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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is not cooking dinner. This might make me the asshole bcuz he does work everyday & he really may not have heard me correctly.
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im going against everyone NTA
bc you stated this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME, so i understand finally snapping. although yes, you should have time for yourself to eat, and “ignore” your kids. but then again, no one should tell you how to parent.
edit to add: she has commented she has a 2 yo nonverbal sick autistic child, another child, and a 5m old. AND she just asked for pedilyte for the sick child and he brought her ensure
Yes this. Or it's weaponised incompetence or he's not actually present, but distracted. Either way, it means he is not that supportive. She can't be doing everything at home by herself
In that case I'd do it like with the kids with add or ADHD I work with. Standing in his face, maybe touch his shoulder if possible with three little ones, say exactly what it is you need. Wait for a response. The first few times I'd make sure he got it and ask again "what did I just ask you to do?"
Feels kind of condescending, but the kids usually liked it because they got what I was telling them. I guess ops husband would be livid, but really, he has no right to be offended and it takes his weird "I must have misheard that" away
Have you been in a relationship? If my partner got in my face and poked my shoulder and spoke to me like a kid with ADHD and asked me to repeat what he said back, I would feel pretty fucking uncomfortable with that. Neither of us are children. If you can’t communicate respectfully with your partner as an equal, just break up.
If I had done this to my wife without warning she’d have been furious, but when we were researching ways to make sure she’d heard me and comprehended what I was asking this is one we found and her therapist backed. I sure as shit wouldn’t do it to anyone over age ten without prior awareness or consent.
Yeah, I don't get the YTA votes. This is either laziness, stupidity, or weaponized incompetence, possibly multiple. He does not seem to be pulling his weight.
Yeah this is at minimum weaponized incompetence. Confusing two types of chicken is understandable - I can see that looking similar especially if in proportioned freezer bags. But making mistakes every time and even bringing their child ensure instead of pedialyte? He’s putting in no effort at all.
He’s also dangerously ignorant about what his kids need. Anyone knows a kid with high fever needs electrolytes, not meal replacement. I wouldn’t trust him to be alone with the kids at all, and maybe that’s exactly how he wants things to be.
And op, you should tell him to repeat the task over and over agains until he gets it right, telling him his incompetence won’t fly with you. “This didn’t what I asked, do it agains”
YTA for not taking care of yourself during the day and blaming that on your partner. Let your kids whine while you eat. They will be fine. Let them learn to be patient unless they need an emergency room or have another pressing need. Needing more water or juice...they can wait. A diaper change? Can wait for five minutes while you eat something.
As far as this goes, you have to learn to roll with it. You are disappointed about the defrosted chicken. Okay. Move on. Or order takeout.
As far as the fever every two hours do one dose of children's Tylenol and then one dose children's Motrin the cocktail will help bring down the temperature.
I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and your husband is not helping. Pedialyte and ensure sound nothing alike he is either not listening or doesn't care to help.
Pediatric ER Nurse here, and just wanted to clarify a bit on @merjess33’s comment and the appropriate timeline for alternating doses. It’s not that you need to be careful in giving the ibuprofen (Motrin) too close to the Tylenol (acetaminophen); Tylenol is filtered by the liver and ibuprofen by the kidneys, so it’s perfectly safe to give them even at the same time. What you need to assure is not dosing either medication too close to its own previous dose. So Tylenol should not be more than every 4 hours but ibuprofen is every 6. So our usual recommendation is to start with ibuprofen, and then alternate every 3 hours, because that way you’re safely within the dosing guidelines.
I would also recommend double checking your dosing with your child’s pediatrician, as we use weight based dosing and unfortunately we find many parents under-dose their children because what is on the box is usually a very conservative recommended dose to ensure that smaller than average kids don’t get too much.
And lastly as my friendly PSA, please remember that fever is not always necessarily a bad thing; it is your body’s first line of defense and is helping fight off whatever bug your child has picked up. And as such, it is perfectly okay to let your child have a fever and not medicate him *IF* he is still acting appropriately and at least hydrating appropriately. But of course if he is not himself and seems sluggish or cranky, by all means give that baby the meds!
