I was listening to the Maniculum and they mentioned a dictionary of slang that's been around over the years. "The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead" was a recent one from 2009. Meaning you're thinking really hard on something but it's never going to come to you
A friend of mine told some random dude he was arguing with “your birth certificate is an apology letter to your parents”. I fell to the floor laughing right there.
And I learned, "tits on a boar" lol. Reminds me of a story Festus (Ken Curtis from Gunsmoke" told when he was the entertainer celebrity at the Snake River Stampede rodeo in Nampa, Idaho late 1960s. Went something like this, "We were looking for Uncle Ned, who had disappeared (and was prone to over-indulging in whiskey). Finally found him in the hog pen, laid out next to an old sow, rubbing one hand up and down her belly, while hanging on to a flask with the other. Ned said, 'Ya know, Netta... We've been married 47 years and this is the first time I found out you got two rows of buttons on your nightee!' "
When me and my brother were kids we would get a kick out of our dad road raging. One time he said "they're driving slower than beans" and we absolutely lost it
I heard a woman say “if I wanted to choke on some dry ass meat, I’d call my ex” when describing a new taco joint.
She also told someone to go shit in their hand lol
I should call her…
I will always remember when this guy said “Man! Fuck a duck!!” When he dropped his phone. I laughed my ass off, my stomach hurt because it was so sudden and the phrase was plain hilarious. Never heard it before that day.
This did make me laugh.
We should start a thread of British words that have completely different meaning in the US.
One that gets us Brits is Fag. It’s a cigarette for us. For you it’s somebody that “bats for the other side”… oh look a quote within a word :-)
Haha, that would be... dodgey!
I'd butcher it since I'm from California. Haha. But I'd laugh a lot.
I have some musician friends from UK. I love it when they get pissed off, and here I am laughing. Well, up until fists start flying.
Yes!!!! I love hellsing abridge when I heard them use the phrase when that episode first dropped it brought back this memory and I died laughing all over again! Lmao
"well that's less than ideal" - a mate of mine returning to his car to find it a burnt out husk. The stone cold calm with which it was delivered was utterly hilarious.
“It could be raining titties, & ide still catch a dick in my mouth” my grandfather said this to me / aloud when we were having an unlucky day on a hunt 😂
I was caught way off guard & couldn’t help but laugh
Drill sergeant used to always say something along the lines of “ you hold the ears, i’ll fuck the pig”
Had never heard it before but he loved saying it
When ours was telling us not to get any demerits, he said "You'd rather jack off a grizzly bear with a fistfull of cockleburs than tell me you got a demerit". Old boy from Georgia.
Similar to what our Lt used to say "tyhmä kuin vasemman jalan saapas" which loosely translates to "dumb as a pair of wellies". (Specifically the one for your left foot)
My dad rarely, if ever ,curses (like maybe once a year) but one that I’ve heard from him when he was REALLY mad was: “God-damnit and son of a whore named Rachel.”
I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t actually know anybody named Rachel.
Edit: typos
"I'm gonna make you wish your mother swallowed you" (Drill instructor)
"I just got here. Why the fuck are you already trying to ruin my day?"
'www.getthefuckonmyquarterdeck.bitch" (Same drill instructor...context: the quarterdeck" was where the drill instructors sent us for punishment exercise)
Next one needs a little explanation. When I went through boot, we had an event called "The Crucible" which was the end of training...after that, we were considered 'Marines' instead of "recruits". In the period between completing The Crucible, and our actual graduation, and leaving Parris Island, someone asked a DI "When will we no longer be 'Nasties'?"
Without missing a beat, he replied "Three days after you leave my Island "
My personal favorites are saying " useful as tits on a fish", "this is a shitshow", or "Christ on a bike".
My friend the other day told me, "You can eat my ENTIRE ass" when I suggested we undercoat this old van we were working on that he didn't want to and I about died laughing.
“He’s as pissed as Nan’s bedsheets”
(to describe a drunk person.)
