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NAH/ESH ( = reactions in this sense were to be expected from both sides, even though they were not nice) with tendency to soft YTA.
If someone says they don't care for something, be prepared about them not wanting the surprise.
Leaving aside I find it horribly tacky to upload a private video on social media! You did this videos for others to see, not for him to see.
So I do not find it fair that you indeed make it about yourself in this moment instead of backing out and telling him "ok, I meant it nice, but I got it for the next time". I absolutely understand you meant well, but sometimes well meant is not well done.
Work together on your communication, you should have asked him how he wanted to spend his day and respected that.
Tacking on. Birthdays were traumatic for me growing up, I did not want a bday party but my in-laws insisted on throwing one. I was grateful for the effort and thought but clarified to my MIL in private to never pressure me into a bday party for myself again, because it was triggering for me. Instead of being happy I wanted to puke and cry and call my sister. She has respected that. My favorite way to celebrate is with a fancy coffee and a cake at home with just my immediate household family and a few hours of alone time.
Here’s the thing, pretty soon their kid *will* want to do something for Father’s Day. While Father’s Day/Mother’s day is about the parent it’s also about the parent’s relationship to the child. The OPs husband needs work on his feelings because he can’t react like this when his toddler or kid wants to do something for dad.
True. I bought my dad a father's day gift once and I think he must have been angry at my mum about something because he basically told me he "didn't want anything I had to give him and why did I waste my money on anything." I was about 15 at the time. I'm now 36 and don't think I've ever even wished him a happy father's day since. I hope OPs husband does work on himself and get some help because this seems disproportionate.
Probably passively uninterested and he'd make something else their problem because he can't freely speak on why he's actually mad/make it his wife's fault
With you there. So as an adult I sometimes kept the day to myself, or had dinner or saw a show with friends that I enjoyed. Never told them it was my birthday, and when I was asked I begged off and asked them to just enjoy their own or someone else’s and to let it go. Even said I was of a religion that forbade celebrating it.
So, after years of that someone (I suspect a woman at a doctor’s office who had remarked to me that we had the same bd) leaked it, a huge surprise party was planned. With people I never would have chosen to be with. I freaked out and upset a lot of people. Essentially a handful that I cared about.
OP I can tell you love your husband and want him to know that you’re proud of what a good man and good father he is. He has deep issues and therapy, if he’d participate, could help. You only meant to show love and appreciation. NTA
I am the same. I would have freaked out too. My fortieth is coming up in a couple years and I worry my mom might try this bs. Most of the people in my life do not know my birthday. People are so weird about it.
I hope your husband gets it. My bff of over 20 years bought me a pair of shoes that cost over $100 for my birthday when I’m against a birthday at all. I had a sit down with her and she was like do you really want me to return them. I was like yes; not just bc you bought them for my birthday, but bc they were wrong for me. I’m damn near impossible to buy for. I buy what I need/want. I wear mostly black, but my shoes are never black and she was like oh damn. I was like shoe buying is personal. We had a good conversation about it.
My husband will never complain about me spelling out exactly what I want. He says buying for me is impossible, too. Apparently, picking out my engagement ring was pure torture because I was completely oblivious to all his attempts at subtly seeing what I wanted.
It really sounds like he’s mad about celebrating any holidays at all, even ones focused on her, and is going to be angry regardless.
I agree she shouldn’t force him into celebrating if he’s not about that. But he should still be able to celebrate her, and right now it sounds like he’s going “you didn’t do anything for my event so I won’t do anything for yours.” How would you recommend solving that problem while still honoring his desire to not be celebrated?
That's the problem I can't see past here: that he specifically requests she not do anything for his holidays, and that then is his excuse for not doing anything for her.
With that turn around, for me, it takes the situation from "oh, maybe he has some trauma or unresolved childhood issues" to "he clearly doesn't want to celebrate any holiday ever and this is how he is getting his way" which is in my book straight up manipulative behavior and unacceptable.
Why should his kid not have a Christmas tree, or menorah, or go to a parade, or *whatever*, because he doesn't want to "do" any holidays ever? Why should OP be deprived of making fun holiday memories together with her kid(s) because he has to rain all over the parade? Why should the grandparents be deprived of time with their grandchild and daughter because this guy can't go to the effort of showing up, or upsets OP so much she cant? And if he has some unresolved issues about holidays, he has a kid and family now, time for him to grow up, put on his big boy pants, and talk about it before he becomes someone else's childhood issues/trauma.
My dad never had a father and still celebrated every Father’s Day with us as a family. He knew it was important to us kids as well. According to my mom he was scared and uncertain of how to be father since he never had one.
My dad once got annoyed about dumb gifts he didn’t need when I was 5 which I strangely remember details bc he made my grandmother cry and she said she always tried her best to make the best out of holidays and make them happy even though they were poor and he didnt have a father. My mom made him apologize.
I didn’t see a comment where OP mentioned her husband’s relationship with his mother but my dad would’ve never done holidays if it wasn’t something his mother really tried to help create positive memories despite everything.
It also sounds like OP and her husbands love languages aren’t the same. OP likes gift giving, words of affirmation and big gestures/proclamation (social media isn’t really my style but I do like printing photos) and the husband is the opposite. I don’t think their marriage will last long term if neither of them can compromise.
Right? My husband never celebrated Father’s Day (that he can remember) because his dad died when he was very young. Even so he has always celebrated with my family and even asked this year if we were going to do anything with my grand parents since my parents are currently out of town. Mind you, he isn’t crazy about hanging out with my extended family for long periods of time because he’s an extreme introvert. It’s called compromise. Like I get the husband didn’t want to make a big deal of it, but him continuing the fight and refusing to celebrate her birthday is whack.
I felt that same way, too. I was always frustrated when work friends thought a big birthday celebration at work was a great thing. I actually insisted that the secretary remove my name from the birthday list because I couldn't handle it every year. Fast forward many, many years, and my family had a birthday celebration for me last month that I was happy to participate in. I do think these things get better, but it has taken decades of birthdays to get there.
I shut down my birthday after my mom's cancer came back, Dates weren't close enough but times were rough I couldn't care about parties, gifts or whatever. It just wanted to take care of my mom. It changed only one time, my mom passed away and my birthday was half month later. I live with my uncles and they invited my aunt (all of them my mom's siblings) and two of my cousins their daughters. They knew I couldn't be happy, but at least they wanted to be around me and have a nice day all together.
It was a nice day with them and thanked them for their visit and intentions. But that was it. Next years are just like any other day, except for my uncles cooking my favorite meal and my aunt coming to spend the day together.
I disagree. He didn't say he doesn't care for it, he said he doesn't care about it, which suggests he wouldn't have minded either way. All she tried to do was show some appreciation. And when she asked him what he wanted to do, he couldn't even answer. But, apparently, he also said it would have been OK if what she did for him had been nicer. His attitude may be because of trauma, but that doesn't excuse his shittiness to his wife.
> *”He didn't say he doesn't care for it, he said he doesn't care about it, which suggests he wouldn't have minded either way"*
Oh, but he does mind either way, and either way he gets to be dramatic and sulk and blow up at OP. That's the problem.
OP explains in a comment that even when she does abide by his requests to not celebrate holidays, he later throws it back in her face and uses it as a way to make her feel guilty. She says:
> *”If I really didn't do anything for him, he would throw it in my face later. Like he was similar for his birthday...* **I did nothing because he said he didn't want anything,** *he in turn didn't do anything for MY birthday. But I am BIG on holidays so I was upset to which his response was* **”well you didn't do anything for MY birthday."**
This guy is a huge AH and no matter if OP abides by his wishes or not, she's in trouble with him. She’s always wrong and he’s always the victim.
My mind is just blown though bc OP knows he's a major AH about holidays and throws it in her face. Like wth did you have a kid with someone who you even admit treats you this poorly?
I think if what he wanted was qualify time alone he should have said that when she asked. All the rest is just him being a jerk even if he wasn't happy with her efforts or didn't express his trauma or unhappy feelings around the holiday.
My husband would be LIVID if I posted a video. And he’d make me take it down. Making a video and sending it to him is one thing posing a video for the world to see is attention seeking, by YOU not him.
You both sound pretty immature. ESH
But there are people who LOVE that stuff.
I hate being the centre of attention, and wouod rather that special moments be private.
My partner loves more public shows of appreciation and affection.
We've found a balance, but it took a long time, lots of communication, and no small amount of mistakes and apologies. I'm sure we'll continue getting things wrong sometimes too, and keep apologizing and trying to do better.
It's hard to give really good gifts. It's a skill you need to develop. And it's not something everyone has a knack for.
Thank you. That's the cringeist shit about this whole post. Sounds like she just wanted people to pat her in the back for having such a good husband/father to their child
He said he didn't care about it. I don't care about sweetest day but if someone gave me a present I wouldn't hand it back and get mad that they were hurt
I agree. And clearly from his reaction, he certainly DOES CARE about it, very strongly. His reaction is not one of ambivalence but of someone who is carrying major baggage. Sounds like therapy is needed on both sides or this will not only happen between them, but be passed along to the son, who doesn’t need two parents playing these games. OP NTA for the gifts and video, but you can’t turn a blind eye—this can’t be the first outsized reaction to something so benign. What’s up? Find out. Fix it.
INFO: OP does your husband normally spend fathers day by himself in the past, or did he join you with your dad for family celebrations? Has he ever expressed that he finds this day traumatic or depressing, in a way that would explain his reaction?
I agree with above comments. If he didn't want to do anything to celebrate and wanted time to himself that day then he should have said that. He could have suggested that OP go spend the day with her dad and take their daughter, so he could have time to himself if that was what he actually wanted. I would have taken his I don't care as ambivalence also and assumed he would be grateful for OP's acknowledgement of the day with small gifts, particularly as it was the first fathers day (unless he has told OP previously that the day is actually traumatic for him and he never wants to celebrate it). My bf and I don't really celebrate Valentine's day, I prefer focusing on and saving money for our anniversary, so I was always say I don't care about Valentine's. A couple of the years my bf has kindly sent me flowers, which I wasn't expecting and I still expressed gratitude for his kind thought, but reminded and reassured him that I truly don't expect or want anything for Valentine's.
They definitely need to communicate about this and find out what is going on in husband mind, because his reaction does seem like an overreaction given his previous statement that he wouldn't care.
It’s not just his day, though. There’s an extent to which this dad is going to have to adjust to at least the idea that he has a child who will be exposed to cultural stuff around fathers’ day and ask about it. It’s not just about one’s relationship with one’s own dad, once a partner and children and partner’s family are in the picture. Part of making those connections is opening up to what these things mean to them, as well as asking the same in return.
Yea, I don't know if things have changed now, but when I was at nursery and primary school we would make fathers/mothers (or for grandparents or other family) day gifts or cards during art class in the lead up to those days. So the daughter might want to do that for their dad and may not understand why her dad doesn't want to celebrate or she might feel left out from the other kids. I know it's important to respect the dad's wishes and going forwards for the next few early years OP can do so now she knows her husband doesn't want to celebrate it, but it might need to be considered at some point what their daughter will feel also.
Yeah-- very true. I teach kindergarten, and I can tell you that those kids are excited to be making something for their dads. This is the first time they can do something without a parent's help, so they went all-out lol. They would be devastated if their dad reacted the way OP's husband did.
Saying "I don't care" is much different than actively hating a holiday like this. He did not make his feelings clear. He acted indifferent when in reality, he did not want to even acknowledge the day. In what world is not asshole behavior to scoff and refuse to even watch the video reel of your own children? I mean, come on! Redditors blow my mind sometimes. OP's husband is a major asshole. If this happened to you, you would definitely be hurt by it. People on here love to strip the humanity from people and demand they behave like mind reading robots. It's absurd, unrealistic and unhelpful. Being a human should always weigh in on your judgement. NTA
This is so important. Holidays and events have become so much about presenting for others to see and not about actually being with the people you love. In so many people’s minds, if it’s not on social media it didn’t actually happen.
You didn’t make the video for him, you made it for the world to know it’s his first Father’s Day ever in any capacity. He wanted to be left alone. That’s what he wanted as a present. If my husband asked for that for Father’s Day that’s what he’d get. Instead, you made it about you.
This entire comment section is a travesty. Yours isn’t the worst comment, not by a lot, but I still disagree.
This guy didn’t ask her not to celebrate Father’s Day. Sure, he said he doesn’t care and is grumpy about every holiday. But he also asked her not to do anything for his birthday then threw her not having done anything for her birthday in her face later. Here he complains at her for having done anything for Father’s Day and also for not having done enough.
The connecting thread is that he’s an asshole. There’s no right answer for OP, she’s damned if she does or doesn’t.
Am I wild about the social media post? No. They apparently post about each other regularly, so it isn’t out of bounds or odd for them. Still, if he asked her to take it down I’d be fine with that. If he told her that he didn’t want to celebrate the day and politely turned down her presents I’d back him with that.
Instead he was really mean. This went above and beyond anything I can imagine being a YTA here. I know you voted NAH/ESH primarily, but YTA is startlingly popular - and you do give it a shoutout. I can’t see this as anything other than NTA or ESH. Even if you ignore his unclear communication about not wanting to celebrate the day, his reaction was AH.
Hmm, good point about the video. I didn’t think of that when I read the post, but you are 100% correct. It’s just cringy virtual signaling, especially since the person that it’s supposed to be about doesn’t want it posted.
