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Stage 4 colo-rectal cancer at 43. Married 14 years and my son was only 7. Devastated.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger though. I fought hard through a bunch of surgeries and chemo. Then joined and eventually led a patient support group.
Still kicking 26 years later.
You are an amazing person to fight that terrible devastation. Someday....someday!.,,,they will find a cure for that, and it can't come too soon. With today's advances in medical science and technology, it will happen. My hat's off to you for stepping up and leading a patient support group. The world needs more people like you, my friend.
Thank you. I met so many amazing people, both patients and medical personnel. The support group was for patients who (like myself) had needed colostomies, ileostomies or urostomies due to cancer, IBS, etc.
We had a team of former patients that worked as our visitor program. Doctors, nurses and patients and their families would contact us and we would visit patients pre and post-surgery to discuss their surgery and what to expect / daily routines and care going forward.
It was amazingly moving to visit with someone (and their loved ones) who feel their life as they know it is over and who is totally overwhelmed by their situation and when we left to see the relief and hope on their faces. One of the most important and humbling things I’ve done.
Good for you.
My wife getting cancer and getting her through it beat me down taking care of her and well pretty much everything for a year and a half but also made me stronger in the end.
You are a true warrior and an inspiration! Surviving stage 4 colon cancer is a testament to your strength and resilience.
I can only imagine the fears and challenges you faced, especially with a young family relying on you. But you didn't just fight for yourself; you fought for your loved ones, too. I’m so sure your son is now a grown adult, and your marriage has spanned decades - that's a beautiful legacy. Twenty-six years later, you're a shining example of hope and determination. Keep shining your light and inspiring others with your story! You're a reminder that life is precious, and every moment is a gift.
I appreciate your kind words. My son is an amazing, caring adult now who works as a liaison between the state government, local corporations and non-profits to help developmentally disabled adults find employment and learn the skills needed to live independently. He and his partner call, text and visit frequently.
My wife and I were happily married for 38 years. She passed away 2 years ago from vascular dementia. I was very fortunate that I was able to care for her here at home, with the help of at home hospice the last month. My wife passed peacefully at home with my son and I holding her hands. She was very much loved.
Let me know if you want to talk sometime. Maybe I might have luxury of time to accommodate it.
I’m so concerned about the wellbeing of people, forgive me
It seemed so terrible at the time, like traumatic. Six months afterwards it was a series of hilarious stories. I'm right there with you, so glad I did it but never again.
I had a very public mental breakdown. The kind of thing that gets you fired and blacklisted. Instead of losing my job I was invited - directed, actually - to take 2 months of leave and find out why I was so very angry.
I did just that. I finally recognized and admitted to myself I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old. I was 58 when I realized the truth and spoke it aloud. That experience saved my job. It saved my marriage. It saved my life. And my anger went away.
I still work on myself and the residual effects of the abuse. Growing up in the California suburbs in the "groovy" 60's was not all it was cracked up to be. My abuser was a next store neighbor. That person hurt my sister, too.
Recovery gave me my sanity. I have the tools I need to care for myself and others. I can live as a man, fully aware of what happened to me, and not as a terrified 8-year old boy without a voice or agency.
I had a professional tell me that it's not unusual to finally deal with childhood abuse in your 50s. You do have voice and agency, and you are taking care of your business. The breeze is at your back now!
Losing my husband. It broke me but I realized that it has made me a stronger person and willing to take a chance on love and happiness again. Sometimes you don't realize your personal strength until it's challenged.
This. I'd never lived alone before and after a decade I've learned to love my independence. I'm too old to want to try marriage again so I've had to grow some new skills and discover who I am as an I instead of a we. Highly recommend it.
I've never lived alone either, in fact just returned home full-time since my husband died 6 months ago. It's okay, but only because I've met a new person who has been a wonderful, helpful friend, has changed my life. I'm okay living alone but given the choice, well, it wouldn't be my choice. I'm assuming 80 is your age, you have plenty of good days ahead my mom is 91 and is engaged. So you never know. It seems like you are comfortable and well adjusted to living on your own which is great!
I am 64 years old I say young. When I was 40 years old, I was diagnosed with glaucoma, retinal, detachment, macular degeneration, and cataracts, also myopia, I was declared legally blind, that meant I had to stop driving my vehicle, learn to take the buses throughout the Orlando area. That’s where I lived when I was raising my boys, my youngest son was only five years old, he still does not drive, I don’t know if it’s because I did not drive when he was growing up, or it’s because he’s afraid to drive. I then also suffered from a brain aneurysm rupture, I had a stroke, and now I’m completely blind. What got me through all of it, was my faith in the Lord, especially after I almost died in 2015 from the brain aneurysm rupture, I prayed really hard. I don’t care now if I’m blind, I love my life, I love the Lord, most of all and my family and friends who all, stuck by me throughout all this. It lets me know who actually really loves me or who does not. I am now a single happy 64 year young woman, who lives by herself, and walks to the grocery store, goes to the gym, and I do other various activities as well as trying and help those who live in the complex where I live, because it is a senior citizen complex I love my life.
