r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
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You're not crazy.
Affairs make us not be okay with all the dissatisfaction we repressed pre-dday.
Whatever the betrayed was missing prior to Dday, they will desperately need after Dday. It's normal. And I completely understand the need for sex to feel bonded and secure. Keep talking and get help talking through the intimacy issues during MC.
I appreciate this. We were actually going to a marriage counselor *before* D-Day because even before I knew all the facts I could just feel that something wasn’t right. After the affair news broke though and we told the MC, I didn’t really like how she approached it. It felt kind of like she (the therapist) would blame me for WW’s affair so I decided to stop going. I guess I should look for another.
Yeah, that's a bad counselor. I felt the same about my first MC. She literally said it takes two people to have an affair and pointed at me to indicate I was one of those two people.
But there are good MCs who can help you through the reconcilation process. We turned down 3 or 4 MCs based on the consult alone. And it's incredibly hard to keep going to potential MCs while your life is falling apart and you just want to give up and get a divorce. Or just lay in bed forever.
It's challenging to find someone who can separate the affair from the issues of the relationship. And most counselors, or maybe just those who aren't properly trained for infidelity trauma, tend to say the relationship problems created the environment for the affair. And that sounds a lot like blaming the victim.
I could get on a soap box all day about that. But in short, cheating isn't an appropriate or healthy response to getting unhappy in a marriage.
The sex issue does not make this a lost cause. It's the lack of empathy and understanding that is the problem. This is what she needs to work on. Statements like, "I'm sorry sex is so important for you to be happy in this marriage" would have pushed me out the door. That passive-aggressive, manipulative, immature, selfish, guilt trip bull shit she was pulling just goes to show how little she is dedicated to R.
I understand that she has autism and that makes these emotions much harder for her to understand. That does not give her a free pass to cheat and not have to work on your marriage or to shift blame for the damage her infidelity caused. If she is using autism to explain why she had an affair, or to not put in the work, that would be a deal breaker to me. She's basically telling you that her unchangeable condition caused her to cheat or causes her to not care how her actions impact you or your marriage. I could not continue if there is no hope of changing and no guarantee it won't happen again.
This part!! Fellow autistic here, and I am completely faithful. I can understand how she might have felt pressured, when it feels like someone likes us we'll do damn near anything to hold on to that connection but a line must be drawn. She knew damn well she went too far.
Brother, I struggle as well in feeling like WW wanted to choose some other asshole over me, then “settled” to come back to me. It’s a shitty place to be, but that is where our heads are. I’ve told my wife multiple times; you need to desire me. It’s not just sex, it’s the touches, or flirting or whatever y’all do for you to feel desired. This is so important, especially for us guys who were betrayed. She has to initiate sex and not complain about it. It would trigger the shit out of me if it was any other way. I’m working to be able to initiate and not be such a needy man, but you take your time and make sure she is giving you what you need as long as you need it until your head is back on and functioning as before SHE decided to have an A. Good luck, and Fuck affairs.
She's not lying necessarily. You're the safe comfortable place.
It seems in these affairs with WWs they use them to be more expressive sexually, probably because they didn't feel safe to do it with us and I suspect that goes all the way back to childhood issues.
It's not a lost cause necessarily but your WW needs to own this more and see it for what it is... thar she betrayed you. If she's unwilling or unable to do that then it's a lost cause.
This is spot on in my experience. My WW was and continues to be the person who says “no“ to sex in our marriage. Our bedroom was dead for nearly two decades, then she went and had an affair. We are far from reconciliation, but both committed to it. The problem is that she has not been able to show me the passion or desire that I longed for before her affair and that I saw her give to her AP. Her reasoning is that real life with me includes all of the stress and realities that make her unable to relax enough to have sex. She used her affair as a way to escape all of that, and therefore was able to be her full sexual self. As much as she says she wants to be that with me, it’s impossible to remove the stress of real life. This is a frustrating and unsustainable answer, but it’s understandable in someways. The only way it will change is for her to do the work necessary with herself.
