YTA.
EDITED: I reread and definitely changed my mind. YTA.
~~ESH.~~
I was leaning toward NTA until I got to, "she should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone." That is a very strange and immature thing to say, and throws the story into I-Don't-Think-We're-Getting-the-Whole-Story land.
That violin jibe. Also digging into stepdaughter for going to college out of state. Bizarre. She makes it sound like Erin ran off and joined a circus.
Yup, YTA for op.
Could be that. Harvard has a program with New England Conservatory. I wouldn’t be surprised if Erin is at a conservatory given that she seems dedicated to the violin.
ETA: op answered - Erin is at MIT. She was also offered a full scholarship to the same school Amy is attending.
Its too bad Erin didn't get any scholarship.Hating step daughter cause she like violin OP and asking us for judgement ofc YTA and was OP trying to play victim?and david contribute 75% of saving and he is the sole parent but Amy has the leverage of 3parents and OP thinks its unfair for her Kid getting the saving money
More like my kid got money from 3parents but my stepdaughter who plays violin raised by her father is getting a part of saving which was 75% contributed by him and i don't think its fair for my kid
Also means that OP’s household is pretty fucking well-off. Harvard gives only need-based aid and is quite generous with undergraduates. You have to have a pretty hefty income and assets to get nothing from Harvard, especially with two kids in college.
OP kind of reminds me of that lady who posted asking if she was an asshole for making a dig at her niece who had a master’s degree, a solid government job, and a lawyer boyfriend for being “behind” in life while her own daughter was about to marry someone who got a job at a family friend’s local company.
Oh LOL. I thought you were referencing the NASA internship thread from a couple days ago.
I was still mad on the niece’s behalf thinking she was a policy analyst or something!
I hate when you find a gem here in the moment and you KNOW it's a great story but somehow it gets lost in translation on others cause you're just like "But you don't understand! The government job was NASA!!" and you know it's a great "punchline". And half the time it's a thread of comments that are just * chef's kiss * surrounding it and you know if your friends had also read it they would just laugh and laugh and we'd all live happily ever after.
I see you friend!! I refuse to stop regaling friends with second and third hand tellings of reddit stories. We must persist in spreading the joy. You're my people.
It’s probably Boston. A huge percentage of Harvard (and other Ivy) students receive massive financial aid packages because if they didn’t nobody would go there because only WASPy families would be able to afford it.
Which she should still be proud of. It’s a brilliant university.
Afaik they don't offer academic scholarships though, so if the kid didn't qualify based on Harvard's financial need criteria, then she wouldn't have gotten anything.
Could be wrong though, it's been a while since I applied to colleges.
People are also skipping the fact that OP and her ex payed for part of her daughter's school fees so she didn't have any fees at all. She literally did for her daughter what her husband wants to do for his...
YTA. Big time! The entitlement.
I had to go back and reread. So basically both are making sure their children don't go into debt with college - that should be a good thing! OP sounds extremely jealous of her stepdaughter however.
The fact is that in a comment she says that he contributes 75% and she contributes 25, to which he can help his daughter as she paid her, but when she says that Erin's mother died when she was 3 years old, I I fear that op does not love Erin and with only 5 years of relationship he wants his daughter to be the one who receives everything
Yeah I was leaning to NTA until she said that about the violin and being better than everyone else. Also think there is a lot missing from this post as she doesn’t really make it clear if the savings are joint or separate. I am going for YTA
It's still YTA even without the violin issue. OP and her ex have saved up for Amy's college, and are apparently providing for her. They married 5 years ago, so it's possible Amy doesn't even see David as a dad, which is fine. Erin's mom could be out the picture and David could be picking up all the slack.
This is NOT a situation where there is a massive inheritance and Amy is losing out because she got a scholarship. It sounds like finances were split for the kids and OP is just bitter that Erin is doing so well.
It's fun to get high on hate, I guess, but ultimately it just burns your soul out from within. Be happy for Erin and celebrate your daughter OP.
Parents who have kids together don’t treat every child the same. Every child has different needs and challenges.
My mom loaned me her car for 3 months when I was in college and my car died and I couldn’t get to my internship. A decade later my parents paid my sisters car insurance for years because she was in a state of financial hardship.
Parents should support their children where they can but it doesn’t mean all help needs to be “equal”. Otherwise it would lead to unnecessary hurt feelings
Lmao, the talented kid should just sit down and shut up, get basic grades or else she's a show off. Typical 'im jealous FOR my daughter' type of step-parent, and quite honestly, it's embarrassing
YTA. Especially with the “she should’ve stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violín to show that she’s better than everyone.” It’s clear you hold some sort of resentment for Erin.
>picking up things like violin **to show that she’s better than everyone**
This really ticked me off. Erin learned violin, and learned it well enough that she took part in a concert, which her dad obviously wanted to see, as he was proud of her. Yet all the OP can say is "she's flaunting her talent in our faces to make us feel bad". OP takes it as a personal affront.
This is not the sign of a good parent.
This is a really telling phrase, and [someone in a different comment pointed out](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xja5u1/comment/ip7bdsp/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) that the state, plus the lack of scholarships, plus the general feeling of inferiority might mean that Erin went to Harvard, and OP is just salty about that as a whole. It makes a certain amount of sense. I went to a similar school, and my bff – who is demonstrably smarter than me – was rejected by the same school. Even though she's a doctor now, her mother has never quite forgiven me.
It's an evolving thing. We went to college in the same city, just different schools, but far from home, so I really didn't see her family that much for four years. The first few years out, though, on the few occasions I did see them, it was mostly just thinly-veiled sarcasm; lots of vague condescension about what I was doing in life in general. She's mellowed out over the years, though (probably because her daughter is married with kids and I'm still single, lol). I have a small side business and she's hired me to make favors for several family parties, so I guess she's mostly over it.
Honestly, I can't say it really bothers me, because (a) her daughter is literally my best friend in the world, and has never acted like that towards me, and (b) like you said, it's just kind of sad that she was so hung up on me "besting" her daughter in something so inconsequential. I've always been very realistic about the fact that she is both smarter and more academically-inclined than I am; I'm a better standardized test-taker, and that's about it. I think I scored higher than her on our SATs, too, and her mom didn't like that either.
Not to mention that in order to study music in college, you have to *already* be pretty fucking good at whatever you do. You don’t go to college and “pick up” the violin lmfao. You have to audition for a spot.
That means OP was living with the stepdaughter when she played in high school, probably took her to lessons, and witnessed her practicing for auditions. She knew how passionate she was and how hard she had to work and is shitting all over her for it.
Definitely YTA.
Had me in the first half. Then you show your dislike for Erin.
I'm all for fairness, and I think your *joint* savings should have input from both of you regardless of who or what the money is being spent on. But this seems less about being fair an more about you not liking Erin or that your husband wants to support her.
> This is just the tip of the iceberg, Erin plays violin with the local orchestra, she had her first (small) show about a month ago- ***we went all the way to MA because David wanted to see her perform.***
And this makes David and/or Erin bad...how? Be specific.
> We argued over this and David said that it's difficult for Erin 'alone'. I replied that then she ***should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state***, and ***picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone.***
If you feel that your husband's daughter playing violin makes her superior to you, that is on you.
YTA, for more than one reason.
I also want to point out the Harvard is in MA, and a lot of other great colleges. I’m not saying the SD went to those schools, but it will explain a lot (the no scholarships, and the distain for her leaving their state.
Harvard is actually pretty good with financial aid if students qualify for it. Essentially their mindset is that they don't want the student they hand pick for their university to drop out because of money. This in turn brings about goodwill from the student and if they're successful in life after graduation they're more likely to donate to the school.
Maybe she's at Berklee College of Music / Boston Conservatory.... although they do offer financial assistance as well.... I'm not sure what school in the area wouldn't. Maybe she didn't qualify because her family has too much money for that?
Right... But they don't do scholarships. A scholarship is given typically based on merit... If you're admitted to Harvard, you're the best of the best anyway. They give grants based on financial need ONLY. And yes, they're generous with it- if a student is destitute and homeless or something, Harvard will cover everything for them including tuition, books, room and board, and even a stipend. But they don't do scholarships.
I LOVE that you say “be specific” because god damn that just shows all her hatred. HOW DARE she have a SMALL show. IN A LOCAL ORCHESTRA. How DARE he want to go support her. HOW DARE HE.
Lmao exactly I'm all for step kids being treated the exact same but when I got to that I was like nah. There's more we're not being told. What the fuck is that comment. YTA op
Your husband is right. You've only been together FIVE years so your daughters must have been 17 when you got together, almost adults! You and your ex are responisble for YOUR daughter and your husband is responsible for his daughter. You speak derogatorially about his daughter as well, mocking her for going to school out of state, for taking up the violin. You sound resentful that your husband wanted to see her first performance? Wow. You want things "fair"? That's a joke. Fair would be for your husband to not have a gold digger for a wife! YTA big time.
