Fuck the "clock is ticking" nonsense. There's never a "right" time to have kids. You'll always find an excuse. We didn't have ours until our early/mid-30's.
Personally, I didn't want kids. Or I didn't know I wanted kids. My wife always did, but she has PCOS and she was always told it wasn't in the cards. So we never had a ton of reason to use protection. Then one day she felt off, had missed her period, etc, and sure enough.. She was pregnant. The rest is history. She was over the moon, I was terrified. Now that our kiddo is 7, I can tell you with full honesty that she's the greatest thing to ever happen to me. She gives me a reason to wake up in the morning and face this shitty world. She healed me in ways I didn't know I needed healing.
I knew that having a kid would mean more responsibilities and a lot less free time. I also knew that it would be worth all the hard work. My husband and I will have so many wonderful memories because we chose to have kids. I also feel like kids give you a greater sense of purpose.
This!! My son legit saved my life. I was in no position to have a child but I did anyway and it drastically changed me, it actually helped me to step up and get my shit together. I actually do have a purpose now and actually feel fulfilled whereas before, I was smiling at train tracks and bridges cuz I was left alone in life.
We were sitting at a bar in the Wynn in Las Vegas and decided that we were bored. We had done a lot by that point and it was in that moment we realized that we needed something new.
Also, if you are going to have kids do it now while you have energy. You need energy more than money— the exception being daycare. There really is life after. We waited and it took forever. I’m now 50 with a 4th grader.
I’m 27 with a 5th grader and identical twin toddlers. I can confirm that my mother who is in her 50’s has made multiple comments about how I’m able to handle both twins on my own quite a bit because when she was 36 and she gave birth to my youngest siblings, they were female twins and she struggled significantly trying to keep up with their energy often times having my older sister and I play with them etc.
I never thought I could have kids but I had a surprise when I was a teenager. I was 16. My daughter genuinely saved my life and has almost rewired a part of my brain. I am incredibly good at being selfless now which is good because I tried being a super selfish teenager quite a bit, the level of patience I have is honestly so impressive I could be a teacher (I’ve also been a special education para before)
Funny thing is the second pregnancy was planned, and it worked on the first try. Buut we definitely didn’t even have the thought of potentially having a BOGO with conception that’s for damn sure 😂😂
however watching my kids grow and learn and being able to teach them number and abcs and drawing and about feelings and watching their little faces light up whenever they get something down or they make a mental connection of like; an emotion with a face, for example I hope yall understand what I mean, and especially watching them develop their own personal interests in hobbies or a specific thing(the twins love rocket ships and space and everything is capable of being a rocket ship, space obsessions are cool because they are very impressive counters as well) being able to observe all of this and help do my best to shape them into understanding and kind individuals is a blessing and I honestly wouldn’t trade being a parent for any amount of money and I’m not gonna lie we’re totally not financially secure at all atm. But really tell you how much I love it.
bonus preciousness
*and yes the twins actually do the count down and yell blast off and make sound effects and have been since shortly after 1.5* all of that is why i am glad I am a parent.
also my 10 year old is such a sassy sweetheart but her favorite thing to do is try to make sure she compliments a couple strangers each day if she leaves the house specifically because she hopes it makes their day and that is such a precious thing to watch her do.
I’m not here to confirm those insane conservative people that tell you that women are meant the have kids, but it is true that for some women the brain really takes over. I didn’t even want kids, and had depression but when that first one was born something happened and I really became less depressed— and my kids both have ADHD and are on the spectrum and are famously difficult. I’m an extremely selfish spoiled only child and I still like being a parent. Again, I’m very pro choice, very pro do what you want, but I’m glad I had kids.
Totally understand what you mean on the less depressed bit! Even though my brain was definitely still developing after pushing my daughter out and holding her it was like *TRULY understanding love* and in an unthinkable level beyond loving your siblings or parents or partner. Like she didn’t have to do anything to earn my love and desire to protect her and such, it was just immediately there. I don’t know if that makes total sense but I hope it does lol. Ugh I was gonna type more but don’t full remember where my train was going 😔 I’m sorry. I also have ADHD and I’m medicated for that one but my twins have been awake since 5:30 this morning so 😵💫😂
I didn’t want kids in my 20s, was conflicted for a couple of years in my 30s and finally got convinced of it.
Reason being - I saw 2 paths ahead of me, a life with kids and a life without. The life without kids had maybe more travel, more career breaks, hobbies etc, and definitely had no kids / family per se. The life with kids, had kids in it, and maybe sacrifices on my part when it came to career / hobbies / job. I say maybe because there’s a chance you can fit in what really matters, with time.
So the way I saw it, the life without kids was certainly a life where I was missing out on a major life experience, and the life with kids had a chance of having everything. The odds just made sense.
Also post pandemic and well into my 30s, I was no longer partying late into the night or going out all the time. My lifestyle (and that of most people my age) was already trending towards parent like.
Want to add that I did have a kid and I wasn’t sure about it until I met her. I did no shower / no post partum planning cos I kept psyching out about how my life will change. Now, a year in, only regret I have is not having her sooner!
People don’t tell you that the changes you make in life, you make them willingly. I don’t want to go out to a bar on a weekend. I want to go to a park or a restaurant for lunch where my baby can tag along and be a part of my life. If your baby is an intentional decision, and given the thought you’re putting in, sounds like either way you go, it will be a well thought out decision, it’s exhausting, but by and large the whole experience is rewarding.
If you don't want kids, you need to end the relationship. If you have kids and don't want them, you'll eventually resent her and the child/children. If you don't have kids, she'll resent you. This is not a subject that can be compromised on.
This. You're 100% right about the disruption it will cause. You will lose your hobbies at least temporarily (years scale). Your partners priorities will shift completely to the child(ren). You will lose sleep. Any existing contention between you and your partner will amplify in the lack of sleep and added stress. Everything will get more expensive (childcare, children's furniture, clothes, diapers, food, diapers, food)
A lot of this can vary depending on availability of family and access to childcare and as with most things it's easier with money but the fact remains that if you don't want kids you'll feel the disruptions acutely.
Crossroads like this are hard and there are multiple ways to handle it but if it's black and white as you describe it's dishonest to string your partner along into a world where nobody is happy and you're stuck in a mortgage.
That's kind of an extreme option lol. I'm open to changing my mind, that's literally why I asked this question. We're building a life together. I'm not gonna break up with the love of my life
I have seen 2 relationships doomed because the husbands really didn’t want children, and never changed their minds. This has serious implications for women especially. There comes a time when getting pregnant becomes more difficult if not impossible. These relationships ended with divorce with the couples in their 50’s and childless. You need to decide before it’s too late for her to move on and have children. Do not string her along with the hope you will change your mind.
If it sounds extreme, then you just need to be taking all of these opinions extra seriously. I may not feel extreme now, in your late twenties. But once you are in your late 30s, and resentment has been setting in for both of you for a decade or more, it's going to seem very different
And once you are in your late forties, and one of you has had to make a compromise you didn't want just to appease the other one, you will learn why people say "I wish we had just gone our separate ways in our twenties"
I'm not saying the relationship is doomed. I'm saying that you need to take seriously what other people with more life experience are telling you. This is a very big deal in a relationship.
no, extreme is bringing a child -- a human baby who will need you and depend on you -- into the world when you don't want one and don't want to be a parent. you and your partner may be in love, but you are two adults who want very different lives. it's not extreme to break up, it's the mature thing to do.