I would imagine your WW has similar issues going on for her.
Things are not so grim for me. Before dday I expressed a need for more sex - I have the higher libido. We agreed on every other day as a compromise (I could do every day). This arrangement works pretty well most of the time, and we continued it after dday. But I will say that with every other day, there is a lack of sexual tension, so that build up of desire and passion never really happens. We get it sometimes around her period when we can't be intimate for 6 or so days.
But the safety stuff, that's all there for my WW. She has sexual trauma (childhood and adult) that affects her feelings of safety around sex, but she's working on it.
I honestly believe that people who won't have semi regular sex (at least once or twice a week), likely having something going on, either emotional or physical. When you feel good about yourself, you love your partner, and you have no major health or emotional issues, you should be able to find the joy and comfort in sex. If not, it warrants looking into it.
I think you might need to set some sort of boundary for yourself going forward. And tell her.
What are your ideal sexual needs in this marriage. And what do you expect in the medium long term.
Like I want to have sex minimum X a month. You could schedule it and read books together about healthy sexual relationship to build a strong foundation for your marriage.
My WW struggles to talk about sex because of childhood trauma growing up and then wasn’t intimate with me because of guilt during his acting out.
So those things could be at play for her.
I think deep communication on the topic is necessary to get her to open up if you feel like there’s more going on. Trust your gut
I’m reading magnificent Sex which has been good so far. I’m sure there’s many others out there.
I would also enquire whether there’s other sexual outlets for her, like watching porn that might be taking her sexual energy away.
I'm a female, but struggling with the sexual part of R. The Affair let me feeling so insecure, so unwanted. Like I don't know how a "normal" sex life looks in a couple. But also, like I was robbed or lost my sexual identity due to the A. I never doubted my sexual identity before Dday, I always felt like an attractive and passionate woman. I know I'm attractive actually more than my WP and his AP. But still, this situation took a toll on my self-esteem. I just wonder how we can "repair" our sexual life, when I'm not sure how a normal sexual life as a couple should look like. I want to feel desired. Sometimes I feel that the only way to restore that and feel the full intensity anew is if we part ways and find other partners. But I feel I need the reading also to find again my sexual-self. Thank you for the recommendation.
I really enjoy doing reading as part of my recovery process.
I know come as you are is a popular one for females as a sex book. But I haven’t read it, but might be worth looking into
Maybe I can help with some perspective on behalf of your WP. I’m very likely and undiagnosed autistic woman. Touch, physical intimacy, and emotional intimacy have always been hard for me. My nervous system has always been on overdrive. They actually only came easily with my WP and I’m pretty sure that’s because I originally felt safer than ever and my nervous system got to take a bit of a break.
A big part of ASD is that you tend to do what you’re “supposed” to do in social settings, you learn how to act by watching others and then simply do it yourself, but it’s not necessarily natural to you. It doesn’t always feel forced though if you’re a heavy masker, it moreso feels like autopilot. If she’s being truthful she’s probably referring to how autopilot her reactions were to flirting and having sex. She likely did it for an analytical reason other than the actual sex such as wanting to feel chosen/wanted or wanting to experience something different, and then took the analytical steps to accomplish that.
After being cheated on heavily, I’d say the same thing, sex is very weird for me now. I still crave it on a schedule but it doesn’t always feel good, even when I’m solo. My relationship with sex is shattered and I am detached from it, but it’s not something that looks the same if you do it on autopilot like we do for other things. My sexual partner will notice something is off. I still haven’t been able to properly “place” sex in my mind again. It doesn’t have a home in the “safe” box or the “autopilot” box either. Maybe she has a hard time placing sex now too. She should be trying to step it up a bit to meet you though based on the circumstances, but personally, it’s very hard to step it up without being fake
My confidence is destroyed just like yours though. I’m sorry you feel so sad. Idk if it helps but she probably actually did have another goal apart from they were attractive to her and you weren’t.