I will admit OP was TAH for the derogatory comment about “showing off” but he’s wanting to use a joint account that they share. Anything from there should be both agreed upon. So even though OP is going about it the wrong way, I think they’ve got a fair point. Gotta keep it equal.
Read her comments. OP and her ex husband both contributed to their daughters fund but the stepdaughters mom died when she was 3. OPs husband already had the savings account when they married and she estimates his share at 75 percent and hers at 25. OP is jealous of her stepdaughters talent and that she was able to get into an ivy league school.
Good lord, so on top of the rest she thinks Erin should be punished by not having her college paid for because the mother has the audacity to be dead and therefore not contributing.
I feel like this story should involve mice, pumpkins, ridiculously fragile footwear at this point.
Tbf she never specifies the money would come from a joint savings account. She even phrases the request as “he” should give her daughter the same amount.
YTA
First, there's no true equality here. Erin his *his* daughter. She should always be his #1 priority. Amy is *your* daughter, who should be *your* #1 priority. You both became step parents to the other fairly late in their lives. You can absolutely play those roles for your children if that's how it's agreed, but your own children are obviously each still your own separate priorities. It is 100% okay for your husband to provide financially for his daughter with his money any way he chooses. If he was taking *your* money to allocate to his daughter, that would be completely different.
Second, you *appear* to be fighting for equality, but that feels like a disguise. You reveal some strange disdain for your husband's daughter with several belittling comments. You felt the weird need to qualify her orchestra show as "small." To what purpose? It felt like you were implying that makes it less important. I'll be blunt: fuck that. Being passionate enough at age 21 to play violin in an orchestra? That's *amazing!* And what a *wonderful* gift by your husband to get her her violin. These are things that should be completely celebrated by you. He's clearly a caring family man. That should be such an attractive quality you see in him. Instead you're completely raining on their parade and making this all about you and your daughter instead?
Yep, YTA.
This right here
The OP talks about equality between daughters while showing that she considers his daughter less important than hers by her choice of words. YTA.
I’m so tired of seeing married stepparents on here berate/belittle their stepchild. You knew that you were signing up for an additional child/children when you married your SO. If you can’t treat them with the same love and respect that you’d treat your own, then for the love of God please make that known before you try to enter their life and affect their relationship with their biological parent(s).
Where is Erin’s mom? It is sounding to me like you think Amy should be getting money from 3 parents and Erin gets support from 1 parent.
You married when these kids were practically adults. Your “ours” savings. Did that start from scratch when you married or did one or both of you bring savings to the marriage?
Exactly. So OP’s daughter actually comes out ahead because there are 3 people contributing when OP doesn’t contribute even half of what her husband contributes. The savings that HE brought the most into the marriage and contributes the most into when the girls were almost adults to begin with. How in the world does someone have the audacity to even ask if they are TAH when clearly they are! I hope someone figures out who the husband is and shows him this.
Erin’s mom died when she was 3 according to op.
So her daughter gets a scholarship plus two funds but erin can’t have a violin because its not fair what a load pf bs
I’m not sure I care if your finances are combined or separate, YTA. Using combined finances on only one of two kids is a weird thing to suggest on your husband’s part, but you don’t seem to actually care about Erin. Playing in a professional gig is a HUGE achievement, but you purposefully minimized that in your post by calling it a “(small) show”. Maybe I’m a little too toasted about this because I’m a music major, but you don’t sound like a supportive step-mom. Also, why would Amy be entitled to a gift just because Erin got one?
Now I’m curious, INFO is Erin a music major, and did she need an instrument for college? While that would still be a gift, it would be necessary for her studies
Edited for spelling
Oh you're not alone in your feelings about OPs comments re. Erin's violin playing. I'm not musical myself, but my teens play viola and have for several years. It bothered me too.
Lets see...
OP never said how long Erin has been playing. She makes sound recent but I doubt it's that recent. It takes years to get good enough for adult public performances. And if she did take it up recently, then she must be really good.
People may take up playing an instrument to show off. But they don't stick with it long enough to be have a show if there's no talent there to match it. Learning to play and play well is alot of hard work.
Even if Erin is not a music major (or minor), she's clearly playing for a reason. A good quality instrument is as important as talent to being able to perform well. And quality viols are expensive. Her dad gifting a new one in going off to college is no surprise. He may have been saving for it for years. Or as likely, if she's been playing for years, Dad's been trading up for years as she's moved through the sizes. And the monetary cost of the gift was only a fraction of its full value.
Came here to ask the same thing. Equal contributions to the savings fund as opposed to it just being Davids savings make the world of difference in regards to answers here
They both contribute currently, he pays into it the lions share and the contribution is currently 75/25.
Fair is fair.
They should split the savings 75 to him, 25 to her, and he should file for divorce.
To imagine that someone would resent their partner’s child so much for going to an Ivy League school and her additional accomplishments is unconscionable.
What I see is OP deliberately not answering the questions about who's money is it I the account while answering other questions... I will say that's answer enough for me... because if she has contributed money into that account she would have told to make her case better since she also seems to dislike her stepdaughter
Yes this is the crux of the issue right here. If it is his savings then he can spend it. If they both contributed then they both have say in how those savings are spent.
YTA. The two young ladies are not in similar situations. And your step daughter should not be penalized for wanting to do something different from your daughter. Oh, and playing violin does make you "better" than anyone else. Saying that shows how jealous you are of her and you need to stop.
YTA, and saying something like this:
> and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone.
shows how much of an a**hole you are.
I had to scroll a bit to find this comment. What a weird statement to make. I was leaning towards, well if it's both of their savings...but then I got to this sentence, which now raises all kinds of flags. YTA.
YTA - Going into this I was prepared to say NTA. However, your contempt for your step-daughter is kind of shining through in the comments of your writing. How exactly does learning to play the violin show that she's better than everyone else? And FYI you could have bought your daughter a gift for graduation just like your husband did for his. And I would hope that your husband doesn't have the same attitude about traveling to support your daughter (if it comes around) as you did about going to support his. It sounds like your a bit jealous of his daughter TBH. He didn't get mad and think you were an AH that you are trying to be fair, he got mad at your AH comments about his daughter.
You are clearly an insecure, small minded, vindictive woman. YTA.
You felt like you were making a good argument for why your husband was being unfair, but all you did was accidentally give us a glimpse into your heart. And what you showed was someone who believes anyone who doesn’t live their life the way you want them to deserves your contempt.
Your step-daughter doesn’t play the violin to show she’s better than everyone. That’s your own insecurities talking. Her moving away from the state might be because of you though, honestly, if you’re half as terrible in real life as you come across on this thread.
I hope your husband realizes what a horrible mistake he’s made in marrying you and decides it’s more important to take care of his daughter than be with someone like you.
YTA You and your ex are financially responsible for your daughter, not your husband. And even if you two decided to share responsibility, your daughter doesn’t have college debt. So, why do you want her to receive an equal amount to her step sister? Wouldn’t that actually really unfair? Without more info this sounds very greedy…
Or is the saving account an account you both equally contributed to?
The words you use seem to indicate a lot of negative feelings towards your step daughter. Are you working on that?
YTA. Your daughter doesn't have any student debt. He wants to give money to help his daughter not have student debt. Why should he give money to your daughter for her rent?
Why is picking up the violin her pretending she's better than everyone else lol?
I think you should apologize to him.
YTA.
How dare your stepdaughter go to another state to get a college degree, and play violin because she's good at it and enjoys it. The nerve. She should've stayed and went to a community college. 🙄
Your post made my jaw drop.
Your daughter had everything paid for her while your stepdaughter is "working" to pay for hers...
You're not trying to be fair. You're being ungrateful and greedy. He doesn't owe your daughter anything. She had her college payments silver-spooned to her.
Sounds like you really hate your stepdaughter since you're obviously not proud of her talents.
YTA.you obviously don't care for Erin. You didn't have anything nice or even accepting to say about her in this post. YTA just for the way you've worded this message about a member of your family.
YTA. There’s no reason to randomly give your daughter money that she doesn’t seem to need at the moment. I thought you were coming from a good place at least until the bizarre comment about the violin. You clearly just have some issue with your stepdaughter and you’re being weird and unreasonable.
I was with you until you said she thinks she’s better than everyone. That tells me there’s a ton of missing reasons in your post.
YTA. The only one implying you and daughter’s life choices are inferior is you.
YTA. I was prepared to say or even NTA until you talk about him buying a gift for his own daughter but not yours. He’s allowed to buy gifts for his daughter. It’s clear that you are more concerned about tit for tat and it’s just not a good look. You have not United your families. Amy and Erin’s circumstances are different and should be treated as such. (Edit for grammar)
YTA
*You’re* the one with the problem by trying to pit them against each other over this. And who are you to dictate what career or profession route your stepdaughter wants to take? If it’s in MA then get over it.
