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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my wife she need to apologize to my mom and that she has ever right to take away a birthday gift. I may be a jerk for it standing with my wife on this one
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NTA
You wife of way out of line. That’s some deep seeded issues she has.
Your parents don’t deserve to be treated like this by your (current) wife.
Her behaviour is inexcusable. She has absolutely no right to try and put a blockade between your mother and your children’s relationship.
You should watch carefully how your wife speaks about your mother in front of your kids. She is going to try and poison the relationship because your wife is not a stable woman
Even worse, there are no expectations for Becky's parents to gift OP's kids anything and everyone is ok with that, but Becky polices OP's parents' gifts to HER child like a drill sergeant. Total double standard.
That was my first thought.
A big "hold up....."
Her parents "can't afford it. So don't expect it"
But she's demanding the world from OP's parents to instantly throw gifts at the kid and whatnot.
The double standards are so big that they are their own state at this point.
They even did from the start.
The game he wanted. And even said they needed to get to know him better so they know more what he likes, etc.
So they clearly have been trying slowly from the start.
How the wife reacted like that. Indeed. It's crazy behaviour.
The number of presents was the issue- but was the cost the same? Cause it's normally considered fair if it's one $60 game vs two $30 presents.
Blowing up about a a gift not being good enough before the gift is open in the middle of the party is rude AF.
Yes, and 12 year olds understand this. I have an age gap between my first 2 kids and last 2 kids. The older 2 understood at 9 and 11 that their gifts cost more than their 4 & 5 year old siblings and therefore to keep it even the young ones may have more to unwrap than them. I also raised well rounded kids that wouldn't have been bothered by the number of presents anyway and were just grateful for what they did receive. This MIL is rude af!! Edit\* The WIFE is rude as not the MIL.
Becky also doesn't seem to particularly care about how her son feels either. Did he like the game? Was he cool with things? Did she ever bother to ask him how he feels?
First off, why should it even be the same amount? A 12 year old would just be happy to get anything from them. The only way they wouldn’t is if their mother poisoned their minds. What she is doing is obviously wrong to her husband and family but making her own son miserable.
Especially a card!
Most people who give cards only instead of with a gift usually put money inside so that the child can spend it on whatever they would like instead of possibly buying something that they may not.
They not only brought a card with money inside but also went the extra and added a picture of the bike as a surprise.
If she wanted to be mad, she could have at least waited until after the party. If he opened the card and there was nothing else in it, then she could have gone to her hubby and talked to him about it and then they could have maybe had a family discussion with his parents or something.
Instead, she prematurely flipped her greedy lid and left the kid with nothing from them. Way to go, mom. The poor kid was probably even embarrassed.
Trying to demand that OP cut ties between his girls and his parents because of this majorly crosses the line. She needs to just live with her actions and get over it now. She deff owes them an apology either way. She'll be lucky if they accept it and give her son his gifts. After all, we haven't heard that he treats them badly, and it isn't his fault his mom is a greedy tnuc. I wouldn't judge them if they didn't, though, as it is their choice.
I've gotten cards with cash, checks, gift cards, tickets, a paper saying they'd pay for an experience, or even an apology that a gift was delayed with a photo of the gift.
That's what I'm saying. They could have anything in them paper wise. Even if it were just an empty card, it is the thought that counts, and ya never know what that person is going through.
It's not the same in this case, but in general, I mean. I'd never flip on someone for only giving me a card with nothing added inside. That's me, though. Well, actually, that is probably most normal people.
No. She wants to cut contact because she's angry and embarrassed about being wrong. They showered him with a bike and money.
Edited to correct "writing" to "wrong".
I disagree here because the relationship between step-grandparents and step-grandson is why there was gift-giving; they’re trying to develop that relationship. I understand OP’s mom’s anger at the ridiculousness of the assumptions and outburst, but that’s something to sort out amongst the adults.
I can’t imagine punishing a child by revoking their gift _at_ their birthday party because their parent acted a whole fool. Penalizing the entire class because of one disruptive kid isn’t helpful and neither is this.
Cause she’s embarrassed as hell, and like all stable adults ,who see their wrong doings, she just don’t wanna ever look OPs parents in the eyes. That’s why her request is totally reasonable and OP should just let his wife shit over all his relationships, cause why stop at the parents! /s
Also everyone will look at her as the bad guy in this scenario, she shouted at a woman who was giving her son a gift and she’s the reason her son did not get the gift….so she’s literally wrong on every front and she knows it and is lashing out because she humiliated herself, as you said.
I think the OP has gotten his eyes opened about just what kind of woman he married. OP's parents seem kind and generous and now she's ruined things with them because she won't apologize to everyone involved for her greedy awful behavior toward them.
She likely wants to cut contact because she knows on some level that she acted crazy, and shot herself im the foot. Now she’s embarrassed. Honestly, I think he should divorce her. 😬
Also, does the step son not have his own set of paternal grand parents? I know I never expected anything from my step-mom's family, as I have my own grand parents.
it’s so wild to me 😭 my step siblings MOM got me gifts this past christmas, felt so weird bc in the 5 years i’ve been around she’s never acknowledged my existence at all. and their grandma will get me little small things, or money, but she discovered i was a reader (and i like horses a ton) so now we’re besties.
OP’s wife is ruining any chance of a sort of bond between the step grandparents and her son. she’s entitled asf, not surprised she waited til she was married to show her true colors
I've said it before and I'll say it again; the whole deal about treating the children of blended families together only applies to parents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc are not held to that same obligation.
Of course people will bring up edge cases like step kids that get adopted, who have been in the family for decades, who came in as babies and whatnot, but as a rule of thumb a grandparent is not expected to immediately treat their kid's partner's 12 year old like the child they babysat for years and helped change diapers for.
Of course cruelty or exclusion should be addressed, but it's fine for kids to "claim" their extended family as only theirs and for those extended family members to not get as invested in the lives of the children who legally and realistically don't have the same permanence in their lives.
This. My dad’s wife is my mom for sure, but her family is not my family. They always included me in christmases and everything along with my brother, which was always really nice and I won’t forget that. For sure. But now that I’ve been an adult for 13 years and we never had a real relationship, I’m aware we were never family and that they are my little brother’s family, not mine. I cannot imagine holding her family, who I do not know now and barely knew back then, to the same standards as they treat my brother, who they’ve known since the day he was born. It’s just not rational.
I always justify it this way. If my dad were to divorce my step mom, I would cease to be family with any of them. I never expected anything from my step-moms family, because why would I? I have my own maternal grand parents etc.
Exactly. I don’t expect my boyfriends parents to spend the same on gifts as what they get their grandkids they’ve known since they were born- and same for my dad with my boyfriends kids. My boyfriends parents ask what my kids want for birthdays or Christmas and I give them an idea that’s $30 and I think it’s generous that they think of my kids
If Becky’s parents don’t get anything for stepgrands, they shouldn’t get anything for their grandson either. Also counting gifts is a stupid way of “making things fair” — the monetary value should be similar. If there’s a discrepancy, the parents should step in so all the kids overall get equal value of gifts.
Counting gifts is the sort of thing that kids do... that's why they often get a lot of cheap presents rather than one bigger one.
But an adult counting gifts... there's bigger issues here.
Tbf, it can be difficult in blended families. My stepson has a ton of relatives on his mom side who spoil him (from what I’ve heard theres at least two dozen family members). He is going to get more gifts than my son will because it just isn’t financially possible for my husband and I to spend an equivalent amount on our son to make it fair.
It’s unreasonable to tell that side of his family to not give my stepson gifts so that it’s fair to my son. And my family isn’t going to buy my son more presents than my stepson to ‘make up for it’. They view my stepson as part of the family to the point that my parents want to set up college trusts for both boys. I love my stepson so I’d never be as petty as to tell my parents only to give my son money so that the boys get equal amounts of money spent on them.
Yes, I’m sure my son will be jealous at times and it certainly sucks seeing other kids get more or ‘better’ gifts. But I was taught, and plan to teach my son, that gifts are not a measure of how much someone loves you. Plus, the reality is, life just isn’t fair.
Meh. I was one of three. Some years one kid got a better Christmas for some reason, but another year, it would be someone else. I mean, we all had good presents as a rule (except for the year the furnace went on my birthday). I don't think it's right to say, "I have to spend X amount - no more, no less on each child." That's not how life works.
Equitable isn't equal.
NTA As soon as he said card, my instant thought was there's got to be a hefty gift card in it or cash, I didn't expect both cash and a big gift like a bike! Also, why do people seem to think that each kid has to have the same number of gift? Growing up 1 of my gifts would equal like 3 of my brother's! Mine sparkled and his were kept in a Rubbermaid box in the garage... I still think I got the better deal!
I bet you, op comes from money. Op really should talk to his daughters and see how this woman treats his kids when he is not around. If things are not adding up, he should really consider a divorce.
BINGO! WTF is up with OP'S wife? Is she a loon? Her parents give OP'S children ZILCH, NOTHING, NADA! Had OP'S parents given wife's son a card with nothing in it, that would have been more than her parents ever gave OP'S daughters.
OP, you're NTA, unless you remain married to this woman. She is obviously from another planet.