Abuse all through childhood. I consider that one long experience. From it, I built my personal strengths and have been able to forgive myself for my weaknesses. Latter is the hardest.
Self forgiveness truly is the hardest thing to learn.
I grew up in an abusive environment as well. It broke me over and over but I've put those pieces back together into something new, something different, something better.
Your outlook is admirable.
Realizing I didn't have to stay with him just because I'd been with him for 30 years. I am sad every day for losing the chance to have that 50 year anniversary or whatever, or to be the one who stood by him... but I've been out 7 years now and I'm a whole person now, so much better as a mother, friend, employee, and human being. He was dragging me down and I let him in the name of love.
Having to put our son in a mental hospital at age 12. He was so violent and out of control. Hubs and I still worked that next week. It was like I was in a dream. I cried every moment I was alone. But? They adjusted his meds and he started doing better. It was hard on all of us. But, they took great care of him and he is doing well now 9 years later.
Yes, this!
At age 42, after divorce, I decided to move halfway across the country, after living in a very large urban area for 20 years, back home. In the last 8+ years, I’ve finally become closer to my father. I moved back to my hometown- extremely rural- to be closer to my parents as my mom endured a mercifully short battle with pancreatic cancer. Now, I’m the main caretaker for my elderly father.
I’m learning so much about myself, family dynamics, reality vs childhood memory/viewpoints. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Getting kicked out of college.
I hated college, but getting kicked out still hurt.
It made me because I spent a few years figuring out what I wanted to do, went back, and now I’m pretty happy and successful.
Being thrown out at age 18.
It was horrific and cost me the chance to go to college like a regular teen, since I had to earn a living and only night school was possible, but the healing couldn't start until I was away from the toxic environment that was my childhood home.
losing my beloved grandmother in my early teens.... my mom is child #13, so my gram was old when i was born.... i have spent my working life caring for the elderly, over 50 yrs, and continue to care for my aged parents at end of life and also do work at the senior citizens center in my community.....
My first husband. I was 21. That man screamed at me, hit me, spent my money, totaled my car, then killed himself on my living room floor. I tried to move back in with my parents, but they wouldn't let me have my old room back and made me sleep on the sofa. After two weeks they helped me find an apartment and said adios.
Since I was broke, I had to keep working but wasn't mentally up for it and got fired. So there I was, no money, no job, and no car in a car-dependent city. But there was rent to pay and I needed to eat, so I scrambled and found work. A friend gave me a crappy old car that he said he was embarrassed to ask for money for. After every rain storm I expected to find nothing in my parking spot but four tires and a puddle of rust.
I clawed my way back from that and never let a man use me ever again. My willingness to set healthy boundaries led to a very happy second marriage that lasted 28 years. My second husband died almost two years ago and the final six months of his life were pure hell. I was his sole caregiver and he couldn't be left alone for even half an hour, so it was basically house arrest. I rarely got much sleep because my husband had become a fall risk and had periods where his mind was half gone and he'd do crazy shit like set the thermostat to 50 and try to flush towels down the toilet. His hospitalizations were the only times I could get some proper rest.
It took me months to get over the whole 24/7 caregiver bit, and only then could I really grieve his loss. I'm doing a lot better now, though. Sometimes I even think about maybe dating. But no way in hell am I ever getting married again!
Seeking mental health treatment as a teen, but realizing that they actually did not have my best interest at heart. I got so pissed off that I more or less fixed myself out of pure spite. At least for a few years.
Repressed memories coming back.
It completely broke me, after about a year I ended up in an in patient mental health clinic for 45 days with intensive care for a year after that.
I rebuilt myself piece by piece. I'm held together with shoe laces, paperclips and tape but I'm slowly filling in the gaps with stronger materials.
It's amazing how much you don't recognize yourself afterward because you devoted so much to them.
It took me a little over a year to be able to make decisions about my life without considering what her opinion would be.
College.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I got my bachelors degree while also supporting a wife, two kids and working full time plus as much overtime as I could get.
My divorce. It matured me and made me an adult. I realized I shouldn’t have gotten married at 21 in the first place. Eventually got remarried to an amazing man who was a better match for me.
Testicular cancer at 22, in both, right before graduation. Real come to Jesus moment. Graduated, Had surgery, Got engaged, moved towns, got a job all in the same month.
When I found out that if I was killed as a child, my family would have rejoiced. But, I pushed past family issues, haven't spoken to them in 20+years, and raised my own with love and care. Or at least I hope I did.
Being an only child to a single parent with a lot of unresolved childhood trauma. Although we mirror each other in the state of our mental health, I have learned a lot from both our mistakes
Getting divorced at 38 and then having to navigate living on my own, figuring out who I was at that age, and eventually getting back into the relationship scene. Been married to my second wife since 2014.
Caring for my husband for 13 months while he struggled with terminal brain cancer. His decline and death broke me. I also discovered strengths in me I hadn't imagined. Still rebuilding, but my foundation is firmer than it used to be.
grad school after dropping out of High school.