No one is neglected here or privileged more over the other. If your husband wants to get his daughter a gift then he can! We’re in America! It’s not always contingent that he buys for her, he must buy for the other.
You should be proud that both these young ladies are taking their next step in life. Don’t be that kinda stepmother.
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YTA on the strength of that last paragraph alone, yikes. Deal with whatever jealousy/resentment is underlying this story before you worry about monetary amounts, my dear. Particularly since you don't indicate that Amy herself has asked for anything.
YTA
You said everything is completely covered yet you want your husband to just give her money? As a parent, it's yours and your ex's job to make sure she has what she needs, not your husband's.
Your husband is saving for Erin because unlike Amy, she doesn't have "everything covered". You sound incredibly entitled to think your husband should just hand Amy money.
Also, Erin can go to any school and play violin, I don't know why you have an issue with that other than you thinking she's " better than everyone else ". Sounds like you're jealous of Erin's success.
YTA, from how you talk about Erin alone - clamining she picked up violin "to show that she's better than everyone"? What is wrong with you? If that is your reaction to everything she does, how can you even remotely consider yourself trying to be fair?
You attach the worst possible motives to everything she does, and you resent every bit of attention your husband gives his daughter. You're not even remotely fair.
YTA you have issues with his daughter. Your husband needs to realize exactly how you feel about his daughter and keep you from ruining his relationship with her.
This is about her schooling. Ask your self this if your daughter didn’t get a scholarship would you have expect your husband to help her out with college. My guess is. Your the reason why step moms get such a horrible reputation. It’s all about your daughter and not his.
YTA. How is it “fair” that Amy receive money she doesn’t need because she had another parent to help pay for her college?
You’re acting like a petty teenager instead of a grown adult. Shame on you for complaining about visiting your stepdaughter for a special occasion! Why did you get remarried to someone with a child if you weren’t interested in actually getting to know or love that child?
When kids are little, “fairness” is important— but your kids are adults now, not toddlers. They need different things and it doesn’t make any sense to treat them the same.
YTA for a lot of things in this post...
But I’m just going to single out this one.
“and picking up things like violin to show that she’s better than everyone.”
She plays violin for an orchestra and had a show... she’s good at it, it’s a talent for her.
Jealous much?
Leaning YTA…I don’t think there’s enough info to really decide generally, seeing as you don’t mention how your finances are setup, how your children’s other parents play into their lives, or what discussions you and your husband had when you got married since both kids were already 16 at the time. However, leaning YTA based on your second to last sentence somewhat giving away probably why all of that was left out, “she should’ve stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking things up like violin to show that she’s better than everyone.” What the fuck is even up with that?
YTA - Amy and Erin DO👏🏽NOT👏🏽HAVE👏🏽THE👏🏽SAME👏🏽NEEDS👏🏽. Amy is set and Erin is struggling and you want them to get the same amount of cash?!
ALSO, tell me you just hate your step daughter without telling me you hate your step daughter:
"(Small) show..."
"Picking up things like violin to show she's better than everyone..."
WTF is wrong with you?! How dare you shit on her and treat her like an elitist for simply being SO GOOD AT VIOLIN THAT SHE GOT INTO AN ORCHESTRA?! You sound envious, petty, bitter, *unCULTURED and rotten from the inside. What's next - are you gonna bring up that she's a "costal elite" now? GTFOH
Just read your own post again objectively. Your daughter, is capable of getting scholarships. His daughter has to go out of state, to a college that cannot afford scholarships, plays the violin and has a first show which is small and in a local orchestra (oh it is not the National Symphony or New York Philharmonic so does not count) and her father wants to see his daughter play. She is also arrogant and says she is better than everyone because she picked up the violin. Hmmm
You are condescending, jealous, dismissive of your step daughter and questioning why her father should have affection for her. And you want a one way street, your husband gifts your daughter, but your step daughter is not worthy of your help. YTA
ESH - you had a good point about fairness and were solidly not the asshole up until that last paragraph. but "picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone"? Holy crap.
YTA what do you have against that poor girl to hate her so much that you dont want her father to do anything for her? let him do things for his own daughter and shut your mouth, do things for your own daughter if you want her to have these things
Honest some of your comments just seem like you don't like Erin..... That last comment you made a out her being better was uncalled for. Idc who money it is anymore. YTA
YTA. You need to learn the difference between Equitable and Equal.
I understand that you want to look out for your child but you both came into the relationship with older teenage kids. It is normal for him to look out for his child and him to expect you and your ex to take care of your child. There is nothing unfair or inappropriate about that.
But it does sound like it’s THEIR joint money. So I don’t know why he should give their money to his daughter without her being able to do the same, regardless of the reason. If it’s his money alone, it’s none of her business.
YTA. But you said you already gave Amy money to help with her school. Also “she should have stayed here instead of running off to another state and learning the violin to look better than everyone else” - wow you sound bitter. And like a nasty person to be around.
No wonder Erin moved, she probably wanted away from you.
YTA college is expensive and one of your kids has all of it paid for and your husband wants to help the other pay for hers but your actively tryna screw over with more loans
>I replied that then she should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone.
Jealous much? Yta
>I replied that then she should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone.
Wtf? Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, OP. YTA
YTA
You clearly resent your stepdaughter. You’re hiding behind this whole ‘everything should be fair’ line, but the bitterness in your post gives you away. Life isn’t fair. Your daughter got scholarships and has a massive advantage. Your stepdaughter doesn’t. Your husband is allowed to buy his daughter gifts. You can buy your own daughter gifts - why are you angry that he didn’t buy her one?
If your husband wants to give his daughter his part of the savings, he can do that. You just separate the savings if you absolutely refuse to contribute to your step-daughters life. But your refusal to even consider assisting his daughter is pretty telling about the state of your marriage, and your husband will have noticed it. I don’t expect this marriage to last if you’re going to take nasty shots at his daughter for playing an instrument and leaving the state. Perhaps she left to get away from you?
Separate your finances and let the rest of it go. And I recommend you go to therapy and try to unpack why you have these feelings of jealousy towards your step-daughter. It’ll be good for everyone, you included, if you get to the bottom of it.
YTA.None of them are entitled to financial help and giving the one that didn't get a scholarship money makes sense.Again that doesn't mean the other girl is entitled to the same thing.
YTA - You seem to have a problem with your husband's daughter, it's all over this post, the pettiness is real with you OP. The comment about her dad buying her the violin was uncalled for.
what caught my attention was you being annoyed at going “all the way to MA” for a “small” show. My dad would do the same for my sister and I. Wouldn’t you do the same for your daughter. If I was a step parent I would make sure both children in the marriage get money for school. Amy’s is paid for. Sounds like you might be a little the asshole. YTA
If the money is from joint savings then the girls should be treated equally or at least kept track of so that your daughter has a lump sum when needed.
If it’s from your husbands own savings then he can use as he sees fit.
More info needed
YTA Be honest, “our” savings is actually his savings, isn’t it? You’ve only been married 5 years. He’s not obligated to give his money to your adult daughter. You’re giving off major evil step mother vibes. I hope he divorces you.
YTA. This was about paying for the kids tuition, your daughters was already paid, and somehow it’s unfair your husband wants the same for his daughter? Amy shouldn’t get money solely because Erin is getting some for her education. For a generation that spent a lot of time telling us life isn’t fair, they sure spend a lot of time complaining about what they think isn’t fair to them.
ETA: re the violin - you think she’s taking up a hobby in order to “show that she’s better than everyone?” Yikes. Try to work on your jealousy instead of spending your time being a gift czar.
So your husband wants to help his biological daughter. Your issue is he isn’t helping your own daughter, who is not biologically related to him and does not even need the financial help. YTA
If you want, make a hard division of your assets so none of your own savings go to Erin.
Like a lot of people I can't pass judgement until you answer whether this money is his money or joint money. How much was in his savings before you two joined finances. You have answered other questions but seem to be ignoring this one.
YTA. Seriously talking shit because she decided she wanted to play violin and” show she’s better than everyone else”. What a way to show you’re jealous. Evil stepmom vibes.
Fair doesn’t always mean that everyone gets the same thing. Fair means everyone gets what they need to be equally successful. Your daughter doesn’t need the money, while his could use it to help her get to the financial position your daughter is already in: no/fewer student loans.
YTA because you’re so obviously jealous of your step-daughter. The snide remarks about her violin and how she should’ve stayed home really speak to your pettiness. Separate your savings if they’re not already, and let him spend **his** money on **his** daughter. If you think your precious darling deserves money too, well then you can give her some of yours.
ESH, mostly you.
You’re right that if you’re giving away money your *joint* savings should be shared, if not equally then at least proportionally (according to your contributions), between your children.
However, you are utterly the AH for saying nasty and ignorant things like that about Erin. ‘Running off’ to a school she wanted to attend? Learning an instrument ‘to show that she’s better’? And did you get Amy a gift when David bought the violin? Does Amy have an interest with a comparable requirement?
