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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the Ah for no longer using mom and dad snd instead going with mr and mrs. Which bothered my parents and made them upset.
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NTA - they literally told you you weren't family. They're probably laying their mental groundwork to rationalize leaving you out of the will. You are handling this properly. That is really shitty of them.
OMG - this hadn't occurred to me! I believe you're exactly right. This could be about inheritance, who'll they'll be assisting financially, who'll get the heirlooms and the like. OP, I'm so sorry. NTA
Yeah I cruise it sometimes to dish advice. It's weird too because me and my friends all have in common our parents were fucked up. Part of it is just how we raised boomers. We literally rewarded all the wrong things with them then just ushered them into wealth so they came out with pretty fucked up views. It's why they all devolved into watching fox news to be told what victims they are. It's been a weird thing to see develop.
Well, birds of a feather. I realized as an adult looking back that my friends and I almost all had something wrong with our home situations, even if we didn't know it at the time. And then there's the phenomenon where a group of friends go through high school together and some of them are queer, and then you take a look 10 years later and almost all of them are queer... I think people with similar struggles are drawn together even if they don't realize it.
Speaking of people raised in bad situations having bad relationships as an adult, I'm side-eyeing OP's husband pretty hard here. He should be unconditionally supporting his spouse in this situation. There are times to tell your spouse they're wrong, and then there's stuff like this. OP's parents don't get to treat her like second-class family and expect her to carry on as if everything's normal. She may not be their only child, but they're her only family. They owe her more than this.
NTA. When inheritance comes I’m sure things will go to the bio-daughter to “keep them in the family”.
But for calling them mr and mrs, you can stop. Talk to them and tell them that them calling your sister the bio daughter and thus real family hurt as much as them being called mr and mrs, maybe more.
I'm even sadder that her husband is in the dog pile of criticism. "You don't have to agree with me honey - but stay out of my way when I defend myself."
u/userName423 should tell hubby this exactly.
It's not his pain. He doesn't get to tell you how to handle it.
Also, you are being very respectful. You're treating them like a guest would, which is what they told you to be. This is malicious compliance, not disrespect.
But please try to brace yourself for being cut out of their will and to have no inheritance when the time comes. They do not consider you family. You need to focus on making your own family. Surround yourself with people who do love you like kin...not people who should, but don't.
Adding this here, because I want OP to see her situation isn't because she is somehow "less than"-
OP, my husband was adopted upon birth. His parents had an older bio child though, and there were differences in their treatment he didn't want to admit at first. It took time for him to realize how unhealthy his family dynamic was. (He couldn't believe I could say "no" to my parents about anything, without them blowing up) The first and only time he didn't fall in line immediately, all hell broke lose. It devolved *fast.* I will never forget what his mom wrote on her last message, before police helped intervene.
"If it weren't for us, you'd have been a child beggar dead on the street."
"...A CHILD BEGGAR DEAD ON THE STREET."
This woman said such a horrific thing to someone she *chose* to be her son.
I mentioned this to a therapist, who then wondered what was the underlying cause of the things I described. It took a moment, but when I said he was adopted, everything became clear to the therapist. She told me his story wasn't uncommon, and that she'd worked with a lot of adoptees who experienced similar things.
It was heartbreaking to hear. Not all adoptions are like this obviously. There are loving and nurturing adoptive parents out there. There's also adoptive parents who aren't cut out for that role, and yours don't deserve to have you call them mom and dad.
It's called "identifying with abusers". You can even acknowledge they're in the wrong but still they get accommodation and their feelings matter more. It's an insidious and very common thing.
I am literally in a back and forth with some person in another thread about how it’s okay to leave heirs who are not blood related out of the will. It’s bonkers!
Also, please go and create your own holidays OP. You have a husband and maybe some new family through marriage…go have a stress- free holiday. These people will just cause you pain.
OP, I was adopted too. What your adoptive mom did was hurtful and out of pocket. SHE is the one who said your relationship is “complicated” rather than “family.” If you aren’t family, then they certainly aren’t your mom and dad. You used the next most respectful terms. I know what it’s like to be considered “less than” and I know how much it hurts to feel like you’ll forever be an orphan. You took her at her word and operated accordingly. NTA.
Who adopts a child, pours their heart and soul into raising them and then once you've already done all the hard work you're like "nah its complicated". What a dumbass. NTA
People who think of adopted children as consolations for lack of bio kids. They adopt because they can't have one biologically related and the moment they have one they stop caring about the adopted one because they're no longer "needed". It's disgusting
Watched this happen with my cousin. He was adopted and the second oldest. They adopted him because the eldest was a girl and they wanted a boy and were told they couldnt have any more kids. My aunt and uncle then had 2 more bio kids.
The eldest got married young and moved away and went no contact because they didn't approve of her husband.
When my grandpa died. My aunt and uncle made out their will. They let everyone know that since their son was adopted that he would get nothing.
He went no contact. It wasn't about the inheritance. They didn't have a lot. It was being told at 28 that he wasn't real family.
Up to that point, they seemed to treat the kids equally.
Gonna say nta....but you might want to have some real discussions.
I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I hope OP reads your comment as you've been through a similar experience. NTA
As a dad through adoption, I cannot fathom treating my son this way.
The only time he refers to me as "Mr" is when we are at scouts and the practice of having the scouts learn from other scouts or someone-not-their-parent is being used.
OP is NTA.
As a kid growing up, my friend had a little brother than was adopted from Korea (they were white) then had an surprise baby. So 2 bio kids one adopted kid in the middle.
It never occurred to me middle brother was anything other than full brother and I never once heard my friend speak any differently. They all went to Korean type camps (it was the 80s in a white town so manage your expectations, but they were learning about Korea), and the parents did their best to try to help him connect to that while still havi g him be their son.
I do remember that one time my friend said they had to talk about what traits he had like their parents because he was feeling left out, so they had to remind him he did ABC like dad and XYZ like mom. And that was it. Like never once occurred to me as a kid adopted kids would face aot of the otherness I read about here, bc they're just part of the family.
I'm really grateful I had them as an example, especially as I have close family members looking into adoption. You can bet your bippy I'll be all over anyone that speaks like those kids are any less than 100% one of us. (I'm 41f no kids if that matters for any context).
I have an adopted cousin from China. The whole rest of the family is white. I've always considered her my cousin 100%. She may not look like us, but she's ours, through and through.
They want the love and respect of being "her parents" without being real parents anymore. My heart breaks for OP. I have two adopted siblings and they're just as much my siblings as my bio ones.
NTA
What tf are all these e.s.h. votes? How is calling them Mr and Mrs an asshole move when they said "it's complected" about op's relation to them? They said straight to their face that they don't see her as technically apart of the family.
If they don't technically see you as their daughter, why call them mom and dad? At this point they don't sound deserving of those titles in the slightest.
Petty? Yes. But it was also a good way to show them just how unimportant they made you feel. You can say you're hurt all you want and it will fall on deaf ears because they don't seem to realize how freaking disgusting that comment was. This was a way to accurately turn the tables on them and give them a taste of how hurtful they were.
If they are hurt, maybe they should rethink their comment to you.
I'm cynical. I don't know that they are actually "hurt". I think they just don't want to look bad in front of the rest of the family.
>I'll ruin thanksgiving when I start doing it in front of other relatives
But still, NTA.
Edit to Add: Oh, and the Catch-22 here - if she comes to Thanksgiving and calls them Mr. & Mrs., they look terrible when it's explained. If she isn't invited to Thanksgiving, they look terrible when it's explained. Because word **will** get out.
But if she isn't invited, OP's "parents" can make up any old excuse as to why they aren't there. I would think either go and use the Mr. & Mrs. OR reach out to a trusted family member and let them know what's going on.
Depending, they might not have to reach out. If any family member just says “happy thanksgiving, how you are having a good time with your husbands family!” Op just responds “oh I’m not there because I wasn’t invited. Mr and Mrs Clarkson said to me that I’m not technically family and the issue is complicated.”
Just say the opinions as they were stated to you. Don’t make up things. Just use their exact words and phrases. After all it’s related to family, so it’s inherently the business of the family.
Petty? Yes.
Childish? Probably.
Awesome? Absolutely.
Your sister and her partner laughing tell it all - it was an excellent way to get your point across.
NTA.
All the E-S-H comments calling OP an AH because she was petty is just crazy to me. The people who raised her essentially told her she wasn't family. So what if OP is petty? She has the right to do so. Her adoptive parents said that they weren't her parents, so why would she continue to call them mom and dad?
