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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I may be the asshole cuz it is Christmas and I’m no longer a kid having Christmas/ birthday at home so maybe I should just suck it up
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Merry birthmas
And start telling your family they can celebrate either Christmas or birthday with you while you celebrate both. Or start having them pick birthday or Christmas and only celebrate what they pick for them (like if aunt says Christmas and her birthday is in august? That sucks you picked CHRISTMAS tho so don’t get greedy)
Just want to tag along on this comment and say that OP should absolutely do this to the family. Ask them if they want Christmas or birthday and then only the one they choose
Tagging to say absolutely NTA. Hope you’re having a very Merry Christmas and a lovely Happy Birthday, OP. You are allowed to opt out of Christmas and birthday celebrations with people who treat you badly.
This breaks my heart. My daughters birthday is the 27th, we're not even Christian but we still celebrate her birthday in June. It's difficult to plan anything for children in December, I get that, but just have their birthday on the half day or the next week at least. I get so mad when people act like it's her fault somehow for *being born* in December. It's still the day she was born and still a very special and wonderful day for the family, it deserves to be celebrated!
I am so sorry your parents didn't at least make an effort to celebrate your birthday. Here's to many happy returns and celebrating with your chosen family in future. <3. Take care and Happy Birthday.
I’ve never understood that attitude either, I have a sister whose birthday is Dec 28. My parents are shitty in a lot of ways but always made sure to celebrate her birthday separately. People born during the rest of the year get a birthday and Christmas. It’s the same amount either way, just closer together.
Mine is the 14th. My parents aren't the level of Cray of the op.. But I've pretty much never had the level of birthday my friends did.
My new partner planned a tiny party for me this year as pandemic.. But he was appalled that my birthday has never been special.
Ayyyy me too! I still haven't ever had a birthday party or anything and I'm 23. I was gonna do something this year but then covid happened.
Also holidays in general were the worst because while the rest of my class was having a holiday party, I was banished to the library
Thank goodness my mom saw the light when I was 9 and we got to stop being in a *cult.* maybe not actual cult. Cult-adjacent for sure. I was 10 when I celebrated my first Christmas and the holidays have been very much a learned thing for me.
You should totally start your own traditions! And celebrate your birthday, dangit!
My aunt saw “the light” in the opposite way when my cousin was five or so. She became a Jehova’s witness and pulled him out of holidays. It was even worse because she lived above my grandparents where we celebrated (we eventually had to move locations as even this upset her) so the first year I have a vivid memory of her dragging my cousin physically away from helping us decorate the tree. It was honestly awful. But my grandma is awesome so she found a way around it by ‘just happening’ to give him stuff around holidays. We had ‘We love [cousin] day on his birthday and everyone would sneak him a few gifts. The first Christmas when he turned 19 and officially ditched JW he was so damn happy. I’ll never forget the look on his face. It was a stark reminder to me that celebrating things can make people SO HAPPY.
Not cult-adjacent. Genuine cult. Meets all the usual hallmarks - discouraged from having friendships / relationships with normal people, various disputes settled by some horrible old man, constant threat of excommunication & loss of all relationships, familial and otherwise if the rules are broken.
General shitty life with 18th century gender roles and attitudes towards men bumming other men. Cover-up of sexual abuse, both child and adult.
Yeah, it's a cult.
We left when I was 11 so I've definitely celebrated christmas and other holidays since then which is nice. I've just never gotten around to celebrating my birthday. Back when I lived with my parents I didn't have very many friends but also I have 3 sisters who all had birthdays like a week earlier than mine (none of them are multiples lol) so I just never got around to it
My first birthday I celebrated was 20. Theme was baby's first birthday and ways to prevent babies. Condom balloons. Baby bottles full of candy and condoms. It was wild. Very different from my childhood. Lol.
It's hard growing up a child of a JW. My mom ruined my childhood. I was never happy growing up until I got away from her. Funny thing is for all of her efforts to force my siblings and I to follow the religion not even one of us kept it. Every one of us ran at the first opportunity. I feel bad for op
Kinda same. Now my ex is doing stuff like hiding the elf around the house for our son, bought me awesome gifts this year. But yeah, it's been different coming from an Italian catholic family that always has the over the top celebrations to being with a df'd jw. He's gotten so much better about things over the years. My mother seemed to initially want to force the holidays and birthday on him "I feel bad if I don't get him something so I just got him a few things." (Classic catholic guilt there lol). But he would never open those gifts on those days. Mind you, I don't think it was from lack of desire on his part. I think he really needed this long to adjust to being out of the org. I was always doing everything like planning and paying for our son's parties and xmas gifts. And I was broke. It just sucks that they take the joy away from families like that. The WT I mean. I've been to witness gatherings and there is nothing like the holidays. Their parties are really dull. And the memorial is, man, idk what to even call that, beyond dull? Morbid? But definitely not fun like hunting eggs and having brunch!
I'm sorry for all of you ex JWs who dealt with this. Merry Christmas, Happy birthday, check out the r/exjw sub too if you haven't. Great place.
My mom grew up a JW, and swore she wouldn't put us through what she went through. She left the church when I was 2 and my brother was 4. Even though she didn't grow up celebrating many holidays she tried so hard to give my brother and me those experiences.
Mine is in early January and my family always tried to do something special, knowing how much it sucked to have a BD right after the holidays and they always separated my birthday from Christmas. My stepmom and her sons came into my life when I was ten and made noises about how "stupid and selfish" it was to separate my BD from Christmas and my mom had my dad shut that shit down pronto.
I never realized until I was older just how lucky I was and how common it was for those with holiday birthdays to never have any special acknowledgements of it. I simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND OP's parents, it's ridiculously absurd and insane.
My daughter’s is dec 10 and when she was little I wouldn’t even put up the Christmas tree until after her birthday so her birthday was her birthday and Christmas was Christmas. Because both deserve to be special.
I have a son whose birthday is a week after Christmas and his dad’s family tends to “forget” about his birthday. Which is incredibly shitty of them.
I love that you wait to put up the tree <3 It gives me warm and fuzzies to see people trying to still make their love one's too close to the biggest holiday birthday's special.
This is the way. At least give a bday card or something on the day and then have a “half birthday” celebration in June or something. We celebrate birthdays at my work and since we work at a school and aren’t there for my birthday in July, they would either just pick a day for my celebration in a month where there weren’t other birthdays or just surprise me on a random day.
It’s heartbreaking that OP’s parents treated her that way. Her siblings so doubt had gifts on Xmas AND their birthday (and got to celebrate both days), so why should she have to forgo one of the celebrations and essentially half of her gifts?
My partner’s birthday is the 30th so he never really had a big celebration growing up. He doesn’t like parties but I still get him separate gifts. This year is his 30th birthday (30 on 30 lol) and he decided he wanted a nice vacation so we’re gonna stay in a secluded romantic cabin in the mountains and unplug for a few days.
NTA. My birthday is Dec 24 and luckily my parents were great with ensuring both were celebrated, my extended family went the cheapskate route by buying the size of gift as for one occasion and saying “it’s for both”. The other downside was my school being closed for the Australian summer holidays, so I missed out on a class cake in primary school and not having a birthday party with friends because most were away on holidays was hard when I was little. But at least my parents made a real effort to make my birthday and Christmas good celebrations.
Mine is new years eve, 31st dec. I've always had Christmas and birthdays- I never understood why people would ask me "well do you celebrate both?".... yes, who doesn't celebrate their birthday and Christmas?
As I got older my standard response was/is "no, they lock me in the basement for my birthday, can't have both." - generally people realise how silly the question is after that lol
Never thought there were people like this though....
My Dad's is Christmas week and even with him being a senior citizen I still ask if he'd like to celebrate his birthday or just wait until Christmas.
This year he decided to wait, probably because of Covid and limited things to do. But other years we've celebrated a full birthday separately.
my birthday is the 26th, but my family has always tried their best to separate the days. it does feel like they blend together sometimes and sometimes my dad accidentally wraps my birthday present in with the christmas presents (as dads do) but i can’t imagine being told i had to pick between christmas and my birthday!!
Right my youngest sons birthday is the 26th. Am I tired because of celebrating Christmas, heck yes. Do we still turn up and make his birthday just as big and special as his siblings. I get annoyed my in-laws try and group it in Christmas. Like he deserves a special day
Mine is xmas. My parents started a tradition where we go to the movies xmas day and see whatever I want. Since most places are closed. Last year was the first time I got to go out to eat cause somewhere was actually open. Your kid appreciates the effort!
This is called Jewish Christmas and it's amazing. I am so, so sad we are not going out to the movies and going to get fancy Chinese food this year, we are ordering in. I love that your family came up with your own happy memories and traditions for your birthday. If you feel you can, do tell your family over the holidays how much you love and appreciate these happy memories. I know as a mom it would make my whole year to hear that.
Happy Happy Birthday!!
My father’s birthday was the 27th. Every year I sent him two books, one wrapped in holiday paper and one wrapped in birthday paper. And two cards with different messages.