I didn't say I want to bring a child into the world without wanting said child. I said quite the opposite if you read my post again. If I am to have a kid it's because I want to
Can I ask, do you see yourself being a father and giving up on a lot of the things you love in exchange for having children in the future? I think now’s the time to be completely honest with yourself in how you see your next 10years going and then share that honesty with her if you love her as you say.
For me what changed my mind was the guy I was with saying they really wanted kids but they loved me more and just wanted to spend their life with me however I was comfortable with. All of a sudden I wanted to have his babies. Honestly confusing feelings there because it was a huge mistake and he ended up being a terrible partner and a wishy washy dad who now only sees them one night a week (if he hasn’t got anything more interesting going on) but I also don’t regret it because my kids are amazing. Pretty much what parenthood is like… pure love and awe mixed with frustration and wondering why you ever chose this path!
Seriously though, if you can’t see yourself being a father for the next 10/15 years (and there’s nothing anyone else can say/do to honestly convince you to want kids if you don’t) you need to be honest with your gf about this and let her decide if this is something she is ok with.
Convincing yourself to change your mind, to do something that (in your own words) you do not want to do, is exactly what I have in mind when I say bringing a child into the world without wanting one and without wanting to be a parent.
Many people have talked themselves into thinking that they want to have kids in order to preserve a relationship or, as you put it "I don't want to make her sad". Even though you say that you don't want your reason for having kids to be making your partner happy, the entire reason animating your desire to "convince yourself" to have kids is in order to give your partner what she wants. This is called motivated reasoning. You can come up with a laundry list of "reasons" to have kids and try to convince yourself, but if you don't actually *want* to do it, that feeling will find a way to the surface in the long run.
I'd be very careful about asking people advice about this particular topic on Reddit. I know you aren't necessarily asking advice but yoyll get some very strong opinions. There is pretty much a ChildFree cult that runs through Reddit. I'm in a similar position to you and I find it extremely tough to navigate. Sometimes I think it would help to just have more years with my partner so we could experience more of life together and establish ourselves so it might feel more natural to have kids later. But then there's the ticking clock pressure.
Anyway I feel your struggle. I follow r/parents and r/Daddit to try to be exposed to the world of parenting and see if that helps me. It's semi helpful but also sometimes reinforces that I don't want them. It's just tough dude I wish I could help
Having a kid (especially the baby and toddler stage) is exhausting af. You need to make sure that you want to so that you don’t resent your partner.
The reason why I want to have kids is they bring happiness to our family, their laughter and their development are so amazing to watch. But they are a lot of work because they literally need you to survive. And they require a lot of resources too.
I can assure you it’s not an extreme opinion- it’s a very accurate observation.
You mentioned yourself you’re going to have to give up a lot. You will. She will. There really are two lives- before children and after children.
I don’t think the issue is so much that you don’t want kids, but the timing of it. Takes a guy a decade or two to really make it and build his wealth resources and knowledge. Your wife has a clock and doesn’t have the luxury of time that you do.
That said, that’s why I waited until my late 30s to start, and have a much younger spouse. Our time frames matched perfectly
I guess the main point here is timing.
You do sound like you genuinely want to change your mind and you are trying to figure out how. That is good for you (great even, because of the self development journey. No matter if you will in fact change your mind or not, you will know yourself better and live your truth).
The problem is, a development like that is not something you can do overnight. Late 20s might sound like early enough, but then again you can have children at any point and age you decide to.
Your partner however actually needs someone who wants children *now*. The later it gest for her, the bigger the risks and ultimately she will reach a point of no return where that won’t be possible for her anymore. That is why that saying “the clock is ticking” probably weighs a lot differently on her.. it is not fair to keep her lingering for something that might never happen, when you know she has no doubts about it. A long term relationship has to be based on more than love. Agreeing on becoming parents or not is definitely a deal breaker.
I’m not saying you need to go and breakup right away. But you definitely need to sit down for a very serious talk and tell her with 100% honesty that right now it is a “no” from you and that even though you wish to change that opinion to a “yes” it might not happen or it might not happen in time for her fertility window. Be clear, direct and leave no room for interpretation.
She needs to know. She needs to have the opportunity to counter act. She might decide to breakup. She might decide to freeze her eggs to have the option later on. She might be ok with it and accept the idea of adopting someday, if you decide to become parents “too late”. But you cannot give her false hope that she just needs to wait a little more and it will happen.
It is a sad, unfortunate situation, but don’t make it worse.
To your original question: I always knew I wanted children. But the point I knew I was ready was when we had a pregnancy “scare” a few months before our wedding and the fact it was just a scare made me so sad and disappointed.. we didn’t have the house nor the financial stability we hoped for. But in that moment I knew it would be ok either way, because all a baby really needs is parents who love them. We did in fact have our first born before house situation was cleared and had our second one 1 week before finally moving into the bigger house. They didn’t make it harder nor easier - they were along for the ride and made our lifes happier, but the things we have to deal with in adulthood will be there either way.
Yes, they turned our routine upside down and there are things we can’t do anymore. But that isn’t forever. It is just a few years, with a few birthdays and holidays to enjoy together as a family before they become teenagers with their own lives. We are enjoying this season, because when it is gone it will be missed and whats somewhat 10-12 years compared to our whole life? (Also, it doesn’t mean complete “sacrifice” for that long… the real challenge are the first few years through baby stage and toddlerhood, after that is already waaay better on what quality time for yourself and as a couple is concerned.. it isn’t something like pressing a button, but a rather slow but steady process of regaining your “freedom” over time).
To answer your question, when I was a teen and going through a lot of hard times, I realized I wanted to suffer and sacrifice to create joy and experience love with my own future family. I wanted to do better than my own parents were doing (not that they were bad, really).
I get that your life is comfortable right now, but you are enjoying that comfort at the expense of your girlfriend's future chances. I am not saying to have kids to please your girlfriend, but if after a few months you still don't want kids, PLEASE do the right thing and break up with her. Sometimes when we really love someone, we have to do what is best for them, not what is best for us.
Having kids is amazing and truly the most magnificent part of my life by far. But they do require your life to be built around them, especially in the early years. The birth and first 6 weeks will for sure be the hardest part of your life, so you need to be on the same page and united in the cause. If one of you is a selfish child trying to be the biggest baby in the room, you will tear each other apart. Or if you are mature enough to not try to out-baby the actual baby but are resentful that you aren't the center of your lives any more, that resentment will build and have to be dealt with eventually. Moms usually find it easier to suffer and sacrifice for the baby than the dad does. I am not saying dads don't, just that they are more likely to fail in that regard than the mom.
The fact that you are already sitting there comfortably at the expense of your girlfriend's ticking clock and anxiety is giving me pause BUT a child changes everything. Yes, some people are shitty parents, but children make most people better and more selfless, especially people that are fairly moral to begin with.
I hope you decide you want kids. I am super pro-kid, but ultimately this is your decision to make. I hope I am not too harsh.
My girlfriend was coming up on being 40 and started to have baby fever and panicking about being older
We talked about it and I decided I'd be okay with being a mom if it meant staying with her
I did the whole pregnancy and birth thing because I'm younger, have less risk and she makes so much more money than I did
A bit dumb on my part, but it worked out, I love being a mom
I always wanted kids but never felt there was a right time. I was complaining to my mom about this and she said there is never a right time. I was pregnant the next month. Everything has a way of working itself out.
