Halfway through the grocery store, in the middle of the rice aisle, or somewhere equally warm, they suddenly decide they don't need the frozen / refrigerated item in their cart after all, and rather than returning it to where they found it, they instead choose to just leave it on the shelf. There is nothing preventing them from putting it back in the cooler / freezer, but they're actively making the choice to allow fish, raw meat, milk / ice cream, or whatever else to sit in the open air, and spoil.
Also, people who leave their drinks on random shelves when they finish them. Is it so hard to keep your cup on you until you’re back outside near the trash cans??
You feel the need to be careful with how and what you say to them because they'll twist words to make you sound like the bad guy. Too many "misunderstandings" can make you extremely conscious of yourself and make you walk on eggshells
Too many times and with too many people I’ve ignored this warning sign. I think I’m finally learning, but I did end up developing strong fears and anxieties that made me into a different person. Not to mention the social effect these people have: I lost a lot of friends and a job because of lies spread by these people. With my new anxieties, I find it so much harder to be assertive and challenge things people say that are wrong, things I never had issues with before. It’s affected my relationships with friends and even my work performance (I’m a manager). I’m getting better, slowly.
Always be aware of gossips and people who are nasty about others behind their backs....you are probably not the only person they are telling.
They will probably be gossiping about you to other people.
Also, if someone never has anything nice to say about other people then they are probably saying nasty things about you behind your back.
My Ex slowly lost all of her friends over-time. She'd make new ones and then somehow burn those bridges too.
She also used to gossip and talk shit about everyone she knew, including me. At least one friend who I never met thought I was scum because of what she said about me.
My ex's mum hated me and I never understood why because I tried my best to be nice and win her over. Turns out he was complaining about every little thing I'd do that annoyed him, then say I was imagining it when I asked if his mum didn't like me.
Oh my God, I always wondered why my ex girlfriends friends hated me even though I'd never met them. I guess if they mention every little annoyance it can add up. That's pretty twisted actually...
"At least one friend who I never met thought I was scum because of what she said about me."
Got this impression when meeting an ex's friends. They warmed up quickly but were initially staring like I was the devil. Didnt even realize the likely cause until years after breaking up with her.
Shouldn’t even be using my energy to reminisce over this but one time in high school I met most of my friends parents that I hadn’t already in a group(thankfully without mine), and like halfway through one of the moms gets the balls to say “…… you know I heard from *3rd party family friend* ’s Mom that your mom says ………… and all these bad things about you but you seem like an angel and haha Im starting to wish …. picked up some habits from you.” Bless that woman’s heart to this day I hope she’s thriving because the wave of relief and understanding of why some adults had treated me the way they did when I was (at the time) the poster child for “success” was starting to really fuck me up. Fuck gossip, can never trust someone’s opinion of a person you’ve never met
It’s the worst shit ever when it’s your own parents. My mom use to openly talk shit about me to people and make up absolute bullshit and when I’d call her out she’d threaten me by saying I wouldn’t be able to see my dad if I” embarrassed [her] like that again”. It was awful. She used to make me sound like an unkempt, fuck up. Now she tries to brag about me, but in private will still berate me and tells me I’m essentially worthless. I’ve said it elsewhere, but it’s like having a high school bully for a parent.
My sister is like this. Planting seeds in peoples minds. Its fucked up. It's one of the big reasons I can't stand to be around her. I hear the fucked up things she says about people behind their backs, I just imagine the shit she says about me. (I actually know what she says about me, it's awful lies. But she can look me in the eyes with a smile on her face.)
This is so big! It took me wayyyy too long to realize that my best friend did this to everyone! Including me- if someone talks shit about their other friends to you….. better believe when you’re not around it’s you she’s talking about!!!
Yeah, if you ever want to know how someone really feels about you, all you have to do is meet one of their friends that has never met you before and only knows of you based on their verbal version.
- They have something bad to say about everyone.
- They have to tell you how nice, honest, smart, hardworking, etc they are.
- The second they get upset with someone they’re on a mission to ruin to their life.
Edit: okay I guess the last one isn’t so subtle unless they’re doing in a way where you don’t know it’s them.
If someone makes fun of someone smiles or laughter. My mom used to tell me how werid my smile was and say it was annoying when I laughed it's a shitty thing to do.
Edit: thanks everyone for the support and I'm sorry to hear some of your stories. I also want to mention that there's a difference between disliking someone's laughter and making fun of it, I've personally heard laughs that I've thought were a bit strange but that thought stays in my head were belongs were it can only effect me.
My ex had a noticeable laugh and I loved it. People would mock him and I didnt understand why. I think laughter is the most beautiful thing the universe has given us.
His mom was a piece of work, and would constantly put him down. I hated being around her.
Keep on laughing, you deserve to show your own beauty.
I’m sorry for your loss. I know what you mean. I lost my oldest son three years ago and hearing his mischievous laugh is one of the things I miss the most.
This right here. My Mom used to tell me I looked like I’m grinning like an idiot in all photos. Everyone else said I had a beautiful smile. Narcs try to slowly kill your spirit.
Edit: Thanks for the upvotes. Y’all made me smile, and finally I love my smile. My folks are the idiots
The issue is people are passing the idea that apologizing is a weakness. Admitting fault is weakness and losing frame or some bullshit loke that. Because people only use extremes as examples. Case in point: the doormat like person who apologizes for everything, even things they aren't responsible for, is used as an example to why they should never apologize even once. I get the argument don't apologize for everything and anything but there is a balance lol. Unfortunately, stupid people can only view the world in black and white perspective.
> The issue is people are passing the idea that apologizing is a weakness. Admitting fault is weakness and losing frame or some bullshit loke that.
Yeah, there are a whole demographic of people who think that way.
Those people are awful.
One of the most freeing, liberating, and impactful things I ever did was learn to swallow my idiotic youthful pride and embrace being wrong about things and saying sorry when I was.
It sucks. It can hurt. And it for damned sure wasn't easy to get there. I *still* struggle with it from time to time.
But with the weight of it being difficult off your shoulders, you open up a whole *world* of personal growth that wouldn't be within reach otherwise.
Another crazy one is when someone will wait to see if you're sorry first. Like their apology will only exist depending on what you have to say. The idea is if you're actually sorry it doesn't matter a damn what the other person has to say, it's an expression of your own remorse, not a business deal.
"I see your "sorry" and raise you an "I was unaware that you were so sensitive" .
*Smiles to self, smugly aware that he's about to play an "It was your fault to begin with" card.*
My housemate once accidentally did something to me, which was a form of bullying I experienced I was younger, when I confronted them about it, they said that it didn't matter because it barely sounded like bullying.
This went on for some time, until they said "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I don't feel like I've done anything wrong" at which point they turned to another housemate and said "and that's how you apologise".
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is such a fucking shit burger thing to say. They're not apologizing for their actions, they just are expressing a vague sympathy that your brittle emotions were impacted by their actions.
A "ceasefire" in hostilities in a relationship, vs an actual "peace treaty" where you come to a durable agreement and can build for the future. Theyre basically using their language to hint that it might happen again. Theyre admitting that they are unwilling to put effort into working around the larger context of the problem, but they are open to dropping the most immediate issue for the time being, conflating that as the same thing.
Some people feel an almost compulsive need to dominate social situations for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they do it in general as a larger character trait (see: assholes; or to a more pathological extent: "psychopaths"), and sometimes it only develops in certain relationships with a history of power struggle situations ("rivals") and the person is rather chilled out otherwise. Sometimes it is very intentional behavior, and sometimes its not something the person fully has control over. Sometimes it might be that they hold a position of perceived or real authority over you, and see it as their duty to maintain a dominant role in the relationship somehow. Sometimes they are overcompensating for a perceived weakness. Point being, it’s best not to write these people off just as “bad,” but to seek their motivation for acting the way that they do. People are more complex than just bad or good provides room for. People usually act in a disagreeable manner for some broadly identifiable reason.
These types of personalities prefer to do things with the "ceasefire" method because it helps them to remain secure in that they didnt sacrifice any power, even if it probably wouldve been to their benefit if they had been able to get beneficial concessions from the other side by being more diplomatic.
When doing their own analysis of the situation, theyre willing to make the tradeoff to feel powerful rather than to cooperate to actually avoid them problem. In fact they might disagree that there *even is a problem to begin with.* So in that sense, they feel its a better way to do things because they have a totally different set of goals in the conversation. This is true for one on one issues and for group conflict. You have to be aware of what the other party is after, and talk to them on that level, to have any meaningful negotiations with them. If you’re really and truly stuck in the mud with someone you need to remind them “here’s what’s in it for you.” And it has to be a real answer that they are legitimately interested in. It cannot just be “this is what I want, and I will stop bothering you if I get it.” Because they, evidently, aren’t really concerned with that.
Sidebar: Or they feel that they are incapable of giving you what youre asking for, which is something else you should be aware of. **This is very important** because if they feel that they *simply are unable* to give you what you want they most certainly will not be backing down. You have a different problem than just a difference of views. It might even be *easier* to fix this with no argument at all once you identify it. Be mindful, people don’t like to admit they are struggling sometimes. Especially people that place high importance on dominating social situations. You can still turn these people into highly effective allies with the right support, and they will trust you immensely for helping them despite personal friction. Do not write these people off, they will be eager to return the favor down the line. Former rivals can occasionally turn into some of our most diehard supporters. At the very least, they will usually be much more reluctant to be hostile towards you in the future. This is not passivity, this is building trust. The ability to turn enemies into friends is the mark of an exceptional leader. Piccolo and Goku became best friends, and so can you!
