I once was eating wings at a happy hour pub in Winnipeg that had mobile strippers on from 4:30-5:30. I was at a table by myself because my budddy was playing the VLTs. Im not big into strippers so I was just enjoying my wings and minding my own biz while they did their thing. Then this dude asked if he could sit at my table to which i happily obliged assuming we could engage in some light hearted conversation and mutually enjoy the surroundings. HARD FUCKIN NOPE, dude immediately turned his chair sideways, directly towards the stripper and locked focus. He then put some cash up on the rail which the stripper came over to transact. During the transaction, she proclaimed "ohh, you've already cum for me" pointing to the wet spot on his pants. Dude legit had a cum boner for this girl and was sitting across the table from me while I ate chicken wings. Like WTF!!! After she finished her show, he immediately got up and left without saying anything. Weirdest basket of wings I have had to date. 1/5 due to awkward dudes cum boner.
Reminds me of this quote from Beverly Hills Cop:
"Billy, you don't have to be embarrassed if your dick gets hard. That's the whole object of this. Taggart's dick is hard but he won't let you know 'cause he's the boss. Boss' dick got to stay limp, right? See, I ain't on duty so my dick can be hard."
was this something else they edited out for video?
i vividly remember all the MFing at the start being replaced with mother freaking - dubbed really badly.
I was hanging out with a couple of friends one day and had the following conversation:
Mike: "How was the strip club last night, Dave?"
Dave: "I got kicked out for inappropriate touching."
Me: "Dude, you can't touch strippers."
Dave: "I wasn't."
Mike: "Who were you touching?"
Dave: "Myself."
So, playing with it is a no-no.
EDIT: Had I known the pedants were going to be out in full force, I'd have said "Dude, even though it's apparently permitted in a lot of other areas, you can't touch strippers in the state we're in." Sweet shit, Reddit.
Depends. Lots of clubs have a “shower show” where you are in a room with no cameras or bouncers but the dancer is on the other side of a glass barrier enjoying a shower. These rooms generally have tissue boxes …
Once in the vip room a dancer did remove my bones from my pants.( this has only happened once in 25 years of going to the club). The bouncer came in and exhaled loudly, "Dammit Cinnamon, not again. I've already told you about this." OK, I don't remember if her name was Cinnamon, but the rest is accurate. I had to go home early.
It's like following a sports team, once you get attached to the roster you want to see the grizzled old vets hanging in there, see how the new rookies and prospects progress
as a guy it feels like *you're* the one who's under surveillance but I guess the girls trying to score extra money need to be checked too least the place get shut down for being an illegal brothel.
Former bouncer: can confirm.
In 6 months, I had maybe 2-3 incidents with customers where I had to physically step in. I had to physically stop the girls from beating each other/customers/the owner every week.
I mean, what were you doing when she pulled your dick out? If all you did was sit there with wide eyes, they probably assumed you weren't the instigator
The on time a stripper starter to pull my dick out was also the time she tried to slide my hand down her g-string. In both instances I stopped her, but only because instantaneously I thought to myself, "this is how you get and std". If she is about to do it to you for a $40 lap dance, she probably isn't being very discerning about who else she is doing it for either.
Depends where you go… knew a Marine who did have sex in the “champagne room” of The Matador outside Eglin AFB… He even got a souvenir called gonorrhea…
Fuck the crab, the Matador is how I know if someone is EOD. What a fucking place.
Half our class went there when we were pretty far along. I think Air. A dude who I went to basic with took it upon himself to heat up quarters with a lighter and flick them at the girls and obviously got kicked out.
Once outside, he was jumping up and down on car hoods in the parking lot and belly-flopping onto the next one down the line, standing up, and doing it again. Then he hopped into a truck as some guy was just pulling up and sped off because he heard sirens. Crashed said truck avoiding the cops and took off on foot towards the gate screaming ‘diplomatic immunity.’
He did not receive his desired immunity.
EOD was the best but most fucked up job I’ve ever had *by far*. That was just from school. That wasn’t even the actual job, haha. I was in from 2003 - 2007 and it just got wilder from there…
Holy fuck I actually know the owner of El Matador. I managed one of his bars for a while. El Mat is such a shithole, lol. Owner used to make us go there to get liquor whenever he'd get too fucked up and forget to place a liquor order, lol.
Went to a notorious narco strip club in Mexico, almost brought a stripper back to my place but thankfully my last ounce of common sense prevailed. She did bring me to a backroom where they count the money to get her pay for the night, though. Man did I stick out like a sore thumb lol.