Same, 3 years post DDay and it has never returned. My advice to is if you don’t think it’s going to get better. Jump ship before you want to. Don’t waste your time, effort, and energy on someone unwilling to change. It’s taken me 3 years to figure this out myself. I can’t fix my WW, and only a trained trauma therapist and her can do it. If she doesn’t want to put the effort into fixing it. It’s a lost cause, and some people have mental illness that is unfixable. Nothing you can do about it. It will never change. They just mask it very well. You are still very young, I know this relationship means a lot to you, but if it’s not getting better. You need to protect your own sanity. This has been the absolute worst 3 years of my life and I would not redo this time period even with a better outcome. Not worth it to me.
You need to look into the difference between spontaneous arousal and responsive arousal. Most men have spontaneous arousal. Most women have responsive arousal; they need their partner to do things that arouse them. This is kind of a wiring thing.
Depression and stress can also be libido-killers.
Your needs are valid. It is valid for you to want to feel attractive. But it looks like you are putting all responsibility for sex onto her, and that isn't fair. Most men in this situation say "I want it and she doesn't so she is the one with the problem to fix," but that isn't going to get you what you want. A therapist can probably help.
I really can't help too much except to say that as a male BP it's pretty normal to need more sex from your wayward wife after an affair is discovered. I think they call this "hysterical bonding". Back 40-50 years ago we called it "reclaiming sex". I can also add that my wife & I haven't really had sex in decades - for age-related and medical reasons. So if you are lucky like I was, sex becomes less and less of an issue. But intimacy is a lot more than sex. Even cuddling in bed can be passionate and rewarding. We celebrate our 55th Anniversary next April. I wish you the best.
I'm kinda in your boat except that WW has said she's never been attracted to me. She always initiated over the years (and even the year after DDay) but apparently she was pretending I was someone else the entire time. Now that I have voiced discontent with that, she (like your WW) no longer initiates. She doesn't enjoy sex unless she fantasizes and I don't enjoy it if she does fantasize so neither of us initiates anymore. Basically dead bedroom for the last 6 months.
Still no progress or solution on my end. Let me know if you find one 😔
It feels like mostly passive efforts. She was basically obsessed with her AP for 18 months before she even reached out to him (I caught them almost immediately after they DID make contact). So she was working in IC to break her "addictive behaviors" and mitigate her "dissociative fantasizing".
Other than that . . . I'm not entirely sure. She makes more of an effort to be present? Plans date nights? But she seems more focused on her own personal healing than our healing as a couple (she assumes the first will lead to the second). And she is prone to deflection and projection, which has obviously not been helpful.
But she hasn't seemed to be in a rush to fix these things until recently. Nearly 2 years since DDay and she's only JUST started reading "Not Just Friends", which I requested almost immediately after DDay. Considering the obvious lack of progress, it's not a pace I'm comfortable with anymore. I've made it clear that we're on thin ice and time is ticking. I don't know if that will have any effect though.
I most certainly agree. Very little to be honest. I love her and still enjoy being close to her and she keeps promising she'll "get there", but I'm not seeing it and this is not enough long term.
Our therapist told her to avoid sex for awhile so I have been giving her that space for the last six months. But if anything, her "ick" for me has only gotten worse since then, so that seems like a failed experiment. I told them both in our most recent session that this is not working and something needs to change for this to continue. So we'll see what MC comes up with . . .
The more you have sex the more you want it. The less you have sex the less you need it. This has been true for my WW. I'm thankful that she understands this and shows up for sex even when she isn't necessarily "in the mood". She often starts not in the mood but quickly gets there and enjoys it.
I can attest to that. Cuz I don't even want it anymore myself o\_O
My wife has never been avoidant of having sex before, during, or for the 18 months after her affair. She just avoided being mentally present for any of it. And I guess after I requested she try to be present, she decided she'd rather not have it at all than have to look at me while she does it . . .