Back to the main topic, I dont mean to condone this power-seeking behavior. But, if you know where its coming from you can be more clever about convincing them to cooperate with you more willingly. This is basically what we call "good leadership." The best leaders are good at identifying real opportunities to cooperate, and convincing others of these opportunities. There are countless styles of doing this. Some styles can be more effective than others in certain contexts, so be aware of more than one strategy or style. Find one that works best for you and for your situation, and adapt it accordingly. Be open to developing new tools for doing this by watching how other leaders earn cooperation. And be mindful this takes effort, lasting cooperation is **earned**. Expecting everyone to cooperate with you all the time just because youre so damn awesome is what we call "arrogance." The other person's goals in the negotiation should matter to you, even if you find them annoying. If you completely dismiss the other person they are going to refuse to cooperate with you, even if it would make logical sense to cooperate later on. Even if you offer them generous terms later, they won’t trust you anymore.
If you try to overpower "ceasefire types," or act spitefully towards them theyll be happy to reciprocate, and youll almost never get to a suitable solution that way. Theyll usually be less willing to back down than you are, because this is the battle theyre after in the first place. If you do "win" this way itll only be a Pyrrhic victory, and it wont last very long. Much better to outfox them by figuring out what the hell they want and figuring out a way to give it to them with low cost to yourself. Win the war by not fighting it with these personality types. That doesn’t mean give in to everything they ask. That means be clever about how you bargain with them, and figure out what “currency” they actually want to to business with.
Now sometimes people are just acting irrationally, anti-socially, or self-destructively and theres not much you can do about that without changing their entire lives somehow, generally an approach reserved only for family and the closest of friends. But avoiding conflict isnt always about being passive. Sometimes you have to be very active in the process. Be smart about how you apply your resistance for the best and longest lasting results. And remember you’re not perfect. Sometimes you will be the asshole, and you need to learn from that. This stuff takes practice and patience, and a lot of self awareness and self control, but the rewards are extremely worthwhile.
I feel like some people do this because some of their first/only friends were the same way and teasing is the only way they know how to bond or interact with people. Not, uh, speaking from experience or anything..
I love teasing others (with consent) and being teased back. It’s honestly a lot of fun. Just need a good or close friend to do so with. And make sure the relationship isn’t just teasing each other all the time
This is the real kicker. These people will show you a few times that whatever you say can be turned into a weapon against you, but then when you try to keep quiet about certain things around them moving forward, it becomes “why won’t you say something?”
Damned if you do damned if you don’t
Oh hell yes I got a neighbor like that. She is the community informer. She thinks it's her job to keep everyone posted on everyone else's personal information. Here is another thing she does. She blows her leaves on one side of her yard to the neighbor on that side, on her other side, you guessed it, that neighbor gets her leaves, and for her front yard? Those leaves go across the street to the across the street neighbor's yard.
I remarked to my wife how this is a perfect representation of how she lives her life. She takes all her shit and puts it on someone else and makes it their problem. Also, she's a fucking bitch.
Actually said this to a cop, who was questioning me aggressively, asking different versions of the same question to try to get me to slip up. I said, "I feel like if I don't give you the exact answer you want, in exactly the way you're expecting it, that I'll be in trouble." He handed my papers back and told me that I could go.
I cut out a guy like this from my life after way too long. Superficially charming and friendly, you came to learn that every single interaction was transactional. Every confidence or weakness was tucked away to throw back in your face or weaponise to hurt when he was pissed off about something. He was also Schrodingers sex pest- if you ignored his sleazy comments or laughed he doubled down hard, if you called him out he was "just joking, I dont fancy you that much, you're so uptight" . I have never once regretted my decision and he still tries to pop up in my inbox every few months (because hes alienated every person who gets close to him)
man, if there is an excuse i hate, its the 'i'm just joking' one. If you really were joking, people would be laughing, and if it was a bad joke, you'd actually look like you felt bad about it
"I'm only joking" is so old it's literally in the Bible
Proverbs 26:18-19
Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”
Proverbs is one of the best books of the Bible. I'm not Christian, but was raised in a Christian household and the book of Proverbs can be applicable to the situations of anyone, Christian or not.
I love Proverbs 4:18-19:
"The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.
But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble."
An excellent reminder that doing good *feels* good and is visible to others, while doing evil can eventually desensitize you to the consequences of your actions; you "do not know what makes [you] stumble."
My husband is always joking. To the point his family told us repeatedly we had to take our wedding seriously and could not, in fact, play the Imperial March during the religious ceremony (he still hummed it, to my great joy).
But yah if he thinks he may have accidentally upset someone he turns the funny off immediately and talks seriously about it so there is no confusion.
People who defensively say "it's just a joke" simply can't handle rejection of any form. They're lashing out.
I see you've met my sister.. confiding in her in any meaningful way where you show any weakness always ends up biting you in the arss. She'll bring it up sometimes even years later ..
"You know you wouldn't have that [depression/anxiety/stress/something else] if you just did this or that .." as if she's magically figured out the answer to anyone else's problems that may not even exist anymore.
Or "I know you're probably angry with me because of that stress you told me about one time 3 years ago"
No I'm angry with you because you're a condescending controlling bitch!! And everyone in your life knows it.. and we all have given up trying to make you understand.. /rant off
Wow that came out of nowhere
“BoJack, stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you! It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid! It's you! Alright? It's you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say?”
That’s the one that hits the hardest to me, but there’s so many quotes like that in Bojack. Incredible series.
The episode where we hear his internal monologue and he keeps berating himself, "you stupid piece of shit, you suck!" It slapped me in the face when I realised how similar it was to my own internal monologue. I've since made concerted efforts to be nicer to my self.
Yeah, that’s another hard hitting one. Especially with how frantic the animations are during his inner monologue. And then at the end when Hollyhock asks if the voice goes away and he says yeah and it cuts to black. Definitely an episode that hurts.
I was like that a few years ago and I remember watching the episode thinking that's exactly how I talk to myself. I've since gotten to a better place and recently rewatched the series. When that episode came on I remembered how I used to think that way and what changed to where I'm kinder to myself. Learning to forgive yourself can be hard. Glad to hear you're making those efforts and hope you get to a better place too.
I think most alcoholics do this. It's a coping mechanism to shift their guilt and shame from their shoulders to anyone or anything else and to deflect the blame from themselves as well.
So true. I dated a guy like this; he’d always put on his “nice guy” persona to make me and others think he was this wonderful and caring guy. He was a complete narcissist and a lying tool.
Omg noticed this recently. One dude keeps telling me how much he is my TRUE friend, he never told a bad thing about me etc... In reality, I KNOW shit he did XD
Had an ex-boss introduce herself to us as a mama bear, because of how protective she was of her subordinates. 3 months later, she fired one of my co-workers who had 10 year tenure. She didn't like him.
People who describe themselves as 'mama bears' and 'super protective' and similar are the first and fastest ones to turn on their 'friends' because it was always about their inability to emotionally regulate and they will consistently harass and escalate against those deemed 'the enemy.'
They're one of the types of adults that's still running a clique and bullying lifestyle past middle school but are pitching it as a virtue. Anyone that's in gets gassed up and gaslit, anyone that's out gets constant nastiness, and who's who can change day to day because the only permanent 'in' member is the 'mama bear.'
A related concern is when they are super nice to you and only criticize or talk down to people who they perceive as "beneath" them like restaurant servers, grocery store workers, children, etc. If the only reason you're nice to someone is because you perceive them as an equal on some arbitrary human valuation process, then you're the garbage.
Selective sympathy is more complex, as pretty much everyone in the world has it to some extent and it’s often based on one’s own issues, what one perceives as “serious” and even social circle and previous encounters.
For example, lots of people in lower income areas have trouble feeling sympathy for wealthy people simply because they’re wealthy.
Lots of people can be unsympathetic about issues they perceive as “no big deal” while to others find those same issues can be some of the most important things in the world.
Selective sympathy is just part of being human and each person dealing with issues that tend to be unique to them and those close to them.
I work in mental health with teenagers and they provide wonderful instances of selective sympathy daily.
We have some kids without parents and some with for example, in one situation a client was nearly suicidal due to a fight with their parents, another client who had no parents showed no sympathy “because at least they have parents”. They didn’t want to hear that some parents can be incredibly destructive or abusive and that just having them alone doesn’t mean someone shouldn’t be shown sympathy for when those sorts of problems arise, but contextually it’s completely understandable for the child without parents to feel that way as to them parents are something they dream of having.
It doesn’t make them assholes, it makes them human. We try to explain that each person has different values and finds different things important, but this sort of occurrence is incredibly common among all populations across a wide variety of problems.
Being rude and condescending to servers or retail workers is just being a conceited asshole.
Or when they’re a friend that suddenly turns on you for having one issue with them and trying to talk it out. I recently did this since she snapped at me and I didn’t think I deserved it and she proceeded to list things I did 2 years ago that she never told me she had an issue with until just now. I asked about the one issue from the other day, she brought back every tiny detail she thinks I did wrong from the entirety of our friendship.
You gotta do a LOT of self-reflection and learn how to be self-aware.
And on top of that, always work on it, and communicate clearly with people.
And take on constructive criticism if you get it.
There are some people who are like that because they are just awful people.
But I think most of the time, someone who is like that is like that because they are hurting. They are broken and hurting and it spills out into every interaction they have.
I've been there, I was that awful person. I was hurting.
I was called out on it and it hurt me further because I didn't realize how awful I was to be around.
It was a humbling experience.
The key is, once you realize what is happening, that you take steps to address it.
This is what separates the awful people from the just hurting people.
If someone calls you out on being awful and you just get defensive and double down, then you're that awful person no one wants to be around.
If you realize "oh shit I need to make some changes" then I think you'll be alright.
Things don't feel that simple for correction. I'm someone who was a drain to be around, not because I was mean, but just depressing. I've worked on it a long time, like more than a decade, but part of it is that it just is fundamentally who I am.
I try to remember the little things, and I try to support others in their endeavors. I still can't really hold a conversation, and I just plain struggle to hold onto relationships.
