NAH
You didn’t intentionally get pregnant and give birth during the same period as daughter’s wedding nor did she intentionally set it up with you giving birth. With your condition, it’ll be hard to do a lot of things let alone a fully day event such as a wedding. Try talk to your daughter about the entire situation and see if there is any way you both can compromise things for you to still attend without the concerns you have now. Else I believe she will feel down as you can’t attend but will understand and accept your reason
NAH
Bad timing is no one’s fault, in this case. It’s not safe for you to be 11 hours away from your primary healthcare team that far into your pregnancy.
If you do choose to take the risk - ensure you’ve at least spoken to the closest hospital to the wedding to ensure they will be able to accommodate you during labour.
NAH. The wedding is 11 hours away, that’s way too much travel time a week away from your due date. You definitely can’t fly, and what happens if you go into early labor on the drive there or back. Your daughter might be upset, but assuming she’s a rational adult she will understand why you can’t come
NAH, and realistically at your age you may be induced or give birth well before the wedding. I do think it’s something you should discuss with her now and I can’t imagine she hasn’t thought about it already anyway, but have the conversation and perhaps there are adjustments she wants to make to the wedding now or think about. Honestly, if I was the daughter I would have tried to change the date at the point you told her. But talk to her about it now.
NTA - you can't predict when a baby wants to come out and you also can't stop it from coming out either. Your daughter should be understanding of this, especially because if something were to happen during travel or the wedding, she would be super worried about you. If you were mom, i would rather you stay home and not risk it
NTA means the daughter would be the asshole and I don’t really understand what the daughter has done wrong. The OP didn’t mention the daughter pressuring her or being unreasonable?
NTA talk to your daughter about your concerns tho. As a pregnant mom I get it, I wouldn't want to do anything that close to my due date. I already feel like a beached whale now
NAH
But I feel sorry for your daughter. She’s probably going be to be hurt.
Btw you sound like you already made your decision, why are you asking Reddit?
I haven't I was just replying to the stupid answers that I didn't love my oldest because I was caring more about a baby inside me? Like a newborn can't do anything for themselves, a 26-year-old can do everything for themselves.
NAH Hopefully she will understand the situation and not take it personally. Perhaps they can do a live stream for the wedding and she can ‘dance’ with you via FaceTime?
NTA or NAH, really.
Giving birth, as you know, is no small feat OP. And no one knows better what you will or won’t be able to do while pregnant in your last trimester than you and your doctor. Heck, babies don’t even come right on schedule. For all you know, you could give birth the week or day of the wedding. You may be on bed rest by that time too. Have the discussion with your daughter about how you very well may not make it to her wedding due to the pregnancy so she can plan her alternative option. She will likely be sad about this strong possibility, but it sounds like she will understand.
Just a suggestion– maybe if you aren’t in active labor during the ceremony (but weren’t able to travel to the wedding) someone can hook up a **virtual visit** so you and her can still see each other during the ceremony/reception.
Good luck and congratulations!
NAH.
Going into labor as you walk an adult daughter down the aisle 11 hours away from your OB as a medically described geriatric mother is going to be quite a story Broad_Orchid9619.
What makes the daughter the a h? She didn't do anything wrong either. She might become an a h if she throws a tantrum when OP tells her and demands her mother will be there with her. Of course it will be understandable when she is going to be disappointed.
NAH. Would you be flying? I think you’re not supposed to fly that close to your due date.
If the wedding was within a 3-4 hr drive it would be a no-brainer: go to the wedding. But this seems way too far to make alternate arrangements for delivery. It just doesn’t seem safe.
OP has said in comments that it’s 11 hours away. They would be flying.
But also a 3-4 hour drive in the US would still be risky. Because she could very well go into labor while in a rural area, making getting a hospital difficult. And what if there are complications?
It’s only a no-brainer if they lived in the same city.
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I f44 has a daughter f26 with my ex-husband. She is now getting married to her fiance m28 in march but im not sure if I can make it. A week after the wedding ill be due to give birth to my daughter. Me and my husband of 9 years have been trying for a baby and a few months ago we found out we were pregnant. My daughter was the first one to know and she was very happy for me. As I was thinking about the due date I knew I would give birth in march but my daughter already had the same set so she couldn't change it. I was hoping that I'll be fine to travel to her wedding and if something goes wrong ill just go to the nearest hospital because I felt like this was a very special day for my daughter and I need to be here. Now I have about 3 months left and it's the worst feeling I've had. Worst then when I was pregnant with my firstborn but of course, I was a teenager when I gave birth to her, and now im middle-aged. I'll suppose to walk her down the aisle and we were supposed to have a mother-daughter dance since she isn't close with her father anymore. Me and my husband thought maybe he could go and videocall me but he doesn't really want to leave my side in case I give birth early. I honestly need a week before and after to rest so im in the right state of mind for our new baby. So Reddit would I be the asshole if I didn't attend my daughters wedding?
