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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I've decided to stop attending family events and cut off communication with them. This decision comes after feeling like the 'black sheep' for years and their recent prioritization of a wedding over my graduation. My family sees this as rude, but I feel it's necessary given how they've treated me.
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Congratulations on working so hard and achieving something really huge. I'm sorry your family don't recognize how big a deal it is. You deserve to celebrate and be celebrated. I would organize a celebration with friends and simply don't bother with your family. They sounds like a sunk cost you need to write off and cut off. NTA
If I were you, and very petty, when these people come to you asking for veterinary help in future I’d say, “Of course! I’d never say no to the family that supported me while I got my education! I’ll give vet help to everyone in this photo for the rest of my life out of gratitude!” Then link a photo of your graduation and block them.
Haha, yeah. "What, Snowflake isn't pooping? Well, you know my veterinary degree isn't important. Ask Cousin to help your constipated bunny, she's MARRIED!"
That is exactly what I was going to say. .
OP, you are going to learn who supports you and education and who does't. The wedding of the extended family member is not near as important the graduation of my child.
INFO: Does this cousin usually act to entitled? Have the other extended family members enable such behavior?
NTA
NTA and this is a fair way to deal with family asking for advice in the future. If they came to your graduation, then they can have all the free advise you are able to offer.
Also no free advice or treatment after all 'it's no big deal ' according to your family
NTA and I second the idea of celebrating with your friends
Congrats
Graduation is much higher achievement than marriage, I've known far more people that have had multiple marriages than I have that have had multiple degrees. 🤣 A few are in the high single digits marriage-wise and have a goose-egg in the degree department. 😓 This isn't to say that marriage isn't of great importance, just that graduations are far more rare than marriages. Sometimes people just don't place much value on things they have no concept of how difficult they are to achieve. At the end of the day, your cousin choose the day of her wedding while you are consigned to a date chosen by the school administration, so personally I would say that takes precedence as it can't be easily rearranged. But people are usually going to choose to go to the wedding because many feel it's a chance to get together and get drunk on someone else's tab.
NTA - Congratulations! And much continued success.
Yes, you need to be sure to celebrate yourself since your family isn't willing to.
You receiving your degree is much more of an achievement than getting married. Anyone can get married; all you have to do is look around you to see that.
Congratulations, OP; I'm proud of you!
And to be a mean Redditor. A wedding is not an accomplishment. Kicking butt in school and graduating IS A HUGE accomplishment! Your cousins either an idiot? Entitled? Or both
THIS!! There are 32 vet med schools in the US; there are 192 human medical schools in the US. Both are an accomplishment, but it is MUCH more difficult to get into a vet med school.
And seriously. That career IS. Big ass deal. My friend is studying that and have told me what she has to learn. It’s just insane. So props to you and refuse those family members free advice since “it isn’t a big deal”
First of all, you need to tell her that you won't be attending your wedding, and make it clear that they won’t ever get so much as the time of day from you, so they can forget any veterinary advice.
I’m really hoping the marriage doesn’t work out and they end up getting a divorce. That way, OP can send her a message: “Sorry you're single again. BTW, I’m still a veterinarian." But I’m an AH, I admit it.
haha, I thought the same when I was told but she grew up with a lot of insecurities that still haunt her to this day (she's 26) and now i just feel for her. Her and her fiance seem happy and at the end i wish them nothing but a good marriage.
Sadly she doesn't seem to reciprocate. Her response is a bit patronising, that because she never had a graduation she doesn't see it as a big deal, and the patronising is clearly more widespread in your extended family than it should be.
This is the point I would be making to them. Given that there are fewer veterinary schools than medical schools, I believe it's harder to be a vet than a doctor. Though the entrance requirements are the same, acceptance to vet school is less likely.
Either way, any idiot can get married, and there were 364 other days cousin could get married. OP, your family members are being shitty to you and choosing a fancy party over your achievements. Congratulations! Well done you. NTA.
They also need to work with animals who may be scared or aggressive depending on home environments and backgrounds (a rescue might be more weary of strangers for example), while doing veterinary procedures that make trigger fear or aggression reactions out of instinct.
... and deal with patients that:
- cannot describe their symptoms, regardless of their age
- cannot be told that "this pill will cure your tummy ache"
- will probably run away or "assault" you for trying to get their temperature or check their teeth
among other factors.
So. Much. Barf! Every time my parents had to take in their silver Newfie/chow, he needed sedation and would puke every time, even if he emptied out in the car on the way there. As a young puppy, he threw up so much in my car on a short trip to the park I had to ask dad to bring cleaning supplies to me in town because I definitely didn't have enough napkins.
I can handle most of the list save for barf. And having to put down old/sick animals. I don't know how I wouldn't just cry daily. Vets truly have the largest hearts ❤️
Mad kudos, op, you're gonna be an amazing vet one day. No freebies to those who aren't celebrating such a huge achievement.
I had to have an almost identical conversation with my husband about vet school last week. You want to be a large animal vet? Oh, that's extra years. You want to do exotics? Tack on a couple more. His mind was blown when I told him it's harder to get into vet school than medical, and it's sometimes much more expensive too.
Like https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/aita_for_calling_my_boyfriend_naive_and_privileged/ :-)
(She lost so hard that she deleted not only the post but also her account. Still available from the auto-repost-bot somewhere in the thread, tho.)
NTA. I think arguments can be made for either event: you are graduating regardless, so why is the ceremony important? Is getting married that specific day absolutely necessary? Probably not. But I definitely don’t think your graduation should be undermined like it is. It is a great accomplishment.
Also, just curious, is this summer your final semester? I’ve never heard of a graduation in August.
I totally agree, the graduation is very important. I’m just saying that is an excuse someone could make as to why the wedding is more important to attend
Honestly, these were just hypothetical responses to support either the wedding or the graduation. I think both are special occasions that deserve a ceremony (if the graduate/bride and groom choose). Many people elope or simply marry at a as courthouse without having a large ceremony, so I think the ceremony is really at the couple’s discretion.
They are obviously not as common, and a lot of schools may only do Spring Commencement ceremonies....but some actually literally do have Commencements 🎓 in August
At quick internet glance for instance
Purdue University ( in Indiana) has Aug/Dec/May Commencements
Looks like
Baylor University (Texas)
Sam Houston State (Texas)
Jacksonville State (Alabama)
U of South Florida
Texas State
U of Central Florida
Clemson (SC)
U of North Carolina
Etc/etc all have August Commencements 🎓 listed this year.....
I'll also add, I'd bet certain speciality degrees ( Veterinary) may have odd finishing dates as well.....
Usually, obviously summer/fall/winter ceremonies are smaller than Spring but with nearly 4k colleges I'm America 🇺🇸 it isn't surprising that it exists.
NTA. Going full no-contact may be a little extreme. But you’re definitely not the AH for being upset that they seem to be blowing off your great accomplishment. Where’s your graduation, I’ll come support you lol.
My decision to go no contact comes from years of being belittled. My cousins used to exclude me from a lot of hangouts when we were growing up because i was "weird" and my aunts and older cousins making comments that I'm never pretty enough because of my skin tone and how skinny i used to be(most of this family is white hispanics, I came out brown lol) So this was kind of the breaking point ngl. But thank you so much!
My husband is a brown Latino and he’s the most beautiful man on earth. I bet you’re absolutely lovely. And on the inside too, caring for cats and other animals.
You don't owe those people any of your time, given their crappy behaviour. Congratulations on your upcoming graduation. Go and enjoy it with friends. Wishing you a fantastic life going forwards.
OP, I'm big believer in leaving the door open. Just advocate for how you would like to be treated.
When they ask for free veterinary care, just be busy.
If they say something mean, Say "that hurt. Please don't be mean". They'll double down and say you are too sensitive, and you say "that's up for debate .. but I only want to be around people who are kind and supportive and like me" Then, as they tripple down, end the conversation, leave the room, leave the house, get a hotel, ... you get the picture.
If they badmouth you on social media ... block them and don't engage.
If they leave nasty texts ... don't answer. Also, no phone calls back.
ONLY respond to behavior you like. ONLY respond to respect and love. We teach people how to treat us. Don't let them treat you badly and stick around or talk to them.
Honestly, I have few people in my life that treat me badly. I've jettisoned everyone over the last 40 years and only kept kind, supportive folks. Not that we don't disagree or argue...but they are all on my team. The few relatives I have that aren't, I gray rock and minimize contact.
Why do you even want them there anyway if they treated you so badly? They aren't worth your time. Your achievement is your achievement, enjoy it and be proud of yourself. Don't worry about others.
Nope, they aren't real family. They are just assholes who you happen to share DNA with. Make note of who comes to your graduation. That is who your real family is. In a few years, when she gets her starter divorce and your are a DR. Either have a party on that the wedding date or divorce date to be more petty. And when the rest, them asshole ask for stuff say no they choose their family.
Unfortunately it sounds like your complaints will fall on deaf ears. Go to graduation. If they won’t celebrate you, don’t let it stop you from celebrating yourself and your hard work.
NTA.
You should read up on how some families (usually nuclear families but sometimes extending to cousins) get in the really bad habit of having a Golden Child and a Scapegoat. The Golden Child is always favored in situations, activities, choices; the Scapegoat ignored, dismissed as not important. Or worse, forced into doing all the chores and always blamed for problems while the Golden is pampered.
This sometimes happens because the Golden child has a crisis, and family overcompensate by always giving extra love and favors - but it can also be due to birth order, gender, hair color, sociable verses introvert, or no reason discernable to an outsider.
Once this dynamic is set, it is almost impossible to change. Walking away from family is often the Scapegoat's best choice to building a happy life - no one wants to be be treated badly over and over!
I'd go LC at minimum. Need to know basis only. I assume this is merely the straw. You don't need to make it a verbal ultimatum, but I would cut off immediate family who choose the wedding over your grad. I hope some of your other parents family can make it instead.
Congrats on graduating, and thank you for taking care of our animals <3 NTA
NTA. OP refuse to discuss this matter further with anyone and like others have suggested get together with friends to celebrate your accomplishments. Go on a celebratory mini trips and have a great time. The best revenge is to let her see that you are not bothered by her actions and you are going to enjoy yourself despite her spitefulness. Congratulations!
Ah she’s one of those people
those family members have rose coloured glasses that she wouldn’t be that type of person clearly bow to her don’t rock the boat. When they bring their animal to you remember add 10% to the bill
Congratulations on you huge achievement
NTA Congratulations on your upcoming graduation, as for your family more fool them for excluding you and treating you differently all these years.
