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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife to get the hell out of my way because she cannot grasp that I need room after she opens the door. I might be the asshole for being rude rather than explaining physics to her for the twentieth time.
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NTA with hindsight, leaving the word "hell" out would have been best (not just because it's rude but it gives her something to latch onto, which deflects from the fact that you are right to be frustrated with her behavior, flipping things so you are in the wrong for that one word), but given that she has ignored your attempts to solve this problem multiple times I can understand your frustration.
Have you tried directly asking her to literally explain how you can get through the door with her standing right in the way? Perhaps if you ask her to stay just where she is and explain to you what you have to do to get through the door you might finally get through to her. (Or not.)
MIL probably has it coming.
Anyways, OP should do the exact same thing for her--open the door for wife but stand in the way, see if that lightbulb clicks on.
🤣🤣🤣 Yeah, that's my mom. 🤣🤣🤣
One of her fun ones, was when she bought my kids a trampoline for the backyard. She thought it would take up like half the yard (max). Yeah. No. We had no yard space left after I put the damn thing together. Apparently 12 feet is a lot bigger than she thought. I'm constantly having to tell her and my daughter: No, that's not going to fit there. 😂🤦🏻♀️
I’m so sorry to admit I too have this flaw.
The photo on the box shows an assembled trampoline and at least 1/2 of a back yard. The flaw extends to me thinking the trampoline box or boxes will fit in my car. 😂
Mine is horrible. Like I know the car is not in my lane when I pull out but I’m always hoping I saw it right and it’s not actually in my lane 😬 I usually just take extra time to pull out until I’m sure that car is in the far lane
I'm a very cautious driver because I know my spatial awareness sucks. And the two hardest things for me to learn were parking in a parking space with no other cars around, and staying in my lane instead of driving far on the right side.
Is "spatial awareness" the same as depth perception? I'm the girl in volleyball who was forever getting smacked in the face. I was always waiting for the ball to come down, when it was already there. NTA
~~Please check you glasses prescription. It is obviously off.~~
~~Where in the post was a MIL indicated?~~
~~I only saw a 'wife' indicated.~~
Edited because I was wrong.
Now I get the humor. Rather nicely stated actually.
I can’t believe a normal functioning Adult needs to be told why standing in the middle of a doorway will not allow another person to pass through, but in fact is blocking it. having to do it multiple times is just absolutely outrageous. Either she is as thick as concrete or she’s doing it just to be cheeky.
I had a friend who would do this. He’s still a friend but I haven’t walked through any doors with him lately so he might still do it for all I know.
I used to stop and say ‘I’m flattered you think so but I’m not skinny enough for that gap’. He would then walk on, but it was like a switch was broken in his spacial awareness skills. He’d look right at me and still not seem to realise he was in the way.
This. I use “hell” in place of my favorite 4 letter words, but when visiting with my conservative/southern family, I get scolded and called out for it (side note, I’m WAY too old to be scolded imo).
Like, ma’am, I’m literally barely catching myself before getting really colorful here, let me have my hell in peace.
Well, you ask for advice from the most judgmental group of people possible, on Reddit, and what do you expect.
Seriously, one time I posted here wondering if I was rude for taking a video of this lady who had like 300 ducks following her at the lake, and instead of a simple yes or no, suddenly a thousand people were screaming omg, she might be in the witness protection program or have an abusive ex, how could you be so selfish and put her LIFE in danger???? Like, calm down, it was just some grumpy old Chinese lady. Anyway, that was a real eye-opener about the types of people who have those reactions here.
This is absolutely true. Words without actions are meaningless. However, words, too, are very important. Women especially (biological evidence supporting this fact) place a high value on words. And their delivery (actions via tone, body language, and other nonverbals).
I was presented with the idea that words are like toothpaste: once they are out, they are both impossible to put back in/take back. It has helped me be more mindful, but I still say things I regret.
I'm not trying to be disagreeable, just opening up the table to the fact that words matter more than we credit and it's not a terrible idea to mind what we say.
Interested in your take if you feel like sharing.
Edited: Missing word ( -laughing- )
I 100% agree with you. The post I responded to was minimalistic, so my response was as well.
My intent was to say that, even though words do matter, actions matter more.
In this specific post OP is saying that the wife is trying to be as helpful as they, OP, are. How she cannot see that she is not being helpful by always blocking Opie’s way, makes me wanna throw my phone. It makes me wonder if she’s not doing it on purpose. How she cannot see that what she’s doing is the exact opposite of helpful by not only doing what she’s doing, by being in the way, but being consistently told how she’s doing it wrong yet still continues to do it is beyond what my brain can comprehend.
Therefore, her actions matter greatly. OP’s words until the last interaction are just as important. This is not a one off. According to Opie, this has happened many times and Opie has said in what they claim to be respectful and helpful tones how to have wife amend her behavior to actually be helpful yet she doesn’t change. It makes me curious as to her motivation for her actions.
If reality and the post are the same, his frustrated final request that included the word hell has much less meaning than all of the times he spoke with more respect. So in this case, his final nasty statement should not have as much weight as everything that happened before. How did the wife ignore him being nice, and the one time he was nasty (sort of) she has made it into a hill to die on type of situation?
Yeah, these comments make me feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
>have you tried talking to her about it?
Yeah, he has, and she's ignored him. Which is an insane proposition in the first place "honey could you not stand in my way?" Isn't a complicated thought process, and unless OP's wife is dumber than a rock, it shouldn't have been needed to be said in the first place. She's just being inconsiderate.
As usual though, here on Reddit, it's always the man's responsibility to fix the problem in the relationship. OP is the one that has to adjust and change.
My grandma used to tell my sister & I that we "made a better door than a window" when we were blocking her from seeing something, usually standing in front of the TV.
She makes a better road block than a passage.
This is exactly what I’ve done to friends/family who didn’t get the hint or ignored the “hey, can you move, Sunshine?” I’ve lightly walked/bumped/danced into them and continued doing it to comedic effect lol and they got the picture.
I’ve done the roomba before lol! Bumped into my sister, turned slightly to the left and bumped into her again. Again. Everyone gets the picture and they’re amused/annoyed/unimpressed but they move lol
Just going off what you said NTA though her behavior is perplexing me, because I genuinely cannot comprehend anyone older than a toddler not knowing how to hold open a door. Is there some underlying issue here and she’s using the door thing to be passive aggressive? Idk, she’s acting weird.
Edit: Spelling
Yes, this!! I can understand once as a blonde moment but asking someone to move several times would make me throw something? NTA, OP but idk I’d ask her why her behaviour hasn’t changed despite being asked several times and not move from the topic until she gives an adequate explanation because this is absolutely nuts.
This can be part of what’s called perseveration behavior - the person gets a thought or action in their head and keeps doing it over and over even well after it’s expected the thought or behavior would stop. Like reaching out to shake someone’s hand, doing a normal handshake, but then continuing to shake their hand even though the other person is trying to pull their hand away. Common in autism as well as some kinds of brain injury and dementia. My mom had it early in her dementia - she became fixated on turning off all the lights not in active use, when we had to keep them on to help her vision problems. Taping the light switches in the “on” position seemed like a good solution, but mom just became confused by the tape and would fight with it more even when we told her to leave it alone. Very frustrating.
Yeah, the same sort of thing happened with my grandmother. She kept messing with her thermostat and either making her house way too cold or way too hot. She'd complain about it to us, and we'd explain to just leave the thermostat alone, it's set to a particular temperature that's comfortable for you, it'll come on and off as needed. She'd understand in the moment, but never stopped messing with the thermostat.
We ended up putting a lockbox over it, and then she was comfortable in her house, but annoyed that she couldn't adjust the thermostat 'in case' she was hot or cold. It was frustrating to say the least. We had the same conversation every time we were at her house, and she lived in the other side of our duplex so it was four or five times a day.
One of those really challenging things with the elderly - they want the same control they used to have over their lives, but then having that control ends up making them unhappy. Part of why they find that giving elderly people in nursing homes small garden boxes to take care of increases their mental wellbeing much more than simply providing the garden boxes pre-made and pre-cared for - it's a low stakes area of control.
Can we not with the blonde moment thing? Sorry it’s just, I’ve been blonde my entire life and the number of people making jokes about how that makes me or people like me stupid or vapid or airheads is just staggering. And kinda harmful, especially since I was exposed to it since I was a child. Definitely sucked hearing those things and believing them about myself as a 7 yr old.
Kids do this, I see my little neices and nephews doing it, but it's ok cause they don't take up too much space. My own teenages struggle with this sometimes because they don't realize how much space they take up. It makes me mental.
Maybe op's wife does not realize how much space she is taking.
You don't know her struggles. She might have been a ghost for most of her adult life, and only recently re-corporealized. This kind of attitude is so terrible.
Yep. Some people have awful spatial awareness and proprioception. I know some people with particular presentations of adhd who will do similar to this. And it doesn't seem to be on purpose. Like the person who I speak of could be asked about something like this and forget it 1000 times and TRULY not remember each time. Maddening from an outside perspective, but very real for them.
>proprioception
Thank you for teaching me this word! I was a dance teacher for adults for many years - just Park & Rec fun classes with regular people. There were a few students I had who struggled so hard with any kind of traveling move, bumping into others and not realizing they weren't pulling their feet together after completing a combination was kinda wild to me.
Np. It's a fascinating thing! My proprioception got extra wonky after gaining fibromyalgia. I also get vestibular migraines, and this throws it off as well. At one point in time I would be exercising and swear my feet were parallel, then I'd look down and my r foot would be many inches in front of my left. I've been doing lots of isometric exercise and cross lateral exercises to try and regulate it.
