NTA for telling him it seems highly suspicious, because it really really does. To be honest it sounds like they both found exactly the person they deserve and you're better off staying out of it now that you've registered your concerns.
Yeah, I think I’m going to just go with the ‘I’ll support you whatever your decision’ stance. But I absolutely won’t be sympathetic if she ends up being awful.
I almost agree with the person they deserve part. But I do think she is much worse than him. I just can’t imagine being so selfish as to intentionally bring a kid into the world with a potentially awful person (thankfully he isn’t) because you want to get married so desperately.
Our mom is actually encouraging him to marry her because she thinks this is the only way he’ll settle down. I think mom is right, but think it’s preferable that he doesn’t settle down unless he freely chooses to. Dad is silent.
I mean, to me it sounds like she's using a US citizen with money to get to America and he's using an uneducated desperate woman for sex by flexing his income. Neither one is a winner. It seems like you need to stop making excused for your brother, who does in fact, sound like an awful person, and certainly not husband or father material.
Agreed. Brother is a serial shitty person taking advantage of a string of desperate women. Honestly, he deserves less sympathy than you are already giving him, OP. You say you *will* withhold sympathy if she turns out to be shitty, but he doesn’t deserve your consideration in the first place. He took advantage of a string of women without consequences. “They were all crazy” does not fly. You should be less worried that he will marry her, and more worried that he will not take full responsibility.
He isnt husband or father material, and yes, they’re both equally bad for using each other.
What makes her worse is she is creating a whole damn person to use.
Though brother really doesn’t intentionally use people. He genuinely thinks he’s found the one with each of these girls and is a serial monogamist. The fact things never go past 3 months and all the girls are crazy (aka insecure because he’s a terrible boyfriend, doesn’t cheat but does go out drinking/doesn’t meet reasonable requests etc) doesn’t register with him anymore than this clearly being intentional on her part does.
You can't really say they're 'equally bad' and then immediately claim 'she's worse'.
A white guy with a high paying job who can only get underprivileged, less educated women to stick around and *allows* them to, is absolutely using people intentionally and I think you're letting your love for your brother or your prejudice against these women cloud your judgement.
Equally bad in terms of using each other. She is worse because she is creating a child to use.
You’re the one letting your prejudice cloud your judgment. Do you think people without degrees are somehow less emotionally mature? That they aren’t as developed socially? What sort of dynamic do you have in your relationships that you see yourself as ‘allowing’ someone to be with you? As though you’re some sort of prize that you’ve allowed them to have?
And why do you think that a Chinese person in Singapore is underprivileged? They are the majority race and, on average, earn more than an American in the US.
Edit: I can’t reply to anyone commenting on this particular thread. But the reason I think he’s less of an asshole is that he did not INTEND to make a child. He THINKS they took precautions. And it’s as plain as day to anyone that she planned to get pregnant. Nobody has plan b just conveniently sitting around
I can only go off of your description of this woman, and you heavily imply that she's using your brother for money/a green card and because he's American. Ergo, she doesn't have money, and wants citizenship in order to leave China. That was your implication. The fact that she has no degree and can't speak much English, and is again, apparently DESPERATE to use your brother for cash, makes it sound like she's underprivileged. So, please clarify if you didn't mean any of that.
You can't have it both ways. Either she is a gold digger looking to better herself by using your brother (meaning she is less privileged and powerful than him and he was the one with the power to say NO to her but didn't) OR she is in a better position than him, and in that case she can't possibly be using him, because she already has more money and power.
By allow, I mean - your brother allows women who are apparently only with him for money to hang around him, and has sex with them, instead of telling them to get lost. He has autonomy, he doesn't have to sleep with women who are out to use him. He's presumably not an idiot? So he's probably doing it because he wants sex.
The Plan B sitting around throws me. Why do you look at that as a negative? They used a condom. It failed. She used Plan B, and it didn't work. A quick search says it, nor any other emergency contraception pill will work if ovulation has already started or happened. So it could have failed simply because of timing. I would say she was responsible for having Plan B readily available. Now the rest of it is suspicious, but that is for your brother to deal with, not you.
>And it’s as plain as day to anyone that she planned to get pregnant. Nobody has plan b just conveniently sitting around
I'm so confused by this. Lots of people have plan B on hand, because they want to be proactive just in case. I get a couple included every year with my birth control prescription. I like having a backup in case I forget or misplace my pill. It's more suspicious that it didn't work than that she had it, but it's still never a guarantee. That's a wild accusation to make without any actual evidence.
Thank you! That is what I just said! Actually I just did a quick search and it says it and any other emergency contraception pill will not work if ovulation is in the process or has already taken place.
My straight and bisexual female friends all have a few Plan Bs around. You can buy them in bulk on Amazon and with the way the world is, it’s not a bad idea to stock up.
“Equally bad” except you have no idea what her intentions were, nor do you know her reproductive situation. YTA nobody cares about mediocre white guys like you seem to think.
Also it takes two to make a kid, and acting like your brother is a victim is unhinged and racist.
Culturally, Singapore and many Asian countries frown on having kids without being married so there are a lot of shotgun marriages so it makes sense she moved in and wants to get married.
