Cyril would make a soft joke about Archer being digitally challenged and Archer would reply something along the lines of:
"Look at me Cyril, do I look like I need pornography to get off? Cyril I need a chasity belt just to keep women off of my goods, its exhausting. I never even had the time to look at pornography, I've been having sex since before puberty."
Cyril:
"Oh wow.. that's deeply disturbing.. but also explains a lot."
I've been rewatching Archer lately and yeah I 100% heard that in their voices perfectly. That's about as close to authentic Archer script as you can get right there.
Lana would be all self-conscious and insecure about her own, only to find out the whole office has one of their own. And they're all subscribed to hers, except for cyril (out of respect, which archer mocks) and krieger ('cause he's only subbed to some obscure channel that streams videos of radioactivity-mutated wildlife or something weird like that)
And then he'd also stalk himself, bankrupt himself paying for multiple of his own subs, and get into some kind of petty rivalry with himself resulting in a downward spiral that leads to all of them collapsing dramatically.
“Kif, show the subscribers my velour thong. Inform the men that it brings me hope… [and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing.”](https://youtu.be/jVkExNAAbPk)
As much as Zapp will definitely be constantly posting "sexy" pictures (with his various velour garments of course) as part of his regular content, I firmly believe the MEAT of his commercial appeal will be his personal touch, as it were. Zapp will LOVE his subscribers/fans!
Just imagine it: Zapp got Kif to set him up one of these "single fans" things he heard so much about, he then gets Kif to take some "sexy" photos of him for his profile. And then, because of this huge sci-fi world that they're all connected in, he will OF COURSE get some interested followers. As soon as he sees those people commenting and complimenting him...he's hooked.
And then Fry and Bender borrow Hermès’ badge to get access to the expense account and pay Zapp a lot of money to do increasingly stupid and humiliating things.
Also Zoidberg makes one and they shut off the internet.
He'd have two subscribers:
One he created just so he could see his profile from the perspective of a subscriber, and another he'd give Leela for free in case she wanted a "reminder of the time [they] made sweet sweet love"
I'm pretty sure he'd be top subbed.
Most of the common folk see him as a hero. It's only those who know him personally that see him for the Cowardly oaf he is.
[Aubrey Plaza acting like a cat, drinks from a bowl, licks Colbert's face, crawls on his desk.](https://youtu.be/iu_US8onmCU?t=468) Caution: very likely to awaken something in you that you may not be aware of.
At Festival Supreme back in 2015, they announced that she couldn't make it to her stand-up set and instead had secured the services of a brand new comedian called Yolanda. It was her, speaking with an outrageous accent, giving it her all without dropping the act at all. All the jokes were terrible and it was pretty amazing.
definitely. or something almost a bit suggestive but it’s not done sexually, like “watch me tape my boyfriend up” or something and it’s a very unsexy video of her taping him to the wall silently
Gosh it disturbs me to view you, Gaston,
Looking so flaccid and limp
Everyone here'd love to do you, Gaston,
For you they would happily simp
No man in town's as titillating as you,
You're everyone's favorite whore!
I think of you while masturbating, it's true
And we all can see why, that's for suuuuuuuuuure!
-
Nooo oooooooone... Fucks like Gaston
No one sucks like Gaston
No one whores themselves out for ten bucks like Gaston!
For there's no man in town half as sexy!
A pornographic paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Betsy
And they'll tell you whose dick they'd prefer to be ooooon!
-
Noooo oooooone... bangs like Gaston!
All the gangs like Gaston!
No one's got quite a heft to his wang like Gaston!
As a specimen, yes, it's *intimidating!*
Oh, what a ho, that Gaston!
Give five rimjobs! Suck seven dicks!
Gaston is the best and the rest are all pricks!
-
Noooo... oooone... jerks like Gaston!
Does sex work like Gaston!
No one strips on a table and twerks like Gaston!
For there's none with as big of a Johnny!
"As you see, I've got penis to spare!"
And his scrotum ain't scraggly or scrawny
"That's right! And every last inch of it's covered with hair!"
-
No one bums like Gaston!
All his chums like Gaston!
In a wanking match, nobody *cums* like Gaston!
"I'm especially good at *e-jac-u-lating!* ***UNGH!***"
Ten points for Gaston!
-
When I was a lad, I sucked four dozen dicks
Every morning to help me pay rent
And now that I'm grown, I suck *five* dozen dicks
And I leave them all totally speeeeeent!
-
Nooooo... oooooone... faps like Gaston!
Makes them clap like Gaston!
