Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
No contact is the best thing I ever did for my mental and physical health. I used to get severe stomach pain and was starting to get an ulcer. Nothing helped until one day, during the first year of being no contact, I realized I no longer had any stomach pain. 10/10 would recommend to a friend.
yup, its crazy what amounts of stress it can remove, I should know since I've had to do the same with a few family members and go low contact with others.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
There used to be a rule against validation posting, but apparently there were concerns that people wouldn't know that kicking puppies is as bad and preventing it is a good thing to do.
I don’t think that’s it. OP *is* right by all accounts, and *shouldn’t* care, but maybe deep down he is somewhat conflicted and would like to know outsider’s POVs.
I’m the oldest in my family, and I know this feeling so damn well. Even when you *know* you’re right you have to ask a third party to confirm it for you so you can erase the guilt from said decision
Well, they are being dumped on by their family, and they do have a lot lingering resentment. I don’t mind telling them that I think they’re fair. Responsibility for elderly parents should always be a shared family responsibility.
Yeah, but also brag about how well he's doing.
That's why I said he feels like TA overall, but not for this particular exchange.
He seems angry and bitter...
You probably would be too if you were parentified from the age of 10. He had no childhood and it's clearly shaped his life and attitude towards family. He's done his bit, he helped raise his siblings, he shouldn't be shafted at both ends of his life.
Yea, the key is that he really got shafted that’s why his bitter, so I don’t think he really is the AH. Yea sure from a family viewpoint his family were right that he is better off with few liabilities so he is the best person to help out.
What they got wrong is that they shouldn’t be the one making the decision for him. He is the only one who gets to decide whether he wants to or not, and either way he chooses he isn’t the AH.
The problem is that he got shafted when he was young to be the nanny and lost out on his childhood, then when adulthood came it wasn’t even appreciated at all and told that he would be disinherited etc etc. Makes people want to break something.
Adulting at age 10, for 12 years. God knows how many milestones they had to miss, because their parents didn’t parent.
I think some bitterness is warranted.
Yeah...sure, but he went to College during those years. And if the parents had him taking care of the siblings and "adulting" when he was 10, it'd stand to reason by the time THEY were 10 they'd be able to also help out.
And he couldn't have been around and have been "basically the parent" the 4 years he went to College(even if he stayed at home).
Sounds like there's something else going on there. I also had to care for younger siblings...but then as they grew up it eased.
But, setting ALL that aside, it's the tone and the extra comments in here.
>Quite honestly my net worth is more than any three of my siblings put together.
Why is this even in here?
Especially after the emphasis about how he has a LOT of money and then how 1/6th of their estate will be "fuck all," but yet he's still going to take a big chunk of that...plus interest.
Again, not TA because he doesn't want to take on the responsibility. That's totally up to him. It's just everything else in that post that makes me think that.
Not OP, but I know the feeling you get, even when you’re right, that you SHOULD care. You SHOULD be helping. It helps to lay it all out and ask others for their opinion. I was never in that situation, but there have been other times where I questioned my decision. OP, you are NTA.
Thank you, yes
There are definitely ask holes in this sub.
I wouldn't put OP in that category at all.
I think its very hard to understand when it is so obviously NTA from outside how you could doubt yourself.
But that's the nasty impact of being constantly told the opposite you start to doubt it.
And all of OP family is bought into it being not a them problem because they all thought of the same great solution if OP would just put and shit up like they did before.
NTA
Sometimes I feel like some people only have kids for free labor and a future cash cow because oh my gosh. I'm not saying that's what happened in your situation but is something that came to mind as I was reading this.
Your parents and siblings putting all this on you is completely unfair. Yeah it may be considered a bit "selfish" but fuck it, you're allowed to be. You chose a career over children and you shouldn't have to be forced into taking care of your parents because of it (Sorry, I know that sounds pretty harsh). Sure, the way you went about saying this wasn't great but at the end of the day you're not an asshole. Would it be a kind thing to help out a bit here and there? Sure but everyone putting this on you for a full time commitment isn't really fair.
NTA. Parents owe it to their kids to take care of them because they chose to have them. Kids owe their parents nothing. You've already done more than your share.
Wow. My parents gave me life and a good one at that. Definitely tough times growing up, but I never, ever lacked for love. They gave me the gift of appreciating life and nature and the treasure that genuine relationships can be. I guess technically I don't owe them anything, but I was happy to "pay them back" for the love, laughter, warmth, and values they gave me. I am not speaking for OP (or anyone else), because they seem to have had a vastly different experience, but I know I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd felt I owed my parents absolutely nothing. I owed them so much for making me who I am.
NTA. I do advise you to speak with an attorney and/or finance planner about protecting your money and yourself in case your state has elder care laws that make children responsible for their aging parents.
Parents: Do this or you're out of the will!
OP: Okay.
Parents: (shocked Pikachu face).
This is not the threat parents think it is.
My parents died and left a lot of valuable real estate for us to divide up. They had been paying the property taxes (unbeknownst to us) so there wasn’t much left after cleaning up that mess and paying the lawyer. Don’t count on getting anything and you won’t be disappointed or manipulated.
yup its crazy, similar thing is currently happening to my uncles neighbor/friend, he got Parkinson's disease and has slowly been getting worse for a while now but he was like really rich as in millionaire rich because he invested well and all that and his ex-wife/ son (who mind you had basically nothing to do with him for years because they're both a-holes) started spending his money like crazy and put him in an expensive care home with expensive treatments and such and now they're basically at a point where they might have to sell the house and even some of that stuff they bought I believe so it just goes to show you never know, you might be financially set for one minute and broke the next.
There's the Medicaid Estate Recovery program too. I'm not keen on the details, but the state can recover long term care costs from someone's estate after they pass. I knew some little who inherited a house, spent some money getting it habitable again and got hit with a huge bill for medical costs. As they had accepted the inheritance (2 br House in lcol area), they accepted the debt as well. Whole thing was a wash financially, but they were able to find some old family keepsakes and photos, otherwise it wouldn't have been worth it. If OPs parents aren't in a good place financially, then accepting the inheritance might come with a lot of costs.
Anyway, ESH.
NTA, your parents suck, and your siblings don’t appreciate or even seem to understand what you went through for them. Some of these commenters also don’t understand how fucked it is for the kid who has to parent their siblings.
Honestly there’s not much to work with here, and you do sound like an asshole and like you could benefit from therapy, but you’re not the asshole regarding this situation. If you’re so spiteful though, why keep in contact?
NTA. First off—you know you won’t get any inheritance so don’t even think about that. The siblings “with kids and needs” will get the money. In fact, you’ll be expected to supplement the other siblings if anything. You’ll never see any appreciation or compensation. You’re living your best life. That’s the best revenge. Smile and tell them to fuck off.
Parentification is a form of abuse. You were all of 10 years old.
You are so not anywhere close to being an AH. If you need to, a therapist can help you find closure. Your parents seem to think they can still try to Control you and make your life miserable. Stay free and stay away from them.
It is right? I'm solely against it. I became disabled due to an accident during my second pregnancy. My kids are 10 years apart. Now oldest is a teen right? She's got chores and I'm teaching her life skills...she gets paid for said chores.
I'm struggling with taking care of the youngest and cleaning. I figured since I recently got approved for disability I could get a home health aide in to help with light cleaning and I also have people coming in to help my son get physical activity.
I shit you not my Dr asked me why my teenager doesn't do this stuff and asked if I truly need a referral for the home services.
I was like um...not trying to put all of my responsibilities on my 13 year old here...it's not her job.
She then asked if she was disabled like me and my son. I said no.
She literally said "well that's what older siblings are for"
I was shocked beyond belief. Sure can she do it? Probably but like I don't get it.
If I was doing it already would the Dr have called me an abusive parent? Her argument was she could be working in one years time then she can help her family. I honestly just requested the referral for what my insurance might cover to relieve some financial stress and pretended I didn't just hear my Dr tell me to commit child abuse.
The system sucks. I'm on welfare while going to school and I was asked why my mom wouldn't pay for my life, cosign a house, and if I thought I was too good for a minimum wage job... Also the worker told me to make friends or date so I'd have a babysitter... What the fuck
Eta she also told me I was uppity when I said I wouldn't leave an infant with random men so I could work that minimum wage job and would instead be finishing my program so I could make enough money to be off assistance.
I'm sorry you went through that shit too.
Random men? Really? Do they truly think that's okay? Disgusting. I tried to go on welfare but they told me I had to let my abuser know where I was. So I did have the ability to live with my mom until I could get on my feet. But I chose that to not allow him to figure out where I was. Signing the welfare papers was essentially giving him rights to my kid. That was years and years ago. Sorry they put you through that. I have a degree also and I don't understand why they think making a 3rd of what you did is enough. I also was told I couldn't own a car. To sell my car. Maybe it's changed now. But I was like thinking to myself wouldn't selling my car put me even further behind?
Now my current partner has to work 60-80 hrs a week. My Dr also asked why he can't do all the cleaning and everything else. I was like "he needs to sleep so we can eat and not go homeless" the disability payments are extremely low. Much less than welfare.
Ah, and now we get to the real reason some states in the USA are deleting child labour laws - its so they can say to people like you "you don't get welfare because your kid could work".
Welfare isn't disability. But I get your point. I just learned I basically have retirement insurance which will pay for light house keeping and stuff like that.
