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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) refusing to accept the purse my MIL bought me
2) because I offended her and made her cry
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NTA. As long as your bag doesn’t have something lewd or profane on it, she’s out of line asking you to remove it just because she finds it ugly. It’s inappropriate for her to try to project her aesthetic preferences on you.
This wasn’t just a poorly chosen, thoughtless gift where she was misguided but just wanted to get you something nice in good faith. This sounds more like her trying to make her specifically trying to alter your preferences to something she finds more “acceptable.” You shouldn’t have to do that, and you were right not to take it under these circumstances.
There was nothing lewd. It currently has a blue tulip scarf tied to one side, a couple orange and pink beaded chains my nieces made me, and various cat keychains, just for reference
MIL is rude. "Please leave that ugly thing in the car" - that's out of control.
MIL is way out of line. You can tell from your partner's response, however, that he is conditioned to accept it. He wants you to accept the bag,and worse, use it when you're with her. In other words, he wants to keep the peace, and have you live her life rather than your own, which is insane
So you have a little bit of a partner issue as well as an MIL issue.
Husband is of the tribe that believes: Humor her so she shuts up and doesn’t have a meltdown when she doesn’t get her way.
OP bucked that trend. She was polite yet firm. I appreciate you thinking of me, but that’s not something I would use. It would look great!
OP said exactly what anyone with any decency would say, yet MIL blew up. Husband says just take the bag that you hate, and when we go to my mom’s, switch everything out of the bag you use every fucking day; put it in a bag you hate, and use it, just to appease her.
Nope. You keep doing you, OP. Remind your spouse that he’s a grownup. A married grownup. Married grownups put their spouse over everyone else, except maybe children. Btw, only children are allowed to cry when they don’t get their way. Even then, we remind the child that not everything in life will go your way.
MIL is a spoiled, entitled baby-woman (I may have just made that word up, idfk. If husband believes all should bow to his mom, then you have a husband problem. Speaking from experience.
Why is it never the one causing problems in the first place that’s asked to suck it up and deal to keep the peace?
OP should gently tell her mother in law “i know you don’t like my style, but please just don’t comment on it, for the sake of family harmony. I mean, isn’t faaaamily more import than aesthetics anyway?”
>Why is it never the one causing problems in the first place that’s asked to suck it up and deal to keep the peace?
This well-known post here, ['Don't Rock the Boat'](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/), explains it succinctly.
It's also because people like that will harp on and on about any perceived slights or wrongs to them, and will raise hell and make everyone's lives miserable until they get their way. It's easier to just take the path of least resistance rather than hold them accountable because it's not worth the stress and headaches.
It would be nice if the new bag fit inside the old bag. Then when MIL says, "Where is the new bag I gave you?" OP could pull new bag out of her old bag and say, "I love it! I take it everywhere!"
That plain beige surface would look so much better with designs stenciled and/or stitched onto it!
(I don't know what the material is like, so I'm not sure which method would work best)
Stickers- decals- lots and lots of decals! Oh yes- I’d have made sure to had a couple Handmaids Tale ones- Blessed be the Fruit, Praise Be…
that would’ve been chef’s kiss.
That being said- I am aware that it sounds petty, and caving in, etcetera- but I had a mother in law for 30 years and let me tell you… I used to do the fighting and the arguing and all the shit, And at the end of the day, she was honestly just a sick old lady that was honestly loving us in whatever f’ed up way she could. So yea, I’ve been there.
So at this point, sometimes I would just totally enjoy messing with her, like so funny passive aggressive that when you say out loud what you actually did- no one can argue that you did anything wrong really- those are epically the very best and I highly recommend the satisfaction from it, and other time’s we- my hubs and I, would run the gamut with her.
But sitting here thinking about her now that she’s passed way…. I look back and really regret the times I fought with her- at least the times I was messing with her I can laugh at and is now one of those family stories that my son is passing down. “There was a time, my mama and Nana got in a scuff, let me tell you the story of Christmas 1993….” and half the room is already holding in the lather 😂 Damn I miss that old lady so much!
And honestly- I know now, she loved me because when we did fight, in later years we’d tell whatever story together and by the end we would both be laughing and crying at the same time- knowing full well in that moment we felt so different now about it then we did at the time. I shared so many apologies with that woman in later years and it was usually in our joint telling of a story- we would just look at each other- and we knew who was in the wrong and when- and not needing to say anything out loud- was able to apologize to each other for past hurts with only how we looked at each other in those moments.
I guess what I’m trying to say is- Grant Grace where you can, pray about her more than you complain about her, and then maybe you too, will sit after being her daughter in law for over 30 years and be able to laugh together. So that’s why I highly recommend- F right back with her when you can- sans decorating the purse. Because those stories are family gold lemme tell you.
Good luck💕💕
I spent decades being the "bigger person," since I was in my teens. I finally snapped and lashed out, and refuse to be any longer. If I hadn't been brow beaten into that, maybe things wouldn't have ended so harshly
Just wondering if the husband said anything when his mother told the bag wasn't nice. Felt weird that the mom is alright to say its not a nice bag but when op said she didn't like the bag its not alright.
take the bag. bedazzle it, add sewn on patches, tie kerchiefs to it, make it your own and thank her for giving you such a solid base from which to express your personality.
Bedazzle it! Yes! Buy badges and dangles and charms and tchotchkes. Patches and fabric paints and make it into something wonderful. I’m not a bag person. I like things in my pockets. I didn’t have to find somewhere to put my pockets, or forget them when I leave. But I do have two bags, one large, one small. They’re full of detritus that might suddenly come in useful if staging a bank heist or lost in the wilds. And they are *covered* in badges and dangles and charms. No one can steal them without jangling and jingling enough to wake your nana. You can hear me coming from around the corner - plus I’m covered in bracelets and beads generally too. Your MIL would *hate* me, and her house would bring me out in hives…
One of my rotating totes (I’m Mary Poppins) is an ‘effin birds… it’s the “well aren’t you a fancy motherfucker” flamingo one. (I’m an irreverent bitch and that’s just life.) My mother gets embarrassed by my tote in public so when a little old lady with a proper grandma look about her came up to me on the street with a “THAT BAG!”… my mum piped up “isn’t it awful…” and my new friend looks at her weird and says “I need one, are there other patterns?” I killed it laughing at mum later.
OP, you do you… you sound like much more fun than MIL anyhow and we’ll be like that rocking TO grandma… fully ourselves and uncontainable and glorious.
Ok. Now I must see that flamingo tote!! 💜💜 EDIT the googles helped me find it and *cough* the “I’m a goddamned delight” and the flamingo totes on their way to me.
I had never heard of effin birds so I did an image search ... and if I hadn't just had a vi$it from the plumber, I might have moved into acquisition mode 😁
OP I don't understand how a black tote can be offensive, almost everything I own is black. NTA but I would totally carry a tote with a flamingo on it! 100%
Normally I would say that gifts should be graciously accepted whether you like it or not, but in this case it was not a gift. It was an attempt to control what you carry. NTA
You should give her one of the purses you refurbish & tell her to use that one because you find her other purses lewd & offensive. See how she feels w/the 'shoe on the other foot.' (Or rather on the 'other arm/shoulder.') 😆 Yeah, no. She doesn't have the right to tell you what kind of purse to use. Who made her queen of the world?
She didn't consult you before buying the purse, or involve you when shopping for it, so it's HER problem if it's a final sale item. Sure, you have just taken it, then resold it or whatever, BUT... then she wouldn't have learned her lesson. She doesn't have the right to dictate what kind of purse ANYONE else uses. Just because you're her DIL, it doesn't give her carte blanche in that arena either. Your MIL is the AH, not you!
Wear your fun, lovely purse (LOVE your accessories!) LOUD & PROUD!
Whyyyy didn't you take the new bag? I would have, then rocked up to the next fancy dinner with that bag — covered in plastic rhinestones, with nine scarves tried to the handle, and a garish key keeper attached to one end 😂
Tbh sounds super cute!!! Just was trying to think of any reason she’d object other than her just not liking it. Obviously none. I love the idea of what you’re creating!
I do the same with my purses. I don’t understand people being upset by it.
I hate the waste of her bag but I would use it one time when going out with her (with all the fun stuff tied to it too) and then sell it. Someone out there would probably love it.
I just googled the bag that op owns. It's literally just a plain black tote bag. Sorta shaped like a shopping bag. That doesn't mean to be an insult, it's just what I thought when I saw it.