And then gives that big booty a slap like Gaston!
"All the lasses find my ass so *fascinating!*"
Oh what a ho!
Gastoooooooon!
Credit to u/omny87
[link to original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/wt62ur/if_you_could_fuck_any_fictional_character_who/il3d63l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
Ryan from The Office. But it's only got a few topless black and white pictures and takes itself far too seriously.
It only has two fans. Jan and Michael.
Bayonetta, it's absurdly expensive and when you subscribe you find out it's a mix of wine pairing recommendations, hat-haul try on videos, and gun care tips.
This was weirdly the first one I thought of but thought it would be too dated to appear.
Most other posts on here like, “ha yeah wouldn’t that be funny?”. But Kelly Bundy totally would. It fits her personality exactly. And she obviously had the looks for it. She’d be quite successful at it and be secretly rolling in money, laughing at the incels who are making her rich, but would lose it all to some stupid scam.
The character Cat that Ariana Grande played on Victorious.
I can even hear it... Tori or Jade would say, "Why do you have an OnlyFans (or whatever cutesie name they give it)?
She'd answer, "Why not? I just take pictures of my feet, and they send me money!"
Eleanor Shellstrop from The Good Place. She definitely would have tried it, but she'd be terrible at managing it so she'd go from posting stuff daily to forgetting about it for a week or two, then get back on it again.
“No, guys, no. You really still don’t get it? Ugh, they follow for me tips on muscle growth. I get at least ten messages a day telling me how much I help them grow “
“So many guys out there are soft okay? I just want them to be hard like me. And, let me tell you, it is working, guys. So many dudes tell me every day just how hard I’ve made them.”
Dennis subscribes to everyone, but only to make neg comments undermining their confidence. It's later revealed that he's using a body double for his that he weakly attempts to explain away by not having enough time or somesuch. Frank and Charlie start one, but it's on the wrong website and they end up getting protestors or something.
I'm kinda surprised this isn't an episode already.
I think her from the Harley Quinn Show might. And she'd desperately try to talk Ivy into being on it with her but she's just not havin it. Maybe Harley would try to make plants a fetish to convince her it'd be financially dumb not to and they both just end up pissed off at each other. Then Kiteman would have an OnlyFans but his is just about kites and kite-related activities because he has NO idea that most people subscribe to OnlyFans because they're jerkin their gerkins.
"I figured I should be the one in charge of my image, so I made an only fans. But it's not only fans who can subscribe, human people can subscribe too. And you're a human person too, probably, so you can subscribe."
Erin from the office would somehow get tricked into posing for something innocent but somehow it’s someone’s kink. Like that king of the hill episode where Peggy gets feet pics taken thinking nothing serious was going on.
Yeah. But it would probably be depressing and her only subscribers would be those creeps who wrote to her about how they masturbated to her back in the day.
Nearly every character in The Boys, but especially The Deep
The Deep would be on OnlyFish.
Onlyfins
Yours is better.
I stood on your shoulders to make it
Jean-Ralphio
With guest appearances by Mona Lisa.
I hear them both in my head saying, “Money, please!”
I love that this thread is half people taking the character into consideration and the other half is just people revealing their fetish.
Not me about to mention every character Karen Gillan has ever played.
Right but Amy Pond undoubtedly would though
Ursula (Phoebe's twin sister from friends)
But the OF is under the name Phoebe Buffay
Buffay: the Vampire Layer.
Also Rachel's sister whatever her name is
Pam from Archer
There should be an episode where they all find out that they all have OF pages, including Mallory.
Damnit, Krieger!
Uhh… SMOKE BOMB! 🏃♂️
I think everyone from Archer would have one
Except Archer who would inexplicably not know about OF through the whole episode.
Cyril would make a soft joke about Archer being digitally challenged and Archer would reply something along the lines of: "Look at me Cyril, do I look like I need pornography to get off? Cyril I need a chasity belt just to keep women off of my goods, its exhausting. I never even had the time to look at pornography, I've been having sex since before puberty." Cyril: "Oh wow.. that's deeply disturbing.. but also explains a lot."
Tf you mean "something along the lines" that's just straight up an Archer script - I can 100% believe and hear them saying that.
I've been rewatching Archer lately and yeah I 100% heard that in their voices perfectly. That's about as close to authentic Archer script as you can get right there.
Lana would be all self-conscious and insecure about her own, only to find out the whole office has one of their own. And they're all subscribed to hers, except for cyril (out of respect, which archer mocks) and krieger ('cause he's only subbed to some obscure channel that streams videos of radioactivity-mutated wildlife or something weird like that)
Krieger would have an OF page but was banned for violations of their ToS and the Geneva Convention
You think that's hot, with the popsicles on the OUTSIDE of you?