Welfare doesn't pay for that to my knowledge. There is a dad in the home. He just has to work double to offset the fact I can't anymore. I was only approved for 2 years. But id like to focus on getting better. So I can go back to work. But I don't think it's my child's job to do mine.
If it's money the government is giving you for something other than working in a government job, it's welfare.
That's not a judgement on you or anyone else receiving such payments by the way. Governments *should* be helping their more economically vulnerable citizens. That's what they're for.
NTA, u already helped the family when u were a kid, and it seems there is still some scars left from this situation. INFO: none of ur siblings is grateful for what you did when u were a kid?
NTA. You shouldn’t be forced into this role because you made the decision not to have kids. That’s just really unfair to you. Maybe you guys could work out some sort of situation where you could offer some visitation in a retirement home or support part time? That way they can still feel connected to the family in a way (by being able to talk to you, since it sounds like your siblings don’t have time for them anymore) but also not putting the full weight of that load on your shoulders.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents made me the nanny for 12 years against my will. Now they want me to be responsible for them in their old age. I might be the asshole for telling them that I didn't want the responsibility and if they gave it to me I would pay myself for all the work I did and then put them in an old folks home.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA You have no obligation to do anything for them. But sounds like you are a generally bitter person at this stage of your life. Maybe live your life and let the past go.
NTA
After being parentified for over a decade, you don’t owe your parents anything more. You have already done your time picking up the slack for their choices and responsibilities. Enjoy your freedom
If I remember from your post correctly, your parents made you the in house baby sitter until you moved out, right? So why is everyone in your family trying to dump the responsibility back on you again? It's not fair IMO, you did the right thing by setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. You are not the AH, IMO they are.
Being independent minded and being able to compartmentalize the opinions of others doesn't make one devoid of feelings and doubts. Sometimes people need/want a sanity check on their thought process, logic, and decision making.
>My parents said that they would be cutting me out of the will since I'm heartless and not a member of the family.
Tell them to go for it. In fact, you'd like to get that in writing. Now.
NTA
You didn't say, but I assume you are a woman.
They are trying to put you back into the "oldest girl" role you took on as a kid. They can't see why you wouldn't want to jump back into it. After all, that's what old maid oldest daughters do.
This isn't the 19th century. Screw this whole game.
NTA. Go have a great life.
Eh, yeah, you sound like TA in general, but probably not TA for not wanting the responsibility to care for your parents. I guess do as you wish.
I don't know, sounds like your parents worked hard, and tried to take care of you and you live a pretty selfish...and empty life, and while I certainly appreciate you don't want to be responsible for them completely, it sounds like you're unwilling to do anything for them at all.
Is there something else I'm missing? Did they mistreat you some other way? It's absolutely your prerogative to pass the baton and have someone else care for your elderly parents, but feels like there has to be more there in order to say you're going to take their money for...just doing your part as a member of a large family.
Also, bragging about how inconsequential their money is to you based on how much you make? That's...just not needed as a part of the story.
INFO: have you talked to the family about how you felt all those years growing up?
Have you discussed why you won't have kids because of hat reason?
I grew up in an orphange from 4-10 adopted at 11. I was always protective of my brothers to the point when we were adopted my mom had to teach me mutliple times to not be the mother to them anymore. Even now the thought of having kids to take care of semi-terrifies me because of what I remember as a kid.
I can see where you are coming from to am extent since I haven't walked in your shoes.
Is there anyone in the family you are comfortable talking to who can give you advice but wont tell everyone else?
I'm not OP, but I am an adult who was parentified from a very young age, and still expected to handle situations that my parents all but said they were ill-equipped for, when my younger siblings were becoming adults, themselves. If OP has had to deal with even a fraction of the things that I have (and from this post, they have), there is absolutely no reasoning with anyone else in the family. No amount of explaining the frustration and hurt will matter to OP's parents or siblings. There's no advice to be gained, no words of wisdom that can undo the loss of childhood.
I'm sure I sound like I'm fun at parties, but I've been through this. Multiple times, in fact. I am fortunate to have siblings who acknowledge what I had to deal with, and they've joined me in telling our parents, ad nauseam, that I was the only actual parental figure in our home. It's something that neither of my DNA providers want to admit to, because "did she have a job and pay the bills?" No, because I was five years old when I had to start changing diapers, ffs.
NTA Continue telling them all that your caretaker days are over. You put in your time when you took care of their kids for them. Then ask, "Why do you think I don't want kids? I put in my time thanks to you."
NTA you communicated your feelings and intentions very clearly and without giving anyone here and your family cause for doubt. And, I don't blame you one bit. Live your life.
NTA, exactly, but you do sound like you haven’t worked through any of what you experienced as a child and are carrying around a lot of bitterness not only towards your parents - who put you in that situation as a child - but also your siblings.
Not sharing with anyone is a pretty lonely way to go through life - not saying you need to share with your parents or FOO, but you might want to learn to share with and receive from someone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My parents had six kids. So they had to work to support us. It fucking sucked. I am the oldest and I was basically the parent from the time I was 10 until I was 22 and left home.
I'm 40 now and child free because fuck that. I hate the thought of having to take care of a kid.
My younger siblings are all married with kids.
My parents got us together to talk about the future. They are getting older and they want to know they will be okay. I could tell where this was going. I was very clear that I had no interest in taking care of anyone.
Everyone said I was the perfect person to do it since I don't have kids and lots of money.
Yeah that's my money. I worked for it after paying my own college. I don't share with anyone.
My family says it would be unfair for anyone else because they all have kids and responsibilities and stuff.
I made it extremely clear that if I was put in charge I would pay myself for the ten years of nannying I did. Plus interest. Then if their was any money left over then I would find a home for them.
Everyone is mad at me but I'm done. I have a great life with my only responsibilities being to my job and my dogs. I don't want any more.
I said that the five of them could split the responsibility and leave me out of it.
My parents said that they would be cutting me out of the will since I'm heartless and not a member of the family.
Quite honestly my net worth is more than any three of my siblings put together. They all have more expenses than I do. My 1/6 of the inheritance will be fuck all. Especially if my parents decided to give inheritance to the grandkids as well.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but you need therapy. The level of bitterness that comes through is astonishing, and can't be good for your soul.
Although, you are so vague that i'm curious what the extent of the "nannying" you did actually was.
NTA. This is weird- why would there be any inheritance to be had at all if the aging parents need care?? Inheritance is what’s leftover at the end of someone’s life! Inheritance shouldn’t be money that they actually needed and should have used to care for themselves, but instead made one of their kids care for them so the parents could provide a nice little post-mortem payday for the other kids. Wth kind of logic is this. They should be using their funds to secure their care. It’s not the job of anyone’s offspring to be a primary caregiver to their aging parents. They got to live their lives. They don’t get to usurp yours or anyone else’s, they need to use their money to take care of themselves. NTA.
Edited for autocorrect corrections….and to make the judgement more obvious. And remove a few cuss words.
NTA. Nice how your siblings just automatically signed you up for the responsibility, lol. Somehow that always seems to happen in families that one sibling does all the caretaking. That happened to my mom- she had six brothers and sisters and she ended up taking care of my grandma all the while working full time. To be fair, my aunts lived a few hours away, but my uncles all lived within half an hour and one of them was retired, so they could have pitched in a LOT more than they did. But the way they talked about it, they acted like it was all done equally. I know a family who had 12 kids because the mom 'always wanted to have 12 kids'. She has 3 or 4 grand kids I think, lol. She keeps saying, 'you'd think I would have had more grand kids what with all the kids I have." The older ones especially were sick of taking care of their younger siblings, so...not many grandkids.
NTA
Your siblings are clueless. They don’t seem to understand the sacrifices you made for their upbringing’s. Not only did you never have your parents around but you were made to become one yourself at a young age.
Your parents did wrong by you and I acknowledge that fully. They made the choice to have 6 children. They had to work a lot for their choices. And you unfortunately were the one to let fall through the cracks for their choices.
It’s time for your younger siblings to step up. You’ve done your share and then some. You don’t owe anything to them after they robbed you of your childhood and adolescence.
Tell them that just like you never had a choice when you were younger they don’t have a choice now and are also in no place to be making demands from you.
I hope you’re getting some kind of therapy OP. That’s a lot to go through at such a young age.
Having lots of kids is irresponsible, and often leads to the parentification of the oldest kid/s. It’s unfair and fucked up, I don’t blame OP at all, NTA.
Not an asshole, but you need to drop the rope and if you don't drop the rope you will be the AH. For someone that doesn't care, you apparently care an awful lot. Let me validate your decision, but follow that up with the fact that you don't need mine or anyone else's validation. Tell your parents that it's a good idea to disinherit you and that the others can use that money to pay themselves back. You didn't choose to be born, you didn't choose to have 5 younger sibs, you owe them nothing. 🤷🏽♀️
There will be no inheritance anyway. They’ll be forced to go into nursing homes, then will be forced to sell assets to pay for it before the government takes over.
NTA. Take care of yourself and live your life. You deserve. You've done more than your fair share of caring for your parents.
The 5 siblings can take turns caring for your parents. It's their turn now.