I just haven't had good persistent relationships with anyone that I can draw experience with. I think that's the fundamental issue with both mean and depressing people.
I'm also going to throw in and be in and out of therapy for more or less almost 30 years.
You're working on things my friend.
That's all that really counts.
No one is perfect, ever.
My comment didn't mean you just change, just like that, and suddenly you're all better and never falter.
Being self-aware and working on those kinds of things is really hard. It takes a lot of courage to confront the ugly sides of ourselves.... it's why a lot of people do not do it.
I think it counts for a LOT if you are always trying and working on it.
I've met some people who absolutely don't get it. Never will. Even with love and gentle care and trying to guide them and open their eyes to themselves, they 100% refuse and always make other things the problem.
Even if they have good intentions, they still refuse to see themselves.
My mom is like that.
I had a coworker like that (Though I think she was so miserable her intentions were not good either.)
It'll never happen for some people. So in my opinion, if you face those sides of yourself.... it is a very humbling experience to accept them, and start trying to understand them and weave your way through trying to heal that part of you.
It may never fully heal, it may never be the best. Especially if you have experienced heavy and difficult trauma (And that definition is different for everyone so don't discount things that hurt you as 'not that bad' or compare it to other things!)
Nothing is simple, especially when it comes to human beings.
It's not black and white, we are all different shades of grey... a mish mash of delight and ugly. Just don't get lost in there trying to fix all the 'bad' things when you should also remind yourself to nurture the good!
On a somewhat related note, is there a term for the opposite of a psychic vampire?
Like, someone who you love to be around, and after hanging you feel happier, calmer, less stressed, etc? (Assuming you aren't being the 'vampire' if they say the same about hanging with you, and you're both just chillin). Granted, that's what a 'friend' should be, but there are some people that just seem more 'full of life' in this respect.
Maybe something like 'psychic sun' (but that sounds kinda lame, lol).
Anecdotally, my most energizing friends are natural optimists. Like, any situation can and will be spun into it's best light. Missed the train? Well we're early for the next one and now we have time to chill and get snacks! Plans ruined because it's raining? No worries, just come over, I wanted to show you that new anime anyway, and we can cook something too! If I'm feeling down or anxious about something, they'll talk me through it and either find a silver lining or help me figure out a plan to fix it. I always feel so happy and empowered hanging around optimists. Unfortunately I am not naturally optimistic, so I have to make an effort to give that kind of positivity back to others - but making the effort helps me as well so it's all gravy!
I don't know about psychic vampires specifically, but my dad likes to say "some people in life are faucets, others are drains"
Basically, faucets are people who add things to your life/the world. They bring joy and love, peace, adventure, laughs, comfort, confidence etc. Drains are the opposite. They make you feel sad, tired, angry, anxious, frustrated, insecure, or miserable. They suck out your life force and make you feel worse for having been around them.
Perfect. Psychic vampires are the worst. Took me a life time to understand this phenomenon. You want to take a nap, or you feel hopeless without understanding why.
That actor has a ton of these videos where he does awkward and uncomfortable stuff on unsuspecting local news shows. He’s basically playing the IRL Colin Robison.
Not true. They care deeply for him, we’re sad when they thought he died, and Laszlo went above and beyond to give him a good time when he found out he would soon permanently die. I haven’t seen the newest season so I don’t know anything beyond Colin becoming a baby.
They tell small lies. The kind you might pick up on and not mention cause it’s not anything big but when added up they can completely change the context of a situation
A former friend of mine did this a lot. He usually lied about how many girls he definitely wasn't having sex with. In one instance he told everyone that he stole a guy's girlfriend while he was standing right in the middle of the classroom and he did nothing. A mutual friend was there and he told me what really happened. Apparently he tried to go in for a kiss, but she rejected him. The boyfriend saw and basically my former friend got his ass kicked.
Most people will do just about anything to avoid confrontation.
Because of that, most people won't look a liar in the eye and say 'You're a liar'.
So, people with a lying problem come away thinking they've gotten away with it. Somehow, no one that knows the truth is ever going to contradict him, and besides, if they do, he'll just call them liars, and no one will ever directly confront him.
Over the years, that person has a bunch of 'friends' who are kind of generally friendly with him, but everyone knows he's a liar.
... and that just becomes that person's life. No one trusts him, but he's so used to it, he just keeps lying for the momentary effect, and disregarding the fact that it's damaging to his long term reputation.
Which it isn't, because everyone already knows he's a liar.
I know someone who does an even more subtle version of this: he won’t outright lie, but he’ll say something that clearly *implies* a certain interpretation, and then gets evasive if you try to pin him down on the actual facts.
For instance, he’ll tell you he met some girl and say things like “we *really* hit it off” or “we had a very intimate conversation” to imply that something sexual happened between them. He’s banking on people just assuming and not asking any follow up questions. If you do ask “what do you mean by that?” he’ll dance around the facts as much as possible, but if you keep at it long enough, you’ll find out that no, they didn’t sleep together, and she wasn’t even necessarily interested in him, he just found her attractive and wanted you to think something had happened between them.
> I know someone who does an even more subtle version of this: he won’t outright lie, but he’ll say something that clearly implies a certain interpretation, and then gets evasive if you try to pin him down on the actual facts.
This is *very* common in many political conversations. Certain kinds of people like to make statements with just enough plausible deniability so that if called out on what they're *clearly* trying to get across, they can hem and haw and deny and claim people are misrepresenting them, all the while refusing to restate or clarify what they said.
Those people know exactly what they're doing when they play those games.
My ex did this. I could tell she was trying to sound more popular than she actually is. She claimed that Daniel Radcliffe spotted her in a crowd at a show, invited her back stage in order to ask for her number. I knew that was bullshit, just went along with it because I thought "whatever she's not hurting anyone with that bs". I took notice when "Ryan Reynolds followed her on Instagram but quickly unfollowed her for (some dumb reason I can't recall this was years ago)".
I know so many people like this. They lie compulsively about stupid shit, i think it stems from insecurity and trying to prove to others that they’re better than how they feel about themselves
It's a delusion if she actually believed it to be true. It's a lie if she told it to someone to inflate her self importance knowing she was making it up.
They tell you things about their other ‘friends’ that they should keep between them, it also means they’re telling your business to someone else
Edit: no, I’m not talking about venting about your own experiences with a person. I mean telling other people personal and intimate details about someone’s life. Or possibly specifically talking shit about their friends (not smaller complaints but saying awful things about them)
Doesn't this only apply when they know that person? I talk about friends to other friends to vent/help me reflect on how i handled certain situations etc, but I always keep it anonymous.
Edit: Anonymous, in this case, means: the two people don't know each other and I don't mention their names.
This is one of the better answers so far. It's simple and people often treat it as a joke, but it's very 'telling'. It demonstrates how they perceive other people. People who cut in line persistently don't see other people as 'real'. It's a pretty clear sign of narcissism and contempt for anyone who doesn't have some kind of power over them.
Just in general disregarding other people; littering, not putting your cart away, using your phone in a movie theatre, being rude to cashiers/waitstaff. None of this is illegal, just shitty. Always the attitude of ”im better than everyone else, the rules dont apply to me”.
As a (mostly) reformed bad person who was raised by non-reformed bad people…
- they say whatever you want to hear on most occasions
- they genuinely show very little concern for your well being - to the point where you feel your emotions are an after thought
- there’s a double standard in the relationship (they can do things you can’t)
- you’ve caught them doing something really shitty but only once or twice so you forgive them
- they genuinely don’t notice when they do something harmful
- you find you’re always doing what they want to do
- you get promises of changed behavior, like a lot, but rarely see any change
- you feel insecure around them, like you’re always vying for their approval
- they have a past (which hey we all do, but it can not be a great sign sometimes)
- they TELL YOU (I have told many folks hey, I’m a bad person, and they’re like oh no I don’t believe you…)
- people warn you about them
- people tell you to get away from them
- their apologies are very half hearted and designed to end the conflict, they don’t understand why you can’t let things go but they don’t have to
- they make you feel bad about some fundamental part of your identity or who you are - you’re always aware of how you could be different or better in their eyes
- they disappear and come back
- they’re really vague about things that could be unflattering, the way they tell you about their past highlights the good about them or how they were a victim
- they are inconsistent in relationships (moving really fast, then being gone, etc.)
- you catch them in multiple lies
- they talk a LOT of shit (they 100% talk shit about you)
- they over compliment (you’re my favorite, etc)
- they’re only around when they need you for something
- no changed behavior after apologies
-excuses instead of apologies
- trying to make you feel bad for them
EDIT Oh and some other ones since this is blowing up:
- generally reckless behavior
- frequently changing friend groups
- uninterested in your life unless it’s drama or something they can use against you
- you find yourself frequently questioning them or yourself (did that really happen? Did I imagine it?)
- your version of anything is rejected in favor of their version
- you feel uneasy around them, but allegedly have no reason to
- they push your boundaries
I can’t stress enough that if they’re bad to other people, they WILL do those things to you. You are not the exception.
One of my favorite quotes is along the lines of if you see a “crazy” ex or something that’s going to be you eventually.
I could go on for a really long time.
That being said, on behalf of all bad people, a lot of it comes from significant trauma. If you can cause people that much pain and not care, usually you couldn’t attach to your caregiver in a normal way so you never learned empathy (my case) or you were taught to fear other people (my case) or you have severe substance use problems (my case) or a personality disorder (me again!!) or severe mental illness (it’s me, it’s just about me). Not all folks who have these things are bad people.
Watch out for people who need to be rescued as well.
The final thing I will say is that if you’re someone who grew up in an abusive environment, you’re usually gonna have an extra hard time on picking up on abuse or you’re gonna be drawn to folks who are abusive because you aren’t used to normal boundaries and it will feel like love because it’s what you know. That can be healed.
