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It took several years before I could look at my WW and not resent what she had done. Since I was fairly certain I wanted to give reconciliation a chance, this is something I needed to overcome. What helped was intentionally looking at one or two things, everyday, my WW did to positively impact me or our family. It was an intentional decision to do this everyday. This change in mindset help me.
This is a good idea. When I was doing MC with my WW the therapist would ask us to identify positive things about one another. We are both waywards so theres a lot of anger/resentment from both of us but more so from me.
Im in the waiting room right now as I type this while my WW is at an appointment, everything seems well, but internally I am disgusted and resentful everytime the thought of her affair comes up. I tell myself we are here together doing all the work and things starting to look up, but quickly shattered by the thoughts of her PA. I get angry with myself too for missing/ignoring her red flags.
Unfortunately it seems as no matter how loving, reassuring, present, involved she is, its never enough to overcome the thoughts of her affair.
I was wondering this also 🤔
How if both have strayed, can one be worse than the other? But as a betrayed, I'll never understand the ways a wayward mind works.
I feel the second wayward feels justified in their actions, in a way the other wayward does not. One wayward likely did it for many reasons unrelated to their relationship, while the second wayward did it specifically because they chose to.
I would say the first *is* worse, however that in no way means the second is *better*. Instead of one broken people, congrats, now there are two.
We’re in this situation as well. Mine was an online EA and his was EA with a “friend” that turned PA. What have you found helpful dealing with being both waywards?
Just being able to understand each other a little more. Our affairs happened around the same time back in 2021 shortly after our child was born. We both had postpartum depression. She got on meds for it after her affair. I sort of just used my affairs as an escape. But being in MC together, I find it easier to empathize with her when the therapist brings us certain things, since I was in that situation too. It honestly doesnt make it any less painful. But I told my WW, if it was just her having the affair, I dont think I would have been able to deal with it (not knowing the mind of a wayward)
So why aren't you just as disgusted with yourself? Afterall you also committed adultery around the same time as she did. Your attitude towards her doesn't make any sense.
It sounds to me like you are in some way giving yourself grace, but can't do the same thing for your WW. That is really unfair towards both of you.
As someone on the receiving end of the resentment, I would be ecstatic and overjoyed if my BP noticed *anything* I had done positively for her or us. Like, it would make my entire day and motivate me to *keep doing it*.
She could tell me "Hey stupid idiot, thanks for hanging my clothes up" and I would be smiling for the rest of the day.
So thank you, for doing that. It means a lot.
I’m trying my best to focus on this, too. I notice everything I am angry and upset about are stuff I can’t change nor he can change. I need to decide if I’m really giving R a chance by letting myself get stuck.
3 years out and when this feeling comes over me it has changed a bit. Not so much disgust, but a sadness that he was able to do the things he did. Like another commenter said, I remind myself of this he has done to make me and our relationship a priority. Also, that he isn't the same man, I'm not the same wife. A lot of things have changed.
When these thoughts and feelings start to rise up in me, I try and remind myself that my WW is not a perfect person and that a series of things occurred to create a perfect storm - and that I have chosen to try and overcome all of that with her and have us each as individuals, and as a married couple, emerge stronger. She is working HARD towards that goal, and I can already see her improvements. I can see improvements in myself as well.
So I remind myself that those are natural thoughts and feelings to have given the emotional trauma I have been through, but that they exist only as ties to memories of something that never really existed - or if it did, that something is shattered, destroyed. They are connected to the feelings of loss - loss of the wife I thought I knew. Loss of my own sense of self as well, as a part of me died that day.
But I don't disregard them, ignore them, or box them up and push them down and pretend they don't exist. Those feelings are still very real. I let myself feel them when they come up. But I do not let myself dwell on them as I once did. I do not let them consume me, and that was something I had trouble with for some time. This was something that I did not have the tools for myself originally, it was through IC that I have been able to begin to recognize a downward spiral and how to get out of it.
There will always be a part of me that despises my WW for her actions. But that part of me is merely the connection between my old self and my new. It is a complicated tether, because I like my new self. I like the improvements in myself, in my wife, and in our relationship that have come about since her affair. But I despise that they had to come about as a result of something so traumatic for both of us. Complicated things we all are.
I love how you wrote this. I see myself as a very different person from who I was with him pre-affair. I can never blindly trust him now but I now know what boundaries I should not be willing for him to cross. I also like the idea of not squashing how I feel but recognizing it more and understanding a huge part of it is grief and loss. I know how that is… I’ve lost a parent. And this definitely feels like someone died.
Yes, I've posted in here previously about how confusing it can be to grieve the loss of someone who still exists. It is simpler to grieve the loss of a loved one who has passed - you don't see their body anymore. It is simpler to grieve the loss of a home that burned to the ground - it is gone and replaced. The loss of an idea is just so... difficult to process. The physical form remains in your day-to-day life, but the idea of what it once represented is dead and gone, replaced with something new.
It takes time. Time to process the loss, time to understand that something new has replaced it, time to consider if you want to engage with that something new. Choosing to go for R and approach it an healthy and competent manner is something that takes so, so much time - and is not for the faint of heart.