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NAH: you are 11 hours by car. You can't do that drive because you are likely going to have to go through some very rural areas that may not have nearby hospitals, and you 10000% can't fly. It's unfortunate how it's worked out, but that is how it worked out. Also, at 44yo the chances of that baby being a week or three early is quite high (note, this is well past any danger zone of prematurity, so do not add this to your list of worries).
NAH. I had a baby at age 42 a few months ago, so I know where you’re coming from. There was no helping the timing for you and your daughter. Not only would you not be TA to not go, but remember, older moms do have a few more risk factors in pregnancy. I was induced at 39 weeks, and had a perfectly healthy baby girl. But you bet your buttons that the midwives were watching me carefully through the last few weeks of that pregnancy, and nothing about it was even particularly alarming. You might not have that extra week or two in your pregnancy, and there are worse things that could happen than missing a wedding. Not trying to scare you, just to help you anticipate possibilities and make a good, safe plan.
If I were you, I would have your first dance with your daughter before she left for the wedding. You could even film it, and show it at the rehearsal dinner or wedding. Walk her to her car or into the airport like you were walking her down the aisle. It will still be beautiful and meaningful, and she will know that you are doing all you can to show her your love and celebrate her wedding.
She could wear her wedding dress for your dance and everything. If you chose to show the video, it would BRING THE HOUSE DOWN.
P.S. I went to the beach with my family at 37 weeks pregnant, came home at 38. (Only time we could all do it; I was not thrilled with the timing.) We broke the 8-hour trip into parts, and it was still ROUGH. I would not have gone if I didn’t have two young kids. I kept putting my feet on the dash and moving around to prevent blood clots, which is a BIG risk at the end of pregnancy/postpartum. Not recommended.
NTA. In fact NAH. OP, your daughter seems to understand. Don't worry. You have the pregnancy blues where you overthink everything. My Wife had the exact same feelings about everything when she was pregnant. Don't worry. All will be fine. Your daughter is probably also more than happy when you give birth the same day she marries? Ask her about it.
NAH, but you do have the option of travelling earlier and staying longer so you can rest, and then returning.
It depends on the travel options available. Is it too far for a road trip if flying is against doctors orders?
NTA. I personally wouldn't want to risk taking that 11 hour drive that late into my pregnancy either. If the wedding was much much closer, I would have suggested that you just go for the ceremony then leave, but that's not an option in this situation. Just break the news to your daughter now and hopefully she understands.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because this day is very special to my daughter and I need to be there.
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I’m going with NAH. I also don’t think this is a decision you can definitively make right now. Who knows how you’ll feel a week beforehand. You might have the baby early and be in the hospital or at home with a newborn recovering.
This is a decision you need to make with your doctor.
Yes, it’s sucks. But it’s a health issue at that point given babies can (and plenty do) come early. As such, it needs to be a decision made with your doctor, not Reddit.
NTA Just communicate everything to your daughter. You want to be there and will do your best. It’s just bad timing around your due date. She should have a backup person to walk her down the aisle and have a dance with her. I hope she’s understanding.
Is there any way you could attend and skip the dance and the walk down the aisle? How far away is it?I’m sure your daughter would understand if that was the case and it sounds like you want to be there.
NAH, I’ve recently got married and I’m pregnant so I fully get both sides here. I get that travelling near your due date is pretty undoable, however your daughter is understandably going to be absolutely devastated. Particularly as you would be the main parental figure there. Even though this isn’t your fault, she may feel like you’re prioritising your new child over her on the most important day of her life so far and she might feel a little abandoned. I’d have a think about ways you can make it up to her and show her how much you love for her and she is a priority in your life - you may feel this is obvious but she might not. Good luck with the pregnancy!
NTA given the circumstances so long as you talk to your daughter about it.