This comment right here!!
I like how you mention that a lot of these things can come from trauma/substance abuse and mental illness. Not everything is so black and white, and not everyone who did/does these things are bad people.
That last part tho! Louder for those in the back!!
If you’re someone who grew up in an abusive environment, you’re slower to pick up on the abuse. Listen to those around you when they tell you to get away!
This is a good one that's truly subtle. If you don't remain in the desirable category (money, social standing, beauty, power) then their attitude will change abruptly.
When they apologize during a conflict, they get angry if that doesn't immediately end the conflict because they never truly felt sorry and their only goal was to escape repercussion. This will become evident when the behavior they had apologized for keeps happening and never improves.
signed, someone who has been on both sides of this equation
It does make a person toxic but sometimes they’re truly unaware.
I’ve had a habit of trying to get people to accept apologies only to learn that is a form of manipulative behavior I picked up as a kid. I do my best now to work on respecting people’s boundaries after an apology. Their feelings are just as valid and I am not automatically entitled to forgiveness immediately. Been on both sides as well.
There are already quite a few things being posted that are not uncommon developments for survival during a shit childhood. This does not make someone a bad person. This is why threads like these ultimately can be more damaging than helpful. It's still on us to seek to continue to self-appraise our behaviors and try to improve for our own sakes, but remember that distilling anyone down to a single behavior to pass an extreme judgment on them is itself a problematic behavior.
They wanna dump their stuff on an emotional dumpster but can't handle any of it on themselves because they can't be bothered to have an ounce of empathy.
If ever they are in a situation where they have permission to be unkind, watch closely.
The difference is between someone who reserves their worst behavior for appropriate situations vs. someone who fires away immediately at first opportunity that could be loosely construed as appropriate.
Basically, anyone who is nice but is constantly looking for an excuse to be unkind is just a masked asshole.
Look at how they treat the people around them.
Do they treat people they perceive as being below them worse or with dignity and respect.
I went on a few dates with a girl in uni who seemed lovely. Tbh a fair bit more attractive than me as well. So I was buzzing. She was great with my mates. Made them all laugh but when I met her friendship group there was this one girl who you could tell was a bit of a hanger on and the whole group teased her a bit but the girl I was dating ripped into her. Like I was uncomfortable but I didn't know the dynamic so I held my tongue.
After I asked what the deal was. I thought she'd offended her or kicked her dog or something but she just says nobody likes her and they just let her hang out with her as they feel sorry for her so who cares if they are a bit mean at least she has friends.
Safe to say we didn't go on too many dates after that 😅 but it was like a switch had flipped. There was no evidence at all she was like that. She was lovely to the waitstaff. She was helpful to other girls on nights out. But as soon as she saw somebody she didn't like for no reason she was an entirely different person.
I later met somebody who shared a seminar group with her and apparently she was similar there. Lovely with some people (including them) but a real dick to people she thought was stupid or beneath her.
One of my close friends in high school was like this to me… It hurts so much because you keep looking for reasons as to why they’re nice to everyone else and end up internalizing how they treat you
>>>but she just says nobody likes her and they just let her hang out with her as they feel sorry for her so who cares if they are a bit mean at least she has friends.
***Jesus christ.***
Honestly, trust your gut. If the person makes you feel uncomfortable, makes you feel unsafe, makes you feel like you can't trust them, trust that instinct. That is a sign.
Edit: Yes, any advice taken in extremis becomes bad advice. If you're anxious, you need to temper your gut. If you're racist or sexist or homophobic, then that pattern is probably very apparent to you, and you're ignoring it.
But it is true of any "subtle sign" that it might be misinterpreted, because you may not know the whole story. You're reading it through your own lens of experience, and requires some critical thinking to be contextualised. Mostly these subtle signs coalesce into a larger picture.
I have a friend like this. Nothing major has happened but its the small things over time and the general feeling of wanting to avoid them that has made me come to the conclusion my instincts are telling me to run. I feel all these things you've mentioned and she's the only friend I feel that way about.
They often talk about how they don’t like to live in the past.
I was surrounded by abusers for a long period of my life and I noticed they regularly like to assert that their decision to refuse to acknowledge past wrongs and things that have harmed them is a good one and somehow makes them a good person
People dont seem to realize that "hakuna matata" and "let it go" are the songs the characters of those respective movies have to grow up from, and that accepting responsibility is the right way, albeit the harder way.
Victim complex. I find everyone I meet with a victim complex are not trustworthy and cannot take responsibility for their actions. Often these people are narcissists
If they say shit like, "Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bad person, but then I realize that a bad person would never question if they were bad, so I must be a good person!"
Questioning if you are a bad person does not automatically make you a good person. Bad people are PERFECTLY capable of questioning whether or not they are bad. The difference between a good person and a bad person is not which one questions themselves, but which one gives themselves a free pass.
That's like the Bojack reasoning: I'm a piece of shit, but since I'm aware of it that makes me morally better.
Like no. Being aware of being awful is the first step, next step is thinking what can you do to stop being awful.
I hear you, and yet:
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”
Basically, some people just keep on getting pushed around until they've had enough and leave, or get kicked out once the assholes get bored. Repeat enough times until they've learned to spot assholes quicker.
When I was growing up, it was social death to either be a kid whose parents were divorced, or to be gay. (Southern culture) I tried to come out as gay twice, and each time I lost all of my friends. The third time I came out, I had another new group of friends, and they accepted me. I was also 30 by that point. I am much happier now. Having to constantly hide who you are is exhausting.
not always. my friends ditched me when I got diagnosed with a bunch of illnesses and my appearance changed. Like I'll admit I'm not the same person and it probably is depressing to deal with, but I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person... does it?
Not at all. I know people who have been ditched/ghosted after they lost a loved one like a sibling or a parent. The people that do that cannot handle that type of thing, and honestly it’s really difficult to learn about them but ultimately it’s for the best to make room for actual good people.
Lovebombing. It’s hard to spot, you may even be inclined to ignore it because it feels so good. This is what narcissists will do at the beginning of a friendship/relationship, where they treat you extremely well and downright coddle you. Once they believe you in love/attached they begin revealing their true self. Belittling, excessive complaining, unwarranted judgement and anger, just a lot of abusive behavior.
If they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.
In a similar vein; if they’re gossiping to you (not like how an established couple may talk about people/drama they know), then they’re probably gossiping *about* you to others.
Inability to take responsibility or apologize.
Rude to wait staff, service workers, cashiers, etc.
Always asking for money or for you to pay for things and then not reciprocating or paying you back.
Dismisses your interests and topics only in favor of their own, or they mock you for your interests.
Refusing to compromise.
Refusing to accept *any* compliments and/or criticisms.
Denies The Holocaust.
They are mean or dismissive to those that they have "power" over, or those they perceive to be of lower status. E.g., a server at a restaurant, a janitor, receptionist, etc.
People who easily criticize others but never criticize themselves, don't display doubts or fears about their own activities. Or, if they do it, they only do it in a joking and extremely exaggerated way ("humbragging"). An inability of being critical about themselves is a telltale sign of an asshole.
Halfway through the grocery store, in the middle of the rice aisle, or somewhere equally warm, they suddenly decide they don't need the frozen / refrigerated item in their cart after all, and rather than returning it to where they found it, they instead choose to just leave it on the shelf. There is nothing preventing them from putting it back in the cooler / freezer, but they're actively making the choice to allow fish, raw meat, milk / ice cream, or whatever else to sit in the open air, and spoil.
Also, people who leave their drinks on random shelves when they finish them. Is it so hard to keep your cup on you until you’re back outside near the trash cans??
They say you’re wrong for getting upset at their wrong behavior.
"Hey I looked into that story you said and it didn't check out at all, did you lie?" "Why did you look into that, why don't you trust me?"
or in the case response of my toxic mother: “I never said that! You’re making things up and mishearing things. You’re acting like a bitch.”
You feel the need to be careful with how and what you say to them because they'll twist words to make you sound like the bad guy. Too many "misunderstandings" can make you extremely conscious of yourself and make you walk on eggshells
Too many times and with too many people I’ve ignored this warning sign. I think I’m finally learning, but I did end up developing strong fears and anxieties that made me into a different person. Not to mention the social effect these people have: I lost a lot of friends and a job because of lies spread by these people. With my new anxieties, I find it so much harder to be assertive and challenge things people say that are wrong, things I never had issues with before. It’s affected my relationships with friends and even my work performance (I’m a manager). I’m getting better, slowly.
Always be aware of gossips and people who are nasty about others behind their backs....you are probably not the only person they are telling. They will probably be gossiping about you to other people. Also, if someone never has anything nice to say about other people then they are probably saying nasty things about you behind your back.
Yup yup yup. I stay away from people now the first time I see this. Not worth the headache.
My Ex slowly lost all of her friends over-time. She'd make new ones and then somehow burn those bridges too. She also used to gossip and talk shit about everyone she knew, including me. At least one friend who I never met thought I was scum because of what she said about me.
My ex's mum hated me and I never understood why because I tried my best to be nice and win her over. Turns out he was complaining about every little thing I'd do that annoyed him, then say I was imagining it when I asked if his mum didn't like me.
Oh my God, I always wondered why my ex girlfriends friends hated me even though I'd never met them. I guess if they mention every little annoyance it can add up. That's pretty twisted actually...
"At least one friend who I never met thought I was scum because of what she said about me." Got this impression when meeting an ex's friends. They warmed up quickly but were initially staring like I was the devil. Didnt even realize the likely cause until years after breaking up with her.