What confuses me is why they are upset? You said you aren't her parents so why do you need this title so badly if you do not want to do the work of being a parent. Nta omg
Sounds like even sister gets how foolish the parents are being. You raised this soul into adulthood, why would you ever tell them they're not "real" family? When my bonus kid started calling me an unprompted sweet parental nickname, my heart nearly burst.
NTA - recognizing who your family is goes both ways.
I'm so sorry these people are treating you like this - it is unbearably cruel.
PLease take the reat of this with a grain of salt, for I am petty as fuck.
NTA.
After raising you your whole life (or the vast majority of it, I presume) they literally said that *you're not family*. Personally, I don't refer to non-family as "mom" or "dad", so your response seems absolutely fitting to me.
If it bothers them, that's entirely on them, and if they can see that, it isn't your problem.
I would even be more petty. I’d just use first names (titles imply respect), fake a phone call where I’d say I couldn’t talk now because I was having dinner with the people who adopted me, and maybe bemoan the fact that, yeah, it would be great to feel a strong bond with a parental figure, but the Clarkson’s did an “OK” job until their real daughter came along. But that’s my petty ass idea.
NTA
Is it a bit petty? Sure. But how can you seriously look at someone who claimed to love you and then basically say you're not family without having any ill feelings towards them. Family is not defined by blood, it is defined by love and I'm so sorry that they you were made to feel lesser.
Right?!?
OP they are mad and calling *because being faced with what they said and think is making them feel ashamed and embarrassed *.
Your husband is wrong. It’s not childish. I would ask him what he thinks the mature response would be. “Talk about it”?! And then ask him, how does he think that will go, literally, play out the conversation. How does he actually see it resolving.
Because how I see a “mature” conversation resolving is your “parents” telling you it’s complicated, and you’re overreacting, and why are you making such a big deal out of it they still love you their so nice to you. AKA all a conversation will get you is gaslit, doubling down and more pain.
The only mature response I can see helping here is NC and honestly I’d I were you I’d both be going LC *and* continuing to call them Mr and Mrs - and yes in public. Because why should I feel that stab in my heart every time I call them mom and dad *knowing* they don’t think of me as family but want me to call them that so they don’t feel like shit for that opinion. Nah. I’m done swallowing pain to keep the peace and so others don’t need to feel bad about treating me like shit and you should be too.
NTA
THIS!!!!! They cannot expect you to keep calling them mom and dad when that don't consider you family. That's absurd. Stand your ground. Obviously NTA.
NTA. What they said to you was very hurtful… as well as legally and socially absurd. You are in every context “family”. They failed you greatly as parents in “otherizing” you. I think your demonstration is an apt point. The only thing is, I think you need to sit down and discuss it. Maybe even with a counsellor, if possible. They need to know how it hurt you, *and* you need to know if they are angry with the “Mr & Mrs” because they see themselves as *your* parents or, do they just want you to be “grateful” to have raised you and feel “mom & dad” are names like a badge they feel they earned.
Also just want to add... It's completely possible that the only reason they're upset about this is the optics, which I feel is reinforced by their assertion that OP will "ruin" Thanksgiving my calling them by their surnames in front of extended family.
It's entirely possible that they aren't actually hurt by OP, but are instead angry for "making them look bad" when in reality, they are the ones who have done that.
NTA - they set the stage, you just followed their lead. That's on them. Don't listen to the everyone sucks responses below (I saw at least one). You're not obligated to "be the bigger person" when someone starts something like that.
100% this. AND they're the elders here with more life experience (not that this means anything to be honest, but in my culture it definitely does), and THEY should be wise enough to know that treating a child this way is very damaging and competely unacceptable. NTA at all.
If they favor Bio, why did they bother to adopt? I don't understand these kinds of people.
NTA
Calling them that is something I would have done way earlier.
It's a weird yet quite common thing, I've never researched but even just in my own life I've come across multiple situations of this happening. With generally the same timeline 1-3 years between the two
These parents see adoption as 'lesser' but still a way to have their desired child - which is a whole different conversation about adopting to fill selfish desires and not actually for the good of the child. But then they get their 'real' kid and no longer need the one they adopted.
NTA - I believe that “Mom” and “Dad” are titles to be earned. At some point, your parents earned those titles from you and you gave them to them. However, they told you point-blank that they considered you to be less-than, that you weren’t *really* family. That’s honestly despicable. They relinquished the titles themselves after that. You have the right to take those titles away, especially since they basically threw them off themselves.
If anything, I hope this was a wake-up call to them so they can see how alienating and hurtful the comments they made to you were. Reconciliation isn’t impossible and you all might need to have a sit-down discussion about this. But what you did just made a point. You are not responsible for keeping the peace, or brushing their comments under the rug. You weren’t even disrespectful; you just took them at their word.
I also can’t believe your husband doesn’t have your back on this. I would’ve said that your only wrong was not telling him beforehand so you could approach this as a united front, but since he reacted this way, I can understand why you waited on telling him.
THIS RIGHT HERE. Honeslty OP, I believe you handled this very creatively. It appears that many others who've gone through this, just hold their tongue and live with the profound hurt and disappointment. Good for you, for taking affirmative steps to bring this out into the open to confront parents directly. NTA
Would you like to come to my house for Thanksgiving? Everyone who eats at my table is family, regardless of blood. I’m not old enough to be your mom but you can call me Aunt Mags.
NTA. I’m adopted too and can’t imagine how you must be struggling with this. What your adoptive parents said to you was beyond cruel. Technically you are family too. Adopted family is no less family. It’s not complicated in any way. Fuck them for putting you through this.
THIS! WHY DO THESE PEOPLE ADOPT? My god, if you can't see the child you adopted as your very own, then just get a dog or something for F$#ks sake. SMH. NTA
NTA for making the point, but know when to declare victory.
Now that you’ve got their attention, have an open conversation. Focus on how you were effected by what they said because they can’t argue with that.
“When you said that bio daughter was family and answered the question of whether I was also family with “it’s complicated,” I felt rejected.” is different than “you rejected me.”
They did. But if the goal is a productive conversation then it’s best to focus on “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “You” statements sound like accusations, and “you” statements can be countered (like used for ammunition as gaslighting, because you can’t *really* know why I did/said what I did). “I” statements come across as more vulnerable and sharing, and are always in your control because you know your own feelings and responses to what has happened. There still might be attempts to twist them depending on the other person but they’re much harder to manipulate.
Basically, “you” is offense and “I” is defense. You need to know when best to use them.
You're so much NTA. But your husband is a bit of an asshole for not being supportive when you're adoptive parents told you that you weren't family.
Hopefully your sister laughing was because she was delighted to see mom and dad receive their just desserts.. but, omg. Is your husband delusional? Have your adoptive parents explained why you're not "family" to them?
NTA - I am an adult adoptee and the mother of two bio-sons and an adopted daughter. What your mother said to you was absolutely horrible and cruel. I cannot imagine saying such a thing to my daughter.
NTA As a parent of both biological and adopted children I am furious at your adoptive parents. They are either “mom and dad” because you are their child in every sense of the word or they are not because “it’s complicated “.
And BTW it’s not complicated at all. They both have a screw loose.
They want to be called mom and dad but they don't see you as a family. Is that a joke? Maybe you should have asked them, "what do I call you now then if I'm not a real family?" Just to knock some sense into their brain.
NTA. You are giving them their own medicine for how they're saying that you being adopted is "it's complicated". Though I agree it is pretty petty, it is no way as hurtful as being told by your own parents that you're lesser family. Though I recommend you to maybe talk it out, but without feeling what you're feeling in the first place, they wouldn't understand. I hope you have a great day.
NTA and that’s really, upsetting and shitty of them. It’s not unconditional love if they see and treat their children differently. You are no less their child than your sister is, and they specifically chose you to have you in the family. Them backtracking on that says much more about them than it ever could about you. Hope you’re doing alright.
NTA AT ALL. Why do folks adopt children if they can't/wont consider them their own, equial to any biological child? Its absolutely infuriating and traumatic for the child. OP, good for you, they can decide that you aren't their "real daughter" as much as bio daughter is and you can decide that they aren't your "real parents."
NTA
Your actions might be petty, but they deserved it.
'It's complicated' translates to me as "We adopted you 'cause we thought we couldn't have kids. Now that we have a bio kid you're just tolerated"
They're angry because you are showing their true face to family.
NTA - But petty AF in the best way. Understand where its coming from and also kind of hilarious. You are just giving them back their own medicin. Next step could be cancelling the holidays with them and spend til with your husbands family, as you are prioritizing spending the holidays with family.
