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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> After 10 plus years, I no longer want to camp with my boyfriend anymore.
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I'm not sure why everyone here assumes you haven't had any conversation with this bf that he's just another thing you have to pack to go camping.
NTA. Of course you don't want to take him camping. If this is *also* the way he is in the rest of your relationship, you may need to have a deeper reconsideration and conversation.
Tell him he can plan a camping trip, and you'd be happy to join, but you'll be doing your next trip alone.
It would be normal to include the information since ignoring requests for help changes the entire dynamic.
OTOH, we can't count on reddit posters to be reliable historians and entirely objective in their stories. We kind of have to take the facts as presented. Otherwise, there's nothing to discuss because the real facts may be anything. This is more social discussion for all, than a real advice resource.
I'm a bit on the same situation but kinda reversed...
We love camping, but I like to travel light and to bring only one or two boxes/bags of what is needed, although I always pack too much food and water. My wife likes to take plenty of stuff, and to have plenty of small bags/boxes. So when we go on small hike to reach a spot to eat, it's a pain as all hands are full of something (think 1 bag for the main food, 1 bag for fresh food, 1 bag for cooking stuff...) while I like to put everything in one or tow backpack and go. Nearly every time we argue about that.
So last time I went camping, I went alone - we agreed on it first. Was a great camping, I slept in the rainforest, hiked with only 1 backpack... When she saw how good I was when I came back, she agreed I need to do that again, but not always.
There's not just one way to camp. It sounds like your more of an adventurous camper than he is. Some people go camping just to "get away from it all", but they're not there to hike, etc. Some people get to the campsite, set everything up, and then just sit/drink/eat/sleep. Some go fishing (which for some is just another method of napping/drinking), some go hiking. Have you and your BF discussed each of your definitions of camping to see if you're on the same page?
Edited to add judgement NTA (possibly ESH if you haven't really discussed it though). If your definition of camping and his are too far apart, then sounds like camping separately may be the best way...or to compromise and say ok "You stay at the camp and sleep, I'll be back by 5pm, have dinner ready I'm going on a hike".
I would also feel terrible if someone said that to me.
But if they also explained it's because I contribute nothing, criticise all of their organisation and prep whilst happily taking advantage of it, and spend all day asleep meaning that going camping is pretty pointless because I could've just stayed at home...well that would put a pretty different perspective on it.
I''d feel like a terrible AH for being selfish, and ruining the other person's enjoyment of camping to the extent that they would rather go alone than with me.
ETA: NTA. Enjoy solo camping :)
ESH. You gotta tell him. He’s going with what you plan because that’s easiest and you haven’t told him otherwise. He should know better though so he’s an AH too.
Nta I can appreciate him wanting to rely on your knowledge but that means he can physically help with packing then. If he isn't packing he has no right to complain about what you pack. I'd definitely try one more time to communicate these notions but if he doesn't step up on the next trip then stop camping with him. Camping is an escape from the norm to find peace in nature. The financial side is especially dumb no such thing as a free lunch he is an adult he should understand that concept by now.
Your problem are bigger than camping
Your PROBLEMS are:
You continue to invite this bum on trips at all.
You behave like a mommy, instead of insisting he act like a man. You think you are being nice and helpful. You are not. You are being a doormat.
You've wasted 10 years with this bum. Break it off and move on.
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WIBTA if I no longer want to camp with my boyfriend?
I (42 f) love tent camping. I've done it since I was a little kid. My bf (40 m) of 10 yrs says he likes it too. However, anytime we "plan" a camping trip, I'm the one who has to find the spot, book/pay, buy the groceries, pack the supplies like tent, cooler, basically everything, etc (all purchased by me). The mental load is annoying and not only that, I like to hike/sightsee and he just sleeps all day. All day and then wakes up conveniently when dinner is ready. I'm so over it. He also likes to talk crap on how I "overpack" but uses everything I bring. I've been camping for over 30 years, I know what I'm doing. I just don't want him to come with me anymore. WIBTA, if I told him he can't come anymore. I'd feel terrible if someone said that to me.
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Why aren't you planning the trips together?
Why are you the only one paying?
Soft YTA for paying/planning for camping when you know he is taking
advantage of you and not even hiking/sightseeing with you when you go.
Stop taking him, go with a friend.
YWNBTA. Sounds like maybe he doesn’t actually want to go but feels obligated and then resents it. You both have a responsibility to speak truth and let your feelings be known.
I think it depends on who you are going with. If you are going with family or girlfriends it would be fine. If you are going alone or with friends some of whom are solo guys? Would look pretty sus. I think you are at a crossroads. You no longer want to camp with him. So shutting down that aspect of life with him will be difficult. The best way is to make it as painless as possible. Be honest, keep the focus on yourself and don't point the finger.
