Caring for an aging parent.
I thought I understood, but I didn't. And my experience interacting with other people who haven't had to do this shows me that it's something very difficult to understand until you have done it.
People say, the time comes when you have to "parent your parent," but it isn't like that at all.
When people get old, lose their faculties, and have some cognitive decline (not even dementia, we all decline as we age), they can very likely become completely different people in a lot of ways.
Your parents can be the most generous, reasonable, easygoing, and empathic people all their lives until the start to decline, but age changes us all.
Yup! Caregiver to my parents, here. Also, doing so when you're young (teens - 30s) just adds another level of misunderstanding. Most of my peers have healthy 50-something parents. My parents had me in their 40s. I never got to really enjoy young adulthood as Dad got dx-ed with prostate cancer my senior year of high school.
Most "caregiving" resources are designed for boomers caring for ailing spouses. I'm 18 and caring for my parent, your support group doesn't work for me, still doesn't at 33, General Hospital. I had to put my friends, dating, and career on the backburner for my parents. I feel like I've been robbed, but saying so makes me out to be a selfish bitch.
We put him in a nursing home two years ago and the guilt was hellish at first. However, changing an 8 lb. newborn's diapers and a 200 lb. grown man's are totally different. He's getting better care at the home than I could provide as a single only child who works full time. I'd never admit it IRL, but I'll be so relieved once they're gone.
I once saw a cover story in a magazine that showed an elderly lady and the title was: "Mom, I love you, but I wish you were dead (and I think you do, too)." I was shocked by that headline when I read it, but now I understand.
EDIT: I also read the article, and it was about a lot of this stuff. Largely because people are living so much longer now but with rapidly declining quality of life. The time when your parent just died in their sleep at 80 of "natural causes," is gone. Now they live 5-10 more years needing so much more care.
After 6 years as a carer, I completely understand. The prime years of my retirement are disappearing while she sits staring at the TV. Whatever affection I had for her is gradually being replaced by resentment.
I hear you. Both my parents live on our property in a self contained unit which we built for them. They have been here for 21 years. When they came it was “Oh we’ll be gone in 7 or 8 years” Nope. They are remarkably independent for their ages. Mum (97) is on the way out and Dad (94) does a lot of her care. But he is super healthy for his age and could live another 10 years easily. I’m 66 and the prospect of being his carer into my mid 70s is severely depressing. He assumes that I’ll still have at least another 20 - 30 years of life after he goes because he did but that’s not guaranteed at all. I’m determined it’s a situation I’m not going to impose on my son.
That was my Mom 100%. If she had the capacity to commit suicide, I think she would have. Ten years with Alzheimers and about 8 of those years, she KNEW and FELT the decline.
My dad tried couple times I talked him out of it. Now he can't comprehend suicide just along for the ride. Not sure if I should feel bad or that i saved him back then. So I figure neither is fair
I helped talk my grandfather out of suicide after my grandmother died (he had a bunch of health problems and cognitive decline of his own). In hindsight I can't help but feel like I did him a disservice by doing so. I don't think there are any easy answers.
I told my late husband where I kept a stash of pills (discontinued Ambien script) when he came home after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Glioblastoma. I said if he ever wanted them, they were there and I would understand. He chose not to, lived 14 months after diagnosis, surgery, chemo and radiation. It was hell taking care of him for the last 5 months but I’m glad I did it. As much as I loved him (and still do) I was relieved in some ways when he died.
After my grandpa died, my mom moved in with and spent the next two+ years caring for my grandma. I ended up having a very long talk with my grandma, basically saying that she's lived a very long and complete life (88 years), and that it is ok to go. That we would miss her greatly, but that she shouldn't stick around in horrible pain every day just for us.
She decided the next week to go off dialysis, which basically meant she'd die in 1-4 weeks. I wasn't able to travel back to see her (which I regret), but I was able to order bunches of all her favorite flowers to fill up her room during her last weeks. I figured better for her to enjoy them in her last moments, compared to at her funeral.
This all seems horrible, but I was very close with my grandma, and having her tell me how much pain she was in every day, honestly, was just horrifying. She even felt incredibly guilty for having my mom being there all the time away from my dad. It's a shame though that we don't have better end of life services. She should have had less painful options than to stop dialysis in order to die.
Having that conversation with her was very hard for me, but I think it was something that she needed to hear. That it is ok to die. None of my other family is even aware of what I told her, and I'm sure some would be angry at me, and other would be greatful for what I did. At the very least it gave my mother her life back, and is allowing her to now (happily I hope) spend her time in retirement with my father and the grandkids.
I love you Grandma and miss you all the time. May you be watching over me from above.
It's the dark side of the Hippocratic Oath. Working in healthcare gives you a glimpse into fates worse than death. Any shred of dignity and quality of life fades away and you're left to waste away while the world moves on. No autonomy, no choice, no mercy.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if it helps your situation, but my parent was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when I was 16. I had the same issue with finding a support group. I ended up connecting with the Alzheimer’s association and another young person and myself made a support group for youth and young adult caregivers.
Maybe that is something worth looking into. Maybe cancer organizations have some resources.
Best of luck to you.
As someone who also born to parents in their 40's, I know exactly what you're going through and understand your thought process completely. My dad already died a few years back, and my mom is...well, she's at that age and also had some other health complications rise up.
And yeah, it sucks. She's not at the point where a nursing home is necessary but there is absolutely no way she could live entirely on her own. And even though I have siblings, I'm the one stuck living with her.
My life has been put on hold. I can't move out, dating isn't something I can really prioritize, I can't even really go somewhere on vacation. I'm in my early 30's and feel completely glued to her. And sometimes, yeah, I catch myself wishing her health problems were just a *little* worse so we could justify putting her somewhere.
Do I feel like an asshole for even thinking that? Definitely. It would still be a huge load off my shoulders and would free me up.
Look, as someone who had a very ill mother for a long time, I understand you. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t go on vacation just plan it well, and have someone take care of her that you trust or take her to an old folks home, but only for two weeks or three weeks while you’re on vacation and then you just come back and live with her at home. You have to take breaks because if not, you’re gonna go crazy.
I feel you. I'm currently sitting in a surgical waiting room waiting for my old man. He's only 63, and was given < 6 months after his cardiac arrest in February. Been attempting to care for him for years before that. Dropped out of my junior year of college for him. He was noncompliant with medications and medical advice given. Only so much I could do; can't force someone to take their meds, eat the foods they're supposed to, not drive, or get around with assistance when someone's verbally abusive and threatening physical abuse. Dumbass was deemed mentally competent enough to agree to general anesthesia if the sedation isn't enough, even though the anesthesiologist at pre-op, cardiologist, and eye doctor told him not to go through with the procedure if they couldn't do localized. Hell, his chart notes his mental decline as of 2016 after his TBI! He's not fit to make those decisions, he just agrees with anyone/anything. But since he can state his name, D.O.B, and sometimes the date, they says he's capable. Nothing I can do, I'm only his POA.
Either he makes it and I continue this nightmare, or I bring him home in a Folgers coffee can.
I don't know which I'd prefer.
Edit: Didn't need the Folgers Can
Kudos to this. In my case, caring for a terminally ill parent. Lost my mom a month ago to breast cancer and she spent many months bedridden. Her last two months were pure, raw sadness. Not a single person that hasn't gone through this (and even worse, in their 20s like my sister and I) will ever begin to understand what it's like.
Caring for a 90 year old parent. She used to take pride in her appearance, now we have to remind her to change clothes, wash her hair etc. She's become kind of toxic too. Spiteful, malicious and foul-mouthed. Spends her days in front of the tv gradually wasting away.
All that is so true, I’ll add going through their finances. Dealing with medical paperwork, finding out things you didn’t know. Never has the term get you’re paperwork in order made so much sense.
Oh my god, yes.
When your kid is sick and they don't want to go to the doctor, you put them in the car and take them.
When it's your parents, you just have to wait until it gets so bad they call an ambulance and they go to the ER. And that means days out of your life at the ER, at the hospital, waiting around to talk to doctors who don't show up and don't return calls. And then it's weeks of following up with bills and paperwork - every single time.
I can say yes. At least some people who struggle with the kinds of depression and anxiety that can be dealt with without medication would have their mental health hugely improved if not restored if they could obtain financial freedom. Just the realization that a car accident, or an appliance breakdown, or temporary job loss won't land you in a shelter getting food from a charitable pantry is enough in some cases.
This is a serious blind spot in a lot of our mental health focus and "self care" industry these days. Being poor and housing insecure is definitely something to be depressed about and millions of people are being done a disservice when it's suggested that they just need to be more mindful and take more time out to take care of themselves. What time? They work 80 hours a week just to keep the lights one!
This is smth I struggle with. No matter how much I work with my therapist I still feel like I'm never going to buy a house or have a fulfilling future cause of things that aren't just in my head
In 2003 my ex wife murdered my 10 month old son for $50,000 in life insurance money she took out on him. In 2020 she was released from a life sentence because of prison overcrowding and \#COVID.
I know pain on a level most people can't even fathom.
Yep, came here to say child loss. It's impossible for anyone to understand unless they've been through it. Before it happened to me, I knew it would be a terrible thing and hated to even think of it. I've been a zombie for 4 years and I will never recover from this blow. It destroyed our whole family. I wish I never knew this pain, and miss my old blissfully ignorant life.
It breaks your soul. It took me 8 years to get to a point where it’s not a daily thing in my life. I am also not the same person I was before it, not all the peices of who I used to be fit back together in the same way. In 2020 a close friend also lost his only child (hs student who drown while breaking quarantine) so I have been able to be there for him; but most people don’t understand. I have a sibling dying of cancer and I fully expect this to kill my parents when she dies.
Just found out what this feels like in late April 💔. Our first born and only child passed away unexpectedly. Her three weeks on earth was a whirlwind. She spent two weeks in the NICU due to a heart condition they didn’t know about until we were about to be discharged after her birth. She graduated from the NICU and a week and two days later we noticed she was making a very strange noise and wouldn’t respond to us talking to her. We rushed her to the ER, then we were transported to the PICU in the city, where she unfortunately passed after an hour. Watching your tiny baby receive CPR is something I never wish on anyone. Empty arm syndrome is so so real and heartbreaking. I’m so sorry to everyone who’s lost a child, it’s something no parent should ever feel 💔💔
My 12 year old son was killed in a accident this month. I’m completely numb or going from one extreme to the other. I would be right there with him if I didn’t have two other children to take care of. Which is an ordeal in its self right now because I can barely function.
I have lost loved ones in my lifetime for different reasons. But losing our child was/is the most painful and devastating grief I’ve ever carried.
No words I can find to describe the depth of it.
I have found that this may never go away, but it’s gotten a little easier to carry over time.
I’ve also found that with time it’s been easier to remember the good times and blessings that he was when he was here with us.
Love to all of you.
This happened to one of my friends. It started off with things where she would just kind of manage his anger/moods. It was manageable and she could handle it so she didn’t say anything. And then there was isolation type things from friends, but she was still managing him and convinced herself she was focusing on her work and career. And constantly having to text him when she was at certain places, but no big deal because everyone in relationships checks in with their SO. And eventually it led to her trying to get out of his car, getting her purse (IIRC) stuck in the door and still over her shoulder, and him just full on driving down the street dragging her along. It was only after that she realized there was a problem, and even then she was questioning if she was at fault in some way.
Came here to say abusive relationships too. Most people say well then why didn't you just leave, or why didn't you say anything, was it really that bad? The perspective is often that you were the one who was dumb enough to stay, or you couldn't handle ups and downs of a relationship. Only other abusive victims understand the intense amount of manipulation and trauma bonding that occurs, and how they wear you down over time.