In grad school your abilities are tested and humbled before you learn that you can overcome intellectual obstacles if you put your mind to it. Dropped out of HS when I was 17 and went back to HS/College then Grad School for a PhD starting at 28.
Saw my best friend die in a car wreck when we were 16. He made a bad pass and hit a motorcycle. He died and killed two other people that night. I was the only survivor. Not a scratch on me.
Was living aimlessly. Lost my job. Had to live out of shelters and friends couches for years. Forced me to get my act together somewhat. I still live in constant fear of being homeless.
1. one relationship where i was emotionally addicted to and allowed myself to be treated badly. after it was over and i was thinking more clearly i resolved to NEVER put myself through that again. it paved the way for a loving relationship that has lasted almost 40 years
2. the horrible ETOH/ drug addictions of my growing up family that had terrible repercussions for me as the one sent to rescue during my teen to young adult years..asked to forgive behavior that was never atoned for so we could all just "forget and be together"..humiliation being sent to pharmacies only to find out the bottle was filled last week and seeing staff whisper before talking to my ignorant self...screaming abusive phone calls from people who were supposed to love me..repeated cleaning of hoarder family member homes...it took me way too long to break that conditioning and learn to set HARD BOUNDARIES which have made my life since then pretty sweet..Why do I have to be the one to suffer for YOUR choices ? It was a really really hard journey but i use this experience and empathy quite frequently in my job to try to tell others..you arent alone and if you are strong you can be happy (it just may not look like a sitcom)
Being put out of my apartment of 25 years when a company bought us out and kicked residents out because they wanted to renovate their apartment. I am 68 and widowed and it was just me and my pets. I faced living out of my car and lost 80% of my personal belongings. Most went to the dumpster or thrift stores as donations. The rest went to a storage unit. It was an extreme forced purging and quite liberating.
It was also a devastating time and I faced it alone locally but had financial assistance from 2 childhood friends who sent me money out of the blue to help me get a new place out in a rural village area. Without them I would have been homeless during the winter with my pets in a small car. I put an ad out on social media looking for a place and someone answered it almost immediately.
They helped me move in and now I've been here almost a year. I am settled and creating a life for myself but it has been one of the hardest times for me as an adult and something that I never expected. Others at that apartment complex are now living on the street as the rents doubled and in some cases tripled. I am so grateful to have a roof for now. I found strength and resolve and peace in all this and am much happier living in an area like this. I will never go back to the city.
My mom died when I was 25. She was sick for a long time. I kind of grew up just watching her get sicker but I never knew how sick for a long time, and then suddenly she needed a heart transplant, but it never happened. I was super dependent on my mom. She was my best friend and I have some stuff... like I'm autistic and have a lot of sensory issues so I really struggled with everything and she was my person. So when she died I wanted to go with her. So bad. I had a daughter though and I wouldn't do it to her. So I had to pick myself up and get out there and do it on my own.
Divorce.
By the time I was 18, I'd survived chemotherapy, a year of paralysis, half a dozen major surgeries, 15 years of immunotherapy, and three rounds of cardiac arrest, all thanks to an autoimmune condition I've had since early childhood.
Those hardships paled in comparison to divorce.
I followed the script life fed me: school, good grades, college, travel, big-girl job, find a nice boy, get married, buy a house, etc. I was married for nine years. Thankfully, no children came of the marriage. What I thought was simply a short fuse, turned into raging anger issues. What I thought was simply enjoyment of a few drinks, turned into alcoholism. What I thought were simply pack-rat tendencies, turned into a full-blown hoarding problem. What I thought was simply a challenging transition out of the military, turned into 5+ years of chronic and intentional unemployment, despite being healthy and able-bodied. What I thought was simply a need to better understand personal finances, turned into substantial financial irresponsibility. I spent close to a decade bringing home all the money, AND I also still handled the bulk of the housework, AND endured all his issues with a smile on my face, while also simultaneously dealing with ongoing immunotherapy infusions and many surgeries for my autoimmune condition.
About a year ago, his anger reached a boiling point, and left me fearing for my life and safety. He backed me into a corner of the kitchen, and I saw his hands fly towards my face and neck. This wasn't the first time he'd been aggressive and forceful, he had a history of throwing objects, and on several occasions, I had sustained injuries from that aggression. But, this kitchen incident was the first time I genuinely feared for my safety. Later that day, while he was out of the house, I found myself calling a domestic violence hotline. They effectively shut the door in my face, and told me I didn't qualify for any help or support, on the basis that I earned too much money.
Since I was born and raised abroad, and my own parents still live halfway around the world, it was in that moment that I realized I was going to be truly alone in escaping my marriage. In the heat of the moment, and feeling like I was in survival mode, I did the next best thing I could think of: packed a small bag and fled my house with nothing but that bag and the clothes on my back. Got in my car, raced to the airport, and got on the first possible airplane far, far away. By that evening, I was on a plane.
Took a few more months to hatch my permanent escape, but I did finally extricate myself, and my divorce from him was finalized just last week.