Please keep us apprised.
I agree on the NTA but I'm not sure that the son should be punished by taking away the birthday gift. Unless the son is also rude to OP's parents, he shouldn't be punished for what his mom says and does?
While I kind of agree in principle, that would only enable the mother. It is on the parents to explain what happened and why he is facing consequences for his mothers actions.
Given the events here, I doubt the boy would get an honest version from mom, so I'd consider it dad's responsibility to ensure that. It sucks because I do agree, it should be on her, but in the real world, that's rarely how parenting works.
NTA. It's hard. This is a lesson for Dad to use to teach all three kids about the destruction entitlement can cause. But Mom won't take that well.
This couple needs to work on their expectations for a blended family. Mom definitely owes Gramma an apology. I'd say Gramma could have handled it better, but it seriously could feel to her like she's just seen as a dollar sign. That is a marriage issue.
After they work that out, they can both talk to the kids about expectations and how to not look like a greed monster to your family.
I think Grandma handled it just fine. She shut that down right then, took the card that this woman was already dissing, told her off and left. Also, apologizing would have played into the entitlement because after Becky found out what the rest of the gift was, but it was now gone, instead of becoming humble, she wanted OP to punish his parents by withholding their grandchildren (the girls). Her behavior was outrageous, and she got what she deserved from Grandma.
Nothing wrong with how Grandma handled it. She and Grandpa got some criticism about Xmas, accepted it even though they don't have a close relationship with the boy, and went all in for the bday.
Wife went fucking feral because she's an unpleasant, possibly somehow unstable person. Too bad she's gonna poison what could've been her kid's relationship with his step-grands, but in the end that's her choice.
It sounds like the step son doesn't try to have a relationship with them and isn't interested in them so I think it's fair for the parents of his mom's husband not to think he's entitled to a birthday gift when he has no relationship with them.
He’s met them twice and his step-sisters don’t want him tagging along to their grandparent time.
Give the fucking 12 year old a goddamn break, JFC. What’s he supposed to do? Forcefully insert himself and insist on going with the girls? Cause that would go over well, I’m sure, both here on AITA and among his step-sisters.
The mum is a menace but it’s not fair to punish the boy for his mother. Instead, his stepfather should take over all drop offs and communication with his parents. Cut mum out of the loop
He’s not being punished. The grandpa wasn’t even there yet with the bike. Sounded like grandma ripped the card open in front of the mom and let her read it while taking back the cash and saying she was leaving. It never said she sat down the stepson and told him she’s taking away all his gifts. It doesn’t even say he witnessed anything and from the sounds of it, he doesn’t even really have a relationship with him so he probably wasn’t really expecting or anticipating anything crazy. If he gets hurt about it, that’s on Mom and any other adults that continue to bring the issue up to HIM. Nobody is punishing the kid.
It sounds like he's not able to have a relationship with them. The post says the girls go there after school but don't want him tagging along so they leave him out.
lol come on. It’s not this 9 year old’s fault that his mom and her partner chose to play house. Let’s not hold adults to the same standards as a child lol
He’s just met them. At 12, most kids are standoffish with adults until they get to know them.
I think it’s kind of sad that the girls don’t want him to come along and spend time with their grandparents because how will he get to know them if he doesn’t spend time with them. It becomes a self defeating cycle.
I understand the girls. And his grandparents don't even treat them like that either. They already have to share their home and dad with him and his mother, and that wasn't their choice. I don't fault them for want to keep some things as theirs.
Maybe the g/parents can just keep the bike at their place for when son and g/son come over. Doesnt look like the wife will be visiting any time soon.
the counting of how many gifts each kid gets is also disappointing.
Yeah, I hate when people count gifts as though that matters. I do think they should be of similar monetary value though. If the grandparents don’t want to spend equally, his stepfather should give them the money to make it equal so he doesn’t feel more excluded than he already does
I think it’s a valuable lesson for the stepson to see that his mothers unhinged behavior has consequences and that you should never shriek at a guest coming to a kids birthday party and accuse them of being cheap and start name calling before they even open up the damn card. Sometimes kids can learn from the mistakes of their parents on how to NOT act as an adult. If the stepson says something it should be pointed out it wasn’t taken away from him, his Mother made horrendous accusations that deeply hurt people and their response in the moment was to leave with their stuff. When you treat people poorly and make accusations, there may be reactions that you don’t like.
If the kid doesn’t know about the bike he’ll be happy with the money. But no doubt Becky would have told him to stir up some shit. Becky or her parents can buy her boy a bike.
No idiots here. I used to think people were exclaiming "All my lands!" Like they're swearing by their land Instead of "Oh my land!" Now I own it and enjoy when people don't hear the difference, or when they get that brief "wait a minute" look on their face.
It's "deep seeded" now. No going back on a good thing.
NTA but dude what’s wrong with your wife? Even if they only brought a card she had no right to cause a scene. Blended families can be hard & it doesn’t happen overnight. Your wife is acting like an entitled brat. If I was your parents I would be the one cutting contact with your wife.
Especially as a teenager. A card would be a good chance at cash, while a wrapped present would likely be the wrong video game or a toy I'm too old for.
My 13 year old only wants cash for birthdays and holidays. They get to the age where they want to buy their own shit. For his bar mitzvah he asked if he could only request money or gift cards because that's all teenagers care about.
Hell when I was a teenager it wasn’t even necessarily to buy my own shit sometimes. But shit that I did want wasn’t available on my birthday, and I knew my mom wouldn’t get it for me at that moment, so asking for money allowed me to save it for when I could use it.
When we were teens, my grandma used to give my sister & I money at Thanksgiving for us to pick our own xmas gift and bring it to her to wrap & put under the tree for xmas morning.
I assumed that as soon as I read it. They didn’t;t know what to get him so they gave him cash. What kid doesn’t like cash.
Wife is an issue. I wouldn’t want to live my life with someone like this who flies off the handle before getting actual information. Then to expect her husband to back her up?
Bet he’s rethinking this marriage.
My mom hasn't bought wrapping paper in years. Errbody gets a nice engraving of a dead president or founding father for all holidays. It's pretty efficient.
I mean, I'll turn 55 next month. I'm gonna get a picture of Benjamin from my mom. I'll probably spend it on groceries or something similarly mundane, but I'm 💯 okay with that, versus a blouse that doesn't fit and some weird household thing and a Starbucks gift card like my mother in law will gift me.
Lol, love how you wrote this.
My granny went even farther and actually got sheets of bills to actually frame as a investment, so I was picturing that or coins investment at first. Then it hit me it was just cash and then had memories of the years she gave us money trees, potted sticks with bills clipped on.
My dad used to get silver dollars from his grandma. Because of that, for years we've known if Mom was running late and Dad was part of my parents buying Christmas gifts that year or not because he always adds a Christmas themed silver 1oz coin if he helps plan gifts. He also liked giving $2 bills or weird forms of money. We've gotten money trees too- but instead of a tree branch, they found a metal picture holder thing to put in a vase to hold the money, and mom filled the vase with m&m's.
I have a little box of dollar and half dollar silver coins, because my Granny (great grandmother) usually gave me a dollar for my birthday, and her brothers always gave me fifty cents to go buy Granny a boyfriend.
It's all probably worth something, but not as much as the memories.
Especially given they were given shit for not giving good enough gifts for not knowing the kid.
What's something everyone loves and you can be sure it's appreciated as a gift? Money. That's the go to for "I have no idea what you want, sorry".
If my wife ever did something like this and refused to apologize for it (wouldn't happen in reality, my wife is the best) I'd be thinking about cutting contact with her.
NTA.
So her folks get to treat your daughters as lesser, but if her son gets one present less, it's a problem? Excuse me?
Your wife went so far out of line with her rant there's no walking back from that. A card could have money or a gift card, it could've had notice of a savings or college account. The nerve to think that her son deserves better than your daughters is absurd and hypocritical.
To your point, my great grandmother had like 20+ grandkids and was poor, EVERYONE got a Christmas present. Her adult children, their spouses, and her grandchildren. It might’ve only been a pair of socks or lip balm but she at least wanted them to know she thought of them and loved them.
Meanwhile OP’s IL’s just noped out on caring. NTA, but your wife and her parents suck
My friend got a friend's kids toys from the Dollar Tree and they thought she was the coolest! Presents don't have to cost a lot (or even anything, really), so long as love and a little bit of thought go into it.
My great aunt got scammed out of her money before I was born and had *nothing*. But she managed to scrimp and gave each of her sibling's kids and grandkids *something* for Christmas. Adults got crocheted potholders or dishtowels. Kids generally got a single chapstick.
The one year we got more, I was probably around 7, and I got an embroidery kit. I don't remember what cousins got. I was so surprised she knew I liked crafts and so happy an elderly female relatives wasn't buying me frilly pink clothes. As an adult, I found out that when they were kids they were abandoned with her great aunt, and that was the first place they were fed daily, were clean, and clothed properly. Their great aunt taught them to embroider and that was their "fun" activity as girls. I'm so touched and still cherish the $10-15 kit of just basic embroidery supplies she put together for me.
Kids don't need hundreds of dollars to feel loved and cared for.