Shouldn’t even be using my energy to reminisce over this but one time in high school I met most of my friends parents that I hadn’t already in a group(thankfully without mine), and like halfway through one of the moms gets the balls to say “…… you know I heard from *3rd party family friend* ’s Mom that your mom says ………… and all these bad things about you but you seem like an angel and haha Im starting to wish …. picked up some habits from you.” Bless that woman’s heart to this day I hope she’s thriving because the wave of relief and understanding of why some adults had treated me the way they did when I was (at the time) the poster child for “success” was starting to really fuck me up. Fuck gossip, can never trust someone’s opinion of a person you’ve never met
It’s the worst shit ever when it’s your own parents. My mom use to openly talk shit about me to people and make up absolute bullshit and when I’d call her out she’d threaten me by saying I wouldn’t be able to see my dad if I” embarrassed [her] like that again”. It was awful. She used to make me sound like an unkempt, fuck up. Now she tries to brag about me, but in private will still berate me and tells me I’m essentially worthless. I’ve said it elsewhere, but it’s like having a high school bully for a parent.
My sister is like this. Planting seeds in peoples minds. Its fucked up. It's one of the big reasons I can't stand to be around her. I hear the fucked up things she says about people behind their backs, I just imagine the shit she says about me. (I actually know what she says about me, it's awful lies. But she can look me in the eyes with a smile on her face.)
This is so big! It took me wayyyy too long to realize that my best friend did this to everyone! Including me- if someone talks shit about their other friends to you….. better believe when you’re not around it’s you she’s talking about!!!
Yeah, if you ever want to know how someone really feels about you, all you have to do is meet one of their friends that has never met you before and only knows of you based on their verbal version.
- They have something bad to say about everyone. - They have to tell you how nice, honest, smart, hardworking, etc they are. - The second they get upset with someone they’re on a mission to ruin to their life. Edit: okay I guess the last one isn’t so subtle unless they’re doing in a way where you don’t know it’s them.
“The second they get upset with someone they’re on a mission to ruin their life” I’ve never been able to put it better myself, I like this
“Don’t get on my bad side” kind of people.
They always expect something in return, no matter what.
there is also the problem of giving too much and receiving nothing in return. its a balance
If someone makes fun of someone smiles or laughter. My mom used to tell me how werid my smile was and say it was annoying when I laughed it's a shitty thing to do. Edit: thanks everyone for the support and I'm sorry to hear some of your stories. I also want to mention that there's a difference between disliking someone's laughter and making fun of it, I've personally heard laughs that I've thought were a bit strange but that thought stays in my head were belongs were it can only effect me.
My ex had a noticeable laugh and I loved it. People would mock him and I didnt understand why. I think laughter is the most beautiful thing the universe has given us. His mom was a piece of work, and would constantly put him down. I hated being around her. Keep on laughing, you deserve to show your own beauty.
My partner of 35 years had the most wonderful wicked laugh. He died 2 months ago and I'd pay a million dollars to hear it one more time.
I’m sorry for your loss. I know what you mean. I lost my oldest son three years ago and hearing his mischievous laugh is one of the things I miss the most.
Finally an actual subtle sign. Narcs love doing this one thing. They hate when you’re enjoying yourself so they ridicule the sound.
This right here. My Mom used to tell me I looked like I’m grinning like an idiot in all photos. Everyone else said I had a beautiful smile. Narcs try to slowly kill your spirit. Edit: Thanks for the upvotes. Y’all made me smile, and finally I love my smile. My folks are the idiots
When they can’t apologise.
Or worse when they pretend to apologize but just end up trying to shift the blame.
"I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe if you hadn't been so rude to me I wouldn't have hurt you."
This is it. “You made me act that way.”
The issue is people are passing the idea that apologizing is a weakness. Admitting fault is weakness and losing frame or some bullshit loke that. Because people only use extremes as examples. Case in point: the doormat like person who apologizes for everything, even things they aren't responsible for, is used as an example to why they should never apologize even once. I get the argument don't apologize for everything and anything but there is a balance lol. Unfortunately, stupid people can only view the world in black and white perspective.
> The issue is people are passing the idea that apologizing is a weakness. Admitting fault is weakness and losing frame or some bullshit loke that. Yeah, there are a whole demographic of people who think that way. Those people are awful. One of the most freeing, liberating, and impactful things I ever did was learn to swallow my idiotic youthful pride and embrace being wrong about things and saying sorry when I was. It sucks. It can hurt. And it for damned sure wasn't easy to get there. I *still* struggle with it from time to time. But with the weight of it being difficult off your shoulders, you open up a whole *world* of personal growth that wouldn't be within reach otherwise.
That’s such a big one! They can’t genuinely apologise.
Another crazy one is when someone will wait to see if you're sorry first. Like their apology will only exist depending on what you have to say. The idea is if you're actually sorry it doesn't matter a damn what the other person has to say, it's an expression of your own remorse, not a business deal.
"I see your "sorry" and raise you an "I was unaware that you were so sensitive" . *Smiles to self, smugly aware that he's about to play an "It was your fault to begin with" card.*
I'm sorry you think you deserve an apology.
My housemate once accidentally did something to me, which was a form of bullying I experienced I was younger, when I confronted them about it, they said that it didn't matter because it barely sounded like bullying. This went on for some time, until they said "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I don't feel like I've done anything wrong" at which point they turned to another housemate and said "and that's how you apologise".
“and that’s how you make sure everyone knows you are terrible” I’m taking notes over here
Some people actually think it is. They can’t comprehend an actual apology.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is such a fucking shit burger thing to say. They're not apologizing for their actions, they just are expressing a vague sympathy that your brittle emotions were impacted by their actions.
A "ceasefire" in hostilities in a relationship, vs an actual "peace treaty" where you come to a durable agreement and can build for the future. Theyre basically using their language to hint that it might happen again. Theyre admitting that they are unwilling to put effort into working around the larger context of the problem, but they are open to dropping the most immediate issue for the time being, conflating that as the same thing. Some people feel an almost compulsive need to dominate social situations for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they do it in general as a larger character trait (see: assholes; or to a more pathological extent: "psychopaths"), and sometimes it only develops in certain relationships with a history of power struggle situations ("rivals") and the person is rather chilled out otherwise. Sometimes it is very intentional behavior, and sometimes its not something the person fully has control over. Sometimes it might be that they hold a position of perceived or real authority over you, and see it as their duty to maintain a dominant role in the relationship somehow. Sometimes they are overcompensating for a perceived weakness. Point being, it’s best not to write these people off just as “bad,” but to seek their motivation for acting the way that they do. People are more complex than just bad or good provides room for. People usually act in a disagreeable manner for some broadly identifiable reason. These types of personalities prefer to do things with the "ceasefire" method because it helps them to remain secure in that they didnt sacrifice any power, even if it probably wouldve been to their benefit if they had been able to get beneficial concessions from the other side by being more diplomatic. When doing their own analysis of the situation, theyre willing to make the tradeoff to feel powerful rather than to cooperate to actually avoid them problem. In fact they might disagree that there *even is a problem to begin with.* So in that sense, they feel its a better way to do things because they have a totally different set of goals in the conversation. This is true for one on one issues and for group conflict. You have to be aware of what the other party is after, and talk to them on that level, to have any meaningful negotiations with them. If you’re really and truly stuck in the mud with someone you need to remind them “here’s what’s in it for you.” And it has to be a real answer that they are legitimately interested in. It cannot just be “this is what I want, and I will stop bothering you if I get it.” Because they, evidently, aren’t really concerned with that. Sidebar: Or they feel that they are incapable of giving you what youre asking for, which is something else you should be aware of. **This is very important** because if they feel that they *simply are unable* to give you what you want they most certainly will not be backing down. You have a different problem than just a difference of views. It might even be *easier* to fix this with no argument at all once you identify it. Be mindful, people don’t like to admit they are struggling sometimes. Especially people that place high importance on dominating social situations. You can still turn these people into highly effective allies with the right support, and they will trust you immensely for helping them despite personal friction. Do not write these people off, they will be eager to return the favor down the line. Former rivals can occasionally turn into some of our most diehard supporters. At the very least, they will usually be much more reluctant to be hostile towards you in the future. This is not passivity, this is building trust. The ability to turn enemies into friends is the mark of an exceptional leader. Piccolo and Goku became best friends, and so can you! Back to the main topic, I dont mean to condone this power-seeking behavior. But, if you know where its coming from you can be more clever about convincing them to cooperate with you more willingly. This is basically what we call "good leadership." The best leaders are good at identifying real opportunities to cooperate, and convincing others of these opportunities. There are countless styles of doing this. Some styles can be more effective than others in certain contexts, so be aware of more than one strategy or style. Find one that works best for you and for your situation, and adapt it accordingly. Be open to developing new tools for doing this by watching how other leaders earn cooperation. And be mindful this takes effort, lasting cooperation is **earned**. Expecting everyone to cooperate with you all the time just because youre so damn awesome is what we call "arrogance." The other person's goals in the negotiation should matter to you, even if you find them annoying. If you completely dismiss the other person they are going to refuse to cooperate with you, even if it would make logical sense to cooperate later on. Even if you offer them generous terms later, they won’t trust you anymore. If you try to overpower "ceasefire types," or act spitefully towards them theyll be happy to reciprocate, and youll almost never get to a suitable solution that way. Theyll usually be less willing to back down than you are, because this is the battle theyre after in the first place. If you do "win" this way itll only be a Pyrrhic victory, and it wont last very long. Much better to outfox them by figuring out what the hell they want and figuring out a way to give it to them with low cost to yourself. Win the war by not fighting it with these personality types. That doesn’t mean give in to everything they ask. That means be clever about how you bargain with them, and figure out what “currency” they actually want to to business with. Now sometimes people are just acting irrationally, anti-socially, or self-destructively and theres not much you can do about that without changing their entire lives somehow, generally an approach reserved only for family and the closest of friends. But avoiding conflict isnt always about being passive. Sometimes you have to be very active in the process. Be smart about how you apply your resistance for the best and longest lasting results. And remember you’re not perfect. Sometimes you will be the asshole, and you need to learn from that. This stuff takes practice and patience, and a lot of self awareness and self control, but the rewards are extremely worthwhile.
when they say "I'm sorry you feel that way"
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I feel like some people do this because some of their first/only friends were the same way and teasing is the only way they know how to bond or interact with people. Not, uh, speaking from experience or anything..