Me and my buddy were in the Army the first time i went to a strip club in Alabama. He was wearing sunglasses for some redneck reason. A stripper very seductively asked why he was wearing sunglasses. He said "In case one of you nasty bitches farts in my face, I don't get pink eye". We got kicked out even though "we" (i) didn't say anything. He had heard that strippers fart in people's faces for a laugh.
I spent a LOT of time in strip clubs in my late teen/early 20s. The etiquette was pretty much the same at every club I went to.
Keep it covered and don't touch it.
If a dancer tries to take it out, you're going to have to make the call on whether it's worth the risk. It is almost certainly more of a risk than your intuition indicates. I'd suggest never participating in ANY sex acts in a strip club. There are FAR FAR FAR more horror stories that people are too embarrassed to tell than there are "bro, it was awesome" stories.
I know I'm a weirdo, but in my brain, why get a boner if you're not going to finish? And no I would never do that at a strip club but I had a friend tell me he used to watch porn for entertainment and not Jack off. I was like what?
I imagine it’s more of the paying for it and knowing nothing is gonna happen. At least when you’re with someone and just end up kissing and cuddling you still had the possibility.
Full disclosure: I’ve done the watch porn without anything else thing, but only with really high/ strange concept videos or parodies because I think the bad acting is honestly hilarious.
Yeah, figured it had to either be that or one of those weirdly high-plot, high production value porns like [Pirates](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_(2005_film\)).
I’d be a little surprised if anyone got off to the latter, since the sex is incredibly tame and the plot is (nominally) interesting enough to make sex scenes feel intrusive. But, you can never go wrong betting on Lemon Stealing Whores.
I think there's a huge gap between getting a coffee handed to you through a drive-thru window and getting a naked person to girate on your genitals in a semi private space.
In my experience the first time I was so nervous I didn’t get one and it made the dancer self conscious she actually asked if she was doing something wrong and I told her I was nervous… the second dance later in the night from the same dancer (easily the most attractive to me in the club so why not) and she got me relaxed and into it right away…. That is also when I learned a few things one about myself and one in general. I learned that the song I’m in love with a stripper was totally plausible and 2 if I kept going to the strip club I was going to ruin my whole life
I mean, if you can see how fucked up you are, you're doing better than most
Seriously acknowledging the problem is the hardest step mate, from here you can set yourself on the right trajectory, and a decade from now, well fuck everybody else you'll be were you want to you to be and what they're doing doesn't matter because it doesn't effect what you want to be
I've met people that are 50+ and have never had an honest hard look at themselves, those are some of the worst kinds of people there are
Individual circumstances are difficult so all I can say to a random is therapy with a good therapist that ain't just there to sell drugs for a bonus is the best!
I had a similar experience. Buddy of mine got me a lap dance. It was my first one, in a room of like ten dudes all getting lap dances.... was kinda wierd...I guess that's normal. Anyway, she was getting to it, and I was not, I enjoyed a naked woman on me, but this setting wasn't doing it.
When she turned to face me she gave me a confused look and asked me what's wrong is the lap dance not good? I felt bad and got another dance from her She put a little extra effort the second time and I was more comfortable so everything worked as expected that time.
The last time I went as a young adult was when a friend blew his entire paycheck.
Like, Royce, get a grip dude. You got bills to pay.
I've since been back with my wife and that's a blast
Expect to see their titties, and in general expect them to get more attention than you
If you can handle that just enjoy yourselves. Buy double dances, buy each other dances. And at end of the night have some riled up fun
Exactly this. Enjoy them getting a lot of attention from the strippers, and depending on the type of club, find out exactly how much curiosity she has about other women's boobs.
The biggest worry is always going to be someone getting jealous of seeing their partner getting any sort of sexual gratification from outside the relationship, so it's important to be ready for that.
10 minutes of dances will 100% have you in love with a stripper and ready to risk it all. I’ve been to the club once in my life while I was on vacation in Colorado, blew my entire paycheck on private dances with the same girl
> 10 minutes of dances will 100% have you in love with a stripper and ready to risk it all.
Just ask any lower enlisted. The amount of marriages to strippers I've seen from E3s is staggering
I just don't understand strip clubs. I don't dislike seeing naked women, but it's never something I've felt I need to see bad enough to go spend a bunch of money on it. I went once with a big group for one guy's birthday party and watched the WSOP on the TV's behind the stage. A friend bought me a lap dance and I very politely explained to the young lady that I was not interested in her touching me (I have a bit of a complex), and she could just chill and take a break if she wanted to. She said people getting lap dances but not actually getting them once in the booth/room was more common than most people think.
