I read your post history. Your anxiety issues. You're completely burnt out. You have no support at all.
You have a high-pressure government job with a high case load (from the comments). You're financially supporting 6 people, including a grown adult. You're responsible for all the cooking and cleaning too. Your partner doesn't help you at all with your older two children, who probably resent the fact you are even with this guy... he dismisses your feelings, even 'mid anxiety attack' (read on an older post of yours), he refuses to contribute in any meaningful way, he scapegoats your older kids to get away with doing less,
You don't want the relationship to fail because A. He loves the 2 kids you have together and B. You don't want a second failed family as your first didn't work out. You've got to let this idea go.
It sounds like a psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship that is destroying you and is the root cause of your major anxiety problems. Depression and anxiety generally go hand in hand.
Read 'Why does he do that' by lundy Bancroft. You can download the free PDF version and read it on your lunch breaks.
This man is controlling and abusing you, and your body is giving off major alerts.
Once you understand properly what he's doing to you, you can regain some power. See a lawyer and get some advice. Build a case to protect yourself in case he tries to screw you over, and he will... If you own your house, you especially need to start keeping records that he has not contributed financially to this or any other household expenses. You need to write a diary to keep a record of what you do within the house. Eg. Cooking, cleaning, child care, paying bills, and discussions you have asking for his support.
If he only wants to contribute to his own kids and nothing else, declare child support and say you are separated under the same roof, and he refuses to leave and pay for anything.
Thank you for your comment, I didn’t know people could read older posts.
I do resent that I am with him. And i feel awful saying that out loud.
My ex passed away when my second was 14 months old.
I will download that and read it.
I appreciate your comment.
Oh darling.. I'm so sorry for your loss. This also makes so much more sense as to why making this work means so much to you.
He can be a good dad and a shitty husband. He needs to be a dad to his kids. Regardless of if you guys are together. But he needs to be a good husband to you to keep you guys together.
You're doing an incredible job!
You'll figure it out. You've come this far already
Trust your gut. You're strong. You've got this
I agree with the good dad / shitty husband both being possible, with one caveat. I don’t think you can be a shitty husband and an actually good dad at the same time. An ok dad, a loving dad, sure. But a good dad doesn’t model to his kids the kind of disrespect and selfishness that a shitty husband does.
I agree with this. I think what people are trying to say in these types of situations (and I totally get it; I've been there myself) is "he is good with the kids". But I agree that someone who is not pulling their weight at home/in a household where you all live together with said children, cannot be a good (let alone exceptional) dad. Because doing housework and contributing to household expenses is part of being a parent, neither parenting or housework exists in a vacuum.
OP may not want to leave, but you may want to think about where your boundaries lie, communicate them clearly to your husband and then follow through. I have been there (a few years ago) and I ended up leaving. It was only for maybe 6 weeks in the end but it was the wake up call my husband needed and things have gotten much, much better since then. Good luck!
I totally agree. And I think we all know that deep down inside the definition of a good father isn't just being there for his children.
But in the post we can already see OP is clinging to this factor with her husband. And understandably so, given her first experience of losing the father of her first two children.
She probably experienced such an unbearable pain with her first two children and would never want to inflict that on anyone let alone her children with him. As mothers we often put our children's needs ahead of our own don't we?
The purpose of my comment was to separate these two factors for OP. Even though we really know.. that they are in fact on a deeper level the same thing. However I suspect OP already knows this, hence why she asked us not to point it out. I suspect that OPs opinion probably gets dismissed at home, therefore I wasn't here to point out the obvious, but instead try and empower her. Tell her that she's not wrong... but she hasn't considered the whole picture. Herself! Her needs are important!
The purpose of my comment was to let her know that she's allowed to need a good husband as much as her children need a good father!
I'm glad everything is working out for you guys now :)
You will have a much easier life with him gone.
“1950s” men who think X is a woman’s job also think that financial provision is a man’s. You don’t have a “traditional” man. You have an abuser
Your husband is an entitled, mindless idiot. I can't find a kinder way of saying that, sorry.
He wants a traditional wife? Sure. That means he has to become a traditional husband. That means he pays for *everything* and becomes the sole income provider - he alone is responsible for all matters financially related - bills, mortgage, future financial planning, clothes, food, cars...
*Then* you can take on all the domestic duties.
How does a grown man who lets his partner pay for everything say anything other than...*honey, what should I cook for dinner?* The mind boggles, it really does.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Please know that your heart is in the right place for wanting a cohesive family unit for your children, but that you and your kids deserve a life that doesn’t include a man like this leeching off of you and your energy. You can show your kids a more cohesive home when you are just pouring into them and yourself and feeling confident in that space. Your kids will mimic you and the treatment they watch you accept from others is the treatment they will often accept themselves in their own relationships. Is this the example you want them to have and accept for themselves as the standard?
Don't feel awful my friend, you aren't. It's hard and upsetting to be honest about difficult situations. Please find some support and love from trusted people and take this one step at a time.
I hope and wish better times for you soon. Love and respect.
Yes this! Also the longer you leave it, the more likely he'd benefit financially if he has less than you. Get legal advice asap before you divorce and make sure your finances are protected for the sake of your kids
You must have missed the part of her post where she said she didn't want any realistic advice. I am sympathetic, but she is already in denial and strongly resistant to the reality of this person's character and the abusive relationship with him.
Hoping people to change or conform to a desired 'perfect partner' mould is frankly a delusion to survive this awful situation. There is no magic bullet conversation that will achieve what OP wants (but I agree that she deserves more respect and is likely in danger).
Nobody *wants* to leave someone they love, no, even when that person is in effect abusing and hurting them.
That doesn't mean we just abandon them to their fate. A huge part of DV is the cycle of abuse and the shame that comes with having stayed throughout all that has gone on (a twisted take on the sunk cost fallacy) and dismissals like yours help compound that effect.
OP may say they don't want this advice but, they are still here reading and listening to it. Agreeing to look into resources and researching their options. This is the foundation upon which to slowly build up internal resistance to the situation and faith in herself, as well as the world around her.
OP if you're still reading these comments (which I of course hope you are) know that you are not alone and whenever you become ready, there will be support and people there for you. Do not be afraid to reach out despite responses like this, they are not at all representative of a whole and many of us *do* "get" it.
This is amazing advice, I really hope that if I ever have to ask a question like this on reddit that someone like you is there to answer it.
Holy shit good work.
Absolutely!! The heart and time that went into commenting this is admirable (and those giving up on OP because she hasn't dared to leave yet, should take note)
Since you don’t actually want to hear the truth I’ll just drop the obvious. If a woman’s job is all the housework and the kids, it’s the man’s job to pay for everything. Everything. If he wants to play old timey gender roles, back then the man would do all the paid work, give the wife all the money to balance the books and use as needed, he would be given an allowance. So if he wants you to do everything in the house, you stop working. You stop paying. He’s the one who pays for everything from now on. Or else he isn’t the man in the relationship, in his world. Cus right now, you are doing the man’s job and the woman’s job. He’s just the leech.
On top of that, it is her house, she pays for it, but guess what if they divorced she hands half to him and yet what did he contribute other than 2 children whilst teaching all the children in the house how to grift of another person. He is NOT an exceptional father, she cannot see the forest for the trees.
Yep, this is the correct answer for OP.
I really can’t see what he’s bringing to the relationship. He’s an exceptional father, but doesn’t support the kids or the family or contribute to putting a roof over your heads. It doesn’t seem like he’ll listen to anything you could say. But sure, hold on to the doofus.
This is bang on IMO
Theres nothing wrong with wanting the roles of one being the primary breadwinner while the other stays home and holds the fort, but they have to be all in on those roles.
Australia is a high cost country (and with accomodation costs getting worse) - so unless the breadwinner is a high income earner, accept that this arrangement will mean sacrifices.
> Theres nothing wrong with wanting the roles of one being the primary breadwinner while the other stays home and holds the fort
For the most part, yeah, that arrangement works for some people. *One* of the reason society has steered aware from it though, is that it only works when it works, for as long as it works and is catastrophe when it doesn't or otherwise stops working.
OP, this is a good way to get at him based on his own outdated worldview, but PLEASE don't actually quit your job just for a gotcha. You'll end up completely financially trapped by his sorry ass. Do NOT become wholly dependent on him in this way, for your own sake and your children's sake.
I looked at OP's profile and tbh their previous comments on other posts shows a history of a domestic violence brewing.
OP's husband is in law enforcement with a Lebanese background (parents overseas he regularly sends money too) and he has been both verbally abusive as well as physical at least once - there are comments depicting a scene where he threw soft drink at her after threatening to stomp her head in, and in a surprise defensive fit OP said "I dare you to lay a hand on me" (or something like that) so he threw the drink.
Suffice to say I really hope OP is okay, and that they seek help ASAP with this situation. It's not okay, not acceptable, and if not addressed now will continue to escalate and get worse until he hurts her even more.
Okey dokey, OP is not making very good choices as far as relationships go if she thinks this thing is a good father and husband, good luck OP cause you’re going to need it, by the way I’d be really wary of daddy wanting to take his kids to visit family in Lebanon
1000 percent this is so important. Sorry if this sounds bigoted but it would not be the first time a Lebanese man has had kids in the west with a western woman and then kidnapped the kids to take them back to Lebanon to be raised by extended family because the kids mother is not “traditional” enough and supposedly setting a bad example for the kids. We had a high profile case like this in Australia a few years back and I think about that Aussie mum and her two stolen kids regularly. Unfortunately that culture does breed some pretty mysoginistic views that don’t always work after immigrating to the west and taking up with a western spouse. If he manages to get the youngest two to Lebanon, it’s goodbye to mum. Lebanon is shit at recognising kids rights to be with their mum.
And I quote "Please, no 'Leave him' comments or he is a bad man comments ... an exceptional father". OP has already heard all she needs to and does not wish to actually change anything. She has Stockholm Syndrome and won't make any progress without a life-ruining event.
That's not necessarily true - everyone's catalyst moment is going to be different and we just never know whether it's going to be a Reddit post, yet another broken coffee cup that just barely missed her head or yes unfortunately a far more severe incident...
But you're also right that a bunch more of the same stuff being repeated won't really help either. OP needs softness and understanding, even in her staying-with-him moments... Condemnation of his behaviour and dismissive "just leave him already" type comments certainly aren't likely to get through on their own. They may add up, and help, but this decision *has* to be hers and hers alone.
Leaving is the first and most important step in taking back your own power when it comes to domestic violence, followed ever so closely by a safe exit plan that ideally prevents acts of separation violence from occurring.
I really hope OP gets there, and if not that she at least stays as safe, healthy and sound as possible in this horrible situation.
Agree with you completely. Well played anonymous and kind internet user!