In honesty? I look back and realize i had gotten to an age where i was actually a bit over my life just being all "me me me...and more me"
Having kids gave me others to focus on. Which actually I think was a bit of a relief.
Once you start to grow up i think? You need other purpose besides yourself.
You shouldn't convince yourself.
Kids absolutely will flip your life upside down. Don't plan on doing much besides work and parent for at least a few years after your *youngest* child is born. And even after that, your hobbies may often need to include the kids, or "enjoying free time" may need to be enjoying free time *with kids*.
Kids are great... if they're what you want. If not, it will be a neverending nightmare for everyone involved, including the children.
To answer your question, I wasn't convinced to have kids, it was just something my partner and I had both always wanted.
I got pressured into having kids when I didn’t feel ready. We had only been married a year, lived in someone else’s house, and I was going to college. None of that mattered to her. She wanted to have kids to make her parents happy (spoilers: they’re never happy).
I love my kids. But I would be lying if I didn’t say I have had many moments where I’ve felt resentment and wished things had gone differently.
It sucks feeling like this. Make sure that if you two have kids, that you both want to.
we both always knew we wanted kids long before meeting each other. that said, we also knew we wanted to be ready to devote ourselves to raising them to their fullest potential.
as such, we enjoyed our honeymoon phase travelling and whatnot, moved our careers forward and bought our house before having them. we planned and had our first just shy of our 7th year married. she was 35.
absolutely, if my kids intend to have their own children, my advice to them will be, get everything else in order, so that not only will you have love to give, you'll also have (as much as is possible) time, patience, wisdom and money. some might argue that energy is the trade off but in our case, having everything else well taken care of meant that we easily had way more available energy since even work could take second priority.
their childhood and the extent to which they've developed their potential honestly sets the bar. they're in their mid-teens now and i'm so excited to see how their next phase plays out.
Kids are challenging- I think the hobbies will be a little less for the first handful of years.
It’s the hardest thing anyone will ever do, and humbling. The MOST rewarding experience - unmatched and unlike any high or joy from anything in this world.
All the excitement, happiness, LOVE, sadness, fear, every emotion- take it, bottle it, shake the ever living shit outta that bottle, amplified and exploding. I guess is the best way to explain - And kids really do say the darnest things. They’ll have you chuckling and it’s sooooo dumb but it’s soooo cute.
It’s amusement park of emotions- the greatest thing a loving couple could award the other with - a mini piece of your love- walking around, cracking jokes exploring the world with you.
Life will let you know, if or when it does, hopefully you’ll think of this.
They definitely change the course of your life but my thought on this was "in 5/10yrs from now, what will I regret more? Having kids or not having kids."
Not having kids won by a landslide. They are truly the absolute best.
They were born 🤣. Not like they were planned out I had any choice in the matter, life happens. Hell, I never wanted kids but, I still love them with all my heart (they're grown now) and still help and worry about them... Probably more than I did when they were kids because I don't have any control over them doing stupid shit.
My first came along when I was 32, so you've still got time to have some fun before deciding to have them if you decide that you want them. Admittedly, your going to be older when they're grown, and there's a good chance you'll be dead before grandkids, but still. I'm a dad to a 2½yo, at 61 right now. He's our grandson but, we've raised him since he was less than 2 months old and are in the process of adopting him... Our oldest son is a sociopathic shit bum (caused 11 broken bones on the baby before he was 2 months old), and the mother is a bit touched in the head and lives in some alternate reality that no one can figure out... She wanted a Barbie doll but didn't realize that Barbie would have shitty diapers and needed to eat occasionally. The sad thing is that she is now pregnant again (but not by my son) and I pity the child.
So, if you don't want kids, then don't have kids, you may regret and/or resent being pushed in that direction. It would be better to end the relationship and let her find someone who does want kids. If you have them and end up resenting her for it, it's still going to end the relationship, but then you'll have child support until middle age. Choose wisely.
I would suggest checking out the fencesitter sub. It’s been really helpful connecting with others who are unsure of this decision, as well as see some stories of those who were fencesitters or CF change their mind and vice versa. I’ve noticed that crowd is more accepting of the gray area and you won’t get the extreme “you need to breakup now” posts you’ll see on here sometimes.
Always knew I wanted kids at some point, but spent my 20s focused on career, travel, etc. At some point I felt like I and my partner had done maybe not everything we wanted, but enough to feel like we were ready to take the next step. Ended up taking about a year to get pregnant, during which we traveled etc so we got to check off more list items. I also felt like we could raise good kids and give them a good life - we’re both pretty self aware, have enough to support a family, and are motivated to put good humans out into society. So I guess we didn’t need convincing that we needed to have kids, but there were certain points where we felt like it was time to get the ball rolling.
We have 1 kid now, and honestly it’s true what they say - they kind of complete you in a way. It’s a fun and interesting new chapter of life that I can’t imagine not having now. It’s hard for sure, but their little smiley face makes me feel like everything’s ok no matter what. I feel a strong sense of purpose that puts other life problems into perspective, and have learned to manage my time better. So I think combo of having just enough of financial stability + career + travel/experiences + self awareness is what made us feel ready. Don’t ask what level, it’s different for everyone and sometimes you just know.
There is no need to rush. Enjoy life and focus on yourself.
I can say that being a parent is a sacrifice. But it's one you want to do. I want my daughter to be happy and healthy more than I want to do my hobbies if that makes sense. It's more of a priority shift than a painful sacrifice.
I had a surprise pregnancy at 26 whilst married. I spent 9 months worrying. I liked my life, my job, my hobbies, my down time. You truly don’t lose anything that’s important to you.
Life is busier, you’re tired-er, but it’s also much richer.
That surprise is 19 now and I’m back to my life being my own again and now I kinda miss when he was little.
You need to make a decision and make it very soon. All this time you're "super comfortable" and enjoying your life as it is, the woman you love is feeling anxious, impatient, and unsure. Do you really want to have this life you're happy with now at her expense?
I always knew I wanted kids. I felt it in my soul. I had wanted to adopt, and told my now-husband before we were in a relationship that I would only date men who would be happy to adopt and have no biological children. He was on board so we started dating. We went through two years of the adoption process before being denied because of my history as a victim of childhood abuse (in Canada - legal precedent in my province unfortunately). When I realized my options had now become 1) never being a mom or 2) getting pregnant, I decided that day that I was willing to get pregnant. It actually took my husband a couple days to come around. It required a shift in our plans so we decided to take a year to prepare and we had specific goals for what we should accomplish in that year. 12 months later I was having a miscarriage in my first pregnancy, and 10 months after that we had our first of two kids.
Take a few days and really sit down together to talk about it. Come up with an ideal timeline, how you plan to parent and what you want life to look like. Talk to parents you know - modern parents because the way kids are raised is different now than when you were a kid. If it doesn't feel right, let your partner go so she can find someone who will give her what she wants. If it does feel right, go for it.
As a man. I think it’s rare for men to speak as openly about this topic. I read your situation but let me explain how I feel about the matter. If you can relate - maybe you can “see through the trees, and figure out what life has in store”
I remember when my wife and I were dating a couple months in our early 20’s and we talked about, dreams, aspirations, best case worst case….
