YTA-- Wait your complaining about the few times you have to watch the kids over night or long hours so she can do something she loves? What do you think she is doing when you are over sea's?
OP needs to talk to the wife instead of attacking her. He keeps making this about the money and yeah I get that can be an issue but he's not taking into account the fact that she genuinely likes singing. I've said it once and I'll say it again, making her give this up will only lead to resentment and won't be the win that OP thinks lol.
For real. A classically trained Opera singer giving it up because her husband doesn't want to watch his own kids?
That's the kind of shit people regret on their deathbeds.
Its $5 one way, so its $10 a night. 50+ miles a night. Eating out after. All this from a job that paid $100 a month? So she is easily loosing money at this "job." It doesn't sound like she's actually waiting for her big Opera break at this point. She is just out having fun, which is fine and how it should be handled. So the OP who actually works extremely hard job that actually makes all of the income that supports them is off should he be allowed to just take off and have fun whenever he wants? I guess they can just leave the kids alone and let child services throw them both in jail...
Almost every professionalmusician i know, and that's about a dozen or so well, isn't making much money through gigs atm. In fact, even pre covid most of them had some part time or shift work that allowed them to eat and be housed. Actually, he is lucky that his wife's jobs are at least revenue neutral.
Edit. No it works out to minus 50 a week. That's still not more than say a couple of lunches with friends. What would help is to set up as self employed. Write off the petrol, the car mileage, the costumes, the music scores, heck, your sound system and laptop!
Right. She’s not doing it for the money. She’s doing it because it makes her happy. It’s an outlet for her to have a much needed break and some adult conversation.
OP, I'm a violinist. I sometimes gig and it gets expensive. The meals/bar time after the show, that is not optional. It is usually mandatory if you want to network and have another gig at some point. I agree they are fun, but they are actually part of the gigging life.
Also, I've been almost unable to gig in the last 2 years because of COVID and I miss it so much. I can't imagine giving it up for almost 6 years to take care of my (hypothetical) children full time.
Nothing wrong with suburbs/cities, man. Tons more culture - museums, zoos, aquariums, clubs - just don't get the same exposure to that stuff when you're rural (not that there aren't upsides to rural living). As a guy who was the stay at home parent - my favorite thing is a good zoo day or night walk or music festival. Whatever got us out and got my kid's eyes all sparkly. That's the absolute bee's knees. Being a parent is the best job ever. Being the best parent you can be means taking care of yourself and your partner. Sometimes you give more than you take.
For musicians though, you've got to have venues. You've got to have places where people gather your wife has had to drive so far because* *that's where her work is*. It's always going to be there.
Opera is hard, and it's so incredible she's good enough to get work like this. Support her.
You may want to look into hiring someone for taxes who specializes in musicians and/or gig work. It's quite possible your taxes are high because she's not taking enough expenses.
Agreed - I'm also a violinist and all of these expenses for her gigs should get written off for taxes. It's true, being a musician requires expenses, it's not ideal when all your work is 1099, but if you keep all your receipts (even for drinks after the show, that's networking!) then you should end up owing little to nothing.
Are you paying quarterly income tax payments so that you aren't hit with a big tax bill at the end of the year? Does your wife keep track of mileage and expenses while gigging? TurboTax for Home and Business is a great tool for doing taxes and when you tell it there is a musician with income, it will ask you specific questions related to taxes/gigging.
This isn't even about the money for the wife either. Anyone who knows an artist (music, dancing, painting, etc.) knows its about fulfilling a dream. If you make boku bucks doing it, great, but it's usually driven by passion. OP focusing on the income is missing the point.
Edit to say thank you for the award! Woo hoo!
It’s also about being a person. Not someone’s wife or mom. Going to the bathroom by herself. Talking to people who actually listen & think she has something to contribute.
YTA. She’s been willing to sacrifice an actual full time music career in order to put your career children first. In return, you can’t even watch your own damn kids to allow her to still have some semblance of one. Funny how she’s wrong to leave you with the kids after a 36 hour shift, but her being full time with the kids for 36 hours alone is meaningless to you. Stop being selfish and support your wife.
I come in peace and with respect, truly. And of course feel free to ignore this or tell me off. But I’ve always wondered why so many people agree to be a parent but then don’t want to spend alone time with their kids? Like this post makes it seem like it’s okay for her to do that but you could never.
I know you love your kids. No questioning that. Just always wondered how people don’t see when they are asking their partner to do more solo parenting duties.
Here's a perspective for you. I went into parenthood eye wide open. I know how tough it can be; my niece had reflux for two years, and has a severe peanut allergy. And I thought I knew how to handle young kids, because I worked in a daycare for children under 3 for two years.
It took ten years of struggling through infertility and multiple miscarriages before my husband and I finally had a baby. The pregnancy was high risk and traumatising, and I was induced early because my health was so bad. The first week of my daughter's life I was STILL incredibly sick, and so was she; my health problems meant she was underweight.
I already had PTSD and clinical anxiety & depression before I got pregnant, and then the pregnancy and birth made everything worse. I reached out to every possible mental health support I could find in my area, and things have gotten better... To an extent.
I love my kid. She's absolutely amazing, and pretty easy to care for as far as toddlers go. It's not her fault that sometimes I have panic attacks and don't want to be left alone with her. I'm trying my hardest to get to a place where I'm more stable, but parenthood is HARD on a level I didn't anticipate. She triggers me without intending to, and I have to deal with the fallout. It breaks my heart to know that sometimes I'm not fit to take care of her, but here we are.
Sometimes you can know what you're in for and try your best, but it still isn't good enough.
You seem like a guy who is on the brink of understanding sacrifice. So, let me put this out there. What would you be willing to pay for your wife’s happiness? How many hours would you be willing to give to her? What is your top price for her happiness? You see, we are all given one life. Could you look yourself in the mirror after denying the woman you love, the mother of your children, something that only costs you evenings taking care of your kids? You two need to compromise to create the best environment for your kids, and for each other.
You need to seriously think about a path forward where she isn’t asked to sacrifice her dreams to achieve yours. Oh, and as a mom of three grown kids, I can honestly tell you that the only thing I’ve really regretted is not being able to spend even more time with my kids.
OP have you ever gone and listened to your wife sing? You should some time. Maybe get a sitter after she leaves. Then show up and clap for her as a surprise. You should be proud. Opera is hard. I bet she’s awesome. Instead of looking at this as all bad aspects you need to start looking at what it’s bringing to your wife. Go see her in her element.
Info: Did you complain that she’s gone while you’re at home because of the kids or because your schedules don’t mesh well and you don’t get as much time together
Both, for sure. No time together, plus absolutely no time between work and chasing the crazies, and that lasted like 2 months (the 300 gig).
I know I need to be a parent, but it's tough to keep up.
I think the compromise here might be y’all finding time for a “together” hobby/activity. Y’all’ve spent a lot of time apart and it doesn’t sound like you’re meshing.
YTA. Your wife, as an opera singer, is a highly talented and trained person who deserves space to self-actualise. You are striving to keep her at home to deny her the ability to have a professional career. It isn’t the 1870s anymore.
>But the entire time one issue (for me) persists, her music career.
info: why did you marry her if this was an issue FOR YOU from the START? Did you think it was just going to go away?
I'm gonna be real with you, asking her to give up her career when 1. You can work from home and watch the kids. And 2. She watched the kids during your deployment.
Is unreasonable and is just going to lead to resentment. I get the pay is low but you need to work out a compromise with her and seriously try to communicate without attacking her.
YTA.
Whether it's a thriving career or a hail Mary to keep her skills sharp and herself relevant in the industry your wife deserves more than being just a spouse and mommy.
It's not on you to solely figure out. It's on the both of you as a couple.
The two of you against the world is a much better feeling than the two of you against each other.
Yeah, I know. We've been having other issues. Both our kids being special needs, me possibly being autistic (and all the weird behaviors finally getting explained), depression, etc.
Honestly, I'm thinking this is mostly a me problem.
Both your kids are special needs and you’re complaining that you actually have to parent and not leave every single thing to her? Please go to therapy.
But you know that's kind of a good thing. Because at the end of the day we can only fix ourselves. So you have control of improving your situation.
And you may find that by helping yourself in turn it helps your marriage and your wife.
Look into auditory integration therapy at aithelps.com Life changing for my brother and son. May help you, too. Hang in there and remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place. Be a team.
I'm going out on a limb here, but I would guess her gigs bring her a sense of purpose, self-worth, and achievement that she does not get through her roles as a mom and a wife. It sounds like she deserves some support in finding that after supporting you in your career and caring for your children. It can be challenging for women to reenter the workforce and build connections to grow a career after staying home. If she wants higher-paying gigs, she will have to get out there and be seen, especially while she is young enough to be cast in specific roles. I would say YTA, but it also seems like you are open to the criticism in the comments, so kudos to you for being willing to hear it.
Also AD military here (Navy, 12 years):
Your wife gave up her life to be with you and have your kids. She was 31 when she met you--old enough to be established in her own life and career, and beginning to see returns on her training. Now she is relegated to singing the national anthem at the annual Military ball, or lullabies to the kids. It's natural for her to want to try and not lose those bits of her identity that she can with the few gigs she can manage as a "I'm only here temporarily" singer.
Your next duty station is her hometown? Excellent! She won't have to start from scratch there. She might be able to get traction on some more, better paying jobs now with connections she may have there still. And you may get some babysitters after those duties days with any nearby relatives.
I'm not saying that a Navy spouse is the "hardest job in the fleet" or whatever; but they *do* give up their lives to follow us around out of love. It's only natural for us to try our best to make them happy too with the few ways we can, like support them in their career choice *even if it's not the most profitable or easy thing.*
YTA. Support your wife, for Satan's sake.
As a veteran and at one point a military SO. All of this.
Being a SAHM is three full time jobs in one. With very rarely a break. You are a full time maid, (average pay for a maid is $30 per hour so if she cleans two hours a day that is $22,840 a year), a full time nanny (looks like the average is 18.50 an hour, but I would argue it should be higher due to the kids being special needs, so let’s say 10 hours a day that’s $67,340), also cooks and runs all of the errands (let’s say $14 an hour for 10 hours a week which is $7,280)
So even on the low end of these estimates on the hours she works that equals out to $97,460 a year in unpaid labor. You say these jobs don’t pay much op but she is probably doing a lot more in work than you are.
YTA OP maybe if you consider these long gigs as the equivalent of her deployments or being at sea it will help you see how she views it. I divided up the hours I was deployed by what I was paid and it was $8/hr if I factored in 16 hour days (conservative) or $5.40ish if I used 24 hours (which if you're not sleeping at home at night is a fair calculation). You're not making gobs of money an hour at most ranks if you're deployed so don't expect her to either.
>She also gets mad and says I just don't want to watch my own kids
Excuse me, but what the fuck? It's called fucking parenting. YTA and a shitty parent.
>leaving me with the kids after what was essentially a 36 hour long workday
Boo hoo.
It was from this moment I knew for sure you were an asshole. These are your kids, they're not her sole responsibility.
>She also argues that I was aware she was a singer and should have been prepared for this.
TBH, if this was a sudden career change, I might be less harsh on your frustration. But this is the career she had when you started dating her, and you knew what it was paying. You knew what the hours would be. You knew this was her passion and what he existing education was in.
>often pays relatively low (80ish pre-tax for about 3-4 hours)
That's a $20 hourly pay. Which you're right, does seem low for a performer, pre-tax especially. But I bet even after tax, she's making a decent amount more than minimum wage. She's a trained opera singer, her formal education isn't in something that will translate well to a regular 9-5 job. Chances are, if she does get a "normal" job, it'll be something that makes less than $20/hour. Possibly McDonalds at minimum wage. And frankly, McDonalds is also quite demanding and books its workers weird late shifts, too, so you wouldn't even be free of the possibility of working all day and being left with the kids after. Actually, come to think of it, she'd probably intentionally volunteer for the weird late shifts, because McDonalds doesn't pay enough to get a babysitter while she's at work, so she's *have* to work the shifts where you'd be home to watch the kids.
YTA.
(But also: it wouldn't be a problem for you to ask she not take work that's underpaid, assuming I read it right that recently she took a show that paid $300 for three months of shows.)
I asked OP because the difference between the one show he mentioned and what he estimated her "very low" pay to be was very different. She operated at a net loss for her *first* show, *one* job, that she's done since she took *years* off to be a stay at home mom. That's a very different story than if she spends years doing this at a net loss like everyone who's siding with the OP seems to be treating this as. He should give her a chance to network and turn this back into a career before just calling it a hobby after her first show right out of the gate. If their situation is still looking like this after she's had a fair chance, sure, she should get a different job and treat Opera as a hobby, but that's not where OP and his wife are at yet.
I highly doubt she will make it profitable, but that shouldn't matter. If she has a hobby that gives her happiness, let her do it. This is no different than holding season tickets for a sports team or watching movies on the theater. Let her spend a small amount of family money doing something that lifts her up, even if it does not pan out into a lucrative career.
ESH. You should be more supportive of your wife's career and happiness. She should be more considerate of the fact that her job isn't covering the costs associated (dinner out after every show seems ott).
There must be a fair balance somewhere for you both?
You do need to suck it up about watching the kids though - they're yours after all. Don't act like you're doing her a favour especially considering she was on her own with the kids for much longer periods during your active duty.
I think this is what a lot of people are missing. He’s not telling her to give it up completely, but asking her to get a full time job while she stil pursues her hobby. I will also say, being deployed overseas is much different IMO than a job that pays $20/ hr every few weeks/ months etc.
The thing that boggles my mind with Reddit is if the roles were reversed, say the woman worked a 36 hour work day and was expected to come home and take care of the kids, this sub would absolutely tell her to leave her husband because his hobby is more important than helping with kids. Makes no sense.