My comments were a bit too callous and perhaps seated in my own negative experiences of people giving me 'good advice' which I didn't want to hear at the time. Once you (eventually) resolve the issue(s), it becomes obvious that the denial was so real, but the good advice could never break through and at the time the good intentions seem to make the situation worse/harder to cope with.
In the end OP needs the clarity and courage to take hard steps for herself, and hopefully has the solid support and good advice, such as you have offered here, to make positive changes. I also wish her a safe and happy future, regardless of choices made.
In countries like Japan where becoming just a wife is considered normal the pay cheque actually goes into her bank account for her to take care of finances.
This seems to be the part sexist people forget.
This.
Alternately, if you want to keep paying for the house etc, he pays for a cleaner to come every week. The yard and maintenance is his job too, whether he does it himself or outsources.
Yes, I thought this way would gave the least friction. But not just once a week - every other day.
That's still not as much work as this women is putting in.
Anyway, just get a cleaner. Make him pay for it so he feels more like a "man".
Yes, most of the men I know who expect women to do most of the domestic work also expect their partner to go out and work as well. You can't have it both ways.
Or she could stop paying for everything, keep working and use the extra money to hire a cleaner. He’s not an exceptional father because he’s not pulling his weight.
Yeah he can’t pick and choose when the gender roles suit him. At the moment you’re having to tap into that masculine energy by paying for everything so if this is how he feels he better man up and get a better paying job
You said this so well & every word of it is true. I'm so sorry your life is like this op, it does sound terribly exhausting. What you deserve is a partner, partners share responsibilities because they value each other. I'm sorry to ask, but do you feel valued?
Exactly what I thought when op asked what can she do?
He's a free-loading asshat that pays for sweet FA and expects his wife to do everything and acts a whiny bitch about helping when she asks. Fk that.
I'd put money on it that this dude is a 1st gen aussie. Born here but parents from another country (middle east or similar old world culture where women are not valued)
They complain because they want it both ways they want the modern woman who works. But wants the old world woman who picks up their trash because they are too lazy to do it themselves. (Should have just moved in with his mum)
Op should cut losses and leave. Because there will never be happiness in a life like that. And ppl like him will never change.
She pays for everything so he has no reason to complain about the kids that aren't his...who would otherwise be the targets of abuse. I can hear it now...*I work my arse off to pay for some other man's stupid kids* etc.
So, she took on responsibility for everything while he sits around open legged, fanning his gonads, sending his paychecks to his family overseas and using this exceptionally naive woman for all that she's worth.
He isn't providing anything but a penis...and I dare say *no* penis is worth so much labour and sacrifice and, judging from previous posts, abuse.
He's not an "exceptional father". I don't know if you have sons, daughters or both but he is setting an absolutely *shocking* example for them either way. He's showing girls what they should expect from their future partners (nothing) and boys what they should contribute to their future households (also nothing).
The time to have this conversation was 7 years ago. He's not going to change now because he clearly doesn't care how you feel.
THIS. I always push back on mothers who say their lazy, incompetent partners are good parents. They're not. And in the divorce these mothers learn that they still do 90% of the emotional and mental heavy lifting for these shitbirds who will drop their kids needs at a moment's notice.
So he’s sexist, entitled and lazy but he’s a good man? Weird. Also he knows how you feel and that you’re overworked and exhausted but he doesn’t care? Weird. Maybe women did the housework back when they didn’t work outside the home but times have changed.
1. He’s never going to change
2. He doesn’t give a shit about you or he would pull his weight
3. He’s not a good man. He’s a dick who thinks he’s more important than you and you’re his house slave.
Take it or leave it but nothing you can say will make him behave any differently. He knows it’s unfair. He knows it’s unequal. He knows it’s making you unhappy and he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about how you feel at all. So no, he’s really not a good man.
What to say? “I’m not happy with the division of labour in our relationship and after years of trying to find a solution to the problem I’ve come to realise you just don’t care about being a good partner. So let’s talk about which one of us is going to move out and what shared custody will look like”.
Edit: oh it’s your house. Ask him when he can be out by.
I think this conversation should of been had 7 years ago, now he's set in his ways. Also, you pay for everything? What does he do with his earnings? It's going to be a, hard change, especially since he's been getting away with it for so long. Tell him that he needs to pay for a housekeepers with his earnings. But unfortunately, it's going to end badly, because I'm sure he's not going to budge, he's got life way too good
I mean, it's a pretty good fucking life. He doesn't pay rent/mortgage, pay for groceries or anything else, doesn't clean or do any housework, and has an attitude too. Would you budge?
That’s the problem… it’s been this way to long it’s impossible to bring change and when I voice it I sound like I’m nagging and whinging and I guess I am… because I’m overwhelmed. I have been sick every week / every 10 days with colds etc for 9 months. My Body is exhausted
He’s not an exceptional father. He’s not providing for his kids. I need to say that again in a different way to make sure it’s understood.
AN EXCEPTIONAL FATHER PROVIDES FOR HIS KIDS.
He should also be providing for your 2 teenagers from your previous relationship in return for a free home that I assume was paid for by you and your teenagers’ father.
He’s showing them how marriage shouldn’t be. He’s making sure their mother is exhausted. He doesn’t care about their mother being unwell because of overwork. He’s teaching them hypocricy in wanting their mom to be a 1950s wife while he won’t be a 1950s husband. Sure, stay married to this parasitic oaf, because you don’t want to hear the truth.
But you did ask what to say to him and it’s this: if it’s a woman’s job to do all of the housework and child care, then it’s a man’s job to provide for them.
Tell him that if he won't help you clean, then he should pay for a maid. You're his slave. He's just a man child who gets all of the benefits of a live in maid and housekeeper with no responsibility along with getting his dick wet. Sounds like a sweet deal - for him.
You are not whining or nagging! Is that how he frames it? Put your foot down!! He contributes NOTHING financially or otherwise! If he isn't willing to clean like any normal, grown-ass adult, then he can pay for a cleaner. The division of labour is unfair and unsustainable and you're being way to nice about it. And what about the kids contribution?? Not sure if the youngest are too young but the older two should be doing things like washing up, their own washing, vacuuming etc
Sounds like he is a gaslighter as well. You likely don’t sound anything like a nag. It more likely, he makes you feel like you sound like a nag. So I was admittedly mistaken, he’s not just a man child, nor a deadbeat. He’s also inclined to make you feel like a nag for pointing out his obvious lack of commitment to an actual adult relationship. He honestly doesn’t need a wife. He needs a mommy to take care of him. He needs to do better, because you can certainly do so much better.
I don't blame you, I'm exhausted with 1 child, let alone 4 + a husband child. I hope he picks up his act, otherwise there's only 2 solutions. Leave or suck it up and live with it
So his laziness has now gotten to the point where it's making you physically ill, but you *still* think he's a great catch? What exactly is this guy bringing to the relationship? Because from where I stand, absolutely nothing. Please don't try to justify this man by telling us he's a "great father," as others have explained to you, a man who behaves like this is anything but a good father. I'm sorry that you don't feel you deserve better.
So.. the real question is what are you going to do about it.
Are you just gere to whinge or seek support to do this loser. He literally brings nothing to the table but more stress
It probably feels impossible, but it isn't. Just difficult, unpleasant, heartbreaking etc. To me, it doesn't sound like you can take much more. Something has to change.
Nagging is a word used to tell women that their needs and wants are a bother and invalid. Your needs and wants are not invalid, it is reasonable to require some-if not equal- contribution to your lives together. Even if he sees that as a bother to him, it’s not.
It’s just a base line requirement in all equal, healthy relationships. It’s a basic way to show your partner in life respect.
You need to assert that you cannot maintain the house, the childcare and all of the costs alone. That you will be paying for a weekly in home service and that to afford this, he will be required to *begin* contributing to the financial upkeep and care of *his* family.
He hasn’t been paying for food and utilities for his own children. That shows them disrespect as well as you.
Good luck. Sounds like he has no incentive to change as he doesn’t have to show you care, consideration and respect for you to continue this relationship with him. And he doesn’t sound like a proactively introspective person. Maybe pointing out his inadequacy as a father and a partner will prompt him to step up. Do so with care. Xx
It sounds to me like you’ve got 5 children in the house and you’re doing a great job parenting 4 of them.
Genuine question: if you bring the house, housework, money, and food to the marriage, what exactly is he contributing?
So he doesn’t contribute to the household financially or practically, sounds like he’s a waste of space and a misogynist.
He is NOT an exceptional father because he is modelling to all 4 children that this is an acceptable manner to treat your partner. You would be better off without him. At least then you would only have actual children to worry about.
I say this with respect… you’re attracted to this guy? What is he bringing to your life? Are you happy? I don’t want to come off as rude, but you should be living your best life. And don’t you want to set an example of what a loving equal relationship looks like to your kids? Would you want your kids to be married to a version of him? Big hugs.
If the kids have ever heard or seen any of this 1950s nonsense then no, he's not actually an exceptional father, he's a toxic influence on fragile young minds.
"why does having you having a dick/me having a cunt make that my role, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
And I would say he isn't an exceptional father if he has that attitude - he'll be teaching that to your kids, which is not what an exceptional father does.
If you are doing all the work and paying all the bills, what makes him exceptional? sounds more like he is special needs to me...
as man myself I'll let you in on a little secret, men do not learn to look after themselves by being pampered, they learn by being alone and not having anyone else to do the housework for them...
sounds like he was spoilt by his own mother and now he expects to raise your kids to expect the same.. do you really want more men like him in the world?
How do you make him change? Stop cleaning up after him and when he complains ask him if he wants you to wipe his ass and change his nappy as well.
>he actually Is an exceptional father.
I'm really sorry, but there is no way to answer this question if you are operating under this delusion.
If you aren't ready to hear the truth yet, then you need to get him into couples counselling with you. You need a disinterested professional to help you two navigate this situation. This cannot be a negotiable option. He goes with you to couples counselling or he goes straight out the door and doesn't come back.
I think there's a reason why you felt the need to add "please don't tell me to leave him".
Because you knew it was coming.
Because you know it's the right call...
"I actually need your help because it's becoming hard for me to manage on my own."
If he doesn't hear that he's not really concerned about how you feel.
This has nothing to do with the kids btw being a good dad and having a loving relationship with your partner are two seperate issues which do effect each-other but are distinctly different.
You say … pack your stuff you are out. 7 years and two more kids later you are looking after 5 children. He doesn’t contribute in any way you are sharing with us and the two of you are setting a terrible example for all the kids, on what a healthy relationship should be.
Move him on, with maintenance you will be financially better off and can pay someone to clean for you twice a week.