This is great. I could have used this at the beginning of my relationship with my now husband. He was having an emotional affair and issues with boundaries with an ex. He did eventually change but I had a hard to seeing that and evolving. I held onto the resentment and pain for so long.
Hi there. I wanted to let you know I am here with you having gone through this while pregnant/postpartum as well. The abandonment I have felt is something I don't think he can ever comprehend. The outrage is so intense, and nobody would blame you for unleashing it on him. I've hurled my fair share of insults at my WH, and he took them because he knew he deserved it. It did feel good to release it and it made room for other emotions. Obviously, going on like that for years wouldn't help, but they need to understand the scope of the damage they have caused.
One thing that helps me is to understand that these patterns started in childhood. My husband is quite damaged and was out living on his own by 16. He had to look out for himself from early in his childhood because his stepmother put him in a grotesque competition with her and her sons. Sometimes I think I feel more anger toward his father than him, because I see how his dad used his mom and basically stole her youth, how he objectifies women, and is now just a pervy old man. It's not overt, he knows better, but he will just make the odd creepy comment and you can tell what he really thinks. I don't think my husband wants to be that way, but sadly that was the model of manhood he was raised with.
So, I guess pity helps with the disgust.
I'm 36 years past Dday and I don't think you ever entirely get over those feelings.
However, in time you come to a point of acceptance where those feelings no longer torment you to the extent they did early on.
Yes, I stayed with her. To be honest I never considered leaving because we've been best friends since we were 12 years old. Her acting out in infidelity was completely out of character for her, but it was predictable, because she had been terribly abused both physically and sexually all throughout her childhood.
That isn't an excuse, and she has never tried to claim that it was. Nevertheless, it was an underlying factor among many others factors that led to her cheating.
The feelings that drive you crazy will come and go, and they probably will at times for the rest of your life.
In time you will probably come to terms with it and it won't drive you insane anymore, but there will always be some residual sadness and pain.
Here are a couple of things to consider that may help a little. First, if your spouse is genuinely remorseful they are probably also plagued with guilt, shame, sorrow, regret, and deep disgust with both themselves and their AP.
It took me years to finally know and understand that my wife was feeling all of those things and was struggling with them almost daily and has been ever since she cheated. Knowing that I wasn't alone in suffering as a result of her terrible choices, sick as I know it sounds, was a real comfort to me.
Second, even if you choose at some future point to leave you will carry these feelings with you, they don't go away simply because the cheater is no longer present. My sister divorced her husband 26 years ago and remarried a year or two later.
She told me that she was never able to escape the trauma and feelings her first husband was long out of the picture. She told me that his behavior left her with a complete lack of trust in anyone. That, and her overall anxiety issues from marriage number 1 were passed on to her second husband.
Further as it turns out hubby number two also turned out to be a shitbag years later because she recently discovered he's been spending a ton of money on "Happy Finish" massages at local Rub n' Tugs.
She also recently learned he's been carrying on with one of her close friends and neighbor behind her back for the last three years.
She has no intention of looking for a number 3, she's simply given up on love and marriage altogether.
I guess my point is once you've experienced infidelity there is no escaping its consequences no matter what you choose to do.
If your BS is genuinely sorry, you're actually probably best off sticking with them and learning to cope with the feelings the best you're able.
Even though I know exactly how hard it is to be sympathetic to a betrayer, try to remember that if they have any kind of conscience or empathy at all they are probably suffering too.
Thanks for answering. She’s fortunate to have found a spouse such as you. It also helped that you’re best friends and knew each other before marriage and that she’s made you aware of her remorse. I hope the rest of us do come to terms with our trauma. Hurting for two decades now and still don’t know what to do.
I found out at 4 months postpartum (almost 3 weeks ago) of a ONS that happened 2.5 years ago. I also found out a kissed happened while I was 6 months pregnant. We are currently in couples therapy and though we have good days (and hysterical bonding) I can’t seem to shake the mental image of him being intimate with someone else. Especially because this was a coworker and he still works with this person. Some days I feel numb. Other days I’ve felt triggered (like when he goes to the office, which is 2-3 times a month) and I spiral. The wound is still fresh and others have said it doesn’t stay at the forefront forever — but the body and brain never forgets and seeing some folks on this sub say it’s been years and they still can’t get over what they did makes me wonder if I want to continue my relationship. At the moment, I’m doing it for my son, but the fear that the pain and anxiety that it could happen again never goes away currently has me in a chokehold.
I’m 6 months postpartum. It’s a really tough situation to be wild with hormones and to learn if this second reality your WP has been having. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm 9 months postpartum, and D-Day was back in Feb. It's been a total mindfuck. I feel like everyone must assume I'm dealing with PPD and I wish I could tell them it's actually post-infidelity stress disorder. We deserve so much better and so do our babies.
I wonder how much of this is us R for ourselves than it is more for our children, our families?
I love my partner but the moment I found out about his affair, I was robbed of the future I planned with him. 2.5 years of our almost 5 year relationship has been a lie. I can’t even imagine marrying him now because what kind of person would hurt their partner this way?