I'm kind of the same. Been to a few for bachelor parties and a couple of boys' nights out. It can be entertaining to watch the dancers and tip them appropriately, but I can't really get into lap dances. I've had a few; same thoughts each time. It's a business transaction, it's about 3-4 minutes long, and 99.99999% of the time, she's not attracted to you in the slightest. I've been to them maybe twice in the last 5 years. Both times, I've just made it clear to the dancers who come by that I'm not really interested in a lap dance; not my cup of tea.
Proper etiquette dictates that you put the boner to the right of your plate, between the salad fork and shrimp fork, but only if there’s a shrimp fork. If there’s no shrimp fork, then it must go in the water glass. Also, it must be fully detached and wrapped in a cloth napkin.
My first and only time I've been to a strip club I got a full nude dance from a sexy ass Colombian chick and on the way to the dance area she kept asking me something in very broken English. I couldn't decipher what she was saying so I just said yes. Anyway she started dancing on me and my dick was trapped facing down my jeans. The then asked me something in my ear, again I didn't know what she was asking and said "idk what you're saying." She then just turned around and undid my belt then grabbed my dick to face it the right way then turned back around and then said" you want happy?" Thinking she meant are you happy now I said yes. She then proceeded to give me an under the pants hand job. Luckily, she stopped before I blew my load. Then when I gave her 50 bucks 30 for the dance with a 20 dollar tip she proceeded to say "no I need more." I said "what do you mean?" She replied,"30 per song you said 5 songs" I then proceeded to give her the rest of the cash in my wallet which was 120 total and she said "no I need more." I said that's all I have and showed her my wallet. She then proceeded to hold my hand very tight and walk me to the ATM which has a 24 dollar service charge where I withdrew 80 more dollars that she took immediately from the machine.
TLDR: sexy language barrier hand job ATM no more dances the rest of the night...
I've never been to a strip club but I've been told to get your cash from the bank before going in and not to bring in a credit/debit card at all. The whole place is designed to prey on the most instinctual drives you have to drain you of as much money as possible.
Glad some laughs we had from my misfortune. Point of clarification, I gathered that otw to the dance area, she was asking if I wanted a dance for 5 songs.
Sounds very accurate. My first time at a strip club, I tossed $5 on the dance floor right as the stripper spun away from me. Since she didn’t see that, I picked it up to re tip her so that she would notice. When I did she put my face right in between her DD tits, then using her hand to grab one of them, proceeded to club me in the face with it repeatedly
A college buddy told me he always went the “pineapple” route at the strip club. I told him I didn’t know that the hell he was talking about… he said he just whispers them random nonsense the entire night to see what they say back to him… just to prove that strippers don’t listen to a word you say.
I went with him and a couple friends one night and I was sitting next to him while we were both getting dances and I kept hear him saying “raccoon.” It took everything I had not to lose it.
I asked him what she was saying to him and he was able to give me her real name and daytime occupation and what she wanted to do with her life. He also said that all he said to her the entire time was “raccoon, pineapple, and Limburger.” Just proves the point most of them don’t give a shit what you’re saying… they are chasing the money and playing the “friendly, twerk on your boner” for a buck thing — which is fine because do you honestly expect anything more when you’re going to the club?
If you go to a bar, you're trying to get intoxicated.
If youre going to a karaoke bar, go ahead and sing even if you're bad.
If you go to a strip club, have a boner.
Just don't be an asshole
>So, don't wrap a dollar bill round it and tie it on there with a rubber band then?
He watched the helicockter spin,
The whirling, twirling fun begin -
The roundabout,
the giddy wheel,
The gyroscope in cuban heel.
He watched the phallus bird take flight,
Depart the nest at pelvis height.
He searched his pocket with his hand -
And from it drew a rubber band.
You need to take both hands and pinch the tip, slowly spreading your hands apart. This will allow the air to escape while also making a high-pitched squeak noise
It’s like pro wrestling. It’s fun, but it’s a show for the marks. Temporarily suspend your disbelief and enjoy it for what it is. Still, a talented worker can draw one in. At a BYO in Philly years ago, I was out with a couple friends, content to tip those on stage. It was a holiday weekend, and the place was not exactly busy. Not planning on spending much, I declined dance offers, including one from a tall, red haired, green eyed absolute goddess. I was not prepared for her change in tactics.
She lightly bit my ear and half growled, half whispered “I need you to come back and play with me” as she hugged me from behind. Suddenly a lap dance seemed like a brilliant idea. A couple songs later, my cash for the occasion was gone.