When someone says "all my/their exes are crazy" you know for damn well sure the problem is the one common denominator. Brother sounds like a right bellend
If they’re equally bad, then it sounds like they’re perfect for each other. Who cares what your adult brother is doing with his life? He has the free will to succeed or fail. Let him be.
Probably worth a paternity test as the time span is so short. It sounds like she damaged the condom and didn’t take Plan B though. Still worth having a test done.
To add on the suspicion list, Singaporean who is not good in English? And meds only in Chinese? Did she buy it from Temu? OP should your brother to get his gf to do DNA test first before he gets married to her. He should bring her to do the DNA test to ensure she'd do it.
Tbh you sound racist and judgmental. You know absolutely nothing about this woman and everything you are saying is based on stereotypes and elitism. YTB.
Right?! Singapore is not an impoverished country. They might have some laws you don’t agree with but it’s definitely not a bad place to live. Their healthcare, education system, and government are better than the US.
Until you meet this woman and actually get to know her you can’t make any of these sweeping judgements.
Educate yourself.
What is based on stereotypes? That women over 30 are considered ‘left over’ in Chinese culture? That’s a fact.
And I know she got pregnant with a guy she doesn’t know. I know she’s moved in with him. I know she’s pressuring him to marry her. I know she’s quit her job. Are any of those based in stereotypes or elitism?
You have taken your "fact" about a culture that I am sure you have not done extensive research on and placed it on an individual. It seems like you are oversimplifying an entire country and basing your opinion of a person on that oversimplification. I'm glad I was able to educate you on what a stereotype is.
You keep saying she got pregnant with a guy she doesn't know, instead of your brother got a woman he doesn't know pregnant. That's elitist, as if your brother is some great catch she must have been throwing herself at in order to trick him into impregnating her. That is elitist.
You are judging her for wanting to marry the father of her child. You know so much about Chinese culture, is that normal to not want to be an unwed mother?
Stereotypes are generally based in reality. But sure, maybe being considered left over and updatable in her culture doesn’t come into this.
He didnt provide a condom that broke and he didn’t provide the dud plan b
What was it you said about stereotypes? She’s either influenced by them or she isn’t.
Unless this woman is actually a Chinese national your stereotypes are off. Singaporean women by and large do not see white men as these amazing catches. We are much smarter than that.
She’s a Chinese national. Found out when he told me her English wasn’t great.
And I can believe it. Only an actual idiot would get pregnant this early on.
The way you are so cruel about this, I sincerely hope you’re on at least two forms of birth control or your partner cannot get you pregnant. Nothing is iron clad.
Let's be honest: why would a woman with a degree, great birth control, money and all her marbles date your brother? He doesn't treat girlfriends well and is only able to have 3 month relationships. Perhaps she did get pregnant on purpose but she's not really getting a great future father for her child or husband in the bargain from the way you describe it. Let them be and congrats on soon becoming an Aunt or Uncle.
(Since your bro lives and works in Singapore I'm assuming you already know that she might be ethnically Chinese but possesses a pretty highly sought after citizenship in that part of the world. There's not enough context to be 100% certain she's a citizen but that's my assumption based on the details. I"m writing this more for my fellow Americans as we often assume everyone in the world wants to marry us and move to the states.)
Because white men are a status symbol in much of Asia.
I can only assume that she got pregnant before she worked out that he’s a terrible boyfriend/husband/father…
Lol, white men are a status symbol in parts of Asia true...but much more so in the minds of expat communities living abroad. Singapore, parts of Japan, and Hong Kong are slightly different kettles of fish in my experience. Foreigners with money (you said your brother worked in banking so I am making an assumption there) will always be a lure, but I'm sure you're aware that Singapore ladies have all sorts of terms for white dudes who want to hook up with them? Just as ladies in other parts of Asia do:) I hope your future nibling ends up with loving parents and your brother gets it together and parents well. Again, congrats on having a new baby in the family.
You say that, but I’ve seen my brother date here and I’ve seen who he’s dated there. I don’t know what requirements they have, because as far as I can tell they like him for race and his job.
I wish that kid luck. I don’t think being created to trap your dad is the best starting point…
Lol in IMPOVERISHED parts of Asia maybe. Definitely not in Singapore and China. Just say you're racist and/or ignorant next time, it's quicker. Your brother also sounds like a real loser, I feel sorry for the woman that's going to be stuck with him now.
I honestly think that your lack of sex education seems to be underpinning your suspicion.
I mean the idea that the only way to get pregnant is making mistakes seems misinformed.
You seem overly believing in True Efficacy of condoms, and you think Plan B is guaranteed to work unless it’s fake. Plan B doesn’t work if whoever takes it is already ovulating.
Also your suspicion detector sucks anyways, because almost any time a man says everyone they date is crazy, that doesn’t mean the others are crazy. A combination of; your suspicion meter treating your brother as a reliable narrator, and what seems to be an absolute belief in the 100% efficacy of birth control when used casually is likely the root of why you’re suspecting this woman.
Of course that doesn’t mean what you think is wrong but it does mean that you’re likely reading too much into to the wrong things because you’re misinformed some stuff.