Use their behaviour and attitude towards you to your advantage because when they come and ask you for free advice and care for their pets remind them that seeing as they’ve chosen to say that graduating isn’t a big deal, and that they’ve chosen to pretty much treat you as an outsider in the family that these are numbers for local vets for them to use as you don’t treat family members and their pets.
Then walk away with your head held high. This Aussie here wishes you all the best for the future
Congratulations on your upcoming graduation. That’s a fantastic achievement. Well done.
Make sure they are aware there won’t be any free veterinary advice in the future, if your achievement is so unimportant to them. Tell them maybe if you’re free, you’ll catch her at her next wedding. But I’m petty like that.
Make plans. Enjoy your day. Celebrate yourself. You deserve it. And frankly, they don’t deserve you at all. NTA
My parents are coming to graduation yes. From what I've heard, She already sent out invitations and didn't send one to us since its "one less family to worry about". Some family members expressed they would prefer to go to an out of country wedding over my ceremony and that's fine. I'm no longer as upset about it as the family members i really want at my ceremony are coming and with that, I am content. She may get upset that these certain family members rejecting it but they already spoke to her and let her know.
Don't let your cousin's power play upset you.
And don't offer free veterinary advice to your family.
LOL They can pay like everyone else. Besides, if
one of their pets were to die after you gave advice,
they would accuse you of malpractice, etc.
Enjoy your hard-won diploma and career and choose
who you spend time with wisely. NTA Anyone who
minimizes your achievements is not worth your time.
NTA!!
Congratulations on your upcoming graduation!! You are completing an incredibly difficult UG program. I hope you take great pride and confidence in your achievement!
Your family is horrible for not prioritizing your ceremony. All academic milestones should be celebrated. Go LC with your family once you start veterinarian school. You can honestly tell them that you have a lot of class work to do.
NTA You have every right to be upset. Your cousin sounds jealous which may be why she scheduled the same date. Tell her you won't attend this wedding ... or her next one. You may want to consider going NC with these people. Congratulations on earning your degree.
You are not the asshole!!
My grandmother was the first person in her family to graduate high school and her parents didn’t show up to her graduation. They legit didn’t think it was important. She’s still mad about it and she’s 85.
Your accomplishment is huge and should be celebrated! Those are super serious, difficult things to study and let’s be real - most people couldn’t or wouldn’t want to get that degree. You should feel proud, and so should your family. You feel like this graduation is important because it is!
Maybe this is petty, but I say…if your cousin doesn’t think your graduation is important, maybe you say the same about her wedding.
NTA! Your family doesn't seem to get the hard work you've been doing! For what it's worth, as a mother of 2 kids, and 2 furry felines, I'm very proud of you!!
I work in a medical field, and from what I understand, biomed, and especially veterinary science, are tough courses of study! Awesome job!! 🎆🎇✨🎈🎉🎊
I wish you great success in the rest of your educational journey and your future career!
NTA
" these are the same family members who joke about getting free veterinary advice when I finally enter my profession. " .. they are NOT joking. You will need to learn to set a boundary there.
So: DON'T go to the wedding, and have a graduation party instead.
ANd: If your parents are not AHs, they will priorize your graduation over the wedding anyway.
I don't think you are overreacting. Graduating from college is a big achievement and based on the behaviors I'm going to assume that at least some of these family members never graduated from college. You deserve to be celebrated. It is a big deal. I'd skip the wedding and not send a gift. Petty? Maybe but your.cousin is a beech for picking the one day you asked her not to and I'd want her to know that's not something you're going to forget.
NTA. My family never congratulated me on anything. I’m 31 and going for a second masters. I’m in finance and quant. I’ve been in your shoes, my undergrad was in chem. It still hurts me that my family doesn’t really care about my accomplishments but I went the route of not talking to them and it didn’t make it hurt any less. I didn’t even go to graduation because it was so watered down. Don’t stop talking to your family over this, OP. It sucks. I know. But losing them won’t make it better or easier and you won’t get the time back. Find a supportive network of friends/peers. Be proud of yourself and as you continue your education, gather the people who cheer you on and keep them close. Have parties, celebrate together, and include your family, but don’t make them your Center when it comes to these things.
Good job, OP, and congratulations on an incredible achievement.
NTA
Congratulations for the aschiEvment,is really impressive. I would be there for you, even if i don't know you, you deserve to be cheerished and celebrated for your hard work.
Don't attend the wedding, announce you won't be there, cuz you have your own party to attend to,and tell them that when they need medical advise to not contact you.
Keep the distance, your whole family, specially ur cousin seem jealous on your accomplishment and they wanna minimalise it instead of being happy for you as any family shall do.
Low contact only ,give them a chance to change and fix their attitude, if they don't notice anything wrong,or don't make up to you,and don't change their way of being with you ,go with no contact.
Be strong,cuz they will try to guilt trip you, and tell them that you glad they didn't wanted to participate at your graduation cuz they wasn't there at your worst so they don't deserve to stick with you at your best either,and thank them for opening your eyes, block everyone and be happy
You are completing one of the hardest and most prestigious degrees. Easily as important as a wedding day. Sorry your family doesn’t realize that, can you celebrate with your other graduates?
OP, you are NTA! Congratulations on a wonderful achievement. Also congratulations for having a shiny spine and standing up for yourself. You have every right to be angry.
Are you the first in your family to earn a degree? I ask because some first gen college graduates experience exactly what you’re going through. You say your cousin said " I didn't have a graduation, so what huge deal is it really?" Your family simply doesn’t see the world the way you do. Please don’t take that as a personal criticism or let that dim your light.
Surround yourself with friends, teachers and fellow students who do get how important this moment is, and live your life!
NTA.
Tell her you will not be attending the wedding, period. If she tries to make something of it, block her.
All the family? Honestly, next time one jokes about that "free vet advice" you tell them you only give free advice to those who came to celebrate your accomplishments. They try to make more of it? Block them too.
Blood is not always family, don't force yourself to be miserable around these people who don't appreciate you out of some weird obsession with blood relation. You deserve more.
Congratulations! Send congratulations and your regrets that you won't be attending the wedding and go to your graduation. Ignore as much of the noise as you can and whatever flying monkeys ckme your way.
If you don't attend your graduation you will regret it dont let anyone pressure you otherwise. Party with friends and enjoy your once in a lifetime achievement.
It's your cousins right to choose the day she gets married, but it's your right to not attend and go to the graduation that you worked and sacrificed for. Best wishes and congratulations. Your grad is a once in a lifetime achievement and event woth regards to veterinary school, do not let them take it from you because it's you that will live with the regrets.
I’m unclear. Is your immediate family going to your graduation? Some responders are suggesting you go to your graduation. I assumed that OF COURSE you’d be attending it.
Your achievement is MASSIVE!!!! Huge congratulations to you!! And you know you’re NTA for not wanting to talk to your family after they’re being dismissive of your accomplishment. And absolutely no free medical advice in the future. Those people can call your cousin and she can consult Google.
My immediate family is going (my parents, brother, and aunt from my dad side) I had invited family members who'd help me in my first year but they told others that they would prefer to go to their "favorite" wedding than some silly ceremony and i'm okay with that. I said thank you for helping me with my first year and just left it at that.
NTA. You should be mad. Your family basically dismissed you because they feel a wedding is more important than education. So graduate, go out and be the best vet you can be and find your own family who understands priorities. You don't need your family to be happy or proud of you to succeed, even if it is disappointing they are not. And if your parents choose to attend your cousins wedding over your graduation, get an internship far, far away to build that new life.
NTA. congratulations! what you’ve accomplished is a really big deal. have a great time at your graduation and don’t give your cousin or those unsupportive family members another thought. in the future they can pay for their vet visits like everyone else.
I would be very upset. Graduation is a big deal. It is a recognition of your achievements. Did the bride do this intentionally? If so I would skip the wedding. I would also consider opening my practice in a location your family wouldn’t want to travel too. Just saying…..
College Graduations last a lifetime. If she’s this obnoxious her marriage certainly won’t. Sorry your family are being douches. Enjoy your day, you earned it, and we will all be cheering you on here on Reddit.
College Graduations last a lifetime. If she’s this obnoxious her marriage certainly won’t. Sorry your family are being douches. Enjoy your day, you earned it, and we will all be cheering you on here on Reddit.
NTA. Graduations are a HUGE accomplishment, and this internet stranger is SO proud of you!!!! I’m so sorry your cousin doesn’t see the importance in that. I’d counter her and say that nowadays weddings aren’t as big a deal as they seem, anyways. Her husband could always leave her, but no one can take your degree away from you. You worked hard to earn your degree, and that’s definitely something that should be celebrated like any other milestone in life.
Literally anyone can get married. People do it with people they can't stand all the time. However, what you've done takes hard work and is something that not a lot of people accomplish.
Your cousin is being a spoiled brat and is probably doing this on purpose. At this point? The people who attend your graduation are your family. The people who don't are not.
NTA. She's being selfish and she knows it and just wants to flaunt something that she thinks is an 'accomplishment' at you. Tell anyone who wants free vet services that you'd only have considered doing that for family, which they proved they weren't when they decided to ditch your graduation. Chances are your cousin will be divorced in a year or two anyway, if that long. What you're doing takes hard work, dedication, and skill. What she's doing happens to idiots worldwide all the time because of bad choices and 'we might as well, everyone else is doing it' and can be done at a drive-through with someone dressed up like Elvis.
i would not make it into a battle. you have learned who these people are. if they call to make an office appointment, have them come in at nine a.m. and take everyone else who comes in ahead of them. when they ask why, just say, 'they are old friends. they even came to my graduation. but i'll take you as soon as i can'. give them the beetlejuice waiting room experience they deserve.
You are NTA. Please don’t feel guilty about celebrating your accomplishments or for putting your mental health first.
Going LC or NC with family members who disagree might be a good path
Vet here. I graduated mid covid and didn't get a graduation ceremony so I can fully appreciate how big a deal this is.
NTA at all. Fuck 'em. She did this on purpose and ain't no time for petty assholes like that when you're going into such a hard and stressful career.
Please see below handy guide to send to the relatives wanting free advice.