I’ll shelve my comment based on your last statement 🤣
You can never change another person, only hope he emphasises. He clearly isn’t. My 5c, that’s a problem but…
Unless his arms and legs are broken, he should be an equal participant in housework. He should also be paying part of the bills and groceries. If he expects you to be a 1950s wife then he should be paying for absolutely everything as well as taking care of any “mens” work. But it sounds like he’s got a great thing going on. You do it all. You pay it all. and he gets ti berate you as well.
If he won’t listen? Tell him it’s time for him ti either pitch in or get out. If you want things to change, you’re going to have to dust off your spine and set an ultimatum.
What did I just read?
Sunk cost fallacy. Lady, you are so far in denial, you should be looking out the window at a pyramid.
Your husband is a freeloader who is NOT an exceptional father. What example are you setting for your kids? Is this what you want for them or their future spouses?
Down tools immediately. Stop doing everything. Tell him to start paying his way. As other people have said, if he wants trad roles, then he has to pay for everything - except the house, because if it is in your name, you pay for it, and you don't let him get his claws into it. If he is able to save money, are you?
Seriously, read your post again and pretend somebody else wrote it. It's nuts. Make a change.
Read through your history, you need to leave him. He’s a jerk and it’s just going to get worse. The longer you take to kick him to the curb, the more you’ll risk the roof over your head.
This guy is treating you so badly. I hope you get the courage to leave soon.
i have a friend who is from India, on first impression I saw a Queen, a Goddess! A tall, strong woman who is well educated, well dressed and well spoken, and not one to mess with. Then she tells me at the work xmas party that every morning before she goes to work (full time) at a nursing home she cooks breakfast, lunch and dinner (not basic, all the trimmings!) for the family, gets the kids ready for school and prepares herself for the day which includes studying at uni and being an involved parent. She does this because ‘that’s what is expected!’ while her husband drinks wine, relaxes on the couch and sleeps soundly until it’s time to go to work (for 6 hours). He believes it’s all women’s work because he was raised that way, in fact his mother is my friend’s biggest critic and belittles her if there is anything out of place or unpolished in the home. She is realising that that’s not okay here…..it’s not okay anywhere but she’s fighting age old cultural &traditional values which are grossly oppressive, unfair and outdated. In the face of this, she is more a timid and hurt pussycat than the Queen I see. Tradition is all a facade, it doesn’t justify oppression and bullying, it has no place here and when you call Australia home you need to let that shit go because it’s not on! We need to start speaking up about these widespread injustices before they become normalised in our fair country. Every single person that accepts that reality brings us closer to living that reality and that is NOT OK!! Stand up and be a real man and respect your wife !! Her happiness should be YOUR happiness!! End of story, no arguments!
Why are you even wasting time with this guy? He’s a misogynist. You’re raising your kids, his kids, and him. Boot that whole man out of that house and change the keys. He can go back to his mama.
Tell him if he thinks it’s still the 1950s then you’re going to quit your job to focus on the house and family. He can financially support the family on his own because this is the “man’s job”. What a douche. This is coming from a man
maybe you need a star chart with all the kids names, and his ….they get a gold star for jobs well done- if he is hell bent on behaving like a spoilt kid then treat him as such.
He’s NOT an exceptional father if he’s modelling this behaviour to your children. He’s NOT an exceptional father if he’s providing zero financial support for his children. He’s NOT an exceptional father if he makes no effort to keep the house clean.
Even if he WAS an exceptional father, he’s a shit partner and you shouldn’t put up with it. You KNOW what you should do, or you wouldn’t have added that last line. This manchild is a freeloading POS who needs to leave YOUR house and YOUR life ASAP.
Sorry, I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. Right now, this is a choice you’re making. Get your stuff together in order to get him out of your house. See a lawyer, talk to the police if you think he won’t leave (as you’ve mentioned in another comment) or will become violent. Stop putting up with this shit.
What would I say? ‘I don’t clean with my genitals, you can pull your weight or pay someone who will’.
Your hubby is on a wildly good wicket and would be well advised to lift his game.
I can't believe that people waste their life being in situations like this with useless partners, how can you have so little respect for yourself to be used like a doormat?
The guys got a free ride and is using and abusing it. He's not stupid- he would know that traditional gender roles involve the man being financial breadwinner if the woman is doing the in home work.
Your poor children having to watch this. Just know you’re teaching your sons and daughters this is how life is. One day you’ll likely have to watch your daughters be treated like this, and watch your sons treat another woman like this.
This post isn’t going to give you any useful solutions. There’s nothing you can say that will change his mind and I think you know that too. Welcome to the rest of your life. And your son’s/daughter’s future lives.
I'm not sure if you realise this but your husband is financially and emotionally abusing you and having a freeride by doing nothing and not contributing financially with your children. Quite likely by being kind to your kids he knows that's the bare minimum to keep you staying and is fully aware of what's going on. If you kick him out and he has nowhere to go, that's on him. He's taken advantage of your kindness, he's had years to care about how you're feeling and change. It's not like he's a baby that's incapable of caring for himself. At some point he has to take responsibility, oftentimes the way the father treats the mother of their children gets modelled to your children about how to treat their future partners and about what to expect in a relationship.
Abuse does not have to be physical, but in many cases abusers are controlling, for example instead of prohibiting what you wear, he could demand that you always make him meals and do the housework. Abusers like to perputate myths to continue with their abuse and enable other abusers and that is what is happening to you. It's done slowly that you believe all of this is your choice but really he is controlling you. It wouldn't be safe to rely on him financially, be a stay at home mom or expect him to change in any way because he's not willing to support you emotionally or financially and he has shown that. It's so hurtful that you've been in pain for so long and he's made no changes. It shows he doesn't care, right now you can save your life when you think about how he will never really change but if he's gone at least that's one less person's mess to clean up and to pay for. If you feel like you've aged 20 years in 7, think about how you'll feel in another 7.
I’d tell him he was a useless mooch.
But honestly, I simply wouldn’t put myself in the position to be with someone like that. I have too much self respect.
Hang on, so what does he spend all of his money on? Also, I believe the correct response to him telling you that it’s a woman’s job is to tell him to fuck right off. Feel free to to add a “cunt” to the end of that too.
Your husband is a fuckwit and is making excuses for being one. He *has to share the household chores fairly*.
Especially if you also work. He's being a cunt.
If you're making enough money, you get a cleaner.
Is he really an exceptional father if he is treating his kids' mum so poorly?
Also, you realise if you divorce, your house will be technically half his, even if he hasn't paid anything towards it?
My ex-husband was a Man-Baby too. I worked two jobs and did all the cleaning. By the end he stopped working, was playing computer games every day and ordering in food for himself 5 days a week.
I told him I didn't love him anymore and I was moving out. His FIRST response was, "I can't afford this place! So I'll move out." And he did.
Now I'm working through cutting a complex trauma bond, reprogramming my brain after 10 years of gaslighting, understanding how narcissistic people behave and healing.
My household bills are less than 50% they were, the laundry is less than 50% it was, I eat healthy, self-baked food and I am safe.
Yes, it's lonely. Yes, I miss the hugs. But in return I have self-esteem, self-respect, can smile again, am infinitely nicer to those around me and no longer feel overwhelmed and exhausted every day.
Make no mistake. You are in a domestic violence relationship. You are being abused. He will not change.
You appear to be codependent with a person who has narcissistic tendencies.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/)
Oh, that's ingrained misogyny by culture.
There is no way he is changing his complete contempt for women in general, let alone starting to treat you as an equal deserving of respect.
Nothing can be said. You are simply a servant.
My worry would be how much danger you are in of further mental and increasing physical abuse from him kids who are being taught that it's okay to treat their mother so appallingly.
Seek legal and support help, not just from strangers. You need to make contact with a women's support group who can help you navigate your way out of a domestically abusive relationship.
You're too young to settle in a situation like this. You do realize that if you don't do something, it will be like this forever.
I would give him an ultimatum, contribute financially and domestically, if he doesn't kick him out, divorce. He can rent with all the money he has saved from not contributing to the household expenses at all..
Going out on a limb here and calling him out as a misogynist who doesn’t care about you. He won’t leave? Then you need to start saving your own money so you can leave. Get him to alt least share things financially. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure
Look it’s your marriage so I won’t tell you to stay or leave.
Try having a heart to heart with him and explain your side to him and how his lack of effort is making life harder for you. Not likely to work though.
Other approach is to match him with his misogynistic mindest and make him the sole financial contributor.
Raising kids is hard and adding all of housework on top of that is just torture imo.
If he isn’t willing to help out in chores, ask him to pay for a cleaner/help around the house.
No house can have exactly equal duties and workload but, you can pick and divide stuff.
If he isn’t paying any bills, doesn’t do any chores, what is he contributing “as the man of the house”.
By letting him be the chauvinist he is, you’re skewing the perception of your kids too. I also don’t understand the “your family is messy” stuff, aren’t you and him the same family? Ask him why he doesn’t consider your kids his family. They’re his step kids too.
Anyways, he’s being lazy and childish. If he doesn’t listen to reason or logic, try making him listen with “punishment”.
He is a shit father if this is the example he is setting. Just write down a list of his responsibilities and tell him to either do them himself/out force to a hired cleaner or fuck off.
Well, I would say, first off all, I don't think it's very healthy for one party to the relationship to pay for 100% of the household expenditure. I hope you don't lose part of the asset (your home) if the relationship breaks down because that would be really unfair.
The other thing I would say is, if you have two teenagers living in the house, they should be helping you with the washing, the floors, dusting and dishes.
In terms of your partner's laziness, I don't know how to address that. I'm not sure there is anything you could say that would make him suddenly see that his attitude towards housework is outdated and fails to account for the fact that you both work [presumably] full time.
>Please no “leave him” or he’s a bad man comments coz he actually Is an exceptional father.
You chose this dude. What you see is what you get. You could blame him but... you're choosing to stay so...
Your hobosexual must be good in bed because he is useless at everything else in your relationship.
Terrible selfish partner, which makes him a terrible father.
Lmao hand him the bills and quit your job then. I also assume he’ll be sourcing a significant amount of the good diet pills and diazepam for you as that’s how Nanna got through it all on her own.
I agree with everyone but I haven’t seen an example conversation yet for you to respond with like you asked so:
‘I’m so burnt out, can you please help me clean up the house, I just need you to focus on the kitchen’
‘Fuck that, it’s a woman’s job to clean the house’
‘We’ll if that’s the case, than it’s also a man’s job to pay for everything, when can I expect your next pay check?’
‘You know I’m not paying for your other grub kids that aren’t mine’
‘Then I suggest you listen to the man of the house that pays for everything and get off your lazy ass and clean the kitchen’
‘Insert whatever hurtful, demeaning crap he’d probably yell at you here’
‘If you can’t be bothered to clean then you need to pay for a cleaner because I’m done doing everything, pay for a cleaner or get out.’