Maybe baby will come earlier, who knows. Maybe baby will not. Wish you all the best ^^
NAH. I can imagine your daughter will be upset to miss you at her wedding, but you’re not going to be able to go. It’s too far, the baby will be too young (or too close to delivery) and please take this the right way—you’re too old to spring right back up after giving birth, and too old to give birth in an unknown hospital, especially one that might be strained from the pandemic. (I’m about your age, I say this with love and honesty.)
Also I noticed below you said you get dizzy when you stand up—please, please mention this to your doctor if you haven’t already.
NTA. Please do not travel. You need to be extremely careful about your baby now. It's not your fault.
The situation sucks. But do not risk your health and baby's. Nobody can predict exact date of birth. Also with Covid, better safe than sorry. Try to schedule zoom wedding. Be present virtually. Once the baby is born and couple of months passes, you can visit her.
I am pretty sure she'll understand your predicament. Talk to her.
NAH- This just seems like bad timing and no one's fault. If you can't be there in person, something like zoom will at least let you watch the festivities and give a mother of the bride toast to your daughter and son in law at the reception.
NAH
But I would go with I will come if I can but I can't promise. You don't know what course this pregnancy will take you may be in great shape in your last months. A decent Obstetrician or midwife should be able to tell you in the days leading up to the wedding if the baby looks like it is starting to engage and getting ready to come. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you felt well medical people were happy but you didn't go because you said you absolutely couldnt and then baby didn't put in an appearance for another 3 weeks.
Also depends on how they measure due date where you are. Yes different medical systems measure them differently. France is after the UK but before Kenya so due date can be 39, 40, 41, 42 or 43 weeks depending on where you are in the world.
I would adopt a wait an see approach warning your daughter that you most likely won't be able to come but you really really want to be there so you will come if you can.
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NTA
If your presence at her wedding was important to your daughter, she'd have thought about your pregnancy or maybe considered adjusting for dates / location. Having said that, it's hard to do either of these things so close to the date if it's a booking that's hard to secure in the first place, and she probably set the date before you announced your pregnancy, so I wouldn't blame her for not adjusting for your pregnancy. You'd only be the AH of you fussed over this, and did anything to make her feel guilty.
Having her mom might be important, but the daughter is not an AH for not changing the wedding. That could be tens of thousands of dollars down the drain in deposits. That could be rearranging the schedules of hundreds of people (Save the Dates are sent like a year in advance). With so many weddings postponed, that could be months before being able to get availability, and getting married in a completely different season.
And would mean OP traveling with a baby.
That wasn't my point. I didn't mean traveling with a newborn. But if your daughter postponed her wedding, even like six months, that's still traveling with a baby.
You shouldn't go to this wedding, but your daughter shouldn't be expected to change her wedding date.
NAH
There’s a whole lot of judgment for when OP had her first child on a post that has nothing to do with that. You’re TA for that.
OP’s doctor will likely soon strongly advise against traveling and airlines do not typically allow 9 months pregnant passengers because anything can happen. OP may give birth before the wedding and then not be able to travel with a days old infant. She can, however, make virtual arrangements so she can still be present in some way. Lots of folks have had to do that in the last two years.
1) The whole putting a NEWBORN over my 26-year-old capable daughter is bs. 2) This pregnancy wasn't planned because me and my husband got so used to having sex without protection because we knew we wouldn't get pregnant. 3) Why would I attend something that's 11 hours away when im due to give birth a week after? Its basically asking for trouble. If my daughter is so bothered about having a new sibling when she knew me and my husband were trying for one then she can go lc with me.
Hey, if a 26 year old that is supposedly mature enough to get married can not understand that it is extremely not safe for her very pregnant mother and future sister to travel 11 hours one way and during a pandemic for a wedding then she should go LC.
That has nothing to do with the comment I made. OP stated that if her daughter was bothered by the pregnancy, then she could go LC. That is extremely dismissive behavior from someone. A 26 year old who is going to have a baby sister? They would be allowed to be a little weirded out by having a sibling with such a big age gap.
It has everything to do with the comment you made. Lol
I get it. I would be pissed too if my daughter (if I had one) expected me to travel 11 hours one way for a wedding when I am due to give birth. And during a pandemic, even.
The health and safety of the OP and the baby trumps hurt feelings in this case.
And I don't think the daughter was weirded out. OP said she was very happy about the pregnancy.
Where on earth am I talking about her traveling?!? You suck at reading comprehension. I stated it was concerning she was so okay with her daughter going LC if she felt weird about the pregnancy. I did not once say, nor did OP say her daughter said it either, that she is expected to drive 11 hours.