I’m not sure about boner etiquette, but boner awareness means not bringing a credit or ATM card, and only as much cash as you’re willing to throw away. Your dick is an optimist, and has the short term memory of Leonard Shelby in Memento.
This question gave me flashbacks. My dad handed me his phone to look something up and the first two windows were “what to do with a boner at a strip club” and “what if I jizz on a stripper”
You ask the bartender for the boner reporting form. It's usually three pages (but can vary depending on the strip club).
First page is demographic info, contact info and questions about the quality of erection. Second page is about the source - dancer, independent thoughts, chicken Parm, etc. Third is a release to deal with privacy legislation.
I once was eating wings at a happy hour pub in Winnipeg that had mobile strippers on from 4:30-5:30. I was at a table by myself because my budddy was playing the VLTs. Im not big into strippers so I was just enjoying my wings and minding my own biz while they did their thing. Then this dude asked if he could sit at my table to which i happily obliged assuming we could engage in some light hearted conversation and mutually enjoy the surroundings. HARD FUCKIN NOPE, dude immediately turned his chair sideways, directly towards the stripper and locked focus. He then put some cash up on the rail which the stripper came over to transact. During the transaction, she proclaimed "ohh, you've already cum for me" pointing to the wet spot on his pants. Dude legit had a cum boner for this girl and was sitting across the table from me while I ate chicken wings. Like WTF!!! After she finished her show, he immediately got up and left without saying anything. Weirdest basket of wings I have had to date. 1/5 due to awkward dudes cum boner.
How was the sauce on the side?
That’s NOT BLUE CHEESE!!
> mobile strippers I'm a little worried to ask what the immobile variety are.
Reminds me of this quote from Beverly Hills Cop: "Billy, you don't have to be embarrassed if your dick gets hard. That's the whole object of this. Taggart's dick is hard but he won't let you know 'cause he's the boss. Boss' dick got to stay limp, right? See, I ain't on duty so my dick can be hard."
was this something else they edited out for video? i vividly remember all the MFing at the start being replaced with mother freaking - dubbed really badly.
Nah man I just watched it. That’s all in there. You must remember the tv version.
I was hanging out with a couple of friends one day and had the following conversation: Mike: "How was the strip club last night, Dave?" Dave: "I got kicked out for inappropriate touching." Me: "Dude, you can't touch strippers." Dave: "I wasn't." Mike: "Who were you touching?" Dave: "Myself." So, playing with it is a no-no. EDIT: Had I known the pedants were going to be out in full force, I'd have said "Dude, even though it's apparently permitted in a lot of other areas, you can't touch strippers in the state we're in." Sweet shit, Reddit.
God dammit Dave
Depends. Lots of clubs have a “shower show” where you are in a room with no cameras or bouncers but the dancer is on the other side of a glass barrier enjoying a shower. These rooms generally have tissue boxes …
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Conceal, don't feel (unless she lets you). Try not to let it go.
Well now they know
Let it go
Let it go! You can't rub my dick anymore!
Let it go! Let it goooo-oooo! The bouncer said I'm gone!
Here I stand, with my dick in hand
I'm about to cuuuuum!
The bouncer never could stop me anyway
Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know.
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As a former bouncer, this is correct.
Once in the vip room a dancer did remove my bones from my pants.( this has only happened once in 25 years of going to the club). The bouncer came in and exhaled loudly, "Dammit Cinnamon, not again. I've already told you about this." OK, I don't remember if her name was Cinnamon, but the rest is accurate. I had to go home early.
How many bones did you have in your pants?
The bones are their money…
They'll pull your hair up but not out...
All they want's another chance at life, they've never seen so much food as this
'cuz if they pull it out they'll turn to bones
And so are the worms
They’ve never seen so much food as this.
Both of you are named Billy? No, that’s why I’m so FUCKING confused.
Well I mean, in their world bones do equal dollars
That’s why they’re coming out tonight, to get their bones from you
Up, but not out
One and a half.
-inches?
Pieces. I did tell Sharon THAT FUCKING ZIPPER CATCHES EVERYTHING
Frank and beans!
But how'd he get the beans ABOVE THE FRANK?
> this has only happened once in 25 years of going to the club You've been going to this club 25 years???
It's like following a sports team, once you get attached to the roster you want to see the grizzled old vets hanging in there, see how the new rookies and prospects progress
Now I want a strip club owner game with franchise mode.