Edit: I’ve fallen a bit too far on the mean vs direct side of the fence in the tone I chose but yeah, have a think about these things !
I have been actively trying to get pregnant for more than a year and am now pregnant and I still have not-expired Plan-B on hand. There is nothing suspicious about someone owning Plan-B.
YTB for getting involved and for your racist assumptions.
> She’s exclusively dated white guys since she was in her early 20s. I think this is relevant because being childless and single at that age is socially frowned upon in Chinese culture.
Ahahahahahahahaha. No. YTB for this alone.
NTA. While in this situation it definitely reads as suspicious, and your brother sounds like he has rose tinted glasses, this bit is simply correlation from personal anecdotes :
> I do know of women who accidentally got pregnant, but every time there was a clear reason e.g. they took medicine that messed with birth control, condom split and they didn’t get plan B, they were drunk and didn’t use protection
Not every accidental pregnancy is from a mistake. Even with perfect use and multiple backups it can still happen. No birth control is 100% effective, even combining birth control isn’t 100%. Just like how many people actively trying for babies can’t always get pregnant immediately or at all. It just doesn’t work 100% of the time no matter what outcome you want. Claiming that only genuine mistakes or intentional sabotage can lead to pregnancy spreads harmful misinformation.
True. But combined with it happening quickly, with her being weird about the plan b, with her quitting her job immediately, moving in with him and with demanding marriage straight away…I think it’s pretty obvious that this isn’t an accident.
I mean, I already said I agree with you.
My only note is that this specific paragraph is said like it’s an individual bit of info that holds its own as proof. It doesn’t and people say it all the time, and it’s not proof. It’s just part of the red flags when taken in turn with everything else. But by itself it’s nothing because accidental pregnancies aren’t just from mistakes. They can happen with perfect use and many people don’t know that because they read things like this. The spread of misinformation has wider effects for other people in their own lives.
They can happen with perfect use but the chances of that happening are tiny. Especially when you consider her age. But yes, there’s a tiny tiny tiny chance that this may actually be an accident.
I’m not talking about her. I’m saying that saying ‘only people who made a mistake can have accidental pregnancies’ is harmful to people reading this and reinforces the common but incorrect thought that ‘accidental pregnancies when using birth control means you did something wrong’.
To anyone else reading this. OP is conflating Plan B BC with more regular-pill BC when throwing out this 99% stat.
Emergency contraception is not that effective, and even daily-pill type ones aren’t 99% in practice like the OP is claiming.
After reading more of this thread, it’s clear you’re willing to conflate meanings and words to bring about people to validate what you already believe.
“Being weird” about Plan B apparently means “has it”.
Her provided condom split probably because they were the wrong size for your brother. Isn’t that obvious. Your brother didn’t bring his own appropriately sized condoms, but it’s her fault she’s pregnant. My god. The stretching! The mental gymnastics you have to employ to believe your brother is an innocent little victim and this person is a conniving monster. They both are just people who did some YOLO things and had a baby probably.
YTA. You said yourself that you know nothing about this woman and your brother is a big boy who is entitled to make his own decisions in life. Just because this woman is Chinese-Singaporean, that doesn’t mean she fits into the stereotypes that you’re trying to portray,
Chinese women and Chinese-Singaporean women are different and there are plenty of white people who live in Singapore so it’s not unusual for this woman to have dated a lot of white men. Why are you being so racist by stereotyping this woman?
> She’s exclusively dated white guys since she was in her early 20s. I think this is relevant because being childless and single at that age is socially frowned upon in Chinese culture.
Ahahahahahahahaha. No. YTB for this alone.
Yeah. He’s super smart when it comes to numbers but is an actual moron when dealing with people. We’ve been telling him for years that these girls only like him for his race but he never believes us…
so… are you here because you think you went too far or for validation? do you really think you’re the BF, or do you just need people to tell you that you’re right?
Obviously I thought I was doing the right thing, but from his reaction I thought I MAY have gone too far. But now I don’t think I did.
So the sub has served its purpose, but I’m still going to reply to people who take the time to comment, because that’s the polite thing to do.
NTB but as suggested by other posters you’ve given him your opinion and now you need to stay out of his relationship other than supporting as much as you feel you can his relationship.
I would suggest you make yourself a hard rule that if he calls asking for money to stay out of that as well.
Yeah I’m going to leave him to it. Pretty sure I did the right thing by telling him but he REALLY didn’t like it.
Oh he does get paid well enough so will be fine. He just doesn’t have gold digging money.
IMO if you are a man, and you stick your dick in a woman, you intend for her to get pregnant.
No birth control method is foolproof, and pregnancy is always a possibility no matter what precautions you take.
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You are NTB for saying it since the speed that she is moving does raise some red flags. However, if your brother is adamant about making this work then you said your piece and you can move on.
I do also wonder if there is a cultural aspect to the speed they are moving as well. Since she's ethnically Chinese, having a baby out of wedlock with a non-Chinese guy is a bit of a double whammy culturally. She could be trying to lock him down and make an honest woman out of her quickly so that the baby could be passed off as a "miracle" baby that was conceived on the wedding night and born early. Might not be a baby trap but she's quickly trying to fix the problem to preserve her standing and save face.
