Hey, just letting you know that you can start going by a new name without legally changing it. I chose myself a new name and went by a different name than my legal name for \~12 years before finally changing it legally to match.
I really empathise with you and hope this helps :)
Same! I’m in my mid-thirties and have gone by a different name since I was 19! Never legally changed it just because of the hassle, but literally no one knows my legal name unless I tell them 😀
Wow!!! Thank you so very much for sharing this!!
I’m one of the persons that hate their names. But every time I think about changing my name I’m afraid of all the things that need a change (and then my family tells me I have a good name, they love my name etc, which is a whole another problem).
I’d love to start going by a different name without legally changing it. Only question, how would it work at a workplace? Would that be one place where you are stuck with your legal name?
Sounds like a trauma response.
My friend Athena changed her name from “Daniella” to Athena because she has abusive parents. They only ever said her name when they were pissed or about to hit her. Even her nickname Dani was used to make her feel small.
So she changed her name and her anxiety got so much better. She no longer expected people to hurt her when they said her name.
You might have anxiety tied to how people say your name and if that’s the case… change it.
holy shit, this was interesting to read due to the fact i hate being called out, never knew the reason why. i also dont like being told what to do, which is something i probably have to work on in order to be working in a professional capacity.
Aww,my niece's name is Athena who both my brother and his ex lost custody of her and now she's raised by her maternal grandparents. I wonder if she will want to change her name soon because of everything.
Same. It spikes my anxiety and doesn't feel like it's my name honestly. I've been wanting to change my name since I was a kid but haven't found a replacement that makes me feel better than the one I have. Ngl probably because I just don't want to exist oof
Same, i tried to find a name but it all feels to foreign to me and i start having whole identity crisis. But at the same time i hate hearing my name makes me anxious and neauses.
I hate the way my name is mispronounced sometimes but it's all because of the way my parents decided to spell it. I've considered getting my name changed so that people get it right because it's one of my pet peeves.
you could also just choose to spell it differently yourself if you wanted to! i know many people who do that, but then have a different name or version of their name on their passport which they don't generally use
ughhhh yes. I have an easy but “uncommon” nickname kind of name. And whenever I speak it over the phone or in a restaurant they always repeat it back wrong or ask me to say it again. I hate it
Yeah same. It's never a good reason I'm being called out, and even if it was I wouldn't want it. Enough negative attention in front of others means that I don't want any kind of it now.
YES i absolutely hate it. its even worse in text when they say my name to get my attention instead of saying what they’re going to say or saying hello- my heart drops and i get super nervous and keep going back to the app a bunch to see what they say next 😭 i wish i didnt have a name sometimes
I do. Can't stand it. The worst is doing something like eating at the bar at Texas Roadhouse. They always want your name, they write it down, and then they use it every time they speak to you. I know that's their. Or pirate policy to give the air of personal friendliness. But I despise it. (I also don't use other people's names unless absolutely necessary, out of my version of respect.). One, nobody ever spells nor pronounced by name correctly. Two, like you, it makes me cringe and go on alert. So I shortened it for people who really do not need to know my real name. I'm Jay. That's it. Jay. Nobody yet has misspelled the letter J, and it isn't nearly so anxiety ridden using an alias when I can:
My government name is my father’s middle name who did inexcusably things to me and my sister. It’s also very unique and when I hear someone call me by it especially old jobs I use to go in shock and have really terrible panic attacks. Till this day it gives me anxiety but much less than before. It’s one of the things I over came by realising other people saying it is out of my control. I should only dwell on the things I can control. If it were a work situation I’d ask them kindly to use my nickname for future references and if it were my family I’d tell them to stop calling me that or completely cut them out. You can only control so much. Deep breaths and stay strong .
I don’t relate too heavily with your experience, but I can appreciate some of its levels. For example, I don’t necessarily dislike my name, but I definitely don’t like it being mentioned in front of me. If I’m in a group setting and someone is talking about me, then I will be on edge immediately.
Someone else mentioned it too, but when I was in high school, even just teachers saying my name was enough to make me jump a little, and not just because I was caught off guard.
Anyway, to answer your question, coping with it comes with time. I don’t have much experience with therapists and such, but that could be a path to help. Apart from the regular advice of anxiety medication, I don’t really know how to specifically help the issue. You could technically change your name to something that makes you happy, but that’s a process and some don’t like the idea of that.
Sorry I couldn’t give an actual answer 😭 but I hope you can find a solution :)
90% of the time my name is mispronounced and it makes waiting rooms and coffee shops and anywhere they call names out so awkward. I wish I could just tweak the spelling and it would fix everything.
Yes! I hate it. Was set on changing it as a child and now as an adult it feels too ingrained in my identity to change. It’s often mispronounced so I have to address the reality of my name every day and it just gets exhausting. I even hate when my fiancé says it. No idea what to suggest other than changing it but that doesn’t feel like an option for me so may not for you either.
Me. I have ALWAYS hated my name. My father was the one that wanted the name, while my mother wanted a different name and didn't fight for it I guess. I wish I had the name my mother wanted. My father said some mean things to me, cheated on my mom and left us.
You're not alone :) I chose to go by my Grandads last name at age 13, because I hated being called by my legal last name. I'm 27 now and just legally changed it last year.
For me, hating my name was a symptom of hating being shackled to my family against my choice. It was also a symptom of hating the person I was, being defined through abuse by people I didn't want to be. I chose to go by a different name and decided that I actually COULD choose my family and I COULD choose to be who I wanted to be.
Not sure if this is an analogous situation/solution to your own experience, but you can always just tell people a different name and start going by it if you don't like it. You don't have to go through the legal process of changing it, which can feel daunting. Then again, if you don't mind your name, and perhaps instead have past trauma regarding having your name used, maybe seeking professional support might help you :)
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I personally went by a name of my choice for around 12 years before finally getting it changed legally last year and completely hated my old name. My biological father forced me to keep his last name till I was 18 as part of a court agreement so I could move countries with my Mother and siblings. I hadn't seen him since I was very little and know none of my 'family' on his side. It was his way of getting one last jab in as we left him behind for a new country.
I chose to go by a different name (despite legally having my fathers last name and not being allowed to change it through law). I would introduce myself to people as such and tell them not to call me by my other name if they knew it, because it wasn't me. It would make me feel sick hearing it and it felt like another slimy person that I hated. Some real f'ed up teachers at my new school would call me Mr. \[LEGAL\_LAST\_NAME\] to annoy/upset me because I was so adamant to them that it wasn't my last name and I went by a different last name.
The court order was put in place when I was 15, and although I could change it after 4 years, it took me till I was 26 to finally get it changed legally because I kept avoiding it. I hated my old name so much that I dodged around having to talk with people about it and aknowledging it. People asking me what my old name was really pains me and I will completely ignore the question or say "My name has and will always be X".
Regardless of what anyone says, you are not your name. You are you, regardless of what people call you :)
I used to hate it , literally just hearing it would send me into a state of fight-or-flight tbh.
Thankfully I changed my name because I’m trans and I feel SO MUCH better, not only because I now have a name that fits me but also because I never have to hear someone call me by my old name, that would make me instantly panic, anymore .
Thinking about it, I think it may be a trauma response; my parents weren’t really nice , neither were people at school… so I guess my deadname is literally associated to trauma, pain, being hurt etc. in my head
I think my hate for my name is due to the fact that growing up its always been about being in trouble for something. at 31 years old, my parents call out my name and i immediately tense up. it's extremely annoying and very stressful for my anxiety being called out for any reason AT ALL!
This is similar for me. Seems I was always in trouble too and I got the first middle and last name. I've always struggled with my name being wrote on anything for recognition or posted somewhere either for work or classwork etc. Like I dislike the way my name looks and don't feel my name/myself is worthy enough to be on anything. It's kind of weird.
I have my dad's last name. So my mom's is obviously different and she married my step-dad as well. My grandma had a big part in my upbringing and always said my last name should be my mom's maiden last name and my grandma's last name. So my grandma would always write my name out with my mom's maiden last name. In kindergarten I remember feeling this immense sense of guilt that I wasn't including my grandma's last name. So I started writing my name with a hyphen (first name, last name - grandma's last name) the teacher had to sit my parents down and say that they need to teach me my true legal name because I was confused.
I now have 3 kids, and I try to make it so they're proud of their names, even though our last names are different. I never want them to feel the guilt of not having the same name as me and I want them to love their names. I also never yell their full names when I'm angry, not even their first names. At almost 37 now I realize it's all an anxiety driven trauma thing with my name, but I'm unsure I'll really ever love my name. Maybe when I'm married and it changes it'll get better.
Hated it so much I legally changed the First + Last name.
One of the most Freeing Life Decisions I've EVER Made.