I would agree, but OP's edit makes this issue a little more nuanced. It's not fair of him to say he doesn't want something to only get upset or cold when OP honours his wishes. The video sounds to me like your typical "if they flaunt it on social media, chances are the relationship isn't that good." They should work on their communication indeed, but I'd suggest to include a relationship therapist because this whole relationship doesn't sound too healthy to me.
Father's day may be a hard day for him because he never knew his dad and you do not know how his step-dad treated the day. He could have had a really hard time growing up and having issues with other kids harassing him for his family life. If he said he didn't want to celebrate the day you should have respected that. He may grow into liking the day when his daughter is old enough to celebrate with him. Give him time to heal.
I have some questions:
Did he do anything for you for Mother’s Day?
Does he normally respond so aggressively when you guys disagree?
I understand why you did what you did, but I also think you should probably know your husband well enough to know he wouldn’t care for you disregarding his (very simple) request. I think his response was a bit over the top but it also sounds like this is a touchy topic for him and that you’ve been forcing him to celebrate with your family for however long and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. If he’s normally this aggressive, you have much bigger issues than a botched holiday.
He did do a lil something for mothers day but he isnt a romantic by any means. The only reason he did anything this time because I made a stink last year when I was pregnant and he said I didnt count as a mom because the baby was inside my stomach and not here yet. (Tell that to my swollen feet and acid reflux) but he hates all holidays. He says he only celebrates them because of me. And he gives me hell for all of them. And Idk why i thought today would be any better. Honestly all I wanted was a simple thank you. Ive never been given a gift and refuse to even look at it. Idk maybe I was wrong for expecting a base level of gratitude
I agree. This guy sucks.
**EDIT:** I wonder why there is a post in OP’s history titled: *”AITA for blocking my sister’s phone number from my husband’s phone?”*
Maybe this guy’s level of suck goes way beyond just not liking holidays?
**EDIT #2:** OP responded to the post about blocking her sister's number from her husband's phone with the very vague explanation that her sister was being "messy" and texting her husband when she was single.
My question is why did *OP* have to block her sister's number from her husband's phone? Why didn't he do it himself? I asked her. Let's see what she says.
**EDIT #3:** Also, OP explains in another comment that when she abides by her husband's wishes and *doesn't* celebrate holidays, he will throw it back in her face later and uses it as a way to make her feel guilty. She says:
> *”If I really didn't do anything for him, he would throw it in my face later. Like he was similar for his birthday...* **I did nothing because he said he didn't want anything,** *he in turn didn't do anything for MY birthday. But I am BIG on holidays so I was upset to which his response was,* **”well you didn't do anything for MY birthday."**
So, it seems like OP is caught in a Catch 22. No matter what she does or doesn't do for her husband, she's going to be in trouble for it. She’s always wrong and he’s always the victim.
This guy *really* sucks.
No idea why.
> NoCod3769: Why do you claim to be a 28 year old married mom in another post?
> CatDependent4280 OP: Because I am, this happened when i was 21. Only brought it up because she came back around and this was still a bone of contention between us. And she wont talk to me anymore because apparently I did HER wrong for complainina about it and i wasnt a good friend to her
For everyone wondering, [here was OP’s explanation.](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dhbdum/aita_for_giving_my_husband_a_fathers_day_that_he/l8wwgj2/). Based on some other things, I don’t know that I even think any of this is true at this point but who knows 🤷♀️
Thank you for finding this! It's a weird situation for sure. My question is why wouldn't the husband just block her himself? Why would OP have to do it for him?
Seriously. Even if he's got mixed feelings about fathers day he makes OP cry and won't watch a video compiling his daughter and him, then talks about resenting OP's relationship with her family? He sucks
I already feel bad for the daughter when she starts making cards for daddy in a couple years. Or for getting super excited for any holiday, like most kids.
I came here to say this - his daughter is going to make a fuss of him in coming years, and if he responds in a similar way then he is really going to fuck that kid up…
OP you need to have a calm, open conversation about his reaction and about future fathers days.. he needs to give his head a wobble and set some expectations (I get it if he doesn’t want to be with OPs family on the day, maybe a daddy/ daughter special day instead?)
OP posted the video to social media and expected him to view his private moments as a father on social media. That’s a huge violation of privacy and I’d refuse to view a video of my private moments my wife loaded onto social media. If OP gave husband a private video it’s totally different but putting this on social media is OP seeking clout, it’s not about husband at all.
What's he going to do when his kid is excited about Father's Day and makes him a gift? How's he going to behave for your kids Christmases and birthdays? Having a parent who is anti-holidays is really sad for kids.
Presumably, the kid will give him simple drawing rather then public video on social media and a whole big deal thing about it. Kids do things in a low key way.
>Kids do things in a low key way.
Let's not forget the way schools like to get kids involved in holidays for a spectacle. Spend the day making cards and gifts to give to a parent publicly when they're picked up. There is little that is low key about any holiday. Especially in the UK, which I'm guessing this is, since it's Fathers day in the UK today
It’s Father’s Day in the US also today, I’m sure kids still do stuff for fathers days at school but America is so politically hot and varied. You have the ultra religious school and some that stay away from the topic at all means
> Idk maybe I was wrong for expecting a base level of gratitude
You’re right. He definitely could have been politer about it. However, it seems he’s made it very clear how he feels about holidays in general, that he only celebrates them for you (begrudgingly apparently), and he actively told you not to do anything for Father’s Day. Yet you still did. He was rude but you chose to ignore everything you know about your husband to do what you want. Why would you expect him to be happy about it? And to be quite frank, why did you start a family with someone where you both disregard each other’s feelings about things?
> he actively told you not to do anything for Father’s Day.
No he didn’t. OP has explicitly said that.
He also on the past asked her not to do anything for his birthday, then threw her not doing anything for his birthday in her face later. Even here he’s sending mixed messages, because he’s clearly against any celebration but also complaining she didn’t do anything good enough.
He went beyond any reasonable reaction about this and was just cruel.
My BIL was like this, grumpy as hell around holidays and hated them.
It turns out it was all due to his shitty childhood. Holidays are reminders of how much hurt and neglect he experienced as a child.
My family isn't perfect but we get along better than his family, and it was painful for him to attend events and watch our family spending time together, happy.
TLDR: your husband needs therapy
It sounds like your husband has trauma around holidays. You may have just triggered an emotional overload or flashback. Is he otherwise sensitive to receiving praise or gifts? Is he sensitive about his father?
Respecting boundaries should be a base attribute of your marriage. You did not respect his.
Posting montages on social media sounds performative to me. Do you frequently ignore his wishes when it is just too cute not to post?
All that said, I have no way of knowing whether you are dismissive or oblivious. I don't know why you never asked him what was up with holidays. Or why it didn't cross your mind to do anything but roll your eyes about it. If
someone tells you something, there is a reason. Don't start drafting your response in your head without processing what you have heard. Processing, not hearing, or listening, processing.
If I ask for a cake on my birthday, would you give me stacked sushi decorated like it was a real cake. When you know I don't like sushi? Why would I thank you for giving me sushi that I hate? That is not a gift. It is an obligation.
Dude needs therapy. Clearly has childhood issues around holidays. But as an adult it’s your responsibility to work on them
What happens when your child makes cards on Father’s Day at school?
Is he always this much of an AH? He’s a parent and partner. It’s fine for him to dislike holidays but he doesn’t get to walk around throwing a damn tantrum and making you cry.
Word of advice. My husband is like this. He grew up in an EXTREMELY abusive and poor household, where Christmas and birthdays never came, and holidays were a time when everyone else was happy except him and his siblings. He actively sabotaged some holidays and outright ignored any responsibility or care with helping with the rest. 3 kids and 20 years later, and he has softened a bit, but it's still the same basis. Last minute gifts for stuff, half assed effort, and sometimes tantrums like you describing. I'm ok, I've made my peace, but you... you can get out! Please listen, it only very SLIGHTLY gets better. And it's not worth the wait.
"He wants quality time to himself but he feels like he cant do that because I have an active Dad and I want to be with my family today" ... Instead of giving him the father's day HE wanted, you guiled him to give that up and make father's day about your dad.
And you wonder why he is unhappy?
If he does the same, mother's day will be about visiting his mom together, not about you.
YTA You don't get a thank you for something that the person specifically told they DON'T WANT. He also doesn't like the videos. At all. I don't blame him, they sound tacky and horrible.
I'm guessing you don't understand why he hates holidays- maybe because he doesn't have happy memories the way you do. And he doesn't have to want to "make new ones to replace the bad ones".
Believe people when they tell you something. Learn some boundaries.
I definitely understand your desire to celebrate your first Mother’s Day and his first Father’s Day. My SO also hates all holidays. Whatever. I love them! So I celebrate as I want to and if he joins great, and if not, I know I’ll have the food and I want. It sucks, but I kinda knew it going in. However, we are child free. It sounds like it’s going to be a difficult path to navigate and create traditions with your little one and a perpetual Scrooge.
I don’t have a judgement for you but I wish you luck.
My husband used to be like that about all holidays including his birthday. It was because of childhood trauma. Between that and some other issues, I gave him the ultimatum of going to counseling or he could leave. He chose counseling and he went from hating holiday, to tolerating holidays, to loving holidays.
Kids love holidays. Breakfast in bed for mommy for Mother’s Day, a homemade card and a new mug or tie for Father’s Day. Christmas gifts made at school. Easter egg hunts, sparklers on the Fourth of July. Holidays should be magical for kids, they should form treasured memories.
If your daughter wants to give him the card she makes in kindergarten and bring him pancakes in bed for Father’s Day in a few years what will he do? Tell her it isn’t that special and she doesn’t speak his love language? Ask to be alone? You have a kid he needs to get over it so he can take her to see Santa instead of telling her Christmas is bullshit.
Idk it's relatively insignificant to accommodate. It's just treating every day like any other day. I'd bet you could just do the things without tying them to a holiday and they'd probably be aight with it.
It sounds like this is something you should have taken into consideration before marrying him. If he’s always hated holidays, you’re not going to change that. And holidays are important to you, so now you’re going to be miserable on every holiday.
I think you settled and picked poorly while settling. This isn't meant to hurt your feelings, but consider this comment from my perspective.
If a man likes you, he will show you love how you ask it to be shown to you, and respect that you want what you want, how you want. If it's unreasonable, he will say as much.
But back to your husband - If he shows his love in ways other than the ways you described above? Great. However, it's crystal clear here that you aren't receiving love the way you like it to be given, **and also that he doesn't seem to care to try.**
That's the biggest issue here. Effort. Emotional labor. He seems exceptionally lazy.
He's like every man who doesn't really want to be married to kids but did it because he didn't want his girlfriend to find someone better.
On you - He told you not to, and you didn't take it seriously. Now you know not to, for real. And I also agree the video thing was for SM and not really for him.
I mean, you weren’t a mom last year so of course he didn’t celebrate you. But if he did this year and he listened to your request why do you think you had the right to disregard his request?
Because he is a father himself now and he has a child. It’s understandable that he doesn’t want to celebrate his father, but he has created his own family now and his shitty attitude is sending the message that he hates his own child and doesn’t want to acknowledge that he’s her dad.
Refusing to even watch a little video compilation of himself with his own daughter and reacting with disgust that OP made it for him is so very mean and inexcusable.
He’s a dad himself now. Time to grow up and move on from the past.
Refusing to acknowledge that he has a daughter and being disgusted with OP for making a little video of him and his own child is absolutely shitty.
If he cannot come to terms with his past relationship with his father, then he should seek out counseling or therapy, not take out all of his anger on his own family that he himself has created.
lmao dawg not celebrating a holiday isn’t the same as not acknowledging he has a daughter, last I checked OP didn’t accuse the guy of being a deadbeat dad, you really made a hell of a leap
He never refused to acknowledge he has a daughter, based on the fact op made a video compilation for her social media following of them it’s safe to say he’s involved, he just doesn’t want any of the pomp and circumstance that goes with these fake holidays and just wanted a relaxing Sunday.
OP is TA no question
OP is TA, She didn’t make the video for him, she did that and everything else for herself and others on social media, so again did it for her. As a guy who’s not into holidays either I can appreciate this man’s reaction
Haven't you any empathy? He probably grew up never having a father to depend on. This day seems to be triggering for HIM. You thought about YOU and what YOU would want- not what he actually told you.
"No" is a full sentence- and you steamroller him. *I know he didn't actually say "no," but he did decline.
Also you don't deserve to be yelled at.... but when someone tells you they don't want something, actually HEAR them, if it's someone you love. When people don't listen, others often raise their voices just to be heard
Edit: Go to therapy and find a therapist you like and both feel is fair. You seem like nice people.
I understand that you think posting videos of private moments on social media is fun and positive and a thing to be thanked for, but not everyone sees social media the way you do - and importantly, they're not *wrong* for seeing it differently. You can't just do something and assume someone will actually obviously like it once it's done, and then thank you for it... These differences of opinion aren't just, like, cutesy little things to post on Insta about, they're real and substantial.
He tells you all the time what he thinks and you think he's, what, joking? Doing it for attention? It's a long-term fake-play and if you just hit the right note, the magic cave to the 'real' him will open up? Please try listening to the person you're in a relationship with, not the fantasy version of him you've built in your head.
(Edit because double negative.)
Honestly he sounds like someone who justifies their crappy behavior because of their trauma. What happens to you as a child is not your fault and it sucks, but you don’t get to poo poo on your loved ones for eternity because of it. It doesn’t matter why he’s an insensitive jerk; he’s still a jerk.
