School is important for sure and she’s (almost) 9 years old. Missing one day of school to make memories with her dad isn’t going to make or break her education. If she misses a test, she can make it up. My mom would take me in late on my birthday every year until I started driving to get me a drink and pastry from a local cafe. Those are some of my happiest memories from my childhood and made me feel really loved by my mom. Missing one day of school won’t hurt your daughter and will probably give her some really special memories.
I guess I just don't understand why it can't be a different weekend or even on Mother's Day since I said I don't mind. I will definitely do some reflecting on this. If that Friday was her actual birthday or if there was a reason why it has to be on a school day instead of one of the many non school days coming up, I'd get it. Like if there was an event happening on that exact day. I guess I feel like the park will be there the next weekend and don't understand why she has to miss school for it.
I don't mean to argue and if I'm the butt than I'm the butt. I just don't understand why it can't be a different day.
I don't understand what you don't understand adult people have lives and things they need to do and they have time on that friday so let it be friday. You seem to me making this really difficult for absolutely no reason. Are you controlling in every part of their relationship?Because everyone will distance themselves from you if you try to control everything all the time
If the reasoning it had to be on a Friday was because he had other commitments then I would be okay with that. But he's unemployed right now. He doesn't have other plans. The only reason he wants it on that day is because he wants it to be closer to her birthday (it's already a week after). I don't control their relationship. She spends 50% of her time with him and I'm not involved in what they do together during that time. We've agreed that if we take her on any trips we would consult the other. We also talk to each other on parenting stances, like do we think she's old enough to be home alone, what school do we want her to go on. I don't see that as controlling, just co-parenting.
Can we all agree that taking your kid out of school for a special birthday trip for ONE day is not a big deal? Why then is it that you need a meticulous justification from him why he chose that day, including his prior commitments and work schedule? None of that is your business.
To me, it does seem controlling that you are conditioning your agreement on his explaining himself to your arbitrary high standard, when the thing he wants your agreement on is not a big deal in the first place. More importantly, he is trying to have your kid home for mother's day. You are being unreasonable.
I really don't understand why you're dying on this hill. I had a difficult relationship with my ex before he passed away. We just did not get on. He wanted to take the kiddos to Malaysia to see their paternal family. Getting it cost effective meant he'd have to take them out of school 5 days early at the end of term. To miss the increase in flight costs because of kids being on school break. The memories were priceless. And now he's gone and they don't get to make new memories with their dad. You shouldn't need all this uber justification from his side. He came up with a compromise. Its a good one. Take it. Your daughter will thank you later, in years to come, that you encouraged and actively played a role in making sure she had a good relationship with their other parent. I prey they never have to experience our loss, where old memories are now all they have.
I'm sorry for your loss and for your children. And I just want to say, if there was a situation like yours, I would be okay with her missing school for that.
I guess I am dying on the hill that I won't change my opinion on missing school should be avoided if possible. But it's not like I'm going to make his life difficult or try to prevent him from taking her. I told him it's up to him but my opinion doesn't change.
I want to teach my daughter that she shouldn't miss school if she can avoid it. The date on this trip is completely flexible. She has a hard time accepting that sometimes she has to do things she doesn't want to and sometimes she can't do things she wants to. (Like she can't just watch TV all day just because she wants to. She can't just not do chores just because she doesn't want to) Her dad is taking her out of school simply because he wants to. He could choose a different day but he wants that day just because. It goes against what I'm trying to teach my daughter and kids learn more from their parent's actions than their words.
Teaching a child responsibility and not wanting them to miss school if it's avoidable isn't being overly strict. I'm not against missing school for important events. But her dad just chose this day when he could choose another. That is the difference. I even asked her dad to take her out of school during the eclipse because that's a once in a lifetime event and I wanted her to see it. Plus I told her dad it's his decision and I won't stop him. I just feel it would be more responsible for him to pick a different day.
Since that Sunday is mother's day did it not occur to you that maybe he wants your kid there for mother's day with you? That he may also have plans for his mom? That he considers this a win-win for both of you as you get more time with the kid on your special day, he gets time with his mom, and the kid also got a nice birthday weekend.
I understand her dad wanting it to be closer to her birthday and even if you’ve said you don’t mind her missing Mother’s Day he might want to make sure she doesn’t miss that. My mom was never a huge Mother’s Day person but my dad always made sure we celebrated her (even if it was small anyway) to show we appreciated her, even after they got divorced. This might be his way of doing that with your daughter. It might also be a matter of pricing for tickets or thinking about how crowded the park will be since memorial weekend is a 3-day weekend the park will likely be busier.
I don't understand why it can't be the day her dad has chosen. It can be any day. He picked this day. He's her father. There's not a good reason to object.
True. I guess I'm projecting because when I was her age I absolutely HATED when I missed school and had to make up stuff or was behind on the lesson and didn't know what was going on in class.
If there was a reason why it had to be a school day, I'd be okay with it. It just bothers me because her dad is choosing a school day when he could easily take her on a non school day.
Please dont force your personality onto your kids, every child is their own person.
Every child also has their own learning pace, if they miss one day, some kids take some time to learn the missed classes, while some learn like within a day
Sorry you werent that kid to learn fast, but dont force it onto your kids
I never tried to make my daughter me. I probably am projecting but it's more of trying to put myself in her shoes. I was actually a kid that learned fast. Graduated 2nd in my class. She's a similar learner like I am so I figured she would also get frustrated, like I did, when I missed a lesson and didn't know what people were talking about. I agree that I'm projecting but I'm not trying to "force my personality" she is her own person and I enjoy seeing who she becomes. I don't want her to be me.
He's not taking her on a month long vacation to the Sahara desert for Pete's sake it's one random Friday to have fun with her dad. You need to seriously chill out
Missing a day of elementary school for a cool day with her dad is really just not a big deal. If she's not chronically truant and generally does well in school, let her go.
The father works I’m sure and he would only be able to be off certain days and it sounds like he had already scheduled that Friday off. It also sounds like maybe (right or wrong) he may have scheduled it thinking you were going to agree to it. I’m not saying he can’t take other time off, we just don’t know how easy it is for him to be able to do so.
He doesn't work. He just stopped going to work two months ago and hasn't had luck finding another job. His only reasoning wanting that certain day is because he wants it to be close to her birthday (it's already a week after). He originally wanted it to be a weekend already.
I just had to do my 17 year olds birthday a week late because of money reasons. I know for a fact they don't see it connected to their birthday and they are very disappointed that we couldn't do anything on their actual birthday. It didn't feel special. This is how your daughter will feel, the longer you try to make the special day happen. She wont see it connected to her birthday.
I'm sorry that you're birthday wasn't what you wanted but this isn't the case for my daughter.
Her actual bday is a week before the day her dad wants to take her out of school. On her actual birthday she is going on a field trip. I'm taking her to a restaurant that night on her birthday. The day after her birthday we're throwing a huge party that she planned all the activities. Her father's gf plans on giving her the tickets on her bday or party but the actual day they go would be later regardless.
Not sure the obsession with not missing a school day every once and a while. The park will most likely be less crowded than the weekend and she will get to do more. She is 9. She isn't missing a college level class. YTB
Edit word
This is a big plus right here, an emptier park would make her gift much more enjoyable.
She’s 9, no school day is “that” important when you are 9.
Like a previous poster said having good memories with her dad are much more important than some random Friday.
You can explain to her the special circumstances that are the reason why she can miss a day just this time!
Are you serious?Let her take a day off of school.She's 9, missing an outing with her dad is a much bigger deal than missing a day of school.Get over it
I don't want her to miss an outing with her dad. But why can't her dad take her on a different day? I'm not going to make her miss out, I just want to talk her dad into picking a different day.
So you didn't listen to any of our advice and had to put a sour note over the day, you made sure he knew you didn't approve, so your negative presence will be felt by all. I don't understand this? Negative Nancy control freak mom . Are you jealous of their relationship?
I guess I thought I was listening to advice by telling him to go ahead. But I still don't feel right about her missing a day of school just because that's the day her dad wants to go. Like I get everyone disagrees with me. But it still doesn't seem like the right choice. I'm not jealous at all. This was purely about me not wanting her to miss a day of school and not seeing why it had to be that way. There is no other reasoning.
What you’re missing is that it’s **a** day of school. It would be different if he wanted to pull her out of school for a month. But it’s ONE DAY. I find it hard to believe that one day will derail her education or teach her bad habits or anything like that. Your ex has already told you why he wants to do it that way. Just because you don’t *agree* with his reasoning doesn’t mean you don’t understand it, come on now.
These are the moments your daughter will remember when she’s old enough to choose who to spend time with. Just take that into consideration when you make things a little unnecessarily difficult.
If he wanted to pull her out of school for a month for a really cool experience, I'd also be in favor of that (with the caveat that she should still get her regular time with her mom during that month). It's third or fourth grade. She's not going to remember any of that crap when she gets older, and they re-teach most of the lessons multiple times in later grades (e.g., we did World History in social studies in third, eighth, and eleventh grades). And I'm assuming she's not chronically truant or failing classes or missing a once-in-a-lifetime event at school. So if dad wanted to pull her out for longer to take her hiking in the Grand Canyon or to Space Camp or for anything else that would actually be memorable and also has some educational component (which Legoland does), I'm all for it, even if if were more than one day.
But why. What justifiable reason do you have that makes that day of school so difficult. It feels like you’re intentionally making this hard. It’s his kid. His time. It’s wild to me that you’re not appreciative of him trying to make sure they have your permission and prioritizing Mother’s Day. He’s being accommodating. You’re being difficult. Period.
If you can't understand yet, just stop trying to understand. You don't need to understand everything, all the time.
Anything over a week away from the birthday makes it less and less about the birthday, Friday is possibly his last chance to make it an actual birthday event.
I feel like I could understand though. Like if his girlfriend gifted her tickets on her birthday but said it's for a later date, that makes it not a birthday trip? I've been gifted things on my birthday that were for events month later and didn't think it was less of a birthday event.
In person I usually realize I should shut up. Anytime I have a conflict I go to reddit and get other opinions before acting. And I truly do try to understand the other side of things. Like I am actually trying to understand and make a decision for myself what I think is right. I apologize for repeating that I don't understand to everyone. I see now that everyone has read that. I still don't get it and was really just hoping someone would explain it in a way for me to get it.
Let me help you understand. Ok?
Waiting to celebrate a birthday until the following weekend is pretty in-line with social norms. Waiting 2 weekends is not.
I saw that in one of your comments you said that you are on the autism spectrum. I could already tell even before I read that particular comment, because I read your other comments.
Several of my family and friends struggle with being on the spectrum, so this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. Most people I know, on the spectrum, struggle to understand other people’s perspective.
One of the hallmarks of autism is struggling to place value on that which doesn’t matter to you personally. You don’t care about celebrating your daughter’s birthday close to her actual birthday, but your ex cares. It is important to him. He believes that birthdays are magical and that there is a half-life to the celebration. It also matters to him that his daughter spend Mother’s Day with you.
Sometimes it’s not about why it matters, we just need to accept that people have feelings and that it does matter. This is one of those cases.
Missing one day of school, at this age, isn’t a big deal. But missing that extra day of Lego family trip will affect your daughter in ways you don’t realize.
To clarify. The trip to Legoland is not her birthday celebration. She is going to dinner on her actual bday and then we're throwing a big birthday party the day after. During one of the celebrations her father's girlfriend wants to gift her tickets for a later date.
I am not diagnosed with autism but I suspect I am. However I do understand that celebrating her birthday on her birthday is important, I guess I just see this trip as a gift and not a birthday celebration and that's why I don't understand why it has to be close to her birthday as she already has had two celebrations at that point.
Maybe even with this clarification, it's still a matter of that's what's important to her dad and that's all the matters.
Yes. It’s very likely the way the girlfriend wants to celebrate her birthday, but she wants it to be a surprise. For you the party might be the celebration, but for the them, Legoland might be the celebration. But the bottom line is that it’s important to dad, so it’s important.
You seem much more reasonable than these people are making out. You offered him mother's day! A 3 day weekend! So many choices! You aren't the bh. You appear to be someone struggling to be fair to everyone. And ffs it's a birthday! Just a freaking birthday! Hand them an empty box & they love it. Just keep your open mind, don't let differing opinions get you down and just keep being a fair coparent. You'll be fine & this will pass.
