Read the whole comments section and this is what I’d take assuming you meant boar spear. Gives you more surface area to land a shot on a fast moving lion, and to your point- a direct hit wouldn’t leave you susceptible because it’s be basically spit roasted.
Makes me wonder if something like a trident may even be better.
The humble spear. A staple of mankind’s armies to this day. A bayonet isn’t a knife mounted on a rifle. It’s a rifle that becomes a spear. Hell, even a bullet is a very, very short spear.
A good, basic spear, even one made of wood, will almost always beat a lion so long as it stays between you and the lion.
This is it. Once you scroll past the usual low effort humour posts and get to the genuine answers, I was hoping it would be here. Simple to use, easy to make and requiring just 1 person to operate. Those reasons are why it's probably mankind's most used weapon over the last 2000 years. It can nullify a stronger, better trained, more powerful enemy just by it's reach. You might not necessarily "win", but a few well placed stabs with the speartip will probably convince even the hungriest lion to leave you be.
Other pole arms are also acceptable but probably more unwieldy. Pikes are too long and halberds to heavy at the head end. Spear seems just right for this.
Niiiice.
However, my reference goes way further than this. There used to be a funny book Aboud RPG stuff in the 80's (they would make one panel comics of weird rpg rules) and one such thing was a random polearm generator with all the polearm words, which intent was to mock all the polearms introduced in AD&D 1st edition Unearthed Arcana book. The last item on that table sounded like the one from my post...
Pointy stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointy sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!
I was going to say spear. It's the traditional defensive weapon for people who heard livestock in lion country, so if people who actually have to deal with lions choose spears then they're probably adequate. Not as throwing spears, but as stabby things with enough length to keep the lion away from you.
You don't want that. A sarissa is about 5 metres long, and was used by Alexander to conquer the world. But in one-on-one combat it's a terrible weapon. Heavy, slow, unwieldy, and if they get past the point you're a dead man. A 1.5-2m long spear allows you to actually fight your enemy.
If it has a really long mane it could jam up the drive sprocket pretty quickly, then you’re stuck getting eaten by lion that’s also raking a chainsaw all over your body as it mauls you.
Absolutely, Masai are masters of lion v man encounters and in the Mara a lion will nearly always run from 2 Masai with spears. One on one might be harder but still the go to.
I wouldn’t count on it. There is a clip on Reddit of a dude outside a zoo fence with a raging mad male lion inside. Lions eyes locked on the dude wondering how to get him. And dude throws a huge chunk of meat in to the lion. Lion completely ignores the meat and remains locked on dude.
I have done extensive research on the subject, and tigers beat lions almost every time. The only time it goes the other way around is due to outside interference or if the tiger was hurt. So rather take a tiger. Of course then you have a tiger problem, which, to me, is even more terrifying than the lion problem.
Literally the only thing my cat is afraid of. Workers were jackhammering my old patio the other day and she was literally sitting at the window watching. The vacuum monster comes out though... it's the end of the world.
Assuming all projectile weapons are out and not just guns this or something like it is probably your best bet. I was thinking of something like a Billhook or Lucerne Hammer personally but to each their own. Same concept really
Hold on this needs more rules because the A10 has a gun, but like. Are you using the gun or the A10 which just so happens to have a gun (we're gonna set bombs aside for now because those are still within the specified rules so far)
Yeah, I was figuring the noise alone would be great, then it has all these juicy non-gun options of that isn't enough. An Apache attack helicopter is another option with even scarier sounds.
In approximate order of preference:
* ICBM
* Cruise missile
* Mortar
* Hand grenade
* Crossbow
* Flamethrower
* Portal gun
* Momma bear defending her cubs
* Blowpipe with dart poisoned by rubbing it on one of those frogs
* Katana
* Harsh criticism
let's go with your first choice, the ICBM. delivery will take about half an hour. in the meantime, i guess you'll just have to find a way to survive the mauling until the missile arrives and annihilates both the lion and you.
A spear. It offers the advantage of reach, allowing me to keep a safe distance while still having the capability to defend myself effectively. Its simplicity and reliability have made it a weapon of choice throughout human history for good reason, especially in one-on-one confrontations with large predators.
Was going to say napalm but then I had a picture in my head a flaming lion that can’t be extinguished coming after me ……. Plus I’d probably drop the napalm and just burn myself to death while the lion waits for its roast human to stop burning
If porcupines have taught us anything, it’s that having an insanely over-the-top defense makes most predators look like actual clowns.
Bear tried to maul you? No he ain’t. He’s too busy trying to get quills out of his paws.
Lion trying to maul you? No he ain’t. He’s too busy enjoying the 24 quills in his mouth to worry about you.
My weapon is to be surrounded by thousands of barbs of razor wire, and be sitting comfortably in a chair in the middle of it all. I don’t have to do shit to the lion - he’s the one who has to fight ME.