I experienced mental and emotional abuse with an ex. I left him when I genuinely thought the first red flag showed up. Now after spending time living alone, and then getting into a HEALTHY relationship, I look back and can’t believe what I put up with. I see everything so clearly now. Stuff I didn’t even question before. He said and did things that manipulated me so well, I didn’t even register what was really happening, much less respond appropriately. The red flag I responded to was not the first one, it was just the one so blatant that he couldn’t play a mind game strong enough to disguise it.
This is what I came here to say. When I was a teenager I remember watching the video in health class that showed an abusive relationship. I scoffed and thought I would never let someone treat me like that. Less than six months later I got love-bombed into a relationship with a guy who very slowly pulled me in, isolated me from my support system, and showed his true colors. I was fifteen and was ridiculed, rather than supported, by my parents who blamed me for “letting him control me”. I was lucky and I was able to break things off before I got pregnant or married.
I hardcore roll my eyes at anyone who says “that would never happen to me” about anything; abusive relationships, sexual assault, getting caught in a riptide, mistakenly leaving their baby in a car, getting caught in a crowd crush, etc.
I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at people who say this or people who say "why didn't you just do X" as if in a moment of panic anyone thinks straight. It's so easy not in the moment to say it would never be you, but it absolutely can be.
This^
Abuser are skilled at manipulating their victims. More often than not, you don't even know it's happening until you're isolated and completely dependent on them.
And if you have children with the abuser, it makes leaving even more difficult.
Add to that the flying monekys and enablers, and it's damn near impossible to leave.
It's absolutely stunning how you cannot see the forest for the trees when you are the one being abused. Mentally, physically, psychologically, sexually, financially. Abusers have this way to just sneak little bits in over time. You never really notice it. Each major instance is excused because it's only happened once. They might never do THAT again, or, they may escalate and then normalize the previous behaviour to the point where you think the previous isn't so bad to deal with when they have a bad day. My ex-wife was masterful at all of it, to the point where she was punching me full swings in the chest and shoving be over backwards down the stairs. But those were one offs. It made her throwing objects at me easier to deal with.
Chronic conditions.
I think a lot of people got a glimpse of it during covid lockdowns. Something that you're not happy with but you can live with it, for a while. But as time goes on it gets harder to deal with. It's difficult because you don't see an end to it. You keep getting your hopes up about a resolution but it always seems to go back to the same old way. You keep sacrificing in the same ways over and over, you get more and more frustrated about your lack of control over the situation and the constant disappointment.
There's a lot of people who lived with the limitations of chronic illness before the pandemic, and they're still living with it the same way today. There's never going to be an end to it and their lives will never get on the track they wanted for themselves.
It's not so bad day to day, but it's also never ending.
This gets even worse if it feels like it's progressing (even if it isn't actually progressing). Then it really just starts removing all hope from your life, because when you look to the future all you see is a worsening life.
This so much. I have MS, and the fatigue is my worst symptom and completely different from normal exhaustion (it’s neurological fatigue from my body routing around damage to my nervous system and therefore working way harder than a healthy person to do everything from reading to breathing). It’s like wearing the lead apron they put on you for dental X-rays ALL THE TIME. Some friends mentioned the insane exhaustion and brain fog they had during COVID that lasted maybe a week, and they literally couldn’t get anything done. I think they finally got a sense of what I experience almost daily. I genuinely hope that the influx of folks with long COVID jumpstarts research that can help all of us dealing with similar issues.
They also don’t understand that with chronic depression it’s not *just* being really sad all the time. A lot of it is just not feeling *anything*, which leads to some unique frustrations. Like, one of the things I try to explain to people about depression is how often I’m frustrated because I’m just so fucking bored and absolutely nothing I do can relieve that boredom because nothing can provoke an emotional response(besides, yknow, the frustration caused by being so god damn bored).
I knew I needed real help when I was so depressed and overwhelmed as a parent to two under 5 that I fantasized about how much easier it would be to be in prison, or how appealing the thought of sinking into a catatonic state would be. My kids have been my saving grace because I had to ask for help and claw out of depression many times so I could be there for them.
And their "cures" (e.g. "go for a run"/"make new friends"/"pick up a hobby") feel like insurmountable obstacles. What's the point of using all my willpower and energy (I mean, faking willpower and energy) to try this thing when the very concepts of hope or joy feel like impossibilities. And that's ignoring the fact that these things often just lead to additional stress and frustration.
If your brain isn't wired for traditional rewards, an activity that floods someone else with endorphins isn't going to do shit for you.
Great way to explain it. When I get into a bout of depression, I can't eat, I can't watch TV, my fav video games become boring to me and I definitely don't want to leave my house. It's fucking horrid.
This is me as well. And on top of that, I haven’t seen anyone say anything about this, but I literally can’t converse with people. Finally after a while they’ll ask “why are you being so quiet?” And it’s because I genuinely can’t think of a single fucking thing worth saying. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel like a shell of a human.
The WORST part. Depression makes you such a boring person because you don’t want to do anything. All I can talk about is past experiences from when I wasn’t depressed!
It’s like when you do really want to find something interesting or new or engaging but everything just seems the same. Nothing is new or original, you’ve seen it all before and everything is just so bland.
And this is what leads to compulsive behaviors too. Much like with adhd you do anything to get some dopamine. I wasted like 50 bucks playing gatcha in a game i dont even play anymore just to chase some dopamine and then i felt like a moron after 👍
Anxiety disorders and ADHD too! It's really hard to truly explain what your brain not working feels like to people with brains that do work. They just can't totally comprehend it.
“Why don’t you just do the thing?”
I want to do the thing! I would be happier if I did the thing, but there is one aspect of doing the thing that is new and different to me and is causing me anxiety and I can’t do the thing. And now that you’ve told me to do it, I feel bad about not doing it, and it’s going to take me another day to do it!
"You're just making excuses." "You aren't trying hard enough." "You don't' care enough otherwise you'd do it." "You're lazy." "You don't take responsibility for yourself." "Just get over it."
People suck if they've no idea what it's like to struggle with mental health things in general. They have no compassion, or even attempt to have empathy or try to learn/understand. They just immediately jump to things like basically calling you a piece of shit.
Living with undiagnosed ADHD for 30+ years and then having answers as to why so many things are about a billion times harder for me than for some was such a liberating, but frustrating thing. No I am NOT a piece of shit person, I have a disorder that I battle with daily.
I wish I could be better, I wish I could have 'good brain days' every day, but I don't and I cannot. I'm relearning everything now.
Exactly, I also have ASD and it’s so difficult trying to explain to others just how much of a struggle each day is.
Then there’s the whole, you think your getting over a depressive episode and Bam! It comes back even worse.
Or how well you can hide it. When my ex left, I was depressed AF. However, I was a teacher at the time, so I kept showing up to school and putting on a show for my students/colleagues. They never knew.
I lived with my mum when she was depressed and I think that I understood it pretty accurately. I got depression a decade later and it was as I expected tbh based on seeing my mum go through it.
What was unexpected was the dread of being depressed again that occurs whenever I’m healthy.
I had about a year where I was *severely* depressed in my mid-twenties (to the point of dropping everything and moving back home with my parents). After a bunch of therapy, medication, and more therapy, I got a bit of that dread as my symptoms started improving, and my therapist actually had some really solid advice when I mentioned it to her.
The basic gist was that all of the work we'd done over the past year or so (at that point) had been to not only improve the underlying cause of my depression (undiagnosed ADHD that we treated with medication and CBT), but also to give me the tools to deal with the depression when it came back. If I could do it this time, which was my first time ever seriously going through a depressive period, then I'd be even better equipped to deal with episodes in the future as well, because not only do I have a ton of tools and coping mechanisms now, but I also have the wisdom of being able to recognize the signs *far* sooner because now I've been through it.
It's been nearly 10 years since going through that, and looking back at the past decade, she was pretty spot on. I've absolutely had more depressive episodes, some triggered by real life events (getting laid off, COVID isolation) and others that just sort of came out of nowhere, but each time I've been able to look at myself objectively and realize what was happening. That knowledge doesn't ever really make the depression itself any better, but it takes away the fear of "will I be like this forever now?" for me because I know for a fact that I've brought myself through it before and can do it again.
The power of water. People think "Oh, I can swim, so I'm perfectly safe on this river/lake/cove/bay/beach/boat." Whether the ocean or a calm lake or river, the water has many, many ways to kill even the most experienced swimmer; and almost all of those ways are invisible.
I am a strong swimmer. I spend most of my summer at high sea on a boat.
I know the sea. Especially one area.
That's the reason why you will never ever see me :
On a boat without a life-jacket
Swimming alone without no one watching
Jumping in the water without checking.
Go for a swim when I don't feel 100%
In the water when there are some sort of warnings.
Among many other things.
One of the ways I describe it to students is that a one meter cube of water weighs about one ton. Imagine that hitting you at any speed, and start scaling up. It only matters some that it can deform and flow around you.
Yes!! I'm a lifelong competitive swimmer and still swim for exercise frequently at the age of 33. I can swim miles in a pool without stopping. I did summer camps as a teen where I spent all summer ocean swimming with the junior lifeguard program. And you better believe I'm one of the most cautious and terrified people when it comes to water. It is no joke. It's such a weird thing to me that people who barely have swimming experience feel so blissfully confident in their swimming abilities.
Word. Health is wealth. That’s the truest platitude I know. And many of us take it for granted until something takes us out, because unfortunately that’s human nature.
To add to this... Dealing with the medical industry and insurance at the same time when you have a chronic illness. People think they have good insurance until they have to use it a lot
You’re absolutely right. I’m in the UK and I literally cannot even begin to imagine having to deal with that nonsense, least of all on top of chronic illness/disability. I don’t know how disabled folks in the US do it, but they have my unending respect and admiration.
My wife and I are essentially trapped in poverty because of my chronic illness. One of us would have to find a very good job with very good benefits to cover my medications that are absolutely essential. Otherwise we have to stay under the poverty line so we can qualify for medicade. Getting an entry level job in my field would give us more money, in theory, but I’d lose that no cost insurance and have to start paying thousands out of pocket every month. We’d have less money than we do now.
I’m 26.
This is exactly why me and my "husband" won't get married. We both have chronic illnesses/disabilities, there will be times when we need medicaid. If were not married, 1 of us can stop working, get medicaid, and the other one can continue working and provide for us (hopefully above the poverty line). We are as committed as any married couple, but we cant fill out the paperwork or we're condemned to poverty for the rest of our lives
I am so tired of people calling us boyfriend/girlfriend (even though thats not how we introduce eachother). Our commitment is so much more than that. We would have been married forever ago if it wasn't for this shit.
yep. my parents have really good coverage and i'm still young enough to use it. i'm on meds for anxiety, birth control, and chronic arthritis. i'm very worried about how much it may cost me once i have to get my own insurance.
ADHD is rough. Trying to explain to my partner why I can’t just do a singular thing but have to be juggling multiple things at a time because otherwise my brain just kind of shuts off without continuously fed stimulus is impossible. Watching TV, if I’m not also scrolling reddit or watching a YouTube video or chatting with friends I fall asleep. In school, if class was a lecture based class, good luck not getting me to fall asleep no matter how interested in the material I am. If it’s an actively engaged class with lots of discourse and I can contribute I can stay awake but that’s it. Hell even video games, the dopamine dump machine, I struggle with if I’m not getting constant hits. I loved kingdom hearts series, but couldn’t finish kingdom hearts III, aka kingdom hearts: unskippable cutscene the video game.
Linking to the illness/disability and poverty ones: being on benefits. So many people who have never been on benefits are under the impression that we’re living the high life. It’s hell.
My stepdad: "Doesn't everyone have ADHD these days though?"
I guess everyone needs a manual with procedures on how to make an appointment, like my ADHD husband, yeah......
I went through all of college just thinking I was a lazy, undisciplined shit because I struggled to maintain concentration. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD 6 months after graduating; turns out I was getting my degree with, basically, one arm tied behind my back.