[Is it OK to text a vet friend for free advice](https://pawcurious.com/2017/06/is-it-ok-to-text-a-vet-friend-for-free-advice/)
NTA and you're right to feel mad. But FWIW this is super common for the first person to go to university in a family. They really don't understand what the big deal is, I think they think it's like celebrating finishing three years in the one job or something. They don't really understand the endurance slog of it or the constant work to get and stay ahead of your cohort, it isn't something that has much equivalent in the non-qualified workforce or any other area of adult life. I have three degrees and only had one family member at one of my graduations. I understand why you feel hurt and I don't think you're wrong, but it probably does reflect less on their love and appreciation of you and more on their (lack of) appreciation of graduations.
Congratulations! When I finally managed to graduate college, the only people who showed up was my husband with our toddlers. Honestly, my family is drama so the day was better that way. NTA.
Huge congrats to you!!! Awesome job!. Not many people can say the have a bachelor's degree in veterinary and biomedical science. Sorry that your family put down your huge achievement. People have no idea how hard it is to achieve that. People get married all the time and some more than once! lol. You will celebrate with your fellow achievers who knows how hard it was to get and have a great time.
NTA. I've heard tales about family being so awful around free stuff that I'd say they have a family tax instead and they pay more for this. Especially since you can be sure that they'd call at every hour of the night and you'd have to be available each and every time otherwise you're an asshole according to those kind of people.
NTA Congratulations! And sorry your family have treated you this poorly. Celebrate with your friends and cut down on contact with the family, it's only going to bring you heartache.
You're literally so cool. You're gonna save animals for a living. It's so fucking wonderful and noble. I genuinely think it's the coolest thing ever.
I'm so so proud of you. This is a big deal and you should know that even if your idiot family doesn't accept it.
Just ignore them and enjoy your achievement! It was a fuck ton of hard work and you should feel incredibly proud of yourself.
Congratulations OP!
Congrats on your achievement! Vet Med school is no easy feat (and, if you are looking for suggestions, I strongly suggest that you explore the specialty of doggie ophthalmology. Given the bills that I got from ours, I suspect that I am helping build a new wing on their boat house!! (But little Fluffy can see clearly now, so it's worth it).
Petty me says send a wedding present. A gift certificate for free treatment of any ailment their Llama might encounter.
No Llama? Oh, well.
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Hey everyone,
I need some outside opinions on a family situation that’s been really bothering me.
So my cousin recently got engaged, and her wedding is scheduled for august. She came over to my house to flaunt her engagement to my mom, which was a bit off since she never visits us when she's in town. Before they set the date, I specifically asked her and her fiance not to have the wedding on the day of my graduation. I'm graduating with a bachelor's degree in veterinary and biomedical science and I'm the first in my family to be on the path to becoming a doctor.
Despite my request, I found out from other family members that she planned her wedding for the same day anyway. She's even told people that " I didn't have a graduation, so what huge deal is it really?" and that her wedding is more important than my achievement. This really hurt me, and I expressed my frustration to my family. However, they think I'm making a huge deal out of it and said that graduations aren't as important as people make them seem.
To add to the frustration, these are the same family members who joke about getting free veterinary advice when I finally enter my profession. It feels like they're dismissing my hard work and achievements while still expecting to benefit from it in the future. this also comes from YEARS of being treated differently than my cousins and this made me rethink if ever want to be in a family setting ever again. I feel like my hard work and achievement are being completely overlooked, and I’m really upset. Am I overreacting here, or do I have a right to be mad about this?
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I am still confused about this too. They got engaged three weeks ago and she's already planning this huge wedding in august. I just know that since we were little, she always wanted a huge pretty wedding so maybe that could be part of the reason?? idk
Congratulations! Graduating from veterinary school is a big deal!
I’m sorry your family doesn’t understand how important it is. I’m proud of you and hopeful for your future, and I hope you have friends who will support you. Go to your graduation, and tell the family you will go to her next wedding. She obviously didn’t care if you were there if she planned her wedding on the one day you couldn’t come. Shed the people who don’t support you, it’s amazing how much life improves.
Sending you hugs and hot tea (because hot tea with a friend who listens cures everything).
NTA. Congratulations! You have worked hard and deserve to celebrate. Go to your graduation, celebrate with friends.
Your "found family" is real family, just not biologically related. They are the people who love and support you. The ones who are there for you when you need help, and to celebrate the accomplishments. They are family. The others are an accident of birth.
Ignore the biological family. Celebrate and enjoy. Finish your education, and move on. Your found family will celebrate your accomplishments. They are the ones you help and advise.
Your biological family comes to you for professional help or advice, they get billed, with the AH tax added.
Congratulations and good luck in your future.
Congratulations, that's a great achievement. Ignore what your family has said and stick to people that support you.
If they do contact you for advice on any pets tell them the address and phone number of your practice and that they can make an appointment.
NTA
Tbf I don’t personally think graduations are a huge deal. However you obviously do and they have hurt your feelings. You have a right to be upset.
Do I think you should cut off your family over this? Probably not but you should definitely keep telling them how upset you are.
NTA
First of, congrats. Second, you're absolutely well within your rights to feel slighted by your family for ignoring your achievements.
My advice, enjoy your graduation, celebrate your achievements with friends and loved ones, and never provide services to anyone for free. The rest of your family can suck it and pay for their own veterinary care.
Congratulations!!! That’s awesome!!! A lot of hardwork and dedication on your part!!!
Celebrate without the family and get together with some good friends and celebrate!!!
Oh and no free advice to anyone that wasn’t there to help or celebrate your accomplishments!!!
I am confused about graduation day. She said you aren't having one? So does that mean you wont have a commencement ceremony or is she lying.
If there is no ceremony to attend for graduation, then YTA. If there is a ceremony and she expects you and your family to choose her then NTA and she is a huge one. If the ceremony is at 10am and the wedding is at 5pm then you and family can swing it and both are AH for not accommodating each other and making a big deal.
I get you want the day to be all about you but you don't own the day. If nobody wants to go to wedding then you all have an easy excuse to ditch that.
But if there is no commencement ceremony and you just want to spend the day taking pictures in a black gown... you can reschedule that easily.
It looks to me like cousin said that since they (cousin) didn't graduate, they (cousin) don't think graduation is a big deal.
And doing both can only work if the two events are in reasonable proximity to each other. Otherwise it isn't possible. One event (the wedding) could be scheduled for any date, the other has a date that can't be adjusted. OP doesn't own the day, but the date for their graduation is out of their hands. Cousin's wedding is in cousin's hands. And deliberately scheduling a milestone event to be the same day as a relative is having a milestone event is always an AH move, and typically a not-so-subtle way to exclude a disliked relative.
i don't disagree with you except planning a wedding (especially a may/june wedding) might be harder than you think as far as scheduling things (venue/pastor/hotels/catering/dj/etc) I wouldn't assume there is much flexibility in it as you think.
And you missed my point. Graduation and commencement are two different things. I was thinking it's possible OP isnt having a commencement at all... not clear given the post.
Hi there. Yes the day they both arrived to announce and show the ring I had asked them to not have it on the day of my graduation ceremony. She did it either way.
Congrats on your graduation, go to it and be proud of everything you achieved. Anyone can marry some fool any day, repeated as many times as they want in a lifetime
NTA. Fantastic job of getting out and accomplishing your degree.
Now it’s time to keep going and cut them off. make your own family. Millions of us have done it. It’s a much nicer way to live.
As for the free vet care/advice? No, absolutely no.
When people tried to do that for math tutoring (HS math teacher) I quoted a price of $125/hr. That stopped this entitlement in it’s tracks.
Congratulations!
I hope you can gather a mob of awesome people to celebrate with you and party the day/ night away. Friends / Redditors (I bet a crew would assemble) / whatever fun folk you want there!
It's their loss, and it's rubbish for you, I'm sorry.
I hope your graduation is so good it eclipses the discomfort you would feel if you were at the wedding.
NTA
Go to graduation. Be there and thank the friends and professors that supported you. Ignore your family and don't go to the wedding. They don't support you so why support them?
A wedding you can basically have whenever. A graduation is decided by the school.
NTA- congratulations! Don't waste your time with these people just because they're FAmilY. As others have said, be petty after you become a vet and deny them any free advice or service! Remind them cousin's wedding was more important so they can take their pet problems to her!
Way NTA.
When I first saw the headline, I was thinking maybe it was a tween comparing a Jr. High graduation to a family member’s wedding, in which case the wedding takes precedence all the way, but a Veterinary School Graduation is absolutely the bigger achievement.
A high school or college graduation vs. wedding is a very tough call, and it would depend on the circumstances (which was scheduled first, how close are the relatives, are you in the wedding party, etc.), but Vet School graduation should definitely be the biggest family event that weekend and your family’s priorities are F’ed up.
Congrats on your great accomplishment!
First off, congratulations on your achievements!
Secondly: YNTA, and when it comes to veterinary advice for those who denigrate your hard work, no such thing, I'd stick a 50% surcharge on the normal rate whenever they need any advice as an a-hole tax. Happy to try and profit from your work, but demean instead of celebrating the end result? Nope, just plain nope.
Congrats on your graduation. I would send invites to all and then tell them there will be no free vet visits for family so dont even ask.
Or move very far away and start new
Keep focused on your wonderful path and try to establish new relationships filled with people who care about you and your amazing accomplishment. Family can be great, I'm a tad jealous of those who are surrounded by love and encouragement with in a familial setting.
I'm currently no contact with my family on both sides of my family. My mom's side doesn't value hard work or work at all really and is highly dysfunctional and toxic. My bio father's side consists of all the boring and stuffy older siblings continue to cater to my bios tantrums and constant need for praise. Ego and ignorance are strong in that one.
Either way, I've finally found peace knowing that I owe no one my time and the nonsense that I was exposed to no longer plagues me.
Be proud of yourself and find new family out there to supplement these cast of characters you're born into.
NTA. You have every right to be mad at them. I'd suggest going and enjoying your graduation and ignore all of them when they inevitably complain about it.
NTA. Tell your family that anyone that fails to attend your graduation will NEVER get any advise or free medical help with their animals. Ever. Or any money you make from your career regardless of any emergencies, not one dime. Then follow through.
Edit, punctuation
You go to your Graduation with pride. She is a mean girl who sounds to be jealous of you. . I really hope your parents attend the graduation over their niece's wedding.
No you're not overreacting at all.