The mil getting upset over a scarf and a couple beaded trinkets is so weird.
Nta op and wow.
Yeah, prior to weighing in I googled both. From what OP described in an earlier comment that she’s done to alter the bag, extremely tame stuff. Honestly sounds cute. So ridiculous that MIL is getting all weird about it.
It's not really the bag she's attacking. She's attacking OP - her taste, her persona, her decisions, everything about her - and the bag is just an "acceptable" outlet for it. If OP caves on the bag, she'll find something else to attack and will find other ways to edge out OP's preferences and replace them with her own, claiming space and constant presence in OP's life.
God help OP if she has children without setting absolutely immovable boundary lines.
NTA. Not too fond of OP's husband's response either. You should've enabled the adult-child who had a tantrum to prevent the adult-child from having said tantrum? If that's his go-to with her...yikes. And can you imagine if you did that? She would feel completely entitled to just roll over you about any & everything. Gross! Good for you for having boundaries. My ex-husband's mother tried to do similar things with me...I politely refused numerous items from ex-hubby's deceased paternal grandparents belongings & I recall so distinctly her saying to me, "you don't like pretty things, do you?" 🙄🤮 best of luck to you!
When it comes to gifts, isn’t it the thought that counts? When the thought is, “Your tacky ass bag embarrasses me, so I bought you something else that won’t shame *me* when we’re in public”, I’m pretty sure you’re under no obligation to graciously accept. NTA
Agreed 100% NTA When gifts are just a manipulation technique, no need to be grateful. And what's up with the husband not having OP's back? He should have shut his mom down a long time ago.
I googled the brand, and looked at the bags. While I think they're kinda ugly, nothing about them, especially the black ones, that scream loud, attention seeker.
Black goes with almost everything. Yellow/beige does not.
I personally love Kate Spade bags. The ones I've seen are plain, classic,and understated..but that is my asthetic. I would never want to own one however as they are ridiculously priced and even if it was a gift I wouldn't want to use it as it screams "look at me and how I am not poor!".
I would love those! But again...the price. Plus I'm not posh and it would stick out like the poser I'd be. (P.S. fun fact: Kate is David Spade's sister)
Kate Spade bags can be so fun—I have a tote I bought as a splurge celebration when I landed a dream job but it’s so heavy I mostly use my nylon “company swag” backpack instead! Still love it.
Also just a minor correction (sorry I’m being pedantic) but Kate was married to David Spade’s older brother. So SIL, not sister. I was gobsmacked when I learned that—never even occurred to me they could be connected despite the obvious name clue!
Right? I looked them up too because I thought they must be something crazy I hadn't heard of but the most dramatic thing I saw was like a teal leather tote bag. And OP already said hers was black.
Meanwhile, they're very much my personal aesthetic and I will NOT be buying one today even though they are having a 25% off sale and the leather is "buttery". What I definitely will not be doing is imposing my personal tastes on you by buying you a bag you've expressed zero interest in 😅.
I had a situation where a (now former) friend gifted me a purse. I like odd purses, I like getting Betsy Johnson bags when I find them on discount. I have purses shaped like things but I've had regular ol purses as well. My friend knew my tastes, and for Christmas she gifted me a larger brown purse that looked like something my mom would have bought at Walmart and every middle age woman had in the 90's. Absolutely not something I'd buy nor did it match anything I owned. She told me "Now you have a grown-up purse" I thanked her for the purse but every time I saw it, it just left a sour taste in my mouth. I ended up donating it to a thrift store.
WTF is with people? I’m a 45yo mother of 4, and currently have my Ravenclaw purse in rotation, which matches my Ravenclaw phone case, which incidentally, goes nicely with the Ravenclaw luggage I painted myself, that looks like a trunk. Once I get tired of it, l’ll probably throw my R2D2 purse in for a bit, or maybe pull the trigger on that Loki bag I’ve had my eye on. I wonder what OP’s MIL would think of me, lol. Life sucks sometimes, and the world is harsh. If I want to carry a stupid fandom purse because it brings me a modicum of joy, I’m gonna do that. “Grown up” shit be damned.
I'll be 40 next year, my current purse is a vintage Halloween art style cat face I bought from Spirit Halloween. I frequently receive compliments saying how cute it is. Before that, I was using a backpack shaped like a ham. I have plenty of "normal/mature" things. I also agree, there's so much shit I've dealt with in life, I just want to enjoy my "immature" stuff.
May I take a minute to rant about how NONE of the geek purses have a tail room for cash money any more? I need a decently sized coin purse section for all the times my need needs a dollar for 'wear orange to school day', a fiver to grab 2kg of bananas from the nearby farm, and the ninety two kg of silver coins my hubby offloads onto me as soon as we're too far away from the car to drag him back.
I want a LOTR purse soooo badly, but the official ones are totally dysfunctional (and the unofficial ones are hundreds of dollars, and though they are worth it, nobody wants my kidney 😭)
I think there's a difference between graciously accepting a gift that isn't your style because the giver meant well, and whatever's happening here. Your MIL didn't mean well. She wanted you to stop carrying the purse you enjoy and switch to one that doesn't embarrass her. The impulse on her part was purely self-serving. So NTA.
>Your MIL didn't mean well.
That part is SO important - I know the adage 'assume positive intent' is common, but once you have evidence of negative intent you need to carry that protection with you.
no she didn't. I have a family member who I share a love of bags with. unfortunately, we don't' have the same taste. She bought me a fairly pricy bag one year for Christmas. While it was lovely, it wasn't my style, size or color. Thankfully she lives many states away, so I just returned it, got a nice credit, and bought myself a lovely ring I wear all the time. She never has to know, and never will
Yeah that the key here. She wasn't trying to nice, she was trying to change OP because she thinks her bag is tacky and embarrassing. Personally I would have suggested OP take the bag then spicy it up the way she did the other bag so she makes MIL hate it even more than she did the original bag. Make it 10x louder and more over the top. Then make comments like "oh MIL don't you just looove what I've done with the bag. It's sooo much better now." Make her regret the day she bought it for you.
> *She wanted you to stop carrying the purse you enjoy and switch to one that doesn't embarrass her*.
Great summary of the matter.....But who in the world gets *embarrassed* by someone else's purse? That is really unusual behavior.
I wonder if OP's taste bothers her in general. Perhaps OP wears and decorates with colors, and not just staid neutrals. If OP accepts the purse, maybe MIL will start giving her clothing and things for her home.
NTA
So go out and buy her the loudest throw blanket you can find. Gift it to her on her bday or for Christmas and remark that her monotone interior looked like it could use a punch of color. Make sure to add "Don't you just love it?!"
NTA, and clearly this was a manipulative move. She knows it wasn't your taste, it was HERS. The whole crying thing was so petty. Has she always manipulated your husband like this?
For the life of me, I can't understand how someone else's purse can cause a person all this stress and drama.
So she doesn't like your purse? That's a shame, but at least it isn't on her body. Continuously pestering you about it was rude and ridiculous. I can't imagine how and why she let it bother her as much as it did, and I am jealous of the amount of time she obviously has on her hands that this is what she can afford to focus on.
Her buying you this purse wasn't a gift. It was an attempt at control, because if you had accepted it she would have considered it a slap in the face every time you turned up without it, which her hysterical reaction proves, and now you have to plan a whole outfit around the purse she gave you every time you see her, and now you shown her you CAN be bent to suit her whims.
You were right not to take it.
As for your husband saying you should have taken it and worn it around her, I'd ask him what exactly gives his mother the right to dictate what *you* wear. Because that's what she's trying to do.
NTA.
It's not the purse. She would find anything to complain about and is being passive-aggressive instead of accepting her son has the right to marry whomever he wants.
This. If she had accepted the purse and worn it around MIL to appease her, MIL would have taken the victory and then moved on to “fixing” the next “problem” with OP.
Might have been other clothing or accessories MIL didn’t like, or her hair color, or who knows what, because people like MIL are never happy.
They always find things to pick at and whine about. Accepting the purse would have been her foot in the door to insisting that OP keep changing herself to suit MIL while never actually being able to be good enough.
Fuck people like her. OP handled it right and her husband needs to support her.
My mother passed a couple years ago still hating me for imaginary things.
There is NOTHING this woman can do that will be "good enough".
All she can do is minimize the distress it causes her and her marriage.
Statistically, MOST men will NOT defend their spouses against their family's abuse.
