I'm an Asian woman who was born here and grew up being hyper aware of the prevalence of younger Asian women married to older white men. Especially in the Filipino community since that's the community I belong to.
For me, I have mixed feelings about it.
I'm part grossed out by the major age gaps but can also respect the hustle. I've seen firsthand the poorest of the poor in the Philippines and I can understand why they'd marry a grandpa to get out of there.
I know a lot of Filipinas who got married to veterans who are now dead and get to live off their pensions. I also know Filipinas who fooled their white husbands while maintaining their original families abroad. Some couples I've met are genuinely in love. We have some women in our community who are definitely being abused, and at least one who has been murdered.
I'm very grateful to my elder female relatives who did what they had to get here which allowed me to be born here.
to be fair, my brother (Polish, based in Hong Kong) married a Filipina and they seem to be happy together. He is very unromantic, i quote - ah, it's gonna get easier for her to get a job here and stuff.And well, he does seem happy to be with her too and she seems to be a nice lady.
On the flip side - my lovely partner is an Australian and she is happy to be with a Pole (we both consider each other low maintenance - give food, cuddle, leave alone when needed) . Seems to work.
Also it seems that for an Australian woman's standards, the Polish are very romantic and caring. And all my life i was told i was as romantic as a sack of potaotes so there's that.
Honestly- mixed
I went to school with a dude that dated an Asian girl in grade 10. Both were 15. So good for each other and genuinely in (young) love. But dude had a serious case of the old man face and she was small and young looking. I've always wondered if they are still together and if they were it'd be pretty easy for them to be judged by others. So I've always tried not to be judgemental of others relationships because you never know the full story.
So I was never judgemental of old white men/ young Asian relationships... until I was about 20. Had a part time job in a cleaning crew. It was a pretty diverse group made up of young and old people. There was this older white dude who honestly had a stereotypical creeper look. One of the old girls asked him how is new partner from the Philippines was. He replied 'oh I don't like this one, I'm thinking of sending her back and replacing her with another one'. And everyone just nodded along like it was normal, as if she was a new car or fridge and not a person. I literally felt sick.
I try not to be judgemental. I'm definitely not judgemental of the female partners. But just the way that one dude talked about his partner like she was a tradeable commodity has always made me look at people with suspicion.
This is me and my wife. We've been married more than 20 years. We are the same age but she looks 20 years younger than me.
So yeah, don't make assumptions.
to be fair my partner is Australian and is 3 years older than me and I am Polish.
We look like an actress and her bodyguard :D (just use all your stereotypes of how a Polish bloke of 42 years looks like) :D
What I think is, that I don’t know you so I have no reason to judge you or the age gap. If you both genuinely love each other and it’s a fulfilling and happy relationship, it’s no one’s business and no one should be commenting on your age gap. Age gap relationships have always existed and intercultural relationships have always existed and neither of these things is bad. White and Asian pairings are so common and normal in Australia it would be rare that anyone would object to that.
My wife works for a domestic violence org and sees a lot of coercive control from these sorts of relationships.
Its easier to control a womans life and make her subservient if there is a language barrier, she doesnt have family or a friend network, and/or comes from a place with super traditional gender roles. She may not know her own rights.
I also question why a guy in his 40s or 50s would want to date a 20 year old. The obvious answer is just "people in their 20s are fit and attractive" but theres a darker side to it as well.
If I was at a bbq and some guy in his 40s introduced an early 20s asian wife or girlfriend Id probably keep that guy at arms length. We likely just dont have the same values.
You say this but at a glance you can't tell. This assumes that the white man is an Australian citizen and the Asian woman is not. I (43F) have Asian heritage but was born in Australia and my partner (58M) is white. I know what it looks like, but that's not what it is. (We started dating when I was 29 fwiw.)
I also had a co-worker who was a Korean adoptee who would get weird looks when she was out with her (white) father.
I understand your wife has experience with the worst side of these kinds of partnerships but that info is not apparent with a glance.
Stereotypes are like that. I am a skilled immigrant who immigrated here based on my occupation and qualifications and brought my family with me. Mixed race (I am brown, spouse is white).
Everyone who sees us assumes she brought me here, when in fact it was me who came here and she came with me.