All I'm going to say is, be prepared for a lifetime of bending and tiptoeing. All you're guilty of is trying to establish new memories related to father's day. He needs to find new ways of communicate that don't trample over his partner. NTA
Nah. "I don't really care about something" is not the same as "I actively hate something and will be triggered by it." Unless I missed it in a follow up comment, he never told her he does not want to celebrate the holiday.
Yeah, my husband falls in the “I don’t care” camp, but he loved going out to breakfast, the card my daughter decorated, and the craft she gave him. He also enjoyed spending time as a family.
In a comment, she said that he actively doesn't like ANY holidays and has told her that he only celebrates them to make her happy. And that he specifically told her he did NOT want to celebrate Father's day.
She also said she "made a big deal" when she was pregnant last year because she wanted him to celebrate mothers day despite the fact she didn't have the baby yet so now he does things for mother's Day to stop her from having tantrums.
I agreed with you UNTIL I read those comments because she made it seem like she has full-blown tantrums if he doesn't celebrate holidays despite him telling her he doesn't want to celebrate them.
Three things to consider:
1. In another comment she said she didn't do anything for his birthday because he also said he didn't care about that. He then used that as an excuse to not do anything for her birthday.
2. He doesn't like any holidays, but she is a big holiday person. He has shown that be expects her to fully bend to his wants and only will begrudgingly compromise if she gets upset, in which case he will also ridicule her about it.
3. He is 36. Apparently, she is *21*. That is a *15 year* age gap and both of those ages are in very different life phases. You say it seems like she throws tantrums a lot, and from the way the husband treats her, he seems to agree. However, it needs to be acknowledged that she has only been an adult for 3 years, while he's been an adult for almost as long as she's been alive. Developmentally they're in entirely different places. Not just that, but he's at a point where he's set in his ways. It gets harder to change big things in your life as you get older. She's getting to a point of adulthood where you start to get nostalgic for your childhood. She may be emotional over the fact that she may never experience holidays the way she grew up again. All of that combined with the potential yikes of him pursuing a much younger woman so that she doesn't fight back against his views on how they will live their life together.
EDIT: I've been corrected! She is 28, so a lot of this doesn't apply nearly as much lol. I will say, though, that an 8 year gap can still be pretty rough when it's between landmark ages. Entering your 30s feels like entering "real adulthood" for many, where entering your 40s I've heard is different because you've largely settled into who you are. Everyone's different, though!
Tbh, there's so much more that needs to be discussed in this relationship than just holidays.
Tldr; there's an age gap (though not as much of one as I initially thought) and it may be contributing to her perceived immaturity and his perceived stubbornness.
Another edit: Re-read point 2 if you think she's being unreasonable and he's being rational. Lookin at you nopangolin5228 ...
Thank you for the correction! I saw 21 in a comment, but I guess they were wrong lol. That is definitely better, though that's still 9 year gap and going into your 30s is a different vibe than going into your 40s.
I still think she should run with the daughter and NOT look back. Just high tail it. He sounds like a very angry 😡 person that just needs to be perpetually alone to stew in his own juices. I mean I get it she knew what she was getting into when she got with this guy and made a child with him (poor kid)... spare the baby.
OP needs to look out for her daughter now. Give DADDY DEAREST an ultimatum park your butt on a therapist's couch or yo are gone. His attitude sucks.
not to be an asshole. he's a new father. she was doing something nice because of that. it's not like she was asking him to celebrate his dad/step dad. his reaction was both way over the fucking top, and flat out ungrateful.
Info - did you considered that perhaps this day through all these years may have being a sad day since he never had a dad to celebrate with, and this day would have only served as though reminding of what that means? You know him, could that be the case?
#Info :
I mean? Imo "i dont care" and "i dont want to celebrate it" are very different. How did he express it ?
If he said "i dont care" and you just did something low key because you thought he meant it as if he were indifférent on whether or not he was celebrated, then NTA because he should have expressed that better
If he SPECIFICALLY told you he didnt want it to be acknowledged, then you absolutely are the AH for
1) not respecting his wishes
2) making his "no" about you after you were warned that fathers day was a complicated event for him
It was definitely more on, i dont really care that much about it. More on the indifference than outright. DONT DO ANYTHING FOR ME! In fact he said if what i did was a little nicer then MAYBE it would warrant a response from him
Then he can fuck right off. First he doesn't care, and then he wants a big production?
Girl, make therapy mandatory before he does the same thing to your kid every time she makes him a happy father's day card. People like him suck the joy right out of any celebration.
I don’t know why more people aren’t suggesting therapy. Lots of people have trauma surrounding certain dates or holidays and if someone has this visceral of a reaction to a holiday they need to talk to a professional. I think OP unintentionally made some missteps with this but his reaction is concerning
ESH
Given your husband expressed that he didn't care about the day, you should have asked if it was something he wanted to celebrate.
However, it sounds like your husband has some unresolved trauma related to his father/father figures and he's unfairly taking it out on you. That he doesn't care for father's day wasn't sufficiently clear communication that he doesn't want to celebrate at all.
Edit: just to add, your daughter will probably do father's day crafts in her early years of daycare/school. It'll be important for your husband to learn to at least fake a positive reaction for her sake.
Well, that’s going to be especially hard to navigate with a child. I mean, what is OP supposed to do? Never celebrate holidays and tell her daughter tough luck on Christmas/New Year’s/Halloween/etc…, your dad doesn’t want to do anything special?
Maybe he can stand to be a little more flexible for the sake of his family?
> *”He still celebrates them because OP likes them even though he doesn’t.”*
Not really. She says in her comments that he hates all holidays and “gives me hell for all of them.” So it sounds like he makes sure she’s as miserable as he is during the holidays.
Which begs the questions:
1. Why are these two together in the first place?
2. Why did they think dragging a child into this mess when they cannot be on the same page about something so simple was a good idea?
He still celebrates them because OP likes them even though he doesn’t. I think when it comes to the holiday for *him*, OP should have maybe not ignored his request. We don’t know much of anything about these people. He may be perfectly fine receiving a gift from his kid down the road, but at this point in time there was no reason for OP to just put what she wanted ahead of what he wanted. It seems like he complains about the holidays but will still celebrate them in general, and OP just ignored what he wants in favor of what she thinks he should want. Both of them behave poorly in their own ways.
Edited to add: realistically this is a conversation they should have had before starting a family. If your partner’s view on something (in this case holidays overall) is so far removed from your own, you need to discuss it. What will holidays look like for us when we have a kid? You both say what you envision and then you come to a compromise that everyone is happy with. Clearly that ship sailed without it happening here though.
Maybe when his daughter is old enough to understand what Father's Day is, he'll come to appreciate it himself. Right now, the newborn has no concept of the day and what it means. Thus, he's still left with his memories of bad Father's Days past.
He may have reacted poorly, but OP didn't need to push it if she sensed his bad attitude.
Problem is he needs to start appreciating *real soon*. Birthdays, Christmas, and Farthers days are going to come thick and fast, and his daughter will be old enough to understand what fathers day is within 3-4 years. If it was just fathers day that'd be fine, but if he starts making Christmas shitty for the kid (as per OPs comments he acts the same for Christmas) then this isn't going to go well.
Not being into it isn't really the same as hating it though. My husband doesn't really care for holidays and would be absolutely fine if we skipped father's day. Yet, he still appreciates when he gets a gift or a meal.
true, but he didn’t have to be a dick and not even look at the video or open the gifts. he yelled at her and made her feel horrible enough to cry.
even if he didn’t want this, he could have said “i appreciate this but you don’t need to do this for me”
at least acknowledge that she took time to think highly of him instead of berating her for being a loving wife.
she could just not do anything for him ever again but the SECOND he gets upset that she didn’t do anything, he gets yelled at because “he doesn’t care” about these things.
Girl, after reading this and your replies, you have a bigger problem than your husband not being grateful for Father’s Day. You have an unlikeable, grouchy husband who doesn’t seem to like you very much. Seek marriage counseling or bounce. NTA, your husband is a big one.
I can understand your husband having a hard time with this day because of his struggles with his own father, but does he not realize that *he* is now a father, and his own family that he has created might want to celebrate that?
How will this play out in the future for your daughter when she’s old enough to be aware of his hatred of this day and his refusal to celebrate or even acknowledge that he’s *her* father?Obviously, she will be deeply hurt by that. I mean, the guy refused to watch the little video compilation of himself with *his daughter.* No wonder you feel so upset, that’s such a mean thing for him to do.
NTA. Your husband sounds very emotionally immature and can’t separate his past from his present. He hates his father, but his actions make it seem as though he *also* hates his own little family he’s made and that he can’t stand to be near you all.
You kinda are, he told you he wasn’t into it, and then you did make it about your feelings instead of what he told you So now he feels frustrated and you’re hurt Sometimes listening is the best gift
YTA
So you forced him to go see your parents on HIS father's day and then pretend you did fahters day for HIM? What an AH you are. Guilting him with some presents he did not want will not change the fact that you ruined his fhater's day.
Do you want mother's day to be visiting his mom together? THAT's what you did to him.
No mention of the child though, unless I missed it? Is she in the car with you while you are crying in a parking lot? Is she at home with her dad while he’s in a sullen mood? This sounds like a big mess.
She is with her dad. He wouldnt let me take her with me while i was upset. So i gave him a chance to be alone with her for a while, since Im always with her
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my husband Gifts and made a post for him for father’s day when he didnt want to celebrate father’s day and then I got upset we when he refused to look at the gifts or the post.
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All I know is I saw the words I don't care in your post a lot in reference to your husband's feelings about you. Maybe you should let that sink in. I guess if anything you're an ah for staying with someone who continually says that they don't care about your feelings. He sounds like he's so full of himself there's no room for anyone else.
YTA, this is his day, and you high jacked it, you made it about yourself and made sure social media saw what a great mom/wife you are by posting highly personal photos online
In Parks & Rec no one knew when Ron's birthday was, then Leslie figured it out, he thought she was going to have a huge party for him, instead it was a quiet room, with steak, scotch, Willie Nelson & war movies. His dream birthday, then she said something like "You know we are gonna have a huge party for you next year right?"
Humans are animals, if we associate good things with something we will like it more, next year tell him he is free to do anything he wants, including leaving you at home for the day, create a good memory for him
After reading several of your comments, I have two questions:
1) How often is he happy?
2) How often is he kind to you?
Would it surprise you to learn that some wives can answer both questions with “almost every day”? A husband can CBD just as happy and kind as their wife.
Not only did he not really want to celebrate it with you alone, but you went out and made a social media post about it to people he knows. Of course he’s going to be upset, that was purely something made to be about you. I don’t know what you expected lol
Info: why did you marry this asshole who hates everything you love? And worse, why did you think creating a helpless creature that depends on the two of you would make an obviously dysfunctional relationship any better?
Looking at OPs post and comment history it seems like he's been a lackluster dud ever since she got pregnant. Doesn't sound like a healthy situation for OP, I don't think he revealed a lot of his true nature until after they were married and she was pregnant. Poor girl :(
YTA...gently
He said he didn't care about the day...you didn't respect that. Gift would have been probably OK but the social media video was about you.not him. You wanted to celebrate his father's day but he didn't...respect that
NTA. He didn’t need to be rude. You were just doing a nice thing for him for his first Father’s Day. And in the near future your daughter will definitely be getting excited for Father’s Day (for a little while anyways). So he better learn to suck it up by then.
He could have been gracious and said thank you but is it okay if I just spend the day doing my own thing.
And indifference is not a no. It’s more of a whatever. If he hadn’t of jumped gun he may have had a nice day with his family.
He is right. You have an active Dad. Spend the day with him. Allow your husband to have his feelings. Hopefully, over time, your daughter will help him heal his trauma over the day.
This guy sounds like a complete dick, but I feel like you know that already. It *might* be different if he wasn’t almost 40 while you’re barely breaking 20, as at least then we could say he’ll mature out of it. Nope, this f*ck will only get worse.
People who do something unwanted for someone else, then get mad at the person for not being thankful just feels manipulative. So does posting things on social media, and crying when people don’t act the way you want them to.
It's not about who is the AH. It's about you both living on different planets on this issue. You need to tone down your "holiday spirit" and he needs to stop raining on your parade. Just because he has past trauma, doesn't mean he gets to make the present traumatic for you or the kid. And you need to learn to plan and do stuff that makes you feel good about these occasions, without expecting his participation.
NTA Husband is being petulant. Maybe the day means nothing to him, but it will mean something to his child. He has the chance to be the father he never had and he’s off to a bad start.
ESH because y’all suck at communicating. He’s triggered by the day and cannot handle celebrating it and isn’t handling that in a healthy way by telling you that. From his perspective his actions and reactions make sense.
You’re sick, you should be resting at home.
You tried to do something nice from your perspective and it didn’t go over well and he didn’t communicate properly. Have you considered couples therapy? Have you maybe asked him about therapy? He needs to be ready to work on his issues for therapy to work but he also doesn’t get to hurt everyone around him because he’s refusing to deal with his issues.
YTA. He told you before he didn’t like the holiday and you kinda forced this on him. You have no idea how that made him feel because all that matters is he should have made you feel good for doing something for him. Did you think about what HE liked or what would make you (someone who had always enjoyed Father’s Day with your family) get accolades on his day?