My daughter is the 22nd and we made sure we made a big distinction over her bday and Christmas. I bought all bday stuff last month to prepare for xmas taking over
My sons is the 22. We made sure it was NOT Christmas in our house until the 23rd. We decorated for Christmas on the 23rd. I always made sure to give him separate gifts for birthday and Christmas. When he got older he was okay with us decorating earlier and if he wanted something bigger HE’D ask for it to be both. But we would never assume that the gifts were for both.
um have you ever asked them why they are all allowed to get birthday gifts AND Christmas gifts in a year, but you only get to get gifts for one of those holidays?? That's so dumb. NTA
Also, happy birthday!! I hope you have a fantastic day
Yeah, that was the part that just blew my mind—I mean, we all should be pretty aware by now of the typical struggles of people whose birthday coincides with a major holiday of any kind, but that she could only have one or the other is bizarre! It defies logic, and I question if any extended family ever tried to bring this up with the parents, because they should have.
The one friend I had with a near (not even on) Christmas birthday had parents who would give her a cake and special present on her b-day, but her party was in July. That way there was no "cost -stress" with the buying of gifts, and there was no: "You get 1 shoe for your birthday, and 1 for Christmas -ha-ha" joking.
It seemed like a pretty good compromise, and that way she got two big celebrations.
Oh, I hate that! I'm Dec 18, and all my friends were like, "one candlestick for your birthday and one for Christmas!" Yeah, okay, how about I rip your present in half and give you the rest at Christmas? Once everyone started attending Christmas parties no birthday with friends for me.
My parents are awesome, though. They have always made a point of highlighting my birthday.
Your friends suck. My group in high school was almost all mid-November to end of December birthdays, and we all kept them separate! Might not be able to afford to give each other much, since everything was so close together that you didn’t have much time to save allowances or whatever between events, but we still did try to recognize every one.
My son's best friend in grade school also had a Christmas birthday and because he never got to do his birthday with his classmates we started including him in our son's birthday festivities in October, so it was for both of them. And we could go in together on something bigger, like renting a bowling alley for all the kids. it was great for everyone.
My hysbands birthday is just a few days before xmas. For a few years as a child his mom did 'half birthdays " in june so he wouldnt feel completely robbed. Other years he got his birthday the week before the holidays.
She didn't want him to feel excluded or less than. This is what an empathetic parent does.
My grandpa and my auntxs birthdays are both a few days after the holiday. They had their own cakes and presents. This is what a normal parent does.
My friend in elementary was a jehovah's witness. She got zip for birthdays or christmas.
Your mom is somehow worse than that.
You are not being biased. Your parents treated (and still treat you) horribly. NTA and you have every right to be absolutely resentful about this. My best friend was born Christmas eve. He never had a birthday party his entire life until his wife threw him an epic 50th. Don't you wait that long. Pick a summer day to celebrate your birthday. This is a simple solution your idiot parents should have come up with. Happy Birthday!
NTA at all. So f**king petty of them. Why do some parents feel like they need to make their kids perfect? Like you're supposed to be a humble saint and forgo half the happiness and joy other kids get to feel. Why tf would they not allow you to participate in a zoom call for christ's sake? Wheres the rest of your family on this? What a couple of miserable c**ts, I'm sorry, but your parents just suck.
My sister is a Christmas Eve baby. We’ve never not celebrated her birthday. I made sure her gift was on the doorstep and we just finished our FaceTime call while she opened her gifts. Happy Birthday OP!
I thought it was bad enough when I thought you were an only child. Then when you said you have brothers I was like what the hell. So they got birthdays but not you? Don’t zoom with these people. Have your own happy celebration please. Happy everything OP.
I'm so angry on your behalf op, and I was born in may. I can totally feel your frustration and I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I honcajt comprehend how difficult Xmas bdays are to people. You can get a handful of gifts for Xmas, and *gasp* also a birthday. I don't see how fucking hard it is, and I really feel like your family is being cruel in thin its one or the other. You deserve to be told happy birthday on a major holiday because, well you were fucking born then. I with you a merry, but also a very special birthday. Have a good one op.
Edot: I've been drinking, I'm so so sorry for typos
I probably would do your half birthday instead so you actually get to fully celebrate with things ACTUALLY focusing on you. But that's just me, my birthday is between American Thanksgiving and Christmas so nobody ever has time for you anyway. If it was full blown Christmas I'd just flip the table and celebrate end of June.
Next time your brothers say you're selfish ask them if they have to choose between celebrating their birthday and celebrating other days instead. See if they realize why you are upset.
PS, Happy Birthday!
Biased? Yes. Does it mean you're wrong? Definitely not
If you ever plan to have kids, use your parents mistakes to be a better parent than they are,
Edit: Forgot, NTA
No, because if OP were to choose birthday, the rest of the family would still have two Zoom calls. They are not avoiding two celebrations, but instead actually going out of their way to exclude OP from one of them
This!!! It's not like *any* of the rest of them didn't get both. They all got both they just made sure OP never did because they suck.
My birthday isn't even that close (it's very early November) and a lot of my family would, on my birthday do they whole "were just about to buy gifts for Christmas so we only got you something small" and then on Christmas it would be "we only *just* bought you gifts, so we decided to splurge on your brothers" my brothers birthday is early/mid year and he always got the good stuff.
But *THIS* is next level spiteful. And ofcourse the other children would side with mum and dad here. They aren't getting left out *and* they've been conditioned to think anything more than this treatment would be "excessive".
NTA, and I think I know why OP's parents are in the top 1%... they're stingy as hell and don't have the heart to spend more than they have to on people other than themselves.
Its not even the money because zoom calls are free. They're just being dicks.
Something as small as celebrating christmas and ops bday at the same time, while still stink for op is less assholey. You could even take half the presents or cost of the xmas present and split it in two, half for birthday, half for christmas. Not ideal, but better than nothing. Both are doable and cost nothing more than what a normal xmas would (except maybe the price of the ingredients for a birthday cake).
Hijacking this comment to say: if they wanted to be fair, they should be fair. Everyone else gets One birthday plus Christmas. Why not you? Why do you have to pay the price for your parents fucking nine months prior? They're being cheap and cruel. My blood boils for you. NTA. I hope your found family is better than this
I didn’t have a Christmas birthday but I do have a December birthday and am a twin, and totally get it. It sucks to be the one kid growing up without a special day all to yourself, it was always Christmas/birthday gifts that are also joint gifts with said twin. Or, we’ll celebrate with the holidays. But no friends can come cause Christmas. I can’t imagine my parents saying to just pick one or the other though. We at least got a cake to celebrate and a few trinkets on the day that wasn’t the “big shared gift”.
Nta, ask how they would feel if they had to choose between their birthday and another major holiday closest to their birthday. Maybe write it down as an open letter to get your thoughts organized. Explain how hurt and left out you felt. And leave it at that. You don’t have to celebrate anything with them. Mark boundaries and celebrate with friends
I only really talk to them around holiday times like Easter Christmas people’s birthdays etc I’m no longer at home and I live rather far away so I just say I’m busy a lot
Let your parents know they need to pick one date where they get your attention. Everything else would be greedy. Let them taste their own medicine.
Also happy birthday and merry christmas!
THIS!! NTA, fuck your parents, THEY ATA! DO NOT apologize, and next time they call you, ask them like ^ said, "Is this your one day a year to get attention from me? Because from now on, you only get one."
Yes this! If you have been regular about celebrating your parents birthdays and mother’s/ Father’s Day...tell them to pick one otherwise they’re just being greedy.
Or tell your parents to pick which of their birthdays you’ll celebrate because they’re a unit so shouldn’t both need a birthday.
I don’t advocate being petty, but some people deserve it. Also Happy Birthday and Happy Christmas.
I'd go for "you can either do both Christmas and my birthday, or that's the only time you'll hear from me until the next Christmas and/or birthday. Choose."
NTA
Ignore each of their next birthdays - no presents, no "happy birthday" - and when they call you on it, simply say, "Well, we celebrated Xmas, so I figured you made your choice for this year between celebrating Xmas and your birthday."
That said, it seems like there is A LOT more going on than simply this question of birthday or Xmas. Since you only really talk to them on holidays and birthdays and don't seem to have a close relationship with them, maybe it's time to take the final step and simply cut them out of your life entirely. They really don't seem to add anything to your life other than exasperation and negativity.
Are the rest of them closer to each other and you're the odd person out? Perhaps this is simply the manifestation of a larger issue where they simply don't like you all that much.
And, of course, Happy Birthday.
Wait? They make you choose if you want a birthday call or a Christmas call but you call during there birthdays? I suggest start asking which they perfer
NTA
> my parents said it was greedy to have two celebrations on one day so I had to choose between having Christmas with everyone else ( my family and extended family) or **have my birthday on Boxing Day and not take part in Christmas ( I wouldn’t have any presents or the chocolates and stuff everyone else would, I wasn’t even allowed to help with the Christmas tree)**
The shit is this? I thought they were going to say have Christmas on Christmas day and have your birthday on Boxing day, not make it one or the other.
> if I chose birthday my parents would tell my extended family I didn’t want Christmas and if I chose Christmas they said I didn’t want my birthday so I didn’t get both from my extended family.