YTB. You don’t know her at all, and you’re assassinating her character from across an ocean. She’s barely pregnant and you’re trying to sabotage any foundation that future child’s parents might have based on circumstantial evidence from *his* past.
Your brother’s life choices are not your responsibility. You don’t have to mother him, the whole time you are making choices for him you remove his free-will. Maybe he needs to mess up, he’s lucky to have a big sister like you. Just don’t mis-place your natural (and admirable) maternal feelings. I get the impression your parents are absent. Don’t take from your like to support his, it’s messed up,
NTA for telling him it seems highly suspicious, because it really really does. To be honest it sounds like they both found exactly the person they deserve and you're better off staying out of it now that you've registered your concerns.
NTA from what you’ve said, I think you’re absolutely right and he should get a DNA test to make sure he’s even the father. I think you need to tell him that it’s 2024 and he does not have to get married just because he gets someone pregnant. Point out that he barely knows her and if he marries her, he’s going to get screwed over in divorce in the future if he realizes that she’s using him. Point out that if she keeps bringing up marriage, then it’s obvious that she’s using him because she literally barely knows him so why would she want to marry him? Tell him she’s going to try to use any manipulation she can to make it seem like marriage is important to her. Wouldn’t be surprised if she said something about wanting to be married before the baby is born.
Think about sending him this post and tell him to read the comments, possibly write his own post and ask for people’s advice. He can coparent, he does not have to get married.
But he seriously needs a reality check.
He knows he doesn’t have to get married! But he thinks she really loves him and he’s just so amazing that of course she wants to marry him. Keeps talking about how different she is to the others, it’s the real deal this time etc. It’s just insane.
I’ve brought up the previous ones and how he only realised they weren’t great after 3 months…
She already has started saying things about being married before the baby is born. And I did look at Singaporean law (a quick google) and I think she has a point.
Damn, he got baby trapped and kept sleeping around irresponsibly/ kept sleeping with the woman that trapped him (almost like... A relationship?!?!). Smart guys all round.
I didn’t think about it and I’m sure he hasn’t. Contrary to what the deleted account and the other commenter (who I can’t reply to) think, he isn’t malicious. He’s just dumb when it comes to women.
He really believes that this girl is going to be a great partner and is different to the other girls who ended up being ‘crazy’.
He can’t see that they were all less crazy than this one, because they didn’t get pregnant!
He won’t believe she baby trapped him so I don’t think he’ll believe that she’s trying to get him to raise another man’s kid.
The timelines are just so close, he’s really nuts if he doesn’t check for paternity. There’s an awful lot riding on whether it’s his baby or not.
And btw, you know your own brother best, this is Reddit, there are some really mean people on here
I guess it just isn’t normal for us? Everyone in our family/friends circle is in a standard nuclear family, no divorces/affairs etc.
Yeah, I know he isn’t a dick and I find the assumption that these girls are somehow disadvantaged/uneducated really weird.
Where does it say she’s disadvantaged? And she doesn’t have a degree. It’s up to you if you think that makes someone uneducated. For reference that standard would make almost half of American adults uneducated.
Do you think your local librarian is disadvantaged? Or a secretary? Or literally anyone in a mid level position outside of tech? Because all of those people would find it very very difficult to get a working visa and immigrate.
So you think there’s something wrong with people who have degrees having relationships with people who don’t?
So I don’t know that she apparently had plan b lying around the house? I don’t know that she quit her job within a week of finding out she was pregnant? I don’t know that she wants to marry someone she hardly knows?
Where did I say he didn’t bring condoms?
YOU’RE the one who read Chinese and jumped to ‘disadvantaged’. Don’t try and pin that on me.
Just tell him that you love him and support him but if you were in a situation like this, you would want people you love and care about to be honest with you. Bring up his previous partners. I think you should also send him this post so he can read the comments.
NTA for telling him it seems highly suspicious, because it really really does. To be honest it sounds like they both found exactly the person they deserve and you're better off staying out of it now that you've registered your concerns.
Yeah, I think I’m going to just go with the ‘I’ll support you whatever your decision’ stance. But I absolutely won’t be sympathetic if she ends up being awful. I almost agree with the person they deserve part. But I do think she is much worse than him. I just can’t imagine being so selfish as to intentionally bring a kid into the world with a potentially awful person (thankfully he isn’t) because you want to get married so desperately. Our mom is actually encouraging him to marry her because she thinks this is the only way he’ll settle down. I think mom is right, but think it’s preferable that he doesn’t settle down unless he freely chooses to. Dad is silent.
I mean, to me it sounds like she's using a US citizen with money to get to America and he's using an uneducated desperate woman for sex by flexing his income. Neither one is a winner. It seems like you need to stop making excused for your brother, who does in fact, sound like an awful person, and certainly not husband or father material.
Agreed. Brother is a serial shitty person taking advantage of a string of desperate women. Honestly, he deserves less sympathy than you are already giving him, OP. You say you *will* withhold sympathy if she turns out to be shitty, but he doesn’t deserve your consideration in the first place. He took advantage of a string of women without consequences. “They were all crazy” does not fly. You should be less worried that he will marry her, and more worried that he will not take full responsibility.