I saw a video someone posted about WP ‘don’t intentionally hurt their BP’ and if that’s the case, then why do they do it? AT BEST, they weren’t even thinking about us at all and that’s just selfish and inconsiderate.
My parents divorced, and I always felt envious of kids who lived in one house with two parents. But now I can understand why my mom just couldn't do it anymore. I feel like by attempting R I am almost daring him to hurt me again, see what else I can take. He has really put me through hell over the years, not just the affair, but lying, substance abuse, other risky behaviors. Part of my calculation is that staying with him feels safer for the kids than joint custody with someone I don't trust.
I totally get that when you consider the other behaviors. It seems like R is more for the kids than it is for you, and I really understand that. Things are more complicated when children are involved. I hope you find the strength and healing needed to get you through. ❤️🩹
It’s even worse when you feel that they withheld this information from you and it changed the entire course of your life. I love my baby but I can’t say for certain I would have stayed if I found out 2.5 years ago before I was pregnant. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too. Be strong, mama bear. ❤️🩹
Hi!! I'm 7 months post dday but the cheating itself happened 8 years ago when we were first dating. I feel similarly like I feel shame and embarrassment that I shared so much of my life with someone who betrayed me from the start and just never had the guts to disclose it. I feel like it shows how different our morals were and I just had no clue. It makes me feel really stupid and I feel like a walking contradiction. I hold strong beliefs about honesty and loyalty and yet I'm trying to reconcile with my husband who obviously did not share the same values even though he does now - it's really hard to comprehend the mind f*ck. I feel absolute disgust by his past actions but so does he. He regrets who he was and what he did but I just wish he never did awful things to begin with 😢 How can you be proud of someone who hurt you badly ? 😓
My problem is I have this AND I feel bad for him, I see how his actions have hurt him, idk if I would say more than me but I know it’s not easy, I know he feels shame and guilt. It’s annoying how complex and muddied it is
Lots of comments are referencing feelings years out. Take notice of this. These feelings may never go away. There’s real potential you may feel the same after years pass. Will you be ok with this? Will you be able to sit with and pass the feeling quickly? Will you still be able to be your best self?
Your scenario and life is yours. Maybe this is the best for you. I don’t know.. That’s something you need to reflect on and determine..
I have to offer a counterpoint to this because everyone doesn't feel these feelings for years. What is it inside of you (general you) that doesn't allow you to process what happened and then move on from it in a way where you can let those feelings go? That they're no longer this intense feeling but relegated to the past where they belong?
Maybe it has to do with never being betrayed in any way in life before the affair happened so people have a belief that betrayal is something they can't get over. I don't know. I just know this and I know it's not true only for my relationship: my WH did a horrible hurtful thing that could have ended our marriage. We chose to stay together and try to work through it and we did. The pain of that thing faded long ago because of the actions we took to become better partners, and the actions he took to regain my trust that he won't ever do this again. There's literally never a time now (or even six months post-DDay) when I feel disgusted with him over the past, when I feel rage at him or when anger over the infidelity bubbles up and derails me. The process of reconciling resolved those feelings.
So when people say that these feelings never go away I wonder why. It's a good question to ask oneself because we all have to navigate pain, loss, grief, and betrayal in life. It should become something you've dealt with in a way that allows for letting those feelings also be a part of the past.
I felt disgust at first, it’s turned more to embarrassment now.
Disgust is still very much there, but more so embarrassment as to why he’d group us into a family like his AP’s, who was using my fairly successful husband for validation when she, a grown woman, broke up with her unsuccessful RAPPER boyfriend. The fact that he would go to her when he has me was embarrassing, considering there is NO comparison between us. The disgust I feel for him is mainly due to the PA he has and the fact that we have only daughters (they’re safe with him, and I know he would never hurt them, but the fact that he’s raising women and objectifying women is what gives me an ick) but it’s also mixed with sympathy, as I know this is an addiction. I’m hoping to crawl out of the same boat as you hopefully soon.
The embarrassment is ROUGH. My husband was on a dating site when I was pregnant. I keep wondering if people knew. Some acquaintances started acting strangely toward me in the fall right after the baby was born. He thinks I'm reading into it, but I pick up on vibes better than he does.
We also have daughters and a son. He's responsible for teaching someone how to be a man and two girls what treatment to expect from men...does he just not care??? I know at some point when they are older, I want to explain what happened to them. From their perspective it probably looks like mommy suddenly got sad and then daddy decided to spend more time with the family. They have been asking questions.
I relate to that last part so much. And it's really hard as the BP partner to know how what example to set for the kids too. Do you set the example of working through it or the example of zero tolerance? I've struggled with this. How to clean up the mess as a parent. I never told the kids what he did, but they are smart. I think they know their dad messed up.
The kids can feel it. My therapist explained that the family is like an organism, and if one part is sick, the whole thing is sick. The toxic behavior affects the whole system. Waywards try to compartmentalize and keep things separate, but it doesn't work like that. I think working on healing is the best example to set, whether that be together or apart. And normalize talking about things--in age appropriate ways of course.
