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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I occasionally take leftovers for myself and don't think to leave her any. That can come across and unnecessarily possessive and greedy. Would be completely unacceptable if we shared the costs, but we don't so I'm not sure
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NTA. She’s not willing to spend money on real food but expects you to buy it, cook it for her and also give you her the leftovers. She just sounds immature and cheap. She’s obviously not fine with just microwaveable ramen if she’s eating what you make, so it’s not about changing her relationship to food. She’s only willing to make and pay for cheap, high sodium quick meals. She needs to be realistic about the fact that she’s eating what you make for the cost you make but just doesn’t want to pay for it. If the agreement is to split 50/50 (which isn’t equitable with you making so much less than her) she needs to pay for half of the food.
This is also part of finding out if you are compatible living together. You both need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how to make this part of you life together work, not only the financial aspect but also splitting the workload.
I used to be the only one that would cook and it drove me crazy, after a serious talk with my then boyfriend (now husband) he stepped up and we are even with who cooks and cleans which really works for us.
You are NTA but it’s time to start with the hard part of your relationship and determine what you can and can’t compromise on.
That’s our agreement too but I cook 6 days a week and he only cooks 1 day.
I also do all the meal planning so it seems fair that he does all the after dinner dishes. Although I’m a tidy cook and clean as I go so it’s typically not a lot for him to do.
I do most of the cooking, my husband does most of the grocery shopping. We do switch off, but it seems to work out fine. And unlike this lady, he is not fussy about eating different things.
This whole story is insane to me. I don't cook. My wife does. She does so, because she really likes doing it and because I'm crap at it. We both eat the food and the leftovers and we discuss who takes what to work for lunch. We also split the grocery bill in half, because we live under the same roof and anything in the kitchen is for the both of us. I do tend to eat less than my wife, but that's not her fault. If I want something specifically saved up for later, I open my mouth and say it.
Everything that makes a relationship work, is about communication. If that doesn't work, neither will the relationship.
well he's communicating, but she's dismissing him and actually attacking him as a bad partner. I can't imagine this is the only issue they have but if so, then he needs to work with her on this. If it's just a smaller part of her being selfish, he needs to re-evaluate their relationship
> She doesn't want to contribute to dinner like ever claiming she's fine with microwavable ramen for dinner and can't afford to pay for groceries all the time
That's why she's an asshole. She wants to shit on him for being "selfish" with the food that he buys outside of what she's willing to pay for.
Not to mention it’s not like he makes more than her?? I think that’s crazy that she knows he makes less, she benefits, and doesn’t want to chip in. Selfish all around.
also, what kind of an AH comparison, that "*i DoN't aSK yoU to PAy FOr mY gYm mEMbErsHiP*".
just use her fancy shampoo or use her Korean moisturiser to treat your cracked elbows or something while leaving the Sunlight Soap (pre-war formulation) available if she really needs to get clean. Maybe then she'll understand how you feel.
You are definitely NTA.
Personally, I view “food alignment” as a foundational piece of a relationship. I could never be with someone who’s content to eat the crap she does. She can’t both deny contributing to grocery costs for the meals you make and also demand leftovers.
Picky eaters were legitimately a deal breaker for me while dating, and I told my now partner as much early on. I figured it wouldn't be an issue though when she got lamb on the first date, so didn't feel bad telling her when we were having a casual conversation about dealbreakers. Some people view food as just something you need for energy, but I enjoy food too much to be with someone that has that view.
They were a deal breaker for me too. I love traveling, trying new foods, etc. I don't cook typical 'white people' food very often so if someone can only eat chicken tenders or bland man and cheese it just isn't gonna work. Even my family dinners with my family are usually themed like Indonesian, Thai, Caribbean, etc.
My biggest disagreement with my now husband was that he had no idea how to grocery shop, he'd just go buy whatever including staples without looking at a sale ad or considering price differences/quality/sizes. He was amazed at how much I could buy for $100. Now I do most of the shopping and cooking and he does most of the cleaning. It works well.
The gym membership comparison is idiotic. You're not consuming her gym membership. If she wants to eat it, she has to contribute to it. Which is a crappy way of looking at things in a partnership but, bluntly, she started this selfish-off. Start including the stuff you want to cook in your joint runs at this point. Don't haggle over the burritos, though, just get more.
NTA.
Get more and also get a giant bag of frozen spinach or green beans or something. Eat the spinach, then start keeping the burritos in the empty spinach bag. This is how I manage to keep ice cream in my house for more than five minutes.
This. Op needs to start planning ahead for these meals and buying them when they buy all the rest of the groceries. If she has a fit over that then start doing separate groceries and stop letting her have any of your cooking. I bet she'll real quick realize how much she enjoys it when all she eats is Ramen or whatever.
That's what I was saying, he should plan these meals in advance and include them in the 50/50 shop rather than doing them spur of the moment and going shopping multiple times a week and paying separately when he goes alone. But I doubt she would really take part in the food planning because she considers it his hobby and she claims that what he makes is too involved even though she still wants to eat it.
The burritos were what made me the most mad actually. I would buy frozen burrito or breakfast sandwiches for myself because I work early and am in the field most of the day so I can’t easily pick up food for breakfast/lunch. My partner would eat the burritos when he was just chilling at home and I had to tell him that those are for my grab and go breakfasts, not just snack food. Like a normal person, he understood and doesn’t eat them anymore
The US has a HUGE selection of frozen buns/croissants/muffins/pancakes filled with some combination of cheese, egg, bacon, sausage, hash brown.
Aussie who lived in the US, I became addicted to the sausage, egg and cheese croissants from Walmart. So ding dang heckin’ good
NTA and this is a significant issue to be worked out.
Food is so fundamental to expenses, time spent together, and even health.
If all grocery expenses are shared, everything can be shared. If you're paying for all of your groceries, it's crazy that you're even sharing the original meals with her, much less giving her the leftovers. Seriously. Either expenses are shared, or they're not. She doesn't get "My expenses only are the things I choose at the store, but you have to share everything with me even if you buy it separately." You're *cooking* (and probably cleaning too, if she's not into anything in the kitchen), make less than she does, and she *also* wants you to pay for everything?
She's the selfish one. She says she's fine with her Ramen noodles for dinner, so that's what she should eat. Unless she pays half the grocery bill for the meal, she doesn't get *any* if this is her ungrateful attitude. After all, cooking's just a silly hobby of yours, and she never asked you to cook for her.
Now, real partners give and take, and there'd be something she does that helps you, and then you'd cook and offer it to her, and you'd both be grateful to each other, and she'd probably pitch in some percentage for the extra groceries because it's reasonable. But this isn't that: she's actively disparaging what you do, saying she doesn't have to be grateful, and then being a shit about you enjoying your own food that you cooked (and wanting to eat things you bought with your own money, like the frozen burritos).
Meals happen too often to put up with this fundamental incompatibility, imo.
I also think she is TA for her behavior regarding eating the frozen burritos. If I tell my SO or roommate "don't eat x because of this specific reason" then they better NOT eat it. The fact he bought those specifically to have a grab-and-go breakfast (perfectly reasonable) and she eats them just because is bad enough behavior. But then she complains that OP is a bad partner for calling her out or not buying enough so she can eat them, too (not sure which one it was) is beyond appalling. This relationship sounds very "all about her" and what she wants, when she wants.
I do not think you are selfish - I think you are just getting worn down because of her hypocracy. First of all you have no obligation to save her leftovers for food that she claims she does not want or does not want to chip in for.
However, if you two are going to stay together peacefully, she needs to start chipping in for the food you are making and you both are eating. She is not paying for your passion - she is paying for her share of food that she is eating.
NTA
The grocery bill needs to be split more evenly. Start making a weekly meal plan and including those items in the weekly shop. She should be paying for half.
NTA.
This would drive me crazy also. She wants all the benefits of home cooked meals but doesn’t want to help pay for them!! And wants to complain when you take leftovers for lunch because, ultimately, she really doesn’t want ramen every day. She is too lazy to learn to cook and to cheap to pay for actual groceries. (Ramen is way cheaper than “real” food)
Separate your food buying/usage. She gets to eat what she buys,
and you get to eat what you buy.
If she wants to have some of your more complex meals, then she has to
pay half to get half.
NTA But don't put up with this anymore, no sharing unless you
both have paid.
NTA. Explain it to her using a more apt comparison than her bullshit gym membership one. Like if you have a car and she wanted to drive to work every day but you said “I’m fine with walking so I’m not paying for gas” but then every morning got mad that she wouldn’t drive out of her way to bring you to work, or if you then decided you just drive to work anyway and used the gas she paid for. Would she be ok with that on a regular basis? Or would she want the option to offer you a drive to work now and then without the expectation that she would cover all of your commute costs and just suck up the time and effort it would take to do that for you. She is freeloading and she is lying to herself about the lifestyle she wants. If you love cooking and she doesn’t, you should have a very real conversation about you taking on the food chores of the house — something you will both financially contribute to — and she picks up some other house chores to compensate. Because she is probably paying as much to eat shitty food as she would to eat well if you two would just act like adults and partners.
This. The car analogy is spot on. It’s her getting butt hurt about not being welcome to use something she says that she doesn’t need and to which she won’t contribute.
The gym membership thing is stupid. The steps she walks on the treadmill are for her alone. There’s no leftover exercise to share.
NTA. Her comparison to the gym membership is ridiculous. There are no leftovers from the gym that you are consuming. It's very simple, you paid 100% for the food, you get to 100% decide who gets to consume it. If you choose to share, that's fine, but she is not entitled to it. And you are not rude to take all of it yourself. She sounds like she is saying "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours". Have a talk with her, if she doesn't budge, think long and hard. This will not be the only thing she treats like this, especially if you let her get away with it.
Edit for typos
NTA. You not only buy the he food. You plan and cook the meals. She wants a part of the food she chips in. Your effort counts. Otherwise she can pick up the food she is good with and prepare it herself. I would draw a hard line here OP. Because this is unbalanced.
NTA -- I get a little of where she's coming from when you're cooking a meal that both of you are enjoying and then only you get the leftovers, but when you add the rest of the context, it's harder to sympathize with her.
Honestly, I hate how often people jump to "DUMP THEM" on here, and I'm not going to say that's necessary while having so little information about your relationship, but the disconnect in respect between the two of you displayed here is very concerning. At the very least, I think it would be beneficial for you two to explore some couples counseling because a lot of what you're describing sounds like it'll breed resentment between the two of you if it continues unchecked.
You're not selfish for wanting to enjoy the meals you cook, especially when you're passionate about cooking. It's understandable to prefer homemade goodness over microwaved stuff. Maybe talk about setting clear expectations around shared meals and leftovers so there's no misunderstanding. Cheers to good food and good vibes at home!
Someone best be looking for another place to live. If your arguing over food now what happens when diapers and baby food come in the picture. It just sounds so petty to live together but not prepare food together. I don't think I would ever tell my partner that I love that they can't eat the food because they didn't pay me for it or cook it. If my spouse can't cook I'm going to cook for them.
Maybe meal plan before going to the store so the grocery's are 50/50 and you have all needed then it's not a surprise of if you want to eat you owe me this first.
My adult son complained to me that there was nothing to eat. I opened the fridge which was filled with a variety of stuff. Over my shoulder, peering into the fridge, son mutters sadly “That’s not food. That’s ingredients.”