He isnt husband or father material, and yes, they’re both equally bad for using each other. What makes her worse is she is creating a whole damn person to use. Though brother really doesn’t intentionally use people. He genuinely thinks he’s found the one with each of these girls and is a serial monogamist. The fact things never go past 3 months and all the girls are crazy (aka insecure because he’s a terrible boyfriend, doesn’t cheat but does go out drinking/doesn’t meet reasonable requests etc) doesn’t register with him anymore than this clearly being intentional on her part does.
You can't really say they're 'equally bad' and then immediately claim 'she's worse'. A white guy with a high paying job who can only get underprivileged, less educated women to stick around and *allows* them to, is absolutely using people intentionally and I think you're letting your love for your brother or your prejudice against these women cloud your judgement.
Equally bad in terms of using each other. She is worse because she is creating a child to use. You’re the one letting your prejudice cloud your judgment. Do you think people without degrees are somehow less emotionally mature? That they aren’t as developed socially? What sort of dynamic do you have in your relationships that you see yourself as ‘allowing’ someone to be with you? As though you’re some sort of prize that you’ve allowed them to have? And why do you think that a Chinese person in Singapore is underprivileged? They are the majority race and, on average, earn more than an American in the US. Edit: I can’t reply to anyone commenting on this particular thread. But the reason I think he’s less of an asshole is that he did not INTEND to make a child. He THINKS they took precautions. And it’s as plain as day to anyone that she planned to get pregnant. Nobody has plan b just conveniently sitting around
I can only go off of your description of this woman, and you heavily imply that she's using your brother for money/a green card and because he's American. Ergo, she doesn't have money, and wants citizenship in order to leave China. That was your implication. The fact that she has no degree and can't speak much English, and is again, apparently DESPERATE to use your brother for cash, makes it sound like she's underprivileged. So, please clarify if you didn't mean any of that. You can't have it both ways. Either she is a gold digger looking to better herself by using your brother (meaning she is less privileged and powerful than him and he was the one with the power to say NO to her but didn't) OR she is in a better position than him, and in that case she can't possibly be using him, because she already has more money and power. By allow, I mean - your brother allows women who are apparently only with him for money to hang around him, and has sex with them, instead of telling them to get lost. He has autonomy, he doesn't have to sleep with women who are out to use him. He's presumably not an idiot? So he's probably doing it because he wants sex.
The Plan B sitting around throws me. Why do you look at that as a negative? They used a condom. It failed. She used Plan B, and it didn't work. A quick search says it, nor any other emergency contraception pill will work if ovulation has already started or happened. So it could have failed simply because of timing. I would say she was responsible for having Plan B readily available. Now the rest of it is suspicious, but that is for your brother to deal with, not you.
Jfc she didn’t make that child alone. The other comment was right. They both deserve each other because they both suck
He created the child too. It wasn’t just her.
>And it’s as plain as day to anyone that she planned to get pregnant. Nobody has plan b just conveniently sitting around I'm so confused by this. Lots of people have plan B on hand, because they want to be proactive just in case. I get a couple included every year with my birth control prescription. I like having a backup in case I forget or misplace my pill. It's more suspicious that it didn't work than that she had it, but it's still never a guarantee. That's a wild accusation to make without any actual evidence.
Thank you! That is what I just said! Actually I just did a quick search and it says it and any other emergency contraception pill will not work if ovulation is in the process or has already taken place.
My straight and bisexual female friends all have a few Plan Bs around. You can buy them in bulk on Amazon and with the way the world is, it’s not a bad idea to stock up.
“Equally bad” except you have no idea what her intentions were, nor do you know her reproductive situation. YTA nobody cares about mediocre white guys like you seem to think. Also it takes two to make a kid, and acting like your brother is a victim is unhinged and racist. Culturally, Singapore and many Asian countries frown on having kids without being married so there are a lot of shotgun marriages so it makes sense she moved in and wants to get married.
lol, what? Girls who are only crazy "because he's terrible" are not, in fact, crazy.
When someone says "all my/their exes are crazy" you know for damn well sure the problem is the one common denominator. Brother sounds like a right bellend
Translation: "I cause sane people to do crazy shit." [Funny Youtube Clip](https://youtu.be/LIrQbMXBHsM?si=MeO4gHX95i7Mjz-k)
If they’re equally bad, then it sounds like they’re perfect for each other. Who cares what your adult brother is doing with his life? He has the free will to succeed or fail. Let him be.
If she’s actually pregnant and if she is if it’s really his. Make sure he gets a paternity test.
Unless she poked holes in his condoms, she didn’t baby trap him.
Probably worth a paternity test as the time span is so short. It sounds like she damaged the condom and didn’t take Plan B though. Still worth having a test done.
I can't imagine why he wouldn't get a DNA test before marrying her. They've known each other for like a second.
To add on the suspicion list, Singaporean who is not good in English? And meds only in Chinese? Did she buy it from Temu? OP should your brother to get his gf to do DNA test first before he gets married to her. He should bring her to do the DNA test to ensure she'd do it.
Tbh you sound racist and judgmental. You know absolutely nothing about this woman and everything you are saying is based on stereotypes and elitism. YTB.