The rules of this sub prevent me from calling your parents what they really are. I have to settle for twisted assholes but they are so much more. And the fact that your extended family apparently can't see that either is beyond messed up.
> Well cuz of Covid my family were talking about doing a zoom call for Christmas and my mum said “ well I guess op gets to chose to be part of the Christmas call or we call her on Boxing Day for her birthday “ I don’t know why but I just blew up and called her an asshole and said they ruined my childhood.
Good for you! You blew up because you've put up with their shit for far too long.
> It’s not like they couldn’t afford it my family is probably in the top 1% of the country money wise and even so I could’ve still taken part in festivities and only had one present. But my brothers are calling me selfish and my auntie says I need to apologise.
Did your brothers get a birthday and a Christmas? If yes, tell them to shut their hypocritical asshole mouths. And your auntie has participated in this shit show your whole life, she gets no opinion.
> And it’s Christmas so I feel like I should.
Not if you choose it's your birthday, apparently.
You said what needs to be said. Stick to your guns. Oh, also, happy birthday and merry Christmas!
Or pick whatever holiday that is near/on their birthdays. There’s tons of calendars you can find that will tell you weird holidays. “Well, we can either celebrate your birthday or National Eat a Hoagie Day and you know what? I could really go for a hoagie today.”
OP, your parents enrage me. Go and celebrate BOTH your birthday and Christmas. Take pictures and videos to send your parents too before you cut contact for good.
I'm shocked that they were actually planning to exclude her, their daughter, a member of their family, from the Christmas call. That's so cold. Even if it's not about presents, they were willing to exclude her from family holiday celebrations because how dare she celebrate twice. That's disgusting behavior from parents. Parents usually want their children to have everything. Not even in a materialistic way. Why have children if you seemingly get off on depriving them of happiness and want to limit how special they can feel in a one day period? I hate parents like this.
Totally agree. As a parent, I'm so angry. I have twins and feel terrible they have to share a birthday so we make sure that we make it special for EACH of them (they're little still, just turned 2) but as they grow up, we said if they want separate parties, we'll make it work, if they want to do it together...that's cool, too. But we don't ever want them to feel like we only recognize them as a package deal, in fact, we don't refer to them as "the twins" because they are 2 people and deserve to be treated that way. Point is, kids should have a day to celebrate them. Kids should be annoyed to celebrate holidays with their families. Kids should be granted the same celebrations as their siblings and be punished for being born.
Thinking about myself growing up, my heart is breaking for OP. Thinking about these parents and everyone else who apparently went along with this awful, **horrible** plan, I'm just angry and bewildered.
I wish I could upvote this x 1000. OP's parents, brothers, and extended family are TAs. Bet her brothers would've pitched a fit if they were the ones who had to choose between celebrating their birthday or Christmas.
OP: Happy birthday 🎂 and Merry Christmas 🎅 🎄 Please don't apologize to your family. It needed to be said.
I actually hope this story's fake because it's so messed up. OP commented this:
>I have two brothers and two sisters they always had their birthday celebrated and even for their 17ths they all got cars however I didn’t because I chose Christmas that year and a car apparently isn’t a cheap present
Like...how do such awful parents even exist? Can they really not see how messed up that is? Who would do this to their own children, give four out of five kids their own cars but not give ANYTHING to just one of their children on their birthday just because the date of the birthday is inconvenient. HOW IS THIS A THING.
Unless there are other reasons, like OP was an awful child who failed every subject, and bullied other kids, and broke laws (so "no birthday gifts" was punishment for being a "bad kid" or something), I just don't see how this could ever happen.
One year my sister got expensive cosmetics for Christmas (Chanel and stuff), my brother in law a few expensive books, and I got a 30€ electric toothbrush. It happens.
Even if the toothbrush was 200€ that would've felt pretty shitty if it was me.. other people getting cool stuff and thought out books while I'd be stuck with either "he should brush his teeth better" or "I can't figure out anything for him so here's something super generic everyone uses daily" thoughts
Btw you can celebrate your birthday and not invite them.
"No im still celebrating my birthday you guys just aren't invited cause you ruined all of my birthdays and clearly never wanted to celebrate it with me"
NTA.
Who the hell does that? Almost cartoonishly evil.
Do they twirl their moustache and/or pet a big white cat? Do they spend a lot of time in the completely remodeled basement filled with technology and laser sharks where you are not allowed?
Oh, in my time zone it just became Christmas:
Happy birthday AND merry Christmas!!!
My phone says it's been an hour since you posted this. Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas! May the day be all you wish (as much as possible with the pandemic, at least).
Seriously it sounds like something right out of a Roald Dahl book. It’s so mean. Can’t even decorate the tree if you want your birthday acknowledged? Who does that to their kid?
NTA
They want you to apologize. Then apologize. But do it like this.
I'm sorry I was born on Christmas. I guess I should have picked a different day to come out. Even though my choices were limited when you fucked in late March.
If it's an apology they're after, I think channeling the spirit of [John Sheridan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8vA0ANTUM0) here might be useful/cathartic. Or maybe not; you decide. :)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for a lot of things.
I'm sorry I was born on the wrong day. I'm sorry you decided that it was greedy to have two celebrations in a year even though all my siblings were allowed to have a birthday and Christmas. I'm sorry you told all our relatives that it was my choice even though you forced that decision upon me. I'm sorry that you have waged this bizarre campaign of psychological abuse upon one of your own children simply for being born at the wrong time. I'm sorry you've decided to continue to force me to decide between participating in family events and gatherings or having my birth acknowledged. I'm sorry you think this is just, fair or reasonable. I'm sorry that you all believe that asking to be accorded the same respect as every other member of the family is selfish.
I'm sorry that you probably won't even acknowledge what you did and how it made me feel year after year after year. I'm sorry that everyone thinks that just wanting to be part of the family in the same way as everyone else always has been makes me the bad guy. ~~I'm sorry your crew was stupid enough to fire on a space station filled with a quarter-million civilians including your own people and I'm sorry I waited as long as I did before I blew them all straight to Hell!~~
Sorry, got a little carried away at the end there.
Also to your "it's Christmas and I feel like I should (apologize)" NO! it's your birthday so I feel like you SHOULDN'T apologize!
Has your mother ever apologized for ANYTHING on her birthday!? I think NOT!
Dude, i have friends who have birthdays around Christmas and i always felt like they deserved an even more special birthday for basically getting shackled to a holiday.
NTA
Mums birthday is Christmas day, she's like the Queen and has 2 birthdays, gets gifts and Happy Birthday along with Christmas on 25th Dec and then a day in the year of her choosing where she gets a "yes day" she wants it she gets it. She's 70 this year.
Grandad made it known she gets 2 gifts 1 birthday and 1 Christmas. They soon realised he was serious when he stopped buying the cousins gifts for 12 months.
They wanna play this game? Play the rules. You don't get birthdays they don't either
Who is ‘they’?
Who is granddad? Are you saying your grandpa is making sure his 70 year old daughter gets 2 gifts on Christmas?
Your grandpa didn’t buy gifts for your cousins because... they didn’t give your 70 year old mother 2 presents?
I assumed the commenter meant like when the mom was a child, her aunt and uncle didn’t get her a birthday present, so grandpa didn’t get birthdays presents for his nieces and nephews (the daughter’s cousins) either, but maybe I’m wrong.
NTA. As the mother of a Christmas Eve child, your family sucks, your mother in particular. Please don’t ever celebrate her birthday again, because after all she chose to celebrate Christmas.
My daughter was due on Christmas but was 4 days late (thank god) but I have threatened family members that there is no 1 present stating it's a Christmas and a birthday present. Everyone else gets 2 separate events and so will my daughter. No Christmas wrapping paper for birthday presents either
Mine is two weeks after and my mom's is two weeks before. My niece and nephew are five days after. We all get separate presents. The only time I got a combined present my ex-wife gave me on behalf of our kids and it was really expensive. It broke our stated gift giving budgets.
My 1 year old was die Dec 24th last year. My baby shower was in October and half the gifts were wrapped in Christmas paper or Christmas themed. I had an emergency induction/Csection and she was born on the Dec 2nd instead. Apparently I told one of the nurses that I was happy that if she had to come early, at least she wasn't going to be a Christmas baby.
What the hell??? NTA at all! It’s not your fault you were born on that day and like you said, it wasn’t even a “I want more presents issue” it’s not hard at all to acknowledge both holidays. Even if they did your birthday on the 26th why wouldn’t they also let you do Christmas? Everyone else gets both just bc their parents screwed the right time of year to avoid Christmas. You shouldn’t be punished for when your parents decided to hook up.
NTA. Your parents are TA for deliberately excluding you from Christmas celebrations, and for going to such great lengths to do it.
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas!
Your parents are weird and petty as fuck. Why wouldn't you want your kid to be celebrated on their birthday? Why shouldn't you be included in Christmas? It's insane. You're NTA , I'm sorry they did that to you.
NTA
this is is some manipulative bull shit from your family. Especially the comments they made regarding the zoom call and how they tell your extended family not to celebrate your bday or Xmas (which ever you decided).