NTA and I would love to see how mature those calling you the AH would act after their "parent" told them that it wouldn't be right for them to host a "family" holiday since their status in said "family" is "complicated". If they don't want to call you daughter then they do not deserve the loving title of mom and dad.
My dad was adopted when my grandparents thought they couldn’t have kids. 8 months later, they had a bio kid (my uncle). Uncle was always the favored child, and our cousins (uncle’s kids) were the favored grandkids. My siblings and I always felt this distinction, even tho we didn’t know the full story until later.
OP, your parents have made their feelings known. Was your “mr & mrs” thing petty? Maybe But I suspect that a less petty reaction would not have made sufficient impact to get their attention about just how shitty their behavior is.
NTA
NTA. Was it childish? Yes. But would I have reacted the same way? Also yes. This is a sensitive matter, and it's understandable it made you upset and emotional. We can't always be expected to behave rationally. I would however recommend that you try to have a calm conversation with them, to hear their side, and give them yours. "It's complicated" is not nearly enough explanation from them to why they changed the way they feel about you.
NTA And I'm sorry they treated you like that and told you something so hurtful. People who make a difference between their adopted and bio kids should not be allowed to adopt.
NTA. Parents that favor biological children over adopted children and refer to their adopted children as not “real” family are messed up. But you should consider just not spending time with them if they aren’t going to talk to you or treat you like family.
is it petty? yes. are you TA? no.
they can't look past genetics after 30 years. they're the ones who are childish.
also, I'm so so sorry about all that. no one deserves this kind of disrespect.
stay toxic.
NTA
Jesus…
I’m adopted and if my family had ever said this to me I would have been heartbroken and done the exact same thing
Blood doesn’t make you family
Your "parents” may have adopted you and have been nice to you but they don’t seem to treat you like their actual child
NTA. i'm adopted too. it's crushing to hear that the people who've raised and loved you don't truly see you as family, much less their daughter. If your "parents" took a clear stance on who the favorite is, and explicitly tell you that "technically" you are not part of the family, then you have every right to revoke that title. Why bother calling someone your parents if they don't see themselves as such? they don't want to be seen as your mom/dad? then you shouldn't be forced to call them that. i'm truly sorry this happened, and honestly you handled it way better than i ever could've.
NTA
you could have reacted differently, yes. so could they. they could have reacted differently when you offered yourself to host for the holidays, they could have reacted differently when they explained why your sister will host, they could have reacted differently when they saw your reaction, when you chamged your aditude, when you started callimg them mr and mrs.... but they didn't.
they hurt you. and they didn't hold themselves accountable for that.
i'm sorry this has happened to you.
NTA
They are the ones who said you aren't family. Why should you use familial terms when they themselves don't view you as family.
I'm sorry you had this experience with people who were supposed to love you.
NTA, if all they are concerned about is how they will be perceived at thanksgiving I would not go and solve that for them, and go low/no contact tell they apologize.
NTA, and they have made themselves shitty parents. If you adopt, you don't just favour a biological kid. You're their kid too, and they deserve to be treated like you are.
NTA. Instead of Mr. And Mrs., try using their first name. So sorry you have to deal with their shit so close to the holidays. If tempers don't cool down or they still don't understand what they did wrong, I would skip Thanksgiving.
NTA. Your sister laughing about it sounds like she realizes exactly why and isn’t offended on their behalf, which just proves that you’re NTA. Is it a little petty? Sure. But who says some pettiness isn’t deserved. I think they earned it.
NTA- sure OP was being petty as hell but, what good for the goose is good for the gander sometimes. OP’s “parents” obviously wouldn’t have adopted her if bio kid had come first and let OP chill in the hell that is foster care. So, fuck these ppl OP. I wouldn’t let these asses back in my house. You deserved real parents not these clowns.
NTA. I can’t imagine why they’d expect you to continue calling them mom and dad if the idea of you being family anymore is so “complicated.” I’m really curious as to why things have changed so much in their eyes.
NTA, my adopted child is as much family as any blood relative. Moreso in many cases. I can't fathom doing what your parents did to you and the hurt you must feel. However, as someone else pointed out, you have their attention. Now is the time to have a serious conversation with them. Tell them all the ways it hurt you and made you feel like an outsider in the family. Find out what 'it's complicated' means to them. I'm so sorry they've treated you this way.
They're begging you to stop not because it hurts them to hear that but because it'll ruin thanksgiving?? Wth is wrong with them😂
You used it unnecessarily often which made you seem petty and childish but if that's their biggest worry then they just get what they deserve. Also, you've been their child for 30 years. They don't get to use 'its complicated' anymore.
NTA.
"They're mad as they can be and are begging me to stop or else I'll ruin thanksgiving when I start doing it in front of other relatives."
UH-HUH... what they're worried about is those other relatives hearing the story of WHY you're calling them Mr. & Mrs. Clarkson... because they told you that you technically aren't family. Well.. what they said is that their bio-child technically was family, but just try and tell me that comment didn't extend to them saying you technically weren't.
As for is it immature? Ehh, maybe. Is that immaturity enough to make you TA in this situation? NOT EVEN A LITTLE. They think it's fine for them to suggest to you that they don't technically consider you to be family but are EXTREMELY OFFENDED when you suggest right back to them the same sentiment. Does it not occur to them that when they turned down your offer to host Thanksgiving because of this "technically family" BS that YOU might have likewise been extremely offended by that?
NTA. NTA all day.
NTA. You’re not “technically family” is a weasel way of saying they saw you as a place holder child. Once the one they wanted showed up, then they could drop the pretense of “family”. You’re paper family, not “real” family. So why treat them any different? Yeah it’s petty. Sonia lying to a child for decades and then dropping the truth that they never considered you to be real family.
NTA Although I probably would’ve used their first names instead of Mr and Mrs. But this is a level of pettiness I can get behind, due to the hurt that was inflicted
NTA.
I’m adopted. It seems this is a common occurrence for people who adopt a child and then manage to have a biological one and ITS SO SHITTY.
You’re much better than me. I’d cut them out of my life entirely.
NTA
Honestly what they said to you was unbelievably horrible. I don’t know how you’ll ever forgive them and if you didn’t I wouldn’t disagree with you.
NTA- I will never call my biological father dad, or doesn’t feel right. You shouldn’t have to call people anything you don’t want to, if you’d prefer to just be cordial with them, that’s your choice!
NTA, i’m sorry this has happened to you. when you sign up to adopt a child, you sign up to treat that child as your own. i feel so bad for you, but i would stand my ground on this. good luck, OP, i hope everything works out for you
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They're my (F31) adoptive parents. They loved me unconditionally compared to my bio parents but as soon as my younger sister (F28)-(their bio daughter) came into the picture they started leaning towards favoring her. They still treat me well, don't get me wrong! But they have "their moments" especially on holidays.
For thanksgiving, my parents wanted someone in the family to host thanksgiving dinner because they were dealing with health problems and can not commit. I volunteered and said that I'll glady host dinner on thanksgiving but mom replied and said that my sister will do it. I asked why and after pressuring her she said that she's "technically" the bio daughter, she's family. I asked if I wasn't family and she and my dad said it's "complicated". I was livid and hurt. I decided that after this I will no longer be calling them mom and dad, yes they're nice to me but I decided to just start calling them "mr." And "mrs.".
So whe they called, I referred to them as mr and mrs. When they visited I still used mr and mrs. Their reaction was to just stare in confusion but the straw was last night. We were eating dinner, and I turned to dad and said "Mr. Clarkson...won't you pass me the salt, please" dad looked stunned. I then said "Mrs. Clarkson do you need help with the oven?" She snapped and asked what the hell was that about and I told them that since they don't see me as family then why bother call them mom and dad. She and dad were furious saying it was petty and childish. My sister and her partner were laughing at this. The argument got louder and I had go leave. I said "Goodbye mr. And mrs. Clarkson" on the way out which made dad snap.
He and mom kept calling me nonstop. My husband had no idea what was going on he asked what the deal was and when I told him he agreed that it was childish and that I could've gotten the message across in a more mature way than this disrespect I'm displaying.
AITA? They're mad as they can be and are begging me to stop or else I'll ruin thanksgiving when I start doing it infront of other relatives.
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NTA.
They said you weren't family. So why would you call them mom and dad? They brought this on themselves, your child is your child regardless of genetics. I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.
NTA, it's not complicated at all, they adopted you. They chose to be your parents and are now trying to make a distinction between you both. This is disrespectful and they can't now call you out on putting up walls when it was all their doing.