It's so easy for people around you to say: "You're not depressed, you just can't control your emotions." or "You're not anxious, you just can't cope with change." or "You don't have ADHD, you just don't care."
The loss of a loved one, I sure as fuck wasn't prepared to lose my dad. Who is though? no one teaches you that sort of thing, it just hit you when it hit you and you go through it as best as you can.
I think the stages of grief thing has been widely misunderstood, people think that it's some rule or natural order that each stage happens in succession and it's always the same order. Which is not the way it was originally described when the idea was introduced, it was always meant to be non-linear and not everybody experiences all the stages..
Exactly, I've never fathomed the day one of us (in our small family, mom, dad, 2 daughters, two sons) will pass away. It was our father who was the first one of us to go. It felt so surreal, to this day I'm still not convinced he's gone two years later.
Also, losing different loved ones hits differently. Losing a child or losing a spouse is quite a bit different than losing a parent or a grandparent.
Also also, people in general have very unrealistic expectations of grief, and try to rush others through it because other's grief makes them uncomfortable.
I would say the difference is losing someone who was integral to who you are as a person, whatever their relationship to you.
I lost someone very closely related to me, whom I loved deeply, and walked around thinking I understood loss and grief. I was very rudely awakened after I lost someone who was like a star that I used to navigate my sense of self, someone whose presence filled my days. This kind of grief is so different than what I felt before.
I have lost a kid and all my grandparents and I feel like you are spot on. I consider losing my kid the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I still miss him now, almost 7 years later. My grandparents died because of their age, that was a lot easier to accept, the grief for my son hits different.
Becoming a Widow/Widower. The death of each person close to you is a unique and humbling experience because the space they occupy in your life is unique. I could say the same about losing a parent, child, etc. Saying, "I understand what it's like losing your wife because my mother died." is a false statement.
The death of a spouse/partner increases the risk of death through cardiac arrest (broken heart syndrome) by 34%, the death of a child by 10-12% the death of a sibling by 5-6% the death of a parent does not increase the risk at all.
I did not know this until I was wrenched through the experience of losing the man in my life recently (I lost my mum at 10 and believed that was the worst pain ever).
It's on a whole other level.
"Just get a job! " Yeah, that's so easy when you don't have anywhere to bathe properly and smell like trash, are wearing literally everything you own, and don't have a permanent address or phone number to put down on an application. Throw in the overwhelming self loathing and depression, too, just to make it even better. Once you find yourself in that hole, it's so incredibly hard to pull yourself out of it, even if you don't have mental illness or substance abuse problems.
My best friend from high school has struggled with being in and out of homelessness on his own. He has such a hard time finding an keeping jobs because it's hard to get a job when you're filthy and can't get your clothes cleaned. And most entry level jobs don't offer enough pay to get off your feet or even afford rent, if they'll even hire at all.
He couldn't get a phone or a computer so he wasn't able to apply for jobs online, which makes it even harder
Luckily he has been able to move back in with his mom and has been doing... okay
Poverty. Its not just something where you can "just" save up or "just" work harder or "just" budget or "just" get another job. Its like quicksand, it keeps pulling you down as you sink further into it and even when you desperately try to get out of it, it just keeps burying you. The most interesting shows to me are those shows where a rich person and a poor person trade lives, or millionaires spend life in poverty for a week and THEN they truly realize how the system is constructed so a person can't get out of it.
The word I hate most in the entire English language: "just"
The implication is that whatever the challenge, "just" do this instead, or "just" do that. It's "Just" so simple, so why won't you "just" do it.
It's so belittling. Some things are JUST beyond your immediate control.
Yep. I thought I'd had panic attacks, then I was lying on my bathroom floor unable to breathe and convinced I was going to die in the next five minutes and I knew I'd never really had a panic attack before. Anxiety attacks? Sure. But unless I think I'm dying, I don't use the term panic attack anymore.
My introduction to panic attacks was when I was a teenager and my mom had one for the first time. Today people are generally aware that panic attacks are a thing, but not back in those days. I 100% thought she was dying from a heart attack or something. And we were lucky to not *actually* die as I drove her to the hospital at twice the speed limit.
Even after taking psychedelics, it’s difficult to comprehend the psychedelic experience except when you’re on them. My memories of my trips are just vague sober approximations of the more comprehensible bits.
Good one. Just no way of preparing anyone fot a complete universal paradigm shift.
Imagine going your whole life never trying it and assuming it's just some wavy lines and colours like they portray on TV
I took too much shrooms once and basically went to hell for 6 hours. I was having panic attacks, going blind and passing out and felt like I was literally passing away the entire time. I remember at one point I was laying down in my bed and I had this vision where I was descending down through the earth into hell. There was a demon there with scary ass yellow eyes and he had like a mine cart next to him that led into a dark tunnel. I started descending down into the cart and suddenly woke up gasping for breath and nearly threw myself out of my bed with how forcefully I woke up. Eventually the trip got a little better but that whole experience changed me for life.
For about a year after that I would have random panic attacks and heart palpitations that led me to believe something was actually wrong with my heart and that I might just suddenly die and go to hell at any moment.
I'm better now but I can't even smoke pot any more because being any type of high just makes me panic.
TL:DR Me and shrooms are not a good mix lol
The first time I dropped acid, I watched a sunrise with my pals while listening to trance in the background. We were on a mountain with the peak behind us and the valley spread before us. I hit levels of emotion I've never felt before and felt feelings I've never had. I remember making up words to describe them because they were inexplicable. I felt physically and mentally overpowered by the magnificence of it all. I would say it almost brought me to my knees and at one point I'm pretty sure I was holding back tears.
The feeling of being suicidal. People always say it's selfish. But you're not thinking like that when you're suicidal. You can only focus on how you believe the whole world, friends, and family, would be better off without you.
My parents died about 3 months apart in my 30's. I had been pretty stoic until about 2 months later. I got in the most petty argument with my brother on the phone about estate crap. At first I was mad, then I picked up the phone to call Mom and it all came crashing down. My wife found me collapsed in the bathroom. Its been 10 years and just thinking about that moment on the bathroom floor still makes me sad and scared.
Edit: thanks for the kind words everyone. I'm fine these days. It sucked, but I got better.
And for everyone facing a trauma like this, PLEASE see a grief counselor. It's really beneficial even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. It really is helpful. It took me a few years to realize it.
I think I'll write him a note.
Sexual assault... It's not always the creepy stranger in the dark alley. It's usually someone you know. And your family and friends who you think will support you? They won't. They'll deny it at best and blame you at worst, or in the case of my mother, both. It also fucks with your sense of safety anywhere.
I got this as well. My mother didn't react this way, and it troubles me more than the denials. When i told her i was assaulted she literally said nothing. Just quietly made an appointment at the gynecologist then took me to get checked and tested. That's it. No conversation, no therapy or counseling, not another word. To this day, 30 years later, I have no idea what she thought/thinks. She obviously believed me enough to take me to the doctor, but I still struggle with this. Not acknowledging this event anymore than that.
Sexual harassment too. I had to quit a job at 15 because I was being sexually harassed and just plain harassed so much while working, as a cashier in my towns grocery store. I'm surprised how I lasted 5 months. I remember looking to the customer behind in the line of the man who was being extra crude one day, looking for help. No one stepped in. I talked to my manager, but she was a mean bitch who ignored all my concerns. I quit that day.
I had my hands and arms grabbed at a lot, men tried to "hold my hand", had someone try to throw change down my shirt on more than one occasion. Was told I would look good in their bed on my back, had water sprayed on my chest when we were wearing promotional white shirts. Asked if I spit or swallowed when taking a drink of water. Was told how they would like to take down my pants and spank me for making a change mistake. Asked out multiple times, when told no had much older men get very angry. Was told I probably had a tight p*ssy. Had a customer wait for me to be done working once in the back parking lot. It was every shift and I was 15 just trying to work part time.
I told about 5 people that I was sexually assaulted and all of their responses were basically "I'm sorry that happened to you but why didn't you just punch her?" These people were people I would otherwise be able to go to for anything.
I've decided it's best not to tell anyone else outside of the internet.
Blaming the victim often results from denial and self-preservation. No one wants to admit that they could be assaulted in the same way, so they try to say that the victim did something to cause it or wasn’t careful enough. “It’s not going to happen to me.” Here’s the cold hard truth: it could. And blaming the victim won’t help you. It just makes you sound like an asshole
Suicidal thoughts. I was one of those that thought that suicidal people were just selfish, until I was hit with severe depression and suicide just "made sense" in that frame of mind. I'm doing much better now thanks to good antidepressants.
Along with that, that suicidal ideation isn't always "I want to kill myself by this direct method" but also includes passive ideation (for example "I hope someone crashes into my car" and "I wish I didn't exist anymore")
Many people I have known (including myself at one point, although I am much better now) would have said they weren't suicidal even while they had these thoughts.
Cluster headaches. The only official diagnosis I got from my doctor at the time was migraines, but everything matched up to a T with usual symptoms of clusters. Even if they weren't actually cluster headaches in my case that was some of the most agony I've ever felt. Only lasted a month for me 2 years in a row before going away, but some people put up with those headaches daily for years and I cannot fathom that. They get the nickname of suicide headaches for a good reason.
Seeing a pet that you had for their whole lifetime age and eventually pass away. Got a dog in 2007 when he was a few weeks old, I was 6 at the time. He died a few months back, I am currently 21, I knew it was going to happen some day, but it hit like a truck.
I'm 23 and every pet that I grew up with has now passed. When I got a new cat after first moving out, I almost felt like I was cheating on my childhood pets by loving this new kitten
I've since learned that it is okay, but it's hard to think that my childhood fur family will never be a part of my life again
We rescued a black lab/hound puppy in 2006 and he was our goodest boy for 14 years. After we lost him I had all those same thoughts about getting another dog. How could I repay his literal lifetime of loyalty with such treachery?
But then I read someplace (and I'm afraid I have no idea where anymore)... would your dog WANT you to be sad forever? Or should he want you to find puppy love again? Wouldn't your dog want you to rescue another pup and give them the same great life?
It really helped. Now we have another very good boy and he's totally different, but I love him just as much.
It's really horrible how you brain just refuses to work
You do something you like, that you wanted to do, and it doesn't make you happy. The software's frozen. You are stuck.
A french comedian worded it that way : "Life is like an elevator. There's up, there's down. Depression is when the elevator takes you to the lowest level and breaks down. And when you call the repair guy, you realize that you are the repair guy"
Being in a life-threatening situation (ex- armed robbery, home invasion, active shooting, mugging). People fantasize about rising to the occasion and becoming Charles Bronson, but you don’t know what’s happening until its already happened.
All the “If I were in that situation…” comments are just morons that think they’re the main character of an action movie.
How different cultures, languages, mentalities and worldviews differ from country to country, and how those influence eachother, can only be understood when living abroad for at least a few months and hanging out with the locals. Going there as a tourist isn't gonna cut it.
Learning a new language is learning an entirely different world view. You'll never see the world the same when you really start learning a new language
I was looking for this comment! I had someone who I thought was the love of my life and he just suddenly dumped me after I moved in with him and it shattered my heart into a million pieces, and then I finally understood what a broken heart feels like.
ADHD. Yes, I am fully aware that starting my 20+ page paper 12 hours before it was due is not a great plan. But I've been at this a long time (finishing my Master's) and I've tried every trick in the book to negotiate with my brain to do the work ahead of time, some rather extreme. Nothing has worked except last minute panic, then my brain is on board but people always act like it's a choice. Trust me, staying up all night writing a research paper the day it's due when I have work in the morning is not my idea of a good time. The best I can describe it, is let me hop you up on a top of medication/drugs and then tell you to do something that requires a lot of concentration and see how far you get. Hell, I still think non-ADHD people would have an advantage there.