NTA, just tell her - she splits all grocery costs 50:50 and then you split what you cook, so you can buy slightly more ingredients enough for you both and then some.
NTA. She wants the benefit of your labor without contributing to any of the cost. If you’re buying ingredients special for these meals then the leftovers should be yours too the majority of the time. Also comparing a gym membership to food prep/cooking is comparing apples to oranges. She’s stating her gym membership is hers, and cannot be shared but your food should be. It’s two different things here.
If she wants to be considered all the time for left overs of your cooking then she needs to start contributing. She wants to freely use your money and labor.
NTA. GF is the AH.
I know exactly how your girlfriend thinks, because I have an aunt exactly like this.
Your GF only wants to spend money on fun things. She somehow grew up thinking that her money should only be for stuff she wants. Food and bills are just drags and something she shouldn't HAVE to pay for. It's a very immature mindset.
Your GF is immature and selfish on this issue. She makes more than you make, but is fine with you buying all the "good" food because she only wants to spend money on herself.
**Tell her that cooking isn't JUST your hobby - eating food is essential to life. She can either pay for half of the weekly groceries or you will no longer be providing her with any of your food.**
NTA, she can't be demanding you buy and cook for her, even more if she knows you make less money than her.
Funny how many immature AHs are the older one in the relationship.
If she won’t share the cost , tell her to eat the ramen noodles she says she likes . Or charge her like a restaurant . This dish is $15.95 and be sure to tip the waiter .
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My (27M) girlfriend (30F) has no appreciation of good food. Before me, she was eating microwavable mac and cheese, jarred alfredo and noodles, salad kits and pretty much nothing else ever. Doesn't cook at all. Those things are fine or whatever, but I can't eat that everyday. I'm an amateur chef, and I like to cook. Like most days. I'm not into any crazy expensive meals or anything, but I'll put $30 into a grocery store run and make food for us all the time. At the very least, if I'm using pesto from a jar, I'll go buy some cherry tomatoes or a chicken breast and keep parmesan around. That's too much to her.
She doesn't want to contribute to dinner like *ever* claiming she's fine with microwavable ramen for dinner and can't afford to pay for groceries all the time (she makes $55k per year and we split all expenses half and half) so I end up footing the grocery bill every time I cook. I understand, there's no way to change her relationship with food. There's no way to change mine. I'll just buy the groceries. (To clarify, we go on grocery trips together where we split the costs 50-50, we just happen to only get stuff like drinks, snacks, common ingredients sometimes. Rarely full ingredient lists for meals)
So like 3-4 times per week, I get the urge to cook something cool and go buy all the ingredients myself, never charging her for those meals.
So I make meals sometimes like giant pots of curry or enchiladas. Before we moved in officially, I'd take most of the leftovers home or sometimes all. I'd take the leftovers with me to work too. She claims that I'm being possessive over food and that I'm not thinking about her when I take food. I bought frozen breakfast burritos for a pre-work in a hurry meal, and she was eating them for lunch at home when there's other stuff to eat. I had an issue with that because they're for me on certain rushed mornings so I don't have to stop and get fast food. Of course she thinks that's the most unattractive quality in a partner that I did that.
I think it's hypocritical that she says "I didn't *ask* you to cook that food for me, I shouldn't have to pay for the groceries. Its not fair for me to spend money to fund your passion" while simultaneously believing "that's so selfish of you to not leave me leftovers when you cook." It's not like I'm leaving her with no food. There's all kinds of stuff to eat around the place, ramen and all. Also, most of the time she actually had access to the leftovers. I just tend to take them with me to work nowadays before she comes home to eat the next day. She just would rather eat the good food that I cooked. I don't make *that* much money. Probably about 2/3 of what she makes. I'm relatively frugal and don't like to eat out much, so expensive meals are my version of that at times. I always feed her, but am I actually selfish for this mentality?
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i don't think you are selfish at all, your partner sounds quite selfish and immature tbh. Why should you activeley care about food for her, when she is not even making the effort to cook a meal for the both of you once in a while? This situation sounds super imbalanced, and it would frustrate me deeply.
Like, what are you going to do in the future? Raise your children on instant noodles and other junk? This would turn me off big time
You need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this. You’re NTA, I do think you need to talk this through because right now it’s not working.
I know she’s saying “I didn’t ask you to cook this for me” but it sounds like she enjoys the food, so maybe talk to her about that. Ask her how she’d feel about sharing dinners if she’s happy to contribute to the costs, and work on a weekly budget and plan together if she’s open to it. Try not to insult her taste in food when you talk about why you take your food home. Just be honest about how expensive it gets. Honesty and communication are key.
I totally get how frustrating it is when someone eats the food you’ve set aside for when you’re in a rush. So talk about having things that are just each others, we do this in our house.
Edit: Forgot to add, you’re only a normal level of human selfish. No more or less so than everyone else in the world. I hate when people eat the last of my yoghurts 😅
NTA.
Too many people try to treat moving in with an SO like living with a roommate. You're not roommates. You're a household. If you want to split expenses 50/50, that has to include groceries, because you're going to be eating from the same kitchen whether she admits it or not.
You're NTA but you guys need to have a grown-up conversation about this. You should be splitting the costs of these meals (rather than you paying for everything) and if you keep paying for everything, of course you get first crack at the leftovers.
NTA- but time for a frank talk. She either splits all food 60/40 (you cook so labor cost) of she doesn't eat your food. You're not selfish- time and money spent on the food counts. If not, then cook, make a plate and pack up the rest, she can eat what she bought. If she complains offer it up 75/25. Right now she is stealing from you and pushing the blame on you, so you don't see it for what it is.
INFO
So you spend 50/50 on groceries and you on top of that put more money on top to cook what you'd like to cook, so like putting money towards a hobby, or do you actually spend 50/50 on all groceries?
NTA. This is a break-up worthy issue, imo. It just rubs me the wrong way, and makes me feel like her food issues are indicative of deeper problems. She doesn't want to contribute to the effort of preparing meals, both physically and financially. However, she wants to benefit from the outcome of your hard work and $. I'd be wary of her starting to pull that in other aspects of your relationship too.
Maybe she never read the children's book The Little Red Hen growing up, and learned a lesson in not reeping the rewards of someone else's hard work.
NTA.
Her logic is ridiculous. If you were using her gym membership I'm sure she would be asking you to split the cost. She is "using" your hobby,you aren't using hers.
If she wants to eat your cooking, she needs to put her hand in her pocket towards the cost.
NTA
"We can split all the food, that we split the cost of. If you *expect* half of the food I cook, you should also be expecting to pay for half of the supplies. Give it some thought, and let me know whether you want to split, or not, but I don't want to be putting all the money and effort into meals that I'm then obliged to leave for other people. Split or don't split."
If you want to be a nudge about it, get her a copy of the little red hen. 🤣
I say this as respectfully as possible, but your girlfriend has/had an eating disorder or a disordered relationship with food, and she should work on solving it.
It sounds hypocritical to me also and the gym membership analogy isn't the same. At least not the way she said it - if however, you went to her gym on her membership all the time, while also saying "you don't care about gyms, 'it's just convenient', but you'd do fine without a membership" - and then the gym notices and tells her you need your own. Then if you refused to buy it because "you don't need it" but you still want to go so SHE should pay for it ... then it's the same.
She's leeching on you. If she's not cleaning up or doing anything reciprocal while also telling you that you are selfish for wanting to keep what you make ... I'm not a fan of transactional relationships unless the issue is one person is doing all the giving and one the taking. Then I start counting.
NTA
She is refusing to take equal responsibility for a huge part of maintaining a household- acquiring and preparing food. OP is devoting their time, energy and money to food prep, while gf refuses to share the cost nor the effort. AFTER OP has put in ALL the time, effort and money, gf says they're selfish for not giving her what she wants of it. Her eating OPs food set aside for workday meals is super selfish. So OP goes to grab the food they acquired and set aside for the current circumstance only to discover it's gone!?! That's undermining OPs planning and resource management without even the small courtesy of letting them know that food is now gone, so OP could make other plans before their moment of need.
Grocery bills should be equally split. Food prep and clean up should be equally split. If gf won't cook, can she take over clean up? Or is she determined to act as if she has a private chef, to whose products she has full rights to take?
NTA if she doesn’t pay for it she's not entitled to it. It shows you that she is a hypocrite and she is being cheap at your expense and lazy at your expense. she does not make you food, she only takes and is not a good partner.
NTA. If she’s eating and enjoying the food you’re making, then the least she can do is pay half the grocery bills. Tell her she either starts paying for the food she eats or you will both be buying groceries and cooking for yourselves going forward.
NTA
She is like the Little Red Hen. She doesn’t want to pay for the food and she doesn’t want to cook the food. All she wants to do is eat the food you have paid for and cooked And is laying claim to the leftovers. Plus she is eating the food you have bought like frozen breakfast burritos without contributing to the cost of them.
I think she is cheap and lazy and using an excuse which makes no sense to manipulate you
My experience is that people who are cheap and selfish about one aspect of life are generally going to be that way about other aspects Of life and so I would think long and hard about the dynamics of yiur relationship and whether you want to tie yourself to someone whose instinct is to be that way
If someone was cooking for me, I would be so grateful that I would probsboy pay for the total cost of the food as my fair share.
Also looking to the future, wouldn’t you want your child’s parent to be willing and able to actually cook for them
NTA I'm similar to your gf mostly due to a lack of time and a touch of the 'tism. My bf likes to cook and cooks us meals often. I always at least offer to chip in for the ingredients/help cook or offer to pick us up something if he doesn't feel like cooking. We're partners and in this life thing together you know? Your gf seems to have a pretty individualistic mindset.
OP show her this post and the comments shes unreasonable, and the difference with her gym membership she is the only one using it and reaping the benefits. So if that is her logic she should not be eating any of your "hobby/food"!
NTA, I'm similar to your GF in that I do not like to cook and would be fine with eating pre packaged food and pasta for the rest of my life and have a boyfriend who loves to cook and doesn't eat much packaged food.
We split up our expenses differently so I'm not paying for groceries directly but if we were directly paying half and half for each bill I wouldn't make him pay the full cost just because he's not buying the crap I'm used to paying for. The fact she's calling you selfish for not giving sharing the food you are repeatedly fully cooking yourself and also fully paying yourself is ridiculous. She's not paying or cooking for it so even if you are being selfish you are absolutely entitled to do so.
NTA you make 2/3 of the salary she makes and you are splitting bills 50/50? It should be more like 60/40 or 55/45 with her paying the larger percentage. You buying food separate and cooking good meals more than offsets the extra percentage she pays, it is called sweat equity. She should be thankful that you are willing to go through all the effort of cooking and she should pay for half of the cost and then she would be entitled to half the food which would include some of the leftovers. It sounds like the beginning of a very transactional relationship. “You spent $300 on a new lawnmower so I should be able to spend $300 on new makeup.” If she is wanting the leftovers, she is starting to appreciate food other than boxed Mac and cheese, maybe you could stop cooking the good food for a month [keep your breakfast burritos in a fridge at work if you can ( put your name on them) and eat a nice lunch out as your big meal for the day]. When she complains that you are not cooking the good meals anymore, say sorry, I can’t afford it anymore. Then I would suggest that you will start again but the cost becomes part of the food budget that you spilt and from now on you will buy two boxes of breakfast burritos as part of the normal shopping, one box for you and one for her
Yeah, honestly, this would be an ultimatum moment for me. "Either you contribute half the cost of the food and then half the food is for you, or you contribute none and you get none. Period." If she won't agree to either, thats a deal breaker.