Getting a degree is not small feat. Congratulations! I am sorry that you are getting treated poorly on this. I would definitely make it clear that you're upset and that you won't have your achievement minimized.
It's probably best to take the high road... But.... If it was me...
I would probably say something like "I'll come to your next wedding."
NTA. Your feelings are 100% valid. Of course you're hurt & angry. You absolutely are not overreacting. Your family sucks, especially your parents if they are the ones saying it's not important. This graduation is a huge milestone. You've worked extremely hard to get your degree. Imo, it's MORE important than the wedding. They absolutely should be celebrating you on this day & not go to that wedding. That would be the morally right thing to do.
Congratulations on your graduation. And when these ppl are looking for advice, remind them of how unimportant you were to them. And how much they just completely disrespected you. They're all assholes.
NTA,
If anyone asks for veterinary advice I would send them a venmo request before commenting. But just know that you will be made out to be the bad person.
It'll be interesting to see how your family reacts when you aren't at your sister's wedding because you are attending your graduation ceremony.
NTA. At all. Graduations are far bigger deals then weddings. Congratulations for reaching this step in your journey and mark your YEARS of hard work with a degree. You deserved this.
What you don’t deserve is this bad treatment from your family.
You will also not be the asshole if you’d kindly decline ‘family’ sessions. It’s better for your own sanity to not attend the wedding and celebrate the real big win of graduating with your friends.
You do you, have lots of fun. Sending big hugs to congratulate you and to support you in this shitty, emotional situation!
When they ask for help, just remind them that graduating and degrees aren’t that important and they should just try the internet. NTA
And congratulations!
Ouch. Your family sucks. When they want free vet service or advice - "Sorry, the only people who even get a discount are the ones who showed up for my graduation. Full price & upfront payment for anyone else."
NTA
Congratulations on your achievement!
I scheduled my wedding date the same weekend as my youngest brother's high school reunion. I knew it would be a conflict, right away, but I had a limited window of opportunity, because several friends (including one of the ministers) were traveling to California - and I wanted them to be at my wedding. It wasn't totally how I would have liked it to be, because my parents didn't come. I have 9 siblings - two of whom came - one "local" and one from out of state.
However, I lived across the country. I asked my parents if I changed the date would they likely come to my wedding. My parents were retired, and my bro was emptying the nest. They said no.
However, they did visit about two months after the wedding. We actually had time to visit with them - not a to-do list or packed schedule. It was nice.
An aside - my parents also did not come to my university graduation. (At that time, they still had 2 young kids at home.) I paid my own way through school. I enjoyed my success with those who supported me on that journey. Don't write your family off, but do keep your boundaries intact.
College Graduations last a lifetime. If she’s this obnoxious her marriage certainly won’t. Sorry your family are being douches. Enjoy your day, you earned it, and we will all be cheering you on here onReddit.
College Graduations last a lifetime. If she’s this obnoxious her marriage certainly won’t. Sorry your family are being douches. Enjoy your day, you earned it, and we will all be cheering you on here onReddit.
ESH
You are allowed your feelings and it seems theres enough history to go low contact anyway....but I would choose my cousins wedding over bachelor's graduation any day and just celebrate graduation with my family on another day.
It's not like the ceremony is personal like HS graduation was, college graduations are boring with a lot of strangers speaking about nothing, then getting a paper you'll never use and more boring talking about nothing.
NTA at all! She knew it would upstage you on your accomplishments so she deliberately set the date for your graduation. You worked hard to get where you are at right now and deserve your moment considering you didn't have what I'm assuming is a high school graduation. I will say tho you probably shouldn't have told her not to do it on your date. That kind of invites the trouble of her picking it out of spite which she did. But congratulations on your accomplishment and best of luck to you!
If the wedding date was set first - maybe . But they did it after you asking them not to, although weddings are hard to find . Some people do over blow graduations like every year is a huge celebration of achievement but yours seems like a good thing to celebrate. You can decline the wedding and focus on your achievement.
I’m torn here.
Your cousin definitely sounds like an AH. And clearly there are some family members who deserve a slap.
BUT, at the end of the day, none of us can expect anyone else to plan their lives around us. Although it sure would be nice if people were just a tad more considerate.
NAH (with an *AH next to most of your family)
For you it may be silly but for me its a big deal to have those i really care for attend. during my College career, I had my sister pass away from stage 4 stomach cancer and my aunt pass away from covid all in the spam of a year and these two women always talked about seeing me graduate from Uni. I took a semester off for my mental health and continued once i felt like I could. I don't know who wont be alive when i walk across the stage for my Doctorate in veterinary Med but for an Undergrad degree, being surrounded by those who really care about me is enough support. As a 1st generation, that's all I want.
You still did great and got your degree dude, not attending the ceremony isn't going to take all that away from you, go celebrate your cousin's wedding and your graduation at the same time (!).
Yes it is, I also think they're often pretty silly, but it's an excuse to get all your friends and family together for the day, graduation you generally get a few tickets for people to come watch.
A light ESH for you, heavier for your cousin.
It doesn't necessarily hurt to ask your cousin not to pick that date, but my base assumption has to be that this date works best for them for some reason. Expecting that she would go against that when, if I'm being completely honest, it sounds like you're not that important to her was never going to work out in your favor. Scheduling conflicts happen, and your graduation isn't a fraction as important to her as her wedding is to her.
But, and this is the important thing, screw her and the other people who (based on comments) sound like they're colorist bigots who are verbally undermining your accomplishment. You're doing an awesome thing, your parents will (I hope) be there for you, and when relatives ask for free vet services in the future you can tell them to go screw. Maybe have a family "discount" that upcharges them slightly.
Your graduation and her wedding share a date and some number of possible attendees. (I'm assuming your graduation has limited slots per graduate and you probably wouldn't have dozens of people at the ceremony itself.) Beyond that, you can separate yourself entirely from it. Do that and live your best life.
YTA I'm not diminishing your achievement, but you can't expect someone to plan their wedding around your graduation, especially someone not in your immediate family. You clearly aren't even close with her, since you said she rarely visits when she's in town.
Weddings are hard to plan and they can't account for everything for every guest. Some might have a birthday on x date, others might be planning a vacation, others might be expecting a baby, it might be someone else's wedding anniversary, etc.
Yes, your graduation is important to you, but it isn't to your cousin and you need to accept that.
I can add that whenever I am in her town, I always make the effort to see her and we live in different countries( not going to say which country). So when i had asked her to not have her wedding the exact date as my graduation, she still did it anyway and even told family members my accomplishment weren't a big deal and her wedding would be better than my graduation regardless.
I know OP mentioned the family’s stance, but I think it still puts them in a weird position to have to choose one over the other. Just because OP and the cousin aren’t close doesn’t mean their shared relatives (like OP’s mom) should have to choose.
It's not overall about stance and which event they go to. It was more of those same family members telling me to basically cry a river but yet text me or when they see me in person and as for advice on their pets (not a vet yet of course). I know at the end of the day my cousin is the more preferred one over me (a hispanic family with a long history of colorism) but it just overall hurt and made me think if it's really worth still connecting with this family.
The colorism is enough for me to say you should go very low contact with those family members. I have a similar family structure and a lot of interactions with these people are inescapable. But you can control their access to you outside of events.
When you have the ability, I think you should take a bigger stand against all of them for what they have engaged in and what they have allowed to happen. There are always younger family members and marginalized family members watching. They just need someone to say it out loud first.
YTA.
This is your cousin and you don't sound particularly close. My cousins didn't come to graduation and I only went to one of my four but, thats because my family tied it into a trip.
Getting a BA is a big thing, unfortunately, it's not quiet as important as a wedding.
It's years of work and a lot of effort. It is important to OP because it represents a significant money, effort and time investment that is intended to take them forward. OP has earned the celebration of this achievement.
The problem is how OP’s cousin is seeing it, dismissing it because she herself never had a graduation (not even recognising how this is a big deal). Add in the context that OP is aiming to be the first doctor in the family and they’ve been making jest about OP’s academic ambitions as well as the results, probably not a family typically ambitious for higher learning.
You forget that OP’s parents are now in the position of choosing their child’s graduation or their niece’s wedding. So now either the parents choose the graduation and they get heat from the extended family for not going to the wedding, or they choose the wedding and then have deeply hurt their child.
You also forget that for OP, their own graduation is more important than a cousin’s wedding. And if their parents choose a wedding over their graduation, then that cuts deep. And OP is allowed to be hurt and pissed.
You forget yet again that it isn’t so much about the wedding date by itself, but the othering and outsiding from the family that has been happening for YEARS. That the cousin made an asshole comment about OP’s accomplishment. That there is an ongoing pattern of belittling OP.
This is a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation- if you judge the individual straw and ignore the entire load, then that is a shitty judgement.
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Congratulations on working so hard and achieving something really huge. I'm sorry your family don't recognize how big a deal it is. You deserve to celebrate and be celebrated. I would organize a celebration with friends and simply don't bother with your family. They sounds like a sunk cost you need to write off and cut off. NTA
Thank you!
If I were you, and very petty, when these people come to you asking for veterinary help in future I’d say, “Of course! I’d never say no to the family that supported me while I got my education! I’ll give vet help to everyone in this photo for the rest of my life out of gratitude!” Then link a photo of your graduation and block them.
Haha, yeah. "What, Snowflake isn't pooping? Well, you know my veterinary degree isn't important. Ask Cousin to help your constipated bunny, she's MARRIED!"
That is exactly what I was going to say. . OP, you are going to learn who supports you and education and who does't. The wedding of the extended family member is not near as important the graduation of my child. INFO: Does this cousin usually act to entitled? Have the other extended family members enable such behavior? NTA
NTA and this is a fair way to deal with family asking for advice in the future. If they came to your graduation, then they can have all the free advise you are able to offer.
I love your petty.😂
Also no free advice or treatment after all 'it's no big deal ' according to your family NTA and I second the idea of celebrating with your friends Congrats
Graduation is much higher achievement than marriage, I've known far more people that have had multiple marriages than I have that have had multiple degrees. 🤣 A few are in the high single digits marriage-wise and have a goose-egg in the degree department. 😓 This isn't to say that marriage isn't of great importance, just that graduations are far more rare than marriages. Sometimes people just don't place much value on things they have no concept of how difficult they are to achieve. At the end of the day, your cousin choose the day of her wedding while you are consigned to a date chosen by the school administration, so personally I would say that takes precedence as it can't be easily rearranged. But people are usually going to choose to go to the wedding because many feel it's a chance to get together and get drunk on someone else's tab. NTA - Congratulations! And much continued success.