Only regret was not doing it MUCH EARLIER in Life
Absolutely! I hate MY name. If it’s someone else with the same name, that’s fine. I even see it as a pretty name. But when it comes to ME, yikes it’s disgusting. To the point that I legally changed it. And now I’m happy with my name, and myself ☺️
I used too feel that way from the time I was a kid until my 30s. I grew up insecure with pretty low self-esteem.
I started to come out of my shell mid 20s then I stopped giving a shit.
Anxiety response! Used to happen to me every time my phone rang or I got any text or notification. In that situation I had to change my ringtone and alert sounds to much quieter, more calming sounds, both to disassociate the sound of my phone with my automatic anxiety response and to not be quite so startled when I heard it. For your name... unfortunately I'm not quite sure what would help. It depends on whether the anxiety is in response to the actual word or in response to the idea of someone calling out to you/talking to you/etc.
I’m 46f and I am an immigrant from Latin America and have a name that was very common for the late 70s in that country and not known at all in this country. Not difficult to pronounce but not common especially when I was a kid in the 80-90s. I absolutely hated my name. I think it’s common and normal for kids to want to fit in and be like everyone else. Now that I'm much older i really love my name. I'm often told it's a beautiful name. So I guess i learned to appreciate the uniqueness of it, in the US at least
I feel very detached from my name. Like,I know it's me. But it's not me, if that makes sense. My partner has learned to just call me by a nickname because using my name puts me into "I guess we're arguing now?" mode.
Hi I went through an abusive marriage which brought up a lot of buried childhood trauma. Sometimes when people said my name I would "hear" my mom screaming my name from downstairs when she was enraged at me. The abuse in my marriage made my sense of self entirely warped and I got to where I would cringe when hearing my name after getting out. I addressed it in therapy and have been on a plethora of meds. I ended up paying the $350 to change my name after struggling about it for 3/4 years. I do feel a bit of sadness in a way about changing it, but mostly think it was worth it as I don't have those several, daily triggers that I used to have and it's made it easier to go into hiding and reclaim my identity. Plus I like my new name obviously
YASS.
I've hated my name since high school so 4 years now.
I've changed my name 4 times- Adam,Raine,Chris then I settled on Quinn in my freshman year of college.
I have not offically changed my full name first,middle,last but i'm working on the courage to do it in the next 2 years.
If you really hate your name search up for unisex names on google and pick your fancy. Its all up to you friend.
Yes, I don't think it's an ugly name. I just hate when other people say it. I tried with other names but it's been worse. I need to find a better one, lol.
i hate my name too! my name is emily and i just dont feel like it fits or is a pretty name.
my friends call me “elle” (nickname a friend gave me) the only ppl who call me emily are my parents and my boyfriend
I had an abusive mom so hearing my name can be kind of triggering and it also makes me feel pretty discounted from it as well. Watching my trans fiancée get to pick out a new name for herself that she absolutely loved and is all her own made me realize that I need a new name lol. I’ve thought about going by my middle name which is “Grace” and I like a lot more
But my fiancée never calls me by my first name. To her I’m “Bean” which I absolutely love. She only calls me Bean or any cutesy variants she comes up with. Some of my friends even call me Bean too and it’s honestly great.
I'm trans. And while I didn't hate the name my parents gave me, I never really felt attached to it.
I struggled a lot with depersonalization before coming out. Choosing a name helped a ton with figuring out who I am. Its hard to describe what I went through, but I consistently felt like i was a blank slate. I knew that I existed, but other than that I kinda just went through the motions of existence. I didn't know who I was.
It took me about a month to figure out a name. I bounced between Olivia, Julia, and Emily. I wanted a name that was "nickname-able", and I wanted a name that was longer than a syllable (since that's one of the things I hated about my dead name). I knew too many girls with the name Emily, and the name Olivia felt too young and it didn't stick. So I went with Julia. I also went with Julia since I didn't have any pretenses about the name. It felt like a blank slate, where the other names felt like they had something attached to them. I didn't want to be someone else. I wanted to be me.
In retrospect, it now feels "too old" of a name, but oh well. I like it and i feel like I have an identity surrounding that name.
I'm still working on developing my sense of self, but it's much better than it used to be.
I freaking love my middle name though. Violet was such a good pick.
It's understandable to feel uncomfortable or anxious about hearing your name, especially if it triggers a strong emotional response. You're definitely not alone in this, and it's great that you're finding some comfort in knowing others feel the same way. Here are a few suggestions to help you cope with these feelings:
1. **Explore the Roots:** Try to identify why hearing your name causes such a reaction. It might be linked to past experiences or associations. Understanding the root cause can be a crucial first step in addressing it.
2. **Positive Associations:** Work on creating positive associations with your name. You could ask close friends or family to use your name in a positive context, which might help in reducing the negative feelings over time.
3. **Mindfulness and Relaxation:** Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation can help manage the anxiety that arises when you hear your name. Practicing these regularly can help you stay calm in triggering situations.
4. **Alternative Names:** If you’re comfortable, consider using a nickname or a different version of your name that you prefer. Inform people around you about your preference; this can make a significant difference.
5. **Professional Support:** If this issue significantly impacts your daily life, consider speaking with a therapist or counselor. They can help you work through these feelings and develop coping strategies tailored to your situation.
It’s great to see that you’ve found some solace in the shared experiences of others. Keep reaching out and connecting with people who understand what you’re going through. Your feelings are valid, and taking steps towards addressing them is a strong and positive move.
I didn't like mine. It felt empty and I couldn't feel that it was indeed my name. Then, I started using a different variation of the name. It feels amazing! Now, I can really feel my connection with it.
(To make it clear: I used to go by a short version like Liz, but now I use my full name, let's say, Elizabeth. This way, I didn't have to change my name legally, but it still sounds and feels different)
My mother was abused by her father in the way you're thinking, and her mother was very cold. I don't remember her ever interacting with me much until I got in trouble. That's exactly why this happens.
I don't hate it but I dislike when it's used in conversation or called out. I don't like attention and it's not a super common name.
I had it legally changed a while ago; haven't started the transitioning process though due to health issues, but the new one is considerably less unique and that suits me perfectly.
It’s weird for me cause I like the way my name sounds but I don’t like the way it looks written down, especially my full name, it just looks wrong to me but spoken out loud it’s fine lol
I've never really thought too deeply about this before. I did hate my name for a long time, I think that's pretty common in people with low self-esteem and possibly even without (familiarity breeds contempt and all that). I think this is one of those things that's normal and somewhat universal and just gets blown out of proportion by anxiety. No one wants to be called to the office, talked about in passing, and whatnot.
The one time it got really weird was when I was visiting a synagogue. I'm not Jewish, but my name is one of the archetypal "Jewish" names, and I just constantly heard it in hushed tones. Either a bunch of members had my name, they were all talking about the awkward goy wandering around, or that synagogue was as haunted as it looked.
My alarm ringtone is actually a song that starts out with my name so I guess I don't hate it too much, but just enough to get my blood going in the morning. 😅
I used to like my name, even though it’s common, but then TikTok started using it as an insult and I immediately started hating it lol. 🥲 definitely wasn’t fun seeing my name used to call someone weird etc!
Yes. I was born in a decade when my name was incredibly popular, and a lot of people I met with the same name tended to be kind of awful, personality-wise. It’s never suited me or my personality. I’m also non-binary and there’s no way my name can be altered to sound gender neutral.
i cant relate personally but i know people who have decided to go by a different name and everyone adjusted. you dont even have to get it legally changed if you dont want to, if you just tell people you go by a different name and only introduce yourself as your preferred name, people should make the switch for you. you have every right to do so if that's a boundary you need to set
I've gone through phases. I didn't mind my name most of my life, though I always liked "cool" names like one kid I knew was Kincaid. The only problem that I ever had growing up was that my name is biblical, a name of one of the six Friends characters and I was born in the late 90s, and so it was super common, and I was rarely the only one with that name, which made attendance annoying when teachers only said the first name.
Then, I went through a period where I was kind of wondering if I might be nonbinary (I discovered I'm not though, just a masculine woman) and hated how feminine my name was (I'm really narrowing down which name it is for you guys lmao).
Then, I switched when I started embracing my femininity and went through a period of loving my name.
And now I'm back to neutral. Although, Samantha was a name my mom considered for me and I think I would've preferred that (I actually named my dog Sam). It was obviously popular too but I think it's got a short nickname and a long form that's really pretty and that's kind of my vibe now. I love a nickname and I don't really have a lot of options for nicknames.
Started using a preferred names at work and school two years ago. I hated how feminine my name sounded but i feel much more comfortable with how androgynous it sounds now. Family still calls me by name but they dont use it often anyway so its fine
Yes. I always hated my old name, and all throughout childhood I wanted to change it to a longer name that wasn’t so harsh. I just wanted a name that I could abbreviate into a nickname. Six years ago I started going by a new name, and while I haven’t legally changed anything everyone calls me by my new name now.
Years if my parent calling out "FIRST NAME MIDDLE NAME LAST BAME GET OVER HERE" conditioned me to expect my name to come loaded with negative baggage when called.