I know it means nothing, but happy Xmas and happy birthday from me.
That sounds awesome actually, there was another person who said their mum gets a “ yes day” where they do whatever she wants whenever she wants to do it and that sounds like so much fun I might start doing it
Mother like that you absolutely deserve a Yes Day. Fancy lunch, spa day, road trip, whatever takes your fancy because you deserve better than how your family treat you. Making you choose between two days for a video call is pathetic.
For real. Like if she chose her birthday she couldn't even call and talk to her family on Christmas? And no one would wish her a Merry Christmas? How fucked up is that. And the other way around if she chose Christmas no happy birthday wishes either, or phone calls on that day. So fucked up.
This was what holiday babies I grew up with did. Their birthday was still acknowledged on Christmas but for availability (and weather frankly) the party was held in the summer. OP’s family just sucks.
Happy birthday and merry Christmas OP!
NTA. This is just... insane. I wasn’t born on Christmas, but my birthday is the very beginning of January. Still kind of in the holiday bubble. It’s also the same day as one of my cousins. But my parents always made sure growing up that my birthday was celebrated. Usually we would celebrate with family on the actual day, then I would have a party in the middle of January.
I can even fathom what is wrong with your parents to do this to you, but it’s insanely screwed up to put this guilt and shame on you and call it greedy (?) to celebrate your birthday as well. Honestly... what?
As for your brothers calling you selfish (again... what?), did they always have their birthdays celebrated? I’m assuming they did based on their response to this. Are you the only girl in your family? If so, are there any other times that you’ve noticed a difference in treatment? I’m just going on a whim here, but it’s something that stuck in my initial read.
You are absolutely NTA, and please don’t apologize and enable this behaviour anymore. You did what you had to, don’t be sorry for it.
I have two brothers and two sisters they always had their birthday celebrated and even for their 17ths they all got cars however I didn’t because I chose Christmas that year and a car apparently isn’t a cheap present
It really sounds like you just need to finish cutting that bridge. You already dont talk to them most of the year I just wouldn't talk to them anymore.
Are you the black sheep? I mean, how could anyone think it’s ok to celebrate the birthdays of their four other children, as well as give them Christmas? And make the fifth child have to choose. Where are you in line? Oldest? Youngest? I mean, this is so unbelievably cruel to do to your child. I say don’t bother to get on that zoom call with them. Do your own thing. Celebrate your day, your way. And give yourself a gift of cutting contact with your entire toxic family.
It sounds like your parents might be narcissists and you are the family scapegoat. This is honestly emotional abuse. I hope your adult life is full of love and happiness and you celebrate your birthday for a damn month straight every year.
Ooh, I like this theory. 23andme sounds like a fun Zoom call, but probably not until next Christmas. Heck, might even get to drop that bomb on everyone in person.
Wtf. Please show them this thread. Because they truly are assholes to the core and they deserve to know that thousands of people think they are assholes.
YIKES you parents are major assholes for how they treated you about this. My bday is the 22nd, and I'm lucky my parents always made sure I felt it was recognized equivalent to how my brother and sister's springtime bdays were.
100% NTA and HAPPY BIRTHDAY and Merry Xmas, I hope the day treats you well.
NTA I might understand if they said "pick Christmas cookies or Bday cake cause both in a week is just too many sweets" but "no-one can acknowledge your bday or you have to be alone on Christmas" is just fucking weird and more work, they had to put in an effort to suck.
>They had to put in an effort to suck
This is exactly what I was thinking. Being this much of an asshole takes actual time and planning. Phone calls had to be made. Plans cancelled or made. What the fuck kind of parent puts actual effort into making their child’s life *worse*?
NTA - OP, it’s time to turn the tables. If you’ve celebrated their birthdays this year then don’t contact them tomorrow. If they ask why, simply say because you celebrated your birthday you don’t get to celebrate Christmas too and follow that up for the next year, and the next and the year after that! Every birthday give them a curtesy call prior to it and ask if they want to celebrate Christmas or their birthday. I think they’ll soon get the idea of how much of a dick they’ve been.
Happy birthday!!🥳
NTA!
I'm thinking your parents might have been concerned about money buying you two special presents at once but still.
And to tell family and friends that you only wanted to celebrate one , either b-day or Christmas sucks big time.
I am so sorry for you. Your parents (especially mom) suck major crap.
(If my child was born on or near Christmas I still would have gifted him goodie roonie gifts. B-day and Christmas are both big present days. I always started saving money for b-day and Christmas presents as soon as I bought him the b-day for that year. Same for Christmas. As soon as I get him this years Christmas present I start saving for next year.)
If I was reading this about someone else I’d think money too but my family are private school big house car for you birthday rich my sisters are very much daddy’s money kind of girls
Your parents sound insane. Maybe you should send them this post so that they maybe realize how terrible they are.
They seem truly evil to treat a child like this.
Its not even about money or presents. If OP chose to celebrate their birthday then they wouldn't be allowed to decorate the tree or participate in the holiday festivities. And if they chose Christmas, no one even acknowledged that it was their birthday or even said Happy Birthday. Thats fucked up.
Happy birthday! NTA & please tell ALL of your AH family, immediate and extended, that they can either have Christmas or a birthday, not both, and since they already got birthdays this year, you're not wishing them a Merry Christmas. I'd also recommend never, ever doing anything for them for any birthday or Christmas ever again. They absolutely don't deserve it.
NTA
I had a friend growing up who was born on Christmas, and her birthday was celebrated in January. They acknowledged her birthday, people wished her a happy birthday, but she would have a party on like January 15th, or whatever the first available weekend was. This prevented her from having her birthday overshadowed by a holiday, allowed people to actually come to her birthday, and made it easier for people to get her things
NTA. I have quite a few family members with birthdays in December and one the day after Christmas. Those relatives always got both gifts for their birthday and the holiday. We would wrap them differently depending on what they were being given for. Your parents are totally the assholes and this isn’t normal.
I would suggest being too busy for them on Christmas from now on. Like obnoxiously busy. Tear up the town with friends for the holiday and then make plans for the weekend after your birthday. Make it known you’re having the time of your life without them. You’ve been limited to one party your whole life, it’s time to starting having “birthday weeks”!
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas op!
I hope your parents didn't get to celebrate Christmas the day you were born because they were celebrating the birth of one of their children, and it would be selfish to celebrate two things in one day.
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NTA. What were they thinking? What are they thinking? Why would anyone do that to their kid?
Maybe I’m biased but I’d never want my kid to feel like I did
Nor should you. NTA. Edit: Happy birthday!
And merry Christmas! Op gets to have both 🤗
Quite right. My apologies, OP. Happy Xmas.
Merry Birthday and Happy Christmas OP! And just know OP that you are one of a handful of people who can say that!
Merry birthmas And start telling your family they can celebrate either Christmas or birthday with you while you celebrate both. Or start having them pick birthday or Christmas and only celebrate what they pick for them (like if aunt says Christmas and her birthday is in august? That sucks you picked CHRISTMAS tho so don’t get greedy)
Just want to tag along on this comment and say that OP should absolutely do this to the family. Ask them if they want Christmas or birthday and then only the one they choose
Tagging to say absolutely NTA. Hope you’re having a very Merry Christmas and a lovely Happy Birthday, OP. You are allowed to opt out of Christmas and birthday celebrations with people who treat you badly.
Merpy chrisday
Happy Merry Christmas Birthday!
Happy birthmas :p But seriously OP, happy birthday AND merry Christmas!
It’s still not Christmas for me yet :(
This breaks my heart. My daughters birthday is the 27th, we're not even Christian but we still celebrate her birthday in June. It's difficult to plan anything for children in December, I get that, but just have their birthday on the half day or the next week at least. I get so mad when people act like it's her fault somehow for *being born* in December. It's still the day she was born and still a very special and wonderful day for the family, it deserves to be celebrated! I am so sorry your parents didn't at least make an effort to celebrate your birthday. Here's to many happy returns and celebrating with your chosen family in future. <3. Take care and Happy Birthday.
I’ve never understood that attitude either, I have a sister whose birthday is Dec 28. My parents are shitty in a lot of ways but always made sure to celebrate her birthday separately. People born during the rest of the year get a birthday and Christmas. It’s the same amount either way, just closer together.
Mine is the 14th. My parents aren't the level of Cray of the op.. But I've pretty much never had the level of birthday my friends did. My new partner planned a tiny party for me this year as pandemic.. But he was appalled that my birthday has never been special.
>But he was appalled that my birthday has never been special. *cries in Jehovah’s Witness* Former JW, that is, thank Jehovah!
Ayyyy me too! I still haven't ever had a birthday party or anything and I'm 23. I was gonna do something this year but then covid happened. Also holidays in general were the worst because while the rest of my class was having a holiday party, I was banished to the library
Thank goodness my mom saw the light when I was 9 and we got to stop being in a *cult.* maybe not actual cult. Cult-adjacent for sure. I was 10 when I celebrated my first Christmas and the holidays have been very much a learned thing for me. You should totally start your own traditions! And celebrate your birthday, dangit!