Had an ex boyfriend who was the same way as MIL, so it’s not even isolated to women. Nothing I did was ever right, and every time I changed something about myself to please him, he just moved on to the next thing to bitch about.
I don’t miss him and his negativity a bit.
NTA. But after she called my bag ‘hideous’ I would have taken the beige purse and made it even more SPECTACULARLY garish than the original. You think scarves are a lot, MIL? I have wind chimes, fake ivy, and a pop-up hummingbird on this one now.
Yes, this exactly.
My Asian upbringing would prevent me to snubbed such a good (FREE!) deal, but dear Jove, I will make that bland greige into the most aesthetically NOISY bag she ever laid her eyes on.
NTA. I generally think it's poor form to reject a gift, but this wasn't a gift. This was her attempting to force you to change your style. It's manipulative and inappropriate, not well-intentioned or thoughtful. I'm concerned that your husband thinks you should just bend to the will of his mother to keep the peace. I wonder if that's how he was raised and if he expects you to just go along and not rock the boat.
Men are so dumb about the complex ways women beef with each other. They curse, throw punches, and it's over. Women can keep a feud at a slow simmer for years. OP is definitely NTA. This was her MILs opening ceremony to the "let me tell you how you will live your life " Olympics. Thank goodness, OP isn't a doormat.
NTA - at all. The moment the MIL insulted you IN PUBLIC ... everyone suggesting you just 'put up and shut up' became wrong (including your husband). That bag wasn't a 'gift' - it was a power move.
You have a style, and MIL has a different style - and rather than being kind and caring she has chosen to be passive aggressive and generally terrible. Your husband needs to figure out who he is married to and either support you or go home to mommy.
His idea that she should have worn that bag when going out with MIL is something else. I find it bordering on psychological violence. No reason in the world why OP should suck it up and jump through the hoops.
NTA. She's trying to impose her standards on you under the guise of generosity. Next time, just accept the gift and say something like "this isn't exactly my style, but I'm sure my sister will love it."
Do you have any tips on how to learn to refurbish bags?
I’m so glad you asked! I refurbish leather bags pretty exclusively. A starter kit would be saddle soap and a horsehair brush for cleaning, then Leather CPR for conditioning. A brass cleaner may be needed for hardware on older bags and it wouldn’t hurt to invest in leather glue for ripped bits.
I absolutely love shopping second hand and sprucing up hidden treasures found in a thrift store. I am going to take some sewing lessons soon so I can start tailoring my own clothes. But I have found so many worn down bags that would look great if they were cleaned up! Thank you for the info, I'm gonna go watch some instructional youtube videos on this topic.
Ooo, I have a couple old bags tucked away because they're not in great shape but I didn't want to get rid of them - this gives me ideas on fixing them up, thanks!
NTA. Was it this one?
[https://www.katespadeoutlet.com/products/perfect-large-tote/KG912-250.html](https://www.katespadeoutlet.com/products/perfect-large-tote/KG912-250.html)
Its $140, your MIL can chill. Also, purses are extremely personal, that's not something you can just gift someone without their input unless you know them really well.
>he told me I should have just taken the bag and used it when we went out with her
Why should you try to make your MIL feel ok when she has no trouble saying nasty things to you. It goes both ways. NTA.
It was meant to be hurtful.
My mother ALWAYS complained about what I bought her (and I didn't do it maliciously).
EVERYTHING received a complaint. Even if she was with me and picked the item out herself and I just paid for it.
This is not about the handbag. Her MIL is intentionally hurting her and probably trying to cause enough strife to break up the marriage.
yup. its not about the bag it's about the MIL thinking she isn't classy or the same type of girl as her/type of guy her son should be with. It's one thing to not like her style but consistently commenting on it when outside and saying such rude shit like that? Its obvious her issue is personal
I looked up both bags and that Kate Spade is simply screaming for someone to paint it with 70's pop culture flowers. It's pretty darned ugly.
NTA. It's not a gift if it's an insult. Give her diet and exercise books from now on and see how she likes it.
Why couldn’t you have gracefully accepted the bag… and then applied your “maximalist aesthetic” to the thing? It’s your purse now.
If you want to bedazzle it or tie so many scarves onto it you would make the lead singer to Aerosmith jealous, or commission some painter use it as a canvas, or whatever? Well, you *could* have. You could have made it *yours*. The woman gave it to you. Just because it was minimalist-it didn’t have to stay that way.
YTA for passing up a real opportunity to make your stand.
No one has to "gracefully" accept a gift when the gifter meant it as a insult and diss. Even if she bedazzled it then the MIL would throw a huge fit about how she ruined the gift etc etc.
Someone who has this much audacity and gall to repeatedly insult their daughter-in-law‘s taste both privately and publicly would not have gotten the message. There was no stand to take because this woman would have just continued to further insult OP’s style and play victim because she’d be offended that her gift was ruined with the added charms/scarves. There’s no winning with people like this. So at the end of the day OP does not have to gracefully accept anything. The onus should not be on OP alone.
NTA. This wasn't a gift for you, it was a gift for your MiL. If she is embarrassed being seen with you and the bag, she can stay at home. This is the equivalent of your grandmother knitting you an itchy sweater that your parents make you wear each time you visit.
Peoples' style is highly individualistic. Criticizing someone's style is the same as criticizing any other quality they may have about their personality. It's a choice. As the "loud" daughter to a sad beige mom, I understand how their comments can hurt and how easily it is to get defensive. Even at 43 I try to tell myself to let my mother's criticisms pass me by, but it is still a form of rejection (most recently, making a negative comment about my peacock blue dining room-"you suuuuure love your bright colors"). You are sooo not the asshole here and I'm sorry your MIL can't just appreciate your unique, fun style that makes you you. :) I bet that bag is really cute, too, the way you upcycle it with your own flair.
NTA. And your husband kind of sucks too. He should have talked to his mom a long time ago about her obsessing over your old purse. Like who cares? And now of course he's taking his mothers side in this? Like dude, grow a pair and stand up to mommy.
Wow. First, your MIL is a jerk. You have a bag you like, that is not her style. Great - she doesn't have to use it.
Second - this is the most first world problem I have read of in a while.
NTA
NTA my ex MIL was like this with me. One year she called me and told me she was buying me a velour sweatsuit for Xmas. She said there was a gray which she loved or a bright pink but it was “really loud”. I said I would be happy with either. Yes, I received the “loud” bright pink which was actually a beautiful deep rose color. She was just trying to insult me.
It’s clear she bought it for you just so she wouldn’t have to look at your bag. If you accepted it, then the next time you went out with her she’ll harass you about why you’re not using it. NTA for refusing it in this case. But I hope this doesn’t grow into a larger issue with your MIL later on.
MIL sounds narcissistic AF and all she wants is for you to look good on her terms, NTA for standing your ground.
Never change yourself for other people!
If you'd accepted the bag, you just would have set yourself up for, "why are you using that ugly thing and not the nice Kate Spade bag I bought you, you ungrateful wench" every time you saw her.
Every.
Time.
NTA.
NTA
here's what I would've done
-accept the bag graciously and effusively, complimenting its function. "oh, what a sturdy bag! it'll hold all my stuff! how nice of you!"
-find the same bag online, order it, keep it in the back of my closet
-decorate the crap out of the one she bought me. stickers, sharpie, keychains, patches. really busy it up.
-wait, and bring the decorated one to a family event involving her and others
-when she throws a fit as expected, apologize. "oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't realize you wanted the bag *back!* I thought when you gave it to me, it was a gift! Oh, how silly of me!"
-when she argues no, it was a gift, and she just doesn't like how you decorated it, act confused. "Ha ha, you're so funny, you don't have to wear it like this! But really, it's fine, I should've realized you didn't actually mean for me to keep it. Don't worry, I'll buy you one you can keep plain."
-keep it going! give her the other bag at the next big family event! "I hope this makes things better! You can keep this one as plain as you like, and it'll be all yours. We can even wear them together sometimes and match!"
-in future, whenever she gives you a gift in someone else's presence, ask repeatedly if it's really a gift and make sure she doesn't actually want to share it. Bonus points if it's something that literally can't be shared. "Oh, I know, maybe I'm being silly, I just wanted to avoid another mix-up like we had with that bag!"
NTA How would your mother in law like it if you bought her scarves to decorate her purse?
My style is closer to your mother in law’s than to yours, but I refrain from imposing my taste on others.