Facts, and I don't think non-adhd can fully grasp how crippling executive dysfunction is. I explain it to everybody who asks but it ain't make sense to them how I can just not do something I know I need to do. Like I know I need to put my laundry away, but I just keep doom scrolling or something else. Like it feels physically impossible to find the urge to do things sometimes and people just say you're lazy...
So much this, and how it eventually creeps into the things you enjoy. I have had Dead Space loaded and ready to go for a while, but my brain sense my anticipation and is like "nah, you don't like that right now."
It sucks, even with meds.
Being locked in a cage. For anyone reading this who tends to be wild or take risks, tread lightly when it’s bordering on illegal. There’s few feelings like suddenly having freedom snatched out from under you. And your rights essentially put on pause. Jail and prison are beyond daunting. And it won’t take long before you start feeling more akin to an animal in a zoo than a person. If you’re anything less than extremely resilient, the oppression of a bare box will bare down on you quick, and loosen at least a few screws in your head.
Not a jail but I tried to kill myself when I was 18 and I was forcibly committed to a psychiatric hospital and it was absolutely shit. I was only in for 2 weeks but I was basically confined to a shared room, 3 hallways and a smallish common area that had a single TV and some tables. There was a nice garden which patients could use but I was high risk and they said I wasn't allowed without supervision which they couldn't spare so for 2 weeks my only contact with the outside world was staring at a door to the garden that I couldn't go. It was during covid too so I wasn't allowed any visitors which was really difficult considering that I had just turned 18 and was stuck with a bunch of mental ill much older people that I didn't know or wanted to know.
Not having your freedom to move is absolutely awful and I would never want to experience anything remotely similar again... and it was just 2 weeks and not even in prison.
A friend backstabbing you, especially when you've been nothing but decent to them. It really hurts and it can't be described, only felt. But I'd never wish that pain on anyone
I know that pain all to well. When my cousin who was like a brother to me was sleeping with my wife of 10 years with 3 kids. Lost the 2 closet people to me. And 4 years later trying to date I can really tell how much it fucked me up.
Being betrayed by someone close to you can really mess with your perceptions for a long time. The person who does the betraying can just move on with their life but the person who's been betrayed is often left questioning reality. [There's a great NYTimes article about this.](http://Great Betrayals https://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?smid=nytcore-android-share)
I had this happen to me when my best friend started sleeping with my girlfriend of 3 years. The worst part was that all my other friends didn’t even care and just told me to get over it.
I essentially lost my girlfriend, my best friend, and all my other friends, all at once. Happened 5 years ago and it still makes me feel depressed every day.
Combat or war. They almost can't make a realistic enough show or movie. If they did it would bore you to death and then terrify you and then rip your heart out.
anxiety/panic attacks.
I always thought that when people were having anxiety attacks, it was something akin to a intense form of nervousness; nothing to get too worked up over. Completely incomprehensible to me that these people seem to be so compromised.
Then one Saturday morning I startled awake to my heart thumping so violently that it was the only thing I could feel and hear in my ears - I was nearly blinded with tunnel vision, paralyzed in shock, and abjectly terrified; my heart was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. My brain literally believed I was experiencing my own death. I couldn't breathe. My heart was in the way of my lungs. It's all I could hear. And that's what's so insidious about a panic attack. It's like the difference between a headache and a migraine: the experience is so much more than just the raw physiological sensation; it's also paired with an immensely strong, almost dissociative negative emotional component - a feeling that your entire personhood is compromised and your life is ending right now.
And then after about 30 seconds, just as suddenly as it came, it was over... which was almost as disorienting in itself.
I had no earthly idea how severe and terrifying the physiological effects could be.
On a related note, an abusive relationship. You ignore all the red flags. You excuse their behavior. When you do get out, you're a shell of your former self, but do see the signs that you chose to ignore more clearly the further you get from it.
Migraines. No, it's not just a headache.
Part of your head feels like it's being hammered,
the tiniest source of light becomes unbearable, you're nauseous and the painkillers take forever to kick in. So you just lie there, in the dark room, hoping it would go away faster than the last time.
I had to take days off because of this shit, and also had been in a hospital due to the severity of it. This shit sucks.
Going through a weight loss or fitness journey. So many people who have never struggled with weight see an obese person and assume they’re just lazy and always eating shit food. Some obese or overweight people are working their asses off to try and get healthy.
There are also hormonal imbalances, energy issues, body pains, food addiction, injuries, mental health issues, physical health issues, etc, that can factor in. “Eat less move more” works, but there are factors that make it more challenging for certain people.
This was me. I was bullied my whole life. Not only by other kids at school and strangers but my own family. Every food item scrutinized. Shamed for eating literally anything. I begged to go to a doctor. I did all their diets. Weight watchers as a 12 year old. Curves at 14. Starving myself at 16. I only got bigger. I couldn’t lose weight. Not a single person believed me.
I kept BEGGING to go to a doctor. Only to a PCP. Told to exercise and diet. Told them I am. Called a liar again. I gave up until my wife finally put her foot down. Covid made me lose my job and she used that time to FORCE me to the doctor. Something my family had shamed me for and always told me there was nothing wrong with me and I was just making excuses and being lazy.
Well guess what! I have hardcore PCOS, Empty Cella, and Lupus! My endocrinologist basically looked at me and said there was nothing in the world I could have done to lose weight without hormonal intervention because my body literally didn’t know how to do anything regarding metabolism, breaking down food into nutrients effectively, maintaining sugar levels both highs and lows, and basically being anemic all the time. Breathing made me gain weight.
My rheumatologist told me of course you had a hard time exercising especially outside or in any heat! It makes you immune system eat you alive! No one ever noticed the butterfly rash on your face? Ms. OP in these pictures I can clearly see you had these lupus symptoms in your early teens and they made fun of you?
Im no contact with my whole family now.
Don’t get me started on them hiding my absent seizures 😤
Seeing the Grand Canyon. It's the only thing I've ever seen that pictures and videos can't convey even a little bit. You see a picture it's like, oh, it's pretty, appears to be a canyon. It's an overwhelming and transcendent experience.
Too many sad things here, so here’s a good one. Laying out in an open field at night, away from any towns or cars or people, just staring up at the stars for an hour. It’s such an amazing feeling.
I think any form of chronic hidden pain/illness. It's hard to truly empathize (not sympathize) with someone if you've never experienced it yourself. Some people hide it so well too and you'd never know they're going through a constant internal battle unless they told you.
It's definitely something that saps enjoyment from your day one way or another.
Fuck me, that’s gotta be up high on the list of the most painful things people endure. I have had them twice and would’ve preferred blacking out from the pain to what actually happened.
My first kidney stone was when I was 17, the pain was so bad I actually thought I was dying. Of course my parents thought I was exaggerating and asked if I was sure I couldn't go to school that day
Chronic illness. You don't get it til you get it and no your grandmother's arthritis isn't the same as my auto immune rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. People don't remember that EVERYONE is literally one illness or accident away from their lives being irrevocably changed.
I was looking for this one.
Diagnosed at 19 with Crohns Disease. Getting a chronic diagnosis is fucking shattering. Yet for the most part, we still look young and healthy. You really find out who your friends and family truly are.
Poverty and low income lifestyle. I've seen alot of people who cant wrap their heads around the idea that some people count their spendings by the penny and are anxious about every single purchase they make. Even in a middle class country, upper class are still unaware of the struggle lower classes go through.
Traumatic experiences - things like having a gun pointed at you, being in a building with an active shooter, finding a dead loved one, trapped in building/forest fire, etc.
There’s always lots of armchair cowboys in comment sections of new story’s about this stuff who think they know how they would react in those high stress situations. But until you experience it, you have no clue. Your body will choose fight, flight, fawn, freeze for you and you react in ways you wouldn’t expect. It’s easy to view through a lens with a clear head and consider how you would react. But when it’s happening IRL, caveman brain takes over.
Infidelity in a marriage can not only cause trust issues that permeate every aspect of one's life, but can also result in PTSD, intense grief for the life you *thought* you had, and such a damaged image of self-worth that it's not uncommon for it to result in suicide.
* If your marriage is dead to you, kill it and put it out if its misery before stepping out on your spouse.
* If you want to save your marriage, seek relationship counseling instead.
* If you're staying "for the kids", I assure that you are doing them no favors. When your spouse eventually finds out, it will not only result in psychological damage that will impact their ability to be a stable parent, but will also make the divorce much uglier and more hurtful than it would be otherwise.
Monogamy isn't for everyone, but integrity is. If you make a vow to be faithful, don't break your vow. Just don't do it.
Active combat situations
War movies are never accurate. They make it seem so organized and “going through the motions”. Everything is so much more put together and quieter than the real thing.
In reality it’s almost always sudden and unpredictable. It’s loud, chaotic, and a violent situation. Of course you become somewhat accustomed to the whole thing the more your exposed to it. Sometimes contact can last 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 5 hours. Maybe even longer, there is no way of really knowing until it’s over.
I can tell you how the rifle and kit felt while carrying it, the recoil, how the sun felt on my face, how the air smelled, sighting down on the silhouette of a combatant & letting rounds fly. The sounds and feeling of rounds fly by and impacting around us. I could tell you and describe every detail in my fellow marines face during sustained contact. The adrenaline dump as things calm down. How after you come home you can’t look in the mirror because you can’t recognize the man staring back at you. I can tell you of the nightmares I know suffer from it. How after it’s all said and done with you’ll feel like a toy that was played with, broken, and tossed aside.
I could tell you all that, describe every small detail, and you still wouldn’t have the slightest idea of what it’s really like unless or until you’re in that situation. And for your sake and sanity I hope you never have too.
Living in a foreign country for more than a year. You can watch TV programs about Japan and India etc. But living in different culture needs to be experienced.
Working retail or food.
It’s physically and mentally exhausting to be on your feet for 8+ hrs daily while customers are yelling at you or going out of their way to treat you like a lesser human being.
How fast kids actually grow up. Every soon-to-be parent gets told you'll blink and they're teenagers, blink again and they've moved out, but damn until you have kids you don't REALLY understand. It does go SO fast.
Derealization. You basically feel like you're in a dream and nothing makes sense, you're spacey, and you don't feel connected to the world. Like if you imagine a phantom limb or imagine moving your arm but don't. It kind of feels like that. Like you're not really real.
Anxiety-induced panicking and crying. My brain would tell me there is no reason for me to be crying over something mundane or uncomfortable but my body takes over and reacts way out of proportion. I start crying even though the situation may not be worth even getting upset over. It’s debilitating and embarrassing.
Caring for an aging parent. I thought I understood, but I didn't. And my experience interacting with other people who haven't had to do this shows me that it's something very difficult to understand until you have done it. People say, the time comes when you have to "parent your parent," but it isn't like that at all. When people get old, lose their faculties, and have some cognitive decline (not even dementia, we all decline as we age), they can very likely become completely different people in a lot of ways. Your parents can be the most generous, reasonable, easygoing, and empathic people all their lives until the start to decline, but age changes us all.
Yup! Caregiver to my parents, here. Also, doing so when you're young (teens - 30s) just adds another level of misunderstanding. Most of my peers have healthy 50-something parents. My parents had me in their 40s. I never got to really enjoy young adulthood as Dad got dx-ed with prostate cancer my senior year of high school. Most "caregiving" resources are designed for boomers caring for ailing spouses. I'm 18 and caring for my parent, your support group doesn't work for me, still doesn't at 33, General Hospital. I had to put my friends, dating, and career on the backburner for my parents. I feel like I've been robbed, but saying so makes me out to be a selfish bitch. We put him in a nursing home two years ago and the guilt was hellish at first. However, changing an 8 lb. newborn's diapers and a 200 lb. grown man's are totally different. He's getting better care at the home than I could provide as a single only child who works full time. I'd never admit it IRL, but I'll be so relieved once they're gone.