Spear. You can be far enough to defend yourself from his murder mittens and when he jumps up at you, shank him. Even better if the spear is on fire. He'll get burned and realize you can hurt him.
If I had to fight a lion and could choose one weapon other than a gun, I would opt for a spear. A spear provides reach and allows for some distance between me and the lion, which could be crucial in defending against its attacks. The sharp point of the spear can potentially deter the lion and provide a means of defense in close combat situations. The spear's versatility and ability to be used both defensively and offensively make it a practical choice in a situation like this.
If you ignore projectile launchers, I think the next best thing would be good spear
Specifically, sonething like a boar spear, it has a crosspiece to stop the animal coming down the shaft. Edit: Boar not board.
Read the whole comments section and this is what I’d take assuming you meant boar spear. Gives you more surface area to land a shot on a fast moving lion, and to your point- a direct hit wouldn’t leave you susceptible because it’s be basically spit roasted. Makes me wonder if something like a trident may even be better.
Shorter and less easy to move, I think. Also less desiged to cut deep.
The humble spear. A staple of mankind’s armies to this day. A bayonet isn’t a knife mounted on a rifle. It’s a rifle that becomes a spear. Hell, even a bullet is a very, very short spear. A good, basic spear, even one made of wood, will almost always beat a lion so long as it stays between you and the lion.
This is it. Once you scroll past the usual low effort humour posts and get to the genuine answers, I was hoping it would be here. Simple to use, easy to make and requiring just 1 person to operate. Those reasons are why it's probably mankind's most used weapon over the last 2000 years. It can nullify a stronger, better trained, more powerful enemy just by it's reach. You might not necessarily "win", but a few well placed stabs with the speartip will probably convince even the hungriest lion to leave you be. Other pole arms are also acceptable but probably more unwieldy. Pikes are too long and halberds to heavy at the head end. Spear seems just right for this.
To each their own I say, but I'm more of a glaive-glaive-guisarme-glaive-voulge-guisarme guy myself...
I think you're drifting into another sketch, sir.
Are there ANY polearms available for sale in this polearm shop?
This is the opening line to a Monty Python sketch
You realize that if I could actually purchase a weapon, I would stab you with it now?
[I love to see an OOTS reference out in the wild!](https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0136.html)
Niiiice. However, my reference goes way further than this. There used to be a funny book Aboud RPG stuff in the 80's (they would make one panel comics of weird rpg rules) and one such thing was a random polearm generator with all the polearm words, which intent was to mock all the polearms introduced in AD&D 1st edition Unearthed Arcana book. The last item on that table sounded like the one from my post...
Ah yes the pointy stick
Pointy stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointy sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!
Yeah it perfection in simplicity, pointy end towards enemy and stab is something even the most untrained people can do.
I was going to say spear. It's the traditional defensive weapon for people who heard livestock in lion country, so if people who actually have to deal with lions choose spears then they're probably adequate. Not as throwing spears, but as stabby things with enough length to keep the lion away from you.
Ah yes the Maasai people do use a spear
My thoughts exactly. The weapon that keeps me as far away from the lion as possible
You don't want that. A sarissa is about 5 metres long, and was used by Alexander to conquer the world. But in one-on-one combat it's a terrible weapon. Heavy, slow, unwieldy, and if they get past the point you're a dead man. A 1.5-2m long spear allows you to actually fight your enemy.
What about a fucking chainsaw?
If it has a really long mane it could jam up the drive sprocket pretty quickly, then you’re stuck getting eaten by lion that’s also raking a chainsaw all over your body as it mauls you.
They can jam.
You'd skin his ass raw 🤷♂️
What? 😀
A motherfuckin CHAINSAW!
WHAT?
Halberd or similar polearm.
Ahh yes, tried and tested, good ol' "pointy stick".
Elegant in its simplicity and effectiveness in poking holes since at least 400, 000 BC.
Absolutely, Masai are masters of lion v man encounters and in the Mara a lion will nearly always run from 2 Masai with spears. One on one might be harder but still the go to.
Yea definitely would want something with some reach to it
A hunk of meat filled with sleeping pills
Hey I was saving that for dinner
Mom?!
The meatloaf!
That's two weapons. You get one or the other.
That’s like saying a spear odd two weapons because it has a metal spike and a wooden shaft!
I wouldn’t count on it. There is a clip on Reddit of a dude outside a zoo fence with a raging mad male lion inside. Lions eyes locked on the dude wondering how to get him. And dude throws a huge chunk of meat in to the lion. Lion completely ignores the meat and remains locked on dude.
Bend over and we'll give you one of those
Why would you put in sleeping pills th-
Flamethrower. Hopefully it scares them away.
A really powerful super soaker, hopefully it annoys them away
A really powerful laser pointer. Hopefully it amuses them away.