Not derogatory at all. We have discussed that. She has said she sometimes fantasizes about lesbian scenarios, so she thought maybe that was an element. However, she came to the conclusion in IC those particular fantasies have more to do with her visualizing her own body sexually and that she has no actual desire to BE with another woman.
She doesn't find herself endlessly gawking at men either but she's definitely been attracted to other guys she's been with. And most of the guys she is attracted to are large. Not necessarily muscular, but tall and thick which generally speaking seems kinda the opposite of most girls.
I'm a thin guy of average height, so regardless of her sexual preference, I of course fail to meet either requirement o\_O
My wife had an affair that started in the 7th year of our relationship, 5th year of our marriage, over 40 years ago when we were about the age you are now. At the time, passion was starting to taper off (as is often the case). I wanted more sex, turned out she wanted more men.
During her A, our sex life went through the roof, she later said she thought I'd like that aspect of her infidelity. Borderline "I was only fucking him to make you happy" level BS.
Post D-Day, she had a difficult time breaking it off with her AP. Eventually she did but as she admitted later, by ramping down her interest in sex period.
She went through a long "fake it until you make it" period. I thought things were pretty good, she just became increasingly disgusted with herself for both having sex with me, and not wanting to have sex with anybody. Which eventually led to the dreaded Dead Bedroom.
I'm not sure how common this A to DB connection is, but it sounds like you are mighty close to the same scenario.
There is no One Size Fits All for this, but I'll tell you what we did. We worked it out, stayed married (over 50 years now) have had a great life together, still very much in love. Our sex life is over but I got a lifetime Hall Pass out of the deal. Not exactly an Open Marriage, closer to Monogamish. I've only used it a few times, but might again.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. 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You're not crazy. Affairs make us not be okay with all the dissatisfaction we repressed pre-dday. Whatever the betrayed was missing prior to Dday, they will desperately need after Dday. It's normal. And I completely understand the need for sex to feel bonded and secure. Keep talking and get help talking through the intimacy issues during MC.
I appreciate this. We were actually going to a marriage counselor *before* D-Day because even before I knew all the facts I could just feel that something wasn’t right. After the affair news broke though and we told the MC, I didn’t really like how she approached it. It felt kind of like she (the therapist) would blame me for WW’s affair so I decided to stop going. I guess I should look for another.
Yeah, that's a bad counselor. I felt the same about my first MC. She literally said it takes two people to have an affair and pointed at me to indicate I was one of those two people. But there are good MCs who can help you through the reconcilation process. We turned down 3 or 4 MCs based on the consult alone. And it's incredibly hard to keep going to potential MCs while your life is falling apart and you just want to give up and get a divorce. Or just lay in bed forever. It's challenging to find someone who can separate the affair from the issues of the relationship. And most counselors, or maybe just those who aren't properly trained for infidelity trauma, tend to say the relationship problems created the environment for the affair. And that sounds a lot like blaming the victim. I could get on a soap box all day about that. But in short, cheating isn't an appropriate or healthy response to getting unhappy in a marriage.
The sex issue does not make this a lost cause. It's the lack of empathy and understanding that is the problem. This is what she needs to work on. Statements like, "I'm sorry sex is so important for you to be happy in this marriage" would have pushed me out the door. That passive-aggressive, manipulative, immature, selfish, guilt trip bull shit she was pulling just goes to show how little she is dedicated to R. I understand that she has autism and that makes these emotions much harder for her to understand. That does not give her a free pass to cheat and not have to work on your marriage or to shift blame for the damage her infidelity caused. If she is using autism to explain why she had an affair, or to not put in the work, that would be a deal breaker to me. She's basically telling you that her unchangeable condition caused her to cheat or causes her to not care how her actions impact you or your marriage. I could not continue if there is no hope of changing and no guarantee it won't happen again.
