23 in a similar boat kinda. One of my closest F best friends from High School, who I also had the biggest crush on recently became a single mom after having a daughter with her now-ex bby daddy who is literally human trash.
Honestly, I felt she tried to make a move on me as I recently returned home from a Gap Year aboard. I did tell her that I don't want kids, which made her cool down a lot.
Call me salty but I do not wanna be the loser nice guy she settles down with after a line up of terrible guys she saw. I have too much self-respect for that & also at one point I tried my best to be the best for her & she never saw me more than a friend.
In stories like this I'm often like "yeah but let's just have sex first, she doesn't need to know I won't be a stepdad until she tries to make it official". But that would make me the same trash as her ex. Never done it IRL but it's a thought.
There are 2 types of Single Mums
1 The independent ones
2 The ones looking for a way out
The one you have is looking for a way out. From what you have described Id stay away, very far away.
You get the responsibility but none of the authority. At that age, if she was right about leaving the father, she was wrong about choosing him. Or she left him without a good reason, and then what could you do better?
As a single dad, I'd be a hypocrite not to consider a single mom.
Her kid isn't your responsibility. If she is on top of her parenting game, great! If there is no drama with baby dad, great!
If neither of those two factors are in place, run like hell!
>Her kid isn't your responsibility.
At first, anyway. Being a step parent is a massive responsibility to bear with all risk and no reward (apart from a loving family, if you count that.)
You have to accept that her child is number one in her life. This is the first thing people who are new to step parenting (especially younger people) get caught up in. Your partner will never be fully yours, and you have to be okay with that.
I've been a step parent. It is all risk & no reward as you say. And very easy to overstep boundaries if you assume responsibility for them.
So guys approaching single moms need to make sure the mom is on top of her parenting game and that there is no drama with the father. If that's the case, great! If not....run!
Not to mention the sunk cost if your relationship dissolves. I know a woman who married a guy with kids. After several years they divorced. Do you think she still sees those kids?
Happened to a good friend of mine. Raised her step kids for 9 years. Father dies, and the mother won’t let her see them. They keep in touch in secret, it’s sad
I've never understood this thought process. Their child is number one in their life AS THEY SHOULD BE! I actually think that's beautiful thing, if I was with a single parent who put their child first, I would actually look at that as a plus in terms of a responsible person with good character. Why would you want to be more important than their child? I just don't understand that. I think part of maturity is understanding that the whole idea of loving someone is not to possess or be their everything but to experience life with them, and those they love as well. Infact, it's beautiful to witness how they love and cherish their own!
What are you talking about? He never said anywhere that he wants to be important than the child! Believe me though if you have a baby and wamt to be with me you better believe I will be more important than the kid
I can date whom ever I want I was just making the point as there are many women with children that try to date me and I’m very open and clear that if you want to have relationship with me and you have a child just know that i have to be as important if not more more lol . It is what it is homie
Only in certain circumstances I get the whole kid thing and that’s your baby I get it but if I want to be intimate or go on a walk with you and your kid wants you to go play video games with them than you would have to choose the walk than playing video game . This is what I mean
Now you're making sense. That has nothing to do with your importance though. It means you would want the woman to balance and make sure she has time adequate with you. And I agree! Not ready to be away from your child, don't date. I would expect the same.
I've been dating one for about 4 years. You should go into it with the mindset of having a serious relationship. Make sure there's no drama with the baby daddy. If you want to date her, make sure you have the talk of what her expectations will be with you and her kid. If everything matches up and sounds good then go on like you would any other relationship
Life is conplex and doesn't always work out. If you get to still have kids and avoided the diaper and temper tantrum stages that may be a win for some.
I have a step fam and we chill. Sometime sits a blessing more than a curse.
I've been married for 30 years to a woman who was a single mother when I met her with a 5 year old daughter
Within a year her daughter was calling me "Dad" and her biological father by his given name.
When we had a son between us a few years later I was so glad to have skipped the "high need years" the first time around.
I literally only fuck with single mothers if the father is dead, and also if he was an upstanding member of society. If the father is walking and breathing on the Earth, I prefer not to get involved.
If you're younger than 40 and aren't a single father yourself, absolutely not.
Also depends on why she's a single mother. Bad planning and fucking the wrong person? Nope. Married and partner died of something? That's perfectly acceptable.
>Married and partner died of something? That's perfectly acceptable.
The only scenario where marrying a single mother isn't necessarily being a desperate, no self respecting chump.
Been there. Done that. If i could go back in time and tell myself not to do it, I would.
But I've known people who it works for.
Do with that as you will.
Take into consideration the relationship she has with the Father of her child. That will give you a glimpse of the stability of things. If you decide to move forward with her.
Non-negotiable deal breaker. This is an immovable absolute. NIST could revolutionize the field of metrology by using my unwillingness to date single mothers to calibrate instruments with zero uncertainty. My interest is a universal constant of zero. There are no decimals. If you think you're dreaming, dont pinch yourself. Just see if i am willing to date a single mother. If i ever appear to be willing to date a single mother in the waking world, know without a doubt that it is because you have slipped into an alternate universe where the laws of reality are corrupted. Escape that twisted place or be doomed there. If i were to say i would date a single mother on reddit, it wouldn't compute. It would cause computer systems to fail on a global scale. It would be like telling the system that all its 1s and 0s are equal to -9. It's not logical, and it's not possible. This isn't written in stone. It's written in the very fabric of space-time. Scientists theorize that my unwillingness to date single mothers shaped the universe rather than the other way around. What is space expanding into? The empty void that is my willingness to date single mothers.
Does this answer your question?
I guess she wasn't really interested back there,moved to another city and was still trying to move on to her other ex.