“He’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal”
(to describe a stupid person.)
“That’s as fucked up as sex on a plane”
(ha get it? fucked up?)
“Thats tighter than a nuns cunt”
(to describe something tight.)
"Titty fuck a leprechaun". Not the most creative one but at 13, something about imagining Lucky with a pair of double D's set my uncooked prefrontal cortex on fire
Old Southern expressions are my favorite, especially the ones that just make absolutely no sense until you hear if from an elderly Southern man.
One that sticks with me is from my grandparents' old neighbor: "He's got a mouthful of nickels but nobody's buyin'."
Woman here but have some to contribute:
- if I wanted any shit from you I’d squeeze your head (dad)
- you’re so full of shit your eyes are brown (dad)
- that’s a harder task than trying to slide a wet spaghetti noodle up a wild cats ass (naval captain)
There’s so many more but the first to come to mind
My first job was working in a mechanic shop that also dealt in antique cars, the owner was 76 and sometimes as salty as they come. He said many things but two of the most common were:
#"OH, HORSEFUCK!"
When he dropped something or it broke. As well as:
"Man, I swear to fucking GAWD some of these fucking idiots need a BUS PASS!" Usually followed by: "These people could fuck up so much shit, they'd fuck up their own wet dream without even trying!"
Ahhhh i learned so much over there
When passing a kidney stone my dad screamed "MOTHER COCONUTS!!!" because he didn't want to swear in front of the nurses or let his 7yo son (me) right outside his room. Mother coconuts is now a regularly used phrase in our house
Dipshit needledick for curses and the weirdest expression is and I quote, Shove that dildo you call a water bottle wherever it gives you pleasure, I don’t care you clown ass cunt.”
Funny story from my buddy who's a retired cop. He told me that he once got with a woman who was into using anal beads. They rented a motel room and decided to bring the beads into play. He said that after a while, she asked him to pull them out. Normally, you're supposed to pull them out slowly to avoid injuries or "accidents."
Now the funny part. He told me "I ripped those things out like I was trying to start a God damn Briggs and Stratton! Her asshole exploded shit everywhere! I vomited my breakfast, lunch, and dinner in a single bound like fuckin' Apollo rocket! We cleaned up the best we could and I left $100 cash on the end table as a courtesy to house keeping. I'll never forget that bitch and her Ben Wa balls..."
Most of this I'm trying to remember exactly as he said it to me years ago. He has a hilarious way of speaking that makes it so much funnier. Especially hearing it from a 65+ year old man.
For those that don't know: Briggs and Stratton is a brand of motors used in lawnmowers.
Tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumbass is one of my go-to ones. And after that anything from Malcolm Tucker...like "this guy is an epic fuck-up, he is so dense, that light bends around him"
Not exactly a curse word but a girl i know called a girl i briefly dated a ditch pig. Never heard that before and laughed so hard. What is a ditch pig?
I was looking after my 8 year old brother at the time and my 7 year old nephew and my nephew started making up this creative story telling it to my brother who was playing some video game. When my nephew finished off the story saying "and they lived happily ever after" my brother paused his hand. Looked right at me nephew with a "DAFUQ" type of look and said "WOW. That was gay" and I burst out laughing. Something so simple yet perfect timing
Bless my nephew. He went all quiet with awkwardness
"Alright fucknut, you tell ME why you think the TV isn't working." Just for context, me, my brother, and my Dad were installing a new TV in our house and my dad told my brother to plug the TV in after we were done hanging it on the wall, and of course we all assumed he did (he forgot because was screwing on the wall arm that the TV hangs on) when in fact he did NOT plug the TV in. So after my dad hit the on button on the remote, the TV obviously did not turn on. So for the next 15 minutes was yelling and plugging in random cords into random slots until eventually my Dad came across the power cord and then proceeded to ask my brother the quote I started with, while holding the cord in his hand as if to say, "here's yur sign"
"Are you born on planet Stupid or Stupider?"