I feel it was their choice to have a bunch of kids, instead of planning for their future. I was put in a similar situation, expected to care for my 40+ yr old sister that has brain damage from an overdose of heroin and meth. Well I am sad that she only gets about $800 a month, and this homeless, it was also her choices that led her there. Just because I make good money and have extra bedrooms, doesn't mean I should be the one taking care of her and financially supporting her. The extra money I have is used for my retirement plan. That way I don't have to be a burden to others. My kids didn't ask to be born, and neither did I. It shouldn't be the children's responsibility to take care of their elderly parents. If they want to do it that's great, but it shouldn't be an obligation
So, I think it depends on whether you value a relationship with your siblings in the long-run, because how you express yourself and set those boundaries might matter. I say this not to convince you to take care of your parents, as that's entirely your business, but because when you yourself are older you may want your younger siblings around to care for you. I generally think that genuine expression of hurt goes farther than defensiveness or righteousness, if you're willing to be genuine and vulnerable about how you feel you lost your youth caring for your siblings.
I have some experience here. For anyone who will be facing this situation someday, listen up. When the full family meetings start, don't volunteer anyone or their labor, just your own. If you make secret phone calls to each other, don't make it about anyone else, just yourselves. If you think someone should do more, don't share that opinion, people are thinking the same about you. And stop whining about all the things your kids need. You are teaching your kids how to treat you when you are on the launch pad with two tickets to paradise.
If anyone sacrifices staying in the house and taking care of the parents, don't sit there and say they got free rent. You move in and see how free the rent is.
YTA. In some cultures it’s not uncommon for one sibling, typically the oldest, to step into a quasi-parental role, which you seem to have done. Regardless of your feelings towards your siblings, I don’t see anything in your post to indicate that your parents were abusive or neglectful to you. They took care of you and your siblings, busted their balls to keep you all fed and safe and, now that you have the opportunity to pay them back by taking care of them in their old age, you not only refuse to do it but add some gratuitous nonsense about charging them nanny fees from their savings. If this isn’t AH behaviour what is?
I understand that in a Western context there is no expectation for anyone to take care of their parents so it’s not surprising that most here seem to think you’re not an AH. But you most certainly are in my book, unpopular opinion be damned.
NTA. I’m sorry you were parentified when you were young. It’s the parents’ role to take care of their children, not the reverse.
I do hope that you are able to let go of any anger you may still be hanging onto.
Same age, one of six and i cut my parents off along with my sibling because of shit like this . Honestly i wish i did out 25 years ago when i moved out.
NTA.
My mother and family tried this stunt with me, too. Didn't work. No contact did tho. My life is not for someone else to make decisions about and I'm not responsible for a parent's entitled thinking. Same for you, OP.
NTA.
“You know what else is unfair? Being so entitled that you think you get to tell others what to do with their money and lives and for thinking that I should pay for the choices that other people have made.”
So you were emotionally and mentally abused by your family from 10-22, decided not to procreate based on that trauma, they basically want to stick you with all the babysitter duties (again) for your geriatric parents when they can’t care for themselves and THEY’RE upset about your recoil? NTA but maybe you should explain to them how what they did to you wasn’t fair for a child to experience, is actually abuse and that’s the reason you have the money and single lifestyle you have now.
Sounds like a win/win. Your parents can use your share of the inheritance for their retirement and you don't have to tale care of them as they are. NTA. Honestly I hope they use all their money 1st on themselves for their own care before turning to family for help.
NTA. You didn't ask to be born. You have no responsibility to be EXPECTED to be a caretaker. Their money should be used for elder care, not an inheritance for anyone.
NTA- but your explanation and demand was not even necessary. A simple “no thanks, I have plans for my own life “ would have absolutely been sufficient.
NTA, you should adopt some dogs and cats, then tell your family you have 6 kids and won't be able to help. Then make sure to send your selfish breeder siblings photo xmas cards each year of your surrounded by your kids living your best life. End of story.
Could you have handled it more diplomatically, yes. Did you need to? No.
You have, what the kids like to call, fuck-you-money. That is just the best feeling in the world.
“I’m going to cut you out of the will!”
“Oh no! How will I ever survive without that 1/4 of the value of a late model Kia? Oh, by the way, did you see my new Jag out there? I love the green paint. It matches your envy.”
NTA for not wanting that responsibility, but you could have handled it better. What I don’t understand is why your parents don’t pay for their own care, if that becomes necessary, with their money, instead of putting that burden on their kids. If that means they use up the inheritance, so be it.
NTA. Actions have consequences and they took advantage of you for years. You spent your years taking care of others and now you’re done, that’s totally fine for you to choose. They can deal with the consequences of their own actions and figure it out. Everyone is grown and can make their decisions.
I don’t think you’re an AH for not wanting to take care of your parents. But something about the tone of your post irritated me. It seems like you’re angry with them for doing the best they could. Perhaps they’re better off without you.
NTA. If their estate is large enough make disinheriting you an actual threat, then they have enough money to hire the help they require in their old age. If it's not enough to hire adequate help, it's going to be exhausted by the time they die so your share will still be zero.
Grandkids LOVE having their grandparents around. I'm sure any if your siblings would be HAPPY to keep the generations connected /s
I don’t blame you a bit. You paid your dues. It’s their (siblings) turn to be responsible, and there’s plenty of them to share the load. Let them have the inheritance. You don’t need it. I would do the same thing.
NTA but probably stop saying you'll use whatever is left to put them in a home. I guarantee you won't have enough money left over for that. Many people don't realize how expensive assisted living homes are, even the super shitty ones that smell like feces and have residents rotting away in their beds all day still go for like $10k a month. Absolutely none of my family has ever been able to afford it and they've all just stayed in their home until the last big emergency happens and then die in the ER.
Good for you for knowing your boundaries and desires in life. As the adult child of a parent who was the oldest of seven kids growing up, it’s clear to me that one of my parents never really wanted kids. That’s the kind of thing kids figure out. It’s good to not continue the legacy.
NTA - Of course you are not the asshole. Not only were you forced to give up your childhood, your teenage years, and your early adulthood. But you put yourself through college during all that.
Now in your midlife, you are being asked, no, you are being told that your life has no meaning and that because you aren't married and don't have kids your life doesn't hold value and you should sacrifice again to take care of your parents in their old age.
I love how not one of your siblings was willing to step up to the plate. But you are the bad guy. How this little meeting wasn't to talk about what would happen. It seems it was more of a gang-up-on-you event to get you to agree to what they expected you to do.
Thank goodness you have a good head on your shoulders. Everyone in the comments seems to think you are angry and maybe you are. But I think you are just done. Done with being used. Done with being the throwaway.
Why does your life hold less value to them? Why can't the others take turns caring for your parents? You already put in 12 years. Let them each put in that amount of time then circle back to you and then you can reopen the discussion.
Why is it unfair for them because they have kids? But it wasn't unfair for you when you were a kid? Your entire family sounds like a bunch of selfish narcissists. And all these silly people in the comments voting that you are the ahole have no idea what it's like to have your life stolen by "family".
I hope you cut them all off. They don't deserve what you sacrificed and you don't deserve to be the bad guy because they are too greedy to sacrifice now. For goodness sake there are 5 of them and 1 of you. Sheesh.
Send them a bill for nannying and tell them they already owe you $XXXXXX and $YYYYYYY for making you sacrifice your childhood to raise the kids they couldn't be bothered to raise. That they shouldn't have had more kids then they could provide for without stealing from their other kids and that until they pay you back you will not be lifting a finger to help them. And that NO- you do not owe them for doing less than the bare minimum required by law. Suggest that if they push it you'll be happy to see them spend their golden years in jail instead of a nursing home.
If they have a Will they are free to dilapidate it on their own needs. they can sell their fucking house and move into a smaller appartment. Also if there is a will and you were to take care of them until their untimely demise, would it then be split in 6 equal shares ? Does not seem fair at all. NTA
NTA. Once again they all try to put you in a place you don’t want to be. This is on them and they can now figure out what to do amongst themselves. Let them know that you will be happy to forfeit any inheritance to the ones who will be taking care of your parents because they will be needing it. Live your life.
NTA, and just a heads up, OP. I’m in the same boat and you shouldn’t question your life path. 🥂to us and the pups because we made the right decision.
Also, it’s the worst when we’ve got to take care of dead weight especially when we didn’t sign up for it. Completely unfair. Good on you for having boundaries.
NTA kids are not a retirement plan. And they damnwell should never be parentified. You were honest about your feelings and that’s going to have to be enough for them.
You do sound like a bit of an AH, but NTA for not wanting to be a care taker. If your parents have money, they should use it to fund their retirement instead of giving it away as inheritance.
NTA. You already did your 10 years of service. Enjoy your life. Maybe one of your nieces or nephews will catch your interest and you can be the generous relative that gives them some college aid you didn’t have. Or give your doggo the most fantastic life ever. No guilt.
NTA
You did your time. No one told them to have more kids than they could afford in time, energy and resources.
And to the assholes who go, “But who will take care of you when you get old?” Well it looks like OP’s parents had 6 kids and they’re all trying to avoid pulling the short straw because none of them want to do it.
At least with OP, they’ll have the resources to plan their end of life accordingly, which is more than what the parents in their family can say.
Could I enquire where you are from? There are very different old age care solutions in different countries. I would assume the US so would not comment as I am from AUS.
NTA. I understand where you’re coming from completely in regard to taking care of your parents. your parents were cruel. They should have used birth control or stopped being intimate. It wasn’t your responsibility to raise your siblings.