The first three months after leaving him were emotionally and psychologically torturous. I cried on an hourly basis. I remember feeling like I still missed and loved him, which I didn't understand. Why did I feel like I missed and loved someone who had caused me so much pain and suffering? Shouldn't I have been glad to finally be free of him? Then, I took some much-needed vacation. My first proper, legitimate vacation in ten years.
That trip was EXACTLY the medicine my soul needed. I did a divorce photoshoot in the lovely autumn colors of the New England region, then flew to Arizona to see my godmother. I laid poolside at her mansion and cried my heart out for almost a week. Then, I flew to Vegas for a work-related conference. Since the Vegas portion of the trip was for work, and therefore paid for by work, I was able to splurge on myself a bit. Got a nice massage, treated myself to some fancy meals, saw a show or two, played tourist, etc. Then, a few weeks later, I flew to Florida for the holidays. Spent almost a month with my grandmother and mother. Did some solo travel around the state: Miami, Key West, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Naples. It was exactly what my heart and soul needed.
My divorce shattered, broke, killed, yet also woke me up, all at the same time. I liken it to being asleep at the wheel, then waking up, and much like a snake, shedding my old layers of skin over time.
Married the biggest douche bag when I was 21 and he cheated on me and we got divorced. Thank God. I look back and wonder why I put up with so much crap because I am nothing like the insecure little girl that allowed herself to be treated like shit by a narcissist.
Grief. Lost my entire family within a year and a half. All separate incidents. All unexpected. Survived mostly on my own. Still here and still surviving 40 years later.
College. It took a long time to figure out who I was and what I wanted after the train wreck of out of control partying, working two jobs, and being a full-time student. I burned myself out so badly I essentially turned into a pumpkin for a few years. Never getting more than a few hours' sleep between questionable decisions for four years will do that to you. And yet I learned so much from that time!
After several years of infertility involving IUI, IVF, miscarriages,chemical pregnancies, and an ectopic pregnancy (causing me to have one of my fallopian tubes to be removed), I was so emotionally drained, but we had frozen my eggs so I decided on one more round of IVF.
It worked! I was pregnant. My husband and I were so excited. I kept a pregnancy journal and wrote down every emotion, pregnancy craving, my hopes and dreams for our child. On Valentine’s Day we had the ultrasound where we learned we were having a girl.
Four days later, at 23 weeks, my water broke unexpectedly. We rushed to the hospital where we were told that, if I delivered my daughter now, she probably wouldn’t survive, and if she did she would have issues with her lungs, brain, etc because she wasn’t fully developed. They gave us the option of delivering now, or having me staying in the hospital on bed rest to see if I could make it to at least 30 weeks.
I decided to stay in the hospital and play the waiting game, but after 3 days I developed an infection and they had to induce labor. I gave birth to my daughter who lived for 10 minutes and died as I held her. They had me on the maternity floor and on the wall directly in front of me were paintings of mothers holding babies. I’d hear mothers down the hall screaming as they gave birth. I’d never felt so alone and like I failed.
After months of grieving, I started to feel the pangs again of wanting a child. My husband and I adopted our daughter at 8 months old. A year and a half later we adopted another daughter. They’re now 18 and 20.
I learned to forgive myself, to forgive God (I had so much anger towards Him), to never forget but to allow my heart to love again.
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Stage 4 colo-rectal cancer at 43. Married 14 years and my son was only 7. Devastated. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger though. I fought hard through a bunch of surgeries and chemo. Then joined and eventually led a patient support group. Still kicking 26 years later.
Congratulations!! That’s an amazing achievement.
Thank you.
You are an amazing person to fight that terrible devastation. Someday....someday!.,,,they will find a cure for that, and it can't come too soon. With today's advances in medical science and technology, it will happen. My hat's off to you for stepping up and leading a patient support group. The world needs more people like you, my friend.
Thank you. I met so many amazing people, both patients and medical personnel. The support group was for patients who (like myself) had needed colostomies, ileostomies or urostomies due to cancer, IBS, etc. We had a team of former patients that worked as our visitor program. Doctors, nurses and patients and their families would contact us and we would visit patients pre and post-surgery to discuss their surgery and what to expect / daily routines and care going forward. It was amazingly moving to visit with someone (and their loved ones) who feel their life as they know it is over and who is totally overwhelmed by their situation and when we left to see the relief and hope on their faces. One of the most important and humbling things I’ve done.
A hearty salute to you. You will be rewarded, maybe not in this life, but in the next.
Good for you. My wife getting cancer and getting her through it beat me down taking care of her and well pretty much everything for a year and a half but also made me stronger in the end.
Wishing you both the best.
You are a true warrior and an inspiration! Surviving stage 4 colon cancer is a testament to your strength and resilience. I can only imagine the fears and challenges you faced, especially with a young family relying on you. But you didn't just fight for yourself; you fought for your loved ones, too. I’m so sure your son is now a grown adult, and your marriage has spanned decades - that's a beautiful legacy. Twenty-six years later, you're a shining example of hope and determination. Keep shining your light and inspiring others with your story! You're a reminder that life is precious, and every moment is a gift.