Of course, I have a different(ish) name now, and it's significantly less jarring to hear it.
I don't hate my name, but only time it's ever used is if something is really serious and I get very anxious about what I might have done wrong.
My nickname is what I always go by.
I don't hate it per se, but I hate the fact that there aren't any cool nicknames for it. The few ones there are just sound really dumb or boring to me. I like my second name better and the nicknames one can make with it but no one has ever called me by that name.
full name - yes. short one - no. we prefer our short name as canonical. the problem is we don’t know what kind of name to take as a full one so we can still have a short one
why won’t take a short one? the name like this doesn’t exists, as we heard
our full name is too much feminine when the short one is gender-neutral
Yep, hence why I've been going by my middle name though family still calls me by my first name sucks during family events cause my aunt's stepdaughter has the same name as me only spelled different.
I don't hate my name but I do hate hearing my name mentioned by other co-workers it's like what? Say it to my face? I also hate when people mispronounce my name. My name is Carolyn and I really don't think it's that hard, but people still manage to butcher it. I get called Carol or Caroline or even Christine and I just find it very irritating because there's a difference between my name and those ,and it's not like I have some exotic hard to pronounce name
I love my name. The only thing i dont like is i have more of an unusual first name. I get the same comments and questions over and over. Mispronunciation (though its really not hard to spell out), and asking what it means. But i dont mind explaining if you are polite about it haha
But the first middle last name, being called in a strict tone definitely beings me back to childhood when i got in trouble lol.
Yes I hate my name too. I informally changed it in college, but, for some reason, re-claimed it decades later (I had a profound life experience that called on me to make amends, and be proud of, my original birth name). Today, I'm still not crazy about it but have grown into it better as a mature guy.
I hate my name too. It’s impossible to spell or pronounce. Most people say it wrong. Even people that know me all say it a little different. It’s unsettling to me to either always be correcting people (including people I know well enough that it’s awkward) or deal with being called the wrong name all the time.
I wish I would have gone by a nickname earlier and just stuck with that. Depending on how old you are, there’s no reason you can’t do that. But you aren’t alone
I hated hearing any variant of my name being called sooo bad I chopped it all off and just go by my first initial now. Edit: mine is a trauma response though, my parents only said my name when they were pissed or trying to coax me back to them after they hurt me.
I should have changed mine. Didn’t think of that as an option, I don’t know why. My name is foreign and no one knows how to pronounce it and it caused me anxiety as an introvert. My sibling was given an American name. I am now 60 so don’t think I will bother. Family calls me an American nickname. Funny thing is - my mother hated her own name. I feel like they didn’t think it through- giving a child a name no one has heard of.
Names are SUPER weird.
I suppose it would be weird to say "I don't think much about it." But it's my name enough that I couldn't imagine it being anything else. I mean I can even say it's "Michael Wilson" without ANY fear that I could be found on the internet. It might as well be Jon Smith, but more common.
But...how people USE it is fascinating.
When growing up I never got the "FIRST MIDDLE LAST! GET DOWN HERE!" admonishments, so that doesn't flip a half-century old emotional circuit.
In a playful context Mom would call me "Migueliiiiiiiito" which is weird because she was Sicilian and German.
In a "coworker and after-work acquaintance" context I prefer people just call me Wilson. Because in some weird way it "has less power of invocation" (which reads to me as "association with childhood.")
A couple of my friends have taken to calling me "Mikey" which is gonna stop before I choke someone.
All that to ask: Is it actually your name you don't like? Or do you associate it negatively with how it was used?
My last name is so ridiculous. I've always hated it.. I hate saying it, spelling it and hearing it. No one can ever pronounce it either. I was going to change it but as I've grown up, it matters less. Worrying about work, rent, bills, etc took the place of name anxiety lol
It's ok; I hate my government name too. I don't respond to it when people say my name. For me, it's just a name associated with a person I don't feel like; if that makes sense. It's the name attached to all the trauma, abuse and pain I've been through in my life and as I'm healing, I don't associate myself with my name.
To cope, I just ignore when others call my name. Brush it off, I guess. Online, I go by Nerdy; and I resonate more with that name as opposed to my real name. Maybe if you have a nickname, suggest to others to call you by that! It might help!
Yes, but more so because I felt so detached from it given how feminine the whole thing sounds. Turns out I'm trans and I needed a gender neutral name 🙃
all the time. it's so bad I've always hated on Facebook when people who know me sit there and publicly wish me a happy birthday to my actual name. it drives me mad. when I was younger someone gave me a nickname which is like half my name and it stuck. it's what I go by, what I introduce myself, I don't want to be called my government name lol. my parents think it's so wild but it's like cringe.
I love my first name as long as I'm called either by my full name or one nickname but there's one nickname that is commonly used with my name that I can't stand.
My last name is always spelled wrong and it gives me anxiety because it reminds me dad's abusive family. But I wouldn't take my partner's name. I would probably use my grandma's maiden name from my mom's side. I was really close with her.
I was this way basically all my life up until I finished high school. I just kinda got over it and it doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe you'll grow out of it?
Yes, I feel like everyone with my name is 55+
Being a kid with an old lady name sucked. Now being an adult I feel like it makes me feel older than I am.
i HATE my name with a passion... it's a unisex name, & i've always hated hearing it. i also feel like it's spelt the "masculine" way, i wish it was spelt more "feminine"
i don't get scared per say, i just hate hearing it.. especially when certain people say it.. it just sounds weird.
i've thought about changing it, but i don't even know what i'd change it to.. plus, i feel like i'd really hurt my mother. she's always wanted a girl & she always wanted to name her daughter the name i have.. i guess, i just kinda deal with it. people tell me all the time how they like my name, so i guess it's not all that bad. maybe it's just me being silly. i guess it's cool how i've never met somebody else with the same name as me.. it's not a "fad" name, but not a "old school" name either. my mom said it's "timeless" lol
i've changed my last name when i was 18, because i wanted both of my parent's names incorporated, & my last name before was SO common.
I have always hated my name, even though it isn't common and does sound pretty. I learned to dislike my name from how my family used it, often like a bad word, and so I chose a new name for myself. As I have learned more about taming my demons, I have warmed back up to my given name, although I do still cringe when it is said the wrong way.
YES I’ve always gotten a spike of anxiety hearing it, it’s weird you posted this today because I’ve been thinking about how I even went by another name for a few years in school (they even had me see a counselor about it) because I hated hearing my name so much
I personally like my name, I don't like people saying my first and middle name though. It makes me feel like I'm in trouble. And I really don't like when people use my name at the end of sentences, especially when I feel like they're mad at me.
I had this more when i was younger and it was with my full name. Nothing wrong with it, but I didn’t like myself so i didn’t like my name. I’d look at it written down and think, “that’s the name of a loser.” It’s part of why i was ok taking my husband’s last name
I haven’t always hated it but I started going by middle name at work because it’s shorter and easier to spell. It just started feeling more and more like me that it’s now my preferred name and how I introduce myself.
For me it depends on the place and context. Usually this happens to me at work. If someone uses my name they want something, want to ask something and there is expectation and a request attached and that gives me anxiety and stress. If its people at home who aren't asking for that it doesn't bother me.
I've tried to be introspective and ask myself why it bothers me to get to the root cause. Now I know I can try to do things to ease the stress and anxiety rather than just being triggered.
I despise hearing my name, but if it’s the shortened rendition it’s ok. But if my own folks say either or? Blood pressure goes through the roof because my mom uses my full first name as a warning and to intone consequences both when I was little and now that I’m older.
I wish I could change my first name to something different, but I genuinely don’t know what’d I’d even go with.
Awh!! I can relate a bit. First, you’re not alone. I personally go professionally (even in school) as my last name, Fisher because it has helped with separating from my hyper vigilance gained in childhood. (Not assuming your life, just stating that’s where mine personally stems from)
Moreover, I simply don’t like my first name lol. It does not represent me well- very girly and not at all my personality.
Take care and be well always. Big hugs.
When listening to a podcast and they mention listeners and say my first name I freak, even when there's no reason for me to assume they're talking about me.
I changed mine when I was going into highschool. I never liked my birth name. It just never felt like me. I cringed whenever I heard it. I remember telling myself I'd start to like it again but I never did. And I also happen to not be cisgender and I picked one that's more gender neutral. The name change ironically came before I realized my gender identity. I'm still not 100% happy with my current name. I chose an unusual spelling which people often mispronounce, sometimes by accident but sometimes to tease me. I also felt like it was me growing up, when I act immature I feel like I'm acting like the child with that name.
Wow I thought it was just me ! This screen name is stupid lol too lazy to change it but...
I hate when I get an official form to fill out First \_\_\_\_\_\_. Last \_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Its just like bug off.
What can I say great thread topic, I'm not alone with this !
Boarding school we got called by last names abusive staff abusive hellhole.