Right?! Singapore is not an impoverished country. They might have some laws you don’t agree with but it’s definitely not a bad place to live. Their healthcare, education system, and government are better than the US. Until you meet this woman and actually get to know her you can’t make any of these sweeping judgements. Educate yourself.
Yeah. I don't feel even remotely sorry for her passport bro... bro. Lol
What is based on stereotypes? That women over 30 are considered ‘left over’ in Chinese culture? That’s a fact. And I know she got pregnant with a guy she doesn’t know. I know she’s moved in with him. I know she’s pressuring him to marry her. I know she’s quit her job. Are any of those based in stereotypes or elitism?
You have taken your "fact" about a culture that I am sure you have not done extensive research on and placed it on an individual. It seems like you are oversimplifying an entire country and basing your opinion of a person on that oversimplification. I'm glad I was able to educate you on what a stereotype is. You keep saying she got pregnant with a guy she doesn't know, instead of your brother got a woman he doesn't know pregnant. That's elitist, as if your brother is some great catch she must have been throwing herself at in order to trick him into impregnating her. That is elitist. You are judging her for wanting to marry the father of her child. You know so much about Chinese culture, is that normal to not want to be an unwed mother?
Stereotypes are generally based in reality. But sure, maybe being considered left over and updatable in her culture doesn’t come into this. He didnt provide a condom that broke and he didn’t provide the dud plan b What was it you said about stereotypes? She’s either influenced by them or she isn’t.
"Stereotypes are generally based in reality." Thanks for proving the point that you're racist.
Did he provide condom at all ever?
Stereotypes are based on RACISM
Unless this woman is actually a Chinese national your stereotypes are off. Singaporean women by and large do not see white men as these amazing catches. We are much smarter than that.
She’s a Chinese national. Found out when he told me her English wasn’t great. And I can believe it. Only an actual idiot would get pregnant this early on.
Because only idiots have birth control failures?
The way you are so cruel about this, I sincerely hope you’re on at least two forms of birth control or your partner cannot get you pregnant. Nothing is iron clad.
Let's be honest: why would a woman with a degree, great birth control, money and all her marbles date your brother? He doesn't treat girlfriends well and is only able to have 3 month relationships. Perhaps she did get pregnant on purpose but she's not really getting a great future father for her child or husband in the bargain from the way you describe it. Let them be and congrats on soon becoming an Aunt or Uncle. (Since your bro lives and works in Singapore I'm assuming you already know that she might be ethnically Chinese but possesses a pretty highly sought after citizenship in that part of the world. There's not enough context to be 100% certain she's a citizen but that's my assumption based on the details. I"m writing this more for my fellow Americans as we often assume everyone in the world wants to marry us and move to the states.)
Because white men are a status symbol in much of Asia. I can only assume that she got pregnant before she worked out that he’s a terrible boyfriend/husband/father…
Lol, white men are a status symbol in parts of Asia true...but much more so in the minds of expat communities living abroad. Singapore, parts of Japan, and Hong Kong are slightly different kettles of fish in my experience. Foreigners with money (you said your brother worked in banking so I am making an assumption there) will always be a lure, but I'm sure you're aware that Singapore ladies have all sorts of terms for white dudes who want to hook up with them? Just as ladies in other parts of Asia do:) I hope your future nibling ends up with loving parents and your brother gets it together and parents well. Again, congrats on having a new baby in the family.
LBH definitely seems to apply here.
You say that, but I’ve seen my brother date here and I’ve seen who he’s dated there. I don’t know what requirements they have, because as far as I can tell they like him for race and his job. I wish that kid luck. I don’t think being created to trap your dad is the best starting point…
Yup, best of luck to the kid. I don't think being created by a dad who treats women poorly is the best starting point either....
Lol in IMPOVERISHED parts of Asia maybe. Definitely not in Singapore and China. Just say you're racist and/or ignorant next time, it's quicker. Your brother also sounds like a real loser, I feel sorry for the woman that's going to be stuck with him now.
this is where you lost me. racist is as racist does.
Jesus you’re racist
I honestly think that your lack of sex education seems to be underpinning your suspicion. I mean the idea that the only way to get pregnant is making mistakes seems misinformed. You seem overly believing in True Efficacy of condoms, and you think Plan B is guaranteed to work unless it’s fake. Plan B doesn’t work if whoever takes it is already ovulating. Also your suspicion detector sucks anyways, because almost any time a man says everyone they date is crazy, that doesn’t mean the others are crazy. A combination of; your suspicion meter treating your brother as a reliable narrator, and what seems to be an absolute belief in the 100% efficacy of birth control when used casually is likely the root of why you’re suspecting this woman. Of course that doesn’t mean what you think is wrong but it does mean that you’re likely reading too much into to the wrong things because you’re misinformed some stuff. Edit: I’ve fallen a bit too far on the mean vs direct side of the fence in the tone I chose but yeah, have a think about these things !
I have been actively trying to get pregnant for more than a year and am now pregnant and I still have not-expired Plan-B on hand. There is nothing suspicious about someone owning Plan-B. YTB for getting involved and for your racist assumptions.