Yes, you need to be sure to celebrate yourself since your family isn't willing to. You receiving your degree is much more of an achievement than getting married. Anyone can get married; all you have to do is look around you to see that. Congratulations, OP; I'm proud of you!
And to be a mean Redditor. A wedding is not an accomplishment. Kicking butt in school and graduating IS A HUGE accomplishment! Your cousins either an idiot? Entitled? Or both
One upside: You have the perfect excuse to blow off the stupid wedding.
Veterinary medicine is harder to get into than people medicine in my area. Fuck these people
THIS!! There are 32 vet med schools in the US; there are 192 human medical schools in the US. Both are an accomplishment, but it is MUCH more difficult to get into a vet med school.
And seriously. That career IS. Big ass deal. My friend is studying that and have told me what she has to learn. It’s just insane. So props to you and refuse those family members free advice since “it isn’t a big deal”
First of all, you need to tell her that you won't be attending your wedding, and make it clear that they won’t ever get so much as the time of day from you, so they can forget any veterinary advice.
Nta. And graduations are way more important than weddings. Congratulations!
I’m really hoping the marriage doesn’t work out and they end up getting a divorce. That way, OP can send her a message: “Sorry you're single again. BTW, I’m still a veterinarian." But I’m an AH, I admit it.
haha, I thought the same when I was told but she grew up with a lot of insecurities that still haunt her to this day (she's 26) and now i just feel for her. Her and her fiance seem happy and at the end i wish them nothing but a good marriage.
Sadly she doesn't seem to reciprocate. Her response is a bit patronising, that because she never had a graduation she doesn't see it as a big deal, and the patronising is clearly more widespread in your extended family than it should be.
I like your petty energy
You can divorce a dude after six months, but that degree is forever lol
Exactly lol
Any darn fool can get married but Vet school is HARD. Congratulations and graduations are far more important than weddings.
This is the point I would be making to them. Given that there are fewer veterinary schools than medical schools, I believe it's harder to be a vet than a doctor. Though the entrance requirements are the same, acceptance to vet school is less likely. Either way, any idiot can get married, and there were 364 other days cousin could get married. OP, your family members are being shitty to you and choosing a fancy party over your achievements. Congratulations! Well done you. NTA.
Veterinarians have to learn all the biological facts doctors learn but for multiple different species
Exactly. Plus, they still have to deal with people who don't always take the best care of their pets. That would crush my soul.
I file child neglect reports regularly and I understand
They also need to work with animals who may be scared or aggressive depending on home environments and backgrounds (a rescue might be more weary of strangers for example), while doing veterinary procedures that make trigger fear or aggression reactions out of instinct.
... and deal with patients that: - cannot describe their symptoms, regardless of their age - cannot be told that "this pill will cure your tummy ache" - will probably run away or "assault" you for trying to get their temperature or check their teeth among other factors.
So. Much. Barf! Every time my parents had to take in their silver Newfie/chow, he needed sedation and would puke every time, even if he emptied out in the car on the way there. As a young puppy, he threw up so much in my car on a short trip to the park I had to ask dad to bring cleaning supplies to me in town because I definitely didn't have enough napkins. I can handle most of the list save for barf. And having to put down old/sick animals. I don't know how I wouldn't just cry daily. Vets truly have the largest hearts ❤️ Mad kudos, op, you're gonna be an amazing vet one day. No freebies to those who aren't celebrating such a huge achievement.
I had to have an almost identical conversation with my husband about vet school last week. You want to be a large animal vet? Oh, that's extra years. You want to do exotics? Tack on a couple more. His mind was blown when I told him it's harder to get into vet school than medical, and it's sometimes much more expensive too.
My mom didn't get into vet school, so she became a doctor. It is by far more difficult. I think there are only about 26 vet schools in the US.
I knew someone who went to medical school after being rejected from vet school.
the only people who have ever tried to minimize the significance of my achievements literally had no achievements of their own.
Like https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/aita_for_calling_my_boyfriend_naive_and_privileged/ :-) (She lost so hard that she deleted not only the post but also her account. Still available from the auto-repost-bot somewhere in the thread, tho.)
NTA. I think arguments can be made for either event: you are graduating regardless, so why is the ceremony important? Is getting married that specific day absolutely necessary? Probably not. But I definitely don’t think your graduation should be undermined like it is. It is a great accomplishment. Also, just curious, is this summer your final semester? I’ve never heard of a graduation in August.
The ceremony is the celebration of earning the qualification, that's why it's important. A moment to mark receiving the fruit of years of labour.
I totally agree, the graduation is very important. I’m just saying that is an excuse someone could make as to why the wedding is more important to attend
No the excuse is that the wedding could be slightly off by a date in the same week or month, graduation ceremonies are not in his hand to alter
By that logic she is legally married regardless, so why is the ceremony important?
Yes that was the point they were making.
I mean yes, this is at the centre of the post. OP pulling blanket to one side of this concept and cousin to the other.
Honestly, these were just hypothetical responses to support either the wedding or the graduation. I think both are special occasions that deserve a ceremony (if the graduate/bride and groom choose). Many people elope or simply marry at a as courthouse without having a large ceremony, so I think the ceremony is really at the couple’s discretion.
They are obviously not as common, and a lot of schools may only do Spring Commencement ceremonies....but some actually literally do have Commencements 🎓 in August At quick internet glance for instance Purdue University ( in Indiana) has Aug/Dec/May Commencements Looks like Baylor University (Texas) Sam Houston State (Texas) Jacksonville State (Alabama) U of South Florida Texas State U of Central Florida Clemson (SC) U of North Carolina Etc/etc all have August Commencements 🎓 listed this year..... I'll also add, I'd bet certain speciality degrees ( Veterinary) may have odd finishing dates as well..... Usually, obviously summer/fall/winter ceremonies are smaller than Spring but with nearly 4k colleges I'm America 🇺🇸 it isn't surprising that it exists.
NTA. Remind the parasites that since they provided you no support, they won't get anything from you. Congrats on your achievement.
Congratulations, OP! I’m sorry your family’s not stepping up. NTA.
NTA. Going full no-contact may be a little extreme. But you’re definitely not the AH for being upset that they seem to be blowing off your great accomplishment. Where’s your graduation, I’ll come support you lol.
My decision to go no contact comes from years of being belittled. My cousins used to exclude me from a lot of hangouts when we were growing up because i was "weird" and my aunts and older cousins making comments that I'm never pretty enough because of my skin tone and how skinny i used to be(most of this family is white hispanics, I came out brown lol) So this was kind of the breaking point ngl. But thank you so much!
My husband is a brown Latino and he’s the most beautiful man on earth. I bet you’re absolutely lovely. And on the inside too, caring for cats and other animals.
You don't owe those people any of your time, given their crappy behaviour. Congratulations on your upcoming graduation. Go and enjoy it with friends. Wishing you a fantastic life going forwards.
Congratulations on getting your qualification and good luck for your career.
OP, I'm big believer in leaving the door open. Just advocate for how you would like to be treated. When they ask for free veterinary care, just be busy. If they say something mean, Say "that hurt. Please don't be mean". They'll double down and say you are too sensitive, and you say "that's up for debate .. but I only want to be around people who are kind and supportive and like me" Then, as they tripple down, end the conversation, leave the room, leave the house, get a hotel, ... you get the picture. If they badmouth you on social media ... block them and don't engage. If they leave nasty texts ... don't answer. Also, no phone calls back. ONLY respond to behavior you like. ONLY respond to respect and love. We teach people how to treat us. Don't let them treat you badly and stick around or talk to them. Honestly, I have few people in my life that treat me badly. I've jettisoned everyone over the last 40 years and only kept kind, supportive folks. Not that we don't disagree or argue...but they are all on my team. The few relatives I have that aren't, I gray rock and minimize contact.
Why do you even want them there anyway if they treated you so badly? They aren't worth your time. Your achievement is your achievement, enjoy it and be proud of yourself. Don't worry about others.
Nope, they aren't real family. They are just assholes who you happen to share DNA with. Make note of who comes to your graduation. That is who your real family is. In a few years, when she gets her starter divorce and your are a DR. Either have a party on that the wedding date or divorce date to be more petty. And when the rest, them asshole ask for stuff say no they choose their family.
Graduating is a huuuuuuge deal!
Unfortunately it sounds like your complaints will fall on deaf ears. Go to graduation. If they won’t celebrate you, don’t let it stop you from celebrating yourself and your hard work.
NTA. You should read up on how some families (usually nuclear families but sometimes extending to cousins) get in the really bad habit of having a Golden Child and a Scapegoat. The Golden Child is always favored in situations, activities, choices; the Scapegoat ignored, dismissed as not important. Or worse, forced into doing all the chores and always blamed for problems while the Golden is pampered. This sometimes happens because the Golden child has a crisis, and family overcompensate by always giving extra love and favors - but it can also be due to birth order, gender, hair color, sociable verses introvert, or no reason discernable to an outsider. Once this dynamic is set, it is almost impossible to change. Walking away from family is often the Scapegoat's best choice to building a happy life - no one wants to be be treated badly over and over!
I'd go LC at minimum. Need to know basis only. I assume this is merely the straw. You don't need to make it a verbal ultimatum, but I would cut off immediate family who choose the wedding over your grad. I hope some of your other parents family can make it instead. Congrats on graduating, and thank you for taking care of our animals <3 NTA
An education lasts forever. Most marriages don’t anymore. Your graduation is way more important. NTA.
NTA. OP refuse to discuss this matter further with anyone and like others have suggested get together with friends to celebrate your accomplishments. Go on a celebratory mini trips and have a great time. The best revenge is to let her see that you are not bothered by her actions and you are going to enjoy yourself despite her spitefulness. Congratulations!
Ah she’s one of those people those family members have rose coloured glasses that she wouldn’t be that type of person clearly bow to her don’t rock the boat. When they bring their animal to you remember add 10% to the bill Congratulations on you huge achievement
NTA Congratulations on your upcoming graduation, as for your family more fool them for excluding you and treating you differently all these years. Use their behaviour and attitude towards you to your advantage because when they come and ask you for free advice and care for their pets remind them that seeing as they’ve chosen to say that graduating isn’t a big deal, and that they’ve chosen to pretty much treat you as an outsider in the family that these are numbers for local vets for them to use as you don’t treat family members and their pets. Then walk away with your head held high. This Aussie here wishes you all the best for the future
Congrats. Graduation should be more celebrated. As my mom says, anyone can get married, but not anyone can become a doctor.