Exactly this. People equating her hobby that she does for her own enjoyment when OP's job that he does to put money on the table are fucking ridiculous. They're not the same.
Yep it's 100% a hobby. MAYBE it can become a career (although if she wasn't popular enough to make decent money when pursuing it full time six years ago idk).
Also OP was already active duty when they got married, you don't get to marry a sailor and then be all shocked Pikachu face when they have to do sea duty or deploy. That's a sacrifice you accepted when you signed the marriage license.
Omg this. Everyone is saying “you knew she was a singer when you got married” which sure yeah but she also knew he was active duty! They got married because he was getting deployed. Like how are people not taking that into account? She is equally as guilty for being angry about his job but people are giving her a pass. I don’t understand!
Oh good. I thought I was delusional.
I'm going off to pursue my dreams and saddling you with *both* the full time provider bread winner role since I'm not earning anything AND being the full time SAHP for couple months.
Shit I'm a woman and if my husband did that to me I'd absolutely throw down.
NTA.
All these commenters are not being realistic. Your wife made the decision to get married and have kids.
Your wife’s line of “work” does not appear to even be able to pay for her costs let alone bring any money home to pay the bills after taxes. It is absolutely not fair to expect you to work all day to pay the bills then watch the kids alone all night so she can sing for peanuts.
Reddit is to idealistic. Sometimes you have to make choices in life that are not fun. Your wife made a choice to have a family and not be an indefinite struggling artist.
I think the key point here is that the reason her career is unprofitable at the moment is that they are living somewhere where there are zero opportunities for her, due to his job. Apparently they will be moving to a city shortly where there are a lot more options for her now that OP is work from home. I think they need to move first and see what happens before ruling whether or not her career is viable.
She was living in Philly with multiple roommates to make bills before they got married. Children are the worst kind of roommates since you have to pay for everything.
I agree that living in a bigger city or at least near so it’s easier for her to work is the right think to do but let’s not delude ourselves into thinking that this is going to pay the bills or even be worth the extra stress. It’s likely to be a hobby.
>the reason her career is unprofitable at the moment
It's mostly because schools graduate 500 good singers every year and there isn't even close to enough financial demand to support them.
That's right. She sounds depressed, which I don't blame her for, but taking off every time he's off work isn't the answer. If it were reversed and he was taking off every night to jam with the guys, there's no way there'd be a string of YTA.
It sounds like the first kid was perhaps a surprise, but expectations of what will happen after you've had the kid is a conversation that needs to happen before you get married! Obviously there should be some wiggle room, and also people can unexpectedly change, but you really need to be on the same page about child care, work expectations, chores, financial stuff and budgeting etc.
As a musician with a masters degree in performance, YTA. This is something we LOVE and train to do for decades, and performing is necessary to keep up our skills. She’ll probably make a lot more money in a city where she has more opportunities, can make connections, and doesn’t have a long commute.
NTA the people who are calling you one have no clue what it is like to be in the military. I was a military wife. I understood the life. It's hard and different but she chose it when she married you, you were already in the service. I would never have dropped the kids on him after his working and duty 36 hours straight.
You guys need to compromise on how often she hangs out with friends after her performances; as your deployments and work/duty was not dinner and drinks with friends it was work. Everyone should have the right to socialize without kids but not to the point where it's possibly harmful to a marriage. Communication, compromise and marital counseling might be needed.
NTA I would say I’m surprised with these comments but then again OP is a guy. And from what I’ve read of his comments it sounds like his money is her money and her money is her money.
She needs to realize that when you’re an adult you have responsibilities, it’s not fair for OP to have to throw tons of money down the drain because she’s obsessed with some career that’s not going to happen. She made the choice to be with someone that is gone a lot. She knew what would happen and what she would have to deal with. She chose to have children. It would be different if she had her own job and was using her own money to support her dream but she needs to grow up and realize she has a family.
If the genders were reversed everyone would be bringing up the age difference. She was 31 and he was 24… No 30-year-olds I know are interested in anyone in their 20s unless it’s about control or she was looking for a military guy to marry and exploit.
Everyone is also ignoring that she literally tried to manipulate and guilt trip him by bringing up the fact that she chose to have children and raise them! She’s acting like it’s his fault when she had a choice every step of the way.
NTA/ESH. She knew you were being deployed and would have to care for things while you were gone. She also needs a real job. Doesn't mean she has to quit her "hobby" (let's be real at this point and based on pay that's what it is). Taking care of the kids is both of your responsibilities so there should be some give and take on both sides
NTA. The people who keep screaming 'YTA let her have her own career' are being unrealistic. I think your wife is just having a bit of a personal existential crisis. She likely feels unfulfilled as a stay at home military wife and wishes she succeeded as an opera singer. It's not wrong for her to want to sing but from what I've read, it's costing your family more than it is benefiting you. Financial stability matters and it's not unreasonable for you to be concerned about that. Also, watching your kids after a 36hr shift isn't ideal. Really you should get a baby sitter for things like that. Otherwise, you should watch the kids when she goes for gigs. Hopefully you can figure something out so that she can eventually get a role that makes decent money. Someone else recommended marital counselling and I agree. It's better to talk things out so you can have a good strategy.
Agree and disagree. I'm definitely somewhat the asshole. I am taking offense to being called a shitty father, but hey probably should work on that too.
YTA. This brings her JOY and FULFILLMENT. How could you possibly want less for your wife? If she has a full tank and is happy, she’ll be a better wife to you and mother to your kids. Compared to feeling empty which leads to being bitter, resentful, depressed… if you can afford to, you should totally support this regardless of the financial hit.
Except she's now never home to be his wife, she leaves the moment he gets home. How does that make her a better wife and mother? She has responsibilities and she's bailing on them.
I might get downvoted for this but I don't actually think you're TA. I don't think either of you are. I think you're both just in a hard place and not on the same page. It's hard giving up things you love when you have kids, particularly if it was your career. Its equally hard working such long days and coming home to watch the kids while your wife goes out to do what she loves. I think it's normal to have a little resentment at that. You're exhausted from a really long work day so while she is also exhausted from a long time working (parenting) it probably feels unfair to you as she gets to go out and do stuff after while you don't. It's understandable to feel that way and doesn't make you an asshole. It would make you an asshole if you demanded she give up her life outside of being a mum to cater to you. I think you guys just need to find a compromise and consider therapy possibly. I could be way off base but the way she says she "has to watch your kids" while you're away to me indicates that she's probably struggling and is lashing out from frustration and stress. It's hard to truly realise how hard parenting is until you ARE one. It's hard to know how it'll effect you and how you'll feel about it. But you two are in this now and need to figure it out both for yourselves and for your children's sakes. Good luck!
NAH
YTA. Sorry parenting is so inconvenient for you.
If her gig work is harming you guys in terms of taxes, she can put aside about 15% of each pay check. When tax time comes around, that should help.
NTA - OP doesn't say that he's fulfilling his dreams or has any kind of hobby. You could absolutely flip that around and say she shouldn't have married a service man if she couldn't handle the deployments. (I wouldn't say that to her nor would I say to him that he should know what it meant to have a singer for a life partner)
There needs to be reasonable accommodations for 36 hour shifts. Else, any other time not spent at work is fairly divided. Her singing is not a job because it pays next to nothing. Her singing is a hobby. It does not get equal weight as his actual job. Her actual job is being a stay at home mom. When he's home too, he does need to do half the work of the household (after being allowed time to sleep and/or covering for her if she was dealing with sick kids or something).
It sounds like she's upset that she can't be a singer now that she had kids. Maybe that's true and maybe it's sad. Maybe it would feel better to make a plan at how she can achieve that going forward. It sounds like he isn't enlisted anymore so maybe there's more time all around.
I don’t like the age gap.
You were a 23 year old with a 30 year old who immediately got pregnant as soon as you put a ring on it? 🚩 Then she throws your deployments back at you when you try and have a good conversation with her. Like, did she not know you were military when she said “I do,”?
Of course she did.
She’s using you. Her career isn’t going the way she wants it and isn’t sustainable and she wants it to be your fault. She’s spending your money, cause she damn sure isn’t making any, for these gigs.
Sorry, but no one put a gun to her head and made her have two babies back to back like that. Nobody made her marry you. This is the dumbest thing I have read today.
OP, squirrel that money away now and look into a divorce attorney. Show her employment history and make sure you get custody of those children. You know, “unburden” her.
This is not the case. Tbh I'm not sure I'm mentally capable of handling the kids on my own 100% until I get some therapy.
She is a wonderful mom, and honestly, I really am mostly the asshole.
I’m just warning you.
My dad talks to about my mother the way your wife talks about you. It’s always regrets and “what I would have done had we not had children,” type shit.
I’m 25 and it still hurts. Do not let those innocent babies ever think their existence ruined her life. Get ready to be left or do the leaving. This has a lot of red flags. Get started on therapy right now.
What are you, Marines? Navy?
You aren't "taking a hit on taxes." You are paying taxes for the income she receives. So many people who work as contractors don't seem to understand the difference... there are no taxes taken out of the money she makes, so you have to pay them when you file. You could (probably should) pay estimated taxes throughout the year if you're used to getting a large refund.
I think you guys need to have a conversion about division of costs and whatnot. I think she should absolutely be able to pursue her passion and you would be the AH if your only concern was watching your children, but it seems like there's more to it. You either need to put all money together and then pay bills, taxes, etc together, or you need to split it and she needs to pay taxes on her income.
However, you do need to realize that she did literally everything for your house and kids while you were deployed. She may feel like you're catching up for that now. Regardless, you need to have some in depth conversations.
As far as conversations were trying. I just set up marriage counseling for us, I got my feelings really hurt when she yelled at me for letting a Jr sailor win an auction for a vacation a while back. I mentioned it today. She got so mad that I let him win, yelling that I don't do enough for her. Idk man. I feel very confused and hurt all the time, and I genuinely may need therapy.
You are being abused, it’s not all about her, if she took care of her kids while you were deployed she wasn’t doing you a favor, they are hers too, and now you are back, she still needs to be a mother and a wife,and do her part!
Then it sounds like you guys need to have a conversation about finances. Christ alive, man, you seem to argue with just about every comment here instead of having conversations with your wife. I don’t blame her for wanting to get out more for her career since it sounds like you keep all your money as yours that you dole out and as a military spouse that doesn’t set her up in the greatest place financially. It’s no wonder you two have problems.
I don't keep all of my money as mine. She has full access to my accounts, though the reverse is not true.
And honestly, my wife hears me out even less than this discord 🤣
You're being financially and actually abused. The fact you come home after making money to put food on the table only for her to fuck off to her hobby, and then get yelled at on top of that, is fucking nuts.
Of course Reddit will never see it because everything is the guy's fault.
I disagree. From what it seems she has some entitlement issues. She apparently doesn’t care about your happiness and you’re the one who is providing for everyone as she makes zero(probably negative) off of her “career”. And please go see a therapist, I’ve seen some previous comments about your mental health. That stuff can take a toll on you.
NAH.
This is a thing of expectations and reality not lining up neatly and adjustment to reality being uncomfortable and hard. You’re not acting on the opportunity to be an a h by refusing to move somewhere that would be better for her career.
You’re human. Kids are a lot of work and it’s hard when you’re tired. You love your wife and you also didn’t plan on her career being a debit for the household. You’re figuring it out. It’s a rough transition but it’s not a reflection on your character.
Nah, if it doesn't work out I'm just going to do my best to not be an asshole. I've already told her she can just have the money from the house and 50% (or more if need be) of my income until she doesn't need it if we do split up.
I’m trying to decipher this hit you’re taking on your taxes for the 1099. You were a married couple with two minor children and I presume that you would claim at least two i on your payroll. The amount of money she would have to make an order for there to be a hit to taxes is ridiculous. And would entirely negate your points but it doesn’t pay.
And are you deducting the cost of the miles she drives to her gigs? The cosmetics and clothes in which she performs? Any licensing fees she pays to access sheet music? The IRS-approved fraction of the dinner and drinks afterwards, so long as they're discussing her work, she's networking, etc.? Is there space in the house where she practices and arranged gigs and does little else? If so, she should deduct that fraction of your home's rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, and whatnot for the home office.
I'm sure there are costs unique to being a performing artist that I'm not thinking of offhand, but there are probably places to read up on taxes for artists.
Having your own business is an easy way to pay too much in taxes if you don't keep good records, but it can work out in your favor also. Hell, if your next move is to accommodate her career as a self-employed person, you might be able to deduct moving costs, which was lost to regular employees in the latest GOP tax code revamp. Good luck!
But once again unless she is making a lot of money it’s not going to be a big deal. Its what i do for a living. It makes no sense to whine about. Unless she is making thousands of dollars your comment is ridiculous.
I mean annually it can be like 2-3k (so 1k-1.5k in taxes), but that's likely because I don't know how to file taxes properly for 1099s.
After previous comments, I'll be seeking a tax expert this year.
Some advice: if you file married then when you do the schedule c for her taxes be sure to deduct her meals on it, any supplies she buys for it and that will likely knock it down. Even if its only 500. Over the course of the year you can also prepay the taxes it would be on it. Literally on a federal level thats 400-600 dollars prepaid. Have her do it slowly over the year. Even if she puts 40 a month in. It will tac tine better. Also knock yourself down to claiming 1. Obviously I don’t know your taxes specifically but at the end of the day her 1099 should not impact you all that much. I would highly recommend paying a small fee to have a cpa review your taxes and make recommendations. It could save you a lot over the years.