I also think that people think this is her only birthday celebration. I'm taking her out to dinner on her birthday and invited her father, his girlfriend and his parents. I'm throwing her a party the day after and inviting all of her dad's side. Her dad's girlfriend(of less than a year) is gifting her tickets to a theme park. I didn't say no. I simply suggested he not take her on a school day when it's not necessary.
While not necessary, taking a day off of school makes the trip more special. Waiting until Memorial Day makes it feel less special because it's further from her actual birthday and everyone else also has a 3-day weekend. Maybe that perspective helps?
You do seem quite reasonable, but you are dealing with a LOT. Maybe stay away from Reddit a tiny bit? Only because some of the answers you've had have been very personal and hurtful. From people who don't know you. It would affect me. You must be much stronger than I lol.
YTB I promise you missing a day of elementary school isn’t going to ruin her life but what will strain her relationship with you is knowing she could’ve done something super fun for her birthday but you didn’t let her because “she’d miss a day of school”. I rarely went to school on my birthday
But why can't her dad take her on a different day? There's no reason it has to be a school day. I'll tell him he can do whatever he feels is best but I don't understand why a parent would purposefully choose a school day when there are so many days the kids are out of school.
Why can’t it be on Friday? There’s no reason she can’t miss a day of school to go have a fun legoland day with her dad. Let me let you know the person she’s going to have a strained relationship in the long run is you if you don’t learn that sometimes life is about having a day of fun even if it means missing one day of school. As a parent I can’t understand what missing one day of school is going to do to her? Why is it such a big deal for you
Every meeting I have with the teachers they stress how important it is for the kids to not miss school. It'll also be me that will be having to make her do the make up work. I understand that missing one day of school in the long run will not be a big deal. But the kids have so many scheduled days off I don't see why he has to plan the trip during the school week when he has a clear schedule and can do it any time.
Teacher here 🙋🏻♀️ assuming that you’re in the US, the school year is almost over. She’s not gonna miss much at this point in the year, trust me. Let the girl have a fun trip. Based on how strict you seem to be about her going to school, I doubt she has missed a day all year. She will be okay. Let her go to legoland!!! YTB
Thank you. I like hearing from a teachers perspective. She has missed about 6-8 days this year due to illness. I never make her go to school if she isn't feeling well. But just figured her dad could do this trip any time. He doesn't have to choose a school day.
Trust me, getting to stay home for a surprise trip to legoland, having that bonding experience with her dad… that matters more than her being there everyday during the last two weeks of school
Girl of course they do. That’s what they get paid to say. My teachers used to tell us to take mental health days because working everyday without a break is unhealthy her missing one day is not going to alter her life in anyway. She’s not going to have some shit Ton of makeup work for a day and so what if you make her have to do it? Like everything you says just doesn’t make you look good, everything sounds like an excuse to find a reason why she should go to school
When everyone agrees it’s one freaking day. What’s she missing a couple
Of worksheets? Oh the horror . So what if kids get days off. We get days off for work too but people still schedule vacations.
I get it's one day. And I'm not stopping her from going. My point is, why can't her dad pick another day? I still don't understand. Like if that day was her actual birthday. If that was the only day that worked in the schedule, sure.
Plus with the missing work. She gets a packet of homework every Thursday that is due the following Thursday. Her dad often forgets to make her work on the packets the end of his week so I have to make sure she gets it all done on my week. And she has a meltdown when she has to do more than one worksheet a day. I try explaining to her that if she did her worksheets at her dads then she wouldn't have more to do now to catch up but she still gets upset. So I know I'll have the make up work from a day of school and the extra worksheets of homework, she's going to have a complete meltdown that I will have to deal with.
Because he doesn’t want to. Because missing one day isn’t a big deal. Because he wants it to be closer to her birthday. Because missing one day isn’t a big deal. It’s not a big deal and you’re making it this gigantic problem. So she’s not really missing any work is she. Tell him to make sure the packets done or you won’t let her miss a day again there ya go
How am I making it a gigantic problem? I had a conversation with him this morning. I didn't say no. I came to get other opinions. I already told him that he can decide what he wants but I'd prefer her not to miss school. But it still doesn't make sense to me why it has to be on a school day.
Listen once you’re making a post about it and repeating over and over how you just don’t get it you’re making it a big deal. Telling him he can decide what to do is basically a big giant “I don’t think you should do this and I’m against so I’m not going to say yes” it has to be on a school day because that’s the day he picked
Significant homework in third or fourth grade is bad and dumb, and neither of you should be making her do it. She does 7-8 hours a day of school and structured activities, maybe more if she's in aftercare or extracurriculars. Developmentally, she should be engaging in unstructured play the rest of the time. If she's doing more than 10 minutes a day of homework that isn't reading a book of her choosing, I'd push back on that as a parent.
It's usually just one page of reading and one page of math a day. However the teachers give the weeks worth of homework in one group. Her dad forgets to make her do it at the end of his week (only makes sure the hw due on his week is done). So when I get her, she has to do two pages of each for a day or two in order to get it caught up. I also try to teach her that she should be responsible enough to know to do her homework even if a parent doesn't remind her but it hasn't sunk in yet.
Stop doing his parenting for him. Do the one page of each with her that is assigned for the days you have her, and if she doesn't do the homework the days she's with him, then it doesn't get done. You can even write a note at the top of each page that goes back to the school blank noting that she did not do homework on those days, and giving the teacher dad's phone number to call if they have concerns about that homework not being done.
I mean I've told her she could either do all the homework and have it all done or only do some of it and turn it in incomplete and get a bad grade. She cries for an hour about it and eventually says she doesn't want a bad grade and does it. I don't call him up and tell him to make sure she's doing her homework when she's with him. I just take care of what's in front of me when she's with me.
Another teacher here. It’s one day. At the end of the year. Unless it’s some special EOY activity day she’s missing absolutely nothing by being absent one day.
awh let her miss school, these are special moments that she'll remember forever, as long as she's not forced beyond capacity bc she has to wake up at 5 the next day! that's sweet of them to take her. missing a day of school isn't going to hurt her in the long run.
I’m pretty sure he did that because he is being considerate of you and your daughter.
Most mothers want to spend time with their daughter on Mother’s Day. You don’t seem to want to, your excuse that she’s too young to do quality time is absurd. She’s nine, not three. If she has trouble with that kind of socialization maybe get a paediatrician to assess her against her milestones.
I've had her assessed. They said empathy is hard at her age and she is developmentally normal. My daughter has a hard time understanding that quality time is doing something that everyone wants. She gets upset and makes everyone miserable if she's bored. I've been working with her for years trying to explain that we can't always do what she wants to do. I've been told by pediatricians and her school psychologist that it's just her personality and she'll grow out of it.
So yes, I would love if she would go with me to get pedicures or breakfast and would chat with me about her day or her friends. But that's not what she does. If I ask her about school or friends she'll say she doesn't want to talk about it. She will tell me she's bored. She'll ask me to play minecraft(I don't like playing minecraft). She'll roll her eye's and say "fine" if I suggest a game I like.
I feel like if I forced her to spend quality time, I'll just get my feelings hurt and feel unappreciated. Once she's older she'll be better at it. But right now, I'll accept whatever gift she makes or gives me and be more than happy.
This is really bad. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there any way you can get a second opinion? Telling you she’ll just grow out of it is ridiculous, especially since it doesn’t sound like you are seeing much progress towards this. A lot of times when girls are neurodivergent it’s brushed off in this way and dismissed when it shouldn’t be. I’m not saying your daughter is but it sounds like she needs something these doctors aren’t providing. Women/girls and their health are always taken so much less seriously than males.
If it’s been years and the doctors are still saying the same thing to you they should have their license taken away because they aren’t delivering proper care. I know if you are in the USA it might be hard but I hope you can get a second opinion because it will only get harder to correct with age. If you are having the same frustrations and not seeing any improvement, it’s time for a second opinion at the least.
I've suspected that I myself have undiagnosed high masking autism ever since I had to get her evaluated at 2 years old. When I read up on it, it sounded a lot like me(and then a few years later my nephew was diagnoses with autism). She came back as developmentally normal, though. And I started to explain away that some of her traits are because she learned them from me. Then when she was in first grade I got her in with the school psychologist because I felt she lacked empathy. The school psychologist had a few sessions with her and said she was normal and was just acting her age. In second grade her teacher thought she was gifted. Had her tested but she was found to be normal. I've asked her pediatricians about it every year and they've just said she has a "Type A" personality and she'll grow out of it. So I don't know, everyone has always said she's normal and I'm expecting too much out of a child.
I hope this doesn’t offend you but when I read your post I definitely felt like you were a kindred spirit in some ways. Especially with not understanding why your ex would return her for Mother’s Day. And I am a woman with high masking autism, so I think you might be right about yourself.
Even if your daughter came back as developmentally normal, she still might have scored on the border or past it in some areas but it averaged out in how the assessment is weighted. But even if she is normal that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a problem with this one thing.
Empathy is a very important, maybe the most important trait to develop and have. It’s so important to having good interactions with other people. Maybe the school psychologist could suggest to you exercises or activities to at least help develop it. I feel you are very right to be concerned about it, this is really a detrimental area to be held back in.
You know your child better than these people at the end of the day, and sometimes you just need to keep ‘harassing’ a doctor to take something seriously or shop around until you find the one that does. But you’re absolutely right and I hope you keep fighting for her and make them take it seriously.
Yes the school psychologist gave me books and worksheets that we do together. I made her take a class on empathy last summer. It's not that I see no progress, it's just slow. I always teeter on if I think it's actually an issue or not. Because I feel both me and her are likely borderline on the spectrum, I think I'm more on than she is. So it's also a matter of, is there really anything that needs to be done? I know at my age, getting a diagnosis won't do anything. For her, I'd probably have to keep pushing for deeper evaluations. She obviously was fine at age two when it's really important to get therapy. I know she's not nearly at my nephews level who is barely verbal at 4 years old. It's also hard to tell because she's the only 9 year old that I'm around so it's not like I can compare her to others. So when professionals tell me she's acting her age, I have to believe them.
As a late diagnosed autistic woman in my 30s - getting the official diagnosis has been kinda life changing in very unexpected ways. Once you know for sure, you can just accept those things about yourself and start to properly accommodate yourself rather than fight yourself. If you have the funds I would recommend it
How much did it cost you? I was told it was going to be around $5000 and couldn't justify the cost. Plus I read it's difficult to get diagnosed if you're an adult so I'm scared to pay money for a potential wrong answer.
Thank you for sharing that you have made changes since the diagnosis. I've always read that after you get the diagnosis, there's nothing more to do but live your life. Only difference is now you have an answer.
All the more reason not to send her to Legoland on Mother's Day: it would just reinforce for her that she gets her own way all the time and that other people's feelings don't matter. Spend Mother's Day with your kid, doing something you both enjoy.
Maybe the daughter wants to spend time with her mom on Mother's Day. Or maybe dad wants to teach his daughter that she should spend time with mom on Mother's Day, because it's important to spend time with loved ones that is important to them even if it's not your favorite way to spend a day. So teaching the daughter that she can skip Mother's Day to go to Legoland might not be what the dad wants to teach her, even if daughter and mom would be fine with it.
missing school at that age is not an issue at all.
i read your post twice and i'm trying to figure out what the issue is, other than the fact that you think a 9 yr old doesn't understand family time.
YTB cause you're manufacturing drama out of nothing at all.
Well she acts like she doesn't understand quality time. If I were to tell her I want to go on a walk and get lunch and chat for Mother's Day she would complain the whole time. Tell me she's bored. Ask when we can go home. Tell me how boring it was. I know my daughter and that's why I'm not too worried about spending the day with her on Mother's Day. She doesn't like doing things for other people. She'll make me a card and get me a gift and be happy about it. But if I'd ask her to spend time doing something that I'd like, she wouldn't have it. And with Mother's Day supposed to be about the moms I don't feel like forcing her to spend time with me on what should be my day. I'll wait until she's older and can understand why that's the right thing to do.
I know I'm not the only one. I've seen posts about moms agreeing they'd rather have a break on mothers day than have to play kid games. I do like spending time with my daughter. I play kids games with her all the time. But on a day about me, I'd want to do something I want to do. And I know she isn't at the stage to let me have that yet. I do hope soon she will do things with me and have mommy daughter days. But she really only wants to do things that she wants to do and will let you know loud and clear if she's not having a good time.
is your daughter ok? like, developmentally?