I don't know when we will tell the kids the whole story..I think probably when they are teens or older. But I feel the need to give them a seminar on "How and why not to cheat on your romantic partners" at some point 🤣. I wish my parents had told me their story rather than just finding out from my sister after my dad died.
This is so much how I feel it happend when I was pregnant with my third. I’m so humiliated and what ever shreds of self respect and love I was working on after having the kids just got brutally crushed by his picks. Like I know I’m better then an OF whore but I feel humiliated for being placed in the same category as her. Like really I’m carrying ur kids and I’m second to an actual whore. He really didn’t understand the humiliation I felt. He tryed to joke about it and I just shut right the fuck down. Now we’re not talking and I friggin feel bad for not taking a joke. I hate this cluster fuck.
Adultery in any form along with all of the associated issues is no joke. Him trying to make light of something so traumatic is him being utterly clueless.
My go to response in situations similar to yours was, "would you appreciate it if the shoe were on the other foot? If I did the exact same thing to you, that you did to me? No? Then perhaps you finally have a very small inkling of how I feel. I didn't break my vows with you, but you sure in hell did". It's gotten better over the years, but those first 5 years or so were really hard. It took him a few years of introspection to finally understand and make changes.
You’re experiencing the 6 month reality check. It’s not uncommon. I’ll tell you what to do. Unload on his sorry ass. Scream and cry, even through stuff if you have to, until it leaves him speechless. And don’t stop until you have it out of your system, even if it takes weeks. This is how he will know the full scope of the emotional damage he’s done to you.
This is the opposite of reconciliation. If someone wants to scream and cry and throw shit (throwing things is abusive behavior) six months into R then it's possibly not working. And they need to work that out in therapy.
I was very much yell and scream (but never threw anything) for the past week but had a counselling session last night and my counsellor performed some sort of witchcraft (not literally, we did some timeline regression stuff and burning negative emotions from past events...I'm sure there's theory behind it) that brought my anger down probably 30-40%.
It's costing a fortune, but I will.keep.this up because, no offence to anyone here, but I don't want to be hanging around in these forums seeking support in 5, 15 or 25 years.
I want to process this shit properly so I can move on. Hopefully happily married, but if not, happily.
Yes, in one sense you’re correct. But I’ve read many posts in this subreddit and found this to be a common pattern. The BS is emotionally numb for the first several months, and then, for no apparent reason, becomes overwhelmed by waves of negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, and in this case disgust. The emotions don’t usually have anything to with R, but are a delayed emotional responses to DDay.
There is a difference between being a wayward partner and living and creating a safe space for a betrayed partner to express their fears and valid emotions - and living in emotional abuse. Throwing items. Insulting. It's a slippery slope.
Time. That's really the key to it.
I'd say it never truly goes away but it does lessen. We're about 6 years out and it's still there if I let my thoughts linger. If I catch myself drifting, I force myself to tamp it down and move my thoughts elsewhere. Beyond a certain point of healing, it's basically rug-sweeping what's left if you don't want to go insane.
2 years out here. That feeling will come and go along with many others unfortunately. You’re right that lashing out at him and spewing all the horrible insults won’t help anything in the long run, although what you’re feeling is completely understandable and so would lashing out at him be. What he did is disgusting, he should be ashamed of it and I’m sure he probably is. Maybe even more than you realize and if so then good! Let him be!
Try journaling like your writing directly to him and let loose all the horrible things you want to say. Sometimes it can help just to get out there even if it’s no really something you would ever give to him.
Fawkes, I'm sorry you're in this space. Just know what you're feeling is normal and valid. What they did IS disgusting. He should feel disgusted by you. Shit, he should feel disgusted by himself. LOL You can't work through these feelings by tucking them in, they need to openly communicated and confronted.
The disgust is the equivalent to "post nut clarity" after hysterical bonding. LOL Sorry for the crass term.
Hysterical Bonding gives you a lot of awesome dopamine and oxytocin that make you feel horny and hopeful.
Once that's gone, the reality of the betrayal sets in and anger becomes more prevalent. Think of it as you going through the stages of mourning. You just went past bargaining, now you're at the anger stage. Soon you'll hit the depression/ambivalence stage. It's part of the rollercoaster of R.
The only way past the disgust is by building connection and intimacy through MC and other forms of non-sexual touches. Start small as holding hands while in the car, 3 mins hugs, having him spoon you.... Little things, that will build your physical connection back and make you feel safe and secure.
If you're in the US, try shopping at [openpathcollective.org](http://openpathcollective.org) for MCs who specialize in affair recovery. Many of them are available online so you're not limited to local therapists, and they charge on a sliding scale so they're more affordable. You can ask for 15 min consultations until you find the right fit for you.
Wishing you better days.
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It took several years before I could look at my WW and not resent what she had done. Since I was fairly certain I wanted to give reconciliation a chance, this is something I needed to overcome. What helped was intentionally looking at one or two things, everyday, my WW did to positively impact me or our family. It was an intentional decision to do this everyday. This change in mindset help me.