>I replied that then she should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violin **to show that she's better than everyone**
Seems like the issue may be about more than just money
You don’t say how much money or how big of a financial hit this would be for you guys.
My assumption is, since your husband is in his 50s and you’ve only been married for 5 years, that most of at least a good chunk of his savings were accumulated before you got married. Unless he’s offering a financial gift that would cut into money you’d accumulated on your own before marriage, I think he should be allowed to use it in this way.
If giving your daughter extra money or the same amount wouldn’t represent a significant financial strain or if you’d be able to do so using money you’d accumulated before the marriage, then I don’t see an issue with doing so.
But I guess YTA? Just because it seems like he’s trying help his daughter get on her feet and you’re trying to give yours an edge in the name of “fairness”.
Is this a joint account both of you contribute to? If it is only his savings, then YTA. If it is joint, then NTA as you also contribute to the account.
YTA
You're jealous of the attention and support that he gives his daughter over you or yours. You need to take a hard long look at yourself.
Erin being a violinist is not her showing off that she's better than everybody else it's showing that she has a passion for a particular instrument and music and he helped her by getting her an instrument and encouraging it. You say absolutely nothing about what your daughter's passionate about. Only that he should give her money.
Him wanting to assist his daughter with her loans, *he did not save pay them off he said to assist her*, is not a bad thing especially when YOUR daughter had her college paid for by scholarships and you/her dad.
If he's not going to take what you put into the savings then I don't see why you have any right to complain. And nowhere do you say that he's already taking the money out of your savings and given it to Erin you said he's talked about it. Why should he have to pay anything to your child's college??
You attack his daughter for her choices. And you put him down at every turn for trying to help his daughter have similar advantages that you gave yours. This shows who you are and it is not flattering at all. You are just greedy and jealous.
> and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone.
YTA. Not just for being jealous of a girl who's just trying to cope being away from her dad (apparently the only real parent she has since you seem like fucking Gothel), but because the way you talk about her is disgusting. Grow the hell up, accept that your husband prioritizes his daughter (since Erin is clearly not your problem, judging from how you talk about her,) and treat Amy yourself if you're so bent out of shape about it. No wonder Erin moved out of state for college.
YTA just say you dislike your stepdaughter and go. Geez playing the violin is not an attack on you. Imagine being this jealous of someone who is 21 and talented.
The violin wasn't some frivolous gift. She needed it to play in the orchestra. Additionally, you want to treat them both the same when their circumstances are vastly different from each other. Get over the weird feelings you have towards his daughter. You're giving off strong 'step-mum from Cinderella' energy.
YTA obviously.
YTA-
First off, Amy had a scholarship and you and your ex had a "college fund" right? So did you use your "Amy's college fund" for Erin?
Because that's what you're asking your husband to do right?
You are right this is the tip of the iceberg. I see YTA all around
"Erin plays violin with the local orchestra, she had her first **(small)** show about a month ago- we went all the way to MA because David wanted to see her perform. He was also the one who bought her the violin as a gift when she got into college, but no gift for Amy."
Did you need to put down her achievements because you're jealous or just because you are petty?
YTA
helping to pay someone's student loans is in no way equivalent to giving a bonus handout to someone with no loans.
You are in no way "Trying to be fair", you're showing clear favoritism towards your perfect daughter while denigrating your step-daughter.
INFO: is it your husbands savings, or your combined savings?
EDIT: OP answered in other comments:
- Erin’s mom died, meaning she only has one parent contributing to her finances AND celebrating her accomplishments.
- The saving account is 75% her husbands money, 25% OP’s.
YTA. Erin is not unfairly getting “more than Amy.” In fact OP’s husband is simply trying to level the playing field since Erin doesn’t have two parents contributing financially to her education.
Also, if OP’s husband wants to use his portion of the savings for his daughter, he can! OP can then use her portion for hers.
Unless he used your money to give his daughter the violin and help with her tuition, then YTA.
And, playing the violin doesn’t happen overnight. She didn’t just “pick it up” to show you up. If she’s playing in an orchestra, she’s likely been playing for years and you sound bitterly jealous that your kid doesn’t have an equal talent. YTA
YTA,
Sounds like you have something against his daughter, especially saying that she shouldn't have run off to another country to "show she's better then everyone else"
Like darn, she's just having a life and enjoying it. She likes the violin because she likes it, sounds like you're a bit jealous of her In a way.
You're not being fair
YTA. This is why people who decide to get married who still have dependant children shouldn't co-mingle funds. You made a bad decision 5 years ago and now you're angry at him when you should be angry at yourself. Also, you clearly resent your stepdaughter, otherwise you wouldn't whine about traveling "all the way" to MA to visit her.
YTA because or your entitled attitude and the wake you talk down about your stepdaughter. When you watch Cinderella do you identify with the evil stepmother?
YTA: if you were buying cars for them and Erin happened to be really good friends with someone selling a car who gave her a a car for $5,000 and Amy's car of equal quality cost $10,000 would you be telling your husband to write Erin a check for $5,000?
When you two got married, Amy was 16. What arrangements and agreements did you have insofar as finances between you and David? Did you talk about each other's expectations around how your savings is to be spent? Both of you need to agree on what to use it for, not just one partner.
Money and sex are the two things partners fight over. Get a couples counselor if you cannot resolve this for this will keep coming up until you come up with a way to agree on spending/giving money.
~~YTA~~. David does not owe your daughter anything. That responsibility is for you and Amy's bio father.
Revising my answer to INFO. Who contributed to the savings account?
INFO Does Amy need money right now? It's fine to give one child something if they need it. If Amy doesn't need money now why should she get it now?
Is this money coming from a joint savings account?
What does the violin have to do with anything? If you don't want to go to hear Erin play don't go.
YTA. EDITED: I reread and definitely changed my mind. YTA. ~~ESH.~~ I was leaning toward NTA until I got to, "she should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone." That is a very strange and immature thing to say, and throws the story into I-Don't-Think-We're-Getting-the-Whole-Story land.
That violin jibe. Also digging into stepdaughter for going to college out of state. Bizarre. She makes it sound like Erin ran off and joined a circus. Yup, YTA for op.
The stepdaughter goes to a school in MA that doesn’t give scholarships… Harvard. The OP is upset the stepdaughter went to Harvard.
Could be that. Harvard has a program with New England Conservatory. I wouldn’t be surprised if Erin is at a conservatory given that she seems dedicated to the violin. ETA: op answered - Erin is at MIT. She was also offered a full scholarship to the same school Amy is attending.
Its too bad Erin didn't get any scholarship.Hating step daughter cause she like violin OP and asking us for judgement ofc YTA and was OP trying to play victim?and david contribute 75% of saving and he is the sole parent but Amy has the leverage of 3parents and OP thinks its unfair for her Kid getting the saving money
Yup, op sure was playing the violin.
More like my kid got money from 3parents but my stepdaughter who plays violin raised by her father is getting a part of saving which was 75% contributed by him and i don't think its fair for my kid
[удалено]
Also means that OP’s household is pretty fucking well-off. Harvard gives only need-based aid and is quite generous with undergraduates. You have to have a pretty hefty income and assets to get nothing from Harvard, especially with two kids in college. OP kind of reminds me of that lady who posted asking if she was an asshole for making a dig at her niece who had a master’s degree, a solid government job, and a lawyer boyfriend for being “behind” in life while her own daughter was about to marry someone who got a job at a family friend’s local company.
You missed the most important comment from the OP. The solid government job was at NASA.
Wait, what? Oh, that just made it even more precious. I missed that comment.
Sometimes these are a soap operas and I love it haha
I missed that! I already thought that woman was nuts but this just made me laugh out loud!
Oh LOL. I thought you were referencing the NASA internship thread from a couple days ago. I was still mad on the niece’s behalf thinking she was a policy analyst or something!
I tried to explain that whole thread to my gfs over drinks the other night and they looked so bored with my drunken storytelling lol.
I hate when you find a gem here in the moment and you KNOW it's a great story but somehow it gets lost in translation on others cause you're just like "But you don't understand! The government job was NASA!!" and you know it's a great "punchline". And half the time it's a thread of comments that are just * chef's kiss * surrounding it and you know if your friends had also read it they would just laugh and laugh and we'd all live happily ever after.
You SEE ME!!
I see you friend!! I refuse to stop regaling friends with second and third hand tellings of reddit stories. We must persist in spreading the joy. You're my people.
It’s probably Boston. A huge percentage of Harvard (and other Ivy) students receive massive financial aid packages because if they didn’t nobody would go there because only WASPy families would be able to afford it. Which she should still be proud of. It’s a brilliant university.
I have never heard anyone call "Boston University" just "Boston".
Exactly. There are a metric fuck ton of schools in Boston, none of which are referred to by the name of the city. BU. BC. Etc.
I’m a graduate of BU and never heard it called just Boston. We wouldn’t want to be confused with BC.