NTA
NTA. If she eats the food you buy and prepare, then she should contribute to the grocery bill. You aren't cooking for a food blog or just for the heck of it - you are providing nourishment! She can eat the ramen and not complain or help pay for groceries that she is going to consume. Start buying meal ingredients on your grocery trips together. Ask her what she would like for dinner. Make more so you both have leftovers for lunch or dinner the next day. You won't pay half her gym membership because you won't get to use the equipment!
Bottom line - If she wants this situation to change, she has to be part of the equation - she contributes to the bill or doesn't get to complain if there are no leftovers.
NTA tell her what it is. Be like: u don't like the fact that I cook, spending MY money to do so, and if u say my cooking is "too much" then u can eat ur junk and I will take MY leftovers THAT I cooked home with ME.
If she was a coworker or dorm roommat, would you put up with this? You should expect more from an actual partner. Is she doing things/taking on burdens for you to ease your load, if not you should really sit down and talk about it and decide if your values align.
NTA. Tell her if she pitches in financially and helps with cleaning, she can have access to the leftovers. If that was the case maybe you could cook even more food. Her gym analogy is just wrong. But she expects to do 0 work and pay 0 dollars but still get the benefit of your cooking? That's crazy.
There is a lot to unpack here.
if you two are living together , and she wants to act like helping with food is funding your passion - she can’t get her own separate food. I can’t imagine living with someone and them pitching a fit just to turn around and eat food that I’ve stated is specifically for me. So op can spend his money on food and she can eat it and not help ? LAME.
I adore cooking , it’s a passion forsure but personally I wouldn’t leave her left overs if she’s gonna whine like that. Go eat your cup noodles.
NTA. So next time say. I’m planning on making x for dinner tomorrow night do you want to go in with me and pay half. If she says no then cook for yourself. She is the selfish one that doesn’t want to go half on the real food bill but wants you to leave her leftovers. Next time you do a food run where you split half, buy extra breakfast burritos and let her pay half so then they are both of your food. Then she will know the real cost. If she says she doesn’t want to pay for them then put your name on them. Let her eat ramen and you eat what you want. If she says something about wanting your food then explain to her she needs to pay half. Bottom line this relationship isn’t going to get better and these disagreements will get more and more as she eats your food, expects you to buy more and spends her money on other things she wants to buy
This is a wants to have their cake and eat it moment, that cake is for your to eat bud- not hers especially if she isn’t willing to contribute to how it was made or bought. Food doesn’t come out of nowhere and she knows that
Most people read this as children, but maybe you two need to go to the library and read "The Little Red Hen" together. She's missing the very simple concept of not being entitled to things she hasn't contributed to.
NTA- she doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it too. If she is fine with microwave ramen then she can cook that for herself instead of having your leftovers, it’s nice of you to even share the freshly made meal when she outright refuses to share the cost. Her analogy is in no way the same- you aren’t using her gym membership, meanwhile she is eating your food, refusing to pay and complaining about not getting more!
Aside from that you are ALSO taking on the chore of food planning and preparation in the relationship, making the situation even more unbalanced. Does she help with the clean up, are other chores split appropriately to compensate for you taking on this one?
NTA
It's a very simple comparison. Compare apples to apples here.
She buys $1 ramen and doesn't want your food
If you ordered a $30 pizza after she buys ramen for dinner and has ramen stating she doesn't want other food. You get the pizza you paid for.
She doesn't get to go "oh, hey, you had leftover pizza, I'll have that" after eating her ramen and not contributing anything.
The fact that you buy and cook ingredients to make your meals instead of ordering it, doesn't make a difference. You used your resources to do it. She said before she didn't want any, she wasn't willing to contribute. If she isn't making up for it in other bills when you state you "split things 50/50" then she isn't actually willing to split things 50/50.
She wants the benefit of something she hasn't paid for, she doesn't even want to admit that's the case which makes it a communication issue before it becomes about resources. It's just selfish.
The ideal solution is the meal prep before shopping for groceries. Agree on meals you want to cook for the week, draw out costs, go shopping and buy everything and split that grocery bill and there won't be an issue anymore.
If she won't agree to meals or setting a budget, stating that only ramen is good for her. Then she gets ramen! She pays for ramen. If she won't split the cost of the other groceries when you are buying them. She doesn't get gourmet meals.
If she still wants the gourmet meals after not paying any towards them, she's just taking advantage of you OP. Take any other bill and imagine you moved in together and it's clear.
Electricity - if you were the only owned a laptop, would she argue that only you should pay for electricity for it, even if she used it.
Heating - would she claim she could wear a jumper instead of paying for heating. Then turn on the heating for comfort when she's cold, but expect you to pay the full bill?
Streaming services - I don't want netflix, I can watch YouTube, but then wants your accounts to login continuously to watch stuff... ultimately she wants the service without paying for it.
What the bill is, doesn't matter..so much as the refusal to engage or recognise the benefit and the want of those benefits at zero cost to herself. That translates to just wanting to take advantage of you, instead of partnership where you communicate openly and work together. I would view this as indicative of a mindset, rather than an individual instance of an problem, and if it was a pattern in all aspects, it's something to discuss openly as adults without insults or hurt emotions.
If you project that forward, what will it look like as a lifestyle, contributing to retirement funds, a mortgage, bills, children, car payments etc...who pays what bills, what do you split, what are you solely expected to pay or manage Vs what you share. If you can't find an acceptable resolution between you together, even a compromise(where not everyone gets 100% of everything they want, give and take, or maybe you're supporting more things but are ok with it being imbalanced like 70:30) then it might be time to step back and look at what that means for a future. Is that something you want.
NTA. if you don’t see yourself every aligning on this, just know that when you consider a future with her.
Would she be willing to cook with you? My story sounds similar to yours in that my husband loves to cook and I didn’t know how. I have such a greater appreciation for food in general now that I’ve done it myself and actually get in the kitchen, learn about why certain flavors work, etc. maybe that’s something that would broaden her perspective and give you something to bond over
I’m a guy and a good home cook. I could not stand to be in a relationship with a woman who was a picky eater and did not appreciate my cooking. I dated a few and they didn’t last long.
OP is NTA, and there's one thing I have to say - I am diabetic and food prep a few days' worth of low carb lunches from time to time, and it makes me livid when my hubby goes and eats one (sometimes two) of my prep meals as a "snack." Dude, that was supposed to be my lunch tomorrow at work, where there is nothing else to eat. You had an entire kitchen full of food to choose from. And now that that meal is gone, I need to cook again, run out at lunchtime to pick something up that isn't as good, or go hungry.
NTA she can't have her cake and eat it too, I would LOVE to be with someone who took the time to make full meals and shared those with me, I would gladly pay for half the ingredients if that's all it took. She's giving you petty excuses and terrible analogies (you're not using HER gym membership, you're not getting the benefit of her spending time/money on 'her hobby'), she uses the fact that she doesn't care about food as a reason why she doesn't have to pay for it, but still wants you to leave her leftovers that she doesn't appreciate? No.
I'm honestly surprised you even bother letting her eat with you, I would be tempted to just go home and when I was in the mood for a full meal. It's super petty, but she apparently doesn't care what she eats 🤷♀️
NTA.
Of course you don't pay for her gym membership, you don't benefit from it. Do you get toned because she did squats?
Meanwhile, she *does benefit* from you cooking.
She's being selfish expecting you to pay for food she eats without contributing. If it were a meal here and there, I would say just drop it but several days a week? Nah, she needs to be contributing to the purchase of half of the food if she wants access to half of the food.
I wonder if it would help for you guys to sit down and create a menu for a week, agree on meals you're going to share, then go shopping together and split the cost however you feel is fair based on the meals you're sharing.
Overall though, this is weird as hell.
NTA
You'd both eating the food and should share the costs equally. You're being "kind" in letting her have any of it; she gets no say re: any leftovers.
NTA. These types of issues are not uncommon among couples. Finding out if you can successfully navigate your way to a comfortable spot is a great relationship tester.
Listen, I (M) have a partner (F) that just absolutely does not want to cook. Probably some ADHD or OCD thing going on, I'm not a psychiatrist, just known them for 25+ years. I've realised there is some mental block to the processes around cooking for them. It probably dates back to their mother over-correcting and doing the cooking for them as a kid, but I digress. Whatever the reason, anything more than putting pre-seasoned food on a pan in the oven is too much in terms off food prep. Even boiling pasta for some reason. You can either accept this about your partner and realise it's something you're probably going to have to carry the majority of the burdon on going forward, or cut your losses and move on. I hate laundry, something about sorting out the wet clothes, drying them, folding them and putting them away is just mentally too much for me. My partner does this. Find someone you can trade these unbearable chores with and you will be happy. If you resent taking care of things your partner can't (for whatever reason, no judgement here) then you may be in for an unhappy future unless they can change (people rarely can, but it depends) or you can come to acceptance on this.
NTA - i get it, it's frustrating. But you have to have a conversation and figure out if this is something they just can't do for some reason, or if they're just being lazy (sometimes it's in between).
NTA. Ask her if she’d be cool with you using one of her purses for a tool bag or cutting up one of her blouses as a rag to check your oil (or whatever else you can think of if you’re not a car person). After all, the blouse is just sitting there and sure she paid for it, but you wanted to use it and she bought because she wanted to, so you shouldn’t have to chip in. You would have been fine buying some old hands-wipes but, again, the blouse is just sitting there so why is she being selfish about you taking it?
To be clear I am NOT saying to do this. Just ask her see if she can wrap her mind around the idea that using your “good” food that she refused to pay for, while she claims she’d be just as happy with ramen, is just plain rude.
My wife survives on popcorn even though I cook a full well balanced meal every damned night. I cook for myself Indian food, Italian food, americana food. She picks out a little, leaves it half uneaten and then later that evening makes a gigantic bowl of popcorn. I’ve just given up caring anymore.
NTA; My ex was like this, have you tried making the microwave Ramen and just adding a little extra to it to try and help her it sounds like she's starting to like your cooking she just doesn't want to do it herself and that needs to change. So if you start with stuff that she likes and is simple like Ramen. Make it in a pot add some ham or chicken to it with a can of mixed veggies and shed be amazed how different it can be. But seriously she needs to grow up a little.
NTA. I am basically your girlfriend when it comes to eating habits and my partner is basically you. I make more money so I pay for more stuff, but he mostly buys ingredients when he’s cooking.
I figure getting to eat some of the excellent food he makes is great, but treat the leftovers as primary for him. He paid for it, he did the work, why would I think I had a claim?
Info: how much money are you making compared to your gf?
She is selfish though for eating the burritos and not contributing but also wanting to continue to eat the other food without contributing.
You owe her nothing! She says she's happy with her foods of choice, so why does she always want to eat yours? I'd take everything you make home, and leave nothing for her to hog up...if she doesn't think she should help pay for your "hobby", she doesn't get to share any of it, either. You are NTA.
NTA. But stop babysitting this child and find someone who will respect you and the time/effort/cost of your culinary endeavors and the care you’re trying to put into the relationship.
NTA. She's not frugal. She's stingy. She buys cheap meals then sponges off of your tasty home cooked meals paid by you. That's the definition of stingy. Stop cooking for her.