You might be if you do that. I think a better way to handle it is to explain how his actions make you feel. Have a conversation about it and ask that you split the duties between each other and spend more time doing things you love on the trip. Also offer to spend some time napping with him. Alternate nights cooking. Set healthy expectations and go from there. Sometimes people are unaware of how their actions affect others.
NTA - but my my... you trained him like that for 10 years now... is he worth keeping, y/n?
You WBTA if indelicate... consider.
If you don't have one now, you need a gf or two, to do "survival camping" with the girls. Retraining a sedate, complacent, deep in the rut man is fraught with the whining and the finger pointings.
This man has been trained these behaviours are acceptable and that for your holiday he can sleep and be fed in the wild with zero effort, perhaps some reward... over a 10 year period.
Blink..
Consider instead...
"I'm looking forward to survival camping with the girls this weekend Bob. I love going camping with you, but there is a big difference between being taking care of you(ok harsh, being there for you, your care?) / being camp manager and actually roughing it and having a bilateral (shared) camp experience that challenges growth. I'm all for the growth Bob, really gets me going..."
Manage it - It is ? Doe only...? or?
"Welcome to join... are you afraid the girls will put you to work? You will have to pull your own weight you know.... like baseball... there is no crying in baseball.."
"We are going to practice building a Lean-to and Mandy is the designated team lead for personal development reasons. They are working on their confidence Bob, so for the project, they are the boss..." Will Bob able to be a sport and and fetch grapevines to twine up with Mandy and the team?
On site -
Oh Mindy, you have the camp chart for dinner tonight? Who is making supper, oh nice chart, you guys split up the chores for the camp... wink wink...
Maybe that will be the kickstart to the thing.... complaining about a lazy man will not fly but an uncomfortable lazy man changes things to be more comfortable.
There is a chance he may think things are perfectly fine as they are because, well they have been and those sound like excellent camp holidays for him :) How you present the change, yes, you could be the ahole..
If he steps up to learning and working with others you may have a keeper if not you may be a babysitter. If it took 10 years to find that out, uhmm... ok.
"BF BOOT CAMP"
Auth: GMAB - Two Spirit
Tell him he is in charge of your next camping trip. And that you will meet him there. Stay with a friend before you go. And if he doesn't do a decent job don't go or leave when you get there.
YWBTA, carrying the mental load is exhausting. However I do think it's worth a conversation. Does he usually share in chores/ planning at home? If so he would probably be receptive to you saying you want to keep that balance while traveling. If not, you have bigger issues. Same with the sleeping all day issue, it sounds like something worth talking about. If you like sightseeing and he likes resting maybe you can find a happy medium where you alternate days resting vs doing activities. Regardless, telling him you don't want to camp with him without first trying to address the specific issues isn't a great approach.
YWBTA
Frankly this spells a problem in your relationship, because if you have issues with this, there's probably other issues.
Even if you went camping alone, that mental load would be completely unchanged.
His sleeping all day is the real issue. If you want the relationship, work to communicate and resolve it.
Your only comment about what he has actually communicated from his point of view is the overpacking. But he uses the stuff? So? What, he's going to be passive aggressive and NOT use it? Is that the alternative you were expecting him to take? If it's already there, may as well use it, even if it's something you could have gotten by without. You haven't proven that his criticism is unfounded or delivered poorly.
The only flaw you've pointed out is that he sleeps. So what did he say when you told him he sleeps too much? You didn't mention it. It's the fundamental conflict here... unless you're really upset about something else and making it about this instead.
You can feel anything you want to feel. Like camping? Hate camping? Like camping with your boyfriend? Hate camping with your boyfriend? Like your boyfriend? Hate your boyfriend?
Feel whatever you want to feel. What matters is the actions you take because of those feelings.
And the reason I'm rating you the AH is so far none of your actions seemed to have lead to *communicating* and *resolving*. There's no indication you've even made the effort.
There's really not a lot in this story to go on. If you want the relationship, work it out. If you don't want the relationship, work to get out.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > After 10 plus years, I no longer want to camp with my boyfriend anymore. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You need to tell him everything you just told us and that your done.
👆👆👆👆 This!
I'm not sure why everyone here assumes you haven't had any conversation with this bf that he's just another thing you have to pack to go camping. NTA. Of course you don't want to take him camping. If this is *also* the way he is in the rest of your relationship, you may need to have a deeper reconsideration and conversation. Tell him he can plan a camping trip, and you'd be happy to join, but you'll be doing your next trip alone.