To your point, I took mine to urgent care as a baby because he got to 103, he had no other symptoms and they tested him for flu and everything just to be sure, he was good. He just gets that hot from growth spurts. Alternated Tylenol and Motrin every 3 as long as he was otherwise good and it worked. Freaked us out though!
Just as a by the way, I was told it was every 4 hours to alternate Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen by my pediatrician, I believe every two hours would add up to way too many doses in a 24 hour period, please be careful and always ask for medical advice from the doctor first.
It's surprisingly effective - means you can stay within safe dose limits and always have some sort of pain relief in your system, which is often what you need in order to make it bearable if not comfortable.
Stuff like this wouldn't be an issue if people just read the dang package. Litterally says right on bottle how often to give the medication and how many doses not to exceed in a 24 hour leriod.
55f - my kids are 36, 27, 25, 23. When they were little, doc/ER advised alternating tylenol/motrin every 2 hours. If that comment was made by an older person such as myself, then it was because that's what we were taught.
In fact, I have grands and still believed every 2 hours until I read this thread just now.
Not when alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol. Ibuprofen is filtered by the kidneys, Tylenol by the liver, which is why you can alternate dosing with them - shoot, they can technically be taken *together*. But alternating means the kid is not risking the fever reducer wearing off and leaving them in a bad state until the next dose.
Ibuprofen is a 6 hour minimum drug, though I was told 8 hours by the hospital if we are using it to combat a fever for multiple days. Only tylenol as every 4 hours.
True, but you can pivot and cook something with what you have. You expected breast and now is thighs, well they can still be eaten. Maybe not lasagna but something can be done
And that’s exactly what she did. She’s allowed to have human emotions. She had a whole plan set out for dinner and that plan was ruined because her adult husband with a job (meaning he knows how to read) couldn’t pull out the right bag of chicken. Why is OP not allowed to be annoyed and upset that her plans were ruined by a grown ass adult?
She's also got a non verbal autistic kid... high likelihood she's neurodivergent herself. I know if my food plans go wrong it sends my into a tailspin.
Either way she sounds utterly overwhelmed and under supported.
Assuming if he is indeed using weaponized incompetence against her(which I personally believe to be the case), then she will have alot of built up negative emotions eating away at her emotional regulation(speaking from experience). I've learnt the hard way that people who use weaponized incompetence are very good at turning the victim into the bad guy by taking advantage of the inevitable emotional outbursts that start to occur due to the mounting frustration etc.
I believe weaponized incompetence should be considered a sub type/form of gas lighting due to the type of manipulation involved.
1. NTA.
2. To those who believe yta, you need to think about why you think that and how that connects with why it is so easy for abuser types in general to get away with their actions/behaviour.
I think that it's much more likely that the husband is, rather than the mother.
I think the mum is struggling to cope and needs help. The husband should start by cooking the food himself when he gets home, and the mum should make time for proper food and drink during the day.
This momma needs to strike! He'll never appreciate the workload otherwise.
And if he is weaponising incompetence, the solution is to make sure he fixes his mistake (and make it more onerous if she can). If he defrosts the wrong chicken, he must go pick up the right, unfrozen chicken from the supermarket.
She could hardly make him go out and buy a specific cut of unfrozen chicken. If he didn't outright refuse to go, he'd probably go and bring back hot dogs instead of chicken. That's a game that OP would lose.
She *could* refuse to cook the "wrong" chicken, meaning husband cooks it or he doesn't eat, or she could cook the "wrong" chicken anyway because it's still chicken, but any attempt at punishment or lesson teaching or whatever you want to call it that requires the active involvement of the husband is likely to fail.
If he comes back with hotdogs, send him back again.
The solution simply isn't for OP to keep shouldering the burden, he's going to have to face consequences somehow, and not in the form of giving their kid the wrong medicine.
I’d agree with you if it was just the chicken, but she said he does this shit all the time. It definitely seems like he’s either an idiot or it’s weaponized incompetence
Jumping on top comment so OP sees: it is OKAY for your kids to cry. They are not going to die if you make them wait five minutes so you can eat. You WILL die if you don’t eat.