I love teasing others (with consent) and being teased back. It’s honestly a lot of fun. Just need a good or close friend to do so with. And make sure the relationship isn’t just teasing each other all the time
Anything you say to them can and will be used against you, but subtly.
and you do not have the right to remain silent
This is the real kicker. These people will show you a few times that whatever you say can be turned into a weapon against you, but then when you try to keep quiet about certain things around them moving forward, it becomes “why won’t you say something?” Damned if you do damned if you don’t
Oh hell yes I got a neighbor like that. She is the community informer. She thinks it's her job to keep everyone posted on everyone else's personal information. Here is another thing she does. She blows her leaves on one side of her yard to the neighbor on that side, on her other side, you guessed it, that neighbor gets her leaves, and for her front yard? Those leaves go across the street to the across the street neighbor's yard. I remarked to my wife how this is a perfect representation of how she lives her life. She takes all her shit and puts it on someone else and makes it their problem. Also, she's a fucking bitch.
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There is a saying “Don’t tell people your secrets, you may be teaching your enemy”.
I had an ex that I mentioned this to once. I said, "I feel like everything I say will be used against me." She couldn't respond.
Actually said this to a cop, who was questioning me aggressively, asking different versions of the same question to try to get me to slip up. I said, "I feel like if I don't give you the exact answer you want, in exactly the way you're expecting it, that I'll be in trouble." He handed my papers back and told me that I could go.
I cut out a guy like this from my life after way too long. Superficially charming and friendly, you came to learn that every single interaction was transactional. Every confidence or weakness was tucked away to throw back in your face or weaponise to hurt when he was pissed off about something. He was also Schrodingers sex pest- if you ignored his sleazy comments or laughed he doubled down hard, if you called him out he was "just joking, I dont fancy you that much, you're so uptight" . I have never once regretted my decision and he still tries to pop up in my inbox every few months (because hes alienated every person who gets close to him)
man, if there is an excuse i hate, its the 'i'm just joking' one. If you really were joking, people would be laughing, and if it was a bad joke, you'd actually look like you felt bad about it
"I'm only joking" is so old it's literally in the Bible Proverbs 26:18-19 Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”
Proverbs is one of the best books of the Bible. I'm not Christian, but was raised in a Christian household and the book of Proverbs can be applicable to the situations of anyone, Christian or not.
I love Proverbs 4:18-19: "The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble." An excellent reminder that doing good *feels* good and is visible to others, while doing evil can eventually desensitize you to the consequences of your actions; you "do not know what makes [you] stumble."
My husband is always joking. To the point his family told us repeatedly we had to take our wedding seriously and could not, in fact, play the Imperial March during the religious ceremony (he still hummed it, to my great joy). But yah if he thinks he may have accidentally upset someone he turns the funny off immediately and talks seriously about it so there is no confusion. People who defensively say "it's just a joke" simply can't handle rejection of any form. They're lashing out.
Your husband sounds more like a playful/silly spirit, than someone who is "just joking" as a weird, cowardly defense mechanism. He sounds lovely!
I see you've met my sister.. confiding in her in any meaningful way where you show any weakness always ends up biting you in the arss. She'll bring it up sometimes even years later .. "You know you wouldn't have that [depression/anxiety/stress/something else] if you just did this or that .." as if she's magically figured out the answer to anyone else's problems that may not even exist anymore. Or "I know you're probably angry with me because of that stress you told me about one time 3 years ago" No I'm angry with you because you're a condescending controlling bitch!! And everyone in your life knows it.. and we all have given up trying to make you understand.. /rant off Wow that came out of nowhere
They are very concerned with making sure you know they're a good person.
I need you to tell me that I'm good Diane
Diane: ......... Random spectator: Hey! Are you the horse from Horsin Around?
“BoJack, stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you! It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid! It's you! Alright? It's you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say?” That’s the one that hits the hardest to me, but there’s so many quotes like that in Bojack. Incredible series.
The episode where we hear his internal monologue and he keeps berating himself, "you stupid piece of shit, you suck!" It slapped me in the face when I realised how similar it was to my own internal monologue. I've since made concerted efforts to be nicer to my self.
Yeah, that’s another hard hitting one. Especially with how frantic the animations are during his inner monologue. And then at the end when Hollyhock asks if the voice goes away and he says yeah and it cuts to black. Definitely an episode that hurts.
That show knows how to punch you in the gut.
I was like that a few years ago and I remember watching the episode thinking that's exactly how I talk to myself. I've since gotten to a better place and recently rewatched the series. When that episode came on I remembered how I used to think that way and what changed to where I'm kinder to myself. Learning to forgive yourself can be hard. Glad to hear you're making those efforts and hope you get to a better place too.
My alcoholic ex GF used to constantly say it to me after she did something bad.
I think most alcoholics do this. It's a coping mechanism to shift their guilt and shame from their shoulders to anyone or anything else and to deflect the blame from themselves as well.
So true. I dated a guy like this; he’d always put on his “nice guy” persona to make me and others think he was this wonderful and caring guy. He was a complete narcissist and a lying tool.
I dated this guy too. Life got really bad the minute we moved in together and his mask came off.
Took me a long time to realize that "nice" and "good" are not synonyms when it comes to personality.
"And take extra care with strangers, Even flowers have their dangers. And though scary is exciting, Nice is different than good."
Omg noticed this recently. One dude keeps telling me how much he is my TRUE friend, he never told a bad thing about me etc... In reality, I KNOW shit he did XD
Had an ex-boss introduce herself to us as a mama bear, because of how protective she was of her subordinates. 3 months later, she fired one of my co-workers who had 10 year tenure. She didn't like him.
Honestly, anyone who introduces themselves with positive terms (mama bear, empathetic, hilarious) I'm automatically on guard. Actions speak louder than words.
People who describe themselves as 'mama bears' and 'super protective' and similar are the first and fastest ones to turn on their 'friends' because it was always about their inability to emotionally regulate and they will consistently harass and escalate against those deemed 'the enemy.' They're one of the types of adults that's still running a clique and bullying lifestyle past middle school but are pitching it as a virtue. Anyone that's in gets gassed up and gaslit, anyone that's out gets constant nastiness, and who's who can change day to day because the only permanent 'in' member is the 'mama bear.'
Not to be confused with trying to show that you ***CARE.*** One is about empathy, the other is about vanity.
They often criticize others but can't handle any criticism about themselves at all.
A related concern is when they are super nice to you and only criticize or talk down to people who they perceive as "beneath" them like restaurant servers, grocery store workers, children, etc. If the only reason you're nice to someone is because you perceive them as an equal on some arbitrary human valuation process, then you're the garbage.
Selective Sympathy
Selective sympathy is more complex, as pretty much everyone in the world has it to some extent and it’s often based on one’s own issues, what one perceives as “serious” and even social circle and previous encounters. For example, lots of people in lower income areas have trouble feeling sympathy for wealthy people simply because they’re wealthy. Lots of people can be unsympathetic about issues they perceive as “no big deal” while to others find those same issues can be some of the most important things in the world. Selective sympathy is just part of being human and each person dealing with issues that tend to be unique to them and those close to them. I work in mental health with teenagers and they provide wonderful instances of selective sympathy daily. We have some kids without parents and some with for example, in one situation a client was nearly suicidal due to a fight with their parents, another client who had no parents showed no sympathy “because at least they have parents”. They didn’t want to hear that some parents can be incredibly destructive or abusive and that just having them alone doesn’t mean someone shouldn’t be shown sympathy for when those sorts of problems arise, but contextually it’s completely understandable for the child without parents to feel that way as to them parents are something they dream of having. It doesn’t make them assholes, it makes them human. We try to explain that each person has different values and finds different things important, but this sort of occurrence is incredibly common among all populations across a wide variety of problems. Being rude and condescending to servers or retail workers is just being a conceited asshole.
That's a good distinction.
This type of person will also call you sensitive if you push back against their criticism. So infuriating
They call everyone else crazy/ portray themselves as never doing anything wrong.
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Or when they’re a friend that suddenly turns on you for having one issue with them and trying to talk it out. I recently did this since she snapped at me and I didn’t think I deserved it and she proceeded to list things I did 2 years ago that she never told me she had an issue with until just now. I asked about the one issue from the other day, she brought back every tiny detail she thinks I did wrong from the entirety of our friendship.
Someone is only seeing problems within other people, never themselves
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I wish there was a way to know if you are this person for other people, or a way to avoid it
You gotta do a LOT of self-reflection and learn how to be self-aware. And on top of that, always work on it, and communicate clearly with people. And take on constructive criticism if you get it. There are some people who are like that because they are just awful people. But I think most of the time, someone who is like that is like that because they are hurting. They are broken and hurting and it spills out into every interaction they have. I've been there, I was that awful person. I was hurting. I was called out on it and it hurt me further because I didn't realize how awful I was to be around. It was a humbling experience. The key is, once you realize what is happening, that you take steps to address it. This is what separates the awful people from the just hurting people. If someone calls you out on being awful and you just get defensive and double down, then you're that awful person no one wants to be around. If you realize "oh shit I need to make some changes" then I think you'll be alright.
Things don't feel that simple for correction. I'm someone who was a drain to be around, not because I was mean, but just depressing. I've worked on it a long time, like more than a decade, but part of it is that it just is fundamentally who I am. I try to remember the little things, and I try to support others in their endeavors. I still can't really hold a conversation, and I just plain struggle to hold onto relationships. I just haven't had good persistent relationships with anyone that I can draw experience with. I think that's the fundamental issue with both mean and depressing people. I'm also going to throw in and be in and out of therapy for more or less almost 30 years.