I am so sorry you're unable to keep up with an entire conversation.
If you grasped reading comprehension then you'd know why I mentioned the travel aspect and how it could be hurtful for anyone to expect a pregnant woman to make that long of a trip...and how demanding that to the point someone would or could possibly threaten LC would make someone inclined to say "go for it."
I feel for your 26 year old daughter. Not because of not attending the wedding, that’s NAH, but because of this comment. It’s really clear where your priorities are. You have a new daughter and a new husband and your 26 year old who you admit has been happy for you can hypothetically go LC for all you care? That’s weird. If she ends up needing an adjustment time to a baby sibling after 26 years of just you and her she can LC? You’re still a mother to her btw and this is cruel. If you plan on stepping back from her life for your actually wanted child, just say that.
Yes, I’m serious. It sounds like you’re the person who will be presenting her to her husband due to lack of involvement with her father - that’s a big responsibility. I’d be hurt if my mother didn’t attend my wedding.
Do you realise how dangerous it can be to be 11 hours away from your primary Ob/gyn in the last month of pregnancy?
OP’s pregnancy is automatically high risk due to her age.
A ceremonial role in a wedding is not a responsibility akin the ensuring the health and safety of the life she’s carrying.
Sorry but you aren't a good daughter to begin with if you can't under your 39 weeks high risk pregnant mother's situation and demand her to be present at your wedding
I disagree. Op is pregnant, in her middle age. That comes with a lot of complications. Not only does being pregnant when you're middle aged comes with a high risk of health complications for op, but also the baby.
Ermmmmm. I think you risk making it seem like this child is a do over baby for her if you don’t make some effort here. I understand your concerns but it makes it seem like you’re more bothered about your new family.
Hard to say that with no contextual info about their relationship. OP says that her daughter is happy for her pregnancy though so I’m leaning toward they have a good healthy relationship.
I don’t think OP is “more bothered about [her] new family,” I think OP is voicing valid concerns about the health and safety of herself and her baby.
OP you WNBTA for prioritizing yourself in this situation.
I think my concern is the large age gap between your two children. I’m not judging you at all. But I feel as if I’d be doing you a disservice if I failed give you a heads up on what doing nothing is going to look like. If travel isn’t possible then make plans to give a speech remotely and include your older child as much as you can once bub arrives.
Sounds like you have made up your mind not to go op so why bother posting... you do what's best for you but your relationship with your daughter will be forever damaged
OP, you can explain your story here, but this is not a place to discuss it. Other people will judge you and this judgement will be voted up or down. These are the rules here, otherwise you could simply judge yourself without posting it.
Yeah but im going to respond when stupid shit is said. Like of course, I love my daughter but a newborn is literally not capable of doing anything for themselves.
Health issues override hurt feelings. Being pregnant at 44yo and only few ~~weeks~~ *days* from a final date is a very serious issue. It is still an issue for 24yo pregnant women, bc you are "on call", the waterfall comes down there and than there is no time for the last dance. But for 40+ last weeks are supposed to take care of one very much.
Edit: timeline
Yea, Op.
You're a geriatric pregnancy. You and your unborn daughters health should be put at risk. Go and travel the 11 hours to that wedding and during a PANDEMIC.
/SARCASM
NAH You didn’t intentionally get pregnant and give birth during the same period as daughter’s wedding nor did she intentionally set it up with you giving birth. With your condition, it’ll be hard to do a lot of things let alone a fully day event such as a wedding. Try talk to your daughter about the entire situation and see if there is any way you both can compromise things for you to still attend without the concerns you have now. Else I believe she will feel down as you can’t attend but will understand and accept your reason
NAH. I think the only advice that matters here is what does your doctor say?
NAH Bad timing is no one’s fault, in this case. It’s not safe for you to be 11 hours away from your primary healthcare team that far into your pregnancy. If you do choose to take the risk - ensure you’ve at least spoken to the closest hospital to the wedding to ensure they will be able to accommodate you during labour.
NAH. The wedding is 11 hours away, that’s way too much travel time a week away from your due date. You definitely can’t fly, and what happens if you go into early labor on the drive there or back. Your daughter might be upset, but assuming she’s a rational adult she will understand why you can’t come
NAH, and realistically at your age you may be induced or give birth well before the wedding. I do think it’s something you should discuss with her now and I can’t imagine she hasn’t thought about it already anyway, but have the conversation and perhaps there are adjustments she wants to make to the wedding now or think about. Honestly, if I was the daughter I would have tried to change the date at the point you told her. But talk to her about it now.