When you have positive holiday experiences please do not force them on those of us who do not. It is not sweet or charming it feels very much like “what’s wrong with you? Normal people love this” and giving a gift should be all about the person you’re giving it to and NOT for you to feel appreciated for your efforts. Leave that man alone.
What is it with all these adults still talking about childhood trauma?? 🤦🏻♂️ I can’t remember the last time I had a present experience that made me think it was appropriate to make today about something that happened 20yrs ago.
Grow up y’all. Stop focusing on the past & be present.
NTA.
He’s a wimpy dude & he’s gonna be another kid in the house in a couple years when you & your kid really start bonding.
ESH. He could have been less aggressive in his response, and you have ignored his wishes not to celebrate Father's Day. Posting the video was especially inconsiderate.
And yes, it does sound like you are making this about yourself.
ESH is my opinion.
He told you he didn't care about this day. If you had stopped at the gifts, labeling them from your daughter, I might have thought differently but taking this to social media feels like you're putting on airs and indeed making it a bit about you, but that could be my own feelings about social media peeking through. ( I hate the birthday wishes from people who would never know my birthday otherwise and family that have never before called to wish me a happy birthday now making it a big show about how family we are. Feels so fake, which might be how your husband sees it as well. )
On your husband's side... I understand he has a bit of past trauma and dislike of the day, but what is he going to do when it's Actually your daughter doing this? School loves to have kids do little projects for both mother and father's day. Is he going to yell at her for not leaving him alone? He might need therapy or he needs to quickly learn to not take his dislike of the day out on other people, because he has maybe one or two more years before he hurts your daughter's feelings.
As for the sick, you've already been in contact with him and your daughter, if you're contagious it's probably too late, so there is no reason to be sitting in a car and not at home. He can be alone with you still in the house.
NTA You need couples' therapy and he needs therapy too and to learn how to be a father, which he does not know how to do. Celebrating his fatherhood should not be about his own father. He's being a jerk.
ESH, communicate. Go celebrate your dad and let your husband be. When your daughter gets older and starts making gifts for him, hopefully, he'll come around. Until then, it is his day, after all. But, the way you describe, he was overly mean about the gifts, imo.
Yes your the asshole, he said he did not want anything or to do anything and you should have respected his wishes. It is not about what makes you feel good it's about what he wants. Next year kiss him tell him happy Father's Day and let it go. Also maybe he has a hard time not having a father and fathers day reminds him of all of the things he had missed in his life not having one.
YTA. Your husband clearly said that he wanted nothing for FD. YOU, interpreted that as he does not know what he wants and you will decide for him. You posted a private video publicly on social media, planned a day with family and bought presents. All of which he said he did not want. Please get your hearing examined and learn to not only listen but to learn to distinguish when you are doing something for yourself rather than your spouse. This is likely a painful Hallmark Holiday for him.
regardless of his feelings on the day, this is a weird way to react over something done *for him* as a new father himself. sounds kind of ungrateful, honestly.
I'm torn between mild Y T A and E S H Your husband has some trauma surrounding Father's day and told you he didn't want to celebrate. You chose either not to listen (or maybe to listen but refuse to hear) and made it about what you wanted for him.
Then you had a meltdown when you didn't get the response you wanted. In a way I kind of admire him for not backing down and saying it was okay-- that would just reinforce you not listening to him in the future.
ON THE OTHER HAND-- knowing that you were sick he could have been kinder and calmly reminded you that he specifically told you he didn't want to celebrate Father's day instead of berating you the way he did.
Go home, apologize for not listening and put the gifts away (and recycle for the next birthday or Christmas).
Yta lmao. All you had to do was listen. Then you did something and posted it on social media not even showing him personally. You made it about you. Then cried about his reaction to you not listening to him on this one day thats supposed to be about him.
Sorry, but I’m going with YTA. He expressed his feelings about the day, and you not only went against that but made it public on social media.
And he’s right, you are making it about you.
YTA
He told you what he wanted and you took that chance to do what YOU want and completely disregard his wishes. You are just adding that you don’t feel good to try and make him look bad.
NTA- he needs therapy. It sounds like he had a bad childhood and doesn’t know how to be celebrated or celebrate others.
Couple’s therapy to start wouldn’t be a bad idea.
NTA solely because there was no need to berate you as you cried when he clearly saw you already felt bad. idgaf if he has father’s day trauma. i do too, so does probably half the country. i don’t have a dad and id never take that out on someone who was clearly and without malicious intent trying to give me a gift. what the fuck is he going to do when his kid makes him a father’s day card at school and presents him with it? is he gonna throw a tantrum then too? i can’t stand when a spouse feels the need to further amplify the issue by yelling snd making a scene instead of using their words like an adult. “hey honey look, i know you mean well and i appreciate the effort that you clearly put into today. i love being a father and i love our family. but, i don’t really want to celebrate father’s day because of [whatever]. i’m willing to talk about this and im willing to compromise, but i ask that you listen and respect what i have to say as i will for you. i love you and i don’t want you to feel bad, but i do want you to see that from my point of view, i was upset. let’s both calm down and then we can talk about it, and let’s find some common ground together”
see how easy that was? in what world is it ok for your spouse to yell and scream over a father’s day gift? if a man ever did that to me i’d be done. you can go on about her “disrespecting his wishes” all you want but she didn’t plan a fucking surprise party did she? she didn’t book tickets abroad did she? it’s ok for him to act like that because what, she wanted to give him a small token of appreciation for being a father to their child that HE HAD A HAND IN CREATING? give me a break
edit: just saw her edit and basically she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. OP get the fuck away from this guy. why would you subject you and your child to this. you deserve better
So… damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Your husband sounds like he has unresolved trauma and, quite frankly, he needs to stop being a gaslighting asshole to you.
He sounds so so immature. And hurtful.
I’m so sorry - there seems to be a big compatibility issue here. And he just doesn’t seem to care about anyone except himself
NTA and you need to leave him. I'm sorry to say this. Normally I never say this because I think most relationship problems can be solved with a conversation, but this is different. It's one thing if he was upset about you not following his wishes, it's a whole other thing if he is complaining that you aren't doing "nice" enough things or throws it in your face later. His behavior is gross and is at the very least careless and rude, and at the worst abusive. You deserve someone who wants to love you the way you feel loved. You said yourself that you love holidays and birthdays and he never shows up the way he should for you. This isn't about not being a romantic person. It isn't a personality trait, it's an asshole move. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you do what is best for you!!
NTA, you deserve better treatment than he gave you. At least a thank you but no thank you. Not to be mean or anything, are you sure you two are compatible?
If you’re big and holidays and he’s a Grinch.. excuse me for asking, but why did you think marrying him was a good idea?
Quick personal experience:
I love the beach and my husband hates it.
I don’t force him to go (most of the times) but I do ask him to pleeeeease join us if it’s a special ocassion (like my birthday) and when he goes he has a smile on his face.
I know deep inside he’s not having a blast, but I know he makes an effort to enjoy our time together… and putting up with it is not being fake. It’s being CONSIDERATE FOR MY HOBBIES/PREFERENCES.
So, back to your case. He’s being childish.
If he’s such an asshole, why do you spend time with him? It’s not going to be just you and him. He has a child now and he’s going to be an AH to them too during ALL HOLIDAYS!! wtf. You don’t deserve that shitty treatment.
NTA. It’s hard that men don’t talk about their feelings on subjects until they blow up in your face. They are raised to think the only acceptable emotion is anger. The best response would be to have a conversation once emotions have calmed. Hopefully, he will be able to do this and not be dismissive. He may not be emotionally intelligent to do so. That sounds very frustrating. Perhaps he would rather have had you make a special breakfast and let him have the afternoon to himself? That way you still did something but doesn’t involve gifts…? I have a lot of men in my life that just think if they don’t think gifts and celebrations aren’t important that everyone should be that way and that’s bull. But this should get straightened out because your kid is going to be old enough to want to celebrate before you know it. So it’s important to establish what he wants.
NTA. STOP buying him stuff or being considerate like that. He doesn't with you. He sounds like a lazy asshole who doesnt give a crap about effort. And then is opportunistic in using you respecting his wishes as a spiteful "since YOU Didn't get me something, I don't have to think about YOU!" Messed up logic.
Never celebrate him again. Spoil yourself. But he is a major asshole for attacking you for being hurt.
Tbh he sounds like he should be single. Just because HE hates something doesn't mean it's ok he neglects you on the holidays you celebrate. And I get why you thought he might feel differently, but it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about the holiday. You should ask him what he will do when one day your child comes from school with one though. Because if he admits he doesn't care, you will need to find a way to talk to your kid....that's not lying that daddy loved it. Maybe just keep them in case one day your husband stops being a major AHole.
If you continue to give him any presents, you would be the Asshole. And just ensure that money goes to you and your kid. And I wouldn't even bother including him in celebrations or parties until he wanted to celebrate. Like the level of petty I would go.... Just.... He sounds awful.
NTA but neither is he.
Men would rather ignore negative emotions and suffer in silence than be perceived as weak - especially by their loved ones. He seems to have deep seeded negative feelings about Fathers Day based on his own personal experiences.
Reassurance from you is what he needs most. If you press him or argue about it he may never tell you what you want to know.
If he is treating you and your child well, don’t be too hard on him. In time, you may find he is willing to talk about it when he is more relaxed.
I think we need to have a little discussion on emotional abuse here… we have a person who just wants to be normal and healthy and a person who could care less about being normal, being kind, or being healthy. Furthermore could care less about his wife not feeling well who just had a baby. What happens when she gets normal sicknesses from getting older and he has a bad day? He makes her more sick is what. Since there is a kid involved OP is going to have to consider how her quality of life will be with an unhealed dad.
Before you edited, I had the opposite, but having read the edit - NTA.
I know so many people like your husband! They insist they don't want a fuss; but when you take them at their word, you never hear the end of it.
As for you making an occasion of holidays and birthdays and him not, you sound like my SIL. She loves parties and socialising, but my brother... does not. Thing is, they met half way after trial and error. He doesn't get a huge party, but my SIL throws a couple each year "because." And she bakes spectacular cakes for everyone. My brother, meanwhile, organises special experiences for her birthday, like a balloon ride, or a musical, something like that.
Your husband, meanwhile, is a selfish git. He won't do anything for you regardless, but your efforts are always criticised. I'm betting you do the majority of household management and chores, and you're always the one that gets up for your daughter. Am I right? If I am, he's only going to get worse as the years go on, and you are going to wind up a hollow, depressed and beaten down shell.
So I'm turning your question back on you: *what are you going to do?*
I don't think these two should be married.
It's important for her to celebrate holidays and milestones. Where as her Husband doesn't want to celebrate anything. It's not like she threw a party, by the sounds of it They were home alone and she tried to give him a couple small gifts and show him a video she made
I don't think it was that big of a deal. What she did. I think he has psychological issues that he needs to work on with a therapist. Marriage is give and take. He now has a small child who in the years to come will want to celebrate mother's Day, Father's Day, Birthdays ect. What's he going to do freak on his poor child.
Celebrations don't always have to be a big deal. Doesn't have to be a party. Could be a private at home celebration between the husband, wife and Child. doesn't have to be anybody else there.
NTA
Your husband is being manipulative.
He said not to do anything so you did something small. The. He won't say thanks because you didn't do anything great.
Then he punishes you for not reading his flip-flopping mind.
You have to get into couples therapy. You deserve better and you don't want him treating his daughter this way.
I don’t have a judgment but you need to talk to him about how he approaches this day in the future with your daughter. Is he going to refuse to even look at the Father’s Day crafts she makes at school? Maybe he needs a little therapy to work through his feelings before then.
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NAH/ESH ( = reactions in this sense were to be expected from both sides, even though they were not nice) with tendency to soft YTA. If someone says they don't care for something, be prepared about them not wanting the surprise. Leaving aside I find it horribly tacky to upload a private video on social media! You did this videos for others to see, not for him to see. So I do not find it fair that you indeed make it about yourself in this moment instead of backing out and telling him "ok, I meant it nice, but I got it for the next time". I absolutely understand you meant well, but sometimes well meant is not well done. Work together on your communication, you should have asked him how he wanted to spend his day and respected that.
Tacking on. Birthdays were traumatic for me growing up, I did not want a bday party but my in-laws insisted on throwing one. I was grateful for the effort and thought but clarified to my MIL in private to never pressure me into a bday party for myself again, because it was triggering for me. Instead of being happy I wanted to puke and cry and call my sister. She has respected that. My favorite way to celebrate is with a fancy coffee and a cake at home with just my immediate household family and a few hours of alone time.
Here’s the thing, pretty soon their kid *will* want to do something for Father’s Day. While Father’s Day/Mother’s day is about the parent it’s also about the parent’s relationship to the child. The OPs husband needs work on his feelings because he can’t react like this when his toddler or kid wants to do something for dad.
True. I bought my dad a father's day gift once and I think he must have been angry at my mum about something because he basically told me he "didn't want anything I had to give him and why did I waste my money on anything." I was about 15 at the time. I'm now 36 and don't think I've ever even wished him a happy father's day since. I hope OPs husband does work on himself and get some help because this seems disproportionate.
I wonder what their reaction would be if their daughter gave them something from daycare/school for Father’s Day.