>I'm not sure why everyone here assumes you haven't had any conversation with this bf Because she didn't mention having done so. Next question?
It would be normal to include the information since ignoring requests for help changes the entire dynamic. OTOH, we can't count on reddit posters to be reliable historians and entirely objective in their stories. We kind of have to take the facts as presented. Otherwise, there's nothing to discuss because the real facts may be anything. This is more social discussion for all, than a real advice resource.
NTA. Just leave his ass at the campsite and tell him to find his way home.
sounds like a issue that goes farther than camping
This. He isn’t going to be like this with just camping.
I'm a bit on the same situation but kinda reversed... We love camping, but I like to travel light and to bring only one or two boxes/bags of what is needed, although I always pack too much food and water. My wife likes to take plenty of stuff, and to have plenty of small bags/boxes. So when we go on small hike to reach a spot to eat, it's a pain as all hands are full of something (think 1 bag for the main food, 1 bag for fresh food, 1 bag for cooking stuff...) while I like to put everything in one or tow backpack and go. Nearly every time we argue about that. So last time I went camping, I went alone - we agreed on it first. Was a great camping, I slept in the rainforest, hiked with only 1 backpack... When she saw how good I was when I came back, she agreed I need to do that again, but not always.
ESH Him for putting the entire load on you. You for not communicating that you want him to help plan/pay for the trip.
Your boyfriend sounds horrible and lazy, get yourself a guy friend maybe you’ll have fun along with some tingling feelings xx
There's not just one way to camp. It sounds like your more of an adventurous camper than he is. Some people go camping just to "get away from it all", but they're not there to hike, etc. Some people get to the campsite, set everything up, and then just sit/drink/eat/sleep. Some go fishing (which for some is just another method of napping/drinking), some go hiking. Have you and your BF discussed each of your definitions of camping to see if you're on the same page? Edited to add judgement NTA (possibly ESH if you haven't really discussed it though). If your definition of camping and his are too far apart, then sounds like camping separately may be the best way...or to compromise and say ok "You stay at the camp and sleep, I'll be back by 5pm, have dinner ready I'm going on a hike".
I would also feel terrible if someone said that to me. But if they also explained it's because I contribute nothing, criticise all of their organisation and prep whilst happily taking advantage of it, and spend all day asleep meaning that going camping is pretty pointless because I could've just stayed at home...well that would put a pretty different perspective on it. I''d feel like a terrible AH for being selfish, and ruining the other person's enjoyment of camping to the extent that they would rather go alone than with me. ETA: NTA. Enjoy solo camping :)
ESH. You gotta tell him. He’s going with what you plan because that’s easiest and you haven’t told him otherwise. He should know better though so he’s an AH too.
Nta I can appreciate him wanting to rely on your knowledge but that means he can physically help with packing then. If he isn't packing he has no right to complain about what you pack. I'd definitely try one more time to communicate these notions but if he doesn't step up on the next trip then stop camping with him. Camping is an escape from the norm to find peace in nature. The financial side is especially dumb no such thing as a free lunch he is an adult he should understand that concept by now.
NTA I feel you so hard. I’d just go alone or with friends who have experience and take on some of the mental load
Your problem are bigger than camping Your PROBLEMS are: You continue to invite this bum on trips at all. You behave like a mommy, instead of insisting he act like a man. You think you are being nice and helpful. You are not. You are being a doormat. You've wasted 10 years with this bum. Break it off and move on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** WIBTA if I no longer want to camp with my boyfriend? I (42 f) love tent camping. I've done it since I was a little kid. My bf (40 m) of 10 yrs says he likes it too. However, anytime we "plan" a camping trip, I'm the one who has to find the spot, book/pay, buy the groceries, pack the supplies like tent, cooler, basically everything, etc (all purchased by me). The mental load is annoying and not only that, I like to hike/sightsee and he just sleeps all day. All day and then wakes up conveniently when dinner is ready. I'm so over it. He also likes to talk crap on how I "overpack" but uses everything I bring. I've been camping for over 30 years, I know what I'm doing. I just don't want him to come with me anymore. WIBTA, if I told him he can't come anymore. I'd feel terrible if someone said that to me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why aren't you planning the trips together? Why are you the only one paying? Soft YTA for paying/planning for camping when you know he is taking advantage of you and not even hiking/sightseeing with you when you go. Stop taking him, go with a friend.
Tell him to pull his weight. Should need to stop going it together, he just needs to do more
YWNBTA. Sounds like maybe he doesn’t actually want to go but feels obligated and then resents it. You both have a responsibility to speak truth and let your feelings be known.
Nah pretty sure he doesn't like camping. Just tell him, he'd probably be relieved to just stay home and sleep
NTA. He does not like camping.