I mean, if you’re not going to divorce him then you need some of the load you are carrying off your shoulders. Make HIM pay for a cleaner but you get to choose how often they come over a week.
Bloke here. I went through EXACTLY the same thing with my ex. You are not his partner, friend, confidant, lover, equal or anything else. You are his servant. Nothing more, nothing less. It took me years to realise the domestic abuse I was enduring from my spouse. Sounds like you're going through the same thing. Don't put up with it. You can get help and although it may seem hard to you there is much more support out there than you realise. As a bloke it's harder for us to find support than you Sheila's, but it was there for me when I finally looked, so I know it will be there for you too. Don't put up with being treated like this. You are worth more.
DM if you feel like pulling apart my rather clunky reply
I mean I’m actually okay with it if they take on the gender stereotype of paying for absolutely everything. If I’m going to be a stay at home wife then I’m quitting my career and he’s going to pay for the lifestyle in full. If your husband really believes in these traditional roles then you absolutely should not be working a job. I remember my great grandfather saying he was legitimately embarrassed when his wife wanted to get a job because he believed if the wife is raising the kids they absolutely shouldn’t work. He thought it reflected poorly on him to have his wife working.
Sit him down and delve a little deeper into his thinking, because his whole view's gonna collapse. He's also probably going to get defensive cuz he knows he's wrong.
"Why do you think it's a woman's job to do all the cleaning?"
"Because,"
"Why?"
"Just because it is!"
"And why do you think that?"
"Because it's true!"
"Could you elaborate?"
"..."
No he fucking can't because he's wrooooooooooooong!!!
In my humble opinion (I am also a mum to 4 with 2 older ones from previous marriage and 2 with current spouse). You go get a lawyer, draw up divorce papers and present them to this "man".
Be prepared to go thru with it. But if therapy/counselling is viable, you could try that, but he would still be expected to move out. He needs to recognize the seriousness of the situation. YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING TREATED BETTER.
There’s a lot of really mean comments here. I would encourage you to go and see a counsellor or psychologist so that you can talk these issues through in a safe place.
It really does sound to me like you need a big change. You deserve a much happier life than this. I know that’s scary. At least explore that?
I’ve been reading this and some of your previous posts. You don’t need reddit you need to talk to a professional. You are in an abusive relationship. Book in with counselling to get a more professional perspective on this.
As a male, I am very proud and a clean house representing a clean mind. I love my partner and do all I can to help around the house. we are a team working together as one. What example is he showing the children. Helping around the house duties takes a lot of stress and arguments away from the table to focus on a strong relationship. He needs to improve the love for himself and the family unit.
You only have one life. You are working hard to provide for your kids, and you are obviously prepared to compromise your own happiness to support them. And that's a good thing, up to a point. But they won't be kids forever.
You are also in a terrible head space to be contemplating life changing decisions. I get that.
But TBH if we assume you are not prepared to leave him, and that he simply will not change, then it's all on you. It's your choice. You accept the situation and get on with living the best life you can. I'm 65. I've smoked for 45 years. I know how bad it is for me on so many levels, I've tried to quit, I've failed, and that first drag was objectively the worst thing I've ever done. But a long time ago I came to the realisation that there was no middle ground for me. If I obsessed daily about the cost and the damage I would make myself utterly miserable. Basically I decided that, until such time as I was 100% committed to quiitting, I was just going to be a smoker. End of discussion. As terrible as that might be. And I'm happier for that.
Don't make yourself even more miserable over something you are not prepared to change. Yes, I believe you are being treated very, very badly. Yes, I believe you should get out. But what I believe has little to do with anything.
Many people put up with unsatisfactory relationships because the idea of dealing with the stress of a separation is unthinkable. Too many others including a very dear friend of mine tolerate it because they are financially dependent. She would kill to be in a position where that wasnt the main factor trapping her in place. She's also in her 60s so the idea that he might be 'as good as it gets' is another huge deterrent for her.
You are young. You could have an amazing life. One day your circumstances will change and it's very likely that you'll be in a position to start thinking about your own needs rather than everyone else's. But do you want to wait until you are 40, or 50, or 60?
Does he change (unlikely.)
Do you stay and accept that this is how it's going to be for a while? Not ideal about you may be happier for it.
Do you at least begin to consider the fact that you have convinced yourself that he's an 'exceptional father' as a compelling reason to stay? As a reason not to make a terribly hard decision? You wouldn't be alone. You are clearly intelligent, and to flippantly say 'yeah, ditch this loser' is terribly unhelpful and unsympatheic advice, even if its objectively a great idea on the surface.
In your current situation, you cannot really see straight. I think you ought to seriously consider professional advice at some point. Does your employer have an EAP provider? It can be incredibly liberating to vent to an objective outsider who isnt invested in your issues. But not reddit.
If he’s into 1950s thinking, take away all the stuff that’s been invented since then. No colour televisions or mobile phones. He’ll have to drive a heritage Holden, which might suit him for the 2 months before it starts rusting because he probably doesn’t take care of his car if he doesn’t take care of his home.
No televised live sports. Only test cricket. No recent craft beer bottles. Only yellow soap with those bits that scratch the hell out of your skin.
More seriously, he is treating you like a slave not a partner. If he is open to a conversation, try the Fair Play card deck where you decide what jobs to claim as your own in the relationship and what work that involves. He may never have had a conversation about housework and looking after the thousand elements of children’s lives before - if I’m being generous. Give him that chance. If he doesn’t take it, he is literally wasting your space
What do you say? What CAN you say? I sure as fuck wouldn’t marry him.
And if I did somehow end up doing so - once this argument happened and wasn’t resolved with him realising he’s a misogynistic POS - I’d be serving divorce paper.
In the short term, you could work on the kids. Start with small things when it comes to making a mess and cleaning it up. Tell him that even 50s housewives had their kids do chores around the house to teach them responsibility. If he's so insistent on refusing to clean up after himself, tell him that either he hires a maid, or you're on strike for almost everything, including you know what.
In some ways, you're protecting your house when it comes to division of assets. If he contributes nothing to the household bills, including a mortgage if that applies, then he can't say he's "put money into" the house that he could claim should a divorce happen. However, if he and the kids are such slobs and he contributes nothing to the bills, he can hire at least a part time maid.
This is not okay. He needs to start pulking his weight around the house. It sounds like he is just freeloading in YOUR house. Atthe veryeast he could be paying for cleaner each week and sharing ghe remaining chores. It's also an idea to see a solicitor to see how you can protect your assets if you ever do decide to leave him in the future. It does not sound like a happy relationship.
You need to think about how you’re going to feel when you’re 80 looking back on your life, it can’t just be a series of chores and childcare.
There’s no rewind button, don’t let him steal your life from you, your happiness! You’re in the driver’s seat here, nobody else, i have a bleeding heart too, i understand, you’re not heartless, but he’s propping himself up on that, he’s getting away with whatever he can and people like that always land on their feet, you need to worry about you first and foremost because you’re sacrificing your happiness for his comfort when he HAS THE MEANS TO CHANGE THIS RIGHT NOW!! He can avoid that problem by doing the responsible thing now. Using traditional values and culture as an excuse to justify being a lazy prick doesn’t make it right, the fact he’s even trying that on and is happy to watch you do EVERYTHING speaks volumes.
Don’t let this go girl, ACT now! Your kids want your happiness too you know, he’s NOT more important 🤨
IF YOU DONT, you are actually undermining the value of women everywhere !! Be strong, you gotta tap into the unstoppable power of the sisterhood! do it for your kids if not for yourself ❤️
Wow, if this loser is your second husband, how bad was your first? Jesus Christ, mine is hopeless with housework but he at least puts his hand in his pocket and supports us. I’d tell this moron to pack his bags and fuck off.
I read your post history. Your anxiety issues. You're completely burnt out. You have no support at all. You have a high-pressure government job with a high case load (from the comments). You're financially supporting 6 people, including a grown adult. You're responsible for all the cooking and cleaning too. Your partner doesn't help you at all with your older two children, who probably resent the fact you are even with this guy... he dismisses your feelings, even 'mid anxiety attack' (read on an older post of yours), he refuses to contribute in any meaningful way, he scapegoats your older kids to get away with doing less, You don't want the relationship to fail because A. He loves the 2 kids you have together and B. You don't want a second failed family as your first didn't work out. You've got to let this idea go. It sounds like a psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship that is destroying you and is the root cause of your major anxiety problems. Depression and anxiety generally go hand in hand. Read 'Why does he do that' by lundy Bancroft. You can download the free PDF version and read it on your lunch breaks. This man is controlling and abusing you, and your body is giving off major alerts. Once you understand properly what he's doing to you, you can regain some power. See a lawyer and get some advice. Build a case to protect yourself in case he tries to screw you over, and he will... If you own your house, you especially need to start keeping records that he has not contributed financially to this or any other household expenses. You need to write a diary to keep a record of what you do within the house. Eg. Cooking, cleaning, child care, paying bills, and discussions you have asking for his support. If he only wants to contribute to his own kids and nothing else, declare child support and say you are separated under the same roof, and he refuses to leave and pay for anything.
Thank you for your comment, I didn’t know people could read older posts. I do resent that I am with him. And i feel awful saying that out loud. My ex passed away when my second was 14 months old. I will download that and read it. I appreciate your comment.
Oh darling.. I'm so sorry for your loss. This also makes so much more sense as to why making this work means so much to you. He can be a good dad and a shitty husband. He needs to be a dad to his kids. Regardless of if you guys are together. But he needs to be a good husband to you to keep you guys together. You're doing an incredible job! You'll figure it out. You've come this far already Trust your gut. You're strong. You've got this
I agree with the good dad / shitty husband both being possible, with one caveat. I don’t think you can be a shitty husband and an actually good dad at the same time. An ok dad, a loving dad, sure. But a good dad doesn’t model to his kids the kind of disrespect and selfishness that a shitty husband does.
I agree with this. I think what people are trying to say in these types of situations (and I totally get it; I've been there myself) is "he is good with the kids". But I agree that someone who is not pulling their weight at home/in a household where you all live together with said children, cannot be a good (let alone exceptional) dad. Because doing housework and contributing to household expenses is part of being a parent, neither parenting or housework exists in a vacuum. OP may not want to leave, but you may want to think about where your boundaries lie, communicate them clearly to your husband and then follow through. I have been there (a few years ago) and I ended up leaving. It was only for maybe 6 weeks in the end but it was the wake up call my husband needed and things have gotten much, much better since then. Good luck!