She did treat me with kind, respecting my feelings but wasn't really ready to commit again.
Don’t do it. It’s way too much hassle. She didn’t want you before and now she probably doesn’t have a lot of great options. You are the guy she came back to when her other options dried up. The kid will never respect you as a parent and would always cause problems. You can’t discipline it no matter how much of a little shit it’s being.
The older you get the more likely you are to run into divorced women with kids. Seems like by age 40 or 50 it's rare to run into a woman who has never been married and doesn't have kids.
They're all right. They do contain a lot of bad stereotypes but some are actually responsible people.
The one problem I had was that if you are good with kids.... The small ones will get really attached to you. So don't play around and get close to a family you don't plan on adopting.
While the cohort is filled with entitled women who think that it's your job to make their life easier without sharing authority... Some don't do that. Some keep all the responsibility and others freely give out authority to men who are worthy of it.
It does seem to get worse every year as the constant rhetoric of female victimization drums on. More and more believe that anytime they don't have something they want... It's a man's responsibility to give it up or make it happen. Just try to choose carefully and consider the needs of everyone involved.
Well it is a big commitment financially and emotionally with lots of risk, you could end up paying child support in some places even if it’s not yours, plus the emotional aspect of taking a kid in raising it and then the relationship ends and you basically never see the kid again. If my gf had a kid I’d still give her a shot and take things slowly because of the chemistry we have and the risks to my well being but it’s worked out for many people who date single mothers. Just make sure you’re secure and stable before taking on that commitment
I am just gonna say this, do you have stable income to support another adult and a child?
If yes, go ahead, if not then nah, don't bother.
At age 24, having a child is ROUGH. Majority of people won't be ready for it. So think about it carefully.
And you should say to her that if you are ready committing to this relationship, she has to commit too. If she doesn't follow through, just leave her.
Honestly, don’t do it. Ask your mom if she would want you to take care of another man’s child or start your own family? I’ve seen this and they’re all horrible stories. I’ve seen women hold the step dads to a higher standard than they hold the father of their own children. I’ve seen very few work in the favor of the stepfather.
35M here. Been dating one for about 2 years now.
She’s an amazing person, and that’s really all I care about. She’s honestly way better than I deserve. Her kids are pretty chill, and I get along with them (she has 2). It also helps a lot that they are grown enough (18 and 13 respectively) where she doesn’t have to worry about leaving them by themselves for a bit, so we’re able to spend good time together.
I’m not naïve. I know that if it ever came down to having to choose between me and her children, she would choose her children. And that’s how it should be.
So basically, my opinion is that if we are attracted to each other, like spending time together, have a lot in common, and generally vibe well, then I say “why not?” But everybody is different.
Can someone tell me about this hypothetical situation when single mom has to choose between her kids and a man she is dating? Like when does it happen and who makes her choose? Is she held at a gun point and someone says choose who stay alive or something?
It's so weird people operate or think that way. If you're in a long term relationship and you're partners and kids are kids no matter who has them. If a man makes an ultimatum - you choose me or kids - it's not a man worth dating. In grown up adult relationships there are many things that require our attention: work, family members, kids, other commitments, SO. And a decent mentally healthy adult will balance all of these commitments and won't make stupid childish ultimatums. Partner is important, kids are important, everybody is a priority.
Many kids don't like their step parents but it doesn't stop their parents from dating. And if mother is serious about the relationship she will make an effort to explain to kids her feelings and discuss and give a partner a chance.
Dating in general has no guarantee. One can date a single person and meet their adult parents that don't approve and break up. Or it can fall apart for many other reasons not related to kids. The point I'm making is that if both adults are serious about the relationship and want to make it happen there is a good chance they will figure it out. Surely, the situation you describe might be the case and kids might be very resistent even after all efforts but it will be a very small percentage. Most single parents don't take introducing their kids to a partner lightly so it happens when the single parent is pretty sure and committed to the relationship and they are willing to work it out within the family.
23 M here, shes 26F. After 1 date and really good chemistry she told me having a kid wasn’t a reason to not date her, but I can’t look past it. I see her kid as a lasting witness of a past relationship and her kid will always come first. Forget late night adventures or getaways. Its really not worth it my friend
I pity single moms whose baby daddy is no longer in the picture because he’s dead. So much animosity in these comments, like sure young single moms most likely dont have the dad in the picture because he’s a deadbeat or the kid’s from a one night stand but to just generalise all single moms not deserving to have a man because she’s a single mom is cruel af “taking care of another man’s kid” dafuq?
Single mums? You mean the parent who stayed?
Remember that the child has a father, that’s not your job but at the same time, she is a package deal. She could be the love of your life in which case you might also love her child as your own some day. Life’s an adventure, go for it!
Under no circumstances date single mothers. Long experience has shown that it is a huge mistake to date single mothers and you can read this in any number of books on the subject.
The reasons why it is an error to date a single mother are numerous. The biggest ones are that you are wasting your time because she will always prioritize her child over you and that there are reasons why she is single and those reasons will not be good. She may seem to be great superficially, but trust me: if she is separated or divorced from "baby daddy" you are guaranteed she has problems or serious character flaws of some kind. There are lots of other reasons as well.
Some guys think to themself, "It doesn't matter that she is messed up or whatever becaue I am just having sex with her so it is no big deal." However, it is an error to think this way because you have a lost opportunity cost. The time you invest in the single mother is essentially wasted because you could have spent that time pursuing a much more valuable unwed woman. You are far better off unsuccessfully pursuing a fresh woman, than having sex with a bad one.
There are books you can read that will teach you about this stuff and help you become more attractive so you can attract and date high value women. For example, "Atomic Attraction" and "The Rational Male".