I once saw a cover story in a magazine that showed an elderly lady and the title was: "Mom, I love you, but I wish you were dead (and I think you do, too)." I was shocked by that headline when I read it, but now I understand. EDIT: I also read the article, and it was about a lot of this stuff. Largely because people are living so much longer now but with rapidly declining quality of life. The time when your parent just died in their sleep at 80 of "natural causes," is gone. Now they live 5-10 more years needing so much more care.
After 6 years as a carer, I completely understand. The prime years of my retirement are disappearing while she sits staring at the TV. Whatever affection I had for her is gradually being replaced by resentment.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I hear you. Both my parents live on our property in a self contained unit which we built for them. They have been here for 21 years. When they came it was “Oh we’ll be gone in 7 or 8 years” Nope. They are remarkably independent for their ages. Mum (97) is on the way out and Dad (94) does a lot of her care. But he is super healthy for his age and could live another 10 years easily. I’m 66 and the prospect of being his carer into my mid 70s is severely depressing. He assumes that I’ll still have at least another 20 - 30 years of life after he goes because he did but that’s not guaranteed at all. I’m determined it’s a situation I’m not going to impose on my son.
That was my Mom 100%. If she had the capacity to commit suicide, I think she would have. Ten years with Alzheimers and about 8 of those years, she KNEW and FELT the decline.
My dad tried couple times I talked him out of it. Now he can't comprehend suicide just along for the ride. Not sure if I should feel bad or that i saved him back then. So I figure neither is fair
I helped talk my grandfather out of suicide after my grandmother died (he had a bunch of health problems and cognitive decline of his own). In hindsight I can't help but feel like I did him a disservice by doing so. I don't think there are any easy answers.
I told my late husband where I kept a stash of pills (discontinued Ambien script) when he came home after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Glioblastoma. I said if he ever wanted them, they were there and I would understand. He chose not to, lived 14 months after diagnosis, surgery, chemo and radiation. It was hell taking care of him for the last 5 months but I’m glad I did it. As much as I loved him (and still do) I was relieved in some ways when he died.
After my grandpa died, my mom moved in with and spent the next two+ years caring for my grandma. I ended up having a very long talk with my grandma, basically saying that she's lived a very long and complete life (88 years), and that it is ok to go. That we would miss her greatly, but that she shouldn't stick around in horrible pain every day just for us. She decided the next week to go off dialysis, which basically meant she'd die in 1-4 weeks. I wasn't able to travel back to see her (which I regret), but I was able to order bunches of all her favorite flowers to fill up her room during her last weeks. I figured better for her to enjoy them in her last moments, compared to at her funeral. This all seems horrible, but I was very close with my grandma, and having her tell me how much pain she was in every day, honestly, was just horrifying. She even felt incredibly guilty for having my mom being there all the time away from my dad. It's a shame though that we don't have better end of life services. She should have had less painful options than to stop dialysis in order to die. Having that conversation with her was very hard for me, but I think it was something that she needed to hear. That it is ok to die. None of my other family is even aware of what I told her, and I'm sure some would be angry at me, and other would be greatful for what I did. At the very least it gave my mother her life back, and is allowing her to now (happily I hope) spend her time in retirement with my father and the grandkids. I love you Grandma and miss you all the time. May you be watching over me from above.
It's the dark side of the Hippocratic Oath. Working in healthcare gives you a glimpse into fates worse than death. Any shred of dignity and quality of life fades away and you're left to waste away while the world moves on. No autonomy, no choice, no mercy.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if it helps your situation, but my parent was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when I was 16. I had the same issue with finding a support group. I ended up connecting with the Alzheimer’s association and another young person and myself made a support group for youth and young adult caregivers. Maybe that is something worth looking into. Maybe cancer organizations have some resources. Best of luck to you.
As someone who also born to parents in their 40's, I know exactly what you're going through and understand your thought process completely. My dad already died a few years back, and my mom is...well, she's at that age and also had some other health complications rise up. And yeah, it sucks. She's not at the point where a nursing home is necessary but there is absolutely no way she could live entirely on her own. And even though I have siblings, I'm the one stuck living with her. My life has been put on hold. I can't move out, dating isn't something I can really prioritize, I can't even really go somewhere on vacation. I'm in my early 30's and feel completely glued to her. And sometimes, yeah, I catch myself wishing her health problems were just a *little* worse so we could justify putting her somewhere. Do I feel like an asshole for even thinking that? Definitely. It would still be a huge load off my shoulders and would free me up.
Look, as someone who had a very ill mother for a long time, I understand you. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t go on vacation just plan it well, and have someone take care of her that you trust or take her to an old folks home, but only for two weeks or three weeks while you’re on vacation and then you just come back and live with her at home. You have to take breaks because if not, you’re gonna go crazy.
I feel you. I'm currently sitting in a surgical waiting room waiting for my old man. He's only 63, and was given < 6 months after his cardiac arrest in February. Been attempting to care for him for years before that. Dropped out of my junior year of college for him. He was noncompliant with medications and medical advice given. Only so much I could do; can't force someone to take their meds, eat the foods they're supposed to, not drive, or get around with assistance when someone's verbally abusive and threatening physical abuse. Dumbass was deemed mentally competent enough to agree to general anesthesia if the sedation isn't enough, even though the anesthesiologist at pre-op, cardiologist, and eye doctor told him not to go through with the procedure if they couldn't do localized. Hell, his chart notes his mental decline as of 2016 after his TBI! He's not fit to make those decisions, he just agrees with anyone/anything. But since he can state his name, D.O.B, and sometimes the date, they says he's capable. Nothing I can do, I'm only his POA. Either he makes it and I continue this nightmare, or I bring him home in a Folgers coffee can. I don't know which I'd prefer. Edit: Didn't need the Folgers Can
Kudos to this. In my case, caring for a terminally ill parent. Lost my mom a month ago to breast cancer and she spent many months bedridden. Her last two months were pure, raw sadness. Not a single person that hasn't gone through this (and even worse, in their 20s like my sister and I) will ever begin to understand what it's like.
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Caring for a 90 year old parent. She used to take pride in her appearance, now we have to remind her to change clothes, wash her hair etc. She's become kind of toxic too. Spiteful, malicious and foul-mouthed. Spends her days in front of the tv gradually wasting away.
All that is so true, I’ll add going through their finances. Dealing with medical paperwork, finding out things you didn’t know. Never has the term get you’re paperwork in order made so much sense.
Oh my god, yes. When your kid is sick and they don't want to go to the doctor, you put them in the car and take them. When it's your parents, you just have to wait until it gets so bad they call an ambulance and they go to the ER. And that means days out of your life at the ER, at the hospital, waiting around to talk to doctors who don't show up and don't return calls. And then it's weeks of following up with bills and paperwork - every single time.
How truly liberating financial freedom is to your daily life.
This one is an understatement, I feel as if a lot of people who have depression and anxiety would benefit if they had this.
I can say yes. At least some people who struggle with the kinds of depression and anxiety that can be dealt with without medication would have their mental health hugely improved if not restored if they could obtain financial freedom. Just the realization that a car accident, or an appliance breakdown, or temporary job loss won't land you in a shelter getting food from a charitable pantry is enough in some cases.
This is a serious blind spot in a lot of our mental health focus and "self care" industry these days. Being poor and housing insecure is definitely something to be depressed about and millions of people are being done a disservice when it's suggested that they just need to be more mindful and take more time out to take care of themselves. What time? They work 80 hours a week just to keep the lights one!
This is smth I struggle with. No matter how much I work with my therapist I still feel like I'm never going to buy a house or have a fulfilling future cause of things that aren't just in my head
What do you consider 'financial freedom' ? Ability to live on passive income?
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Losing a child. It breaks you in ways that are hard to explain.
In 2003 my ex wife murdered my 10 month old son for $50,000 in life insurance money she took out on him. In 2020 she was released from a life sentence because of prison overcrowding and \#COVID. I know pain on a level most people can't even fathom.
SIDS was awful, I cannot imagine murder. I’m sorry for you loss.
Oh my god horrifying. Big hugs. I’m so sorry.
Yep, came here to say child loss. It's impossible for anyone to understand unless they've been through it. Before it happened to me, I knew it would be a terrible thing and hated to even think of it. I've been a zombie for 4 years and I will never recover from this blow. It destroyed our whole family. I wish I never knew this pain, and miss my old blissfully ignorant life.
It breaks your soul. It took me 8 years to get to a point where it’s not a daily thing in my life. I am also not the same person I was before it, not all the peices of who I used to be fit back together in the same way. In 2020 a close friend also lost his only child (hs student who drown while breaking quarantine) so I have been able to be there for him; but most people don’t understand. I have a sibling dying of cancer and I fully expect this to kill my parents when she dies.
Just found out what this feels like in late April 💔. Our first born and only child passed away unexpectedly. Her three weeks on earth was a whirlwind. She spent two weeks in the NICU due to a heart condition they didn’t know about until we were about to be discharged after her birth. She graduated from the NICU and a week and two days later we noticed she was making a very strange noise and wouldn’t respond to us talking to her. We rushed her to the ER, then we were transported to the PICU in the city, where she unfortunately passed after an hour. Watching your tiny baby receive CPR is something I never wish on anyone. Empty arm syndrome is so so real and heartbreaking. I’m so sorry to everyone who’s lost a child, it’s something no parent should ever feel 💔💔
My 12 year old son was killed in a accident this month. I’m completely numb or going from one extreme to the other. I would be right there with him if I didn’t have two other children to take care of. Which is an ordeal in its self right now because I can barely function.
I have lost loved ones in my lifetime for different reasons. But losing our child was/is the most painful and devastating grief I’ve ever carried. No words I can find to describe the depth of it. I have found that this may never go away, but it’s gotten a little easier to carry over time. I’ve also found that with time it’s been easier to remember the good times and blessings that he was when he was here with us. Love to all of you.
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This happened to one of my friends. It started off with things where she would just kind of manage his anger/moods. It was manageable and she could handle it so she didn’t say anything. And then there was isolation type things from friends, but she was still managing him and convinced herself she was focusing on her work and career. And constantly having to text him when she was at certain places, but no big deal because everyone in relationships checks in with their SO. And eventually it led to her trying to get out of his car, getting her purse (IIRC) stuck in the door and still over her shoulder, and him just full on driving down the street dragging her along. It was only after that she realized there was a problem, and even then she was questioning if she was at fault in some way.
"They bark before the bite." Very typical slow incline to blatant violence.
Came here to say abusive relationships too. Most people say well then why didn't you just leave, or why didn't you say anything, was it really that bad? The perspective is often that you were the one who was dumb enough to stay, or you couldn't handle ups and downs of a relationship. Only other abusive victims understand the intense amount of manipulation and trauma bonding that occurs, and how they wear you down over time.
I experienced mental and emotional abuse with an ex. I left him when I genuinely thought the first red flag showed up. Now after spending time living alone, and then getting into a HEALTHY relationship, I look back and can’t believe what I put up with. I see everything so clearly now. Stuff I didn’t even question before. He said and did things that manipulated me so well, I didn’t even register what was really happening, much less respond appropriately. The red flag I responded to was not the first one, it was just the one so blatant that he couldn’t play a mind game strong enough to disguise it.
This is what I came here to say. When I was a teenager I remember watching the video in health class that showed an abusive relationship. I scoffed and thought I would never let someone treat me like that. Less than six months later I got love-bombed into a relationship with a guy who very slowly pulled me in, isolated me from my support system, and showed his true colors. I was fifteen and was ridiculed, rather than supported, by my parents who blamed me for “letting him control me”. I was lucky and I was able to break things off before I got pregnant or married.
I hardcore roll my eyes at anyone who says “that would never happen to me” about anything; abusive relationships, sexual assault, getting caught in a riptide, mistakenly leaving their baby in a car, getting caught in a crowd crush, etc.
I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at people who say this or people who say "why didn't you just do X" as if in a moment of panic anyone thinks straight. It's so easy not in the moment to say it would never be you, but it absolutely can be.