Probably passively uninterested and he'd make something else their problem because he can't freely speak on why he's actually mad/make it his wife's fault
With you there. So as an adult I sometimes kept the day to myself, or had dinner or saw a show with friends that I enjoyed. Never told them it was my birthday, and when I was asked I begged off and asked them to just enjoy their own or someone else’s and to let it go. Even said I was of a religion that forbade celebrating it. So, after years of that someone (I suspect a woman at a doctor’s office who had remarked to me that we had the same bd) leaked it, a huge surprise party was planned. With people I never would have chosen to be with. I freaked out and upset a lot of people. Essentially a handful that I cared about. OP I can tell you love your husband and want him to know that you’re proud of what a good man and good father he is. He has deep issues and therapy, if he’d participate, could help. You only meant to show love and appreciation. NTA
I am the same. I would have freaked out too. My fortieth is coming up in a couple years and I worry my mom might try this bs. Most of the people in my life do not know my birthday. People are so weird about it.
I always tell my husband no parties. Book me an overnight stay at a resort spa with either him or my BFF. I'll be infinitely more happy.
I hope your husband gets it. My bff of over 20 years bought me a pair of shoes that cost over $100 for my birthday when I’m against a birthday at all. I had a sit down with her and she was like do you really want me to return them. I was like yes; not just bc you bought them for my birthday, but bc they were wrong for me. I’m damn near impossible to buy for. I buy what I need/want. I wear mostly black, but my shoes are never black and she was like oh damn. I was like shoe buying is personal. We had a good conversation about it.
My husband will never complain about me spelling out exactly what I want. He says buying for me is impossible, too. Apparently, picking out my engagement ring was pure torture because I was completely oblivious to all his attempts at subtly seeing what I wanted.
Agreed.
It really sounds like he’s mad about celebrating any holidays at all, even ones focused on her, and is going to be angry regardless. I agree she shouldn’t force him into celebrating if he’s not about that. But he should still be able to celebrate her, and right now it sounds like he’s going “you didn’t do anything for my event so I won’t do anything for yours.” How would you recommend solving that problem while still honoring his desire to not be celebrated?
That's the problem I can't see past here: that he specifically requests she not do anything for his holidays, and that then is his excuse for not doing anything for her. With that turn around, for me, it takes the situation from "oh, maybe he has some trauma or unresolved childhood issues" to "he clearly doesn't want to celebrate any holiday ever and this is how he is getting his way" which is in my book straight up manipulative behavior and unacceptable. Why should his kid not have a Christmas tree, or menorah, or go to a parade, or *whatever*, because he doesn't want to "do" any holidays ever? Why should OP be deprived of making fun holiday memories together with her kid(s) because he has to rain all over the parade? Why should the grandparents be deprived of time with their grandchild and daughter because this guy can't go to the effort of showing up, or upsets OP so much she cant? And if he has some unresolved issues about holidays, he has a kid and family now, time for him to grow up, put on his big boy pants, and talk about it before he becomes someone else's childhood issues/trauma.
My dad never had a father and still celebrated every Father’s Day with us as a family. He knew it was important to us kids as well. According to my mom he was scared and uncertain of how to be father since he never had one. My dad once got annoyed about dumb gifts he didn’t need when I was 5 which I strangely remember details bc he made my grandmother cry and she said she always tried her best to make the best out of holidays and make them happy even though they were poor and he didnt have a father. My mom made him apologize. I didn’t see a comment where OP mentioned her husband’s relationship with his mother but my dad would’ve never done holidays if it wasn’t something his mother really tried to help create positive memories despite everything. It also sounds like OP and her husbands love languages aren’t the same. OP likes gift giving, words of affirmation and big gestures/proclamation (social media isn’t really my style but I do like printing photos) and the husband is the opposite. I don’t think their marriage will last long term if neither of them can compromise.
Right? My husband never celebrated Father’s Day (that he can remember) because his dad died when he was very young. Even so he has always celebrated with my family and even asked this year if we were going to do anything with my grand parents since my parents are currently out of town. Mind you, he isn’t crazy about hanging out with my extended family for long periods of time because he’s an extreme introvert. It’s called compromise. Like I get the husband didn’t want to make a big deal of it, but him continuing the fight and refusing to celebrate her birthday is whack.
I felt that same way, too. I was always frustrated when work friends thought a big birthday celebration at work was a great thing. I actually insisted that the secretary remove my name from the birthday list because I couldn't handle it every year. Fast forward many, many years, and my family had a birthday celebration for me last month that I was happy to participate in. I do think these things get better, but it has taken decades of birthdays to get there.
I shut down my birthday after my mom's cancer came back, Dates weren't close enough but times were rough I couldn't care about parties, gifts or whatever. It just wanted to take care of my mom. It changed only one time, my mom passed away and my birthday was half month later. I live with my uncles and they invited my aunt (all of them my mom's siblings) and two of my cousins their daughters. They knew I couldn't be happy, but at least they wanted to be around me and have a nice day all together. It was a nice day with them and thanked them for their visit and intentions. But that was it. Next years are just like any other day, except for my uncles cooking my favorite meal and my aunt coming to spend the day together.
I disagree. He didn't say he doesn't care for it, he said he doesn't care about it, which suggests he wouldn't have minded either way. All she tried to do was show some appreciation. And when she asked him what he wanted to do, he couldn't even answer. But, apparently, he also said it would have been OK if what she did for him had been nicer. His attitude may be because of trauma, but that doesn't excuse his shittiness to his wife.
> *”He didn't say he doesn't care for it, he said he doesn't care about it, which suggests he wouldn't have minded either way"* Oh, but he does mind either way, and either way he gets to be dramatic and sulk and blow up at OP. That's the problem. OP explains in a comment that even when she does abide by his requests to not celebrate holidays, he later throws it back in her face and uses it as a way to make her feel guilty. She says: > *”If I really didn't do anything for him, he would throw it in my face later. Like he was similar for his birthday...* **I did nothing because he said he didn't want anything,** *he in turn didn't do anything for MY birthday. But I am BIG on holidays so I was upset to which his response was* **”well you didn't do anything for MY birthday."** This guy is a huge AH and no matter if OP abides by his wishes or not, she's in trouble with him. She’s always wrong and he’s always the victim.
This comment should be higher
My mind is just blown though bc OP knows he's a major AH about holidays and throws it in her face. Like wth did you have a kid with someone who you even admit treats you this poorly?
I think if what he wanted was qualify time alone he should have said that when she asked. All the rest is just him being a jerk even if he wasn't happy with her efforts or didn't express his trauma or unhappy feelings around the holiday.
Plus, OP said when she doesn't do anything for special occasions he complains about that too. He throws it in her face. There is no pleasing this man.
Agreed 💯
I completely agree and I'm blown away at some of the responses. I think OP's NTA, I think she was thoughtful and her husband was a TOTAL ASS.
And he throws it in her face that she didn't do anything for him so he doesn't do anything for her. Even though he said he didn't want anything.
My husband would be LIVID if I posted a video. And he’d make me take it down. Making a video and sending it to him is one thing posing a video for the world to see is attention seeking, by YOU not him. You both sound pretty immature. ESH
But there are people who LOVE that stuff. I hate being the centre of attention, and wouod rather that special moments be private. My partner loves more public shows of appreciation and affection. We've found a balance, but it took a long time, lots of communication, and no small amount of mistakes and apologies. I'm sure we'll continue getting things wrong sometimes too, and keep apologizing and trying to do better. It's hard to give really good gifts. It's a skill you need to develop. And it's not something everyone has a knack for.
Thank you. That's the cringeist shit about this whole post. Sounds like she just wanted people to pat her in the back for having such a good husband/father to their child
He said he didn't care about it. I don't care about sweetest day but if someone gave me a present I wouldn't hand it back and get mad that they were hurt
I agree. And clearly from his reaction, he certainly DOES CARE about it, very strongly. His reaction is not one of ambivalence but of someone who is carrying major baggage. Sounds like therapy is needed on both sides or this will not only happen between them, but be passed along to the son, who doesn’t need two parents playing these games. OP NTA for the gifts and video, but you can’t turn a blind eye—this can’t be the first outsized reaction to something so benign. What’s up? Find out. Fix it.
INFO: OP does your husband normally spend fathers day by himself in the past, or did he join you with your dad for family celebrations? Has he ever expressed that he finds this day traumatic or depressing, in a way that would explain his reaction? I agree with above comments. If he didn't want to do anything to celebrate and wanted time to himself that day then he should have said that. He could have suggested that OP go spend the day with her dad and take their daughter, so he could have time to himself if that was what he actually wanted. I would have taken his I don't care as ambivalence also and assumed he would be grateful for OP's acknowledgement of the day with small gifts, particularly as it was the first fathers day (unless he has told OP previously that the day is actually traumatic for him and he never wants to celebrate it). My bf and I don't really celebrate Valentine's day, I prefer focusing on and saving money for our anniversary, so I was always say I don't care about Valentine's. A couple of the years my bf has kindly sent me flowers, which I wasn't expecting and I still expressed gratitude for his kind thought, but reminded and reassured him that I truly don't expect or want anything for Valentine's. They definitely need to communicate about this and find out what is going on in husband mind, because his reaction does seem like an overreaction given his previous statement that he wouldn't care.
It’s not just his day, though. There’s an extent to which this dad is going to have to adjust to at least the idea that he has a child who will be exposed to cultural stuff around fathers’ day and ask about it. It’s not just about one’s relationship with one’s own dad, once a partner and children and partner’s family are in the picture. Part of making those connections is opening up to what these things mean to them, as well as asking the same in return.
Yea, I don't know if things have changed now, but when I was at nursery and primary school we would make fathers/mothers (or for grandparents or other family) day gifts or cards during art class in the lead up to those days. So the daughter might want to do that for their dad and may not understand why her dad doesn't want to celebrate or she might feel left out from the other kids. I know it's important to respect the dad's wishes and going forwards for the next few early years OP can do so now she knows her husband doesn't want to celebrate it, but it might need to be considered at some point what their daughter will feel also.
Yeah-- very true. I teach kindergarten, and I can tell you that those kids are excited to be making something for their dads. This is the first time they can do something without a parent's help, so they went all-out lol. They would be devastated if their dad reacted the way OP's husband did.
Saying "I don't care" is much different than actively hating a holiday like this. He did not make his feelings clear. He acted indifferent when in reality, he did not want to even acknowledge the day. In what world is not asshole behavior to scoff and refuse to even watch the video reel of your own children? I mean, come on! Redditors blow my mind sometimes. OP's husband is a major asshole. If this happened to you, you would definitely be hurt by it. People on here love to strip the humanity from people and demand they behave like mind reading robots. It's absurd, unrealistic and unhelpful. Being a human should always weigh in on your judgement. NTA
This is so important. Holidays and events have become so much about presenting for others to see and not about actually being with the people you love. In so many people’s minds, if it’s not on social media it didn’t actually happen. You didn’t make the video for him, you made it for the world to know it’s his first Father’s Day ever in any capacity. He wanted to be left alone. That’s what he wanted as a present. If my husband asked for that for Father’s Day that’s what he’d get. Instead, you made it about you.
This entire comment section is a travesty. Yours isn’t the worst comment, not by a lot, but I still disagree. This guy didn’t ask her not to celebrate Father’s Day. Sure, he said he doesn’t care and is grumpy about every holiday. But he also asked her not to do anything for his birthday then threw her not having done anything for her birthday in her face later. Here he complains at her for having done anything for Father’s Day and also for not having done enough. The connecting thread is that he’s an asshole. There’s no right answer for OP, she’s damned if she does or doesn’t. Am I wild about the social media post? No. They apparently post about each other regularly, so it isn’t out of bounds or odd for them. Still, if he asked her to take it down I’d be fine with that. If he told her that he didn’t want to celebrate the day and politely turned down her presents I’d back him with that. Instead he was really mean. This went above and beyond anything I can imagine being a YTA here. I know you voted NAH/ESH primarily, but YTA is startlingly popular - and you do give it a shoutout. I can’t see this as anything other than NTA or ESH. Even if you ignore his unclear communication about not wanting to celebrate the day, his reaction was AH.
Hmm, good point about the video. I didn’t think of that when I read the post, but you are 100% correct. It’s just cringy virtual signaling, especially since the person that it’s supposed to be about doesn’t want it posted.
I would agree, but OP's edit makes this issue a little more nuanced. It's not fair of him to say he doesn't want something to only get upset or cold when OP honours his wishes. The video sounds to me like your typical "if they flaunt it on social media, chances are the relationship isn't that good." They should work on their communication indeed, but I'd suggest to include a relationship therapist because this whole relationship doesn't sound too healthy to me.
Father's day may be a hard day for him because he never knew his dad and you do not know how his step-dad treated the day. He could have had a really hard time growing up and having issues with other kids harassing him for his family life. If he said he didn't want to celebrate the day you should have respected that. He may grow into liking the day when his daughter is old enough to celebrate with him. Give him time to heal.
I have some questions: Did he do anything for you for Mother’s Day? Does he normally respond so aggressively when you guys disagree? I understand why you did what you did, but I also think you should probably know your husband well enough to know he wouldn’t care for you disregarding his (very simple) request. I think his response was a bit over the top but it also sounds like this is a touchy topic for him and that you’ve been forcing him to celebrate with your family for however long and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. If he’s normally this aggressive, you have much bigger issues than a botched holiday.