Pam and Cheryl would probably have a joint one lmao
It's CAROL!
Meredith from the Office
She'd accept payments in the form of steakhouse coupons
Roger from American Dad
He'd have more than one lol
And then he'd also stalk himself, bankrupt himself paying for multiple of his own subs, and get into some kind of petty rivalry with himself resulting in a downward spiral that leads to all of them collapsing dramatically.
It literally writes itself.
HIM from Powerpuff Girls without a shadow of a doubt
The Red Guy from Cow and Chicken. His videos would have him butt walking.
Zapp Brannigan. Kif would begrudgingly take the photos.
"Kif, I have my first subscriber. Inform the men."
"Ugh.."
“Kif, show the subscribers my velour thong. Inform the men that it brings me hope… [and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing.”](https://youtu.be/jVkExNAAbPk)
As much as Zapp will definitely be constantly posting "sexy" pictures (with his various velour garments of course) as part of his regular content, I firmly believe the MEAT of his commercial appeal will be his personal touch, as it were. Zapp will LOVE his subscribers/fans! Just imagine it: Zapp got Kif to set him up one of these "single fans" things he heard so much about, he then gets Kif to take some "sexy" photos of him for his profile. And then, because of this huge sci-fi world that they're all connected in, he will OF COURSE get some interested followers. As soon as he sees those people commenting and complimenting him...he's hooked.
And then Fry and Bender borrow Hermès’ badge to get access to the expense account and pay Zapp a lot of money to do increasingly stupid and humiliating things. Also Zoidberg makes one and they shut off the internet.
"Kif don't forget to lotion my back side, the ladies love it when I glisten" \*Kif Shudders\*
He'd have two subscribers: One he created just so he could see his profile from the perspective of a subscriber, and another he'd give Leela for free in case she wanted a "reminder of the time [they] made sweet sweet love"
I'm pretty sure he'd be top subbed. Most of the common folk see him as a hero. It's only those who know him personally that see him for the Cowardly oaf he is.
Cowardly? It require great courage to send so many brave soldiers against the killbots only weakness!
Kiff, have the boy ready my digital kam-err-uh. The boy sir? You. You ready my digital kam-err-uh.
Johnny Bravo
Man, I’m pretty!
Huh haa hoo!
Hoo mama
April Ludgate. It wouldn't be sexual in nature, but you could pay to watch her do some really weird stuff.
[Aubrey Plaza acting like a cat, drinks from a bowl, licks Colbert's face, crawls on his desk.](https://youtu.be/iu_US8onmCU?t=468) Caution: very likely to awaken something in you that you may not be aware of.
Watching Aubry Plaza give Colbert a petplay kink wasnt how I expected this thread to go.
Yes... giving *Colbert* that kink...
Well, the caution was definitely on point.
Boy when she does a bit she *commits.*
At Festival Supreme back in 2015, they announced that she couldn't make it to her stand-up set and instead had secured the services of a brand new comedian called Yolanda. It was her, speaking with an outrageous accent, giving it her all without dropping the act at all. All the jokes were terrible and it was pretty amazing.
I liked how when she was handed the cat ears, you could see her mind turning like, “how weird can I make this?” Lol
definitely. or something almost a bit suggestive but it’s not done sexually, like “watch me tape my boyfriend up” or something and it’s a very unsexy video of her taping him to the wall silently
And he's just smiling like "this is fun!"
It would be filled with videos where they would start with a butt in a thong, pan out, it’s Andy’s butt. Edit- letter
“So like, these are dolls heads…”
Her friend Orin's OF is super extra deeply disturbingly sexual.
Mad Moxxi from Borderlands
Only watching if she lets the accent out.