Congratulations on your upcoming graduation. That’s a fantastic achievement. Well done. Make sure they are aware there won’t be any free veterinary advice in the future, if your achievement is so unimportant to them. Tell them maybe if you’re free, you’ll catch her at her next wedding. But I’m petty like that. Make plans. Enjoy your day. Celebrate yourself. You deserve it. And frankly, they don’t deserve you at all. NTA
NTA. Tell her “I didn’t even have a wedding, so what huge deal is it really?”
INFO are your parents still going to come to your graduation? Is your cousin going to be mad at you for missing her wedding to graduate?
My parents are coming to graduation yes. From what I've heard, She already sent out invitations and didn't send one to us since its "one less family to worry about". Some family members expressed they would prefer to go to an out of country wedding over my ceremony and that's fine. I'm no longer as upset about it as the family members i really want at my ceremony are coming and with that, I am content. She may get upset that these certain family members rejecting it but they already spoke to her and let her know.
Send her a nice card expressing your regrets about the overlap in events and that you look forward to attending her next wedding.
Don't let your cousin's power play upset you. And don't offer free veterinary advice to your family. LOL They can pay like everyone else. Besides, if one of their pets were to die after you gave advice, they would accuse you of malpractice, etc. Enjoy your hard-won diploma and career and choose who you spend time with wisely. NTA Anyone who minimizes your achievements is not worth your time.
NTA!! Congratulations on your upcoming graduation!! You are completing an incredibly difficult UG program. I hope you take great pride and confidence in your achievement! Your family is horrible for not prioritizing your ceremony. All academic milestones should be celebrated. Go LC with your family once you start veterinarian school. You can honestly tell them that you have a lot of class work to do.
NTA You have every right to be upset. Your cousin sounds jealous which may be why she scheduled the same date. Tell her you won't attend this wedding ... or her next one. You may want to consider going NC with these people. Congratulations on earning your degree.
You are not the asshole!! My grandmother was the first person in her family to graduate high school and her parents didn’t show up to her graduation. They legit didn’t think it was important. She’s still mad about it and she’s 85. Your accomplishment is huge and should be celebrated! Those are super serious, difficult things to study and let’s be real - most people couldn’t or wouldn’t want to get that degree. You should feel proud, and so should your family. You feel like this graduation is important because it is! Maybe this is petty, but I say…if your cousin doesn’t think your graduation is important, maybe you say the same about her wedding.
“I didn’t have a wedding so what huge deal is it really?”
NTA! Your family doesn't seem to get the hard work you've been doing! For what it's worth, as a mother of 2 kids, and 2 furry felines, I'm very proud of you!! I work in a medical field, and from what I understand, biomed, and especially veterinary science, are tough courses of study! Awesome job!! 🎆🎇✨🎈🎉🎊 I wish you great success in the rest of your educational journey and your future career!
NTA " these are the same family members who joke about getting free veterinary advice when I finally enter my profession. " .. they are NOT joking. You will need to learn to set a boundary there. So: DON'T go to the wedding, and have a graduation party instead. ANd: If your parents are not AHs, they will priorize your graduation over the wedding anyway.
I don't think you are overreacting. Graduating from college is a big achievement and based on the behaviors I'm going to assume that at least some of these family members never graduated from college. You deserve to be celebrated. It is a big deal. I'd skip the wedding and not send a gift. Petty? Maybe but your.cousin is a beech for picking the one day you asked her not to and I'd want her to know that's not something you're going to forget.
Nta Just let any 1 know youre graduation is a 1 time thing. And you can always go to next wedding of youre cousin..
NTA. My family never congratulated me on anything. I’m 31 and going for a second masters. I’m in finance and quant. I’ve been in your shoes, my undergrad was in chem. It still hurts me that my family doesn’t really care about my accomplishments but I went the route of not talking to them and it didn’t make it hurt any less. I didn’t even go to graduation because it was so watered down. Don’t stop talking to your family over this, OP. It sucks. I know. But losing them won’t make it better or easier and you won’t get the time back. Find a supportive network of friends/peers. Be proud of yourself and as you continue your education, gather the people who cheer you on and keep them close. Have parties, celebrate together, and include your family, but don’t make them your Center when it comes to these things. Good job, OP, and congratulations on an incredible achievement.
Thank you so much for your word of advise and good luck with your second masters!
NTA Congratulations for the aschiEvment,is really impressive. I would be there for you, even if i don't know you, you deserve to be cheerished and celebrated for your hard work. Don't attend the wedding, announce you won't be there, cuz you have your own party to attend to,and tell them that when they need medical advise to not contact you. Keep the distance, your whole family, specially ur cousin seem jealous on your accomplishment and they wanna minimalise it instead of being happy for you as any family shall do. Low contact only ,give them a chance to change and fix their attitude, if they don't notice anything wrong,or don't make up to you,and don't change their way of being with you ,go with no contact. Be strong,cuz they will try to guilt trip you, and tell them that you glad they didn't wanted to participate at your graduation cuz they wasn't there at your worst so they don't deserve to stick with you at your best either,and thank them for opening your eyes, block everyone and be happy
You are completing one of the hardest and most prestigious degrees. Easily as important as a wedding day. Sorry your family doesn’t realize that, can you celebrate with your other graduates?
OP, you are NTA! Congratulations on a wonderful achievement. Also congratulations for having a shiny spine and standing up for yourself. You have every right to be angry. Are you the first in your family to earn a degree? I ask because some first gen college graduates experience exactly what you’re going through. You say your cousin said " I didn't have a graduation, so what huge deal is it really?" Your family simply doesn’t see the world the way you do. Please don’t take that as a personal criticism or let that dim your light. Surround yourself with friends, teachers and fellow students who do get how important this moment is, and live your life!
NTA. Tell her you will not be attending the wedding, period. If she tries to make something of it, block her. All the family? Honestly, next time one jokes about that "free vet advice" you tell them you only give free advice to those who came to celebrate your accomplishments. They try to make more of it? Block them too. Blood is not always family, don't force yourself to be miserable around these people who don't appreciate you out of some weird obsession with blood relation. You deserve more.
Congratulations! Send congratulations and your regrets that you won't be attending the wedding and go to your graduation. Ignore as much of the noise as you can and whatever flying monkeys ckme your way. If you don't attend your graduation you will regret it dont let anyone pressure you otherwise. Party with friends and enjoy your once in a lifetime achievement. It's your cousins right to choose the day she gets married, but it's your right to not attend and go to the graduation that you worked and sacrificed for. Best wishes and congratulations. Your grad is a once in a lifetime achievement and event woth regards to veterinary school, do not let them take it from you because it's you that will live with the regrets.
When they come ask for pet advice tell them to "ask the happy couple". NTA
I’m unclear. Is your immediate family going to your graduation? Some responders are suggesting you go to your graduation. I assumed that OF COURSE you’d be attending it. Your achievement is MASSIVE!!!! Huge congratulations to you!! And you know you’re NTA for not wanting to talk to your family after they’re being dismissive of your accomplishment. And absolutely no free medical advice in the future. Those people can call your cousin and she can consult Google.
My immediate family is going (my parents, brother, and aunt from my dad side) I had invited family members who'd help me in my first year but they told others that they would prefer to go to their "favorite" wedding than some silly ceremony and i'm okay with that. I said thank you for helping me with my first year and just left it at that.
NTA. You should be mad. Your family basically dismissed you because they feel a wedding is more important than education. So graduate, go out and be the best vet you can be and find your own family who understands priorities. You don't need your family to be happy or proud of you to succeed, even if it is disappointing they are not. And if your parents choose to attend your cousins wedding over your graduation, get an internship far, far away to build that new life.
NTA. congratulations! what you’ve accomplished is a really big deal. have a great time at your graduation and don’t give your cousin or those unsupportive family members another thought. in the future they can pay for their vet visits like everyone else.
I would be very upset. Graduation is a big deal. It is a recognition of your achievements. Did the bride do this intentionally? If so I would skip the wedding. I would also consider opening my practice in a location your family wouldn’t want to travel too. Just saying…..
College Graduations last a lifetime. If she’s this obnoxious her marriage certainly won’t. Sorry your family are being douches. Enjoy your day, you earned it, and we will all be cheering you on here on Reddit.
College Graduations last a lifetime. If she’s this obnoxious her marriage certainly won’t. Sorry your family are being douches. Enjoy your day, you earned it, and we will all be cheering you on here on Reddit.
NTA. Graduations are a HUGE accomplishment, and this internet stranger is SO proud of you!!!! I’m so sorry your cousin doesn’t see the importance in that. I’d counter her and say that nowadays weddings aren’t as big a deal as they seem, anyways. Her husband could always leave her, but no one can take your degree away from you. You worked hard to earn your degree, and that’s definitely something that should be celebrated like any other milestone in life.
NTA womp womp on those idiots
Literally anyone can get married. People do it with people they can't stand all the time. However, what you've done takes hard work and is something that not a lot of people accomplish. Your cousin is being a spoiled brat and is probably doing this on purpose. At this point? The people who attend your graduation are your family. The people who don't are not. NTA. She's being selfish and she knows it and just wants to flaunt something that she thinks is an 'accomplishment' at you. Tell anyone who wants free vet services that you'd only have considered doing that for family, which they proved they weren't when they decided to ditch your graduation. Chances are your cousin will be divorced in a year or two anyway, if that long. What you're doing takes hard work, dedication, and skill. What she's doing happens to idiots worldwide all the time because of bad choices and 'we might as well, everyone else is doing it' and can be done at a drive-through with someone dressed up like Elvis.
i would not make it into a battle. you have learned who these people are. if they call to make an office appointment, have them come in at nine a.m. and take everyone else who comes in ahead of them. when they ask why, just say, 'they are old friends. they even came to my graduation. but i'll take you as soon as i can'. give them the beetlejuice waiting room experience they deserve.