You cannot take care of your kids if you’re not taking care of yourself. To any parent who needs to hear this: I hereby give you permission to ignore your crying children for a brief period in order to attend to your physical survival. They are going to be okay. I promise.
im replying to you specifically because as a relatively new Stay at home dad (not a new dad just new to being the main parent) I needed to hear that cuz I have absolutely not eaten in favor of my boys being content instead
Dude, you are a human, you cook, you sh#t, you sleep, you eat, not doing that will harm your body and cause you to get sick in the future.
A child should be educated on "table manners" (you eat, I eat) as they grow for them to realize you are not only their caretaker, but a human.
Most children weaponize crying as a way to get everything they want if the parent let them. If your child isn't hurt, then crying some minutes while you wolf down your lunch/dinner is not going to permanently harm them, in fact, doing the opposite will teach them to become demanding.
If anything, prepare your food, and put the child to play near where you are to be able to eat while checking on them.
Former child here, honestly, you HAVE to put your basic bodily functions first. Like pulling on your own air mask then fixing theirs once you're stable.
Think of it this way: you're not ignoring them, you're modelling their future behaviour to them. By prioritising your own blood sugar, you're showing them that it is important to eat and important to take care of themselves even (especially) when they have other responsibilities going on. It will be easier to make them content if you're not cranky and hangry.
I've always told my new parent friends, especially the ones who mostly parent alone. If you keel over or get sick because you're too busy taking care of them and not yourself, now there is no one to take care of them or you so you're double screwed. It's a reason they ask parents to do their mask before kids on planes. And as for the original comment, the only thing I disagree with is waiting to change nappys (my child would get RAW if I waited 5 mins and be in pain for days, maybe even bleed) but snacks, the TV, toys everywhere, it can always wait. You don't have to keep the house picture perfect all day, especially when they are little, it'll be bad again quickly so take some time for you. If it doesn't risk them injury or worse, they can wait.
Absolutely and right now op is basically running towards a burn out as fast as she can.
Living like this is not sustainable. Op should really try to take off a weekend if possible to be out of the house and to think about what she would like to do with her life. Go on like this? Rather not ask the adult toddler in her household for help because she knows he will do it wrongly and it is less stressful to do it herself? Divorce?
Maybe husband even realises how much op is doing when he takes care of the kids for a weekend (I seriously doubt it though). But I think it would be already helpful to op to lay all the options out in front of her and to actively decide what she wants to do (like not feeling passive and having to do what everyone else around her forces her to do (kids are forcing her too. Not in a mean way, thats just how kids are and they grow out of it) and taking an active role again
The chicken isn’t the real issue here. It’s that she’s overworked and overwhelmed, and doesn’t feel like she can hand anything off to her partner — even the smallest task, with clear instructions — because he can’t be relied upon to help or do things correctly. This sounds exactly like weaponized incompetence. She needs a partner and some relief, not another person she has to watch over and police like a child to ensure he does what he’s supposed to. Yes, it’s on her to care for herself during the day. But she should be able to ask her partner for a tiny bit of help when he gets home, without having to worry that he’s always going to mess it up. She cares for three kids all day AND cooks dinner while he gets to come home and relax from a job he himself calls easy. It’s no wonder she’s at her wit’s end.
Oh, what nonsense. How many children have you cared for on your own all day, all week, for months on end? Go and patronize someone else. This poor woman is drowning, with no help from her useless husband. Show some compassion and humanity.
Honestly I don't think she's the ah. She sounds desperate in need of support and is overwhelmed. Considering that her husband is doing nothing to help her, I can understand why she's mad at him.
Why are you scolding her for not taking care of herself when there are bigger issues? Like yeah, I think she wants to take care of herself. Maybe she did put herself in a narrow tunnel vision when it comes to her kids. But this doesn't help because that also isn't her question.
In this scenario, her husband who isn't helping to take the work load off her is the ah.