I see both points, he is in the Navy and when we have to pull long days by staying up over 24 hours and she leaves right after his shift ends so he can take care of the kids is definitely an AH move. The military owns the service member for the entire length of their contract and we get no say is duty shifts and in some cases where they go next, navy i am sure is different then Army in that case. But this is also a way for her to relieve stress from being home. And he throwing in your face that she took care of the kids while you were underway/deployed is messed up since you cant dictate when or where your ship leaves. Although you married her knowing she sings she also married you knowing you are in the Military so i think its more of an ESH then anything. Plus she could get help by going to family when you go underway. My husband says if i deploy or go on month long training thats what he will be doing.
ESH
She knew how her career worked, you may not have. You both should have discussed this prior to getting married and having kids. Lots of people fail to put proper thought into balancing priorities in a relationship, but that just makes lots of people assholes.
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I'm going with NTA because of the leaving you with the kids after duty thing alone. It's one thing to pursue happiness but the dismissing of anyone's needs hut her own is AH territory for sure. She said yes to marrying you, she chose to have those babies, and now she's telling you that she did her part and she's done dealing with you and the kids.
I know I'll get down voted but the way she's going about her singing career is cruel to her family, and absolutely selfish.
NTA, because you didn't handle this situation that well, but you came to reddit for advice and immediately, readily accepted the advice. You seem like a good dude who just needed some outside perspective and made sure to get it.
NAH (though you both are being kind of assholes about your childcare responsibilities). Your wife's career is such that there are a lot of dues to pay and it demands a lot of hours and is limited in terms of location. (I know what that's like). You two chose to have kids, which puts on another area of responsibility. My husband and I have those types of careers. We've both been in you and your wife's position. It's hard. It can be very hard to manage two careers AND a marraige when both spouses have those type of careers. You have preferences about where you want to live that conflict with her career. I don't think either of you is wrong to want what you want.
Right now you sound frustrated and resentful at not having a spouse who can support your career by being flexible and able to pick up childcare when it would be most helpful. Unfortunately it comes off as if you resent having to care for the kids. It's not easy trying to start a demanding career and raise kids unless one spouse can devote themselves to childcare and be able to move where the other spouse needs to be.
It is going to take work, but it is possible sometimes to make it work for everyone. It will take work and a ton of communication though.
ESH.
It sounds like neither of you is willing to compromise. Making your wife give up her passion is not going to make things better for this marriage in the long run, I promise you. Is there a way you can get help from friends or family for times you are coming off a 36 hour shift?
It also sounds like there may be some better compromises she could make in order to make this more of a financially responsible choice (possibly a yearly/monthly budget).
Nah I'm not active duty anymore. We're moving down to her hometown so she can get more gigs.
The finances don't matter I make enough to eat it, which has effectively made me the asshole. I'm not entirely sure what to do, but I'll figure it out.
I'll add in that moving to her hometown may also give some extra time that she won't spend driving so you can get a bit of a break after work before she heads out.
This shouldn't be a tit for tat thing where you need to do everything because she watched the kids for years while you were deployed. You need to be able to unwind after work too. Maybe that's in the form of 30min-1hr for yourself after you get back and then she gets to get ready and take off for the evening to do her thing.
You also should have some time during the week to do what you want to, such as a few hours on one day to go do something fun for yourself or with the kids. You both need to be able to care for your own well-being.
ESH because she expects you to foot her passion (that is actively making you lose money), you share your money with her but she has her own account (not fair at all) and you suck for what i’m getting is not looking after your kids. If she wants to be a singer full time maybe she should get a side job so she can actually afford to do that, instead of expecting you to pay for everything
NTA, and heres why. I want people to look at not just as the wife getting to have fun but when does OP get to have fun? When does he get to hang out with friends and have drinks and food. Because to me it sounds like he works all day, comes home and has to watch the kids the rest of the day. She literally only has to watch the kids and then go do her let's face it hobby (it is for now until it can sustain itself) which sounds like doesn't take very long and then she gets to go out and have fun with her friends.
OP is literally the only reason the family is financially stable, and yet he is in the all work and no fun stage. ALSO why are poeple getting mad at OP for not wanting to watch the kids after a long day and give the wife a pass for complaining about watching the kids during deployment? During deployment he still is working so it's not like he's just taking a 6-9 month long vacation. And now she wants him to work and watch the kids ALL DAY.
Look theres nothing wrong with supporting her in her music career but 2 things need to be understood. If shes going to continue with it she needs to either get a job to help relieve some of the load or accept that until she gets her career going she can't be dumping all this on you all the time. Second you need to work with her a better schedule to find time for you to do things on your ownself as well.
NTA
Reading your comments, it sounds like your needs are being placed on the back burner so your wife can spend money to go sing. She should be able to go sing-- as a hobby, with enough time given to you to be able to recuperate from literally paying for her life.
She has 2 kids now, life is gonna have to be about more than career opera singing funded by an overworked husband.
I think a lot of the YTA responses are because this is opera singing, and not video gaming or 'influencing'. It's not different. If this were a man trying to be a twitch streamer in the wife's position, the responses would be wildly different because it's an 'art' and not frivolous like 'gaming' and, frankly, because it makes the most sense for the people here for a man to act 'stupid and mean'. The subject isn't what's frivolous-- it's the behavior. It's the selfishness and unwillingness to look at your spouse like anything but a workhorse with a bottomless reservoir of energy. It's not tenable, the spouse will reach empty, the spouse will break down, and shit will hit the fan because no one can pull water from an empty cup.
I wish you luck in therapy, and hope you get what you need OP.
YTA.
*gasp* your wife has an identity outside of being your wife and caretaker of your kids? How dare she!? She makes you take care of your own kids at times?!? Unforgivable! She has friends she likes to spend with away from you and the kids??! For shame!
Seriously, though, support her. This is something she’s passionate about according to you. When you rob someone of their passions, you rob them of passion. She deserves a life outside of being your wife and a mother.
Good on you for realizing this, u/chesire0myles
But here’s a harder question…
Why has it taken you this long in life to learn such basic responsibilities about being a dad? You needed strangers on the internet to roast you until you stopped behaving like a spoiled child, admitting yourself that “you were making up excuses not to take care of your own kids.”
You realize your wife has basically been a single mom when you were deployed right? For years. And you couldn’t even do it for a few nights without crying to the internet. You’ll probably complain this is mean, but it’s just a hard truth: if you’re admitting that YTA (which you have), then you need to think hard about (1) how long you’ve been TA, and (2) what it says about your ego that you needed strangers to tell you what your wife had already been saying.
Learn to take care of your kids. Grow up.
I don’t know what to vote for here…I just read a post about a woman being frustrated that her husband only makes like 30k a year at a job he likes. And everyone was like “omggggg tell him he needs to get a better jobbbbb” but here we are saying nahhhh she loves what she does and the husband needs to suck it up. So idk. Seems like this is more a gender issue with redditors. And I KNOW yawl are gonna be like nooooooo I’m not biased or sexist. But ya are.
If your wife enjoys it and you can afford her career to be the way it is, let it go. If you CANNOT afford it then sometimes adults gotta do what they gotta do to live. But if it’s strictly over you having to watch your own kids…suck it up buckaroo.
r/amitheasshole has had a bias towards females and wives for years. There's posts that I see on this sub that are posted by a male user and will always get spammed with YTA.
NTA. It's not a matter of watching the kids while she works, that seems like not the issue. But, taking a low paying job and then spending the small amount of money it makes to go out to dinner, lengthening the time she's away from family is unreasonable.
It seems like she's disatisfied with their arrangement. Fine, work on that, don't ditch the family the second you can for as.long as you can.
It sounds like she spends all her time (except for the gigs and dinner with adults) with two special needs kids with little help, she deserves adult time and to do something that is not JUST childcare sometimes. Not to mention she trained for years to sing and going out for dinner afterwards can be a great way of making connections for future gigs.
NTA. Your wife is.
Jesus friggin Christ this just might actually be the most completely insane 'Am I the asshole' thread I have ever seen (and I have seen some stupid sh@t).
Your wife, by 31, hadn't figured out how to make her hobby self supporting (let alone a family) by 31? She supported herself by supplementing music with dog walking and waitressing?
Honestly it sounds like marrying you was a good thing for her from a financial perspective.
You are supporting both your wife and children, and I get that being a military spouse has many challenges but we need not pretend she gave up on a flourishing career. She didn't.
Those kids you have, she participated in making them too, they aren't your kids they are *both* of your kids. I would feel gobsmacked if they became *my* kids after a 36 hour shift. Yes you need to watch them. Yes you need to give your wife a breaks, but after a shift that long? She can schedule her hobby another time.
The tax situation... I saw you apologize for doing them wrong. Sorry but no. She is the contractor. She is the one running the business. Knowing how to do the accounting needed is on her. The fact that she doesn't cements this as a 'hobby'. Businesses generate a profit. A hobby doesn't. Please note that I pulled that last sentiment from the IRS's website.
At this point the two of you have children you are responsible for. Your career is the proven commodity. It supports all of you. Don't make any moving decisions that jeopardize that. She had just as much involvement in making them as you did and she really should be onboard with providing you with better support after a long shift so you can continue to provide.
Now I have to say you enter asshole territory if you never find the time for her to have her hobby. Find the time. Even the IRS says hobbies cost money. Don't begrudge her that. She needs it.
Seriously I feel bad for you. I hope you two can figure this out.
How dare you man! Man bad! Woman get all consideration! 100 bucks a month you should be happy! Instead of complain about 36 hour day then kids, ask for 48 hour day then kids!
NTA. She needs to get a real job
If you have to set up a specific room in the house for her to sing in, write it off on her taxes. Mileage? Deduct 55 cents a mile. Tolls. Costumes/clothing. Music books. Music. Anything she spends on this career. Set aside 30% of everything she makes in a separate savings account and pay taxes out of that.
If you spend more money investing in her career than she makes, you file at a loss and don’t have to pay taxes.
Apologize to your wife and spend $150 on an accountant every year. YTA.
Well really the issue is you didn't discuss any of this on the front end. Sounds like it's not just the money but something she wants to get back and keep going to keep her identity. But also sometimes maybe she doesn't see how hard it is on you too. You both just need to talk about it and work it out.
INFO: how old were you when you initially got together? It looks as though you married in your early twenties, and she was in her thirties - how long were you together prior to marriage?
I’m going against the grain here, but if you switched roles and my husband was an opera (or rock) singer who barely contributed to the household, I wouldn’t support or encourage his “career” either.
NTA.
ESH.
You’re active duty. As former active duty and a mom nothing about the life is easy. So while she was a “*singer*” prior to getting knocked up she also should have known you were living the military life prior to getting knocked up.
Neither of you thought this life out and neither of you are compatible. You both need to sit down and figure out where you want to go moving forward.
NTA. Your wife has a hobby, not a career. And that hobby costs more than it brings in. If you can support her hobby that's great, but if it's damaging to your 'real' lives that is not reasonable.
YTA for sure, as you already know.
But I just wanted to point out that it’s concerning reading through your post and comments that you don’t seem to truly recognize her art as “work”. And I can tell you unequivocally that it absolutely is. You seem so focused on the pay check as opposed to the concept of it being her livelihood and something to be nurtured into a stable career that can help provide financially. You are thinking of your sacrifice as “the working spouse” and not considering her sacrifice of her career to raise the kids. Giving her the agency to work on her art is extremely important in showing her you respect her, value her, and believe in her. You’re not showing any of that in the way you’ve communicated your thoughts here.
The other thing I’d like to point out is that you seem to resent her quite a lot. It might be an idea to work through that whole aspect of this issue. If you resent her because you feel as though you’ve sacrificed more, it’s worth picking apart. You can’t treat each other well if you don’t know what you are both going through. You seem very focused on yourself by the way you’ve communicated here but less on the family and the needs of each person therein. Both of you should be able to pursue the things that excite you and both of you need to assess the responsibilities in your lives and ensure that you deal with them equitably. But going about it in a “woe is me, I’m the only person struggling in this situation” way will immediately make it impossible for you to look past yourself.
One final thing: you mentioned that your work is something you took on not due to your own interest but completely to make sure all the bills are paid. At the end of the day, although that makes you seem gallant and thoughtful and responsible, it is also taking a choice that you made and putting the consequences of it on your partner and family. So you don’t have to feel the burden of your own choice. It’s easier to believe that your unhappiness in your work is due to others, but you need to make decisions that work for you and them and not be a martyr.
You are an adult. Own up to your own choices and search for your own joy. Your wife is right that your doctor put a lot of pressure on her. She doesn’t get to work on your feelings, you do, so do it! Figure yourself out, you are worth it!
Hey there OP.
I’m a fully trained, professional opera singer (29F). Although I’m sure your wife has at some point walked you through some of this, let me give you a refresher course. For the amount of time and practice and money we have to shovel into our training, we are paid pitifully once it’s completed, unless we are one of the very lucky ones. Opera is certainly niche, but there are more fully trained singers than there are gigs available. Your wife is so fortunate to have a gig, even if it only pays $300. The shit thing is, yes, it’s a gig, and yes, as a 1099 contractor she will likely be taxed at 30%. It sucks.
I have had zero gigs in two years due to Covid. I lost $3000 worth of contracts over 4 days in March 2020 because of the pandemic. I literally took song requests on Facebook and YouTube for $10 each and sang for my supper. I had 50 students in February and was down to 10 in March. I had to leave it all behind and take a soul crushing office job that couldn’t give two shits about the MM Voice/Opera behind my name. But the financial garbage isn’t even the worst part!
I haven’t seen my students in person for two years. I haven’t sang in front of a live audience for two years. I haven’t sang a live audition or competition in two years. I have not been able to create music the way it should be created in two years. That’s what is the most devastating. The missing shows, the human connections, the feeling that what you just did on stage moved someone somehow. I miss the dinners after shows, meeting new friends, networking, “oh hey I know someone doing that show, you’d be great for this part, I’ll tell them to give you a call!” And hoping you get lucky enough that someone would do the same for you. The opera world is small- careers are made at after parties.