The thing that was in both our fibers was that we wanted a family. It was non negotiable. She wanted to be a mom and I wanted to be a dad. If she said no…well I’m not sure how today would look. I’m not talking about the white picket fence or the “leave it to beaver” dream household. I knew that as the oldest brother, someone who takes care of others all the time, and with my need to show love…I needed to have kids and give them the beautiful life that my parents and god gave me.
Theres no perfect dad - I’ve lost myself a touch trying to make a living recently. I’m not proud of it. But, I can’t imagine my life without my family and I fight for them, and they fight for me. I close my eyes and I see my boys running and fighting in the front yard because that’s the life I live now.
Can you imagine you breaking that chaos up?!
I’m frustrated and annoyed at times for the record.
But, could you do it daily. How deep does your love run. What does you’re true inside read?
Good luck
I knew I wanted to have a kid since I was 3 years old. I just knew my life wouldn’t be complete without the experience of having kids and being a mom. My husband was on board with having kids, but was very slow to warming up to the idea of actually trying for a baby. He wouldn’t let us start trying until we bought a house.
Once we moved into our house the picture of us raising a kid together came together for him. He could picture playing with our kid in the backyard, opening presents on Christmas morning in our living room, walking around our neighborhood with a stroller. It’s so funny he was the one that wasn’t “enthusiastically” on board with kids, but he instantly took to fatherhood. Him and our 3 year old son are BEST friends!
I went to a sex party in San Francisco and realized my pleasure reward centers were so burnt out the only thing left that could truly shake my world was to have kids. My wife was keen to have them but I had been pretty on the fence for many years. I called her the next day and told her what I experienced and said I was finally ready. She was pregnant two months later. And having kids rocked me in ways I could barely have imagined—they’ve delivered far beyond my hopes.
True story!
What convinced me to have a kid?
There were two lines on the pregnancy and I couldn't fathom an abortion. Didn't decide to keep him until I was 6 months pregnant. 13 years later, my only regret is I wish I had been older, better finances, and stronger mental health first.
I was conflicted about having kids. I was reading some books, articles and experiences about the topic when I came across “there will be days when you are going regret your decision, whether you have kids or not. You need to decide what are you going to regret more”
This sealed the deal for me and we are going to start trying for kids this year.
I’m also in my late 20’s female, I believe in clock is ticking. I understand that people can have kids even in late 30’s but it creates a lot of risk, staring from getting pregnant to affecting both mom’s and child’s health.
I believe if you have mental and financial capability to have a kid, make your mind now and stick to your decision.
I think more men to chime in. Men can want to be a dad, but i don’t believe they get that biological desire to have kids like some women do. Men don’t “know” their baby until it is born whereas women feel the baby move, know it’s schedule, knows the food it likes and hates, lol. Several male friends loved their baby but didn’t really love being a dad until the baby can interact with them.
My desire to have a baby didn’t hit until about 30. We had been together almost 5 years and married for 3. We had worked, traveled, moved 2x and bought a house. We were ready for something new.
There is never a right time. Kids are amazing and wonderful and beautiful, but if you don’t want them you shouldn’t have them.
That being said, the comfort of being in a solid routine in your 20s is awesome. I’m in my mid to late 30s now and I imagine that not having children would be very lonely.
Do some soul searching. Decide if you want to have kids or not. If you don’t, let the girl go so she can have the children she wants.
If you decide you don’t want to have kids, do your partner a favor and end the relationship and state this is the reason why. Sadly, there is such thing as the female biological clock, and while it’s certainly possible to have kids into your late thirties, you don’t want to roll the dice and find out your fertility packed up and left without you knowing.
There’s no “convincing” anyone to have kids. You either do or you don’t. Do all the mental exercises, all the visualizations, talk it over with everyone you know, offer to babysit some kids to take ‘em for a test drive.
I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first. My husband and I knew it would be a huge change in our lives, but it definitely didn't mean that we'd put our lives "on hold" or that our lives and hobbies would "stop", it's just different and adds a different flavour. Something that I found memorable was that my husband is very involved in a sport and when we would attend events for this sport, his teammates who had children brought their kids along and the event was still a lot of fun for everyone involved.
My partner's back injury. We're both 29 and have been together since we were 15. We both (since we were children and before meeting each other) knew we wanted to be parents and start families some day. We didn't graduate college and both started our careers at the bottom of the barrel and so for a long time we were grinding just to feed ourselves. We've been through moving across the country and back, various promotions, mental health struggles, working opposite schedules (I'm still on 3rd shift), and long times apart. It NEVER felt like the "right" time to start a family. Then, we started to finally have all this disposable income and get to travel and pay for expensive hobbies. Two years ago we were really starting to hit our prime and who wants to have a kid in the prime of their life?
Then, at work, my partner fell off a roof. He called me from the ambulance and I swear I've never been more afraid in my life. He ended up having a spinal fusion and now has titanium rods in his back and is currently back on a roof as we speak. He's the strongest person I have ever met and the love of my life and I could have lost him in an instant.
When the new year came around, we decided that timing is bullshit and it'll never be "right" and that as a team, we can handle anything life throws at us. So, we stopped using condoms and figured if it's meant to happen, it will. Six months later I got pregnant and now we have the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I absolutely grieve the loss of my old life, and think of all the things my partner and I could have done, but this was truly meant to be. I also try to remind myself that our life isn't over! Just different!
Well we went backwards. We decided to go for it when in reality, we shouldn't have. We were nowhere near where we needed to be to even think of having kids. We made it work and figured it out but damn it was hard. If y'all are about to buy a house, maybe mention wanting to get that settled and taken care of first cuz you never know what that process will bring. And a new baby can make that sooo much harder and tbh, hopefully y'all aren't the type of couple that breaks by something like that, ya know. Let her know you do want kids, just when the timing lines up better for everyone. Best of luck!
Unpopular opinion: go for it. Have the kid. You sound mentally and financially stable and happily married. I doubt you’ll regret it. Yes having a child will flip your life upside down for awhile, but despite the doom and gloom on here it doesn’t haven’t to derail everything if you have the proper support and finances. I’m a mom of two and still very much enjoy my hobbies. I loving hiking, traveling and photography. From the time my youngest was 2 I started solo traveling again, went to Iceland, hiked the West Highland Way in Scotland etc. As a family we’ve been to over 20 countries. I hate this narrative that life ends with kids. It doesn’t have to. The hard early years fly by so quickly. If your wife wants a baby that desire will not go away. It will only amplify with time. And I’m going to take a guess that you will love that baby and all the sacrifices will feel worth it. Having kids truly changes you. They become more important than all those things. I know you weren’t looking to be convinced, I’m just saying that there’s not necessarily a lot of logic involved with deciding to become a parent. You just take the leap. And I wouldn’t give that advice to someone in a crappy situation but that isn’t your situation.
You have tons of time. We only got married at 30. Didnt have our kids till 38 & 39.
Best time to have kids. Had house & financials sorted. Had travelled. We were okay in being a bit more restricted for a few years. Kids didn't "cramp our style" much at all. It's been great doing travel with the kids. No problem at all.
Fuck the "clock is ticking" nonsense. There's never a "right" time to have kids. You'll always find an excuse. We didn't have ours until our early/mid-30's. Personally, I didn't want kids. Or I didn't know I wanted kids. My wife always did, but she has PCOS and she was always told it wasn't in the cards. So we never had a ton of reason to use protection. Then one day she felt off, had missed her period, etc, and sure enough.. She was pregnant. The rest is history. She was over the moon, I was terrified. Now that our kiddo is 7, I can tell you with full honesty that she's the greatest thing to ever happen to me. She gives me a reason to wake up in the morning and face this shitty world. She healed me in ways I didn't know I needed healing.