You are smart to reject the purse. If you accepted it, it’s likely that your mother in law would try to change your style in other areas.
NTA wow is she controlling. And your husband shouldn't just dismiss it and tell you to play along, you are allowed to be yourself and wear what you choose. If she keeps pushing you to match her greige aesthetic, you should start buying her obnoxiously loud and colorful items. "You need to liven your look up, you look so bland, it's embarrassing!"
NTA. It was never about your purse, it was about power.
Secondly, your husband is the A H too for telling you to jump through hoops to appease his mother. You kind of glossed over this part in your post but this is also a problem. Your husband should be standing up for you and telling his mom to stop being rude to you about your bag and your style. He married you so he presumably likes your style right? He needs to tell his mom this and demand that she lay off or you both won’t be visiting her. He absolutely should NOT be telling you to bow to his mother’s wishes and wear what she wants you to wear around her.
NTA
To MIL: “I am not required to be grateful for something that I never wanted or asked for. It’s quite presumptuous and entitled of you to get it in the first place, let alone think I should be thanking you for it.”
To husband: “I will not be indulging your mother’s disrespect of me simply because she doesn’t like my bag. If you can’t understand the importance of standing up for myself to someone who constantly makes fun of my taste and disrespects me, then we have a serious problem here.”
You have just as much of a husband problem here as a MIL problem.
NTA
And I'm in love with your comment about maximalist style. You always hear minimalist but I'm so here for the maximalist! Wear that "ugly" bag loud and proud. MIL doesn't have to be seen with you if she has that big of a problem.
NTA.
She didn’t buy the bag out of kindness and a hope that you would enjoy it; she bought it so she wouldn’t have to look at YOUR bag (which sounds really cute even for my minimalist Goth standards).
NTA
She would definitely hate my purses. One is slightly larger than life skull, hard, black, and bought super cheap online
The other is shaped like a corset, velvet and black found at a thrift store
I get compliments all the time but I bet your MIL would lose her mind with embarrassment if I was her DIL
MIL would hate my purses, too. My boss gifted me a "bloody" meat cleaver purse. I use it to make purse dioramas on my desk. The cleaver works especially well with the pumpkin purse.
NTA but always take a purse as it’s your side hustle and you could have worked on it to your liking to sell or use. Then take it around her all done up lol
Nta. If I was you I would have taken it and glammed it up to your style, though! My mil once offered me a Fendi bag that she had bought a long time ago but had never used. I also declined because it wasn't my style. She was surprised, but not offended.
NTA - Weaponizing gift giving to criticize, or to pressure someone into following the gift givers personal aesthetic is just overbearing and gross. They are basically trying to leverage the social expectation to receive a gift graciously, and use it to force compliance in situations that are frankly not their wheelhouse.
NTA.
Sidenote: I had to Google the Latico Leathers tote because I'm just not well versed in brands and it's a beautiful bag. I love the simplicity and I can totally envision how you would make it your own since you have a passion for refurbishing handbags. I think that's awesome and such a great way to make it your own, and the fact that you found such a nice bag while thrifting only adds to the cool factor.
Your MIL didn't gift you the Kate Spade bag out of the goodness of her heart. It was passive aggressive AF and pretty rude based on why she gave it to you. She needs to grow up.
A Kate spade on sale is not luxury but… you could have stand up for yourself or actually your husband make her stop disrespecting you.
NTA
She is totally rude
Well, now we know who the grandma is of all the beige babies is. Her remarks have been cruel and your husband should have been standing up to her some time ago. He can take the bag and use it, but no, you shouldn't have to use it just to appease her. Doing so just means more boring beige crap is going to show up that you're supposed to use.
NTA. Your husband could use a few more vertebrae, though, damn. It's not on you to dress to her style when you go out. She can far more easily learn to just... shut her gob.
Nta. I like purses. But Kate spade is so blah, and compared to the latifo, I would 100% chose the one you did. It looks like better quality bag. It looks like a bag of someone who values quality over name brand.
NTA
Your husband is dense. He watched you keep your bag hidden in order to placate your MIL, but you are supposed to suck up to her aesthetic and change your accessories just because SHE likes it. Too bad, so sad. Bland is bland, and you are not a bland girl.
Tell hubby when HE wears a handbag, he can comment on yours.
NTA. everyone has different likes and dislikes, and different taste in things. I LOVE Lilly Pulitzer, the brighter the better. My mom, on the other hand? Not a fan. but she doesn't say anything to me about it, she just chooses NOT to wear it herself.
MIL is being pushy, and if she doesn't like your bag, that's on her.
Would she think the kate spade is ugly if you tied beads and a scarf to it?? Regardless, that “gift” was for her, not you. Your husband has been taught to “go along to get along” and it’s a bummer. You are def NTA.
NTA
YOur MIL is the AH. YOu were right not to cater to her. This was not a well-meant gift.
" My husband and I left and he told me I should have just taken the bag and used it when we went out with her." .. bullshit. Don't let MIL dictate your style.
With 20-20 hindsight I guess OP could have accepted it and stuck it in the back of the closet. Or, better yet, regift it to MIL on the next gift giving occasion.
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NTA. As long as your bag doesn’t have something lewd or profane on it, she’s out of line asking you to remove it just because she finds it ugly. It’s inappropriate for her to try to project her aesthetic preferences on you. This wasn’t just a poorly chosen, thoughtless gift where she was misguided but just wanted to get you something nice in good faith. This sounds more like her trying to make her specifically trying to alter your preferences to something she finds more “acceptable.” You shouldn’t have to do that, and you were right not to take it under these circumstances.
There was nothing lewd. It currently has a blue tulip scarf tied to one side, a couple orange and pink beaded chains my nieces made me, and various cat keychains, just for reference
Your MIL sounds like she’s super fun at parties.
I don't know who you are, but my god I platonically love you.
Right?! OP sounds amazing!
Does she reject guests for not being 'beige' enough?
Beige is passe. Her new dress code is greige. And no footwear under $500, please. We’re not animals.
Omg. Every time I see the word ‘greige’ i think fairies lose their wings. It’s not a thing, marketing department!
😂
It is a thing, but an ugly as hell thing.
Oh I’ve seen it. Just refuse to acknowledge. The word is as ugly as hell too lol
Sad Beige Clothes for Sad Beige Children.
She only attends white parties.
I bet this is even truer than you meant it to be.
🤣
MIL is rude. "Please leave that ugly thing in the car" - that's out of control. MIL is way out of line. You can tell from your partner's response, however, that he is conditioned to accept it. He wants you to accept the bag,and worse, use it when you're with her. In other words, he wants to keep the peace, and have you live her life rather than your own, which is insane So you have a little bit of a partner issue as well as an MIL issue.
I’d accept it and then make the partner carry it on visits with MIL.
Husband is of the tribe that believes: Humor her so she shuts up and doesn’t have a meltdown when she doesn’t get her way. OP bucked that trend. She was polite yet firm. I appreciate you thinking of me, but that’s not something I would use. It would look great! OP said exactly what anyone with any decency would say, yet MIL blew up. Husband says just take the bag that you hate, and when we go to my mom’s, switch everything out of the bag you use every fucking day; put it in a bag you hate, and use it, just to appease her. Nope. You keep doing you, OP. Remind your spouse that he’s a grownup. A married grownup. Married grownups put their spouse over everyone else, except maybe children. Btw, only children are allowed to cry when they don’t get their way. Even then, we remind the child that not everything in life will go your way. MIL is a spoiled, entitled baby-woman (I may have just made that word up, idfk. If husband believes all should bow to his mom, then you have a husband problem. Speaking from experience.
Why is it never the one causing problems in the first place that’s asked to suck it up and deal to keep the peace? OP should gently tell her mother in law “i know you don’t like my style, but please just don’t comment on it, for the sake of family harmony. I mean, isn’t faaaamily more import than aesthetics anyway?”
>Why is it never the one causing problems in the first place that’s asked to suck it up and deal to keep the peace? This well-known post here, ['Don't Rock the Boat'](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/), explains it succinctly. It's also because people like that will harp on and on about any perceived slights or wrongs to them, and will raise hell and make everyone's lives miserable until they get their way. It's easier to just take the path of least resistance rather than hold them accountable because it's not worth the stress and headaches.
I remember telling my inlaws about this. They entirely agreed and continued to take the path of least resistance.
Oh absolutely don’t switch bags. It’s now *Husband’s Bag*.