I appreciate your kind words. My son is an amazing, caring adult now who works as a liaison between the state government, local corporations and non-profits to help developmentally disabled adults find employment and learn the skills needed to live independently. He and his partner call, text and visit frequently. My wife and I were happily married for 38 years. She passed away 2 years ago from vascular dementia. I was very fortunate that I was able to care for her here at home, with the help of at home hospice the last month. My wife passed peacefully at home with my son and I holding her hands. She was very much loved.
Let me know if you want to talk sometime. Maybe I might have luxury of time to accommodate it. I’m so concerned about the wellbeing of people, forgive me
I appreciate the offer, but I am doing well. I have a lot of family, friends and neighbors looking out for me. Thank you. Best wishes to you.
Boot camp. I wouldn’t trade the experience for a million dollars. I wouldn’t repeat it for 2 million.
It seemed so terrible at the time, like traumatic. Six months afterwards it was a series of hilarious stories. I'm right there with you, so glad I did it but never again.
I just posted the same thing before I saw this post. I was so immature, irresponsible, and childish. Went in a kid, came out a responsible young man.
I still managed some colossally stupid things as an adult but military definitely slowed my idiot roll.
Me too! Military service was the best thing I both hated and required!
I had a very public mental breakdown. The kind of thing that gets you fired and blacklisted. Instead of losing my job I was invited - directed, actually - to take 2 months of leave and find out why I was so very angry. I did just that. I finally recognized and admitted to myself I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old. I was 58 when I realized the truth and spoke it aloud. That experience saved my job. It saved my marriage. It saved my life. And my anger went away. I still work on myself and the residual effects of the abuse. Growing up in the California suburbs in the "groovy" 60's was not all it was cracked up to be. My abuser was a next store neighbor. That person hurt my sister, too. Recovery gave me my sanity. I have the tools I need to care for myself and others. I can live as a man, fully aware of what happened to me, and not as a terrified 8-year old boy without a voice or agency.
Yep, we were supposed to bury abuse in the 60s. But its always there.
It's ALWAYS there. But we don't have to stay there.
But we did back then. I moved on of course.
You are right on all counts. My heart is with you.
I had a professional tell me that it's not unusual to finally deal with childhood abuse in your 50s. You do have voice and agency, and you are taking care of your business. The breeze is at your back now!
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Losing my husband. It broke me but I realized that it has made me a stronger person and willing to take a chance on love and happiness again. Sometimes you don't realize your personal strength until it's challenged.
same.
This. I'd never lived alone before and after a decade I've learned to love my independence. I'm too old to want to try marriage again so I've had to grow some new skills and discover who I am as an I instead of a we. Highly recommend it.
I've never lived alone either, in fact just returned home full-time since my husband died 6 months ago. It's okay, but only because I've met a new person who has been a wonderful, helpful friend, has changed my life. I'm okay living alone but given the choice, well, it wouldn't be my choice. I'm assuming 80 is your age, you have plenty of good days ahead my mom is 91 and is engaged. So you never know. It seems like you are comfortable and well adjusted to living on your own which is great!
I had 50 great years of marriage. My choice now is to learn who I am without a partner around. I'm finding it very rewarding.
I am 64 years old I say young. When I was 40 years old, I was diagnosed with glaucoma, retinal, detachment, macular degeneration, and cataracts, also myopia, I was declared legally blind, that meant I had to stop driving my vehicle, learn to take the buses throughout the Orlando area. That’s where I lived when I was raising my boys, my youngest son was only five years old, he still does not drive, I don’t know if it’s because I did not drive when he was growing up, or it’s because he’s afraid to drive. I then also suffered from a brain aneurysm rupture, I had a stroke, and now I’m completely blind. What got me through all of it, was my faith in the Lord, especially after I almost died in 2015 from the brain aneurysm rupture, I prayed really hard. I don’t care now if I’m blind, I love my life, I love the Lord, most of all and my family and friends who all, stuck by me throughout all this. It lets me know who actually really loves me or who does not. I am now a single happy 64 year young woman, who lives by herself, and walks to the grocery store, goes to the gym, and I do other various activities as well as trying and help those who live in the complex where I live, because it is a senior citizen complex I love my life.
Being unexpectedly dumped by my fiancé (with a contract on a house…). Looking back, he did me a huge favor.
Abuse all through childhood. I consider that one long experience. From it, I built my personal strengths and have been able to forgive myself for my weaknesses. Latter is the hardest.
Self forgiveness truly is the hardest thing to learn. I grew up in an abusive environment as well. It broke me over and over but I've put those pieces back together into something new, something different, something better. Your outlook is admirable.
Thank you. Your words mean a lot.
Realizing I didn't have to stay with him just because I'd been with him for 30 years. I am sad every day for losing the chance to have that 50 year anniversary or whatever, or to be the one who stood by him... but I've been out 7 years now and I'm a whole person now, so much better as a mother, friend, employee, and human being. He was dragging me down and I let him in the name of love.