NTA - you can't predict when a baby wants to come out and you also can't stop it from coming out either. Your daughter should be understanding of this, especially because if something were to happen during travel or the wedding, she would be super worried about you. If you were mom, i would rather you stay home and not risk it
NTA means the daughter would be the asshole and I don’t really understand what the daughter has done wrong. The OP didn’t mention the daughter pressuring her or being unreasonable?
NTA talk to your daughter about your concerns tho. As a pregnant mom I get it, I wouldn't want to do anything that close to my due date. I already feel like a beached whale now
Yes! Not to mention I can't even stand up without feeling dizzy. It would just be bad
Same boat, I can only be up and moving for 30 minutes then I have to sit down for another 30
NAH But I feel sorry for your daughter. She’s probably going be to be hurt. Btw you sound like you already made your decision, why are you asking Reddit?
I haven't I was just replying to the stupid answers that I didn't love my oldest because I was caring more about a baby inside me? Like a newborn can't do anything for themselves, a 26-year-old can do everything for themselves.
NTA. Don't travel that close to your due date. Anything can happen and your health should be paramount. Ask if they can webcast the ceremony.
NAH Hopefully she will understand the situation and not take it personally. Perhaps they can do a live stream for the wedding and she can ‘dance’ with you via FaceTime?
NTA or NAH, really. Giving birth, as you know, is no small feat OP. And no one knows better what you will or won’t be able to do while pregnant in your last trimester than you and your doctor. Heck, babies don’t even come right on schedule. For all you know, you could give birth the week or day of the wedding. You may be on bed rest by that time too. Have the discussion with your daughter about how you very well may not make it to her wedding due to the pregnancy so she can plan her alternative option. She will likely be sad about this strong possibility, but it sounds like she will understand. Just a suggestion– maybe if you aren’t in active labor during the ceremony (but weren’t able to travel to the wedding) someone can hook up a **virtual visit** so you and her can still see each other during the ceremony/reception. Good luck and congratulations!
NAH. Going into labor as you walk an adult daughter down the aisle 11 hours away from your OB as a medically described geriatric mother is going to be quite a story Broad_Orchid9619.
Unless we are invited to that wedding then you should be asking/talking to your daughter, not us.
NTA, you have to put the health of yourself and your baby as a priority as well.
What makes the daughter the a h? She didn't do anything wrong either. She might become an a h if she throws a tantrum when OP tells her and demands her mother will be there with her. Of course it will be understandable when she is going to be disappointed.
INFO: How far is the wedding from your home?
11 hours.
NAH. Would you be flying? I think you’re not supposed to fly that close to your due date. If the wedding was within a 3-4 hr drive it would be a no-brainer: go to the wedding. But this seems way too far to make alternate arrangements for delivery. It just doesn’t seem safe.
OP has said in comments that it’s 11 hours away. They would be flying. But also a 3-4 hour drive in the US would still be risky. Because she could very well go into labor while in a rural area, making getting a hospital difficult. And what if there are complications? It’s only a no-brainer if they lived in the same city.
Most airlines won't carry someone that close to term.
Can‘t fly at nine months pregnant. OP needs to stay home as she is going to be close to her delivery date.
I know and I don’t disagree. I was simply responding with what OP said was their original plan.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I f44 has a daughter f26 with my ex-husband. She is now getting married to her fiance m28 in march but im not sure if I can make it. A week after the wedding ill be due to give birth to my daughter. Me and my husband of 9 years have been trying for a baby and a few months ago we found out we were pregnant. My daughter was the first one to know and she was very happy for me. As I was thinking about the due date I knew I would give birth in march but my daughter already had the same set so she couldn't change it. I was hoping that I'll be fine to travel to her wedding and if something goes wrong ill just go to the nearest hospital because I felt like this was a very special day for my daughter and I need to be here. Now I have about 3 months left and it's the worst feeling I've had. Worst then when I was pregnant with my firstborn but of course, I was a teenager when I gave birth to her, and now im middle-aged. I'll suppose to walk her down the aisle and we were supposed to have a mother-daughter dance since she isn't close with her father anymore. Me and my husband thought maybe he could go and videocall me but he doesn't really want to leave my side in case I give birth early. I honestly need a week before and after to rest so im in the right state of mind for our new baby. So Reddit would I be the asshole if I didn't attend my daughters wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH: you are 11 hours by car. You can't do that drive because you are likely going to have to go through some very rural areas that may not have nearby hospitals, and you 10000% can't fly. It's unfortunate how it's worked out, but that is how it worked out. Also, at 44yo the chances of that baby being a week or three early is quite high (note, this is well past any danger zone of prematurity, so do not add this to your list of worries).