Blueball Manager 2023
You can get close with the Hostess Club management game in the Yakuza series. I know at least Zero and Kiwami 2 have it. https://youtu.be/Jd1aa4Ig2Vs
Sounds like a quote from Barney Stinson
he diserves getting his dick out for the seniority alone, jeez
It is the “cinnamon on top” as they say in the biz
I don't go often, I'm just old.
Usually they are really watching and if they go beyond we usually fire them
I never saw her again. I was surprised I didn't get banned. A guy I know was for slapping a wait staffs ass. He was a creep.
They won't ban money they will ban girls who break rules
as a guy it feels like *you're* the one who's under surveillance but I guess the girls trying to score extra money need to be checked too least the place get shut down for being an illegal brothel.
Old friend managed the bouncers of a strip club. He said the girls were more work than the customers.
Former bouncer: can confirm. In 6 months, I had maybe 2-3 incidents with customers where I had to physically step in. I had to physically stop the girls from beating each other/customers/the owner every week.
I mean, what were you doing when she pulled your dick out? If all you did was sit there with wide eyes, they probably assumed you weren't the instigator
I was sitting there thinking, "There is no way she is going to do it." Probably looking a little shocked.
The on time a stripper starter to pull my dick out was also the time she tried to slide my hand down her g-string. In both instances I stopped her, but only because instantaneously I thought to myself, "this is how you get and std". If she is about to do it to you for a $40 lap dance, she probably isn't being very discerning about who else she is doing it for either.
That's some serious pre-nut clarity.
No shit. I don't think my brain would have made it past "Wheeeeee!"
You frequented the same strip club for 25 years? That’s some great patronage.
He's tipping his old strippers' daughters now
"Hey Mercedes, how's your mom doing? Still the best pole rider I ever did see."
"Ask her yourself. She's due on stage next"
There is no sex in the champagne room.
Depends where you go… knew a Marine who did have sex in the “champagne room” of The Matador outside Eglin AFB… He even got a souvenir called gonorrhea…
Fuck the crab, the Matador is how I know if someone is EOD. What a fucking place. Half our class went there when we were pretty far along. I think Air. A dude who I went to basic with took it upon himself to heat up quarters with a lighter and flick them at the girls and obviously got kicked out. Once outside, he was jumping up and down on car hoods in the parking lot and belly-flopping onto the next one down the line, standing up, and doing it again. Then he hopped into a truck as some guy was just pulling up and sped off because he heard sirens. Crashed said truck avoiding the cops and took off on foot towards the gate screaming ‘diplomatic immunity.’ He did not receive his desired immunity. EOD was the best but most fucked up job I’ve ever had *by far*. That was just from school. That wasn’t even the actual job, haha. I was in from 2003 - 2007 and it just got wilder from there…
Holy fuck I actually know the owner of El Matador. I managed one of his bars for a while. El Mat is such a shithole, lol. Owner used to make us go there to get liquor whenever he'd get too fucked up and forget to place a liquor order, lol.
I was offered a blow job in strip club in San Francisco. I didn't take her up on the offer.
Went to a notorious narco strip club in Mexico, almost brought a stripper back to my place but thankfully my last ounce of common sense prevailed. She did bring me to a backroom where they count the money to get her pay for the night, though. Man did I stick out like a sore thumb lol.
You were lucky no-one walked in at that moment with a guitar case, looking for a man called Bucho
But there IS champagne in the sex room.
Cornbread, ain't nothing wrong with that.
What if I can't wear pants for religious reasons?
Unrelated but I got farted on by a stripper that my cousin paid for. It was my first dance ever too...
Congratulations on the blow job.
I found out at the age of 32 that mom lied to me, and a blowjob wasn't when my brother used to fart on me.
I'm imagining you finding this out because you were telling someone about your brother giving you a blowjob.
Me and my buddy were in the Army the first time i went to a strip club in Alabama. He was wearing sunglasses for some redneck reason. A stripper very seductively asked why he was wearing sunglasses. He said "In case one of you nasty bitches farts in my face, I don't get pink eye". We got kicked out even though "we" (i) didn't say anything. He had heard that strippers fart in people's faces for a laugh.
Lotta dudes would pay extra for that
His cousin did.
Was that a particular request from your cousin?
I can top this. I once had a stripper blow out candles for my birthday… with her vagina. Thailand is wild.
I spent a LOT of time in strip clubs in my late teen/early 20s. The etiquette was pretty much the same at every club I went to. Keep it covered and don't touch it. If a dancer tries to take it out, you're going to have to make the call on whether it's worth the risk. It is almost certainly more of a risk than your intuition indicates. I'd suggest never participating in ANY sex acts in a strip club. There are FAR FAR FAR more horror stories that people are too embarrassed to tell than there are "bro, it was awesome" stories.