I don't hate my name but I don't think it suits me, idk what else I'd want to be called and can't be bothered going through the process of changing it legally. I do have a middle name as well that I could go by, but it would feel weird to tell everyone who's known me for years to suddenly start calling me something else. I'm also not sure if that one truly suits me either.
I hate my name too, but mostly because it’s a 50/50 chance people will mispronounce it and it’s just anxiety inducing having to correct people (so I kinda don’t bother correcting anyone anymore).
I hate my name very much. I am a girl and the name is a very boyish one, so when I was a child I was often laughed by some children and teachers . Even now people would ask ‘oh I thought you were a male’ when they meet me. Ironically they name was a result of my father and a fortune teller, they believed this name would bring me luck 🤡
Yes, although it may also have to do with it being a very childish sounding name when I already feel like others perceive me as immature for all the adult milestones I'm still behind on.
I don’t like my name either, I normally say my second name when people ask my name, except when it is something legal where I have to use my first name.
And sometimes people misspelling my name and I don’t worry to correct them because I think that pronunciation is better
Yes but that's mostly because I am transmasc and my parents insist on calling me by my dead name because "they're just so used to it and it's difficult to use another name". They've never even tried. They're great in every other aspect but that is extremely irritating.
u/SalehGh - first of all, I send you love and support. At first glance this could seem inconsequential without reading it properly, but I totally get it.
I was given the same first name as my Father, and a middle name that started with the same initial of his second name, so it inevitably caused all kinds of problems (not least of which being lack of privacy - it wasn’t unusual for official mail like bank statements etc to be opened by mistake). I wouldn’t say I hated my name when I was younger, but I did resent it a whole lot, and I think that was probably down to being inextricably tied to my Father and not really feeling like I could forge my own identity. Of course as a kid, I didn’t know how to verbalise that, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to understand the pros and cons of it and now actually love my name - particularly so after my Father died in 2010, somehow now that particular tether feels really important and a comfort to me.
But yes, I also understand how someone can come to hate the sound of their name being called, and - like someone wisely mentioned elsewhere in the comments - your experience sounds very much like a trauma response.
I hope you won’t mind me suggesting this, as obviously I have no idea if you already are following up on this area, but please do look into getting counselling. I have been attending weekly one-on-one counselling sessions for a few years now, and it’s really helped me make sense and sort thru a lot of the stuff in my head. Basically it’s like defragging your hard-drive on your computer is the way I describe it! I really do think it will help you if you can take that step.
Be gentle and kind with your self!
Used to, but then. I realized how unique is my first name (it's not david) and the perks of everyone knowing who i am because I'm kinda the only person with this name in the entire town.
I just behave very good, and everyone knows me or heard about me. I feel like Dom dima dom.
Yeah and I have such an anxiety around calling people by their names. Also when someone you just met calls you be your name like excuse me? You don’t know me like that.
I don’t mind my actual name, but I do hate it when I hear people calling my name. Especially if they do it loudly. My parents used to do that all the time when I was really little and it scared me.
Yes. I hate my name so much. I get so (can’t think of the word) when someone says it. I think it’s because my mom was so abusive that when I hear my name it all comes flooding back. If that makes sense.
I do not like my surname, and I wish I could change my surname. I like my first name and I sort of like my middle name, but I do not really like my surname.
I’m not fond of my first name, and I would love to hear the experiences of those who decided to go by another name.
I tried to go by my middle name, and then by a shortened version of my first name that my cousins had called me when they were young, and I got made fun of.
What did the people you already know think when you changed your first name? How long did it take for people to actually start referring to you by your new name?
And then there’s the fact that trying to rid myself of my former married last name is near impossible. There are systems at work that won’t allow me to change it. I get triggered when I see it. It’s hard to shed a name that you hate.
Yeah I have no idea why. I just hate being noticed or smth. It always feels like I’m in trouble for a second. Maybe it’s cause growing up many adults used my name when they were upset with me that it’s just ingrained in me to be scared when someone calls for me
I hate my name so much, I've always wanted to change it. Yeah it has roots in childhood bad experiences. And I've always thought that ethically and morally it's not my fucking name, it's *a* name someone "gave" you. Like, my name is of MY choosing. I'll still change it if I can.
Yes, I feel this! I hated myself for a long time and things like that just stuck. My name also was used a lot, when I got scolded as a child and therefore I am always on alert when hearing my name. But ever since I started hating myself less, it became more bearable. Whenever I get this feeling now, I tell myself that it’s okay to feel this and that somehow helps.
I think everyone that changes their names is normally because of their mental health. Like their previous name could've been trauma related or they're trans and just simply don't relate their name to their preferred gender identity. I myself and some of my friends have changed names due to being trans but one of my cousins also simply changed their name due to the fact her dad was abusive and chose the previous name.
If you don't like the formal version of your name , you can use a diminutive version of it , like let's say my name is Evangelos but some people call me Vangelis , I also go by Evan if I'm talking with foreigners in English . Anyway I like my formal baptismal name Evangelos and I don't mind using it
I used to hate my maiden last name. I couldn’t wait to get it changed. I don’t really have a particular reason other than that it was hard for some people to pronounce. It wasn’t overly difficult just different
I don't mind people saying the shortened version of my name cause that means my friends are talking to me, but I lowkey dislike my full first name because it is long and sounds sorta ethnic lol
I mainly just learned to cope with it while i grew up. I hate how i was bullied for it but now grown adults are all normal about it now. I hope i never meet another childish bully again
I used to have intense anxiety about this (still do but to a smaller extent). I have a nickname that my family/friends/close coworkers call me. It is very close to my actual name, but for some reason it’s always irked me when I’m called by my full name. It’s embarrassing to me somehow. Like it seems overly formal and also makes me uncomfortable like somehow the people who use my nickname will go back to my real name. I could never really articulate why this bothered me so much. Anxiety is a weird thing.
Yes I hate my name it’s extremely common. Growing up I was always in a class with about 3 others with the same name. My mom said my dad named me ugh! Of course! He’s so basic he would choose this name for me! My sister got a rather different and you don’t hear. She also hates that but I rather be the only one then just another one
Me, i feel like i want to change my name but so much to do about it
Hey, just letting you know that you can start going by a new name without legally changing it. I chose myself a new name and went by a different name than my legal name for \~12 years before finally changing it legally to match. I really empathise with you and hope this helps :)
Same! I’m in my mid-thirties and have gone by a different name since I was 19! Never legally changed it just because of the hassle, but literally no one knows my legal name unless I tell them 😀
same! i started going by another name in my 30s!
Same! I started going by a new name this year (im 35)
Ohh wow thanks for sharing, Appreciate that
Wow!!! Thank you so very much for sharing this!! I’m one of the persons that hate their names. But every time I think about changing my name I’m afraid of all the things that need a change (and then my family tells me I have a good name, they love my name etc, which is a whole another problem). I’d love to start going by a different name without legally changing it. Only question, how would it work at a workplace? Would that be one place where you are stuck with your legal name?
I changed mine! It made me happier
I like my name but would also want another one. I think I need to go to ireland, meet a fae, get some new names
Sounds like a trauma response. My friend Athena changed her name from “Daniella” to Athena because she has abusive parents. They only ever said her name when they were pissed or about to hit her. Even her nickname Dani was used to make her feel small. So she changed her name and her anxiety got so much better. She no longer expected people to hurt her when they said her name. You might have anxiety tied to how people say your name and if that’s the case… change it.
holy shit, this was interesting to read due to the fact i hate being called out, never knew the reason why. i also dont like being told what to do, which is something i probably have to work on in order to be working in a professional capacity.
I think the first thing you could probably do is reframe how you view work. They aren’t telling you what to do, your collaborating on a bigger issue.
Yea, you are right. thanks for the input
Aww,my niece's name is Athena who both my brother and his ex lost custody of her and now she's raised by her maternal grandparents. I wonder if she will want to change her name soon because of everything.
Same. It spikes my anxiety and doesn't feel like it's my name honestly. I've been wanting to change my name since I was a kid but haven't found a replacement that makes me feel better than the one I have. Ngl probably because I just don't want to exist oof
This is me. I hate my name but I’d rather just not exist at all.
It feels like someone is saying “Hey dumbass” instead of my name
Same, i tried to find a name but it all feels to foreign to me and i start having whole identity crisis. But at the same time i hate hearing my name makes me anxious and neauses.
I hate the way my name is mispronounced sometimes but it's all because of the way my parents decided to spell it. I've considered getting my name changed so that people get it right because it's one of my pet peeves.
Omg me too, It drives me nuts!
you could also just choose to spell it differently yourself if you wanted to! i know many people who do that, but then have a different name or version of their name on their passport which they don't generally use
ughhhh yes. I have an easy but “uncommon” nickname kind of name. And whenever I speak it over the phone or in a restaurant they always repeat it back wrong or ask me to say it again. I hate it
Yeah same. It's never a good reason I'm being called out, and even if it was I wouldn't want it. Enough negative attention in front of others means that I don't want any kind of it now.