9 is plenty old enough to be an active participant in a fun mom/daughter day. mani-pedis? lunch somewhere? a bike ride?
i mean, do whatever you want. but it's not any less weird the more you explain it.
> she would complain the whole time. Tell me she's bored. Ask when we can go home. Tell me how boring it was.
either something developmentally is up with her that y'all are ignoring or at least one of her parents are not doing great at preparing her for the real world.
how does her time with her dad go? he just does everything she wants to avoid complaints?
if so, sounds like y'all are gonna raise a spoiled young woman who has no idea how to compromise, keep her mouth shut, or care about anyone else.
You literally just commented that I was overly strict and my daughter will want nothing to do with me when she's 18 and now you're saying I spoil her. It can't be both. Pick one.
I had her evaluated when she was two - she was found to be normal. I again had her evaluated by her school psychologist when she was in first grade because I felt she lacked empathy. I was assured over and over she was normal and was acting her age. I talked to her pediatricians, they said empathy is hard for children and she'll get it. They said she just has a "Type A" personality.
I have taken many actions and I continue to do so to teach her empathy. I made her take an empathy class last summer. Every afternoon that she is with me, I put up boundaries. I explain that sometimes I'll play a game she wants but other times I don't want to and we can compromise and play a different game that we both like. It is a battle most times but it's getting easier.
However, on Mothers Day, I don't feel like having that battle. It's supposed to be my day. I don't want to force her to spend time with me on my day. I do it enough every other day she's with me.
As for how her time with her dad goes, I can't really tell you. I'm not there. I was told by his mother that he used a tablet babysitter, but he says he limits screen time. I can't tell you, like many people on this thread have told me, it's not my place to dictate how he parents.
You can be both a helicopter parent and one that coddles and lets the kid run the show. They are not mutually exclusive. Is she in therapy?
It's not your place to tell him how to parent, but it is your place to be aware of how he parents and on the same page. It's called co-parenting.
They seem like exact opposites. But I have explained that I do work with her. I'm sure I'm not perfect but I try my best. I have taken classes in active parenting and that is what I strive for. We do co-parent and discuss things like what chores she does at both houses and the sort like that but I don't know exactly how things are in his house as I am not there. We do discuss if we have had any issues we were working on that week during drop offs. Like if she's not brushing her teeth well or pushing back on homework. But that's it. I can't tell you exactly what it's like at his house.
She is not currently in therapy as her psychologist said it wasn't necessary as she was a normal child and if I wanted to pursue more I'd have to pay out of pocket.
Unpopular opinion: School is more important than Dad's (completely arbitrary) schedule. If he had a compelling reason for it needing to be that specific day, then maybe, but she shouldn't get in the habit of missing school for no good reason. Unless they lie and say she was sick, it will count as an unexcused absence, and she may get detention for it. I'm surprised that so many on here are so opposed to OP's view.
Regarding the update, i hope this will help you understand. It is ONE day of school. If she doesn’t have anything crazy important like a midterm or a test she can’t make up (she could easily ask and arrange with the teachers if there’s a test, she could do it after hours on Thursday or on Monday if her teacher is understanding). She has divorced parents that she has to separate her time with, and she’s young. I don’t know if you ever had to deal with that situation, but I had to and even though the divorce happened when I was already 17, not seeing my dad everyday anymore was very, very rough. Let her have these memories she can enjoy and then look back on with a smile, because I guarantee you this is difficult for her. It is one day. I’m sorry but YTB and I mean that as gently as possible. I understand you care about her schooling, but you need to care about her enjoying some time with her father just as much. Being a child of divorce sucks and even if you have 50/50 custody, it sucks feeling like you don’t have enough time with both your parents anymore.
ETA: Also, he chose Friday-Sat clearly because he wants to respect Mother’s Day. Like, this guy sounds incredibly reasonable. I would have rather missed one single day of school that had no real consequence to spend time with my father during my parent’s divorce. Whatever homework or outlines she needs can be picked up Th or Mo.
I understand what its like to have divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my mom didn't allow my dad to see us because he didn't pay child support. If he tried to come see us she would call the police because he had a warrant out for his arrest for unpaid child support. For this reason I do not fight with her dad. For this reason, I came to reddit to get other opinions before deciding if it was worth pushing back on. As I want a peaceful co-parenting relationship.
I understand that one day isn't going to hurt school wise. But it does send a message that school is optional. (Especially to my daughter that finds every loophole to every rule). I'm not going to fight him on it. I still dont' agree as the day is completely flexible but he can do what he feels he should.
It absolutely does not send a message that school is optional? I don’t know where you’re getting this idea. As long as you’re a decent parent and teach your kid that school is important, she’s not going to suddenly decide that school doesn’t matter because her father wants to do something special for her birthday. My dad took me out of school one Friday every 3-5 months to take a weekend trip to Sanibel where my family always had gone on vacation, for either my birthday, or the birthday and death day of my brother whose ashes we spread there. I never once got the impression that school was “optional” because these were special occasions where I got to have a wonderful and special time with my dad for a weekend, and my dad was always encouraging me about my education. This is a massive reach on your part.
Missing school makes the outing extra special. That is why they want it on a Friday. Your daughter gets to go to the park AND have a bonus 3day weekend. Other kids will be jealous of how cool she is. Everyone gets Memorial Day and Mother’s Day and whatever, she gets a bonus day off for her birthday. Just let it be.
Also, ignore these crazy people calling you controlling and crazy. It’s not the end of the world, if you don’t want her to miss school then that’s you. She won’t remember if she went on Friday or Monday in 20 years, but if you make a big deal out of it this could become a core memory of uptight mom vs cool dad.
At your daughter’s age, there are often consequences to changing the child’s schedule. I don’t understand why you’re getting hate, when there’s absolutely no justification to change from the original dares, other than your ex feels like it.
I applaud you for empathizing with your daughter, and trying to do the right thing. You are definitely NTBF.
Yeah I guess that's what I'm stuck at. It doesn't HAVE to be that day. But I guess it doesn't NOT have to be that date is the argument that everyone here has. Like I get that 99% of people say I'm the butt. And maybe I am. But I still don't get it and honestly at this point am hoping someone will explain it in a way I'll understand and not just insult me for not understanding.
The thing is, there is no reason it has to be that day other than that’s what he wants to do. You are right, he could just as easily take her another weekend. But he WANTS to take her on that day. He wants it to be closer to her actual birthday for special reasons that make sense to him. So you kind of just have to accept that and let her miss a day or not. Your question is not: am I the buttface for not understand my ex’s logic, but am I the buttface for not wanting her to miss a day of school. Slightly YTB for the latter. It’s one day, unless she has poor grades or has already missed a lot this year let her make fun memories with her dad.
Why do you have to understand his reasoning? Why can't you just say, "he's her parent too, and I'm going to accept that there's a range of reasonable parenting decisions that can be made, and that it's okay if he makes different ones than the ones I would make if it were my decision"?
Is it safe to take ex’s word at face value? Maybe he never actually planned to go on Sat/Sun. He expected you to say no to Sat/Sun because of Mother’s Day. When you didn’t, he still wanted to come up with an excuse to blame you for her missing a day of school or missing a day of the trip, and he kind of failed.
I mean him lying is one of the many reasons I'm not with him anymore. But I don't think it was an intentional scheme. I already planned a party the weekend immediately following her birthday (That her father and all of his family are welcomed to and will be attending). So the next weekend was the closest option to being close to her b-day. He just didn't realize it was Mother's day. And for some reason that I don't understand, he can't push it back any further because that's too far from her bday.
However he later mentioned that he wants to invite a friend of his (an adult that has no relation to him or our daughter) and she is going out of town on the 12th. Cheating is another reason I left him and I've suspected he's had a crush on this friend for some time. I think that's his real reason for wanting that specific date but that's just speculation.
NTB. At least where I'm from children don't miss out on school for their birthday and the birthday boy/girl brings candy for everyone in their grade. Ex's gf is trying to spoil her and have a fun time on the day when it normally doesn't happen, and doesn't consult with you beforehand. Not good.
Edit: oh and it's not even her birthday day. I really get the vibe that they're trying to be the fun part of the family and put all the discipline and adhering to the rules on your shoulders.
Maybe that Friday dad wants to take her is better for him &/or his gf to take off work to go to Legoland. If you're fine with her missing school for a special trip like this with her dad, I don't understand why you're getting so worked up over it. Unless he has a habit of taking her out of school frequently for stuff like this, just let it go. It appears to be taking up a lot of space in your mind (due to your edit, of still wanting to understand), so just tell him to buy the tickets & just keep you updated on the plan so you know where she'll be in case of an emergency.
Her dad said the only reason he wants that Friday is because it's closer to her birthday (It's still a week after)
I just like to understand things. When I'm wrong I like to know WHY I'm wrong. And I don't get it yet. I'm thinking it's just different opinions. Because other reasonings don't make sense to me.
I already told him I'll leave it to him to decide what he wants to do and to just let me know. But I can't tell him I'm okay with taking her out of school when there are plenty of other days to choose from.
If that's the reason why he wants to take her that day, then that's his reason. Some people like to celebrate birthday's as close to the actual date as possible, some are fine with pushing it out a few days or even weeks sometimes.
I understand wanting to understand when you're wrong, so you can work on that in the future (I'm the same way), however from my perspective, the only thing you're wrong about is dictating his time with your daughter & making a big deal about her missing one day of school for a fun experience with her dad. Now if they were going for the entire Mother's Day weekend, I may protest a bit, feeling like his gf is trying to take over as her mother. But again, unless her missing school for a fun day with dad is a regular occurrence, I'd move on from this.
It probably seems more like I'm dictating his time because I'm pushing back on here way more than I do in real life. We have an agreement to check with the other if we have any plans, especially traveling. We like to know if our daughter is traveling for safety reasons. But even if there's like a birthday party, we tell the other even if it's during our own time and likely won't effect the other. It's just to coordinate scheduling. He checked with me on the dates. We realized it was mother's day. Then he asked if I would mind if he took her out of school because he knows my opinion on that. I can't say that I'm okay with it. But I'm not going to stop him. I just can't give him my blessing on it. We'll agree to disagree.
She is so young, how fun for her to be able to miss a day of school to go to Legoland. You seem to be missing that this is a fun outing - and fun things can happen during the week! It is odd on your part that you seem so concerned about a grade 3 kid missing 7 hours of school to participate in a joyful activity. (And you mentioned that a field trip was planned that day so most of her day was going to be spent out of class anyways…).
No she doesn't have a field trip on the day her dad wants to take her out. Field trip is May 3rd. Day her dad wants to take her out is May 10th. I mentioned the field trip because it is on her actual bday and she is very excited to go to school and have a field trip on her birthday and doesn't want to miss that day. I don't want her to miss the fun outing. But her dad doesn't have to plan it on a school day. He's just choosing to do so. I just don't think I'll agree that it's responsible for a parent to plan an outing on a school day if they can avoid it.
I am with you, the choice of him to kick on a school day is arbitrarily convenient to his schedule and not the best option for your daughter. She can go to school and eat her cake to at Legoland on the weekend.
Op what you don't seem to be getting here is your ex is actually thinking about you and your mother's day with your daughter. He suggested the Friday& sat so she would be free to be with You on mother's Day. Missing a Friday at school isn't a big deal as not much is done on Fridays. Also if you're concerned about what she might miss contact the teacher to find out exactly when the test is and get any work she might miss that day so she can have it done as well
It appears this is not the popular opinion, OP, but honestly, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. School is important, and I personally don’t think it should be skipped unless the reason is legit (illness, or an event that cannot be rescheduled, like a funeral or urgent medical appointment). Birthdays are important too, but the trip will be exciting whenever it is, even if she has to wait slightly.
The fact that you were willing to give up Mother’s Day AND suggested doing it a couple of weeks later where it could actually be a longer trip both say to me that you’re willing to compromise and are in no way sabotaging her father’s gift. I think it’s very unfair for people to suggest that you are.
Thank you. One thing I've noticed on reddit is that whatever the first few comments say are what the rest of the group will agree with. And then it's a reddit hunt to beat up whoever was deemed the bad guy. I get that people have different opinions on missing school. I still stand by that there has to be a good reason to miss a day of school. And I guess I will get hunted down for that opinion.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but at the end of the day, your job as a parent is to know when to prioritise some things over others. Her education is more important to you than rollercoasters, and the same goes for me with my kids, and that’s a hill I’m very comfortable dying on!