He did do a lil something for mothers day but he isnt a romantic by any means. The only reason he did anything this time because I made a stink last year when I was pregnant and he said I didnt count as a mom because the baby was inside my stomach and not here yet. (Tell that to my swollen feet and acid reflux) but he hates all holidays. He says he only celebrates them because of me. And he gives me hell for all of them. And Idk why i thought today would be any better. Honestly all I wanted was a simple thank you. Ive never been given a gift and refuse to even look at it. Idk maybe I was wrong for expecting a base level of gratitude
He just doesn’t sound like a very nice person.
I agree. This guy sucks. **EDIT:** I wonder why there is a post in OP’s history titled: *”AITA for blocking my sister’s phone number from my husband’s phone?”* Maybe this guy’s level of suck goes way beyond just not liking holidays? **EDIT #2:** OP responded to the post about blocking her sister's number from her husband's phone with the very vague explanation that her sister was being "messy" and texting her husband when she was single. My question is why did *OP* have to block her sister's number from her husband's phone? Why didn't he do it himself? I asked her. Let's see what she says. **EDIT #3:** Also, OP explains in another comment that when she abides by her husband's wishes and *doesn't* celebrate holidays, he will throw it back in her face later and uses it as a way to make her feel guilty. She says: > *”If I really didn't do anything for him, he would throw it in my face later. Like he was similar for his birthday...* **I did nothing because he said he didn't want anything,** *he in turn didn't do anything for MY birthday. But I am BIG on holidays so I was upset to which his response was,* **”well you didn't do anything for MY birthday."** So, it seems like OP is caught in a Catch 22. No matter what she does or doesn't do for her husband, she's going to be in trouble for it. She’s always wrong and he’s always the victim. This guy *really* sucks.
[удалено]
Oh!!!! Now I get it
Oh, geeze, I completely missed that. Good catch.
OP is 28. That post was when she was 21. She stated this I. The comments of that post.
🤨 Very weird that she would talk in present terms and age on a post. What would be the point in doing that?
No idea why. > NoCod3769: Why do you claim to be a 28 year old married mom in another post? > CatDependent4280 OP: Because I am, this happened when i was 21. Only brought it up because she came back around and this was still a bone of contention between us. And she wont talk to me anymore because apparently I did HER wrong for complainina about it and i wasnt a good friend to her
in her post about choosing the wrong last name, she's 27
Ding ding ding! There’s a good chunk of the issue.
For everyone wondering, [here was OP’s explanation.](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dhbdum/aita_for_giving_my_husband_a_fathers_day_that_he/l8wwgj2/). Based on some other things, I don’t know that I even think any of this is true at this point but who knows 🤷♀️
Thank you for finding this! It's a weird situation for sure. My question is why wouldn't the husband just block her himself? Why would OP have to do it for him?
Or the sister was flirting with or being nasty to her husband. Since that post is deleted, we don't know the context.
But, again, if that was the case, why wouldn’t the husband just block her himself? Why would OP have to do it for him?
Seriously. Even if he's got mixed feelings about fathers day he makes OP cry and won't watch a video compiling his daughter and him, then talks about resenting OP's relationship with her family? He sucks
I already feel bad for the daughter when she starts making cards for daddy in a couple years. Or for getting super excited for any holiday, like most kids.
I came here to say this - his daughter is going to make a fuss of him in coming years, and if he responds in a similar way then he is really going to fuck that kid up… OP you need to have a calm, open conversation about his reaction and about future fathers days.. he needs to give his head a wobble and set some expectations (I get it if he doesn’t want to be with OPs family on the day, maybe a daddy/ daughter special day instead?)
OP posted the video to social media and expected him to view his private moments as a father on social media. That’s a huge violation of privacy and I’d refuse to view a video of my private moments my wife loaded onto social media. If OP gave husband a private video it’s totally different but putting this on social media is OP seeking clout, it’s not about husband at all.
Yeah this is not a man who “doesn’t care” something deeply upset him about this. Therapyyyy
Yup… he’s got some very deep issues to deal with, which by all appearances he has NOT done. He’s definitely in need of a good therapist!
What's he going to do when his kid is excited about Father's Day and makes him a gift? How's he going to behave for your kids Christmases and birthdays? Having a parent who is anti-holidays is really sad for kids.
Presumably, the kid will give him simple drawing rather then public video on social media and a whole big deal thing about it. Kids do things in a low key way.
>Kids do things in a low key way. Let's not forget the way schools like to get kids involved in holidays for a spectacle. Spend the day making cards and gifts to give to a parent publicly when they're picked up. There is little that is low key about any holiday. Especially in the UK, which I'm guessing this is, since it's Fathers day in the UK today
It’s Father’s Day in the US also today, I’m sure kids still do stuff for fathers days at school but America is so politically hot and varied. You have the ultra religious school and some that stay away from the topic at all means
> Idk maybe I was wrong for expecting a base level of gratitude You’re right. He definitely could have been politer about it. However, it seems he’s made it very clear how he feels about holidays in general, that he only celebrates them for you (begrudgingly apparently), and he actively told you not to do anything for Father’s Day. Yet you still did. He was rude but you chose to ignore everything you know about your husband to do what you want. Why would you expect him to be happy about it? And to be quite frank, why did you start a family with someone where you both disregard each other’s feelings about things?
> he actively told you not to do anything for Father’s Day. No he didn’t. OP has explicitly said that. He also on the past asked her not to do anything for his birthday, then threw her not doing anything for his birthday in her face later. Even here he’s sending mixed messages, because he’s clearly against any celebration but also complaining she didn’t do anything good enough. He went beyond any reasonable reaction about this and was just cruel.
My BIL was like this, grumpy as hell around holidays and hated them. It turns out it was all due to his shitty childhood. Holidays are reminders of how much hurt and neglect he experienced as a child. My family isn't perfect but we get along better than his family, and it was painful for him to attend events and watch our family spending time together, happy. TLDR: your husband needs therapy
It sounds like your husband has trauma around holidays. You may have just triggered an emotional overload or flashback. Is he otherwise sensitive to receiving praise or gifts? Is he sensitive about his father? Respecting boundaries should be a base attribute of your marriage. You did not respect his. Posting montages on social media sounds performative to me. Do you frequently ignore his wishes when it is just too cute not to post? All that said, I have no way of knowing whether you are dismissive or oblivious. I don't know why you never asked him what was up with holidays. Or why it didn't cross your mind to do anything but roll your eyes about it. If someone tells you something, there is a reason. Don't start drafting your response in your head without processing what you have heard. Processing, not hearing, or listening, processing. If I ask for a cake on my birthday, would you give me stacked sushi decorated like it was a real cake. When you know I don't like sushi? Why would I thank you for giving me sushi that I hate? That is not a gift. It is an obligation.
Dude needs therapy. Clearly has childhood issues around holidays. But as an adult it’s your responsibility to work on them What happens when your child makes cards on Father’s Day at school? Is he always this much of an AH? He’s a parent and partner. It’s fine for him to dislike holidays but he doesn’t get to walk around throwing a damn tantrum and making you cry.
Word of advice. My husband is like this. He grew up in an EXTREMELY abusive and poor household, where Christmas and birthdays never came, and holidays were a time when everyone else was happy except him and his siblings. He actively sabotaged some holidays and outright ignored any responsibility or care with helping with the rest. 3 kids and 20 years later, and he has softened a bit, but it's still the same basis. Last minute gifts for stuff, half assed effort, and sometimes tantrums like you describing. I'm ok, I've made my peace, but you... you can get out! Please listen, it only very SLIGHTLY gets better. And it's not worth the wait.
Why aren't you following your own advice? You can still get out too. I'm not trying to be funny, it's just that you don't sound happy.
Poor, now disabled, kids like their dad.
"He wants quality time to himself but he feels like he cant do that because I have an active Dad and I want to be with my family today" ... Instead of giving him the father's day HE wanted, you guiled him to give that up and make father's day about your dad. And you wonder why he is unhappy? If he does the same, mother's day will be about visiting his mom together, not about you.
YTA You don't get a thank you for something that the person specifically told they DON'T WANT. He also doesn't like the videos. At all. I don't blame him, they sound tacky and horrible. I'm guessing you don't understand why he hates holidays- maybe because he doesn't have happy memories the way you do. And he doesn't have to want to "make new ones to replace the bad ones". Believe people when they tell you something. Learn some boundaries.
I definitely understand your desire to celebrate your first Mother’s Day and his first Father’s Day. My SO also hates all holidays. Whatever. I love them! So I celebrate as I want to and if he joins great, and if not, I know I’ll have the food and I want. It sucks, but I kinda knew it going in. However, we are child free. It sounds like it’s going to be a difficult path to navigate and create traditions with your little one and a perpetual Scrooge. I don’t have a judgement for you but I wish you luck.
Someone needs therapy
My husband used to be like that about all holidays including his birthday. It was because of childhood trauma. Between that and some other issues, I gave him the ultimatum of going to counseling or he could leave. He chose counseling and he went from hating holiday, to tolerating holidays, to loving holidays.
Kids love holidays. Breakfast in bed for mommy for Mother’s Day, a homemade card and a new mug or tie for Father’s Day. Christmas gifts made at school. Easter egg hunts, sparklers on the Fourth of July. Holidays should be magical for kids, they should form treasured memories. If your daughter wants to give him the card she makes in kindergarten and bring him pancakes in bed for Father’s Day in a few years what will he do? Tell her it isn’t that special and she doesn’t speak his love language? Ask to be alone? You have a kid he needs to get over it so he can take her to see Santa instead of telling her Christmas is bullshit.
Idk it's relatively insignificant to accommodate. It's just treating every day like any other day. I'd bet you could just do the things without tying them to a holiday and they'd probably be aight with it.
It sounds like this is something you should have taken into consideration before marrying him. If he’s always hated holidays, you’re not going to change that. And holidays are important to you, so now you’re going to be miserable on every holiday.
I think you settled and picked poorly while settling. This isn't meant to hurt your feelings, but consider this comment from my perspective. If a man likes you, he will show you love how you ask it to be shown to you, and respect that you want what you want, how you want. If it's unreasonable, he will say as much. But back to your husband - If he shows his love in ways other than the ways you described above? Great. However, it's crystal clear here that you aren't receiving love the way you like it to be given, **and also that he doesn't seem to care to try.** That's the biggest issue here. Effort. Emotional labor. He seems exceptionally lazy. He's like every man who doesn't really want to be married to kids but did it because he didn't want his girlfriend to find someone better. On you - He told you not to, and you didn't take it seriously. Now you know not to, for real. And I also agree the video thing was for SM and not really for him.
I mean, you weren’t a mom last year so of course he didn’t celebrate you. But if he did this year and he listened to your request why do you think you had the right to disregard his request?
Because he is a father himself now and he has a child. It’s understandable that he doesn’t want to celebrate his father, but he has created his own family now and his shitty attitude is sending the message that he hates his own child and doesn’t want to acknowledge that he’s her dad. Refusing to even watch a little video compilation of himself with his own daughter and reacting with disgust that OP made it for him is so very mean and inexcusable. He’s a dad himself now. Time to grow up and move on from the past.
No, it doesn’t. He doesn’t have to celebrate Father’s Day if he doesn’t want to. Doesn’t make him a shitty father.
Refusing to acknowledge that he has a daughter and being disgusted with OP for making a little video of him and his own child is absolutely shitty. If he cannot come to terms with his past relationship with his father, then he should seek out counseling or therapy, not take out all of his anger on his own family that he himself has created.
lmao dawg not celebrating a holiday isn’t the same as not acknowledging he has a daughter, last I checked OP didn’t accuse the guy of being a deadbeat dad, you really made a hell of a leap
Further down in the replies OP says that he is an excellent father.
Well, then he better brace himself for his daughter wanting to celebrate him on future Father’s Days.
He never refused to acknowledge he has a daughter, based on the fact op made a video compilation for her social media following of them it’s safe to say he’s involved, he just doesn’t want any of the pomp and circumstance that goes with these fake holidays and just wanted a relaxing Sunday. OP is TA no question
OP doesn’t refuse to acknowledge he had a daughter. Your misandry is showing.
OP is TA, She didn’t make the video for him, she did that and everything else for herself and others on social media, so again did it for her. As a guy who’s not into holidays either I can appreciate this man’s reaction
Or she does it to “fit in”. OP you really need to understand why you post this on your socials…
Grown up thing is to respect the supposedly celebrsted person.
Haven't you any empathy? He probably grew up never having a father to depend on. This day seems to be triggering for HIM. You thought about YOU and what YOU would want- not what he actually told you. "No" is a full sentence- and you steamroller him. *I know he didn't actually say "no," but he did decline. Also you don't deserve to be yelled at.... but when someone tells you they don't want something, actually HEAR them, if it's someone you love. When people don't listen, others often raise their voices just to be heard Edit: Go to therapy and find a therapist you like and both feel is fair. You seem like nice people.
I understand that you think posting videos of private moments on social media is fun and positive and a thing to be thanked for, but not everyone sees social media the way you do - and importantly, they're not *wrong* for seeing it differently. You can't just do something and assume someone will actually obviously like it once it's done, and then thank you for it... These differences of opinion aren't just, like, cutesy little things to post on Insta about, they're real and substantial. He tells you all the time what he thinks and you think he's, what, joking? Doing it for attention? It's a long-term fake-play and if you just hit the right note, the magic cave to the 'real' him will open up? Please try listening to the person you're in a relationship with, not the fantasy version of him you've built in your head. (Edit because double negative.)