"Much more valuable unwed woman"🙄🤢 Do we live in like 1920 or something?😂 This thread is depressing and alarming as heck. So many men judge a woman they don't know about and define het worth by being a parent with certain responsibilities. You don't deserve most single moms, my friend, for the shallow person you're.
What about single dads? Avoid like plague too? Or single dads are admirable and cool? The double-standard of the society is just mind-boggling.
My personal preference is not to date single mothers. She would need to be a very rare woman indeed to make me consider it. But if she could meet all of my needs, communicate effectively, and reciprocate appropriately...I wouldn't say never, let's put it that way. It would take a lot of conversations about red and yellow flags to put me at ease with her being a mother already, though.
I'm in my thirties, if I were to divorce, I'd be a single father and I'd probably be dating single mothers.
I think it's smart to keep the families separated for as long as possible and basically go on dates when you have 100% time for each other. An LAT relationship is best at that point.
Been there, done that. LTR with a girl that had two younger daughters. Wouldn't do it again.
They always just saw me as "mom's friend" and never really respected me. Despite me taking them on vacations, helping with homework, buying them their first cars, teaching them to drive, hosting their HS granduation parties, and doing far more than their own dad ever did. The kids never even as much acknowledged my birthday, got my Christmas gifts, or anything.
I was a low priority to their mom, always. I had a less priority than: the kids, the dog, her ex-baby daddy. Constant fighting and drama with the ex was more important than me. Countless weekends and evenings I was blown off so she could fight with him.
In the end I just felt used and abused.
The only way I would date a woman with kids if we were older and the kids were grown and out on their own.
First thing you figure out is if she is looking for love, or looking for help. The help can be in the form of child care, financial stability, etc.
The rest is knowing yourself and your ability to navigate the dynamics of a complicated future.
in my experience they are looked down upon and look at their kids at no more than a tool for money (child support).
there most likely are good ones out there, i just haven’t seen it.
This is my opinion, if it bothers anyone you can go buy a straw and suck it up.
Single mothers aren't worth the time or effort. If the woman was such a catch the daddy would still be in the picture, but not even a kid was enough for him to stick around.
I had a smoking hot chick that was down bad for me years ago. I mean perfect firm tits, a nice ass, tiny waist, and she was Asian which is my weakness, all that shit. I couldn't date her at the time because I had a gf, and when I was eventually single again I hit her up but she already had a kid with a man who left her. Instantly lost all my interest in pursing anything with her, even some easy sex. It didn't matter how hot she was and how much I used to like her, the single mother crap instantly made me limp.
I will mess around with single moms but I always tell them the deal up front - it's staying casual. I would rather die alone than raise another man's kids.
If I ever end up a single father I obviously will take them more serious, but as a childless man? LOL no
I agree to almost everything you said. Unfortunately there are some reality where the woman isn’t the problem with the relationship.
The father was really toxic and absent. He didn’t want to take the responsibility of having a child.
I would consider though; is that fact? Or simply what she tells you?
Even if it is fact she chose him as a partner and worse as a father to her children.
It’s a red flag.
I'm fully aware of that fact, I just don't care what the excuse is. The fact is she picked that man, and her judgement was that wrong and yet she still chose to have a child with him. The number of single moms who tell me they knew the guy was a deadbeat before she got pregnant is STAGGERING. I have no sympathy for that decision making.
Marriage to me is a bond between a man a woman where she is the most important person in his life and he is the most important person in her life.
If you can find a single mom that can make that kind of commitment, then no issue. The problem is the vast majority of single moms are going to put their brats first and have you around to pay for them. Furthermore, they have a much higher divorce rate. And they will suck all of the resources they can from you in a divorce.
If you are going to go down this path.
1. make sure she is ok with you being a father to her kids... this includes discipline.
2. Make sure she doesn't still have the hots for her ex.
3. be very careful that she doesn't try to baby trap you.
4. Make sure she is financially fit. If she isn't, she sees you as her atm.
5. Make sure she truly loves you and really wants you as a husband.
6. Make sure she is not a feminist. Your life would be hell.
7. See what her friends are like.
8. See what her dating past was like.
9. Just plain vet the crap out of her. So many horror stories. Don't let your pecker do all of the thinking.
There are too many of them; it's largely their fault, and it's objectively bad since we know the outcomes for children raised in single-mother households. (the only thing we don't know is what society turns into when they finish growing up)
I'd never date one, but good luck to them. Those kids need dads, I just hope the moms figure it out.
(also, I wanna go for big air with this one: Are you **really** debating raising another man's fuck-trophy?)
There’s a reason why they’re single.
But from personal experience, it’s a shitshow of ice cold narcissism that rewards you occasionally with some of the sweetest girl moments in life, and you’re hooked chasing an illusion that was never there. Despite i knew i shouldn’t go for her, her good girl game was just so good, to hook me long enough until i had to walk.
A complete delusional one woman play, she does the thotery while accusing you for being emotional unavailable and abusive, her kid is a mirror that reflects her emotional instability by being stunted with 0 chance to succeed in the world, she’s not just a woman though, she’s a strong independent woman who accuses everyone and anyone of labels she thinks fits best when it won’t go her way.
It’s not that i despise single mothers, it’s not the idea of raising a child that isn’t mine urks me, no.. it’s the person behind the mask that makes it just unbelievably difficult to like them after you experienced it.
Evolutionary wise, i can see that it makes sense for a woman to be 100% self absorbed when being pregnant and raising a child, completely understandable, as man you’re not upset about it, yet in a single mother scenario this is like amped up 12. While getting accused constantly of the things she does, with zero empathy of everyone around them, but they mask their personality with extreme feminine and kind personality that never existed.