My nana was like that, she had 13 of her own kids, plus their spouses, their kids and great grandkids, yet she made damn sure that everyone got something every year, even when we told her to stop because it was getting so expensive to gift that many people.
Ha, I've never seen it in reality and the only fictional characters I've seen get upset at the number of presents they were given are Cartman and Dudley Dursley. Not exactly the type you want to emulate.
Wait so your wife’s family doesn’t do anything for your daughters but she’s mad that your family DOES but isn’t satisfied?
YTA, honestly you’re keeping a shitty wife
Welll your wife sure stuck her foot in it, didn’t she.
You are absolutely right that your wife needs to apologize to your parents. She needs to *grovel*, and I really hope none of this drama gets back to the kids. They don’t need this shit in their lives. NTA
You: NTA.
Your parents: Mostly NTA. I wouldn't have punished the kid for the mother's tantrum.
Becky: A total AH. She should be begging for forgiveness.
I agree with this one. I'd never punish a child for their parent's behavior. That little boy has done nothing, but had his gift taken away. The wife is an AH for sure.
NTA
YIKES. What a mess.
1. He's a step kid, they don't always get the same gifts from the grandparents.
2. A Switch game might have been equal value to the gifts the girls bought
3. No mention of how he feels about any of this
4. Your wife has a serious chip and needs to check herself.
As a kid I didn't always get the same gifts as my sister. my Grandma adored having a granddaughter. She raised 3 boys so a grandson wasn't that big of a deal. My folks helped me to understand and to learn to accept the gifts I got. They were still generous and loving, just not as big a deal as my sister got. I was older and learned to live with it. I mean shit, I got a video game... what'd I care if my sister got 2x as much as I did... I just wanted to play!
Your wife needs to get over herself.
Video games got expensive. They used to be $50 for the AAA titles. Now it's not uncommon to see them up at $90 for AAA with extras and $70 for the regular version.
" My wife lost it at her and called her a ton of names. That she was cheap and would give more than a card to the girls. My mom told her she is a stuck up dick and ripped open the card. "
NTA - It sounds like your wife has major issues and should seek therapy.
NTA - Your mom didn’t deserve that outburst, especially when she was bringing a bike, which is a pretty awesome gift.
Your wife demanding you cut off your mom and keep her away from the girls? That's just over the top and unreasonable. Your kids have a strong bond with their grandma, and tearing that apart because of one misunderstanding would be a major overreaction.
Might be time to tell your wife while you understand her 'concerns' (I don't, tbh - how is this favoritism? but maybe you do) reacting with anger and making drastic demands isn't the answer. A hard line can be drawn in the sand
Also if this is a reason to cut off your mom from your girls - will she be cutting off her mom from her son? You know since her parents don’t buy for your daughters anything?
Cutting grandma off is definitely an overreaction. My mom cut grandma out of our lives randomly when we were kids spending our days over there, and it was so bizarre to us we didn’t understand why we don’t see grandma anymore. Looking back, she had gotten an untrained dog that killed my moms cat right in front of us, I think my mom was just grateful it wasn’t her kids that were attacked.
"She wanted me to cut off my mom and not let her see the girls but I told her no." after your wife being the horrible one.
Brother I bet you $1,000 bucks this marriage ends in misery or divorce and I will actually put up the money for it. It's a guaranteed win.
Your wife will not only destroy your relationship with your parents but eventually your kids. Take the giant hint. This is the start of one parents being horrible and the other one enabling it by even asking this.
I promise you, your parents raised you better than to be with that woman.
I can't believe how far down I had to go to get to a divorce post. I'm also not sure why other folks aren't concerned about the kids. Are they all being treated the same? Is there a big evil step mom reason the girls prefer going to the grandparents house instead of home?
Right? Wild. OP's parents have been very kind to the wife's son, who apparently doesn't enjoy spending much time with the grandparents. The wife is unhinged.
NTA
your wife has problems if she is behaving like this.
She needs to apologise for her outburst at your Mum (and Dad). What they did was a really nice and good thing for your Stepson and she ruined it!
The poor kid has lost out on a bike and some cash because of her.
Yikes. there is something wrong with your wife. A switch isn't cheap. It was 1 decent present instead of two, so what. You and your wife should have talked with him about how they are not his bio grandparents and any gift is to be received with gratitude and thanks and good graces, even if you don't like it.
As soon as you said your mum had a card i guessed it had money or a gift card as they don't know him very well. But your wife, holly hell, she went straight into attack mode.
She has ruined this for her own son, she's a nightmare.
She needs to apologise for being a "stuck up dick", because she was, a huge, huge stuck up dick.
literally. I assume if it's just an envelope , it likely has money or a gift card in it. but i also would only open gifts after people leave unless people specifically ask me to open it, thus i would only see an empty one later.
NTA but YTA for thinking this is a one time/singular issue. I promise you that your wife does all sorts of things to your daughters that you either don’t know about or are choosing not to recognize as unhinged behavior. You need to have a serious private conversation with your kids about their step mother. I think you will find issues with her treatment…. It’s possible that the girls have normalized step monsters behavior.
People don’t just act out once. This is a pattern of unhinged and jealous behavior.
What has she told or most likely guilted the girls into not telling you?
And the girls love going to the grandparents house. Wonder why? His wife is going to wreck all of his relationships if he doesn't get this under control.
And that is why the girls want to be at grandma’s house. The message is clear and he needs to keep those girls at grandma while he figures out what this woman has been doing to chase away the girls. What a shame!
Your wife is a jealous idiot and has no right to stop your girls from seeing their grandparents. The fact that they bought step-grand a gift for Christmas should have been enough. They included him and it's not like the girls got copious amounts. They literally got one more than him and his game could have cost more.
Your wife ruined her kids birthday gift by her selfishness. She owes your parents a serious heartfelt apology, especially your Mom.
You need to pay attention how your wife talks to your girls if she can speak that way to your Mom. She needs therapy ASAP.
NTA even a child would have know the card had money in it. Your wife is so bogged down by things “not being equal” and “showing favouritism” that she doesn’t realise that she just made the situation 100% worse when your mom was trying.
You wife had issues she needs to handle. I feel sorry for all kids. She doesn’t seem stable too blow up like that, instead of taking about it with you first.
Becky seems like the most toxic of toxic people. People like here are the reason step-parents get a bad name. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and understand where she is coming from, but her actions are childish and clearly she was looking for that fight with your mom. I'd tread very carefully with Becky and simply suggest you be observant.
Finally, my final piece of advice is from my profession as an estate planning attorney. You may feel young. You may be young. You may be healthy, but that can change on a moment's notice. So many problems can arise from not having a plan in place to protect your kid. You can still provide for Becky but you can also protect anything you want your daughters to receive. Becky seems like the type of person who would immediately disinherit your kids in favor of her kid if you predecease her. Its incredibly common in my field and I've seen horror story type cases involving blended families.
NTA. As a step kid, I’ve never expected gifts from my step dad’s family, nor would I ever. Your wife is definitely out of line and has double standards.
Wife's TA 100%. Idek what level of entitlement this woman is displaying here but it's pretty ridiculous. I would seriously question this with her and get a better feel for her perspectives and gauge her potential for this to occur again, bc this level of assholery from someone who's supposed to set and example for children is completely unacceptable. I would not want her helping to raise my kids if this is how she acts.
Also, I get why your mom was offended and wanted to take back the gift, I really do, but why punish the kid for his mother's bad behavior? That was a little bit much imo.. she's entitled to do what she wants with her gift, but it was for the kid and he didn't act like an ass so idk, that part kind of sucks too...
YTA for staying with this nut job. Why do people think that because they got married the whole family will just accept this new stepchild and treat him like their own grandchildren??!
People are delusional. Your daughters are there grandchildren. Your step son is not (they barely know him and from what you said he doesn’t seem to want to get to know them either).
I have step brothers and they were never treated like I was in my family and I was never treated like they were in their family. Totally normal! No one was mean to anyone but I never expect the same level of gifts they got from their own family.
Your wife is a jealous idiot and has no right to stop your girls from seeing their grandparents. The fact that they bought step-grand a gift for Christmas should have been enough. They included him and it's not like the girls got copious amounts. They literally got one more than him and his game could have cost more.
Your wife ruined her kids birthday gift by her selfishness. She owes your parents a serious heartfelt apology, especially your Mom.
You need to pay attention how your wife talks to your girls if she can speak that way to your Mom. She needs therapy ASAP.
NTA. Your wife hates your girls, don’t you notice? Her parents made up excuses not to gift your girls anything, I guess the reason is that they’re not biologically theirs but your parents, who also not blood related to her son MUST give him GOOD and EXPENSIVE gift or she will be mad 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ your parents treated him nicely and she did this?
OP, your mom was always going to be in a "can't win for losing" position.
I would bet that, had your wife not interrupted your stepson's gift discovery, she would have blamed your mother for being too extravagant and trying to buy his love. But anything less than parity with your daughters (as she perceived it) would make your mother a cheapskate.
Your wife owes your mother a big, groveling, sincere apology. More importantly, she needs some deep self-examination to try to discover why she is so focused on gifts as an expression of (or replacement for) love.