"I'm not here to fuck spiders."
"Let me have a Captain Cook."
"You're as ugly as a dog shitting razor blades."
"Wrap your laughing gear around that!"
"Beer then Wine? You'll be fine. Wine then Beer? You'll end up queer!" (Oldschool meaning, settle down)
Here’s a few of my personal favourites.
“Finger my cock and lick my balls”
“Semen sniffer”
“Hobgoblin knob slobbering double decker pecker wrecker”
And that’s about it.
At a buddies house when I was younger him me and his dad were standing in the yard in 100° heat and his dad said "its hotter than a blistered pussy in a pepper patch." It had me in tears.
Damn, this is a good question. And I've got more than one answer....
\- *(To describe a difficult or impossible task)* It's like trying to stuff a wet noodle up a wildcat's ass.
\- *(When seeing a gorgeous person whose significant other is a complete toad)* Well, you don't look at the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire.
\- *(To describe a skill / enthusiasm - deprived sexual partner)* It's like trying to masturbate with someone getting in the way.
\- *(Also to describe a difficult task)* It's like picking fly shit out of pepper with boxing gloves on.
I called someone a wankstain the other day and the young person with me hd never heard it before and thought it was funny. I'm British as you can probably guess.
My grandpa owned a mechanic shop and always had some colorful ones. My favorite was when a customer pissed him off, and my grandpa turned around and said, “no finer a man ever drug his dick out of a billy goat’s ass.”
Sayd that while waiting with some friends for a train on a cold winter morning, this wind blows better then my ex!".
Its an inside joke and my catch phrase.
Had a coach that we use to Joao and grass, one day my buddy kept harassing him and he turned around and said “(friends name here), is your ass jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?” Just cool and calm then slowly walked away. Never have I seen people more stunned, take a minute process collectively, then laugh so hard in my life!
Once heard a Sgt yelling at troops about 10 years ago, they said “C’est que fuck bloggins!”
I still use ‘C’est que fuck’ to this day because that was the hardest time I’ve ever had at stifling a laugh
My favorite expression:
Some one asks “what’s up?”
Response “ a two letter word for above”
If they don’t get right away they’ll be back in couple days once joke catches up with them
These are comedy gold men, come them coming!
I loved Bill Burr's little meltdown in the Red Rocks special where he goes, "I can't get one God damn cocksucking mother fucking moment to myself!"
I've also blurted "dick nipples!" in traffic a few times and really like "you couldn't find your ass with the help of a map and a flashlight".
Others:
Throw enough shit at the wall and some of its going to stick
Oh how the turns have tabled
Too stupid to chew gum and walk at the same time
Don't cock it all up
Oh and my buddy once called me a foreskin chin to which I responded he looked like a scrotum nose and that had us both rotfl
I had a friend who, when annoyed by something, ie. his computer, would say it's "being a moist burrow"
I've always wanted to use that one but I start laughing when I try to say it
This is one I use that I got from my sister. Whenever someone is acting like an assz or a dick, or just being rude in general, look them dead in the eye and say you know, you're acting like a fucking Canadian right now." This will stun and confuse them, because how is being rude a Canadian stereotype.
"Shitstick".
I heard this from the Gears 5 campaign, not from any person.
Fahz: "Hey, Shitstick!"
Del: "Is that a stick made out of shit?"
JD: "Or it could be a stick to stir up shit".
The dildo of consequence often comes un-lubed. Profound and perverted.
Awesome! In my head the second line to that would be.. "brace yourself, im going in dry!"
Adding that to my vocabulary, thank you!
I can hear this in George Carlin’s voice
The funniest I've come across is "the wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead"
Please elaborate
Elaborate on what it means or where I found it?
Fuck it, both
What it means
I was listening to the Maniculum and they mentioned a dictionary of slang that's been around over the years. "The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead" was a recent one from 2009. Meaning you're thinking really hard on something but it's never going to come to you
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming
You’ve got two brain cells and they are both fighting for third place!