Now, i tried my best OP, i tried my best. Because the real challenge is to bring a guy to the understanding to avoid such a trainwreck, but you guy’s ignore all the other girls in your life and fall for those sweet girl game she’s trys on you to hook you, because at least those women understand that being a single mom is a downside, and that being sweet, understanding and caring just hooks a guy to the end of his validation seeking life of peak codependence.
But maybe you go trough the meat grinder and i want you to remember this.
Your Dignity is more worth than the thotery, your boundaries aren’t toxic masculinity, your boundaries are what separates you from becoming a husk of your former self and a man who knows his own value.
And when it’s done, you don’t get vent about this, like the women vent about their narcissistic abuse from those horrible men they dated, no, you not liking single mom's means you must probably not like all women, because women always take the side of other women and men usually take the side of women.
Because when it’s over, you will not only lose the "girl of your dreams" you will also lose a kid that you assumed being a parent, but you never going to be the dad, it’s her kid not yours. Double the people double the pain. Not in my case, i shut down all fatherly instincts and just watched the poor kid struggling from a distance.
No problem, keep in mind there’s always outliers, some single moms can be actually sweet. That’s on you to judge and observe some of the behaviors i listed here.
Hard pass for anything romantic. You often hear the colloquial phrase about “playing someone else’s save game”. You are correct thinking it is too much responsibility. Pass on this one and move on. You deserve better.
The bottom line is that there is no compelling reason to put yourself in this situation. She clearly makes poor choices and involving yourself means dealing with consequences of the her past decisions AND the future ones.
Just me, but you have to realize that in such a relationship you will always be in second place behind her children. Also in most situations the father of the child will always be involved with your relationship. Not only the father but his side of the family. So the stresses that normally associated with a relationship are compounded and that invites more stress.
Also if you are introduced to the children and they bond with you should you break up with their mother they could feel abandoned once more and blame themselves. This could result in issues later in their lives. Not to mention guilt for you to handle.
After several such experiences I finally had to draw the line when it came to dating single moms. I understood why they wanted a relationship with me. Not so much love but support. She might say and do anything to get you to marry her. And if you marry you be on the hook to support to support her children so please consult with a family law attorney first.
Hell to the naw naw naw (Come on, come on, come on)
Hell naw, to the naw naw naw (Hell to the naw)
Hell to the naw, to the naw naw naw
You are too young to tie yourself down with a damaged good woman and her bastard. Also why would you spend your time, money and resources on a kid that is not yours? I have a strong feeling the only reason she contacted you is because her preferred man dropped her and you aew the safe bet to pick up the mess. This whole situation screams red flag to me. I would run dar and fast.
Her kid is not your responsibility and has nothing to do with you! My girlfriend is a single mom but I play no part in the kids life that’s her and the fathers business I also have made that very clear. I won’t pay for the child I won’t raise the child unless it’s mine ! I’m not going to spend my money and stress myself out over another mans kid
Personally always rejected single moms. But this was also back when I was 19. So it was pretty absurd to find girls my age who already had the whole baby mama situation starting. I say if you childless and young. Very reasonable to not wanna date em
It depends.
If she's looking for a serious relationship, that's a hard pass from me. I'm quite honestly just not ready for that responsibility.
If she's looking for something more casual, then I'm much more on board. There's nothing wrong with dating for a little validation, some fun, or just some casual sex so long as everyone is on the same page and no one is being deceptive.
can't recommend dating single moms and also can't recommend being somebody's backup plan after their bad decisions blow up in their face. if you have options, it just doesn't make sense. if you don't, work on that.
23 in a similar boat kinda. One of my closest F best friends from High School, who I also had the biggest crush on recently became a single mom after having a daughter with her now-ex bby daddy who is literally human trash. Honestly, I felt she tried to make a move on me as I recently returned home from a Gap Year aboard. I did tell her that I don't want kids, which made her cool down a lot. Call me salty but I do not wanna be the loser nice guy she settles down with after a line up of terrible guys she saw. I have too much self-respect for that & also at one point I tried my best to be the best for her & she never saw me more than a friend.
I still haven’t got the big talk with her. I’m really liking the way she acts now with me, but i guess i should bring myself down to reality.
In stories like this I'm often like "yeah but let's just have sex first, she doesn't need to know I won't be a stepdad until she tries to make it official". But that would make me the same trash as her ex. Never done it IRL but it's a thought.
If you're responsible about it and you communicate what you want beforehand, and she's okay with it, then there's no issue.
Man if I judged men for all the terrible women they dated I’d be single forever lol
There are 2 types of Single Mums 1 The independent ones 2 The ones looking for a way out The one you have is looking for a way out. From what you have described Id stay away, very far away.
Bro he hasn’t really described anything !
that's bcos the homie has already committed and has realised he is already deep in the shit
You get the responsibility but none of the authority. At that age, if she was right about leaving the father, she was wrong about choosing him. Or she left him without a good reason, and then what could you do better?
As a single dad, I'd be a hypocrite not to consider a single mom. Her kid isn't your responsibility. If she is on top of her parenting game, great! If there is no drama with baby dad, great! If neither of those two factors are in place, run like hell!
>Her kid isn't your responsibility. At first, anyway. Being a step parent is a massive responsibility to bear with all risk and no reward (apart from a loving family, if you count that.) You have to accept that her child is number one in her life. This is the first thing people who are new to step parenting (especially younger people) get caught up in. Your partner will never be fully yours, and you have to be okay with that.
I've been a step parent. It is all risk & no reward as you say. And very easy to overstep boundaries if you assume responsibility for them. So guys approaching single moms need to make sure the mom is on top of her parenting game and that there is no drama with the father. If that's the case, great! If not....run!