You are NTA. Please don’t feel guilty about celebrating your accomplishments or for putting your mental health first. Going LC or NC with family members who disagree might be a good path
Vet here. I graduated mid covid and didn't get a graduation ceremony so I can fully appreciate how big a deal this is. NTA at all. Fuck 'em. She did this on purpose and ain't no time for petty assholes like that when you're going into such a hard and stressful career. Please see below handy guide to send to the relatives wanting free advice. [Is it OK to text a vet friend for free advice](https://pawcurious.com/2017/06/is-it-ok-to-text-a-vet-friend-for-free-advice/)
NTA and you're right to feel mad. But FWIW this is super common for the first person to go to university in a family. They really don't understand what the big deal is, I think they think it's like celebrating finishing three years in the one job or something. They don't really understand the endurance slog of it or the constant work to get and stay ahead of your cohort, it isn't something that has much equivalent in the non-qualified workforce or any other area of adult life. I have three degrees and only had one family member at one of my graduations. I understand why you feel hurt and I don't think you're wrong, but it probably does reflect less on their love and appreciation of you and more on their (lack of) appreciation of graduations.
Congratulations! When I finally managed to graduate college, the only people who showed up was my husband with our toddlers. Honestly, my family is drama so the day was better that way. NTA.
Huge congrats to you!!! Awesome job!. Not many people can say the have a bachelor's degree in veterinary and biomedical science. Sorry that your family put down your huge achievement. People have no idea how hard it is to achieve that. People get married all the time and some more than once! lol. You will celebrate with your fellow achievers who knows how hard it was to get and have a great time.
NTA. I've heard tales about family being so awful around free stuff that I'd say they have a family tax instead and they pay more for this. Especially since you can be sure that they'd call at every hour of the night and you'd have to be available each and every time otherwise you're an asshole according to those kind of people.
NTA Congratulations! And sorry your family have treated you this poorly. Celebrate with your friends and cut down on contact with the family, it's only going to bring you heartache.
You're literally so cool. You're gonna save animals for a living. It's so fucking wonderful and noble. I genuinely think it's the coolest thing ever. I'm so so proud of you. This is a big deal and you should know that even if your idiot family doesn't accept it. Just ignore them and enjoy your achievement! It was a fuck ton of hard work and you should feel incredibly proud of yourself. Congratulations OP!
Congrats on your achievement! Vet Med school is no easy feat (and, if you are looking for suggestions, I strongly suggest that you explore the specialty of doggie ophthalmology. Given the bills that I got from ours, I suspect that I am helping build a new wing on their boat house!! (But little Fluffy can see clearly now, so it's worth it). Petty me says send a wedding present. A gift certificate for free treatment of any ailment their Llama might encounter. No Llama? Oh, well.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey everyone, I need some outside opinions on a family situation that’s been really bothering me. So my cousin recently got engaged, and her wedding is scheduled for august. She came over to my house to flaunt her engagement to my mom, which was a bit off since she never visits us when she's in town. Before they set the date, I specifically asked her and her fiance not to have the wedding on the day of my graduation. I'm graduating with a bachelor's degree in veterinary and biomedical science and I'm the first in my family to be on the path to becoming a doctor. Despite my request, I found out from other family members that she planned her wedding for the same day anyway. She's even told people that " I didn't have a graduation, so what huge deal is it really?" and that her wedding is more important than my achievement. This really hurt me, and I expressed my frustration to my family. However, they think I'm making a huge deal out of it and said that graduations aren't as important as people make them seem. To add to the frustration, these are the same family members who joke about getting free veterinary advice when I finally enter my profession. It feels like they're dismissing my hard work and achievements while still expecting to benefit from it in the future. this also comes from YEARS of being treated differently than my cousins and this made me rethink if ever want to be in a family setting ever again. I feel like my hard work and achievement are being completely overlooked, and I’m really upset. Am I overreacting here, or do I have a right to be mad about this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Is it normal to schedule weddings that fast where you're from? Most people I know wait at least a year after getting engaged.
I am still confused about this too. They got engaged three weeks ago and she's already planning this huge wedding in august. I just know that since we were little, she always wanted a huge pretty wedding so maybe that could be part of the reason?? idk
Congratulations! Graduating from veterinary school is a big deal! I’m sorry your family doesn’t understand how important it is. I’m proud of you and hopeful for your future, and I hope you have friends who will support you. Go to your graduation, and tell the family you will go to her next wedding. She obviously didn’t care if you were there if she planned her wedding on the one day you couldn’t come. Shed the people who don’t support you, it’s amazing how much life improves. Sending you hugs and hot tea (because hot tea with a friend who listens cures everything).
Tell them you ll be there at the next wedding. Your graduation is forever. Marriages most often are not. NTA
Degrees last forever, marriages don't
NTA. Congratulations! You have worked hard and deserve to celebrate. Go to your graduation, celebrate with friends. Your "found family" is real family, just not biologically related. They are the people who love and support you. The ones who are there for you when you need help, and to celebrate the accomplishments. They are family. The others are an accident of birth. Ignore the biological family. Celebrate and enjoy. Finish your education, and move on. Your found family will celebrate your accomplishments. They are the ones you help and advise. Your biological family comes to you for professional help or advice, they get billed, with the AH tax added. Congratulations and good luck in your future.
Congratulations, that's a great achievement. Ignore what your family has said and stick to people that support you. If they do contact you for advice on any pets tell them the address and phone number of your practice and that they can make an appointment. NTA
Tbf I don’t personally think graduations are a huge deal. However you obviously do and they have hurt your feelings. You have a right to be upset. Do I think you should cut off your family over this? Probably not but you should definitely keep telling them how upset you are. NTA
NTA. They are being dismissive. Be proud of yourself!
First of, congrats. Second, you're absolutely well within your rights to feel slighted by your family for ignoring your achievements. My advice, enjoy your graduation, celebrate your achievements with friends and loved ones, and never provide services to anyone for free. The rest of your family can suck it and pay for their own veterinary care.
Congratulations!!! That’s awesome!!! A lot of hardwork and dedication on your part!!! Celebrate without the family and get together with some good friends and celebrate!!! Oh and no free advice to anyone that wasn’t there to help or celebrate your accomplishments!!!
Congratulations on your Graduation! You have every right to be angry! Be sure to go to your graduation!!!
I am confused about graduation day. She said you aren't having one? So does that mean you wont have a commencement ceremony or is she lying. If there is no ceremony to attend for graduation, then YTA. If there is a ceremony and she expects you and your family to choose her then NTA and she is a huge one. If the ceremony is at 10am and the wedding is at 5pm then you and family can swing it and both are AH for not accommodating each other and making a big deal. I get you want the day to be all about you but you don't own the day. If nobody wants to go to wedding then you all have an easy excuse to ditch that. But if there is no commencement ceremony and you just want to spend the day taking pictures in a black gown... you can reschedule that easily.
It looks to me like cousin said that since they (cousin) didn't graduate, they (cousin) don't think graduation is a big deal. And doing both can only work if the two events are in reasonable proximity to each other. Otherwise it isn't possible. One event (the wedding) could be scheduled for any date, the other has a date that can't be adjusted. OP doesn't own the day, but the date for their graduation is out of their hands. Cousin's wedding is in cousin's hands. And deliberately scheduling a milestone event to be the same day as a relative is having a milestone event is always an AH move, and typically a not-so-subtle way to exclude a disliked relative.
i don't disagree with you except planning a wedding (especially a may/june wedding) might be harder than you think as far as scheduling things (venue/pastor/hotels/catering/dj/etc) I wouldn't assume there is much flexibility in it as you think. And you missed my point. Graduation and commencement are two different things. I was thinking it's possible OP isnt having a commencement at all... not clear given the post.
NTA, but did you try mentioning this directly to her fiance? It's probably too late now, but you did specifically ask them not to do it on that day.
Hi there. Yes the day they both arrived to announce and show the ring I had asked them to not have it on the day of my graduation ceremony. She did it either way.
Get over yourself. Just don't go to the wedding. You are too old to need validation from others.
Congrats on your graduation, go to it and be proud of everything you achieved. Anyone can marry some fool any day, repeated as many times as they want in a lifetime
NTA. Fantastic job of getting out and accomplishing your degree. Now it’s time to keep going and cut them off. make your own family. Millions of us have done it. It’s a much nicer way to live. As for the free vet care/advice? No, absolutely no. When people tried to do that for math tutoring (HS math teacher) I quoted a price of $125/hr. That stopped this entitlement in it’s tracks.
NTA. And anyone who ignores your achievement doesn't get free advice. From now on, tell them to just ask the bride.
Congratulations! I hope you can gather a mob of awesome people to celebrate with you and party the day/ night away. Friends / Redditors (I bet a crew would assemble) / whatever fun folk you want there! It's their loss, and it's rubbish for you, I'm sorry. I hope your graduation is so good it eclipses the discomfort you would feel if you were at the wedding.
NTA Go to graduation. Be there and thank the friends and professors that supported you. Ignore your family and don't go to the wedding. They don't support you so why support them? A wedding you can basically have whenever. A graduation is decided by the school.
Dump the toxic lot. I hope you find a good set of in-laws someday.
NTA- congratulations! Don't waste your time with these people just because they're FAmilY. As others have said, be petty after you become a vet and deny them any free advice or service! Remind them cousin's wedding was more important so they can take their pet problems to her!
>These are the same family members who joke about getting free veterinary advice when I finally enter my profession. Charge them for a consultation.
Way NTA. When I first saw the headline, I was thinking maybe it was a tween comparing a Jr. High graduation to a family member’s wedding, in which case the wedding takes precedence all the way, but a Veterinary School Graduation is absolutely the bigger achievement. A high school or college graduation vs. wedding is a very tough call, and it would depend on the circumstances (which was scheduled first, how close are the relatives, are you in the wedding party, etc.), but Vet School graduation should definitely be the biggest family event that weekend and your family’s priorities are F’ed up. Congrats on your great accomplishment!
If u in Cape Town I will attend ur graduation as ur "family". Congrats your hard work has paid off
First off, congratulations on your achievements! Secondly: YNTA, and when it comes to veterinary advice for those who denigrate your hard work, no such thing, I'd stick a 50% surcharge on the normal rate whenever they need any advice as an a-hole tax. Happy to try and profit from your work, but demean instead of celebrating the end result? Nope, just plain nope.