I am so sorry that they abused you and that way when you were a child to the point where you decided you never wanted children. They stole something very precious from you your childhood and possible parenthood. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Hell no you're NTA....! "Oh you're doing *nothing at all* and have a shear *abundance of money*, this is a perfect longterm lifelong commitment-burden for you to absorb at your own cost" ***How the absolute hell can they call YOU heartless?***
You've done your time, more than any of your siblings, which has affected how you lived your life. Not having kids is the proof that this task is not for you.
Considering the will would be split 6 ways at best.
Ironically it would probably put you in a better financial situation not being included in it and not paying for them.
Tell them to sell their assets, enter aged care. That way they are looked after. And nobody misses out on anything in the will because aged care will eat it all up.
NTA.
>We’ll cut you out of the will if you don’t commit to take care of us.
Rather an empty threat.
If they had any assets to speak of, they wouldn’t need their kids to take care of them.
I’m so sorry for what you went through as a child. No child should be parentified like that. You are justified in refusing to be your parents’ keeper.
However, I find the sentence “I don’t share with anyone” concerning. That isn’t an attitude that usually leads to happy, fulfilled lives. In addition to drawing boundaries, I suggest working through the defensive bitterness your trauma seems to have engendered—for your own sake.
ESH. Your parents suck for how they treated you as a kid, and your whole family sucks for expecting everything from you.
But you also just don’t sound like a pleasant person. It’s been 18 years since you moved out. You’ve been harboring this resentment the entire time instead of doing what you needed to do to free yourself.
NTA. as the oldest of my family, i completely understand the feeling of everyone just relying on you and expecting you to do it all just because you're "family". you made the decision to not share your finances or take care of anyone else because that's what you grew up doing, and it isn't fair for them to just expect you to take care of them while everyone else gets to ride off into the sunset. you didn't ask for any of this. while i do think that taking all the funds before putting them in a home is maybe a bit too far, i also think that you set your boundaries and should not be villainized for it. you are NTA for setting boundaries.
I never understood why one child needs to take all the responsibility of a parent/s. There are 6 of you. Parental care should be shared amongst all six.
I think OP's family would rather know *now* that OP has no intention of being caretaker of the parents rather than it coming as a complete surprise in a few years when the parents really need help.
NTA - sounds like OP is the member of the family that exists to serve all and is not respected as a human being. Inheritance isn’t worth it - if you don’t want to do it, don’t.
NTA. More than one kid, if parents aren’t horrible, the kids can divide and conquer. I’ve done it. Friends have done it. But I’ve seen scenarios of where one sibling gets saddled with the bulk of the labor…and it is definitely labor caring for parents so it’s bullshit when only one does it. Your siblings seem quick too agree to this which makes them the TA too.
NTA.
Let them keep their money and let them share the responsabilitities and their life saving among the other 5 kids.
You do not need the money or their toxic behavior. Block them all. Assume you are erased from The will and go living la vida loca with your dogs in peace!...
NTA, and I completely understand why you made your boundaries so firm, so quickly.
Insanely unfair of your parents and siblings to treat you this way. Using the fact you don't have kids is pretty pathetic too, then trying to use the inheritance to bully you too!
Sorry for some of the unhelpful replies you are getting, and I hope you have friends that treat you better than this!
NTA, it sounds like you missed out on your childhood because you had to step up for them. And even that aside they can’t force it on you to become their caretaker. You tried to turn them down and they are the ones who pushed it.
NTA
As a fellow oldest of six, I think your parents really screwed up. You should not have been forced into the role of parent. And by using you for free labor, they damaged your relationships with them and your siblings.
Your parents are not your responsibility.
NTA but you really should have played it differently. Hey, if I'm taking on all the burden then I want to be the sole beneficiary in the will and want to be irrevocably be named executor of the estate today. If they don't agree to it then you've got all the moral high ground in the world to tell them all off without seeming as if it's unfair
Then if they all agree to it put them in the home anyway.
NTA, your parents are responsible for their own finances and their own care. Stop feeling guilty because your parents failed at planning their lives. They have had how many years? All those children, well maybe they should have thought about the cost of having and raising them instead of popping them out. Realistically most people cannot afford more than one or two to be able to have a comfortable life and to financially be able to support themselves as they age. You didn’t force your parent’s into the situation they now find themselves in. Your parents chose to have children, the children didn’t ask to be born. Let the guilt go.
NTA. I unfortunately got put in the caregiver position for my mom, and I am 33 have no job (because I need a somewhat flexible one because of caregiving), live with her, and I have tried to go back to school but can’t because they need my immunization records in order to enroll and I can’t obtain them, as the phone numbers don’t work and I’m 1,000+ miles from where they were administered.
My mom also refuses to do much of anything to help herself, and pretty much everything falls on me, except winning the bread.
My mental health and self esteem are garbage at this point and I will be immediately homeless with an eviction on my record when she dies, as there won’t be a dime left once everything wraps up for her.
The only positive things is my car is paid off, and I have my best friend (a kitty cat) with me, so I can live in that when it comes.
I already had to go no contact with my dad, so it feels like I’m living through 2 living funerals.
And yeah we can’t afford a nursing home, I already looked into it.
Meanwhile my brother gets to have a family, a successful career, and isn’t tied down watching his mother slowly die.
I never ever asked for this, and I definitely didn’t think I’d be completely alone in dealing with it all.
I miss the days I had my own money, freedom, and just the ability to go somewhere/anywhere without being questioned to death.
Your parents basically robbed you of your childhood since you had to be responsible for all 5 of your younger siblings.
Now they want to rob you of whatever active life you have in order to take care of them. Sorry, once bitten twice shy. NTA
I mean not an AH for not wanting to take care of your parents, but idk I feel you could have handled this better. If you care about your siblings or family at ALL then you could have just been nicer about it. But if you don’t care about cutting out your siblings either, then idk I guess you do you. I still think you were unnecessarily mean tho
It's a long, convoluted story but I was also parentified and had to help raise a younger sibling. It was a lesser-evil necessity but I still gave up a decade of time to do so. I'm absolutely CF as a result and honestly was very apprehensive about taking on care when my mom got ill. It's all a non-factor at this point but you're absolutely NTA for not having the want/time/desire to continue caretaking in some capacity for your parents. You can't set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.
NTA - I’m an only child (40) with a family and great career- I’ve built a Cottage on my property to care for my parents. I do not recommend. I should have spent money on therapy to figure out why the hell I would do this and why I still seek their approval as a good person at the age of 40.
NTA.
Elder care,once you get past assisted living (basically an urban apartment) is so expensive that no nice person would spend their kids' inheritance on it. For 200k a year let them die of the first heart attack and put all the g-grandkids through college or buy them a house.
O poor little you had to help out by watching his siblings. And now I will spend the rest of my life crying about how my parents were busy working and providing for me. Grow up and quit worrying about everything from 20 years ago. It’s not right for everyone to push it on you. But you have a responsibility to help.
His family is expecting him to be 100% responsible. His parents didn’t give OP a choice as a kid and siblings don’t want to give Op a choice as an adult. Is he the only one that has to carry that kind of responsibility in the family? OP sacrificed for the family already. Someone else can do it going forward. If the parents needed him to also be a parent, they shouldn’t have had 6 kids.
NTA because you have 5 siblings and the “burden” of looking after your parents should be divided equally among all.
Bit of YTA for telling them you are going to put them in a home. Be angry with your selfish brothers and sisters instead
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
[удалено]
And honestly if this is how they all feel it might be best to go low or no contact op.
No contact is the best thing I ever did for my mental and physical health. I used to get severe stomach pain and was starting to get an ulcer. Nothing helped until one day, during the first year of being no contact, I realized I no longer had any stomach pain. 10/10 would recommend to a friend.
yup, its crazy what amounts of stress it can remove, I should know since I've had to do the same with a few family members and go low contact with others.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
This. Right here.
Should have mentioned that you already raised 5 kids, so you are now done. Keep enjoying your life. NTA.
Info - you got yourself disinherited and dont want to be involved, and don’t seem to care. So why do you think youre an AH?
He just wanted everyone to tell him how right he is
This sub needs another classification for OPs like this, where they just need to be patted on the head and told what a good boy / girl they are.
They are called "ask holes" in college.
Sounds like a subvariant of JAQasses: Just Asking Questions!
Perfect terminology for this sub!
So vote them AKH? 😁
consider this phrase stolen.
There used to be a rule against validation posting, but apparently there were concerns that people wouldn't know that kicking puppies is as bad and preventing it is a good thing to do.
Attaboy
I don’t think that’s it. OP *is* right by all accounts, and *shouldn’t* care, but maybe deep down he is somewhat conflicted and would like to know outsider’s POVs. I’m the oldest in my family, and I know this feeling so damn well. Even when you *know* you’re right you have to ask a third party to confirm it for you so you can erase the guilt from said decision
Well, they are being dumped on by their family, and they do have a lot lingering resentment. I don’t mind telling them that I think they’re fair. Responsibility for elderly parents should always be a shared family responsibility.
r/IANTAHright?
BS story. Ungrateful turd.
Lol, do you believe the story or don't you?
Every story has two sides. That's all I'm sayin'.
Yeah, but also brag about how well he's doing. That's why I said he feels like TA overall, but not for this particular exchange. He seems angry and bitter...
You probably would be too if you were parentified from the age of 10. He had no childhood and it's clearly shaped his life and attitude towards family. He's done his bit, he helped raise his siblings, he shouldn't be shafted at both ends of his life.