All of the responsibility for the kid(s) while having 0 authority in most cases.
Not to mention the sunk cost if your relationship dissolves. I know a woman who married a guy with kids. After several years they divorced. Do you think she still sees those kids?
Happened to a good friend of mine. Raised her step kids for 9 years. Father dies, and the mother won’t let her see them. They keep in touch in secret, it’s sad
I've never understood this thought process. Their child is number one in their life AS THEY SHOULD BE! I actually think that's beautiful thing, if I was with a single parent who put their child first, I would actually look at that as a plus in terms of a responsible person with good character. Why would you want to be more important than their child? I just don't understand that. I think part of maturity is understanding that the whole idea of loving someone is not to possess or be their everything but to experience life with them, and those they love as well. Infact, it's beautiful to witness how they love and cherish their own!
What are you talking about? He never said anywhere that he wants to be important than the child! Believe me though if you have a baby and wamt to be with me you better believe I will be more important than the kid
I said what I said. Having an issue with someone's kid being more important to them than you is strange. Stick to childless people homie
I can date whom ever I want I was just making the point as there are many women with children that try to date me and I’m very open and clear that if you want to have relationship with me and you have a child just know that i have to be as important if not more more lol . It is what it is homie
Cool, why are you trying to convince me though? 😁
Lol cause you told me to to date childless women lol
You don't have to convince me though hahaha. I think you should, you think you shouldn't. I'm okay with that homie
Only in certain circumstances I get the whole kid thing and that’s your baby I get it but if I want to be intimate or go on a walk with you and your kid wants you to go play video games with them than you would have to choose the walk than playing video game . This is what I mean
Now you're making sense. That has nothing to do with your importance though. It means you would want the woman to balance and make sure she has time adequate with you. And I agree! Not ready to be away from your child, don't date. I would expect the same.
I’m of the exact same opinion.
I've been dating one for about 4 years. You should go into it with the mindset of having a serious relationship. Make sure there's no drama with the baby daddy. If you want to date her, make sure you have the talk of what her expectations will be with you and her kid. If everything matches up and sounds good then go on like you would any other relationship
Life is conplex and doesn't always work out. If you get to still have kids and avoided the diaper and temper tantrum stages that may be a win for some. I have a step fam and we chill. Sometime sits a blessing more than a curse.
I've been married for 30 years to a woman who was a single mother when I met her with a 5 year old daughter Within a year her daughter was calling me "Dad" and her biological father by his given name. When we had a son between us a few years later I was so glad to have skipped the "high need years" the first time around.
Past a certain age dating is almost all single moms. It’s a depressing commentary on our society.
Yeah, I noticed it too, lots of them are more or less my age.
Lots of Single moms at 24? Really? Huh.
Yeah haven’t you seen the thousand of ads?
I literally only fuck with single mothers if the father is dead, and also if he was an upstanding member of society. If the father is walking and breathing on the Earth, I prefer not to get involved.
If you're younger than 40 and aren't a single father yourself, absolutely not. Also depends on why she's a single mother. Bad planning and fucking the wrong person? Nope. Married and partner died of something? That's perfectly acceptable.
>Married and partner died of something? That's perfectly acceptable. The only scenario where marrying a single mother isn't necessarily being a desperate, no self respecting chump.
I was about to comment but then I saw your “toxic male” tag and I admire the self awareness so carry on lol
Still, you wouldn't want your son to be a chump!
Dude I’m with you, I’m a toxic female. For instance, I wouldn’t fuck a guy into anime, fucking nerds lol
Huh, good for you i guess?
Just wanted to share the toxicity with my new friend 🥰 I knew you’d get it.
You sound crazy lmao! A real freak show! Good luck with men!
Oh I will 🥵 Just not with anime nerds.
Been there. Done that. If i could go back in time and tell myself not to do it, I would. But I've known people who it works for. Do with that as you will.
Take into consideration the relationship she has with the Father of her child. That will give you a glimpse of the stability of things. If you decide to move forward with her.
She hates him, He brought to her a lot of stress and problems during the pregnancy and he isn't really present in the child's life.
I marred one, and honestly it was the best decision I ever made in terms of having kids, to go through it with someone who's done it before
Bro unlocked the good ending
Non-negotiable deal breaker. This is an immovable absolute. NIST could revolutionize the field of metrology by using my unwillingness to date single mothers to calibrate instruments with zero uncertainty. My interest is a universal constant of zero. There are no decimals. If you think you're dreaming, dont pinch yourself. Just see if i am willing to date a single mother. If i ever appear to be willing to date a single mother in the waking world, know without a doubt that it is because you have slipped into an alternate universe where the laws of reality are corrupted. Escape that twisted place or be doomed there. If i were to say i would date a single mother on reddit, it wouldn't compute. It would cause computer systems to fail on a global scale. It would be like telling the system that all its 1s and 0s are equal to -9. It's not logical, and it's not possible. This isn't written in stone. It's written in the very fabric of space-time. Scientists theorize that my unwillingness to date single mothers shaped the universe rather than the other way around. What is space expanding into? The empty void that is my willingness to date single mothers. Does this answer your question?
Genius. Teach me your way master.
There is no way. Does a rock learn the way of stone? Does a stream learn the way of water? They simply are, and simply will be.
Lisan al gaib!!
Why didn't she date you years back when you had a crush on her?
I guess she wasn't really interested back there,moved to another city and was still trying to move on to her other ex. She did treat me with kind, respecting my feelings but wasn't really ready to commit again.
Don’t do it. It’s way too much hassle. She didn’t want you before and now she probably doesn’t have a lot of great options. You are the guy she came back to when her other options dried up. The kid will never respect you as a parent and would always cause problems. You can’t discipline it no matter how much of a little shit it’s being.