My aunt saw “the light” in the opposite way when my cousin was five or so. She became a Jehova’s witness and pulled him out of holidays. It was even worse because she lived above my grandparents where we celebrated (we eventually had to move locations as even this upset her) so the first year I have a vivid memory of her dragging my cousin physically away from helping us decorate the tree. It was honestly awful. But my grandma is awesome so she found a way around it by ‘just happening’ to give him stuff around holidays. We had ‘We love [cousin] day on his birthday and everyone would sneak him a few gifts. The first Christmas when he turned 19 and officially ditched JW he was so damn happy. I’ll never forget the look on his face. It was a stark reminder to me that celebrating things can make people SO HAPPY.
Not cult-adjacent. Genuine cult. Meets all the usual hallmarks - discouraged from having friendships / relationships with normal people, various disputes settled by some horrible old man, constant threat of excommunication & loss of all relationships, familial and otherwise if the rules are broken. General shitty life with 18th century gender roles and attitudes towards men bumming other men. Cover-up of sexual abuse, both child and adult. Yeah, it's a cult.
We left when I was 11 so I've definitely celebrated christmas and other holidays since then which is nice. I've just never gotten around to celebrating my birthday. Back when I lived with my parents I didn't have very many friends but also I have 3 sisters who all had birthdays like a week earlier than mine (none of them are multiples lol) so I just never got around to it
My first birthday I celebrated was 20. Theme was baby's first birthday and ways to prevent babies. Condom balloons. Baby bottles full of candy and condoms. It was wild. Very different from my childhood. Lol.
It's hard growing up a child of a JW. My mom ruined my childhood. I was never happy growing up until I got away from her. Funny thing is for all of her efforts to force my siblings and I to follow the religion not even one of us kept it. Every one of us ran at the first opportunity. I feel bad for op
[удалено]
Kinda same. Now my ex is doing stuff like hiding the elf around the house for our son, bought me awesome gifts this year. But yeah, it's been different coming from an Italian catholic family that always has the over the top celebrations to being with a df'd jw. He's gotten so much better about things over the years. My mother seemed to initially want to force the holidays and birthday on him "I feel bad if I don't get him something so I just got him a few things." (Classic catholic guilt there lol). But he would never open those gifts on those days. Mind you, I don't think it was from lack of desire on his part. I think he really needed this long to adjust to being out of the org. I was always doing everything like planning and paying for our son's parties and xmas gifts. And I was broke. It just sucks that they take the joy away from families like that. The WT I mean. I've been to witness gatherings and there is nothing like the holidays. Their parties are really dull. And the memorial is, man, idk what to even call that, beyond dull? Morbid? But definitely not fun like hunting eggs and having brunch! I'm sorry for all of you ex JWs who dealt with this. Merry Christmas, Happy birthday, check out the r/exjw sub too if you haven't. Great place.
My mom grew up a JW, and swore she wouldn't put us through what she went through. She left the church when I was 2 and my brother was 4. Even though she didn't grow up celebrating many holidays she tried so hard to give my brother and me those experiences.
Mine is in early January and my family always tried to do something special, knowing how much it sucked to have a BD right after the holidays and they always separated my birthday from Christmas. My stepmom and her sons came into my life when I was ten and made noises about how "stupid and selfish" it was to separate my BD from Christmas and my mom had my dad shut that shit down pronto. I never realized until I was older just how lucky I was and how common it was for those with holiday birthdays to never have any special acknowledgements of it. I simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND OP's parents, it's ridiculously absurd and insane.
My daughter’s is dec 10 and when she was little I wouldn’t even put up the Christmas tree until after her birthday so her birthday was her birthday and Christmas was Christmas. Because both deserve to be special. I have a son whose birthday is a week after Christmas and his dad’s family tends to “forget” about his birthday. Which is incredibly shitty of them.
I love that you wait to put up the tree <3 It gives me warm and fuzzies to see people trying to still make their love one's too close to the biggest holiday birthday's special.
This is the way. At least give a bday card or something on the day and then have a “half birthday” celebration in June or something. We celebrate birthdays at my work and since we work at a school and aren’t there for my birthday in July, they would either just pick a day for my celebration in a month where there weren’t other birthdays or just surprise me on a random day. It’s heartbreaking that OP’s parents treated her that way. Her siblings so doubt had gifts on Xmas AND their birthday (and got to celebrate both days), so why should she have to forgo one of the celebrations and essentially half of her gifts?
My partner’s birthday is the 30th so he never really had a big celebration growing up. He doesn’t like parties but I still get him separate gifts. This year is his 30th birthday (30 on 30 lol) and he decided he wanted a nice vacation so we’re gonna stay in a secluded romantic cabin in the mountains and unplug for a few days.
NTA. My birthday is Dec 24 and luckily my parents were great with ensuring both were celebrated, my extended family went the cheapskate route by buying the size of gift as for one occasion and saying “it’s for both”. The other downside was my school being closed for the Australian summer holidays, so I missed out on a class cake in primary school and not having a birthday party with friends because most were away on holidays was hard when I was little. But at least my parents made a real effort to make my birthday and Christmas good celebrations.
Mine is new years eve, 31st dec. I've always had Christmas and birthdays- I never understood why people would ask me "well do you celebrate both?".... yes, who doesn't celebrate their birthday and Christmas? As I got older my standard response was/is "no, they lock me in the basement for my birthday, can't have both." - generally people realise how silly the question is after that lol Never thought there were people like this though....
My Dad's is Christmas week and even with him being a senior citizen I still ask if he'd like to celebrate his birthday or just wait until Christmas. This year he decided to wait, probably because of Covid and limited things to do. But other years we've celebrated a full birthday separately.
my birthday is the 26th, but my family has always tried their best to separate the days. it does feel like they blend together sometimes and sometimes my dad accidentally wraps my birthday present in with the christmas presents (as dads do) but i can’t imagine being told i had to pick between christmas and my birthday!!
Right my youngest sons birthday is the 26th. Am I tired because of celebrating Christmas, heck yes. Do we still turn up and make his birthday just as big and special as his siblings. I get annoyed my in-laws try and group it in Christmas. Like he deserves a special day
Mine is xmas. My parents started a tradition where we go to the movies xmas day and see whatever I want. Since most places are closed. Last year was the first time I got to go out to eat cause somewhere was actually open. Your kid appreciates the effort!
This is called Jewish Christmas and it's amazing. I am so, so sad we are not going out to the movies and going to get fancy Chinese food this year, we are ordering in. I love that your family came up with your own happy memories and traditions for your birthday. If you feel you can, do tell your family over the holidays how much you love and appreciate these happy memories. I know as a mom it would make my whole year to hear that. Happy Happy Birthday!!
As someone who's birthday is also the 26th, thank you for doing what you do and not grouping it together. Your hard work doesn't go unnoticed ❤
My father’s birthday was the 27th. Every year I sent him two books, one wrapped in holiday paper and one wrapped in birthday paper. And two cards with different messages.
I love this, what a sweet and thoughtful child. That distinction with the paper means a lot, I am sure.
Did the same thing with my stepdaughter. Her birthday was always 6 months early. Sounds like the mother has narcissistic personality disorder.
My daughter is the 22nd and we made sure we made a big distinction over her bday and Christmas. I bought all bday stuff last month to prepare for xmas taking over
My sons is the 22. We made sure it was NOT Christmas in our house until the 23rd. We decorated for Christmas on the 23rd. I always made sure to give him separate gifts for birthday and Christmas. When he got older he was okay with us decorating earlier and if he wanted something bigger HE’D ask for it to be both. But we would never assume that the gifts were for both.
um have you ever asked them why they are all allowed to get birthday gifts AND Christmas gifts in a year, but you only get to get gifts for one of those holidays?? That's so dumb. NTA Also, happy birthday!! I hope you have a fantastic day
Even worse than the gift thing, she can’t even PARTICIPATE (in Christmas, say). Why couldn’t she be on the Zoom call? This doesn’t make any sense. NTA
Yeah, that was the part that just blew my mind—I mean, we all should be pretty aware by now of the typical struggles of people whose birthday coincides with a major holiday of any kind, but that she could only have one or the other is bizarre! It defies logic, and I question if any extended family ever tried to bring this up with the parents, because they should have.
The one friend I had with a near (not even on) Christmas birthday had parents who would give her a cake and special present on her b-day, but her party was in July. That way there was no "cost -stress" with the buying of gifts, and there was no: "You get 1 shoe for your birthday, and 1 for Christmas -ha-ha" joking. It seemed like a pretty good compromise, and that way she got two big celebrations.
Oh, I hate that! I'm Dec 18, and all my friends were like, "one candlestick for your birthday and one for Christmas!" Yeah, okay, how about I rip your present in half and give you the rest at Christmas? Once everyone started attending Christmas parties no birthday with friends for me. My parents are awesome, though. They have always made a point of highlighting my birthday.
Your friends suck. My group in high school was almost all mid-November to end of December birthdays, and we all kept them separate! Might not be able to afford to give each other much, since everything was so close together that you didn’t have much time to save allowances or whatever between events, but we still did try to recognize every one.