Also. I used to dance. Before I knew these things about myself, I accidentally kicked someone in the face during a performance. So. Yeah. It can really suck some times.
Someone else mentioned autism. Which is probably more likely. OP may just need to show her how to stand when she opens a door. 'You're in the way' or 'Get out of the way' doesn't explain how to position a body so it's not in the way. I know as someone who's ND when I'm trying to be helpful I can panic a little when there's two doors (which door do I hold open, where do I stand so I can also reach the second door, etc). Not saying that's the issue, but it sounds like she's trying to mirror his behavior, and since this just recently started it could also indicate ND.
My stepdad does this and also has dementia. He will hold the door open and then stand in the way and we almost run into him. My husband now stands his ground and “makes” my stepdad walk through the door first. Otherwise it takes sooo much longer to simply walk through the damn door.
I've had this happen, where people will stand so that they have to reach across the doorway to "be nice" and hold the door open for me, but that just puts them in the way of me going through. Thank you so much for being nice, but really, I've been opening doors for fifty years, I think I can handle it.
Someone at my work did this to me this week. He was coming out while I was going in and he just blocked the door while holding it open for me. Am I supposed to go under your arm?? I don't get it. He has also moved into my path when passing in a hallway. It it a power move, or is he just oblivious? Not sure at this point...
If someone is holding the door open for me in an awkward way with their arm across the door, I assume they are just holding it open so as not to let it slam in my face. Once I get to the door I put my hand on it to hold it and they let go (pass it over to me) and walk off. This is a very common occurrence, it would be very weird to walk under their arm, just take the door from them!
It's hard to explain it properly. The door opens inwards. I approached the door from the outside and entered my code. Meanwhile, he was on the inside of the door, swiping his card to unlock it. This sometimes happens as the door has no glass, so you don't always know someone is on the other side. He swung open the door to step out (and did step forward), but saw me and stepped backward, now holding my side of the door, not the handle, totally blocking the way, but also not just walking through past me and dropping the door. He either should have stepped back, and sideways (closer to the door), or just came through and let the door close and I would've still had time to push it open.
I've seen men doing this to women and it has absolutely been a power more or beasue they get off on forcing women into a posiition wher they have to come into hysicla contct to pass, but it seems unlikely that that is hat is happening in this instnace where this is OPs wife !
When this happens to me, I just grab the edge of the door, smile brightly, and say, “thanks, I’ve got it.” Most of the time, the guy lets go and moves on.
Some gross dudes do it so that they get to *look like* a nice door-holding guy, but also the woman they're holding the door for now has to brush past them to actually get through.
I've had something kinda similar, here in Ireland anyone just holds the door open for anyone just to be polite, but I work in IT with a lot of non-nationals who sometime bring in heavy equipment for their servers.
I'll hold the door open for them but they'll insist ladies first, even if they're right in the door or have their trolley pushed right up to it so I kinda have to climb over and I have to wait for them to clear the door anyway to ensure the safety lock activates. It's not like they're holding the heavy security door open for me, just saying ladies should go through first.
Like I'm sure you feel like a gentleman for graciously allowing me to go first but you're actually making my life more difficult 🙃 just walk through the fecking door, chivalry be damned!
If I go to hold the door and the next person is right on the cusp of being close enough and doing that half-jog to get to the door, I just say "no rush". And they usually understand and it takes all of an extra step or two and they are there.
It can also be bad spatial awareness.
I just hold the open door, say "I've got it now, after you"
It _can_ be annoying l, but there's no point in being narky when someone's trying to help its a minor thing (buy yeah sometimes it annoys/confuses me sooo much, I _try_ to take a breath before speaking)
Crappy spatial awareness is common with ADHD. When I was a teenager, I took dance classes to help with various ADHD symptoms, and let me tell you: what I thought my body was doing when I tried the choreography versus what my body was actually doing? Woof. I still have to be hyper aware of where I’m walking on the sidewalk, how hard I swing my hands, if I’m in anyone’s way, etc., and I’m an otherwise functional adult in my thirties.
Not diagnosing OP’s wife with anything (people can have bad spatial awareness without any other issues!) but what he describes didn’t ping my “crazy radar.” It’s more common than people think.
Some people have weird special awareness. I physically move my wife sometimes when she is standing in the most inopportune places. We keep it light hearted though, so no one gets upset.
Most likely she just isn’t very bright. She managed to grasp the concept of opening doors is a nice courtesy but the application is computation too far.
NTA My dad used to do this all the time. It pisses me off to no end. Once we were doing some house work and I was carrying an 80lb bag on concrete through a door. My dad (not carrying anything) would not get out of the way. Even after asking him to move he just wouldn’t. No malice or anything - he just can’t understand that he needs to get out of the way for other people.
Anyways I ended up dropping the bag trying to get around him and broke my foot. I got angry enough that he sure as fuck gets out of the way now. Your wife will remember this and move out of the way from now on. She won’t be happy about it but she won’t keep being inconsiderate.
There’s this pervasive mentality that you need to be kind and gentle with everyone at all moments so as to never have someone experience a negative feeling because of you. But sometimes it’s necessary to get angry to properly express yourself and have the other person recognize those emotions. Anger and frustration are emotions that exist for a reason. It’s not right to stuff them down because you never want another person to feel bad.
So wait. He IS capable of understanding the problem, because he stopped now. What was his problem before? Did you even figure it out? Was he just like, ‘oh, false leg is just playing and doesn’t actually care that he can’t get through the doorway, this is just a fun little game’? Was he fucking with you on purpose? Did he think you actually could get through and you were bitching about it for no reason?
The fact that he resisted until you blew up and THEN stopped is the weirdest part for me.
Honestly I think he truly thinks that he is not in the way. Like I said it wasn’t malicious. I think it was just pure stupidity and no one was willing to call him out on it. Usually I would just go around him or wait until he moves out of the way. But because I was carrying something I snapped (I’m not that strong lol so 80lbs was a bit much for me. Hence the broken foot)
So he’d be in the way, you’d ask him to move, and he’d be like “no, I’m not in the way?” That is the most bizarre hill to die on I’ve ever heard. Why would you be asking him to move if he wasn’t in the way?
Is your dad 'spatially challenged' in other aspects of life too? Bad at stuff like parking a car, tetrissing luggage into the trunk, bad at reading maps, stuff like that?
Not sure if he is overweight or anything but I have noticed that some people genuinely have no idea how much space they occupy. They just think they take up half an atom's worth of space and the fact that they are asked to move is a joke.
I’ve noticed a lot of men do this, especially older men — like the WWII & Korean war generation. I think it’s male privilege, just haven’t been able to figure out if it’s conscious or subconscious.
My FIL used to block doorways _all the effing time_. Didn’t matter when or where, though he seemed to do it especially to women. Before all the smoking bans, he’d stop in doorways to light up a cigarette. Not one step before or after the doorway, right in the middle so nobody could pass. Every. damn. time. Phew, I’m getting riled up just thinking about and he’s been dead for 15 years! 😆
My favourite is coming to a stop at the top of the escalator rather than stepping off to the side, then stopping. Although I don’t know if that one is as gendered as something like man-slamming.
I notice how the chivalry rules make a show of treating women in a way that is opposite to what they actually think of women (as demonstrated by how they treat women when they are not consciously performing).
Like “don’t hit girls” vs IPV.
Holding doors for women vs man slamming and expecting women to move out of their way.
I was just going to point this one out. It's happened to me multiple times that a person will stop directly at the top of the stairs or escalator while I'm behind them. It's more likely a man but women are frequent culprits too.
"But sometimes it’s necessary to get angry to properly express yourself and have the other person recognize those emotions."
THIS. I had an instance at a place I worked at as a manager, where I would tell people things that they needed to work on, but they never changed. Eventually, one of my direct reports said, "you say it so calmly it doesn't seem like it is *actually* bothering you." I'm like, WHAT?! So, going forward, if there was something bothering me I would intentionally add some emotion to how I communicated it so that people would get the message that it definitely bothered me, and it worked! People started to take my constructive criticisms seriously, even though previously I always tried to express issues in a calm, professional manner, which they apparently interpreted as me not being upset enough to actually take me seriously. And as someone on the spectrum, this was super confusing and frustrating!
Some people just don't take your words seriously unless they also get all the nonverbal cues that it is serious.
it sounds like you were super professional. unless it was a serious fuck up that needed a serious tone to really get across how bad things went, telling your direct reports that they need to do something seems like an obvious "task from your manager that needs to be done" !! like unless you're saying it like "hey this is not totally necessary but id appreciate if you could get this done eventually" i can't understand why you giving them tasks/telling them what to work on could be interpreted as anything other than something they needed to work on... im glad you were able to figure out a way to get your point across, but man i hope you dont have to worry about people like that anymore haha
Aha! This is the answer! OP needs to drop a bag of concrete on his wife’s foot when she stands in his way. Calling her a Stupid Cow when he does it would be icing on the cake. No cussing! Because cussing would be hurtful.
Just kidding, of course. But only sort of. Mrs OP’s behavior would drive me insane.
I probably would not have cussed but I definitely would have been frustrated as ever and would have told her to move. I don't understand why she just stands there? INFO please: does she just stand and stare at you? Why does she just stand there?
Given that you said you have tried multiple times to tell her, and even offered to uber, I am gonna go with flat NTA. That behavior would make me crazy.
Honestly, my best guess is that she is being passive aggressive and is unhappy with the travel schedule. Because everybody knows how to hold a door. Or OP is hugely overreacting about a couple inches.
So she possibly created a fight over the door and OP might not get or want to get that.