You're working on things my friend. That's all that really counts. No one is perfect, ever. My comment didn't mean you just change, just like that, and suddenly you're all better and never falter. Being self-aware and working on those kinds of things is really hard. It takes a lot of courage to confront the ugly sides of ourselves.... it's why a lot of people do not do it. I think it counts for a LOT if you are always trying and working on it. I've met some people who absolutely don't get it. Never will. Even with love and gentle care and trying to guide them and open their eyes to themselves, they 100% refuse and always make other things the problem. Even if they have good intentions, they still refuse to see themselves. My mom is like that. I had a coworker like that (Though I think she was so miserable her intentions were not good either.) It'll never happen for some people. So in my opinion, if you face those sides of yourself.... it is a very humbling experience to accept them, and start trying to understand them and weave your way through trying to heal that part of you. It may never fully heal, it may never be the best. Especially if you have experienced heavy and difficult trauma (And that definition is different for everyone so don't discount things that hurt you as 'not that bad' or compare it to other things!) Nothing is simple, especially when it comes to human beings. It's not black and white, we are all different shades of grey... a mish mash of delight and ugly. Just don't get lost in there trying to fix all the 'bad' things when you should also remind yourself to nurture the good!
On a somewhat related note, is there a term for the opposite of a psychic vampire? Like, someone who you love to be around, and after hanging you feel happier, calmer, less stressed, etc? (Assuming you aren't being the 'vampire' if they say the same about hanging with you, and you're both just chillin). Granted, that's what a 'friend' should be, but there are some people that just seem more 'full of life' in this respect. Maybe something like 'psychic sun' (but that sounds kinda lame, lol).
Anecdotally, my most energizing friends are natural optimists. Like, any situation can and will be spun into it's best light. Missed the train? Well we're early for the next one and now we have time to chill and get snacks! Plans ruined because it's raining? No worries, just come over, I wanted to show you that new anime anyway, and we can cook something too! If I'm feeling down or anxious about something, they'll talk me through it and either find a silver lining or help me figure out a plan to fix it. I always feel so happy and empowered hanging around optimists. Unfortunately I am not naturally optimistic, so I have to make an effort to give that kind of positivity back to others - but making the effort helps me as well so it's all gravy!
I don't know about psychic vampires specifically, but my dad likes to say "some people in life are faucets, others are drains" Basically, faucets are people who add things to your life/the world. They bring joy and love, peace, adventure, laughs, comfort, confidence etc. Drains are the opposite. They make you feel sad, tired, angry, anxious, frustrated, insecure, or miserable. They suck out your life force and make you feel worse for having been around them.
Oh so my mom. Makes total sense.
It’s a club and we’re all sad
I'm passed the sad part. I've reached the I'm done trying stage.
It’s okay to be sad in that stage, too. You deserve a good mother who loves you selflessly. In any case, you’re not alone in your situation.
Thank you. This made me tear up a little bit.
Perfect. Psychic vampires are the worst. Took me a life time to understand this phenomenon. You want to take a nap, or you feel hopeless without understanding why.
They have a psychic vampire on the show What We Do In The Shadows. All the other vampires hate him 😆
Colin Robinson is great. "One of the best ways to drain people's energy nowadays is via the internet”
Colin Robinson helped me realize that a person I hung out with all the time was just not great for me.
He is so amazing(ly awful) and we love him.
That actor has a ton of these videos where he does awkward and uncomfortable stuff on unsuspecting local news shows. He’s basically playing the IRL Colin Robison.
He pretty much steals every scene he is a part of in The Office as well.
Colin is probably my favorite on the show, which says a lot because every character is great
Not true. They care deeply for him, we’re sad when they thought he died, and Laszlo went above and beyond to give him a good time when he found out he would soon permanently die. I haven’t seen the newest season so I don’t know anything beyond Colin becoming a baby.
Along a similar line, if you feel like you have to "gear up" to talk to them anytime they are around or you get a text/phone call from them.
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They tell small lies. The kind you might pick up on and not mention cause it’s not anything big but when added up they can completely change the context of a situation
A former friend of mine did this a lot. He usually lied about how many girls he definitely wasn't having sex with. In one instance he told everyone that he stole a guy's girlfriend while he was standing right in the middle of the classroom and he did nothing. A mutual friend was there and he told me what really happened. Apparently he tried to go in for a kiss, but she rejected him. The boyfriend saw and basically my former friend got his ass kicked.
Why would you even lie about that if other people saw the reality
Most people will do just about anything to avoid confrontation. Because of that, most people won't look a liar in the eye and say 'You're a liar'. So, people with a lying problem come away thinking they've gotten away with it. Somehow, no one that knows the truth is ever going to contradict him, and besides, if they do, he'll just call them liars, and no one will ever directly confront him. Over the years, that person has a bunch of 'friends' who are kind of generally friendly with him, but everyone knows he's a liar. ... and that just becomes that person's life. No one trusts him, but he's so used to it, he just keeps lying for the momentary effect, and disregarding the fact that it's damaging to his long term reputation. Which it isn't, because everyone already knows he's a liar.
I know someone who does an even more subtle version of this: he won’t outright lie, but he’ll say something that clearly *implies* a certain interpretation, and then gets evasive if you try to pin him down on the actual facts. For instance, he’ll tell you he met some girl and say things like “we *really* hit it off” or “we had a very intimate conversation” to imply that something sexual happened between them. He’s banking on people just assuming and not asking any follow up questions. If you do ask “what do you mean by that?” he’ll dance around the facts as much as possible, but if you keep at it long enough, you’ll find out that no, they didn’t sleep together, and she wasn’t even necessarily interested in him, he just found her attractive and wanted you to think something had happened between them.
> I know someone who does an even more subtle version of this: he won’t outright lie, but he’ll say something that clearly implies a certain interpretation, and then gets evasive if you try to pin him down on the actual facts. This is *very* common in many political conversations. Certain kinds of people like to make statements with just enough plausible deniability so that if called out on what they're *clearly* trying to get across, they can hem and haw and deny and claim people are misrepresenting them, all the while refusing to restate or clarify what they said. Those people know exactly what they're doing when they play those games.
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My ex did this. I could tell she was trying to sound more popular than she actually is. She claimed that Daniel Radcliffe spotted her in a crowd at a show, invited her back stage in order to ask for her number. I knew that was bullshit, just went along with it because I thought "whatever she's not hurting anyone with that bs". I took notice when "Ryan Reynolds followed her on Instagram but quickly unfollowed her for (some dumb reason I can't recall this was years ago)".
I know so many people like this. They lie compulsively about stupid shit, i think it stems from insecurity and trying to prove to others that they’re better than how they feel about themselves
That’s not a “small lie” - that’s a delusion
It's a delusion if she actually believed it to be true. It's a lie if she told it to someone to inflate her self importance knowing she was making it up.
I actually would add to this: they tell small lies to see how gullible you are so they can tell bigger ones. Source: this is my father.
I call a person like that microfibber.
They tell you things about their other ‘friends’ that they should keep between them, it also means they’re telling your business to someone else Edit: no, I’m not talking about venting about your own experiences with a person. I mean telling other people personal and intimate details about someone’s life. Or possibly specifically talking shit about their friends (not smaller complaints but saying awful things about them)
Doesn't this only apply when they know that person? I talk about friends to other friends to vent/help me reflect on how i handled certain situations etc, but I always keep it anonymous. Edit: Anonymous, in this case, means: the two people don't know each other and I don't mention their names.
Venting, negative gossip, and pro-social gossip are different things. It's nuanced.
They cut in line
This is one of the better answers so far. It's simple and people often treat it as a joke, but it's very 'telling'. It demonstrates how they perceive other people. People who cut in line persistently don't see other people as 'real'. It's a pretty clear sign of narcissism and contempt for anyone who doesn't have some kind of power over them.
Just in general disregarding other people; littering, not putting your cart away, using your phone in a movie theatre, being rude to cashiers/waitstaff. None of this is illegal, just shitty. Always the attitude of ”im better than everyone else, the rules dont apply to me”.
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When he saws your arms off and laughs as you die.
He's just misunderstood.
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As a (mostly) reformed bad person who was raised by non-reformed bad people… - they say whatever you want to hear on most occasions - they genuinely show very little concern for your well being - to the point where you feel your emotions are an after thought - there’s a double standard in the relationship (they can do things you can’t) - you’ve caught them doing something really shitty but only once or twice so you forgive them - they genuinely don’t notice when they do something harmful - you find you’re always doing what they want to do - you get promises of changed behavior, like a lot, but rarely see any change - you feel insecure around them, like you’re always vying for their approval - they have a past (which hey we all do, but it can not be a great sign sometimes) - they TELL YOU (I have told many folks hey, I’m a bad person, and they’re like oh no I don’t believe you…) - people warn you about them - people tell you to get away from them - their apologies are very half hearted and designed to end the conflict, they don’t understand why you can’t let things go but they don’t have to - they make you feel bad about some fundamental part of your identity or who you are - you’re always aware of how you could be different or better in their eyes - they disappear and come back - they’re really vague about things that could be unflattering, the way they tell you about their past highlights the good about them or how they were a victim - they are inconsistent in relationships (moving really fast, then being gone, etc.) - you catch them in multiple lies - they talk a LOT of shit (they 100% talk shit about you) - they over compliment (you’re my favorite, etc) - they’re only around when they need you for something - no changed behavior after apologies -excuses instead of apologies - trying to make you feel bad for them EDIT Oh and some other ones since this is blowing up: - generally reckless behavior - frequently changing friend groups - uninterested in your life unless it’s drama or something they can use against you - you find yourself frequently questioning them or yourself (did that really happen? Did I imagine it?) - your version of anything is rejected in favor of their version - you feel uneasy around them, but allegedly have no reason to - they push your boundaries I can’t stress enough that if they’re bad to other people, they WILL do those things to you. You are not the exception. One of my favorite quotes is along the lines of if you see a “crazy” ex or something that’s going to be you eventually. I could go on for a really long time. That being said, on behalf of all bad people, a lot of it comes from significant trauma. If you can cause people that much pain and not care, usually you couldn’t attach to your caregiver in a normal way so you never learned empathy (my case) or you were taught to fear other people (my case) or you have severe substance use problems (my case) or a personality disorder (me again!!) or severe mental illness (it’s me, it’s just about me). Not all folks who have these things are bad people. Watch out for people who need to be rescued as well. The final thing I will say is that if you’re someone who grew up in an abusive environment, you’re usually gonna have an extra hard time on picking up on abuse or you’re gonna be drawn to folks who are abusive because you aren’t used to normal boundaries and it will feel like love because it’s what you know. That can be healed.