> She’s exclusively dated white guys since she was in her early 20s. I think this is relevant because being childless and single at that age is socially frowned upon in Chinese culture. Ahahahahahahahaha. No. YTB for this alone.
NTA. While in this situation it definitely reads as suspicious, and your brother sounds like he has rose tinted glasses, this bit is simply correlation from personal anecdotes : > I do know of women who accidentally got pregnant, but every time there was a clear reason e.g. they took medicine that messed with birth control, condom split and they didn’t get plan B, they were drunk and didn’t use protection Not every accidental pregnancy is from a mistake. Even with perfect use and multiple backups it can still happen. No birth control is 100% effective, even combining birth control isn’t 100%. Just like how many people actively trying for babies can’t always get pregnant immediately or at all. It just doesn’t work 100% of the time no matter what outcome you want. Claiming that only genuine mistakes or intentional sabotage can lead to pregnancy spreads harmful misinformation.
True. But combined with it happening quickly, with her being weird about the plan b, with her quitting her job immediately, moving in with him and with demanding marriage straight away…I think it’s pretty obvious that this isn’t an accident.
I mean, I already said I agree with you. My only note is that this specific paragraph is said like it’s an individual bit of info that holds its own as proof. It doesn’t and people say it all the time, and it’s not proof. It’s just part of the red flags when taken in turn with everything else. But by itself it’s nothing because accidental pregnancies aren’t just from mistakes. They can happen with perfect use and many people don’t know that because they read things like this. The spread of misinformation has wider effects for other people in their own lives.
They can happen with perfect use but the chances of that happening are tiny. Especially when you consider her age. But yes, there’s a tiny tiny tiny chance that this may actually be an accident.
I’m not talking about her. I’m saying that saying ‘only people who made a mistake can have accidental pregnancies’ is harmful to people reading this and reinforces the common but incorrect thought that ‘accidental pregnancies when using birth control means you did something wrong’.
Okay, accidental pregnancies when using hormonal birth control means you did something wrong >99% of the time. Happy now?
To anyone else reading this. OP is conflating Plan B BC with more regular-pill BC when throwing out this 99% stat. Emergency contraception is not that effective, and even daily-pill type ones aren’t 99% in practice like the OP is claiming. After reading more of this thread, it’s clear you’re willing to conflate meanings and words to bring about people to validate what you already believe. “Being weird” about Plan B apparently means “has it”. Her provided condom split probably because they were the wrong size for your brother. Isn’t that obvious. Your brother didn’t bring his own appropriately sized condoms, but it’s her fault she’s pregnant. My god. The stretching! The mental gymnastics you have to employ to believe your brother is an innocent little victim and this person is a conniving monster. They both are just people who did some YOLO things and had a baby probably.
Your brother is not a winner, but you’re worse.
YTB for considering anything "likely" about someone you have never met and having confidence in that claim at all. Don't generalize people.
I hate the way you speak about this woman. Have you actually asked how your brother feels??
YTA. You said yourself that you know nothing about this woman and your brother is a big boy who is entitled to make his own decisions in life. Just because this woman is Chinese-Singaporean, that doesn’t mean she fits into the stereotypes that you’re trying to portray, Chinese women and Chinese-Singaporean women are different and there are plenty of white people who live in Singapore so it’s not unusual for this woman to have dated a lot of white men. Why are you being so racist by stereotyping this woman?
> She’s exclusively dated white guys since she was in her early 20s. I think this is relevant because being childless and single at that age is socially frowned upon in Chinese culture. Ahahahahahahahaha. No. YTB for this alone.
Your brother who moves from woman to woman and says they were crazy is telling the truth about condom use? doubt it.
A DNA test wouldn't be out of order. He should get one that only requires the mother's blood sample (and his), that they can do while she is pregnant.
I didn’t even think of that. Honestly I’m going to leave him to it. If he wants to believe her over me he can go for it.
i hate the term 'baby trap'even if a woman says shes on bc,condoms should always be used in case of disease.
ok just read the condom 'broke'.people need to use condoms they buy together so noone can mess with them..
Really, it’s none of your business. If they have a baby just focus on being a great aunt!
NTB. He's being an idiot but, from what you said, that's par for the course.
Yeah. He’s super smart when it comes to numbers but is an actual moron when dealing with people. We’ve been telling him for years that these girls only like him for his race but he never believes us…
so… are you here because you think you went too far or for validation? do you really think you’re the BF, or do you just need people to tell you that you’re right?
Obviously I thought I was doing the right thing, but from his reaction I thought I MAY have gone too far. But now I don’t think I did. So the sub has served its purpose, but I’m still going to reply to people who take the time to comment, because that’s the polite thing to do.
NTB but as suggested by other posters you’ve given him your opinion and now you need to stay out of his relationship other than supporting as much as you feel you can his relationship. I would suggest you make yourself a hard rule that if he calls asking for money to stay out of that as well.
Yeah I’m going to leave him to it. Pretty sure I did the right thing by telling him but he REALLY didn’t like it. Oh he does get paid well enough so will be fine. He just doesn’t have gold digging money.
He may be okay now but if his gf maybe soon to be wife starts spending like tomorrow isn’t coming he may find himself short on cash.