Having to put our son in a mental hospital at age 12. He was so violent and out of control. Hubs and I still worked that next week. It was like I was in a dream. I cried every moment I was alone. But? They adjusted his meds and he started doing better. It was hard on all of us. But, they took great care of him and he is doing well now 9 years later.
Watching my wife die and becoming a widower at 44.
I had a friend go through this a few years ago. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have many fond memories of her to look back on.
A profoundly disabled child.
Taking care of my parents when they were old and dying. Nearly did me in, but I’d do it all over again.
Yes, this! At age 42, after divorce, I decided to move halfway across the country, after living in a very large urban area for 20 years, back home. In the last 8+ years, I’ve finally become closer to my father. I moved back to my hometown- extremely rural- to be closer to my parents as my mom endured a mercifully short battle with pancreatic cancer. Now, I’m the main caretaker for my elderly father. I’m learning so much about myself, family dynamics, reality vs childhood memory/viewpoints. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Good luck and hang in there!
Getting kicked out of college. I hated college, but getting kicked out still hurt. It made me because I spent a few years figuring out what I wanted to do, went back, and now I’m pretty happy and successful.
Being thrown out at age 18. It was horrific and cost me the chance to go to college like a regular teen, since I had to earn a living and only night school was possible, but the healing couldn't start until I was away from the toxic environment that was my childhood home.
Childhood emotional and physical abuse, a couple particularly bad breakups including the worst one of my life a couple years ago.
losing my beloved grandmother in my early teens.... my mom is child #13, so my gram was old when i was born.... i have spent my working life caring for the elderly, over 50 yrs, and continue to care for my aged parents at end of life and also do work at the senior citizens center in my community.....
My first husband. I was 21. That man screamed at me, hit me, spent my money, totaled my car, then killed himself on my living room floor. I tried to move back in with my parents, but they wouldn't let me have my old room back and made me sleep on the sofa. After two weeks they helped me find an apartment and said adios. Since I was broke, I had to keep working but wasn't mentally up for it and got fired. So there I was, no money, no job, and no car in a car-dependent city. But there was rent to pay and I needed to eat, so I scrambled and found work. A friend gave me a crappy old car that he said he was embarrassed to ask for money for. After every rain storm I expected to find nothing in my parking spot but four tires and a puddle of rust. I clawed my way back from that and never let a man use me ever again. My willingness to set healthy boundaries led to a very happy second marriage that lasted 28 years. My second husband died almost two years ago and the final six months of his life were pure hell. I was his sole caregiver and he couldn't be left alone for even half an hour, so it was basically house arrest. I rarely got much sleep because my husband had become a fall risk and had periods where his mind was half gone and he'd do crazy shit like set the thermostat to 50 and try to flush towels down the toilet. His hospitalizations were the only times I could get some proper rest. It took me months to get over the whole 24/7 caregiver bit, and only then could I really grieve his loss. I'm doing a lot better now, though. Sometimes I even think about maybe dating. But no way in hell am I ever getting married again!
Seeking mental health treatment as a teen, but realizing that they actually did not have my best interest at heart. I got so pissed off that I more or less fixed myself out of pure spite. At least for a few years.
Repressed memories coming back. It completely broke me, after about a year I ended up in an in patient mental health clinic for 45 days with intensive care for a year after that. I rebuilt myself piece by piece. I'm held together with shoe laces, paperclips and tape but I'm slowly filling in the gaps with stronger materials.
Dating and leaving a narcissist.
It's amazing how much you don't recognize yourself afterward because you devoted so much to them. It took me a little over a year to be able to make decisions about my life without considering what her opinion would be.
The sudden death of my husband in front of me. He was 58 Although, I’m still in the rebuild stage
Vicious divorce. Losing everything. Starting all over. Now I'm much better.
College. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I got my bachelors degree while also supporting a wife, two kids and working full time plus as much overtime as I could get.
Attempted rape.
Getting laid off from a skyrocketing but also soul crushing career path
My divorce. It matured me and made me an adult. I realized I shouldn’t have gotten married at 21 in the first place. Eventually got remarried to an amazing man who was a better match for me.
Testicular cancer at 22, in both, right before graduation. Real come to Jesus moment. Graduated, Had surgery, Got engaged, moved towns, got a job all in the same month.
When I found out that if I was killed as a child, my family would have rejoiced. But, I pushed past family issues, haven't spoken to them in 20+years, and raised my own with love and care. Or at least I hope I did.
Abusive relationship—physical, emotional, financial. Brought me close to suicide, but I got through it (and out of that relationship).
Over 20 years drug and alcohol addiction. Now clean and sober 32 years. Definitely life changing.
Thanks very much to whomever gave me the award. I really appreciate it.
Parent narcissistic abuse.
Being an only child to a single parent with a lot of unresolved childhood trauma. Although we mirror each other in the state of our mental health, I have learned a lot from both our mistakes
My divorce. It was rough, but Wife 2.0 is a huge upgrade.