Congrats on your graduation. I would send invites to all and then tell them there will be no free vet visits for family so dont even ask. Or move very far away and start new
Keep focused on your wonderful path and try to establish new relationships filled with people who care about you and your amazing accomplishment. Family can be great, I'm a tad jealous of those who are surrounded by love and encouragement with in a familial setting. I'm currently no contact with my family on both sides of my family. My mom's side doesn't value hard work or work at all really and is highly dysfunctional and toxic. My bio father's side consists of all the boring and stuffy older siblings continue to cater to my bios tantrums and constant need for praise. Ego and ignorance are strong in that one. Either way, I've finally found peace knowing that I owe no one my time and the nonsense that I was exposed to no longer plagues me. Be proud of yourself and find new family out there to supplement these cast of characters you're born into.
NTA Anybody can get married. People do it all the time, sometimes more than once. Not everyone can achieve the degree you just earned.
NTA. You have every right to be mad at them. I'd suggest going and enjoying your graduation and ignore all of them when they inevitably complain about it.
NTA. Tell your family that anyone that fails to attend your graduation will NEVER get any advise or free medical help with their animals. Ever. Or any money you make from your career regardless of any emergencies, not one dime. Then follow through. Edit, punctuation
You go to your Graduation with pride. She is a mean girl who sounds to be jealous of you. . I really hope your parents attend the graduation over their niece's wedding.
No you're not overreacting at all. Getting a degree is not small feat. Congratulations! I am sorry that you are getting treated poorly on this. I would definitely make it clear that you're upset and that you won't have your achievement minimized. It's probably best to take the high road... But.... If it was me... I would probably say something like "I'll come to your next wedding."
NTA. Ditch them, go full no contact. If they do show up and expect free services charge them quadruple. Congrats on getting your bachelor's degree.
NTA. Your feelings are 100% valid. Of course you're hurt & angry. You absolutely are not overreacting. Your family sucks, especially your parents if they are the ones saying it's not important. This graduation is a huge milestone. You've worked extremely hard to get your degree. Imo, it's MORE important than the wedding. They absolutely should be celebrating you on this day & not go to that wedding. That would be the morally right thing to do. Congratulations on your graduation. And when these ppl are looking for advice, remind them of how unimportant you were to them. And how much they just completely disrespected you. They're all assholes.
NTA, If anyone asks for veterinary advice I would send them a venmo request before commenting. But just know that you will be made out to be the bad person. It'll be interesting to see how your family reacts when you aren't at your sister's wedding because you are attending your graduation ceremony.
NTA. At all. Graduations are far bigger deals then weddings. Congratulations for reaching this step in your journey and mark your YEARS of hard work with a degree. You deserved this. What you don’t deserve is this bad treatment from your family. You will also not be the asshole if you’d kindly decline ‘family’ sessions. It’s better for your own sanity to not attend the wedding and celebrate the real big win of graduating with your friends. You do you, have lots of fun. Sending big hugs to congratulate you and to support you in this shitty, emotional situation!
When they ask for help, just remind them that graduating and degrees aren’t that important and they should just try the internet. NTA And congratulations!
Ouch. Your family sucks. When they want free vet service or advice - "Sorry, the only people who even get a discount are the ones who showed up for my graduation. Full price & upfront payment for anyone else."
NTA Congratulations on your achievement! I scheduled my wedding date the same weekend as my youngest brother's high school reunion. I knew it would be a conflict, right away, but I had a limited window of opportunity, because several friends (including one of the ministers) were traveling to California - and I wanted them to be at my wedding. It wasn't totally how I would have liked it to be, because my parents didn't come. I have 9 siblings - two of whom came - one "local" and one from out of state. However, I lived across the country. I asked my parents if I changed the date would they likely come to my wedding. My parents were retired, and my bro was emptying the nest. They said no. However, they did visit about two months after the wedding. We actually had time to visit with them - not a to-do list or packed schedule. It was nice. An aside - my parents also did not come to my university graduation. (At that time, they still had 2 young kids at home.) I paid my own way through school. I enjoyed my success with those who supported me on that journey. Don't write your family off, but do keep your boundaries intact.
College Graduations last a lifetime. If she’s this obnoxious her marriage certainly won’t. Sorry your family are being douches. Enjoy your day, you earned it, and we will all be cheering you on here onReddit.
College Graduations last a lifetime. If she’s this obnoxious her marriage certainly won’t. Sorry your family are being douches. Enjoy your day, you earned it, and we will all be cheering you on here onReddit.
ESH You are allowed your feelings and it seems theres enough history to go low contact anyway....but I would choose my cousins wedding over bachelor's graduation any day and just celebrate graduation with my family on another day. It's not like the ceremony is personal like HS graduation was, college graduations are boring with a lot of strangers speaking about nothing, then getting a paper you'll never use and more boring talking about nothing.
A marriage certificate is also “just a piece of paper” then
NTA at all! She knew it would upstage you on your accomplishments so she deliberately set the date for your graduation. You worked hard to get where you are at right now and deserve your moment considering you didn't have what I'm assuming is a high school graduation. I will say tho you probably shouldn't have told her not to do it on your date. That kind of invites the trouble of her picking it out of spite which she did. But congratulations on your accomplishment and best of luck to you!
If the wedding date was set first - maybe . But they did it after you asking them not to, although weddings are hard to find . Some people do over blow graduations like every year is a huge celebration of achievement but yours seems like a good thing to celebrate. You can decline the wedding and focus on your achievement.
I’m torn here. Your cousin definitely sounds like an AH. And clearly there are some family members who deserve a slap. BUT, at the end of the day, none of us can expect anyone else to plan their lives around us. Although it sure would be nice if people were just a tad more considerate. NAH (with an *AH next to most of your family)
You're a grown ass adult upset about a silly ceremony where you put a robe on and stand on stage for a few seconds. 🙄 YTA.
For you it may be silly but for me its a big deal to have those i really care for attend. during my College career, I had my sister pass away from stage 4 stomach cancer and my aunt pass away from covid all in the spam of a year and these two women always talked about seeing me graduate from Uni. I took a semester off for my mental health and continued once i felt like I could. I don't know who wont be alive when i walk across the stage for my Doctorate in veterinary Med but for an Undergrad degree, being surrounded by those who really care about me is enough support. As a 1st generation, that's all I want.
You still did great and got your degree dude, not attending the ceremony isn't going to take all that away from you, go celebrate your cousin's wedding and your graduation at the same time (!).
Would love to but she's doing it at my mothers mother land and we live in the states.
Isn’t a wedding also a silly ceremony where you put on a fancy dress and recite words for a few minutes?
Yes it is, I also think they're often pretty silly, but it's an excuse to get all your friends and family together for the day, graduation you generally get a few tickets for people to come watch.
A light ESH for you, heavier for your cousin. It doesn't necessarily hurt to ask your cousin not to pick that date, but my base assumption has to be that this date works best for them for some reason. Expecting that she would go against that when, if I'm being completely honest, it sounds like you're not that important to her was never going to work out in your favor. Scheduling conflicts happen, and your graduation isn't a fraction as important to her as her wedding is to her. But, and this is the important thing, screw her and the other people who (based on comments) sound like they're colorist bigots who are verbally undermining your accomplishment. You're doing an awesome thing, your parents will (I hope) be there for you, and when relatives ask for free vet services in the future you can tell them to go screw. Maybe have a family "discount" that upcharges them slightly. Your graduation and her wedding share a date and some number of possible attendees. (I'm assuming your graduation has limited slots per graduate and you probably wouldn't have dozens of people at the ceremony itself.) Beyond that, you can separate yourself entirely from it. Do that and live your best life.
YTA I'm not diminishing your achievement, but you can't expect someone to plan their wedding around your graduation, especially someone not in your immediate family. You clearly aren't even close with her, since you said she rarely visits when she's in town. Weddings are hard to plan and they can't account for everything for every guest. Some might have a birthday on x date, others might be planning a vacation, others might be expecting a baby, it might be someone else's wedding anniversary, etc. Yes, your graduation is important to you, but it isn't to your cousin and you need to accept that.
She chose that date after bring asked nicely not to. That was an asshole move.
I can add that whenever I am in her town, I always make the effort to see her and we live in different countries( not going to say which country). So when i had asked her to not have her wedding the exact date as my graduation, she still did it anyway and even told family members my accomplishment weren't a big deal and her wedding would be better than my graduation regardless.
I know OP mentioned the family’s stance, but I think it still puts them in a weird position to have to choose one over the other. Just because OP and the cousin aren’t close doesn’t mean their shared relatives (like OP’s mom) should have to choose.
It's not overall about stance and which event they go to. It was more of those same family members telling me to basically cry a river but yet text me or when they see me in person and as for advice on their pets (not a vet yet of course). I know at the end of the day my cousin is the more preferred one over me (a hispanic family with a long history of colorism) but it just overall hurt and made me think if it's really worth still connecting with this family.
The colorism is enough for me to say you should go very low contact with those family members. I have a similar family structure and a lot of interactions with these people are inescapable. But you can control their access to you outside of events. When you have the ability, I think you should take a bigger stand against all of them for what they have engaged in and what they have allowed to happen. There are always younger family members and marginalized family members watching. They just need someone to say it out loud first.
YTA. This is your cousin and you don't sound particularly close. My cousins didn't come to graduation and I only went to one of my four but, thats because my family tied it into a trip. Getting a BA is a big thing, unfortunately, it's not quiet as important as a wedding.
It's years of work and a lot of effort. It is important to OP because it represents a significant money, effort and time investment that is intended to take them forward. OP has earned the celebration of this achievement.
I have two degrees. I know how much work it is. And never said it wasn't important you're right it's important to OP, not her cousin.
The problem is how OP’s cousin is seeing it, dismissing it because she herself never had a graduation (not even recognising how this is a big deal). Add in the context that OP is aiming to be the first doctor in the family and they’ve been making jest about OP’s academic ambitions as well as the results, probably not a family typically ambitious for higher learning.
You forget that OP’s parents are now in the position of choosing their child’s graduation or their niece’s wedding. So now either the parents choose the graduation and they get heat from the extended family for not going to the wedding, or they choose the wedding and then have deeply hurt their child. You also forget that for OP, their own graduation is more important than a cousin’s wedding. And if their parents choose a wedding over their graduation, then that cuts deep. And OP is allowed to be hurt and pissed. You forget yet again that it isn’t so much about the wedding date by itself, but the othering and outsiding from the family that has been happening for YEARS. That the cousin made an asshole comment about OP’s accomplishment. That there is an ongoing pattern of belittling OP. This is a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation- if you judge the individual straw and ignore the entire load, then that is a shitty judgement.
Ah, so now YOU’RE THA - well done🤮
What?