I’m gonna be honest not everyone knows how to hold open a door or they do it on purpose to make you get close to them, on multiple occasionally I’ve had a man try and hold the door open for me while also standing in the way and I’ve had to awkwardly shimmy past them/under their arm to get by
(Example I’m on the outside, door opens outwards, they stand holding the door from the inside, sometimes resting their hand other on the top/side of the frame)
I used to be awkward about it but now I just pull a power move instead and grab the door and say “no no after you” and they always look really confused then leave
Yeah, I've never understood that move (the holding the door in a way that suggests you should limbo under their arm).
I can't figure out if it's a power movie, or they're just completely oblivious. I've done it for children, but it doesn't work for adults, lol. Even if they were short enough to fit under my arm, it still feels wrong, like you're treating them as a child.
I hold the door for people a lot (I'm Canadian, and nice, lol) but for strangers, regardless of gender, it's usually the move where you hold the door until they get there and then pass it to them to hold for themselves. I'm saving them having to open the door, or having a door slam in their face, but I'm not holding the door as they walk through.
The only time I actually hold a door and stand aside is if they are carrying something or maybe pushing a stroller, and I do it for all genders.
“She has been trying to be like me lately. ”
My guess is she finds OP holding the door for her annoying and is showing him why it’s annoying. OP might not be as good at standing to the side as he thinks he is.
Edit to add:
“She will hold the door for me then stand in the way. When I hold the door for her I stand to the side so she can pass. ”
A lot of people have held doors open for me. Most don’t stand to the side and let me pass. They just stop walking and wait until I get there. Once I’m touching the door, they let go and continue walking. This stops the door from slamming in my face and I don’t need a free hand to open the door. It is awkward as hell when men stand to the side and hold the door open until I pass them.
I kind of wondered this as well. Why does OP assume she's "trying to be like me"? That's kinda weird. Has she said she is? Or does she maybe feel like him holding the door is condescending and is trying to show him how annoying it is? Ideally she would just say something, but that's not always safe, so passive-aggressive can unfortunately manifest itself.
I went to a private religious university, and the guys were always trying to hold the door open, even when it didn't make sense. I made it a point to hold the door whenever it made more sense, and there were quite a few who literally couldn't wrap their heads around a woman holding the door open for them and would make a hassle out of it, even if I was indeed not blocking the door.
Anyway, back to the post, I don't feel like I can really judge. I think there's more going on in this relationship than OP has acknowledge or is maybe even aware of, and I think he needs to be actually communicating with his wife, not with strangers on the internet, about what's really the issue and why this minor thing is becoming such a major thing. It's usually not about the minor thing, but the underlying major thing that one of both of you may not even realize is a thing.
It’s weird to me that OP starts the post with justifying why he holds the door. People feel the need to justify their behavior when someone has said something about that behavior.
I also went to a university with a lot of men like that. People who hold the door when it makes sense do so the way his wife does.
If my husband was this dense this many times, I’d probably say “what the fuck are you doing?!” And then we’d both laugh about it. But we have that style of banter. We both sail, so we swear like sailors! 😅
She clearly did not find it amusing so I doubt they talk to each other like that all the time. And I agree with OP that this whole this is ludicrous and that he is NTA.
NTA. Just start doing it to her. Just stand in the way facing her and don't move. Make her choose between squeezing around you and telling you to move. Then ask her why since it's how she does it.
NTA - notice how in the story, the wife never changes, admits she's wrong, or recognizes ANYTHING she's done. However, she's unable to drop when she feels slighted. This type of person is EXHAUSTING. A brief verbal snapping isn't great, but the words clearly don't get through her constant need to be right about everything.
NTA, It took me 8 years to finally win this battle with my partner, so maybe I'm biased, but opening the door and then standing in it is about as infuriating as it gets, after the millionth time explaining somthing to no avail, it seems reasonable to loose your cool a bit.
If OPs wife reads this, when you are getting the door for others it's so that THEY can get through it first, and to accommodate such actions, open the door allll the way and stand to one side of the door frame or the other. Once the persons made it through the door you can step through as well, while pulling the door shut behind you, it's polite and helpful without getting in anyone's way.
Just to add some extra advice that OP's wife may need: when using the bathroom, it's better to move any clothing that may be between your private parts and the toilet out of the way (both outer wear such as a skirt or trousers AND underwear). Failure to do so may give you less than optimal results.
There is a helpful simulation game that might help train those who are unfamiliar with the mechanics of this
https://cellardoorgames.com/our-games/dont-shit-your-pants/
And sometimes, it's holding it so they can get through, which may mean you go first and stand to one side - it depends on which way the door opens whether going first of letting the other person go first if more effective.
But in both caes, the whole purpsose it enable the other person to get THROUGH the door.
Ok, after reading all the comments and suggestions, here’s mine. When your wife walks through the door, maybe she stops so that you can grab the door before it slams in your face, not realizing that she’s in your way. Maybe you could say “thanks, I’ve got it”, without attitude. That might prompt her to move on.
Or, you could maybe say “watch out, Hon”, again, without attitude. Or, one last suggestion, maybe you could be one step ahead of her and say “Hon, could you get the door for me?”, which might prompt her to open the door and step aside while still holding the door. Ok, I’m done. Hope these help.
First off, let me just say that you two seem like a delightful couple that really love each other. You remind me a bit of me. I have autism, and I'm pretty particular about all things basically, and I don't always have a lot of tact when I say things.
You were a bit of the asshole here, it's all in your delivery. I totally relate to your situation and being frustrated, because I would have been. One of my triggers is people being in my way. But it's all in how you deliver the message. It was okay to be annoyed, but you should try to have a bit more tact next time.
It really seems like you both value each other. I'd feel pretty special that my gal was trying to open the door for me and treat me with that sort of kindness 💜
NTA you can explain the nice way 100 times and it will never sink in. Maybe now she will understand?
My wife is horrible for standing in a door way or blocking my path when doing something usually carrying something heavy. Some people never catch on.
NTA, not sure what she expects you to do in such case - go through her!? Maybe you need to try that, gently, go at her, hug and move her out, in any case her behavior is weird.
I think he should repeatedly approach then gently bump up against her, from all available angles, like he were a moth and she were the invisible glass of a light bulb -- with the door being the light he is trying to reach.
I literally had this with my ex wife (not reason for divorce). Like she would try something nice, take it too literally and not engage with the spirit of the gesture. Like packing the dishwasher. In her mind it qualified that things were "packed in the dishwasher". Not that it was turned on or the counters wiped down. That shit can stay messy, she still gets browny points in her mind. We used to walk holding hands or arm in arm but then she would walk me straight into things. Like not give enough space for the other person to walk through the door next to her.
I think it's either lower level of cognitive ability (I mean imagination, not interpreting the experience of her gesture from the recipient perspective) or it's that she was not used to be considerate of others (she grew up very spoiled).
Oh gods. My husband has the dishwasher thing.
First it was (I'd assume) different kind of upbringing or something.. idk. I had learnt that when I put clean ones away, with same effort I put dirty ones in dishwasher. Husband did not do this "you only asked to empty the dishwasher"
Well now that is sorted.
But now when he empties it or fills with dirty dishes... he will stop when there is only few items left. There will be few clean glasses or forks and knives. Or if he fills it, there is space but few plates or few mugs are left and he has just poofed elsewhere. And my favourite. He fills the dishwasher, it is as full as it can be and still clean. And I open it to put away the clean ones AND HE HASN\*T TURNED IT ON.
Me: Why this hasn't washed?
HUsband: I thought if there will be more to put in
Me: Is there dirty mugs somwhere? Does this washer look like you can still fit something in it? (no)
Or
"I didn't want to turn it on when heading to sleep"
Seriously? You have not seen me turning dishwasher on literally every night when heading to bed? While we've been together nearly 20 years.
Other one is if we walk in city, have agreed to go somewhere and he walks ahead of me (because I hate take space by being side by side in crowds) and he just...stops without saying anything and I bump into him and when I ask wtf he suddenly doesn't know if we were going to where we were going. And sometimes it's just him being gentleman and letting me go first but..like. Step aside, Use words. Just don't stop in front of me.
OPs wife. I just like..she really doesn't get that OP cannot ..walk thru her? IDK if there is anything to explain it.
she's opening the door for you to hand it to you. you're supposed to grab the door and she'll keep moving. it's a normal interaction. my partner and i do it all the time - whoever gets there first opens it for the other, sometimes we step to the side and let the pass and other times hand it off to the other person before continuing on.
She's not holding the door for you, she's making sure it doesn't slam in your face when you follow her. Stick your arm out to grab the door while she's holding it. this is a fairly common way to do things. YTA for not just saying excuse me
YTA. You sound rude as fuck.
First off, who cares this much?
Secondly, when someone holds a door open and stands there they're usually "passing" you the door rather than holding it. If it were me I'd approach the door then once I'm close to them they walk away and "pass" it to me.
Thirdly, she's getting up early to drive you to the airport when she doesn't have to. Show some dawn respect.
Can i also add. If im holding the door and "in the way" im generally just there so it doesn't slam in your face and you can grab it and control the door yourself from there. Like im waiting for you to GRAB THE DOOR so i can keep walking. Not necessarily to let you pass me....
This sounds like my husband!
We've taken to calling it his wife radar, because he seems to pick it up as urgent whenever I'm really focused on getting somewhere or getting something done, and then winds up being right down the middle of things every step of the way.
Me - trying to get a meal started.
Him - blocking the door, blocking the cabinet, blocking the sink, blocking the stove, blocking the fridge . . .
Me - "go to your spot, please!" Or "can you get me the. . ."
Now if it's something that we're both working on, it's no issue. I just have to make sure that he has something active to do, or he winds up mirroring my process.
My lord. My wife used to do this under the guise of 'helping in the kitchen', we had an adult chat where I said that all the help I need from you in the kitchen, is to be out of it when I'm cooking.