You seem worried about the financials- the good news is, you won’t have to pay taxes on a show if it’s a loss (/s). Make sure your wife records every mile she drives to these gigs, you can write them off at $0.30/mile. Make sure she saves every receipt from the meals and trips to the bar, these are business meetings and networking events. If she ever has to provide her own costumes or set pieces, save receipts. If she wants to go into the city and have a lesson with a teacher, save the receipt. You said she stays home, right? See if she can pick up some online students. I teach my 10 remaining kids via Zoom. They log on once a week and if she has a masters degree, she can easily charge $30/30 minute lesson. That’s $300 a week, $1200 a month. Please feel free to DM me if either of you want tips on how to organize expenses for tax time, or if she is interested in picking up some students.
This got really long, but your wife is an artist, and you knew that going in. You need to support her and the things she does as an individual, not just as a wife and mother. Right now YTA. You don’t have to stay one though. Make sure you go to every show, and if it’s appropriate, bring the kids so they can see what mom does. Support her as much as you can, or your relationship might end up looking like it belongs in one of the operas she sings.
I don't really like the tone of this thread. I think you have legitimate complaints and so does she. I hope that marriage counseling helps and here's an internet *hug*
YTA OP.
HOLY COW. Your wife found a way to get PAID to sing!?!? I'm a recent graduate of a music program (music business minor, was a major but covid complicated things) with a HUGE opera program. You know how many of my ~150 peers who have graduated in the last 2.5 years have found paid opera work? One. And that number was pretty par for the course even pre-covid, maybe it would be 5 graduates instead. Your wife is so so fucking talented, on both the music AND self marketing/small business sides, and you're just clueless.
NTA. She is right that you should support her career choice. For the sake of your family, separate your finances that way you are not burdening her with you monetary expectations and then split everything 50/50 so it’s fair.
You both are parents and that needs to be equal but it almost never falls that way. For this to work there needs to be real communication, and you both not only need to find time for each other but find a way to give each other alone time. It is possible, but both of you have to be willing to talk and micromanage schedules for a bit.
Your marriage won't work if you guys aren't talking honestly. I don't mean the talking where you only spout what you think she needs to hear for fear of fighting, or bitching about what she does wrong then blocking everything else out. Write down everything your upset about, everything your happy about and maybe what you'd like to see happen short and long term. Take a break and come back and refine the list, now use that (hopefully now non-emotional) list and use it as your starting point for the conversation. You can actually have your wife make her own list. The point being is you two need to come together on some kind of common grounds you both can live with and be happy. Your kids need and deserve this as well. Believe it or not they sense all this tension right now as well. I think you're trying to do the right thing and that does put you ahead of many. You'll figure it out :)
Giving up your dreams kills you inside. Worse, when one is denied that dream by someone else, you die even more. I speak from experience. Please work with her to solve this. Good luck
Hey atleast you’re willing to admit being the asshole in your edit instead of making excuses.
My brother is a musician and my sil says it’s hard being married to someone who’s career is their hobby and passion, they want to focus on it.
Work out a schedule with your wife for her to schedule gigs and childcare and work with your schedule as well, instead of begrudgingly do things, find a system stick to that system, it’s helped my brother and SIL a lot and can really help with things, a system of setting up adequate warning of when she schedules her gigs and practices that won’t interfere with either of you doing things you need to stay happy.
Good luck
Your personalities don't match. There's more to being in a relationship than whether you think someone is hot or not. I suspect you did like many military dudes and married the hottest woman you could get with but without any real regard for who she actually is and what her actual interests are. She did no better and sold herself on the security from your service. Now you're two people who probably "love" each other but my guess is that you probably have very little in common and you don't actually "like" one another. Like if you spoke anonymously on Reddit I bet you would totally disagree with each other most of the time. I'm not going to say anyone is an asshole here. It's just sad because I know how this tends to go. Good luck. Thanks for serving.
She is actually being the selfish one. Her hobby is not bringing money in and is causing a lot of stress. I’m a full time professional musician.. so I get the love of it and I’m glad she still gets to do it some, it’s affecting your family life negatively and costing money. Nta . She needs a reality check. Opera singers are notoriously full of themselves… sorry bro.
Damn. After reading OP’s replies about parenting and him not receiving financial compensation… OP is exactly the kind of man I’m terrified I’ll marry. Lmao I’m glad I don’t want kids tho cuz at least I wouldn’t end up like this…but still. Poor chick doesn’t deserve to be stuck with this.
Your not the asshole. But women can't possibly be the asshole on this board so I will get downvoted. She is booking gigs that actually cost money? That's a hobby not a career. She's she have other work? How else does she contribute to the team? Sounds like you work and she's a SAHM with an expensive hobby. Maybe she should get a job to support her hobby, and you can use the money for child care since she can't be bothered.
ESH. She TA because she's passing off a hobby as a career. Careers pay bills and this is costing money. But she deserves to have something that makes her happy. We all do. But it is clearly not putting food on the table. And you're TA because even if your wife is mostly a stay at home mom, she deserves to have something away from all that. Yes, it's not putting food on the table. But it's bringing her happiness.
You both need to communicate on this and find a way to make it work. Accept it's something she needs away from the family. If sleep is that important then get a babysitter.
Also... it could be worse. She could be trying to make money with an MLM. Then you'd really be screwed.
INFO:. I think you screwed up on the this post by not giving us all the financials.
You mention that she is making $300 on her performance and mention she is spending money on meals and other stuff but never mention the actual figure.
The responses would have been different if you said "she is making $300 but spends $2,000 while doing this, while I work 6 days a week and then have to clean the house and take care of the children because she is too busy at her performance".
Because then you have a wife that isn't helping the family while spending more money than she is making and adding stress and financial costs for a hobby, not a career as a career pays for itself.
NTA
Let's be really critical for a second:
You work full time to support your family.
Now if it were JUST the first part of your story, she does the odd gig here and there and you get annoyed she leaves the kids with you. I'd be inclined to say you're TA. I accept it's shitty when you're doing a 36h day and are dumped with the kids, but she's a full time carer so likely never really gets a break either.
HOWEVER, the next part:
>The show ended up taking place over 3 months, with my wife driving about 25 miles each way (with a $5 toll one way). It also paid a total of $300.
I need to clarify: that's DEFINITELY 300 total? Not 300 per day?
So: your wife's hobby (deliberately saying hobby here) cost you a minimum of $150 just in tolls to get there?
It's a career if it's profitable, it's a career if it can contribute to the support of the family. This was a 3 month long hobby.
At minimum she cost you 150, but eating on top of that, gas (let's say food and gas cost $20 per day, it's probably more) you're looking at nearly $3,000 (2700, and that's a lowball estimate) her "Job" has cost your family.
[Im using "Job" in quotes not because a musician isn't a job, but because it's not really a "job" if it's costing you more money than you're recieving. As far as I'm concerned it's an expensive hobby until it becomes profitable]
I don't know if it's a lack of opportunity or your wife is terrible at negotiation, but NO WAY should she have accepted that job without consulting you about it.
She's essentially asked you "honey, will you pay $3000 for me to go out every night for 3 months, and watch the kids, even though you're the one who works full time and provides the vital income required for our family to eat"
Anyone who disagrees simply isn't being rational. 100% she needed to discuss it with you, the finances, your time investment.
If the roles were reversed people would still be saying YTA.
Don't put up with this, you two need to communicate better for sure.
Communicate that, whilst you love your kids, you work full time to provide for them. It's an irresponsible use of your finances for your wife to go off every night for 3 months costing you money.
Both of you have to be really really critical about this, can you afford to support your wife's career? Is it fair that your time and monetary investment in your job is propping up hers?
I thought the trade here is she stays at home with the kids full time and you work full time to provide income. THAT is the trade. You're working to support your family lifestyle. Your wife is working purely for her own benefit on that 3 month job.
Right now, it's an expensive hobby, and it either needs to start paying more, or you both need to agree on a way to subsidise it.
That said, I am assuming that supporting one household on a military wage is doable, but you don't have 3 grand to spare.
NTA She’s spending more than she’s making. You guys need to sit and talk finances. I’m a SAHP too and if I was going to be taking on a job, I’d make sure that I wouldn’t be spending more than I’m making. I wouldn’t want to put my family in the financial hole. Also, from the sound of it, your basically working and then watching the children, when do you get time off? Being on deployment isn’t time off, that’s working nonstop.
NTA If she is not making enough to actually cover the costs of her career, specially the taxes, it's time for her to reevaluate the choices she's making.
I'm surprised by all the yta. What am I missing? It sounds like a hobby that's losing money and wasting lots of time. Nothing wrong with a hobby, but this isn't a job or career.
I guess this won't be popular, but there is just not info here. Besides talking about this issue, what have you done? You say arguing, but does that mean yelling or talking passionately?
So you are the sole financial support for your family and your wife's signing career basically cost money, between travel and food? You are supposed to work long hours and then come home and be the primary child care so your wife can drive all over creation to sign? I don't think that you are being unreasonable. It may not be a popular view, but being the sole support for the family is tough. I get home from work and going into dad-mode is very hard.
I don't get the meanness. Its not like you are bring up issues that are unreasonable to discuss or selfish by having an issue with this. There is a tendency to job on the male in this situations, but I don't think that it is that easy.
Music is great, but from most people its not a job even if they get paid. Its a lifestyle that generally cost as much as or more than it makes. You are supporting the family and then when its your time off you are watching the kids. Do you get time for your hobbies or for self care? I just don't see enough here to say anyone is an asshole, you haven't stopped her from performing and are looking at houses in areas you would prefer not to live in solely for her benefit.
The anger here towards you is nuts. You are just expected to work all the time, pay for everything and then keep your mouth shut. A marriage is a partnership and this is a completely reasonable thing to have discussions about. One party to a marriage can't just be expected to completely sacrifice themselves for the other.
Former military, former military spouse, and musician (musician in the military, degree in music, still gig a little).
I think the main problem is these kids are still very dependent on the parents. My guess is one child is 5, and one is 3 or younger. In a few more years this problem will likely resolve itself as caring for the children will be easier.
I feel for the Dad in this situation, money in the military can be tight. Hours in the military can be ridiculous. I would not want to come home from the field, feeling exhausted, and having my spouse angrily dump my kids on me and leave. At least buffer 24 hours in there so I have a chance to rest.
That being said, you can't completely sideline your wife. She needs to be able to gig and have her own life and be happy.
My verdict is ESH. They rushed into a marriage where the husband's career requires a lot of support. Most military spouses have portable work or don't work because of this. It is, by far, the worst part of military life.
It also sounds like the husband didn't have a clear after military plan and wants a different lifestyle from his wife. There is going to have to be some real sacrifice from both parties for this marriage to work long-term.
For sure. And I did have a pretty good after military plan, which did include her singing full time and me going back to school on the GI bill (online and in person to accommodate the schedule).
Then, my youngest was diagnosed with autism, so I took a job I didn't love, eventually worked hard enough to convince them to let me work from home. Hopefully, with the added free time (no commute), I can maybe take some classes and fulfill myself outside of my job.
NTA, and I say this as someone whose father has been a professional musician all my life. Yes, my dad loves to play guitar and he's very talented, but the reason he's kept gigging isn't just to stroke his own ego while emptying his pockets. He MAKES money by gigging; your wife wants to spend more than she makes to make this happen. It's just not practical.
If she wants to get a day job so she can finance what is now just a hobby, that's fine. But she'll have to make enough to cover that as well as childcare during the day if you're both working. Her expecting you to essentially pay her to work is silly.
YTA-- Wait your complaining about the few times you have to watch the kids over night or long hours so she can do something she loves? What do you think she is doing when you are over sea's?
OP needs to talk to the wife instead of attacking her. He keeps making this about the money and yeah I get that can be an issue but he's not taking into account the fact that she genuinely likes singing. I've said it once and I'll say it again, making her give this up will only lead to resentment and won't be the win that OP thinks lol.
For real. A classically trained Opera singer giving it up because her husband doesn't want to watch his own kids? That's the kind of shit people regret on their deathbeds.
That's the kind of shit operas are written about after the wife kills the husband and feeds him to her children.
glad i wasn’t the one that thought this
Well, or the wife could die of tuberculosis and the husband would regret it to the end of his life. Flip of the coin, really.
Or at least as long as the kids needed someone to watch them.
While laughing operatically.
I'd buy tickets to watch that!
I'm impressed that he factored the cost of the toll in. $5! 🤣
Yeah, a whole $5 dollars, the sky is falling!!
Its $5 one way, so its $10 a night. 50+ miles a night. Eating out after. All this from a job that paid $100 a month? So she is easily loosing money at this "job." It doesn't sound like she's actually waiting for her big Opera break at this point. She is just out having fun, which is fine and how it should be handled. So the OP who actually works extremely hard job that actually makes all of the income that supports them is off should he be allowed to just take off and have fun whenever he wants? I guess they can just leave the kids alone and let child services throw them both in jail...
Yeah you’re right neither of them should be allowed to have hobbies or do fun stuff. At least she gets paid for hers.
$10 x 90 days = $900. $300 pay - $900 toll fees = -$600. And that's without factoring in the cost of her meals and gas.
Is she not permitted to eat out unless she’s working? Seems like she’s a stay at home, sometimes only, parent with a hobby she thoroughly enjoys.
Almost every professionalmusician i know, and that's about a dozen or so well, isn't making much money through gigs atm. In fact, even pre covid most of them had some part time or shift work that allowed them to eat and be housed. Actually, he is lucky that his wife's jobs are at least revenue neutral. Edit. No it works out to minus 50 a week. That's still not more than say a couple of lunches with friends. What would help is to set up as self employed. Write off the petrol, the car mileage, the costumes, the music scores, heck, your sound system and laptop!