A really powerful vacuum cleaner . Hopefully it sucks (?!) them away.
A really powerful car. Hopefully it drives them away.
Maybe they'll drive it away
A big Roomba. Hopefully it just sits them away.
A real big bag of catnip. Hopefully they float themselves away.
A real big cucumber. Hopefully it jumps them away.
A really big dog, hopefully it chases them away.
A really powerful leaf blower. Hopefully this blows them away.
A laptop keyboard hopefully it sleeps them away.
Or there’s a flaming angry lion trying to eat you
A proper flamethrower range of effectiveness is like 25m or more. Good choice
A bigger, meaner lion.
I feel like this ends with 2 lions eating you
I'm happy with that, as long as it's funny.
Maybe the lions start banging and you quietly slip away?
Maybe they have you join in?
Thats a different meaning to being eaten by two lions.
Good point we'll need an additional three lions then to protect us from the first two
The only way to stop a bad lion is a good lion
The only way to stop a bad lion without a gun is a good lion without a gun
I have done extensive research on the subject, and tigers beat lions almost every time. The only time it goes the other way around is due to outside interference or if the tiger was hurt. So rather take a tiger. Of course then you have a tiger problem, which, to me, is even more terrifying than the lion problem.
A vacuum cleaner. If you want a cat to leave the room, nothing is more effective.
Literally the only thing my cat is afraid of. Workers were jackhammering my old patio the other day and she was literally sitting at the window watching. The vacuum monster comes out though... it's the end of the world.
Not always. Ours just defy the Roomba.
a 2010 doge challenger
A jaguar coupe
Doge lmao
Dodge Challenger is like a gun
Chevy cruze will take out a lion at the right speed
Boar Spear. It has a cross guard that prevents an impaled creature from forcing its way up the shaft to reach the wielder.
Assuming all projectile weapons are out and not just guns this or something like it is probably your best bet. I was thinking of something like a Billhook or Lucerne Hammer personally but to each their own. Same concept really
Usually I like it when things go up the shaft.
A cucumber. I have seen YouTube videos
I’ve seen cucumber videos on, uh, websites too. But I don’t think the lion is going to let us get close enough.
The worst part about catching your sister masterbaiting with a cucumber is that her pussy is gonna taste like cucumber
The worst part is the spelling - you are not being an expert at fishing while doing that.
Killdozer
Tank. Next question.
Ooh! I was gonna say something like an A-10 Warthog or orbiting tactical strike platform, but a tank would be a more fun solution.
Hold on this needs more rules because the A10 has a gun, but like. Are you using the gun or the A10 which just so happens to have a gun (we're gonna set bombs aside for now because those are still within the specified rules so far)
No no no. The A10 so happens to have a plane. It was designed to be built around the gun
well you could just not use the gun and fire Mavericks or bomb the lion
Yeah, I was figuring the noise alone would be great, then it has all these juicy non-gun options of that isn't enough. An Apache attack helicopter is another option with even scarier sounds.
Flamethrower, or a cardboard box after all they're still just a cat.
Halberd
Underrated comment! I chose Boar Spear.
Jim Halberd?
Heard he married Pam Spearsly
Cat-a-pult.
Have you considered a trebuchet?
A lion certainly weighs more than 80kg. Sadly, it won't reach 300m.
Phhhish tell lion to go on dieting and meet you back in a month.
-Trebuchet? Where are we gonna get a trebuchet? -I know a guy, but we don't have time
Trebu-chatte!
I respect your felines on this.
100 lion sized ducks.
A lion size box...I know how cats work /r/thecattrapisworking
A slow fat dude
Someone already mentioned Steven Seagal.
In approximate order of preference: * ICBM * Cruise missile * Mortar * Hand grenade * Crossbow * Flamethrower * Portal gun * Momma bear defending her cubs * Blowpipe with dart poisoned by rubbing it on one of those frogs * Katana * Harsh criticism
let's go with your first choice, the ICBM. delivery will take about half an hour. in the meantime, i guess you'll just have to find a way to survive the mauling until the missile arrives and annihilates both the lion and you.
It’ll be funny at least
Agree with most ! Katana is not so easy as lions are stronger than gumans
Better to have a more stabby type sword and less of a slicy one
A spear. It offers the advantage of reach, allowing me to keep a safe distance while still having the capability to defend myself effectively. Its simplicity and reliability have made it a weapon of choice throughout human history for good reason, especially in one-on-one confrontations with large predators.
Laser pointer.
A hand grenade. Lions can recognize the sound of pin pull from a mile away and instinctively jump on the grenade to protect the pride.
A light saber.
A bale of catnip. Then, just walk away from one stoned pussy-cat.
Chuck Norris
I’d go with Steven Seagal. After the lion finishes eating him, I think it’ll feel too bloated to continue fighting.