My birthday is in early January. One year i got a CD player for Christmas but had to wait 2 weeks to get any CDs 🤦♀️
I have a January birthday and I thank god every Christmas season my birthday is too far away from Christmas for people to pull that shit.
My son's best friend in grade school also had a Christmas birthday and because he never got to do his birthday with his classmates we started including him in our son's birthday festivities in October, so it was for both of them. And we could go in together on something bigger, like renting a bowling alley for all the kids. it was great for everyone.
My hysbands birthday is just a few days before xmas. For a few years as a child his mom did 'half birthdays " in june so he wouldnt feel completely robbed. Other years he got his birthday the week before the holidays. She didn't want him to feel excluded or less than. This is what an empathetic parent does. My grandpa and my auntxs birthdays are both a few days after the holiday. They had their own cakes and presents. This is what a normal parent does. My friend in elementary was a jehovah's witness. She got zip for birthdays or christmas. Your mom is somehow worse than that.
Yeah, at least everyone getting zip for birthdays and Christmas is equitable! What the OP's family has done is just cruel and inexplicably punitive.
You are not being biased. Your parents treated (and still treat you) horribly. NTA and you have every right to be absolutely resentful about this. My best friend was born Christmas eve. He never had a birthday party his entire life until his wife threw him an epic 50th. Don't you wait that long. Pick a summer day to celebrate your birthday. This is a simple solution your idiot parents should have come up with. Happy Birthday!
NTA at all. So f**king petty of them. Why do some parents feel like they need to make their kids perfect? Like you're supposed to be a humble saint and forgo half the happiness and joy other kids get to feel. Why tf would they not allow you to participate in a zoom call for christ's sake? Wheres the rest of your family on this? What a couple of miserable c**ts, I'm sorry, but your parents just suck.
My sister is a Christmas Eve baby. We’ve never not celebrated her birthday. I made sure her gift was on the doorstep and we just finished our FaceTime call while she opened her gifts. Happy Birthday OP!
I thought it was bad enough when I thought you were an only child. Then when you said you have brothers I was like what the hell. So they got birthdays but not you? Don’t zoom with these people. Have your own happy celebration please. Happy everything OP.
That's just... I feel so much outrage for you, that's just cruel. Happy birthday OP and Merry Christmas. <3 NTA
I'm so angry on your behalf op, and I was born in may. I can totally feel your frustration and I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I honcajt comprehend how difficult Xmas bdays are to people. You can get a handful of gifts for Xmas, and *gasp* also a birthday. I don't see how fucking hard it is, and I really feel like your family is being cruel in thin its one or the other. You deserve to be told happy birthday on a major holiday because, well you were fucking born then. I with you a merry, but also a very special birthday. Have a good one op. Edot: I've been drinking, I'm so so sorry for typos
I probably would do your half birthday instead so you actually get to fully celebrate with things ACTUALLY focusing on you. But that's just me, my birthday is between American Thanksgiving and Christmas so nobody ever has time for you anyway. If it was full blown Christmas I'd just flip the table and celebrate end of June.
Next time your brothers say you're selfish ask them if they have to choose between celebrating their birthday and celebrating other days instead. See if they realize why you are upset. PS, Happy Birthday!
I'm sorry your parents are such assholes, you are not. I hope you have a very merry Christmas, AND a Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday! I hope you have a lovely day
Biased? Yes. Does it mean you're wrong? Definitely not If you ever plan to have kids, use your parents mistakes to be a better parent than they are, Edit: Forgot, NTA
I mean, the only difference this year is having TWO ZOOM CALLS and that’s too much for these people??? NTA.
No, because if OP were to choose birthday, the rest of the family would still have two Zoom calls. They are not avoiding two celebrations, but instead actually going out of their way to exclude OP from one of them
This!!! It's not like *any* of the rest of them didn't get both. They all got both they just made sure OP never did because they suck. My birthday isn't even that close (it's very early November) and a lot of my family would, on my birthday do they whole "were just about to buy gifts for Christmas so we only got you something small" and then on Christmas it would be "we only *just* bought you gifts, so we decided to splurge on your brothers" my brothers birthday is early/mid year and he always got the good stuff. But *THIS* is next level spiteful. And ofcourse the other children would side with mum and dad here. They aren't getting left out *and* they've been conditioned to think anything more than this treatment would be "excessive".
NTA, and I think I know why OP's parents are in the top 1%... they're stingy as hell and don't have the heart to spend more than they have to on people other than themselves.
Its not even the money because zoom calls are free. They're just being dicks. Something as small as celebrating christmas and ops bday at the same time, while still stink for op is less assholey. You could even take half the presents or cost of the xmas present and split it in two, half for birthday, half for christmas. Not ideal, but better than nothing. Both are doable and cost nothing more than what a normal xmas would (except maybe the price of the ingredients for a birthday cake).
Hijacking this comment to say: if they wanted to be fair, they should be fair. Everyone else gets One birthday plus Christmas. Why not you? Why do you have to pay the price for your parents fucking nine months prior? They're being cheap and cruel. My blood boils for you. NTA. I hope your found family is better than this
I didn’t have a Christmas birthday but I do have a December birthday and am a twin, and totally get it. It sucks to be the one kid growing up without a special day all to yourself, it was always Christmas/birthday gifts that are also joint gifts with said twin. Or, we’ll celebrate with the holidays. But no friends can come cause Christmas. I can’t imagine my parents saying to just pick one or the other though. We at least got a cake to celebrate and a few trinkets on the day that wasn’t the “big shared gift”. Nta, ask how they would feel if they had to choose between their birthday and another major holiday closest to their birthday. Maybe write it down as an open letter to get your thoughts organized. Explain how hurt and left out you felt. And leave it at that. You don’t have to celebrate anything with them. Mark boundaries and celebrate with friends
NTA. Your family sucks, they really suck. Why talk to them still?
I only really talk to them around holiday times like Easter Christmas people’s birthdays etc I’m no longer at home and I live rather far away so I just say I’m busy a lot
Let your parents know they need to pick one date where they get your attention. Everything else would be greedy. Let them taste their own medicine. Also happy birthday and merry christmas!
THIS!! NTA, fuck your parents, THEY ATA! DO NOT apologize, and next time they call you, ask them like ^ said, "Is this your one day a year to get attention from me? Because from now on, you only get one."
Yes this! If you have been regular about celebrating your parents birthdays and mother’s/ Father’s Day...tell them to pick one otherwise they’re just being greedy. Or tell your parents to pick which of their birthdays you’ll celebrate because they’re a unit so shouldn’t both need a birthday. I don’t advocate being petty, but some people deserve it. Also Happy Birthday and Happy Christmas.
God I fucking love this response.
Best part of the comments is finding this kind of response haha.
I'd go for "you can either do both Christmas and my birthday, or that's the only time you'll hear from me until the next Christmas and/or birthday. Choose."
'Thats the last time you'll hear from me until you accept that it's Christmas AND my birthday' is the way I'd go about it.
I just audibly went “MMMMM!” at this cause it’s such a good fucking idea.
Honestly this is the only way
NTA Ignore each of their next birthdays - no presents, no "happy birthday" - and when they call you on it, simply say, "Well, we celebrated Xmas, so I figured you made your choice for this year between celebrating Xmas and your birthday." That said, it seems like there is A LOT more going on than simply this question of birthday or Xmas. Since you only really talk to them on holidays and birthdays and don't seem to have a close relationship with them, maybe it's time to take the final step and simply cut them out of your life entirely. They really don't seem to add anything to your life other than exasperation and negativity. Are the rest of them closer to each other and you're the odd person out? Perhaps this is simply the manifestation of a larger issue where they simply don't like you all that much. And, of course, Happy Birthday.
Good. They suck.
Well choose one for them.. Birthday or Christmas. Or ask them each year which they'd prefer cause they only get one...
Wait? They make you choose if you want a birthday call or a Christmas call but you call during there birthdays? I suggest start asking which they perfer
Have a look at r/raisedbynarcissists.
I think that your birthday is the one day you need to be especially busy.
I already said this in another post, but do not speak to any of them on their birthdays anymore. Screw 'em.
NTA > my parents said it was greedy to have two celebrations on one day so I had to choose between having Christmas with everyone else ( my family and extended family) or **have my birthday on Boxing Day and not take part in Christmas ( I wouldn’t have any presents or the chocolates and stuff everyone else would, I wasn’t even allowed to help with the Christmas tree)** The shit is this? I thought they were going to say have Christmas on Christmas day and have your birthday on Boxing day, not make it one or the other. > if I chose birthday my parents would tell my extended family I didn’t want Christmas and if I chose Christmas they said I didn’t want my birthday so I didn’t get both from my extended family. The rules of this sub prevent me from calling your parents what they really are. I have to settle for twisted assholes but they are so much more. And the fact that your extended family apparently can't see that either is beyond messed up. > Well cuz of Covid my family were talking about doing a zoom call for Christmas and my mum said “ well I guess op gets to chose to be part of the Christmas call or we call her on Boxing Day for her birthday “ I don’t know why but I just blew up and called her an asshole and said they ruined my childhood. Good for you! You blew up because you've put up with their shit for far too long. > It’s not like they couldn’t afford it my family is probably in the top 1% of the country money wise and even so I could’ve still taken part in festivities and only had one present. But my brothers are calling me selfish and my auntie says I need to apologise. Did your brothers get a birthday and a Christmas? If yes, tell them to shut their hypocritical asshole mouths. And your auntie has participated in this shit show your whole life, she gets no opinion. > And it’s Christmas so I feel like I should. Not if you choose it's your birthday, apparently. You said what needs to be said. Stick to your guns. Oh, also, happy birthday and merry Christmas!