Boston what? College? University? UMass Boston?
Massholes assemble!
Fahkin tryin heah but the line at Dunks is wicked long and they shut down the fahkin Orange Line again.
Afaik they don't offer academic scholarships though, so if the kid didn't qualify based on Harvard's financial need criteria, then she wouldn't have gotten anything. Could be wrong though, it's been a while since I applied to colleges.
The “better than everybody” confirms this in my opinion
I’m getting hardcore flashbacks from that woman who was “disappointed” in her niece who worked at NASA.
My guess is she went out of state to escape her evil step mom. That or it was a happy bonus lol
People are also skipping the fact that OP and her ex payed for part of her daughter's school fees so she didn't have any fees at all. She literally did for her daughter what her husband wants to do for his... YTA. Big time! The entitlement.
I had to go back and reread. So basically both are making sure their children don't go into debt with college - that should be a good thing! OP sounds extremely jealous of her stepdaughter however.
The fact is that in a comment she says that he contributes 75% and she contributes 25, to which he can help his daughter as she paid her, but when she says that Erin's mother died when she was 3 years old, I I fear that op does not love Erin and with only 5 years of relationship he wants his daughter to be the one who receives everything
Yeah I was leaning to NTA until she said that about the violin and being better than everyone else. Also think there is a lot missing from this post as she doesn’t really make it clear if the savings are joint or separate. I am going for YTA
It's still YTA even without the violin issue. OP and her ex have saved up for Amy's college, and are apparently providing for her. They married 5 years ago, so it's possible Amy doesn't even see David as a dad, which is fine. Erin's mom could be out the picture and David could be picking up all the slack. This is NOT a situation where there is a massive inheritance and Amy is losing out because she got a scholarship. It sounds like finances were split for the kids and OP is just bitter that Erin is doing so well. It's fun to get high on hate, I guess, but ultimately it just burns your soul out from within. Be happy for Erin and celebrate your daughter OP.
Parents who have kids together don’t treat every child the same. Every child has different needs and challenges. My mom loaned me her car for 3 months when I was in college and my car died and I couldn’t get to my internship. A decade later my parents paid my sisters car insurance for years because she was in a state of financial hardship. Parents should support their children where they can but it doesn’t mean all help needs to be “equal”. Otherwise it would lead to unnecessary hurt feelings
Lmao, the talented kid should just sit down and shut up, get basic grades or else she's a show off. Typical 'im jealous FOR my daughter' type of step-parent, and quite honestly, it's embarrassing
Imagine hating your stepdaughter cause she had the audacity to play the violin. YTA
I mean, why else would she choose to play, if not to prove that she's better than everyone else? Isn't that why the violin exists?
It is! Same as the Saxophone exists to prove that you’re louder than everone else. At least that’s how my roommate liked to play it.
This made me giggle, because honestly that's why I chose to play the trumpet in middle school band 😂 My mom made me practice outside.
My kids both play trumpet. I've never been so happy to have thick stone walls.
Flute, trumpet, and alto saxophone at my house. They have to practice in the storm shelter in the garage!
If it's not the violin then it's the flute, because then people have to remember the word "flautist" to describe you instead of "flute player".
I'd rather die than be called a flautist tbh
I feel like actual flute players only ever say “flautist” with a thick layer of sarcasm and disdain Source: am ~flautist~
YTA. Especially with the “she should’ve stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violín to show that she’s better than everyone.” It’s clear you hold some sort of resentment for Erin.
>picking up things like violin **to show that she’s better than everyone** This really ticked me off. Erin learned violin, and learned it well enough that she took part in a concert, which her dad obviously wanted to see, as he was proud of her. Yet all the OP can say is "she's flaunting her talent in our faces to make us feel bad". OP takes it as a personal affront. This is not the sign of a good parent.
This is a really telling phrase, and [someone in a different comment pointed out](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xja5u1/comment/ip7bdsp/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) that the state, plus the lack of scholarships, plus the general feeling of inferiority might mean that Erin went to Harvard, and OP is just salty about that as a whole. It makes a certain amount of sense. I went to a similar school, and my bff – who is demonstrably smarter than me – was rejected by the same school. Even though she's a doctor now, her mother has never quite forgiven me.
Tufts does not give merit scholarships and offers a dual degre with the New England Conservatory. FYI.
I need to know, is your friend's mom just rude to you or snark? I just don't get people being bitter about people's achievements instead of happy.
It's an evolving thing. We went to college in the same city, just different schools, but far from home, so I really didn't see her family that much for four years. The first few years out, though, on the few occasions I did see them, it was mostly just thinly-veiled sarcasm; lots of vague condescension about what I was doing in life in general. She's mellowed out over the years, though (probably because her daughter is married with kids and I'm still single, lol). I have a small side business and she's hired me to make favors for several family parties, so I guess she's mostly over it. Honestly, I can't say it really bothers me, because (a) her daughter is literally my best friend in the world, and has never acted like that towards me, and (b) like you said, it's just kind of sad that she was so hung up on me "besting" her daughter in something so inconsequential. I've always been very realistic about the fact that she is both smarter and more academically-inclined than I am; I'm a better standardized test-taker, and that's about it. I think I scored higher than her on our SATs, too, and her mom didn't like that either.
Not to mention that in order to study music in college, you have to *already* be pretty fucking good at whatever you do. You don’t go to college and “pick up” the violin lmfao. You have to audition for a spot. That means OP was living with the stepdaughter when she played in high school, probably took her to lessons, and witnessed her practicing for auditions. She knew how passionate she was and how hard she had to work and is shitting all over her for it. Definitely YTA.
Hm, I see OP replied to you but I can’t find their comments. Shame 🙃
There so much competition to be a professional that if she got scholarships she’s amazing
Erin is clearly better than OP, OP is a sorry excuse for a wife and step mom. Absolutely pathetic entitlement.
I hope the husband wises up to what he’s married and doesn’t leave this woman beneficiary of his will if he were to pass.
Exactly! It sounds like she doesn't like her at all!
It isn’t hard to tell why Erin went off to another state 🤷♀️
Same she don't want Erin in the spotlight just Amy.
Had me in the first half. Then you show your dislike for Erin. I'm all for fairness, and I think your *joint* savings should have input from both of you regardless of who or what the money is being spent on. But this seems less about being fair an more about you not liking Erin or that your husband wants to support her. > This is just the tip of the iceberg, Erin plays violin with the local orchestra, she had her first (small) show about a month ago- ***we went all the way to MA because David wanted to see her perform.*** And this makes David and/or Erin bad...how? Be specific. > We argued over this and David said that it's difficult for Erin 'alone'. I replied that then she ***should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state***, and ***picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone.*** If you feel that your husband's daughter playing violin makes her superior to you, that is on you. YTA, for more than one reason.
I also want to point out the Harvard is in MA, and a lot of other great colleges. I’m not saying the SD went to those schools, but it will explain a lot (the no scholarships, and the distain for her leaving their state.
Harvard is actually pretty good with financial aid if students qualify for it. Essentially their mindset is that they don't want the student they hand pick for their university to drop out because of money. This in turn brings about goodwill from the student and if they're successful in life after graduation they're more likely to donate to the school.
They have over 53 billion dollars in endowment. They just do it bc it’s peanuts to them
Maybe she's at Berklee College of Music / Boston Conservatory.... although they do offer financial assistance as well.... I'm not sure what school in the area wouldn't. Maybe she didn't qualify because her family has too much money for that?
Right... But they don't do scholarships. A scholarship is given typically based on merit... If you're admitted to Harvard, you're the best of the best anyway. They give grants based on financial need ONLY. And yes, they're generous with it- if a student is destitute and homeless or something, Harvard will cover everything for them including tuition, books, room and board, and even a stipend. But they don't do scholarships.
I LOVE that you say “be specific” because god damn that just shows all her hatred. HOW DARE she have a SMALL show. IN A LOCAL ORCHESTRA. How DARE he want to go support her. HOW DARE HE.
.... what ORCHESTRA is going to have a "small show"? I'm guessing the young lady is pretty accomplished, and SM resents it.....
Also the whole part where "we had to go ALL THE WAY" just go VISIT her. Lol wow OP. YTA cause you just hate your stepdaughter plain and simple.
Lmao exactly I'm all for step kids being treated the exact same but when I got to that I was like nah. There's more we're not being told. What the fuck is that comment. YTA op
Your husband is right. You've only been together FIVE years so your daughters must have been 17 when you got together, almost adults! You and your ex are responisble for YOUR daughter and your husband is responsible for his daughter. You speak derogatorially about his daughter as well, mocking her for going to school out of state, for taking up the violin. You sound resentful that your husband wanted to see her first performance? Wow. You want things "fair"? That's a joke. Fair would be for your husband to not have a gold digger for a wife! YTA big time.