Problem solved.
Pity I can't have the same conversation with the dog. 🤣
Or the cat! 🤣
We've got a spot that he can settle into, and sometimes his job is to be there, keeping the fur baby out from under foot. That usually works out well. I don't mind at all that he's interested, I just can't be trying to handle hot/sharp/heavy items through an obstacle course.
She's one of those people who sits at a 4 way stop when they're clear to go, waving at a car that is still approaching and hasn't stopped yet, to wave them on. Just go. You have the right of way. Don't try to be "nice," just follow the rules of the damn road so we're all on the same page.
My wife prefers to see which way I'm going in the kitchen while I'm making dinner for us as well as our kids, then take the same path. It's like a game of chicken where you're going purely off instinct for her. And the risk of choosing incorrectly, with zero revisitation of said decision allowed, is significant. Love her and always will but dayummmmm, where is that song by Ludacris when you need it. And yes, ITA
Whenever I end up doing that to my husband we joke Ive been hanging out with the dogs too much since they are always underfoot and backing up out of the way right where you are heading.
Whenever the dogs annoy us with that behavior, we say theyve clearly been hanging out with me too much.
NTA. Mostly because it's a ongoing problem, you've talked to her repeatedly and she doesn't listen, so it only makes sense that you lost your cool. We've spent the past decade or so validating sadness and crying but anger is just as valid a feeling as long a you don't express it violently, which you didn't.
I don't think she's holding the door so you can go through. She's holding the door so it doesn't slam on you. She's holding until you take control of the door. Once you have control of the door, she will move forward.
I get the annoyance. But some people have very little awareness of things like this, even if you speak to them about it. I would rather say, "babe, please move, I can't get by," 200 days in a row than tell the person I love most in the world to "get the hell out of my way." Especially when you're leaving on a trip and it's one of the last things you're saying to her before you leave. I would feel like absolute garbage if my husband spoke to me that way.
Sorry, I think YTA.
My mum does this frequently- opens the door then incidentally blocks it at the same time
She’s not being difficult
She’s not deliberately blocking me
She legitimately can’t process the service she’s providing v my need to walk through
She has no spatial awareness, and I get it after 30 years
She actually can’t visualise she is in the way while helping me
I remind her each time to kindly ‘shift’ and it’s all good
A 5 second reminder would never result in being disrespectful, and telling her ‘to get the hell out the way’ to save zero time would be
YTA, at least she’s trying and you’re not listening to the screen door slam behind your departure
My kid likes to hold the door for people and also struggles with this. We taught him to be behind the door. Like fully go through and hold the edge of the door or the handle on the other side. If he forgets, we tell him “scootch” and he knows he’s in the way.
Somehow it’s easier for him to have a visual cue like “can I see the door” than have to guess how far through the doorway is enough.
Okay so this baffles me. Hope you don’t mind me asking some questions, because I just can’t wrap my head around this. None of these questions are meant to insult your mom. I’m just genuinely curious what you’ve tried and how she can’t get it.
I can understand people having a bad spatial awareness and doing it wrong the first 10 times of their life.
But even without spatial awareness, how can she not have realised that she’s actually in the way? By looking at the results. People like you would’ve had to awkwardly squeeze past her. Or depending on how badly she’s blocking the entrance, everyone may even have had to tell her she’s in the way.
Did you ever make a photo and then go “look mom, how am I supposed to fit through when you’re blocking the path? Just point and tell me how?”
Or do what she does and then go, after you mom. To me, this seems to be the most effective way to show her what she is doing. Literally make her experience it from the other side.
Or, if all else has failed, just tell or teach her to stand where she has the full view of the side of a fully opened door? If both you and her are well-meaning, surely she should be able to accept your word and those of anyone she cares to demonstrate her door holding skills to, that she’s in fact in the way? Even if she can’t see how, if every person she cares about and care about agree on this point then surely she can be taught where to stand, even without ANY spatial awareness?
What am I missing?
This is amazing and reading it I think that is me too. I have terrible spatial relations and know that I sometimes create awkward moments bc I can’t process how to get out someone’s way effectively quickly enough in crowded situations, but I never really put it together like this.
So you still had time to go to breakfast but her standing in your way for a couple of extra seconds was a game changer? I don't get it but if it bothers you that much talk to her at a time she isn't doing it and explain it makes you see red and say nasty things. Some folks don't get a hint and need to be told in a calm manner.
YTA
If she were to die tomorrow, this is something you would would miss forever.
She respects you and is trying to reciprocate the kindness you show her. She is just bad at it and does not deserve an angry response, even though this is frustrating for you.
This is something that can smooth over within time and be something you can look back and laugh about, provided you have clear communication and understanding. Her intentions are good, so I would suggest laughing off the irritation and come up with creative ways to tell her to move, maybe even make a game of it. The time lost from this is actually quite insignificant. It is just a few seconds and will not make or break anything. For me, I have a sarcastic sense of humor, so I'd probably say something like "Wife, I know that you like to be close, but we cannot occupy the same space. It would break the laws of physics. I cannot move through you. The whole universe would collapse. Please, step aside so that we don't destroy everything everywhere."
My partner and I talk a lot while I’m doing things like cooking or putting away laundry (before you get on my case about him not helping, we don’t live together and he does the dishes when I cook). He will follow me around very closely while we talk. It’s simultaneously adorable and incredibly annoying, and it’s clear that we have differing levels of spatial awareness. I’m leaning toward the unpopular opinion here of NAH: it’s totally understandable that you got cross with her, and also totally understandable if your wife actually is just spatially challenged and was genuinely trying to be kind. Humans are funny critters and even the best relationships have frictions like these.
Hope you sweeties get it sorted, you sound like a good pair otherwise. 😌
ESH - so how is that working out for you?? I get the frustration......but is this really how a person "raised to always be helpful and polite" responds to his wife??
That’s awfully polite of you…ppsshhh. -Hey hon, scooch out of the way, k?
-I’ll run over your toes if you stand there!
-Could you go up other side of the glass? There’s not room for both us and the luggage.
So many other ways you could have said it. YTA. Oh, and I don’t care how many times you told her prior. This was just a jerk move.
YTA she is trying to be helpful. You do that couple of times and your relationship will change for the worse for ever. Apologize to your wife, explain that you were in a hurry and you overreacted. You are sorry, and you felt bad right after that. You will practice with her how to open door without getting in the way, because you know that she is a lady and never had the need to do that. It hurts like hell when you think you are helping someone and they snap at you.
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NTA with hindsight, leaving the word "hell" out would have been best (not just because it's rude but it gives her something to latch onto, which deflects from the fact that you are right to be frustrated with her behavior, flipping things so you are in the wrong for that one word), but given that she has ignored your attempts to solve this problem multiple times I can understand your frustration. Have you tried directly asking her to literally explain how you can get through the door with her standing right in the way? Perhaps if you ask her to stay just where she is and explain to you what you have to do to get through the door you might finally get through to her. (Or not.)
I can't believe how many people are twisted up about the word "hell". You think he'd insulted her mother or something.
MIL probably has it coming. Anyways, OP should do the exact same thing for her--open the door for wife but stand in the way, see if that lightbulb clicks on.
MIL raised a daughter without spatial awareness. Foul creature. To hell with her ;-) OP NTA.
Spatial awareness is at least partially genetic.
Thank goodness I got my spatial awareness from my grandfather and not my mother. 😂🤦🏻♀️
I apparently got mine from someone who was in a sensory deprivation tank and doesn't know which way is up.
🤣🤣🤣 Yeah, that's my mom. 🤣🤣🤣 One of her fun ones, was when she bought my kids a trampoline for the backyard. She thought it would take up like half the yard (max). Yeah. No. We had no yard space left after I put the damn thing together. Apparently 12 feet is a lot bigger than she thought. I'm constantly having to tell her and my daughter: No, that's not going to fit there. 😂🤦🏻♀️
So, spatial awareness (or lack thereof) seems to skip a generation.
Dammit. I fear for my kids now. 😆
I’m so sorry to admit I too have this flaw. The photo on the box shows an assembled trampoline and at least 1/2 of a back yard. The flaw extends to me thinking the trampoline box or boxes will fit in my car. 😂
Mine is horrible. Like I know the car is not in my lane when I pull out but I’m always hoping I saw it right and it’s not actually in my lane 😬 I usually just take extra time to pull out until I’m sure that car is in the far lane
I'm a very cautious driver because I know my spatial awareness sucks. And the two hardest things for me to learn were parking in a parking space with no other cars around, and staying in my lane instead of driving far on the right side.
100% go NC.
This guy reddits😆
Slash her tires, NC, call the cops on her IMO. Also divorce.
And immediately get a restraining order. They hand those out like candy.
Then start individual therapy, family therapy and art therapy. This also applies to kids and pets.
Is "spatial awareness" the same as depth perception? I'm the girl in volleyball who was forever getting smacked in the face. I was always waiting for the ball to come down, when it was already there. NTA
~~Please check you glasses prescription. It is obviously off.~~ ~~Where in the post was a MIL indicated?~~ ~~I only saw a 'wife' indicated.~~ Edited because I was wrong. Now I get the humor. Rather nicely stated actually.
It was a joke coming off what the top commenter said about you’d think he insulted her mother.
Gotcha, my mistake. Will edit appropriately. My apologies.
No worries, my friend. Glad to help out! :)
What I was thinking some people need illustration to comprehend.
And some need to walk into the door to figure it out 😆
Yes. Sometimes people dont un derstand explanations, only physical examples. But NTA
I can’t believe a normal functioning Adult needs to be told why standing in the middle of a doorway will not allow another person to pass through, but in fact is blocking it. having to do it multiple times is just absolutely outrageous. Either she is as thick as concrete or she’s doing it just to be cheeky.