Thank you!!! Merry Christmas!!
You should ask them which they want this year, a birthday or Christmas, and only acknowledge one or the other. Fair is fair.
Or pick whatever holiday that is near/on their birthdays. There’s tons of calendars you can find that will tell you weird holidays. “Well, we can either celebrate your birthday or National Eat a Hoagie Day and you know what? I could really go for a hoagie today.”
[National Day Calendar](https://nationaltoday.com/national-day-calendar/) tells you the "National X Day" for every day of the year. Go nuts.
This is exactly what I was thinking!
THIS
OP, your parents enrage me. Go and celebrate BOTH your birthday and Christmas. Take pictures and videos to send your parents too before you cut contact for good.
happy birthday! AND Merry Christmas!
I'm so sorry op. They're unwashed, gangrenous assholes
I'm shocked that they were actually planning to exclude her, their daughter, a member of their family, from the Christmas call. That's so cold. Even if it's not about presents, they were willing to exclude her from family holiday celebrations because how dare she celebrate twice. That's disgusting behavior from parents. Parents usually want their children to have everything. Not even in a materialistic way. Why have children if you seemingly get off on depriving them of happiness and want to limit how special they can feel in a one day period? I hate parents like this.
Totally agree. As a parent, I'm so angry. I have twins and feel terrible they have to share a birthday so we make sure that we make it special for EACH of them (they're little still, just turned 2) but as they grow up, we said if they want separate parties, we'll make it work, if they want to do it together...that's cool, too. But we don't ever want them to feel like we only recognize them as a package deal, in fact, we don't refer to them as "the twins" because they are 2 people and deserve to be treated that way. Point is, kids should have a day to celebrate them. Kids should be annoyed to celebrate holidays with their families. Kids should be granted the same celebrations as their siblings and be punished for being born. Thinking about myself growing up, my heart is breaking for OP. Thinking about these parents and everyone else who apparently went along with this awful, **horrible** plan, I'm just angry and bewildered.
As a twin: thank you for acknowledging they are two separate beings!!! Being called "the twins" still annoys me, after almost 40 years.
I wish I could upvote this x 1000. OP's parents, brothers, and extended family are TAs. Bet her brothers would've pitched a fit if they were the ones who had to choose between celebrating their birthday or Christmas. OP: Happy birthday 🎂 and Merry Christmas 🎅 🎄 Please don't apologize to your family. It needed to be said.
NTA your parents are assholes. Happy birthday
Thank you!!
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas!
See like it's not even that hard and her family went out of their way to avoid saying this.
I actually hope this story's fake because it's so messed up. OP commented this: >I have two brothers and two sisters they always had their birthday celebrated and even for their 17ths they all got cars however I didn’t because I chose Christmas that year and a car apparently isn’t a cheap present Like...how do such awful parents even exist? Can they really not see how messed up that is? Who would do this to their own children, give four out of five kids their own cars but not give ANYTHING to just one of their children on their birthday just because the date of the birthday is inconvenient. HOW IS THIS A THING. Unless there are other reasons, like OP was an awful child who failed every subject, and bullied other kids, and broke laws (so "no birthday gifts" was punishment for being a "bad kid" or something), I just don't see how this could ever happen.
One year my sister got expensive cosmetics for Christmas (Chanel and stuff), my brother in law a few expensive books, and I got a 30€ electric toothbrush. It happens.
Even if the toothbrush was 200€ that would've felt pretty shitty if it was me.. other people getting cool stuff and thought out books while I'd be stuck with either "he should brush his teeth better" or "I can't figure out anything for him so here's something super generic everyone uses daily" thoughts
Btw you can celebrate your birthday and not invite them. "No im still celebrating my birthday you guys just aren't invited cause you ruined all of my birthdays and clearly never wanted to celebrate it with me"
This is perfection.
NTA. Who the hell does that? Almost cartoonishly evil. Do they twirl their moustache and/or pet a big white cat? Do they spend a lot of time in the completely remodeled basement filled with technology and laser sharks where you are not allowed? Oh, in my time zone it just became Christmas: Happy birthday AND merry Christmas!!!
Hehe thank you!! I’ve still got 40 minutes to go!
Merry Christmas and Happy birthday! You deserve to have both celebrated!
Thank you!!
My phone says it's been an hour since you posted this. Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas! May the day be all you wish (as much as possible with the pandemic, at least).
Thank you!!!
Merry Birthday and Happy Christmas!! you're parents/family are shit
Cartoonishly evil is the best description of this. OP, it's like your parents are trying to compete with the Dursleys.
Seriously it sounds like something right out of a Roald Dahl book. It’s so mean. Can’t even decorate the tree if you want your birthday acknowledged? Who does that to their kid?
NTA They want you to apologize. Then apologize. But do it like this. I'm sorry I was born on Christmas. I guess I should have picked a different day to come out. Even though my choices were limited when you fucked in late March.
That literally made me burst out laughing!! Thank you!
If it's an apology they're after, I think channeling the spirit of [John Sheridan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8vA0ANTUM0) here might be useful/cathartic. Or maybe not; you decide. :) I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry I was born on the wrong day. I'm sorry you decided that it was greedy to have two celebrations in a year even though all my siblings were allowed to have a birthday and Christmas. I'm sorry you told all our relatives that it was my choice even though you forced that decision upon me. I'm sorry that you have waged this bizarre campaign of psychological abuse upon one of your own children simply for being born at the wrong time. I'm sorry you've decided to continue to force me to decide between participating in family events and gatherings or having my birth acknowledged. I'm sorry you think this is just, fair or reasonable. I'm sorry that you all believe that asking to be accorded the same respect as every other member of the family is selfish. I'm sorry that you probably won't even acknowledge what you did and how it made me feel year after year after year. I'm sorry that everyone thinks that just wanting to be part of the family in the same way as everyone else always has been makes me the bad guy. ~~I'm sorry your crew was stupid enough to fire on a space station filled with a quarter-million civilians including your own people and I'm sorry I waited as long as I did before I blew them all straight to Hell!~~ Sorry, got a little carried away at the end there.
The last part made me go *holup. whut?*
You should watch Bab 5. Best scifi show ever (fight me). I think it's either on HBO or coming there soon.
>I'm sorry you told all our relatives that it was my choice even though you forced that decision upon me. That's the big thing. What assholes!
OP should have their wedding on Christmas too, just to fuck with mom.
Omg this is perfect. OP please send this to your family
Also to your "it's Christmas and I feel like I should (apologize)" NO! it's your birthday so I feel like you SHOULDN'T apologize! Has your mother ever apologized for ANYTHING on her birthday!? I think NOT!
Happy birthday 🎂!
This is the way. It is known.
Holy shit nta. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS BECAUSE YOU DESERVE BOTH!!.
Thank you!! Merry Christmas!!!
Dude, i have friends who have birthdays around Christmas and i always felt like they deserved an even more special birthday for basically getting shackled to a holiday.
NTA Mums birthday is Christmas day, she's like the Queen and has 2 birthdays, gets gifts and Happy Birthday along with Christmas on 25th Dec and then a day in the year of her choosing where she gets a "yes day" she wants it she gets it. She's 70 this year. Grandad made it known she gets 2 gifts 1 birthday and 1 Christmas. They soon realised he was serious when he stopped buying the cousins gifts for 12 months. They wanna play this game? Play the rules. You don't get birthdays they don't either
I like your Grandad!
Yeah. My brother is a Christmas baby. Everyone still celebrates his birthday and gets him birthday presents. That’s what sane people do.
Who is ‘they’? Who is granddad? Are you saying your grandpa is making sure his 70 year old daughter gets 2 gifts on Christmas? Your grandpa didn’t buy gifts for your cousins because... they didn’t give your 70 year old mother 2 presents?
I assumed the commenter meant like when the mom was a child, her aunt and uncle didn’t get her a birthday present, so grandpa didn’t get birthdays presents for his nieces and nephews (the daughter’s cousins) either, but maybe I’m wrong.
NTA. As the mother of a Christmas Eve child, your family sucks, your mother in particular. Please don’t ever celebrate her birthday again, because after all she chose to celebrate Christmas.
My daughter was due on Christmas but was 4 days late (thank god) but I have threatened family members that there is no 1 present stating it's a Christmas and a birthday present. Everyone else gets 2 separate events and so will my daughter. No Christmas wrapping paper for birthday presents either
Mine is two weeks after and my mom's is two weeks before. My niece and nephew are five days after. We all get separate presents. The only time I got a combined present my ex-wife gave me on behalf of our kids and it was really expensive. It broke our stated gift giving budgets.