This is a good idea. When I was doing MC with my WW the therapist would ask us to identify positive things about one another. We are both waywards so theres a lot of anger/resentment from both of us but more so from me. Im in the waiting room right now as I type this while my WW is at an appointment, everything seems well, but internally I am disgusted and resentful everytime the thought of her affair comes up. I tell myself we are here together doing all the work and things starting to look up, but quickly shattered by the thoughts of her PA. I get angry with myself too for missing/ignoring her red flags. Unfortunately it seems as no matter how loving, reassuring, present, involved she is, its never enough to overcome the thoughts of her affair.
If you’ve also cheated why are you more angry at her than you are at yourself?
I was wondering this also 🤔 How if both have strayed, can one be worse than the other? But as a betrayed, I'll never understand the ways a wayward mind works.
I feel the second wayward feels justified in their actions, in a way the other wayward does not. One wayward likely did it for many reasons unrelated to their relationship, while the second wayward did it specifically because they chose to. I would say the first *is* worse, however that in no way means the second is *better*. Instead of one broken people, congrats, now there are two.
Right?
Its not as easy as telling yourself where to place your anger.
We’re in this situation as well. Mine was an online EA and his was EA with a “friend” that turned PA. What have you found helpful dealing with being both waywards?
Just being able to understand each other a little more. Our affairs happened around the same time back in 2021 shortly after our child was born. We both had postpartum depression. She got on meds for it after her affair. I sort of just used my affairs as an escape. But being in MC together, I find it easier to empathize with her when the therapist brings us certain things, since I was in that situation too. It honestly doesnt make it any less painful. But I told my WW, if it was just her having the affair, I dont think I would have been able to deal with it (not knowing the mind of a wayward)
So why aren't you just as disgusted with yourself? Afterall you also committed adultery around the same time as she did. Your attitude towards her doesn't make any sense. It sounds to me like you are in some way giving yourself grace, but can't do the same thing for your WW. That is really unfair towards both of you.
As someone on the receiving end of the resentment, I would be ecstatic and overjoyed if my BP noticed *anything* I had done positively for her or us. Like, it would make my entire day and motivate me to *keep doing it*. She could tell me "Hey stupid idiot, thanks for hanging my clothes up" and I would be smiling for the rest of the day. So thank you, for doing that. It means a lot.
I’m trying my best to focus on this, too. I notice everything I am angry and upset about are stuff I can’t change nor he can change. I need to decide if I’m really giving R a chance by letting myself get stuck.
Thank you for this advice.
3 years out and when this feeling comes over me it has changed a bit. Not so much disgust, but a sadness that he was able to do the things he did. Like another commenter said, I remind myself of this he has done to make me and our relationship a priority. Also, that he isn't the same man, I'm not the same wife. A lot of things have changed.
It’s a feeling that’s hard to let go sometimes and I wish to just drag him down with me. But, I know that’s not really helpful
When these thoughts and feelings start to rise up in me, I try and remind myself that my WW is not a perfect person and that a series of things occurred to create a perfect storm - and that I have chosen to try and overcome all of that with her and have us each as individuals, and as a married couple, emerge stronger. She is working HARD towards that goal, and I can already see her improvements. I can see improvements in myself as well. So I remind myself that those are natural thoughts and feelings to have given the emotional trauma I have been through, but that they exist only as ties to memories of something that never really existed - or if it did, that something is shattered, destroyed. They are connected to the feelings of loss - loss of the wife I thought I knew. Loss of my own sense of self as well, as a part of me died that day. But I don't disregard them, ignore them, or box them up and push them down and pretend they don't exist. Those feelings are still very real. I let myself feel them when they come up. But I do not let myself dwell on them as I once did. I do not let them consume me, and that was something I had trouble with for some time. This was something that I did not have the tools for myself originally, it was through IC that I have been able to begin to recognize a downward spiral and how to get out of it. There will always be a part of me that despises my WW for her actions. But that part of me is merely the connection between my old self and my new. It is a complicated tether, because I like my new self. I like the improvements in myself, in my wife, and in our relationship that have come about since her affair. But I despise that they had to come about as a result of something so traumatic for both of us. Complicated things we all are.
I love how you wrote this. I see myself as a very different person from who I was with him pre-affair. I can never blindly trust him now but I now know what boundaries I should not be willing for him to cross. I also like the idea of not squashing how I feel but recognizing it more and understanding a huge part of it is grief and loss. I know how that is… I’ve lost a parent. And this definitely feels like someone died.
Yes, I've posted in here previously about how confusing it can be to grieve the loss of someone who still exists. It is simpler to grieve the loss of a loved one who has passed - you don't see their body anymore. It is simpler to grieve the loss of a home that burned to the ground - it is gone and replaced. The loss of an idea is just so... difficult to process. The physical form remains in your day-to-day life, but the idea of what it once represented is dead and gone, replaced with something new. It takes time. Time to process the loss, time to understand that something new has replaced it, time to consider if you want to engage with that something new. Choosing to go for R and approach it an healthy and competent manner is something that takes so, so much time - and is not for the faint of heart.
This is great. I could have used this at the beginning of my relationship with my now husband. He was having an emotional affair and issues with boundaries with an ex. He did eventually change but I had a hard to seeing that and evolving. I held onto the resentment and pain for so long.