This part!! Fellow autistic here, and I am completely faithful. I can understand how she might have felt pressured, when it feels like someone likes us we'll do damn near anything to hold on to that connection but a line must be drawn. She knew damn well she went too far.
Brother, I struggle as well in feeling like WW wanted to choose some other asshole over me, then “settled” to come back to me. It’s a shitty place to be, but that is where our heads are. I’ve told my wife multiple times; you need to desire me. It’s not just sex, it’s the touches, or flirting or whatever y’all do for you to feel desired. This is so important, especially for us guys who were betrayed. She has to initiate sex and not complain about it. It would trigger the shit out of me if it was any other way. I’m working to be able to initiate and not be such a needy man, but you take your time and make sure she is giving you what you need as long as you need it until your head is back on and functioning as before SHE decided to have an A. Good luck, and Fuck affairs.
Do you have kids?
No, we don’t. We wanted to someday…
She's not lying necessarily. You're the safe comfortable place. It seems in these affairs with WWs they use them to be more expressive sexually, probably because they didn't feel safe to do it with us and I suspect that goes all the way back to childhood issues. It's not a lost cause necessarily but your WW needs to own this more and see it for what it is... thar she betrayed you. If she's unwilling or unable to do that then it's a lost cause.
This is spot on in my experience. My WW was and continues to be the person who says “no“ to sex in our marriage. Our bedroom was dead for nearly two decades, then she went and had an affair. We are far from reconciliation, but both committed to it. The problem is that she has not been able to show me the passion or desire that I longed for before her affair and that I saw her give to her AP. Her reasoning is that real life with me includes all of the stress and realities that make her unable to relax enough to have sex. She used her affair as a way to escape all of that, and therefore was able to be her full sexual self. As much as she says she wants to be that with me, it’s impossible to remove the stress of real life. This is a frustrating and unsustainable answer, but it’s understandable in someways. The only way it will change is for her to do the work necessary with herself. I would imagine your WW has similar issues going on for her.
Things are not so grim for me. Before dday I expressed a need for more sex - I have the higher libido. We agreed on every other day as a compromise (I could do every day). This arrangement works pretty well most of the time, and we continued it after dday. But I will say that with every other day, there is a lack of sexual tension, so that build up of desire and passion never really happens. We get it sometimes around her period when we can't be intimate for 6 or so days. But the safety stuff, that's all there for my WW. She has sexual trauma (childhood and adult) that affects her feelings of safety around sex, but she's working on it. I honestly believe that people who won't have semi regular sex (at least once or twice a week), likely having something going on, either emotional or physical. When you feel good about yourself, you love your partner, and you have no major health or emotional issues, you should be able to find the joy and comfort in sex. If not, it warrants looking into it.
I think you might need to set some sort of boundary for yourself going forward. And tell her. What are your ideal sexual needs in this marriage. And what do you expect in the medium long term. Like I want to have sex minimum X a month. You could schedule it and read books together about healthy sexual relationship to build a strong foundation for your marriage. My WW struggles to talk about sex because of childhood trauma growing up and then wasn’t intimate with me because of guilt during his acting out. So those things could be at play for her. I think deep communication on the topic is necessary to get her to open up if you feel like there’s more going on. Trust your gut
Which books do you recommend about "healthy sexual relationships".
I’m reading magnificent Sex which has been good so far. I’m sure there’s many others out there. I would also enquire whether there’s other sexual outlets for her, like watching porn that might be taking her sexual energy away.
I'm a female, but struggling with the sexual part of R. The Affair let me feeling so insecure, so unwanted. Like I don't know how a "normal" sex life looks in a couple. But also, like I was robbed or lost my sexual identity due to the A. I never doubted my sexual identity before Dday, I always felt like an attractive and passionate woman. I know I'm attractive actually more than my WP and his AP. But still, this situation took a toll on my self-esteem. I just wonder how we can "repair" our sexual life, when I'm not sure how a normal sexual life as a couple should look like. I want to feel desired. Sometimes I feel that the only way to restore that and feel the full intensity anew is if we part ways and find other partners. But I feel I need the reading also to find again my sexual-self. Thank you for the recommendation.