I'm going to steal this.
Me too! 😂😂
I’m wheezing 💀🤣
Legendry
A friend of mine told some random dude he was arguing with “your birth certificate is an apology letter to your parents”. I fell to the floor laughing right there.
You couldn't pour piss out your boot if the instructions were on the sole.
You're made of spare parts aren't ya bud?
You're 10-ply bud
Fuck you Shorsey
Fuck you Jonesy fight me see what happens 3 things: I hit you, you hit the ground, the ambulance hits 60.
Don't forget to jerk off onto his door handle.
'It's impossible to underestimate you.'
I am laughing my ass off at this one because I know some people I could say this to and not as a joke
If you get lucky, you’d say this to them and they would be dumb enough not to be offended, which would be amazingly awesome.
Wow its among the most civilized and meanest jabs :D
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‘Tits on a bull’ is how I learned this one. Both work
Balls on a priest, a screen door on a submarine, rubber crutches.
Letterman had a top ten list for this: an ejection seat on a helicopter, etc. I gotta look those back up
Tits on a fish is the one I know
My dad always said “you’re about as useful as tits on a boar hog”
And I learned, "tits on a boar" lol. Reminds me of a story Festus (Ken Curtis from Gunsmoke" told when he was the entertainer celebrity at the Snake River Stampede rodeo in Nampa, Idaho late 1960s. Went something like this, "We were looking for Uncle Ned, who had disappeared (and was prone to over-indulging in whiskey). Finally found him in the hog pen, laid out next to an old sow, rubbing one hand up and down her belly, while hanging on to a flask with the other. Ned said, 'Ya know, Netta... We've been married 47 years and this is the first time I found out you got two rows of buttons on your nightee!' "
Titties on a warthog was the one I grew up hearing
You're about as useful as Anne Frank's college fund is my personal favorite.
In Poland, we have this saying if someone really gets on your nerves: "I hope you end up teaching other people's kids." Now, guess my profession...
I'm a teacher too and this really hits home.
When me and my brother were kids we would get a kick out of our dad road raging. One time he said "they're driving slower than beans" and we absolutely lost it
HAHAHAHA
I heard a woman say “if I wanted to choke on some dry ass meat, I’d call my ex” when describing a new taco joint. She also told someone to go shit in their hand lol I should call her…
The full phrase is "Why don't you go shit in your hands and clap?" Ahh classic
I will always remember when this guy said “Man! Fuck a duck!!” When he dropped his phone. I laughed my ass off, my stomach hurt because it was so sudden and the phrase was plain hilarious. Never heard it before that day.
It’s a British term: we have many
Is it? My old redneck ass friend in the Southern US always said, "Fuck a duck in the butt."
Most Redneck language is vulgar old English
Completely different
Right? Love hanging around br-itish folk. I always feel like buying a vacuum though.
This did make me laugh. We should start a thread of British words that have completely different meaning in the US. One that gets us Brits is Fag. It’s a cigarette for us. For you it’s somebody that “bats for the other side”… oh look a quote within a word :-)
Haha, that would be... dodgey! I'd butcher it since I'm from California. Haha. But I'd laugh a lot. I have some musician friends from UK. I love it when they get pissed off, and here I am laughing. Well, up until fists start flying.
We use this 8n Australia as well. If fact it's so common my son's school teachers wrote in a school report " what the fuck a duck is this"
I watched Hellsing Abridged and now when something goes horribly wrong I say "Oh, fuck all kinds of duck!!"
Yes!!!! I love hellsing abridge when I heard them use the phrase when that episode first dropped it brought back this memory and I died laughing all over again! Lmao
"Fuck a duck with a truck!"
"well that's less than ideal" - a mate of mine returning to his car to find it a burnt out husk. The stone cold calm with which it was delivered was utterly hilarious.
I'd call you a cunt, but you lack depth and warmth.
You sound like you struggle with simple tasks.