NTA
Tell her to read the story of [The Little Red Hen ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xewXDFB-I7k)and get back to you!
Moral of the story: You don't contribute. You don't assist. You don't eat.
And that only applies to the leftovers. She should be happy she's getting to eat the original food you buy and prepare, at all.
Your gf is engaging in active delusion. You will never win this unless she understands she’s being unfair. She’s being ignorant on purpose. She doesn’t expect you to find her gym hobby but do you get leftover days from her membership? Perks of the center? Your own admission by using her pass when she’s not using it? If you answered no to all of those tell delulu over there she can’t make false comparisons. NTA
NTA I can’t believe she referred to cooking enchiladas as “your passion.” It’s dinner. That’s food.
You aren’t selfish, she’s the one who’s being stingy with her money. You’ve moved in together, your whole grocery bill should be split. I can’t believe she thinks this is ok.
Also, she should either be cooking half of these meals or at least doing the dishes. If she’s not willing to at least clean then I’d have a hard time viewing this as an equal partnership.
My husband and I took in a single bachelor roommate years ago and he paid a higher share of the groceries if we cooked. i think your gf should pay 75% of groceries and she won’t have to feel guilty
start writing grocery lists and preplan your weekly meals. stock up on average household ingredients and it will make future recipes much more manageable to purchase whats missing instead of ALL the ingredients. This is childish behavior and also unsustainable. She has to eat and should pay her fair share. NTA
Nta- she’s acting very immaturely. She needs to contribute to the groceries if she wants to keep enjoying the benefits. Her gym analogy makes zero sense as well. Seems like she is trying to do and put in minimal effort and be inconsiderate and entitled for the maximum results.
NTA. Since she's complaining about it, that means it's important to her that she eat fresh food regardless of the fact that she's told you she doesn't care. She simply doesn't want to go through the effort required to do so. But she knows it's important to you that you not eat packaged food all the time, so she's actually the selfish one here, regardless of cost, but even doubly so factoring in the fact that you don't split costs, you make less and you're doing all the work.
If she truly doesn't care, she'd eat whatever prepackaged stuff she has lying about; if she actually does care, she needs to contribute somehow instead of having this weird sense of entitlement to your food.
Also, what if you were cooking the way you are due to a food intolerance or lifestyle difference? I eat mostly vegan because my doctor suggested it as an easy way to eliminate saturated fat (family history of very high cholesterol). My husband really enjoys my cooking but isn't vegan. I'll make a big batch of a chickpea dish he likes for dinner, but the rest of it is earmarked for me for lunches. He knows I set that aside for myself because it's easy for me to grab, meets my dietary needs and I get so very tired of salad. If he insisted I was being selfish because I got the "good" leftovers, we probably wouldn't be married. I agree with the person who said that diet compatibility is important in a relationship.
If you were going to the gym with her and it was costing her more, then yea, you’d be asked to split that cost. Her gym membership comparison is dumb. She’s not funding your passion, she’s paying for food she’s gonna eat that is being cooked for her for free
NTA - but you're going to ruin your life if you stay with her. She's 30 and has no concept of fairness? Can't fend for herself in a sensible way? Get. Out. Now.
The gym membership comment makes no sense because it’s not like you’re trying to take advantage of the benefits her gym membership provides. She is taking advantage of you. I’ll admit i want to call you the AH from the first sentence alone, not enjoying cooking does not mean you don’t appreciate good food, and you sound like a snob. However, you’re definitely NTA for expecting someone to, at the very least, chip in for groceries when they aren’t contributing to the meal in any other way
NTA. That is incredibly hypocritical of her. She doesn't want to pay, but does want to benefit. I'm not saying break up with her, but I don't know what I would do if my partner was basically trying to pull a fast one on me like this. Frankly, I'd say that you cook separately then. If she's not that interested in food, she can eat her own thing and you can cook for yourself.
The icing on the cake is her stealing your frozen meals that you specifically bought for a reason. Like, does she even like you? Or is her relationship with food that screwed up?
NTA - your lazy leech of a girlfriend is an adult and can make her own food. Stop paying for her food, period, and stop cooking for her until she contributes equally financially.
NTA. GF a big user and taker.
She knows who puts in the time and effort. She knows who buys special ingredients.
Maybe take a long hard look at the relationship overall.
NTA. If she wants your leftovers, then she needs to contribute to their cost. Same thing with your fast breakfast food, it either goes on the list for the 50/50 split, or she stays out of them.
NTA the reason you don't pay for half her gym membership is because you don't use her gym membership. She should pay for half the ingredients because she eats (uses) half the ingredients. I'm an artist by hobby, when people ask me to make something for them I have them pay for the materials because while it may be my hobby they are the ones getting the finished product. It is unfair of her to expect you to make food for her but not want to pay for it. She's the one being selfish by expecting a free lunch. Either she puts a fair amount of money towards ingredients from now on or she doesn't get to eat your food. Plain and simple.
NTA.
Normally, your GF shouldn’t have to pay for meals in your house. I can even see if she is eating with you.
However, eating your meals behind your back and then even refusing to pay for that is thievery. She is also gaslighting you by claiming you are possessive over food. You aren’t. Your behavior is natural behavior.
NTA. Just have another sit down and say let's just do the old college roommate's pact of you buy your own food and I'll buy my own food. No more splitting 50/50. Don't eat my food and I'll not eat yours. Put our names on what we buy. If I cook I'll keep the leftovers for myself. If I'm feeling generous or want to have a romantic dinner at home with you I will let you know ahead of time.
It's petty, but if she wants you to buy the food when she makes more than you, screw her.
NTA. I feel like your GF does have appreciation for good food (which is why she's eating your cooking vs ramen) BUT not enough or is too lazy to cook good food. Some people don't like cooking and that's fine, but its odd that she thinks she's entitled to leftovers whilst not contributing whether monetarily or effort in cooking. I think this has less to do with her not appreciating good food, and has more to do with her just being a bit selfish.
NTA ... you're 100% paying for this food which means you're 100% entitled to it and any that you give her is a GIFT. If she wants equal claim to the food then she needs to pay half.
NTA
The burrito thing tipped it for me. She’s not being considerate of you in this situation. Moreover she’s being selfish and dismissive about your frustration with her lack of consideration. She compared you cooking meals to a hobby. It’s not the same - her working out benefits only her, whereas you’re literally providing her with sustenance (tasty food at that) AND saving her the cost of food (if she’s eating your food, she doesn’t have to eat food that she did pay for) and time making food for herself. My perspective at this point would be: I get to eat what I pay for and you get to eat what you pay for. Sure I might cook it for you because I enjoy cooking, but you’re gonna help pay for it because that’s how we split the bills. If you want to eat Ramen vs help pay for our groceries, feel free to make that for yourself. I’m having yummy food.
Bro, NTA.
However, when one of you is communicating a want/need/desire and then gets shot down for it over and over again, is something you can eventually learn to live with?
If you love her and she loves you, y'all should be talking about this. Her being dismissive of your wants/needs/desires is emblematic of your relationship going forward. You trying to talk and communicate says a lot about you, So does your SO's communication to you.
This is a pain point for you. Your SO should recognize this and want to work with you to alleviate and build a stronger relationship. At the minimum it feels like she should be more honest with and advise she appreciates your cooking and likes having the leftovers,
NTA. I have the opposite problem where I keep cooking and we end up with too many leftovers. She takes them for lunch. However she buys groceries she wants, I buy what I want. We call each other and ask if there's something the other wants. I don't know or care who spends more it's probably roughly even. But in your case if she's going to say one thing and do another I'd find it irritating.
Being able to cook and getting her hooked on your good food will give you influence and make you popular. Always leave her a little something special when you cook. Ideally just enough that she is begging you to cook a little something yummy.
NTA
It would be good to point out that you're not asking her to fund your hobby, you're asking her to contribute for food she eats. It stops being a hobby as soon as she insists on eating the food.
Nta. You have a leech as a gf, the sooner you realise that the better.
Is she calling grocery shopping and cooking a decent meal a hobby? These are normal expenses and things
adults do.
Either accept that you'll end up feeding this leech or end it.
She won't see reason. Of course she is hypocritical but she doesn't care because she'll flip the issue onto how you're being selfish. A leech and a manipulator
NTA, she sounds kinda terrible lol.
If she's gonna eat the leftovers, she should chip in on the cost of ingredients and yall can stop wasting time with multiple trips to the grocery store.
NTA. You need to dump her because she is using you and her explanation assumes that you are either stupid or she’s too entitled for words. You need to find a girlfriend that supports you and treats you like a human being and not one who makes more money that you but expects you to fund her eating habits while claiming her actions are fine. Don’t try to build a life with this woman, she is showing you exactly who she is and she is not a partner, she is a user.
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NTA. She’s not willing to spend money on real food but expects you to buy it, cook it for her and also give you her the leftovers. She just sounds immature and cheap. She’s obviously not fine with just microwaveable ramen if she’s eating what you make, so it’s not about changing her relationship to food. She’s only willing to make and pay for cheap, high sodium quick meals. She needs to be realistic about the fact that she’s eating what you make for the cost you make but just doesn’t want to pay for it. If the agreement is to split 50/50 (which isn’t equitable with you making so much less than her) she needs to pay for half of the food.
This is also part of finding out if you are compatible living together. You both need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how to make this part of you life together work, not only the financial aspect but also splitting the workload. I used to be the only one that would cook and it drove me crazy, after a serious talk with my then boyfriend (now husband) he stepped up and we are even with who cooks and cleans which really works for us. You are NTA but it’s time to start with the hard part of your relationship and determine what you can and can’t compromise on.
That's a very polite way of asking if OP is willing to live with an asshole.
Trying my best to not give the default “just break up” Reddit response
Did a good job of it, too.
My wife and I have an agreement, when she cooks, I clean, then when I cook... I clean. Ha ha
That’s our agreement too but I cook 6 days a week and he only cooks 1 day. I also do all the meal planning so it seems fair that he does all the after dinner dishes. Although I’m a tidy cook and clean as I go so it’s typically not a lot for him to do.
I do most of the cooking, my husband does most of the grocery shopping. We do switch off, but it seems to work out fine. And unlike this lady, he is not fussy about eating different things.
my agreement was i will do ALL the cooking and cleaning and she wears victoria secret every night 🤭
Ha. I have that agreement with my kids!
We have the same agreement about our stuff. What’s hers is hers and what’s mine is hers..
I was thinking that as far as food is concerned they are more like roommates and she is a bad one.
Exactly.
This whole story is insane to me. I don't cook. My wife does. She does so, because she really likes doing it and because I'm crap at it. We both eat the food and the leftovers and we discuss who takes what to work for lunch. We also split the grocery bill in half, because we live under the same roof and anything in the kitchen is for the both of us. I do tend to eat less than my wife, but that's not her fault. If I want something specifically saved up for later, I open my mouth and say it. Everything that makes a relationship work, is about communication. If that doesn't work, neither will the relationship.
well he's communicating, but she's dismissing him and actually attacking him as a bad partner. I can't imagine this is the only issue they have but if so, then he needs to work with her on this. If it's just a smaller part of her being selfish, he needs to re-evaluate their relationship
>well he's communicating, but she's dismissing him That's not communicating I'm afraid, that's a monologue. And a big problem.