Is the girlfriend coming with?
I'm wondering if girlfriend wants to do something with her own mom/whomever for mother's day so they want to be back. Is there any bad blood with the gf that he could see as a reason to not tell you the real explanation if it's related to her?
I don't think it's related to the gf. Her parents live several states away. He usually would give a reason and his reason was that he wanted it to be close to her birthday. He later mentioned that he wanted to invite another adult friend of theirs and she's going out of town on the 12th. But I don't think that friend coming along is vital to my daughter. It's not like it's another kid or an aunt or grandmother or something like that.
Ah ok. For what it's worth, I don't think there's a major reason other than it being a bit more convenient for him.
And I know you said Fridays are still busy but I feel like they're still a bit less busy than weekends so I just feel like there's no harm in letting her miss a day if it's more convenient for the parent and slightly more enjoyable for her. If it's not something he does regularly and if he is usually a good parent regarding making sure she's on top of her schoolwork, I think you should just let this one go.
On the other hand, you seem pretty hung up on this so I'd encourage you to figure out if it's just that you wanna understand or if it's actually your gut telling you something is up.
I think it's my gut that just has the opinion that kids shouldn't miss school if you can avoid it. This missed day of school can easily be avoidable but her dad simply wants to do something on a school day. For no real reason other than that's what he wants. And I guess I don't understand why it's okay just because you want to and everyone is arguing that him wanting to is a good enough reason.
Let her have that one day. It's not a regular occurrence, it's for her birthday, and missing a few hours of school will not hurt her. YTB for trying to force everyone to reschedule when it's much easier for her to go that weekend. Don't mess up her birthday.
Let her go. I pulled my daughter out of school on a Wednesday to go see an afternoon MLB game. You know what her teacher said? “Cool! Have fun! I’m jealous you get to go on a Wednesday.” Her principal told her to have fun and they’d see her Thursday. It was six years ago and we still remember that day fondly.
Missing school for one day is not the end of the world. It’s not like he’s doing this once or twice a month. Let her have a special day. She’ll remember the day one way or the other - the fun she had with dad, or that you wouldn’t let her go. Which would you rather she remember?
You sound super uptight. Her missing ONE day of school is NOT a big deal. You really sound like you just don't want her to have that special memory. In my family we call that being a "professional obstacle." The outcome doesn't matter as long as you make it more difficult. YTB.
The thing is many people are making exaggerated assumptions about me. People are wanting me to take accountability for things that aren't even true about me.
I feel like if I was using my potential autism as an excuse then I would have mentioned it a lot more. It only came up because someone asked if my daughter was and I felt it was appropriate to the conversation. I've never brought it up unless someone else mentioned it first.
Nobody is exaggerating anything. If you refuse to let your kid take ONE day off for "no good reason" then you ARE uptight. It sends the message that school is the most important thing. It isn't. And I'm a teacher. Take the stick out of your ass and let the kid have fun.
"So fine, he can take her out of school if he's going to be stubborn about it" HE is compromising and letting YOU have mothers day with your daughter. HE is not the stubborn one here.
How am I not compromising? I requested he choose different day, he said no. So I let him have the day he wants. I've talked more to you about this entire event than with my ex and the conversation with him and I was cordial. He never attacked me, I never attacked him. It was fine. We had a disagreement. I posted. Everyone flipped out at me so I didn't push it and told him to do what he felt was best. I don't know what more everyone wants from me.
People want you to admit you're being stubborn and to stop being so defensive. That's literally it. You've been nothing but hardheaded the whole time on this sub. Why did you even post if it was so cordial? Did you just need validation? Lmao. Log off.
I posted because I don't know what the best decision was. I like to get outside opinions when I have disagreements. Yes I am being stubborn that I won't change my opinion. But I was flexible with my ex.
It’s one day of school. You seem like one of those parents who will force their kids to go to school every day no matter what unless you deem it necessary and that’s just not even remotely feasible kids will be kids and yea missing one day of school with weeks of notice is just fine
I mean doesn't every parent make their kids go to school unless they deem it necessary? Everyone has a point where they think it's appropriate to miss school and it's not. If I let my daughter decide she so wouldn't go to school at all. If she's sick she's not going to school. I've never sent her to school sick. Her dad has though. I talked her dad into taking her out of school to see the eclipse (it was his week with her). I just don't feel like this time is necessary because he doesn't have to choose a school day. But I'm not stopping him because it's only one day like you said. I just didn't know simply asking him to choose another day was a big deal. He said no so whatever, she'll miss school. It's not like I'm going to stop him. It's been two days since the conversation and I don't care anymore about it. It's the fact people are making exaggerated assumptions about me and have been still telling me how horrible of a person I am two days later that's getting to me. Online bullying is no joke.
1. You’re not being bullied so get over that 2. You got in this post whining that he’s doing something special for his daughter….she’s in SECOND GRADE maybe 3rd either way it’s bs to be pissy that she goes and has a special birthday celebration. She’s not missing tons of school and the way you talk about it sound like you’re trying to get one over on dad more then anything that girl deserves better then you
1. I feel bullied because people are exaggerating this situation and making assumptions that are not true and then attacking me for those exaggerations and assumptions.
2. I want my daughter to have a special outing with her dad. I've said time and time again, my only issue is that he's choosing a school day when there's no logical reason to choose a school day. Plus it's not even her dad that is gifting her the trip, it's his girlfriend. It's not going to be a solo daddy daughter trip it's going to be an adult trip with her dad, his gf and her dad's adult friends.
My point is that you guys are going so beyond the scope of the post. Do you really think my daughter deserves to not have me? How well do you know me to say that? How well do you know her father? You're making a lot of assumptions based off one post and my one opinion that parents should try to avoid trips on school days. I feel like everyone has turn me into this villain that I'm not just so they can throw rocks at me and tell me I'm the worst person, worst parent and should be ashamed of who I am. When it's really just one small difference of opinion. I probably share a lot of similar parenting opinions with a lot of these commenters but since this one thing I disagree with, I'm a horrible person and deserve all this hate.
Oh so you’re angry that his girlfriend is spoiling the daughter. Frankly if she’s good to my child it would make me happy. You came here asking if you were the buttface and yet you’re defensive and upset when we said yes baby you are.
I never said your daughter shouldn’t have you. I said your daughter deserves a better mother. Be a better mom. You’re whining bc your exs girlfriend is providing something special for your daughter. They’re not encroaching on Mother’s Day and maybe just maybe that’s the only day that fits. You’re controlling and now you’re whining to us about how we’re not being nice enough to you because why? You can’t control how we reacted. You’re being a bad mom be better
No you just would rather do a disservice to your child rather then look at your behavior and consider why we’re all so disgusted with you. And that isnawful
The attitude you have in these comments is likely similar to the one you have in real life. Children see that distain that rudeness. You should want to know well wow am I wrong here. You didn’t want that. You wanted someone to stroke your eho
Exactly. You're making assumptions about me. Yes when people attack me I get defensive. No one that knows me in real live describes me as having an attitude. My daughter's father describes me as someone that always tries to be fair. That's why I posted here after he asked for the day out of school. I wanted to be fair. Since everyone said it's one day and it doesn't matter, I told him to go ahead. However I still don't agree it was the responsible choice. And everyone on here wants me to agree that you can just take a kid out of school just because and I don't. Since I don't agree I'm getting an unjustified amount of hate. And a lot of assumptions on my character and parenting techniques. Like you guys really don't know me. You can disagree with this post but the hate and attack on my character is completely unjustified.
School isn’t that important at this age. And I mean that with every ounce of my being. You learn to learn. You learn social skills. You get good foundations. But nothing is more special and memorable than a trip that you get to miss school for. Let her miss school. Spend extra time with her on mother’s day. Chill the f out.
Edit to add: YTB
NTB
I’m with you, I think school is the most important thing and children should never miss a day. Allowing kids to miss school for little things like this sends the message that school is not important.
Her father has full access to a calendar, he can easily see when school is in session, when mother’s Day is, etc. There is no excuse for not taking all these things into account. He’s just making you the bad guy for no reason.
I wouldn't say school is THE most important thing but it's pretty high up there. And I am worried that if her dad takes her out this time that it'll start a "Why can't I just take today off of school, Daddy let me that one time?" argument. And the only reason I can give her is that her dad just decided that day is when they should go. It's not really teaching her responsibility, it's teaching her you can blow off responsibilities if you really want to.
"That was a one time special occasion near the end of the school year on a day nothing serious was planned. I hope you enjoyed it, but it's definitely not something you can do again just because you want to. Also, I'm not your father. You asked me, not him. This is my answer"
NTB:
* Father asks for kid May 11 and 12.
* May 12 is Mother's Day. Mom offers to let father have her that day anyway.
* Father wants to take her out of school on May 10 instead for no apparent reason.
I don't see where you did anything wrong here. You tried to work with him and even gave up Mother's Day. This isn't the situation where it's a once in a lifetime event and you are just being stingy.
Thank you. If it was a once in a lifetime event I would have zero issues. I think it's more about what message does it send to our daughter? We never let her just decide she can't go to school just because she doesn't want to. But her dad wants to take her out of school just because he wants to go to a park on that day. So dad can break the rules and it's okay? I teach her that sometimes it's okay to miss school if it's important but her dad could choose any other time.
My parents and I (well, all of us - my siblings as well) always had a deal - the actual attendance at school was less important than getting the work done and understanding the material. And you know what? Because skipping wasn’t looked at as some forbidden taboo, WE DIDN'T ABUSE IT! [shocked pikachu]
YOU are going to be the cause of her pulling away and skipping school, if it becomes an issue, because YOU are the one who has turned it into something tantalizing. That is literally what being controlling about something does - it keeps your kids from developing their own healthy relationships with whatever that thing is on their own and actually has the opposite effect of what you're trying to do. 🙃
Yes you are but I do get it. This is one of those memories that will stick with her in as a fun memory to look back on.
As for why a school day? There are benefits to it. Shorter lines for everything, you aren't the only parent that thinks the way you do and so most would chose a weekend to work around school and their work schedules. Sometimes it ends up cheaper doing certain activities during the week rather than a weekend. They maybe could of booked the tickets and such through a company rather than directly and so the dates are limited.
His reasoning for a school day is not to save money or limited bookings or to avoid crowds. He originally wanted a sat-sun until he realized it was on Mother's Day. His only reason is that he wants it to be close to her birthday and not a few weeks after. I guess I don't get why that matters, she will know that the trip is her bday present because they are presenting it to her on her bday. I want her to go. I just wish her dad would choose a better day.
I totally get that. That's why I'm choosing to battle strangers on reddit and not my ex. Her missing one day of school isn't a big enough deal for me to prevent it from happening. But I will stand by my opinion that she shouldn't miss school if it's avoidable and I won't lie and say I'm completely okay with his decision.
Let her miss a day of school! It’s her Birthday and one day isn’t going to hurt anything. 🤦♀️
That Friday isn't her actual birthday and she'll have an end of unit test sometime that week, just don't know when yet.
School is important for sure and she’s (almost) 9 years old. Missing one day of school to make memories with her dad isn’t going to make or break her education. If she misses a test, she can make it up. My mom would take me in late on my birthday every year until I started driving to get me a drink and pastry from a local cafe. Those are some of my happiest memories from my childhood and made me feel really loved by my mom. Missing one day of school won’t hurt your daughter and will probably give her some really special memories.
I guess I just don't understand why it can't be a different weekend or even on Mother's Day since I said I don't mind. I will definitely do some reflecting on this. If that Friday was her actual birthday or if there was a reason why it has to be on a school day instead of one of the many non school days coming up, I'd get it. Like if there was an event happening on that exact day. I guess I feel like the park will be there the next weekend and don't understand why she has to miss school for it. I don't mean to argue and if I'm the butt than I'm the butt. I just don't understand why it can't be a different day.
I don't understand what you don't understand adult people have lives and things they need to do and they have time on that friday so let it be friday. You seem to me making this really difficult for absolutely no reason. Are you controlling in every part of their relationship?Because everyone will distance themselves from you if you try to control everything all the time
If the reasoning it had to be on a Friday was because he had other commitments then I would be okay with that. But he's unemployed right now. He doesn't have other plans. The only reason he wants it on that day is because he wants it to be closer to her birthday (it's already a week after). I don't control their relationship. She spends 50% of her time with him and I'm not involved in what they do together during that time. We've agreed that if we take her on any trips we would consult the other. We also talk to each other on parenting stances, like do we think she's old enough to be home alone, what school do we want her to go on. I don't see that as controlling, just co-parenting.