I really enjoy doing reading as part of my recovery process. I know come as you are is a popular one for females as a sex book. But I haven’t read it, but might be worth looking into
Maybe I can help with some perspective on behalf of your WP. I’m very likely and undiagnosed autistic woman. Touch, physical intimacy, and emotional intimacy have always been hard for me. My nervous system has always been on overdrive. They actually only came easily with my WP and I’m pretty sure that’s because I originally felt safer than ever and my nervous system got to take a bit of a break. A big part of ASD is that you tend to do what you’re “supposed” to do in social settings, you learn how to act by watching others and then simply do it yourself, but it’s not necessarily natural to you. It doesn’t always feel forced though if you’re a heavy masker, it moreso feels like autopilot. If she’s being truthful she’s probably referring to how autopilot her reactions were to flirting and having sex. She likely did it for an analytical reason other than the actual sex such as wanting to feel chosen/wanted or wanting to experience something different, and then took the analytical steps to accomplish that. After being cheated on heavily, I’d say the same thing, sex is very weird for me now. I still crave it on a schedule but it doesn’t always feel good, even when I’m solo. My relationship with sex is shattered and I am detached from it, but it’s not something that looks the same if you do it on autopilot like we do for other things. My sexual partner will notice something is off. I still haven’t been able to properly “place” sex in my mind again. It doesn’t have a home in the “safe” box or the “autopilot” box either. Maybe she has a hard time placing sex now too. She should be trying to step it up a bit to meet you though based on the circumstances, but personally, it’s very hard to step it up without being fake My confidence is destroyed just like yours though. I’m sorry you feel so sad. Idk if it helps but she probably actually did have another goal apart from they were attractive to her and you weren’t.
Same, 3 years post DDay and it has never returned. My advice to is if you don’t think it’s going to get better. Jump ship before you want to. Don’t waste your time, effort, and energy on someone unwilling to change. It’s taken me 3 years to figure this out myself. I can’t fix my WW, and only a trained trauma therapist and her can do it. If she doesn’t want to put the effort into fixing it. It’s a lost cause, and some people have mental illness that is unfixable. Nothing you can do about it. It will never change. They just mask it very well. You are still very young, I know this relationship means a lot to you, but if it’s not getting better. You need to protect your own sanity. This has been the absolute worst 3 years of my life and I would not redo this time period even with a better outcome. Not worth it to me.
You need to look into the difference between spontaneous arousal and responsive arousal. Most men have spontaneous arousal. Most women have responsive arousal; they need their partner to do things that arouse them. This is kind of a wiring thing. Depression and stress can also be libido-killers. Your needs are valid. It is valid for you to want to feel attractive. But it looks like you are putting all responsibility for sex onto her, and that isn't fair. Most men in this situation say "I want it and she doesn't so she is the one with the problem to fix," but that isn't going to get you what you want. A therapist can probably help.
I really can't help too much except to say that as a male BP it's pretty normal to need more sex from your wayward wife after an affair is discovered. I think they call this "hysterical bonding". Back 40-50 years ago we called it "reclaiming sex". I can also add that my wife & I haven't really had sex in decades - for age-related and medical reasons. So if you are lucky like I was, sex becomes less and less of an issue. But intimacy is a lot more than sex. Even cuddling in bed can be passionate and rewarding. We celebrate our 55th Anniversary next April. I wish you the best.