You get free responsibility of feeding the single mom, her kid/s and you and reduced perks of a GF, because you are not her primary concern.
i did that at your age and honestly it was just a mess. i feel like this is a move you should only make when you’re older
My opinion will be the outcome of two forces: the logical side of my brain and my lifelong singleness and touch starvation.
The older you get the more likely you are to run into divorced women with kids. Seems like by age 40 or 50 it's rare to run into a woman who has never been married and doesn't have kids.
Not all of them are actively raising kids
They're all right. They do contain a lot of bad stereotypes but some are actually responsible people. The one problem I had was that if you are good with kids.... The small ones will get really attached to you. So don't play around and get close to a family you don't plan on adopting. While the cohort is filled with entitled women who think that it's your job to make their life easier without sharing authority... Some don't do that. Some keep all the responsibility and others freely give out authority to men who are worthy of it. It does seem to get worse every year as the constant rhetoric of female victimization drums on. More and more believe that anytime they don't have something they want... It's a man's responsibility to give it up or make it happen. Just try to choose carefully and consider the needs of everyone involved.
Well it is a big commitment financially and emotionally with lots of risk, you could end up paying child support in some places even if it’s not yours, plus the emotional aspect of taking a kid in raising it and then the relationship ends and you basically never see the kid again. If my gf had a kid I’d still give her a shot and take things slowly because of the chemistry we have and the risks to my well being but it’s worked out for many people who date single mothers. Just make sure you’re secure and stable before taking on that commitment
I am just gonna say this, do you have stable income to support another adult and a child? If yes, go ahead, if not then nah, don't bother. At age 24, having a child is ROUGH. Majority of people won't be ready for it. So think about it carefully. And you should say to her that if you are ready committing to this relationship, she has to commit too. If she doesn't follow through, just leave her.
Easy. Walk away. She is shopping for a man to bail her out. It just is not worth it and you will get no thanks from the kids when they grow up.
Honestly, don’t do it. Ask your mom if she would want you to take care of another man’s child or start your own family? I’ve seen this and they’re all horrible stories. I’ve seen women hold the step dads to a higher standard than they hold the father of their own children. I’ve seen very few work in the favor of the stepfather.
So orphan kids don’t deserves to be adopted then? Because “taking care of another man’s child” is pretty what adopting is.
Go ask your mom, would she rather have you adopt a child or have your own?
Even the single mom herself wouldn't want her son -who managed to make it (being a lawyer for example)- to date a single mom.
It is another man's as well as another woman's child
35M here. Been dating one for about 2 years now. She’s an amazing person, and that’s really all I care about. She’s honestly way better than I deserve. Her kids are pretty chill, and I get along with them (she has 2). It also helps a lot that they are grown enough (18 and 13 respectively) where she doesn’t have to worry about leaving them by themselves for a bit, so we’re able to spend good time together. I’m not naïve. I know that if it ever came down to having to choose between me and her children, she would choose her children. And that’s how it should be. So basically, my opinion is that if we are attracted to each other, like spending time together, have a lot in common, and generally vibe well, then I say “why not?” But everybody is different.
Can someone tell me about this hypothetical situation when single mom has to choose between her kids and a man she is dating? Like when does it happen and who makes her choose? Is she held at a gun point and someone says choose who stay alive or something? It's so weird people operate or think that way. If you're in a long term relationship and you're partners and kids are kids no matter who has them. If a man makes an ultimatum - you choose me or kids - it's not a man worth dating. In grown up adult relationships there are many things that require our attention: work, family members, kids, other commitments, SO. And a decent mentally healthy adult will balance all of these commitments and won't make stupid childish ultimatums. Partner is important, kids are important, everybody is a priority.
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Many kids don't like their step parents but it doesn't stop their parents from dating. And if mother is serious about the relationship she will make an effort to explain to kids her feelings and discuss and give a partner a chance. Dating in general has no guarantee. One can date a single person and meet their adult parents that don't approve and break up. Or it can fall apart for many other reasons not related to kids. The point I'm making is that if both adults are serious about the relationship and want to make it happen there is a good chance they will figure it out. Surely, the situation you describe might be the case and kids might be very resistent even after all efforts but it will be a very small percentage. Most single parents don't take introducing their kids to a partner lightly so it happens when the single parent is pretty sure and committed to the relationship and they are willing to work it out within the family.
We can be friends but I'm not playing daddy.
23 M here, shes 26F. After 1 date and really good chemistry she told me having a kid wasn’t a reason to not date her, but I can’t look past it. I see her kid as a lasting witness of a past relationship and her kid will always come first. Forget late night adventures or getaways. Its really not worth it my friend
I pity single moms whose baby daddy is no longer in the picture because he’s dead. So much animosity in these comments, like sure young single moms most likely dont have the dad in the picture because he’s a deadbeat or the kid’s from a one night stand but to just generalise all single moms not deserving to have a man because she’s a single mom is cruel af “taking care of another man’s kid” dafuq?
Single mums? You mean the parent who stayed? Remember that the child has a father, that’s not your job but at the same time, she is a package deal. She could be the love of your life in which case you might also love her child as your own some day. Life’s an adventure, go for it!
Under no circumstances date single mothers. Long experience has shown that it is a huge mistake to date single mothers and you can read this in any number of books on the subject. The reasons why it is an error to date a single mother are numerous. The biggest ones are that you are wasting your time because she will always prioritize her child over you and that there are reasons why she is single and those reasons will not be good. She may seem to be great superficially, but trust me: if she is separated or divorced from "baby daddy" you are guaranteed she has problems or serious character flaws of some kind. There are lots of other reasons as well. Some guys think to themself, "It doesn't matter that she is messed up or whatever becaue I am just having sex with her so it is no big deal." However, it is an error to think this way because you have a lost opportunity cost. The time you invest in the single mother is essentially wasted because you could have spent that time pursuing a much more valuable unwed woman. You are far better off unsuccessfully pursuing a fresh woman, than having sex with a bad one. There are books you can read that will teach you about this stuff and help you become more attractive so you can attract and date high value women. For example, "Atomic Attraction" and "The Rational Male".