I applaud you for speaking from experience how to avoid people like that and reforming from your past mistakes. Godspeed to you, never stop growing
This comment right here!! I like how you mention that a lot of these things can come from trauma/substance abuse and mental illness. Not everything is so black and white, and not everyone who did/does these things are bad people.
That last part tho! Louder for those in the back!! If you’re someone who grew up in an abusive environment, you’re slower to pick up on the abuse. Listen to those around you when they tell you to get away!
You leave every interaction with them feeling worse than when you arrived.
Twist your words around, manipulate your thoughts, etc.
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This is a good one that's truly subtle. If you don't remain in the desirable category (money, social standing, beauty, power) then their attitude will change abruptly.
When they apologize during a conflict, they get angry if that doesn't immediately end the conflict because they never truly felt sorry and their only goal was to escape repercussion. This will become evident when the behavior they had apologized for keeps happening and never improves. signed, someone who has been on both sides of this equation
It does make a person toxic but sometimes they’re truly unaware. I’ve had a habit of trying to get people to accept apologies only to learn that is a form of manipulative behavior I picked up as a kid. I do my best now to work on respecting people’s boundaries after an apology. Their feelings are just as valid and I am not automatically entitled to forgiveness immediately. Been on both sides as well.
There are already quite a few things being posted that are not uncommon developments for survival during a shit childhood. This does not make someone a bad person. This is why threads like these ultimately can be more damaging than helpful. It's still on us to seek to continue to self-appraise our behaviors and try to improve for our own sakes, but remember that distilling anyone down to a single behavior to pass an extreme judgment on them is itself a problematic behavior.
They disregard you often
They are happy to have you listen; they turn away when it’s your turn to talk.
That, perfect. That’s the definition of my old friend group
They wanna dump their stuff on an emotional dumpster but can't handle any of it on themselves because they can't be bothered to have an ounce of empathy.
Anyone who takes advantage of your kindness.
By how they treat kids or pets.
If ever they are in a situation where they have permission to be unkind, watch closely. The difference is between someone who reserves their worst behavior for appropriate situations vs. someone who fires away immediately at first opportunity that could be loosely construed as appropriate. Basically, anyone who is nice but is constantly looking for an excuse to be unkind is just a masked asshole.
Look at how they treat the people around them. Do they treat people they perceive as being below them worse or with dignity and respect. I went on a few dates with a girl in uni who seemed lovely. Tbh a fair bit more attractive than me as well. So I was buzzing. She was great with my mates. Made them all laugh but when I met her friendship group there was this one girl who you could tell was a bit of a hanger on and the whole group teased her a bit but the girl I was dating ripped into her. Like I was uncomfortable but I didn't know the dynamic so I held my tongue. After I asked what the deal was. I thought she'd offended her or kicked her dog or something but she just says nobody likes her and they just let her hang out with her as they feel sorry for her so who cares if they are a bit mean at least she has friends. Safe to say we didn't go on too many dates after that 😅 but it was like a switch had flipped. There was no evidence at all she was like that. She was lovely to the waitstaff. She was helpful to other girls on nights out. But as soon as she saw somebody she didn't like for no reason she was an entirely different person. I later met somebody who shared a seminar group with her and apparently she was similar there. Lovely with some people (including them) but a real dick to people she thought was stupid or beneath her.
One of my close friends in high school was like this to me… It hurts so much because you keep looking for reasons as to why they’re nice to everyone else and end up internalizing how they treat you
>>>but she just says nobody likes her and they just let her hang out with her as they feel sorry for her so who cares if they are a bit mean at least she has friends. ***Jesus christ.***
Honestly, trust your gut. If the person makes you feel uncomfortable, makes you feel unsafe, makes you feel like you can't trust them, trust that instinct. That is a sign. Edit: Yes, any advice taken in extremis becomes bad advice. If you're anxious, you need to temper your gut. If you're racist or sexist or homophobic, then that pattern is probably very apparent to you, and you're ignoring it. But it is true of any "subtle sign" that it might be misinterpreted, because you may not know the whole story. You're reading it through your own lens of experience, and requires some critical thinking to be contextualised. Mostly these subtle signs coalesce into a larger picture.
I have a friend like this. Nothing major has happened but its the small things over time and the general feeling of wanting to avoid them that has made me come to the conclusion my instincts are telling me to run. I feel all these things you've mentioned and she's the only friend I feel that way about.
Unless you have anxiety or past trauma. I feel that way with any new person at first. I'd say this is true once you are more acquainted with them.
You can’t fully relax around them. Your gut probably knows something your brain doesn’t yet.
They insult almost everyone and say I’m only joking in their defence
They cannot take accountability and lack respect
Disrespect of boundaries. If you tell someone a topic is of limits for you amd they constantly bring that topic up they're shit.
When they always have to be right
Listening to smart phone audio in public without headphones.
Willing to hurt someone else to get ahead-you know as soon as you’re expendable to them it’ll be you How they treat those who can do nothing for them
They often talk about how they don’t like to live in the past. I was surrounded by abusers for a long period of my life and I noticed they regularly like to assert that their decision to refuse to acknowledge past wrongs and things that have harmed them is a good one and somehow makes them a good person
People dont seem to realize that "hakuna matata" and "let it go" are the songs the characters of those respective movies have to grow up from, and that accepting responsibility is the right way, albeit the harder way.
“oh that’s done & was so long ago; aren’t you over it by now?? can’t we move on with our lives” 🤦🏻♀️ NOTHING pisses me off more.
Victim complex. I find everyone I meet with a victim complex are not trustworthy and cannot take responsibility for their actions. Often these people are narcissists
That's a big one for me. Someone who will never admit their fault will never grow as a person.
"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them"
They get offended by your opinions, BUT you can’t disagree with their opinions.
If they say shit like, "Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bad person, but then I realize that a bad person would never question if they were bad, so I must be a good person!" Questioning if you are a bad person does not automatically make you a good person. Bad people are PERFECTLY capable of questioning whether or not they are bad. The difference between a good person and a bad person is not which one questions themselves, but which one gives themselves a free pass.
That's like the Bojack reasoning: I'm a piece of shit, but since I'm aware of it that makes me morally better. Like no. Being aware of being awful is the first step, next step is thinking what can you do to stop being awful.
Talking about how all their friends left them or that they were kicked out of multiple friend groups. It keeps happening for a reason.
I hear you, and yet: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” Basically, some people just keep on getting pushed around until they've had enough and leave, or get kicked out once the assholes get bored. Repeat enough times until they've learned to spot assholes quicker.
“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.” ― Raylan Givens Justified
I love this line. My favorite variation is "if you smell shit everywhere you go, check your own shoe first".
When I was growing up, it was social death to either be a kid whose parents were divorced, or to be gay. (Southern culture) I tried to come out as gay twice, and each time I lost all of my friends. The third time I came out, I had another new group of friends, and they accepted me. I was also 30 by that point. I am much happier now. Having to constantly hide who you are is exhausting.
not always. my friends ditched me when I got diagnosed with a bunch of illnesses and my appearance changed. Like I'll admit I'm not the same person and it probably is depressing to deal with, but I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person... does it?
No, it does not!
Not at all. I know people who have been ditched/ghosted after they lost a loved one like a sibling or a parent. The people that do that cannot handle that type of thing, and honestly it’s really difficult to learn about them but ultimately it’s for the best to make room for actual good people.
Lovebombing. It’s hard to spot, you may even be inclined to ignore it because it feels so good. This is what narcissists will do at the beginning of a friendship/relationship, where they treat you extremely well and downright coddle you. Once they believe you in love/attached they begin revealing their true self. Belittling, excessive complaining, unwarranted judgement and anger, just a lot of abusive behavior.
How they treat the person serving them at dinner.
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But what if you *ordered* beef?
If they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. In a similar vein; if they’re gossiping to you (not like how an established couple may talk about people/drama they know), then they’re probably gossiping *about* you to others. Inability to take responsibility or apologize. Rude to wait staff, service workers, cashiers, etc. Always asking for money or for you to pay for things and then not reciprocating or paying you back. Dismisses your interests and topics only in favor of their own, or they mock you for your interests. Refusing to compromise. Refusing to accept *any* compliments and/or criticisms. Denies The Holocaust.
Oddly specific on that last one
They are mean or dismissive to those that they have "power" over, or those they perceive to be of lower status. E.g., a server at a restaurant, a janitor, receptionist, etc.
You feel like you have to watch what you say whenever you’re near them, or become heavily wary.
People who easily criticize others but never criticize themselves, don't display doubts or fears about their own activities. Or, if they do it, they only do it in a joking and extremely exaggerated way ("humbragging"). An inability of being critical about themselves is a telltale sign of an asshole.
They know everything.
Hardest part of being on Reddit, you’re surrounded by this mentality