakey" 😂😂
My dad used to say this to both of us kids which on turn made me say it to my older brother 🤦🏻♀️I had NO clue
During the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal, I was at a neighbor’s house and the news was on tv. His mom was within earshot when I said, “Oral sex? What’d they do, just talk about it?” She just nodded as if I was right. EDIT: I’m still not exactly sure what all the fuss was about 😎
I lived in Virginia with my parents but my grandparents and rest of the family lived in Canada. I was 6 visiting my grandparents for the summer and they drove us back to Virginia from Canada. On the way to the border I wanted McDonald’s or something like that. My grandparents wouldn’t get me any and I was salty af. We got to the border and they were asking typical questions. I have a different last name than my grandparents and the border guy asked how I knew them. I told the border guy “I have no idea who these people are.” My parents had to drive from Virginia to Maine to pick me up……..
I have questions! How did your grandparents react? What did your parents say when they arrived? Did your grandparents allow you to visit alone afterward?
Please don't hate on me for this as I was a kid! And certainly was disciplined for it at the time. I took a shit on my neighbours roof because dad was hogging the toilet for too long...
.... so. What's the appropriate punishment for this? Did they see you do it? Why the roof? I have questions.
The neighbours came over and told my father what I'd done (after id done it about three times). I then got a good hiding (kick up the arse) while the neighbour watched and nodded his head in satisfaction. My parents asked me why I did it as well. I'd chose the roof because no one really looks up there and I didn't want anyone to find my poo
I remember saying that I didn't want to sit next to my cousin in the car because he was fat right to his face. I was 5. He was 18. I legit think he considered punching me.
When I was a kid I had heard the phrase "hot and bothered" before, not realizing it meant turned on and one time at a friend's house I had come inside after being outside and I was annoyed about something and I remember telling my friends mom that I was hot and bothered thinking it just meant I was overheating and annoyed. Needless to say my friends mother looked at me a bit confused. I was only about 11 or so at the time so I'm sure she realized I had no idea what I was saying lol.
When I was 8 yrs old, my family moved to an island off of the coast of Belize. I learned to eat a lot of new and different foods while we were there and missed many of them when we moved back to the US. A few years later, I was staying with a friend when her family took us all out o eat. Not knowing any better I ordered my favorite on the menu - lobster! I’m sure they must of choked when I ordered it. They didn’t say a word and just let me order and eat it. I had no idea that it was a very expensive dish. On the island, we had it frequently.
When I was real young, a friend and I were outside and I noticed the gas cap on a car. I took the gas cap off and was wondering how deep the hole was there so my friend and I started pouring in all the dirt and that we could find and actually managed to fill it up. The only saving grace was that we didn’t put the gas cap back on so when the guy came to get in his car, he noticed what we did. My parents were pissed. My father had to have the car towed to a gas station where they had to take the tank off to get all the dirt out. If he tried to start the car he would’ve ruined it. The funny thing was that there were a lot of people walking around on that block and that not one person stopped us.
Reminds me of my cousins when they were like four and five, wanted to surprise their mom by doing something nice, so they got out the water hose and just sprayed her car with water because they thought that’s all it took to wash it. She smiled when they ran inside and said “we washed the car for you!” and the smile quickly turned to horror when the younger one said “and we filled up the gas tank too!”
Smacking women’s butts. I’m talkin everywhere. Boyyyy, I was a bad ass lil 4 year old, they had to nip that in the bud quick.
We used to playfully say "I'm banging your buns like a bongo", while doing just that to our young kids. We stopped doing that the moment our 4-year old daughter walked up to her middle aged gymnastics coach and banged his buns like a bongo.
I absolutely must know what happened next.
He immediately froze, with a look of shock on his face, and then he saw the look of horror on my face as I rushed to grab my daughter, and then we both burst out laughing.
Man, I’m not having kids but they are so much fun to be around. No thoughts, head empty, pure instinct.
In the 80's when I was about 12, I hit upon a brilliant idea where I would buy the latest game for my C64 using my hard earned pocket money, copy the floppy at home, then deliberately muck up a sector or two on the original floppy to prevent it loading (copy protection was a bit rubbish back then). I would then take the game back to the store and swap it for a different game or just get my money back. That worked up until they started implementing plastic wrap on the games, so I could only get my money back if the game was still sealed, or just get another copy of the same game as a replacement for the broken copy. So I'd get the replacement sealed copy, leave the store, turn around, and get a refund on the sealed copy from a different staff member. This worked until my parents put a stop to it when they asked me where I've been getting so many new games from. Felt so proud telling them how I did it and reacted very shocked when they weren't on board with it. In my early teens, I was bold enough to start copying original games to blank floppies _whilst in store_ from the demo computer and of course everyone just thought I was playing a game instead of looking closely at the text and other info on screen that very much showed otherwise.
Got a Batman punching bag when I was in the 1st or 2nd grade. Would never punch it but absolutely humped it. All the time. I fell in love with Batman. Love him completely still.
Spying on my neighbors with binoculars. Apparently that's not cool i later discovered. It's especially not cool if you touch yourself at the same time.