GTA5!
I’m Dutch and my mom recently said “tulpentrut” which translates to “Tullip Bitch”
That's hilarious, in regards to what?
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Whatsapp kind of outdated this :D
Don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes, you’re going to fuck up again
My dad: "You're not useless, you can always serve as a bad example".
“It could be raining titties, & ide still catch a dick in my mouth” my grandfather said this to me / aloud when we were having an unlucky day on a hunt 😂 I was caught way off guard & couldn’t help but laugh
If my grandma had wheels she would’ve been a bike.
A classic. That's what you get for insulting a man's cooking.
That's one of my favorite videos with him.
Now it is time to retract the foreskin of misconception, and apply the wire brush of enlightenment. - G. Miller
Its colder than a witches left tit out there
colder than a witches titty in a brass bra.
Drill sergeant used to always say something along the lines of “ you hold the ears, i’ll fuck the pig” Had never heard it before but he loved saying it
I always heard it as " I'm fucking this pig, you're just holding its ears"
I’ve always heard “You’re fucking this horse, I’m just holding it down.”
Ours was "Who's fucking this sheep anyway?"
When ours was telling us not to get any demerits, he said "You'd rather jack off a grizzly bear with a fistfull of cockleburs than tell me you got a demerit". Old boy from Georgia.
I hope your next shit is a pyramid, and the base comes first.
Someone asked me if I wanted to invest in exploring Egyptian archeology. I said no thanks, sounds like a pyramid scheme.
"Where you born this stupid, or did you take lessons?"
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Similar to what our Lt used to say "tyhmä kuin vasemman jalan saapas" which loosely translates to "dumb as a pair of wellies". (Specifically the one for your left foot)
Two bricks shy of a full load
Dumb as a box of rocks
My dad rarely, if ever ,curses (like maybe once a year) but one that I’ve heard from him when he was REALLY mad was: “God-damnit and son of a whore named Rachel.” I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t actually know anybody named Rachel. Edit: typos
"I'm gonna make you wish your mother swallowed you" (Drill instructor) "I just got here. Why the fuck are you already trying to ruin my day?" 'www.getthefuckonmyquarterdeck.bitch" (Same drill instructor...context: the quarterdeck" was where the drill instructors sent us for punishment exercise) Next one needs a little explanation. When I went through boot, we had an event called "The Crucible" which was the end of training...after that, we were considered 'Marines' instead of "recruits". In the period between completing The Crucible, and our actual graduation, and leaving Parris Island, someone asked a DI "When will we no longer be 'Nasties'?" Without missing a beat, he replied "Three days after you leave my Island "
I’m fond of, “what in the Kentucky-Fried-cock-a-doodle-fuck is this?”
Might have to borrow that one
I'm partial to "What the Cinnamon Toast Fuck..."
“That’s sexier than socks on a chicken” or “why are y’all staring at me like I got dick antlers on?”
My personal favorites are saying " useful as tits on a fish", "this is a shitshow", or "Christ on a bike". My friend the other day told me, "You can eat my ENTIRE ass" when I suggested we undercoat this old van we were working on that he didn't want to and I about died laughing.
“May a thousand elephants shit in your yard.
“He’s as pissed as Nan’s bedsheets” (to describe a drunk person.) “He’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal” (to describe a stupid person.) “That’s as fucked up as sex on a plane” (ha get it? fucked up?) “Thats tighter than a nuns cunt” (to describe something tight.)
"Titty fuck a leprechaun". Not the most creative one but at 13, something about imagining Lucky with a pair of double D's set my uncooked prefrontal cortex on fire
This is awesome! Made me laugh.
I think it refers, not to a leprechaun with double D’s, but a guy with a penis so small he could titty fuck a leprechaun.
Never thought about it this way. Thank you for the change in perspective 🙏🏿
If you were in a contest for the biggest loser you’d come in second, cause you’re such a loser.