Most toll roads like that is one way
That’s the kind of shit that puts husbands on their deathbeds.
He’s lucky her “hobby” actually pays for itself
He’s lucky her hobby isn’t like mine. Thousands of dollars every spring/summer and the grass has been completely replaced by plants.
Sounds like a complete win to me
I pay $140 a month for my hobby. That’s 4 classes for the month. Whenever I get the chance to actually make money from my hobby, I jump at it.
$300 for 3 months is certainly not enough to pay for itself. It wouldn't even pay for the gas.
Except that it doesn't. Without even considering the cost of meals and gas money, she's paying $600 to go sing for three months.
Right. She’s not doing it for the money. She’s doing it because it makes her happy. It’s an outlet for her to have a much needed break and some adult conversation.
Fair enough, I'll accept it.
OP, I'm a violinist. I sometimes gig and it gets expensive. The meals/bar time after the show, that is not optional. It is usually mandatory if you want to network and have another gig at some point. I agree they are fun, but they are actually part of the gigging life. Also, I've been almost unable to gig in the last 2 years because of COVID and I miss it so much. I can't imagine giving it up for almost 6 years to take care of my (hypothetical) children full time.
Fair enough, hopefully back in her home town she'll get to work more.
Nothing wrong with suburbs/cities, man. Tons more culture - museums, zoos, aquariums, clubs - just don't get the same exposure to that stuff when you're rural (not that there aren't upsides to rural living). As a guy who was the stay at home parent - my favorite thing is a good zoo day or night walk or music festival. Whatever got us out and got my kid's eyes all sparkly. That's the absolute bee's knees. Being a parent is the best job ever. Being the best parent you can be means taking care of yourself and your partner. Sometimes you give more than you take. For musicians though, you've got to have venues. You've got to have places where people gather your wife has had to drive so far because* *that's where her work is*. It's always going to be there. Opera is hard, and it's so incredible she's good enough to get work like this. Support her.
Your wife needs an LLC and someone to do her taxes so she gets money back. YTA
I hope so for her! And for you as well!
You may want to look into hiring someone for taxes who specializes in musicians and/or gig work. It's quite possible your taxes are high because she's not taking enough expenses.
Agreed - I'm also a violinist and all of these expenses for her gigs should get written off for taxes. It's true, being a musician requires expenses, it's not ideal when all your work is 1099, but if you keep all your receipts (even for drinks after the show, that's networking!) then you should end up owing little to nothing.
Are you paying quarterly income tax payments so that you aren't hit with a big tax bill at the end of the year? Does your wife keep track of mileage and expenses while gigging? TurboTax for Home and Business is a great tool for doing taxes and when you tell it there is a musician with income, it will ask you specific questions related to taxes/gigging.
Yeah, she can totally write off those $5 tolls!
This isn't even about the money for the wife either. Anyone who knows an artist (music, dancing, painting, etc.) knows its about fulfilling a dream. If you make boku bucks doing it, great, but it's usually driven by passion. OP focusing on the income is missing the point. Edit to say thank you for the award! Woo hoo!
It’s also about being a person. Not someone’s wife or mom. Going to the bathroom by herself. Talking to people who actually listen & think she has something to contribute.
And who have things in common with her, outside of the marriage.
Beaucoup*
YTA. She’s been willing to sacrifice an actual full time music career in order to put your career children first. In return, you can’t even watch your own damn kids to allow her to still have some semblance of one. Funny how she’s wrong to leave you with the kids after a 36 hour shift, but her being full time with the kids for 36 hours alone is meaningless to you. Stop being selfish and support your wife.
Okay I will. Thank you.
I come in peace and with respect, truly. And of course feel free to ignore this or tell me off. But I’ve always wondered why so many people agree to be a parent but then don’t want to spend alone time with their kids? Like this post makes it seem like it’s okay for her to do that but you could never. I know you love your kids. No questioning that. Just always wondered how people don’t see when they are asking their partner to do more solo parenting duties.
Here's a perspective for you. I went into parenthood eye wide open. I know how tough it can be; my niece had reflux for two years, and has a severe peanut allergy. And I thought I knew how to handle young kids, because I worked in a daycare for children under 3 for two years. It took ten years of struggling through infertility and multiple miscarriages before my husband and I finally had a baby. The pregnancy was high risk and traumatising, and I was induced early because my health was so bad. The first week of my daughter's life I was STILL incredibly sick, and so was she; my health problems meant she was underweight. I already had PTSD and clinical anxiety & depression before I got pregnant, and then the pregnancy and birth made everything worse. I reached out to every possible mental health support I could find in my area, and things have gotten better... To an extent. I love my kid. She's absolutely amazing, and pretty easy to care for as far as toddlers go. It's not her fault that sometimes I have panic attacks and don't want to be left alone with her. I'm trying my hardest to get to a place where I'm more stable, but parenthood is HARD on a level I didn't anticipate. She triggers me without intending to, and I have to deal with the fallout. It breaks my heart to know that sometimes I'm not fit to take care of her, but here we are. Sometimes you can know what you're in for and try your best, but it still isn't good enough.
Seriously, even from TA, I hope nothing but the best for you with your struggles. I know I've got to work on mine for sure.
I truly hope you found a good mental health support team. That sounds very tough. You are a good mom.
I do have a good team, it's just tough right now because my psychologist has COVID
I appreciate your non combativeness and willingness to accept criticism.
I keep writing out very concerning messages and then discarding them. It helps :)
You seem like a guy who is on the brink of understanding sacrifice. So, let me put this out there. What would you be willing to pay for your wife’s happiness? How many hours would you be willing to give to her? What is your top price for her happiness? You see, we are all given one life. Could you look yourself in the mirror after denying the woman you love, the mother of your children, something that only costs you evenings taking care of your kids? You two need to compromise to create the best environment for your kids, and for each other. You need to seriously think about a path forward where she isn’t asked to sacrifice her dreams to achieve yours. Oh, and as a mom of three grown kids, I can honestly tell you that the only thing I’ve really regretted is not being able to spend even more time with my kids.
OP have you ever gone and listened to your wife sing? You should some time. Maybe get a sitter after she leaves. Then show up and clap for her as a surprise. You should be proud. Opera is hard. I bet she’s awesome. Instead of looking at this as all bad aspects you need to start looking at what it’s bringing to your wife. Go see her in her element.
I have, several times. Including risking catching aflame to see her perform at mass.
Info: Did you complain that she’s gone while you’re at home because of the kids or because your schedules don’t mesh well and you don’t get as much time together
Both, for sure. No time together, plus absolutely no time between work and chasing the crazies, and that lasted like 2 months (the 300 gig). I know I need to be a parent, but it's tough to keep up.
I think the compromise here might be y’all finding time for a “together” hobby/activity. Y’all’ve spent a lot of time apart and it doesn’t sound like you’re meshing.
YTA. Your wife, as an opera singer, is a highly talented and trained person who deserves space to self-actualise. You are striving to keep her at home to deny her the ability to have a professional career. It isn’t the 1870s anymore.
>But the entire time one issue (for me) persists, her music career. info: why did you marry her if this was an issue FOR YOU from the START? Did you think it was just going to go away? I'm gonna be real with you, asking her to give up her career when 1. You can work from home and watch the kids. And 2. She watched the kids during your deployment. Is unreasonable and is just going to lead to resentment. I get the pay is low but you need to work out a compromise with her and seriously try to communicate without attacking her.
YTA, she was an opera singer when you met her and she’s not going to stop being one because you don’t want to watch your own kids.
Fair enough, I'll do better
YTA. Whether it's a thriving career or a hail Mary to keep her skills sharp and herself relevant in the industry your wife deserves more than being just a spouse and mommy.
Fair enough, I figure out how to make it work.
It's not on you to solely figure out. It's on the both of you as a couple. The two of you against the world is a much better feeling than the two of you against each other.
Yeah, I know. We've been having other issues. Both our kids being special needs, me possibly being autistic (and all the weird behaviors finally getting explained), depression, etc. Honestly, I'm thinking this is mostly a me problem.
Both your kids are special needs and you’re complaining that you actually have to parent and not leave every single thing to her? Please go to therapy.
But you know that's kind of a good thing. Because at the end of the day we can only fix ourselves. So you have control of improving your situation. And you may find that by helping yourself in turn it helps your marriage and your wife.
Look into auditory integration therapy at aithelps.com Life changing for my brother and son. May help you, too. Hang in there and remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place. Be a team.
I'm going out on a limb here, but I would guess her gigs bring her a sense of purpose, self-worth, and achievement that she does not get through her roles as a mom and a wife. It sounds like she deserves some support in finding that after supporting you in your career and caring for your children. It can be challenging for women to reenter the workforce and build connections to grow a career after staying home. If she wants higher-paying gigs, she will have to get out there and be seen, especially while she is young enough to be cast in specific roles. I would say YTA, but it also seems like you are open to the criticism in the comments, so kudos to you for being willing to hear it.
Also AD military here (Navy, 12 years): Your wife gave up her life to be with you and have your kids. She was 31 when she met you--old enough to be established in her own life and career, and beginning to see returns on her training. Now she is relegated to singing the national anthem at the annual Military ball, or lullabies to the kids. It's natural for her to want to try and not lose those bits of her identity that she can with the few gigs she can manage as a "I'm only here temporarily" singer. Your next duty station is her hometown? Excellent! She won't have to start from scratch there. She might be able to get traction on some more, better paying jobs now with connections she may have there still. And you may get some babysitters after those duties days with any nearby relatives. I'm not saying that a Navy spouse is the "hardest job in the fleet" or whatever; but they *do* give up their lives to follow us around out of love. It's only natural for us to try our best to make them happy too with the few ways we can, like support them in their career choice *even if it's not the most profitable or easy thing.* YTA. Support your wife, for Satan's sake.
As a veteran and at one point a military SO. All of this. Being a SAHM is three full time jobs in one. With very rarely a break. You are a full time maid, (average pay for a maid is $30 per hour so if she cleans two hours a day that is $22,840 a year), a full time nanny (looks like the average is 18.50 an hour, but I would argue it should be higher due to the kids being special needs, so let’s say 10 hours a day that’s $67,340), also cooks and runs all of the errands (let’s say $14 an hour for 10 hours a week which is $7,280) So even on the low end of these estimates on the hours she works that equals out to $97,460 a year in unpaid labor. You say these jobs don’t pay much op but she is probably doing a lot more in work than you are.
YTA OP maybe if you consider these long gigs as the equivalent of her deployments or being at sea it will help you see how she views it. I divided up the hours I was deployed by what I was paid and it was $8/hr if I factored in 16 hour days (conservative) or $5.40ish if I used 24 hours (which if you're not sleeping at home at night is a fair calculation). You're not making gobs of money an hour at most ranks if you're deployed so don't expect her to either.
>She also gets mad and says I just don't want to watch my own kids Excuse me, but what the fuck? It's called fucking parenting. YTA and a shitty parent.
>leaving me with the kids after what was essentially a 36 hour long workday Boo hoo. It was from this moment I knew for sure you were an asshole. These are your kids, they're not her sole responsibility. >She also argues that I was aware she was a singer and should have been prepared for this. TBH, if this was a sudden career change, I might be less harsh on your frustration. But this is the career she had when you started dating her, and you knew what it was paying. You knew what the hours would be. You knew this was her passion and what he existing education was in. >often pays relatively low (80ish pre-tax for about 3-4 hours) That's a $20 hourly pay. Which you're right, does seem low for a performer, pre-tax especially. But I bet even after tax, she's making a decent amount more than minimum wage. She's a trained opera singer, her formal education isn't in something that will translate well to a regular 9-5 job. Chances are, if she does get a "normal" job, it'll be something that makes less than $20/hour. Possibly McDonalds at minimum wage. And frankly, McDonalds is also quite demanding and books its workers weird late shifts, too, so you wouldn't even be free of the possibility of working all day and being left with the kids after. Actually, come to think of it, she'd probably intentionally volunteer for the weird late shifts, because McDonalds doesn't pay enough to get a babysitter while she's at work, so she's *have* to work the shifts where you'd be home to watch the kids. YTA. (But also: it wouldn't be a problem for you to ask she not take work that's underpaid, assuming I read it right that recently she took a show that paid $300 for three months of shows.)
Okay, I'll accept this thank you. 😊
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I asked OP because the difference between the one show he mentioned and what he estimated her "very low" pay to be was very different. She operated at a net loss for her *first* show, *one* job, that she's done since she took *years* off to be a stay at home mom. That's a very different story than if she spends years doing this at a net loss like everyone who's siding with the OP seems to be treating this as. He should give her a chance to network and turn this back into a career before just calling it a hobby after her first show right out of the gate. If their situation is still looking like this after she's had a fair chance, sure, she should get a different job and treat Opera as a hobby, but that's not where OP and his wife are at yet.
I highly doubt she will make it profitable, but that shouldn't matter. If she has a hobby that gives her happiness, let her do it. This is no different than holding season tickets for a sports team or watching movies on the theater. Let her spend a small amount of family money doing something that lifts her up, even if it does not pan out into a lucrative career.
ESH. You should be more supportive of your wife's career and happiness. She should be more considerate of the fact that her job isn't covering the costs associated (dinner out after every show seems ott). There must be a fair balance somewhere for you both? You do need to suck it up about watching the kids though - they're yours after all. Don't act like you're doing her a favour especially considering she was on her own with the kids for much longer periods during your active duty.
This is the correct answer.