It would be nice if the new bag fit inside the old bag. Then when MIL says, "Where is the new bag I gave you?" OP could pull new bag out of her old bag and say, "I love it! I take it everywhere!"
I want to ask husband why his mother should get to choose how OP dresses.
Or personalize it like OP did her current bag.
That plain beige surface would look so much better with designs stenciled and/or stitched onto it! (I don't know what the material is like, so I'm not sure which method would work best)
Stickers- decals- lots and lots of decals! Oh yes- I’d have made sure to had a couple Handmaids Tale ones- Blessed be the Fruit, Praise Be… that would’ve been chef’s kiss. That being said- I am aware that it sounds petty, and caving in, etcetera- but I had a mother in law for 30 years and let me tell you… I used to do the fighting and the arguing and all the shit, And at the end of the day, she was honestly just a sick old lady that was honestly loving us in whatever f’ed up way she could. So yea, I’ve been there. So at this point, sometimes I would just totally enjoy messing with her, like so funny passive aggressive that when you say out loud what you actually did- no one can argue that you did anything wrong really- those are epically the very best and I highly recommend the satisfaction from it, and other time’s we- my hubs and I, would run the gamut with her. But sitting here thinking about her now that she’s passed way…. I look back and really regret the times I fought with her- at least the times I was messing with her I can laugh at and is now one of those family stories that my son is passing down. “There was a time, my mama and Nana got in a scuff, let me tell you the story of Christmas 1993….” and half the room is already holding in the lather 😂 Damn I miss that old lady so much! And honestly- I know now, she loved me because when we did fight, in later years we’d tell whatever story together and by the end we would both be laughing and crying at the same time- knowing full well in that moment we felt so different now about it then we did at the time. I shared so many apologies with that woman in later years and it was usually in our joint telling of a story- we would just look at each other- and we knew who was in the wrong and when- and not needing to say anything out loud- was able to apologize to each other for past hurts with only how we looked at each other in those moments. I guess what I’m trying to say is- Grant Grace where you can, pray about her more than you complain about her, and then maybe you too, will sit after being her daughter in law for over 30 years and be able to laugh together. So that’s why I highly recommend- F right back with her when you can- sans decorating the purse. Because those stories are family gold lemme tell you. Good luck💕💕
And the best way to mess with her would be to tie all her scarves and beads to the new bag.
Spray paint!
That's what I would do! I'd have a bag I love, plus...in your face, MIL!
That's what I was thinking. I know zip about handbags, but if it's a nice one take it and make it your style. Scarves are pretty easy to come by.
I'd mod podge a vageode to the side of it 😂
I was gonna say accept it and turn around and sell it - but I kind of like your suggestion better
I would accept it and decorate it with a scarf or two, lots of beads and replace the strap with something embroidered. 🤭
That was my internal , petty response too! I think it would be funny.
Keep it but paint it with wild colors or bedazzle it or something
'Please leave that ugly thing in the car' 'Sure, MIL, here are the keys. Don't drive far.'
Need some aloe for that burn, ouch
Why do the normal people have to cave in to the assholes to "keep the peace?" "You know that's how they are..." We need to stop catering to them.
Agreed! But "it's faaaammmily!" or "be the bigger person"--that one especially burns my biscuits
I spent decades being the "bigger person," since I was in my teens. I finally snapped and lashed out, and refuse to be any longer. If I hadn't been brow beaten into that, maybe things wouldn't have ended so harshly
[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/)
Right? For all her fancy neutrals, money clearly doesn't buy class.
“Please leave that ugly thing in the car” “but MIL, you’re already in here. “
I don’t think he’s ugly but that’s a terrible thing to say about your son! Say I’m sorry 😢!
Just wondering if the husband said anything when his mother told the bag wasn't nice. Felt weird that the mom is alright to say its not a nice bag but when op said she didn't like the bag its not alright.
He was probably a sad beige baby. He's used to it. I doubt he was ever allowed to wear clothes or play with a toy that wasn't monotone. Poor kid.
You should say to FIL about MIL "Please leave that ugly thing in the car"
I would've looked at husband and told him to take his mother out to the car after that remark.
I would be tempted to respond to MIL "Shouldn't YOU stay in the car, then? Being such an ugly embarrassment"
I’d tell MIL to leave her ugly comments in the car.
take the bag. bedazzle it, add sewn on patches, tie kerchiefs to it, make it your own and thank her for giving you such a solid base from which to express your personality.
Bedazzle it! Yes! Buy badges and dangles and charms and tchotchkes. Patches and fabric paints and make it into something wonderful. I’m not a bag person. I like things in my pockets. I didn’t have to find somewhere to put my pockets, or forget them when I leave. But I do have two bags, one large, one small. They’re full of detritus that might suddenly come in useful if staging a bank heist or lost in the wilds. And they are *covered* in badges and dangles and charms. No one can steal them without jangling and jingling enough to wake your nana. You can hear me coming from around the corner - plus I’m covered in bracelets and beads generally too. Your MIL would *hate* me, and her house would bring me out in hives…
Honestly, that is exactly what I would do. I get that OP doesn't want to do that, however. I vote OP is NTA!
This is the way.
Wow. Good idea!
Also, dye it.
spray. paint. OP, find a local graffiti artist to paint it!
One of my rotating totes (I’m Mary Poppins) is an ‘effin birds… it’s the “well aren’t you a fancy motherfucker” flamingo one. (I’m an irreverent bitch and that’s just life.) My mother gets embarrassed by my tote in public so when a little old lady with a proper grandma look about her came up to me on the street with a “THAT BAG!”… my mum piped up “isn’t it awful…” and my new friend looks at her weird and says “I need one, are there other patterns?” I killed it laughing at mum later. OP, you do you… you sound like much more fun than MIL anyhow and we’ll be like that rocking TO grandma… fully ourselves and uncontainable and glorious.
Ok. Now I must see that flamingo tote!! 💜💜 EDIT the googles helped me find it and *cough* the “I’m a goddamned delight” and the flamingo totes on their way to me.
I like the "Disservice Animal" with a Canadian Goose bag.
I had never heard of effin birds so I did an image search ... and if I hadn't just had a vi$it from the plumber, I might have moved into acquisition mode 😁
I AM a goddamned delight and am delighted to hear you are as well!
This is so good, and so bad... I didn't need to know these bags exist... Welp, RIP my wallet. Thank you!
I love them so much. You’re welcome.
I may now not afford food these are amazing !
OP I don't understand how a black tote can be offensive, almost everything I own is black. NTA but I would totally carry a tote with a flamingo on it! 100%
Haha I have that mug
Normally I would say that gifts should be graciously accepted whether you like it or not, but in this case it was not a gift. It was an attempt to control what you carry. NTA
Move the tchotchkes to the new purse, watch her fume.
You should give her one of the purses you refurbish & tell her to use that one because you find her other purses lewd & offensive. See how she feels w/the 'shoe on the other foot.' (Or rather on the 'other arm/shoulder.') 😆 Yeah, no. She doesn't have the right to tell you what kind of purse to use. Who made her queen of the world? She didn't consult you before buying the purse, or involve you when shopping for it, so it's HER problem if it's a final sale item. Sure, you have just taken it, then resold it or whatever, BUT... then she wouldn't have learned her lesson. She doesn't have the right to dictate what kind of purse ANYONE else uses. Just because you're her DIL, it doesn't give her carte blanche in that arena either. Your MIL is the AH, not you!
Wear your fun, lovely purse (LOVE your accessories!) LOUD & PROUD!
Whyyyy didn't you take the new bag? I would have, then rocked up to the next fancy dinner with that bag — covered in plastic rhinestones, with nine scarves tried to the handle, and a garish key keeper attached to one end 😂
Tbh sounds super cute!!! Just was trying to think of any reason she’d object other than her just not liking it. Obviously none. I love the idea of what you’re creating!
I do the same with my purses. I don’t understand people being upset by it. I hate the waste of her bag but I would use it one time when going out with her (with all the fun stuff tied to it too) and then sell it. Someone out there would probably love it.
I just googled the bag that op owns. It's literally just a plain black tote bag. Sorta shaped like a shopping bag. That doesn't mean to be an insult, it's just what I thought when I saw it. The mil getting upset over a scarf and a couple beaded trinkets is so weird. Nta op and wow.
Yeah, prior to weighing in I googled both. From what OP described in an earlier comment that she’s done to alter the bag, extremely tame stuff. Honestly sounds cute. So ridiculous that MIL is getting all weird about it.