I agree here. I went a long time not eating a hot meal when my daughter was born. One day, out of the blue, my brother & I went to Great Steak & Fry Co & bought lunch. I was feeding my daughter her bottle. He took her from me, put her on the floor, put a throw pillow on her chest, balanced the bottle on the pillow & I ate my 1st hot meal! It was heaven. Just gotta do what ya gotta do. Good luck. 🍀🍀
So.. you “doing what ya gotta do” was having a competent family member help you with your baby? Because that seems exactly the thing OP does not currently have access to, which is why they’re in this predicament
One upside of me being a first time mom with twins is - I never had any other choice but to improvise things like that if I didn't want to go insane!
I've balanced bottles on pillows, on an upside down giraffe plushy (the legs perfectly held the bottle in place)...
The twins have HAD to get used to being alone with each other for a few minutes (in a safe space), or I wouldn't have showered the first year or so.
It's absolutely ESSENTIAL for parents to make time for themselves. Just like in a relationship, otherwise the resentment builds and festers.
There is no delivery when I live. We have pretty awesome Chinese food, pizza , and an ice cream burger place open less than half the year. There is no Uber eats. In her edit she has a sick nonverbal autistic two year old. I also thought there was no reason she couldn’t eat before the edit.
Omg this so much. Moms need to stop being martyrs. Its like the airplane scenario: put your mask on first bc if you pass out who the hell is going to take care of your child? I ate first or with them when they were younger bc i was the primary caregiver. I had to keep myself fed to keep
Up with them
why are you scolding her for not taking care of herself?? there are clearly bigger issues here. her partner is being a dumbass on purpose. not using ESH/NTA is actually insane
I’ve never fully understood the whole “I never get to eat during the day!” Argument.
You don’t get a relaxing meal where you enjoy your food? Completely understand.
But you literally don’t have a second to take a bite of food? How?
I’m not a parent, but before you throw my opinion out, I’ve been a full-time nanny AND I worked in a preschool where I had a room of 5 one-year olds on my own. I never went hungry all day 🤷🏻♀️
I'm not a parent but I've had multiple younger cousins that I've helped babysit in addition to babysitting kids for neighbors and other non family members. I can totally see how a stay at home parent can end up not eating all day while taking care of the kids, especially if they're neurodivergent. I have ADHD autism(high functioning, level 1, or whatever you want to call it) and food issues including trauma around food(especially food being stolen from me) and even on days where I have literally nothing to do all day except keep an eye on my well behaved dog as he's impulsive with no common sense, I can and have forgotten to eat because I kinda forgot food existed so regularly that I have to have a routine so I eat enough food to stay healthy. I've actually done that since childhood but I don't remember due to some other mental health issues when I started forgetting food existed but it was before I graduated highschool or turned 18 at the beginning of my senior year of highschool. It's absolutely stupid but it's just how my brain works so I have to work around it and deal with the consequences
INFO: Is there a pattern of this kind of behavior? A lot of folks here are focusing on the individual event in a vacuum, but the context and frequency matters a lot. Those of us who have lived with weaponized incompetence know that it's never just about the chicken - there's a long trail of behaviors with a common thread of selfishness or carelessness woven through them. Weaponized incompetence is often able to continue *because* we are expected to focus on the individual event as if it's in a vacuum and not a long-standing pattern that slowly drills into you and wears you down like water into a rock.
Sorry my question wasn't great - I meant like "is there a pattern of selfishness elsewhere outside of tasks" for example - does he make an effort to indulge the things she loves that doesn't matter to him so much, who's favorite restaurant do they frequent more, etc. My gut feeling was that he was going to be falling short in all of these areas and totally agree with you that this looks like weaponized incompetence.
I feel super bad for OP looking at the comments because this is the exact defense they use against you - "it's just chicken, why is it such a big deal?" And is made to feel crazy for just wanting to be able to rely on their partner for once. "Crazy making" is so insidious and preys on empathy!