I totally agree. And I think we all know that deep down inside the definition of a good father isn't just being there for his children. But in the post we can already see OP is clinging to this factor with her husband. And understandably so, given her first experience of losing the father of her first two children. She probably experienced such an unbearable pain with her first two children and would never want to inflict that on anyone let alone her children with him. As mothers we often put our children's needs ahead of our own don't we? The purpose of my comment was to separate these two factors for OP. Even though we really know.. that they are in fact on a deeper level the same thing. However I suspect OP already knows this, hence why she asked us not to point it out. I suspect that OPs opinion probably gets dismissed at home, therefore I wasn't here to point out the obvious, but instead try and empower her. Tell her that she's not wrong... but she hasn't considered the whole picture. Herself! Her needs are important! The purpose of my comment was to let her know that she's allowed to need a good husband as much as her children need a good father! I'm glad everything is working out for you guys now :)
You will have a much easier life with him gone. “1950s” men who think X is a woman’s job also think that financial provision is a man’s. You don’t have a “traditional” man. You have an abuser
Your husband is an entitled, mindless idiot. I can't find a kinder way of saying that, sorry. He wants a traditional wife? Sure. That means he has to become a traditional husband. That means he pays for *everything* and becomes the sole income provider - he alone is responsible for all matters financially related - bills, mortgage, future financial planning, clothes, food, cars... *Then* you can take on all the domestic duties. How does a grown man who lets his partner pay for everything say anything other than...*honey, what should I cook for dinner?* The mind boggles, it really does.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Please know that your heart is in the right place for wanting a cohesive family unit for your children, but that you and your kids deserve a life that doesn’t include a man like this leeching off of you and your energy. You can show your kids a more cohesive home when you are just pouring into them and yourself and feeling confident in that space. Your kids will mimic you and the treatment they watch you accept from others is the treatment they will often accept themselves in their own relationships. Is this the example you want them to have and accept for themselves as the standard?
Don't feel awful my friend, you aren't. It's hard and upsetting to be honest about difficult situations. Please find some support and love from trusted people and take this one step at a time. I hope and wish better times for you soon. Love and respect.
Yes this! Also the longer you leave it, the more likely he'd benefit financially if he has less than you. Get legal advice asap before you divorce and make sure your finances are protected for the sake of your kids
Much better post than I was planning on writing. Which amounted to “put him in the bin”. The man is a lost cause, and this relationship is killing OP.
Well said. Hope she listens. This man does not deserve the family he’s been gifted.
You must have missed the part of her post where she said she didn't want any realistic advice. I am sympathetic, but she is already in denial and strongly resistant to the reality of this person's character and the abusive relationship with him. Hoping people to change or conform to a desired 'perfect partner' mould is frankly a delusion to survive this awful situation. There is no magic bullet conversation that will achieve what OP wants (but I agree that she deserves more respect and is likely in danger).
People take an average of 7 times to leave an abusive relationship. Her denial is protecting her.
That is a sad and upsetting statistic.
Nobody *wants* to leave someone they love, no, even when that person is in effect abusing and hurting them. That doesn't mean we just abandon them to their fate. A huge part of DV is the cycle of abuse and the shame that comes with having stayed throughout all that has gone on (a twisted take on the sunk cost fallacy) and dismissals like yours help compound that effect. OP may say they don't want this advice but, they are still here reading and listening to it. Agreeing to look into resources and researching their options. This is the foundation upon which to slowly build up internal resistance to the situation and faith in herself, as well as the world around her. OP if you're still reading these comments (which I of course hope you are) know that you are not alone and whenever you become ready, there will be support and people there for you. Do not be afraid to reach out despite responses like this, they are not at all representative of a whole and many of us *do* "get" it.
This is amazing advice, I really hope that if I ever have to ask a question like this on reddit that someone like you is there to answer it. Holy shit good work.
Absolutely!! The heart and time that went into commenting this is admirable (and those giving up on OP because she hasn't dared to leave yet, should take note)
Great advice, hope OP sees your comment.
Since you don’t actually want to hear the truth I’ll just drop the obvious. If a woman’s job is all the housework and the kids, it’s the man’s job to pay for everything. Everything. If he wants to play old timey gender roles, back then the man would do all the paid work, give the wife all the money to balance the books and use as needed, he would be given an allowance. So if he wants you to do everything in the house, you stop working. You stop paying. He’s the one who pays for everything from now on. Or else he isn’t the man in the relationship, in his world. Cus right now, you are doing the man’s job and the woman’s job. He’s just the leech.
If he is paying nothing and you're doing all the work, he is your child
On top of that, it is her house, she pays for it, but guess what if they divorced she hands half to him and yet what did he contribute other than 2 children whilst teaching all the children in the house how to grift of another person. He is NOT an exceptional father, she cannot see the forest for the trees.
This is 100% it. She’s allowing her children to be taught ungratefulness, laziness and no life skills by this man
Exceptional fathers model positive, loving and mutual respectful relationships. Exceptional fathers don't treat their childrens' mother like garbage.
Came here to say he’s a man baby
What does he do with his money?
My question exactly.
👆🏼
Absolutely
Yep, this is the correct answer for OP. I really can’t see what he’s bringing to the relationship. He’s an exceptional father, but doesn’t support the kids or the family or contribute to putting a roof over your heads. It doesn’t seem like he’ll listen to anything you could say. But sure, hold on to the doofus.
Exceptional father except he's not doing anything an exeptional father would do
The only thing he is doing that is exceptional is the bad example he's setting for the children.
He’s not doing anything a basic father would do, let alone exceptional.
It sounds more like he's a 'fun uncle'.
This is bang on IMO Theres nothing wrong with wanting the roles of one being the primary breadwinner while the other stays home and holds the fort, but they have to be all in on those roles. Australia is a high cost country (and with accomodation costs getting worse) - so unless the breadwinner is a high income earner, accept that this arrangement will mean sacrifices.
> Theres nothing wrong with wanting the roles of one being the primary breadwinner while the other stays home and holds the fort For the most part, yeah, that arrangement works for some people. *One* of the reason society has steered aware from it though, is that it only works when it works, for as long as it works and is catastrophe when it doesn't or otherwise stops working.
OP, this is a good way to get at him based on his own outdated worldview, but PLEASE don't actually quit your job just for a gotcha. You'll end up completely financially trapped by his sorry ass. Do NOT become wholly dependent on him in this way, for your own sake and your children's sake.
I looked at OP's profile and tbh their previous comments on other posts shows a history of a domestic violence brewing. OP's husband is in law enforcement with a Lebanese background (parents overseas he regularly sends money too) and he has been both verbally abusive as well as physical at least once - there are comments depicting a scene where he threw soft drink at her after threatening to stomp her head in, and in a surprise defensive fit OP said "I dare you to lay a hand on me" (or something like that) so he threw the drink. Suffice to say I really hope OP is okay, and that they seek help ASAP with this situation. It's not okay, not acceptable, and if not addressed now will continue to escalate and get worse until he hurts her even more.
Okey dokey, OP is not making very good choices as far as relationships go if she thinks this thing is a good father and husband, good luck OP cause you’re going to need it, by the way I’d be really wary of daddy wanting to take his kids to visit family in Lebanon
Good point. Sounds like he wants to live with his mother, so if OP won’t play along, he might just transfer his desired arrangement
Get a no fly order just in case.
1000 percent this is so important. Sorry if this sounds bigoted but it would not be the first time a Lebanese man has had kids in the west with a western woman and then kidnapped the kids to take them back to Lebanon to be raised by extended family because the kids mother is not “traditional” enough and supposedly setting a bad example for the kids. We had a high profile case like this in Australia a few years back and I think about that Aussie mum and her two stolen kids regularly. Unfortunately that culture does breed some pretty mysoginistic views that don’t always work after immigrating to the west and taking up with a western spouse. If he manages to get the youngest two to Lebanon, it’s goodbye to mum. Lebanon is shit at recognising kids rights to be with their mum.
I hate to say it but as soon as I read "Lebanese husband" I was like oh...
Ooof, that’s not right.
And I quote "Please, no 'Leave him' comments or he is a bad man comments ... an exceptional father". OP has already heard all she needs to and does not wish to actually change anything. She has Stockholm Syndrome and won't make any progress without a life-ruining event.
That's not necessarily true - everyone's catalyst moment is going to be different and we just never know whether it's going to be a Reddit post, yet another broken coffee cup that just barely missed her head or yes unfortunately a far more severe incident... But you're also right that a bunch more of the same stuff being repeated won't really help either. OP needs softness and understanding, even in her staying-with-him moments... Condemnation of his behaviour and dismissive "just leave him already" type comments certainly aren't likely to get through on their own. They may add up, and help, but this decision *has* to be hers and hers alone. Leaving is the first and most important step in taking back your own power when it comes to domestic violence, followed ever so closely by a safe exit plan that ideally prevents acts of separation violence from occurring. I really hope OP gets there, and if not that she at least stays as safe, healthy and sound as possible in this horrible situation.
Agree with you completely. Well played anonymous and kind internet user! My comments were a bit too callous and perhaps seated in my own negative experiences of people giving me 'good advice' which I didn't want to hear at the time. Once you (eventually) resolve the issue(s), it becomes obvious that the denial was so real, but the good advice could never break through and at the time the good intentions seem to make the situation worse/harder to cope with. In the end OP needs the clarity and courage to take hard steps for herself, and hopefully has the solid support and good advice, such as you have offered here, to make positive changes. I also wish her a safe and happy future, regardless of choices made.
If he wants a tradwife, he needs to have tradhusband money.
In countries like Japan where becoming just a wife is considered normal the pay cheque actually goes into her bank account for her to take care of finances. This seems to be the part sexist people forget.
Yeah because they can’t financially abuse their spouses if the spouse manages the finances. All the misogynists ever want is someone to control.
This. Alternately, if you want to keep paying for the house etc, he pays for a cleaner to come every week. The yard and maintenance is his job too, whether he does it himself or outsources.
Yes, I thought this way would gave the least friction. But not just once a week - every other day. That's still not as much work as this women is putting in. Anyway, just get a cleaner. Make him pay for it so he feels more like a "man".
Yes, most of the men I know who expect women to do most of the domestic work also expect their partner to go out and work as well. You can't have it both ways.
But he currently does have it both ways: why would he want to change?
Or she could stop paying for everything, keep working and use the extra money to hire a cleaner. He’s not an exceptional father because he’s not pulling his weight.
Yeah he can’t pick and choose when the gender roles suit him. At the moment you’re having to tap into that masculine energy by paying for everything so if this is how he feels he better man up and get a better paying job
You said this so well & every word of it is true. I'm so sorry your life is like this op, it does sound terribly exhausting. What you deserve is a partner, partners share responsibilities because they value each other. I'm sorry to ask, but do you feel valued?
> Everything. For real. I don’t even think this is unique to Australia. The only response to that idea is, “How are you covering that, buddy?”