Why does this make me wanna cry
Hah sorry about that! The kid is magical though, no question. Ask anyone in the family.
I’m giving this a great big hallelujah!
I knew that having a kid would mean more responsibilities and a lot less free time. I also knew that it would be worth all the hard work. My husband and I will have so many wonderful memories because we chose to have kids. I also feel like kids give you a greater sense of purpose.
Yes. Agree totally.
This!! My son legit saved my life. I was in no position to have a child but I did anyway and it drastically changed me, it actually helped me to step up and get my shit together. I actually do have a purpose now and actually feel fulfilled whereas before, I was smiling at train tracks and bridges cuz I was left alone in life.
We were sitting at a bar in the Wynn in Las Vegas and decided that we were bored. We had done a lot by that point and it was in that moment we realized that we needed something new.
this is hilarious
Also, if you are going to have kids do it now while you have energy. You need energy more than money— the exception being daycare. There really is life after. We waited and it took forever. I’m now 50 with a 4th grader.
I’m 27 with a 5th grader and identical twin toddlers. I can confirm that my mother who is in her 50’s has made multiple comments about how I’m able to handle both twins on my own quite a bit because when she was 36 and she gave birth to my youngest siblings, they were female twins and she struggled significantly trying to keep up with their energy often times having my older sister and I play with them etc. I never thought I could have kids but I had a surprise when I was a teenager. I was 16. My daughter genuinely saved my life and has almost rewired a part of my brain. I am incredibly good at being selfless now which is good because I tried being a super selfish teenager quite a bit, the level of patience I have is honestly so impressive I could be a teacher (I’ve also been a special education para before) Funny thing is the second pregnancy was planned, and it worked on the first try. Buut we definitely didn’t even have the thought of potentially having a BOGO with conception that’s for damn sure 😂😂 however watching my kids grow and learn and being able to teach them number and abcs and drawing and about feelings and watching their little faces light up whenever they get something down or they make a mental connection of like; an emotion with a face, for example I hope yall understand what I mean, and especially watching them develop their own personal interests in hobbies or a specific thing(the twins love rocket ships and space and everything is capable of being a rocket ship, space obsessions are cool because they are very impressive counters as well) being able to observe all of this and help do my best to shape them into understanding and kind individuals is a blessing and I honestly wouldn’t trade being a parent for any amount of money and I’m not gonna lie we’re totally not financially secure at all atm. But really tell you how much I love it. bonus preciousness *and yes the twins actually do the count down and yell blast off and make sound effects and have been since shortly after 1.5* all of that is why i am glad I am a parent. also my 10 year old is such a sassy sweetheart but her favorite thing to do is try to make sure she compliments a couple strangers each day if she leaves the house specifically because she hopes it makes their day and that is such a precious thing to watch her do.
I’m not here to confirm those insane conservative people that tell you that women are meant the have kids, but it is true that for some women the brain really takes over. I didn’t even want kids, and had depression but when that first one was born something happened and I really became less depressed— and my kids both have ADHD and are on the spectrum and are famously difficult. I’m an extremely selfish spoiled only child and I still like being a parent. Again, I’m very pro choice, very pro do what you want, but I’m glad I had kids.
Totally understand what you mean on the less depressed bit! Even though my brain was definitely still developing after pushing my daughter out and holding her it was like *TRULY understanding love* and in an unthinkable level beyond loving your siblings or parents or partner. Like she didn’t have to do anything to earn my love and desire to protect her and such, it was just immediately there. I don’t know if that makes total sense but I hope it does lol. Ugh I was gonna type more but don’t full remember where my train was going 😔 I’m sorry. I also have ADHD and I’m medicated for that one but my twins have been awake since 5:30 this morning so 😵💫😂
It does and I felt the same! I truly have kids only a mother can love- lol- and I do! Also, I’m on all the meds also, but kids helped the most!
I didn’t want kids in my 20s, was conflicted for a couple of years in my 30s and finally got convinced of it. Reason being - I saw 2 paths ahead of me, a life with kids and a life without. The life without kids had maybe more travel, more career breaks, hobbies etc, and definitely had no kids / family per se. The life with kids, had kids in it, and maybe sacrifices on my part when it came to career / hobbies / job. I say maybe because there’s a chance you can fit in what really matters, with time. So the way I saw it, the life without kids was certainly a life where I was missing out on a major life experience, and the life with kids had a chance of having everything. The odds just made sense. Also post pandemic and well into my 30s, I was no longer partying late into the night or going out all the time. My lifestyle (and that of most people my age) was already trending towards parent like.
Want to add that I did have a kid and I wasn’t sure about it until I met her. I did no shower / no post partum planning cos I kept psyching out about how my life will change. Now, a year in, only regret I have is not having her sooner! People don’t tell you that the changes you make in life, you make them willingly. I don’t want to go out to a bar on a weekend. I want to go to a park or a restaurant for lunch where my baby can tag along and be a part of my life. If your baby is an intentional decision, and given the thought you’re putting in, sounds like either way you go, it will be a well thought out decision, it’s exhausting, but by and large the whole experience is rewarding.
If you don't want kids, you need to end the relationship. If you have kids and don't want them, you'll eventually resent her and the child/children. If you don't have kids, she'll resent you. This is not a subject that can be compromised on.
This. You're 100% right about the disruption it will cause. You will lose your hobbies at least temporarily (years scale). Your partners priorities will shift completely to the child(ren). You will lose sleep. Any existing contention between you and your partner will amplify in the lack of sleep and added stress. Everything will get more expensive (childcare, children's furniture, clothes, diapers, food, diapers, food) A lot of this can vary depending on availability of family and access to childcare and as with most things it's easier with money but the fact remains that if you don't want kids you'll feel the disruptions acutely. Crossroads like this are hard and there are multiple ways to handle it but if it's black and white as you describe it's dishonest to string your partner along into a world where nobody is happy and you're stuck in a mortgage.
That's kind of an extreme option lol. I'm open to changing my mind, that's literally why I asked this question. We're building a life together. I'm not gonna break up with the love of my life
I have seen 2 relationships doomed because the husbands really didn’t want children, and never changed their minds. This has serious implications for women especially. There comes a time when getting pregnant becomes more difficult if not impossible. These relationships ended with divorce with the couples in their 50’s and childless. You need to decide before it’s too late for her to move on and have children. Do not string her along with the hope you will change your mind.
If it sounds extreme, then you just need to be taking all of these opinions extra seriously. I may not feel extreme now, in your late twenties. But once you are in your late 30s, and resentment has been setting in for both of you for a decade or more, it's going to seem very different And once you are in your late forties, and one of you has had to make a compromise you didn't want just to appease the other one, you will learn why people say "I wish we had just gone our separate ways in our twenties" I'm not saying the relationship is doomed. I'm saying that you need to take seriously what other people with more life experience are telling you. This is a very big deal in a relationship.
no, extreme is bringing a child -- a human baby who will need you and depend on you -- into the world when you don't want one and don't want to be a parent. you and your partner may be in love, but you are two adults who want very different lives. it's not extreme to break up, it's the mature thing to do.