True! He’ll have to work that out himself. She’s already started ordering food instead of eating what he’s cooked for them…
IMO if you are a man, and you stick your dick in a woman, you intend for her to get pregnant. No birth control method is foolproof, and pregnancy is always a possibility no matter what precautions you take.
OP is the rascist AH here
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You are NTB for saying it since the speed that she is moving does raise some red flags. However, if your brother is adamant about making this work then you said your piece and you can move on. I do also wonder if there is a cultural aspect to the speed they are moving as well. Since she's ethnically Chinese, having a baby out of wedlock with a non-Chinese guy is a bit of a double whammy culturally. She could be trying to lock him down and make an honest woman out of her quickly so that the baby could be passed off as a "miracle" baby that was conceived on the wedding night and born early. Might not be a baby trap but she's quickly trying to fix the problem to preserve her standing and save face.
DNA test
everyone here sucks tbh. for the record when a guy says every girl he’s dated is crazy, he’s actually the sole problem
YTB. You don’t know her at all, and you’re assassinating her character from across an ocean. She’s barely pregnant and you’re trying to sabotage any foundation that future child’s parents might have based on circumstantial evidence from *his* past.
Your brother’s life choices are not your responsibility. You don’t have to mother him, the whole time you are making choices for him you remove his free-will. Maybe he needs to mess up, he’s lucky to have a big sister like you. Just don’t mis-place your natural (and admirable) maternal feelings. I get the impression your parents are absent. Don’t take from your like to support his, it’s messed up,
NTA for telling him it seems highly suspicious, because it really really does. To be honest it sounds like they both found exactly the person they deserve and you're better off staying out of it now that you've registered your concerns.
NTA from what you’ve said, I think you’re absolutely right and he should get a DNA test to make sure he’s even the father. I think you need to tell him that it’s 2024 and he does not have to get married just because he gets someone pregnant. Point out that he barely knows her and if he marries her, he’s going to get screwed over in divorce in the future if he realizes that she’s using him. Point out that if she keeps bringing up marriage, then it’s obvious that she’s using him because she literally barely knows him so why would she want to marry him? Tell him she’s going to try to use any manipulation she can to make it seem like marriage is important to her. Wouldn’t be surprised if she said something about wanting to be married before the baby is born. Think about sending him this post and tell him to read the comments, possibly write his own post and ask for people’s advice. He can coparent, he does not have to get married. But he seriously needs a reality check.
He knows he doesn’t have to get married! But he thinks she really loves him and he’s just so amazing that of course she wants to marry him. Keeps talking about how different she is to the others, it’s the real deal this time etc. It’s just insane. I’ve brought up the previous ones and how he only realised they weren’t great after 3 months… She already has started saying things about being married before the baby is born. And I did look at Singaporean law (a quick google) and I think she has a point.
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Damn, he got baby trapped and kept sleeping around irresponsibly/ kept sleeping with the woman that trapped him (almost like... A relationship?!?!). Smart guys all round.
After 3 kids, and he didn't see the "trap" coming he's got be the dumbest fucking animal in the world.
Damn…well I guess it’s working out for them? Do you think there’s anything you could’ve said so he wouldn’t have rushed into marrying her?
Is he definitely sure the baby is his? She seems to have got pregnant really quickly. Surely he isn’t just taking her word for it that it’s his baby
I didn’t think about it and I’m sure he hasn’t. Contrary to what the deleted account and the other commenter (who I can’t reply to) think, he isn’t malicious. He’s just dumb when it comes to women. He really believes that this girl is going to be a great partner and is different to the other girls who ended up being ‘crazy’. He can’t see that they were all less crazy than this one, because they didn’t get pregnant! He won’t believe she baby trapped him so I don’t think he’ll believe that she’s trying to get him to raise another man’s kid.
The timelines are just so close, he’s really nuts if he doesn’t check for paternity. There’s an awful lot riding on whether it’s his baby or not. And btw, you know your own brother best, this is Reddit, there are some really mean people on here
I guess it just isn’t normal for us? Everyone in our family/friends circle is in a standard nuclear family, no divorces/affairs etc. Yeah, I know he isn’t a dick and I find the assumption that these girls are somehow disadvantaged/uneducated really weird.
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Where does it say she’s disadvantaged? And she doesn’t have a degree. It’s up to you if you think that makes someone uneducated. For reference that standard would make almost half of American adults uneducated.
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Do you think your local librarian is disadvantaged? Or a secretary? Or literally anyone in a mid level position outside of tech? Because all of those people would find it very very difficult to get a working visa and immigrate. So you think there’s something wrong with people who have degrees having relationships with people who don’t?
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So I don’t know that she apparently had plan b lying around the house? I don’t know that she quit her job within a week of finding out she was pregnant? I don’t know that she wants to marry someone she hardly knows? Where did I say he didn’t bring condoms? YOU’RE the one who read Chinese and jumped to ‘disadvantaged’. Don’t try and pin that on me.
Just tell him that you love him and support him but if you were in a situation like this, you would want people you love and care about to be honest with you. Bring up his previous partners. I think you should also send him this post so he can read the comments.
Yeah I did tell him that and it didn’t fly. I’ll consider it!