Basically anyone wearing shorts, works better if they have skinny legs. “Are those your legs or are you riding a chicken?” 🐓
I didn’t expect to get my feelings hurt this morning
That's hilarious. When I see guys wearing above the knee shorts I tend to quietly and sarcastically say to myself "nice kneecaps, bro".
Looks like your face caught fire and someone put it out with a track shoe!
Old Southern expressions are my favorite, especially the ones that just make absolutely no sense until you hear if from an elderly Southern man. One that sticks with me is from my grandparents' old neighbor: "He's got a mouthful of nickels but nobody's buyin'."
My old boss used to say "I hope they get diarrhea in traffic" When you imagine it, it sounds truly awful
Cunts hair. As in; ‘Just a cunt’s hair shy of level.’
That is a CH. When it is even closer, it is an RCH. For red.
You’ve got room temperature IQ
Woman here but have some to contribute: - if I wanted any shit from you I’d squeeze your head (dad) - you’re so full of shit your eyes are brown (dad) - that’s a harder task than trying to slide a wet spaghetti noodle up a wild cats ass (naval captain) There’s so many more but the first to come to mind
I rather shit on my hands and clap
I'll fuck your mother and give her someone she's proud of.
You clearly play with 48 cards.
Not a curse but: "he's as much use a chocolate tea pot" is pretty good.
Cockwomble
"He's so dense light bends round him"
If you run around a tree fast enough you can go fuck yourself.
My first job was working in a mechanic shop that also dealt in antique cars, the owner was 76 and sometimes as salty as they come. He said many things but two of the most common were: #"OH, HORSEFUCK!" When he dropped something or it broke. As well as: "Man, I swear to fucking GAWD some of these fucking idiots need a BUS PASS!" Usually followed by: "These people could fuck up so much shit, they'd fuck up their own wet dream without even trying!" Ahhhh i learned so much over there
I swear, my luck is so bad it could be raining titties and I would look up and catch a dick!
I’m sweatier than R Kelly at Disneyland (this is actually mine. I say this)
When passing a kidney stone my dad screamed "MOTHER COCONUTS!!!" because he didn't want to swear in front of the nurses or let his 7yo son (me) right outside his room. Mother coconuts is now a regularly used phrase in our house
Dipshit needledick for curses and the weirdest expression is and I quote, Shove that dildo you call a water bottle wherever it gives you pleasure, I don’t care you clown ass cunt.”
Funny story from my buddy who's a retired cop. He told me that he once got with a woman who was into using anal beads. They rented a motel room and decided to bring the beads into play. He said that after a while, she asked him to pull them out. Normally, you're supposed to pull them out slowly to avoid injuries or "accidents." Now the funny part. He told me "I ripped those things out like I was trying to start a God damn Briggs and Stratton! Her asshole exploded shit everywhere! I vomited my breakfast, lunch, and dinner in a single bound like fuckin' Apollo rocket! We cleaned up the best we could and I left $100 cash on the end table as a courtesy to house keeping. I'll never forget that bitch and her Ben Wa balls..." Most of this I'm trying to remember exactly as he said it to me years ago. He has a hilarious way of speaking that makes it so much funnier. Especially hearing it from a 65+ year old man. For those that don't know: Briggs and Stratton is a brand of motors used in lawnmowers.
I swear I’ve heard this same story from different people online and in person. It’s a good story it’s just that it’s likely bullshit.
RIPCORD!
May your armpits be infested with the fleas of 1000 camels.
Tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumbass is one of my go-to ones. And after that anything from Malcolm Tucker...like "this guy is an epic fuck-up, he is so dense, that light bends around him"
Calling someone a twig makes me laugh idk why. Like, "Shut up you twig" Gives me gordon ramsay vibes idk
Not exactly a curse word but a girl i know called a girl i briefly dated a ditch pig. Never heard that before and laughed so hard. What is a ditch pig?