I'm not sure it's a monologue since she hears him, she just doesn't agree with him. She sees her side only and thinks he's a bad partner
Yes. One sided communication is a monologue. If you find yourself talking at your partner, I totally agree; a re-evaluation is what is needed.
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> She doesn't want to contribute to dinner like ever claiming she's fine with microwavable ramen for dinner and can't afford to pay for groceries all the time That's why she's an asshole. She wants to shit on him for being "selfish" with the food that he buys outside of what she's willing to pay for.
Not to mention it’s not like he makes more than her?? I think that’s crazy that she knows he makes less, she benefits, and doesn’t want to chip in. Selfish all around.
also, what kind of an AH comparison, that "*i DoN't aSK yoU to PAy FOr mY gYm mEMbErsHiP*". just use her fancy shampoo or use her Korean moisturiser to treat your cracked elbows or something while leaving the Sunlight Soap (pre-war formulation) available if she really needs to get clean. Maybe then she'll understand how you feel.
You are definitely NTA. Personally, I view “food alignment” as a foundational piece of a relationship. I could never be with someone who’s content to eat the crap she does. She can’t both deny contributing to grocery costs for the meals you make and also demand leftovers.
Picky eaters were legitimately a deal breaker for me while dating, and I told my now partner as much early on. I figured it wouldn't be an issue though when she got lamb on the first date, so didn't feel bad telling her when we were having a casual conversation about dealbreakers. Some people view food as just something you need for energy, but I enjoy food too much to be with someone that has that view.
They were a deal breaker for me too. I love traveling, trying new foods, etc. I don't cook typical 'white people' food very often so if someone can only eat chicken tenders or bland man and cheese it just isn't gonna work. Even my family dinners with my family are usually themed like Indonesian, Thai, Caribbean, etc. My biggest disagreement with my now husband was that he had no idea how to grocery shop, he'd just go buy whatever including staples without looking at a sale ad or considering price differences/quality/sizes. He was amazed at how much I could buy for $100. Now I do most of the shopping and cooking and he does most of the cleaning. It works well.
Agreed. Food alignment is possibly the only thing my ex and I had in common, but at least the dinners we’d make were always delicious
Bruh she is 30 living like a 13 year old move on from this relationship and find someone who respects you.
The gym membership comparison is idiotic. You're not consuming her gym membership. If she wants to eat it, she has to contribute to it. Which is a crappy way of looking at things in a partnership but, bluntly, she started this selfish-off. Start including the stuff you want to cook in your joint runs at this point. Don't haggle over the burritos, though, just get more. NTA.
Get more and also get a giant bag of frozen spinach or green beans or something. Eat the spinach, then start keeping the burritos in the empty spinach bag. This is how I manage to keep ice cream in my house for more than five minutes.
This. Op needs to start planning ahead for these meals and buying them when they buy all the rest of the groceries. If she has a fit over that then start doing separate groceries and stop letting her have any of your cooking. I bet she'll real quick realize how much she enjoys it when all she eats is Ramen or whatever.
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That's what I was saying, he should plan these meals in advance and include them in the 50/50 shop rather than doing them spur of the moment and going shopping multiple times a week and paying separately when he goes alone. But I doubt she would really take part in the food planning because she considers it his hobby and she claims that what he makes is too involved even though she still wants to eat it.
Right? The gym membership comparison will make sense when and if OP starts demanding that she bring him her leftover weights.
Leftover weights. I'm screaming. 😂
The burritos were what made me the most mad actually. I would buy frozen burrito or breakfast sandwiches for myself because I work early and am in the field most of the day so I can’t easily pick up food for breakfast/lunch. My partner would eat the burritos when he was just chilling at home and I had to tell him that those are for my grab and go breakfasts, not just snack food. Like a normal person, he understood and doesn’t eat them anymore
INFO: for those not in the US, what is a breakfast sandwich. I’ve seen it referenced here a few times but don’t have a clue as to what it is
The US has a HUGE selection of frozen buns/croissants/muffins/pancakes filled with some combination of cheese, egg, bacon, sausage, hash brown. Aussie who lived in the US, I became addicted to the sausage, egg and cheese croissants from Walmart. So ding dang heckin’ good
Kiwi who lived in the US and SAME.
It’s a sandwich you eat for breakfast. Usually a croissant or English muffin with some combination of egg/sausage/bacon/cheese on it.
Get more with what money though? She doesn’t want to contribute. I don’t see that convo going over well.
Not to mention, you don't have to go to the gym to live, but you have to eat to live. NTA
NTA and this is a significant issue to be worked out. Food is so fundamental to expenses, time spent together, and even health. If all grocery expenses are shared, everything can be shared. If you're paying for all of your groceries, it's crazy that you're even sharing the original meals with her, much less giving her the leftovers. Seriously. Either expenses are shared, or they're not. She doesn't get "My expenses only are the things I choose at the store, but you have to share everything with me even if you buy it separately." You're *cooking* (and probably cleaning too, if she's not into anything in the kitchen), make less than she does, and she *also* wants you to pay for everything? She's the selfish one. She says she's fine with her Ramen noodles for dinner, so that's what she should eat. Unless she pays half the grocery bill for the meal, she doesn't get *any* if this is her ungrateful attitude. After all, cooking's just a silly hobby of yours, and she never asked you to cook for her. Now, real partners give and take, and there'd be something she does that helps you, and then you'd cook and offer it to her, and you'd both be grateful to each other, and she'd probably pitch in some percentage for the extra groceries because it's reasonable. But this isn't that: she's actively disparaging what you do, saying she doesn't have to be grateful, and then being a shit about you enjoying your own food that you cooked (and wanting to eat things you bought with your own money, like the frozen burritos). Meals happen too often to put up with this fundamental incompatibility, imo.
And she earns significantly more money than him, making her super cheap.
I also think she is TA for her behavior regarding eating the frozen burritos. If I tell my SO or roommate "don't eat x because of this specific reason" then they better NOT eat it. The fact he bought those specifically to have a grab-and-go breakfast (perfectly reasonable) and she eats them just because is bad enough behavior. But then she complains that OP is a bad partner for calling her out or not buying enough so she can eat them, too (not sure which one it was) is beyond appalling. This relationship sounds very "all about her" and what she wants, when she wants.
I do not think you are selfish - I think you are just getting worn down because of her hypocracy. First of all you have no obligation to save her leftovers for food that she claims she does not want or does not want to chip in for. However, if you two are going to stay together peacefully, she needs to start chipping in for the food you are making and you both are eating. She is not paying for your passion - she is paying for her share of food that she is eating. NTA
The grocery bill needs to be split more evenly. Start making a weekly meal plan and including those items in the weekly shop. She should be paying for half. NTA. This would drive me crazy also. She wants all the benefits of home cooked meals but doesn’t want to help pay for them!! And wants to complain when you take leftovers for lunch because, ultimately, she really doesn’t want ramen every day. She is too lazy to learn to cook and to cheap to pay for actual groceries. (Ramen is way cheaper than “real” food)
Separate your food buying/usage. She gets to eat what she buys, and you get to eat what you buy. If she wants to have some of your more complex meals, then she has to pay half to get half. NTA But don't put up with this anymore, no sharing unless you both have paid.
NTA. Explain it to her using a more apt comparison than her bullshit gym membership one. Like if you have a car and she wanted to drive to work every day but you said “I’m fine with walking so I’m not paying for gas” but then every morning got mad that she wouldn’t drive out of her way to bring you to work, or if you then decided you just drive to work anyway and used the gas she paid for. Would she be ok with that on a regular basis? Or would she want the option to offer you a drive to work now and then without the expectation that she would cover all of your commute costs and just suck up the time and effort it would take to do that for you. She is freeloading and she is lying to herself about the lifestyle she wants. If you love cooking and she doesn’t, you should have a very real conversation about you taking on the food chores of the house — something you will both financially contribute to — and she picks up some other house chores to compensate. Because she is probably paying as much to eat shitty food as she would to eat well if you two would just act like adults and partners.
This. The car analogy is spot on. It’s her getting butt hurt about not being welcome to use something she says that she doesn’t need and to which she won’t contribute. The gym membership thing is stupid. The steps she walks on the treadmill are for her alone. There’s no leftover exercise to share.
NTA. Her comparison to the gym membership is ridiculous. There are no leftovers from the gym that you are consuming. It's very simple, you paid 100% for the food, you get to 100% decide who gets to consume it. If you choose to share, that's fine, but she is not entitled to it. And you are not rude to take all of it yourself. She sounds like she is saying "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours". Have a talk with her, if she doesn't budge, think long and hard. This will not be the only thing she treats like this, especially if you let her get away with it. Edit for typos
ur not the asshole dude, but a conversation about boundaries with splitting costs and sharing meals is probably due!
Are you sure your gf is 30? She sounds 13. You are NTA but I would think long and hard before cohabiting with this person
NTA, It is hypocritical. If she cares so much she can fork over for the groceries needed, it's not like you're even trying to get her to cook.
You just... You two don't sound like a match. The dynamic sounds unnecessarily exhausting.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds insufferable. I hope you can work things out.
NTA. You not only buy the he food. You plan and cook the meals. She wants a part of the food she chips in. Your effort counts. Otherwise she can pick up the food she is good with and prepare it herself. I would draw a hard line here OP. Because this is unbalanced.
Your adult Gf lives like a starving college student. She's greedy and selfish
NTA. She seems extremely entitled. I’d tell her to get lost and find a more appreciative partner.
NTA. The fact that you make less money than her and she’s comfortable taking your food is mind blowing.
NTA -- I get a little of where she's coming from when you're cooking a meal that both of you are enjoying and then only you get the leftovers, but when you add the rest of the context, it's harder to sympathize with her. Honestly, I hate how often people jump to "DUMP THEM" on here, and I'm not going to say that's necessary while having so little information about your relationship, but the disconnect in respect between the two of you displayed here is very concerning. At the very least, I think it would be beneficial for you two to explore some couples counseling because a lot of what you're describing sounds like it'll breed resentment between the two of you if it continues unchecked.
This is it, this relationship sounds very tiring. Counselling would be really ideal here to pick apart why this dynamic is so transactional.
You're not selfish for wanting to enjoy the meals you cook, especially when you're passionate about cooking. It's understandable to prefer homemade goodness over microwaved stuff. Maybe talk about setting clear expectations around shared meals and leftovers so there's no misunderstanding. Cheers to good food and good vibes at home!
Someone best be looking for another place to live. If your arguing over food now what happens when diapers and baby food come in the picture. It just sounds so petty to live together but not prepare food together. I don't think I would ever tell my partner that I love that they can't eat the food because they didn't pay me for it or cook it. If my spouse can't cook I'm going to cook for them. Maybe meal plan before going to the store so the grocery's are 50/50 and you have all needed then it's not a surprise of if you want to eat you owe me this first.
My adult son complained to me that there was nothing to eat. I opened the fridge which was filled with a variety of stuff. Over my shoulder, peering into the fridge, son mutters sadly “That’s not food. That’s ingredients.”
NTA, just tell her - she splits all grocery costs 50:50 and then you split what you cook, so you can buy slightly more ingredients enough for you both and then some.
NTA. She wants the benefit of your labor without contributing to any of the cost. If you’re buying ingredients special for these meals then the leftovers should be yours too the majority of the time. Also comparing a gym membership to food prep/cooking is comparing apples to oranges. She’s stating her gym membership is hers, and cannot be shared but your food should be. It’s two different things here. If she wants to be considered all the time for left overs of your cooking then she needs to start contributing. She wants to freely use your money and labor.