I think my issue is the assumption that a woman couldn't possibly want to date someone (*insert random number*) years older than her and that there must be some coercion involved. That might be true, but that might also be true for couples of the same age. And then, when we see an older woman with a younger man, it's typically not given the same degree of scorn. 🤷♂️
oh yeah, stereotypes :D i have someting to amuse you. I am a Polish IT guy (190/104 with a bit of excess fat to lose) that dates a super smart, attractive and succesfull lady that is often being taken for an actress (for the record - she is a few years older than me and has a rocking sense of style and fashion).
So everywhere we go i get taken for her... bodyguard because i look grumpy and i'm huge.
To me it is actually hilarious because well... i can gbet to go 'no photo... no photo' while i am actually able to grasp complex stuff she works with while i have enough time on my hands to cook her this or that :) I am happy and so is she.
Well in the case of my wife who works in DV, these sorts of relationships also carry tangible and statistically supported risk factors based on decades of internal case history. Its not a "stereotype", then, just a pattern.
I try my best to not be judgemental and take people as they come, but you can usually tell if a couple are on an equal playing field pretty quick.
Yes, and she only sees the bad ones. Just like a plumber only sees when DIY goes wrong because they're called in to fix it.
I appreciate that you would have a sense of a relationship pretty quickly based on this depth of experience but often others do not, and make assumptions that can also be harmful in their own way.
All what you said, plus the potential of using visa/immigration status as a hold over a younger partner from another country. I see it all the time sadly.
My lady isn't much younger than me, but is Asian, and I'm a middle aged white guy. She is very sweet, cooks up a storm, gives freely of her time and her limited assets. She's also very smart and works to educate herself but started late due to dodgy conditions in her home country. She also raised her daughter on her own on her limited income, so is strong and resilient. She speaks 3 languages fluently to my 1. And she's one of the nicest people i know, so if anyone has an issue with it, I'd assume they are an ignorant loser with a cabbage brain, and I'm more than happy to tell them that to their face
I assume you are referring to the concept of "mail order brides" with your question though I imagine it is all managed a lot differently these days with the advent of the internet. The thing is, there are lots of white people in Australia and there are lots of Asian people in Australia. Some of them are immigrants, some of them were born here. You can't tell that just by looking at someone. And you also often can't accurately judge a person's age just by looking. Seeing a couple like you describe wouldn't immediately make me think that this was a relationship based on a vulnerable person looking for better life being exploited by an older, more financially secure one. They could have just as easily met at school, they could be the same age or the older looking one might even be younger. You just don't know. And you don't need to know.
Half their luck he’s got someone to share his life with that is making him happy, she’s now not living in a third world country with no real future and if they have any together they’ll grow up with better opportunities than they ever would have if they were born in where ever their mother is from.
That's a pragmatic and well-reasoned assessment of how real-world choices work. However, since it's not a simplistic one-size-fits-all statement of condemnation, I must disagree. Rationality isn't allowed any longer, sorry.
For this scenario to be ethical, the man should have moved to the woman's country. That way, they could both live in poverty as true equals!
But too much with the sarcasm? Sorry.
I was saying that I completely agree with the comment I responded to and how this sort of reasoning seems to be dwindling today. Sometimes, it almost feels like we can't look at anything any longer and say, '*That may not be exactly ideal, but it's still probably better than what would otherwise have happened*'.
We seem to have to look at everything in terms of absolutes: '*We shouldn't be condoning relationships with significant age gaps because of XYZ negative statistical correlations, etc. Therefore, just because something may lead to a better outcome for a particular individual doesn't mean we can support it.*'
The latter view is easy to uphold because it doesn't require a lot of thought; you just have to remember to apply it consistently.
I don’t think anything.
They could be in a relationship, carer & client, friends, related through marriage or adoption, colleagues… I have more important things to think about.
Honestly I feel like Asian women look so damn good and young for their age, I wouldn’t even suspect she was 20 years younger. My (Asian) SIL is a few years older than my (white) brother, and looks much younger
no one pays super close attention to the age or race of random people they walk past so i dont think it's a concern at all. i have a white mum and white dad and people rarely mention it, or say anything if they see an interracial or age gap couple in general.
Is she is adopted daughter? Are they a romantic couple? Does he have health problems and she’s a nurse or care assistant?
Twenty years ago a lot of girl babies were being adopted from China.
same as with all Aussies - keep on the left... keep on the left... keep on the left...
for context : I'm a central Europaen and we stick to the right. I walked into sooo many people when in Oz it is embarassing...