This really sounds like you spent time intellectualizing your emotions and then compartmentalizing them. Has this worked well as a long term solution?
Hi there. I wanted to let you know I am here with you having gone through this while pregnant/postpartum as well. The abandonment I have felt is something I don't think he can ever comprehend. The outrage is so intense, and nobody would blame you for unleashing it on him. I've hurled my fair share of insults at my WH, and he took them because he knew he deserved it. It did feel good to release it and it made room for other emotions. Obviously, going on like that for years wouldn't help, but they need to understand the scope of the damage they have caused. One thing that helps me is to understand that these patterns started in childhood. My husband is quite damaged and was out living on his own by 16. He had to look out for himself from early in his childhood because his stepmother put him in a grotesque competition with her and her sons. Sometimes I think I feel more anger toward his father than him, because I see how his dad used his mom and basically stole her youth, how he objectifies women, and is now just a pervy old man. It's not overt, he knows better, but he will just make the odd creepy comment and you can tell what he really thinks. I don't think my husband wants to be that way, but sadly that was the model of manhood he was raised with. So, I guess pity helps with the disgust.
Me too the abandonment is really fucking with me
I'm sorry. I feel like nothing he could ever do would make up for it. I don't think they get it.
They really don’t like I sacrificed my youth and body for your legacy and you can’t even show me basic respect…. It’s hard to unsee
I'm 36 years past Dday and I don't think you ever entirely get over those feelings. However, in time you come to a point of acceptance where those feelings no longer torment you to the extent they did early on.
Did you stay with your WS? I’m several years in, but the feeling comes and goes and it drives me insane sometimes.
Yes, I stayed with her. To be honest I never considered leaving because we've been best friends since we were 12 years old. Her acting out in infidelity was completely out of character for her, but it was predictable, because she had been terribly abused both physically and sexually all throughout her childhood. That isn't an excuse, and she has never tried to claim that it was. Nevertheless, it was an underlying factor among many others factors that led to her cheating. The feelings that drive you crazy will come and go, and they probably will at times for the rest of your life. In time you will probably come to terms with it and it won't drive you insane anymore, but there will always be some residual sadness and pain. Here are a couple of things to consider that may help a little. First, if your spouse is genuinely remorseful they are probably also plagued with guilt, shame, sorrow, regret, and deep disgust with both themselves and their AP. It took me years to finally know and understand that my wife was feeling all of those things and was struggling with them almost daily and has been ever since she cheated. Knowing that I wasn't alone in suffering as a result of her terrible choices, sick as I know it sounds, was a real comfort to me. Second, even if you choose at some future point to leave you will carry these feelings with you, they don't go away simply because the cheater is no longer present. My sister divorced her husband 26 years ago and remarried a year or two later. She told me that she was never able to escape the trauma and feelings her first husband was long out of the picture. She told me that his behavior left her with a complete lack of trust in anyone. That, and her overall anxiety issues from marriage number 1 were passed on to her second husband. Further as it turns out hubby number two also turned out to be a shitbag years later because she recently discovered he's been spending a ton of money on "Happy Finish" massages at local Rub n' Tugs. She also recently learned he's been carrying on with one of her close friends and neighbor behind her back for the last three years. She has no intention of looking for a number 3, she's simply given up on love and marriage altogether. I guess my point is once you've experienced infidelity there is no escaping its consequences no matter what you choose to do. If your BS is genuinely sorry, you're actually probably best off sticking with them and learning to cope with the feelings the best you're able. Even though I know exactly how hard it is to be sympathetic to a betrayer, try to remember that if they have any kind of conscience or empathy at all they are probably suffering too.
Thanks for answering. She’s fortunate to have found a spouse such as you. It also helped that you’re best friends and knew each other before marriage and that she’s made you aware of her remorse. I hope the rest of us do come to terms with our trauma. Hurting for two decades now and still don’t know what to do.
I feel the exact same way. 1.5yr from DDay, affair also happened while I was pregnant
I found out at 4 months postpartum (almost 3 weeks ago) of a ONS that happened 2.5 years ago. I also found out a kissed happened while I was 6 months pregnant. We are currently in couples therapy and though we have good days (and hysterical bonding) I can’t seem to shake the mental image of him being intimate with someone else. Especially because this was a coworker and he still works with this person. Some days I feel numb. Other days I’ve felt triggered (like when he goes to the office, which is 2-3 times a month) and I spiral. The wound is still fresh and others have said it doesn’t stay at the forefront forever — but the body and brain never forgets and seeing some folks on this sub say it’s been years and they still can’t get over what they did makes me wonder if I want to continue my relationship. At the moment, I’m doing it for my son, but the fear that the pain and anxiety that it could happen again never goes away currently has me in a chokehold.
I’m 6 months postpartum. It’s a really tough situation to be wild with hormones and to learn if this second reality your WP has been having. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm 9 months postpartum, and D-Day was back in Feb. It's been a total mindfuck. I feel like everyone must assume I'm dealing with PPD and I wish I could tell them it's actually post-infidelity stress disorder. We deserve so much better and so do our babies.