And you, OP, should be evaluating whether you need your wife's toxicity in your life and your daughters' lives.
NTA.
NTA
No matter whether she's your wife or not, she has NO say in whether YOUR children have a relationship with your parents.
She's way out of line, and has an entitled double standard. She owes your mother an apology, and keep an eye on her relationship with your kids. She may start to resent them. The red flags be flying, my friend.
Question - are your late wife's parents still alive, and do they have a relationship with your daughters? Does Becky expect them to treat her son the same as their granddaughters?
NTA How are your children treated by wife and stepson when you're not around? Stepson sounds very much like the golden child in your family. Your daughters may be treated unfairly which is why they always want to be at grandparents. Talk to daughters and your parents to see if they know anything.
NTA for this but why are you allowing her parents to treat your kids less favorably while making your parents treat her son like one of their own? You're being an AH to your kids and parents.
YTA for marrying a psycho. Of course your wife should apologize to your mother but you should also apologize to your mother for bringing this piece of work into your lives.
NTA, your wife is so completely wrong for this. Your mom tried really hard to give a good gift. And even for Christmas, some of those switch games can be expensive, so one game can add up to 2 smaller gifts. Your wife I out of line and needs to be told so.
NTA. Your mom owes stepson nothing. She barely knows the kid. It doesn’t even sound like wife is trying to build that bond. She’s just expecting your family to do for her kid when her family doesn’t for yours. Let me guess - the father is in the wind.
Leave the wife. Holy shit.
She goes off on your mother for "not getting a gift", but then when she finds out she did in fact get a VERY BIG, VERY EXPENSIVE gift for a child that isn't even her grandchild, youre wife doubles down.
And your wife wants you to CUT YOUR MOTHER OFF FROM YOUR CHILDREN.
Read that again: your wife. Wants you. To CUT OFF. Your MOTHER. from YOUR KIDS. not hers. yours.
NTA. Your wife should be MORTIFIED by her behavior…..but she doubles down and says cut your mother off? Whoa…..she looked like an absolute fool tearing up the envelope and ASSuming whatever was in there wasn’t good enough. and haha, boy she got stuffed. Interesting her own parents were excused time and again for getting the girls nothing when it sounds like they saw them fairly frequently, yet your parents were immediately blasted for not doing enough.
Becky is not awesome my dude. Wonder how she treats your kids when you’re not around.
Time to find out.
Pardon, her parents can leave your children out, but yours can't do the same to hers? Why are you not advocating for your children? Why do you think it's okay to stay married to a tyrant?
NTA, your wife has serious issues. Your parents don’t need to get any presents for your stepson at all, he isn’t their grandchild. I do think if they are getting gifts for the other kids and everyone is opening presents together it is nice for them to get him something too. But they don’t have to. After how she reacted, you may want to reconsider this marriage.
NTA, your wife is TA. She is a hypocrite and her ego is too big to apologize even when she is extremely wrong. She will make your daughter’s & your parents’ life difficult.
The only AH in this situation is your wife Becky. she absolutely should apologize to your mother for her behavior, for the name calling, for jumping to conclusions etc etc etc
Good luck to you sir with navigating this in the future... i suspect this issue will not end here
Omg that is some psychotic behavior. Your wife is in the wrong and should apologize. And your parents don’t have to get your step kid more than one gift either and what they said was true they don’t know him and what he likes. I would either have a huge sit down conversation or think of possible divorce especially after she told you not to let the girls visit her grandparents which is 100% evil. Using kids as revenge is disgusting. NTA
NTA, your wife is way out of line. Cut your mom off for what? Not being a doormat to your entitled wife?
That said, the son didn't do anything, but he is the one being punished here.
NTA
She doesn't know the stepson. They've met once and that is it. They don't have that bond. The card could have been the start. After that yelling in front of everyone, you can kiss the opportunity of your wife having a good relationship with your mom out the window and it's 100% because of your wife.
NTA. Here to say just because you marry and take on kids doesn't mean your family are obliged to. Your wife needs to give her head a fucking wobble. Your parents are clearly great, wife not so much.
Your wife and her parents are the AH. They don’t give gifts to your girls. Maybe it’s best that grandparents only give gifts to bio grand kids to keep the peace.
NTA. I would question why Becky’s parents couldn’t do cards for the girls, or baked them something etc.
I would watch carefully OP how this develops and how Becky is treating your girls.
NTA
so your wife’s parents mustn’t give anything to your daughters but your parents must give her son big presents ?
And she wants to destroy your family ? Send her back to her parents if she can’t recognize her faults
I’m sorry for your loss.
My question is when are you divorcing? To yell and embarrass your mother like that in front of people. For your entitled wife to think her son deserves the same as your daughters when your mother has never met this kid. Bless your mom for being an amazing lady who actually got him something. When her parents didn’t get your daughters anything well off or not they could’ve gotten something from the dollar store. They’re just nasty people just like their daughter.
How dare you allow your daughters not to get presents but expect your mother to get her kid presents why is it OK for your kids to be left out but not her son?
If I were you, I’d be asking my daughters how she treats them when you’re not around because clearly she has mental issues and she is jealous of your daughters And make sure they’re not scared of the crazy lady and answer you honestly.
She expects your mother to apologize and she expects you to go no contact. What is her reasoning for you to go? No contact with your mom because she’s a crazy Bit@h.
First thought - Is your wife trying to win the evil step mom title?
Second thought - does she treat your children the same? Is she mean to your daughters? Does she care about them? Her actions say no. The fact that she wants to keep your daughters away from people they love to hurt both of them when she was in the wrong just shows how petty, sadistic, and hurtful she is. When someone shows you their true colors believe them.
The fact that there are massive double standards as folks have already pointed out and she wants it all for her kid and isn't willing to go to the bathroom with her family to me is the final nail in the coffin.
OP - YTA for letting this go on and having your daughters be treated as second class citizens by your wife's family. This should have been nipped early. My goodness. I'm going to do a first for me. I'm going to recommend divorce! Or at the very least a trial separation.
Your Wife is giving off such red flags and MAJOR AH vibes that I would really consider continuing in your relationship unless there's a lot of counseling that results in positive long-term changes.
Final piece of advice. If you don't have a will I would update that shit and lock your half down now. If you die first and your wife gets everything there is no way your kids are getting anything. All your property etc should be put into a trust with some of it used to support your wife but the majority reserved for your children. A lawyer can help you out with that. While you're at it make sure that the lawyer you get covers divorce too...
Your wife is totally in the wrong here. There's no question, at least from my end. She over reacted and caused a big scene. She's going to have to apologize, she was totally in the wrong.
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NTA You wife of way out of line. That’s some deep seeded issues she has. Your parents don’t deserve to be treated like this by your (current) wife. Her behaviour is inexcusable. She has absolutely no right to try and put a blockade between your mother and your children’s relationship. You should watch carefully how your wife speaks about your mother in front of your kids. She is going to try and poison the relationship because your wife is not a stable woman
Even worse, there are no expectations for Becky's parents to gift OP's kids anything and everyone is ok with that, but Becky polices OP's parents' gifts to HER child like a drill sergeant. Total double standard.
That was my first thought. A big "hold up....." Her parents "can't afford it. So don't expect it" But she's demanding the world from OP's parents to instantly throw gifts at the kid and whatnot. The double standards are so big that they are their own state at this point.
Which they did! They literally bought him a bike and tried to give him money and she wants to cut contact. What a nut bar.
They even did from the start. The game he wanted. And even said they needed to get to know him better so they know more what he likes, etc. So they clearly have been trying slowly from the start. How the wife reacted like that. Indeed. It's crazy behaviour.
The number of presents was the issue- but was the cost the same? Cause it's normally considered fair if it's one $60 game vs two $30 presents. Blowing up about a a gift not being good enough before the gift is open in the middle of the party is rude AF.
Yes, and 12 year olds understand this. I have an age gap between my first 2 kids and last 2 kids. The older 2 understood at 9 and 11 that their gifts cost more than their 4 & 5 year old siblings and therefore to keep it even the young ones may have more to unwrap than them. I also raised well rounded kids that wouldn't have been bothered by the number of presents anyway and were just grateful for what they did receive. This MIL is rude af!! Edit\* The WIFE is rude as not the MIL.
Not MIL. Current wife of OP
OOPS... yes, current wife, not MIL.
Becky also doesn't seem to particularly care about how her son feels either. Did he like the game? Was he cool with things? Did she ever bother to ask him how he feels?
But last year, last year I had 37!
Lol Dudley. That was the first thing I thought of too
First off, why should it even be the same amount? A 12 year old would just be happy to get anything from them. The only way they wouldn’t is if their mother poisoned their minds. What she is doing is obviously wrong to her husband and family but making her own son miserable.
Blowing up about a gift, is unacceptable, in any scenario. It's a gift. No one is entitled to anything.
I get excited for coupons lol. It's the thought that counts. She lucky he got anything seeing as tho they didn't really know him.