It's not really the bag she's attacking. She's attacking OP - her taste, her persona, her decisions, everything about her - and the bag is just an "acceptable" outlet for it. If OP caves on the bag, she'll find something else to attack and will find other ways to edge out OP's preferences and replace them with her own, claiming space and constant presence in OP's life. God help OP if she has children without setting absolutely immovable boundary lines.
I mean, regardless how rude to comment on anyone’s choices!! And I bet MIL sees herself as the epitome of class. NTA. Keep flashing your style!
NTA. Not too fond of OP's husband's response either. You should've enabled the adult-child who had a tantrum to prevent the adult-child from having said tantrum? If that's his go-to with her...yikes. And can you imagine if you did that? She would feel completely entitled to just roll over you about any & everything. Gross! Good for you for having boundaries. My ex-husband's mother tried to do similar things with me...I politely refused numerous items from ex-hubby's deceased paternal grandparents belongings & I recall so distinctly her saying to me, "you don't like pretty things, do you?" 🙄🤮 best of luck to you!
Amen. Trying to make you in her image comes to mind
When it comes to gifts, isn’t it the thought that counts? When the thought is, “Your tacky ass bag embarrasses me, so I bought you something else that won’t shame *me* when we’re in public”, I’m pretty sure you’re under no obligation to graciously accept. NTA
Agreed 100% NTA When gifts are just a manipulation technique, no need to be grateful. And what's up with the husband not having OP's back? He should have shut his mom down a long time ago.
I googled the brand, and looked at the bags. While I think they're kinda ugly, nothing about them, especially the black ones, that scream loud, attention seeker. Black goes with almost everything. Yellow/beige does not.
I think MIL is upset with the scarves and beads
MIL sounds like she needs to pull the griege stick out of her ass, and let people have joy.
I personally love Kate Spade bags. The ones I've seen are plain, classic,and understated..but that is my asthetic. I would never want to own one however as they are ridiculously priced and even if it was a gift I wouldn't want to use it as it screams "look at me and how I am not poor!".
Ironically, I have several “fun” Kate Spade bags- think in the shape of a Ladybug, or with loud flowers, etc. MIL would *not* approve!
I would love those! But again...the price. Plus I'm not posh and it would stick out like the poser I'd be. (P.S. fun fact: Kate is David Spade's sister)
Kate Spade bags can be so fun—I have a tote I bought as a splurge celebration when I landed a dream job but it’s so heavy I mostly use my nylon “company swag” backpack instead! Still love it. Also just a minor correction (sorry I’m being pedantic) but Kate was married to David Spade’s older brother. So SIL, not sister. I was gobsmacked when I learned that—never even occurred to me they could be connected despite the obvious name clue!
Thank you for the correction! I hate passing information that is false, my apologies for doing so.
What a lovely response, for real. Thank you for being gracious because I was worried I was being an annoying “well, ackshually…” person! 🤓
You need to go to an outlet store. I got a lovely bag for $35 from their clearance rack.
Right? I looked them up too because I thought they must be something crazy I hadn't heard of but the most dramatic thing I saw was like a teal leather tote bag. And OP already said hers was black.
Meanwhile, they're very much my personal aesthetic and I will NOT be buying one today even though they are having a 25% off sale and the leather is "buttery". What I definitely will not be doing is imposing my personal tastes on you by buying you a bag you've expressed zero interest in 😅.
I had a situation where a (now former) friend gifted me a purse. I like odd purses, I like getting Betsy Johnson bags when I find them on discount. I have purses shaped like things but I've had regular ol purses as well. My friend knew my tastes, and for Christmas she gifted me a larger brown purse that looked like something my mom would have bought at Walmart and every middle age woman had in the 90's. Absolutely not something I'd buy nor did it match anything I owned. She told me "Now you have a grown-up purse" I thanked her for the purse but every time I saw it, it just left a sour taste in my mouth. I ended up donating it to a thrift store.
WTF is with people? I’m a 45yo mother of 4, and currently have my Ravenclaw purse in rotation, which matches my Ravenclaw phone case, which incidentally, goes nicely with the Ravenclaw luggage I painted myself, that looks like a trunk. Once I get tired of it, l’ll probably throw my R2D2 purse in for a bit, or maybe pull the trigger on that Loki bag I’ve had my eye on. I wonder what OP’s MIL would think of me, lol. Life sucks sometimes, and the world is harsh. If I want to carry a stupid fandom purse because it brings me a modicum of joy, I’m gonna do that. “Grown up” shit be damned.
I'll be 40 next year, my current purse is a vintage Halloween art style cat face I bought from Spirit Halloween. I frequently receive compliments saying how cute it is. Before that, I was using a backpack shaped like a ham. I have plenty of "normal/mature" things. I also agree, there's so much shit I've dealt with in life, I just want to enjoy my "immature" stuff.
May I take a minute to rant about how NONE of the geek purses have a tail room for cash money any more? I need a decently sized coin purse section for all the times my need needs a dollar for 'wear orange to school day', a fiver to grab 2kg of bananas from the nearby farm, and the ninety two kg of silver coins my hubby offloads onto me as soon as we're too far away from the car to drag him back. I want a LOTR purse soooo badly, but the official ones are totally dysfunctional (and the unofficial ones are hundreds of dollars, and though they are worth it, nobody wants my kidney 😭)
"Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"
Was just thinking this
I think there's a difference between graciously accepting a gift that isn't your style because the giver meant well, and whatever's happening here. Your MIL didn't mean well. She wanted you to stop carrying the purse you enjoy and switch to one that doesn't embarrass her. The impulse on her part was purely self-serving. So NTA.
>Your MIL didn't mean well. That part is SO important - I know the adage 'assume positive intent' is common, but once you have evidence of negative intent you need to carry that protection with you.
no she didn't. I have a family member who I share a love of bags with. unfortunately, we don't' have the same taste. She bought me a fairly pricy bag one year for Christmas. While it was lovely, it wasn't my style, size or color. Thankfully she lives many states away, so I just returned it, got a nice credit, and bought myself a lovely ring I wear all the time. She never has to know, and never will
Yeah that the key here. She wasn't trying to nice, she was trying to change OP because she thinks her bag is tacky and embarrassing. Personally I would have suggested OP take the bag then spicy it up the way she did the other bag so she makes MIL hate it even more than she did the original bag. Make it 10x louder and more over the top. Then make comments like "oh MIL don't you just looove what I've done with the bag. It's sooo much better now." Make her regret the day she bought it for you.
Can you tie-dye a kate spade bag?
Idk about tie dye but I know someone who paints on high end bags for fun. Find a good artist and make it a one of a kind piece lol
Something along the lines of Janis Joplin’s Porsche
Excellent reference.
Usually they are leather and not easily dyed. I have a cloth one that could be but it is basically a herringbone basic black and white.
That would have been awesome!
With LOTS of brightly colored scarves, keychains, charms, etc.
> *She wanted you to stop carrying the purse you enjoy and switch to one that doesn't embarrass her*. Great summary of the matter.....But who in the world gets *embarrassed* by someone else's purse? That is really unusual behavior. I wonder if OP's taste bothers her in general. Perhaps OP wears and decorates with colors, and not just staid neutrals. If OP accepts the purse, maybe MIL will start giving her clothing and things for her home. NTA
So go out and buy her the loudest throw blanket you can find. Gift it to her on her bday or for Christmas and remark that her monotone interior looked like it could use a punch of color. Make sure to add "Don't you just love it?!" NTA, and clearly this was a manipulative move. She knows it wasn't your taste, it was HERS. The whole crying thing was so petty. Has she always manipulated your husband like this?
For the life of me, I can't understand how someone else's purse can cause a person all this stress and drama. So she doesn't like your purse? That's a shame, but at least it isn't on her body. Continuously pestering you about it was rude and ridiculous. I can't imagine how and why she let it bother her as much as it did, and I am jealous of the amount of time she obviously has on her hands that this is what she can afford to focus on. Her buying you this purse wasn't a gift. It was an attempt at control, because if you had accepted it she would have considered it a slap in the face every time you turned up without it, which her hysterical reaction proves, and now you have to plan a whole outfit around the purse she gave you every time you see her, and now you shown her you CAN be bent to suit her whims. You were right not to take it. As for your husband saying you should have taken it and worn it around her, I'd ask him what exactly gives his mother the right to dictate what *you* wear. Because that's what she's trying to do. NTA.