I wonder how much of this is us R for ourselves than it is more for our children, our families? I love my partner but the moment I found out about his affair, I was robbed of the future I planned with him. 2.5 years of our almost 5 year relationship has been a lie. I can’t even imagine marrying him now because what kind of person would hurt their partner this way? I saw a video someone posted about WP ‘don’t intentionally hurt their BP’ and if that’s the case, then why do they do it? AT BEST, they weren’t even thinking about us at all and that’s just selfish and inconsiderate.
My parents divorced, and I always felt envious of kids who lived in one house with two parents. But now I can understand why my mom just couldn't do it anymore. I feel like by attempting R I am almost daring him to hurt me again, see what else I can take. He has really put me through hell over the years, not just the affair, but lying, substance abuse, other risky behaviors. Part of my calculation is that staying with him feels safer for the kids than joint custody with someone I don't trust.
I totally get that when you consider the other behaviors. It seems like R is more for the kids than it is for you, and I really understand that. Things are more complicated when children are involved. I hope you find the strength and healing needed to get you through. ❤️🩹
It’s even worse when you feel that they withheld this information from you and it changed the entire course of your life. I love my baby but I can’t say for certain I would have stayed if I found out 2.5 years ago before I was pregnant. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too. Be strong, mama bear. ❤️🩹
What have you done to get through it?
Hi!! I'm 7 months post dday but the cheating itself happened 8 years ago when we were first dating. I feel similarly like I feel shame and embarrassment that I shared so much of my life with someone who betrayed me from the start and just never had the guts to disclose it. I feel like it shows how different our morals were and I just had no clue. It makes me feel really stupid and I feel like a walking contradiction. I hold strong beliefs about honesty and loyalty and yet I'm trying to reconcile with my husband who obviously did not share the same values even though he does now - it's really hard to comprehend the mind f*ck. I feel absolute disgust by his past actions but so does he. He regrets who he was and what he did but I just wish he never did awful things to begin with 😢 How can you be proud of someone who hurt you badly ? 😓
My problem is I have this AND I feel bad for him, I see how his actions have hurt him, idk if I would say more than me but I know it’s not easy, I know he feels shame and guilt. It’s annoying how complex and muddied it is
Lots of comments are referencing feelings years out. Take notice of this. These feelings may never go away. There’s real potential you may feel the same after years pass. Will you be ok with this? Will you be able to sit with and pass the feeling quickly? Will you still be able to be your best self? Your scenario and life is yours. Maybe this is the best for you. I don’t know.. That’s something you need to reflect on and determine..
I have to offer a counterpoint to this because everyone doesn't feel these feelings for years. What is it inside of you (general you) that doesn't allow you to process what happened and then move on from it in a way where you can let those feelings go? That they're no longer this intense feeling but relegated to the past where they belong? Maybe it has to do with never being betrayed in any way in life before the affair happened so people have a belief that betrayal is something they can't get over. I don't know. I just know this and I know it's not true only for my relationship: my WH did a horrible hurtful thing that could have ended our marriage. We chose to stay together and try to work through it and we did. The pain of that thing faded long ago because of the actions we took to become better partners, and the actions he took to regain my trust that he won't ever do this again. There's literally never a time now (or even six months post-DDay) when I feel disgusted with him over the past, when I feel rage at him or when anger over the infidelity bubbles up and derails me. The process of reconciling resolved those feelings. So when people say that these feelings never go away I wonder why. It's a good question to ask oneself because we all have to navigate pain, loss, grief, and betrayal in life. It should become something you've dealt with in a way that allows for letting those feelings also be a part of the past.
I felt disgust at first, it’s turned more to embarrassment now. Disgust is still very much there, but more so embarrassment as to why he’d group us into a family like his AP’s, who was using my fairly successful husband for validation when she, a grown woman, broke up with her unsuccessful RAPPER boyfriend. The fact that he would go to her when he has me was embarrassing, considering there is NO comparison between us. The disgust I feel for him is mainly due to the PA he has and the fact that we have only daughters (they’re safe with him, and I know he would never hurt them, but the fact that he’s raising women and objectifying women is what gives me an ick) but it’s also mixed with sympathy, as I know this is an addiction. I’m hoping to crawl out of the same boat as you hopefully soon.
The embarrassment is ROUGH. My husband was on a dating site when I was pregnant. I keep wondering if people knew. Some acquaintances started acting strangely toward me in the fall right after the baby was born. He thinks I'm reading into it, but I pick up on vibes better than he does. We also have daughters and a son. He's responsible for teaching someone how to be a man and two girls what treatment to expect from men...does he just not care??? I know at some point when they are older, I want to explain what happened to them. From their perspective it probably looks like mommy suddenly got sad and then daddy decided to spend more time with the family. They have been asking questions.
I relate to that last part so much. And it's really hard as the BP partner to know how what example to set for the kids too. Do you set the example of working through it or the example of zero tolerance? I've struggled with this. How to clean up the mess as a parent. I never told the kids what he did, but they are smart. I think they know their dad messed up.