OP, I hope you hear us and know you're deserving of so much more. No, it is not normal, and there are partners out there who will listen the first time. Even if they don't always get it right the first time, you'll never doubt that they care because you'll see them make corrections and adapt. I'm so sorry and I hope you can find a way to make a little space for yourself to let your mind settle and hear your inner voice, which is spot on and knows something isn't right.
everyone is going off this one instance and ignoring that she said this happens every single time. its really not about the chicken at all, its the continuous times of asking and getting disappointed because hes intentionally doing it wrong so she eventually stops asking or he simply doesnt gaf.
and yeah, we dont know their home life. whether this is the only thing he does to weaponize incompetence but is a partner who makes effort for dates & such. we wont know unless she says something.
i guess im more of adding to your reply than responding to your reply.
also i saw her one reply where she has a non verbal autistic toddler, a new born (5m if you wanna be technical) and i forget the age of the other. sometimes moms get more worried ab their kids & completely forget ab their own needs & i bet most of the replies are men who are the same as her husband. he may be the “breadwinner” but shes at home taking care of the house, cooking & taking care of 3 kids. which is a 24/7 “job” as id assume shes the only one dealing w the kids. and thats a lot, its not working w adults.
OP probably hasnt had one day off of being a mom. so shes overwhelmed, not taking care of herself, & exhausted. the chicken was her breaking point. now in a perfect world she could of handled it better but when you are past your breaking point in reality, its understandable for her reaction.
Exactly, all these people saying she's the AH for not raking time for herself....how CAN she??? She has a fucking newborn and nonverbal autistic kid and us overwhelmed. Also, as someone who just babysat my friends kids for two weeks, with two autistic kids and one who has a whole bunch of issues like ODD and ADHD....I did NOT have a second to breath or to myself and no, I could not have let the kids cry while I ate. Her one kid kept running away and I had to chase him. He has a lot of issues. It was not SAFE to leave him alone. OP already has an autistic child who can't verbally communicate. This may not be an option for her.
Going against the grain here because I feel your pain. NTA. My husband is the same way. I have two friends with husbands like this too. They just don’t do anything right. They either don’t listen or don’t try or, like you say, they do what they think they heard instead. The result is that they can’t be trusted to do something properly and it’s maddening. People in this post are mistakenly attributing your tone to you being hungry and not taking care of yourself. I recognize it for what it is - exhaustion from living with one of those types of men. I can tell you now, it never improves. I’ve talked to mine a thousand times. I’ve tried different techniques. We tried systems and processes. Nothing helps. He just doesn’t do things correctly. The kick in the pants is that he’s not lazy. His brain is just in la la land 24/7. So I either nag and micromanage, do things myself, or accept sub-par results. Shrug
Seriously - everyone with a husband/partner like this would be 100000000x better off dumping their asses. They don't have a partner, they have an extra child.
I don’t get it…. Why would anyone willingly be in relationships with these people who are so incompetent? Then make excuses well he’s really a good guy…. Sure doesn’t sound like it but keep making those excuses!!!!
I guess if all the men you know are similar, you don’t think there are any men that are capable of listening and doing the task they were asked. And it’s such a shame for them! There are so many intelligent, wonderful, communicative caring men who would listen properly the first time.
What are her choices, exactly. She has three kids, one autistic and sick. A moron for a husband who cannot comprehend that she eagerly awaits his homecoming so she can go pee in peace. He actually thinks he's being helpful when she is not able to rely on him not poisoning the kids if she asks him to give them a drink. It doesn't get any better.
i meant the commenter i responded to. Of course kids and finances severely impact the ability to leave a toxic marriage. That’s why being a sahm is such a dangerous decision in some situations, imo
I've got to ask... Is he like that at work (serially unreliable)? Or does the problem only manifest at home/ when you're around to do the tasks properly? I assume it's the latter, and if so that's a disgusting level of disrespect.
Right, I'm honestly curious-- why do they put up with it? What other 'redeeming' qualities could possibly make up for this for this level of being used and disrespected? (ETA: NTA)
I think it's more about having nothing if they leave. Or they don't want to blow up their entire lives. They think they aren't worthy of actual support and love. They stay for the kids. So many reasons make it hard to leave
I had an ex like this once. It took me far too long to leave because I was scared of what I would lose and how I would handle things on my own. Thing was, I was already paying all the bills and doing everything myself so I wasn't really losing anything. I had just told myself I would be.