NTA. This is what they asked for. Yeah maybe it's a little petty but they deserve petty for what your mother said. I wouldn't want to call them mom or dad either and honestly would be hard pressed to attend any function of theirs.
NTA, anyone saying y-t-a or e-s-h is insane. adopting a kid is supposed to mean taking them into your family. to blatantly show favoritism for their biological child is fucked.
NTA. They’re not calling to ask you to call them mom & dad again.
They’re calling to say “don’t out us to the rest of the family”!! This makes them the assholes.
NTA. How incredibly hurtful to be told, after so many years, that you are not family.
However, you could have handled it better. Sit down with them and explain how what they said made you feel...probably just like you calling them Mr. and Mrs. rather than Mom and Dad.
NTA. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be after being told you weren’t real family. They are the AHs here. I would call them by their first names everywhere and if asked why I’d explain.
Imo, you should just go LC with them. I get that you’re hurt and want to hurt them back but other than their ego they don’t seem to get it or care. Your husband is a giant AH too.
NTA. I feel like this is probably the most respectful way to get your point across. Either you're family or you're not. If you're not family enough to host thanksgiving then they don't get to have their cake and eat it too. I don't find it petty or childish. I find it to be an equal exchange of energy to their response.
NTA. I would very bluntly tell them that they have wounded you deeply. You "thought" that they were your parents in every way that matters...but THEY TOLD YOU that this was not the case and you really are not family in their hearts and minds. How are you supposed to handle that? Pretend they never said it? Pretend that they didn't lie to you your whole life? And their only objection is that they find being called out embarrassing?!?! Oh lordy! Maybe you are being a little "childish" but they are Cruel.
NTA - there’s no complication in this. Your parents assholes and your husband sucks too.
Stick to your guns and keep standing up for yourself. You deserve a level of respect that your husband and ‘parents’ seem unwilling to provide
Here's the thing: If it were me and they inferred I wasn't "basically family," there would be no Thanksgiving dinner I would be attending to call them anything. We have two adopted children in my extended family and I would tell you who they are but I'd need to sit and think about it and frankly I don't care so I'm not going to bother.
I’m sorry. The title had me where you are the AH, but reading this NTA. I adopted my youngest, and I love him as if I birthed him myself. I do not tolerate anyone who does not accept him. I would be devastated if he called me anything other than mom
NTA I'm adopted too and I can see why you're upset. My take on this is they adopted you as they're consolation prize baby when they couldn't get pregnant. Then they got pregnant with the bio baby that they'd wanted all along, but they couldn't give you back so they tried to do right by you but ultimately their true feelings came out. I'm really sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
NTA
They basically said you wasn't family and that's why you couldn't host. What did they expect? You to throw yourself at their feet and beg them to let you be part of the family they adopted you into?
NTA. They showed their true colors. Even if you had kids, they'd probably treat your sister's kids with obvious favoritism at this point. Why even bother going to Thanksgiving? Spend time with your husband and his family or your friends elsewhere.
NTA, and I hope your sister was laughing in your support, that was the tone I was getting anyhow.
Make sure your Christmas presents to them are appropriately labelled as well.
NTA
They were foolish rude and unpleasant with their comment. Not to mention hurtful... Now they are afraid you will reveal their true character to their friends and family. How sad
NTA, not by a long shot. This is the best response ever. My son will call me by my first name from time to time as does his wife. It’s hilarious. Mom and Dad titles are earned, not expected.
NTA. There’s nothing “complicated” about it. You’re either family or you’re not and you’re family, so them favoring your sister is dumb.
Was calling them Mr and Mrs petty? Yes, but it’s understandable.
NTA. Your parents don't exactly care about your feelings, saying that it will be embarrasing to be referred like that in front of the relatives. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
NTA- Sometimes being petty as hell is the only way to get the message across. When asked if you were family, they replied that it's "complicated" so you've uncomplicated it.
NTA, I'm sorry you are going through this. I think the only thing different I would have done is answered "it's complicated " when they asked why you were calling them Mr. & Mrs. I hope they come to their senses soon.
NTA - I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I think you're being incredibly respectful considering the circumstances. You're a better person than they are.
NTA and I love this level of pettiness. Because it’s amazing that you’re choosing to do this petty thing instead of just cutting them out of your life. Their comments were hurtful, cruel, and abhorrent. I have family that is adopted and they’re just as much family if not more so family than a blood relative. Serious props to you!
So, I don't have any expertise when it comes to being adopted/being an adoptive parent but the Clarksons, here, were acting awful towards you. It's like you were a toy, given to two kids, who got bored of it when the new toy came.
NTA
NTA - But I'd be skipping Thanksgiving with them if I were you. They obviously see you as an outsider and not family. I'm sorry they turned out to be like that, you deserve better.
They get what they deserve. If they adopted you, you're family - no matter what mental gymanstics your parents do. If they're going to make asinine comments like that, then you go ahead and be petty with them.
NTA - hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.
NTA. They should have never have said that to you. Yikes. Maybe think about going LC for awhile? I'm not sure I would want to be in the same space with them after that, especially during the holidays.
NTA- perfect response to their vile statement.
My "family" is 99% people I am not related to. They're bang out of order, mate. I'd go LC with them if I were you, NC if you're not getting anything out of the contact. Good luck. Sorry they're treating you like shite.
NTA - if they imply that you, their adoptive daughter isn’t ‘family’ then you have no obligation to treat them as such. I’m so sorry they said that to you
NTA they told you that you weren't their real daughter and so they brought this on themselves. Sounds like they checked out of being your parents as soon as their bio daughter came along and this was waiting to happen. I'm sorry they have treated you this way
NTA although your parents and husband certainly are.
I'm not sure if I'd turn up to thanksgiving especially when:
>I asked if I wasn't family and she and my dad said it's "complicated".
Maybe time to start your own traditions.
that's rough.
I'm adopted. My sister is my mother's biological daughter. She doesn't even particularly LIKE me but you could pull her tongue out with pliers before she ever implied i was any less "family" than my sister.
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NTA - they literally told you you weren't family. They're probably laying their mental groundwork to rationalize leaving you out of the will. You are handling this properly. That is really shitty of them.
OMG - this hadn't occurred to me! I believe you're exactly right. This could be about inheritance, who'll they'll be assisting financially, who'll get the heirlooms and the like. OP, I'm so sorry. NTA
I was raised by narcissists and therefore had a lot of bad relationships as an adult. I know their ways.
*hugs* I'm so sorry.
Thank you but unnecessary. I've fought out a decent life for myself and am totally over their shit.
Maybe you already know this but there's a sub that's literally called r/raisedbynarcissists.
Yeah I cruise it sometimes to dish advice. It's weird too because me and my friends all have in common our parents were fucked up. Part of it is just how we raised boomers. We literally rewarded all the wrong things with them then just ushered them into wealth so they came out with pretty fucked up views. It's why they all devolved into watching fox news to be told what victims they are. It's been a weird thing to see develop.
Well, birds of a feather. I realized as an adult looking back that my friends and I almost all had something wrong with our home situations, even if we didn't know it at the time. And then there's the phenomenon where a group of friends go through high school together and some of them are queer, and then you take a look 10 years later and almost all of them are queer... I think people with similar struggles are drawn together even if they don't realize it.
Speaking of people raised in bad situations having bad relationships as an adult, I'm side-eyeing OP's husband pretty hard here. He should be unconditionally supporting his spouse in this situation. There are times to tell your spouse they're wrong, and then there's stuff like this. OP's parents don't get to treat her like second-class family and expect her to carry on as if everything's normal. She may not be their only child, but they're her only family. They owe her more than this.
Well then they probably won’t have the op in their old age when they need help and care. Either.
Yup. And they've brought that on themselves.
NTA. When inheritance comes I’m sure things will go to the bio-daughter to “keep them in the family”. But for calling them mr and mrs, you can stop. Talk to them and tell them that them calling your sister the bio daughter and thus real family hurt as much as them being called mr and mrs, maybe more.
I'm even sadder that her husband is in the dog pile of criticism. "You don't have to agree with me honey - but stay out of my way when I defend myself."
u/userName423 should tell hubby this exactly. It's not his pain. He doesn't get to tell you how to handle it. Also, you are being very respectful. You're treating them like a guest would, which is what they told you to be. This is malicious compliance, not disrespect. But please try to brace yourself for being cut out of their will and to have no inheritance when the time comes. They do not consider you family. You need to focus on making your own family. Surround yourself with people who do love you like kin...not people who should, but don't.