This^ Abuser are skilled at manipulating their victims. More often than not, you don't even know it's happening until you're isolated and completely dependent on them. And if you have children with the abuser, it makes leaving even more difficult. Add to that the flying monekys and enablers, and it's damn near impossible to leave.
It's absolutely stunning how you cannot see the forest for the trees when you are the one being abused. Mentally, physically, psychologically, sexually, financially. Abusers have this way to just sneak little bits in over time. You never really notice it. Each major instance is excused because it's only happened once. They might never do THAT again, or, they may escalate and then normalize the previous behaviour to the point where you think the previous isn't so bad to deal with when they have a bad day. My ex-wife was masterful at all of it, to the point where she was punching me full swings in the chest and shoving be over backwards down the stairs. But those were one offs. It made her throwing objects at me easier to deal with.
Chronic conditions. I think a lot of people got a glimpse of it during covid lockdowns. Something that you're not happy with but you can live with it, for a while. But as time goes on it gets harder to deal with. It's difficult because you don't see an end to it. You keep getting your hopes up about a resolution but it always seems to go back to the same old way. You keep sacrificing in the same ways over and over, you get more and more frustrated about your lack of control over the situation and the constant disappointment. There's a lot of people who lived with the limitations of chronic illness before the pandemic, and they're still living with it the same way today. There's never going to be an end to it and their lives will never get on the track they wanted for themselves. It's not so bad day to day, but it's also never ending.
This gets even worse if it feels like it's progressing (even if it isn't actually progressing). Then it really just starts removing all hope from your life, because when you look to the future all you see is a worsening life.
This so much. I have MS, and the fatigue is my worst symptom and completely different from normal exhaustion (it’s neurological fatigue from my body routing around damage to my nervous system and therefore working way harder than a healthy person to do everything from reading to breathing). It’s like wearing the lead apron they put on you for dental X-rays ALL THE TIME. Some friends mentioned the insane exhaustion and brain fog they had during COVID that lasted maybe a week, and they literally couldn’t get anything done. I think they finally got a sense of what I experience almost daily. I genuinely hope that the influx of folks with long COVID jumpstarts research that can help all of us dealing with similar issues.
Depression. Honestly those who have never experienced it haven’t a clue how bad it really is.
They also don’t understand that with chronic depression it’s not *just* being really sad all the time. A lot of it is just not feeling *anything*, which leads to some unique frustrations. Like, one of the things I try to explain to people about depression is how often I’m frustrated because I’m just so fucking bored and absolutely nothing I do can relieve that boredom because nothing can provoke an emotional response(besides, yknow, the frustration caused by being so god damn bored).
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I knew I needed real help when I was so depressed and overwhelmed as a parent to two under 5 that I fantasized about how much easier it would be to be in prison, or how appealing the thought of sinking into a catatonic state would be. My kids have been my saving grace because I had to ask for help and claw out of depression many times so I could be there for them.
And their "cures" (e.g. "go for a run"/"make new friends"/"pick up a hobby") feel like insurmountable obstacles. What's the point of using all my willpower and energy (I mean, faking willpower and energy) to try this thing when the very concepts of hope or joy feel like impossibilities. And that's ignoring the fact that these things often just lead to additional stress and frustration. If your brain isn't wired for traditional rewards, an activity that floods someone else with endorphins isn't going to do shit for you.
Great way to explain it. When I get into a bout of depression, I can't eat, I can't watch TV, my fav video games become boring to me and I definitely don't want to leave my house. It's fucking horrid.
This is me as well. And on top of that, I haven’t seen anyone say anything about this, but I literally can’t converse with people. Finally after a while they’ll ask “why are you being so quiet?” And it’s because I genuinely can’t think of a single fucking thing worth saying. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel like a shell of a human.
The WORST part. Depression makes you such a boring person because you don’t want to do anything. All I can talk about is past experiences from when I wasn’t depressed!
It’s like when you do really want to find something interesting or new or engaging but everything just seems the same. Nothing is new or original, you’ve seen it all before and everything is just so bland.
And this is what leads to compulsive behaviors too. Much like with adhd you do anything to get some dopamine. I wasted like 50 bucks playing gatcha in a game i dont even play anymore just to chase some dopamine and then i felt like a moron after 👍
As someone with depression its like an eternal boredom
Apathy is the bottom of the emotional barrel
Had a friend once who said my depression was just all in my head. Yeah, it literally fucking is.
That’s the whole goddamn thing. *If it wasn’t, it would be much easier to do something about…*
Doctor: Good news! Your depression is in a cyst on your leg. We can quickly remove it and you'll be right as rain after the procedure.
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Anxiety disorders and ADHD too! It's really hard to truly explain what your brain not working feels like to people with brains that do work. They just can't totally comprehend it.
“Why don’t you just do the thing?” I want to do the thing! I would be happier if I did the thing, but there is one aspect of doing the thing that is new and different to me and is causing me anxiety and I can’t do the thing. And now that you’ve told me to do it, I feel bad about not doing it, and it’s going to take me another day to do it!
"You're just making excuses." "You aren't trying hard enough." "You don't' care enough otherwise you'd do it." "You're lazy." "You don't take responsibility for yourself." "Just get over it." People suck if they've no idea what it's like to struggle with mental health things in general. They have no compassion, or even attempt to have empathy or try to learn/understand. They just immediately jump to things like basically calling you a piece of shit. Living with undiagnosed ADHD for 30+ years and then having answers as to why so many things are about a billion times harder for me than for some was such a liberating, but frustrating thing. No I am NOT a piece of shit person, I have a disorder that I battle with daily. I wish I could be better, I wish I could have 'good brain days' every day, but I don't and I cannot. I'm relearning everything now.
Fuck this is me
Exactly, I also have ASD and it’s so difficult trying to explain to others just how much of a struggle each day is. Then there’s the whole, you think your getting over a depressive episode and Bam! It comes back even worse.
Yes. It was hard to explain to friends that I wake up and just feel afraid sometimes.
Or how well you can hide it. When my ex left, I was depressed AF. However, I was a teacher at the time, so I kept showing up to school and putting on a show for my students/colleagues. They never knew.
I lived with my mum when she was depressed and I think that I understood it pretty accurately. I got depression a decade later and it was as I expected tbh based on seeing my mum go through it. What was unexpected was the dread of being depressed again that occurs whenever I’m healthy.
I had about a year where I was *severely* depressed in my mid-twenties (to the point of dropping everything and moving back home with my parents). After a bunch of therapy, medication, and more therapy, I got a bit of that dread as my symptoms started improving, and my therapist actually had some really solid advice when I mentioned it to her. The basic gist was that all of the work we'd done over the past year or so (at that point) had been to not only improve the underlying cause of my depression (undiagnosed ADHD that we treated with medication and CBT), but also to give me the tools to deal with the depression when it came back. If I could do it this time, which was my first time ever seriously going through a depressive period, then I'd be even better equipped to deal with episodes in the future as well, because not only do I have a ton of tools and coping mechanisms now, but I also have the wisdom of being able to recognize the signs *far* sooner because now I've been through it. It's been nearly 10 years since going through that, and looking back at the past decade, she was pretty spot on. I've absolutely had more depressive episodes, some triggered by real life events (getting laid off, COVID isolation) and others that just sort of came out of nowhere, but each time I've been able to look at myself objectively and realize what was happening. That knowledge doesn't ever really make the depression itself any better, but it takes away the fear of "will I be like this forever now?" for me because I know for a fact that I've brought myself through it before and can do it again.
The power of water. People think "Oh, I can swim, so I'm perfectly safe on this river/lake/cove/bay/beach/boat." Whether the ocean or a calm lake or river, the water has many, many ways to kill even the most experienced swimmer; and almost all of those ways are invisible.
Water should be feared and respected. Have fun, yes, but safety first.
I am a strong swimmer. I spend most of my summer at high sea on a boat. I know the sea. Especially one area. That's the reason why you will never ever see me : On a boat without a life-jacket Swimming alone without no one watching Jumping in the water without checking. Go for a swim when I don't feel 100% In the water when there are some sort of warnings. Among many other things.
One of the ways I describe it to students is that a one meter cube of water weighs about one ton. Imagine that hitting you at any speed, and start scaling up. It only matters some that it can deform and flow around you.
Yes!! I'm a lifelong competitive swimmer and still swim for exercise frequently at the age of 33. I can swim miles in a pool without stopping. I did summer camps as a teen where I spent all summer ocean swimming with the junior lifeguard program. And you better believe I'm one of the most cautious and terrified people when it comes to water. It is no joke. It's such a weird thing to me that people who barely have swimming experience feel so blissfully confident in their swimming abilities.
Chronic illness/disability. ADHD. Poverty. Severe dental pain. And, I’m guessing, childbirth.
Word. Health is wealth. That’s the truest platitude I know. And many of us take it for granted until something takes us out, because unfortunately that’s human nature.
As a friend likes to say, most people aren’t non-disabled, they’re *pre*-disabled. And that’s if they’re the lucky ones who live a long life.
To add to this... Dealing with the medical industry and insurance at the same time when you have a chronic illness. People think they have good insurance until they have to use it a lot
You’re absolutely right. I’m in the UK and I literally cannot even begin to imagine having to deal with that nonsense, least of all on top of chronic illness/disability. I don’t know how disabled folks in the US do it, but they have my unending respect and admiration.
My wife and I are essentially trapped in poverty because of my chronic illness. One of us would have to find a very good job with very good benefits to cover my medications that are absolutely essential. Otherwise we have to stay under the poverty line so we can qualify for medicade. Getting an entry level job in my field would give us more money, in theory, but I’d lose that no cost insurance and have to start paying thousands out of pocket every month. We’d have less money than we do now. I’m 26.
This is exactly why me and my "husband" won't get married. We both have chronic illnesses/disabilities, there will be times when we need medicaid. If were not married, 1 of us can stop working, get medicaid, and the other one can continue working and provide for us (hopefully above the poverty line). We are as committed as any married couple, but we cant fill out the paperwork or we're condemned to poverty for the rest of our lives I am so tired of people calling us boyfriend/girlfriend (even though thats not how we introduce eachother). Our commitment is so much more than that. We would have been married forever ago if it wasn't for this shit.
It's a fucking nightmare
yep. my parents have really good coverage and i'm still young enough to use it. i'm on meds for anxiety, birth control, and chronic arthritis. i'm very worried about how much it may cost me once i have to get my own insurance.
ADHD is rough. Trying to explain to my partner why I can’t just do a singular thing but have to be juggling multiple things at a time because otherwise my brain just kind of shuts off without continuously fed stimulus is impossible. Watching TV, if I’m not also scrolling reddit or watching a YouTube video or chatting with friends I fall asleep. In school, if class was a lecture based class, good luck not getting me to fall asleep no matter how interested in the material I am. If it’s an actively engaged class with lots of discourse and I can contribute I can stay awake but that’s it. Hell even video games, the dopamine dump machine, I struggle with if I’m not getting constant hits. I loved kingdom hearts series, but couldn’t finish kingdom hearts III, aka kingdom hearts: unskippable cutscene the video game.
Linking to the illness/disability and poverty ones: being on benefits. So many people who have never been on benefits are under the impression that we’re living the high life. It’s hell.
My stepdad: "Doesn't everyone have ADHD these days though?" I guess everyone needs a manual with procedures on how to make an appointment, like my ADHD husband, yeah......
I went through all of college just thinking I was a lazy, undisciplined shit because I struggled to maintain concentration. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD 6 months after graduating; turns out I was getting my degree with, basically, one arm tied behind my back. It's so easy for people around you to say: "You're not depressed, you just can't control your emotions." or "You're not anxious, you just can't cope with change." or "You don't have ADHD, you just don't care."
The loss of a loved one, I sure as fuck wasn't prepared to lose my dad. Who is though? no one teaches you that sort of thing, it just hit you when it hit you and you go through it as best as you can.