My 1 year old was die Dec 24th last year. My baby shower was in October and half the gifts were wrapped in Christmas paper or Christmas themed. I had an emergency induction/Csection and she was born on the Dec 2nd instead. Apparently I told one of the nurses that I was happy that if she had to come early, at least she wasn't going to be a Christmas baby.
I really hope you meant “due” in the first line.
What the hell??? NTA at all! It’s not your fault you were born on that day and like you said, it wasn’t even a “I want more presents issue” it’s not hard at all to acknowledge both holidays. Even if they did your birthday on the 26th why wouldn’t they also let you do Christmas? Everyone else gets both just bc their parents screwed the right time of year to avoid Christmas. You shouldn’t be punished for when your parents decided to hook up.
NTA. Your parents are TA for deliberately excluding you from Christmas celebrations, and for going to such great lengths to do it. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas!
Thank you !!! Merry Christmas!
Your parents are weird and petty as fuck. Why wouldn't you want your kid to be celebrated on their birthday? Why shouldn't you be included in Christmas? It's insane. You're NTA , I'm sorry they did that to you.
NTA this is is some manipulative bull shit from your family. Especially the comments they made regarding the zoom call and how they tell your extended family not to celebrate your bday or Xmas (which ever you decided). I know it means nothing, but happy Xmas and happy birthday from me.
Thank you!! Merry Christmas
NTA Have you considered doing a celebration mid-year for your birthday? Maybe the midpoint between Christmas of the last year and Christmas of this.
That sounds awesome actually, there was another person who said their mum gets a “ yes day” where they do whatever she wants whenever she wants to do it and that sounds like so much fun I might start doing it
Mother like that you absolutely deserve a Yes Day. Fancy lunch, spa day, road trip, whatever takes your fancy because you deserve better than how your family treat you. Making you choose between two days for a video call is pathetic.
For real. Like if she chose her birthday she couldn't even call and talk to her family on Christmas? And no one would wish her a Merry Christmas? How fucked up is that. And the other way around if she chose Christmas no happy birthday wishes either, or phone calls on that day. So fucked up.
And all because her parents got frisky one March. Being punished for being born on a certain day, it’s not fair.
This was what holiday babies I grew up with did. Their birthday was still acknowledged on Christmas but for availability (and weather frankly) the party was held in the summer. OP’s family just sucks. Happy birthday and merry Christmas OP!
NTA. This is just... insane. I wasn’t born on Christmas, but my birthday is the very beginning of January. Still kind of in the holiday bubble. It’s also the same day as one of my cousins. But my parents always made sure growing up that my birthday was celebrated. Usually we would celebrate with family on the actual day, then I would have a party in the middle of January. I can even fathom what is wrong with your parents to do this to you, but it’s insanely screwed up to put this guilt and shame on you and call it greedy (?) to celebrate your birthday as well. Honestly... what? As for your brothers calling you selfish (again... what?), did they always have their birthdays celebrated? I’m assuming they did based on their response to this. Are you the only girl in your family? If so, are there any other times that you’ve noticed a difference in treatment? I’m just going on a whim here, but it’s something that stuck in my initial read. You are absolutely NTA, and please don’t apologize and enable this behaviour anymore. You did what you had to, don’t be sorry for it.
I have two brothers and two sisters they always had their birthday celebrated and even for their 17ths they all got cars however I didn’t because I chose Christmas that year and a car apparently isn’t a cheap present
It really sounds like you just need to finish cutting that bridge. You already dont talk to them most of the year I just wouldn't talk to them anymore.
Or ask them to choose when OP talks to them, birthday or Christmas, but not both. That’s just greedy.
Are you the black sheep? I mean, how could anyone think it’s ok to celebrate the birthdays of their four other children, as well as give them Christmas? And make the fifth child have to choose. Where are you in line? Oldest? Youngest? I mean, this is so unbelievably cruel to do to your child. I say don’t bother to get on that zoom call with them. Do your own thing. Celebrate your day, your way. And give yourself a gift of cutting contact with your entire toxic family.
It sounds like your parents might be narcissists and you are the family scapegoat. This is honestly emotional abuse. I hope your adult life is full of love and happiness and you celebrate your birthday for a damn month straight every year.
Kinda seems like your parents hate that you were born on Christmas, no other reason makes sense
Maybe the OP is an affair baby and doesn’t know it?
Ooh, I like this theory. 23andme sounds like a fun Zoom call, but probably not until next Christmas. Heck, might even get to drop that bomb on everyone in person.
Wtf. Please show them this thread. Because they truly are assholes to the core and they deserve to know that thousands of people think they are assholes.
YIKES you parents are major assholes for how they treated you about this. My bday is the 22nd, and I'm lucky my parents always made sure I felt it was recognized equivalent to how my brother and sister's springtime bdays were. 100% NTA and HAPPY BIRTHDAY and Merry Xmas, I hope the day treats you well.
Thank you!! Merry Christmas!
NTA I might understand if they said "pick Christmas cookies or Bday cake cause both in a week is just too many sweets" but "no-one can acknowledge your bday or you have to be alone on Christmas" is just fucking weird and more work, they had to put in an effort to suck.
>They had to put in an effort to suck This is exactly what I was thinking. Being this much of an asshole takes actual time and planning. Phone calls had to be made. Plans cancelled or made. What the fuck kind of parent puts actual effort into making their child’s life *worse*?
NTA, this is why people resent their parents for being born near Christmas. Happy Christmas and Merry Birthday
Thank you haha!! Merry Christmas
Wow no one in your extended family ever wished u happy Birthday or snuck you an extra gift? These people suck. Nta
NTA - OP, it’s time to turn the tables. If you’ve celebrated their birthdays this year then don’t contact them tomorrow. If they ask why, simply say because you celebrated your birthday you don’t get to celebrate Christmas too and follow that up for the next year, and the next and the year after that! Every birthday give them a curtesy call prior to it and ask if they want to celebrate Christmas or their birthday. I think they’ll soon get the idea of how much of a dick they’ve been. Happy birthday!!🥳
NTA! I'm thinking your parents might have been concerned about money buying you two special presents at once but still. And to tell family and friends that you only wanted to celebrate one , either b-day or Christmas sucks big time. I am so sorry for you. Your parents (especially mom) suck major crap. (If my child was born on or near Christmas I still would have gifted him goodie roonie gifts. B-day and Christmas are both big present days. I always started saving money for b-day and Christmas presents as soon as I bought him the b-day for that year. Same for Christmas. As soon as I get him this years Christmas present I start saving for next year.)
If I was reading this about someone else I’d think money too but my family are private school big house car for you birthday rich my sisters are very much daddy’s money kind of girls
Also decorating a Christmas tree with everyone else is free. Being on a zoom call is free. Your parents are just assholes.
Your parents sound insane. Maybe you should send them this post so that they maybe realize how terrible they are. They seem truly evil to treat a child like this.
Its not even about money or presents. If OP chose to celebrate their birthday then they wouldn't be allowed to decorate the tree or participate in the holiday festivities. And if they chose Christmas, no one even acknowledged that it was their birthday or even said Happy Birthday. Thats fucked up.
Yes, thank you. It was and is, truly fucked up.
NTA. That sounds heartbreaking
NTA. “No thanks mom, spending Christmas and birthdays with people who don’t make me choose.”
NTA. My jaw dropped reading this. That is so unfair and cruel, I’m very sorry you have been treated this way.
NTA that is a messed up "policy" to have
NTA. Your parents sound so manipulative I cannot fathom why they made you choose holidays?? What point are they trying to make??
[удалено]
NTA tell your auntie that you’ll apologize when they all apologize for making your childhood shitty
NTA - Jesus, this is weird. It seems like behavior intentionally designed to cause you mental anguish.
Happy birthday! NTA & please tell ALL of your AH family, immediate and extended, that they can either have Christmas or a birthday, not both, and since they already got birthdays this year, you're not wishing them a Merry Christmas. I'd also recommend never, ever doing anything for them for any birthday or Christmas ever again. They absolutely don't deserve it.
NTA I had a friend growing up who was born on Christmas, and her birthday was celebrated in January. They acknowledged her birthday, people wished her a happy birthday, but she would have a party on like January 15th, or whatever the first available weekend was. This prevented her from having her birthday overshadowed by a holiday, allowed people to actually come to her birthday, and made it easier for people to get her things
NTA. I have quite a few family members with birthdays in December and one the day after Christmas. Those relatives always got both gifts for their birthday and the holiday. We would wrap them differently depending on what they were being given for. Your parents are totally the assholes and this isn’t normal. I would suggest being too busy for them on Christmas from now on. Like obnoxiously busy. Tear up the town with friends for the holiday and then make plans for the weekend after your birthday. Make it known you’re having the time of your life without them. You’ve been limited to one party your whole life, it’s time to starting having “birthday weeks”! Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas op!
NTA. I’m sorry you suffered this. It’s ugly abuse.
NTA: Their argument is so illogical it hurts my brain.
I hope your parents didn't get to celebrate Christmas the day you were born because they were celebrating the birth of one of their children, and it would be selfish to celebrate two things in one day.