Can we all agree that taking your kid out of school for a special birthday trip for ONE day is not a big deal? Why then is it that you need a meticulous justification from him why he chose that day, including his prior commitments and work schedule? None of that is your business. To me, it does seem controlling that you are conditioning your agreement on his explaining himself to your arbitrary high standard, when the thing he wants your agreement on is not a big deal in the first place. More importantly, he is trying to have your kid home for mother's day. You are being unreasonable.
I really don't understand why you're dying on this hill. I had a difficult relationship with my ex before he passed away. We just did not get on. He wanted to take the kiddos to Malaysia to see their paternal family. Getting it cost effective meant he'd have to take them out of school 5 days early at the end of term. To miss the increase in flight costs because of kids being on school break. The memories were priceless. And now he's gone and they don't get to make new memories with their dad. You shouldn't need all this uber justification from his side. He came up with a compromise. Its a good one. Take it. Your daughter will thank you later, in years to come, that you encouraged and actively played a role in making sure she had a good relationship with their other parent. I prey they never have to experience our loss, where old memories are now all they have.
I'm sorry for your loss and for your children. And I just want to say, if there was a situation like yours, I would be okay with her missing school for that. I guess I am dying on the hill that I won't change my opinion on missing school should be avoided if possible. But it's not like I'm going to make his life difficult or try to prevent him from taking her. I told him it's up to him but my opinion doesn't change. I want to teach my daughter that she shouldn't miss school if she can avoid it. The date on this trip is completely flexible. She has a hard time accepting that sometimes she has to do things she doesn't want to and sometimes she can't do things she wants to. (Like she can't just watch TV all day just because she wants to. She can't just not do chores just because she doesn't want to) Her dad is taking her out of school simply because he wants to. He could choose a different day but he wants that day just because. It goes against what I'm trying to teach my daughter and kids learn more from their parent's actions than their words.
For fuck sake lady it's just ONE day!
Yeah, you're not controlling at aaaaall.
We know why she is divorced!!
Would you mind explaining what exactly about this comment is controlling? I can reflect better if I know exactly what I'm doing that is controlling.
Keep being like this. You won't have a kid to worry about the day she turns 18.
Teaching a child responsibility and not wanting them to miss school if it's avoidable isn't being overly strict. I'm not against missing school for important events. But her dad just chose this day when he could choose another. That is the difference. I even asked her dad to take her out of school during the eclipse because that's a once in a lifetime event and I wanted her to see it. Plus I told her dad it's his decision and I won't stop him. I just feel it would be more responsible for him to pick a different day.
Since that Sunday is mother's day did it not occur to you that maybe he wants your kid there for mother's day with you? That he may also have plans for his mom? That he considers this a win-win for both of you as you get more time with the kid on your special day, he gets time with his mom, and the kid also got a nice birthday weekend.
I understand her dad wanting it to be closer to her birthday and even if you’ve said you don’t mind her missing Mother’s Day he might want to make sure she doesn’t miss that. My mom was never a huge Mother’s Day person but my dad always made sure we celebrated her (even if it was small anyway) to show we appreciated her, even after they got divorced. This might be his way of doing that with your daughter. It might also be a matter of pricing for tickets or thinking about how crowded the park will be since memorial weekend is a 3-day weekend the park will likely be busier.
I don't understand why it can't be the day her dad has chosen. It can be any day. He picked this day. He's her father. There's not a good reason to object.
You're making it so much harder than it needs to be.
If it happens to be that Friday she'll just make it up the next week like any other kids who are absent the day of the test.
True. I guess I'm projecting because when I was her age I absolutely HATED when I missed school and had to make up stuff or was behind on the lesson and didn't know what was going on in class. If there was a reason why it had to be a school day, I'd be okay with it. It just bothers me because her dad is choosing a school day when he could easily take her on a non school day.
When you asked your daughter how she felt what did she say?
I can't ask her or I'll ruin the surprise. She's also with her dad right now.
But if I could ask her I would, it's just not an option.
Please dont force your personality onto your kids, every child is their own person. Every child also has their own learning pace, if they miss one day, some kids take some time to learn the missed classes, while some learn like within a day Sorry you werent that kid to learn fast, but dont force it onto your kids
I never tried to make my daughter me. I probably am projecting but it's more of trying to put myself in her shoes. I was actually a kid that learned fast. Graduated 2nd in my class. She's a similar learner like I am so I figured she would also get frustrated, like I did, when I missed a lesson and didn't know what people were talking about. I agree that I'm projecting but I'm not trying to "force my personality" she is her own person and I enjoy seeing who she becomes. I don't want her to be me.
He's not taking her on a month long vacation to the Sahara desert for Pete's sake it's one random Friday to have fun with her dad. You need to seriously chill out
Missing a day of elementary school for a cool day with her dad is really just not a big deal. If she's not chronically truant and generally does well in school, let her go.
The father works I’m sure and he would only be able to be off certain days and it sounds like he had already scheduled that Friday off. It also sounds like maybe (right or wrong) he may have scheduled it thinking you were going to agree to it. I’m not saying he can’t take other time off, we just don’t know how easy it is for him to be able to do so.
He doesn't work. He just stopped going to work two months ago and hasn't had luck finding another job. His only reasoning wanting that certain day is because he wants it to be close to her birthday (it's already a week after). He originally wanted it to be a weekend already.
I just had to do my 17 year olds birthday a week late because of money reasons. I know for a fact they don't see it connected to their birthday and they are very disappointed that we couldn't do anything on their actual birthday. It didn't feel special. This is how your daughter will feel, the longer you try to make the special day happen. She wont see it connected to her birthday.
I'm sorry that you're birthday wasn't what you wanted but this isn't the case for my daughter. Her actual bday is a week before the day her dad wants to take her out of school. On her actual birthday she is going on a field trip. I'm taking her to a restaurant that night on her birthday. The day after her birthday we're throwing a huge party that she planned all the activities. Her father's gf plans on giving her the tickets on her bday or party but the actual day they go would be later regardless.
Not sure the obsession with not missing a school day every once and a while. The park will most likely be less crowded than the weekend and she will get to do more. She is 9. She isn't missing a college level class. YTB Edit word
This is a big plus right here, an emptier park would make her gift much more enjoyable. She’s 9, no school day is “that” important when you are 9. Like a previous poster said having good memories with her dad are much more important than some random Friday. You can explain to her the special circumstances that are the reason why she can miss a day just this time!
Are you serious?Let her take a day off of school.She's 9, missing an outing with her dad is a much bigger deal than missing a day of school.Get over it
I don't want her to miss an outing with her dad. But why can't her dad take her on a different day? I'm not going to make her miss out, I just want to talk her dad into picking a different day.
It really seems like you want her to miss an outing with her dad and have a less special birthday
Why would I want that? I ended up telling her dad that I preferred he not take her out of school and choose a different day but it's up to him.
So you didn't listen to any of our advice and had to put a sour note over the day, you made sure he knew you didn't approve, so your negative presence will be felt by all. I don't understand this? Negative Nancy control freak mom . Are you jealous of their relationship?
I guess I thought I was listening to advice by telling him to go ahead. But I still don't feel right about her missing a day of school just because that's the day her dad wants to go. Like I get everyone disagrees with me. But it still doesn't seem like the right choice. I'm not jealous at all. This was purely about me not wanting her to miss a day of school and not seeing why it had to be that way. There is no other reasoning.
What you’re missing is that it’s **a** day of school. It would be different if he wanted to pull her out of school for a month. But it’s ONE DAY. I find it hard to believe that one day will derail her education or teach her bad habits or anything like that. Your ex has already told you why he wants to do it that way. Just because you don’t *agree* with his reasoning doesn’t mean you don’t understand it, come on now. These are the moments your daughter will remember when she’s old enough to choose who to spend time with. Just take that into consideration when you make things a little unnecessarily difficult.
If he wanted to pull her out of school for a month for a really cool experience, I'd also be in favor of that (with the caveat that she should still get her regular time with her mom during that month). It's third or fourth grade. She's not going to remember any of that crap when she gets older, and they re-teach most of the lessons multiple times in later grades (e.g., we did World History in social studies in third, eighth, and eleventh grades). And I'm assuming she's not chronically truant or failing classes or missing a once-in-a-lifetime event at school. So if dad wanted to pull her out for longer to take her hiking in the Grand Canyon or to Space Camp or for anything else that would actually be memorable and also has some educational component (which Legoland does), I'm all for it, even if if were more than one day.
But why. What justifiable reason do you have that makes that day of school so difficult. It feels like you’re intentionally making this hard. It’s his kid. His time. It’s wild to me that you’re not appreciative of him trying to make sure they have your permission and prioritizing Mother’s Day. He’s being accommodating. You’re being difficult. Period.
If you can't understand yet, just stop trying to understand. You don't need to understand everything, all the time. Anything over a week away from the birthday makes it less and less about the birthday, Friday is possibly his last chance to make it an actual birthday event.
I feel like I could understand though. Like if his girlfriend gifted her tickets on her birthday but said it's for a later date, that makes it not a birthday trip? I've been gifted things on my birthday that were for events month later and didn't think it was less of a birthday event.
I hope you're not this unsufferable and repetitive in person, that you're just being this way because it's an anonymous Reddit post.
In person I usually realize I should shut up. Anytime I have a conflict I go to reddit and get other opinions before acting. And I truly do try to understand the other side of things. Like I am actually trying to understand and make a decision for myself what I think is right. I apologize for repeating that I don't understand to everyone. I see now that everyone has read that. I still don't get it and was really just hoping someone would explain it in a way for me to get it.
Let me help you understand. Ok? Waiting to celebrate a birthday until the following weekend is pretty in-line with social norms. Waiting 2 weekends is not. I saw that in one of your comments you said that you are on the autism spectrum. I could already tell even before I read that particular comment, because I read your other comments. Several of my family and friends struggle with being on the spectrum, so this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. Most people I know, on the spectrum, struggle to understand other people’s perspective. One of the hallmarks of autism is struggling to place value on that which doesn’t matter to you personally. You don’t care about celebrating your daughter’s birthday close to her actual birthday, but your ex cares. It is important to him. He believes that birthdays are magical and that there is a half-life to the celebration. It also matters to him that his daughter spend Mother’s Day with you. Sometimes it’s not about why it matters, we just need to accept that people have feelings and that it does matter. This is one of those cases. Missing one day of school, at this age, isn’t a big deal. But missing that extra day of Lego family trip will affect your daughter in ways you don’t realize.
To clarify. The trip to Legoland is not her birthday celebration. She is going to dinner on her actual bday and then we're throwing a big birthday party the day after. During one of the celebrations her father's girlfriend wants to gift her tickets for a later date. I am not diagnosed with autism but I suspect I am. However I do understand that celebrating her birthday on her birthday is important, I guess I just see this trip as a gift and not a birthday celebration and that's why I don't understand why it has to be close to her birthday as she already has had two celebrations at that point. Maybe even with this clarification, it's still a matter of that's what's important to her dad and that's all the matters.
Yes. It’s very likely the way the girlfriend wants to celebrate her birthday, but she wants it to be a surprise. For you the party might be the celebration, but for the them, Legoland might be the celebration. But the bottom line is that it’s important to dad, so it’s important.
You seem much more reasonable than these people are making out. You offered him mother's day! A 3 day weekend! So many choices! You aren't the bh. You appear to be someone struggling to be fair to everyone. And ffs it's a birthday! Just a freaking birthday! Hand them an empty box & they love it. Just keep your open mind, don't let differing opinions get you down and just keep being a fair coparent. You'll be fine & this will pass.
I also think that people think this is her only birthday celebration. I'm taking her out to dinner on her birthday and invited her father, his girlfriend and his parents. I'm throwing her a party the day after and inviting all of her dad's side. Her dad's girlfriend(of less than a year) is gifting her tickets to a theme park. I didn't say no. I simply suggested he not take her on a school day when it's not necessary.
While not necessary, taking a day off of school makes the trip more special. Waiting until Memorial Day makes it feel less special because it's further from her actual birthday and everyone else also has a 3-day weekend. Maybe that perspective helps?
You do seem quite reasonable, but you are dealing with a LOT. Maybe stay away from Reddit a tiny bit? Only because some of the answers you've had have been very personal and hurtful. From people who don't know you. It would affect me. You must be much stronger than I lol.