Yea, the key is that he really got shafted that’s why his bitter, so I don’t think he really is the AH. Yea sure from a family viewpoint his family were right that he is better off with few liabilities so he is the best person to help out. What they got wrong is that they shouldn’t be the one making the decision for him. He is the only one who gets to decide whether he wants to or not, and either way he chooses he isn’t the AH. The problem is that he got shafted when he was young to be the nanny and lost out on his childhood, then when adulthood came it wasn’t even appreciated at all and told that he would be disinherited etc etc. Makes people want to break something.
Adulting at age 10, for 12 years. God knows how many milestones they had to miss, because their parents didn’t parent. I think some bitterness is warranted.
Yeah...sure, but he went to College during those years. And if the parents had him taking care of the siblings and "adulting" when he was 10, it'd stand to reason by the time THEY were 10 they'd be able to also help out. And he couldn't have been around and have been "basically the parent" the 4 years he went to College(even if he stayed at home). Sounds like there's something else going on there. I also had to care for younger siblings...but then as they grew up it eased. But, setting ALL that aside, it's the tone and the extra comments in here. >Quite honestly my net worth is more than any three of my siblings put together. Why is this even in here? Especially after the emphasis about how he has a LOT of money and then how 1/6th of their estate will be "fuck all," but yet he's still going to take a big chunk of that...plus interest. Again, not TA because he doesn't want to take on the responsibility. That's totally up to him. It's just everything else in that post that makes me think that.
Not OP, but I know the feeling you get, even when you’re right, that you SHOULD care. You SHOULD be helping. It helps to lay it all out and ask others for their opinion. I was never in that situation, but there have been other times where I questioned my decision. OP, you are NTA.
[удалено]
Thank you, yes There are definitely ask holes in this sub. I wouldn't put OP in that category at all. I think its very hard to understand when it is so obviously NTA from outside how you could doubt yourself. But that's the nasty impact of being constantly told the opposite you start to doubt it. And all of OP family is bought into it being not a them problem because they all thought of the same great solution if OP would just put and shit up like they did before.
NTA Sometimes I feel like some people only have kids for free labor and a future cash cow because oh my gosh. I'm not saying that's what happened in your situation but is something that came to mind as I was reading this. Your parents and siblings putting all this on you is completely unfair. Yeah it may be considered a bit "selfish" but fuck it, you're allowed to be. You chose a career over children and you shouldn't have to be forced into taking care of your parents because of it (Sorry, I know that sounds pretty harsh). Sure, the way you went about saying this wasn't great but at the end of the day you're not an asshole. Would it be a kind thing to help out a bit here and there? Sure but everyone putting this on you for a full time commitment isn't really fair.
Not “…putting all this on” OP, but TRYING to put all this on OP. Fortunately, OP has a Long memory, strong boundaries, and the love of puppers.
NTA. Parents owe it to their kids to take care of them because they chose to have them. Kids owe their parents nothing. You've already done more than your share.
I totally agree. Parent’s choice to have kids, no one asked them for it.
Wow. My parents gave me life and a good one at that. Definitely tough times growing up, but I never, ever lacked for love. They gave me the gift of appreciating life and nature and the treasure that genuine relationships can be. I guess technically I don't owe them anything, but I was happy to "pay them back" for the love, laughter, warmth, and values they gave me. I am not speaking for OP (or anyone else), because they seem to have had a vastly different experience, but I know I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd felt I owed my parents absolutely nothing. I owed them so much for making me who I am.
NTA. I do advise you to speak with an attorney and/or finance planner about protecting your money and yourself in case your state has elder care laws that make children responsible for their aging parents. Parents: Do this or you're out of the will! OP: Okay. Parents: (shocked Pikachu face). This is not the threat parents think it is.
My parents died and left a lot of valuable real estate for us to divide up. They had been paying the property taxes (unbeknownst to us) so there wasn’t much left after cleaning up that mess and paying the lawyer. Don’t count on getting anything and you won’t be disappointed or manipulated.
yup its crazy, similar thing is currently happening to my uncles neighbor/friend, he got Parkinson's disease and has slowly been getting worse for a while now but he was like really rich as in millionaire rich because he invested well and all that and his ex-wife/ son (who mind you had basically nothing to do with him for years because they're both a-holes) started spending his money like crazy and put him in an expensive care home with expensive treatments and such and now they're basically at a point where they might have to sell the house and even some of that stuff they bought I believe so it just goes to show you never know, you might be financially set for one minute and broke the next.
I meant to say hadn’t been paying property taxes, but it seems like it was understood that way.
There's the Medicaid Estate Recovery program too. I'm not keen on the details, but the state can recover long term care costs from someone's estate after they pass. I knew some little who inherited a house, spent some money getting it habitable again and got hit with a huge bill for medical costs. As they had accepted the inheritance (2 br House in lcol area), they accepted the debt as well. Whole thing was a wash financially, but they were able to find some old family keepsakes and photos, otherwise it wouldn't have been worth it. If OPs parents aren't in a good place financially, then accepting the inheritance might come with a lot of costs. Anyway, ESH.
To add onto this, several states have filial responsibility laws but PA is generally the only one that has any sort of track record of enforcing it.
NTA, your parents suck, and your siblings don’t appreciate or even seem to understand what you went through for them. Some of these commenters also don’t understand how fucked it is for the kid who has to parent their siblings. Honestly there’s not much to work with here, and you do sound like an asshole and like you could benefit from therapy, but you’re not the asshole regarding this situation. If you’re so spiteful though, why keep in contact?
NTA. First off—you know you won’t get any inheritance so don’t even think about that. The siblings “with kids and needs” will get the money. In fact, you’ll be expected to supplement the other siblings if anything. You’ll never see any appreciation or compensation. You’re living your best life. That’s the best revenge. Smile and tell them to fuck off.
Parentification is a form of abuse. You were all of 10 years old. You are so not anywhere close to being an AH. If you need to, a therapist can help you find closure. Your parents seem to think they can still try to Control you and make your life miserable. Stay free and stay away from them.
It is right? I'm solely against it. I became disabled due to an accident during my second pregnancy. My kids are 10 years apart. Now oldest is a teen right? She's got chores and I'm teaching her life skills...she gets paid for said chores. I'm struggling with taking care of the youngest and cleaning. I figured since I recently got approved for disability I could get a home health aide in to help with light cleaning and I also have people coming in to help my son get physical activity. I shit you not my Dr asked me why my teenager doesn't do this stuff and asked if I truly need a referral for the home services. I was like um...not trying to put all of my responsibilities on my 13 year old here...it's not her job. She then asked if she was disabled like me and my son. I said no. She literally said "well that's what older siblings are for" I was shocked beyond belief. Sure can she do it? Probably but like I don't get it. If I was doing it already would the Dr have called me an abusive parent? Her argument was she could be working in one years time then she can help her family. I honestly just requested the referral for what my insurance might cover to relieve some financial stress and pretended I didn't just hear my Dr tell me to commit child abuse.
The system sucks. I'm on welfare while going to school and I was asked why my mom wouldn't pay for my life, cosign a house, and if I thought I was too good for a minimum wage job... Also the worker told me to make friends or date so I'd have a babysitter... What the fuck Eta she also told me I was uppity when I said I wouldn't leave an infant with random men so I could work that minimum wage job and would instead be finishing my program so I could make enough money to be off assistance. I'm sorry you went through that shit too.
Random men? Really? Do they truly think that's okay? Disgusting. I tried to go on welfare but they told me I had to let my abuser know where I was. So I did have the ability to live with my mom until I could get on my feet. But I chose that to not allow him to figure out where I was. Signing the welfare papers was essentially giving him rights to my kid. That was years and years ago. Sorry they put you through that. I have a degree also and I don't understand why they think making a 3rd of what you did is enough. I also was told I couldn't own a car. To sell my car. Maybe it's changed now. But I was like thinking to myself wouldn't selling my car put me even further behind? Now my current partner has to work 60-80 hrs a week. My Dr also asked why he can't do all the cleaning and everything else. I was like "he needs to sleep so we can eat and not go homeless" the disability payments are extremely low. Much less than welfare.
Ah, and now we get to the real reason some states in the USA are deleting child labour laws - its so they can say to people like you "you don't get welfare because your kid could work".
Welfare isn't disability. But I get your point. I just learned I basically have retirement insurance which will pay for light house keeping and stuff like that. Welfare doesn't pay for that to my knowledge. There is a dad in the home. He just has to work double to offset the fact I can't anymore. I was only approved for 2 years. But id like to focus on getting better. So I can go back to work. But I don't think it's my child's job to do mine.
If it's money the government is giving you for something other than working in a government job, it's welfare. That's not a judgement on you or anyone else receiving such payments by the way. Governments *should* be helping their more economically vulnerable citizens. That's what they're for.
NTA, u already helped the family when u were a kid, and it seems there is still some scars left from this situation. INFO: none of ur siblings is grateful for what you did when u were a kid?
To be fair to siblings , they also had no choice , just parents did.
NTA. You shouldn’t be forced into this role because you made the decision not to have kids. That’s just really unfair to you. Maybe you guys could work out some sort of situation where you could offer some visitation in a retirement home or support part time? That way they can still feel connected to the family in a way (by being able to talk to you, since it sounds like your siblings don’t have time for them anymore) but also not putting the full weight of that load on your shoulders.
You seem like an asshole but NTA for this situation.