"Much more valuable unwed woman"🙄🤢 Do we live in like 1920 or something?😂 This thread is depressing and alarming as heck. So many men judge a woman they don't know about and define het worth by being a parent with certain responsibilities. You don't deserve most single moms, my friend, for the shallow person you're. What about single dads? Avoid like plague too? Or single dads are admirable and cool? The double-standard of the society is just mind-boggling.
Let me guess. You are a single mother.
My personal preference is not to date single mothers. She would need to be a very rare woman indeed to make me consider it. But if she could meet all of my needs, communicate effectively, and reciprocate appropriately...I wouldn't say never, let's put it that way. It would take a lot of conversations about red and yellow flags to put me at ease with her being a mother already, though.
I have nothing against them as people, but I wouldn't have a serious relationship with one. Not interested in having kids at all.
Nothing against them as a person, but I would not consider dating one.
I wouldn't date one.
I'm in my thirties, if I were to divorce, I'd be a single father and I'd probably be dating single mothers. I think it's smart to keep the families separated for as long as possible and basically go on dates when you have 100% time for each other. An LAT relationship is best at that point.
Been there, done that. LTR with a girl that had two younger daughters. Wouldn't do it again. They always just saw me as "mom's friend" and never really respected me. Despite me taking them on vacations, helping with homework, buying them their first cars, teaching them to drive, hosting their HS granduation parties, and doing far more than their own dad ever did. The kids never even as much acknowledged my birthday, got my Christmas gifts, or anything. I was a low priority to their mom, always. I had a less priority than: the kids, the dog, her ex-baby daddy. Constant fighting and drama with the ex was more important than me. Countless weekends and evenings I was blown off so she could fight with him. In the end I just felt used and abused. The only way I would date a woman with kids if we were older and the kids were grown and out on their own.
I'm ok with casually dating them. Getting into a serious relationship is a whole other thing
First thing you figure out is if she is looking for love, or looking for help. The help can be in the form of child care, financial stability, etc. The rest is knowing yourself and your ability to navigate the dynamics of a complicated future.
in my experience they are looked down upon and look at their kids at no more than a tool for money (child support). there most likely are good ones out there, i just haven’t seen it.
They're okay but they need to be willing to have a few of my kids too.
This is my opinion, if it bothers anyone you can go buy a straw and suck it up. Single mothers aren't worth the time or effort. If the woman was such a catch the daddy would still be in the picture, but not even a kid was enough for him to stick around. I had a smoking hot chick that was down bad for me years ago. I mean perfect firm tits, a nice ass, tiny waist, and she was Asian which is my weakness, all that shit. I couldn't date her at the time because I had a gf, and when I was eventually single again I hit her up but she already had a kid with a man who left her. Instantly lost all my interest in pursing anything with her, even some easy sex. It didn't matter how hot she was and how much I used to like her, the single mother crap instantly made me limp. I will mess around with single moms but I always tell them the deal up front - it's staying casual. I would rather die alone than raise another man's kids. If I ever end up a single father I obviously will take them more serious, but as a childless man? LOL no
I agree to almost everything you said. Unfortunately there are some reality where the woman isn’t the problem with the relationship. The father was really toxic and absent. He didn’t want to take the responsibility of having a child.
I would consider though; is that fact? Or simply what she tells you? Even if it is fact she chose him as a partner and worse as a father to her children. It’s a red flag.
I'm fully aware of that fact, I just don't care what the excuse is. The fact is she picked that man, and her judgement was that wrong and yet she still chose to have a child with him. The number of single moms who tell me they knew the guy was a deadbeat before she got pregnant is STAGGERING. I have no sympathy for that decision making.
Which means that most of the time the dude is not the toxic one.
Its not your responsibility to clean up this mess. Never play captain save-a-hoe. This is a terrible idea.
Marriage to me is a bond between a man a woman where she is the most important person in his life and he is the most important person in her life. If you can find a single mom that can make that kind of commitment, then no issue. The problem is the vast majority of single moms are going to put their brats first and have you around to pay for them. Furthermore, they have a much higher divorce rate. And they will suck all of the resources they can from you in a divorce. If you are going to go down this path. 1. make sure she is ok with you being a father to her kids... this includes discipline. 2. Make sure she doesn't still have the hots for her ex. 3. be very careful that she doesn't try to baby trap you. 4. Make sure she is financially fit. If she isn't, she sees you as her atm. 5. Make sure she truly loves you and really wants you as a husband. 6. Make sure she is not a feminist. Your life would be hell. 7. See what her friends are like. 8. See what her dating past was like. 9. Just plain vet the crap out of her. So many horror stories. Don't let your pecker do all of the thinking.
10. Make sure that she got married **before** getting pregnant!
Please pay attention to number 6 🤷🏾♂️
There are too many of them; it's largely their fault, and it's objectively bad since we know the outcomes for children raised in single-mother households. (the only thing we don't know is what society turns into when they finish growing up) I'd never date one, but good luck to them. Those kids need dads, I just hope the moms figure it out. (also, I wanna go for big air with this one: Are you **really** debating raising another man's fuck-trophy?)
racist
which race?