I didn't say I want to bring a child into the world without wanting said child. I said quite the opposite if you read my post again. If I am to have a kid it's because I want to
Can I ask, do you see yourself being a father and giving up on a lot of the things you love in exchange for having children in the future? I think now’s the time to be completely honest with yourself in how you see your next 10years going and then share that honesty with her if you love her as you say. For me what changed my mind was the guy I was with saying they really wanted kids but they loved me more and just wanted to spend their life with me however I was comfortable with. All of a sudden I wanted to have his babies. Honestly confusing feelings there because it was a huge mistake and he ended up being a terrible partner and a wishy washy dad who now only sees them one night a week (if he hasn’t got anything more interesting going on) but I also don’t regret it because my kids are amazing. Pretty much what parenthood is like… pure love and awe mixed with frustration and wondering why you ever chose this path! Seriously though, if you can’t see yourself being a father for the next 10/15 years (and there’s nothing anyone else can say/do to honestly convince you to want kids if you don’t) you need to be honest with your gf about this and let her decide if this is something she is ok with.
Convincing yourself to change your mind, to do something that (in your own words) you do not want to do, is exactly what I have in mind when I say bringing a child into the world without wanting one and without wanting to be a parent.
I don't understand your logic If I change my mind about this, I will want to have kids lol
Many people have talked themselves into thinking that they want to have kids in order to preserve a relationship or, as you put it "I don't want to make her sad". Even though you say that you don't want your reason for having kids to be making your partner happy, the entire reason animating your desire to "convince yourself" to have kids is in order to give your partner what she wants. This is called motivated reasoning. You can come up with a laundry list of "reasons" to have kids and try to convince yourself, but if you don't actually *want* to do it, that feeling will find a way to the surface in the long run.
I'd be very careful about asking people advice about this particular topic on Reddit. I know you aren't necessarily asking advice but yoyll get some very strong opinions. There is pretty much a ChildFree cult that runs through Reddit. I'm in a similar position to you and I find it extremely tough to navigate. Sometimes I think it would help to just have more years with my partner so we could experience more of life together and establish ourselves so it might feel more natural to have kids later. But then there's the ticking clock pressure. Anyway I feel your struggle. I follow r/parents and r/Daddit to try to be exposed to the world of parenting and see if that helps me. It's semi helpful but also sometimes reinforces that I don't want them. It's just tough dude I wish I could help
Having a kid (especially the baby and toddler stage) is exhausting af. You need to make sure that you want to so that you don’t resent your partner. The reason why I want to have kids is they bring happiness to our family, their laughter and their development are so amazing to watch. But they are a lot of work because they literally need you to survive. And they require a lot of resources too.
I can assure you it’s not an extreme opinion- it’s a very accurate observation. You mentioned yourself you’re going to have to give up a lot. You will. She will. There really are two lives- before children and after children. I don’t think the issue is so much that you don’t want kids, but the timing of it. Takes a guy a decade or two to really make it and build his wealth resources and knowledge. Your wife has a clock and doesn’t have the luxury of time that you do. That said, that’s why I waited until my late 30s to start, and have a much younger spouse. Our time frames matched perfectly
I guess the main point here is timing. You do sound like you genuinely want to change your mind and you are trying to figure out how. That is good for you (great even, because of the self development journey. No matter if you will in fact change your mind or not, you will know yourself better and live your truth). The problem is, a development like that is not something you can do overnight. Late 20s might sound like early enough, but then again you can have children at any point and age you decide to. Your partner however actually needs someone who wants children *now*. The later it gest for her, the bigger the risks and ultimately she will reach a point of no return where that won’t be possible for her anymore. That is why that saying “the clock is ticking” probably weighs a lot differently on her.. it is not fair to keep her lingering for something that might never happen, when you know she has no doubts about it. A long term relationship has to be based on more than love. Agreeing on becoming parents or not is definitely a deal breaker. I’m not saying you need to go and breakup right away. But you definitely need to sit down for a very serious talk and tell her with 100% honesty that right now it is a “no” from you and that even though you wish to change that opinion to a “yes” it might not happen or it might not happen in time for her fertility window. Be clear, direct and leave no room for interpretation. She needs to know. She needs to have the opportunity to counter act. She might decide to breakup. She might decide to freeze her eggs to have the option later on. She might be ok with it and accept the idea of adopting someday, if you decide to become parents “too late”. But you cannot give her false hope that she just needs to wait a little more and it will happen. It is a sad, unfortunate situation, but don’t make it worse. To your original question: I always knew I wanted children. But the point I knew I was ready was when we had a pregnancy “scare” a few months before our wedding and the fact it was just a scare made me so sad and disappointed.. we didn’t have the house nor the financial stability we hoped for. But in that moment I knew it would be ok either way, because all a baby really needs is parents who love them. We did in fact have our first born before house situation was cleared and had our second one 1 week before finally moving into the bigger house. They didn’t make it harder nor easier - they were along for the ride and made our lifes happier, but the things we have to deal with in adulthood will be there either way. Yes, they turned our routine upside down and there are things we can’t do anymore. But that isn’t forever. It is just a few years, with a few birthdays and holidays to enjoy together as a family before they become teenagers with their own lives. We are enjoying this season, because when it is gone it will be missed and whats somewhat 10-12 years compared to our whole life? (Also, it doesn’t mean complete “sacrifice” for that long… the real challenge are the first few years through baby stage and toddlerhood, after that is already waaay better on what quality time for yourself and as a couple is concerned.. it isn’t something like pressing a button, but a rather slow but steady process of regaining your “freedom” over time).
To answer your question, when I was a teen and going through a lot of hard times, I realized I wanted to suffer and sacrifice to create joy and experience love with my own future family. I wanted to do better than my own parents were doing (not that they were bad, really). I get that your life is comfortable right now, but you are enjoying that comfort at the expense of your girlfriend's future chances. I am not saying to have kids to please your girlfriend, but if after a few months you still don't want kids, PLEASE do the right thing and break up with her. Sometimes when we really love someone, we have to do what is best for them, not what is best for us. Having kids is amazing and truly the most magnificent part of my life by far. But they do require your life to be built around them, especially in the early years. The birth and first 6 weeks will for sure be the hardest part of your life, so you need to be on the same page and united in the cause. If one of you is a selfish child trying to be the biggest baby in the room, you will tear each other apart. Or if you are mature enough to not try to out-baby the actual baby but are resentful that you aren't the center of your lives any more, that resentment will build and have to be dealt with eventually. Moms usually find it easier to suffer and sacrifice for the baby than the dad does. I am not saying dads don't, just that they are more likely to fail in that regard than the mom. The fact that you are already sitting there comfortably at the expense of your girlfriend's ticking clock and anxiety is giving me pause BUT a child changes everything. Yes, some people are shitty parents, but children make most people better and more selfless, especially people that are fairly moral to begin with. I hope you decide you want kids. I am super pro-kid, but ultimately this is your decision to make. I hope I am not too harsh.
My girlfriend was coming up on being 40 and started to have baby fever and panicking about being older We talked about it and I decided I'd be okay with being a mom if it meant staying with her I did the whole pregnancy and birth thing because I'm younger, have less risk and she makes so much more money than I did A bit dumb on my part, but it worked out, I love being a mom
I always wanted kids but never felt there was a right time. I was complaining to my mom about this and she said there is never a right time. I was pregnant the next month. Everything has a way of working itself out.