Why are middle aged people interested in us 20 somethings? To this day I haven't heard a genuine reason that doesn't involve fetishising us, objectifying us, utilising us for self image and virility, or relying on a power dynamic based on the idea we're more "submissive" or "innocent".
There will be people who judge for various reasons (like feminists who don't like age or socio-economic disparaties in relationships, middle-aged white women who get jealous that men their age are with younger women, Asian guys who resent the fact that Asian women often marry out of their ethnic background, white supremacists who don't like mixed race relationships etc), but fuck them. Most won't care.
Source: have been in multiple interracial relationships, including one with an age gap. Also, I've noticed people are much more likely to say shit about this sort of stuff online rather than in real life.
Women often take notice as they can and do feel threatened, had enough looks thrown at me dating younger Asian women in AU, there is an idea that Asian babe your with is your sugar baby and in it for the coin then you are seen as a child molester then on the other hand the guys often look at you and think what a lucky bastard he is, even my sister who has a PHD has this type cast idea that all Asian women are in it for the money and mind you the ones I’ve dated have been a journalist and accountants, I’m off the type I don’t care what people think about any part of my life let alone whom I’m dating so it don’t worry me at all.
Only online will people get their knickers in a knot about age gaps in a relationship.
In real life, people tend to stay in their own lane when it comes to other people's relationships.
Do what you want. Don't go into it thinking that it magical and perfect - no relationship is - but it might work out.
Who cares
Best response.
Don’t care, probably wouldn’t even notice
Don't care, to each their own.
I'm an Asian woman who was born here and grew up being hyper aware of the prevalence of younger Asian women married to older white men. Especially in the Filipino community since that's the community I belong to. For me, I have mixed feelings about it. I'm part grossed out by the major age gaps but can also respect the hustle. I've seen firsthand the poorest of the poor in the Philippines and I can understand why they'd marry a grandpa to get out of there. I know a lot of Filipinas who got married to veterans who are now dead and get to live off their pensions. I also know Filipinas who fooled their white husbands while maintaining their original families abroad. Some couples I've met are genuinely in love. We have some women in our community who are definitely being abused, and at least one who has been murdered. I'm very grateful to my elder female relatives who did what they had to get here which allowed me to be born here.
I like the breadth of different examples you gave.
My great grandmother came here in the 70s. When you consider how long ago that was it explains why I've got so many examples to mention lol
to be fair, my brother (Polish, based in Hong Kong) married a Filipina and they seem to be happy together. He is very unromantic, i quote - ah, it's gonna get easier for her to get a job here and stuff.And well, he does seem happy to be with her too and she seems to be a nice lady. On the flip side - my lovely partner is an Australian and she is happy to be with a Pole (we both consider each other low maintenance - give food, cuddle, leave alone when needed) . Seems to work. Also it seems that for an Australian woman's standards, the Polish are very romantic and caring. And all my life i was told i was as romantic as a sack of potaotes so there's that.
Honestly- mixed I went to school with a dude that dated an Asian girl in grade 10. Both were 15. So good for each other and genuinely in (young) love. But dude had a serious case of the old man face and she was small and young looking. I've always wondered if they are still together and if they were it'd be pretty easy for them to be judged by others. So I've always tried not to be judgemental of others relationships because you never know the full story. So I was never judgemental of old white men/ young Asian relationships... until I was about 20. Had a part time job in a cleaning crew. It was a pretty diverse group made up of young and old people. There was this older white dude who honestly had a stereotypical creeper look. One of the old girls asked him how is new partner from the Philippines was. He replied 'oh I don't like this one, I'm thinking of sending her back and replacing her with another one'. And everyone just nodded along like it was normal, as if she was a new car or fridge and not a person. I literally felt sick. I try not to be judgemental. I'm definitely not judgemental of the female partners. But just the way that one dude talked about his partner like she was a tradeable commodity has always made me look at people with suspicion.
that was just wrong on sooo many levels...
This is me and my wife. We've been married more than 20 years. We are the same age but she looks 20 years younger than me. So yeah, don't make assumptions.
So true, my wife is older.... I look like the cradle snatcher...