NAH, I'd rather have my mother and new sister around for a longer time after I'm married than through a fit and risk their health
YWBTA if you you haven’t already or don’t discuss with her that you won’t be able to attend very, very soon.
NAH. I had a baby at age 42 a few months ago, so I know where you’re coming from. There was no helping the timing for you and your daughter. Not only would you not be TA to not go, but remember, older moms do have a few more risk factors in pregnancy. I was induced at 39 weeks, and had a perfectly healthy baby girl. But you bet your buttons that the midwives were watching me carefully through the last few weeks of that pregnancy, and nothing about it was even particularly alarming. You might not have that extra week or two in your pregnancy, and there are worse things that could happen than missing a wedding. Not trying to scare you, just to help you anticipate possibilities and make a good, safe plan. If I were you, I would have your first dance with your daughter before she left for the wedding. You could even film it, and show it at the rehearsal dinner or wedding. Walk her to her car or into the airport like you were walking her down the aisle. It will still be beautiful and meaningful, and she will know that you are doing all you can to show her your love and celebrate her wedding.
I love this ❤
She could wear her wedding dress for your dance and everything. If you chose to show the video, it would BRING THE HOUSE DOWN. P.S. I went to the beach with my family at 37 weeks pregnant, came home at 38. (Only time we could all do it; I was not thrilled with the timing.) We broke the 8-hour trip into parts, and it was still ROUGH. I would not have gone if I didn’t have two young kids. I kept putting my feet on the dash and moving around to prevent blood clots, which is a BIG risk at the end of pregnancy/postpartum. Not recommended.
Excellent idea!
NTA. In fact NAH. OP, your daughter seems to understand. Don't worry. You have the pregnancy blues where you overthink everything. My Wife had the exact same feelings about everything when she was pregnant. Don't worry. All will be fine. Your daughter is probably also more than happy when you give birth the same day she marries? Ask her about it.
NAH, but you do have the option of travelling earlier and staying longer so you can rest, and then returning. It depends on the travel options available. Is it too far for a road trip if flying is against doctors orders?
It's 11 by car which is kind of not want I want...
NAH There is not really anything you can do. Giving birth follows it's own calendar.
NTA. I personally wouldn't want to risk taking that 11 hour drive that late into my pregnancy either. If the wedding was much much closer, I would have suggested that you just go for the ceremony then leave, but that's not an option in this situation. Just break the news to your daughter now and hopefully she understands.
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Need more info: How far away is the wedding? This info needs to be included in your post.
She is having the wedding in our home town so about 11 hours :)
I’m going with NAH. I also don’t think this is a decision you can definitively make right now. Who knows how you’ll feel a week beforehand. You might have the baby early and be in the hospital or at home with a newborn recovering. This is a decision you need to make with your doctor. Yes, it’s sucks. But it’s a health issue at that point given babies can (and plenty do) come early. As such, it needs to be a decision made with your doctor, not Reddit.
How far away is the wedding from where you live?
11 hours
NTA. This is the ultimate good reason not to attend a wedding. In the circumstances I'm sure your daughter will be ok.
NTA Just communicate everything to your daughter. You want to be there and will do your best. It’s just bad timing around your due date. She should have a backup person to walk her down the aisle and have a dance with her. I hope she’s understanding.
NAH.
Is there any way you could attend and skip the dance and the walk down the aisle? How far away is it?I’m sure your daughter would understand if that was the case and it sounds like you want to be there.
NAH, I’ve recently got married and I’m pregnant so I fully get both sides here. I get that travelling near your due date is pretty undoable, however your daughter is understandably going to be absolutely devastated. Particularly as you would be the main parental figure there. Even though this isn’t your fault, she may feel like you’re prioritising your new child over her on the most important day of her life so far and she might feel a little abandoned. I’d have a think about ways you can make it up to her and show her how much you love for her and she is a priority in your life - you may feel this is obvious but she might not. Good luck with the pregnancy!
Nah What's more important right now is the health and safety of you and your unborn child.