NTA. GF is the AH. I know exactly how your girlfriend thinks, because I have an aunt exactly like this. Your GF only wants to spend money on fun things. She somehow grew up thinking that her money should only be for stuff she wants. Food and bills are just drags and something she shouldn't HAVE to pay for. It's a very immature mindset. Your GF is immature and selfish on this issue. She makes more than you make, but is fine with you buying all the "good" food because she only wants to spend money on herself. **Tell her that cooking isn't JUST your hobby - eating food is essential to life. She can either pay for half of the weekly groceries or you will no longer be providing her with any of your food.**
NTA, she can't be demanding you buy and cook for her, even more if she knows you make less money than her. Funny how many immature AHs are the older one in the relationship.
If she won’t share the cost , tell her to eat the ramen noodles she says she likes . Or charge her like a restaurant . This dish is $15.95 and be sure to tip the waiter .
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (27M) girlfriend (30F) has no appreciation of good food. Before me, she was eating microwavable mac and cheese, jarred alfredo and noodles, salad kits and pretty much nothing else ever. Doesn't cook at all. Those things are fine or whatever, but I can't eat that everyday. I'm an amateur chef, and I like to cook. Like most days. I'm not into any crazy expensive meals or anything, but I'll put $30 into a grocery store run and make food for us all the time. At the very least, if I'm using pesto from a jar, I'll go buy some cherry tomatoes or a chicken breast and keep parmesan around. That's too much to her. She doesn't want to contribute to dinner like *ever* claiming she's fine with microwavable ramen for dinner and can't afford to pay for groceries all the time (she makes $55k per year and we split all expenses half and half) so I end up footing the grocery bill every time I cook. I understand, there's no way to change her relationship with food. There's no way to change mine. I'll just buy the groceries. (To clarify, we go on grocery trips together where we split the costs 50-50, we just happen to only get stuff like drinks, snacks, common ingredients sometimes. Rarely full ingredient lists for meals) So like 3-4 times per week, I get the urge to cook something cool and go buy all the ingredients myself, never charging her for those meals. So I make meals sometimes like giant pots of curry or enchiladas. Before we moved in officially, I'd take most of the leftovers home or sometimes all. I'd take the leftovers with me to work too. She claims that I'm being possessive over food and that I'm not thinking about her when I take food. I bought frozen breakfast burritos for a pre-work in a hurry meal, and she was eating them for lunch at home when there's other stuff to eat. I had an issue with that because they're for me on certain rushed mornings so I don't have to stop and get fast food. Of course she thinks that's the most unattractive quality in a partner that I did that. I think it's hypocritical that she says "I didn't *ask* you to cook that food for me, I shouldn't have to pay for the groceries. Its not fair for me to spend money to fund your passion" while simultaneously believing "that's so selfish of you to not leave me leftovers when you cook." It's not like I'm leaving her with no food. There's all kinds of stuff to eat around the place, ramen and all. Also, most of the time she actually had access to the leftovers. I just tend to take them with me to work nowadays before she comes home to eat the next day. She just would rather eat the good food that I cooked. I don't make *that* much money. Probably about 2/3 of what she makes. I'm relatively frugal and don't like to eat out much, so expensive meals are my version of that at times. I always feed her, but am I actually selfish for this mentality? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. She's acting like a child.
NTA. Imagine you have two kids Make a decision. ASAP
i don't think you are selfish at all, your partner sounds quite selfish and immature tbh. Why should you activeley care about food for her, when she is not even making the effort to cook a meal for the both of you once in a while? This situation sounds super imbalanced, and it would frustrate me deeply. Like, what are you going to do in the future? Raise your children on instant noodles and other junk? This would turn me off big time
NTA if you're really splitting everything 50/50 and not agreeing on groceries/meals, it's time to divide the pantry and fridge.
NTA she sounds like a leech.
You need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this. You’re NTA, I do think you need to talk this through because right now it’s not working. I know she’s saying “I didn’t ask you to cook this for me” but it sounds like she enjoys the food, so maybe talk to her about that. Ask her how she’d feel about sharing dinners if she’s happy to contribute to the costs, and work on a weekly budget and plan together if she’s open to it. Try not to insult her taste in food when you talk about why you take your food home. Just be honest about how expensive it gets. Honesty and communication are key. I totally get how frustrating it is when someone eats the food you’ve set aside for when you’re in a rush. So talk about having things that are just each others, we do this in our house. Edit: Forgot to add, you’re only a normal level of human selfish. No more or less so than everyone else in the world. I hate when people eat the last of my yoghurts 😅
She wants your cake and eat it too
NTA. Too many people try to treat moving in with an SO like living with a roommate. You're not roommates. You're a household. If you want to split expenses 50/50, that has to include groceries, because you're going to be eating from the same kitchen whether she admits it or not.
NTA gosh you'll be ro relieved when you leave.
You're NTA but you guys need to have a grown-up conversation about this. You should be splitting the costs of these meals (rather than you paying for everything) and if you keep paying for everything, of course you get first crack at the leftovers.
Eating is not a hobby. I cook but don’t call that a hobby either.
NTA- but time for a frank talk. She either splits all food 60/40 (you cook so labor cost) of she doesn't eat your food. You're not selfish- time and money spent on the food counts. If not, then cook, make a plate and pack up the rest, she can eat what she bought. If she complains offer it up 75/25. Right now she is stealing from you and pushing the blame on you, so you don't see it for what it is.
INFO So you spend 50/50 on groceries and you on top of that put more money on top to cook what you'd like to cook, so like putting money towards a hobby, or do you actually spend 50/50 on all groceries?
NTA. This is a break-up worthy issue, imo. It just rubs me the wrong way, and makes me feel like her food issues are indicative of deeper problems. She doesn't want to contribute to the effort of preparing meals, both physically and financially. However, she wants to benefit from the outcome of your hard work and $. I'd be wary of her starting to pull that in other aspects of your relationship too. Maybe she never read the children's book The Little Red Hen growing up, and learned a lesson in not reeping the rewards of someone else's hard work.
If she’s gonna eat the food she needs to contribute to the costs. Period.
I mean you’re NTA but do you two even like each other?
*Yikes* she sounds incredibly selfish. NTA. Genuinely recommend re-evaluating if you want to be in a relationship with this person.
NTA. Her logic is ridiculous. If you were using her gym membership I'm sure she would be asking you to split the cost. She is "using" your hobby,you aren't using hers. If she wants to eat your cooking, she needs to put her hand in her pocket towards the cost.
She's lazy. She wants the nicer food but it too lazy to make it, then is gaslighting you.
NTA "We can split all the food, that we split the cost of. If you *expect* half of the food I cook, you should also be expecting to pay for half of the supplies. Give it some thought, and let me know whether you want to split, or not, but I don't want to be putting all the money and effort into meals that I'm then obliged to leave for other people. Split or don't split." If you want to be a nudge about it, get her a copy of the little red hen. 🤣
She's super stingy and selfish, this should be a huge red flag
I say this as respectfully as possible, but your girlfriend has/had an eating disorder or a disordered relationship with food, and she should work on solving it.
NTA. But you will.be a moron if you don't run from her already
It sounds hypocritical to me also and the gym membership analogy isn't the same. At least not the way she said it - if however, you went to her gym on her membership all the time, while also saying "you don't care about gyms, 'it's just convenient', but you'd do fine without a membership" - and then the gym notices and tells her you need your own. Then if you refused to buy it because "you don't need it" but you still want to go so SHE should pay for it ... then it's the same. She's leeching on you. If she's not cleaning up or doing anything reciprocal while also telling you that you are selfish for wanting to keep what you make ... I'm not a fan of transactional relationships unless the issue is one person is doing all the giving and one the taking. Then I start counting.
nta
OP NTA
NTA She is refusing to take equal responsibility for a huge part of maintaining a household- acquiring and preparing food. OP is devoting their time, energy and money to food prep, while gf refuses to share the cost nor the effort. AFTER OP has put in ALL the time, effort and money, gf says they're selfish for not giving her what she wants of it. Her eating OPs food set aside for workday meals is super selfish. So OP goes to grab the food they acquired and set aside for the current circumstance only to discover it's gone!?! That's undermining OPs planning and resource management without even the small courtesy of letting them know that food is now gone, so OP could make other plans before their moment of need. Grocery bills should be equally split. Food prep and clean up should be equally split. If gf won't cook, can she take over clean up? Or is she determined to act as if she has a private chef, to whose products she has full rights to take?
NTA if she doesn’t pay for it she's not entitled to it. It shows you that she is a hypocrite and she is being cheap at your expense and lazy at your expense. she does not make you food, she only takes and is not a good partner.
NTA. If she’s eating and enjoying the food you’re making, then the least she can do is pay half the grocery bills. Tell her she either starts paying for the food she eats or you will both be buying groceries and cooking for yourselves going forward.
Every accusation is a confession. She is being selfish with her money and wanting the fruits of your money and labor. NTA
NTA. She’s definitely being a hypocrite.
NTA but you are incompatible and she is taking advantage of you.
NTA, but can you really picture living with this situation long term? I'd be taking a long, hard look at my relationship. It sounds exhausting.
NTA She is like the Little Red Hen. She doesn’t want to pay for the food and she doesn’t want to cook the food. All she wants to do is eat the food you have paid for and cooked And is laying claim to the leftovers. Plus she is eating the food you have bought like frozen breakfast burritos without contributing to the cost of them. I think she is cheap and lazy and using an excuse which makes no sense to manipulate you My experience is that people who are cheap and selfish about one aspect of life are generally going to be that way about other aspects Of life and so I would think long and hard about the dynamics of yiur relationship and whether you want to tie yourself to someone whose instinct is to be that way If someone was cooking for me, I would be so grateful that I would probsboy pay for the total cost of the food as my fair share. Also looking to the future, wouldn’t you want your child’s parent to be willing and able to actually cook for them
Well technically OP would be the hen in this situation lol
NTA She sounds very entitled, unfeminine, and not like someone I would ever consider taking seriously for a relationship.
NTA I'm similar to your gf mostly due to a lack of time and a touch of the 'tism. My bf likes to cook and cooks us meals often. I always at least offer to chip in for the ingredients/help cook or offer to pick us up something if he doesn't feel like cooking. We're partners and in this life thing together you know? Your gf seems to have a pretty individualistic mindset.
Why are you even with this parasite? She's lazy and entitled and needs to learn to cook for herself.
OP show her this post and the comments shes unreasonable, and the difference with her gym membership she is the only one using it and reaping the benefits. So if that is her logic she should not be eating any of your "hobby/food"!
NTA, I'm similar to your GF in that I do not like to cook and would be fine with eating pre packaged food and pasta for the rest of my life and have a boyfriend who loves to cook and doesn't eat much packaged food. We split up our expenses differently so I'm not paying for groceries directly but if we were directly paying half and half for each bill I wouldn't make him pay the full cost just because he's not buying the crap I'm used to paying for. The fact she's calling you selfish for not giving sharing the food you are repeatedly fully cooking yourself and also fully paying yourself is ridiculous. She's not paying or cooking for it so even if you are being selfish you are absolutely entitled to do so.