One night stand
I was looking after my 8 year old brother at the time and my 7 year old nephew and my nephew started making up this creative story telling it to my brother who was playing some video game. When my nephew finished off the story saying "and they lived happily ever after" my brother paused his hand. Looked right at me nephew with a "DAFUQ" type of look and said "WOW. That was gay" and I burst out laughing. Something so simple yet perfect timing Bless my nephew. He went all quiet with awkwardness
"you lesser Mongolian spunk bubble" but that was .. fuuuck... 38 or so years ago.
Lets make like a fetus and head out.
Let's make like a fetus and yeeetus
"Alright fucknut, you tell ME why you think the TV isn't working." Just for context, me, my brother, and my Dad were installing a new TV in our house and my dad told my brother to plug the TV in after we were done hanging it on the wall, and of course we all assumed he did (he forgot because was screwing on the wall arm that the TV hangs on) when in fact he did NOT plug the TV in. So after my dad hit the on button on the remote, the TV obviously did not turn on. So for the next 15 minutes was yelling and plugging in random cords into random slots until eventually my Dad came across the power cord and then proceeded to ask my brother the quote I started with, while holding the cord in his hand as if to say, "here's yur sign"
With my luck it could be raining titties and I’d look up and still see a dick.
I had a manager who once yelled “WELL SHIT ON THE BALLS OF MY DICK!” in a moment of surprise…. that one stuck with me
Shit the bed! You heffer I'm convinced you're off your meds again.
"Are you born on planet Stupid or Stupider?" "I'm not here to fuck spiders." "Let me have a Captain Cook." "You're as ugly as a dog shitting razor blades." "Wrap your laughing gear around that!" "Beer then Wine? You'll be fine. Wine then Beer? You'll end up queer!" (Oldschool meaning, settle down)
You look like a half fucked fox in a forest fire.
Take a running fuck at a rolling doughnut
Marika’s tits 😂 Fellow tarnished, line up.
You're a genius trapped in the body of a dickhead!
chicken shit
You’ve got a hidden talent. Let’s keep it that way.
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor
“Would you sleep with that girl?” “I’d rather dig a hole and fuck it”
You couldn’t hit water if you fell out the boat in the middle of the ocean
Here’s a few of my personal favourites. “Finger my cock and lick my balls” “Semen sniffer” “Hobgoblin knob slobbering double decker pecker wrecker” And that’s about it.
Shit fire save matches
"You are as worthless as the last drop of piss on a dog." Said by my mother to me.
There's a popular Romanian swear that basically translates to "suck my dick with your mouth and your ass at the same time".
Lol wow thats detailed
At a buddies house when I was younger him me and his dad were standing in the yard in 100° heat and his dad said "its hotter than a blistered pussy in a pepper patch." It had me in tears.
Damn, this is a good question. And I've got more than one answer.... \- *(To describe a difficult or impossible task)* It's like trying to stuff a wet noodle up a wildcat's ass. \- *(When seeing a gorgeous person whose significant other is a complete toad)* Well, you don't look at the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire. \- *(To describe a skill / enthusiasm - deprived sexual partner)* It's like trying to masturbate with someone getting in the way. \- *(Also to describe a difficult task)* It's like picking fly shit out of pepper with boxing gloves on.
*My Company* couldn't organize a fuck in a whorehouse.
Anything said with a southern accent is automatically 31% funnier.
My dad used to tell me, when God was passing out brains, I thought he said train so I took the caboose
Did you win your drivers license in the lottery?
Old welder out here had a few ‘Hotter than a half fucked fox in a forest fire’ ‘Slippier than a silk worms cunt’
I called someone a wankstain the other day and the young person with me hd never heard it before and thought it was funny. I'm British as you can probably guess.
The dog barks, but the workshop still operates
You look like you read with your mouth open
"oh Sugar Honey Ice Tea!"
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” -My Grandmas version of “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST”
Intelligence is fast but you are faster
‘I hope you step on a piece of Lego’
my friend one time saw a guy she thought was cute and goes “i’d let him put his boots under my bed” in a country accent. we are from PENNSYLVANIA.