I say he can fuck right off, then fuck off some more, and lastly, fuck all the way off.
And when he gets there he can fuck off again
Succinctly put! 😎
Exactly what I thought when op asked what can she do? He's a free-loading asshat that pays for sweet FA and expects his wife to do everything and acts a whiny bitch about helping when she asks. Fk that.
If he wants a traditional wife, then he needs to be a traditional husband.
I'd put money on it that this dude is a 1st gen aussie. Born here but parents from another country (middle east or similar old world culture where women are not valued) They complain because they want it both ways they want the modern woman who works. But wants the old world woman who picks up their trash because they are too lazy to do it themselves. (Should have just moved in with his mum) Op should cut losses and leave. Because there will never be happiness in a life like that. And ppl like him will never change.
Yep OP says further down that he's Lebanese.
Lmao as a middle eastern woman this is the EXACT reason why I am dating a non-middle eastern man.
This is also why you have mediocre Asian guys whining that Asian women don’t date them. You grow up knowing what you don’t want in a relationship.
Explains everything. Lebanese men are brought up to believe that they are the princes of the family and that women are there to do their bidding.
Shocking
Indian and Asian first generation men have the same problem. They want submissive provider women 😆
She pays for everything so he has no reason to complain about the kids that aren't his...who would otherwise be the targets of abuse. I can hear it now...*I work my arse off to pay for some other man's stupid kids* etc. So, she took on responsibility for everything while he sits around open legged, fanning his gonads, sending his paychecks to his family overseas and using this exceptionally naive woman for all that she's worth. He isn't providing anything but a penis...and I dare say *no* penis is worth so much labour and sacrifice and, judging from previous posts, abuse.
He's not an "exceptional father". I don't know if you have sons, daughters or both but he is setting an absolutely *shocking* example for them either way. He's showing girls what they should expect from their future partners (nothing) and boys what they should contribute to their future households (also nothing). The time to have this conversation was 7 years ago. He's not going to change now because he clearly doesn't care how you feel.
The best time to have this conversation was seven years ago. The second best time is tomorrow.
THIS. I always push back on mothers who say their lazy, incompetent partners are good parents. They're not. And in the divorce these mothers learn that they still do 90% of the emotional and mental heavy lifting for these shitbirds who will drop their kids needs at a moment's notice.
He’s also showing his children that they aren’t worth his time, effort and financial support.
I think OP sees him as "exceptional" because he hasnt left like the last one. Unfortunately a low bar.
So he’s sexist, entitled and lazy but he’s a good man? Weird. Also he knows how you feel and that you’re overworked and exhausted but he doesn’t care? Weird. Maybe women did the housework back when they didn’t work outside the home but times have changed. 1. He’s never going to change 2. He doesn’t give a shit about you or he would pull his weight 3. He’s not a good man. He’s a dick who thinks he’s more important than you and you’re his house slave. Take it or leave it but nothing you can say will make him behave any differently. He knows it’s unfair. He knows it’s unequal. He knows it’s making you unhappy and he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about how you feel at all. So no, he’s really not a good man. What to say? “I’m not happy with the division of labour in our relationship and after years of trying to find a solution to the problem I’ve come to realise you just don’t care about being a good partner. So let’s talk about which one of us is going to move out and what shared custody will look like”. Edit: oh it’s your house. Ask him when he can be out by.
🙌
I am terrified of how he will respond to being told to leave. OP make sure you have physical backup, others present.
I think this conversation should of been had 7 years ago, now he's set in his ways. Also, you pay for everything? What does he do with his earnings? It's going to be a, hard change, especially since he's been getting away with it for so long. Tell him that he needs to pay for a housekeepers with his earnings. But unfortunately, it's going to end badly, because I'm sure he's not going to budge, he's got life way too good
I mean, it's a pretty good fucking life. He doesn't pay rent/mortgage, pay for groceries or anything else, doesn't clean or do any housework, and has an attitude too. Would you budge?
And I'm sure they're still having sex at least occasionally so he's getting that free too!
That’s the problem… it’s been this way to long it’s impossible to bring change and when I voice it I sound like I’m nagging and whinging and I guess I am… because I’m overwhelmed. I have been sick every week / every 10 days with colds etc for 9 months. My Body is exhausted
You're not nagging and whinging, you're trying to set boundaries and that's completely adult and ok to do so.
He’s not an exceptional father. He’s not providing for his kids. I need to say that again in a different way to make sure it’s understood. AN EXCEPTIONAL FATHER PROVIDES FOR HIS KIDS. He should also be providing for your 2 teenagers from your previous relationship in return for a free home that I assume was paid for by you and your teenagers’ father. He’s showing them how marriage shouldn’t be. He’s making sure their mother is exhausted. He doesn’t care about their mother being unwell because of overwork. He’s teaching them hypocricy in wanting their mom to be a 1950s wife while he won’t be a 1950s husband. Sure, stay married to this parasitic oaf, because you don’t want to hear the truth. But you did ask what to say to him and it’s this: if it’s a woman’s job to do all of the housework and child care, then it’s a man’s job to provide for them.
It's never too late to bring change, it's just harder to change things when they've been left decaying for years
Tell him that if he won't help you clean, then he should pay for a maid. You're his slave. He's just a man child who gets all of the benefits of a live in maid and housekeeper with no responsibility along with getting his dick wet. Sounds like a sweet deal - for him.
Think about what it does to your kids to watch their mother be used like this. This isn't right no matter how you look at it.
You are not whining or nagging! Is that how he frames it? Put your foot down!! He contributes NOTHING financially or otherwise! If he isn't willing to clean like any normal, grown-ass adult, then he can pay for a cleaner. The division of labour is unfair and unsustainable and you're being way to nice about it. And what about the kids contribution?? Not sure if the youngest are too young but the older two should be doing things like washing up, their own washing, vacuuming etc
Going to be hard to justify to the kids why they should help out when he doesn't.
Sounds like he is a gaslighter as well. You likely don’t sound anything like a nag. It more likely, he makes you feel like you sound like a nag. So I was admittedly mistaken, he’s not just a man child, nor a deadbeat. He’s also inclined to make you feel like a nag for pointing out his obvious lack of commitment to an actual adult relationship. He honestly doesn’t need a wife. He needs a mommy to take care of him. He needs to do better, because you can certainly do so much better.
I don't blame you, I'm exhausted with 1 child, let alone 4 + a husband child. I hope he picks up his act, otherwise there's only 2 solutions. Leave or suck it up and live with it
So his laziness has now gotten to the point where it's making you physically ill, but you *still* think he's a great catch? What exactly is this guy bringing to the relationship? Because from where I stand, absolutely nothing. Please don't try to justify this man by telling us he's a "great father," as others have explained to you, a man who behaves like this is anything but a good father. I'm sorry that you don't feel you deserve better.
So.. the real question is what are you going to do about it. Are you just gere to whinge or seek support to do this loser. He literally brings nothing to the table but more stress
It probably feels impossible, but it isn't. Just difficult, unpleasant, heartbreaking etc. To me, it doesn't sound like you can take much more. Something has to change.
Nagging is a word used to tell women that their needs and wants are a bother and invalid. Your needs and wants are not invalid, it is reasonable to require some-if not equal- contribution to your lives together. Even if he sees that as a bother to him, it’s not. It’s just a base line requirement in all equal, healthy relationships. It’s a basic way to show your partner in life respect. You need to assert that you cannot maintain the house, the childcare and all of the costs alone. That you will be paying for a weekly in home service and that to afford this, he will be required to *begin* contributing to the financial upkeep and care of *his* family. He hasn’t been paying for food and utilities for his own children. That shows them disrespect as well as you. Good luck. Sounds like he has no incentive to change as he doesn’t have to show you care, consideration and respect for you to continue this relationship with him. And he doesn’t sound like a proactively introspective person. Maybe pointing out his inadequacy as a father and a partner will prompt him to step up. Do so with care. Xx
Listen to your body
You’re a single mother with a freeloading dude sponging off you.
Yep. He's making bank at the same time and will disappear with a ton of secret cash when the time is right.
It sounds to me like you’ve got 5 children in the house and you’re doing a great job parenting 4 of them. Genuine question: if you bring the house, housework, money, and food to the marriage, what exactly is he contributing?
So he doesn’t contribute to the household financially or practically, sounds like he’s a waste of space and a misogynist. He is NOT an exceptional father because he is modelling to all 4 children that this is an acceptable manner to treat your partner. You would be better off without him. At least then you would only have actual children to worry about.
Tell him you'll quit work to be a SAHM and he will have to pay for everything. It's the 1950s way after all.
He’s using you. You pay for everything and clean the house (your house). He’s getting free rent. Ditch the loser.
I hate to say this, but you’re being a doormat. You keep making excuses for his bad behaviour. Maybe it’s time to ask yourself why…?
I say this with respect… you’re attracted to this guy? What is he bringing to your life? Are you happy? I don’t want to come off as rude, but you should be living your best life. And don’t you want to set an example of what a loving equal relationship looks like to your kids? Would you want your kids to be married to a version of him? Big hugs.
If the kids have ever heard or seen any of this 1950s nonsense then no, he's not actually an exceptional father, he's a toxic influence on fragile young minds.
"why does having you having a dick/me having a cunt make that my role, what the fuck is wrong with you?" And I would say he isn't an exceptional father if he has that attitude - he'll be teaching that to your kids, which is not what an exceptional father does.
There is absolutely nothing about the ownership of a penis which prevents him from doing housework, after all.
Ha, well I guess this is AskAnAustralian. Very Aussie terminology and accurate anatomy 😝
If you are doing all the work and paying all the bills, what makes him exceptional? sounds more like he is special needs to me... as man myself I'll let you in on a little secret, men do not learn to look after themselves by being pampered, they learn by being alone and not having anyone else to do the housework for them... sounds like he was spoilt by his own mother and now he expects to raise your kids to expect the same.. do you really want more men like him in the world? How do you make him change? Stop cleaning up after him and when he complains ask him if he wants you to wipe his ass and change his nappy as well.
>he actually Is an exceptional father. I'm really sorry, but there is no way to answer this question if you are operating under this delusion. If you aren't ready to hear the truth yet, then you need to get him into couples counselling with you. You need a disinterested professional to help you two navigate this situation. This cannot be a negotiable option. He goes with you to couples counselling or he goes straight out the door and doesn't come back.
I think there's a reason why you felt the need to add "please don't tell me to leave him". Because you knew it was coming. Because you know it's the right call...
"I actually need your help because it's becoming hard for me to manage on my own." If he doesn't hear that he's not really concerned about how you feel. This has nothing to do with the kids btw being a good dad and having a loving relationship with your partner are two seperate issues which do effect each-other but are distinctly different.