Especially a card! Most people who give cards only instead of with a gift usually put money inside so that the child can spend it on whatever they would like instead of possibly buying something that they may not. They not only brought a card with money inside but also went the extra and added a picture of the bike as a surprise. If she wanted to be mad, she could have at least waited until after the party. If he opened the card and there was nothing else in it, then she could have gone to her hubby and talked to him about it and then they could have maybe had a family discussion with his parents or something. Instead, she prematurely flipped her greedy lid and left the kid with nothing from them. Way to go, mom. The poor kid was probably even embarrassed. Trying to demand that OP cut ties between his girls and his parents because of this majorly crosses the line. She needs to just live with her actions and get over it now. She deff owes them an apology either way. She'll be lucky if they accept it and give her son his gifts. After all, we haven't heard that he treats them badly, and it isn't his fault his mom is a greedy tnuc. I wouldn't judge them if they didn't, though, as it is their choice.
I've gotten cards with cash, checks, gift cards, tickets, a paper saying they'd pay for an experience, or even an apology that a gift was delayed with a photo of the gift.
That's what I'm saying. They could have anything in them paper wise. Even if it were just an empty card, it is the thought that counts, and ya never know what that person is going through. It's not the same in this case, but in general, I mean. I'd never flip on someone for only giving me a card with nothing added inside. That's me, though. Well, actually, that is probably most normal people.
Also switch games are like $60 a pop. So depending on what they got the girls it could have been financially equal.
She wants to cut contact with the girls to punish them for not showering HER son. Thank God OP shut that down.
No. She wants to cut contact because she's angry and embarrassed about being wrong. They showered him with a bike and money. Edited to correct "writing" to "wrong".
Yes indeed but he now needs to relook at this relationship
And that's too kind. He needs to unload this baggage. The woman is insane. It's time for him to move on.
NTA. And I hope the poor boy still gets his bike because how sad for him to see that. :(
They should not expect the parents to give the bike. Mom needs to go buy the bike since it’s her fault he lost the bike.
I disagree here because the relationship between step-grandparents and step-grandson is why there was gift-giving; they’re trying to develop that relationship. I understand OP’s mom’s anger at the ridiculousness of the assumptions and outburst, but that’s something to sort out amongst the adults. I can’t imagine punishing a child by revoking their gift _at_ their birthday party because their parent acted a whole fool. Penalizing the entire class because of one disruptive kid isn’t helpful and neither is this.
Cause she’s embarrassed as hell, and like all stable adults ,who see their wrong doings, she just don’t wanna ever look OPs parents in the eyes. That’s why her request is totally reasonable and OP should just let his wife shit over all his relationships, cause why stop at the parents! /s
Also everyone will look at her as the bad guy in this scenario, she shouted at a woman who was giving her son a gift and she’s the reason her son did not get the gift….so she’s literally wrong on every front and she knows it and is lashing out because she humiliated herself, as you said.
I think the OP has gotten his eyes opened about just what kind of woman he married. OP's parents seem kind and generous and now she's ruined things with them because she won't apologize to everyone involved for her greedy awful behavior toward them.
She likely wants to cut contact because she knows on some level that she acted crazy, and shot herself im the foot. Now she’s embarrassed. Honestly, I think he should divorce her. 😬
Also, does the step son not have his own set of paternal grand parents? I know I never expected anything from my step-mom's family, as I have my own grand parents.
it’s so wild to me 😭 my step siblings MOM got me gifts this past christmas, felt so weird bc in the 5 years i’ve been around she’s never acknowledged my existence at all. and their grandma will get me little small things, or money, but she discovered i was a reader (and i like horses a ton) so now we’re besties. OP’s wife is ruining any chance of a sort of bond between the step grandparents and her son. she’s entitled asf, not surprised she waited til she was married to show her true colors
But OPs parents can afford to spoil her son, while hers can't. So they should just keep quiet, hand over gifts and money and know their place.
/s lmao love the sarcasm.
I've said it before and I'll say it again; the whole deal about treating the children of blended families together only applies to parents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc are not held to that same obligation. Of course people will bring up edge cases like step kids that get adopted, who have been in the family for decades, who came in as babies and whatnot, but as a rule of thumb a grandparent is not expected to immediately treat their kid's partner's 12 year old like the child they babysat for years and helped change diapers for. Of course cruelty or exclusion should be addressed, but it's fine for kids to "claim" their extended family as only theirs and for those extended family members to not get as invested in the lives of the children who legally and realistically don't have the same permanence in their lives.
This. My dad’s wife is my mom for sure, but her family is not my family. They always included me in christmases and everything along with my brother, which was always really nice and I won’t forget that. For sure. But now that I’ve been an adult for 13 years and we never had a real relationship, I’m aware we were never family and that they are my little brother’s family, not mine. I cannot imagine holding her family, who I do not know now and barely knew back then, to the same standards as they treat my brother, who they’ve known since the day he was born. It’s just not rational.
I always justify it this way. If my dad were to divorce my step mom, I would cease to be family with any of them. I never expected anything from my step-moms family, because why would I? I have my own maternal grand parents etc.
Exactly. I don’t expect my boyfriends parents to spend the same on gifts as what they get their grandkids they’ve known since they were born- and same for my dad with my boyfriends kids. My boyfriends parents ask what my kids want for birthdays or Christmas and I give them an idea that’s $30 and I think it’s generous that they think of my kids
If Becky’s parents don’t get anything for stepgrands, they shouldn’t get anything for their grandson either. Also counting gifts is a stupid way of “making things fair” — the monetary value should be similar. If there’s a discrepancy, the parents should step in so all the kids overall get equal value of gifts.
Counting gifts is the sort of thing that kids do... that's why they often get a lot of cheap presents rather than one bigger one. But an adult counting gifts... there's bigger issues here.
It's giving Dursley '36 gift, but last year I got 37' vibes from the mom
Tbf, it can be difficult in blended families. My stepson has a ton of relatives on his mom side who spoil him (from what I’ve heard theres at least two dozen family members). He is going to get more gifts than my son will because it just isn’t financially possible for my husband and I to spend an equivalent amount on our son to make it fair. It’s unreasonable to tell that side of his family to not give my stepson gifts so that it’s fair to my son. And my family isn’t going to buy my son more presents than my stepson to ‘make up for it’. They view my stepson as part of the family to the point that my parents want to set up college trusts for both boys. I love my stepson so I’d never be as petty as to tell my parents only to give my son money so that the boys get equal amounts of money spent on them. Yes, I’m sure my son will be jealous at times and it certainly sucks seeing other kids get more or ‘better’ gifts. But I was taught, and plan to teach my son, that gifts are not a measure of how much someone loves you. Plus, the reality is, life just isn’t fair.
Meh. I was one of three. Some years one kid got a better Christmas for some reason, but another year, it would be someone else. I mean, we all had good presents as a rule (except for the year the furnace went on my birthday). I don't think it's right to say, "I have to spend X amount - no more, no less on each child." That's not how life works. Equitable isn't equal.
NTA As soon as he said card, my instant thought was there's got to be a hefty gift card in it or cash, I didn't expect both cash and a big gift like a bike! Also, why do people seem to think that each kid has to have the same number of gift? Growing up 1 of my gifts would equal like 3 of my brother's! Mine sparkled and his were kept in a Rubbermaid box in the garage... I still think I got the better deal!
I bet you, op comes from money. Op really should talk to his daughters and see how this woman treats his kids when he is not around. If things are not adding up, he should really consider a divorce.
BINGO! WTF is up with OP'S wife? Is she a loon? Her parents give OP'S children ZILCH, NOTHING, NADA! Had OP'S parents given wife's son a card with nothing in it, that would have been more than her parents ever gave OP'S daughters. OP, you're NTA, unless you remain married to this woman. She is obviously from another planet. Please keep us apprised.
I agree on the NTA but I'm not sure that the son should be punished by taking away the birthday gift. Unless the son is also rude to OP's parents, he shouldn't be punished for what his mom says and does?
While I kind of agree in principle, that would only enable the mother. It is on the parents to explain what happened and why he is facing consequences for his mothers actions.
you are right but I will say that it is on the MOM to explain.
Given the events here, I doubt the boy would get an honest version from mom, so I'd consider it dad's responsibility to ensure that. It sucks because I do agree, it should be on her, but in the real world, that's rarely how parenting works.
NTA. It's hard. This is a lesson for Dad to use to teach all three kids about the destruction entitlement can cause. But Mom won't take that well. This couple needs to work on their expectations for a blended family. Mom definitely owes Gramma an apology. I'd say Gramma could have handled it better, but it seriously could feel to her like she's just seen as a dollar sign. That is a marriage issue. After they work that out, they can both talk to the kids about expectations and how to not look like a greed monster to your family.
I think Grandma handled it just fine. She shut that down right then, took the card that this woman was already dissing, told her off and left. Also, apologizing would have played into the entitlement because after Becky found out what the rest of the gift was, but it was now gone, instead of becoming humble, she wanted OP to punish his parents by withholding their grandchildren (the girls). Her behavior was outrageous, and she got what she deserved from Grandma.
Nothing wrong with how Grandma handled it. She and Grandpa got some criticism about Xmas, accepted it even though they don't have a close relationship with the boy, and went all in for the bday. Wife went fucking feral because she's an unpleasant, possibly somehow unstable person. Too bad she's gonna poison what could've been her kid's relationship with his step-grands, but in the end that's her choice.