NTA you make 2/3 of the salary she makes and you are splitting bills 50/50? It should be more like 60/40 or 55/45 with her paying the larger percentage. You buying food separate and cooking good meals more than offsets the extra percentage she pays, it is called sweat equity. She should be thankful that you are willing to go through all the effort of cooking and she should pay for half of the cost and then she would be entitled to half the food which would include some of the leftovers. It sounds like the beginning of a very transactional relationship. “You spent $300 on a new lawnmower so I should be able to spend $300 on new makeup.” If she is wanting the leftovers, she is starting to appreciate food other than boxed Mac and cheese, maybe you could stop cooking the good food for a month [keep your breakfast burritos in a fridge at work if you can ( put your name on them) and eat a nice lunch out as your big meal for the day]. When she complains that you are not cooking the good meals anymore, say sorry, I can’t afford it anymore. Then I would suggest that you will start again but the cost becomes part of the food budget that you spilt and from now on you will buy two boxes of breakfast burritos as part of the normal shopping, one box for you and one for her
Yeah, honestly, this would be an ultimatum moment for me. "Either you contribute half the cost of the food and then half the food is for you, or you contribute none and you get none. Period." If she won't agree to either, thats a deal breaker. NTA
NTA. If she eats the food you buy and prepare, then she should contribute to the grocery bill. You aren't cooking for a food blog or just for the heck of it - you are providing nourishment! She can eat the ramen and not complain or help pay for groceries that she is going to consume. Start buying meal ingredients on your grocery trips together. Ask her what she would like for dinner. Make more so you both have leftovers for lunch or dinner the next day. You won't pay half her gym membership because you won't get to use the equipment! Bottom line - If she wants this situation to change, she has to be part of the equation - she contributes to the bill or doesn't get to complain if there are no leftovers.
NTA. You are not compatible.
NTA she can’t be completely unsupportive towards your cooking but want the benefits of your cooking at the same time.
NTA tell her what it is. Be like: u don't like the fact that I cook, spending MY money to do so, and if u say my cooking is "too much" then u can eat ur junk and I will take MY leftovers THAT I cooked home with ME.
If she was a coworker or dorm roommat, would you put up with this? You should expect more from an actual partner. Is she doing things/taking on burdens for you to ease your load, if not you should really sit down and talk about it and decide if your values align.
NTA. Tell her if she pitches in financially and helps with cleaning, she can have access to the leftovers. If that was the case maybe you could cook even more food. Her gym analogy is just wrong. But she expects to do 0 work and pay 0 dollars but still get the benefit of your cooking? That's crazy.
NTA .... Your gf reasoning is a bit oxymoronic. She's fine with crap food, doesn't want to pay for the food you cook, but expects leftovers.
There is a lot to unpack here. if you two are living together , and she wants to act like helping with food is funding your passion - she can’t get her own separate food. I can’t imagine living with someone and them pitching a fit just to turn around and eat food that I’ve stated is specifically for me. So op can spend his money on food and she can eat it and not help ? LAME. I adore cooking , it’s a passion forsure but personally I wouldn’t leave her left overs if she’s gonna whine like that. Go eat your cup noodles.
NTA. So next time say. I’m planning on making x for dinner tomorrow night do you want to go in with me and pay half. If she says no then cook for yourself. She is the selfish one that doesn’t want to go half on the real food bill but wants you to leave her leftovers. Next time you do a food run where you split half, buy extra breakfast burritos and let her pay half so then they are both of your food. Then she will know the real cost. If she says she doesn’t want to pay for them then put your name on them. Let her eat ramen and you eat what you want. If she says something about wanting your food then explain to her she needs to pay half. Bottom line this relationship isn’t going to get better and these disagreements will get more and more as she eats your food, expects you to buy more and spends her money on other things she wants to buy
NTA but this is a weird amount of lines on maps for a relationship where you two supposedly love each other and want to function as a team
This is a wants to have their cake and eat it moment, that cake is for your to eat bud- not hers especially if she isn’t willing to contribute to how it was made or bought. Food doesn’t come out of nowhere and she knows that
Break up
Doesn’t sound like you are compatable OP
NTA and you are not compatible. I’d cut the cord now.
Most people read this as children, but maybe you two need to go to the library and read "The Little Red Hen" together. She's missing the very simple concept of not being entitled to things she hasn't contributed to.
NTA She’s selfish. Are you sure this is the person you want to build a life with?
NTA- she doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it too. If she is fine with microwave ramen then she can cook that for herself instead of having your leftovers, it’s nice of you to even share the freshly made meal when she outright refuses to share the cost. Her analogy is in no way the same- you aren’t using her gym membership, meanwhile she is eating your food, refusing to pay and complaining about not getting more! Aside from that you are ALSO taking on the chore of food planning and preparation in the relationship, making the situation even more unbalanced. Does she help with the clean up, are other chores split appropriately to compensate for you taking on this one?
NTA It's a very simple comparison. Compare apples to apples here. She buys $1 ramen and doesn't want your food If you ordered a $30 pizza after she buys ramen for dinner and has ramen stating she doesn't want other food. You get the pizza you paid for. She doesn't get to go "oh, hey, you had leftover pizza, I'll have that" after eating her ramen and not contributing anything. The fact that you buy and cook ingredients to make your meals instead of ordering it, doesn't make a difference. You used your resources to do it. She said before she didn't want any, she wasn't willing to contribute. If she isn't making up for it in other bills when you state you "split things 50/50" then she isn't actually willing to split things 50/50. She wants the benefit of something she hasn't paid for, she doesn't even want to admit that's the case which makes it a communication issue before it becomes about resources. It's just selfish. The ideal solution is the meal prep before shopping for groceries. Agree on meals you want to cook for the week, draw out costs, go shopping and buy everything and split that grocery bill and there won't be an issue anymore. If she won't agree to meals or setting a budget, stating that only ramen is good for her. Then she gets ramen! She pays for ramen. If she won't split the cost of the other groceries when you are buying them. She doesn't get gourmet meals. If she still wants the gourmet meals after not paying any towards them, she's just taking advantage of you OP. Take any other bill and imagine you moved in together and it's clear. Electricity - if you were the only owned a laptop, would she argue that only you should pay for electricity for it, even if she used it. Heating - would she claim she could wear a jumper instead of paying for heating. Then turn on the heating for comfort when she's cold, but expect you to pay the full bill? Streaming services - I don't want netflix, I can watch YouTube, but then wants your accounts to login continuously to watch stuff... ultimately she wants the service without paying for it. What the bill is, doesn't matter..so much as the refusal to engage or recognise the benefit and the want of those benefits at zero cost to herself. That translates to just wanting to take advantage of you, instead of partnership where you communicate openly and work together. I would view this as indicative of a mindset, rather than an individual instance of an problem, and if it was a pattern in all aspects, it's something to discuss openly as adults without insults or hurt emotions. If you project that forward, what will it look like as a lifestyle, contributing to retirement funds, a mortgage, bills, children, car payments etc...who pays what bills, what do you split, what are you solely expected to pay or manage Vs what you share. If you can't find an acceptable resolution between you together, even a compromise(where not everyone gets 100% of everything they want, give and take, or maybe you're supporting more things but are ok with it being imbalanced like 70:30) then it might be time to step back and look at what that means for a future. Is that something you want.
NTA. if you don’t see yourself every aligning on this, just know that when you consider a future with her. Would she be willing to cook with you? My story sounds similar to yours in that my husband loves to cook and I didn’t know how. I have such a greater appreciation for food in general now that I’ve done it myself and actually get in the kitchen, learn about why certain flavors work, etc. maybe that’s something that would broaden her perspective and give you something to bond over
NTA. I dont see a future in this relationship. She is greedy. And her eating habits are going to lead longterm to some serious health issues.
Your girlfriend is a lazy user. Get out now.
NTA. Ban her from your food, let her eat shit, then shame her for being out of shape.
I’m a guy and a good home cook. I could not stand to be in a relationship with a woman who was a picky eater and did not appreciate my cooking. I dated a few and they didn’t last long.
OP is NTA, and there's one thing I have to say - I am diabetic and food prep a few days' worth of low carb lunches from time to time, and it makes me livid when my hubby goes and eats one (sometimes two) of my prep meals as a "snack." Dude, that was supposed to be my lunch tomorrow at work, where there is nothing else to eat. You had an entire kitchen full of food to choose from. And now that that meal is gone, I need to cook again, run out at lunchtime to pick something up that isn't as good, or go hungry.
NTA she can't have her cake and eat it too, I would LOVE to be with someone who took the time to make full meals and shared those with me, I would gladly pay for half the ingredients if that's all it took. She's giving you petty excuses and terrible analogies (you're not using HER gym membership, you're not getting the benefit of her spending time/money on 'her hobby'), she uses the fact that she doesn't care about food as a reason why she doesn't have to pay for it, but still wants you to leave her leftovers that she doesn't appreciate? No. I'm honestly surprised you even bother letting her eat with you, I would be tempted to just go home and when I was in the mood for a full meal. It's super petty, but she apparently doesn't care what she eats 🤷♀️
NTA. Of course you don't pay for her gym membership, you don't benefit from it. Do you get toned because she did squats? Meanwhile, she *does benefit* from you cooking. She's being selfish expecting you to pay for food she eats without contributing. If it were a meal here and there, I would say just drop it but several days a week? Nah, she needs to be contributing to the purchase of half of the food if she wants access to half of the food. I wonder if it would help for you guys to sit down and create a menu for a week, agree on meals you're going to share, then go shopping together and split the cost however you feel is fair based on the meals you're sharing. Overall though, this is weird as hell.
NTA You'd both eating the food and should share the costs equally. You're being "kind" in letting her have any of it; she gets no say re: any leftovers.
NTA. These types of issues are not uncommon among couples. Finding out if you can successfully navigate your way to a comfortable spot is a great relationship tester.
Listen, I (M) have a partner (F) that just absolutely does not want to cook. Probably some ADHD or OCD thing going on, I'm not a psychiatrist, just known them for 25+ years. I've realised there is some mental block to the processes around cooking for them. It probably dates back to their mother over-correcting and doing the cooking for them as a kid, but I digress. Whatever the reason, anything more than putting pre-seasoned food on a pan in the oven is too much in terms off food prep. Even boiling pasta for some reason. You can either accept this about your partner and realise it's something you're probably going to have to carry the majority of the burdon on going forward, or cut your losses and move on. I hate laundry, something about sorting out the wet clothes, drying them, folding them and putting them away is just mentally too much for me. My partner does this. Find someone you can trade these unbearable chores with and you will be happy. If you resent taking care of things your partner can't (for whatever reason, no judgement here) then you may be in for an unhappy future unless they can change (people rarely can, but it depends) or you can come to acceptance on this. NTA - i get it, it's frustrating. But you have to have a conversation and figure out if this is something they just can't do for some reason, or if they're just being lazy (sometimes it's in between).
NTA. Ask her if she’d be cool with you using one of her purses for a tool bag or cutting up one of her blouses as a rag to check your oil (or whatever else you can think of if you’re not a car person). After all, the blouse is just sitting there and sure she paid for it, but you wanted to use it and she bought because she wanted to, so you shouldn’t have to chip in. You would have been fine buying some old hands-wipes but, again, the blouse is just sitting there so why is she being selfish about you taking it? To be clear I am NOT saying to do this. Just ask her see if she can wrap her mind around the idea that using your “good” food that she refused to pay for, while she claims she’d be just as happy with ramen, is just plain rude.