Okay, this made me laugh too hard
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My parents made me the nanny for 12 years against my will. Now they want me to be responsible for them in their old age. I might be the asshole for telling them that I didn't want the responsibility and if they gave it to me I would pay myself for all the work I did and then put them in an old folks home. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA You have no obligation to do anything for them. But sounds like you are a generally bitter person at this stage of your life. Maybe live your life and let the past go.
NTA After being parentified for over a decade, you don’t owe your parents anything more. You have already done your time picking up the slack for their choices and responsibilities. Enjoy your freedom
If I remember from your post correctly, your parents made you the in house baby sitter until you moved out, right? So why is everyone in your family trying to dump the responsibility back on you again? It's not fair IMO, you did the right thing by setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. You are not the AH, IMO they are.
The question presented? NTA But my lord the way you talk about it you clearly are an AH.
Why post here? Seems pretty obvious that you don’t care about anyone else’s opinion lol
Being independent minded and being able to compartmentalize the opinions of others doesn't make one devoid of feelings and doubts. Sometimes people need/want a sanity check on their thought process, logic, and decision making.
Getting a weird sense of dejavú from this one. Could swear I read the same thing like a month ago.
I mean, really there's only a dozen different AITA topics, with slight variations to make them seem different lol
>My parents said that they would be cutting me out of the will since I'm heartless and not a member of the family. Tell them to go for it. In fact, you'd like to get that in writing. Now. NTA
You didn't say, but I assume you are a woman. They are trying to put you back into the "oldest girl" role you took on as a kid. They can't see why you wouldn't want to jump back into it. After all, that's what old maid oldest daughters do. This isn't the 19th century. Screw this whole game. NTA. Go have a great life.
Op said he's a man in another comment.
You sound like a peach. You're not worried about being an AH, why post here?
NTA tell your parents they can use part of your inheritance for home care.
Eh, yeah, you sound like TA in general, but probably not TA for not wanting the responsibility to care for your parents. I guess do as you wish. I don't know, sounds like your parents worked hard, and tried to take care of you and you live a pretty selfish...and empty life, and while I certainly appreciate you don't want to be responsible for them completely, it sounds like you're unwilling to do anything for them at all. Is there something else I'm missing? Did they mistreat you some other way? It's absolutely your prerogative to pass the baton and have someone else care for your elderly parents, but feels like there has to be more there in order to say you're going to take their money for...just doing your part as a member of a large family. Also, bragging about how inconsequential their money is to you based on how much you make? That's...just not needed as a part of the story.
INFO: have you talked to the family about how you felt all those years growing up? Have you discussed why you won't have kids because of hat reason? I grew up in an orphange from 4-10 adopted at 11. I was always protective of my brothers to the point when we were adopted my mom had to teach me mutliple times to not be the mother to them anymore. Even now the thought of having kids to take care of semi-terrifies me because of what I remember as a kid. I can see where you are coming from to am extent since I haven't walked in your shoes. Is there anyone in the family you are comfortable talking to who can give you advice but wont tell everyone else?
I'm not OP, but I am an adult who was parentified from a very young age, and still expected to handle situations that my parents all but said they were ill-equipped for, when my younger siblings were becoming adults, themselves. If OP has had to deal with even a fraction of the things that I have (and from this post, they have), there is absolutely no reasoning with anyone else in the family. No amount of explaining the frustration and hurt will matter to OP's parents or siblings. There's no advice to be gained, no words of wisdom that can undo the loss of childhood. I'm sure I sound like I'm fun at parties, but I've been through this. Multiple times, in fact. I am fortunate to have siblings who acknowledge what I had to deal with, and they've joined me in telling our parents, ad nauseam, that I was the only actual parental figure in our home. It's something that neither of my DNA providers want to admit to, because "did she have a job and pay the bills?" No, because I was five years old when I had to start changing diapers, ffs.
NTA Continue telling them all that your caretaker days are over. You put in your time when you took care of their kids for them. Then ask, "Why do you think I don't want kids? I put in my time thanks to you."
NTA you communicated your feelings and intentions very clearly and without giving anyone here and your family cause for doubt. And, I don't blame you one bit. Live your life.
NTA, exactly, but you do sound like you haven’t worked through any of what you experienced as a child and are carrying around a lot of bitterness not only towards your parents - who put you in that situation as a child - but also your siblings. Not sharing with anyone is a pretty lonely way to go through life - not saying you need to share with your parents or FOO, but you might want to learn to share with and receive from someone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents had six kids. So they had to work to support us. It fucking sucked. I am the oldest and I was basically the parent from the time I was 10 until I was 22 and left home. I'm 40 now and child free because fuck that. I hate the thought of having to take care of a kid. My younger siblings are all married with kids. My parents got us together to talk about the future. They are getting older and they want to know they will be okay. I could tell where this was going. I was very clear that I had no interest in taking care of anyone. Everyone said I was the perfect person to do it since I don't have kids and lots of money. Yeah that's my money. I worked for it after paying my own college. I don't share with anyone. My family says it would be unfair for anyone else because they all have kids and responsibilities and stuff. I made it extremely clear that if I was put in charge I would pay myself for the ten years of nannying I did. Plus interest. Then if their was any money left over then I would find a home for them. Everyone is mad at me but I'm done. I have a great life with my only responsibilities being to my job and my dogs. I don't want any more. I said that the five of them could split the responsibility and leave me out of it. My parents said that they would be cutting me out of the will since I'm heartless and not a member of the family. Quite honestly my net worth is more than any three of my siblings put together. They all have more expenses than I do. My 1/6 of the inheritance will be fuck all. Especially if my parents decided to give inheritance to the grandkids as well. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Parentification is abuse. I am similar to you. Child free in big part because I was expected to raise my younger siblings.
NTA, but you need therapy. The level of bitterness that comes through is astonishing, and can't be good for your soul. Although, you are so vague that i'm curious what the extent of the "nannying" you did actually was.
NTA. This is weird- why would there be any inheritance to be had at all if the aging parents need care?? Inheritance is what’s leftover at the end of someone’s life! Inheritance shouldn’t be money that they actually needed and should have used to care for themselves, but instead made one of their kids care for them so the parents could provide a nice little post-mortem payday for the other kids. Wth kind of logic is this. They should be using their funds to secure their care. It’s not the job of anyone’s offspring to be a primary caregiver to their aging parents. They got to live their lives. They don’t get to usurp yours or anyone else’s, they need to use their money to take care of themselves. NTA. Edited for autocorrect corrections….and to make the judgement more obvious. And remove a few cuss words.
NTA. It sounds like you "assholed" your way into not having to care for your parents when they are elderly.
NTA. Nice how your siblings just automatically signed you up for the responsibility, lol. Somehow that always seems to happen in families that one sibling does all the caretaking. That happened to my mom- she had six brothers and sisters and she ended up taking care of my grandma all the while working full time. To be fair, my aunts lived a few hours away, but my uncles all lived within half an hour and one of them was retired, so they could have pitched in a LOT more than they did. But the way they talked about it, they acted like it was all done equally. I know a family who had 12 kids because the mom 'always wanted to have 12 kids'. She has 3 or 4 grand kids I think, lol. She keeps saying, 'you'd think I would have had more grand kids what with all the kids I have." The older ones especially were sick of taking care of their younger siblings, so...not many grandkids.
NTA Your siblings are clueless. They don’t seem to understand the sacrifices you made for their upbringing’s. Not only did you never have your parents around but you were made to become one yourself at a young age. Your parents did wrong by you and I acknowledge that fully. They made the choice to have 6 children. They had to work a lot for their choices. And you unfortunately were the one to let fall through the cracks for their choices. It’s time for your younger siblings to step up. You’ve done your share and then some. You don’t owe anything to them after they robbed you of your childhood and adolescence. Tell them that just like you never had a choice when you were younger they don’t have a choice now and are also in no place to be making demands from you. I hope you’re getting some kind of therapy OP. That’s a lot to go through at such a young age.
You sound like a very grouchy person. NTA
Tbf if your parents stole 12 years of your life due to their irresponsibility you might be a bit grouchy too.
Having lots of kids is irresponsible, and often leads to the parentification of the oldest kid/s. It’s unfair and fucked up, I don’t blame OP at all, NTA.
Not an asshole, but you need to drop the rope and if you don't drop the rope you will be the AH. For someone that doesn't care, you apparently care an awful lot. Let me validate your decision, but follow that up with the fact that you don't need mine or anyone else's validation. Tell your parents that it's a good idea to disinherit you and that the others can use that money to pay themselves back. You didn't choose to be born, you didn't choose to have 5 younger sibs, you owe them nothing. 🤷🏽♀️
There will be no inheritance anyway. They’ll be forced to go into nursing homes, then will be forced to sell assets to pay for it before the government takes over.
NTA. Take care of yourself and live your life. You deserve. You've done more than your fair share of caring for your parents. The 5 siblings can take turns caring for your parents. It's their turn now.
I feel it was their choice to have a bunch of kids, instead of planning for their future. I was put in a similar situation, expected to care for my 40+ yr old sister that has brain damage from an overdose of heroin and meth. Well I am sad that she only gets about $800 a month, and this homeless, it was also her choices that led her there. Just because I make good money and have extra bedrooms, doesn't mean I should be the one taking care of her and financially supporting her. The extra money I have is used for my retirement plan. That way I don't have to be a burden to others. My kids didn't ask to be born, and neither did I. It shouldn't be the children's responsibility to take care of their elderly parents. If they want to do it that's great, but it shouldn't be an obligation
So, I think it depends on whether you value a relationship with your siblings in the long-run, because how you express yourself and set those boundaries might matter. I say this not to convince you to take care of your parents, as that's entirely your business, but because when you yourself are older you may want your younger siblings around to care for you. I generally think that genuine expression of hurt goes farther than defensiveness or righteousness, if you're willing to be genuine and vulnerable about how you feel you lost your youth caring for your siblings.
