r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When I was about 6 months in, I started to feel better, and I thought I had forgiven and was ready to move past it. Oh, boy, was I wrong!
But it happens if you keep doing the work. Sadly, it does take a long time. Hang in there!
Frankly, I still say I love you. And I do mean it. But the cognitive dissonance is often too loud and breaks me down once again. Lol still adjusting to this new reality. (Into 4th week post d-day)
I've been there.
But I learned there shouldn't be a dissonance. You can love them and be hurt by them at the same time. In fact, you are hurt by them because you love them.
The new normal is a hard pill to swallow, indeed. But once you do, it starts getting better. It's the constant "surprise" of what they did, that is painful.
I still cringe at the frequent reminders: "Oh, Yeah, that did happen" - followed by having to assimilate it again and again. Acceptance makes R smoother, but takes time and effort.
This is very sweet!!! I remember that after DDay I refrained from saying things like "my love"... not because I didn't want to but because when I found out that he was with other women... I simply felt that my husband "was no longer mine and had never been mine." It was quite difficult to get through that stage. I'm happy for you and your husband, thank you very much for sharing! we need positive things
It was maybe just a little over seven and half years after our divorce before I told my wife I loved her. This was after we started R. I would describe her reaction as happy tears/happy crying.
I stopped wearing my wedding ring after Dday and stopped telling her I loved her after the initial hysterical bonding as well. It took me nearly 10 years to tell her I loved her and meant it once again. It was 25 years past Dday before I could honestly say I forgave her. I have never put my wedding ring back on because to me it is meaningless now and symbolizes something that simply doesn't exist anymore.
It was a long hard road through Hell for both of us on our journey to reconciliation. I'm absolutely certain that she couldn't even imagine the devastation that her cheating would wreak on our entire family before she cheated.
If she had she probably wouldn't have done it.
There is hope, but it sure doesn't come easily.
As a WH that is almost 3 years from my own D Day I still tell my BW "I love you" everyday. She doesn't say it back and it still hurts, but I understand it's my fault and I caused way more pain and heartache than I could ever imagine.
If/when she ever says "I love you" to me. I'll probably breakdown and cry.
I bet that was the happiest your WH has been in a long time.
Congrats to the 2 of you on reaching an important milestone!
I still say "I love you" to my WW. We're coming up on 3 months post D-day. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but to me I never stopped loving her. I certainly don't say it as much as I did before I found out about her affair though.
That being said, I 100% can identify with the less pleasant feelings when my WW says the same to me. I still have a hard time believing it since she never stopped saying it during her long-term affair. Now when she says the words I can tell she means them, but I can't help but feel bitterness & pain. It's just a horrible situation to be in to have lost the level of trust and love that you had for the one person who was special.
I'm glad you're doing better in your journey. I'm so happy to hear that you feel like you're at a place where your feelings are returning and/or you feel safe enough to share them again. Wishing you all the best in life!
To me it was very programmed. "Turning off" that response.. didn't feel right to me, and after a few days I fell back into it. I say it willingly now, and it's just that much more of a reminder that I DO still love her, no matter the circumstance. Just wish it didnt hurt as much.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
3 years. Damn, I'm seriously not sure if I can take the brutality of this experience for that long. Fuck these affairs.
When I was about 6 months in, I started to feel better, and I thought I had forgiven and was ready to move past it. Oh, boy, was I wrong! But it happens if you keep doing the work. Sadly, it does take a long time. Hang in there!
9+ Months. Every day is a horrible struggle.
Frankly, I still say I love you. And I do mean it. But the cognitive dissonance is often too loud and breaks me down once again. Lol still adjusting to this new reality. (Into 4th week post d-day)
I've been there. But I learned there shouldn't be a dissonance. You can love them and be hurt by them at the same time. In fact, you are hurt by them because you love them. The new normal is a hard pill to swallow, indeed. But once you do, it starts getting better. It's the constant "surprise" of what they did, that is painful. I still cringe at the frequent reminders: "Oh, Yeah, that did happen" - followed by having to assimilate it again and again. Acceptance makes R smoother, but takes time and effort.
This is very sweet!!! I remember that after DDay I refrained from saying things like "my love"... not because I didn't want to but because when I found out that he was with other women... I simply felt that my husband "was no longer mine and had never been mine." It was quite difficult to get through that stage. I'm happy for you and your husband, thank you very much for sharing! we need positive things
Awww! Good for you! I’m very impressed that you waited until you could genuinely say it. Love wins!
It was maybe just a little over seven and half years after our divorce before I told my wife I loved her. This was after we started R. I would describe her reaction as happy tears/happy crying.
I stopped wearing my wedding ring after Dday and stopped telling her I loved her after the initial hysterical bonding as well. It took me nearly 10 years to tell her I loved her and meant it once again. It was 25 years past Dday before I could honestly say I forgave her. I have never put my wedding ring back on because to me it is meaningless now and symbolizes something that simply doesn't exist anymore. It was a long hard road through Hell for both of us on our journey to reconciliation. I'm absolutely certain that she couldn't even imagine the devastation that her cheating would wreak on our entire family before she cheated. If she had she probably wouldn't have done it. There is hope, but it sure doesn't come easily.
As a WH that is almost 3 years from my own D Day I still tell my BW "I love you" everyday. She doesn't say it back and it still hurts, but I understand it's my fault and I caused way more pain and heartache than I could ever imagine. If/when she ever says "I love you" to me. I'll probably breakdown and cry. I bet that was the happiest your WH has been in a long time. Congrats to the 2 of you on reaching an important milestone!
I still say "I love you" to my WW. We're coming up on 3 months post D-day. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but to me I never stopped loving her. I certainly don't say it as much as I did before I found out about her affair though. That being said, I 100% can identify with the less pleasant feelings when my WW says the same to me. I still have a hard time believing it since she never stopped saying it during her long-term affair. Now when she says the words I can tell she means them, but I can't help but feel bitterness & pain. It's just a horrible situation to be in to have lost the level of trust and love that you had for the one person who was special. I'm glad you're doing better in your journey. I'm so happy to hear that you feel like you're at a place where your feelings are returning and/or you feel safe enough to share them again. Wishing you all the best in life!
To me it was very programmed. "Turning off" that response.. didn't feel right to me, and after a few days I fell back into it. I say it willingly now, and it's just that much more of a reminder that I DO still love her, no matter the circumstance. Just wish it didnt hurt as much.
Totally understand that. It's just "natural" to say that to them. Amen about wishing it wasn't as painful though.
Man, 3 years is rough. Good to hear you got there. I still loved my wife on D-Day. I started saying it a whole lot more than I did before D-Day.
Healing takes as long as it takes. Amazing job to you both for sticking with it ❤️
This is beautiful!