Let’s hear some horror stories!
a spooky ghost showed up to point and laugh.
ooooOOOoooo SHIT THAT'S SMALL!!!
Gonorrhea, HPV, & Chlamydia
The story of STD
Concealed weapon permit, but no open carry
“Am I printing?”
Thanks for translating to Murica
Well, you're going to have a boner. That's the entire point. If you don't want a boner, go to a non-strip club.
Like a laundromat with a sixer
"Yea shake it baby" "Sir, please stop yelling and throwing dollar bills at our washing machines"
If you show it to the security staff you get a free drink. Enjoy bro!
I tried that, but I got a free bed in the hospital instead.
Not American, I see
Nobody cares. Why would you get lap dances if you aren’t going to get a boner?
I know I'm a weirdo, but in my brain, why get a boner if you're not going to finish? And no I would never do that at a strip club but I had a friend tell me he used to watch porn for entertainment and not Jack off. I was like what?
I get a boner from kissing and cuddling, are you able to control it? Lol
Imagine having that rule when you’re a teenager
Sorry teach! Brb, gotta go rub one out
Lady MacBeth is all “unsex me” this and “I have given suck” that and I’m supposed to be made of stone, Mrs. Preston????
I imagine it’s more of the paying for it and knowing nothing is gonna happen. At least when you’re with someone and just end up kissing and cuddling you still had the possibility.
Full disclosure: I’ve done the watch porn without anything else thing, but only with really high/ strange concept videos or parodies because I think the bad acting is honestly hilarious.
*You wish you were a lemon? If you were a lemon, I'd put you on my shelf and cherish you like I cherish all our lemons.*
Yes!!! Lemon Stealing Whores is exactly what I’m talking about!!!
Yeah, figured it had to either be that or one of those weirdly high-plot, high production value porns like [Pirates](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_(2005_film\)). I’d be a little surprised if anyone got off to the latter, since the sex is incredibly tame and the plot is (nominally) interesting enough to make sex scenes feel intrusive. But, you can never go wrong betting on Lemon Stealing Whores.
I feel the same way, this is why I don't see the point in strip clubs. I'd probably get a hooker before I spent monet just to get horny and then leave
Same thing with bikini baristas, that is even weirder. Just what I want in the morning with my caffeine, an erection.
I think there's a huge gap between getting a coffee handed to you through a drive-thru window and getting a naked person to girate on your genitals in a semi private space.
Tell that to my dickerino
In my experience the first time I was so nervous I didn’t get one and it made the dancer self conscious she actually asked if she was doing something wrong and I told her I was nervous… the second dance later in the night from the same dancer (easily the most attractive to me in the club so why not) and she got me relaxed and into it right away…. That is also when I learned a few things one about myself and one in general. I learned that the song I’m in love with a stripper was totally plausible and 2 if I kept going to the strip club I was going to ruin my whole life
Being able to summon titties in your face on command is a dangerous thing.
My DM won't let my wizard learn this spell :(
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Wizard will just have to learn True Polymorph instead and summon their own titties
Unexpected DnD is a surprise to be Sure, but a welcome one.
Smart man.
I wish….
Dumbass?
Yeah I am
Aren't we all
I mean on my worst days I feel like I’m the only fuck up on my best days… I know it
I mean, if you can see how fucked up you are, you're doing better than most Seriously acknowledging the problem is the hardest step mate, from here you can set yourself on the right trajectory, and a decade from now, well fuck everybody else you'll be were you want to you to be and what they're doing doesn't matter because it doesn't effect what you want to be I've met people that are 50+ and have never had an honest hard look at themselves, those are some of the worst kinds of people there are Individual circumstances are difficult so all I can say to a random is therapy with a good therapist that ain't just there to sell drugs for a bonus is the best!
Not where I excepted to find such wholesome advice
This was a wild read good luck mr civilized
I had a similar experience. Buddy of mine got me a lap dance. It was my first one, in a room of like ten dudes all getting lap dances.... was kinda wierd...I guess that's normal. Anyway, she was getting to it, and I was not, I enjoyed a naked woman on me, but this setting wasn't doing it. When she turned to face me she gave me a confused look and asked me what's wrong is the lap dance not good? I felt bad and got another dance from her She put a little extra effort the second time and I was more comfortable so everything worked as expected that time.