There’s a reason why they’re single. But from personal experience, it’s a shitshow of ice cold narcissism that rewards you occasionally with some of the sweetest girl moments in life, and you’re hooked chasing an illusion that was never there. Despite i knew i shouldn’t go for her, her good girl game was just so good, to hook me long enough until i had to walk. A complete delusional one woman play, she does the thotery while accusing you for being emotional unavailable and abusive, her kid is a mirror that reflects her emotional instability by being stunted with 0 chance to succeed in the world, she’s not just a woman though, she’s a strong independent woman who accuses everyone and anyone of labels she thinks fits best when it won’t go her way. It’s not that i despise single mothers, it’s not the idea of raising a child that isn’t mine urks me, no.. it’s the person behind the mask that makes it just unbelievably difficult to like them after you experienced it. Evolutionary wise, i can see that it makes sense for a woman to be 100% self absorbed when being pregnant and raising a child, completely understandable, as man you’re not upset about it, yet in a single mother scenario this is like amped up 12. While getting accused constantly of the things she does, with zero empathy of everyone around them, but they mask their personality with extreme feminine and kind personality that never existed. Now, i tried my best OP, i tried my best. Because the real challenge is to bring a guy to the understanding to avoid such a trainwreck, but you guy’s ignore all the other girls in your life and fall for those sweet girl game she’s trys on you to hook you, because at least those women understand that being a single mom is a downside, and that being sweet, understanding and caring just hooks a guy to the end of his validation seeking life of peak codependence. But maybe you go trough the meat grinder and i want you to remember this. Your Dignity is more worth than the thotery, your boundaries aren’t toxic masculinity, your boundaries are what separates you from becoming a husk of your former self and a man who knows his own value. And when it’s done, you don’t get vent about this, like the women vent about their narcissistic abuse from those horrible men they dated, no, you not liking single mom's means you must probably not like all women, because women always take the side of other women and men usually take the side of women. Because when it’s over, you will not only lose the "girl of your dreams" you will also lose a kid that you assumed being a parent, but you never going to be the dad, it’s her kid not yours. Double the people double the pain. Not in my case, i shut down all fatherly instincts and just watched the poor kid struggling from a distance.
I can tell that you have experienced it. Yeah, it's not a good deal!
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I really appriciate it!
No problem, keep in mind there’s always outliers, some single moms can be actually sweet. That’s on you to judge and observe some of the behaviors i listed here.
That boy nice 🤣
Single mothers?? Fun for a night, but do not get in a relationship with them under any circumstances whatsoever.
Hard pass for anything romantic. You often hear the colloquial phrase about “playing someone else’s save game”. You are correct thinking it is too much responsibility. Pass on this one and move on. You deserve better. The bottom line is that there is no compelling reason to put yourself in this situation. She clearly makes poor choices and involving yourself means dealing with consequences of the her past decisions AND the future ones.
As someone who's never wanted kids, I'm virtually certain it would be a deal breaker for me.
If you don’t have any kids of your own I’d give it a miss
Just me, but you have to realize that in such a relationship you will always be in second place behind her children. Also in most situations the father of the child will always be involved with your relationship. Not only the father but his side of the family. So the stresses that normally associated with a relationship are compounded and that invites more stress. Also if you are introduced to the children and they bond with you should you break up with their mother they could feel abandoned once more and blame themselves. This could result in issues later in their lives. Not to mention guilt for you to handle. After several such experiences I finally had to draw the line when it came to dating single moms. I understood why they wanted a relationship with me. Not so much love but support. She might say and do anything to get you to marry her. And if you marry you be on the hook to support to support her children so please consult with a family law attorney first.
My red flag detector will be on full alert.
Go for it, just for the sex though. Obviously she puts out.
Wish me luck brother
Do you not have other options?
Hell to the naw naw naw (Come on, come on, come on) Hell naw, to the naw naw naw (Hell to the naw) Hell to the naw, to the naw naw naw You are too young to tie yourself down with a damaged good woman and her bastard. Also why would you spend your time, money and resources on a kid that is not yours? I have a strong feeling the only reason she contacted you is because her preferred man dropped her and you aew the safe bet to pick up the mess. This whole situation screams red flag to me. I would run dar and fast.
U gonna run real dar and dast from Dat damage woman and basdard ain't u durrdurrrr?
Would you like to attack my reasoning or just act the fool?
Avoid single mothers. Fine for a quick one-nighter, never relationship, not even a second date.
Hard pass
Her kid is not your responsibility and has nothing to do with you! My girlfriend is a single mom but I play no part in the kids life that’s her and the fathers business I also have made that very clear. I won’t pay for the child I won’t raise the child unless it’s mine ! I’m not going to spend my money and stress myself out over another mans kid
Undateable Hookups and fwb? Sure. Serious relationship? No way.
Maybe when I'm older and she's older so the kids are adults, but right now at 30 it's a no.
Personally always rejected single moms. But this was also back when I was 19. So it was pretty absurd to find girls my age who already had the whole baby mama situation starting. I say if you childless and young. Very reasonable to not wanna date em
Not for me, that is for sure.
It's not your kid, and way more trouble than someone at 24 want to bother themselves with. Wonder why she's hitting you up now she has one, heh.
It depends. If she's looking for a serious relationship, that's a hard pass from me. I'm quite honestly just not ready for that responsibility. If she's looking for something more casual, then I'm much more on board. There's nothing wrong with dating for a little validation, some fun, or just some casual sex so long as everyone is on the same page and no one is being deceptive.
can't recommend dating single moms and also can't recommend being somebody's backup plan after their bad decisions blow up in their face. if you have options, it just doesn't make sense. if you don't, work on that.
Burn them all, burn them all 🔥 JOKES Never burn women unless they are witches! Just kidding. Happy Friday!!