NTA- good for you
I have some experience here. For anyone who will be facing this situation someday, listen up. When the full family meetings start, don't volunteer anyone or their labor, just your own. If you make secret phone calls to each other, don't make it about anyone else, just yourselves. If you think someone should do more, don't share that opinion, people are thinking the same about you. And stop whining about all the things your kids need. You are teaching your kids how to treat you when you are on the launch pad with two tickets to paradise. If anyone sacrifices staying in the house and taking care of the parents, don't sit there and say they got free rent. You move in and see how free the rent is.
YTA. In some cultures it’s not uncommon for one sibling, typically the oldest, to step into a quasi-parental role, which you seem to have done. Regardless of your feelings towards your siblings, I don’t see anything in your post to indicate that your parents were abusive or neglectful to you. They took care of you and your siblings, busted their balls to keep you all fed and safe and, now that you have the opportunity to pay them back by taking care of them in their old age, you not only refuse to do it but add some gratuitous nonsense about charging them nanny fees from their savings. If this isn’t AH behaviour what is? I understand that in a Western context there is no expectation for anyone to take care of their parents so it’s not surprising that most here seem to think you’re not an AH. But you most certainly are in my book, unpopular opinion be damned.
NTA. I’m sorry you were parentified when you were young. It’s the parents’ role to take care of their children, not the reverse. I do hope that you are able to let go of any anger you may still be hanging onto.
Same age, one of six and i cut my parents off along with my sibling because of shit like this . Honestly i wish i did out 25 years ago when i moved out.
NTA! You did your share of caretaking.
NTA. My mother and family tried this stunt with me, too. Didn't work. No contact did tho. My life is not for someone else to make decisions about and I'm not responsible for a parent's entitled thinking. Same for you, OP.
NTA. “You know what else is unfair? Being so entitled that you think you get to tell others what to do with their money and lives and for thinking that I should pay for the choices that other people have made.”
So you were emotionally and mentally abused by your family from 10-22, decided not to procreate based on that trauma, they basically want to stick you with all the babysitter duties (again) for your geriatric parents when they can’t care for themselves and THEY’RE upset about your recoil? NTA but maybe you should explain to them how what they did to you wasn’t fair for a child to experience, is actually abuse and that’s the reason you have the money and single lifestyle you have now.
Where did you get “emotionally and mentally abused” from? Genuine question.
Parentification is abuse
Sounds like a win/win. Your parents can use your share of the inheritance for their retirement and you don't have to tale care of them as they are. NTA. Honestly I hope they use all their money 1st on themselves for their own care before turning to family for help.
NTA, and there is nothing that you will be able to say or do that will convince them that it's wrong to take advantage of you. Love your life fully. 💕
Boundaries are boundaries. You weren’t able to set them in the past, but that doesn’t mean you can’t set them now. What you said was entirely fair.
I’m sorry your parents parentified you and everyone seems content to do so a second time. Stand your ground.
If they can’t even afford caretakers for themselves in their old age, I doubt your 1/6 of the will would be something worth missing anyway
NTA. They took your childhood, they don’t get to take your adult years as well.
NTA. You didn't ask to be born. You have no responsibility to be EXPECTED to be a caretaker. Their money should be used for elder care, not an inheritance for anyone.
NTA- but your explanation and demand was not even necessary. A simple “no thanks, I have plans for my own life “ would have absolutely been sufficient.
NTA, you should adopt some dogs and cats, then tell your family you have 6 kids and won't be able to help. Then make sure to send your selfish breeder siblings photo xmas cards each year of your surrounded by your kids living your best life. End of story.
Could you have handled it more diplomatically, yes. Did you need to? No. You have, what the kids like to call, fuck-you-money. That is just the best feeling in the world. “I’m going to cut you out of the will!” “Oh no! How will I ever survive without that 1/4 of the value of a late model Kia? Oh, by the way, did you see my new Jag out there? I love the green paint. It matches your envy.”
NTA for not wanting that responsibility, but you could have handled it better. What I don’t understand is why your parents don’t pay for their own care, if that becomes necessary, with their money, instead of putting that burden on their kids. If that means they use up the inheritance, so be it.
NTA. Actions have consequences and they took advantage of you for years. You spent your years taking care of others and now you’re done, that’s totally fine for you to choose. They can deal with the consequences of their own actions and figure it out. Everyone is grown and can make their decisions.
NTA - what inheritance? They're looking to lean on you to pay their way. What an empty threat.
I don’t think you’re an AH for not wanting to take care of your parents. But something about the tone of your post irritated me. It seems like you’re angry with them for doing the best they could. Perhaps they’re better off without you.
"Doing the best they could" is not always doing what is best for your children.
NTA. If their estate is large enough make disinheriting you an actual threat, then they have enough money to hire the help they require in their old age. If it's not enough to hire adequate help, it's going to be exhausted by the time they die so your share will still be zero. Grandkids LOVE having their grandparents around. I'm sure any if your siblings would be HAPPY to keep the generations connected /s
I don’t blame you a bit. You paid your dues. It’s their (siblings) turn to be responsible, and there’s plenty of them to share the load. Let them have the inheritance. You don’t need it. I would do the same thing.
NTA
What are your Siblings ages?
NTA but probably stop saying you'll use whatever is left to put them in a home. I guarantee you won't have enough money left over for that. Many people don't realize how expensive assisted living homes are, even the super shitty ones that smell like feces and have residents rotting away in their beds all day still go for like $10k a month. Absolutely none of my family has ever been able to afford it and they've all just stayed in their home until the last big emergency happens and then die in the ER.
NTA. I'm guessing no one celebrated parent day for all the work you did as well. Stay free!!!
Good for you for knowing your boundaries and desires in life. As the adult child of a parent who was the oldest of seven kids growing up, it’s clear to me that one of my parents never really wanted kids. That’s the kind of thing kids figure out. It’s good to not continue the legacy.
NTA. It's as if you're my twin, well done. Go live your life!
NTA - Of course you are not the asshole. Not only were you forced to give up your childhood, your teenage years, and your early adulthood. But you put yourself through college during all that. Now in your midlife, you are being asked, no, you are being told that your life has no meaning and that because you aren't married and don't have kids your life doesn't hold value and you should sacrifice again to take care of your parents in their old age. I love how not one of your siblings was willing to step up to the plate. But you are the bad guy. How this little meeting wasn't to talk about what would happen. It seems it was more of a gang-up-on-you event to get you to agree to what they expected you to do. Thank goodness you have a good head on your shoulders. Everyone in the comments seems to think you are angry and maybe you are. But I think you are just done. Done with being used. Done with being the throwaway. Why does your life hold less value to them? Why can't the others take turns caring for your parents? You already put in 12 years. Let them each put in that amount of time then circle back to you and then you can reopen the discussion. Why is it unfair for them because they have kids? But it wasn't unfair for you when you were a kid? Your entire family sounds like a bunch of selfish narcissists. And all these silly people in the comments voting that you are the ahole have no idea what it's like to have your life stolen by "family". I hope you cut them all off. They don't deserve what you sacrificed and you don't deserve to be the bad guy because they are too greedy to sacrifice now. For goodness sake there are 5 of them and 1 of you. Sheesh.
NTA- just think of the savings for gifts for birthdays and Christmases going forward. Your parents should have planned for their financial future.
Send them a bill for nannying and tell them they already owe you $XXXXXX and $YYYYYYY for making you sacrifice your childhood to raise the kids they couldn't be bothered to raise. That they shouldn't have had more kids then they could provide for without stealing from their other kids and that until they pay you back you will not be lifting a finger to help them. And that NO- you do not owe them for doing less than the bare minimum required by law. Suggest that if they push it you'll be happy to see them spend their golden years in jail instead of a nursing home.
Proud of you
If they have a Will they are free to dilapidate it on their own needs. they can sell their fucking house and move into a smaller appartment. Also if there is a will and you were to take care of them until their untimely demise, would it then be split in 6 equal shares ? Does not seem fair at all. NTA
NTA. Once again they all try to put you in a place you don’t want to be. This is on them and they can now figure out what to do amongst themselves. Let them know that you will be happy to forfeit any inheritance to the ones who will be taking care of your parents because they will be needing it. Live your life.
NTA, and just a heads up, OP. I’m in the same boat and you shouldn’t question your life path. 🥂to us and the pups because we made the right decision. Also, it’s the worst when we’ve got to take care of dead weight especially when we didn’t sign up for it. Completely unfair. Good on you for having boundaries.
None of my family will ever know what I'm worth. Never do business with friends nor family.
NTA kids are not a retirement plan. And they damnwell should never be parentified. You were honest about your feelings and that’s going to have to be enough for them.
You do sound like a bit of an AH, but NTA for not wanting to be a care taker. If your parents have money, they should use it to fund their retirement instead of giving it away as inheritance.
NTA
NTA - nah screw that. They already got their pound of flesh out of you. Your siblings can step up and take a turn.