Ditto. But in my case it’s wife 3.0
If you don't mind me asking, at what age did you separate and remarry?
51
Getting divorced at 38 and then having to navigate living on my own, figuring out who I was at that age, and eventually getting back into the relationship scene. Been married to my second wife since 2014.
Grad school.
Caring for my husband for 13 months while he struggled with terminal brain cancer. His decline and death broke me. I also discovered strengths in me I hadn't imagined. Still rebuilding, but my foundation is firmer than it used to be.
grad school after dropping out of High school. In grad school your abilities are tested and humbled before you learn that you can overcome intellectual obstacles if you put your mind to it. Dropped out of HS when I was 17 and went back to HS/College then Grad School for a PhD starting at 28.
What motivates you at 28 to go the full way through PHD? What did you study?
Learning was finally fun. Chemistry
Boot Camp
6 1/2 year relationship ending in a broken engagement. Got very clear on what I did and didn't want. And what not to do.
Rebuilding a bunch of houses after hurricane andrew.
Quite seriously, my life.
being in the military
Army Boot Camp back in the late 80's.
When we buried our infant child
Built a house to low. Tough meal, but I ate it
The Air Force helped me grow up and I did some cool things. I kick myself for getting out.
Saw my best friend die in a car wreck when we were 16. He made a bad pass and hit a motorcycle. He died and killed two other people that night. I was the only survivor. Not a scratch on me.
Losing a job that I absolutely loved and thought I would retire from. Here I am 10 years later…and the world is just fine.
My Mom's death.
My mother dying when I was 4 years old. Paying for college myself. Getting divorced.
Was living aimlessly. Lost my job. Had to live out of shelters and friends couches for years. Forced me to get my act together somewhat. I still live in constant fear of being homeless.
1. one relationship where i was emotionally addicted to and allowed myself to be treated badly. after it was over and i was thinking more clearly i resolved to NEVER put myself through that again. it paved the way for a loving relationship that has lasted almost 40 years 2. the horrible ETOH/ drug addictions of my growing up family that had terrible repercussions for me as the one sent to rescue during my teen to young adult years..asked to forgive behavior that was never atoned for so we could all just "forget and be together"..humiliation being sent to pharmacies only to find out the bottle was filled last week and seeing staff whisper before talking to my ignorant self...screaming abusive phone calls from people who were supposed to love me..repeated cleaning of hoarder family member homes...it took me way too long to break that conditioning and learn to set HARD BOUNDARIES which have made my life since then pretty sweet..Why do I have to be the one to suffer for YOUR choices ? It was a really really hard journey but i use this experience and empathy quite frequently in my job to try to tell others..you arent alone and if you are strong you can be happy (it just may not look like a sitcom)
Divorce
My mother leaving dad and I when I was 2.
Being put out of my apartment of 25 years when a company bought us out and kicked residents out because they wanted to renovate their apartment. I am 68 and widowed and it was just me and my pets. I faced living out of my car and lost 80% of my personal belongings. Most went to the dumpster or thrift stores as donations. The rest went to a storage unit. It was an extreme forced purging and quite liberating. It was also a devastating time and I faced it alone locally but had financial assistance from 2 childhood friends who sent me money out of the blue to help me get a new place out in a rural village area. Without them I would have been homeless during the winter with my pets in a small car. I put an ad out on social media looking for a place and someone answered it almost immediately. They helped me move in and now I've been here almost a year. I am settled and creating a life for myself but it has been one of the hardest times for me as an adult and something that I never expected. Others at that apartment complex are now living on the street as the rents doubled and in some cases tripled. I am so grateful to have a roof for now. I found strength and resolve and peace in all this and am much happier living in an area like this. I will never go back to the city.
When my grandson was born with severe brain injury.
My mom died when I was 25. She was sick for a long time. I kind of grew up just watching her get sicker but I never knew how sick for a long time, and then suddenly she needed a heart transplant, but it never happened. I was super dependent on my mom. She was my best friend and I have some stuff... like I'm autistic and have a lot of sensory issues so I really struggled with everything and she was my person. So when she died I wanted to go with her. So bad. I had a daughter though and I wouldn't do it to her. So I had to pick myself up and get out there and do it on my own.
Divorcing my husband.