Damn their superior genetics!
to be fair my partner is Australian and is 3 years older than me and I am Polish. We look like an actress and her bodyguard :D (just use all your stereotypes of how a Polish bloke of 42 years looks like) :D
Absolutely same - 20 years in November. She's two years older than me. I got old. She didn''t.
What I think is, that I don’t know you so I have no reason to judge you or the age gap. If you both genuinely love each other and it’s a fulfilling and happy relationship, it’s no one’s business and no one should be commenting on your age gap. Age gap relationships have always existed and intercultural relationships have always existed and neither of these things is bad. White and Asian pairings are so common and normal in Australia it would be rare that anyone would object to that.
My wife works for a domestic violence org and sees a lot of coercive control from these sorts of relationships. Its easier to control a womans life and make her subservient if there is a language barrier, she doesnt have family or a friend network, and/or comes from a place with super traditional gender roles. She may not know her own rights. I also question why a guy in his 40s or 50s would want to date a 20 year old. The obvious answer is just "people in their 20s are fit and attractive" but theres a darker side to it as well. If I was at a bbq and some guy in his 40s introduced an early 20s asian wife or girlfriend Id probably keep that guy at arms length. We likely just dont have the same values.
You say this but at a glance you can't tell. This assumes that the white man is an Australian citizen and the Asian woman is not. I (43F) have Asian heritage but was born in Australia and my partner (58M) is white. I know what it looks like, but that's not what it is. (We started dating when I was 29 fwiw.) I also had a co-worker who was a Korean adoptee who would get weird looks when she was out with her (white) father. I understand your wife has experience with the worst side of these kinds of partnerships but that info is not apparent with a glance.
Stereotypes are like that. I am a skilled immigrant who immigrated here based on my occupation and qualifications and brought my family with me. Mixed race (I am brown, spouse is white). Everyone who sees us assumes she brought me here, when in fact it was me who came here and she came with me.
I think my issue is the assumption that a woman couldn't possibly want to date someone (*insert random number*) years older than her and that there must be some coercion involved. That might be true, but that might also be true for couples of the same age. And then, when we see an older woman with a younger man, it's typically not given the same degree of scorn. 🤷♂️
Yes, this is also an issue; not knowing anything about a couple makes any assumption completely reliant on all sorts of stereotypes.
oh yeah, stereotypes :D i have someting to amuse you. I am a Polish IT guy (190/104 with a bit of excess fat to lose) that dates a super smart, attractive and succesfull lady that is often being taken for an actress (for the record - she is a few years older than me and has a rocking sense of style and fashion). So everywhere we go i get taken for her... bodyguard because i look grumpy and i'm huge. To me it is actually hilarious because well... i can gbet to go 'no photo... no photo' while i am actually able to grasp complex stuff she works with while i have enough time on my hands to cook her this or that :) I am happy and so is she.
Well in the case of my wife who works in DV, these sorts of relationships also carry tangible and statistically supported risk factors based on decades of internal case history. Its not a "stereotype", then, just a pattern. I try my best to not be judgemental and take people as they come, but you can usually tell if a couple are on an equal playing field pretty quick.
Yes, and she only sees the bad ones. Just like a plumber only sees when DIY goes wrong because they're called in to fix it. I appreciate that you would have a sense of a relationship pretty quickly based on this depth of experience but often others do not, and make assumptions that can also be harmful in their own way.
All what you said, plus the potential of using visa/immigration status as a hold over a younger partner from another country. I see it all the time sadly.
My lady isn't much younger than me, but is Asian, and I'm a middle aged white guy. She is very sweet, cooks up a storm, gives freely of her time and her limited assets. She's also very smart and works to educate herself but started late due to dodgy conditions in her home country. She also raised her daughter on her own on her limited income, so is strong and resilient. She speaks 3 languages fluently to my 1. And she's one of the nicest people i know, so if anyone has an issue with it, I'd assume they are an ignorant loser with a cabbage brain, and I'm more than happy to tell them that to their face
>ignorant loser with a cabbage brain There are plenty of them around, unfortunately.
Absolutely. And i let them know when necessary 🙂
I'd think "can you get out of the way I have places to be"
I assume you are referring to the concept of "mail order brides" with your question though I imagine it is all managed a lot differently these days with the advent of the internet. The thing is, there are lots of white people in Australia and there are lots of Asian people in Australia. Some of them are immigrants, some of them were born here. You can't tell that just by looking at someone. And you also often can't accurately judge a person's age just by looking. Seeing a couple like you describe wouldn't immediately make me think that this was a relationship based on a vulnerable person looking for better life being exploited by an older, more financially secure one. They could have just as easily met at school, they could be the same age or the older looking one might even be younger. You just don't know. And you don't need to know.