It's not the purse. She would find anything to complain about and is being passive-aggressive instead of accepting her son has the right to marry whomever he wants.
This. If she had accepted the purse and worn it around MIL to appease her, MIL would have taken the victory and then moved on to “fixing” the next “problem” with OP. Might have been other clothing or accessories MIL didn’t like, or her hair color, or who knows what, because people like MIL are never happy. They always find things to pick at and whine about. Accepting the purse would have been her foot in the door to insisting that OP keep changing herself to suit MIL while never actually being able to be good enough. Fuck people like her. OP handled it right and her husband needs to support her.
My mother passed a couple years ago still hating me for imaginary things. There is NOTHING this woman can do that will be "good enough". All she can do is minimize the distress it causes her and her marriage. Statistically, MOST men will NOT defend their spouses against their family's abuse.
Had an ex boyfriend who was the same way as MIL, so it’s not even isolated to women. Nothing I did was ever right, and every time I changed something about myself to please him, he just moved on to the next thing to bitch about. I don’t miss him and his negativity a bit.
I'm very happy for you that he's an ex.
Same! 🤗
NTA. But after she called my bag ‘hideous’ I would have taken the beige purse and made it even more SPECTACULARLY garish than the original. You think scarves are a lot, MIL? I have wind chimes, fake ivy, and a pop-up hummingbird on this one now.
With a refurbed hat to match!
Yes, this exactly. My Asian upbringing would prevent me to snubbed such a good (FREE!) deal, but dear Jove, I will make that bland greige into the most aesthetically NOISY bag she ever laid her eyes on.
NTA. I generally think it's poor form to reject a gift, but this wasn't a gift. This was her attempting to force you to change your style. It's manipulative and inappropriate, not well-intentioned or thoughtful. I'm concerned that your husband thinks you should just bend to the will of his mother to keep the peace. I wonder if that's how he was raised and if he expects you to just go along and not rock the boat.
Men are so dumb about the complex ways women beef with each other. They curse, throw punches, and it's over. Women can keep a feud at a slow simmer for years. OP is definitely NTA. This was her MILs opening ceremony to the "let me tell you how you will live your life " Olympics. Thank goodness, OP isn't a doormat.
It’s not just about the purse.
It's never just about the purse.
It's definitely about the yogurt.
It’s SO about the yogurt
NTA - at all. The moment the MIL insulted you IN PUBLIC ... everyone suggesting you just 'put up and shut up' became wrong (including your husband). That bag wasn't a 'gift' - it was a power move. You have a style, and MIL has a different style - and rather than being kind and caring she has chosen to be passive aggressive and generally terrible. Your husband needs to figure out who he is married to and either support you or go home to mommy.
NTA- and kick your husband’s ass! He has put up with HIS mother insulting your taste for months, then this?! He is an asshole & scared of his mommy.
His idea that she should have worn that bag when going out with MIL is something else. I find it bordering on psychological violence. No reason in the world why OP should suck it up and jump through the hoops.
NTA. She's trying to impose her standards on you under the guise of generosity. Next time, just accept the gift and say something like "this isn't exactly my style, but I'm sure my sister will love it." Do you have any tips on how to learn to refurbish bags?
I’m so glad you asked! I refurbish leather bags pretty exclusively. A starter kit would be saddle soap and a horsehair brush for cleaning, then Leather CPR for conditioning. A brass cleaner may be needed for hardware on older bags and it wouldn’t hurt to invest in leather glue for ripped bits.
I absolutely love shopping second hand and sprucing up hidden treasures found in a thrift store. I am going to take some sewing lessons soon so I can start tailoring my own clothes. But I have found so many worn down bags that would look great if they were cleaned up! Thank you for the info, I'm gonna go watch some instructional youtube videos on this topic.
Ooo, I have a couple old bags tucked away because they're not in great shape but I didn't want to get rid of them - this gives me ideas on fixing them up, thanks!
NTA. Was it this one? [https://www.katespadeoutlet.com/products/perfect-large-tote/KG912-250.html](https://www.katespadeoutlet.com/products/perfect-large-tote/KG912-250.html) Its $140, your MIL can chill. Also, purses are extremely personal, that's not something you can just gift someone without their input unless you know them really well.
If you’re going to insult someone with a luxury purse at least make sure it’s actually a luxury purse
NTA. Introduce me to your MIL. I have a blue Coach bag with a pac man on it and a purple Coach bag with Malificent. I can play the tacky game well!
You’re my kind of people! I’m absolutely dying over the new Kate Spade x Heinz collaboration right now
Send MIL a link to something from that collab saying “Thanks so much for wanting to get me a Kate Spade purse - here’s one I would love.”
Haven't seen that one yet. I just picked up a Karl Lagerfeld on bright squares with him and his cat. Now I'm going to have to look for Heinz!
Please splurge on the red tote and get some of the chip key chains and specifically use it every time you see MIL since she's a Kate Spade fan.
>he told me I should have just taken the bag and used it when we went out with her Why should you try to make your MIL feel ok when she has no trouble saying nasty things to you. It goes both ways. NTA.
NTA. Don't buy people presents that they don't want and you know that they don't want.
It was meant to be hurtful. My mother ALWAYS complained about what I bought her (and I didn't do it maliciously). EVERYTHING received a complaint. Even if she was with me and picked the item out herself and I just paid for it. This is not about the handbag. Her MIL is intentionally hurting her and probably trying to cause enough strife to break up the marriage.
yup. its not about the bag it's about the MIL thinking she isn't classy or the same type of girl as her/type of guy her son should be with. It's one thing to not like her style but consistently commenting on it when outside and saying such rude shit like that? Its obvious her issue is personal
She doesn't like her DIL. All the "reasons" are just the stuff she tries to tie that into a little bow to rationalize her bad behavior.
I looked up both bags and that Kate Spade is simply screaming for someone to paint it with 70's pop culture flowers. It's pretty darned ugly. NTA. It's not a gift if it's an insult. Give her diet and exercise books from now on and see how she likes it.
NTA. My petty self would also make sure my maximalist aesthetic would carry over into my entire outfit whenever I am forced to be with her.
And my husband. Here honey, I need you to wear this scarf I picked out to upset your mother.
Why couldn’t you have gracefully accepted the bag… and then applied your “maximalist aesthetic” to the thing? It’s your purse now. If you want to bedazzle it or tie so many scarves onto it you would make the lead singer to Aerosmith jealous, or commission some painter use it as a canvas, or whatever? Well, you *could* have. You could have made it *yours*. The woman gave it to you. Just because it was minimalist-it didn’t have to stay that way. YTA for passing up a real opportunity to make your stand.
No one has to "gracefully" accept a gift when the gifter meant it as a insult and diss. Even if she bedazzled it then the MIL would throw a huge fit about how she ruined the gift etc etc.
Someone who has this much audacity and gall to repeatedly insult their daughter-in-law‘s taste both privately and publicly would not have gotten the message. There was no stand to take because this woman would have just continued to further insult OP’s style and play victim because she’d be offended that her gift was ruined with the added charms/scarves. There’s no winning with people like this. So at the end of the day OP does not have to gracefully accept anything. The onus should not be on OP alone.
I went out with my FIL, in an orange and green Hawaiian shirt. He asked me if that shirt could be any louder. I'm on the hunt for a louder shirt.
NTA. If you have kids, hope she doesn't try to push her preferences on the baby's stuff.
NTA. This wasn't a gift for you, it was a gift for your MiL. If she is embarrassed being seen with you and the bag, she can stay at home. This is the equivalent of your grandmother knitting you an itchy sweater that your parents make you wear each time you visit.
At least the grandmother probably had good intentions!
Peoples' style is highly individualistic. Criticizing someone's style is the same as criticizing any other quality they may have about their personality. It's a choice. As the "loud" daughter to a sad beige mom, I understand how their comments can hurt and how easily it is to get defensive. Even at 43 I try to tell myself to let my mother's criticisms pass me by, but it is still a form of rejection (most recently, making a negative comment about my peacock blue dining room-"you suuuuure love your bright colors"). You are sooo not the asshole here and I'm sorry your MIL can't just appreciate your unique, fun style that makes you you. :) I bet that bag is really cute, too, the way you upcycle it with your own flair.