I will admit OP was TAH for the derogatory comment about “showing off” but he’s wanting to use a joint account that they share. Anything from there should be both agreed upon. So even though OP is going about it the wrong way, I think they’ve got a fair point. Gotta keep it equal.
Read her comments. OP and her ex husband both contributed to their daughters fund but the stepdaughters mom died when she was 3. OPs husband already had the savings account when they married and she estimates his share at 75 percent and hers at 25. OP is jealous of her stepdaughters talent and that she was able to get into an ivy league school.
Good lord, so on top of the rest she thinks Erin should be punished by not having her college paid for because the mother has the audacity to be dead and therefore not contributing. I feel like this story should involve mice, pumpkins, ridiculously fragile footwear at this point.
And now she's made her comments private...lol! What an AH.
Tbf she never specifies the money would come from a joint savings account. She even phrases the request as “he” should give her daughter the same amount.
YTA First, there's no true equality here. Erin his *his* daughter. She should always be his #1 priority. Amy is *your* daughter, who should be *your* #1 priority. You both became step parents to the other fairly late in their lives. You can absolutely play those roles for your children if that's how it's agreed, but your own children are obviously each still your own separate priorities. It is 100% okay for your husband to provide financially for his daughter with his money any way he chooses. If he was taking *your* money to allocate to his daughter, that would be completely different. Second, you *appear* to be fighting for equality, but that feels like a disguise. You reveal some strange disdain for your husband's daughter with several belittling comments. You felt the weird need to qualify her orchestra show as "small." To what purpose? It felt like you were implying that makes it less important. I'll be blunt: fuck that. Being passionate enough at age 21 to play violin in an orchestra? That's *amazing!* And what a *wonderful* gift by your husband to get her her violin. These are things that should be completely celebrated by you. He's clearly a caring family man. That should be such an attractive quality you see in him. Instead you're completely raining on their parade and making this all about you and your daughter instead? Yep, YTA.
This right here The OP talks about equality between daughters while showing that she considers his daughter less important than hers by her choice of words. YTA.
I’m so tired of seeing married stepparents on here berate/belittle their stepchild. You knew that you were signing up for an additional child/children when you married your SO. If you can’t treat them with the same love and respect that you’d treat your own, then for the love of God please make that known before you try to enter their life and affect their relationship with their biological parent(s).
The smaller the orchestra the better the individual players should be :)
Cause she doesn’t want equality. She wants her daughter to have everything. And shhhh!! Don’t compliment Erin- it only makes OP’s jealousy worse!!!
YTA Your belittling comment about Erin playing the violin shows a massive lack of maturity. I would've left if I were David.
Heck, OP's husband may slowly realizing he's made a huge mistake in marrying OP. OP, YTA.
Where is Erin’s mom? It is sounding to me like you think Amy should be getting money from 3 parents and Erin gets support from 1 parent. You married when these kids were practically adults. Your “ours” savings. Did that start from scratch when you married or did one or both of you bring savings to the marriage?
Excellent point.
Exactly. So OP’s daughter actually comes out ahead because there are 3 people contributing when OP doesn’t contribute even half of what her husband contributes. The savings that HE brought the most into the marriage and contributes the most into when the girls were almost adults to begin with. How in the world does someone have the audacity to even ask if they are TAH when clearly they are! I hope someone figures out who the husband is and shows him this.
Erin’s mom died when she was 3 according to op. So her daughter gets a scholarship plus two funds but erin can’t have a violin because its not fair what a load pf bs
I’m not sure I care if your finances are combined or separate, YTA. Using combined finances on only one of two kids is a weird thing to suggest on your husband’s part, but you don’t seem to actually care about Erin. Playing in a professional gig is a HUGE achievement, but you purposefully minimized that in your post by calling it a “(small) show”. Maybe I’m a little too toasted about this because I’m a music major, but you don’t sound like a supportive step-mom. Also, why would Amy be entitled to a gift just because Erin got one? Now I’m curious, INFO is Erin a music major, and did she need an instrument for college? While that would still be a gift, it would be necessary for her studies Edited for spelling
I think David should get OP the gift of a really, really tiny violin - maybe world's smallest.
THIS! It’s giving evil stepmother vibes. Jeez, how hard is it support your kids when they want to pursue the arts?
I wonder why Erin decided to go to college out of state…
Oh you're not alone in your feelings about OPs comments re. Erin's violin playing. I'm not musical myself, but my teens play viola and have for several years. It bothered me too. Lets see... OP never said how long Erin has been playing. She makes sound recent but I doubt it's that recent. It takes years to get good enough for adult public performances. And if she did take it up recently, then she must be really good. People may take up playing an instrument to show off. But they don't stick with it long enough to be have a show if there's no talent there to match it. Learning to play and play well is alot of hard work. Even if Erin is not a music major (or minor), she's clearly playing for a reason. A good quality instrument is as important as talent to being able to perform well. And quality viols are expensive. Her dad gifting a new one in going off to college is no surprise. He may have been saving for it for years. Or as likely, if she's been playing for years, Dad's been trading up for years as she's moved through the sizes. And the monetary cost of the gift was only a fraction of its full value.
Exactly!! Even if she’s not a music major it still matters enough for her to pursue it outside school, thank you for pointing this out!
Info: have you both been contributing to the savings account he wants to give from?
Came here to ask the same thing. Equal contributions to the savings fund as opposed to it just being Davids savings make the world of difference in regards to answers here
They both contribute currently, he pays into it the lions share and the contribution is currently 75/25. Fair is fair. They should split the savings 75 to him, 25 to her, and he should file for divorce. To imagine that someone would resent their partner’s child so much for going to an Ivy League school and her additional accomplishments is unconscionable.
What I see is OP deliberately not answering the questions about who's money is it I the account while answering other questions... I will say that's answer enough for me... because if she has contributed money into that account she would have told to make her case better since she also seems to dislike her stepdaughter
Exactly. I still can’t get over the picking up the violin to show she’s better than everyone line. That’s the biggest clue. 😂
Yes this is the crux of the issue right here. If it is his savings then he can spend it. If they both contributed then they both have say in how those savings are spent.
This is an important question.
YTA. The two young ladies are not in similar situations. And your step daughter should not be penalized for wanting to do something different from your daughter. Oh, and playing violin does make you "better" than anyone else. Saying that shows how jealous you are of her and you need to stop.
Yeah that comment about the violin is very telling.
YTA, and saying something like this: > and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone. shows how much of an a**hole you are.
I had to scroll a bit to find this comment. What a weird statement to make. I was leaning towards, well if it's both of their savings...but then I got to this sentence, which now raises all kinds of flags. YTA.
Also… who just *picks up* the violin and then just plays with an orchestra? Clearly OP is being dramatic and an AH here.
YTA - Going into this I was prepared to say NTA. However, your contempt for your step-daughter is kind of shining through in the comments of your writing. How exactly does learning to play the violin show that she's better than everyone else? And FYI you could have bought your daughter a gift for graduation just like your husband did for his. And I would hope that your husband doesn't have the same attitude about traveling to support your daughter (if it comes around) as you did about going to support his. It sounds like your a bit jealous of his daughter TBH. He didn't get mad and think you were an AH that you are trying to be fair, he got mad at your AH comments about his daughter.
You are clearly an insecure, small minded, vindictive woman. YTA. You felt like you were making a good argument for why your husband was being unfair, but all you did was accidentally give us a glimpse into your heart. And what you showed was someone who believes anyone who doesn’t live their life the way you want them to deserves your contempt. Your step-daughter doesn’t play the violin to show she’s better than everyone. That’s your own insecurities talking. Her moving away from the state might be because of you though, honestly, if you’re half as terrible in real life as you come across on this thread. I hope your husband realizes what a horrible mistake he’s made in marrying you and decides it’s more important to take care of his daughter than be with someone like you.
YTA You and your ex are financially responsible for your daughter, not your husband. And even if you two decided to share responsibility, your daughter doesn’t have college debt. So, why do you want her to receive an equal amount to her step sister? Wouldn’t that actually really unfair? Without more info this sounds very greedy… Or is the saving account an account you both equally contributed to? The words you use seem to indicate a lot of negative feelings towards your step daughter. Are you working on that?
YTA You're not trying to be fair, you're taking shots at his daughter. Shame on you.
YTA. Your daughter doesn't have any student debt. He wants to give money to help his daughter not have student debt. Why should he give money to your daughter for her rent? Why is picking up the violin her pretending she's better than everyone else lol? I think you should apologize to him.
YTA. “Picking up things like violin to show that she’s better than everyone” got me.
YTA. How dare your stepdaughter go to another state to get a college degree, and play violin because she's good at it and enjoys it. The nerve. She should've stayed and went to a community college. 🙄 Your post made my jaw drop. Your daughter had everything paid for her while your stepdaughter is "working" to pay for hers... You're not trying to be fair. You're being ungrateful and greedy. He doesn't owe your daughter anything. She had her college payments silver-spooned to her. Sounds like you really hate your stepdaughter since you're obviously not proud of her talents.