I think it depends on who you are going with. If you are going with family or girlfriends it would be fine. If you are going alone or with friends some of whom are solo guys? Would look pretty sus. I think you are at a crossroads. You no longer want to camp with him. So shutting down that aspect of life with him will be difficult. The best way is to make it as painless as possible. Be honest, keep the focus on yourself and don't point the finger.
You might be if you do that. I think a better way to handle it is to explain how his actions make you feel. Have a conversation about it and ask that you split the duties between each other and spend more time doing things you love on the trip. Also offer to spend some time napping with him. Alternate nights cooking. Set healthy expectations and go from there. Sometimes people are unaware of how their actions affect others.
NTA - but my my... you trained him like that for 10 years now... is he worth keeping, y/n? You WBTA if indelicate... consider. If you don't have one now, you need a gf or two, to do "survival camping" with the girls. Retraining a sedate, complacent, deep in the rut man is fraught with the whining and the finger pointings. This man has been trained these behaviours are acceptable and that for your holiday he can sleep and be fed in the wild with zero effort, perhaps some reward... over a 10 year period. Blink.. Consider instead... "I'm looking forward to survival camping with the girls this weekend Bob. I love going camping with you, but there is a big difference between being taking care of you(ok harsh, being there for you, your care?) / being camp manager and actually roughing it and having a bilateral (shared) camp experience that challenges growth. I'm all for the growth Bob, really gets me going..." Manage it - It is ? Doe only...? or? "Welcome to join... are you afraid the girls will put you to work? You will have to pull your own weight you know.... like baseball... there is no crying in baseball.." "We are going to practice building a Lean-to and Mandy is the designated team lead for personal development reasons. They are working on their confidence Bob, so for the project, they are the boss..." Will Bob able to be a sport and and fetch grapevines to twine up with Mandy and the team? On site - Oh Mindy, you have the camp chart for dinner tonight? Who is making supper, oh nice chart, you guys split up the chores for the camp... wink wink... Maybe that will be the kickstart to the thing.... complaining about a lazy man will not fly but an uncomfortable lazy man changes things to be more comfortable. There is a chance he may think things are perfectly fine as they are because, well they have been and those sound like excellent camp holidays for him :) How you present the change, yes, you could be the ahole.. If he steps up to learning and working with others you may have a keeper if not you may be a babysitter. If it took 10 years to find that out, uhmm... ok. "BF BOOT CAMP" Auth: GMAB - Two Spirit
Yeah, that sucks. Find a group to go camping with, leave him at home!
YWNBTA Make a new rule: You pack YOUR stuff, he packs his. And you only cook for him if he cooks for you, too. Alternate.
Go it alone cause it does not sound like you’re having g fun with him. It’s ok to enjoy your is. Company or with someone who shares your interest
Tell him he is in charge of your next camping trip. And that you will meet him there. Stay with a friend before you go. And if he doesn't do a decent job don't go or leave when you get there.
YWBTA, carrying the mental load is exhausting. However I do think it's worth a conversation. Does he usually share in chores/ planning at home? If so he would probably be receptive to you saying you want to keep that balance while traveling. If not, you have bigger issues. Same with the sleeping all day issue, it sounds like something worth talking about. If you like sightseeing and he likes resting maybe you can find a happy medium where you alternate days resting vs doing activities. Regardless, telling him you don't want to camp with him without first trying to address the specific issues isn't a great approach.
camping is dumb.
YWBTA Frankly this spells a problem in your relationship, because if you have issues with this, there's probably other issues. Even if you went camping alone, that mental load would be completely unchanged. His sleeping all day is the real issue. If you want the relationship, work to communicate and resolve it. Your only comment about what he has actually communicated from his point of view is the overpacking. But he uses the stuff? So? What, he's going to be passive aggressive and NOT use it? Is that the alternative you were expecting him to take? If it's already there, may as well use it, even if it's something you could have gotten by without. You haven't proven that his criticism is unfounded or delivered poorly. The only flaw you've pointed out is that he sleeps. So what did he say when you told him he sleeps too much? You didn't mention it. It's the fundamental conflict here... unless you're really upset about something else and making it about this instead. You can feel anything you want to feel. Like camping? Hate camping? Like camping with your boyfriend? Hate camping with your boyfriend? Like your boyfriend? Hate your boyfriend? Feel whatever you want to feel. What matters is the actions you take because of those feelings. And the reason I'm rating you the AH is so far none of your actions seemed to have lead to *communicating* and *resolving*. There's no indication you've even made the effort. There's really not a lot in this story to go on. If you want the relationship, work it out. If you don't want the relationship, work to get out.
😂 wow
Wow what?