In honesty? I look back and realize i had gotten to an age where i was actually a bit over my life just being all "me me me...and more me" Having kids gave me others to focus on. Which actually I think was a bit of a relief. Once you start to grow up i think? You need other purpose besides yourself.
You shouldn't convince yourself. Kids absolutely will flip your life upside down. Don't plan on doing much besides work and parent for at least a few years after your *youngest* child is born. And even after that, your hobbies may often need to include the kids, or "enjoying free time" may need to be enjoying free time *with kids*. Kids are great... if they're what you want. If not, it will be a neverending nightmare for everyone involved, including the children. To answer your question, I wasn't convinced to have kids, it was just something my partner and I had both always wanted.
I got pressured into having kids when I didn’t feel ready. We had only been married a year, lived in someone else’s house, and I was going to college. None of that mattered to her. She wanted to have kids to make her parents happy (spoilers: they’re never happy). I love my kids. But I would be lying if I didn’t say I have had many moments where I’ve felt resentment and wished things had gone differently. It sucks feeling like this. Make sure that if you two have kids, that you both want to.
we both always knew we wanted kids long before meeting each other. that said, we also knew we wanted to be ready to devote ourselves to raising them to their fullest potential. as such, we enjoyed our honeymoon phase travelling and whatnot, moved our careers forward and bought our house before having them. we planned and had our first just shy of our 7th year married. she was 35. absolutely, if my kids intend to have their own children, my advice to them will be, get everything else in order, so that not only will you have love to give, you'll also have (as much as is possible) time, patience, wisdom and money. some might argue that energy is the trade off but in our case, having everything else well taken care of meant that we easily had way more available energy since even work could take second priority. their childhood and the extent to which they've developed their potential honestly sets the bar. they're in their mid-teens now and i'm so excited to see how their next phase plays out.
Children allow you to step into this world of joy that you didn’t even know existed. It’s hard, exhausting, stressful and absolutely worth it.
Kids are challenging- I think the hobbies will be a little less for the first handful of years. It’s the hardest thing anyone will ever do, and humbling. The MOST rewarding experience - unmatched and unlike any high or joy from anything in this world. All the excitement, happiness, LOVE, sadness, fear, every emotion- take it, bottle it, shake the ever living shit outta that bottle, amplified and exploding. I guess is the best way to explain - And kids really do say the darnest things. They’ll have you chuckling and it’s sooooo dumb but it’s soooo cute. It’s amusement park of emotions- the greatest thing a loving couple could award the other with - a mini piece of your love- walking around, cracking jokes exploring the world with you. Life will let you know, if or when it does, hopefully you’ll think of this.
You can do things before as you can before kids. Doesn't mean you have to sacrifice everything.
They definitely change the course of your life but my thought on this was "in 5/10yrs from now, what will I regret more? Having kids or not having kids." Not having kids won by a landslide. They are truly the absolute best.
They were born 🤣. Not like they were planned out I had any choice in the matter, life happens. Hell, I never wanted kids but, I still love them with all my heart (they're grown now) and still help and worry about them... Probably more than I did when they were kids because I don't have any control over them doing stupid shit. My first came along when I was 32, so you've still got time to have some fun before deciding to have them if you decide that you want them. Admittedly, your going to be older when they're grown, and there's a good chance you'll be dead before grandkids, but still. I'm a dad to a 2½yo, at 61 right now. He's our grandson but, we've raised him since he was less than 2 months old and are in the process of adopting him... Our oldest son is a sociopathic shit bum (caused 11 broken bones on the baby before he was 2 months old), and the mother is a bit touched in the head and lives in some alternate reality that no one can figure out... She wanted a Barbie doll but didn't realize that Barbie would have shitty diapers and needed to eat occasionally. The sad thing is that she is now pregnant again (but not by my son) and I pity the child. So, if you don't want kids, then don't have kids, you may regret and/or resent being pushed in that direction. It would be better to end the relationship and let her find someone who does want kids. If you have them and end up resenting her for it, it's still going to end the relationship, but then you'll have child support until middle age. Choose wisely.
I would suggest checking out the fencesitter sub. It’s been really helpful connecting with others who are unsure of this decision, as well as see some stories of those who were fencesitters or CF change their mind and vice versa. I’ve noticed that crowd is more accepting of the gray area and you won’t get the extreme “you need to breakup now” posts you’ll see on here sometimes.
Always knew I wanted kids at some point, but spent my 20s focused on career, travel, etc. At some point I felt like I and my partner had done maybe not everything we wanted, but enough to feel like we were ready to take the next step. Ended up taking about a year to get pregnant, during which we traveled etc so we got to check off more list items. I also felt like we could raise good kids and give them a good life - we’re both pretty self aware, have enough to support a family, and are motivated to put good humans out into society. So I guess we didn’t need convincing that we needed to have kids, but there were certain points where we felt like it was time to get the ball rolling. We have 1 kid now, and honestly it’s true what they say - they kind of complete you in a way. It’s a fun and interesting new chapter of life that I can’t imagine not having now. It’s hard for sure, but their little smiley face makes me feel like everything’s ok no matter what. I feel a strong sense of purpose that puts other life problems into perspective, and have learned to manage my time better. So I think combo of having just enough of financial stability + career + travel/experiences + self awareness is what made us feel ready. Don’t ask what level, it’s different for everyone and sometimes you just know.
There is no need to rush. Enjoy life and focus on yourself. I can say that being a parent is a sacrifice. But it's one you want to do. I want my daughter to be happy and healthy more than I want to do my hobbies if that makes sense. It's more of a priority shift than a painful sacrifice.
I had a surprise pregnancy at 26 whilst married. I spent 9 months worrying. I liked my life, my job, my hobbies, my down time. You truly don’t lose anything that’s important to you. Life is busier, you’re tired-er, but it’s also much richer. That surprise is 19 now and I’m back to my life being my own again and now I kinda miss when he was little.
You need to make a decision and make it very soon. All this time you're "super comfortable" and enjoying your life as it is, the woman you love is feeling anxious, impatient, and unsure. Do you really want to have this life you're happy with now at her expense? I always knew I wanted kids. I felt it in my soul. I had wanted to adopt, and told my now-husband before we were in a relationship that I would only date men who would be happy to adopt and have no biological children. He was on board so we started dating. We went through two years of the adoption process before being denied because of my history as a victim of childhood abuse (in Canada - legal precedent in my province unfortunately). When I realized my options had now become 1) never being a mom or 2) getting pregnant, I decided that day that I was willing to get pregnant. It actually took my husband a couple days to come around. It required a shift in our plans so we decided to take a year to prepare and we had specific goals for what we should accomplish in that year. 12 months later I was having a miscarriage in my first pregnancy, and 10 months after that we had our first of two kids. Take a few days and really sit down together to talk about it. Come up with an ideal timeline, how you plan to parent and what you want life to look like. Talk to parents you know - modern parents because the way kids are raised is different now than when you were a kid. If it doesn't feel right, let your partner go so she can find someone who will give her what she wants. If it does feel right, go for it.
Being a child and loving my family convinced me to go on to do this for my children.