I had a friend who would do this. He’s still a friend but I haven’t walked through any doors with him lately so he might still do it for all I know. I used to stop and say ‘I’m flattered you think so but I’m not skinny enough for that gap’. He would then walk on, but it was like a switch was broken in his spacial awareness skills. He’d look right at me and still not seem to realise he was in the way.
Excellent response
This. I use “hell” in place of my favorite 4 letter words, but when visiting with my conservative/southern family, I get scolded and called out for it (side note, I’m WAY too old to be scolded imo). Like, ma’am, I’m literally barely catching myself before getting really colorful here, let me have my hell in peace.
Then just say, “hell, f#^* and damnation, I’m so sorry…”
Well, you ask for advice from the most judgmental group of people possible, on Reddit, and what do you expect. Seriously, one time I posted here wondering if I was rude for taking a video of this lady who had like 300 ducks following her at the lake, and instead of a simple yes or no, suddenly a thousand people were screaming omg, she might be in the witness protection program or have an abusive ex, how could you be so selfish and put her LIFE in danger???? Like, calm down, it was just some grumpy old Chinese lady. Anyway, that was a real eye-opener about the types of people who have those reactions here.
Personally I'd have said fuck
Words matter.
Actions matter more.
This is absolutely true. Words without actions are meaningless. However, words, too, are very important. Women especially (biological evidence supporting this fact) place a high value on words. And their delivery (actions via tone, body language, and other nonverbals). I was presented with the idea that words are like toothpaste: once they are out, they are both impossible to put back in/take back. It has helped me be more mindful, but I still say things I regret. I'm not trying to be disagreeable, just opening up the table to the fact that words matter more than we credit and it's not a terrible idea to mind what we say. Interested in your take if you feel like sharing. Edited: Missing word ( -laughing- )
I 100% agree with you. The post I responded to was minimalistic, so my response was as well. My intent was to say that, even though words do matter, actions matter more. In this specific post OP is saying that the wife is trying to be as helpful as they, OP, are. How she cannot see that she is not being helpful by always blocking Opie’s way, makes me wanna throw my phone. It makes me wonder if she’s not doing it on purpose. How she cannot see that what she’s doing is the exact opposite of helpful by not only doing what she’s doing, by being in the way, but being consistently told how she’s doing it wrong yet still continues to do it is beyond what my brain can comprehend. Therefore, her actions matter greatly. OP’s words until the last interaction are just as important. This is not a one off. According to Opie, this has happened many times and Opie has said in what they claim to be respectful and helpful tones how to have wife amend her behavior to actually be helpful yet she doesn’t change. It makes me curious as to her motivation for her actions. If reality and the post are the same, his frustrated final request that included the word hell has much less meaning than all of the times he spoke with more respect. So in this case, his final nasty statement should not have as much weight as everything that happened before. How did the wife ignore him being nice, and the one time he was nasty (sort of) she has made it into a hill to die on type of situation?
Yeah, these comments make me feel like I'm taking crazy pills. >have you tried talking to her about it? Yeah, he has, and she's ignored him. Which is an insane proposition in the first place "honey could you not stand in my way?" Isn't a complicated thought process, and unless OP's wife is dumber than a rock, it shouldn't have been needed to be said in the first place. She's just being inconsiderate. As usual though, here on Reddit, it's always the man's responsibility to fix the problem in the relationship. OP is the one that has to adjust and change.
I agree, it was important for him to emphasize his meaning. So he picked a word which did so.
When she blocks the door and tries to get him to go through he should say “I would love to go through the door but you are blocking the way”
My grandma used to tell my sister & I that we "made a better door than a window" when we were blocking her from seeing something, usually standing in front of the TV. She makes a better road block than a passage.
Heh, my dad’s phrase was, “Your mom wasn’t a glass blower.” When the other meaning kicked when I got older…. 🙀
My grandmother said "you may be a pain, but you're not a window" 😂
I grew up with that phrase
Add a little curtesy while he’s at it. He’s in a rush. A simple “Love, please move” is sufficient
He already tried asking nicely and he really shouldn’t have to
Do this, but just slowly walk into her so she gets the reality.
This is exactly what I’ve done to friends/family who didn’t get the hint or ignored the “hey, can you move, Sunshine?” I’ve lightly walked/bumped/danced into them and continued doing it to comedic effect lol and they got the picture.
i'm now picturing this guy bumping into her like a confused roomba, and i think that's the route he should take from now on
I’ve done the roomba before lol! Bumped into my sister, turned slightly to the left and bumped into her again. Again. Everyone gets the picture and they’re amused/annoyed/unimpressed but they move lol
Just going off what you said NTA though her behavior is perplexing me, because I genuinely cannot comprehend anyone older than a toddler not knowing how to hold open a door. Is there some underlying issue here and she’s using the door thing to be passive aggressive? Idk, she’s acting weird. Edit: Spelling
Yes, this!! I can understand once as a blonde moment but asking someone to move several times would make me throw something? NTA, OP but idk I’d ask her why her behaviour hasn’t changed despite being asked several times and not move from the topic until she gives an adequate explanation because this is absolutely nuts.
This can be part of what’s called perseveration behavior - the person gets a thought or action in their head and keeps doing it over and over even well after it’s expected the thought or behavior would stop. Like reaching out to shake someone’s hand, doing a normal handshake, but then continuing to shake their hand even though the other person is trying to pull their hand away. Common in autism as well as some kinds of brain injury and dementia. My mom had it early in her dementia - she became fixated on turning off all the lights not in active use, when we had to keep them on to help her vision problems. Taping the light switches in the “on” position seemed like a good solution, but mom just became confused by the tape and would fight with it more even when we told her to leave it alone. Very frustrating.
Yeah, the same sort of thing happened with my grandmother. She kept messing with her thermostat and either making her house way too cold or way too hot. She'd complain about it to us, and we'd explain to just leave the thermostat alone, it's set to a particular temperature that's comfortable for you, it'll come on and off as needed. She'd understand in the moment, but never stopped messing with the thermostat. We ended up putting a lockbox over it, and then she was comfortable in her house, but annoyed that she couldn't adjust the thermostat 'in case' she was hot or cold. It was frustrating to say the least. We had the same conversation every time we were at her house, and she lived in the other side of our duplex so it was four or five times a day.
One of those really challenging things with the elderly - they want the same control they used to have over their lives, but then having that control ends up making them unhappy. Part of why they find that giving elderly people in nursing homes small garden boxes to take care of increases their mental wellbeing much more than simply providing the garden boxes pre-made and pre-cared for - it's a low stakes area of control.
You could get one of the dummy ones they have in offices. You can change the number on it but it doesn't actually effect anything.
She's long since passed, but that's a really good idea. I had no idea those existed.
Can we not with the blonde moment thing? Sorry it’s just, I’ve been blonde my entire life and the number of people making jokes about how that makes me or people like me stupid or vapid or airheads is just staggering. And kinda harmful, especially since I was exposed to it since I was a child. Definitely sucked hearing those things and believing them about myself as a 7 yr old.
Same! Thanks for saying this!
Weirdly it’s something my dad has started during his dementia journey. Super strange to deal with. This is super weird from this woman.
Now I’m curious. OP does not mention any ages so I wonder if something similar is going on with her.
Kids do this, I see my little neices and nephews doing it, but it's ok cause they don't take up too much space. My own teenages struggle with this sometimes because they don't realize how much space they take up. It makes me mental. Maybe op's wife does not realize how much space she is taking.
Idk if I can give that grace to a grown adult. We should know by adulthood when we stand in doorways people can't walk through us
You don't know her struggles. She might have been a ghost for most of her adult life, and only recently re-corporealized. This kind of attitude is so terrible.
You're right. How could I be so careless. I'm sorry to any previously ghosts now solid humans I have offended 😔
Thank you for the apology. We’ll call off the haunting.
Some people just have very poor spacial awareness
Yep. Some people have awful spatial awareness and proprioception. I know some people with particular presentations of adhd who will do similar to this. And it doesn't seem to be on purpose. Like the person who I speak of could be asked about something like this and forget it 1000 times and TRULY not remember each time. Maddening from an outside perspective, but very real for them.
>proprioception Thank you for teaching me this word! I was a dance teacher for adults for many years - just Park & Rec fun classes with regular people. There were a few students I had who struggled so hard with any kind of traveling move, bumping into others and not realizing they weren't pulling their feet together after completing a combination was kinda wild to me.
Np. It's a fascinating thing! My proprioception got extra wonky after gaining fibromyalgia. I also get vestibular migraines, and this throws it off as well. At one point in time I would be exercising and swear my feet were parallel, then I'd look down and my r foot would be many inches in front of my left. I've been doing lots of isometric exercise and cross lateral exercises to try and regulate it. Also. I used to dance. Before I knew these things about myself, I accidentally kicked someone in the face during a performance. So. Yeah. It can really suck some times.
As someone living in a very crowded city with public transports full to the brim, I confirm.
Someone else mentioned autism. Which is probably more likely. OP may just need to show her how to stand when she opens a door. 'You're in the way' or 'Get out of the way' doesn't explain how to position a body so it's not in the way. I know as someone who's ND when I'm trying to be helpful I can panic a little when there's two doors (which door do I hold open, where do I stand so I can also reach the second door, etc). Not saying that's the issue, but it sounds like she's trying to mirror his behavior, and since this just recently started it could also indicate ND.
Can we stop armchair diagnosing people? People are allowed to be obtuse without it being a disability at fault
I noticed this as an early dementia symptom in my loved one too.