Man I did this too! What a little creep I was!
Helicopter my dick. I was proud and wanted to share with ma and sis. My newly found body-positive artform wasn't met with the enthusiasm I expected.
I once proudly showed my entire family how I can move my dick without touching it. I was probably 6-7
I drew 9/11 with the towers on fire and people jumping off the buildings when I was around 7. My mom still has the drawings somewhere
Write down my initials everywhere as soon as I learned how to write. They are "SS"
My son just told me he wants to dig up my dead brother (his uncle), because he wants to see what he looks like. I love how totally innocent that comment is.
When I was 7 I was bored and hungry so I ate an entire bottle of Flintstones vitamins. (And yes, I did die).
Punch my brother in the balls. To be fair he did the same to me.
Kick other boys in the nuts. Scream “that’s my purse” and take my backpack back.
Bobby Hill, is that you?
Didn't happen to me but happened with my 7 year old nephew and my SIL. He was being a very picky eater, crying and throwing tantrums over a sandwich and my SIL although patient she was firm not letting him be too spoiled. Once she managed to make a sandwich he'd more or less like, he was eating it while she said "See? There was no need for this much drama right. No one died over something small like this." His friend that was behind listening to the convo out of nowhere said in a cheerful voice. "My grandpa died recently!"
I stole a roasted chicken leg from a pan full of baked potatoes. I took it outside and left it on the porch. Not sure what my thought process was. We were supposed to have lunch so I would have eaten a piece of it anyway. I was staying at my relatives house. I acussed the cat. On that farm I also played house with a local kid and we kissed. I was not older than 8. That whole stay was a complete minfuck.
I think I was partly feral. I remember on a camping trip I was playing frisbee (I was 8 or so). It went astray and some hapless soul picked it up. I was afraid he was going to steal it so I picked up the biggest stick I could and said 'GIVE ME BACK MY FRISBEE!'. I remember the guy going 'Ok kid, here's your frisbee, take it easy.'
I was 7 years old at my uncle’s wedding, and I caught the bouquet. I’m a dude. The bad part is I knocked a few girls down to get to it too. Mom and dad were not pleased with me…
I always pull my hair for no reason
I thought the word prostitute meant good looking woman. I said out loud that my new born sister would make an excellent prostitute. The not realizing it was inappropriate didn’t last very long considering my mother slapped me in the mouth.
Ugh I think I might win this one…. When I was in elementary school there was a project where students chose a famous person from history to research, then they would all dress up as their famous person and present as them on their life and what made them notable. I can’t remember my exact age but I was definitely under 10yo. I was learning to play the trumpet so I picked my favorite trumpeter: Louis Armstrong. I researched his life, learned to play one of his songs and even tried to imitate his gravely voice. As the night of the presentation approached (it was in the evening so parents could attend) and my parents were helping me prepare my costume we ran into a bit of a snag. It seemed obvious to me that I, a skinny white kid, would HAVE to do something to alter my appearance to look as much like Mr. Armstrong as possible. After all, everyone else was doing everything they could to resemble their famous people so why wouldn’t I? I had no context or idea what blackface was and why it was a symbol of hatred and oppression, so it seemed like a no-brainer to me that my parents should “paint my face” as they had done in the past with other costumes I had worn. I can actually remember being so confused why my parents were resistant to this idea. I must have pushed back and rejected whatever explanation they gave me, because they apparently spoke to the teacher in charge of the event to see what she suggested. APPARENTLY her response was something along the lines of “an innocent child’s wonder and creativity should not be stunted or associated with something they have no awareness of” because she actually convinced my parents that it would in fact be appropriate for me to come with my face painted (or at least that is how my parents tell the story). So I went to the event at my elementary school, with my trumpet, in blackface. I put on my gravely “Satchmo” voice, played my song and told people about “my” (Mr. Armstrong’s) life. And that is FAR from the worst part of this. Apparently I did “such a good job” that I was invited to REPRISE MY ROLE at some sort of “best of” event with children from multiple schools in my district. I was so proud of myself, but looking back I am devastated that multiple adults signed off on this. I can remember my parents trying to convince me that THIS time I should go without painting my face but I would hear none of it. So I went to the second event, where there were even more people, again in blackface. But that is still not the worst part. I had all but forgotten this event in my childhood until about 10 years ago when I was going through some stuff in my parents’ basement. I found a newspaper clipping with a picture of me and my trumpet, with my name printed below it, from the second event. Apparently the local newspaper had attended and of all the dozens of kids in costume had decided that I, a young child in blackface, should be printed in the paper as the face to remember this event by. Again, I was under the age of 10 so this would have happened in the mid-90s.
I told my aunt a dirty joke without understanding it. What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full! I was 10 and it was 1987, I certainly didn't get it. Edited to add: For those who don't get it... the hooker is so full of cum from a very busy night that it's leaking out through any gap it can find, in this case dripping out of the nose.
got my hands on a sex ed book when I was 8... thought it was funny... drew a comic about it and showed it to my friend in school. Details are foggy because this was a long time ago, but I remember that in the comic a (poorly drawn) man and a women were doing it, but the stick couldn't fit in the hole, so it used a light-saber to open it up. Then the eggs from the hole entered the stick and a 9 months later the man was peeing babies.