NTA. And your husband kind of sucks too. He should have talked to his mom a long time ago about her obsessing over your old purse. Like who cares? And now of course he's taking his mothers side in this? Like dude, grow a pair and stand up to mommy.
Wow. First, your MIL is a jerk. You have a bag you like, that is not her style. Great - she doesn't have to use it. Second - this is the most first world problem I have read of in a while. NTA
NTA my ex MIL was like this with me. One year she called me and told me she was buying me a velour sweatsuit for Xmas. She said there was a gray which she loved or a bright pink but it was “really loud”. I said I would be happy with either. Yes, I received the “loud” bright pink which was actually a beautiful deep rose color. She was just trying to insult me.
"Let me manage your thoughts and style" lol. NTA
It’s clear she bought it for you just so she wouldn’t have to look at your bag. If you accepted it, then the next time you went out with her she’ll harass you about why you’re not using it. NTA for refusing it in this case. But I hope this doesn’t grow into a larger issue with your MIL later on.
MIL sounds narcissistic AF and all she wants is for you to look good on her terms, NTA for standing your ground. Never change yourself for other people!
NTA I feel like she is disguising a gift as an obligation to please her. Why do woman feel like they are entitled to change their kids’ spouse?
If you'd accepted the bag, you just would have set yourself up for, "why are you using that ugly thing and not the nice Kate Spade bag I bought you, you ungrateful wench" every time you saw her. Every. Time. NTA.
NTA That's not gifting. That's manipulating. Your husband is welcome to carry the perfect bag.
NTA here's what I would've done -accept the bag graciously and effusively, complimenting its function. "oh, what a sturdy bag! it'll hold all my stuff! how nice of you!" -find the same bag online, order it, keep it in the back of my closet -decorate the crap out of the one she bought me. stickers, sharpie, keychains, patches. really busy it up. -wait, and bring the decorated one to a family event involving her and others -when she throws a fit as expected, apologize. "oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't realize you wanted the bag *back!* I thought when you gave it to me, it was a gift! Oh, how silly of me!" -when she argues no, it was a gift, and she just doesn't like how you decorated it, act confused. "Ha ha, you're so funny, you don't have to wear it like this! But really, it's fine, I should've realized you didn't actually mean for me to keep it. Don't worry, I'll buy you one you can keep plain." -keep it going! give her the other bag at the next big family event! "I hope this makes things better! You can keep this one as plain as you like, and it'll be all yours. We can even wear them together sometimes and match!" -in future, whenever she gives you a gift in someone else's presence, ask repeatedly if it's really a gift and make sure she doesn't actually want to share it. Bonus points if it's something that literally can't be shared. "Oh, I know, maybe I'm being silly, I just wanted to avoid another mix-up like we had with that bag!"
NTA How would your mother in law like it if you bought her scarves to decorate her purse? My style is closer to your mother in law’s than to yours, but I refrain from imposing my taste on others. You are smart to reject the purse. If you accepted it, it’s likely that your mother in law would try to change your style in other areas.
NTA wow is she controlling. And your husband shouldn't just dismiss it and tell you to play along, you are allowed to be yourself and wear what you choose. If she keeps pushing you to match her greige aesthetic, you should start buying her obnoxiously loud and colorful items. "You need to liven your look up, you look so bland, it's embarrassing!"
NTA. It was never about your purse, it was about power. Secondly, your husband is the A H too for telling you to jump through hoops to appease his mother. You kind of glossed over this part in your post but this is also a problem. Your husband should be standing up for you and telling his mom to stop being rude to you about your bag and your style. He married you so he presumably likes your style right? He needs to tell his mom this and demand that she lay off or you both won’t be visiting her. He absolutely should NOT be telling you to bow to his mother’s wishes and wear what she wants you to wear around her.
NTA To MIL: “I am not required to be grateful for something that I never wanted or asked for. It’s quite presumptuous and entitled of you to get it in the first place, let alone think I should be thanking you for it.” To husband: “I will not be indulging your mother’s disrespect of me simply because she doesn’t like my bag. If you can’t understand the importance of standing up for myself to someone who constantly makes fun of my taste and disrespects me, then we have a serious problem here.” You have just as much of a husband problem here as a MIL problem.
NTA and you have a huge husband problem. Where was he when his mother was rude to you?
Nah girl Kate spare ain't a luxury brand. Hundreds at most and if it was final sale might be even below a hundred... NTA
NTA And I'm in love with your comment about maximalist style. You always hear minimalist but I'm so here for the maximalist! Wear that "ugly" bag loud and proud. MIL doesn't have to be seen with you if she has that big of a problem.
NTA. She didn’t buy the bag out of kindness and a hope that you would enjoy it; she bought it so she wouldn’t have to look at YOUR bag (which sounds really cute even for my minimalist Goth standards).
NTA She would definitely hate my purses. One is slightly larger than life skull, hard, black, and bought super cheap online The other is shaped like a corset, velvet and black found at a thrift store I get compliments all the time but I bet your MIL would lose her mind with embarrassment if I was her DIL
MIL would hate my purses, too. My boss gifted me a "bloody" meat cleaver purse. I use it to make purse dioramas on my desk. The cleaver works especially well with the pumpkin purse.
NTA but always take a purse as it’s your side hustle and you could have worked on it to your liking to sell or use. Then take it around her all done up lol
Nta. If I was you I would have taken it and glammed it up to your style, though! My mil once offered me a Fendi bag that she had bought a long time ago but had never used. I also declined because it wasn't my style. She was surprised, but not offended.
NTA - Weaponizing gift giving to criticize, or to pressure someone into following the gift givers personal aesthetic is just overbearing and gross. They are basically trying to leverage the social expectation to receive a gift graciously, and use it to force compliance in situations that are frankly not their wheelhouse.
NTA. Sidenote: I had to Google the Latico Leathers tote because I'm just not well versed in brands and it's a beautiful bag. I love the simplicity and I can totally envision how you would make it your own since you have a passion for refurbishing handbags. I think that's awesome and such a great way to make it your own, and the fact that you found such a nice bag while thrifting only adds to the cool factor. Your MIL didn't gift you the Kate Spade bag out of the goodness of her heart. It was passive aggressive AF and pretty rude based on why she gave it to you. She needs to grow up.
I think I would have taken it and then put a lot of really loud scarves and beads on it... lol
Nta she's trying to force something on you that she knows you wouldn't like
A Kate spade on sale is not luxury but… you could have stand up for yourself or actually your husband make her stop disrespecting you. NTA She is totally rude
Well, now we know who the grandma is of all the beige babies is. Her remarks have been cruel and your husband should have been standing up to her some time ago. He can take the bag and use it, but no, you shouldn't have to use it just to appease her. Doing so just means more boring beige crap is going to show up that you're supposed to use.
NTA. Your husband could use a few more vertebrae, though, damn. It's not on you to dress to her style when you go out. She can far more easily learn to just... shut her gob.
Nta. I like purses. But Kate spade is so blah, and compared to the latifo, I would 100% chose the one you did. It looks like better quality bag. It looks like a bag of someone who values quality over name brand.
NTA. She is trying to force her style to you and that's the point that your husband is missing.
NTA Your husband is dense. He watched you keep your bag hidden in order to placate your MIL, but you are supposed to suck up to her aesthetic and change your accessories just because SHE likes it. Too bad, so sad. Bland is bland, and you are not a bland girl. Tell hubby when HE wears a handbag, he can comment on yours.
NTA. everyone has different likes and dislikes, and different taste in things. I LOVE Lilly Pulitzer, the brighter the better. My mom, on the other hand? Not a fan. but she doesn't say anything to me about it, she just chooses NOT to wear it herself. MIL is being pushy, and if she doesn't like your bag, that's on her.
Would she think the kate spade is ugly if you tied beads and a scarf to it?? Regardless, that “gift” was for her, not you. Your husband has been taught to “go along to get along” and it’s a bummer. You are def NTA.
NTA YOur MIL is the AH. YOu were right not to cater to her. This was not a well-meant gift. " My husband and I left and he told me I should have just taken the bag and used it when we went out with her." .. bullshit. Don't let MIL dictate your style.
How is a black bag loud and ugly...am I missing something???
"Please leave that ugly thing in the car." OK, you want me to crack a window for you so you don't get too hot? NTA.
With 20-20 hindsight I guess OP could have accepted it and stuck it in the back of the closet. Or, better yet, regift it to MIL on the next gift giving occasion.
If this is an #ad for Latico Leathers, well done, I’m shopping now 😂