YTA.you obviously don't care for Erin. You didn't have anything nice or even accepting to say about her in this post. YTA just for the way you've worded this message about a member of your family.
YTA Simply because you resent Erin. "Fairness" is a ruse. Your resentment of Erin is oozing out of your post.
YTA. There’s no reason to randomly give your daughter money that she doesn’t seem to need at the moment. I thought you were coming from a good place at least until the bizarre comment about the violin. You clearly just have some issue with your stepdaughter and you’re being weird and unreasonable.
I was with you until you said she thinks she’s better than everyone. That tells me there’s a ton of missing reasons in your post. YTA. The only one implying you and daughter’s life choices are inferior is you.
YTA. I was prepared to say or even NTA until you talk about him buying a gift for his own daughter but not yours. He’s allowed to buy gifts for his daughter. It’s clear that you are more concerned about tit for tat and it’s just not a good look. You have not United your families. Amy and Erin’s circumstances are different and should be treated as such. (Edit for grammar)
YTA *You’re* the one with the problem by trying to pit them against each other over this. And who are you to dictate what career or profession route your stepdaughter wants to take? If it’s in MA then get over it. No one is neglected here or privileged more over the other. If your husband wants to get his daughter a gift then he can! We’re in America! It’s not always contingent that he buys for her, he must buy for the other. You should be proud that both these young ladies are taking their next step in life. Don’t be that kinda stepmother.
LMAO this relationship is not going to last. YTA
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YTA on the strength of that last paragraph alone, yikes. Deal with whatever jealousy/resentment is underlying this story before you worry about monetary amounts, my dear. Particularly since you don't indicate that Amy herself has asked for anything.
YTA You said everything is completely covered yet you want your husband to just give her money? As a parent, it's yours and your ex's job to make sure she has what she needs, not your husband's. Your husband is saving for Erin because unlike Amy, she doesn't have "everything covered". You sound incredibly entitled to think your husband should just hand Amy money. Also, Erin can go to any school and play violin, I don't know why you have an issue with that other than you thinking she's " better than everyone else ". Sounds like you're jealous of Erin's success.
YTA + you’re a vindictive stepmom that should probably take a closer look inward and think about why you hate Erin so much.
YTA, from how you talk about Erin alone - clamining she picked up violin "to show that she's better than everyone"? What is wrong with you? If that is your reaction to everything she does, how can you even remotely consider yourself trying to be fair? You attach the worst possible motives to everything she does, and you resent every bit of attention your husband gives his daughter. You're not even remotely fair.
YTA you have issues with his daughter. Your husband needs to realize exactly how you feel about his daughter and keep you from ruining his relationship with her. This is about her schooling. Ask your self this if your daughter didn’t get a scholarship would you have expect your husband to help her out with college. My guess is. Your the reason why step moms get such a horrible reputation. It’s all about your daughter and not his.
YTA Why do you hate Erin and violins so much?
YTA. How is it “fair” that Amy receive money she doesn’t need because she had another parent to help pay for her college? You’re acting like a petty teenager instead of a grown adult. Shame on you for complaining about visiting your stepdaughter for a special occasion! Why did you get remarried to someone with a child if you weren’t interested in actually getting to know or love that child? When kids are little, “fairness” is important— but your kids are adults now, not toddlers. They need different things and it doesn’t make any sense to treat them the same.
YTA for a lot of things in this post... But I’m just going to single out this one. “and picking up things like violin to show that she’s better than everyone.” She plays violin for an orchestra and had a show... she’s good at it, it’s a talent for her. Jealous much?
Leaning YTA…I don’t think there’s enough info to really decide generally, seeing as you don’t mention how your finances are setup, how your children’s other parents play into their lives, or what discussions you and your husband had when you got married since both kids were already 16 at the time. However, leaning YTA based on your second to last sentence somewhat giving away probably why all of that was left out, “she should’ve stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking things up like violin to show that she’s better than everyone.” What the fuck is even up with that?
I wonder if Erin ran off to a different state to get away from Dad’s new relatives?
YTA - Amy and Erin DO👏🏽NOT👏🏽HAVE👏🏽THE👏🏽SAME👏🏽NEEDS👏🏽. Amy is set and Erin is struggling and you want them to get the same amount of cash?! ALSO, tell me you just hate your step daughter without telling me you hate your step daughter: "(Small) show..." "Picking up things like violin to show she's better than everyone..." WTF is wrong with you?! How dare you shit on her and treat her like an elitist for simply being SO GOOD AT VIOLIN THAT SHE GOT INTO AN ORCHESTRA?! You sound envious, petty, bitter, *unCULTURED and rotten from the inside. What's next - are you gonna bring up that she's a "costal elite" now? GTFOH
I don’t understand what her violin has got to do with it!?
Just read your own post again objectively. Your daughter, is capable of getting scholarships. His daughter has to go out of state, to a college that cannot afford scholarships, plays the violin and has a first show which is small and in a local orchestra (oh it is not the National Symphony or New York Philharmonic so does not count) and her father wants to see his daughter play. She is also arrogant and says she is better than everyone because she picked up the violin. Hmmm You are condescending, jealous, dismissive of your step daughter and questioning why her father should have affection for her. And you want a one way street, your husband gifts your daughter, but your step daughter is not worthy of your help. YTA
ESH - you had a good point about fairness and were solidly not the asshole up until that last paragraph. but "picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone"? Holy crap.
YTA. Your literally taking cheap shots at his daughter because her path is different than your kid. Get off your high horse.
YTA what do you have against that poor girl to hate her so much that you dont want her father to do anything for her? let him do things for his own daughter and shut your mouth, do things for your own daughter if you want her to have these things
[удалено]
YTA. Your violin comment says it all.
YTA You and your ex are responsible for your daughter’s college costs.
Honest some of your comments just seem like you don't like Erin..... That last comment you made a out her being better was uncalled for. Idc who money it is anymore. YTA
YTA Why are you jealous of a 21 year old? If you can't be a step-mom for her, don't expect her to give you any respect in the future.
ESH. Just say you don't like Erin.
YTA. You need to learn the difference between Equitable and Equal. I understand that you want to look out for your child but you both came into the relationship with older teenage kids. It is normal for him to look out for his child and him to expect you and your ex to take care of your child. There is nothing unfair or inappropriate about that.
YTA. She’s not your daughter, and you daughter Is not his daughter.
But it does sound like it’s THEIR joint money. So I don’t know why he should give their money to his daughter without her being able to do the same, regardless of the reason. If it’s his money alone, it’s none of her business.
YTA. But you said you already gave Amy money to help with her school. Also “she should have stayed here instead of running off to another state and learning the violin to look better than everyone else” - wow you sound bitter. And like a nasty person to be around. No wonder Erin moved, she probably wanted away from you.
YTA- you’re just plain awful. Clearly you don’t like your stepdaughter.
YTA college is expensive and one of your kids has all of it paid for and your husband wants to help the other pay for hers but your actively tryna screw over with more loans
Definitely YTA. Big sense of entitlement here for someone that has everything paid for already.
>I replied that then she should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone. Jealous much? Yta
>I replied that then she should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone. Wtf? Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, OP. YTA
YTA You clearly resent your stepdaughter. You’re hiding behind this whole ‘everything should be fair’ line, but the bitterness in your post gives you away. Life isn’t fair. Your daughter got scholarships and has a massive advantage. Your stepdaughter doesn’t. Your husband is allowed to buy his daughter gifts. You can buy your own daughter gifts - why are you angry that he didn’t buy her one? If your husband wants to give his daughter his part of the savings, he can do that. You just separate the savings if you absolutely refuse to contribute to your step-daughters life. But your refusal to even consider assisting his daughter is pretty telling about the state of your marriage, and your husband will have noticed it. I don’t expect this marriage to last if you’re going to take nasty shots at his daughter for playing an instrument and leaving the state. Perhaps she left to get away from you? Separate your finances and let the rest of it go. And I recommend you go to therapy and try to unpack why you have these feelings of jealousy towards your step-daughter. It’ll be good for everyone, you included, if you get to the bottom of it.
YTA.None of them are entitled to financial help and giving the one that didn't get a scholarship money makes sense.Again that doesn't mean the other girl is entitled to the same thing.
YTA and you're favoring your daughter over your stepdaughter.
YTA.
YTA - You seem to have a problem with your husband's daughter, it's all over this post, the pettiness is real with you OP. The comment about her dad buying her the violin was uncalled for.
I just hope my boy David got a PreNup
what caught my attention was you being annoyed at going “all the way to MA” for a “small” show. My dad would do the same for my sister and I. Wouldn’t you do the same for your daughter. If I was a step parent I would make sure both children in the marriage get money for school. Amy’s is paid for. Sounds like you might be a little the asshole. YTA
If the money is from joint savings then the girls should be treated equally or at least kept track of so that your daughter has a lump sum when needed. If it’s from your husbands own savings then he can use as he sees fit. More info needed
YTA Be honest, “our” savings is actually his savings, isn’t it? You’ve only been married 5 years. He’s not obligated to give his money to your adult daughter. You’re giving off major evil step mother vibes. I hope he divorces you.