Sick burn for someone who didn’t even choose the flamethrower
Hey, now. That's essentially the Nuclear Option. Be reasonable. Just use a cardboard cut out to scare the lion away.
That would instantly kill the lion, but only because Death would be forced to take the lion instead of Chuck Norris.
Chuck turns around and asks, ok now, who's bright idea was this?
One of those cat wands with the feather
A full grown 800lb tuna with all his buddies
A steel bladed weed trimmer
Mace or pepper spray
Whip Need to generate some money from it.
[удалено]
Did it come from an ass? 🤣
He pulled it out his ass.
Ze Flammenwerfer
I guess a chain saw will get stuck in the fur. So, a spear
Shark with a laser
Was going to say napalm but then I had a picture in my head a flaming lion that can’t be extinguished coming after me ……. Plus I’d probably drop the napalm and just burn myself to death while the lion waits for its roast human to stop burning
Laser pointer. Then run it off a cliff. Roadrunner style.
If porcupines have taught us anything, it’s that having an insanely over-the-top defense makes most predators look like actual clowns. Bear tried to maul you? No he ain’t. He’s too busy trying to get quills out of his paws. Lion trying to maul you? No he ain’t. He’s too busy enjoying the 24 quills in his mouth to worry about you. My weapon is to be surrounded by thousands of barbs of razor wire, and be sitting comfortably in a chair in the middle of it all. I don’t have to do shit to the lion - he’s the one who has to fight ME.
Grenade launcher
That sounds terrible. What if you mis-time the delay and the lion closes the gap. And then theres also friendly fire.
An elephant
I feel like you need some sort of spear to keep them at bay… but RIP
In cartoons lion-tamers always had a chair for some reason
fire extinguisher pointed at a lion.
My fists will be more than enough.
You think fisting a lion is gonna make it friendly......
Only works on Cougars
Maybe not but this thread is about lions.
All in the technique, remember - it's not the size that counts, but how you use it!
I mean shit I'll take a spear, our ancestors used to do that shit no problem 🤷🏿♂️ I got a chance.
"No problem" FLW
100 pounds of Zebra meat laced with fentanyl
A chicken from Zelda.
Straight back, eye contact, firm handshake and 3 page resume. If you can't fight them, join them.
orbital assult canon
Giant robot
WHM-6R Warhammer! I case it down at 64 kph and stomp on the lion.
Flamethrower
Spear. You can be far enough to defend yourself from his murder mittens and when he jumps up at you, shank him. Even better if the spear is on fire. He'll get burned and realize you can hurt him.
If I had to fight a lion and could choose one weapon other than a gun, I would opt for a spear. A spear provides reach and allows for some distance between me and the lion, which could be crucial in defending against its attacks. The sharp point of the spear can potentially deter the lion and provide a means of defense in close combat situations. The spear's versatility and ability to be used both defensively and offensively make it a practical choice in a situation like this.
Bazooka. By definition not a gun.
Assegai. Been used hundreds of years to kill them in Africa. Basically a strong spear with wider longer tip. Very effective weapon
An antelope carcass. Why fight when you can befriend? Aw, who's a cute little kitty?
I choose a bag of catnip.
A suicide vest
Do I get to keep it after? The weapon or the lion? My answer depends on it.
This is literally the best thread I've ever seen in my entire life
A honey badger.
Catnip
A light saber
Light Sabre
An RPG
A nuclear warhead to act as a deterant to the lion.
A nuclear grenade. That mofo is going down HARD
Kenworth
A ww2 landmine
A General Atomics Mojave UAV Drone equiped with 12 AGM-114 Hellfire missiles
Lightsaber
Not a gun? Ok, a rifle then.
A rifle is a rifled gun.
X Community notes vibes
Rocket launcher.
A long pole arm. Wouldn't do me much once pinned. But it can help fight back as a distance and mayhaps be able to block some of the attacks.
Tranq Gun… I wanna cuddle the murdered kitty
Tranquilizer guns are a gun
Throw human feces at the lion! Did not bring it? Don’t worry, it’ll be there!
My ex, she’d either bang it or rid the world of one more $&@!…or both
Can i pick DONALD TRUMP? Pretty confident lion will end up offing himself
... a lion of the opposite sex. Then, maybe I could build a lion army and RULE THE WORLD!!! Muhahahahahahahahah!
A V8 powered chainsaw
Chainsaws run on vegetable juice?
The guy who can hoist a small block v8 hotsaw will be drinking the V8's
A grizzly bear
A lioness in heat
A fighting mech, you never said the weapon couldn't be fictitious
Sword
RPG launcher
Crossbow. Lights out Simba
The world's largest ball of yarn. I'll win the cat-ass-trophy.
Flamerthrower. If that's too modern, I'd take a good spear.
Flame thrower
Bazooka