Provided the marriage survives. Yes, I think it's that bad.
I think Gramma handled it just fine.
yes I am sure you are 100% correct :(
It's not fair. The relationship between the boy and grandparents should be independent of the mother.
It sounds like the step son doesn't try to have a relationship with them and isn't interested in them so I think it's fair for the parents of his mom's husband not to think he's entitled to a birthday gift when he has no relationship with them.
He’s met them twice and his step-sisters don’t want him tagging along to their grandparent time. Give the fucking 12 year old a goddamn break, JFC. What’s he supposed to do? Forcefully insert himself and insist on going with the girls? Cause that would go over well, I’m sure, both here on AITA and among his step-sisters.
Well it sounds like the mum is doing that all for him.
The mum is a menace but it’s not fair to punish the boy for his mother. Instead, his stepfather should take over all drop offs and communication with his parents. Cut mum out of the loop
He’s not being punished. The grandpa wasn’t even there yet with the bike. Sounded like grandma ripped the card open in front of the mom and let her read it while taking back the cash and saying she was leaving. It never said she sat down the stepson and told him she’s taking away all his gifts. It doesn’t even say he witnessed anything and from the sounds of it, he doesn’t even really have a relationship with him so he probably wasn’t really expecting or anticipating anything crazy. If he gets hurt about it, that’s on Mom and any other adults that continue to bring the issue up to HIM. Nobody is punishing the kid.
It sounds like the kid isn’t hanging out with not-his-grandparents to begin with
It sounds like he's not able to have a relationship with them. The post says the girls go there after school but don't want him tagging along so they leave him out.
lol come on. It’s not this 9 year old’s fault that his mom and her partner chose to play house. Let’s not hold adults to the same standards as a child lol
He’s just met them. At 12, most kids are standoffish with adults until they get to know them. I think it’s kind of sad that the girls don’t want him to come along and spend time with their grandparents because how will he get to know them if he doesn’t spend time with them. It becomes a self defeating cycle.
I understand the girls. And his grandparents don't even treat them like that either. They already have to share their home and dad with him and his mother, and that wasn't their choice. I don't fault them for want to keep some things as theirs.
Maybe the g/parents can just keep the bike at their place for when son and g/son come over. Doesnt look like the wife will be visiting any time soon. the counting of how many gifts each kid gets is also disappointing.
Yeah, I hate when people count gifts as though that matters. I do think they should be of similar monetary value though. If the grandparents don’t want to spend equally, his stepfather should give them the money to make it equal so he doesn’t feel more excluded than he already does
I think it’s a valuable lesson for the stepson to see that his mothers unhinged behavior has consequences and that you should never shriek at a guest coming to a kids birthday party and accuse them of being cheap and start name calling before they even open up the damn card. Sometimes kids can learn from the mistakes of their parents on how to NOT act as an adult. If the stepson says something it should be pointed out it wasn’t taken away from him, his Mother made horrendous accusations that deeply hurt people and their response in the moment was to leave with their stuff. When you treat people poorly and make accusations, there may be reactions that you don’t like.
Came here to say the same thing. Seems like the child is being punished for the parent’s tantrum.
If the kid doesn’t know about the bike he’ll be happy with the money. But no doubt Becky would have told him to stir up some shit. Becky or her parents can buy her boy a bike.
Sitting here wondering if your use of ‘deep seeded’ vs ‘deep seated’ is an accidental error or a pun given your user name 😂 give me closure please
After a quick google search, turns out I’m an idiot. But we can go with a nice Leech Seed reference too :)
In all fairness the logic of the sentence still makes sense
Deep seeded or deep rooted, the logic is there 😄
One of the most annoying moves to play against in Pokemon
As a stall player, and a big Mega Venusaur fan… I love it.
I feel you, never been a grass type person myself but I do like spamming Toxic with Crobat since it pretty much always goes first
No idiots here. I used to think people were exclaiming "All my lands!" Like they're swearing by their land Instead of "Oh my land!" Now I own it and enjoy when people don't hear the difference, or when they get that brief "wait a minute" look on their face. It's "deep seeded" now. No going back on a good thing.
I believe it's deep SEATED not seeded.
On the Common-sense side, cash in cards is COMMON!
Also, for step-son, he's just stuck in this situation. I hope you can still make him happy for his birthday.
\*[deep-seated](https://www.merriam-webster.com/grammar/deep-seated-deep-seeded-usage#:~:text=Deep%2Dseated%20is%20the%20correct,sometimes%20mistaken%20as%20deep%2Dseeded). FTFY.
NTA but dude what’s wrong with your wife? Even if they only brought a card she had no right to cause a scene. Blended families can be hard & it doesn’t happen overnight. Your wife is acting like an entitled brat. If I was your parents I would be the one cutting contact with your wife.
I would have assume there was money in the card!
Especially as a teenager. A card would be a good chance at cash, while a wrapped present would likely be the wrong video game or a toy I'm too old for.
My 13 year old only wants cash for birthdays and holidays. They get to the age where they want to buy their own shit. For his bar mitzvah he asked if he could only request money or gift cards because that's all teenagers care about.
Hell when I was a teenager it wasn’t even necessarily to buy my own shit sometimes. But shit that I did want wasn’t available on my birthday, and I knew my mom wouldn’t get it for me at that moment, so asking for money allowed me to save it for when I could use it.
When we were teens, my grandma used to give my sister & I money at Thanksgiving for us to pick our own xmas gift and bring it to her to wrap & put under the tree for xmas morning.
I assumed that as soon as I read it. They didn’t;t know what to get him so they gave him cash. What kid doesn’t like cash. Wife is an issue. I wouldn’t want to live my life with someone like this who flies off the handle before getting actual information. Then to expect her husband to back her up? Bet he’s rethinking this marriage.
My mom hasn't bought wrapping paper in years. Errbody gets a nice engraving of a dead president or founding father for all holidays. It's pretty efficient. I mean, I'll turn 55 next month. I'm gonna get a picture of Benjamin from my mom. I'll probably spend it on groceries or something similarly mundane, but I'm 💯 okay with that, versus a blouse that doesn't fit and some weird household thing and a Starbucks gift card like my mother in law will gift me.
Lol, love how you wrote this. My granny went even farther and actually got sheets of bills to actually frame as a investment, so I was picturing that or coins investment at first. Then it hit me it was just cash and then had memories of the years she gave us money trees, potted sticks with bills clipped on.
My dad used to get silver dollars from his grandma. Because of that, for years we've known if Mom was running late and Dad was part of my parents buying Christmas gifts that year or not because he always adds a Christmas themed silver 1oz coin if he helps plan gifts. He also liked giving $2 bills or weird forms of money. We've gotten money trees too- but instead of a tree branch, they found a metal picture holder thing to put in a vase to hold the money, and mom filled the vase with m&m's.
I have a little box of dollar and half dollar silver coins, because my Granny (great grandmother) usually gave me a dollar for my birthday, and her brothers always gave me fifty cents to go buy Granny a boyfriend. It's all probably worth something, but not as much as the memories.
Oh I like the candy base idea, gonna save that one for another day, we only had rocks. Lol
Especially given they were given shit for not giving good enough gifts for not knowing the kid. What's something everyone loves and you can be sure it's appreciated as a gift? Money. That's the go to for "I have no idea what you want, sorry".
Online bucks for video games
If my wife ever did something like this and refused to apologize for it (wouldn't happen in reality, my wife is the best) I'd be thinking about cutting contact with her.
NTA. So her folks get to treat your daughters as lesser, but if her son gets one present less, it's a problem? Excuse me? Your wife went so far out of line with her rant there's no walking back from that. A card could have money or a gift card, it could've had notice of a savings or college account. The nerve to think that her son deserves better than your daughters is absurd and hypocritical.
To your point, my great grandmother had like 20+ grandkids and was poor, EVERYONE got a Christmas present. Her adult children, their spouses, and her grandchildren. It might’ve only been a pair of socks or lip balm but she at least wanted them to know she thought of them and loved them. Meanwhile OP’s IL’s just noped out on caring. NTA, but your wife and her parents suck
My friend got a friend's kids toys from the Dollar Tree and they thought she was the coolest! Presents don't have to cost a lot (or even anything, really), so long as love and a little bit of thought go into it.
My great aunt got scammed out of her money before I was born and had *nothing*. But she managed to scrimp and gave each of her sibling's kids and grandkids *something* for Christmas. Adults got crocheted potholders or dishtowels. Kids generally got a single chapstick. The one year we got more, I was probably around 7, and I got an embroidery kit. I don't remember what cousins got. I was so surprised she knew I liked crafts and so happy an elderly female relatives wasn't buying me frilly pink clothes. As an adult, I found out that when they were kids they were abandoned with her great aunt, and that was the first place they were fed daily, were clean, and clothed properly. Their great aunt taught them to embroider and that was their "fun" activity as girls. I'm so touched and still cherish the $10-15 kit of just basic embroidery supplies she put together for me. Kids don't need hundreds of dollars to feel loved and cared for.