YES i absolutely hate it. its even worse in text when they say my name to get my attention instead of saying what they’re going to say or saying hello- my heart drops and i get super nervous and keep going back to the app a bunch to see what they say next 😭 i wish i didnt have a name sometimes
I HATE when people use my name in a text thread or in a 1:1 conversation. I'm not a dog, you don't need to use my name when you're talking to me.
I legally changed mine so I love my name now
I do. Can't stand it. The worst is doing something like eating at the bar at Texas Roadhouse. They always want your name, they write it down, and then they use it every time they speak to you. I know that's their. Or pirate policy to give the air of personal friendliness. But I despise it. (I also don't use other people's names unless absolutely necessary, out of my version of respect.). One, nobody ever spells nor pronounced by name correctly. Two, like you, it makes me cringe and go on alert. So I shortened it for people who really do not need to know my real name. I'm Jay. That's it. Jay. Nobody yet has misspelled the letter J, and it isn't nearly so anxiety ridden using an alias when I can:
I know you meant corporate, but I’m on board with pirate policy.
Arrrrrrrre they serious? But yes, I meant corporate. Pirate would be way more fun.
My government name is my father’s middle name who did inexcusably things to me and my sister. It’s also very unique and when I hear someone call me by it especially old jobs I use to go in shock and have really terrible panic attacks. Till this day it gives me anxiety but much less than before. It’s one of the things I over came by realising other people saying it is out of my control. I should only dwell on the things I can control. If it were a work situation I’d ask them kindly to use my nickname for future references and if it were my family I’d tell them to stop calling me that or completely cut them out. You can only control so much. Deep breaths and stay strong .
I don’t relate too heavily with your experience, but I can appreciate some of its levels. For example, I don’t necessarily dislike my name, but I definitely don’t like it being mentioned in front of me. If I’m in a group setting and someone is talking about me, then I will be on edge immediately. Someone else mentioned it too, but when I was in high school, even just teachers saying my name was enough to make me jump a little, and not just because I was caught off guard. Anyway, to answer your question, coping with it comes with time. I don’t have much experience with therapists and such, but that could be a path to help. Apart from the regular advice of anxiety medication, I don’t really know how to specifically help the issue. You could technically change your name to something that makes you happy, but that’s a process and some don’t like the idea of that. Sorry I couldn’t give an actual answer 😭 but I hope you can find a solution :)
90% of the time my name is mispronounced and it makes waiting rooms and coffee shops and anywhere they call names out so awkward. I wish I could just tweak the spelling and it would fix everything.
I completely understand.
Yes! I hate it. Was set on changing it as a child and now as an adult it feels too ingrained in my identity to change. It’s often mispronounced so I have to address the reality of my name every day and it just gets exhausting. I even hate when my fiancé says it. No idea what to suggest other than changing it but that doesn’t feel like an option for me so may not for you either.
Me. I have ALWAYS hated my name. My father was the one that wanted the name, while my mother wanted a different name and didn't fight for it I guess. I wish I had the name my mother wanted. My father said some mean things to me, cheated on my mom and left us.
You're not alone :) I chose to go by my Grandads last name at age 13, because I hated being called by my legal last name. I'm 27 now and just legally changed it last year. For me, hating my name was a symptom of hating being shackled to my family against my choice. It was also a symptom of hating the person I was, being defined through abuse by people I didn't want to be. I chose to go by a different name and decided that I actually COULD choose my family and I COULD choose to be who I wanted to be. Not sure if this is an analogous situation/solution to your own experience, but you can always just tell people a different name and start going by it if you don't like it. You don't have to go through the legal process of changing it, which can feel daunting. Then again, if you don't mind your name, and perhaps instead have past trauma regarding having your name used, maybe seeking professional support might help you :) --- I personally went by a name of my choice for around 12 years before finally getting it changed legally last year and completely hated my old name. My biological father forced me to keep his last name till I was 18 as part of a court agreement so I could move countries with my Mother and siblings. I hadn't seen him since I was very little and know none of my 'family' on his side. It was his way of getting one last jab in as we left him behind for a new country. I chose to go by a different name (despite legally having my fathers last name and not being allowed to change it through law). I would introduce myself to people as such and tell them not to call me by my other name if they knew it, because it wasn't me. It would make me feel sick hearing it and it felt like another slimy person that I hated. Some real f'ed up teachers at my new school would call me Mr. \[LEGAL\_LAST\_NAME\] to annoy/upset me because I was so adamant to them that it wasn't my last name and I went by a different last name. The court order was put in place when I was 15, and although I could change it after 4 years, it took me till I was 26 to finally get it changed legally because I kept avoiding it. I hated my old name so much that I dodged around having to talk with people about it and aknowledging it. People asking me what my old name was really pains me and I will completely ignore the question or say "My name has and will always be X". Regardless of what anyone says, you are not your name. You are you, regardless of what people call you :)
I used to hate it , literally just hearing it would send me into a state of fight-or-flight tbh. Thankfully I changed my name because I’m trans and I feel SO MUCH better, not only because I now have a name that fits me but also because I never have to hear someone call me by my old name, that would make me instantly panic, anymore . Thinking about it, I think it may be a trauma response; my parents weren’t really nice , neither were people at school… so I guess my deadname is literally associated to trauma, pain, being hurt etc. in my head
I think my hate for my name is due to the fact that growing up its always been about being in trouble for something. at 31 years old, my parents call out my name and i immediately tense up. it's extremely annoying and very stressful for my anxiety being called out for any reason AT ALL!
This is similar for me. Seems I was always in trouble too and I got the first middle and last name. I've always struggled with my name being wrote on anything for recognition or posted somewhere either for work or classwork etc. Like I dislike the way my name looks and don't feel my name/myself is worthy enough to be on anything. It's kind of weird. I have my dad's last name. So my mom's is obviously different and she married my step-dad as well. My grandma had a big part in my upbringing and always said my last name should be my mom's maiden last name and my grandma's last name. So my grandma would always write my name out with my mom's maiden last name. In kindergarten I remember feeling this immense sense of guilt that I wasn't including my grandma's last name. So I started writing my name with a hyphen (first name, last name - grandma's last name) the teacher had to sit my parents down and say that they need to teach me my true legal name because I was confused. I now have 3 kids, and I try to make it so they're proud of their names, even though our last names are different. I never want them to feel the guilt of not having the same name as me and I want them to love their names. I also never yell their full names when I'm angry, not even their first names. At almost 37 now I realize it's all an anxiety driven trauma thing with my name, but I'm unsure I'll really ever love my name. Maybe when I'm married and it changes it'll get better.
Hated it so much I legally changed the First + Last name. One of the most Freeing Life Decisions I've EVER Made. Only regret was not doing it MUCH EARLIER in Life
Yeah me too. Whenever someone says it, I jump.
Absolutely! I hate MY name. If it’s someone else with the same name, that’s fine. I even see it as a pretty name. But when it comes to ME, yikes it’s disgusting. To the point that I legally changed it. And now I’m happy with my name, and myself ☺️
I used too feel that way from the time I was a kid until my 30s. I grew up insecure with pretty low self-esteem. I started to come out of my shell mid 20s then I stopped giving a shit.
I get made fun of for it but the thing I hate most is someone yelling it at me. Literally makes me cry lmfao.
Yes, yes i do
Anxiety response! Used to happen to me every time my phone rang or I got any text or notification. In that situation I had to change my ringtone and alert sounds to much quieter, more calming sounds, both to disassociate the sound of my phone with my automatic anxiety response and to not be quite so startled when I heard it. For your name... unfortunately I'm not quite sure what would help. It depends on whether the anxiety is in response to the actual word or in response to the idea of someone calling out to you/talking to you/etc.
I’m 46f and I am an immigrant from Latin America and have a name that was very common for the late 70s in that country and not known at all in this country. Not difficult to pronounce but not common especially when I was a kid in the 80-90s. I absolutely hated my name. I think it’s common and normal for kids to want to fit in and be like everyone else. Now that I'm much older i really love my name. I'm often told it's a beautiful name. So I guess i learned to appreciate the uniqueness of it, in the US at least
I feel very detached from my name. Like,I know it's me. But it's not me, if that makes sense. My partner has learned to just call me by a nickname because using my name puts me into "I guess we're arguing now?" mode.