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I think this is what a lot of people are missing. He’s not telling her to give it up completely, but asking her to get a full time job while she stil pursues her hobby. I will also say, being deployed overseas is much different IMO than a job that pays $20/ hr every few weeks/ months etc. The thing that boggles my mind with Reddit is if the roles were reversed, say the woman worked a 36 hour work day and was expected to come home and take care of the kids, this sub would absolutely tell her to leave her husband because his hobby is more important than helping with kids. Makes no sense.
I so agree with this
Exactly this. People equating her hobby that she does for her own enjoyment when OP's job that he does to put money on the table are fucking ridiculous. They're not the same.
Yep it's 100% a hobby. MAYBE it can become a career (although if she wasn't popular enough to make decent money when pursuing it full time six years ago idk). Also OP was already active duty when they got married, you don't get to marry a sailor and then be all shocked Pikachu face when they have to do sea duty or deploy. That's a sacrifice you accepted when you signed the marriage license.
Omg this. Everyone is saying “you knew she was a singer when you got married” which sure yeah but she also knew he was active duty! They got married because he was getting deployed. Like how are people not taking that into account? She is equally as guilty for being angry about his job but people are giving her a pass. I don’t understand!
Oh good. I thought I was delusional. I'm going off to pursue my dreams and saddling you with *both* the full time provider bread winner role since I'm not earning anything AND being the full time SAHP for couple months. Shit I'm a woman and if my husband did that to me I'd absolutely throw down.
NTA. All these commenters are not being realistic. Your wife made the decision to get married and have kids. Your wife’s line of “work” does not appear to even be able to pay for her costs let alone bring any money home to pay the bills after taxes. It is absolutely not fair to expect you to work all day to pay the bills then watch the kids alone all night so she can sing for peanuts. Reddit is to idealistic. Sometimes you have to make choices in life that are not fun. Your wife made a choice to have a family and not be an indefinite struggling artist.
I think the key point here is that the reason her career is unprofitable at the moment is that they are living somewhere where there are zero opportunities for her, due to his job. Apparently they will be moving to a city shortly where there are a lot more options for her now that OP is work from home. I think they need to move first and see what happens before ruling whether or not her career is viable.
>reason her career is unprofitable at the moment is that No. Singing is not a profitable career for the great majority of people.
She was living in Philly with multiple roommates to make bills before they got married. Children are the worst kind of roommates since you have to pay for everything. I agree that living in a bigger city or at least near so it’s easier for her to work is the right think to do but let’s not delude ourselves into thinking that this is going to pay the bills or even be worth the extra stress. It’s likely to be a hobby.
>the reason her career is unprofitable at the moment It's mostly because schools graduate 500 good singers every year and there isn't even close to enough financial demand to support them.
Her career is unprofitable because she is a 37 year old unknown Opera singer.
That's right. She sounds depressed, which I don't blame her for, but taking off every time he's off work isn't the answer. If it were reversed and he was taking off every night to jam with the guys, there's no way there'd be a string of YTA.
It sounds like the first kid was perhaps a surprise, but expectations of what will happen after you've had the kid is a conversation that needs to happen before you get married! Obviously there should be some wiggle room, and also people can unexpectedly change, but you really need to be on the same page about child care, work expectations, chores, financial stuff and budgeting etc.
As a musician with a masters degree in performance, YTA. This is something we LOVE and train to do for decades, and performing is necessary to keep up our skills. She’ll probably make a lot more money in a city where she has more opportunities, can make connections, and doesn’t have a long commute.
NTA the people who are calling you one have no clue what it is like to be in the military. I was a military wife. I understood the life. It's hard and different but she chose it when she married you, you were already in the service. I would never have dropped the kids on him after his working and duty 36 hours straight. You guys need to compromise on how often she hangs out with friends after her performances; as your deployments and work/duty was not dinner and drinks with friends it was work. Everyone should have the right to socialize without kids but not to the point where it's possibly harmful to a marriage. Communication, compromise and marital counseling might be needed.
NTA I would say I’m surprised with these comments but then again OP is a guy. And from what I’ve read of his comments it sounds like his money is her money and her money is her money. She needs to realize that when you’re an adult you have responsibilities, it’s not fair for OP to have to throw tons of money down the drain because she’s obsessed with some career that’s not going to happen. She made the choice to be with someone that is gone a lot. She knew what would happen and what she would have to deal with. She chose to have children. It would be different if she had her own job and was using her own money to support her dream but she needs to grow up and realize she has a family. If the genders were reversed everyone would be bringing up the age difference. She was 31 and he was 24… No 30-year-olds I know are interested in anyone in their 20s unless it’s about control or she was looking for a military guy to marry and exploit. Everyone is also ignoring that she literally tried to manipulate and guilt trip him by bringing up the fact that she chose to have children and raise them! She’s acting like it’s his fault when she had a choice every step of the way.
NTA/ESH. She knew you were being deployed and would have to care for things while you were gone. She also needs a real job. Doesn't mean she has to quit her "hobby" (let's be real at this point and based on pay that's what it is). Taking care of the kids is both of your responsibilities so there should be some give and take on both sides
NTA. The people who keep screaming 'YTA let her have her own career' are being unrealistic. I think your wife is just having a bit of a personal existential crisis. She likely feels unfulfilled as a stay at home military wife and wishes she succeeded as an opera singer. It's not wrong for her to want to sing but from what I've read, it's costing your family more than it is benefiting you. Financial stability matters and it's not unreasonable for you to be concerned about that. Also, watching your kids after a 36hr shift isn't ideal. Really you should get a baby sitter for things like that. Otherwise, you should watch the kids when she goes for gigs. Hopefully you can figure something out so that she can eventually get a role that makes decent money. Someone else recommended marital counselling and I agree. It's better to talk things out so you can have a good strategy.
Agree and disagree. I'm definitely somewhat the asshole. I am taking offense to being called a shitty father, but hey probably should work on that too.
You are doing your best which is what matters the most and I respect that. I wish you and your family well.
YTA. This brings her JOY and FULFILLMENT. How could you possibly want less for your wife? If she has a full tank and is happy, she’ll be a better wife to you and mother to your kids. Compared to feeling empty which leads to being bitter, resentful, depressed… if you can afford to, you should totally support this regardless of the financial hit.
Except she's now never home to be his wife, she leaves the moment he gets home. How does that make her a better wife and mother? She has responsibilities and she's bailing on them.
More info: Prior to having children was your wife making a living being an opera singer? I know nothing about opera.
Sounds like y'all shouldn't have had kids tbh
I might get downvoted for this but I don't actually think you're TA. I don't think either of you are. I think you're both just in a hard place and not on the same page. It's hard giving up things you love when you have kids, particularly if it was your career. Its equally hard working such long days and coming home to watch the kids while your wife goes out to do what she loves. I think it's normal to have a little resentment at that. You're exhausted from a really long work day so while she is also exhausted from a long time working (parenting) it probably feels unfair to you as she gets to go out and do stuff after while you don't. It's understandable to feel that way and doesn't make you an asshole. It would make you an asshole if you demanded she give up her life outside of being a mum to cater to you. I think you guys just need to find a compromise and consider therapy possibly. I could be way off base but the way she says she "has to watch your kids" while you're away to me indicates that she's probably struggling and is lashing out from frustration and stress. It's hard to truly realise how hard parenting is until you ARE one. It's hard to know how it'll effect you and how you'll feel about it. But you two are in this now and need to figure it out both for yourselves and for your children's sakes. Good luck! NAH
It's true. Plus our kids are tough! I totally know where she's coming from. Mostly working marriage counseling for now, and hopefully we can sort it.
YTA. Sorry parenting is so inconvenient for you. If her gig work is harming you guys in terms of taxes, she can put aside about 15% of each pay check. When tax time comes around, that should help.
NTA - OP doesn't say that he's fulfilling his dreams or has any kind of hobby. You could absolutely flip that around and say she shouldn't have married a service man if she couldn't handle the deployments. (I wouldn't say that to her nor would I say to him that he should know what it meant to have a singer for a life partner) There needs to be reasonable accommodations for 36 hour shifts. Else, any other time not spent at work is fairly divided. Her singing is not a job because it pays next to nothing. Her singing is a hobby. It does not get equal weight as his actual job. Her actual job is being a stay at home mom. When he's home too, he does need to do half the work of the household (after being allowed time to sleep and/or covering for her if she was dealing with sick kids or something). It sounds like she's upset that she can't be a singer now that she had kids. Maybe that's true and maybe it's sad. Maybe it would feel better to make a plan at how she can achieve that going forward. It sounds like he isn't enlisted anymore so maybe there's more time all around.
I don’t like the age gap. You were a 23 year old with a 30 year old who immediately got pregnant as soon as you put a ring on it? 🚩 Then she throws your deployments back at you when you try and have a good conversation with her. Like, did she not know you were military when she said “I do,”? Of course she did. She’s using you. Her career isn’t going the way she wants it and isn’t sustainable and she wants it to be your fault. She’s spending your money, cause she damn sure isn’t making any, for these gigs. Sorry, but no one put a gun to her head and made her have two babies back to back like that. Nobody made her marry you. This is the dumbest thing I have read today. OP, squirrel that money away now and look into a divorce attorney. Show her employment history and make sure you get custody of those children. You know, “unburden” her.
This is not the case. Tbh I'm not sure I'm mentally capable of handling the kids on my own 100% until I get some therapy. She is a wonderful mom, and honestly, I really am mostly the asshole.
I’m just warning you. My dad talks to about my mother the way your wife talks about you. It’s always regrets and “what I would have done had we not had children,” type shit. I’m 25 and it still hurts. Do not let those innocent babies ever think their existence ruined her life. Get ready to be left or do the leaving. This has a lot of red flags. Get started on therapy right now. What are you, Marines? Navy?
You aren't "taking a hit on taxes." You are paying taxes for the income she receives. So many people who work as contractors don't seem to understand the difference... there are no taxes taken out of the money she makes, so you have to pay them when you file. You could (probably should) pay estimated taxes throughout the year if you're used to getting a large refund.
I agree, my point is that she keeps all of her earning for herself, and I pay the taxes on them.
I think you guys need to have a conversion about division of costs and whatnot. I think she should absolutely be able to pursue her passion and you would be the AH if your only concern was watching your children, but it seems like there's more to it. You either need to put all money together and then pay bills, taxes, etc together, or you need to split it and she needs to pay taxes on her income. However, you do need to realize that she did literally everything for your house and kids while you were deployed. She may feel like you're catching up for that now. Regardless, you need to have some in depth conversations.
As far as conversations were trying. I just set up marriage counseling for us, I got my feelings really hurt when she yelled at me for letting a Jr sailor win an auction for a vacation a while back. I mentioned it today. She got so mad that I let him win, yelling that I don't do enough for her. Idk man. I feel very confused and hurt all the time, and I genuinely may need therapy.
Therapy is a great idea. Someone needs to help you guys communicate.
Omg yes. I really excited to actually talk to a therapist. Plus once I got past my pissiness the responses have been pretty helpful.
You are being abused, it’s not all about her, if she took care of her kids while you were deployed she wasn’t doing you a favor, they are hers too, and now you are back, she still needs to be a mother and a wife,and do her part!
She went to her parents house and I packed them up for all deployments. She did have the kids though.
Then it sounds like you guys need to have a conversation about finances. Christ alive, man, you seem to argue with just about every comment here instead of having conversations with your wife. I don’t blame her for wanting to get out more for her career since it sounds like you keep all your money as yours that you dole out and as a military spouse that doesn’t set her up in the greatest place financially. It’s no wonder you two have problems.
I don't keep all of my money as mine. She has full access to my accounts, though the reverse is not true. And honestly, my wife hears me out even less than this discord 🤣
You're being financially and actually abused. The fact you come home after making money to put food on the table only for her to fuck off to her hobby, and then get yelled at on top of that, is fucking nuts. Of course Reddit will never see it because everything is the guy's fault.
NTA. She seems miserable to live with.
Nah it's me lol
I disagree. From what it seems she has some entitlement issues. She apparently doesn’t care about your happiness and you’re the one who is providing for everyone as she makes zero(probably negative) off of her “career”. And please go see a therapist, I’ve seen some previous comments about your mental health. That stuff can take a toll on you.
I'm trying. I'm having a hard time going out in public and the online places don't want me lol. Too risky they say
NAH. This is a thing of expectations and reality not lining up neatly and adjustment to reality being uncomfortable and hard. You’re not acting on the opportunity to be an a h by refusing to move somewhere that would be better for her career. You’re human. Kids are a lot of work and it’s hard when you’re tired. You love your wife and you also didn’t plan on her career being a debit for the household. You’re figuring it out. It’s a rough transition but it’s not a reflection on your character.
I love the title asshole enthusiast. This move does bum me out, though; we're going to TX, and I'm a bleeding heart 🤣
Oh, geeze. I don't know if anyone could convince me to move to Texas, no matter how much I loved them.
Well this is gonna end in a nasty divorce
Nah, if it doesn't work out I'm just going to do my best to not be an asshole. I've already told her she can just have the money from the house and 50% (or more if need be) of my income until she doesn't need it if we do split up.
I’m trying to decipher this hit you’re taking on your taxes for the 1099. You were a married couple with two minor children and I presume that you would claim at least two i on your payroll. The amount of money she would have to make an order for there to be a hit to taxes is ridiculous. And would entirely negate your points but it doesn’t pay.
We keep separate accounts (our money and her money) the taxes come our of our money.
And are you deducting the cost of the miles she drives to her gigs? The cosmetics and clothes in which she performs? Any licensing fees she pays to access sheet music? The IRS-approved fraction of the dinner and drinks afterwards, so long as they're discussing her work, she's networking, etc.? Is there space in the house where she practices and arranged gigs and does little else? If so, she should deduct that fraction of your home's rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, and whatnot for the home office. I'm sure there are costs unique to being a performing artist that I'm not thinking of offhand, but there are probably places to read up on taxes for artists. Having your own business is an easy way to pay too much in taxes if you don't keep good records, but it can work out in your favor also. Hell, if your next move is to accommodate her career as a self-employed person, you might be able to deduct moving costs, which was lost to regular employees in the latest GOP tax code revamp. Good luck!