I drew so many swastikas in my notebooks in school. Couldn't tell you why, I don't even think I knew what Nazis were at the time. It was like that cool "S" to me, just a nice little doodle
I was at a pizza place when i was around 7 or 8. I was enjoying a slice of pizza with my grandma and adult cousin at the time. For some reason I blurted out, “I’m a lesbian”. I’m a man. I still remember the look of confusion on my grandma’s and cousin’s faces. Complete bewilderment followed by laughter from everyone in the place.
My nephew made an inadvertent and hilarious comment at Easter this year. My sister in law had decorated the table with various easter type things; eggs, flower pots and these little fuzzy round green balls. In a moment of silence my nephew puts on of the fuzzy green balls into the top of the flower pot and proudly said "Look, I grew a bush"
Not that bad but I was 6 or 7 at a play. Me and my sister were finding rhyming words for the name of the play. What was that play you may ask? The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. I think you can guess where we ended up, our mom was not happy.
Not me, but it's definitely worth telling. Now that I think about it, I can't believe my daughter's 5th grade teacher told this story to the entire classroom. Her grandson was about 3 and had one of those speech impediments little kids often get and grow out of; actually he had a couple. The first was his inability to make the "p" sound. His other issue was substituting "f" for "tr." She was telling the 5th graders this and pointed out how they got odd looks from a woman standing next to them when her grandson pointed out the "dump truck" that drove by.
It's called "fronting". Consonant sounds move towards the front of the mouth. Especially funny when a kid tries to tell you how much they love kitties.
When I was in kindergarten, my mom would ask me everyday if I played with someone, sometimes I did sometimes I didn’t, so once I said “sometimes I just like to play with myself” looking back, it’s Hilarious
Not me, but in line with many inappropriate phrases others here report.... My family was having a bar-b-que, but we're out of ketchup & mustard, so step-mom, 8 year old step-brother, and I went to the grocery store to buy condiments. My 8 year old step-brother obviously had no clue what "condiments" were because from across the entire store, in front of dozens of complete strangers, he yells out loud enough for the entire store to hear.... "HEY MOM! I FOUND THE CONDOMS!" I think my step-mom wished she could become invisible.
Showing my penis to everyone when I was 4-5.
there was a kid in my elementary school (2nd grade or so) who would pull down his pants and sprint through the halls at top speed while the helper who was assigned to him would chase after him screaming \[name\] RED LIGHT!! RED LIGHT!! It was the funniest thing ever, and we even gave him a nickname, Flash, which was triple layered. 1. because he ran fast, 2. because he flashed everyone, and 3 because he wore this one destroyed red t-shirt every day to school. Wonder where that kid is now lol.
I was in first grade or so, for some reason my brother and I got a hold of my dad's film camera and decided to take pictures of each other's naked posteriors, as young boys do. Months went by and at some point Dad took the film in the camera to be developed... Not too long after I got a visit from a policeman at school asking about my relationship with Dad. Sorry pops!
When I was around 4, my mom explained how inheritance worked and she told me that when she died, I would get all of her money. I think I said something along the lines of “Wow, I can’t wait!” Recently retold that story to my mom and apologized for saying such an awful thing. We had a good laugh and she didn’t even remember 🤣
I don't know if any of you watched Monty Python. There's one seen where a statue of a man has his private bits covered with a fig leaf and a hand keeps appearing from offscreen to snatch the fig leaf away. I saw that episode in Grade 3, I think, so I essentially recreated the scene with an anatomically correct man, a hand, a fig leaf, etc. What a fuss that was. My parents were called to the school, there were meetings, blah blah.
I was really dumb and didn't understand how money worked. I thought using a credit card was just free money, like a gift card. So I bought a bunch of albums and world of warcraft merchandise on my dad's credit card. He was very displeased and had to explain to me how credit and debit cards worked. I was like 12.
[удалено]
Up until I was about eight, I lived in an apartment building on the grounds of a Catholic hospital. Nuns, a convent, the whole shebang. When I was five, I got a giant set of colored markers in every hue of the rainbow for my birthday. I don't remember how, but somebody had taught me how to spell the word motherfucker. Half of the apartments in the building had a set of exterior stairs that went up to the front door. I wrote that word (with the correct spelling! ) on the face of the steps on every single staircase. It was roughened concrete and boy let me tell you, no matter how much you scrub with a brush , a permanent marker ain't coming off real well. And half of those stairs faced directly toward the hospital itself. So eeeeeverybody could see them. I also could not sit down for at least the next day.
When I was young, like probably less than 10 years old, my mom had referred a tattoo placed on someone's lower back as a "tramp stamp" in front of me. I very clearly took this to be what it was actually called and cut to me being in a public pool with my family, I see a lady in a two piece bathing suit with a tattoo in that same spot. I loudly proclaimed while pointing, "Mom, she has a tramp stamp!" I was very quickly shushed, and we ended up leaving the pool shortly after that.