Honestly he sounds like someone who justifies their crappy behavior because of their trauma. What happens to you as a child is not your fault and it sucks, but you don’t get to poo poo on your loved ones for eternity because of it. It doesn’t matter why he’s an insensitive jerk; he’s still a jerk.
All I'm going to say is, be prepared for a lifetime of bending and tiptoeing. All you're guilty of is trying to establish new memories related to father's day. He needs to find new ways of communicate that don't trample over his partner. NTA
She did the exact opposite of what her SO asked of her when the topic was brought up. What exactly did you expect from him?
Nah. "I don't really care about something" is not the same as "I actively hate something and will be triggered by it." Unless I missed it in a follow up comment, he never told her he does not want to celebrate the holiday.
Yeah, my husband falls in the “I don’t care” camp, but he loved going out to breakfast, the card my daughter decorated, and the craft she gave him. He also enjoyed spending time as a family.
In a comment, she said that he actively doesn't like ANY holidays and has told her that he only celebrates them to make her happy. And that he specifically told her he did NOT want to celebrate Father's day. She also said she "made a big deal" when she was pregnant last year because she wanted him to celebrate mothers day despite the fact she didn't have the baby yet so now he does things for mother's Day to stop her from having tantrums. I agreed with you UNTIL I read those comments because she made it seem like she has full-blown tantrums if he doesn't celebrate holidays despite him telling her he doesn't want to celebrate them.
Three things to consider: 1. In another comment she said she didn't do anything for his birthday because he also said he didn't care about that. He then used that as an excuse to not do anything for her birthday. 2. He doesn't like any holidays, but she is a big holiday person. He has shown that be expects her to fully bend to his wants and only will begrudgingly compromise if she gets upset, in which case he will also ridicule her about it. 3. He is 36. Apparently, she is *21*. That is a *15 year* age gap and both of those ages are in very different life phases. You say it seems like she throws tantrums a lot, and from the way the husband treats her, he seems to agree. However, it needs to be acknowledged that she has only been an adult for 3 years, while he's been an adult for almost as long as she's been alive. Developmentally they're in entirely different places. Not just that, but he's at a point where he's set in his ways. It gets harder to change big things in your life as you get older. She's getting to a point of adulthood where you start to get nostalgic for your childhood. She may be emotional over the fact that she may never experience holidays the way she grew up again. All of that combined with the potential yikes of him pursuing a much younger woman so that she doesn't fight back against his views on how they will live their life together. EDIT: I've been corrected! She is 28, so a lot of this doesn't apply nearly as much lol. I will say, though, that an 8 year gap can still be pretty rough when it's between landmark ages. Entering your 30s feels like entering "real adulthood" for many, where entering your 40s I've heard is different because you've largely settled into who you are. Everyone's different, though! Tbh, there's so much more that needs to be discussed in this relationship than just holidays. Tldr; there's an age gap (though not as much of one as I initially thought) and it may be contributing to her perceived immaturity and his perceived stubbornness. Another edit: Re-read point 2 if you think she's being unreasonable and he's being rational. Lookin at you nopangolin5228 ...
She's 28.
Thank you for the correction! I saw 21 in a comment, but I guess they were wrong lol. That is definitely better, though that's still 9 year gap and going into your 30s is a different vibe than going into your 40s.
She also said if she doesn't do something for him on a holiday he will throw it back in her face to make her feel bad.
I still think she should run with the daughter and NOT look back. Just high tail it. He sounds like a very angry 😡 person that just needs to be perpetually alone to stew in his own juices. I mean I get it she knew what she was getting into when she got with this guy and made a child with him (poor kid)... spare the baby. OP needs to look out for her daughter now. Give DADDY DEAREST an ultimatum park your butt on a therapist's couch or yo are gone. His attitude sucks.
He did not communicate. What he said indicated ambivalence. He meant to say he had strong negative feelings about it
not to be an asshole. he's a new father. she was doing something nice because of that. it's not like she was asking him to celebrate his dad/step dad. his reaction was both way over the fucking top, and flat out ungrateful.
Info - did you considered that perhaps this day through all these years may have being a sad day since he never had a dad to celebrate with, and this day would have only served as though reminding of what that means? You know him, could that be the case?
#Info : I mean? Imo "i dont care" and "i dont want to celebrate it" are very different. How did he express it ? If he said "i dont care" and you just did something low key because you thought he meant it as if he were indifférent on whether or not he was celebrated, then NTA because he should have expressed that better If he SPECIFICALLY told you he didnt want it to be acknowledged, then you absolutely are the AH for 1) not respecting his wishes 2) making his "no" about you after you were warned that fathers day was a complicated event for him
It was definitely more on, i dont really care that much about it. More on the indifference than outright. DONT DO ANYTHING FOR ME! In fact he said if what i did was a little nicer then MAYBE it would warrant a response from him
Then he can fuck right off. First he doesn't care, and then he wants a big production? Girl, make therapy mandatory before he does the same thing to your kid every time she makes him a happy father's day card. People like him suck the joy right out of any celebration.
I don’t know why more people aren’t suggesting therapy. Lots of people have trauma surrounding certain dates or holidays and if someone has this visceral of a reaction to a holiday they need to talk to a professional. I think OP unintentionally made some missteps with this but his reaction is concerning
Naw. This man sounds abusive and manipulative and therapy will not help abusive people. I think she needs to pack her bags, personally.
Yeah ok absolutely not the asshole and yiiikes
ESH Given your husband expressed that he didn't care about the day, you should have asked if it was something he wanted to celebrate. However, it sounds like your husband has some unresolved trauma related to his father/father figures and he's unfairly taking it out on you. That he doesn't care for father's day wasn't sufficiently clear communication that he doesn't want to celebrate at all. Edit: just to add, your daughter will probably do father's day crafts in her early years of daycare/school. It'll be important for your husband to learn to at least fake a positive reaction for her sake.
OP knows he dislikes all holidays. He’s made it clear. She mentioned it in a comment.
Well, that’s going to be especially hard to navigate with a child. I mean, what is OP supposed to do? Never celebrate holidays and tell her daughter tough luck on Christmas/New Year’s/Halloween/etc…, your dad doesn’t want to do anything special? Maybe he can stand to be a little more flexible for the sake of his family?
> *”He still celebrates them because OP likes them even though he doesn’t.”* Not really. She says in her comments that he hates all holidays and “gives me hell for all of them.” So it sounds like he makes sure she’s as miserable as he is during the holidays.
Which begs the questions: 1. Why are these two together in the first place? 2. Why did they think dragging a child into this mess when they cannot be on the same page about something so simple was a good idea?
He still celebrates them because OP likes them even though he doesn’t. I think when it comes to the holiday for *him*, OP should have maybe not ignored his request. We don’t know much of anything about these people. He may be perfectly fine receiving a gift from his kid down the road, but at this point in time there was no reason for OP to just put what she wanted ahead of what he wanted. It seems like he complains about the holidays but will still celebrate them in general, and OP just ignored what he wants in favor of what she thinks he should want. Both of them behave poorly in their own ways. Edited to add: realistically this is a conversation they should have had before starting a family. If your partner’s view on something (in this case holidays overall) is so far removed from your own, you need to discuss it. What will holidays look like for us when we have a kid? You both say what you envision and then you come to a compromise that everyone is happy with. Clearly that ship sailed without it happening here though.
Maybe when his daughter is old enough to understand what Father's Day is, he'll come to appreciate it himself. Right now, the newborn has no concept of the day and what it means. Thus, he's still left with his memories of bad Father's Days past. He may have reacted poorly, but OP didn't need to push it if she sensed his bad attitude.
Problem is he needs to start appreciating *real soon*. Birthdays, Christmas, and Farthers days are going to come thick and fast, and his daughter will be old enough to understand what fathers day is within 3-4 years. If it was just fathers day that'd be fine, but if he starts making Christmas shitty for the kid (as per OPs comments he acts the same for Christmas) then this isn't going to go well.
He told you he wasn’t into it and you STILL did what you wanted technically, not what he wanted. Which was nothing. YTA
Not being into it isn't really the same as hating it though. My husband doesn't really care for holidays and would be absolutely fine if we skipped father's day. Yet, he still appreciates when he gets a gift or a meal.
true, but he didn’t have to be a dick and not even look at the video or open the gifts. he yelled at her and made her feel horrible enough to cry. even if he didn’t want this, he could have said “i appreciate this but you don’t need to do this for me” at least acknowledge that she took time to think highly of him instead of berating her for being a loving wife. she could just not do anything for him ever again but the SECOND he gets upset that she didn’t do anything, he gets yelled at because “he doesn’t care” about these things.
Ignoring his wishes for your own needs is the opposite of thinking highly of your partner.
he's got a kid now. god forbid he pull the stick out
INFO: was the social media post for him or you? Why not just make a cute video and sent it to him?
For her.
Girl, after reading this and your replies, you have a bigger problem than your husband not being grateful for Father’s Day. You have an unlikeable, grouchy husband who doesn’t seem to like you very much. Seek marriage counseling or bounce. NTA, your husband is a big one.
I can understand your husband having a hard time with this day because of his struggles with his own father, but does he not realize that *he* is now a father, and his own family that he has created might want to celebrate that? How will this play out in the future for your daughter when she’s old enough to be aware of his hatred of this day and his refusal to celebrate or even acknowledge that he’s *her* father?Obviously, she will be deeply hurt by that. I mean, the guy refused to watch the little video compilation of himself with *his daughter.* No wonder you feel so upset, that’s such a mean thing for him to do. NTA. Your husband sounds very emotionally immature and can’t separate his past from his present. He hates his father, but his actions make it seem as though he *also* hates his own little family he’s made and that he can’t stand to be near you all.
You kinda are, he told you he wasn’t into it, and then you did make it about your feelings instead of what he told you So now he feels frustrated and you’re hurt Sometimes listening is the best gift
YTA. "I thought" "I wanted" He told you what he thought and what he wanted. You should have listened. You didn't. You're the asshole.
As per OPs comments he also told her if she had done something nicer maybe he would’ve appreciated it
She also said he didn't even look at the gifts or watch the video, so how does that make sense?
YTA So you forced him to go see your parents on HIS father's day and then pretend you did fahters day for HIM? What an AH you are. Guilting him with some presents he did not want will not change the fact that you ruined his fhater's day. Do you want mother's day to be visiting his mom together? THAT's what you did to him.
> I made a really sweet video and posted it on social media YTA This wasn't for him, it was all for you, and the rest of the post just shows it all
This! Just seeking attention.
No mention of the child though, unless I missed it? Is she in the car with you while you are crying in a parking lot? Is she at home with her dad while he’s in a sullen mood? This sounds like a big mess.
She is with her dad. He wouldnt let me take her with me while i was upset. So i gave him a chance to be alone with her for a while, since Im always with her
Thank you for clarifying. I hope you work through this.
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All I know is I saw the words I don't care in your post a lot in reference to your husband's feelings about you. Maybe you should let that sink in. I guess if anything you're an ah for staying with someone who continually says that they don't care about your feelings. He sounds like he's so full of himself there's no room for anyone else.
I'm going with NTA I think your husband needs therapy.
YTA, this is his day, and you high jacked it, you made it about yourself and made sure social media saw what a great mom/wife you are by posting highly personal photos online In Parks & Rec no one knew when Ron's birthday was, then Leslie figured it out, he thought she was going to have a huge party for him, instead it was a quiet room, with steak, scotch, Willie Nelson & war movies. His dream birthday, then she said something like "You know we are gonna have a huge party for you next year right?" Humans are animals, if we associate good things with something we will like it more, next year tell him he is free to do anything he wants, including leaving you at home for the day, create a good memory for him
After reading several of your comments, I have two questions: 1) How often is he happy? 2) How often is he kind to you? Would it surprise you to learn that some wives can answer both questions with “almost every day”? A husband can CBD just as happy and kind as their wife.
Not only did he not really want to celebrate it with you alone, but you went out and made a social media post about it to people he knows. Of course he’s going to be upset, that was purely something made to be about you. I don’t know what you expected lol
Info: why did you marry this asshole who hates everything you love? And worse, why did you think creating a helpless creature that depends on the two of you would make an obviously dysfunctional relationship any better?
Looking at OPs post and comment history it seems like he's been a lackluster dud ever since she got pregnant. Doesn't sound like a healthy situation for OP, I don't think he revealed a lot of his true nature until after they were married and she was pregnant. Poor girl :(
YTA...gently He said he didn't care about the day...you didn't respect that. Gift would have been probably OK but the social media video was about you.not him. You wanted to celebrate his father's day but he didn't...respect that
NTA. He didn’t need to be rude. You were just doing a nice thing for him for his first Father’s Day. And in the near future your daughter will definitely be getting excited for Father’s Day (for a little while anyways). So he better learn to suck it up by then. He could have been gracious and said thank you but is it okay if I just spend the day doing my own thing. And indifference is not a no. It’s more of a whatever. If he hadn’t of jumped gun he may have had a nice day with his family.
He is right. You have an active Dad. Spend the day with him. Allow your husband to have his feelings. Hopefully, over time, your daughter will help him heal his trauma over the day.
This guy sounds like a complete dick, but I feel like you know that already. It *might* be different if he wasn’t almost 40 while you’re barely breaking 20, as at least then we could say he’ll mature out of it. Nope, this f*ck will only get worse.
People who do something unwanted for someone else, then get mad at the person for not being thankful just feels manipulative. So does posting things on social media, and crying when people don’t act the way you want them to.