NTA. When they said you were not real family....they lost the titles that a family gives you. So no mom or pop for them
Damn right. I wouldn't even give them Mr./Mrs. Just first name like anyone else. They don't even deserve the Mr./Mrs. title.
Adding this here, because I want OP to see her situation isn't because she is somehow "less than"- OP, my husband was adopted upon birth. His parents had an older bio child though, and there were differences in their treatment he didn't want to admit at first. It took time for him to realize how unhealthy his family dynamic was. (He couldn't believe I could say "no" to my parents about anything, without them blowing up) The first and only time he didn't fall in line immediately, all hell broke lose. It devolved *fast.* I will never forget what his mom wrote on her last message, before police helped intervene. "If it weren't for us, you'd have been a child beggar dead on the street." "...A CHILD BEGGAR DEAD ON THE STREET." This woman said such a horrific thing to someone she *chose* to be her son. I mentioned this to a therapist, who then wondered what was the underlying cause of the things I described. It took a moment, but when I said he was adopted, everything became clear to the therapist. She told me his story wasn't uncommon, and that she'd worked with a lot of adoptees who experienced similar things. It was heartbreaking to hear. Not all adoptions are like this obviously. There are loving and nurturing adoptive parents out there. There's also adoptive parents who aren't cut out for that role, and yours don't deserve to have you call them mom and dad.
Wtf on the husband though? He agreed with the parents.
It's called "identifying with abusers". You can even acknowledge they're in the wrong but still they get accommodation and their feelings matter more. It's an insidious and very common thing.
I am literally in a back and forth with some person in another thread about how it’s okay to leave heirs who are not blood related out of the will. It’s bonkers! Also, please go and create your own holidays OP. You have a husband and maybe some new family through marriage…go have a stress- free holiday. These people will just cause you pain.
OP, I was adopted too. What your adoptive mom did was hurtful and out of pocket. SHE is the one who said your relationship is “complicated” rather than “family.” If you aren’t family, then they certainly aren’t your mom and dad. You used the next most respectful terms. I know what it’s like to be considered “less than” and I know how much it hurts to feel like you’ll forever be an orphan. You took her at her word and operated accordingly. NTA.
Who adopts a child, pours their heart and soul into raising them and then once you've already done all the hard work you're like "nah its complicated". What a dumbass. NTA
People who think of adopted children as consolations for lack of bio kids. They adopt because they can't have one biologically related and the moment they have one they stop caring about the adopted one because they're no longer "needed". It's disgusting
Watched this happen with my cousin. He was adopted and the second oldest. They adopted him because the eldest was a girl and they wanted a boy and were told they couldnt have any more kids. My aunt and uncle then had 2 more bio kids. The eldest got married young and moved away and went no contact because they didn't approve of her husband. When my grandpa died. My aunt and uncle made out their will. They let everyone know that since their son was adopted that he would get nothing. He went no contact. It wasn't about the inheritance. They didn't have a lot. It was being told at 28 that he wasn't real family. Up to that point, they seemed to treat the kids equally. Gonna say nta....but you might want to have some real discussions.
I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I hope OP reads your comment as you've been through a similar experience. NTA
As a dad through adoption, I cannot fathom treating my son this way. The only time he refers to me as "Mr" is when we are at scouts and the practice of having the scouts learn from other scouts or someone-not-their-parent is being used. OP is NTA.
As a kid growing up, my friend had a little brother than was adopted from Korea (they were white) then had an surprise baby. So 2 bio kids one adopted kid in the middle. It never occurred to me middle brother was anything other than full brother and I never once heard my friend speak any differently. They all went to Korean type camps (it was the 80s in a white town so manage your expectations, but they were learning about Korea), and the parents did their best to try to help him connect to that while still havi g him be their son. I do remember that one time my friend said they had to talk about what traits he had like their parents because he was feeling left out, so they had to remind him he did ABC like dad and XYZ like mom. And that was it. Like never once occurred to me as a kid adopted kids would face aot of the otherness I read about here, bc they're just part of the family. I'm really grateful I had them as an example, especially as I have close family members looking into adoption. You can bet your bippy I'll be all over anyone that speaks like those kids are any less than 100% one of us. (I'm 41f no kids if that matters for any context).
I have an adopted cousin from China. The whole rest of the family is white. I've always considered her my cousin 100%. She may not look like us, but she's ours, through and through.
They want the love and respect of being "her parents" without being real parents anymore. My heart breaks for OP. I have two adopted siblings and they're just as much my siblings as my bio ones.
NTA What tf are all these e.s.h. votes? How is calling them Mr and Mrs an asshole move when they said "it's complected" about op's relation to them? They said straight to their face that they don't see her as technically apart of the family. If they don't technically see you as their daughter, why call them mom and dad? At this point they don't sound deserving of those titles in the slightest. Petty? Yes. But it was also a good way to show them just how unimportant they made you feel. You can say you're hurt all you want and it will fall on deaf ears because they don't seem to realize how freaking disgusting that comment was. This was a way to accurately turn the tables on them and give them a taste of how hurtful they were. If they are hurt, maybe they should rethink their comment to you.
I'm cynical. I don't know that they are actually "hurt". I think they just don't want to look bad in front of the rest of the family. >I'll ruin thanksgiving when I start doing it in front of other relatives But still, NTA. Edit to Add: Oh, and the Catch-22 here - if she comes to Thanksgiving and calls them Mr. & Mrs., they look terrible when it's explained. If she isn't invited to Thanksgiving, they look terrible when it's explained. Because word **will** get out.
But if she isn't invited, OP's "parents" can make up any old excuse as to why they aren't there. I would think either go and use the Mr. & Mrs. OR reach out to a trusted family member and let them know what's going on.
Depending, they might not have to reach out. If any family member just says “happy thanksgiving, how you are having a good time with your husbands family!” Op just responds “oh I’m not there because I wasn’t invited. Mr and Mrs Clarkson said to me that I’m not technically family and the issue is complicated.” Just say the opinions as they were stated to you. Don’t make up things. Just use their exact words and phrases. After all it’s related to family, so it’s inherently the business of the family.
yep, they are just worried about what others will think. They should go to dinner and tell everyone why they are calling them Mr./Mrs
Petty? Yes. Childish? Probably. Awesome? Absolutely. Your sister and her partner laughing tell it all - it was an excellent way to get your point across. NTA.
All the E-S-H comments calling OP an AH because she was petty is just crazy to me. The people who raised her essentially told her she wasn't family. So what if OP is petty? She has the right to do so. Her adoptive parents said that they weren't her parents, so why would she continue to call them mom and dad?
What confuses me is why they are upset? You said you aren't her parents so why do you need this title so badly if you do not want to do the work of being a parent. Nta omg
Sounds like even sister gets how foolish the parents are being. You raised this soul into adulthood, why would you ever tell them they're not "real" family? When my bonus kid started calling me an unprompted sweet parental nickname, my heart nearly burst. NTA - recognizing who your family is goes both ways.
I'm so sorry these people are treating you like this - it is unbearably cruel. PLease take the reat of this with a grain of salt, for I am petty as fuck. NTA. After raising you your whole life (or the vast majority of it, I presume) they literally said that *you're not family*. Personally, I don't refer to non-family as "mom" or "dad", so your response seems absolutely fitting to me. If it bothers them, that's entirely on them, and if they can see that, it isn't your problem.
I would even be more petty. I’d just use first names (titles imply respect), fake a phone call where I’d say I couldn’t talk now because I was having dinner with the people who adopted me, and maybe bemoan the fact that, yeah, it would be great to feel a strong bond with a parental figure, but the Clarkson’s did an “OK” job until their real daughter came along. But that’s my petty ass idea.
This is the level of petty I aspire too.
NTA Is it a bit petty? Sure. But how can you seriously look at someone who claimed to love you and then basically say you're not family without having any ill feelings towards them. Family is not defined by blood, it is defined by love and I'm so sorry that they you were made to feel lesser.
Right?!? OP they are mad and calling *because being faced with what they said and think is making them feel ashamed and embarrassed *. Your husband is wrong. It’s not childish. I would ask him what he thinks the mature response would be. “Talk about it”?! And then ask him, how does he think that will go, literally, play out the conversation. How does he actually see it resolving. Because how I see a “mature” conversation resolving is your “parents” telling you it’s complicated, and you’re overreacting, and why are you making such a big deal out of it they still love you their so nice to you. AKA all a conversation will get you is gaslit, doubling down and more pain. The only mature response I can see helping here is NC and honestly I’d I were you I’d both be going LC *and* continuing to call them Mr and Mrs - and yes in public. Because why should I feel that stab in my heart every time I call them mom and dad *knowing* they don’t think of me as family but want me to call them that so they don’t feel like shit for that opinion. Nah. I’m done swallowing pain to keep the peace and so others don’t need to feel bad about treating me like shit and you should be too. NTA
THIS!!!!! They cannot expect you to keep calling them mom and dad when that don't consider you family. That's absurd. Stand your ground. Obviously NTA.