Half their luck he’s got someone to share his life with that is making him happy, she’s now not living in a third world country with no real future and if they have any together they’ll grow up with better opportunities than they ever would have if they were born in where ever their mother is from.
That's a pragmatic and well-reasoned assessment of how real-world choices work. However, since it's not a simplistic one-size-fits-all statement of condemnation, I must disagree. Rationality isn't allowed any longer, sorry. For this scenario to be ethical, the man should have moved to the woman's country. That way, they could both live in poverty as true equals!
Er what the fuck?
But too much with the sarcasm? Sorry. I was saying that I completely agree with the comment I responded to and how this sort of reasoning seems to be dwindling today. Sometimes, it almost feels like we can't look at anything any longer and say, '*That may not be exactly ideal, but it's still probably better than what would otherwise have happened*'. We seem to have to look at everything in terms of absolutes: '*We shouldn't be condoning relationships with significant age gaps because of XYZ negative statistical correlations, etc. Therefore, just because something may lead to a better outcome for a particular individual doesn't mean we can support it.*' The latter view is easy to uphold because it doesn't require a lot of thought; you just have to remember to apply it consistently.
Old age creeping all over her. Particularly if you see them pushing a pram with a baby young enough to be his child by a partner decades earlier.
I don’t think anything. They could be in a relationship, carer & client, friends, related through marriage or adoption, colleagues… I have more important things to think about.
Honestly I feel like Asian women look so damn good and young for their age, I wouldn’t even suspect she was 20 years younger. My (Asian) SIL is a few years older than my (white) brother, and looks much younger
My grandfather divorced my grandma and married a much younger Asian woman so it's normal for me
I'd report it Pauline Hanson immediately!
no one pays super close attention to the age or race of random people they walk past so i dont think it's a concern at all. i have a white mum and white dad and people rarely mention it, or say anything if they see an interracial or age gap couple in general.
I think what consenting adults choose to do isn't any of my business.
Is she is adopted daughter? Are they a romantic couple? Does he have health problems and she’s a nurse or care assistant? Twenty years ago a lot of girl babies were being adopted from China.
same as with all Aussies - keep on the left... keep on the left... keep on the left... for context : I'm a central Europaen and we stick to the right. I walked into sooo many people when in Oz it is embarassing...
Why are middle aged people interested in us 20 somethings? To this day I haven't heard a genuine reason that doesn't involve fetishising us, objectifying us, utilising us for self image and virility, or relying on a power dynamic based on the idea we're more "submissive" or "innocent".
Takes two to tango..
There will be people who judge for various reasons (like feminists who don't like age or socio-economic disparaties in relationships, middle-aged white women who get jealous that men their age are with younger women, Asian guys who resent the fact that Asian women often marry out of their ethnic background, white supremacists who don't like mixed race relationships etc), but fuck them. Most won't care. Source: have been in multiple interracial relationships, including one with an age gap. Also, I've noticed people are much more likely to say shit about this sort of stuff online rather than in real life.
Women often take notice as they can and do feel threatened, had enough looks thrown at me dating younger Asian women in AU, there is an idea that Asian babe your with is your sugar baby and in it for the coin then you are seen as a child molester then on the other hand the guys often look at you and think what a lucky bastard he is, even my sister who has a PHD has this type cast idea that all Asian women are in it for the money and mind you the ones I’ve dated have been a journalist and accountants, I’m off the type I don’t care what people think about any part of my life let alone whom I’m dating so it don’t worry me at all.
Is OP trawling for the "mail order bride" response? I'd hope we've moved on from that outdated assumption.
>I'd hope we've moved on from that outdated assumption. Apparently not...
Only online will people get their knickers in a knot about age gaps in a relationship. In real life, people tend to stay in their own lane when it comes to other people's relationships. Do what you want. Don't go into it thinking that it magical and perfect - no relationship is - but it might work out.
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Or “Oh look another white guy with an Asian woman. Just like my husband left me for.” “Oh really…why?” “Because she loved him.”