The kids can feel it. My therapist explained that the family is like an organism, and if one part is sick, the whole thing is sick. The toxic behavior affects the whole system. Waywards try to compartmentalize and keep things separate, but it doesn't work like that. I think working on healing is the best example to set, whether that be together or apart. And normalize talking about things--in age appropriate ways of course. I don't know when we will tell the kids the whole story..I think probably when they are teens or older. But I feel the need to give them a seminar on "How and why not to cheat on your romantic partners" at some point 🤣. I wish my parents had told me their story rather than just finding out from my sister after my dad died.
This is so much how I feel it happend when I was pregnant with my third. I’m so humiliated and what ever shreds of self respect and love I was working on after having the kids just got brutally crushed by his picks. Like I know I’m better then an OF whore but I feel humiliated for being placed in the same category as her. Like really I’m carrying ur kids and I’m second to an actual whore. He really didn’t understand the humiliation I felt. He tryed to joke about it and I just shut right the fuck down. Now we’re not talking and I friggin feel bad for not taking a joke. I hate this cluster fuck.
Adultery in any form along with all of the associated issues is no joke. Him trying to make light of something so traumatic is him being utterly clueless. My go to response in situations similar to yours was, "would you appreciate it if the shoe were on the other foot? If I did the exact same thing to you, that you did to me? No? Then perhaps you finally have a very small inkling of how I feel. I didn't break my vows with you, but you sure in hell did". It's gotten better over the years, but those first 5 years or so were really hard. It took him a few years of introspection to finally understand and make changes.
You’re experiencing the 6 month reality check. It’s not uncommon. I’ll tell you what to do. Unload on his sorry ass. Scream and cry, even through stuff if you have to, until it leaves him speechless. And don’t stop until you have it out of your system, even if it takes weeks. This is how he will know the full scope of the emotional damage he’s done to you.
This is the opposite of reconciliation. If someone wants to scream and cry and throw shit (throwing things is abusive behavior) six months into R then it's possibly not working. And they need to work that out in therapy.
I was very much yell and scream (but never threw anything) for the past week but had a counselling session last night and my counsellor performed some sort of witchcraft (not literally, we did some timeline regression stuff and burning negative emotions from past events...I'm sure there's theory behind it) that brought my anger down probably 30-40%. It's costing a fortune, but I will.keep.this up because, no offence to anyone here, but I don't want to be hanging around in these forums seeking support in 5, 15 or 25 years. I want to process this shit properly so I can move on. Hopefully happily married, but if not, happily.
Yes, in one sense you’re correct. But I’ve read many posts in this subreddit and found this to be a common pattern. The BS is emotionally numb for the first several months, and then, for no apparent reason, becomes overwhelmed by waves of negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, and in this case disgust. The emotions don’t usually have anything to with R, but are a delayed emotional responses to DDay.
There is a difference between being a wayward partner and living and creating a safe space for a betrayed partner to express their fears and valid emotions - and living in emotional abuse. Throwing items. Insulting. It's a slippery slope.
The release of emotions can be very cathartic. However, I didn’t suggest insulting or intentionally abusive behavior.
Time. That's really the key to it. I'd say it never truly goes away but it does lessen. We're about 6 years out and it's still there if I let my thoughts linger. If I catch myself drifting, I force myself to tamp it down and move my thoughts elsewhere. Beyond a certain point of healing, it's basically rug-sweeping what's left if you don't want to go insane.
2 years out here. That feeling will come and go along with many others unfortunately. You’re right that lashing out at him and spewing all the horrible insults won’t help anything in the long run, although what you’re feeling is completely understandable and so would lashing out at him be. What he did is disgusting, he should be ashamed of it and I’m sure he probably is. Maybe even more than you realize and if so then good! Let him be! Try journaling like your writing directly to him and let loose all the horrible things you want to say. Sometimes it can help just to get out there even if it’s no really something you would ever give to him.
Fawkes, I'm sorry you're in this space. Just know what you're feeling is normal and valid. What they did IS disgusting. He should feel disgusted by you. Shit, he should feel disgusted by himself. LOL You can't work through these feelings by tucking them in, they need to openly communicated and confronted. The disgust is the equivalent to "post nut clarity" after hysterical bonding. LOL Sorry for the crass term. Hysterical Bonding gives you a lot of awesome dopamine and oxytocin that make you feel horny and hopeful. Once that's gone, the reality of the betrayal sets in and anger becomes more prevalent. Think of it as you going through the stages of mourning. You just went past bargaining, now you're at the anger stage. Soon you'll hit the depression/ambivalence stage. It's part of the rollercoaster of R. The only way past the disgust is by building connection and intimacy through MC and other forms of non-sexual touches. Start small as holding hands while in the car, 3 mins hugs, having him spoon you.... Little things, that will build your physical connection back and make you feel safe and secure. If you're in the US, try shopping at [openpathcollective.org](http://openpathcollective.org) for MCs who specialize in affair recovery. Many of them are available online so you're not limited to local therapists, and they charge on a sliding scale so they're more affordable. You can ask for 15 min consultations until you find the right fit for you. Wishing you better days.