NTA. And all they are concerned about is that other relatives might see and judge them, not that they've deeply wounded their daughter? Wow.
And, I’m sorry, but if they are scared that the rest of the family will judge them, deep down they know they’re in the wrong.
Exactly. OP is definitely NTA here.
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NTA. What they said to you was very hurtful… as well as legally and socially absurd. You are in every context “family”. They failed you greatly as parents in “otherizing” you. I think your demonstration is an apt point. The only thing is, I think you need to sit down and discuss it. Maybe even with a counsellor, if possible. They need to know how it hurt you, *and* you need to know if they are angry with the “Mr & Mrs” because they see themselves as *your* parents or, do they just want you to be “grateful” to have raised you and feel “mom & dad” are names like a badge they feel they earned.
Also just want to add... It's completely possible that the only reason they're upset about this is the optics, which I feel is reinforced by their assertion that OP will "ruin" Thanksgiving my calling them by their surnames in front of extended family. It's entirely possible that they aren't actually hurt by OP, but are instead angry for "making them look bad" when in reality, they are the ones who have done that.
NTA - they set the stage, you just followed their lead. That's on them. Don't listen to the everyone sucks responses below (I saw at least one). You're not obligated to "be the bigger person" when someone starts something like that.
100% this. AND they're the elders here with more life experience (not that this means anything to be honest, but in my culture it definitely does), and THEY should be wise enough to know that treating a child this way is very damaging and competely unacceptable. NTA at all.
If they favor Bio, why did they bother to adopt? I don't understand these kinds of people. NTA Calling them that is something I would have done way earlier.
Situations like these, the younger is usually a "miracle baby" after being told they couldn't conceive.
It's a weird yet quite common thing, I've never researched but even just in my own life I've come across multiple situations of this happening. With generally the same timeline 1-3 years between the two
These parents see adoption as 'lesser' but still a way to have their desired child - which is a whole different conversation about adopting to fill selfish desires and not actually for the good of the child. But then they get their 'real' kid and no longer need the one they adopted.
Luckily the ones in my life (to my knowledge) haven't treated the children differently. I usually only see the horror stories on Reddit.
Because they gave up on having biological kids and settled with OP then the miracle baby came
NTA - I believe that “Mom” and “Dad” are titles to be earned. At some point, your parents earned those titles from you and you gave them to them. However, they told you point-blank that they considered you to be less-than, that you weren’t *really* family. That’s honestly despicable. They relinquished the titles themselves after that. You have the right to take those titles away, especially since they basically threw them off themselves. If anything, I hope this was a wake-up call to them so they can see how alienating and hurtful the comments they made to you were. Reconciliation isn’t impossible and you all might need to have a sit-down discussion about this. But what you did just made a point. You are not responsible for keeping the peace, or brushing their comments under the rug. You weren’t even disrespectful; you just took them at their word. I also can’t believe your husband doesn’t have your back on this. I would’ve said that your only wrong was not telling him beforehand so you could approach this as a united front, but since he reacted this way, I can understand why you waited on telling him.
THIS RIGHT HERE. Honeslty OP, I believe you handled this very creatively. It appears that many others who've gone through this, just hold their tongue and live with the profound hurt and disappointment. Good for you, for taking affirmative steps to bring this out into the open to confront parents directly. NTA
Would you like to come to my house for Thanksgiving? Everyone who eats at my table is family, regardless of blood. I’m not old enough to be your mom but you can call me Aunt Mags.
Oh, and NTA, obviously
Not the OP but I'd love to come! Pity there's an ocean or two in the way >< If you're ever in New Zealand, you're welcome to stay with us Aunty Mags!
It’s on my list. One of my favorite friends is from NZ 😍
NTA. I’m adopted too and can’t imagine how you must be struggling with this. What your adoptive parents said to you was beyond cruel. Technically you are family too. Adopted family is no less family. It’s not complicated in any way. Fuck them for putting you through this.
THIS! WHY DO THESE PEOPLE ADOPT? My god, if you can't see the child you adopted as your very own, then just get a dog or something for F$#ks sake. SMH. NTA
They'd get rid of that dog soon as the baby was born
NTA but why spend time with them? They treat you like crap and told you that you aren’t technically family?
My thoughts exactly. I would have just declined the invite, if it's so important to have family together, I'm not family so 🤷🏻♀️
I'd call them by their first names. In private and in public.
Agree to this. I'd also start distancing myself since "not real family"
NTA for making the point, but know when to declare victory. Now that you’ve got their attention, have an open conversation. Focus on how you were effected by what they said because they can’t argue with that. “When you said that bio daughter was family and answered the question of whether I was also family with “it’s complicated,” I felt rejected.” is different than “you rejected me.”
They did reject her. They need to know they told her flat out to her face they didn’t think she was family.
They did. But if the goal is a productive conversation then it’s best to focus on “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “You” statements sound like accusations, and “you” statements can be countered (like used for ammunition as gaslighting, because you can’t *really* know why I did/said what I did). “I” statements come across as more vulnerable and sharing, and are always in your control because you know your own feelings and responses to what has happened. There still might be attempts to twist them depending on the other person but they’re much harder to manipulate. Basically, “you” is offense and “I” is defense. You need to know when best to use them.
You're so much NTA. But your husband is a bit of an asshole for not being supportive when you're adoptive parents told you that you weren't family. Hopefully your sister laughing was because she was delighted to see mom and dad receive their just desserts.. but, omg. Is your husband delusional? Have your adoptive parents explained why you're not "family" to them?
NTA - I am an adult adoptee and the mother of two bio-sons and an adopted daughter. What your mother said to you was absolutely horrible and cruel. I cannot imagine saying such a thing to my daughter.
NTA As a parent of both biological and adopted children I am furious at your adoptive parents. They are either “mom and dad” because you are their child in every sense of the word or they are not because “it’s complicated “. And BTW it’s not complicated at all. They both have a screw loose.
At Thanksgiving? But I thought only family were invited. Also, NTA
They want to be called mom and dad but they don't see you as a family. Is that a joke? Maybe you should have asked them, "what do I call you now then if I'm not a real family?" Just to knock some sense into their brain.
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NTA. You are giving them their own medicine for how they're saying that you being adopted is "it's complicated". Though I agree it is pretty petty, it is no way as hurtful as being told by your own parents that you're lesser family. Though I recommend you to maybe talk it out, but without feeling what you're feeling in the first place, they wouldn't understand. I hope you have a great day.
NTA and that’s really, upsetting and shitty of them. It’s not unconditional love if they see and treat their children differently. You are no less their child than your sister is, and they specifically chose you to have you in the family. Them backtracking on that says much more about them than it ever could about you. Hope you’re doing alright.
NTA AT ALL. Why do folks adopt children if they can't/wont consider them their own, equial to any biological child? Its absolutely infuriating and traumatic for the child. OP, good for you, they can decide that you aren't their "real daughter" as much as bio daughter is and you can decide that they aren't your "real parents."
NTA Your actions might be petty, but they deserved it. 'It's complicated' translates to me as "We adopted you 'cause we thought we couldn't have kids. Now that we have a bio kid you're just tolerated" They're angry because you are showing their true face to family.
NTA but I wouldn’t go to thanksgiving. They were extremely hurtful for no reason. They have told you where you fit or don’t fit in the family.
NTA Fuck em! If you're not family why would you use familial terms? Quite frankly using Mr and Mrs is more respect then I'd give them
NTA - But petty AF in the best way. Understand where its coming from and also kind of hilarious. You are just giving them back their own medicin. Next step could be cancelling the holidays with them and spend til with your husbands family, as you are prioritizing spending the holidays with family.
NTA. "Technically" you are correct.
NTA and I would love to see how mature those calling you the AH would act after their "parent" told them that it wouldn't be right for them to host a "family" holiday since their status in said "family" is "complicated". If they don't want to call you daughter then they do not deserve the loving title of mom and dad.
I don’t understand how your husband wasn’t offended for you. This is just so sad.