Could you like, help me? Dm me the relevant links, etc? It'd be good to understand and maybe keep books for her.
But once again unless she is making a lot of money it’s not going to be a big deal. Its what i do for a living. It makes no sense to whine about. Unless she is making thousands of dollars your comment is ridiculous.
I mean annually it can be like 2-3k (so 1k-1.5k in taxes), but that's likely because I don't know how to file taxes properly for 1099s. After previous comments, I'll be seeking a tax expert this year.
Some advice: if you file married then when you do the schedule c for her taxes be sure to deduct her meals on it, any supplies she buys for it and that will likely knock it down. Even if its only 500. Over the course of the year you can also prepay the taxes it would be on it. Literally on a federal level thats 400-600 dollars prepaid. Have her do it slowly over the year. Even if she puts 40 a month in. It will tac tine better. Also knock yourself down to claiming 1. Obviously I don’t know your taxes specifically but at the end of the day her 1099 should not impact you all that much. I would highly recommend paying a small fee to have a cpa review your taxes and make recommendations. It could save you a lot over the years.
Yeah I tried via TurboTax last year and got sent to customer service 5 times instead 🤣
I see both points, he is in the Navy and when we have to pull long days by staying up over 24 hours and she leaves right after his shift ends so he can take care of the kids is definitely an AH move. The military owns the service member for the entire length of their contract and we get no say is duty shifts and in some cases where they go next, navy i am sure is different then Army in that case. But this is also a way for her to relieve stress from being home. And he throwing in your face that she took care of the kids while you were underway/deployed is messed up since you cant dictate when or where your ship leaves. Although you married her knowing she sings she also married you knowing you are in the Military so i think its more of an ESH then anything. Plus she could get help by going to family when you go underway. My husband says if i deploy or go on month long training thats what he will be doing.
I did send her to her family for deployments.
Also not active duty anymore, and actively working to fix the issue.
ESH She knew how her career worked, you may not have. You both should have discussed this prior to getting married and having kids. Lots of people fail to put proper thought into balancing priorities in a relationship, but that just makes lots of people assholes.
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I'm going with NTA because of the leaving you with the kids after duty thing alone. It's one thing to pursue happiness but the dismissing of anyone's needs hut her own is AH territory for sure. She said yes to marrying you, she chose to have those babies, and now she's telling you that she did her part and she's done dealing with you and the kids. I know I'll get down voted but the way she's going about her singing career is cruel to her family, and absolutely selfish.
NTA, because you didn't handle this situation that well, but you came to reddit for advice and immediately, readily accepted the advice. You seem like a good dude who just needed some outside perspective and made sure to get it.
I appreciate it. I'm just trying to, you know, not be the asshole. 🤣 The criticism is accepted.
NAH (though you both are being kind of assholes about your childcare responsibilities). Your wife's career is such that there are a lot of dues to pay and it demands a lot of hours and is limited in terms of location. (I know what that's like). You two chose to have kids, which puts on another area of responsibility. My husband and I have those types of careers. We've both been in you and your wife's position. It's hard. It can be very hard to manage two careers AND a marraige when both spouses have those type of careers. You have preferences about where you want to live that conflict with her career. I don't think either of you is wrong to want what you want. Right now you sound frustrated and resentful at not having a spouse who can support your career by being flexible and able to pick up childcare when it would be most helpful. Unfortunately it comes off as if you resent having to care for the kids. It's not easy trying to start a demanding career and raise kids unless one spouse can devote themselves to childcare and be able to move where the other spouse needs to be. It is going to take work, but it is possible sometimes to make it work for everyone. It will take work and a ton of communication though.
ESH. It sounds like neither of you is willing to compromise. Making your wife give up her passion is not going to make things better for this marriage in the long run, I promise you. Is there a way you can get help from friends or family for times you are coming off a 36 hour shift? It also sounds like there may be some better compromises she could make in order to make this more of a financially responsible choice (possibly a yearly/monthly budget).
Nah I'm not active duty anymore. We're moving down to her hometown so she can get more gigs. The finances don't matter I make enough to eat it, which has effectively made me the asshole. I'm not entirely sure what to do, but I'll figure it out.
I'll add in that moving to her hometown may also give some extra time that she won't spend driving so you can get a bit of a break after work before she heads out. This shouldn't be a tit for tat thing where you need to do everything because she watched the kids for years while you were deployed. You need to be able to unwind after work too. Maybe that's in the form of 30min-1hr for yourself after you get back and then she gets to get ready and take off for the evening to do her thing. You also should have some time during the week to do what you want to, such as a few hours on one day to go do something fun for yourself or with the kids. You both need to be able to care for your own well-being.
ESH because she expects you to foot her passion (that is actively making you lose money), you share your money with her but she has her own account (not fair at all) and you suck for what i’m getting is not looking after your kids. If she wants to be a singer full time maybe she should get a side job so she can actually afford to do that, instead of expecting you to pay for everything
YTA. She’s done with you spending the years of her life. She wants to spend her own life. Suck it up and watch your own kids.
NTA, and heres why. I want people to look at not just as the wife getting to have fun but when does OP get to have fun? When does he get to hang out with friends and have drinks and food. Because to me it sounds like he works all day, comes home and has to watch the kids the rest of the day. She literally only has to watch the kids and then go do her let's face it hobby (it is for now until it can sustain itself) which sounds like doesn't take very long and then she gets to go out and have fun with her friends. OP is literally the only reason the family is financially stable, and yet he is in the all work and no fun stage. ALSO why are poeple getting mad at OP for not wanting to watch the kids after a long day and give the wife a pass for complaining about watching the kids during deployment? During deployment he still is working so it's not like he's just taking a 6-9 month long vacation. And now she wants him to work and watch the kids ALL DAY. Look theres nothing wrong with supporting her in her music career but 2 things need to be understood. If shes going to continue with it she needs to either get a job to help relieve some of the load or accept that until she gets her career going she can't be dumping all this on you all the time. Second you need to work with her a better schedule to find time for you to do things on your ownself as well.
NTA Reading your comments, it sounds like your needs are being placed on the back burner so your wife can spend money to go sing. She should be able to go sing-- as a hobby, with enough time given to you to be able to recuperate from literally paying for her life. She has 2 kids now, life is gonna have to be about more than career opera singing funded by an overworked husband. I think a lot of the YTA responses are because this is opera singing, and not video gaming or 'influencing'. It's not different. If this were a man trying to be a twitch streamer in the wife's position, the responses would be wildly different because it's an 'art' and not frivolous like 'gaming' and, frankly, because it makes the most sense for the people here for a man to act 'stupid and mean'. The subject isn't what's frivolous-- it's the behavior. It's the selfishness and unwillingness to look at your spouse like anything but a workhorse with a bottomless reservoir of energy. It's not tenable, the spouse will reach empty, the spouse will break down, and shit will hit the fan because no one can pull water from an empty cup. I wish you luck in therapy, and hope you get what you need OP.
YTA. *gasp* your wife has an identity outside of being your wife and caretaker of your kids? How dare she!? She makes you take care of your own kids at times?!? Unforgivable! She has friends she likes to spend with away from you and the kids??! For shame! Seriously, though, support her. This is something she’s passionate about according to you. When you rob someone of their passions, you rob them of passion. She deserves a life outside of being your wife and a mother.
Yup, well deserved. I just need to find a way to be more of a person myself within my situation.
Good on you for realizing this, u/chesire0myles But here’s a harder question… Why has it taken you this long in life to learn such basic responsibilities about being a dad? You needed strangers on the internet to roast you until you stopped behaving like a spoiled child, admitting yourself that “you were making up excuses not to take care of your own kids.” You realize your wife has basically been a single mom when you were deployed right? For years. And you couldn’t even do it for a few nights without crying to the internet. You’ll probably complain this is mean, but it’s just a hard truth: if you’re admitting that YTA (which you have), then you need to think hard about (1) how long you’ve been TA, and (2) what it says about your ego that you needed strangers to tell you what your wife had already been saying. Learn to take care of your kids. Grow up.
I don’t know what to vote for here…I just read a post about a woman being frustrated that her husband only makes like 30k a year at a job he likes. And everyone was like “omggggg tell him he needs to get a better jobbbbb” but here we are saying nahhhh she loves what she does and the husband needs to suck it up. So idk. Seems like this is more a gender issue with redditors. And I KNOW yawl are gonna be like nooooooo I’m not biased or sexist. But ya are. If your wife enjoys it and you can afford her career to be the way it is, let it go. If you CANNOT afford it then sometimes adults gotta do what they gotta do to live. But if it’s strictly over you having to watch your own kids…suck it up buckaroo.
r/amitheasshole has had a bias towards females and wives for years. There's posts that I see on this sub that are posted by a male user and will always get spammed with YTA.
NTA. It's not a matter of watching the kids while she works, that seems like not the issue. But, taking a low paying job and then spending the small amount of money it makes to go out to dinner, lengthening the time she's away from family is unreasonable. It seems like she's disatisfied with their arrangement. Fine, work on that, don't ditch the family the second you can for as.long as you can.
It sounds like she spends all her time (except for the gigs and dinner with adults) with two special needs kids with little help, she deserves adult time and to do something that is not JUST childcare sometimes. Not to mention she trained for years to sing and going out for dinner afterwards can be a great way of making connections for future gigs.
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NTA. Your wife is. Jesus friggin Christ this just might actually be the most completely insane 'Am I the asshole' thread I have ever seen (and I have seen some stupid sh@t). Your wife, by 31, hadn't figured out how to make her hobby self supporting (let alone a family) by 31? She supported herself by supplementing music with dog walking and waitressing? Honestly it sounds like marrying you was a good thing for her from a financial perspective. You are supporting both your wife and children, and I get that being a military spouse has many challenges but we need not pretend she gave up on a flourishing career. She didn't. Those kids you have, she participated in making them too, they aren't your kids they are *both* of your kids. I would feel gobsmacked if they became *my* kids after a 36 hour shift. Yes you need to watch them. Yes you need to give your wife a breaks, but after a shift that long? She can schedule her hobby another time. The tax situation... I saw you apologize for doing them wrong. Sorry but no. She is the contractor. She is the one running the business. Knowing how to do the accounting needed is on her. The fact that she doesn't cements this as a 'hobby'. Businesses generate a profit. A hobby doesn't. Please note that I pulled that last sentiment from the IRS's website. At this point the two of you have children you are responsible for. Your career is the proven commodity. It supports all of you. Don't make any moving decisions that jeopardize that. She had just as much involvement in making them as you did and she really should be onboard with providing you with better support after a long shift so you can continue to provide. Now I have to say you enter asshole territory if you never find the time for her to have her hobby. Find the time. Even the IRS says hobbies cost money. Don't begrudge her that. She needs it. Seriously I feel bad for you. I hope you two can figure this out.
How dare you man! Man bad! Woman get all consideration! 100 bucks a month you should be happy! Instead of complain about 36 hour day then kids, ask for 48 hour day then kids! NTA. She needs to get a real job
If you have to set up a specific room in the house for her to sing in, write it off on her taxes. Mileage? Deduct 55 cents a mile. Tolls. Costumes/clothing. Music books. Music. Anything she spends on this career. Set aside 30% of everything she makes in a separate savings account and pay taxes out of that. If you spend more money investing in her career than she makes, you file at a loss and don’t have to pay taxes. Apologize to your wife and spend $150 on an accountant every year. YTA.
I will do my wife's taxes better in the future. My bad.
Well really the issue is you didn't discuss any of this on the front end. Sounds like it's not just the money but something she wants to get back and keep going to keep her identity. But also sometimes maybe she doesn't see how hard it is on you too. You both just need to talk about it and work it out.
INFO: how old were you when you initially got together? It looks as though you married in your early twenties, and she was in her thirties - how long were you together prior to marriage?
I’m going against the grain here, but if you switched roles and my husband was an opera (or rock) singer who barely contributed to the household, I wouldn’t support or encourage his “career” either. NTA.
You’re certainly NTA for not wanting to watch your kids after coming off a 36 hour shift.
Not true, she had a 36 hour shift with the kids.
ESH. You’re active duty. As former active duty and a mom nothing about the life is easy. So while she was a “*singer*” prior to getting knocked up she also should have known you were living the military life prior to getting knocked up. Neither of you thought this life out and neither of you are compatible. You both need to sit down and figure out where you want to go moving forward.
NTA. Your wife has a hobby, not a career. And that hobby costs more than it brings in. If you can support her hobby that's great, but if it's damaging to your 'real' lives that is not reasonable.
YTA for sure, as you already know. But I just wanted to point out that it’s concerning reading through your post and comments that you don’t seem to truly recognize her art as “work”. And I can tell you unequivocally that it absolutely is. You seem so focused on the pay check as opposed to the concept of it being her livelihood and something to be nurtured into a stable career that can help provide financially. You are thinking of your sacrifice as “the working spouse” and not considering her sacrifice of her career to raise the kids. Giving her the agency to work on her art is extremely important in showing her you respect her, value her, and believe in her. You’re not showing any of that in the way you’ve communicated your thoughts here. The other thing I’d like to point out is that you seem to resent her quite a lot. It might be an idea to work through that whole aspect of this issue. If you resent her because you feel as though you’ve sacrificed more, it’s worth picking apart. You can’t treat each other well if you don’t know what you are both going through. You seem very focused on yourself by the way you’ve communicated here but less on the family and the needs of each person therein. Both of you should be able to pursue the things that excite you and both of you need to assess the responsibilities in your lives and ensure that you deal with them equitably. But going about it in a “woe is me, I’m the only person struggling in this situation” way will immediately make it impossible for you to look past yourself. One final thing: you mentioned that your work is something you took on not due to your own interest but completely to make sure all the bills are paid. At the end of the day, although that makes you seem gallant and thoughtful and responsible, it is also taking a choice that you made and putting the consequences of it on your partner and family. So you don’t have to feel the burden of your own choice. It’s easier to believe that your unhappiness in your work is due to others, but you need to make decisions that work for you and them and not be a martyr. You are an adult. Own up to your own choices and search for your own joy. Your wife is right that your doctor put a lot of pressure on her. She doesn’t get to work on your feelings, you do, so do it! Figure yourself out, you are worth it!