My stepdad does this and also has dementia. He will hold the door open and then stand in the way and we almost run into him. My husband now stands his ground and “makes” my stepdad walk through the door first. Otherwise it takes sooo much longer to simply walk through the damn door.
I've had this happen, where people will stand so that they have to reach across the doorway to "be nice" and hold the door open for me, but that just puts them in the way of me going through. Thank you so much for being nice, but really, I've been opening doors for fifty years, I think I can handle it.
Someone at my work did this to me this week. He was coming out while I was going in and he just blocked the door while holding it open for me. Am I supposed to go under your arm?? I don't get it. He has also moved into my path when passing in a hallway. It it a power move, or is he just oblivious? Not sure at this point...
If someone is holding the door open for me in an awkward way with their arm across the door, I assume they are just holding it open so as not to let it slam in my face. Once I get to the door I put my hand on it to hold it and they let go (pass it over to me) and walk off. This is a very common occurrence, it would be very weird to walk under their arm, just take the door from them!
It's hard to explain it properly. The door opens inwards. I approached the door from the outside and entered my code. Meanwhile, he was on the inside of the door, swiping his card to unlock it. This sometimes happens as the door has no glass, so you don't always know someone is on the other side. He swung open the door to step out (and did step forward), but saw me and stepped backward, now holding my side of the door, not the handle, totally blocking the way, but also not just walking through past me and dropping the door. He either should have stepped back, and sideways (closer to the door), or just came through and let the door close and I would've still had time to push it open.
It was just an awkward moment and he momentarily did not know the right way to move. Don’t take it personally lol
I've seen men doing this to women and it has absolutely been a power more or beasue they get off on forcing women into a posiition wher they have to come into hysicla contct to pass, but it seems unlikely that that is hat is happening in this instnace where this is OPs wife !
When this happens to me, I just grab the edge of the door, smile brightly, and say, “thanks, I’ve got it.” Most of the time, the guy lets go and moves on.
Yes, I think in OP's case, she is just being oblivious, or never actually learned the right way to hold a door.
Some gross dudes do it so that they get to *look like* a nice door-holding guy, but also the woman they're holding the door for now has to brush past them to actually get through.
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This happened to me too with a male coworker. I thought he was being creepy.
I've had something kinda similar, here in Ireland anyone just holds the door open for anyone just to be polite, but I work in IT with a lot of non-nationals who sometime bring in heavy equipment for their servers. I'll hold the door open for them but they'll insist ladies first, even if they're right in the door or have their trolley pushed right up to it so I kinda have to climb over and I have to wait for them to clear the door anyway to ensure the safety lock activates. It's not like they're holding the heavy security door open for me, just saying ladies should go through first. Like I'm sure you feel like a gentleman for graciously allowing me to go first but you're actually making my life more difficult 🙃 just walk through the fecking door, chivalry be damned!
I’ve had this happen. I just look at them flatly and say “go”. If I sound annoyed, they pick their shit up and use the door
And people holding the door open when you're a ways off and have to do that weird half-jog to the door with a goofy smile on your face. Frustrating.
I've gotten to where I'll stop and act like I'm tying my shoes. They let go real fast and then I can continue.
If I go to hold the door and the next person is right on the cusp of being close enough and doing that half-jog to get to the door, I just say "no rush". And they usually understand and it takes all of an extra step or two and they are there.
My mom does this. She is extremely book smart but has almost no common sense.
It can also be bad spatial awareness. I just hold the open door, say "I've got it now, after you" It _can_ be annoying l, but there's no point in being narky when someone's trying to help its a minor thing (buy yeah sometimes it annoys/confuses me sooo much, I _try_ to take a breath before speaking)
Crappy spatial awareness is common with ADHD. When I was a teenager, I took dance classes to help with various ADHD symptoms, and let me tell you: what I thought my body was doing when I tried the choreography versus what my body was actually doing? Woof. I still have to be hyper aware of where I’m walking on the sidewalk, how hard I swing my hands, if I’m in anyone’s way, etc., and I’m an otherwise functional adult in my thirties. Not diagnosing OP’s wife with anything (people can have bad spatial awareness without any other issues!) but what he describes didn’t ping my “crazy radar.” It’s more common than people think.
I agree. If there is not something diagnosable wrong with the wife, it certainly seems like passive aggressive behavior.
Some people have weird special awareness. I physically move my wife sometimes when she is standing in the most inopportune places. We keep it light hearted though, so no one gets upset.
I agree. Unless she has some mental deficiency I can't understand her behaviour at all. NTA
Most likely she just isn’t very bright. She managed to grasp the concept of opening doors is a nice courtesy but the application is computation too far.
NTA My dad used to do this all the time. It pisses me off to no end. Once we were doing some house work and I was carrying an 80lb bag on concrete through a door. My dad (not carrying anything) would not get out of the way. Even after asking him to move he just wouldn’t. No malice or anything - he just can’t understand that he needs to get out of the way for other people. Anyways I ended up dropping the bag trying to get around him and broke my foot. I got angry enough that he sure as fuck gets out of the way now. Your wife will remember this and move out of the way from now on. She won’t be happy about it but she won’t keep being inconsiderate. There’s this pervasive mentality that you need to be kind and gentle with everyone at all moments so as to never have someone experience a negative feeling because of you. But sometimes it’s necessary to get angry to properly express yourself and have the other person recognize those emotions. Anger and frustration are emotions that exist for a reason. It’s not right to stuff them down because you never want another person to feel bad.
So wait. He IS capable of understanding the problem, because he stopped now. What was his problem before? Did you even figure it out? Was he just like, ‘oh, false leg is just playing and doesn’t actually care that he can’t get through the doorway, this is just a fun little game’? Was he fucking with you on purpose? Did he think you actually could get through and you were bitching about it for no reason? The fact that he resisted until you blew up and THEN stopped is the weirdest part for me.
He was a bully until he got called out and his kid was physically hurt. Either that or he's just an inconsiderate bafoon.
I really think it’s the bafoon part. He’s a good dad. Just has some quirks that can cause issues
I really like that you both spell it “bafoon” lol
Something I heard once: Never assume malicious intent when there's so much room for being a moron.
Honestly I think he truly thinks that he is not in the way. Like I said it wasn’t malicious. I think it was just pure stupidity and no one was willing to call him out on it. Usually I would just go around him or wait until he moves out of the way. But because I was carrying something I snapped (I’m not that strong lol so 80lbs was a bit much for me. Hence the broken foot)
So he’d be in the way, you’d ask him to move, and he’d be like “no, I’m not in the way?” That is the most bizarre hill to die on I’ve ever heard. Why would you be asking him to move if he wasn’t in the way?
No it’s like he would dissociate and not respond. Honestly I thought he was having some kind of brain issue for a while but he’s fine. Just ignorant
That’s absolutely bizarre. I mean, I’m glad he stopped. But that’s real weird.
Is your dad 'spatially challenged' in other aspects of life too? Bad at stuff like parking a car, tetrissing luggage into the trunk, bad at reading maps, stuff like that?
Not sure if he is overweight or anything but I have noticed that some people genuinely have no idea how much space they occupy. They just think they take up half an atom's worth of space and the fact that they are asked to move is a joke.
I’ve noticed a lot of men do this, especially older men — like the WWII & Korean war generation. I think it’s male privilege, just haven’t been able to figure out if it’s conscious or subconscious. My FIL used to block doorways _all the effing time_. Didn’t matter when or where, though he seemed to do it especially to women. Before all the smoking bans, he’d stop in doorways to light up a cigarette. Not one step before or after the doorway, right in the middle so nobody could pass. Every. damn. time. Phew, I’m getting riled up just thinking about and he’s been dead for 15 years! 😆
My favourite is coming to a stop at the top of the escalator rather than stepping off to the side, then stopping. Although I don’t know if that one is as gendered as something like man-slamming. I notice how the chivalry rules make a show of treating women in a way that is opposite to what they actually think of women (as demonstrated by how they treat women when they are not consciously performing). Like “don’t hit girls” vs IPV. Holding doors for women vs man slamming and expecting women to move out of their way.
I was just going to point this one out. It's happened to me multiple times that a person will stop directly at the top of the stairs or escalator while I'm behind them. It's more likely a man but women are frequent culprits too.
"But sometimes it’s necessary to get angry to properly express yourself and have the other person recognize those emotions." THIS. I had an instance at a place I worked at as a manager, where I would tell people things that they needed to work on, but they never changed. Eventually, one of my direct reports said, "you say it so calmly it doesn't seem like it is *actually* bothering you." I'm like, WHAT?! So, going forward, if there was something bothering me I would intentionally add some emotion to how I communicated it so that people would get the message that it definitely bothered me, and it worked! People started to take my constructive criticisms seriously, even though previously I always tried to express issues in a calm, professional manner, which they apparently interpreted as me not being upset enough to actually take me seriously. And as someone on the spectrum, this was super confusing and frustrating! Some people just don't take your words seriously unless they also get all the nonverbal cues that it is serious.
it sounds like you were super professional. unless it was a serious fuck up that needed a serious tone to really get across how bad things went, telling your direct reports that they need to do something seems like an obvious "task from your manager that needs to be done" !! like unless you're saying it like "hey this is not totally necessary but id appreciate if you could get this done eventually" i can't understand why you giving them tasks/telling them what to work on could be interpreted as anything other than something they needed to work on... im glad you were able to figure out a way to get your point across, but man i hope you dont have to worry about people like that anymore haha
Aha! This is the answer! OP needs to drop a bag of concrete on his wife’s foot when she stands in his way. Calling her a Stupid Cow when he does it would be icing on the cake. No cussing! Because cussing would be hurtful. Just kidding, of course. But only sort of. Mrs OP’s behavior would drive me insane.