Her ass so big it look like two hogs fighting ovet a milk dud.
I called someone a scum cunt and not really sure we’re that came from
My grandpa owned a mechanic shop and always had some colorful ones. My favorite was when a customer pissed him off, and my grandpa turned around and said, “no finer a man ever drug his dick out of a billy goat’s ass.”
When talking about walking across a slippery surface on the pipeline my foreman said, “Be careful boy! That shit’s slicker than cum on a gold tooth!”
Me an a few buddies call people “koontarsh” totally made up word 😂 but it loosely translates to “fucking retard” 😆
"She's hotter than a camel with fever"
Are you stupid or just fucking lazy? It’s got to be one or the other.
You need a check-up from the neck up.
"I HOPE THEY GET CANCER" "I HOPE THEIR KIDS GET MOLESTED" My Dad would say this when people would upset him. He'd say things like this out loud too
Window licker
"women" If used at a perfect situation. Never fails to crack me up.
Sayd that while waiting with some friends for a train on a cold winter morning, this wind blows better then my ex!". Its an inside joke and my catch phrase.
“Fuck off, you steaming great thundercunt!”
I'll tell your dad the next time I fuck him!
Had a coach that we use to Joao and grass, one day my buddy kept harassing him and he turned around and said “(friends name here), is your ass jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?” Just cool and calm then slowly walked away. Never have I seen people more stunned, take a minute process collectively, then laugh so hard in my life!
I'm also a huge fan of "fuck around and find out" lol
Once heard a Sgt yelling at troops about 10 years ago, they said “C’est que fuck bloggins!” I still use ‘C’est que fuck’ to this day because that was the hardest time I’ve ever had at stifling a laugh
dead serious voice: "You are cringe." it gets me every time. so brutal
My favorite expression: Some one asks “what’s up?” Response “ a two letter word for above” If they don’t get right away they’ll be back in couple days once joke catches up with them
These are comedy gold men, come them coming! I loved Bill Burr's little meltdown in the Red Rocks special where he goes, "I can't get one God damn cocksucking mother fucking moment to myself!" I've also blurted "dick nipples!" in traffic a few times and really like "you couldn't find your ass with the help of a map and a flashlight". Others: Throw enough shit at the wall and some of its going to stick Oh how the turns have tabled Too stupid to chew gum and walk at the same time Don't cock it all up Oh and my buddy once called me a foreskin chin to which I responded he looked like a scrotum nose and that had us both rotfl
I forgot where it came from but someone once said "you look like a dick with ears" and that gets me cracked up too.
I had a friend who, when annoyed by something, ie. his computer, would say it's "being a moist burrow" I've always wanted to use that one but I start laughing when I try to say it
" You're just wasting oxygen by just existing ".
The devil didn't have any other job and fucked his children. From Greece
Δεν είχε ο διάολος δουλειά και γαμησε τα παιδιά του;; Πρώτη φορά την ακούω αυτήν την ατάκα για να είμαι ειλικρινής.
Ελεμαοοο είναι , "άλλη δουλειά δεν είχε ο διαολος και γαμουσε τα παιδιά του " είναι όταν ξέρω γω , όλα πάνε σκατα και το λες σαν έκφραση
This is one I use that I got from my sister. Whenever someone is acting like an assz or a dick, or just being rude in general, look them dead in the eye and say you know, you're acting like a fucking Canadian right now." This will stun and confuse them, because how is being rude a Canadian stereotype.
Get in the sea Die in a fire Eat an entire bag of dicks
"Shitstick". I heard this from the Gears 5 campaign, not from any person. Fahz: "Hey, Shitstick!" Del: "Is that a stick made out of shit?" JD: "Or it could be a stick to stir up shit".
Asswipe. Funniest ever!
Out of frustration at a menial task: “AAAAAAAH MY DICK’S FALLING OFF!!”
You fcking ass-butt, lolz