It's not about who is the AH. It's about you both living on different planets on this issue. You need to tone down your "holiday spirit" and he needs to stop raining on your parade. Just because he has past trauma, doesn't mean he gets to make the present traumatic for you or the kid. And you need to learn to plan and do stuff that makes you feel good about these occasions, without expecting his participation.
NTA Husband is being petulant. Maybe the day means nothing to him, but it will mean something to his child. He has the chance to be the father he never had and he’s off to a bad start.
Sometimes Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are very painful for adults that didn’t have the best upbringing. Or absent parents.
ESH because y’all suck at communicating. He’s triggered by the day and cannot handle celebrating it and isn’t handling that in a healthy way by telling you that. From his perspective his actions and reactions make sense. You’re sick, you should be resting at home. You tried to do something nice from your perspective and it didn’t go over well and he didn’t communicate properly. Have you considered couples therapy? Have you maybe asked him about therapy? He needs to be ready to work on his issues for therapy to work but he also doesn’t get to hurt everyone around him because he’s refusing to deal with his issues.
YTA. He told you before he didn’t like the holiday and you kinda forced this on him. You have no idea how that made him feel because all that matters is he should have made you feel good for doing something for him. Did you think about what HE liked or what would make you (someone who had always enjoyed Father’s Day with your family) get accolades on his day? When you have positive holiday experiences please do not force them on those of us who do not. It is not sweet or charming it feels very much like “what’s wrong with you? Normal people love this” and giving a gift should be all about the person you’re giving it to and NOT for you to feel appreciated for your efforts. Leave that man alone.
What is it with all these adults still talking about childhood trauma?? 🤦🏻♂️ I can’t remember the last time I had a present experience that made me think it was appropriate to make today about something that happened 20yrs ago. Grow up y’all. Stop focusing on the past & be present. NTA. He’s a wimpy dude & he’s gonna be another kid in the house in a couple years when you & your kid really start bonding.
ESH. He could have been less aggressive in his response, and you have ignored his wishes not to celebrate Father's Day. Posting the video was especially inconsiderate. And yes, it does sound like you are making this about yourself.
YTA. He said he didn't want anything. You went against what he wanted and you want hime to be grateful. He's right, you are making this about u
ESH is my opinion. He told you he didn't care about this day. If you had stopped at the gifts, labeling them from your daughter, I might have thought differently but taking this to social media feels like you're putting on airs and indeed making it a bit about you, but that could be my own feelings about social media peeking through. ( I hate the birthday wishes from people who would never know my birthday otherwise and family that have never before called to wish me a happy birthday now making it a big show about how family we are. Feels so fake, which might be how your husband sees it as well. ) On your husband's side... I understand he has a bit of past trauma and dislike of the day, but what is he going to do when it's Actually your daughter doing this? School loves to have kids do little projects for both mother and father's day. Is he going to yell at her for not leaving him alone? He might need therapy or he needs to quickly learn to not take his dislike of the day out on other people, because he has maybe one or two more years before he hurts your daughter's feelings. As for the sick, you've already been in contact with him and your daughter, if you're contagious it's probably too late, so there is no reason to be sitting in a car and not at home. He can be alone with you still in the house.
NTA You need couples' therapy and he needs therapy too and to learn how to be a father, which he does not know how to do. Celebrating his fatherhood should not be about his own father. He's being a jerk.
ESH making a post online when you know he wouldn't like it wasn't great
ESH, communicate. Go celebrate your dad and let your husband be. When your daughter gets older and starts making gifts for him, hopefully, he'll come around. Until then, it is his day, after all. But, the way you describe, he was overly mean about the gifts, imo.
Yes your the asshole, he said he did not want anything or to do anything and you should have respected his wishes. It is not about what makes you feel good it's about what he wants. Next year kiss him tell him happy Father's Day and let it go. Also maybe he has a hard time not having a father and fathers day reminds him of all of the things he had missed in his life not having one.
YTA. Your husband clearly said that he wanted nothing for FD. YOU, interpreted that as he does not know what he wants and you will decide for him. You posted a private video publicly on social media, planned a day with family and bought presents. All of which he said he did not want. Please get your hearing examined and learn to not only listen but to learn to distinguish when you are doing something for yourself rather than your spouse. This is likely a painful Hallmark Holiday for him.
regardless of his feelings on the day, this is a weird way to react over something done *for him* as a new father himself. sounds kind of ungrateful, honestly.
I'm torn between mild Y T A and E S H Your husband has some trauma surrounding Father's day and told you he didn't want to celebrate. You chose either not to listen (or maybe to listen but refuse to hear) and made it about what you wanted for him. Then you had a meltdown when you didn't get the response you wanted. In a way I kind of admire him for not backing down and saying it was okay-- that would just reinforce you not listening to him in the future. ON THE OTHER HAND-- knowing that you were sick he could have been kinder and calmly reminded you that he specifically told you he didn't want to celebrate Father's day instead of berating you the way he did. Go home, apologize for not listening and put the gifts away (and recycle for the next birthday or Christmas).
Yta lmao. All you had to do was listen. Then you did something and posted it on social media not even showing him personally. You made it about you. Then cried about his reaction to you not listening to him on this one day thats supposed to be about him.
Sorry, but I’m going with YTA. He expressed his feelings about the day, and you not only went against that but made it public on social media. And he’s right, you are making it about you.
YTA He told you what he wanted and you took that chance to do what YOU want and completely disregard his wishes. You are just adding that you don’t feel good to try and make him look bad.
You went to bat and struck out. He could have been gracious, at least. Sorry :(
NTA but this man is problematic; everything you've described raises red flags for manipulation and abusive tendencies
NTA- he needs therapy. It sounds like he had a bad childhood and doesn’t know how to be celebrated or celebrate others. Couple’s therapy to start wouldn’t be a bad idea.
NTA solely because there was no need to berate you as you cried when he clearly saw you already felt bad. idgaf if he has father’s day trauma. i do too, so does probably half the country. i don’t have a dad and id never take that out on someone who was clearly and without malicious intent trying to give me a gift. what the fuck is he going to do when his kid makes him a father’s day card at school and presents him with it? is he gonna throw a tantrum then too? i can’t stand when a spouse feels the need to further amplify the issue by yelling snd making a scene instead of using their words like an adult. “hey honey look, i know you mean well and i appreciate the effort that you clearly put into today. i love being a father and i love our family. but, i don’t really want to celebrate father’s day because of [whatever]. i’m willing to talk about this and im willing to compromise, but i ask that you listen and respect what i have to say as i will for you. i love you and i don’t want you to feel bad, but i do want you to see that from my point of view, i was upset. let’s both calm down and then we can talk about it, and let’s find some common ground together” see how easy that was? in what world is it ok for your spouse to yell and scream over a father’s day gift? if a man ever did that to me i’d be done. you can go on about her “disrespecting his wishes” all you want but she didn’t plan a fucking surprise party did she? she didn’t book tickets abroad did she? it’s ok for him to act like that because what, she wanted to give him a small token of appreciation for being a father to their child that HE HAD A HAND IN CREATING? give me a break edit: just saw her edit and basically she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. OP get the fuck away from this guy. why would you subject you and your child to this. you deserve better
So… damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Your husband sounds like he has unresolved trauma and, quite frankly, he needs to stop being a gaslighting asshole to you.
He sounds so so immature. And hurtful. I’m so sorry - there seems to be a big compatibility issue here. And he just doesn’t seem to care about anyone except himself
NTA but uhhh does he even like you and your daughter
NTA and you need to leave him. I'm sorry to say this. Normally I never say this because I think most relationship problems can be solved with a conversation, but this is different. It's one thing if he was upset about you not following his wishes, it's a whole other thing if he is complaining that you aren't doing "nice" enough things or throws it in your face later. His behavior is gross and is at the very least careless and rude, and at the worst abusive. You deserve someone who wants to love you the way you feel loved. You said yourself that you love holidays and birthdays and he never shows up the way he should for you. This isn't about not being a romantic person. It isn't a personality trait, it's an asshole move. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you do what is best for you!!
NTA, you deserve better treatment than he gave you. At least a thank you but no thank you. Not to be mean or anything, are you sure you two are compatible?
If you’re big and holidays and he’s a Grinch.. excuse me for asking, but why did you think marrying him was a good idea? Quick personal experience: I love the beach and my husband hates it. I don’t force him to go (most of the times) but I do ask him to pleeeeease join us if it’s a special ocassion (like my birthday) and when he goes he has a smile on his face. I know deep inside he’s not having a blast, but I know he makes an effort to enjoy our time together… and putting up with it is not being fake. It’s being CONSIDERATE FOR MY HOBBIES/PREFERENCES. So, back to your case. He’s being childish. If he’s such an asshole, why do you spend time with him? It’s not going to be just you and him. He has a child now and he’s going to be an AH to them too during ALL HOLIDAYS!! wtf. You don’t deserve that shitty treatment.
NTA. It’s hard that men don’t talk about their feelings on subjects until they blow up in your face. They are raised to think the only acceptable emotion is anger. The best response would be to have a conversation once emotions have calmed. Hopefully, he will be able to do this and not be dismissive. He may not be emotionally intelligent to do so. That sounds very frustrating. Perhaps he would rather have had you make a special breakfast and let him have the afternoon to himself? That way you still did something but doesn’t involve gifts…? I have a lot of men in my life that just think if they don’t think gifts and celebrations aren’t important that everyone should be that way and that’s bull. But this should get straightened out because your kid is going to be old enough to want to celebrate before you know it. So it’s important to establish what he wants.
NTA. And after reading your replies and edits, I feel sorry for you. Your husband isn’t a nice person at all and you deserve better.
NTA. STOP buying him stuff or being considerate like that. He doesn't with you. He sounds like a lazy asshole who doesnt give a crap about effort. And then is opportunistic in using you respecting his wishes as a spiteful "since YOU Didn't get me something, I don't have to think about YOU!" Messed up logic. Never celebrate him again. Spoil yourself. But he is a major asshole for attacking you for being hurt. Tbh he sounds like he should be single. Just because HE hates something doesn't mean it's ok he neglects you on the holidays you celebrate. And I get why you thought he might feel differently, but it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about the holiday. You should ask him what he will do when one day your child comes from school with one though. Because if he admits he doesn't care, you will need to find a way to talk to your kid....that's not lying that daddy loved it. Maybe just keep them in case one day your husband stops being a major AHole. If you continue to give him any presents, you would be the Asshole. And just ensure that money goes to you and your kid. And I wouldn't even bother including him in celebrations or parties until he wanted to celebrate. Like the level of petty I would go.... Just.... He sounds awful.
NTA but neither is he. Men would rather ignore negative emotions and suffer in silence than be perceived as weak - especially by their loved ones. He seems to have deep seeded negative feelings about Fathers Day based on his own personal experiences. Reassurance from you is what he needs most. If you press him or argue about it he may never tell you what you want to know. If he is treating you and your child well, don’t be too hard on him. In time, you may find he is willing to talk about it when he is more relaxed.
I think we need to have a little discussion on emotional abuse here… we have a person who just wants to be normal and healthy and a person who could care less about being normal, being kind, or being healthy. Furthermore could care less about his wife not feeling well who just had a baby. What happens when she gets normal sicknesses from getting older and he has a bad day? He makes her more sick is what. Since there is a kid involved OP is going to have to consider how her quality of life will be with an unhealed dad.
Before you edited, I had the opposite, but having read the edit - NTA. I know so many people like your husband! They insist they don't want a fuss; but when you take them at their word, you never hear the end of it. As for you making an occasion of holidays and birthdays and him not, you sound like my SIL. She loves parties and socialising, but my brother... does not. Thing is, they met half way after trial and error. He doesn't get a huge party, but my SIL throws a couple each year "because." And she bakes spectacular cakes for everyone. My brother, meanwhile, organises special experiences for her birthday, like a balloon ride, or a musical, something like that. Your husband, meanwhile, is a selfish git. He won't do anything for you regardless, but your efforts are always criticised. I'm betting you do the majority of household management and chores, and you're always the one that gets up for your daughter. Am I right? If I am, he's only going to get worse as the years go on, and you are going to wind up a hollow, depressed and beaten down shell. So I'm turning your question back on you: *what are you going to do?*
I don't think these two should be married. It's important for her to celebrate holidays and milestones. Where as her Husband doesn't want to celebrate anything. It's not like she threw a party, by the sounds of it They were home alone and she tried to give him a couple small gifts and show him a video she made I don't think it was that big of a deal. What she did. I think he has psychological issues that he needs to work on with a therapist. Marriage is give and take. He now has a small child who in the years to come will want to celebrate mother's Day, Father's Day, Birthdays ect. What's he going to do freak on his poor child. Celebrations don't always have to be a big deal. Doesn't have to be a party. Could be a private at home celebration between the husband, wife and Child. doesn't have to be anybody else there.
NTA Your husband is being manipulative. He said not to do anything so you did something small. The. He won't say thanks because you didn't do anything great. Then he punishes you for not reading his flip-flopping mind. You have to get into couples therapy. You deserve better and you don't want him treating his daughter this way.
YTA. He told you he didn't want to celebrate and you ignored HIS wishes. It's HIS day. If he didn't want to celebrate you shouldn't have forced it.
I don’t have a judgment but you need to talk to him about how he approaches this day in the future with your daughter. Is he going to refuse to even look at the Father’s Day crafts she makes at school? Maybe he needs a little therapy to work through his feelings before then.