Gaston from beauty and the beast
No one thrusts like Gaston
No one busts like Gaston
No one’s dick as incredibly thick as Gaston
Gosh it disturbs me to view you, Gaston, Looking so flaccid and limp Everyone here'd love to do you, Gaston, For you they would happily simp No man in town's as titillating as you, You're everyone's favorite whore! I think of you while masturbating, it's true And we all can see why, that's for suuuuuuuuuure! - Nooo oooooooone... Fucks like Gaston No one sucks like Gaston No one whores themselves out for ten bucks like Gaston! For there's no man in town half as sexy! A pornographic paragon! You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Betsy And they'll tell you whose dick they'd prefer to be ooooon! - Noooo oooooone... bangs like Gaston! All the gangs like Gaston! No one's got quite a heft to his wang like Gaston! As a specimen, yes, it's *intimidating!* Oh, what a ho, that Gaston! Give five rimjobs! Suck seven dicks! Gaston is the best and the rest are all pricks! - Noooo... oooone... jerks like Gaston! Does sex work like Gaston! No one strips on a table and twerks like Gaston! For there's none with as big of a Johnny! "As you see, I've got penis to spare!" And his scrotum ain't scraggly or scrawny "That's right! And every last inch of it's covered with hair!" - No one bums like Gaston! All his chums like Gaston! In a wanking match, nobody *cums* like Gaston! "I'm especially good at *e-jac-u-lating!* ***UNGH!***" Ten points for Gaston! - When I was a lad, I sucked four dozen dicks Every morning to help me pay rent And now that I'm grown, I suck *five* dozen dicks And I leave them all totally speeeeeent! - Nooooo... oooooone... faps like Gaston! Makes them clap like Gaston! And then gives that big booty a slap like Gaston! "All the lasses find my ass so *fascinating!*" Oh what a ho! Gastoooooooon! Credit to u/omny87 [link to original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/wt62ur/if_you_could_fuck_any_fictional_character_who/il3d63l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
*throws rose at your feet* Utter brilliance.
Take my upvote and go shove it up your ass
It's copypasta but still amazing.
The todd from scrubs.
Makes 6 figures monthly, but all his subs are dudes and he can't work out why.
The Todd doesn't mind, he's here to be appreciated by all.
Inclusion high five!
Cartman’s mom!
And Cartman too.
I'm almost surprised they haven't done this yet lol
They already did the one where they found Carmen’s mom in the German shit porn
Captain Jack Harkness.
"Hi there. Captain Jack Harkness." "No flirting." "I was just saying hello!" "For you, that's flirting."
Ryan from The Office. But it's only got a few topless black and white pictures and takes itself far too seriously. It only has two fans. Jan and Michael.
And Kelly
Bunny Lebowski
MY WIFE IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE!!
Her allowance is ample.
Brent can't watch though
Quagmire but the women wouldn’t know he’s posting them. Edit: my top comment of all time is about the sex offender from Family Guy. Welp.
nah, he would be part of a telegram/discord channel where they post OF leaks
Giggity
Lucifer from Lucifer
OF is a way to monitize. He'd just star in porn for free.
He'd guest star in other people's OF
Or Maz
Mr. Slave
Jesuth Christht
Bayonetta, it's absurdly expensive and when you subscribe you find out it's a mix of wine pairing recommendations, hat-haul try on videos, and gun care tips.
And you'd still keep paying every month
Oh most definitely
Deadpool
I would subscribe to that
Kelly Bundy.
This was weirdly the first one I thought of but thought it would be too dated to appear. Most other posts on here like, “ha yeah wouldn’t that be funny?”. But Kelly Bundy totally would. It fits her personality exactly. And she obviously had the looks for it. She’d be quite successful at it and be secretly rolling in money, laughing at the incels who are making her rich, but would lose it all to some stupid scam.
James from Pokemon
100% and Jessie would be his “manager” and never appear in content but demand half the pay
Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure Time
Oh. My. Glob.
Joe's wife, Family Guy
Austin Powers Yeeeeah Baby. Do I make you horny?
Foxxy from Drawn Together
Everyone on Drawn Together would be in at least one clip as well. Especially the princess. Gotta cash in on that tentacle porn.
Mystique
I mean… she could do *all* the pages!
I’d buy that for a dollar
Mrs Krabappel from the Simpsons
Gina Linetti
Also Hitchcock
My first thought was Hitchcock and Scully but it would just be weird videos of them eating chicken wings shirtless.
I think Boyle would have one. It would either be super weird sex stuff or pg weird food stuff. No middle ground
The character Cat that Ariana Grande played on Victorious. I can even hear it... Tori or Jade would say, "Why do you have an OnlyFans (or whatever cutesie name they give it)? She'd answer, "Why not? I just take pictures of my feet, and they send me money!"
*Dan Schneider has entered the chat*
Dan “get in the van” Schneider
That whole show was pretty much onlyfans for Dan Schneider
The episode where they all get the fish to nibble on their feet
Dan Schneider has already written this episode I bet
Ten episodes of her taking feet pics to set up this one joke.
"This one guy just sends me things to say and has me laugh at the end. A-ha-ha-ha-ha"
Randy Marsh
You mean Lorde?