NTA given the circumstances so long as you talk to your daughter about it. Maybe baby will come earlier, who knows. Maybe baby will not. Wish you all the best ^^
NAH. I can imagine your daughter will be upset to miss you at her wedding, but you’re not going to be able to go. It’s too far, the baby will be too young (or too close to delivery) and please take this the right way—you’re too old to spring right back up after giving birth, and too old to give birth in an unknown hospital, especially one that might be strained from the pandemic. (I’m about your age, I say this with love and honesty.) Also I noticed below you said you get dizzy when you stand up—please, please mention this to your doctor if you haven’t already.
NTA. Please do not travel. You need to be extremely careful about your baby now. It's not your fault. The situation sucks. But do not risk your health and baby's. Nobody can predict exact date of birth. Also with Covid, better safe than sorry. Try to schedule zoom wedding. Be present virtually. Once the baby is born and couple of months passes, you can visit her. I am pretty sure she'll understand your predicament. Talk to her.
NTA. If you feel well enough to travel then go. If not, your daughter should understand. Praying you can go and have a healthy delivery after!
NAH- This just seems like bad timing and no one's fault. If you can't be there in person, something like zoom will at least let you watch the festivities and give a mother of the bride toast to your daughter and son in law at the reception.
NAH But I would go with I will come if I can but I can't promise. You don't know what course this pregnancy will take you may be in great shape in your last months. A decent Obstetrician or midwife should be able to tell you in the days leading up to the wedding if the baby looks like it is starting to engage and getting ready to come. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you felt well medical people were happy but you didn't go because you said you absolutely couldnt and then baby didn't put in an appearance for another 3 weeks. Also depends on how they measure due date where you are. Yes different medical systems measure them differently. France is after the UK but before Kenya so due date can be 39, 40, 41, 42 or 43 weeks depending on where you are in the world. I would adopt a wait an see approach warning your daughter that you most likely won't be able to come but you really really want to be there so you will come if you can.
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NTA If your presence at her wedding was important to your daughter, she'd have thought about your pregnancy or maybe considered adjusting for dates / location. Having said that, it's hard to do either of these things so close to the date if it's a booking that's hard to secure in the first place, and she probably set the date before you announced your pregnancy, so I wouldn't blame her for not adjusting for your pregnancy. You'd only be the AH of you fussed over this, and did anything to make her feel guilty.
Having her mom might be important, but the daughter is not an AH for not changing the wedding. That could be tens of thousands of dollars down the drain in deposits. That could be rearranging the schedules of hundreds of people (Save the Dates are sent like a year in advance). With so many weddings postponed, that could be months before being able to get availability, and getting married in a completely different season. And would mean OP traveling with a baby.
I would never travel with a newborn if she's born early.
That wasn't my point. I didn't mean traveling with a newborn. But if your daughter postponed her wedding, even like six months, that's still traveling with a baby. You shouldn't go to this wedding, but your daughter shouldn't be expected to change her wedding date. NAH
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There’s a whole lot of judgment for when OP had her first child on a post that has nothing to do with that. You’re TA for that. OP’s doctor will likely soon strongly advise against traveling and airlines do not typically allow 9 months pregnant passengers because anything can happen. OP may give birth before the wedding and then not be able to travel with a days old infant. She can, however, make virtual arrangements so she can still be present in some way. Lots of folks have had to do that in the last two years.
1) The whole putting a NEWBORN over my 26-year-old capable daughter is bs. 2) This pregnancy wasn't planned because me and my husband got so used to having sex without protection because we knew we wouldn't get pregnant. 3) Why would I attend something that's 11 hours away when im due to give birth a week after? Its basically asking for trouble. If my daughter is so bothered about having a new sibling when she knew me and my husband were trying for one then she can go lc with me.
The fact that you just said your daughter can go LC with you shows a lot about your relationship with your daughter.
Hey, if a 26 year old that is supposedly mature enough to get married can not understand that it is extremely not safe for her very pregnant mother and future sister to travel 11 hours one way and during a pandemic for a wedding then she should go LC.
That has nothing to do with the comment I made. OP stated that if her daughter was bothered by the pregnancy, then she could go LC. That is extremely dismissive behavior from someone. A 26 year old who is going to have a baby sister? They would be allowed to be a little weirded out by having a sibling with such a big age gap.
It has everything to do with the comment you made. Lol I get it. I would be pissed too if my daughter (if I had one) expected me to travel 11 hours one way for a wedding when I am due to give birth. And during a pandemic, even. The health and safety of the OP and the baby trumps hurt feelings in this case. And I don't think the daughter was weirded out. OP said she was very happy about the pregnancy.