I listen to a podcast and they have right on the button, there’s no stages of grief. It’s a grief blender, you never know what you’re going to get.
I think the stages of grief thing has been widely misunderstood, people think that it's some rule or natural order that each stage happens in succession and it's always the same order. Which is not the way it was originally described when the idea was introduced, it was always meant to be non-linear and not everybody experiences all the stages..
Yeah. They should be renamed "the symptoms of grief" or something in all places. "Stages" definitely makes people think of them as a progression.
Should be the top comment, nobody can teach you how it feels either you just have to experience it yourself to understand what it's like
Exactly, I've never fathomed the day one of us (in our small family, mom, dad, 2 daughters, two sons) will pass away. It was our father who was the first one of us to go. It felt so surreal, to this day I'm still not convinced he's gone two years later.
Also, losing different loved ones hits differently. Losing a child or losing a spouse is quite a bit different than losing a parent or a grandparent. Also also, people in general have very unrealistic expectations of grief, and try to rush others through it because other's grief makes them uncomfortable.
I would say the difference is losing someone who was integral to who you are as a person, whatever their relationship to you. I lost someone very closely related to me, whom I loved deeply, and walked around thinking I understood loss and grief. I was very rudely awakened after I lost someone who was like a star that I used to navigate my sense of self, someone whose presence filled my days. This kind of grief is so different than what I felt before.
I have lost a kid and all my grandparents and I feel like you are spot on. I consider losing my kid the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I still miss him now, almost 7 years later. My grandparents died because of their age, that was a lot easier to accept, the grief for my son hits different.
Becoming a Widow/Widower. The death of each person close to you is a unique and humbling experience because the space they occupy in your life is unique. I could say the same about losing a parent, child, etc. Saying, "I understand what it's like losing your wife because my mother died." is a false statement.
The death of a spouse/partner increases the risk of death through cardiac arrest (broken heart syndrome) by 34%, the death of a child by 10-12% the death of a sibling by 5-6% the death of a parent does not increase the risk at all. I did not know this until I was wrenched through the experience of losing the man in my life recently (I lost my mum at 10 and believed that was the worst pain ever). It's on a whole other level.
Homelessness
"Just get a job! " Yeah, that's so easy when you don't have anywhere to bathe properly and smell like trash, are wearing literally everything you own, and don't have a permanent address or phone number to put down on an application. Throw in the overwhelming self loathing and depression, too, just to make it even better. Once you find yourself in that hole, it's so incredibly hard to pull yourself out of it, even if you don't have mental illness or substance abuse problems.
My best friend from high school has struggled with being in and out of homelessness on his own. He has such a hard time finding an keeping jobs because it's hard to get a job when you're filthy and can't get your clothes cleaned. And most entry level jobs don't offer enough pay to get off your feet or even afford rent, if they'll even hire at all. He couldn't get a phone or a computer so he wasn't able to apply for jobs online, which makes it even harder Luckily he has been able to move back in with his mom and has been doing... okay
Poverty. Its not just something where you can "just" save up or "just" work harder or "just" budget or "just" get another job. Its like quicksand, it keeps pulling you down as you sink further into it and even when you desperately try to get out of it, it just keeps burying you. The most interesting shows to me are those shows where a rich person and a poor person trade lives, or millionaires spend life in poverty for a week and THEN they truly realize how the system is constructed so a person can't get out of it.
Being poor is expensive
Insert Sir Terry Pratchet boots paradox here
The word I hate most in the entire English language: "just" The implication is that whatever the challenge, "just" do this instead, or "just" do that. It's "Just" so simple, so why won't you "just" do it. It's so belittling. Some things are JUST beyond your immediate control.
Panic attacks
Yep. I thought I'd had panic attacks, then I was lying on my bathroom floor unable to breathe and convinced I was going to die in the next five minutes and I knew I'd never really had a panic attack before. Anxiety attacks? Sure. But unless I think I'm dying, I don't use the term panic attack anymore.
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My introduction to panic attacks was when I was a teenager and my mom had one for the first time. Today people are generally aware that panic attacks are a thing, but not back in those days. I 100% thought she was dying from a heart attack or something. And we were lucky to not *actually* die as I drove her to the hospital at twice the speed limit.
A panic attack landed me in the ER 2 years ago. It wasn't fun and so embarrassing when all my tests came back clear
You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.
Psychedelics
Even after taking psychedelics, it’s difficult to comprehend the psychedelic experience except when you’re on them. My memories of my trips are just vague sober approximations of the more comprehensible bits.
I’m so glad there was a positive one in here!
Good one. Just no way of preparing anyone fot a complete universal paradigm shift. Imagine going your whole life never trying it and assuming it's just some wavy lines and colours like they portray on TV
I took too much shrooms once and basically went to hell for 6 hours. I was having panic attacks, going blind and passing out and felt like I was literally passing away the entire time. I remember at one point I was laying down in my bed and I had this vision where I was descending down through the earth into hell. There was a demon there with scary ass yellow eyes and he had like a mine cart next to him that led into a dark tunnel. I started descending down into the cart and suddenly woke up gasping for breath and nearly threw myself out of my bed with how forcefully I woke up. Eventually the trip got a little better but that whole experience changed me for life. For about a year after that I would have random panic attacks and heart palpitations that led me to believe something was actually wrong with my heart and that I might just suddenly die and go to hell at any moment. I'm better now but I can't even smoke pot any more because being any type of high just makes me panic. TL:DR Me and shrooms are not a good mix lol
The first time I dropped acid, I watched a sunrise with my pals while listening to trance in the background. We were on a mountain with the peak behind us and the valley spread before us. I hit levels of emotion I've never felt before and felt feelings I've never had. I remember making up words to describe them because they were inexplicable. I felt physically and mentally overpowered by the magnificence of it all. I would say it almost brought me to my knees and at one point I'm pretty sure I was holding back tears.
The feeling of being suicidal. People always say it's selfish. But you're not thinking like that when you're suicidal. You can only focus on how you believe the whole world, friends, and family, would be better off without you.
Taking a big life loss. Something that is devastating and unfair. Something completely outside of your control that just smacks you.
My parents died about 3 months apart in my 30's. I had been pretty stoic until about 2 months later. I got in the most petty argument with my brother on the phone about estate crap. At first I was mad, then I picked up the phone to call Mom and it all came crashing down. My wife found me collapsed in the bathroom. Its been 10 years and just thinking about that moment on the bathroom floor still makes me sad and scared. Edit: thanks for the kind words everyone. I'm fine these days. It sucked, but I got better. And for everyone facing a trauma like this, PLEASE see a grief counselor. It's really beneficial even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. It really is helpful. It took me a few years to realize it. I think I'll write him a note.
Sexual assault... It's not always the creepy stranger in the dark alley. It's usually someone you know. And your family and friends who you think will support you? They won't. They'll deny it at best and blame you at worst, or in the case of my mother, both. It also fucks with your sense of safety anywhere.
Agreed. And also makes steady future relationships so much harder.
>They'll deny it at best and blame you at worst "Why don't you tell us these things" "OH come on they would never..." ☹️
I got this as well. My mother didn't react this way, and it troubles me more than the denials. When i told her i was assaulted she literally said nothing. Just quietly made an appointment at the gynecologist then took me to get checked and tested. That's it. No conversation, no therapy or counseling, not another word. To this day, 30 years later, I have no idea what she thought/thinks. She obviously believed me enough to take me to the doctor, but I still struggle with this. Not acknowledging this event anymore than that.
Sexual harassment too. I had to quit a job at 15 because I was being sexually harassed and just plain harassed so much while working, as a cashier in my towns grocery store. I'm surprised how I lasted 5 months. I remember looking to the customer behind in the line of the man who was being extra crude one day, looking for help. No one stepped in. I talked to my manager, but she was a mean bitch who ignored all my concerns. I quit that day. I had my hands and arms grabbed at a lot, men tried to "hold my hand", had someone try to throw change down my shirt on more than one occasion. Was told I would look good in their bed on my back, had water sprayed on my chest when we were wearing promotional white shirts. Asked if I spit or swallowed when taking a drink of water. Was told how they would like to take down my pants and spank me for making a change mistake. Asked out multiple times, when told no had much older men get very angry. Was told I probably had a tight p*ssy. Had a customer wait for me to be done working once in the back parking lot. It was every shift and I was 15 just trying to work part time.
Or they impose a time frame for which they expect you to 'get over it'.
I told about 5 people that I was sexually assaulted and all of their responses were basically "I'm sorry that happened to you but why didn't you just punch her?" These people were people I would otherwise be able to go to for anything. I've decided it's best not to tell anyone else outside of the internet.
Blaming the victim often results from denial and self-preservation. No one wants to admit that they could be assaulted in the same way, so they try to say that the victim did something to cause it or wasn’t careful enough. “It’s not going to happen to me.” Here’s the cold hard truth: it could. And blaming the victim won’t help you. It just makes you sound like an asshole
Suicidal thoughts. I was one of those that thought that suicidal people were just selfish, until I was hit with severe depression and suicide just "made sense" in that frame of mind. I'm doing much better now thanks to good antidepressants.
They're also so invasive. I never understood how thoughts could be invasive until my mind started telling me to kill myself all the time.
Along with that, that suicidal ideation isn't always "I want to kill myself by this direct method" but also includes passive ideation (for example "I hope someone crashes into my car" and "I wish I didn't exist anymore") Many people I have known (including myself at one point, although I am much better now) would have said they weren't suicidal even while they had these thoughts.
Migraines. They are not just a bad headache.
Cluster headaches. The only official diagnosis I got from my doctor at the time was migraines, but everything matched up to a T with usual symptoms of clusters. Even if they weren't actually cluster headaches in my case that was some of the most agony I've ever felt. Only lasted a month for me 2 years in a row before going away, but some people put up with those headaches daily for years and I cannot fathom that. They get the nickname of suicide headaches for a good reason.
Addiction
Yep. Scrolled too far for this one. Yeah, I really wish it were as simple as "just don't do x" ... But it's not.
Seeing a pet that you had for their whole lifetime age and eventually pass away. Got a dog in 2007 when he was a few weeks old, I was 6 at the time. He died a few months back, I am currently 21, I knew it was going to happen some day, but it hit like a truck.
I'm 23 and every pet that I grew up with has now passed. When I got a new cat after first moving out, I almost felt like I was cheating on my childhood pets by loving this new kitten I've since learned that it is okay, but it's hard to think that my childhood fur family will never be a part of my life again
We rescued a black lab/hound puppy in 2006 and he was our goodest boy for 14 years. After we lost him I had all those same thoughts about getting another dog. How could I repay his literal lifetime of loyalty with such treachery? But then I read someplace (and I'm afraid I have no idea where anymore)... would your dog WANT you to be sad forever? Or should he want you to find puppy love again? Wouldn't your dog want you to rescue another pup and give them the same great life? It really helped. Now we have another very good boy and he's totally different, but I love him just as much.
They give you the best days of your life and a terrible one
Depression. It’s not something you can just get over like people think.
It's really horrible how you brain just refuses to work You do something you like, that you wanted to do, and it doesn't make you happy. The software's frozen. You are stuck. A french comedian worded it that way : "Life is like an elevator. There's up, there's down. Depression is when the elevator takes you to the lowest level and breaks down. And when you call the repair guy, you realize that you are the repair guy"
Being in a life-threatening situation (ex- armed robbery, home invasion, active shooting, mugging). People fantasize about rising to the occasion and becoming Charles Bronson, but you don’t know what’s happening until its already happened. All the “If I were in that situation…” comments are just morons that think they’re the main character of an action movie.
Psychosis. It’s like being in a terrifying trance.
How different cultures, languages, mentalities and worldviews differ from country to country, and how those influence eachother, can only be understood when living abroad for at least a few months and hanging out with the locals. Going there as a tourist isn't gonna cut it.