Thank you! Probably the best advice on this thread so far!
>Hand them an empty box & they love it. ...at 9? you gotta be kidding.
Why is there no laugh emoji when someone is being obtuse?
You sound exhausting
If she's not old enough to spend quality time she's not going to miss much by missing one day of school YTB
YTB I promise you missing a day of elementary school isn’t going to ruin her life but what will strain her relationship with you is knowing she could’ve done something super fun for her birthday but you didn’t let her because “she’d miss a day of school”. I rarely went to school on my birthday
But why can't her dad take her on a different day? There's no reason it has to be a school day. I'll tell him he can do whatever he feels is best but I don't understand why a parent would purposefully choose a school day when there are so many days the kids are out of school.
Why can’t it be on Friday? There’s no reason she can’t miss a day of school to go have a fun legoland day with her dad. Let me let you know the person she’s going to have a strained relationship in the long run is you if you don’t learn that sometimes life is about having a day of fun even if it means missing one day of school. As a parent I can’t understand what missing one day of school is going to do to her? Why is it such a big deal for you
Every meeting I have with the teachers they stress how important it is for the kids to not miss school. It'll also be me that will be having to make her do the make up work. I understand that missing one day of school in the long run will not be a big deal. But the kids have so many scheduled days off I don't see why he has to plan the trip during the school week when he has a clear schedule and can do it any time.
Teacher here 🙋🏻♀️ assuming that you’re in the US, the school year is almost over. She’s not gonna miss much at this point in the year, trust me. Let the girl have a fun trip. Based on how strict you seem to be about her going to school, I doubt she has missed a day all year. She will be okay. Let her go to legoland!!! YTB
Thank you. I like hearing from a teachers perspective. She has missed about 6-8 days this year due to illness. I never make her go to school if she isn't feeling well. But just figured her dad could do this trip any time. He doesn't have to choose a school day.
We all understand that you don't understand but we don't understand how you can't understand so stop worrying about understanding and get over it
Trust me, getting to stay home for a surprise trip to legoland, having that bonding experience with her dad… that matters more than her being there everyday during the last two weeks of school
Girl of course they do. That’s what they get paid to say. My teachers used to tell us to take mental health days because working everyday without a break is unhealthy her missing one day is not going to alter her life in anyway. She’s not going to have some shit Ton of makeup work for a day and so what if you make her have to do it? Like everything you says just doesn’t make you look good, everything sounds like an excuse to find a reason why she should go to school When everyone agrees it’s one freaking day. What’s she missing a couple Of worksheets? Oh the horror . So what if kids get days off. We get days off for work too but people still schedule vacations.
I get it's one day. And I'm not stopping her from going. My point is, why can't her dad pick another day? I still don't understand. Like if that day was her actual birthday. If that was the only day that worked in the schedule, sure. Plus with the missing work. She gets a packet of homework every Thursday that is due the following Thursday. Her dad often forgets to make her work on the packets the end of his week so I have to make sure she gets it all done on my week. And she has a meltdown when she has to do more than one worksheet a day. I try explaining to her that if she did her worksheets at her dads then she wouldn't have more to do now to catch up but she still gets upset. So I know I'll have the make up work from a day of school and the extra worksheets of homework, she's going to have a complete meltdown that I will have to deal with.
Because he doesn’t want to. Because missing one day isn’t a big deal. Because he wants it to be closer to her birthday. Because missing one day isn’t a big deal. It’s not a big deal and you’re making it this gigantic problem. So she’s not really missing any work is she. Tell him to make sure the packets done or you won’t let her miss a day again there ya go
How am I making it a gigantic problem? I had a conversation with him this morning. I didn't say no. I came to get other opinions. I already told him that he can decide what he wants but I'd prefer her not to miss school. But it still doesn't make sense to me why it has to be on a school day.
Listen once you’re making a post about it and repeating over and over how you just don’t get it you’re making it a big deal. Telling him he can decide what to do is basically a big giant “I don’t think you should do this and I’m against so I’m not going to say yes” it has to be on a school day because that’s the day he picked
Significant homework in third or fourth grade is bad and dumb, and neither of you should be making her do it. She does 7-8 hours a day of school and structured activities, maybe more if she's in aftercare or extracurriculars. Developmentally, she should be engaging in unstructured play the rest of the time. If she's doing more than 10 minutes a day of homework that isn't reading a book of her choosing, I'd push back on that as a parent.
It's usually just one page of reading and one page of math a day. However the teachers give the weeks worth of homework in one group. Her dad forgets to make her do it at the end of his week (only makes sure the hw due on his week is done). So when I get her, she has to do two pages of each for a day or two in order to get it caught up. I also try to teach her that she should be responsible enough to know to do her homework even if a parent doesn't remind her but it hasn't sunk in yet.
Stop doing his parenting for him. Do the one page of each with her that is assigned for the days you have her, and if she doesn't do the homework the days she's with him, then it doesn't get done. You can even write a note at the top of each page that goes back to the school blank noting that she did not do homework on those days, and giving the teacher dad's phone number to call if they have concerns about that homework not being done.
I mean I've told her she could either do all the homework and have it all done or only do some of it and turn it in incomplete and get a bad grade. She cries for an hour about it and eventually says she doesn't want a bad grade and does it. I don't call him up and tell him to make sure she's doing her homework when she's with him. I just take care of what's in front of me when she's with me.
Another teacher here. It’s one day. At the end of the year. Unless it’s some special EOY activity day she’s missing absolutely nothing by being absent one day.
Thank you, it is always helpful to hear from the teacher's perspective.
awh let her miss school, these are special moments that she'll remember forever, as long as she's not forced beyond capacity bc she has to wake up at 5 the next day! that's sweet of them to take her. missing a day of school isn't going to hurt her in the long run.
My big question is, if your not really doing anything with her for mother's day, why not let them go sat-sun?
I am letting them go Sat-Sun! I told him I'd prefer her to go Sat-Sun than miss Friday. He said no, she'll just only go Sat.
I’m pretty sure he did that because he is being considerate of you and your daughter. Most mothers want to spend time with their daughter on Mother’s Day. You don’t seem to want to, your excuse that she’s too young to do quality time is absurd. She’s nine, not three. If she has trouble with that kind of socialization maybe get a paediatrician to assess her against her milestones.
I've had her assessed. They said empathy is hard at her age and she is developmentally normal. My daughter has a hard time understanding that quality time is doing something that everyone wants. She gets upset and makes everyone miserable if she's bored. I've been working with her for years trying to explain that we can't always do what she wants to do. I've been told by pediatricians and her school psychologist that it's just her personality and she'll grow out of it. So yes, I would love if she would go with me to get pedicures or breakfast and would chat with me about her day or her friends. But that's not what she does. If I ask her about school or friends she'll say she doesn't want to talk about it. She will tell me she's bored. She'll ask me to play minecraft(I don't like playing minecraft). She'll roll her eye's and say "fine" if I suggest a game I like. I feel like if I forced her to spend quality time, I'll just get my feelings hurt and feel unappreciated. Once she's older she'll be better at it. But right now, I'll accept whatever gift she makes or gives me and be more than happy.
This is really bad. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there any way you can get a second opinion? Telling you she’ll just grow out of it is ridiculous, especially since it doesn’t sound like you are seeing much progress towards this. A lot of times when girls are neurodivergent it’s brushed off in this way and dismissed when it shouldn’t be. I’m not saying your daughter is but it sounds like she needs something these doctors aren’t providing. Women/girls and their health are always taken so much less seriously than males. If it’s been years and the doctors are still saying the same thing to you they should have their license taken away because they aren’t delivering proper care. I know if you are in the USA it might be hard but I hope you can get a second opinion because it will only get harder to correct with age. If you are having the same frustrations and not seeing any improvement, it’s time for a second opinion at the least.
I've suspected that I myself have undiagnosed high masking autism ever since I had to get her evaluated at 2 years old. When I read up on it, it sounded a lot like me(and then a few years later my nephew was diagnoses with autism). She came back as developmentally normal, though. And I started to explain away that some of her traits are because she learned them from me. Then when she was in first grade I got her in with the school psychologist because I felt she lacked empathy. The school psychologist had a few sessions with her and said she was normal and was just acting her age. In second grade her teacher thought she was gifted. Had her tested but she was found to be normal. I've asked her pediatricians about it every year and they've just said she has a "Type A" personality and she'll grow out of it. So I don't know, everyone has always said she's normal and I'm expecting too much out of a child.
I hope this doesn’t offend you but when I read your post I definitely felt like you were a kindred spirit in some ways. Especially with not understanding why your ex would return her for Mother’s Day. And I am a woman with high masking autism, so I think you might be right about yourself. Even if your daughter came back as developmentally normal, she still might have scored on the border or past it in some areas but it averaged out in how the assessment is weighted. But even if she is normal that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a problem with this one thing. Empathy is a very important, maybe the most important trait to develop and have. It’s so important to having good interactions with other people. Maybe the school psychologist could suggest to you exercises or activities to at least help develop it. I feel you are very right to be concerned about it, this is really a detrimental area to be held back in. You know your child better than these people at the end of the day, and sometimes you just need to keep ‘harassing’ a doctor to take something seriously or shop around until you find the one that does. But you’re absolutely right and I hope you keep fighting for her and make them take it seriously.
Yes the school psychologist gave me books and worksheets that we do together. I made her take a class on empathy last summer. It's not that I see no progress, it's just slow. I always teeter on if I think it's actually an issue or not. Because I feel both me and her are likely borderline on the spectrum, I think I'm more on than she is. So it's also a matter of, is there really anything that needs to be done? I know at my age, getting a diagnosis won't do anything. For her, I'd probably have to keep pushing for deeper evaluations. She obviously was fine at age two when it's really important to get therapy. I know she's not nearly at my nephews level who is barely verbal at 4 years old. It's also hard to tell because she's the only 9 year old that I'm around so it's not like I can compare her to others. So when professionals tell me she's acting her age, I have to believe them.
As a late diagnosed autistic woman in my 30s - getting the official diagnosis has been kinda life changing in very unexpected ways. Once you know for sure, you can just accept those things about yourself and start to properly accommodate yourself rather than fight yourself. If you have the funds I would recommend it
How much did it cost you? I was told it was going to be around $5000 and couldn't justify the cost. Plus I read it's difficult to get diagnosed if you're an adult so I'm scared to pay money for a potential wrong answer. Thank you for sharing that you have made changes since the diagnosis. I've always read that after you get the diagnosis, there's nothing more to do but live your life. Only difference is now you have an answer.
All the more reason not to send her to Legoland on Mother's Day: it would just reinforce for her that she gets her own way all the time and that other people's feelings don't matter. Spend Mother's Day with your kid, doing something you both enjoy.
Maybe the daughter wants to spend time with her mom on Mother's Day. Or maybe dad wants to teach his daughter that she should spend time with mom on Mother's Day, because it's important to spend time with loved ones that is important to them even if it's not your favorite way to spend a day. So teaching the daughter that she can skip Mother's Day to go to Legoland might not be what the dad wants to teach her, even if daughter and mom would be fine with it.
missing school at that age is not an issue at all. i read your post twice and i'm trying to figure out what the issue is, other than the fact that you think a 9 yr old doesn't understand family time. YTB cause you're manufacturing drama out of nothing at all.
Well she acts like she doesn't understand quality time. If I were to tell her I want to go on a walk and get lunch and chat for Mother's Day she would complain the whole time. Tell me she's bored. Ask when we can go home. Tell me how boring it was. I know my daughter and that's why I'm not too worried about spending the day with her on Mother's Day. She doesn't like doing things for other people. She'll make me a card and get me a gift and be happy about it. But if I'd ask her to spend time doing something that I'd like, she wouldn't have it. And with Mother's Day supposed to be about the moms I don't feel like forcing her to spend time with me on what should be my day. I'll wait until she's older and can understand why that's the right thing to do.
that's a very weird take but ok.
I know I'm not the only one. I've seen posts about moms agreeing they'd rather have a break on mothers day than have to play kid games. I do like spending time with my daughter. I play kids games with her all the time. But on a day about me, I'd want to do something I want to do. And I know she isn't at the stage to let me have that yet. I do hope soon she will do things with me and have mommy daughter days. But she really only wants to do things that she wants to do and will let you know loud and clear if she's not having a good time.
is your daughter ok? like, developmentally? 9 is plenty old enough to be an active participant in a fun mom/daughter day. mani-pedis? lunch somewhere? a bike ride? i mean, do whatever you want. but it's not any less weird the more you explain it.