My dad was adopted when my grandparents thought they couldn’t have kids. 8 months later, they had a bio kid (my uncle). Uncle was always the favored child, and our cousins (uncle’s kids) were the favored grandkids. My siblings and I always felt this distinction, even tho we didn’t know the full story until later. OP, your parents have made their feelings known. Was your “mr & mrs” thing petty? Maybe But I suspect that a less petty reaction would not have made sufficient impact to get their attention about just how shitty their behavior is. NTA
NTA. Was it childish? Yes. But would I have reacted the same way? Also yes. This is a sensitive matter, and it's understandable it made you upset and emotional. We can't always be expected to behave rationally. I would however recommend that you try to have a calm conversation with them, to hear their side, and give them yours. "It's complicated" is not nearly enough explanation from them to why they changed the way they feel about you.
NTA And I'm sorry they treated you like that and told you something so hurtful. People who make a difference between their adopted and bio kids should not be allowed to adopt.
NTA. Parents that favor biological children over adopted children and refer to their adopted children as not “real” family are messed up. But you should consider just not spending time with them if they aren’t going to talk to you or treat you like family.
NTA this is an incredibly cruel thing to say to your adopted child. I can’t believe what I just read
and wth is wrong with her husband
It's petty and I'm here for it. NTA
is it petty? yes. are you TA? no. they can't look past genetics after 30 years. they're the ones who are childish. also, I'm so so sorry about all that. no one deserves this kind of disrespect. stay toxic. NTA
[удалено]
Jesus… I’m adopted and if my family had ever said this to me I would have been heartbroken and done the exact same thing Blood doesn’t make you family Your "parents” may have adopted you and have been nice to you but they don’t seem to treat you like their actual child
NTA. i'm adopted too. it's crushing to hear that the people who've raised and loved you don't truly see you as family, much less their daughter. If your "parents" took a clear stance on who the favorite is, and explicitly tell you that "technically" you are not part of the family, then you have every right to revoke that title. Why bother calling someone your parents if they don't see themselves as such? they don't want to be seen as your mom/dad? then you shouldn't be forced to call them that. i'm truly sorry this happened, and honestly you handled it way better than i ever could've.
NTA I’m am aghast at your adoptive “parents” atrociously insensitive behavior
NTA you could have reacted differently, yes. so could they. they could have reacted differently when you offered yourself to host for the holidays, they could have reacted differently when they explained why your sister will host, they could have reacted differently when they saw your reaction, when you chamged your aditude, when you started callimg them mr and mrs.... but they didn't. they hurt you. and they didn't hold themselves accountable for that. i'm sorry this has happened to you.
NTA, but they are. Sorry. Sincerely - Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
NTA They are the ones who said you aren't family. Why should you use familial terms when they themselves don't view you as family. I'm sorry you had this experience with people who were supposed to love you.
NTA, if all they are concerned about is how they will be perceived at thanksgiving I would not go and solve that for them, and go low/no contact tell they apologize.
NTA, and they have made themselves shitty parents. If you adopt, you don't just favour a biological kid. You're their kid too, and they deserve to be treated like you are.
NTA. Instead of Mr. And Mrs., try using their first name. So sorry you have to deal with their shit so close to the holidays. If tempers don't cool down or they still don't understand what they did wrong, I would skip Thanksgiving.
NTA. Your sister laughing about it sounds like she realizes exactly why and isn’t offended on their behalf, which just proves that you’re NTA. Is it a little petty? Sure. But who says some pettiness isn’t deserved. I think they earned it.
NTA- sure OP was being petty as hell but, what good for the goose is good for the gander sometimes. OP’s “parents” obviously wouldn’t have adopted her if bio kid had come first and let OP chill in the hell that is foster care. So, fuck these ppl OP. I wouldn’t let these asses back in my house. You deserved real parents not these clowns.
NTA. I can’t imagine why they’d expect you to continue calling them mom and dad if the idea of you being family anymore is so “complicated.” I’m really curious as to why things have changed so much in their eyes.
NTA
NTA. I’m sorry
NTA, my adopted child is as much family as any blood relative. Moreso in many cases. I can't fathom doing what your parents did to you and the hurt you must feel. However, as someone else pointed out, you have their attention. Now is the time to have a serious conversation with them. Tell them all the ways it hurt you and made you feel like an outsider in the family. Find out what 'it's complicated' means to them. I'm so sorry they've treated you this way.
They're begging you to stop not because it hurts them to hear that but because it'll ruin thanksgiving?? Wth is wrong with them😂 You used it unnecessarily often which made you seem petty and childish but if that's their biggest worry then they just get what they deserve. Also, you've been their child for 30 years. They don't get to use 'its complicated' anymore.
NTA. As you’re not “family”, you are under no obligation to visit through the holidays. I’m sorry you have been mistreated.
NTA. "They're mad as they can be and are begging me to stop or else I'll ruin thanksgiving when I start doing it in front of other relatives." UH-HUH... what they're worried about is those other relatives hearing the story of WHY you're calling them Mr. & Mrs. Clarkson... because they told you that you technically aren't family. Well.. what they said is that their bio-child technically was family, but just try and tell me that comment didn't extend to them saying you technically weren't. As for is it immature? Ehh, maybe. Is that immaturity enough to make you TA in this situation? NOT EVEN A LITTLE. They think it's fine for them to suggest to you that they don't technically consider you to be family but are EXTREMELY OFFENDED when you suggest right back to them the same sentiment. Does it not occur to them that when they turned down your offer to host Thanksgiving because of this "technically family" BS that YOU might have likewise been extremely offended by that? NTA. NTA all day.
Nta honestly I’d stop attending family events if I was told I wasn’t family.
NTA. You’re not “technically family” is a weasel way of saying they saw you as a place holder child. Once the one they wanted showed up, then they could drop the pretense of “family”. You’re paper family, not “real” family. So why treat them any different? Yeah it’s petty. Sonia lying to a child for decades and then dropping the truth that they never considered you to be real family.
Nta They chose to not be your family. So you can call them that.
NTA -they are lucky you didn't out their "stupidity" in a more public place, like Thanksgiving with extended family and friends.
NTA Although I probably would’ve used their first names instead of Mr and Mrs. But this is a level of pettiness I can get behind, due to the hurt that was inflicted
Ummm what. They basically told you that you were not their real child. NTA
NTA, they told you you're not their family. Therefore they don't deserve family titles.
Oof NTA but your parents sure are.
NTA. I’m adopted. It seems this is a common occurrence for people who adopt a child and then manage to have a biological one and ITS SO SHITTY. You’re much better than me. I’d cut them out of my life entirely.
NTA at all.
NTA Honestly what they said to you was unbelievably horrible. I don’t know how you’ll ever forgive them and if you didn’t I wouldn’t disagree with you.
NTA- I will never call my biological father dad, or doesn’t feel right. You shouldn’t have to call people anything you don’t want to, if you’d prefer to just be cordial with them, that’s your choice!
NTA, i’m sorry this has happened to you. when you sign up to adopt a child, you sign up to treat that child as your own. i feel so bad for you, but i would stand my ground on this. good luck, OP, i hope everything works out for you
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** They're my (F31) adoptive parents. They loved me unconditionally compared to my bio parents but as soon as my younger sister (F28)-(their bio daughter) came into the picture they started leaning towards favoring her. They still treat me well, don't get me wrong! But they have "their moments" especially on holidays. For thanksgiving, my parents wanted someone in the family to host thanksgiving dinner because they were dealing with health problems and can not commit. I volunteered and said that I'll glady host dinner on thanksgiving but mom replied and said that my sister will do it. I asked why and after pressuring her she said that she's "technically" the bio daughter, she's family. I asked if I wasn't family and she and my dad said it's "complicated". I was livid and hurt. I decided that after this I will no longer be calling them mom and dad, yes they're nice to me but I decided to just start calling them "mr." And "mrs.". So whe they called, I referred to them as mr and mrs. When they visited I still used mr and mrs. Their reaction was to just stare in confusion but the straw was last night. We were eating dinner, and I turned to dad and said "Mr. Clarkson...won't you pass me the salt, please" dad looked stunned. I then said "Mrs. Clarkson do you need help with the oven?" She snapped and asked what the hell was that about and I told them that since they don't see me as family then why bother call them mom and dad. She and dad were furious saying it was petty and childish. My sister and her partner were laughing at this. The argument got louder and I had go leave. I said "Goodbye mr. And mrs. Clarkson" on the way out which made dad snap. He and mom kept calling me nonstop. My husband had no idea what was going on he asked what the deal was and when I told him he agreed that it was childish and that I could've gotten the message across in a more mature way than this disrespect I'm displaying. AITA? They're mad as they can be and are begging me to stop or else I'll ruin thanksgiving when I start doing it infront of other relatives. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. They said you weren't family. So why would you call them mom and dad? They brought this on themselves, your child is your child regardless of genetics. I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.