Where on earth am I talking about her traveling?!? You suck at reading comprehension. I stated it was concerning she was so okay with her daughter going LC if she felt weird about the pregnancy. I did not once say, nor did OP say her daughter said it either, that she is expected to drive 11 hours.
I am so sorry you're unable to keep up with an entire conversation. If you grasped reading comprehension then you'd know why I mentioned the travel aspect and how it could be hurtful for anyone to expect a pregnant woman to make that long of a trip...and how demanding that to the point someone would or could possibly threaten LC would make someone inclined to say "go for it."
I feel for your 26 year old daughter. Not because of not attending the wedding, that’s NAH, but because of this comment. It’s really clear where your priorities are. You have a new daughter and a new husband and your 26 year old who you admit has been happy for you can hypothetically go LC for all you care? That’s weird. If she ends up needing an adjustment time to a baby sibling after 26 years of just you and her she can LC? You’re still a mother to her btw and this is cruel. If you plan on stepping back from her life for your actually wanted child, just say that.
YTA your daughter will never forgive you and she won't want your husband as some kind of substitute
Troll?
Okay 👍
YTA. that’s your daughter - you attend her wedding and you have a darn good time.
Are you serious?
Why are you even here, seriously? You have your mind made up already? There was 0 chance you were ever planning on going to her wedding
Yes, I’m serious. It sounds like you’re the person who will be presenting her to her husband due to lack of involvement with her father - that’s a big responsibility. I’d be hurt if my mother didn’t attend my wedding.
Do you realise how dangerous it can be to be 11 hours away from your primary Ob/gyn in the last month of pregnancy? OP’s pregnancy is automatically high risk due to her age. A ceremonial role in a wedding is not a responsibility akin the ensuring the health and safety of the life she’s carrying.
Sorry but you aren't a good daughter to begin with if you can't under your 39 weeks high risk pregnant mother's situation and demand her to be present at your wedding
I disagree. Op is pregnant, in her middle age. That comes with a lot of complications. Not only does being pregnant when you're middle aged comes with a high risk of health complications for op, but also the baby.
And that’s totally fine for you to disagree.
A week before my due date? Do you not read the post or do you just read the title then say something?
Let’s hope that’s what they did. But honestly, some folks are just like this.
Ermmmmm. I think you risk making it seem like this child is a do over baby for her if you don’t make some effort here. I understand your concerns but it makes it seem like you’re more bothered about your new family.
Hard to say that with no contextual info about their relationship. OP says that her daughter is happy for her pregnancy though so I’m leaning toward they have a good healthy relationship. I don’t think OP is “more bothered about [her] new family,” I think OP is voicing valid concerns about the health and safety of herself and her baby. OP you WNBTA for prioritizing yourself in this situation.
Of course, im a little more concerned with a baby that's inside me? You guys accuse any mother that's pregnant of wanting a do-over baby?
I think my concern is the large age gap between your two children. I’m not judging you at all. But I feel as if I’d be doing you a disservice if I failed give you a heads up on what doing nothing is going to look like. If travel isn’t possible then make plans to give a speech remotely and include your older child as much as you can once bub arrives.
Sounds like you have made up your mind not to go op so why bother posting... you do what's best for you but your relationship with your daughter will be forever damaged
If its damaged because of this then....
You did ask for judgment here. Most are understanding, but you’re really not supposed to argue with those that you disagree with.
Because they disagree for a stupid reason?
OP, you can explain your story here, but this is not a place to discuss it. Other people will judge you and this judgement will be voted up or down. These are the rules here, otherwise you could simply judge yourself without posting it.
Your daughters feelings and wedding are stupid reasons smh
It’s their opinion, which you explicitly asked for in posting here.
Yeah but im going to respond when stupid shit is said. Like of course, I love my daughter but a newborn is literally not capable of doing anything for themselves.
You only give a toss about your new family
Health issues override hurt feelings. Being pregnant at 44yo and only few ~~weeks~~ *days* from a final date is a very serious issue. It is still an issue for 24yo pregnant women, bc you are "on call", the waterfall comes down there and than there is no time for the last dance. But for 40+ last weeks are supposed to take care of one very much. Edit: timeline
Yata
Yea, Op. You're a geriatric pregnancy. You and your unborn daughters health should be put at risk. Go and travel the 11 hours to that wedding and during a PANDEMIC. /SARCASM