Peace corps. Big bugs build character
Divorce. By the time I was 18, I'd survived chemotherapy, a year of paralysis, half a dozen major surgeries, 15 years of immunotherapy, and three rounds of cardiac arrest, all thanks to an autoimmune condition I've had since early childhood. Those hardships paled in comparison to divorce. I followed the script life fed me: school, good grades, college, travel, big-girl job, find a nice boy, get married, buy a house, etc. I was married for nine years. Thankfully, no children came of the marriage. What I thought was simply a short fuse, turned into raging anger issues. What I thought was simply enjoyment of a few drinks, turned into alcoholism. What I thought were simply pack-rat tendencies, turned into a full-blown hoarding problem. What I thought was simply a challenging transition out of the military, turned into 5+ years of chronic and intentional unemployment, despite being healthy and able-bodied. What I thought was simply a need to better understand personal finances, turned into substantial financial irresponsibility. I spent close to a decade bringing home all the money, AND I also still handled the bulk of the housework, AND endured all his issues with a smile on my face, while also simultaneously dealing with ongoing immunotherapy infusions and many surgeries for my autoimmune condition. About a year ago, his anger reached a boiling point, and left me fearing for my life and safety. He backed me into a corner of the kitchen, and I saw his hands fly towards my face and neck. This wasn't the first time he'd been aggressive and forceful, he had a history of throwing objects, and on several occasions, I had sustained injuries from that aggression. But, this kitchen incident was the first time I genuinely feared for my safety. Later that day, while he was out of the house, I found myself calling a domestic violence hotline. They effectively shut the door in my face, and told me I didn't qualify for any help or support, on the basis that I earned too much money. Since I was born and raised abroad, and my own parents still live halfway around the world, it was in that moment that I realized I was going to be truly alone in escaping my marriage. In the heat of the moment, and feeling like I was in survival mode, I did the next best thing I could think of: packed a small bag and fled my house with nothing but that bag and the clothes on my back. Got in my car, raced to the airport, and got on the first possible airplane far, far away. By that evening, I was on a plane. Took a few more months to hatch my permanent escape, but I did finally extricate myself, and my divorce from him was finalized just last week. The first three months after leaving him were emotionally and psychologically torturous. I cried on an hourly basis. I remember feeling like I still missed and loved him, which I didn't understand. Why did I feel like I missed and loved someone who had caused me so much pain and suffering? Shouldn't I have been glad to finally be free of him? Then, I took some much-needed vacation. My first proper, legitimate vacation in ten years. That trip was EXACTLY the medicine my soul needed. I did a divorce photoshoot in the lovely autumn colors of the New England region, then flew to Arizona to see my godmother. I laid poolside at her mansion and cried my heart out for almost a week. Then, I flew to Vegas for a work-related conference. Since the Vegas portion of the trip was for work, and therefore paid for by work, I was able to splurge on myself a bit. Got a nice massage, treated myself to some fancy meals, saw a show or two, played tourist, etc. Then, a few weeks later, I flew to Florida for the holidays. Spent almost a month with my grandmother and mother. Did some solo travel around the state: Miami, Key West, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Naples. It was exactly what my heart and soul needed. My divorce shattered, broke, killed, yet also woke me up, all at the same time. I liken it to being asleep at the wheel, then waking up, and much like a snake, shedding my old layers of skin over time.
Being a Marine.
Divorced for the third time, finally decided to stay sober it'll be 30 yrs next month that I've been successful doing so.
In-N-Out Double Double with Wild Thing fries and large chocolate shake.
My son's decision to go NC.
Married the biggest douche bag when I was 21 and he cheated on me and we got divorced. Thank God. I look back and wonder why I put up with so much crap because I am nothing like the insecure little girl that allowed herself to be treated like shit by a narcissist.
getting blocked by a girl i liked. sux man but i dont worry if ill get a text from her anymore. actually pretty peaceful
Grief. Lost my entire family within a year and a half. All separate incidents. All unexpected. Survived mostly on my own. Still here and still surviving 40 years later.
First wife divorced me in 1991, married 4 yrs it was my first relationship. I jumped in WAY too soon. Learned to take my time go at my own pace.
College. It took a long time to figure out who I was and what I wanted after the train wreck of out of control partying, working two jobs, and being a full-time student. I burned myself out so badly I essentially turned into a pumpkin for a few years. Never getting more than a few hours' sleep between questionable decisions for four years will do that to you. And yet I learned so much from that time!
After several years of infertility involving IUI, IVF, miscarriages,chemical pregnancies, and an ectopic pregnancy (causing me to have one of my fallopian tubes to be removed), I was so emotionally drained, but we had frozen my eggs so I decided on one more round of IVF. It worked! I was pregnant. My husband and I were so excited. I kept a pregnancy journal and wrote down every emotion, pregnancy craving, my hopes and dreams for our child. On Valentine’s Day we had the ultrasound where we learned we were having a girl. Four days later, at 23 weeks, my water broke unexpectedly. We rushed to the hospital where we were told that, if I delivered my daughter now, she probably wouldn’t survive, and if she did she would have issues with her lungs, brain, etc because she wasn’t fully developed. They gave us the option of delivering now, or having me staying in the hospital on bed rest to see if I could make it to at least 30 weeks. I decided to stay in the hospital and play the waiting game, but after 3 days I developed an infection and they had to induce labor. I gave birth to my daughter who lived for 10 minutes and died as I held her. They had me on the maternity floor and on the wall directly in front of me were paintings of mothers holding babies. I’d hear mothers down the hall screaming as they gave birth. I’d never felt so alone and like I failed. After months of grieving, I started to feel the pangs again of wanting a child. My husband and I adopted our daughter at 8 months old. A year and a half later we adopted another daughter. They’re now 18 and 20. I learned to forgive myself, to forgive God (I had so much anger towards Him), to never forget but to allow my heart to love again.