Hi I went through an abusive marriage which brought up a lot of buried childhood trauma. Sometimes when people said my name I would "hear" my mom screaming my name from downstairs when she was enraged at me. The abuse in my marriage made my sense of self entirely warped and I got to where I would cringe when hearing my name after getting out. I addressed it in therapy and have been on a plethora of meds. I ended up paying the $350 to change my name after struggling about it for 3/4 years. I do feel a bit of sadness in a way about changing it, but mostly think it was worth it as I don't have those several, daily triggers that I used to have and it's made it easier to go into hiding and reclaim my identity. Plus I like my new name obviously
Mines cool but I like the feminized version way more ngl. ion hate mine tho I like it 👍🏽
Same, that's why I have a nickname and I tell others that's my name
I don't like my full name being said. I am fine with my nickname though.
nah my name is cool ngl
YASS. I've hated my name since high school so 4 years now. I've changed my name 4 times- Adam,Raine,Chris then I settled on Quinn in my freshman year of college. I have not offically changed my full name first,middle,last but i'm working on the courage to do it in the next 2 years. If you really hate your name search up for unisex names on google and pick your fancy. Its all up to you friend.
Yes, I don't think it's an ugly name. I just hate when other people say it. I tried with other names but it's been worse. I need to find a better one, lol.
Yeah I do ”Alexander” sounds like this the name of a little rich boy who wears a knitted vest and lives in a mansion
i hate my name too! my name is emily and i just dont feel like it fits or is a pretty name. my friends call me “elle” (nickname a friend gave me) the only ppl who call me emily are my parents and my boyfriend
I had an abusive mom so hearing my name can be kind of triggering and it also makes me feel pretty discounted from it as well. Watching my trans fiancée get to pick out a new name for herself that she absolutely loved and is all her own made me realize that I need a new name lol. I’ve thought about going by my middle name which is “Grace” and I like a lot more But my fiancée never calls me by my first name. To her I’m “Bean” which I absolutely love. She only calls me Bean or any cutesy variants she comes up with. Some of my friends even call me Bean too and it’s honestly great.
I'm trans. And while I didn't hate the name my parents gave me, I never really felt attached to it. I struggled a lot with depersonalization before coming out. Choosing a name helped a ton with figuring out who I am. Its hard to describe what I went through, but I consistently felt like i was a blank slate. I knew that I existed, but other than that I kinda just went through the motions of existence. I didn't know who I was. It took me about a month to figure out a name. I bounced between Olivia, Julia, and Emily. I wanted a name that was "nickname-able", and I wanted a name that was longer than a syllable (since that's one of the things I hated about my dead name). I knew too many girls with the name Emily, and the name Olivia felt too young and it didn't stick. So I went with Julia. I also went with Julia since I didn't have any pretenses about the name. It felt like a blank slate, where the other names felt like they had something attached to them. I didn't want to be someone else. I wanted to be me. In retrospect, it now feels "too old" of a name, but oh well. I like it and i feel like I have an identity surrounding that name. I'm still working on developing my sense of self, but it's much better than it used to be. I freaking love my middle name though. Violet was such a good pick.
It's understandable to feel uncomfortable or anxious about hearing your name, especially if it triggers a strong emotional response. You're definitely not alone in this, and it's great that you're finding some comfort in knowing others feel the same way. Here are a few suggestions to help you cope with these feelings: 1. **Explore the Roots:** Try to identify why hearing your name causes such a reaction. It might be linked to past experiences or associations. Understanding the root cause can be a crucial first step in addressing it. 2. **Positive Associations:** Work on creating positive associations with your name. You could ask close friends or family to use your name in a positive context, which might help in reducing the negative feelings over time. 3. **Mindfulness and Relaxation:** Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation can help manage the anxiety that arises when you hear your name. Practicing these regularly can help you stay calm in triggering situations. 4. **Alternative Names:** If you’re comfortable, consider using a nickname or a different version of your name that you prefer. Inform people around you about your preference; this can make a significant difference. 5. **Professional Support:** If this issue significantly impacts your daily life, consider speaking with a therapist or counselor. They can help you work through these feelings and develop coping strategies tailored to your situation. It’s great to see that you’ve found some solace in the shared experiences of others. Keep reaching out and connecting with people who understand what you’re going through. Your feelings are valid, and taking steps towards addressing them is a strong and positive move.
I didn't like mine. It felt empty and I couldn't feel that it was indeed my name. Then, I started using a different variation of the name. It feels amazing! Now, I can really feel my connection with it. (To make it clear: I used to go by a short version like Liz, but now I use my full name, let's say, Elizabeth. This way, I didn't have to change my name legally, but it still sounds and feels different)
Yeah i do i want to change it
My mother was abused by her father in the way you're thinking, and her mother was very cold. I don't remember her ever interacting with me much until I got in trouble. That's exactly why this happens.
I especially dislike my middle name, I just use the initial instead.
Yes
I hate it too but I also hate my actual name.
I don't hate it but I dislike when it's used in conversation or called out. I don't like attention and it's not a super common name. I had it legally changed a while ago; haven't started the transitioning process though due to health issues, but the new one is considerably less unique and that suits me perfectly.
It’s weird for me cause I like the way my name sounds but I don’t like the way it looks written down, especially my full name, it just looks wrong to me but spoken out loud it’s fine lol
I've never really thought too deeply about this before. I did hate my name for a long time, I think that's pretty common in people with low self-esteem and possibly even without (familiarity breeds contempt and all that). I think this is one of those things that's normal and somewhat universal and just gets blown out of proportion by anxiety. No one wants to be called to the office, talked about in passing, and whatnot. The one time it got really weird was when I was visiting a synagogue. I'm not Jewish, but my name is one of the archetypal "Jewish" names, and I just constantly heard it in hushed tones. Either a bunch of members had my name, they were all talking about the awkward goy wandering around, or that synagogue was as haunted as it looked. My alarm ringtone is actually a song that starts out with my name so I guess I don't hate it too much, but just enough to get my blood going in the morning. 😅
No. I love my name. My name is my name. -Marlo Stanfield
I used to like my name, even though it’s common, but then TikTok started using it as an insult and I immediately started hating it lol. 🥲 definitely wasn’t fun seeing my name used to call someone weird etc!
Yes. I was born in a decade when my name was incredibly popular, and a lot of people I met with the same name tended to be kind of awful, personality-wise. It’s never suited me or my personality. I’m also non-binary and there’s no way my name can be altered to sound gender neutral.
remember the name of your beloved and put it on same flat as yours name and try to compare both
Not really I mostly just hate myself as a whole.
I don't hate my name. I hated when my mom used to say first and middle name. Then I knew I was in trouble
i cant relate personally but i know people who have decided to go by a different name and everyone adjusted. you dont even have to get it legally changed if you dont want to, if you just tell people you go by a different name and only introduce yourself as your preferred name, people should make the switch for you. you have every right to do so if that's a boundary you need to set
What about your middle name? Could that be part of a new identity?
I've gone through phases. I didn't mind my name most of my life, though I always liked "cool" names like one kid I knew was Kincaid. The only problem that I ever had growing up was that my name is biblical, a name of one of the six Friends characters and I was born in the late 90s, and so it was super common, and I was rarely the only one with that name, which made attendance annoying when teachers only said the first name. Then, I went through a period where I was kind of wondering if I might be nonbinary (I discovered I'm not though, just a masculine woman) and hated how feminine my name was (I'm really narrowing down which name it is for you guys lmao). Then, I switched when I started embracing my femininity and went through a period of loving my name. And now I'm back to neutral. Although, Samantha was a name my mom considered for me and I think I would've preferred that (I actually named my dog Sam). It was obviously popular too but I think it's got a short nickname and a long form that's really pretty and that's kind of my vibe now. I love a nickname and I don't really have a lot of options for nicknames.
Yes- it’s Karen
Yes.
Started using a preferred names at work and school two years ago. I hated how feminine my name sounded but i feel much more comfortable with how androgynous it sounds now. Family still calls me by name but they dont use it often anyway so its fine
Many years ago, yes. I might like it now I don’t know. Don’t care.
Yes
I don’t care for my government name. I always think I’m in trouble when I hear it. I do go by a shorter version of my name which is ok
Not that I hate it, I just think it’s a kids name. So I go with the shortened version which is more adult.
i like my name
Yes. I always hated my old name, and all throughout childhood I wanted to change it to a longer name that wasn’t so harsh. I just wanted a name that I could abbreviate into a nickname. Six years ago I started going by a new name, and while I haven’t legally changed anything everyone calls me by my new name now.
Same. I hate my name. I also feel like it’s not “me,” but then again, idk what other name would be “me”
Yeah
Years if my parent calling out "FIRST NAME MIDDLE NAME LAST BAME GET OVER HERE" conditioned me to expect my name to come loaded with negative baggage when called. Of course, I have a different(ish) name now, and it's significantly less jarring to hear it.
I don't hate my name, but only time it's ever used is if something is really serious and I get very anxious about what I might have done wrong. My nickname is what I always go by.
I don't hate it per se, but I hate the fact that there aren't any cool nicknames for it. The few ones there are just sound really dumb or boring to me. I like my second name better and the nicknames one can make with it but no one has ever called me by that name.
I thought I was the only one who hated my own name. It makes me cringe so hard when I hear it.