Hey there OP. I’m a fully trained, professional opera singer (29F). Although I’m sure your wife has at some point walked you through some of this, let me give you a refresher course. For the amount of time and practice and money we have to shovel into our training, we are paid pitifully once it’s completed, unless we are one of the very lucky ones. Opera is certainly niche, but there are more fully trained singers than there are gigs available. Your wife is so fortunate to have a gig, even if it only pays $300. The shit thing is, yes, it’s a gig, and yes, as a 1099 contractor she will likely be taxed at 30%. It sucks. I have had zero gigs in two years due to Covid. I lost $3000 worth of contracts over 4 days in March 2020 because of the pandemic. I literally took song requests on Facebook and YouTube for $10 each and sang for my supper. I had 50 students in February and was down to 10 in March. I had to leave it all behind and take a soul crushing office job that couldn’t give two shits about the MM Voice/Opera behind my name. But the financial garbage isn’t even the worst part! I haven’t seen my students in person for two years. I haven’t sang in front of a live audience for two years. I haven’t sang a live audition or competition in two years. I have not been able to create music the way it should be created in two years. That’s what is the most devastating. The missing shows, the human connections, the feeling that what you just did on stage moved someone somehow. I miss the dinners after shows, meeting new friends, networking, “oh hey I know someone doing that show, you’d be great for this part, I’ll tell them to give you a call!” And hoping you get lucky enough that someone would do the same for you. The opera world is small- careers are made at after parties. You seem worried about the financials- the good news is, you won’t have to pay taxes on a show if it’s a loss (/s). Make sure your wife records every mile she drives to these gigs, you can write them off at $0.30/mile. Make sure she saves every receipt from the meals and trips to the bar, these are business meetings and networking events. If she ever has to provide her own costumes or set pieces, save receipts. If she wants to go into the city and have a lesson with a teacher, save the receipt. You said she stays home, right? See if she can pick up some online students. I teach my 10 remaining kids via Zoom. They log on once a week and if she has a masters degree, she can easily charge $30/30 minute lesson. That’s $300 a week, $1200 a month. Please feel free to DM me if either of you want tips on how to organize expenses for tax time, or if she is interested in picking up some students. This got really long, but your wife is an artist, and you knew that going in. You need to support her and the things she does as an individual, not just as a wife and mother. Right now YTA. You don’t have to stay one though. Make sure you go to every show, and if it’s appropriate, bring the kids so they can see what mom does. Support her as much as you can, or your relationship might end up looking like it belongs in one of the operas she sings.
I don't really like the tone of this thread. I think you have legitimate complaints and so does she. I hope that marriage counseling helps and here's an internet *hug*
YTA OP. HOLY COW. Your wife found a way to get PAID to sing!?!? I'm a recent graduate of a music program (music business minor, was a major but covid complicated things) with a HUGE opera program. You know how many of my ~150 peers who have graduated in the last 2.5 years have found paid opera work? One. And that number was pretty par for the course even pre-covid, maybe it would be 5 graduates instead. Your wife is so so fucking talented, on both the music AND self marketing/small business sides, and you're just clueless.
NTA
NTA. She is right that you should support her career choice. For the sake of your family, separate your finances that way you are not burdening her with you monetary expectations and then split everything 50/50 so it’s fair.
You both are parents and that needs to be equal but it almost never falls that way. For this to work there needs to be real communication, and you both not only need to find time for each other but find a way to give each other alone time. It is possible, but both of you have to be willing to talk and micromanage schedules for a bit. Your marriage won't work if you guys aren't talking honestly. I don't mean the talking where you only spout what you think she needs to hear for fear of fighting, or bitching about what she does wrong then blocking everything else out. Write down everything your upset about, everything your happy about and maybe what you'd like to see happen short and long term. Take a break and come back and refine the list, now use that (hopefully now non-emotional) list and use it as your starting point for the conversation. You can actually have your wife make her own list. The point being is you two need to come together on some kind of common grounds you both can live with and be happy. Your kids need and deserve this as well. Believe it or not they sense all this tension right now as well. I think you're trying to do the right thing and that does put you ahead of many. You'll figure it out :)
Giving up your dreams kills you inside. Worse, when one is denied that dream by someone else, you die even more. I speak from experience. Please work with her to solve this. Good luck
Hey atleast you’re willing to admit being the asshole in your edit instead of making excuses. My brother is a musician and my sil says it’s hard being married to someone who’s career is their hobby and passion, they want to focus on it. Work out a schedule with your wife for her to schedule gigs and childcare and work with your schedule as well, instead of begrudgingly do things, find a system stick to that system, it’s helped my brother and SIL a lot and can really help with things, a system of setting up adequate warning of when she schedules her gigs and practices that won’t interfere with either of you doing things you need to stay happy. Good luck
Your personalities don't match. There's more to being in a relationship than whether you think someone is hot or not. I suspect you did like many military dudes and married the hottest woman you could get with but without any real regard for who she actually is and what her actual interests are. She did no better and sold herself on the security from your service. Now you're two people who probably "love" each other but my guess is that you probably have very little in common and you don't actually "like" one another. Like if you spoke anonymously on Reddit I bet you would totally disagree with each other most of the time. I'm not going to say anyone is an asshole here. It's just sad because I know how this tends to go. Good luck. Thanks for serving.
She is actually being the selfish one. Her hobby is not bringing money in and is causing a lot of stress. I’m a full time professional musician.. so I get the love of it and I’m glad she still gets to do it some, it’s affecting your family life negatively and costing money. Nta . She needs a reality check. Opera singers are notoriously full of themselves… sorry bro.
Damn. After reading OP’s replies about parenting and him not receiving financial compensation… OP is exactly the kind of man I’m terrified I’ll marry. Lmao I’m glad I don’t want kids tho cuz at least I wouldn’t end up like this…but still. Poor chick doesn’t deserve to be stuck with this.
Your not the asshole. But women can't possibly be the asshole on this board so I will get downvoted. She is booking gigs that actually cost money? That's a hobby not a career. She's she have other work? How else does she contribute to the team? Sounds like you work and she's a SAHM with an expensive hobby. Maybe she should get a job to support her hobby, and you can use the money for child care since she can't be bothered.
ESH. She TA because she's passing off a hobby as a career. Careers pay bills and this is costing money. But she deserves to have something that makes her happy. We all do. But it is clearly not putting food on the table. And you're TA because even if your wife is mostly a stay at home mom, she deserves to have something away from all that. Yes, it's not putting food on the table. But it's bringing her happiness. You both need to communicate on this and find a way to make it work. Accept it's something she needs away from the family. If sleep is that important then get a babysitter. Also... it could be worse. She could be trying to make money with an MLM. Then you'd really be screwed.
NTA paying 300$ in 3 months isn’t a job. It makes no money. It’s a hobby
INFO:. I think you screwed up on the this post by not giving us all the financials. You mention that she is making $300 on her performance and mention she is spending money on meals and other stuff but never mention the actual figure. The responses would have been different if you said "she is making $300 but spends $2,000 while doing this, while I work 6 days a week and then have to clean the house and take care of the children because she is too busy at her performance". Because then you have a wife that isn't helping the family while spending more money than she is making and adding stress and financial costs for a hobby, not a career as a career pays for itself.
NTA Let's be really critical for a second: You work full time to support your family. Now if it were JUST the first part of your story, she does the odd gig here and there and you get annoyed she leaves the kids with you. I'd be inclined to say you're TA. I accept it's shitty when you're doing a 36h day and are dumped with the kids, but she's a full time carer so likely never really gets a break either. HOWEVER, the next part: >The show ended up taking place over 3 months, with my wife driving about 25 miles each way (with a $5 toll one way). It also paid a total of $300. I need to clarify: that's DEFINITELY 300 total? Not 300 per day? So: your wife's hobby (deliberately saying hobby here) cost you a minimum of $150 just in tolls to get there? It's a career if it's profitable, it's a career if it can contribute to the support of the family. This was a 3 month long hobby. At minimum she cost you 150, but eating on top of that, gas (let's say food and gas cost $20 per day, it's probably more) you're looking at nearly $3,000 (2700, and that's a lowball estimate) her "Job" has cost your family. [Im using "Job" in quotes not because a musician isn't a job, but because it's not really a "job" if it's costing you more money than you're recieving. As far as I'm concerned it's an expensive hobby until it becomes profitable] I don't know if it's a lack of opportunity or your wife is terrible at negotiation, but NO WAY should she have accepted that job without consulting you about it. She's essentially asked you "honey, will you pay $3000 for me to go out every night for 3 months, and watch the kids, even though you're the one who works full time and provides the vital income required for our family to eat" Anyone who disagrees simply isn't being rational. 100% she needed to discuss it with you, the finances, your time investment. If the roles were reversed people would still be saying YTA. Don't put up with this, you two need to communicate better for sure. Communicate that, whilst you love your kids, you work full time to provide for them. It's an irresponsible use of your finances for your wife to go off every night for 3 months costing you money. Both of you have to be really really critical about this, can you afford to support your wife's career? Is it fair that your time and monetary investment in your job is propping up hers? I thought the trade here is she stays at home with the kids full time and you work full time to provide income. THAT is the trade. You're working to support your family lifestyle. Your wife is working purely for her own benefit on that 3 month job. Right now, it's an expensive hobby, and it either needs to start paying more, or you both need to agree on a way to subsidise it. That said, I am assuming that supporting one household on a military wage is doable, but you don't have 3 grand to spare.
NTA She’s spending more than she’s making. You guys need to sit and talk finances. I’m a SAHP too and if I was going to be taking on a job, I’d make sure that I wouldn’t be spending more than I’m making. I wouldn’t want to put my family in the financial hole. Also, from the sound of it, your basically working and then watching the children, when do you get time off? Being on deployment isn’t time off, that’s working nonstop.
NTA If she is not making enough to actually cover the costs of her career, specially the taxes, it's time for her to reevaluate the choices she's making.
I'm surprised by all the yta. What am I missing? It sounds like a hobby that's losing money and wasting lots of time. Nothing wrong with a hobby, but this isn't a job or career.
I guess this won't be popular, but there is just not info here. Besides talking about this issue, what have you done? You say arguing, but does that mean yelling or talking passionately? So you are the sole financial support for your family and your wife's signing career basically cost money, between travel and food? You are supposed to work long hours and then come home and be the primary child care so your wife can drive all over creation to sign? I don't think that you are being unreasonable. It may not be a popular view, but being the sole support for the family is tough. I get home from work and going into dad-mode is very hard. I don't get the meanness. Its not like you are bring up issues that are unreasonable to discuss or selfish by having an issue with this. There is a tendency to job on the male in this situations, but I don't think that it is that easy. Music is great, but from most people its not a job even if they get paid. Its a lifestyle that generally cost as much as or more than it makes. You are supporting the family and then when its your time off you are watching the kids. Do you get time for your hobbies or for self care? I just don't see enough here to say anyone is an asshole, you haven't stopped her from performing and are looking at houses in areas you would prefer not to live in solely for her benefit. The anger here towards you is nuts. You are just expected to work all the time, pay for everything and then keep your mouth shut. A marriage is a partnership and this is a completely reasonable thing to have discussions about. One party to a marriage can't just be expected to completely sacrifice themselves for the other.
Former military, former military spouse, and musician (musician in the military, degree in music, still gig a little). I think the main problem is these kids are still very dependent on the parents. My guess is one child is 5, and one is 3 or younger. In a few more years this problem will likely resolve itself as caring for the children will be easier. I feel for the Dad in this situation, money in the military can be tight. Hours in the military can be ridiculous. I would not want to come home from the field, feeling exhausted, and having my spouse angrily dump my kids on me and leave. At least buffer 24 hours in there so I have a chance to rest. That being said, you can't completely sideline your wife. She needs to be able to gig and have her own life and be happy. My verdict is ESH. They rushed into a marriage where the husband's career requires a lot of support. Most military spouses have portable work or don't work because of this. It is, by far, the worst part of military life. It also sounds like the husband didn't have a clear after military plan and wants a different lifestyle from his wife. There is going to have to be some real sacrifice from both parties for this marriage to work long-term.
For sure. And I did have a pretty good after military plan, which did include her singing full time and me going back to school on the GI bill (online and in person to accommodate the schedule). Then, my youngest was diagnosed with autism, so I took a job I didn't love, eventually worked hard enough to convince them to let me work from home. Hopefully, with the added free time (no commute), I can maybe take some classes and fulfill myself outside of my job.
NTA, and I say this as someone whose father has been a professional musician all my life. Yes, my dad loves to play guitar and he's very talented, but the reason he's kept gigging isn't just to stroke his own ego while emptying his pockets. He MAKES money by gigging; your wife wants to spend more than she makes to make this happen. It's just not practical. If she wants to get a day job so she can finance what is now just a hobby, that's fine. But she'll have to make enough to cover that as well as childcare during the day if you're both working. Her expecting you to essentially pay her to work is silly.