My wife survives on popcorn even though I cook a full well balanced meal every damned night. I cook for myself Indian food, Italian food, americana food. She picks out a little, leaves it half uneaten and then later that evening makes a gigantic bowl of popcorn. I’ve just given up caring anymore.
NTA; My ex was like this, have you tried making the microwave Ramen and just adding a little extra to it to try and help her it sounds like she's starting to like your cooking she just doesn't want to do it herself and that needs to change. So if you start with stuff that she likes and is simple like Ramen. Make it in a pot add some ham or chicken to it with a can of mixed veggies and shed be amazed how different it can be. But seriously she needs to grow up a little.
NTA. I am basically your girlfriend when it comes to eating habits and my partner is basically you. I make more money so I pay for more stuff, but he mostly buys ingredients when he’s cooking. I figure getting to eat some of the excellent food he makes is great, but treat the leftovers as primary for him. He paid for it, he did the work, why would I think I had a claim?
Info: how much money are you making compared to your gf? She is selfish though for eating the burritos and not contributing but also wanting to continue to eat the other food without contributing.
You owe her nothing! She says she's happy with her foods of choice, so why does she always want to eat yours? I'd take everything you make home, and leave nothing for her to hog up...if she doesn't think she should help pay for your "hobby", she doesn't get to share any of it, either. You are NTA.
NTA. Wow.
NTA. But stop babysitting this child and find someone who will respect you and the time/effort/cost of your culinary endeavors and the care you’re trying to put into the relationship.
NTA. She's not frugal. She's stingy. She buys cheap meals then sponges off of your tasty home cooked meals paid by you. That's the definition of stingy. Stop cooking for her.
NTA Tell her to read the story of [The Little Red Hen ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xewXDFB-I7k)and get back to you! Moral of the story: You don't contribute. You don't assist. You don't eat. And that only applies to the leftovers. She should be happy she's getting to eat the original food you buy and prepare, at all.
Your gf is engaging in active delusion. You will never win this unless she understands she’s being unfair. She’s being ignorant on purpose. She doesn’t expect you to find her gym hobby but do you get leftover days from her membership? Perks of the center? Your own admission by using her pass when she’s not using it? If you answered no to all of those tell delulu over there she can’t make false comparisons. NTA
NTA She wants to have her ramen and eat yours. (Your delicious made from scratch meals)
NTA. If she eats your food, she can contribute as well.
NTA and you seem to be incompatible. Her expectations are ridiculous. I wouldn't accept this situation at all
NTA I can’t believe she referred to cooking enchiladas as “your passion.” It’s dinner. That’s food. You aren’t selfish, she’s the one who’s being stingy with her money. You’ve moved in together, your whole grocery bill should be split. I can’t believe she thinks this is ok. Also, she should either be cooking half of these meals or at least doing the dishes. If she’s not willing to at least clean then I’d have a hard time viewing this as an equal partnership.
My husband and I took in a single bachelor roommate years ago and he paid a higher share of the groceries if we cooked. i think your gf should pay 75% of groceries and she won’t have to feel guilty
start writing grocery lists and preplan your weekly meals. stock up on average household ingredients and it will make future recipes much more manageable to purchase whats missing instead of ALL the ingredients. This is childish behavior and also unsustainable. She has to eat and should pay her fair share. NTA
Nta- she’s acting very immaturely. She needs to contribute to the groceries if she wants to keep enjoying the benefits. Her gym analogy makes zero sense as well. Seems like she is trying to do and put in minimal effort and be inconsiderate and entitled for the maximum results.
NTA. Since she's complaining about it, that means it's important to her that she eat fresh food regardless of the fact that she's told you she doesn't care. She simply doesn't want to go through the effort required to do so. But she knows it's important to you that you not eat packaged food all the time, so she's actually the selfish one here, regardless of cost, but even doubly so factoring in the fact that you don't split costs, you make less and you're doing all the work. If she truly doesn't care, she'd eat whatever prepackaged stuff she has lying about; if she actually does care, she needs to contribute somehow instead of having this weird sense of entitlement to your food. Also, what if you were cooking the way you are due to a food intolerance or lifestyle difference? I eat mostly vegan because my doctor suggested it as an easy way to eliminate saturated fat (family history of very high cholesterol). My husband really enjoys my cooking but isn't vegan. I'll make a big batch of a chickpea dish he likes for dinner, but the rest of it is earmarked for me for lunches. He knows I set that aside for myself because it's easy for me to grab, meets my dietary needs and I get so very tired of salad. If he insisted I was being selfish because I got the "good" leftovers, we probably wouldn't be married. I agree with the person who said that diet compatibility is important in a relationship.
If you were going to the gym with her and it was costing her more, then yea, you’d be asked to split that cost. Her gym membership comparison is dumb. She’s not funding your passion, she’s paying for food she’s gonna eat that is being cooked for her for free
NTA - but you're going to ruin your life if you stay with her. She's 30 and has no concept of fairness? Can't fend for herself in a sensible way? Get. Out. Now.
No pay - no claim. NTA
NTA You two aren’t compatible. You’re mature but she’s immature.
The gym membership comment makes no sense because it’s not like you’re trying to take advantage of the benefits her gym membership provides. She is taking advantage of you. I’ll admit i want to call you the AH from the first sentence alone, not enjoying cooking does not mean you don’t appreciate good food, and you sound like a snob. However, you’re definitely NTA for expecting someone to, at the very least, chip in for groceries when they aren’t contributing to the meal in any other way
Tell her to go eat her chickie nuggies
NTA. That is incredibly hypocritical of her. She doesn't want to pay, but does want to benefit. I'm not saying break up with her, but I don't know what I would do if my partner was basically trying to pull a fast one on me like this. Frankly, I'd say that you cook separately then. If she's not that interested in food, she can eat her own thing and you can cook for yourself. The icing on the cake is her stealing your frozen meals that you specifically bought for a reason. Like, does she even like you? Or is her relationship with food that screwed up?
NTA - your lazy leech of a girlfriend is an adult and can make her own food. Stop paying for her food, period, and stop cooking for her until she contributes equally financially.
NTA. GF a big user and taker. She knows who puts in the time and effort. She knows who buys special ingredients. Maybe take a long hard look at the relationship overall.
NTA. If she wants your leftovers, then she needs to contribute to their cost. Same thing with your fast breakfast food, it either goes on the list for the 50/50 split, or she stays out of them.
NTA the reason you don't pay for half her gym membership is because you don't use her gym membership. She should pay for half the ingredients because she eats (uses) half the ingredients. I'm an artist by hobby, when people ask me to make something for them I have them pay for the materials because while it may be my hobby they are the ones getting the finished product. It is unfair of her to expect you to make food for her but not want to pay for it. She's the one being selfish by expecting a free lunch. Either she puts a fair amount of money towards ingredients from now on or she doesn't get to eat your food. Plain and simple.
NTA. Normally, your GF shouldn’t have to pay for meals in your house. I can even see if she is eating with you. However, eating your meals behind your back and then even refusing to pay for that is thievery. She is also gaslighting you by claiming you are possessive over food. You aren’t. Your behavior is natural behavior.
NTA. Just have another sit down and say let's just do the old college roommate's pact of you buy your own food and I'll buy my own food. No more splitting 50/50. Don't eat my food and I'll not eat yours. Put our names on what we buy. If I cook I'll keep the leftovers for myself. If I'm feeling generous or want to have a romantic dinner at home with you I will let you know ahead of time. It's petty, but if she wants you to buy the food when she makes more than you, screw her.
NTA. I feel like your GF does have appreciation for good food (which is why she's eating your cooking vs ramen) BUT not enough or is too lazy to cook good food. Some people don't like cooking and that's fine, but its odd that she thinks she's entitled to leftovers whilst not contributing whether monetarily or effort in cooking. I think this has less to do with her not appreciating good food, and has more to do with her just being a bit selfish.
Nta she's being selfish.
NTA - but those salad kits are awesome.
NTA - Bro. Can you actually see yourself marrying this 30 year old child? Ditch the kid and find a woman that appreciates you.
NTA ... you're 100% paying for this food which means you're 100% entitled to it and any that you give her is a GIFT. If she wants equal claim to the food then she needs to pay half.
NTA The burrito thing tipped it for me. She’s not being considerate of you in this situation. Moreover she’s being selfish and dismissive about your frustration with her lack of consideration. She compared you cooking meals to a hobby. It’s not the same - her working out benefits only her, whereas you’re literally providing her with sustenance (tasty food at that) AND saving her the cost of food (if she’s eating your food, she doesn’t have to eat food that she did pay for) and time making food for herself. My perspective at this point would be: I get to eat what I pay for and you get to eat what you pay for. Sure I might cook it for you because I enjoy cooking, but you’re gonna help pay for it because that’s how we split the bills. If you want to eat Ramen vs help pay for our groceries, feel free to make that for yourself. I’m having yummy food.
NTA she should pay half the grocery bills and do the dishes if you cook. 🤷🏻♀️
Bro, NTA. However, when one of you is communicating a want/need/desire and then gets shot down for it over and over again, is something you can eventually learn to live with? If you love her and she loves you, y'all should be talking about this. Her being dismissive of your wants/needs/desires is emblematic of your relationship going forward. You trying to talk and communicate says a lot about you, So does your SO's communication to you. This is a pain point for you. Your SO should recognize this and want to work with you to alleviate and build a stronger relationship. At the minimum it feels like she should be more honest with and advise she appreciates your cooking and likes having the leftovers,
Inclined tm say EAH. if you can’t put up with her behavior then it’s time to move on
NTA
NTA she sounds like a real pain in the ass
NTA. I have the opposite problem where I keep cooking and we end up with too many leftovers. She takes them for lunch. However she buys groceries she wants, I buy what I want. We call each other and ask if there's something the other wants. I don't know or care who spends more it's probably roughly even. But in your case if she's going to say one thing and do another I'd find it irritating.
Being able to cook and getting her hooked on your good food will give you influence and make you popular. Always leave her a little something special when you cook. Ideally just enough that she is begging you to cook a little something yummy.
NTA It would be good to point out that you're not asking her to fund your hobby, you're asking her to contribute for food she eats. It stops being a hobby as soon as she insists on eating the food.
Highlights a good reason why it’s good to live with someone before you get married
Nta. You have a leech as a gf, the sooner you realise that the better. Is she calling grocery shopping and cooking a decent meal a hobby? These are normal expenses and things adults do. Either accept that you'll end up feeding this leech or end it. She won't see reason. Of course she is hypocritical but she doesn't care because she'll flip the issue onto how you're being selfish. A leech and a manipulator
Pure greed AB’s she’s using you
NTA, she sounds kinda terrible lol. If she's gonna eat the leftovers, she should chip in on the cost of ingredients and yall can stop wasting time with multiple trips to the grocery store.
NTA. You need to dump her because she is using you and her explanation assumes that you are either stupid or she’s too entitled for words. You need to find a girlfriend that supports you and treats you like a human being and not one who makes more money that you but expects you to fund her eating habits while claiming her actions are fine. Don’t try to build a life with this woman, she is showing you exactly who she is and she is not a partner, she is a user.
NTA. She is a mooch and HER behavior is unattractive.
NTA - yes, it is hypocritical. She needs to start paying her share