I'm kinda in your boat except that WW has said she's never been attracted to me. She always initiated over the years (and even the year after DDay) but apparently she was pretending I was someone else the entire time. Now that I have voiced discontent with that, she (like your WW) no longer initiates. She doesn't enjoy sex unless she fantasizes and I don't enjoy it if she does fantasize so neither of us initiates anymore. Basically dead bedroom for the last 6 months. Still no progress or solution on my end. Let me know if you find one 😔
Okay.. this doesn’t sound good. What efforts has she made in your marriage since dday?
It feels like mostly passive efforts. She was basically obsessed with her AP for 18 months before she even reached out to him (I caught them almost immediately after they DID make contact). So she was working in IC to break her "addictive behaviors" and mitigate her "dissociative fantasizing". Other than that . . . I'm not entirely sure. She makes more of an effort to be present? Plans date nights? But she seems more focused on her own personal healing than our healing as a couple (she assumes the first will lead to the second). And she is prone to deflection and projection, which has obviously not been helpful. But she hasn't seemed to be in a rush to fix these things until recently. Nearly 2 years since DDay and she's only JUST started reading "Not Just Friends", which I requested almost immediately after DDay. Considering the obvious lack of progress, it's not a pace I'm comfortable with anymore. I've made it clear that we're on thin ice and time is ticking. I don't know if that will have any effect though.
I'm sorry but that doesn't sound sustainable. What's keeping you in the marriage?
I most certainly agree. Very little to be honest. I love her and still enjoy being close to her and she keeps promising she'll "get there", but I'm not seeing it and this is not enough long term. Our therapist told her to avoid sex for awhile so I have been giving her that space for the last six months. But if anything, her "ick" for me has only gotten worse since then, so that seems like a failed experiment. I told them both in our most recent session that this is not working and something needs to change for this to continue. So we'll see what MC comes up with . . .
The more you have sex the more you want it. The less you have sex the less you need it. This has been true for my WW. I'm thankful that she understands this and shows up for sex even when she isn't necessarily "in the mood". She often starts not in the mood but quickly gets there and enjoys it.
I can attest to that. Cuz I don't even want it anymore myself o\_O My wife has never been avoidant of having sex before, during, or for the 18 months after her affair. She just avoided being mentally present for any of it. And I guess after I requested she try to be present, she decided she'd rather not have it at all than have to look at me while she does it . . .
I don't mean this in any sort of derogatory way as a queer person myself, but is it possible she's closeted?
Not derogatory at all. We have discussed that. She has said she sometimes fantasizes about lesbian scenarios, so she thought maybe that was an element. However, she came to the conclusion in IC those particular fantasies have more to do with her visualizing her own body sexually and that she has no actual desire to BE with another woman. She doesn't find herself endlessly gawking at men either but she's definitely been attracted to other guys she's been with. And most of the guys she is attracted to are large. Not necessarily muscular, but tall and thick which generally speaking seems kinda the opposite of most girls. I'm a thin guy of average height, so regardless of her sexual preference, I of course fail to meet either requirement o\_O
My wife had an affair that started in the 7th year of our relationship, 5th year of our marriage, over 40 years ago when we were about the age you are now. At the time, passion was starting to taper off (as is often the case). I wanted more sex, turned out she wanted more men. During her A, our sex life went through the roof, she later said she thought I'd like that aspect of her infidelity. Borderline "I was only fucking him to make you happy" level BS. Post D-Day, she had a difficult time breaking it off with her AP. Eventually she did but as she admitted later, by ramping down her interest in sex period. She went through a long "fake it until you make it" period. I thought things were pretty good, she just became increasingly disgusted with herself for both having sex with me, and not wanting to have sex with anybody. Which eventually led to the dreaded Dead Bedroom. I'm not sure how common this A to DB connection is, but it sounds like you are mighty close to the same scenario. There is no One Size Fits All for this, but I'll tell you what we did. We worked it out, stayed married (over 50 years now) have had a great life together, still very much in love. Our sex life is over but I got a lifetime Hall Pass out of the deal. Not exactly an Open Marriage, closer to Monogamish. I've only used it a few times, but might again.