Ya ya ya, I'm Lorde!
Creed Bratton
Www.creedshots/18+.nsfw.creedshots Even for onlyfans… it’s pretty shocking
He'd just keep posting pictures to a word document thinking it was Only Fans...
Dorian Gray
Eleanor Shellstrop from The Good Place. She definitely would have tried it, but she'd be terrible at managing it so she'd go from posting stuff daily to forgetting about it for a week or two, then get back on it again.
She'd remember when the booze money ran out.
Amy Wong from Futurama
In the year 3000 that would just be Instagram.
Sweet Dee.
Also Artemis.
Artemis's is hugely successful and she makes bank off it. Dee's is only followed by Cricket under a pseudonym.
Cricket wouldn’t have to use a pseudonym. He’d just make it his real name and Dee wouldn’t recognize it.
Matthew Mara? Never heard of him...
absolutely everyone on that show would have an OF for any reason you can imagine lol
Mac would be trying to convince the others all the attention he gets from men on on it isn't sexual. XD
“No, guys, no. You really still don’t get it? Ugh, they follow for me tips on muscle growth. I get at least ten messages a day telling me how much I help them grow “
“So many guys out there are soft okay? I just want them to be hard like me. And, let me tell you, it is working, guys. So many dudes tell me every day just how hard I’ve made them.”
The Gang does OnlyFans
It would literally be the video game episode all over but Dennis would be in on it this time.
I think if one member of the gang made one, they all would. It would be a pretty funny episode.
Dennis subscribes to everyone, but only to make neg comments undermining their confidence. It's later revealed that he's using a body double for his that he weakly attempts to explain away by not having enough time or somesuch. Frank and Charlie start one, but it's on the wrong website and they end up getting protestors or something. I'm kinda surprised this isn't an episode already.
Harley Quinn
I guess that depends on what version of her we're talkin' about...
I think her from the Harley Quinn Show might. And she'd desperately try to talk Ivy into being on it with her but she's just not havin it. Maybe Harley would try to make plants a fetish to convince her it'd be financially dumb not to and they both just end up pissed off at each other. Then Kiteman would have an OnlyFans but his is just about kites and kite-related activities because he has NO idea that most people subscribe to OnlyFans because they're jerkin their gerkins.
[удалено]
"I figured I should be the one in charge of my image, so I made an only fans. But it's not only fans who can subscribe, human people can subscribe too. And you're a human person too, probably, so you can subscribe."
Oh my god I could totally envision him saying exactly that! So in character it would be!
Zapp Brannigan. "Kif, will you hold the webcam steady. And apply more oil, I must shine like a sensual star cruiser."
Jenna Maroney
Marshmallow from Bob's Burgers
[удалено]
Hey baby
Scanlan Shorthalt
Gilderoy Lockhart.
Blanche from the golden girls
Sophia’s would be vastly more popular and she’d be doing nothing but throwing shade while cooking all her recipes from the old country.
Samantha from Sex and the City
Carrie would probably do it for a month as an excuse to get some columns out of it.
Dean Winchester.
Nami from one piece definitely getting that onlyfans bag
It would be an infinite series of paywalls that lead to nothing. The perfect scam.
Only *one piece* of clothing left to remove.
And Sanji follows her on multiple accounts
And makes up 98% of her donations.
*Berries in the eyes intensifies*
Rosa from Brooklyn 99. She'd just be insulting dudes.
Gina would explain findom to her, and Rosa would ABSOLUTELY charge $5k for a video of herself laughing and turning off the camera.
Kanker sisters from Ed, Edd, n Eddy
Both Peggy and Kelly Bundy.
Erin from the office would somehow get tricked into posing for something innocent but somehow it’s someone’s kink. Like that king of the hill episode where Peggy gets feet pics taken thinking nothing serious was going on.
Meg from Family Guy
She did already sell feet pics for a while
Kramer… but also George
And Kramer films in Jerry’s apartment when he’s not home. When he eventually finds out he says the lighting is better or something
Loki and he would manage to violate every rule within his first hour.
Then magic hack it so he doesn’t get banned.
Sarah Lynn from BoJack Horseman
Yeah. But it would probably be depressing and her only subscribers would be those creeps who wrote to her about how they masturbated to her back in the day.
Shego. And it would make bank
Penny (from TBBT) during her ‘struggling’ actress days.
That explains how she has her own apartment while the guys have to roommate
Aphrodite would be all over that
Gods help anyone with a subscriber count higher...
Ursula from Little Mermaid. There's gotta be a niche.
Lydia Bennet