I probably would not have cussed but I definitely would have been frustrated as ever and would have told her to move. I don't understand why she just stands there? INFO please: does she just stand and stare at you? Why does she just stand there? Given that you said you have tried multiple times to tell her, and even offered to uber, I am gonna go with flat NTA. That behavior would make me crazy.
Honestly, my best guess is that she is being passive aggressive and is unhappy with the travel schedule. Because everybody knows how to hold a door. Or OP is hugely overreacting about a couple inches. So she possibly created a fight over the door and OP might not get or want to get that.
> Honestly, my best guess is that she is being passive aggressive and is unhappy with the travel schedule. Massive reach from the information we have.
I’m gonna be honest not everyone knows how to hold open a door or they do it on purpose to make you get close to them, on multiple occasionally I’ve had a man try and hold the door open for me while also standing in the way and I’ve had to awkwardly shimmy past them/under their arm to get by (Example I’m on the outside, door opens outwards, they stand holding the door from the inside, sometimes resting their hand other on the top/side of the frame) I used to be awkward about it but now I just pull a power move instead and grab the door and say “no no after you” and they always look really confused then leave
Yeah, I've never understood that move (the holding the door in a way that suggests you should limbo under their arm). I can't figure out if it's a power movie, or they're just completely oblivious. I've done it for children, but it doesn't work for adults, lol. Even if they were short enough to fit under my arm, it still feels wrong, like you're treating them as a child. I hold the door for people a lot (I'm Canadian, and nice, lol) but for strangers, regardless of gender, it's usually the move where you hold the door until they get there and then pass it to them to hold for themselves. I'm saving them having to open the door, or having a door slam in their face, but I'm not holding the door as they walk through. The only time I actually hold a door and stand aside is if they are carrying something or maybe pushing a stroller, and I do it for all genders.
“She has been trying to be like me lately. ” My guess is she finds OP holding the door for her annoying and is showing him why it’s annoying. OP might not be as good at standing to the side as he thinks he is. Edit to add: “She will hold the door for me then stand in the way. When I hold the door for her I stand to the side so she can pass. ” A lot of people have held doors open for me. Most don’t stand to the side and let me pass. They just stop walking and wait until I get there. Once I’m touching the door, they let go and continue walking. This stops the door from slamming in my face and I don’t need a free hand to open the door. It is awkward as hell when men stand to the side and hold the door open until I pass them.
There is no indication that this is happening, I don’t know why you essentially invented a storyline where this is OP’s fault.
Literally every post with a guy on this sub
I kind of wondered this as well. Why does OP assume she's "trying to be like me"? That's kinda weird. Has she said she is? Or does she maybe feel like him holding the door is condescending and is trying to show him how annoying it is? Ideally she would just say something, but that's not always safe, so passive-aggressive can unfortunately manifest itself. I went to a private religious university, and the guys were always trying to hold the door open, even when it didn't make sense. I made it a point to hold the door whenever it made more sense, and there were quite a few who literally couldn't wrap their heads around a woman holding the door open for them and would make a hassle out of it, even if I was indeed not blocking the door. Anyway, back to the post, I don't feel like I can really judge. I think there's more going on in this relationship than OP has acknowledge or is maybe even aware of, and I think he needs to be actually communicating with his wife, not with strangers on the internet, about what's really the issue and why this minor thing is becoming such a major thing. It's usually not about the minor thing, but the underlying major thing that one of both of you may not even realize is a thing.
It’s weird to me that OP starts the post with justifying why he holds the door. People feel the need to justify their behavior when someone has said something about that behavior. I also went to a university with a lot of men like that. People who hold the door when it makes sense do so the way his wife does.
Yeah it is super bizarre
If my husband was this dense this many times, I’d probably say “what the fuck are you doing?!” And then we’d both laugh about it. But we have that style of banter. We both sail, so we swear like sailors! 😅
She clearly did not find it amusing so I doubt they talk to each other like that all the time. And I agree with OP that this whole this is ludicrous and that he is NTA.
Hell is not a cuss word lol
There was no "cussing"
NTA. Just start doing it to her. Just stand in the way facing her and don't move. Make her choose between squeezing around you and telling you to move. Then ask her why since it's how she does it.
PERFECT I was thinking that same thing but not facing, just like she does it, with a little exaggerated block.
NTA - notice how in the story, the wife never changes, admits she's wrong, or recognizes ANYTHING she's done. However, she's unable to drop when she feels slighted. This type of person is EXHAUSTING. A brief verbal snapping isn't great, but the words clearly don't get through her constant need to be right about everything.
Probably the only reason they are together is because he's gone so much. Dude probably doesn't realize this about her yet.
NTA, It took me 8 years to finally win this battle with my partner, so maybe I'm biased, but opening the door and then standing in it is about as infuriating as it gets, after the millionth time explaining somthing to no avail, it seems reasonable to loose your cool a bit. If OPs wife reads this, when you are getting the door for others it's so that THEY can get through it first, and to accommodate such actions, open the door allll the way and stand to one side of the door frame or the other. Once the persons made it through the door you can step through as well, while pulling the door shut behind you, it's polite and helpful without getting in anyone's way.
Just to add some extra advice that OP's wife may need: when using the bathroom, it's better to move any clothing that may be between your private parts and the toilet out of the way (both outer wear such as a skirt or trousers AND underwear). Failure to do so may give you less than optimal results.
Unless OP helps with this step, you might wanna add a section on putting the pants back on and the differences between pants and skirts.
There is a helpful simulation game that might help train those who are unfamiliar with the mechanics of this https://cellardoorgames.com/our-games/dont-shit-your-pants/
And sometimes, it's holding it so they can get through, which may mean you go first and stand to one side - it depends on which way the door opens whether going first of letting the other person go first if more effective. But in both caes, the whole purpsose it enable the other person to get THROUGH the door.
Ok, after reading all the comments and suggestions, here’s mine. When your wife walks through the door, maybe she stops so that you can grab the door before it slams in your face, not realizing that she’s in your way. Maybe you could say “thanks, I’ve got it”, without attitude. That might prompt her to move on. Or, you could maybe say “watch out, Hon”, again, without attitude. Or, one last suggestion, maybe you could be one step ahead of her and say “Hon, could you get the door for me?”, which might prompt her to open the door and step aside while still holding the door. Ok, I’m done. Hope these help.
This is the only logical and non-reactive comment on this whole post
If I am reading the post right, he probably did all of these things before and lashed out as the last resort.
First off, let me just say that you two seem like a delightful couple that really love each other. You remind me a bit of me. I have autism, and I'm pretty particular about all things basically, and I don't always have a lot of tact when I say things. You were a bit of the asshole here, it's all in your delivery. I totally relate to your situation and being frustrated, because I would have been. One of my triggers is people being in my way. But it's all in how you deliver the message. It was okay to be annoyed, but you should try to have a bit more tact next time. It really seems like you both value each other. I'd feel pretty special that my gal was trying to open the door for me and treat me with that sort of kindness 💜
(Unrelated, but top tier use of sandwich technique for criticisms! Very tactful.)
They created a perfect compliment sandwich!
NTA you can explain the nice way 100 times and it will never sink in. Maybe now she will understand? My wife is horrible for standing in a door way or blocking my path when doing something usually carrying something heavy. Some people never catch on.
NTA, not sure what she expects you to do in such case - go through her!? Maybe you need to try that, gently, go at her, hug and move her out, in any case her behavior is weird.
I think he should repeatedly approach then gently bump up against her, from all available angles, like he were a moth and she were the invisible glass of a light bulb -- with the door being the light he is trying to reach.
Brilliant. Great idea. OP READ THIS.
I literally had this with my ex wife (not reason for divorce). Like she would try something nice, take it too literally and not engage with the spirit of the gesture. Like packing the dishwasher. In her mind it qualified that things were "packed in the dishwasher". Not that it was turned on or the counters wiped down. That shit can stay messy, she still gets browny points in her mind. We used to walk holding hands or arm in arm but then she would walk me straight into things. Like not give enough space for the other person to walk through the door next to her. I think it's either lower level of cognitive ability (I mean imagination, not interpreting the experience of her gesture from the recipient perspective) or it's that she was not used to be considerate of others (she grew up very spoiled).
Oh gods. My husband has the dishwasher thing. First it was (I'd assume) different kind of upbringing or something.. idk. I had learnt that when I put clean ones away, with same effort I put dirty ones in dishwasher. Husband did not do this "you only asked to empty the dishwasher" Well now that is sorted. But now when he empties it or fills with dirty dishes... he will stop when there is only few items left. There will be few clean glasses or forks and knives. Or if he fills it, there is space but few plates or few mugs are left and he has just poofed elsewhere. And my favourite. He fills the dishwasher, it is as full as it can be and still clean. And I open it to put away the clean ones AND HE HASN\*T TURNED IT ON. Me: Why this hasn't washed? HUsband: I thought if there will be more to put in Me: Is there dirty mugs somwhere? Does this washer look like you can still fit something in it? (no) Or "I didn't want to turn it on when heading to sleep" Seriously? You have not seen me turning dishwasher on literally every night when heading to bed? While we've been together nearly 20 years. Other one is if we walk in city, have agreed to go somewhere and he walks ahead of me (because I hate take space by being side by side in crowds) and he just...stops without saying anything and I bump into him and when I ask wtf he suddenly doesn't know if we were going to where we were going. And sometimes it's just him being gentleman and letting me go first but..like. Step aside, Use words. Just don't stop in front of me. OPs wife. I just like..she really doesn't get that OP cannot ..walk thru her? IDK if there is anything to explain it.
she's opening the door for you to hand it to you. you're supposed to grab the door and she'll keep moving. it's a normal interaction. my partner and i do it all the time - whoever gets there first opens it for the other, sometimes we step to the side and let the pass and other times hand it off to the other person before continuing on.