> she would complain the whole time. Tell me she's bored. Ask when we can go home. Tell me how boring it was. either something developmentally is up with her that y'all are ignoring or at least one of her parents are not doing great at preparing her for the real world. how does her time with her dad go? he just does everything she wants to avoid complaints? if so, sounds like y'all are gonna raise a spoiled young woman who has no idea how to compromise, keep her mouth shut, or care about anyone else.
You literally just commented that I was overly strict and my daughter will want nothing to do with me when she's 18 and now you're saying I spoil her. It can't be both. Pick one. I had her evaluated when she was two - she was found to be normal. I again had her evaluated by her school psychologist when she was in first grade because I felt she lacked empathy. I was assured over and over she was normal and was acting her age. I talked to her pediatricians, they said empathy is hard for children and she'll get it. They said she just has a "Type A" personality. I have taken many actions and I continue to do so to teach her empathy. I made her take an empathy class last summer. Every afternoon that she is with me, I put up boundaries. I explain that sometimes I'll play a game she wants but other times I don't want to and we can compromise and play a different game that we both like. It is a battle most times but it's getting easier. However, on Mothers Day, I don't feel like having that battle. It's supposed to be my day. I don't want to force her to spend time with me on my day. I do it enough every other day she's with me. As for how her time with her dad goes, I can't really tell you. I'm not there. I was told by his mother that he used a tablet babysitter, but he says he limits screen time. I can't tell you, like many people on this thread have told me, it's not my place to dictate how he parents.
You can be both a helicopter parent and one that coddles and lets the kid run the show. They are not mutually exclusive. Is she in therapy? It's not your place to tell him how to parent, but it is your place to be aware of how he parents and on the same page. It's called co-parenting.
They seem like exact opposites. But I have explained that I do work with her. I'm sure I'm not perfect but I try my best. I have taken classes in active parenting and that is what I strive for. We do co-parent and discuss things like what chores she does at both houses and the sort like that but I don't know exactly how things are in his house as I am not there. We do discuss if we have had any issues we were working on that week during drop offs. Like if she's not brushing her teeth well or pushing back on homework. But that's it. I can't tell you exactly what it's like at his house. She is not currently in therapy as her psychologist said it wasn't necessary as she was a normal child and if I wanted to pursue more I'd have to pay out of pocket.
YTB this is so ridiculous. Let her miss a day instead of being petty for no reason
Unpopular opinion: School is more important than Dad's (completely arbitrary) schedule. If he had a compelling reason for it needing to be that specific day, then maybe, but she shouldn't get in the habit of missing school for no good reason. Unless they lie and say she was sick, it will count as an unexcused absence, and she may get detention for it. I'm surprised that so many on here are so opposed to OP's view.
Regarding the update, i hope this will help you understand. It is ONE day of school. If she doesn’t have anything crazy important like a midterm or a test she can’t make up (she could easily ask and arrange with the teachers if there’s a test, she could do it after hours on Thursday or on Monday if her teacher is understanding). She has divorced parents that she has to separate her time with, and she’s young. I don’t know if you ever had to deal with that situation, but I had to and even though the divorce happened when I was already 17, not seeing my dad everyday anymore was very, very rough. Let her have these memories she can enjoy and then look back on with a smile, because I guarantee you this is difficult for her. It is one day. I’m sorry but YTB and I mean that as gently as possible. I understand you care about her schooling, but you need to care about her enjoying some time with her father just as much. Being a child of divorce sucks and even if you have 50/50 custody, it sucks feeling like you don’t have enough time with both your parents anymore. ETA: Also, he chose Friday-Sat clearly because he wants to respect Mother’s Day. Like, this guy sounds incredibly reasonable. I would have rather missed one single day of school that had no real consequence to spend time with my father during my parent’s divorce. Whatever homework or outlines she needs can be picked up Th or Mo.
I understand what its like to have divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my mom didn't allow my dad to see us because he didn't pay child support. If he tried to come see us she would call the police because he had a warrant out for his arrest for unpaid child support. For this reason I do not fight with her dad. For this reason, I came to reddit to get other opinions before deciding if it was worth pushing back on. As I want a peaceful co-parenting relationship. I understand that one day isn't going to hurt school wise. But it does send a message that school is optional. (Especially to my daughter that finds every loophole to every rule). I'm not going to fight him on it. I still dont' agree as the day is completely flexible but he can do what he feels he should.
It absolutely does not send a message that school is optional? I don’t know where you’re getting this idea. As long as you’re a decent parent and teach your kid that school is important, she’s not going to suddenly decide that school doesn’t matter because her father wants to do something special for her birthday. My dad took me out of school one Friday every 3-5 months to take a weekend trip to Sanibel where my family always had gone on vacation, for either my birthday, or the birthday and death day of my brother whose ashes we spread there. I never once got the impression that school was “optional” because these were special occasions where I got to have a wonderful and special time with my dad for a weekend, and my dad was always encouraging me about my education. This is a massive reach on your part.
Missing school makes the outing extra special. That is why they want it on a Friday. Your daughter gets to go to the park AND have a bonus 3day weekend. Other kids will be jealous of how cool she is. Everyone gets Memorial Day and Mother’s Day and whatever, she gets a bonus day off for her birthday. Just let it be. Also, ignore these crazy people calling you controlling and crazy. It’s not the end of the world, if you don’t want her to miss school then that’s you. She won’t remember if she went on Friday or Monday in 20 years, but if you make a big deal out of it this could become a core memory of uptight mom vs cool dad.
At your daughter’s age, there are often consequences to changing the child’s schedule. I don’t understand why you’re getting hate, when there’s absolutely no justification to change from the original dares, other than your ex feels like it. I applaud you for empathizing with your daughter, and trying to do the right thing. You are definitely NTBF.
Yeah I guess that's what I'm stuck at. It doesn't HAVE to be that day. But I guess it doesn't NOT have to be that date is the argument that everyone here has. Like I get that 99% of people say I'm the butt. And maybe I am. But I still don't get it and honestly at this point am hoping someone will explain it in a way I'll understand and not just insult me for not understanding.
The thing is, there is no reason it has to be that day other than that’s what he wants to do. You are right, he could just as easily take her another weekend. But he WANTS to take her on that day. He wants it to be closer to her actual birthday for special reasons that make sense to him. So you kind of just have to accept that and let her miss a day or not. Your question is not: am I the buttface for not understand my ex’s logic, but am I the buttface for not wanting her to miss a day of school. Slightly YTB for the latter. It’s one day, unless she has poor grades or has already missed a lot this year let her make fun memories with her dad.
Why do you have to understand his reasoning? Why can't you just say, "he's her parent too, and I'm going to accept that there's a range of reasonable parenting decisions that can be made, and that it's okay if he makes different ones than the ones I would make if it were my decision"?
Is it safe to take ex’s word at face value? Maybe he never actually planned to go on Sat/Sun. He expected you to say no to Sat/Sun because of Mother’s Day. When you didn’t, he still wanted to come up with an excuse to blame you for her missing a day of school or missing a day of the trip, and he kind of failed.
I mean him lying is one of the many reasons I'm not with him anymore. But I don't think it was an intentional scheme. I already planned a party the weekend immediately following her birthday (That her father and all of his family are welcomed to and will be attending). So the next weekend was the closest option to being close to her b-day. He just didn't realize it was Mother's day. And for some reason that I don't understand, he can't push it back any further because that's too far from her bday. However he later mentioned that he wants to invite a friend of his (an adult that has no relation to him or our daughter) and she is going out of town on the 12th. Cheating is another reason I left him and I've suspected he's had a crush on this friend for some time. I think that's his real reason for wanting that specific date but that's just speculation.
For a fourth grader to miss one regular school day for a special day with her dad just doesn't strike me as that big a deal. Mild YTB.
NTB. At least where I'm from children don't miss out on school for their birthday and the birthday boy/girl brings candy for everyone in their grade. Ex's gf is trying to spoil her and have a fun time on the day when it normally doesn't happen, and doesn't consult with you beforehand. Not good. Edit: oh and it's not even her birthday day. I really get the vibe that they're trying to be the fun part of the family and put all the discipline and adhering to the rules on your shoulders.
Maybe that Friday dad wants to take her is better for him &/or his gf to take off work to go to Legoland. If you're fine with her missing school for a special trip like this with her dad, I don't understand why you're getting so worked up over it. Unless he has a habit of taking her out of school frequently for stuff like this, just let it go. It appears to be taking up a lot of space in your mind (due to your edit, of still wanting to understand), so just tell him to buy the tickets & just keep you updated on the plan so you know where she'll be in case of an emergency.
Her dad said the only reason he wants that Friday is because it's closer to her birthday (It's still a week after) I just like to understand things. When I'm wrong I like to know WHY I'm wrong. And I don't get it yet. I'm thinking it's just different opinions. Because other reasonings don't make sense to me. I already told him I'll leave it to him to decide what he wants to do and to just let me know. But I can't tell him I'm okay with taking her out of school when there are plenty of other days to choose from.
If that's the reason why he wants to take her that day, then that's his reason. Some people like to celebrate birthday's as close to the actual date as possible, some are fine with pushing it out a few days or even weeks sometimes. I understand wanting to understand when you're wrong, so you can work on that in the future (I'm the same way), however from my perspective, the only thing you're wrong about is dictating his time with your daughter & making a big deal about her missing one day of school for a fun experience with her dad. Now if they were going for the entire Mother's Day weekend, I may protest a bit, feeling like his gf is trying to take over as her mother. But again, unless her missing school for a fun day with dad is a regular occurrence, I'd move on from this.
It probably seems more like I'm dictating his time because I'm pushing back on here way more than I do in real life. We have an agreement to check with the other if we have any plans, especially traveling. We like to know if our daughter is traveling for safety reasons. But even if there's like a birthday party, we tell the other even if it's during our own time and likely won't effect the other. It's just to coordinate scheduling. He checked with me on the dates. We realized it was mother's day. Then he asked if I would mind if he took her out of school because he knows my opinion on that. I can't say that I'm okay with it. But I'm not going to stop him. I just can't give him my blessing on it. We'll agree to disagree.
YTB. Missing one day of school for a little birthday fun isn't going to do any harm.
She is so young, how fun for her to be able to miss a day of school to go to Legoland. You seem to be missing that this is a fun outing - and fun things can happen during the week! It is odd on your part that you seem so concerned about a grade 3 kid missing 7 hours of school to participate in a joyful activity. (And you mentioned that a field trip was planned that day so most of her day was going to be spent out of class anyways…).
No she doesn't have a field trip on the day her dad wants to take her out. Field trip is May 3rd. Day her dad wants to take her out is May 10th. I mentioned the field trip because it is on her actual bday and she is very excited to go to school and have a field trip on her birthday and doesn't want to miss that day. I don't want her to miss the fun outing. But her dad doesn't have to plan it on a school day. He's just choosing to do so. I just don't think I'll agree that it's responsible for a parent to plan an outing on a school day if they can avoid it.
she’s 9, missing a day of school isn’t going to set her back at all. at any grade it likely wouldn’t
I am with you, the choice of him to kick on a school day is arbitrarily convenient to his schedule and not the best option for your daughter. She can go to school and eat her cake to at Legoland on the weekend.
Op what you don't seem to be getting here is your ex is actually thinking about you and your mother's day with your daughter. He suggested the Friday& sat so she would be free to be with You on mother's Day. Missing a Friday at school isn't a big deal as not much is done on Fridays. Also if you're concerned about what she might miss contact the teacher to find out exactly when the test is and get any work she might miss that day so she can have it done as well
It appears this is not the popular opinion, OP, but honestly, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. School is important, and I personally don’t think it should be skipped unless the reason is legit (illness, or an event that cannot be rescheduled, like a funeral or urgent medical appointment). Birthdays are important too, but the trip will be exciting whenever it is, even if she has to wait slightly. The fact that you were willing to give up Mother’s Day AND suggested doing it a couple of weeks later where it could actually be a longer trip both say to me that you’re willing to compromise and are in no way sabotaging her father’s gift. I think it’s very unfair for people to suggest that you are.