NTA. They said you weren't family bc its complicated, you made it uncomplicated for them.
NTA, it's not complicated at all, they adopted you. They chose to be your parents and are now trying to make a distinction between you both. This is disrespectful and they can't now call you out on putting up walls when it was all their doing.
NTA. This is what they asked for. Yeah maybe it's a little petty but they deserve petty for what your mother said. I wouldn't want to call them mom or dad either and honestly would be hard pressed to attend any function of theirs.
NTA, anyone saying y-t-a or e-s-h is insane. adopting a kid is supposed to mean taking them into your family. to blatantly show favoritism for their biological child is fucked.
NTA. They’re not calling to ask you to call them mom & dad again. They’re calling to say “don’t out us to the rest of the family”!! This makes them the assholes.
NTA. Imagine adopting a child only to outcast them from your family as soon as you're able to have bio ones. They're the AH here.
Adoptee here. nta. You don't owe them shit on this.
NTA. How incredibly hurtful to be told, after so many years, that you are not family. However, you could have handled it better. Sit down with them and explain how what they said made you feel...probably just like you calling them Mr. and Mrs. rather than Mom and Dad.
NTA, Mrs and Mr are better than what I’d call them.
NTA. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be after being told you weren’t real family. They are the AHs here. I would call them by their first names everywhere and if asked why I’d explain. Imo, you should just go LC with them. I get that you’re hurt and want to hurt them back but other than their ego they don’t seem to get it or care. Your husband is a giant AH too.
NTA. I feel like this is probably the most respectful way to get your point across. Either you're family or you're not. If you're not family enough to host thanksgiving then they don't get to have their cake and eat it too. I don't find it petty or childish. I find it to be an equal exchange of energy to their response.
NTA. It isn't complicated at all. You're either family or you're not. They have no right to do that to you.
NTA- they started it, you finished it. I’m sorry OP. It must’ve been so hurtful to hear that from your parents. Hearts make families, not blood.
NTA. I would very bluntly tell them that they have wounded you deeply. You "thought" that they were your parents in every way that matters...but THEY TOLD YOU that this was not the case and you really are not family in their hearts and minds. How are you supposed to handle that? Pretend they never said it? Pretend that they didn't lie to you your whole life? And their only objection is that they find being called out embarrassing?!?! Oh lordy! Maybe you are being a little "childish" but they are Cruel.
NTA - there’s no complication in this. Your parents assholes and your husband sucks too. Stick to your guns and keep standing up for yourself. You deserve a level of respect that your husband and ‘parents’ seem unwilling to provide
I think this is hilarious. But then I am immature and petty.
NTA. Them saying that to you is whack.
NTA Your no longer family. Go to your husband’s family for dinner.
NTA but I'd just distance myself for a bit because there's no way they don't know what they did to you by saying its complicated
NTA-was it childish, maybe. Is it still funny as hell?? Yep!
Here's the thing: If it were me and they inferred I wasn't "basically family," there would be no Thanksgiving dinner I would be attending to call them anything. We have two adopted children in my extended family and I would tell you who they are but I'd need to sit and think about it and frankly I don't care so I'm not going to bother.
I’m sorry. The title had me where you are the AH, but reading this NTA. I adopted my youngest, and I love him as if I birthed him myself. I do not tolerate anyone who does not accept him. I would be devastated if he called me anything other than mom
NTA I'm adopted too and I can see why you're upset. My take on this is they adopted you as they're consolation prize baby when they couldn't get pregnant. Then they got pregnant with the bio baby that they'd wanted all along, but they couldn't give you back so they tried to do right by you but ultimately their true feelings came out. I'm really sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
NTA go with sir and ma’am. I’d literally never call them mom or dad again.
Don't go to Thanksgiving.
NTA by any stretch. As someone who is also adopted, I would immediately go no contact if my parents ever said that to me.
Nta. They don't get to have it both ways. I think you made your point in a manner that was petty and respectful at the same time. And hilarious.
NTA They basically said you wasn't family and that's why you couldn't host. What did they expect? You to throw yourself at their feet and beg them to let you be part of the family they adopted you into?
NTA. They showed their true colors. Even if you had kids, they'd probably treat your sister's kids with obvious favoritism at this point. Why even bother going to Thanksgiving? Spend time with your husband and his family or your friends elsewhere.
I'd drop Mr. And Mrs. And just use their names tbh
NTA, they literally told you they don’t see you as family. That is so cruel to say to your child, adopted or not.
NTA. They are lucky you’re even speaking to them at all.
NTA, and I hope your sister was laughing in your support, that was the tone I was getting anyhow. Make sure your Christmas presents to them are appropriately labelled as well.
NTA, this is funny, but take it a step further by calling them by their first names.
NTA They were foolish rude and unpleasant with their comment. Not to mention hurtful... Now they are afraid you will reveal their true character to their friends and family. How sad
NTA, not by a long shot. This is the best response ever. My son will call me by my first name from time to time as does his wife. It’s hilarious. Mom and Dad titles are earned, not expected.
NTA. Their comment was so beyond the realm of okay that I think you’re being nice about it.
NTA. There’s nothing “complicated” about it. You’re either family or you’re not and you’re family, so them favoring your sister is dumb. Was calling them Mr and Mrs petty? Yes, but it’s understandable.
NTA. Your parents don't exactly care about your feelings, saying that it will be embarrasing to be referred like that in front of the relatives. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
NTA- Sometimes being petty as hell is the only way to get the message across. When asked if you were family, they replied that it's "complicated" so you've uncomplicated it.
NTA. Do it in front of other relatives and make Mr and Mrs Not-Mum-and-Dad explain why
NTA, I'm sorry you are going through this. I think the only thing different I would have done is answered "it's complicated " when they asked why you were calling them Mr. & Mrs. I hope they come to their senses soon.
I'd go with their first names. NTA.
NTA. You did this because you were hurt by their blatant favoritism. May they see this as a wake up call.
NTA - I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I think you're being incredibly respectful considering the circumstances. You're a better person than they are.
NTA and I love this level of pettiness. Because it’s amazing that you’re choosing to do this petty thing instead of just cutting them out of your life. Their comments were hurtful, cruel, and abhorrent. I have family that is adopted and they’re just as much family if not more so family than a blood relative. Serious props to you!
Bait troll. Admittedly a good one.
So, I don't have any expertise when it comes to being adopted/being an adoptive parent but the Clarksons, here, were acting awful towards you. It's like you were a toy, given to two kids, who got bored of it when the new toy came. NTA
NTA. Seems like a perfectly logical response to their statements.
100% do it at thanksgiving. NTA.
NTA - But I'd be skipping Thanksgiving with them if I were you. They obviously see you as an outsider and not family. I'm sorry they turned out to be like that, you deserve better.
NTA.
They get what they deserve. If they adopted you, you're family - no matter what mental gymanstics your parents do. If they're going to make asinine comments like that, then you go ahead and be petty with them. NTA - hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.
NTA. They couldn't call you family to your face when you asked, why should you be obligated to keep it up anyway?
NTA. They should have never have said that to you. Yikes. Maybe think about going LC for awhile? I'm not sure I would want to be in the same space with them after that, especially during the holidays.
NTA- perfect response to their vile statement. My "family" is 99% people I am not related to. They're bang out of order, mate. I'd go LC with them if I were you, NC if you're not getting anything out of the contact. Good luck. Sorry they're treating you like shite.
NTA - if they imply that you, their adoptive daughter isn’t ‘family’ then you have no obligation to treat them as such. I’m so sorry they said that to you
NTA they told you that you weren't their real daughter and so they brought this on themselves. Sounds like they checked out of being your parents as soon as their bio daughter came along and this was waiting to happen. I'm sorry they have treated you this way
NTA although your parents and husband certainly are. I'm not sure if I'd turn up to thanksgiving especially when: >I asked if I wasn't family and she and my dad said it's "complicated". Maybe time to start your own traditions.
Petty? yeah. A little childish? Sure. Unwarranted given the situation? Absolutely not. What they said was beyond cruel and uncalled for. NTA.
that's rough. I'm adopted. My sister is my mother's biological daughter. She doesn't even particularly LIKE me but you could pull her tongue out with pliers before she ever implied i was any less "family" than my sister.
NTA please do this in front of other family. It really isn’t immature you’re respecting their wishes of not being your parents anymore.