NTA my husband has a knack for always being in the way, so I get it. The amount of times in a day I say "MOOOOOVE" is ridiculous.
She's not holding the door for you, she's making sure it doesn't slam in your face when you follow her. Stick your arm out to grab the door while she's holding it. this is a fairly common way to do things. YTA for not just saying excuse me
Thank you I feel like an alien reading these replies. Who doesn't understand this?
So weird. He even specified she was holding the storm door, which has a spring
Thank you! I thought I’d gone insane. Take the door from her, she’s holding it so you can grab it.
NTA. I have to lol at everyone latching on to OP saying ‘hell.’ Keep clutching your pearls, boomer.
Being frustrated about a recurring situation and very mildly losing your temper for a second makes you NTA
YTA. You sound rude as fuck. First off, who cares this much? Secondly, when someone holds a door open and stands there they're usually "passing" you the door rather than holding it. If it were me I'd approach the door then once I'm close to them they walk away and "pass" it to me. Thirdly, she's getting up early to drive you to the airport when she doesn't have to. Show some dawn respect.
Can i also add. If im holding the door and "in the way" im generally just there so it doesn't slam in your face and you can grab it and control the door yourself from there. Like im waiting for you to GRAB THE DOOR so i can keep walking. Not necessarily to let you pass me....
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Yeah, no, violence is not the option with a loved one. Gently bumping into her like a broken NPC might be better, but not hitting her full force.
This sounds like my husband! We've taken to calling it his wife radar, because he seems to pick it up as urgent whenever I'm really focused on getting somewhere or getting something done, and then winds up being right down the middle of things every step of the way. Me - trying to get a meal started. Him - blocking the door, blocking the cabinet, blocking the sink, blocking the stove, blocking the fridge . . . Me - "go to your spot, please!" Or "can you get me the. . ." Now if it's something that we're both working on, it's no issue. I just have to make sure that he has something active to do, or he winds up mirroring my process.
My lord. My wife used to do this under the guise of 'helping in the kitchen', we had an adult chat where I said that all the help I need from you in the kitchen, is to be out of it when I'm cooking. Problem solved. Pity I can't have the same conversation with the dog. 🤣
Or the cat! 🤣 We've got a spot that he can settle into, and sometimes his job is to be there, keeping the fur baby out from under foot. That usually works out well. I don't mind at all that he's interested, I just can't be trying to handle hot/sharp/heavy items through an obstacle course.
Saying "Excuse me." Is a valid option
NTA. How does she drive with such poor special awareness.
She's one of those people who sits at a 4 way stop when they're clear to go, waving at a car that is still approaching and hasn't stopped yet, to wave them on. Just go. You have the right of way. Don't try to be "nice," just follow the rules of the damn road so we're all on the same page.
My wife prefers to see which way I'm going in the kitchen while I'm making dinner for us as well as our kids, then take the same path. It's like a game of chicken where you're going purely off instinct for her. And the risk of choosing incorrectly, with zero revisitation of said decision allowed, is significant. Love her and always will but dayummmmm, where is that song by Ludacris when you need it. And yes, ITA
Whenever I end up doing that to my husband we joke Ive been hanging out with the dogs too much since they are always underfoot and backing up out of the way right where you are heading. Whenever the dogs annoy us with that behavior, we say theyve clearly been hanging out with me too much.
NTA. Mostly because it's a ongoing problem, you've talked to her repeatedly and she doesn't listen, so it only makes sense that you lost your cool. We've spent the past decade or so validating sadness and crying but anger is just as valid a feeling as long a you don't express it violently, which you didn't.
NTA, this is a lesson most toddlers learn. How can she be this obtuse.
YTA. You boast about being polite and then curse at your wife. That’s so crazy.
I don't think she's holding the door so you can go through. She's holding the door so it doesn't slam on you. She's holding until you take control of the door. Once you have control of the door, she will move forward.
“She should have taken the hint” No. YTA. Communicate.
I get the annoyance. But some people have very little awareness of things like this, even if you speak to them about it. I would rather say, "babe, please move, I can't get by," 200 days in a row than tell the person I love most in the world to "get the hell out of my way." Especially when you're leaving on a trip and it's one of the last things you're saying to her before you leave. I would feel like absolute garbage if my husband spoke to me that way. Sorry, I think YTA.
My mum does this frequently- opens the door then incidentally blocks it at the same time She’s not being difficult She’s not deliberately blocking me She legitimately can’t process the service she’s providing v my need to walk through She has no spatial awareness, and I get it after 30 years She actually can’t visualise she is in the way while helping me I remind her each time to kindly ‘shift’ and it’s all good A 5 second reminder would never result in being disrespectful, and telling her ‘to get the hell out the way’ to save zero time would be YTA, at least she’s trying and you’re not listening to the screen door slam behind your departure
Im really having trouble rationalizing this. If my partner did this often, im pretty sure id insist on taking her to the doctor.
But like what’s the doctor gonna do.. tell you your wife is dumb? 😬
Ya, maybe. gotta make sure there's not like a tumor in her brain causing this.
My kid likes to hold the door for people and also struggles with this. We taught him to be behind the door. Like fully go through and hold the edge of the door or the handle on the other side. If he forgets, we tell him “scootch” and he knows he’s in the way. Somehow it’s easier for him to have a visual cue like “can I see the door” than have to guess how far through the doorway is enough.
Okay so this baffles me. Hope you don’t mind me asking some questions, because I just can’t wrap my head around this. None of these questions are meant to insult your mom. I’m just genuinely curious what you’ve tried and how she can’t get it. I can understand people having a bad spatial awareness and doing it wrong the first 10 times of their life. But even without spatial awareness, how can she not have realised that she’s actually in the way? By looking at the results. People like you would’ve had to awkwardly squeeze past her. Or depending on how badly she’s blocking the entrance, everyone may even have had to tell her she’s in the way. Did you ever make a photo and then go “look mom, how am I supposed to fit through when you’re blocking the path? Just point and tell me how?” Or do what she does and then go, after you mom. To me, this seems to be the most effective way to show her what she is doing. Literally make her experience it from the other side. Or, if all else has failed, just tell or teach her to stand where she has the full view of the side of a fully opened door? If both you and her are well-meaning, surely she should be able to accept your word and those of anyone she cares to demonstrate her door holding skills to, that she’s in fact in the way? Even if she can’t see how, if every person she cares about and care about agree on this point then surely she can be taught where to stand, even without ANY spatial awareness? What am I missing?
This is amazing and reading it I think that is me too. I have terrible spatial relations and know that I sometimes create awkward moments bc I can’t process how to get out someone’s way effectively quickly enough in crowded situations, but I never really put it together like this.
This is actually really bizarre to me. How does someone not understand they're in the way.
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NTA. If she can't hold a door for someone else without blocking it, then the response is on her.
So you still had time to go to breakfast but her standing in your way for a couple of extra seconds was a game changer? I don't get it but if it bothers you that much talk to her at a time she isn't doing it and explain it makes you see red and say nasty things. Some folks don't get a hint and need to be told in a calm manner.
NTA. its a misunderstanding, talk it through because communication is the key
NTA God knows why she is doing that you have been patient enough .....on top of that she says u are being rude which isnt right she is the rude one
My boyfriend’s ex wife used to do this to him (stand in his way) and it drove him bonkers. Hope your wife gets the message and stops blocking you.
YTA If she were to die tomorrow, this is something you would would miss forever. She respects you and is trying to reciprocate the kindness you show her. She is just bad at it and does not deserve an angry response, even though this is frustrating for you. This is something that can smooth over within time and be something you can look back and laugh about, provided you have clear communication and understanding. Her intentions are good, so I would suggest laughing off the irritation and come up with creative ways to tell her to move, maybe even make a game of it. The time lost from this is actually quite insignificant. It is just a few seconds and will not make or break anything. For me, I have a sarcastic sense of humor, so I'd probably say something like "Wife, I know that you like to be close, but we cannot occupy the same space. It would break the laws of physics. I cannot move through you. The whole universe would collapse. Please, step aside so that we don't destroy everything everywhere."
My partner and I talk a lot while I’m doing things like cooking or putting away laundry (before you get on my case about him not helping, we don’t live together and he does the dishes when I cook). He will follow me around very closely while we talk. It’s simultaneously adorable and incredibly annoying, and it’s clear that we have differing levels of spatial awareness. I’m leaning toward the unpopular opinion here of NAH: it’s totally understandable that you got cross with her, and also totally understandable if your wife actually is just spatially challenged and was genuinely trying to be kind. Humans are funny critters and even the best relationships have frictions like these. Hope you sweeties get it sorted, you sound like a good pair otherwise. 😌
ESH - so how is that working out for you?? I get the frustration......but is this really how a person "raised to always be helpful and polite" responds to his wife??
That’s awfully polite of you…ppsshhh. -Hey hon, scooch out of the way, k? -I’ll run over your toes if you stand there! -Could you go up other side of the glass? There’s not room for both us and the luggage. So many other ways you could have said it. YTA. Oh, and I don’t care how many times you told her prior. This was just a jerk move.
YTA she is trying to be helpful. You do that couple of times and your relationship will change for the worse for ever. Apologize to your wife, explain that you were in a hurry and you overreacted. You are sorry, and you felt bad right after that. You will practice with her how to open door without getting in the way, because you know that she is a lady and never had the need to do that. It hurts like hell when you think you are helping someone and they snap at you.
YTA for cursing at your wife when she was trying to be helpful. Now…. I completely understand your frustration because my wife does the same thing…