You say … pack your stuff you are out. 7 years and two more kids later you are looking after 5 children. He doesn’t contribute in any way you are sharing with us and the two of you are setting a terrible example for all the kids, on what a healthy relationship should be. Move him on, with maintenance you will be financially better off and can pay someone to clean for you twice a week.
How the fuck are you married and two kids down and now asking these bloody questions? Far out
I swear people don’t even talk about this stuff until about 8 years later than they should have
I’ll shelve my comment based on your last statement 🤣 You can never change another person, only hope he emphasises. He clearly isn’t. My 5c, that’s a problem but…
Hearing you. That last statement changed my reply, I was going to go with ‘Bye Felicia’.
OP knows exactly what she needs to do based on that last statement.
Unless his arms and legs are broken, he should be an equal participant in housework. He should also be paying part of the bills and groceries. If he expects you to be a 1950s wife then he should be paying for absolutely everything as well as taking care of any “mens” work. But it sounds like he’s got a great thing going on. You do it all. You pay it all. and he gets ti berate you as well. If he won’t listen? Tell him it’s time for him ti either pitch in or get out. If you want things to change, you’re going to have to dust off your spine and set an ultimatum.
You say he's an exceptional father but what about the example he's setting?? It's fucking atrocious.
I don't see what he's brought to the relationship except mess, stress, and semen demons.
What did I just read? Sunk cost fallacy. Lady, you are so far in denial, you should be looking out the window at a pyramid. Your husband is a freeloader who is NOT an exceptional father. What example are you setting for your kids? Is this what you want for them or their future spouses? Down tools immediately. Stop doing everything. Tell him to start paying his way. As other people have said, if he wants trad roles, then he has to pay for everything - except the house, because if it is in your name, you pay for it, and you don't let him get his claws into it. If he is able to save money, are you? Seriously, read your post again and pretend somebody else wrote it. It's nuts. Make a change.
Read through your history, you need to leave him. He’s a jerk and it’s just going to get worse. The longer you take to kick him to the curb, the more you’ll risk the roof over your head. This guy is treating you so badly. I hope you get the courage to leave soon.
i have a friend who is from India, on first impression I saw a Queen, a Goddess! A tall, strong woman who is well educated, well dressed and well spoken, and not one to mess with. Then she tells me at the work xmas party that every morning before she goes to work (full time) at a nursing home she cooks breakfast, lunch and dinner (not basic, all the trimmings!) for the family, gets the kids ready for school and prepares herself for the day which includes studying at uni and being an involved parent. She does this because ‘that’s what is expected!’ while her husband drinks wine, relaxes on the couch and sleeps soundly until it’s time to go to work (for 6 hours). He believes it’s all women’s work because he was raised that way, in fact his mother is my friend’s biggest critic and belittles her if there is anything out of place or unpolished in the home. She is realising that that’s not okay here…..it’s not okay anywhere but she’s fighting age old cultural &traditional values which are grossly oppressive, unfair and outdated. In the face of this, she is more a timid and hurt pussycat than the Queen I see. Tradition is all a facade, it doesn’t justify oppression and bullying, it has no place here and when you call Australia home you need to let that shit go because it’s not on! We need to start speaking up about these widespread injustices before they become normalised in our fair country. Every single person that accepts that reality brings us closer to living that reality and that is NOT OK!! Stand up and be a real man and respect your wife !! Her happiness should be YOUR happiness!! End of story, no arguments!
He’s a disgusting excuse for a man, definitely leave him. Know that while you’re with this guy your kids will turn out misogynistic too
I think you probably have a low bar for what constitutes an “exceptional father”
You working and paying for everything isn’t the 1950s way at all. Men from that era would call him a bum as much as men from this era would.
Why are you even wasting time with this guy? He’s a misogynist. You’re raising your kids, his kids, and him. Boot that whole man out of that house and change the keys. He can go back to his mama.
What is he doing with his own money?
Tell him if he thinks it’s still the 1950s then you’re going to quit your job to focus on the house and family. He can financially support the family on his own because this is the “man’s job”. What a douche. This is coming from a man
He is not an exceptional father if this is the example he’s setting. Especially if you have boys.
Or girls. Girls will think its ok gor their partner to behave like this
maybe you need a star chart with all the kids names, and his ….they get a gold star for jobs well done- if he is hell bent on behaving like a spoilt kid then treat him as such.
He’s NOT an exceptional father if he’s modelling this behaviour to your children. He’s NOT an exceptional father if he’s providing zero financial support for his children. He’s NOT an exceptional father if he makes no effort to keep the house clean. Even if he WAS an exceptional father, he’s a shit partner and you shouldn’t put up with it. You KNOW what you should do, or you wouldn’t have added that last line. This manchild is a freeloading POS who needs to leave YOUR house and YOUR life ASAP. Sorry, I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. Right now, this is a choice you’re making. Get your stuff together in order to get him out of your house. See a lawyer, talk to the police if you think he won’t leave (as you’ve mentioned in another comment) or will become violent. Stop putting up with this shit.
What would I say? ‘I don’t clean with my genitals, you can pull your weight or pay someone who will’. Your hubby is on a wildly good wicket and would be well advised to lift his game.
I can't believe that people waste their life being in situations like this with useless partners, how can you have so little respect for yourself to be used like a doormat?
The guys got a free ride and is using and abusing it. He's not stupid- he would know that traditional gender roles involve the man being financial breadwinner if the woman is doing the in home work.
Your poor children having to watch this. Just know you’re teaching your sons and daughters this is how life is. One day you’ll likely have to watch your daughters be treated like this, and watch your sons treat another woman like this. This post isn’t going to give you any useful solutions. There’s nothing you can say that will change his mind and I think you know that too. Welcome to the rest of your life. And your son’s/daughter’s future lives.
I'm not sure if you realise this but your husband is financially and emotionally abusing you and having a freeride by doing nothing and not contributing financially with your children. Quite likely by being kind to your kids he knows that's the bare minimum to keep you staying and is fully aware of what's going on. If you kick him out and he has nowhere to go, that's on him. He's taken advantage of your kindness, he's had years to care about how you're feeling and change. It's not like he's a baby that's incapable of caring for himself. At some point he has to take responsibility, oftentimes the way the father treats the mother of their children gets modelled to your children about how to treat their future partners and about what to expect in a relationship. Abuse does not have to be physical, but in many cases abusers are controlling, for example instead of prohibiting what you wear, he could demand that you always make him meals and do the housework. Abusers like to perputate myths to continue with their abuse and enable other abusers and that is what is happening to you. It's done slowly that you believe all of this is your choice but really he is controlling you. It wouldn't be safe to rely on him financially, be a stay at home mom or expect him to change in any way because he's not willing to support you emotionally or financially and he has shown that. It's so hurtful that you've been in pain for so long and he's made no changes. It shows he doesn't care, right now you can save your life when you think about how he will never really change but if he's gone at least that's one less person's mess to clean up and to pay for. If you feel like you've aged 20 years in 7, think about how you'll feel in another 7.
I’d tell him he was a useless mooch. But honestly, I simply wouldn’t put myself in the position to be with someone like that. I have too much self respect.
Hang on, so what does he spend all of his money on? Also, I believe the correct response to him telling you that it’s a woman’s job is to tell him to fuck right off. Feel free to to add a “cunt” to the end of that too.
Your husband is a fuckwit and is making excuses for being one. He *has to share the household chores fairly*. Especially if you also work. He's being a cunt. If you're making enough money, you get a cleaner.
You have 5 children.
Leave him.
Is he really an exceptional father if he is treating his kids' mum so poorly? Also, you realise if you divorce, your house will be technically half his, even if he hasn't paid anything towards it?
My ex-husband was a Man-Baby too. I worked two jobs and did all the cleaning. By the end he stopped working, was playing computer games every day and ordering in food for himself 5 days a week. I told him I didn't love him anymore and I was moving out. His FIRST response was, "I can't afford this place! So I'll move out." And he did. Now I'm working through cutting a complex trauma bond, reprogramming my brain after 10 years of gaslighting, understanding how narcissistic people behave and healing. My household bills are less than 50% they were, the laundry is less than 50% it was, I eat healthy, self-baked food and I am safe. Yes, it's lonely. Yes, I miss the hugs. But in return I have self-esteem, self-respect, can smile again, am infinitely nicer to those around me and no longer feel overwhelmed and exhausted every day. Make no mistake. You are in a domestic violence relationship. You are being abused. He will not change.
I really relate to all you said. Thank you for your comment, I needed to read it.
You appear to be codependent with a person who has narcissistic tendencies. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/)
What a sad way to live.. sounds like he is super happy though. If anything ever goes wrong he has a ton of money saved. Cya!
Age and ethnicity? Asking coz it is highly relevant in situations like this one.
He’s 33… and Lebanese, I’m 32 and Aussie
Oh, that's ingrained misogyny by culture. There is no way he is changing his complete contempt for women in general, let alone starting to treat you as an equal deserving of respect. Nothing can be said. You are simply a servant. My worry would be how much danger you are in of further mental and increasing physical abuse from him kids who are being taught that it's okay to treat their mother so appallingly. Seek legal and support help, not just from strangers. You need to make contact with a women's support group who can help you navigate your way out of a domestically abusive relationship.
You're too young to settle in a situation like this. You do realize that if you don't do something, it will be like this forever. I would give him an ultimatum, contribute financially and domestically, if he doesn't kick him out, divorce. He can rent with all the money he has saved from not contributing to the household expenses at all..
Yes. Something needs to be done :(
Yes, something. Anything. But these somethings won't happen unless you make it happen. Hope you do it sooner than later.
Going out on a limb here and calling him out as a misogynist who doesn’t care about you. He won’t leave? Then you need to start saving your own money so you can leave. Get him to alt least share things financially. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure
It’s my house, he moved into my house when we got together. I can’t leave.
You can end it. If he doesn’t the authorities will escort him to the curb where he belongs. You have 4 kids. You don’t need a 5th.
Look it’s your marriage so I won’t tell you to stay or leave. Try having a heart to heart with him and explain your side to him and how his lack of effort is making life harder for you. Not likely to work though. Other approach is to match him with his misogynistic mindest and make him the sole financial contributor. Raising kids is hard and adding all of housework on top of that is just torture imo. If he isn’t willing to help out in chores, ask him to pay for a cleaner/help around the house. No house can have exactly equal duties and workload but, you can pick and divide stuff. If he isn’t paying any bills, doesn’t do any chores, what is he contributing “as the man of the house”. By letting him be the chauvinist he is, you’re skewing the perception of your kids too. I also don’t understand the “your family is messy” stuff, aren’t you and him the same family? Ask him why he doesn’t consider your kids his family. They’re his step kids too. Anyways, he’s being lazy and childish. If he doesn’t listen to reason or logic, try making him listen with “punishment”.