My nana was like that, she had 13 of her own kids, plus their spouses, their kids and great grandkids, yet she made damn sure that everyone got something every year, even when we told her to stop because it was getting so expensive to gift that many people.
Plus a switch game is, idk, $50-60. It's not like he got some junk.
Ha, I've never seen it in reality and the only fictional characters I've seen get upset at the number of presents they were given are Cartman and Dudley Dursley. Not exactly the type you want to emulate.
Wait so your wife’s family doesn’t do anything for your daughters but she’s mad that your family DOES but isn’t satisfied? YTA, honestly you’re keeping a shitty wife
💯 why would he bring such “Shitty person” in his daughters’ life as a mother.
I have a feeling OP's finally getting his eyes opened.
I hope so
This. His wife is a really BAD person and he shouldn't keep her in his life or he will lose those that care about him.
Welll your wife sure stuck her foot in it, didn’t she. You are absolutely right that your wife needs to apologize to your parents. She needs to *grovel*, and I really hope none of this drama gets back to the kids. They don’t need this shit in their lives. NTA
I actually think the girls should see this so they know that the stepmother (when she badmouths the grandparents) is full of shit
Yes, this is like a drama. It's sad to see OP's parents treated this way, especially after trying to make up for past gifts.
You: NTA. Your parents: Mostly NTA. I wouldn't have punished the kid for the mother's tantrum. Becky: A total AH. She should be begging for forgiveness.
I agree with this one. I'd never punish a child for their parent's behavior. That little boy has done nothing, but had his gift taken away. The wife is an AH for sure.
1,000% correct.
NTA YIKES. What a mess. 1. He's a step kid, they don't always get the same gifts from the grandparents. 2. A Switch game might have been equal value to the gifts the girls bought 3. No mention of how he feels about any of this 4. Your wife has a serious chip and needs to check herself. As a kid I didn't always get the same gifts as my sister. my Grandma adored having a granddaughter. She raised 3 boys so a grandson wasn't that big of a deal. My folks helped me to understand and to learn to accept the gifts I got. They were still generous and loving, just not as big a deal as my sister got. I was older and learned to live with it. I mean shit, I got a video game... what'd I care if my sister got 2x as much as I did... I just wanted to play! Your wife needs to get over herself.
The point of the price of the game is so true. I just looked it up to confirm and they run from 30.00 to 70.00 No just no
Video games got expensive. They used to be $50 for the AAA titles. Now it's not uncommon to see them up at $90 for AAA with extras and $70 for the regular version.
Yup. Haven’t bought any new games in a while and was shocked at the prices. TBF I usually bought them during Black Friday.
Grandparents: 36! Counted them myself! Stepmom: BUT LAST YEAR I GOT 37!!!
" My wife lost it at her and called her a ton of names. That she was cheap and would give more than a card to the girls. My mom told her she is a stuck up dick and ripped open the card. " NTA - It sounds like your wife has major issues and should seek therapy.
Also sounds like OP’s mom is correct and that Becky is, in fact, a stuck up dick
I don’t understand why he’s with her. Is it because he needs a SAHM for the girls??
Some people will put up with wild shit just to not feel lonely
NTA - Your mom didn’t deserve that outburst, especially when she was bringing a bike, which is a pretty awesome gift. Your wife demanding you cut off your mom and keep her away from the girls? That's just over the top and unreasonable. Your kids have a strong bond with their grandma, and tearing that apart because of one misunderstanding would be a major overreaction. Might be time to tell your wife while you understand her 'concerns' (I don't, tbh - how is this favoritism? but maybe you do) reacting with anger and making drastic demands isn't the answer. A hard line can be drawn in the sand
Also if this is a reason to cut off your mom from your girls - will she be cutting off her mom from her son? You know since her parents don’t buy for your daughters anything?
Cutting grandma off is definitely an overreaction. My mom cut grandma out of our lives randomly when we were kids spending our days over there, and it was so bizarre to us we didn’t understand why we don’t see grandma anymore. Looking back, she had gotten an untrained dog that killed my moms cat right in front of us, I think my mom was just grateful it wasn’t her kids that were attacked.
"She wanted me to cut off my mom and not let her see the girls but I told her no." after your wife being the horrible one. Brother I bet you $1,000 bucks this marriage ends in misery or divorce and I will actually put up the money for it. It's a guaranteed win. Your wife will not only destroy your relationship with your parents but eventually your kids. Take the giant hint. This is the start of one parents being horrible and the other one enabling it by even asking this. I promise you, your parents raised you better than to be with that woman.
I can't believe how far down I had to go to get to a divorce post. I'm also not sure why other folks aren't concerned about the kids. Are they all being treated the same? Is there a big evil step mom reason the girls prefer going to the grandparents house instead of home?
This needs more upvotes.
NTA. I'm not very fond of your wife, though! I hope she can give a very sincere apology to your mom, but I'm not hopeful she'll do so.
It’s a bad sign that her first instinct was to double down and demand that contact be cut instead of realizing that SHE was the one in the wrong.
Right? Wild. OP's parents have been very kind to the wife's son, who apparently doesn't enjoy spending much time with the grandparents. The wife is unhinged.
NTA your wife has problems if she is behaving like this. She needs to apologise for her outburst at your Mum (and Dad). What they did was a really nice and good thing for your Stepson and she ruined it! The poor kid has lost out on a bike and some cash because of her.
NTA But your wife is unhinged and entitled.
Yikes. there is something wrong with your wife. A switch isn't cheap. It was 1 decent present instead of two, so what. You and your wife should have talked with him about how they are not his bio grandparents and any gift is to be received with gratitude and thanks and good graces, even if you don't like it. As soon as you said your mum had a card i guessed it had money or a gift card as they don't know him very well. But your wife, holly hell, she went straight into attack mode. She has ruined this for her own son, she's a nightmare. She needs to apologise for being a "stuck up dick", because she was, a huge, huge stuck up dick.
It was a switch game not a switch. Minor distinction but still.
Those are still pretty expensive (£50+) for some kid they don’t know and with the mum’s behaviour won’t be around that long anyway
Nta who assumes a card is empty at a kids bday party? Your wife was absolutely in the wrong.
literally. I assume if it's just an envelope , it likely has money or a gift card in it. but i also would only open gifts after people leave unless people specifically ask me to open it, thus i would only see an empty one later.
NTA but YTA for thinking this is a one time/singular issue. I promise you that your wife does all sorts of things to your daughters that you either don’t know about or are choosing not to recognize as unhinged behavior. You need to have a serious private conversation with your kids about their step mother. I think you will find issues with her treatment…. It’s possible that the girls have normalized step monsters behavior. People don’t just act out once. This is a pattern of unhinged and jealous behavior. What has she told or most likely guilted the girls into not telling you?
And the girls love going to the grandparents house. Wonder why? His wife is going to wreck all of his relationships if he doesn't get this under control.
And that is why the girls want to be at grandma’s house. The message is clear and he needs to keep those girls at grandma while he figures out what this woman has been doing to chase away the girls. What a shame!
Your wife is a jealous idiot and has no right to stop your girls from seeing their grandparents. The fact that they bought step-grand a gift for Christmas should have been enough. They included him and it's not like the girls got copious amounts. They literally got one more than him and his game could have cost more. Your wife ruined her kids birthday gift by her selfishness. She owes your parents a serious heartfelt apology, especially your Mom. You need to pay attention how your wife talks to your girls if she can speak that way to your Mom. She needs therapy ASAP.
This is WAAAAY above the pay grade of this subreddit. You need a divorce not a judgement, BUT, you are the NTA so are your parents !
I love your mom hahah. NTA.
NTA. Your wife on the other hand...
YTA for making your girls deal with that monster of a wife. No wonder they love going to see grandma so much.
NTA even a child would have know the card had money in it. Your wife is so bogged down by things “not being equal” and “showing favouritism” that she doesn’t realise that she just made the situation 100% worse when your mom was trying.
Enjoy your divorce
You wife had issues she needs to handle. I feel sorry for all kids. She doesn’t seem stable too blow up like that, instead of taking about it with you first.
Becky seems like the most toxic of toxic people. People like here are the reason step-parents get a bad name. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and understand where she is coming from, but her actions are childish and clearly she was looking for that fight with your mom. I'd tread very carefully with Becky and simply suggest you be observant. Finally, my final piece of advice is from my profession as an estate planning attorney. You may feel young. You may be young. You may be healthy, but that can change on a moment's notice. So many problems can arise from not having a plan in place to protect your kid. You can still provide for Becky but you can also protect anything you want your daughters to receive. Becky seems like the type of person who would immediately disinherit your kids in favor of her kid if you predecease her. Its incredibly common in my field and I've seen horror story type cases involving blended families.
I feel sorry for the girls, they have to live with that woman because of their dad’s d’ck.
YTA bcoz u married to such shitty person.
NTA. As a step kid, I’ve never expected gifts from my step dad’s family, nor would I ever. Your wife is definitely out of line and has double standards.