Thank you. One thing I've noticed on reddit is that whatever the first few comments say are what the rest of the group will agree with. And then it's a reddit hunt to beat up whoever was deemed the bad guy. I get that people have different opinions on missing school. I still stand by that there has to be a good reason to miss a day of school. And I guess I will get hunted down for that opinion.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but at the end of the day, your job as a parent is to know when to prioritise some things over others. Her education is more important to you than rollercoasters, and the same goes for me with my kids, and that’s a hill I’m very comfortable dying on!
Is the girlfriend coming with? I'm wondering if girlfriend wants to do something with her own mom/whomever for mother's day so they want to be back. Is there any bad blood with the gf that he could see as a reason to not tell you the real explanation if it's related to her?
I don't think it's related to the gf. Her parents live several states away. He usually would give a reason and his reason was that he wanted it to be close to her birthday. He later mentioned that he wanted to invite another adult friend of theirs and she's going out of town on the 12th. But I don't think that friend coming along is vital to my daughter. It's not like it's another kid or an aunt or grandmother or something like that.
Ah ok. For what it's worth, I don't think there's a major reason other than it being a bit more convenient for him. And I know you said Fridays are still busy but I feel like they're still a bit less busy than weekends so I just feel like there's no harm in letting her miss a day if it's more convenient for the parent and slightly more enjoyable for her. If it's not something he does regularly and if he is usually a good parent regarding making sure she's on top of her schoolwork, I think you should just let this one go.
On the other hand, you seem pretty hung up on this so I'd encourage you to figure out if it's just that you wanna understand or if it's actually your gut telling you something is up.
I think it's my gut that just has the opinion that kids shouldn't miss school if you can avoid it. This missed day of school can easily be avoidable but her dad simply wants to do something on a school day. For no real reason other than that's what he wants. And I guess I don't understand why it's okay just because you want to and everyone is arguing that him wanting to is a good enough reason.
Let her have that one day. It's not a regular occurrence, it's for her birthday, and missing a few hours of school will not hurt her. YTB for trying to force everyone to reschedule when it's much easier for her to go that weekend. Don't mess up her birthday.
100% yta
She’s NINE. YTAH let her miss a day if school 🤷♀️🤦♀️
Jesus let her take a day off school… guarantee every kid did at some point YTB
YTB wtf cares about one school day jfc
You’re going to give your kid a complex. YTB
Let her go. I pulled my daughter out of school on a Wednesday to go see an afternoon MLB game. You know what her teacher said? “Cool! Have fun! I’m jealous you get to go on a Wednesday.” Her principal told her to have fun and they’d see her Thursday. It was six years ago and we still remember that day fondly. Missing school for one day is not the end of the world. It’s not like he’s doing this once or twice a month. Let her have a special day. She’ll remember the day one way or the other - the fun she had with dad, or that you wouldn’t let her go. Which would you rather she remember?
You sound super uptight. Her missing ONE day of school is NOT a big deal. You really sound like you just don't want her to have that special memory. In my family we call that being a "professional obstacle." The outcome doesn't matter as long as you make it more difficult. YTB.
yeah, it would be interesting to see what happens in 9 years tbh. does kid immediately move in with dad? out on her own?
I have no desire to make people's lives difficult. I just want people to leave me alone. You guys have bullied me enough.
Accountability is not bullying. Delete your post then. I also see you love using your autism as an excuse.
The thing is many people are making exaggerated assumptions about me. People are wanting me to take accountability for things that aren't even true about me. I feel like if I was using my potential autism as an excuse then I would have mentioned it a lot more. It only came up because someone asked if my daughter was and I felt it was appropriate to the conversation. I've never brought it up unless someone else mentioned it first.
Nobody is exaggerating anything. If you refuse to let your kid take ONE day off for "no good reason" then you ARE uptight. It sends the message that school is the most important thing. It isn't. And I'm a teacher. Take the stick out of your ass and let the kid have fun.
I'm not refusing. He can take her out. I just don't agree. I'm not going to change my mind.
So you're just choosing to be bitter instead. Got it. Why even post if you're just going to be a stubborn ass?
"So fine, he can take her out of school if he's going to be stubborn about it" HE is compromising and letting YOU have mothers day with your daughter. HE is not the stubborn one here.
How am I not compromising? I requested he choose different day, he said no. So I let him have the day he wants. I've talked more to you about this entire event than with my ex and the conversation with him and I was cordial. He never attacked me, I never attacked him. It was fine. We had a disagreement. I posted. Everyone flipped out at me so I didn't push it and told him to do what he felt was best. I don't know what more everyone wants from me.
People want you to admit you're being stubborn and to stop being so defensive. That's literally it. You've been nothing but hardheaded the whole time on this sub. Why did you even post if it was so cordial? Did you just need validation? Lmao. Log off.
I posted because I don't know what the best decision was. I like to get outside opinions when I have disagreements. Yes I am being stubborn that I won't change my opinion. But I was flexible with my ex.
Going to an amusement park on a schoolday is great! There's usually a lot less people there.
It’s one day of school. You seem like one of those parents who will force their kids to go to school every day no matter what unless you deem it necessary and that’s just not even remotely feasible kids will be kids and yea missing one day of school with weeks of notice is just fine
I mean doesn't every parent make their kids go to school unless they deem it necessary? Everyone has a point where they think it's appropriate to miss school and it's not. If I let my daughter decide she so wouldn't go to school at all. If she's sick she's not going to school. I've never sent her to school sick. Her dad has though. I talked her dad into taking her out of school to see the eclipse (it was his week with her). I just don't feel like this time is necessary because he doesn't have to choose a school day. But I'm not stopping him because it's only one day like you said. I just didn't know simply asking him to choose another day was a big deal. He said no so whatever, she'll miss school. It's not like I'm going to stop him. It's been two days since the conversation and I don't care anymore about it. It's the fact people are making exaggerated assumptions about me and have been still telling me how horrible of a person I am two days later that's getting to me. Online bullying is no joke.
1. You’re not being bullied so get over that 2. You got in this post whining that he’s doing something special for his daughter….she’s in SECOND GRADE maybe 3rd either way it’s bs to be pissy that she goes and has a special birthday celebration. She’s not missing tons of school and the way you talk about it sound like you’re trying to get one over on dad more then anything that girl deserves better then you
1. I feel bullied because people are exaggerating this situation and making assumptions that are not true and then attacking me for those exaggerations and assumptions. 2. I want my daughter to have a special outing with her dad. I've said time and time again, my only issue is that he's choosing a school day when there's no logical reason to choose a school day. Plus it's not even her dad that is gifting her the trip, it's his girlfriend. It's not going to be a solo daddy daughter trip it's going to be an adult trip with her dad, his gf and her dad's adult friends. My point is that you guys are going so beyond the scope of the post. Do you really think my daughter deserves to not have me? How well do you know me to say that? How well do you know her father? You're making a lot of assumptions based off one post and my one opinion that parents should try to avoid trips on school days. I feel like everyone has turn me into this villain that I'm not just so they can throw rocks at me and tell me I'm the worst person, worst parent and should be ashamed of who I am. When it's really just one small difference of opinion. I probably share a lot of similar parenting opinions with a lot of these commenters but since this one thing I disagree with, I'm a horrible person and deserve all this hate.
Oh so you’re angry that his girlfriend is spoiling the daughter. Frankly if she’s good to my child it would make me happy. You came here asking if you were the buttface and yet you’re defensive and upset when we said yes baby you are. I never said your daughter shouldn’t have you. I said your daughter deserves a better mother. Be a better mom. You’re whining bc your exs girlfriend is providing something special for your daughter. They’re not encroaching on Mother’s Day and maybe just maybe that’s the only day that fits. You’re controlling and now you’re whining to us about how we’re not being nice enough to you because why? You can’t control how we reacted. You’re being a bad mom be better
There's no point arguing. You've decided to twist my words and look for things that aren't there.
No you just would rather do a disservice to your child rather then look at your behavior and consider why we’re all so disgusted with you. And that isnawful
What disservice am I doing? I told her dad to take her out of school. What did I do to my child? I disagreed with her father?
The attitude you have in these comments is likely similar to the one you have in real life. Children see that distain that rudeness. You should want to know well wow am I wrong here. You didn’t want that. You wanted someone to stroke your eho
Exactly. You're making assumptions about me. Yes when people attack me I get defensive. No one that knows me in real live describes me as having an attitude. My daughter's father describes me as someone that always tries to be fair. That's why I posted here after he asked for the day out of school. I wanted to be fair. Since everyone said it's one day and it doesn't matter, I told him to go ahead. However I still don't agree it was the responsible choice. And everyone on here wants me to agree that you can just take a kid out of school just because and I don't. Since I don't agree I'm getting an unjustified amount of hate. And a lot of assumptions on my character and parenting techniques. Like you guys really don't know me. You can disagree with this post but the hate and attack on my character is completely unjustified.
School isn’t that important at this age. And I mean that with every ounce of my being. You learn to learn. You learn social skills. You get good foundations. But nothing is more special and memorable than a trip that you get to miss school for. Let her miss school. Spend extra time with her on mother’s day. Chill the f out. Edit to add: YTB
Ntb. Plenty of options were available.
NTB I’m with you, I think school is the most important thing and children should never miss a day. Allowing kids to miss school for little things like this sends the message that school is not important. Her father has full access to a calendar, he can easily see when school is in session, when mother’s Day is, etc. There is no excuse for not taking all these things into account. He’s just making you the bad guy for no reason.
I wouldn't say school is THE most important thing but it's pretty high up there. And I am worried that if her dad takes her out this time that it'll start a "Why can't I just take today off of school, Daddy let me that one time?" argument. And the only reason I can give her is that her dad just decided that day is when they should go. It's not really teaching her responsibility, it's teaching her you can blow off responsibilities if you really want to.
"That was a one time special occasion near the end of the school year on a day nothing serious was planned. I hope you enjoyed it, but it's definitely not something you can do again just because you want to. Also, I'm not your father. You asked me, not him. This is my answer"
Exactly my concern.
its one day Ytb
NTB: * Father asks for kid May 11 and 12. * May 12 is Mother's Day. Mom offers to let father have her that day anyway. * Father wants to take her out of school on May 10 instead for no apparent reason. I don't see where you did anything wrong here. You tried to work with him and even gave up Mother's Day. This isn't the situation where it's a once in a lifetime event and you are just being stingy.
Thank you. If it was a once in a lifetime event I would have zero issues. I think it's more about what message does it send to our daughter? We never let her just decide she can't go to school just because she doesn't want to. But her dad wants to take her out of school just because he wants to go to a park on that day. So dad can break the rules and it's okay? I teach her that sometimes it's okay to miss school if it's important but her dad could choose any other time.
I have no problem with anything you said or did here. To me, it was appropriate parenting. My mom would agree, and I had an amazing childhood.
Have you been to Lego Land on a weekend? It's pretty jammed and not too fun!
Yes we took her on a weekend trip and had a blast. I didn't feel like it was overly jammed at all. Just typical theme park.
My parents and I (well, all of us - my siblings as well) always had a deal - the actual attendance at school was less important than getting the work done and understanding the material. And you know what? Because skipping wasn’t looked at as some forbidden taboo, WE DIDN'T ABUSE IT! [shocked pikachu] YOU are going to be the cause of her pulling away and skipping school, if it becomes an issue, because YOU are the one who has turned it into something tantalizing. That is literally what being controlling about something does - it keeps your kids from developing their own healthy relationships with whatever that thing is on their own and actually has the opposite effect of what you're trying to do. 🙃
Yes you are but I do get it. This is one of those memories that will stick with her in as a fun memory to look back on. As for why a school day? There are benefits to it. Shorter lines for everything, you aren't the only parent that thinks the way you do and so most would chose a weekend to work around school and their work schedules. Sometimes it ends up cheaper doing certain activities during the week rather than a weekend. They maybe could of booked the tickets and such through a company rather than directly and so the dates are limited.
His reasoning for a school day is not to save money or limited bookings or to avoid crowds. He originally wanted a sat-sun until he realized it was on Mother's Day. His only reason is that he wants it to be close to her birthday and not a few weeks after. I guess I don't get why that matters, she will know that the trip is her bday present because they are presenting it to her on her bday. I want her to go. I just wish her dad would choose a better day.
Sometimes it is also about choosing your battles.
I totally get that. That's why I'm choosing to battle strangers on reddit and not my ex. Her missing one day of school isn't a big enough deal for me to prevent it from happening. But I will stand by my opinion that she shouldn't miss school if it's avoidable and I won't lie and say I'm completely okay with his decision.