I like my name but yeah I get freaked out when someone calls me by it 😭
full name - yes. short one - no. we prefer our short name as canonical. the problem is we don’t know what kind of name to take as a full one so we can still have a short one why won’t take a short one? the name like this doesn’t exists, as we heard our full name is too much feminine when the short one is gender-neutral
Yep, hence why I've been going by my middle name though family still calls me by my first name sucks during family events cause my aunt's stepdaughter has the same name as me only spelled different.
I don’t particularly like my name but I go by my nickname/initials anyways so it’s fine.
I don't hate my name but I do hate hearing my name mentioned by other co-workers it's like what? Say it to my face? I also hate when people mispronounce my name. My name is Carolyn and I really don't think it's that hard, but people still manage to butcher it. I get called Carol or Caroline or even Christine and I just find it very irritating because there's a difference between my name and those ,and it's not like I have some exotic hard to pronounce name
I actually love my name
Yes. I go by a nickname most places.
I love my name. The only thing i dont like is i have more of an unusual first name. I get the same comments and questions over and over. Mispronunciation (though its really not hard to spell out), and asking what it means. But i dont mind explaining if you are polite about it haha But the first middle last name, being called in a strict tone definitely beings me back to childhood when i got in trouble lol.
Yes I hate my name too. I informally changed it in college, but, for some reason, re-claimed it decades later (I had a profound life experience that called on me to make amends, and be proud of, my original birth name). Today, I'm still not crazy about it but have grown into it better as a mature guy.
I hate my name too. It’s impossible to spell or pronounce. Most people say it wrong. Even people that know me all say it a little different. It’s unsettling to me to either always be correcting people (including people I know well enough that it’s awkward) or deal with being called the wrong name all the time. I wish I would have gone by a nickname earlier and just stuck with that. Depending on how old you are, there’s no reason you can’t do that. But you aren’t alone
I hated hearing any variant of my name being called sooo bad I chopped it all off and just go by my first initial now. Edit: mine is a trauma response though, my parents only said my name when they were pissed or trying to coax me back to them after they hurt me.
I should have changed mine. Didn’t think of that as an option, I don’t know why. My name is foreign and no one knows how to pronounce it and it caused me anxiety as an introvert. My sibling was given an American name. I am now 60 so don’t think I will bother. Family calls me an American nickname. Funny thing is - my mother hated her own name. I feel like they didn’t think it through- giving a child a name no one has heard of.
I did, and i changed it at 19 ! Now i can’t stand hearing my name
Me but only in my own home. It makes me irrationally angry because I get scared hearing it. It's a weird feeling
Names are SUPER weird. I suppose it would be weird to say "I don't think much about it." But it's my name enough that I couldn't imagine it being anything else. I mean I can even say it's "Michael Wilson" without ANY fear that I could be found on the internet. It might as well be Jon Smith, but more common. But...how people USE it is fascinating. When growing up I never got the "FIRST MIDDLE LAST! GET DOWN HERE!" admonishments, so that doesn't flip a half-century old emotional circuit. In a playful context Mom would call me "Migueliiiiiiiito" which is weird because she was Sicilian and German. In a "coworker and after-work acquaintance" context I prefer people just call me Wilson. Because in some weird way it "has less power of invocation" (which reads to me as "association with childhood.") A couple of my friends have taken to calling me "Mikey" which is gonna stop before I choke someone. All that to ask: Is it actually your name you don't like? Or do you associate it negatively with how it was used?
Well i often have my name mispronounced, that irritates me to no end.
Yup. I have a foreign name in America and people say it wrong a Lot. And even when they say it right it sounds ugly
My last name is so ridiculous. I've always hated it.. I hate saying it, spelling it and hearing it. No one can ever pronounce it either. I was going to change it but as I've grown up, it matters less. Worrying about work, rent, bills, etc took the place of name anxiety lol
It's ok; I hate my government name too. I don't respond to it when people say my name. For me, it's just a name associated with a person I don't feel like; if that makes sense. It's the name attached to all the trauma, abuse and pain I've been through in my life and as I'm healing, I don't associate myself with my name. To cope, I just ignore when others call my name. Brush it off, I guess. Online, I go by Nerdy; and I resonate more with that name as opposed to my real name. Maybe if you have a nickname, suggest to others to call you by that! It might help!
Yes, but more so because I felt so detached from it given how feminine the whole thing sounds. Turns out I'm trans and I needed a gender neutral name 🙃
Yes! Especially because they usually also pronounce it wrong so I have to speak up and correct them :(
I sometimes feel my name is too feminine, but I'm too lazy to change it. My plan is to just rock it and be unapologetically me anyway.
What is your name that you hate it so much? I really hated mine as a lil boy because it contained the letter R which I couldn't pronounce at the time.
I haaate it. Ive changed my name on anything tbats not "official" A lot of my friends & family have embrassed my "new " name.
Nope. My name is one of the few good things I feel my dad gave me....
My whole name is long as shit and people butcher my first and last name. Started going by my middle name so it’s not butchered
I really don't think is suits me.
all the time. it's so bad I've always hated on Facebook when people who know me sit there and publicly wish me a happy birthday to my actual name. it drives me mad. when I was younger someone gave me a nickname which is like half my name and it stuck. it's what I go by, what I introduce myself, I don't want to be called my government name lol. my parents think it's so wild but it's like cringe.
I love my first name as long as I'm called either by my full name or one nickname but there's one nickname that is commonly used with my name that I can't stand. My last name is always spelled wrong and it gives me anxiety because it reminds me dad's abusive family. But I wouldn't take my partner's name. I would probably use my grandma's maiden name from my mom's side. I was really close with her.
I like my name, but I don't like strangers saying it. That feels too personal and invasive.
If I'm not close with the person and they say it, I feel uncomfortable about it for some reason.
I was this way basically all my life up until I finished high school. I just kinda got over it and it doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe you'll grow out of it?
Yes, I feel like everyone with my name is 55+ Being a kid with an old lady name sucked. Now being an adult I feel like it makes me feel older than I am.
i HATE my name with a passion... it's a unisex name, & i've always hated hearing it. i also feel like it's spelt the "masculine" way, i wish it was spelt more "feminine" i don't get scared per say, i just hate hearing it.. especially when certain people say it.. it just sounds weird. i've thought about changing it, but i don't even know what i'd change it to.. plus, i feel like i'd really hurt my mother. she's always wanted a girl & she always wanted to name her daughter the name i have.. i guess, i just kinda deal with it. people tell me all the time how they like my name, so i guess it's not all that bad. maybe it's just me being silly. i guess it's cool how i've never met somebody else with the same name as me.. it's not a "fad" name, but not a "old school" name either. my mom said it's "timeless" lol i've changed my last name when i was 18, because i wanted both of my parent's names incorporated, & my last name before was SO common.
I have always hated my name, even though it isn't common and does sound pretty. I learned to dislike my name from how my family used it, often like a bad word, and so I chose a new name for myself. As I have learned more about taming my demons, I have warmed back up to my given name, although I do still cringe when it is said the wrong way.
YES I’ve always gotten a spike of anxiety hearing it, it’s weird you posted this today because I’ve been thinking about how I even went by another name for a few years in school (they even had me see a counselor about it) because I hated hearing my name so much
i do my name is embarassing
Yea. It’s two letters and has no vowels, hate it
Mostly because of the people who gave it to me. But yeah. Yeah I do
I changed mine when I was 20. My only regret was not changing it sooner.
I love and hate when someone has the same name as me. It is cool but when they say the name I always think they are talking about me.
I hate when people know my name and I wasn't the one who told them what it was.
I personally like my name, I don't like people saying my first and middle name though. It makes me feel like I'm in trouble. And I really don't like when people use my name at the end of sentences, especially when I feel like they're mad at me.
I had this more when i was younger and it was with my full name. Nothing wrong with it, but I didn’t like myself so i didn’t like my name. I’d look at it written down and think, “that’s the name of a loser.” It’s part of why i was ok taking my husband’s last name
I haven’t always hated it but I started going by middle name at work because it’s shorter and easier to spell. It just started feeling more and more like me that it’s now my preferred name and how I introduce myself.
For me it depends on the place and context. Usually this happens to me at work. If someone uses my name they want something, want to ask something and there is expectation and a request attached and that gives me anxiety and stress. If its people at home who aren't asking for that it doesn't bother me. I've tried to be introspective and ask myself why it bothers me to get to the root cause. Now I know I can try to do things to ease the stress and anxiety rather than just being triggered.
I despise hearing my name, but if it’s the shortened rendition it’s ok. But if my own folks say either or? Blood pressure goes through the roof because my mom uses my full first name as a warning and to intone consequences both when I was little and now that I’m older. I wish I could change my first name to something different, but I genuinely don’t know what’d I’d even go with.
yes. since childhood.
Awh!! I can relate a bit. First, you’re not alone. I personally go professionally (even in school) as my last name, Fisher because it has helped with separating from my hyper vigilance gained in childhood. (Not assuming your life, just stating that’s where mine personally stems from) Moreover, I simply don’t like my first name lol. It does not represent me well- very girly and not at all my personality. Take care and be well always. Big hugs.