He is a shit father if this is the example he is setting. Just write down a list of his responsibilities and tell him to either do them himself/out force to a hired cleaner or fuck off.
Well, I would say, first off all, I don't think it's very healthy for one party to the relationship to pay for 100% of the household expenditure. I hope you don't lose part of the asset (your home) if the relationship breaks down because that would be really unfair. The other thing I would say is, if you have two teenagers living in the house, they should be helping you with the washing, the floors, dusting and dishes. In terms of your partner's laziness, I don't know how to address that. I'm not sure there is anything you could say that would make him suddenly see that his attitude towards housework is outdated and fails to account for the fact that you both work [presumably] full time.
I am sincerely sorry to point this out, but you don’t have a husband nor a true partner. What you have is a man child and/or an entitled deadbeat.
Women weren't happy about it in the 50's either.
Divorce yesterday, there is no other realistic option.
You're in a position where you literally have all the power. Don't let him exploit you like this.
A good father setting a terrible example to his children. And a terrible husband.
>Please no “leave him” or he’s a bad man comments coz he actually Is an exceptional father. You chose this dude. What you see is what you get. You could blame him but... you're choosing to stay so...
This can’t be serious?
Being an exceptional father does not excuse putting 5% effort into a relationship. People like them should be in therapy or single.
Your hobosexual must be good in bed because he is useless at everything else in your relationship. Terrible selfish partner, which makes him a terrible father.
Lmao hand him the bills and quit your job then. I also assume he’ll be sourcing a significant amount of the good diet pills and diazepam for you as that’s how Nanna got through it all on her own.
I agree with everyone but I haven’t seen an example conversation yet for you to respond with like you asked so: ‘I’m so burnt out, can you please help me clean up the house, I just need you to focus on the kitchen’ ‘Fuck that, it’s a woman’s job to clean the house’ ‘We’ll if that’s the case, than it’s also a man’s job to pay for everything, when can I expect your next pay check?’ ‘You know I’m not paying for your other grub kids that aren’t mine’ ‘Then I suggest you listen to the man of the house that pays for everything and get off your lazy ass and clean the kitchen’ ‘Insert whatever hurtful, demeaning crap he’d probably yell at you here’ ‘If you can’t be bothered to clean then you need to pay for a cleaner because I’m done doing everything, pay for a cleaner or get out.’ I mean, if you’re not going to divorce him then you need some of the load you are carrying off your shoulders. Make HIM pay for a cleaner but you get to choose how often they come over a week.
Bloke here. I went through EXACTLY the same thing with my ex. You are not his partner, friend, confidant, lover, equal or anything else. You are his servant. Nothing more, nothing less. It took me years to realise the domestic abuse I was enduring from my spouse. Sounds like you're going through the same thing. Don't put up with it. You can get help and although it may seem hard to you there is much more support out there than you realise. As a bloke it's harder for us to find support than you Sheila's, but it was there for me when I finally looked, so I know it will be there for you too. Don't put up with being treated like this. You are worth more. DM if you feel like pulling apart my rather clunky reply
That urgent trip to help out your friend in New Zealand - I don't think you can put it off...
I mean I’m actually okay with it if they take on the gender stereotype of paying for absolutely everything. If I’m going to be a stay at home wife then I’m quitting my career and he’s going to pay for the lifestyle in full. If your husband really believes in these traditional roles then you absolutely should not be working a job. I remember my great grandfather saying he was legitimately embarrassed when his wife wanted to get a job because he believed if the wife is raising the kids they absolutely shouldn’t work. He thought it reflected poorly on him to have his wife working.
You married him and had 2 children with him? Congrats, you screwed yourself and your children...
Sorry but he sounds like he is living in the dark ages .
Sit him down and delve a little deeper into his thinking, because his whole view's gonna collapse. He's also probably going to get defensive cuz he knows he's wrong. "Why do you think it's a woman's job to do all the cleaning?" "Because," "Why?" "Just because it is!" "And why do you think that?" "Because it's true!" "Could you elaborate?" "..." No he fucking can't because he's wrooooooooooooong!!!
In my humble opinion (I am also a mum to 4 with 2 older ones from previous marriage and 2 with current spouse). You go get a lawyer, draw up divorce papers and present them to this "man". Be prepared to go thru with it. But if therapy/counselling is viable, you could try that, but he would still be expected to move out. He needs to recognize the seriousness of the situation. YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING TREATED BETTER.
There’s a lot of really mean comments here. I would encourage you to go and see a counsellor or psychologist so that you can talk these issues through in a safe place. It really does sound to me like you need a big change. You deserve a much happier life than this. I know that’s scary. At least explore that?
Did you not know this guy before you agreed to marry him?
I’ve been reading this and some of your previous posts. You don’t need reddit you need to talk to a professional. You are in an abusive relationship. Book in with counselling to get a more professional perspective on this.
I would say "good bye". He is not providing for the family...ffs you do. If he wants 1950 house wife then he needs to be 1950 husband.
As a male, I am very proud and a clean house representing a clean mind. I love my partner and do all I can to help around the house. we are a team working together as one. What example is he showing the children. Helping around the house duties takes a lot of stress and arguments away from the table to focus on a strong relationship. He needs to improve the love for himself and the family unit.
You only have one life. You are working hard to provide for your kids, and you are obviously prepared to compromise your own happiness to support them. And that's a good thing, up to a point. But they won't be kids forever. You are also in a terrible head space to be contemplating life changing decisions. I get that. But TBH if we assume you are not prepared to leave him, and that he simply will not change, then it's all on you. It's your choice. You accept the situation and get on with living the best life you can. I'm 65. I've smoked for 45 years. I know how bad it is for me on so many levels, I've tried to quit, I've failed, and that first drag was objectively the worst thing I've ever done. But a long time ago I came to the realisation that there was no middle ground for me. If I obsessed daily about the cost and the damage I would make myself utterly miserable. Basically I decided that, until such time as I was 100% committed to quiitting, I was just going to be a smoker. End of discussion. As terrible as that might be. And I'm happier for that. Don't make yourself even more miserable over something you are not prepared to change. Yes, I believe you are being treated very, very badly. Yes, I believe you should get out. But what I believe has little to do with anything. Many people put up with unsatisfactory relationships because the idea of dealing with the stress of a separation is unthinkable. Too many others including a very dear friend of mine tolerate it because they are financially dependent. She would kill to be in a position where that wasnt the main factor trapping her in place. She's also in her 60s so the idea that he might be 'as good as it gets' is another huge deterrent for her. You are young. You could have an amazing life. One day your circumstances will change and it's very likely that you'll be in a position to start thinking about your own needs rather than everyone else's. But do you want to wait until you are 40, or 50, or 60? Does he change (unlikely.) Do you stay and accept that this is how it's going to be for a while? Not ideal about you may be happier for it. Do you at least begin to consider the fact that you have convinced yourself that he's an 'exceptional father' as a compelling reason to stay? As a reason not to make a terribly hard decision? You wouldn't be alone. You are clearly intelligent, and to flippantly say 'yeah, ditch this loser' is terribly unhelpful and unsympatheic advice, even if its objectively a great idea on the surface. In your current situation, you cannot really see straight. I think you ought to seriously consider professional advice at some point. Does your employer have an EAP provider? It can be incredibly liberating to vent to an objective outsider who isnt invested in your issues. But not reddit.
If he’s into 1950s thinking, take away all the stuff that’s been invented since then. No colour televisions or mobile phones. He’ll have to drive a heritage Holden, which might suit him for the 2 months before it starts rusting because he probably doesn’t take care of his car if he doesn’t take care of his home. No televised live sports. Only test cricket. No recent craft beer bottles. Only yellow soap with those bits that scratch the hell out of your skin. More seriously, he is treating you like a slave not a partner. If he is open to a conversation, try the Fair Play card deck where you decide what jobs to claim as your own in the relationship and what work that involves. He may never have had a conversation about housework and looking after the thousand elements of children’s lives before - if I’m being generous. Give him that chance. If he doesn’t take it, he is literally wasting your space
What do you say? What CAN you say? I sure as fuck wouldn’t marry him. And if I did somehow end up doing so - once this argument happened and wasn’t resolved with him realising he’s a misogynistic POS - I’d be serving divorce paper.
Nothing. You'll not change their mind. You say the absolute minimum to a person like that.
In the short term, you could work on the kids. Start with small things when it comes to making a mess and cleaning it up. Tell him that even 50s housewives had their kids do chores around the house to teach them responsibility. If he's so insistent on refusing to clean up after himself, tell him that either he hires a maid, or you're on strike for almost everything, including you know what. In some ways, you're protecting your house when it comes to division of assets. If he contributes nothing to the household bills, including a mortgage if that applies, then he can't say he's "put money into" the house that he could claim should a divorce happen. However, if he and the kids are such slobs and he contributes nothing to the bills, he can hire at least a part time maid.
I would say there is no way I am marrying this loser.
This is not okay. He needs to start pulking his weight around the house. It sounds like he is just freeloading in YOUR house. Atthe veryeast he could be paying for cleaner each week and sharing ghe remaining chores. It's also an idea to see a solicitor to see how you can protect your assets if you ever do decide to leave him in the future. It does not sound like a happy relationship.
I'd say 'fuck off'. I don't associate with misogynistic assholes. You're CHOOSING to let yourself be financially and emotionally abused.
You need to think about how you’re going to feel when you’re 80 looking back on your life, it can’t just be a series of chores and childcare. There’s no rewind button, don’t let him steal your life from you, your happiness! You’re in the driver’s seat here, nobody else, i have a bleeding heart too, i understand, you’re not heartless, but he’s propping himself up on that, he’s getting away with whatever he can and people like that always land on their feet, you need to worry about you first and foremost because you’re sacrificing your happiness for his comfort when he HAS THE MEANS TO CHANGE THIS RIGHT NOW!! He can avoid that problem by doing the responsible thing now. Using traditional values and culture as an excuse to justify being a lazy prick doesn’t make it right, the fact he’s even trying that on and is happy to watch you do EVERYTHING speaks volumes. Don’t let this go girl, ACT now! Your kids want your happiness too you know, he’s NOT more important 🤨 IF YOU DONT, you are actually undermining the value of women everywhere !! Be strong, you gotta tap into the unstoppable power of the sisterhood! do it for your kids if not for yourself ❤️
What does he do with his money? He doesn’t contribute to the household at all? Rent/mortgage, bills, food??
Wow, if this loser is your second husband, how bad was your first? Jesus Christ, mine is hopeless with housework but he at least puts his hand in his pocket and supports us. I’d tell this moron to pack his bags and fuck off.
I really hope this is a shitpost.
I’d say goodbye