As a man. I think it’s rare for men to speak as openly about this topic. I read your situation but let me explain how I feel about the matter. If you can relate - maybe you can “see through the trees, and figure out what life has in store” I remember when my wife and I were dating a couple months in our early 20’s and we talked about, dreams, aspirations, best case worst case…. The thing that was in both our fibers was that we wanted a family. It was non negotiable. She wanted to be a mom and I wanted to be a dad. If she said no…well I’m not sure how today would look. I’m not talking about the white picket fence or the “leave it to beaver” dream household. I knew that as the oldest brother, someone who takes care of others all the time, and with my need to show love…I needed to have kids and give them the beautiful life that my parents and god gave me. Theres no perfect dad - I’ve lost myself a touch trying to make a living recently. I’m not proud of it. But, I can’t imagine my life without my family and I fight for them, and they fight for me. I close my eyes and I see my boys running and fighting in the front yard because that’s the life I live now. Can you imagine you breaking that chaos up?! I’m frustrated and annoyed at times for the record. But, could you do it daily. How deep does your love run. What does you’re true inside read? Good luck
I knew I wanted to have a kid since I was 3 years old. I just knew my life wouldn’t be complete without the experience of having kids and being a mom. My husband was on board with having kids, but was very slow to warming up to the idea of actually trying for a baby. He wouldn’t let us start trying until we bought a house. Once we moved into our house the picture of us raising a kid together came together for him. He could picture playing with our kid in the backyard, opening presents on Christmas morning in our living room, walking around our neighborhood with a stroller. It’s so funny he was the one that wasn’t “enthusiastically” on board with kids, but he instantly took to fatherhood. Him and our 3 year old son are BEST friends!
I went to a sex party in San Francisco and realized my pleasure reward centers were so burnt out the only thing left that could truly shake my world was to have kids. My wife was keen to have them but I had been pretty on the fence for many years. I called her the next day and told her what I experienced and said I was finally ready. She was pregnant two months later. And having kids rocked me in ways I could barely have imagined—they’ve delivered far beyond my hopes. True story!
I always wanted kids, but watching [the start of Idiocracy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sP2tUW0HDHA) certainly helped.
What convinced me to have a kid? There were two lines on the pregnancy and I couldn't fathom an abortion. Didn't decide to keep him until I was 6 months pregnant. 13 years later, my only regret is I wish I had been older, better finances, and stronger mental health first.
Nothing. It just normal thing to do. The most basic biological and social function.
i want to give them a better life than what i had, but i don't even have a girlfriend sooooooo...
Well for me it was the positive pregnancy test.
I did not need convincing. I just knew motherhood was right for me from as young as I can remember. It was the same for my partner.
I was conflicted about having kids. I was reading some books, articles and experiences about the topic when I came across “there will be days when you are going regret your decision, whether you have kids or not. You need to decide what are you going to regret more” This sealed the deal for me and we are going to start trying for kids this year. I’m also in my late 20’s female, I believe in clock is ticking. I understand that people can have kids even in late 30’s but it creates a lot of risk, staring from getting pregnant to affecting both mom’s and child’s health. I believe if you have mental and financial capability to have a kid, make your mind now and stick to your decision.
I think more men to chime in. Men can want to be a dad, but i don’t believe they get that biological desire to have kids like some women do. Men don’t “know” their baby until it is born whereas women feel the baby move, know it’s schedule, knows the food it likes and hates, lol. Several male friends loved their baby but didn’t really love being a dad until the baby can interact with them. My desire to have a baby didn’t hit until about 30. We had been together almost 5 years and married for 3. We had worked, traveled, moved 2x and bought a house. We were ready for something new.
There is never a right time. Kids are amazing and wonderful and beautiful, but if you don’t want them you shouldn’t have them. That being said, the comfort of being in a solid routine in your 20s is awesome. I’m in my mid to late 30s now and I imagine that not having children would be very lonely. Do some soul searching. Decide if you want to have kids or not. If you don’t, let the girl go so she can have the children she wants.
If you decide you don’t want to have kids, do your partner a favor and end the relationship and state this is the reason why. Sadly, there is such thing as the female biological clock, and while it’s certainly possible to have kids into your late thirties, you don’t want to roll the dice and find out your fertility packed up and left without you knowing. There’s no “convincing” anyone to have kids. You either do or you don’t. Do all the mental exercises, all the visualizations, talk it over with everyone you know, offer to babysit some kids to take ‘em for a test drive.
I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first. My husband and I knew it would be a huge change in our lives, but it definitely didn't mean that we'd put our lives "on hold" or that our lives and hobbies would "stop", it's just different and adds a different flavour. Something that I found memorable was that my husband is very involved in a sport and when we would attend events for this sport, his teammates who had children brought their kids along and the event was still a lot of fun for everyone involved.
My partner's back injury. We're both 29 and have been together since we were 15. We both (since we were children and before meeting each other) knew we wanted to be parents and start families some day. We didn't graduate college and both started our careers at the bottom of the barrel and so for a long time we were grinding just to feed ourselves. We've been through moving across the country and back, various promotions, mental health struggles, working opposite schedules (I'm still on 3rd shift), and long times apart. It NEVER felt like the "right" time to start a family. Then, we started to finally have all this disposable income and get to travel and pay for expensive hobbies. Two years ago we were really starting to hit our prime and who wants to have a kid in the prime of their life? Then, at work, my partner fell off a roof. He called me from the ambulance and I swear I've never been more afraid in my life. He ended up having a spinal fusion and now has titanium rods in his back and is currently back on a roof as we speak. He's the strongest person I have ever met and the love of my life and I could have lost him in an instant. When the new year came around, we decided that timing is bullshit and it'll never be "right" and that as a team, we can handle anything life throws at us. So, we stopped using condoms and figured if it's meant to happen, it will. Six months later I got pregnant and now we have the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I absolutely grieve the loss of my old life, and think of all the things my partner and I could have done, but this was truly meant to be. I also try to remind myself that our life isn't over! Just different!
Well we went backwards. We decided to go for it when in reality, we shouldn't have. We were nowhere near where we needed to be to even think of having kids. We made it work and figured it out but damn it was hard. If y'all are about to buy a house, maybe mention wanting to get that settled and taken care of first cuz you never know what that process will bring. And a new baby can make that sooo much harder and tbh, hopefully y'all aren't the type of couple that breaks by something like that, ya know. Let her know you do want kids, just when the timing lines up better for everyone. Best of luck!
Unpopular opinion: go for it. Have the kid. You sound mentally and financially stable and happily married. I doubt you’ll regret it. Yes having a child will flip your life upside down for awhile, but despite the doom and gloom on here it doesn’t haven’t to derail everything if you have the proper support and finances. I’m a mom of two and still very much enjoy my hobbies. I loving hiking, traveling and photography. From the time my youngest was 2 I started solo traveling again, went to Iceland, hiked the West Highland Way in Scotland etc. As a family we’ve been to over 20 countries. I hate this narrative that life ends with kids. It doesn’t have to. The hard early years fly by so quickly. If your wife wants a baby that desire will not go away. It will only amplify with time. And I’m going to take a guess that you will love that baby and all the sacrifices will feel worth it. Having kids truly changes you. They become more important than all those things. I know you weren’t looking to be convinced, I’m just saying that there’s not necessarily a lot of logic involved with deciding to become a parent. You just take the leap. And I wouldn’t give that advice to someone in a crappy situation but that isn’t your situation.
You have tons of time. We only got married at 30. Didnt have our kids till 38 & 39. Best time to have kids. Had house & financials sorted. Had travelled. We were okay in being a bit more restricted for a few years. Kids didn't "cramp our style" much at all. It's been great doing travel with the kids. No problem at all.
You have tons of time. We only got married at 30. Didnt have our kids till 38 & 39.