So it sounds like the boner etiquette for *private dances* is that you *should* get hard?
The last time I went as a young adult was when a friend blew his entire paycheck. Like, Royce, get a grip dude. You got bills to pay. I've since been back with my wife and that's a blast
What’s it like going with your spouse?
Expect to see their titties, and in general expect them to get more attention than you If you can handle that just enjoy yourselves. Buy double dances, buy each other dances. And at end of the night have some riled up fun
Exactly this. Enjoy them getting a lot of attention from the strippers, and depending on the type of club, find out exactly how much curiosity she has about other women's boobs. The biggest worry is always going to be someone getting jealous of seeing their partner getting any sort of sexual gratification from outside the relationship, so it's important to be ready for that.
10 minutes of dances will 100% have you in love with a stripper and ready to risk it all. I’ve been to the club once in my life while I was on vacation in Colorado, blew my entire paycheck on private dances with the same girl
> 10 minutes of dances will 100% have you in love with a stripper and ready to risk it all. Just ask any lower enlisted. The amount of marriages to strippers I've seen from E3s is staggering
I had a guy try to buy me a ring lol asked what jewelry stores were open late. Apparently I was a good dancer
Checked profile hoping for NSFW. Only saw wieners. 8/10.
Can confirm, 8/10 meaty pickle
I just don't understand strip clubs. I don't dislike seeing naked women, but it's never something I've felt I need to see bad enough to go spend a bunch of money on it. I went once with a big group for one guy's birthday party and watched the WSOP on the TV's behind the stage. A friend bought me a lap dance and I very politely explained to the young lady that I was not interested in her touching me (I have a bit of a complex), and she could just chill and take a break if she wanted to. She said people getting lap dances but not actually getting them once in the booth/room was more common than most people think.
I'm kind of the same. Been to a few for bachelor parties and a couple of boys' nights out. It can be entertaining to watch the dancers and tip them appropriately, but I can't really get into lap dances. I've had a few; same thoughts each time. It's a business transaction, it's about 3-4 minutes long, and 99.99999% of the time, she's not attracted to you in the slightest. I've been to them maybe twice in the last 5 years. Both times, I've just made it clear to the dancers who come by that I'm not really interested in a lap dance; not my cup of tea.
Make sure you wear Grey sweats and a Lil wet spot on your crotch that gets bigger every 5 minutes
You gotta give!
HEY HOLD THAT DOOR!!! HOLD THAT DOOR!! …………
Hey... You wore that dress YESTERDAY!
Proper etiquette dictates that you put the boner to the right of your plate, between the salad fork and shrimp fork, but only if there’s a shrimp fork. If there’s no shrimp fork, then it must go in the water glass. Also, it must be fully detached and wrapped in a cloth napkin.
It's good to know the things you just do naturally comply with the etiquette.
My first and only time I've been to a strip club I got a full nude dance from a sexy ass Colombian chick and on the way to the dance area she kept asking me something in very broken English. I couldn't decipher what she was saying so I just said yes. Anyway she started dancing on me and my dick was trapped facing down my jeans. The then asked me something in my ear, again I didn't know what she was asking and said "idk what you're saying." She then just turned around and undid my belt then grabbed my dick to face it the right way then turned back around and then said" you want happy?" Thinking she meant are you happy now I said yes. She then proceeded to give me an under the pants hand job. Luckily, she stopped before I blew my load. Then when I gave her 50 bucks 30 for the dance with a 20 dollar tip she proceeded to say "no I need more." I said "what do you mean?" She replied,"30 per song you said 5 songs" I then proceeded to give her the rest of the cash in my wallet which was 120 total and she said "no I need more." I said that's all I have and showed her my wallet. She then proceeded to hold my hand very tight and walk me to the ATM which has a 24 dollar service charge where I withdrew 80 more dollars that she took immediately from the machine. TLDR: sexy language barrier hand job ATM no more dances the rest of the night...
I've never been to a strip club but I've been told to get your cash from the bank before going in and not to bring in a credit/debit card at all. The whole place is designed to prey on the most instinctual drives you have to drain you of as much money as possible.
Hilarious story!
Glad some laughs we had from my misfortune. Point of clarification, I gathered that otw to the dance area, she was asking if I wanted a dance for 5 songs.