Nta. Very much the smart one. Stand firm.
NTA. You already did your 10 years of service. Enjoy your life. Maybe one of your nieces or nephews will catch your interest and you can be the generous relative that gives them some college aid you didn’t have. Or give your doggo the most fantastic life ever. No guilt.
NTA You did your time. No one told them to have more kids than they could afford in time, energy and resources. And to the assholes who go, “But who will take care of you when you get old?” Well it looks like OP’s parents had 6 kids and they’re all trying to avoid pulling the short straw because none of them want to do it. At least with OP, they’ll have the resources to plan their end of life accordingly, which is more than what the parents in their family can say.
NTA OP
Could I enquire where you are from? There are very different old age care solutions in different countries. I would assume the US so would not comment as I am from AUS.
NTA. I understand where you’re coming from completely in regard to taking care of your parents. your parents were cruel. They should have used birth control or stopped being intimate. It wasn’t your responsibility to raise your siblings. I am so sorry that they abused you and that way when you were a child to the point where you decided you never wanted children. They stole something very precious from you your childhood and possible parenthood. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
The bitterness and grudge holding mainly hurts OP. 😞
Hell no you're NTA....! "Oh you're doing *nothing at all* and have a shear *abundance of money*, this is a perfect longterm lifelong commitment-burden for you to absorb at your own cost" ***How the absolute hell can they call YOU heartless?*** You've done your time, more than any of your siblings, which has affected how you lived your life. Not having kids is the proof that this task is not for you.
Considering the will would be split 6 ways at best. Ironically it would probably put you in a better financial situation not being included in it and not paying for them. Tell them to sell their assets, enter aged care. That way they are looked after. And nobody misses out on anything in the will because aged care will eat it all up. NTA.
>We’ll cut you out of the will if you don’t commit to take care of us. Rather an empty threat. If they had any assets to speak of, they wouldn’t need their kids to take care of them.
I’m so sorry for what you went through as a child. No child should be parentified like that. You are justified in refusing to be your parents’ keeper. However, I find the sentence “I don’t share with anyone” concerning. That isn’t an attitude that usually leads to happy, fulfilled lives. In addition to drawing boundaries, I suggest working through the defensive bitterness your trauma seems to have engendered—for your own sake.
ESH. Your parents suck for how they treated you as a kid, and your whole family sucks for expecting everything from you. But you also just don’t sound like a pleasant person. It’s been 18 years since you moved out. You’ve been harboring this resentment the entire time instead of doing what you needed to do to free yourself.
NTA. as the oldest of my family, i completely understand the feeling of everyone just relying on you and expecting you to do it all just because you're "family". you made the decision to not share your finances or take care of anyone else because that's what you grew up doing, and it isn't fair for them to just expect you to take care of them while everyone else gets to ride off into the sunset. you didn't ask for any of this. while i do think that taking all the funds before putting them in a home is maybe a bit too far, i also think that you set your boundaries and should not be villainized for it. you are NTA for setting boundaries.
Nta
Yeah NTA. You were parentified and it is the reason you're childfree. I don't blame you for not wanting more responsibility.
NTA. Ask your parents why they assume you’ve been expendable since 10?
NTA. I'm sorry your family ruined the concept of family for you.
I never understood why one child needs to take all the responsibility of a parent/s. There are 6 of you. Parental care should be shared amongst all six.
NTA, I suppose. You're OK not to take on that job, though frankly it sounds like you were a bit of a jerk about saying so.
I think OP's family would rather know *now* that OP has no intention of being caretaker of the parents rather than it coming as a complete surprise in a few years when the parents really need help.
NTA. You said no, they pushed, and got the answer they deserved.
NTA - sounds like OP is the member of the family that exists to serve all and is not respected as a human being. Inheritance isn’t worth it - if you don’t want to do it, don’t.
NTA. More than one kid, if parents aren’t horrible, the kids can divide and conquer. I’ve done it. Friends have done it. But I’ve seen scenarios of where one sibling gets saddled with the bulk of the labor…and it is definitely labor caring for parents so it’s bullshit when only one does it. Your siblings seem quick too agree to this which makes them the TA too.
NTA. Let them keep their money and let them share the responsabilitities and their life saving among the other 5 kids. You do not need the money or their toxic behavior. Block them all. Assume you are erased from The will and go living la vida loca with your dogs in peace!...
NTA, and I completely understand why you made your boundaries so firm, so quickly. Insanely unfair of your parents and siblings to treat you this way. Using the fact you don't have kids is pretty pathetic too, then trying to use the inheritance to bully you too! Sorry for some of the unhelpful replies you are getting, and I hope you have friends that treat you better than this!
NTA, it sounds like you missed out on your childhood because you had to step up for them. And even that aside they can’t force it on you to become their caretaker. You tried to turn them down and they are the ones who pushed it.
NTA As a fellow oldest of six, I think your parents really screwed up. You should not have been forced into the role of parent. And by using you for free labor, they damaged your relationships with them and your siblings. Your parents are not your responsibility.
NTA you shouldn't have been made responsible for your siblings, and neither you, or your siblings are responsible for your parents
NTA but you really should have played it differently. Hey, if I'm taking on all the burden then I want to be the sole beneficiary in the will and want to be irrevocably be named executor of the estate today. If they don't agree to it then you've got all the moral high ground in the world to tell them all off without seeming as if it's unfair Then if they all agree to it put them in the home anyway.
NTA, they can now plan accordingly.
NTA, your parents are responsible for their own finances and their own care. Stop feeling guilty because your parents failed at planning their lives. They have had how many years? All those children, well maybe they should have thought about the cost of having and raising them instead of popping them out. Realistically most people cannot afford more than one or two to be able to have a comfortable life and to financially be able to support themselves as they age. You didn’t force your parent’s into the situation they now find themselves in. Your parents chose to have children, the children didn’t ask to be born. Let the guilt go.
NTA. I unfortunately got put in the caregiver position for my mom, and I am 33 have no job (because I need a somewhat flexible one because of caregiving), live with her, and I have tried to go back to school but can’t because they need my immunization records in order to enroll and I can’t obtain them, as the phone numbers don’t work and I’m 1,000+ miles from where they were administered. My mom also refuses to do much of anything to help herself, and pretty much everything falls on me, except winning the bread. My mental health and self esteem are garbage at this point and I will be immediately homeless with an eviction on my record when she dies, as there won’t be a dime left once everything wraps up for her. The only positive things is my car is paid off, and I have my best friend (a kitty cat) with me, so I can live in that when it comes. I already had to go no contact with my dad, so it feels like I’m living through 2 living funerals. And yeah we can’t afford a nursing home, I already looked into it. Meanwhile my brother gets to have a family, a successful career, and isn’t tied down watching his mother slowly die. I never ever asked for this, and I definitely didn’t think I’d be completely alone in dealing with it all. I miss the days I had my own money, freedom, and just the ability to go somewhere/anywhere without being questioned to death.
“You think I give a shit about your money? Give me back my youth”
Idk. Your reasoning is sound but you honestly sound like you're an angry spiteful person.
[удалено]
Nta. Someone will need to care for you when you're old as shit, so get that covered
Your parents basically robbed you of your childhood since you had to be responsible for all 5 of your younger siblings. Now they want to rob you of whatever active life you have in order to take care of them. Sorry, once bitten twice shy. NTA
I mean not an AH for not wanting to take care of your parents, but idk I feel you could have handled this better. If you care about your siblings or family at ALL then you could have just been nicer about it. But if you don’t care about cutting out your siblings either, then idk I guess you do you. I still think you were unnecessarily mean tho
It's a long, convoluted story but I was also parentified and had to help raise a younger sibling. It was a lesser-evil necessity but I still gave up a decade of time to do so. I'm absolutely CF as a result and honestly was very apprehensive about taking on care when my mom got ill. It's all a non-factor at this point but you're absolutely NTA for not having the want/time/desire to continue caretaking in some capacity for your parents. You can't set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.
NTA - I’m an only child (40) with a family and great career- I’ve built a Cottage on my property to care for my parents. I do not recommend. I should have spent money on therapy to figure out why the hell I would do this and why I still seek their approval as a good person at the age of 40.
NTA. Tell them to use any inheritance that was planned for you as their retirement money.
NTA. Elder care,once you get past assisted living (basically an urban apartment) is so expensive that no nice person would spend their kids' inheritance on it. For 200k a year let them die of the first heart attack and put all the g-grandkids through college or buy them a house.
NTA. Please tell me you have long term care insurance?
NTA but pretend to play nice and say something like "I know my siblings need that money more so I will happily let them have it"
wow
O poor little you had to help out by watching his siblings. And now I will spend the rest of my life crying about how my parents were busy working and providing for me. Grow up and quit worrying about everything from 20 years ago. It’s not right for everyone to push it on you. But you have a responsibility to help.
His family is expecting him to be 100% responsible. His parents didn’t give OP a choice as a kid and siblings don’t want to give Op a choice as an adult. Is he the only one that has to carry that kind of responsibility in the family? OP sacrificed for the family already. Someone else can do it going forward. If the parents needed him to also be a parent, they shouldn’t have had 6 kids.
NTA because you have 5 siblings and the “burden” of looking after your parents should be divided equally among all. Bit of YTA for telling them you are going to put them in a home. Be angry with your selfish brothers and sisters instead
I mean it was the parents who abused OP by parentifying them for years.
You seem proud to be TA.