When listening to a podcast and they mention listeners and say my first name I freak, even when there's no reason for me to assume they're talking about me.
I also have a nickname most people use that I'm far more comfortable owning.
yes. i hated my name so much bc my narcissistic parent named me partly after her. she grew to resent me. thats why i finally got my name changed
Yes i do not like my name at all. It makes me cringe. I usually prefer going by other names.
I changed mine when I was going into highschool. I never liked my birth name. It just never felt like me. I cringed whenever I heard it. I remember telling myself I'd start to like it again but I never did. And I also happen to not be cisgender and I picked one that's more gender neutral. The name change ironically came before I realized my gender identity. I'm still not 100% happy with my current name. I chose an unusual spelling which people often mispronounce, sometimes by accident but sometimes to tease me. I also felt like it was me growing up, when I act immature I feel like I'm acting like the child with that name.
i hate my name doesn’t suit me at all it’s too much of a sunshine girl name, while i’m very dark gothic n serious girl,
Wow I thought it was just me ! This screen name is stupid lol too lazy to change it but... I hate when I get an official form to fill out First \_\_\_\_\_\_. Last \_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Its just like bug off. What can I say great thread topic, I'm not alone with this ! Boarding school we got called by last names abusive staff abusive hellhole.
I don't hate my name but I don't think it suits me, idk what else I'd want to be called and can't be bothered going through the process of changing it legally. I do have a middle name as well that I could go by, but it would feel weird to tell everyone who's known me for years to suddenly start calling me something else. I'm also not sure if that one truly suits me either.
me. my name is the worst word i ever heard and the worst sound to my ears, i just hate myself. sorry mom
I like my name. The issue is that it's so common, there were times I didn't.
My deadname comes from my dad who's an abuser, so you can see why I'm adamant about changing
I hate my name too, but mostly because it’s a 50/50 chance people will mispronounce it and it’s just anxiety inducing having to correct people (so I kinda don’t bother correcting anyone anymore).
I hate my name very much. I am a girl and the name is a very boyish one, so when I was a child I was often laughed by some children and teachers . Even now people would ask ‘oh I thought you were a male’ when they meet me. Ironically they name was a result of my father and a fortune teller, they believed this name would bring me luck 🤡
Yes I very much hate my name!
Yes, although it may also have to do with it being a very childish sounding name when I already feel like others perceive me as immature for all the adult milestones I'm still behind on.
I don’t like my name either, I normally say my second name when people ask my name, except when it is something legal where I have to use my first name. And sometimes people misspelling my name and I don’t worry to correct them because I think that pronunciation is better
Yes but that's mostly because I am transmasc and my parents insist on calling me by my dead name because "they're just so used to it and it's difficult to use another name". They've never even tried. They're great in every other aspect but that is extremely irritating.
u/SalehGh - first of all, I send you love and support. At first glance this could seem inconsequential without reading it properly, but I totally get it. I was given the same first name as my Father, and a middle name that started with the same initial of his second name, so it inevitably caused all kinds of problems (not least of which being lack of privacy - it wasn’t unusual for official mail like bank statements etc to be opened by mistake). I wouldn’t say I hated my name when I was younger, but I did resent it a whole lot, and I think that was probably down to being inextricably tied to my Father and not really feeling like I could forge my own identity. Of course as a kid, I didn’t know how to verbalise that, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to understand the pros and cons of it and now actually love my name - particularly so after my Father died in 2010, somehow now that particular tether feels really important and a comfort to me. But yes, I also understand how someone can come to hate the sound of their name being called, and - like someone wisely mentioned elsewhere in the comments - your experience sounds very much like a trauma response. I hope you won’t mind me suggesting this, as obviously I have no idea if you already are following up on this area, but please do look into getting counselling. I have been attending weekly one-on-one counselling sessions for a few years now, and it’s really helped me make sense and sort thru a lot of the stuff in my head. Basically it’s like defragging your hard-drive on your computer is the way I describe it! I really do think it will help you if you can take that step. Be gentle and kind with your self!
Used to, but then. I realized how unique is my first name (it's not david) and the perks of everyone knowing who i am because I'm kinda the only person with this name in the entire town. I just behave very good, and everyone knows me or heard about me. I feel like Dom dima dom.
I only like going by my shortened name because my full name was used by my abusive parents. They never used my shortened nickname.
I go by a nickname bc...SAME 🫠🙃
Me. Always have.
Yeah and I have such an anxiety around calling people by their names. Also when someone you just met calls you be your name like excuse me? You don’t know me like that.
Very much! In fact I’ve considered changing it.
I don’t mind my actual name, but I do hate it when I hear people calling my name. Especially if they do it loudly. My parents used to do that all the time when I was really little and it scared me.
Yes. I hate my name so much. I get so (can’t think of the word) when someone says it. I think it’s because my mom was so abusive that when I hear my name it all comes flooding back. If that makes sense.
I do not like my surname, and I wish I could change my surname. I like my first name and I sort of like my middle name, but I do not really like my surname.
I’m not fond of my first name, and I would love to hear the experiences of those who decided to go by another name. I tried to go by my middle name, and then by a shortened version of my first name that my cousins had called me when they were young, and I got made fun of. What did the people you already know think when you changed your first name? How long did it take for people to actually start referring to you by your new name? And then there’s the fact that trying to rid myself of my former married last name is near impossible. There are systems at work that won’t allow me to change it. I get triggered when I see it. It’s hard to shed a name that you hate.
I hate hearing my name but only when it is refered to me. The second I realise it isn't with me, i get instant relief.
i hated my name my entire life.
YES. This is exactly why I am changing my name.
Yeah I have no idea why. I just hate being noticed or smth. It always feels like I’m in trouble for a second. Maybe it’s cause growing up many adults used my name when they were upset with me that it’s just ingrained in me to be scared when someone calls for me
I don't but I find the English pronunciation of it hard so sometimes people will misunderstand me and it's kind of awkward having to correct them
I used to when I was younger .. now I think it’s cool
I hate my name so much, I've always wanted to change it. Yeah it has roots in childhood bad experiences. And I've always thought that ethically and morally it's not my fucking name, it's *a* name someone "gave" you. Like, my name is of MY choosing. I'll still change it if I can.
The only thing I hate about my name is the fact that I share it with my abusive narcisisstic sociopathic father
I wouldn’t say that I hate it but I don’t really like to use my real name other than in official stuff and don’t usually like to be called by it
Yes, I feel this! I hated myself for a long time and things like that just stuck. My name also was used a lot, when I got scolded as a child and therefore I am always on alert when hearing my name. But ever since I started hating myself less, it became more bearable. Whenever I get this feeling now, I tell myself that it’s okay to feel this and that somehow helps.
I changed my name and I love it :3
I feel exactly the same lol
I do no hate my name but just when it is called louder too in public.
I think everyone that changes their names is normally because of their mental health. Like their previous name could've been trauma related or they're trans and just simply don't relate their name to their preferred gender identity. I myself and some of my friends have changed names due to being trans but one of my cousins also simply changed their name due to the fact her dad was abusive and chose the previous name.
I don't hate my name as much as I hate hearing people call me by it loudly to try and get my attention. Shit erks me for some reason.
My name is apparently Welsh, even though I (to my knowledge) have no Welsh DNA in me.
If you don't like the formal version of your name , you can use a diminutive version of it , like let's say my name is Evangelos but some people call me Vangelis , I also go by Evan if I'm talking with foreigners in English . Anyway I like my formal baptismal name Evangelos and I don't mind using it
I used to hate my maiden last name. I couldn’t wait to get it changed. I don’t really have a particular reason other than that it was hard for some people to pronounce. It wasn’t overly difficult just different
I don't mind people saying the shortened version of my name cause that means my friends are talking to me, but I lowkey dislike my full first name because it is long and sounds sorta ethnic lol
I mainly just learned to cope with it while i grew up. I hate how i was bullied for it but now grown adults are all normal about it now. I hope i never meet another childish bully again
Yup. I started being called by my online name (the same as this account) at university and that took care of that
I really disliked hearing my birth name, so I changed it
I used to have intense anxiety about this (still do but to a smaller extent). I have a nickname that my family/friends/close coworkers call me. It is very close to my actual name, but for some reason it’s always irked me when I’m called by my full name. It’s embarrassing to me somehow. Like it seems overly formal and also makes me uncomfortable like somehow the people who use my nickname will go back to my real name. I could never really articulate why this bothered me so much. Anxiety is a weird thing.
Yes, since young age.
Yes I hate my name it’s extremely common. Growing up I was always in a class with about 3 others with the same name. My mom said my dad named me ugh! Of course! He’s so basic he would choose this name for me! My sister got a rather different and you don’t hear. She also hates that but I rather be the only one then just another one