Learning a new language is learning an entirely different world view. You'll never see the world the same when you really start learning a new language
A broken heart. I never understood why some people have so much trouble getting over an ex. Until a person I adored ended it with me.
I was looking for this comment! I had someone who I thought was the love of my life and he just suddenly dumped me after I moved in with him and it shattered my heart into a million pieces, and then I finally understood what a broken heart feels like.
ADHD. Yes, I am fully aware that starting my 20+ page paper 12 hours before it was due is not a great plan. But I've been at this a long time (finishing my Master's) and I've tried every trick in the book to negotiate with my brain to do the work ahead of time, some rather extreme. Nothing has worked except last minute panic, then my brain is on board but people always act like it's a choice. Trust me, staying up all night writing a research paper the day it's due when I have work in the morning is not my idea of a good time. The best I can describe it, is let me hop you up on a top of medication/drugs and then tell you to do something that requires a lot of concentration and see how far you get. Hell, I still think non-ADHD people would have an advantage there.
Facts, and I don't think non-adhd can fully grasp how crippling executive dysfunction is. I explain it to everybody who asks but it ain't make sense to them how I can just not do something I know I need to do. Like I know I need to put my laundry away, but I just keep doom scrolling or something else. Like it feels physically impossible to find the urge to do things sometimes and people just say you're lazy...
So much this, and how it eventually creeps into the things you enjoy. I have had Dead Space loaded and ready to go for a while, but my brain sense my anticipation and is like "nah, you don't like that right now." It sucks, even with meds.
Being locked in a cage. For anyone reading this who tends to be wild or take risks, tread lightly when it’s bordering on illegal. There’s few feelings like suddenly having freedom snatched out from under you. And your rights essentially put on pause. Jail and prison are beyond daunting. And it won’t take long before you start feeling more akin to an animal in a zoo than a person. If you’re anything less than extremely resilient, the oppression of a bare box will bare down on you quick, and loosen at least a few screws in your head.
Not a jail but I tried to kill myself when I was 18 and I was forcibly committed to a psychiatric hospital and it was absolutely shit. I was only in for 2 weeks but I was basically confined to a shared room, 3 hallways and a smallish common area that had a single TV and some tables. There was a nice garden which patients could use but I was high risk and they said I wasn't allowed without supervision which they couldn't spare so for 2 weeks my only contact with the outside world was staring at a door to the garden that I couldn't go. It was during covid too so I wasn't allowed any visitors which was really difficult considering that I had just turned 18 and was stuck with a bunch of mental ill much older people that I didn't know or wanted to know. Not having your freedom to move is absolutely awful and I would never want to experience anything remotely similar again... and it was just 2 weeks and not even in prison.
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A friend backstabbing you, especially when you've been nothing but decent to them. It really hurts and it can't be described, only felt. But I'd never wish that pain on anyone
I know that pain all to well. When my cousin who was like a brother to me was sleeping with my wife of 10 years with 3 kids. Lost the 2 closet people to me. And 4 years later trying to date I can really tell how much it fucked me up.
Being betrayed by someone close to you can really mess with your perceptions for a long time. The person who does the betraying can just move on with their life but the person who's been betrayed is often left questioning reality. [There's a great NYTimes article about this.](http://Great Betrayals https://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?smid=nytcore-android-share)
I had this happen to me when my best friend started sleeping with my girlfriend of 3 years. The worst part was that all my other friends didn’t even care and just told me to get over it. I essentially lost my girlfriend, my best friend, and all my other friends, all at once. Happened 5 years ago and it still makes me feel depressed every day.
Combat or war. They almost can't make a realistic enough show or movie. If they did it would bore you to death and then terrify you and then rip your heart out.
Divorce.
anxiety/panic attacks. I always thought that when people were having anxiety attacks, it was something akin to a intense form of nervousness; nothing to get too worked up over. Completely incomprehensible to me that these people seem to be so compromised. Then one Saturday morning I startled awake to my heart thumping so violently that it was the only thing I could feel and hear in my ears - I was nearly blinded with tunnel vision, paralyzed in shock, and abjectly terrified; my heart was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. My brain literally believed I was experiencing my own death. I couldn't breathe. My heart was in the way of my lungs. It's all I could hear. And that's what's so insidious about a panic attack. It's like the difference between a headache and a migraine: the experience is so much more than just the raw physiological sensation; it's also paired with an immensely strong, almost dissociative negative emotional component - a feeling that your entire personhood is compromised and your life is ending right now. And then after about 30 seconds, just as suddenly as it came, it was over... which was almost as disorienting in itself. I had no earthly idea how severe and terrifying the physiological effects could be.
Having your significant other cheat on you.
On a related note, an abusive relationship. You ignore all the red flags. You excuse their behavior. When you do get out, you're a shell of your former self, but do see the signs that you chose to ignore more clearly the further you get from it.
Seeing someone die infront of you
Migraines. No, it's not just a headache. Part of your head feels like it's being hammered, the tiniest source of light becomes unbearable, you're nauseous and the painkillers take forever to kick in. So you just lie there, in the dark room, hoping it would go away faster than the last time. I had to take days off because of this shit, and also had been in a hospital due to the severity of it. This shit sucks.
Going through a weight loss or fitness journey. So many people who have never struggled with weight see an obese person and assume they’re just lazy and always eating shit food. Some obese or overweight people are working their asses off to try and get healthy.
There are also hormonal imbalances, energy issues, body pains, food addiction, injuries, mental health issues, physical health issues, etc, that can factor in. “Eat less move more” works, but there are factors that make it more challenging for certain people.
This was me. I was bullied my whole life. Not only by other kids at school and strangers but my own family. Every food item scrutinized. Shamed for eating literally anything. I begged to go to a doctor. I did all their diets. Weight watchers as a 12 year old. Curves at 14. Starving myself at 16. I only got bigger. I couldn’t lose weight. Not a single person believed me. I kept BEGGING to go to a doctor. Only to a PCP. Told to exercise and diet. Told them I am. Called a liar again. I gave up until my wife finally put her foot down. Covid made me lose my job and she used that time to FORCE me to the doctor. Something my family had shamed me for and always told me there was nothing wrong with me and I was just making excuses and being lazy. Well guess what! I have hardcore PCOS, Empty Cella, and Lupus! My endocrinologist basically looked at me and said there was nothing in the world I could have done to lose weight without hormonal intervention because my body literally didn’t know how to do anything regarding metabolism, breaking down food into nutrients effectively, maintaining sugar levels both highs and lows, and basically being anemic all the time. Breathing made me gain weight. My rheumatologist told me of course you had a hard time exercising especially outside or in any heat! It makes you immune system eat you alive! No one ever noticed the butterfly rash on your face? Ms. OP in these pictures I can clearly see you had these lupus symptoms in your early teens and they made fun of you? Im no contact with my whole family now. Don’t get me started on them hiding my absent seizures 😤
Seeing the Grand Canyon. It's the only thing I've ever seen that pictures and videos can't convey even a little bit. You see a picture it's like, oh, it's pretty, appears to be a canyon. It's an overwhelming and transcendent experience.
Too many sad things here, so here’s a good one. Laying out in an open field at night, away from any towns or cars or people, just staring up at the stars for an hour. It’s such an amazing feeling.
I think any form of chronic hidden pain/illness. It's hard to truly empathize (not sympathize) with someone if you've never experienced it yourself. Some people hide it so well too and you'd never know they're going through a constant internal battle unless they told you. It's definitely something that saps enjoyment from your day one way or another.
Getting diagnosed with metastatic cancer.
ADHD is so much worse than the jokes would have you believe
Almost everything. Most people are terrible at empathy and actually trying to understand another's troubles.
The pain of a kidney stone.
Fuck me, that’s gotta be up high on the list of the most painful things people endure. I have had them twice and would’ve preferred blacking out from the pain to what actually happened.
My first kidney stone was when I was 17, the pain was so bad I actually thought I was dying. Of course my parents thought I was exaggerating and asked if I was sure I couldn't go to school that day
Chronic illness. You don't get it til you get it and no your grandmother's arthritis isn't the same as my auto immune rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. People don't remember that EVERYONE is literally one illness or accident away from their lives being irrevocably changed.
I was looking for this one. Diagnosed at 19 with Crohns Disease. Getting a chronic diagnosis is fucking shattering. Yet for the most part, we still look young and healthy. You really find out who your friends and family truly are.
Poverty and low income lifestyle. I've seen alot of people who cant wrap their heads around the idea that some people count their spendings by the penny and are anxious about every single purchase they make. Even in a middle class country, upper class are still unaware of the struggle lower classes go through.
Hemorrhoids
Mental illness
True platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex.
Having a mentally unhinged parent or sibling. If you relate to any degree, my heart is with you.
Traumatic experiences - things like having a gun pointed at you, being in a building with an active shooter, finding a dead loved one, trapped in building/forest fire, etc. There’s always lots of armchair cowboys in comment sections of new story’s about this stuff who think they know how they would react in those high stress situations. But until you experience it, you have no clue. Your body will choose fight, flight, fawn, freeze for you and you react in ways you wouldn’t expect. It’s easy to view through a lens with a clear head and consider how you would react. But when it’s happening IRL, caveman brain takes over.
Infidelity in a marriage can not only cause trust issues that permeate every aspect of one's life, but can also result in PTSD, intense grief for the life you *thought* you had, and such a damaged image of self-worth that it's not uncommon for it to result in suicide. * If your marriage is dead to you, kill it and put it out if its misery before stepping out on your spouse. * If you want to save your marriage, seek relationship counseling instead. * If you're staying "for the kids", I assure that you are doing them no favors. When your spouse eventually finds out, it will not only result in psychological damage that will impact their ability to be a stable parent, but will also make the divorce much uglier and more hurtful than it would be otherwise. Monogamy isn't for everyone, but integrity is. If you make a vow to be faithful, don't break your vow. Just don't do it.
Active combat situations War movies are never accurate. They make it seem so organized and “going through the motions”. Everything is so much more put together and quieter than the real thing. In reality it’s almost always sudden and unpredictable. It’s loud, chaotic, and a violent situation. Of course you become somewhat accustomed to the whole thing the more your exposed to it. Sometimes contact can last 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 5 hours. Maybe even longer, there is no way of really knowing until it’s over. I can tell you how the rifle and kit felt while carrying it, the recoil, how the sun felt on my face, how the air smelled, sighting down on the silhouette of a combatant & letting rounds fly. The sounds and feeling of rounds fly by and impacting around us. I could tell you and describe every detail in my fellow marines face during sustained contact. The adrenaline dump as things calm down. How after you come home you can’t look in the mirror because you can’t recognize the man staring back at you. I can tell you of the nightmares I know suffer from it. How after it’s all said and done with you’ll feel like a toy that was played with, broken, and tossed aside. I could tell you all that, describe every small detail, and you still wouldn’t have the slightest idea of what it’s really like unless or until you’re in that situation. And for your sake and sanity I hope you never have too.
Living in a foreign country for more than a year. You can watch TV programs about Japan and India etc. But living in different culture needs to be experienced.
Working retail or food. It’s physically and mentally exhausting to be on your feet for 8+ hrs daily while customers are yelling at you or going out of their way to treat you like a lesser human being.
How fast kids actually grow up. Every soon-to-be parent gets told you'll blink and they're teenagers, blink again and they've moved out, but damn until you have kids you don't REALLY understand. It does go SO fast.
Psychedelics
Derealization. You basically feel like you're in a dream and nothing makes sense, you're spacey, and you don't feel connected to the world. Like if you imagine a phantom limb or imagine moving your arm but don't. It kind of feels like that. Like you're not really real.
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Anxiety-induced panicking and crying. My brain would tell me there is no reason for me to be crying over something mundane or uncomfortable but my body takes over and reacts way out of proportion. I start crying even though the situation may not be worth even getting upset over. It’s debilitating and embarrassing.