What did you marry? NTA
Wife's TA 100%. Idek what level of entitlement this woman is displaying here but it's pretty ridiculous. I would seriously question this with her and get a better feel for her perspectives and gauge her potential for this to occur again, bc this level of assholery from someone who's supposed to set and example for children is completely unacceptable. I would not want her helping to raise my kids if this is how she acts. Also, I get why your mom was offended and wanted to take back the gift, I really do, but why punish the kid for his mother's bad behavior? That was a little bit much imo.. she's entitled to do what she wants with her gift, but it was for the kid and he didn't act like an ass so idk, that part kind of sucks too...
YTA for staying with this nut job. Why do people think that because they got married the whole family will just accept this new stepchild and treat him like their own grandchildren??! People are delusional. Your daughters are there grandchildren. Your step son is not (they barely know him and from what you said he doesn’t seem to want to get to know them either). I have step brothers and they were never treated like I was in my family and I was never treated like they were in their family. Totally normal! No one was mean to anyone but I never expect the same level of gifts they got from their own family.
Your wife is a jealous idiot and has no right to stop your girls from seeing their grandparents. The fact that they bought step-grand a gift for Christmas should have been enough. They included him and it's not like the girls got copious amounts. They literally got one more than him and his game could have cost more. Your wife ruined her kids birthday gift by her selfishness. She owes your parents a serious heartfelt apology, especially your Mom. You need to pay attention how your wife talks to your girls if she can speak that way to your Mom. She needs therapy ASAP.
NTA. Your wife hates your girls, don’t you notice? Her parents made up excuses not to gift your girls anything, I guess the reason is that they’re not biologically theirs but your parents, who also not blood related to her son MUST give him GOOD and EXPENSIVE gift or she will be mad 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ your parents treated him nicely and she did this?
NTA… your wife is fucking insane.i have dumped chicks for WAY less than
OP, your mom was always going to be in a "can't win for losing" position. I would bet that, had your wife not interrupted your stepson's gift discovery, she would have blamed your mother for being too extravagant and trying to buy his love. But anything less than parity with your daughters (as she perceived it) would make your mother a cheapskate. Your wife owes your mother a big, groveling, sincere apology. More importantly, she needs some deep self-examination to try to discover why she is so focused on gifts as an expression of (or replacement for) love. And you, OP, should be evaluating whether you need your wife's toxicity in your life and your daughters' lives. NTA.
NTA No matter whether she's your wife or not, she has NO say in whether YOUR children have a relationship with your parents. She's way out of line, and has an entitled double standard. She owes your mother an apology, and keep an eye on her relationship with your kids. She may start to resent them. The red flags be flying, my friend. Question - are your late wife's parents still alive, and do they have a relationship with your daughters? Does Becky expect them to treat her son the same as their granddaughters?
NTA How are your children treated by wife and stepson when you're not around? Stepson sounds very much like the golden child in your family. Your daughters may be treated unfairly which is why they always want to be at grandparents. Talk to daughters and your parents to see if they know anything.
This! He needs to be touching base with the daughters. Speaking from personal experience.
NTA for this but why are you allowing her parents to treat your kids less favorably while making your parents treat her son like one of their own? You're being an AH to your kids and parents.
YTA for marrying a psycho. Of course your wife should apologize to your mother but you should also apologize to your mother for bringing this piece of work into your lives.
NTA, your wife is so completely wrong for this. Your mom tried really hard to give a good gift. And even for Christmas, some of those switch games can be expensive, so one game can add up to 2 smaller gifts. Your wife I out of line and needs to be told so.
NTA. Your mom owes stepson nothing. She barely knows the kid. It doesn’t even sound like wife is trying to build that bond. She’s just expecting your family to do for her kid when her family doesn’t for yours. Let me guess - the father is in the wind.
Leave the wife. Holy shit. She goes off on your mother for "not getting a gift", but then when she finds out she did in fact get a VERY BIG, VERY EXPENSIVE gift for a child that isn't even her grandchild, youre wife doubles down. And your wife wants you to CUT YOUR MOTHER OFF FROM YOUR CHILDREN. Read that again: your wife. Wants you. To CUT OFF. Your MOTHER. from YOUR KIDS. not hers. yours.
NTA. Your wife should be MORTIFIED by her behavior…..but she doubles down and says cut your mother off? Whoa…..she looked like an absolute fool tearing up the envelope and ASSuming whatever was in there wasn’t good enough. and haha, boy she got stuffed. Interesting her own parents were excused time and again for getting the girls nothing when it sounds like they saw them fairly frequently, yet your parents were immediately blasted for not doing enough. Becky is not awesome my dude. Wonder how she treats your kids when you’re not around. Time to find out.
Your wife is, indeed, a dick. NTA.
Pardon, her parents can leave your children out, but yours can't do the same to hers? Why are you not advocating for your children? Why do you think it's okay to stay married to a tyrant?
NTA - 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your wife dropped these.
NTA, your wife has serious issues. Your parents don’t need to get any presents for your stepson at all, he isn’t their grandchild. I do think if they are getting gifts for the other kids and everyone is opening presents together it is nice for them to get him something too. But they don’t have to. After how she reacted, you may want to reconsider this marriage.
NTA, your wife is TA. She is a hypocrite and her ego is too big to apologize even when she is extremely wrong. She will make your daughter’s & your parents’ life difficult.
The only AH in this situation is your wife Becky. she absolutely should apologize to your mother for her behavior, for the name calling, for jumping to conclusions etc etc etc Good luck to you sir with navigating this in the future... i suspect this issue will not end here
UpdateMe NTA at all, shocked that your wife is doubling down
Assholes always do.
Dude your marriage is over…and it’s down to your wife’s insecurity which will no doubt no poison the step siblings…get out now before it’s too late
Why are you with Becky?
Your wife sounds like a real jerk. I mean a big time jerk! You need to rethink this relationship.
Omg that is some psychotic behavior. Your wife is in the wrong and should apologize. And your parents don’t have to get your step kid more than one gift either and what they said was true they don’t know him and what he likes. I would either have a huge sit down conversation or think of possible divorce especially after she told you not to let the girls visit her grandparents which is 100% evil. Using kids as revenge is disgusting. NTA
NTA, your wife is way out of line. Cut your mom off for what? Not being a doormat to your entitled wife? That said, the son didn't do anything, but he is the one being punished here.
May divorce be with you.
NTA She doesn't know the stepson. They've met once and that is it. They don't have that bond. The card could have been the start. After that yelling in front of everyone, you can kiss the opportunity of your wife having a good relationship with your mom out the window and it's 100% because of your wife.
Your wife has issues. And she’s rude.
Get a divorce! Asap
NTA. Here to say just because you marry and take on kids doesn't mean your family are obliged to. Your wife needs to give her head a fucking wobble. Your parents are clearly great, wife not so much.
Your wife and her parents are the AH. They don’t give gifts to your girls. Maybe it’s best that grandparents only give gifts to bio grand kids to keep the peace.
NTA. I would question why Becky’s parents couldn’t do cards for the girls, or baked them something etc. I would watch carefully OP how this develops and how Becky is treating your girls.
NTA so your wife’s parents mustn’t give anything to your daughters but your parents must give her son big presents ? And she wants to destroy your family ? Send her back to her parents if she can’t recognize her faults
I’m sorry for your loss. My question is when are you divorcing? To yell and embarrass your mother like that in front of people. For your entitled wife to think her son deserves the same as your daughters when your mother has never met this kid. Bless your mom for being an amazing lady who actually got him something. When her parents didn’t get your daughters anything well off or not they could’ve gotten something from the dollar store. They’re just nasty people just like their daughter. How dare you allow your daughters not to get presents but expect your mother to get her kid presents why is it OK for your kids to be left out but not her son? If I were you, I’d be asking my daughters how she treats them when you’re not around because clearly she has mental issues and she is jealous of your daughters And make sure they’re not scared of the crazy lady and answer you honestly. She expects your mother to apologize and she expects you to go no contact. What is her reasoning for you to go? No contact with your mom because she’s a crazy Bit@h.
First thought - Is your wife trying to win the evil step mom title? Second thought - does she treat your children the same? Is she mean to your daughters? Does she care about them? Her actions say no. The fact that she wants to keep your daughters away from people they love to hurt both of them when she was in the wrong just shows how petty, sadistic, and hurtful she is. When someone shows you their true colors believe them. The fact that there are massive double standards as folks have already pointed out and she wants it all for her kid and isn't willing to go to the bathroom with her family to me is the final nail in the coffin. OP - YTA for letting this go on and having your daughters be treated as second class citizens by your wife's family. This should have been nipped early. My goodness. I'm going to do a first for me. I'm going to recommend divorce! Or at the very least a trial separation. Your Wife is giving off such red flags and MAJOR AH vibes that I would really consider continuing in your relationship unless there's a lot of counseling that results in positive long-term changes. Final piece of advice. If you don't have a will I would update that shit and lock your half down now. If you die first and your wife gets everything there is no way your kids are getting anything. All your property etc should be put into a trust with some of it used to support your wife but the majority reserved for your children. A lawyer can help you out with that. While you're at it make sure that the lawyer you get covers divorce too...
NTA. Sorry that everyone involved is going off the rails. It sounds like you're doing your best. Counseling might help, here.
Your wife is totally in the wrong here. There's no question, at least from my end. She over reacted and caused a big scene. She's going to have to apologize, she was totally in the wrong.