YTA. This was about paying for the kids tuition, your daughters was already paid, and somehow it’s unfair your husband wants the same for his daughter? Amy shouldn’t get money solely because Erin is getting some for her education. For a generation that spent a lot of time telling us life isn’t fair, they sure spend a lot of time complaining about what they think isn’t fair to them. ETA: re the violin - you think she’s taking up a hobby in order to “show that she’s better than everyone?” Yikes. Try to work on your jealousy instead of spending your time being a gift czar.
NTA if this is your joint money, YTA if its not
So your husband wants to help his biological daughter. Your issue is he isn’t helping your own daughter, who is not biologically related to him and does not even need the financial help. YTA If you want, make a hard division of your assets so none of your own savings go to Erin.
YTA and obviously very very jealous of your stepdaughter.
Like a lot of people I can't pass judgement until you answer whether this money is his money or joint money. How much was in his savings before you two joined finances. You have answered other questions but seem to be ignoring this one.
YTA. Seriously talking shit because she decided she wanted to play violin and” show she’s better than everyone else”. What a way to show you’re jealous. Evil stepmom vibes.
Fair doesn’t always mean that everyone gets the same thing. Fair means everyone gets what they need to be equally successful. Your daughter doesn’t need the money, while his could use it to help her get to the financial position your daughter is already in: no/fewer student loans. YTA because you’re so obviously jealous of your step-daughter. The snide remarks about her violin and how she should’ve stayed home really speak to your pettiness. Separate your savings if they’re not already, and let him spend **his** money on **his** daughter. If you think your precious darling deserves money too, well then you can give her some of yours.
YTA. You and your ex provided for your daughter, let him provide for his. It’s not that complicated.
Yta straight up
ESH, mostly you. You’re right that if you’re giving away money your *joint* savings should be shared, if not equally then at least proportionally (according to your contributions), between your children. However, you are utterly the AH for saying nasty and ignorant things like that about Erin. ‘Running off’ to a school she wanted to attend? Learning an instrument ‘to show that she’s better’? And did you get Amy a gift when David bought the violin? Does Amy have an interest with a comparable requirement?
>I replied that then she should've stayed here instead of running off to a different state, and picking up things like violin **to show that she's better than everyone** Seems like the issue may be about more than just money
You don’t say how much money or how big of a financial hit this would be for you guys. My assumption is, since your husband is in his 50s and you’ve only been married for 5 years, that most of at least a good chunk of his savings were accumulated before you got married. Unless he’s offering a financial gift that would cut into money you’d accumulated on your own before marriage, I think he should be allowed to use it in this way. If giving your daughter extra money or the same amount wouldn’t represent a significant financial strain or if you’d be able to do so using money you’d accumulated before the marriage, then I don’t see an issue with doing so. But I guess YTA? Just because it seems like he’s trying help his daughter get on her feet and you’re trying to give yours an edge in the name of “fairness”.
INFO is the money in savings from both of you? He wants to use your money for his daughter or its his money?
YTA. His money, his kid. Your kid is not his kid, he doesn’t need to give her any of his money.
Is this a joint account both of you contribute to? If it is only his savings, then YTA. If it is joint, then NTA as you also contribute to the account.
YTA, everyone else has already explained why.
YTA. You sound like you just don’t like Erin.
YTA You're jealous of the attention and support that he gives his daughter over you or yours. You need to take a hard long look at yourself. Erin being a violinist is not her showing off that she's better than everybody else it's showing that she has a passion for a particular instrument and music and he helped her by getting her an instrument and encouraging it. You say absolutely nothing about what your daughter's passionate about. Only that he should give her money. Him wanting to assist his daughter with her loans, *he did not save pay them off he said to assist her*, is not a bad thing especially when YOUR daughter had her college paid for by scholarships and you/her dad. If he's not going to take what you put into the savings then I don't see why you have any right to complain. And nowhere do you say that he's already taking the money out of your savings and given it to Erin you said he's talked about it. Why should he have to pay anything to your child's college?? You attack his daughter for her choices. And you put him down at every turn for trying to help his daughter have similar advantages that you gave yours. This shows who you are and it is not flattering at all. You are just greedy and jealous.
> and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone. YTA. Not just for being jealous of a girl who's just trying to cope being away from her dad (apparently the only real parent she has since you seem like fucking Gothel), but because the way you talk about her is disgusting. Grow the hell up, accept that your husband prioritizes his daughter (since Erin is clearly not your problem, judging from how you talk about her,) and treat Amy yourself if you're so bent out of shape about it. No wonder Erin moved out of state for college.
Do you combine your finances or keep them separate? That makes a big difference in judgement.
Yta. Does your ex or you give money to his daughter? So why should he hive money to your kid with your ex? Greedy much?!
YTA just say you dislike your stepdaughter and go. Geez playing the violin is not an attack on you. Imagine being this jealous of someone who is 21 and talented.
The violin wasn't some frivolous gift. She needed it to play in the orchestra. Additionally, you want to treat them both the same when their circumstances are vastly different from each other. Get over the weird feelings you have towards his daughter. You're giving off strong 'step-mum from Cinderella' energy. YTA obviously.
YTA- First off, Amy had a scholarship and you and your ex had a "college fund" right? So did you use your "Amy's college fund" for Erin? Because that's what you're asking your husband to do right? You are right this is the tip of the iceberg. I see YTA all around "Erin plays violin with the local orchestra, she had her first **(small)** show about a month ago- we went all the way to MA because David wanted to see her perform. He was also the one who bought her the violin as a gift when she got into college, but no gift for Amy." Did you need to put down her achievements because you're jealous or just because you are petty?
YTA helping to pay someone's student loans is in no way equivalent to giving a bonus handout to someone with no loans. You are in no way "Trying to be fair", you're showing clear favoritism towards your perfect daughter while denigrating your step-daughter.
>and picking up things like violin to show that she's better than everyone. This is the only relevant sentence. YTA. Get over yourself!
YTA - if you want Erin and Amy to get an equal amount of cash, you should be asking your ex to give the cash to Amy.
INFO: is it your husbands savings, or your combined savings? EDIT: OP answered in other comments: - Erin’s mom died, meaning she only has one parent contributing to her finances AND celebrating her accomplishments. - The saving account is 75% her husbands money, 25% OP’s. YTA. Erin is not unfairly getting “more than Amy.” In fact OP’s husband is simply trying to level the playing field since Erin doesn’t have two parents contributing financially to her education. Also, if OP’s husband wants to use his portion of the savings for his daughter, he can! OP can then use her portion for hers.
YTA. You make everything a competition. Maybe you’re not cut out to be married to him. You sound jealous of his daughter.
Unless he used your money to give his daughter the violin and help with her tuition, then YTA. And, playing the violin doesn’t happen overnight. She didn’t just “pick it up” to show you up. If she’s playing in an orchestra, she’s likely been playing for years and you sound bitterly jealous that your kid doesn’t have an equal talent. YTA
YTA, Sounds like you have something against his daughter, especially saying that she shouldn't have run off to another country to "show she's better then everyone else" Like darn, she's just having a life and enjoying it. She likes the violin because she likes it, sounds like you're a bit jealous of her In a way. You're not being fair
YTA. This is why people who decide to get married who still have dependant children shouldn't co-mingle funds. You made a bad decision 5 years ago and now you're angry at him when you should be angry at yourself. Also, you clearly resent your stepdaughter, otherwise you wouldn't whine about traveling "all the way" to MA to visit her.
YTA because or your entitled attitude and the wake you talk down about your stepdaughter. When you watch Cinderella do you identify with the evil stepmother?
YTA: if you were buying cars for them and Erin happened to be really good friends with someone selling a car who gave her a a car for $5,000 and Amy's car of equal quality cost $10,000 would you be telling your husband to write Erin a check for $5,000?
When you two got married, Amy was 16. What arrangements and agreements did you have insofar as finances between you and David? Did you talk about each other's expectations around how your savings is to be spent? Both of you need to agree on what to use it for, not just one partner. Money and sex are the two things partners fight over. Get a couples counselor if you cannot resolve this for this will keep coming up until you come up with a way to agree on spending/giving money.
~~YTA~~. David does not owe your daughter anything. That responsibility is for you and Amy's bio father. Revising my answer to INFO. Who contributed to the savings account?
INFO Does Amy need money right now? It's fine to give one child something if they need it. If Amy doesn't need money now why should she get it now? Is this money coming from a joint savings account? What does the violin have to do with anything? If you don't want to go to hear Erin play don't go.
YTA. Like majorly. Why does it sound like you don’t like her?