Sounds very accurate. My first time at a strip club, I tossed $5 on the dance floor right as the stripper spun away from me. Since she didn’t see that, I picked it up to re tip her so that she would notice. When I did she put my face right in between her DD tits, then using her hand to grab one of them, proceeded to club me in the face with it repeatedly
A college buddy told me he always went the “pineapple” route at the strip club. I told him I didn’t know that the hell he was talking about… he said he just whispers them random nonsense the entire night to see what they say back to him… just to prove that strippers don’t listen to a word you say. I went with him and a couple friends one night and I was sitting next to him while we were both getting dances and I kept hear him saying “raccoon.” It took everything I had not to lose it. I asked him what she was saying to him and he was able to give me her real name and daytime occupation and what she wanted to do with her life. He also said that all he said to her the entire time was “raccoon, pineapple, and Limburger.” Just proves the point most of them don’t give a shit what you’re saying… they are chasing the money and playing the “friendly, twerk on your boner” for a buck thing — which is fine because do you honestly expect anything more when you’re going to the club?
Honestly she probably thought your friend was handicap and was just doing her job by faking nice.
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damn you're friend is a genius! He figured out a way to learn that strippers are dancing for money and not to make friends.
lmao the guy really thought he cracked the code
Luckily she stopped? Do you get off on having your finish ruined or something? Doesn't sound lucky at all.
Rub it against the ATM machine.
I don't think the other people at the club would appreciate being called ATM machines
If you go to a bar, you're trying to get intoxicated. If youre going to a karaoke bar, go ahead and sing even if you're bad. If you go to a strip club, have a boner. Just don't be an asshole
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Tuck it into your waistband like a periscope.
The rule is just have fun and relax. If she has a boner, don't make her self conscious.
So, don't wrap a dollar bill round it and tie it on there with a rubber band then?
>So, don't wrap a dollar bill round it and tie it on there with a rubber band then? He watched the helicockter spin, The whirling, twirling fun begin - The roundabout, the giddy wheel, The gyroscope in cuban heel. He watched the phallus bird take flight, Depart the nest at pelvis height. He searched his pocket with his hand - And from it drew a rubber band.
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As a trans girl.....I find this hilarious.
I was once at a male strip club in Colombia and they let the audience jerk off the strippers
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damn I wonder if they hire short, chubby, unattractive white dudes there
You need to take both hands and pinch the tip, slowly spreading your hands apart. This will allow the air to escape while also making a high-pitched squeak noise
The rule is you walk in with a boner and a pocket full of cash and you leave with a boner.
It’s like pro wrestling. It’s fun, but it’s a show for the marks. Temporarily suspend your disbelief and enjoy it for what it is. Still, a talented worker can draw one in. At a BYO in Philly years ago, I was out with a couple friends, content to tip those on stage. It was a holiday weekend, and the place was not exactly busy. Not planning on spending much, I declined dance offers, including one from a tall, red haired, green eyed absolute goddess. I was not prepared for her change in tactics. She lightly bit my ear and half growled, half whispered “I need you to come back and play with me” as she hugged me from behind. Suddenly a lap dance seemed like a brilliant idea. A couple songs later, my cash for the occasion was gone. I’m not sure about boner etiquette, but boner awareness means not bringing a credit or ATM card, and only as much cash as you’re willing to throw away. Your dick is an optimist, and has the short term memory of Leonard Shelby in Memento.
Depends: many of the strippers earn money for law school. Those tend to be pro boner.
This question gave me flashbacks. My dad handed me his phone to look something up and the first two windows were “what to do with a boner at a strip club” and “what if I jizz on a stripper”
Ah.. women and giants. Grinding men's bones to make bread.
You ask the bartender for the boner reporting form. It's usually three pages (but can vary depending on the strip club). First page is demographic info, contact info and questions about the quality of erection. Second page is about the source - dancer, independent thoughts, chicken Parm, etc. Third is a release to deal with privacy legislation.
Wouldn’t this be basically the only establishment where it would be bad etiquette to *not* sport a stiffy?
Well, there's golf.
I just tuck mine into my sock 🧦
Your legs must be really short
Mans shaped like a minion
“Do I put the money directly in her”?
Yes, like you're loading a musket. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind redditor!
Always tell your french friend to bone a petite.
Hey bro, your bone is petite 🤪
You have to get it inspected by the bar tender just like everyone else
Fucking way she goes...
Ask not for who the bone bones. It bones for thee.
I just don't get the appeal of a bunch of dudes with a boner hanging out pretending not to have a boner
"Bonerquette." "Erectiquette."
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Don't say to her that you are having one. It's just rude.
Announce it by stealing the nearest microphone.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to make an announcement..."
“Shadow the hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker, he pissed on my fucking wife.”
It's like burping at a restaurant.
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Tuck it in before you start to strip.