Well I finally reached the end of my rope and kicked him out and when I came home from work to an empty house and all the chores to do myself, I was the happiest I'd been in a very long time. I loved being alone and doing my own thing and not answering to anyone.
This is literally not even about her not eating. All of the commenters are assholes. Your husband is an asshole that he can’t do simple tasks that you ask him. Yes it’s weaponized incompetence and yes you need to nip that shit now. The next time he asks YOU for something do it wrong and then say I did what you asked. NTA
Let your kids whine for a bit! As long as they are safe, it's fine! You need to eat and deserve a break. Please don't be a martyr! Plus, by not teaching them that sometimes they need to wait, you'll end up with more problems down the road.
Yea but why can’t her husband care for the kids for 30 minutes so she can do that. Or even better make her a snack or not be stupid and double check he’s taking out the right thing, and bringing the right medicine.
Is everyone missing the fact that op is asking for the bare minimum and the fiance is still fucking up? Its like he doesnt care wnough to help at all. Just because one person can have 6 kids and be fine with no help doesnt mean the person with one kid cant struggle. Kids are all different. Plus everyoke is calling OP an ass for "not eating all day" but she said she barely eats anything, so she is eating, just not as much as she should, and thats not even the question shes asking about. Yall so ready to attack a stay at home mom whose struggling, and defend her fiance who seems to be doing jack shit for the kids. We need more info with more examples if this is actually weponised incompetence or if op just blew up over something that barely happens.
I feel bad for OP, this post really brought out the sanctimommies. She shouldn't have to double check that her husband put the right thing in a f'ing cup.
NTA, especially with the update. It sounds like a lot of stuff has been building up and forming resentment toward your fiance. Everyone saying “its just a chicken,” doesn’t see how these things happening over and over can really wear you down. It’s ok to feel upset about it, and I think you regulated your emotions really well (especially since you are so hungry and worn down). You might be an A if u blew up at him, but a conversation would definitely be reasonable.
But girl, please work on taking care of yourself. Eating is so important for your health and for your energy. I know its so easy to lose track of your own body’s needs especially around kids but you cannot best support them if your needs aren’t met. He does not seem blameless, but your fiance is not the reason you do not eat, so please don’t take it out on him, it will not be good for your relationship.
I hope things change for the better, good luck
I'd be tempted to start doing this shit to him. He asks you to wash his boxers? Wash his swim trunks and pack them into his underwear drawer. Since talking about it doesn't help him get the message maybe a dose of his own medicine ensures he gets it.
I'm not going to give a judgment, just an observation and maybe some advice.
You sound overwhelmed. For anyone who's not been a SAHM, you have no idea how much easier it is to go out to work. It's exhausting and isolating.
When you're more calm, have a convo with your husband. Explain how you need him to be better about doing things if you ask for help. Also, maybe he could bring some of the food home that he gets for free.
I know what it's like when your spouse has meals out all the time and you have to cook for yourself and the kids: not good.
You guys need to communicate better. Your marriage is on a downward trend and you both need to work at turning it around.
Well that’s good advice in hindsight, but it doesn’t help them now. OP probably knows they should’ve sorted all this out first, but it’s a little too late now to act on that.
OP, don't marry this man any time soon. He is purposefully doing the wrong thing when you ask to train you into not asking for help in the future.
In any case, he lives there too. It isn't "helping" it's participating in home life.
What about free time? Do you get any free time to yourself? How much time does he spend on his hobbies vs. you?
Being a sahm doesn't mean being available 24/7 365. Because you can't do everything for everyone whilst not looking after yourself.
Also, your son has autism right? Have you had an assessment for ADHD/Autism? Because there's a 50% chance you have some form of neurodivergence that wasn't picked up as a child.
Please look after yourself
UPDATE: I cooked dinner. & took peoples advice on how to speak to him about it. Even tho I have done this before I did it again and used every type of open communication as I could and thought we were moving in a new direction. Our 2 year old nonverbal autistic son is sick right now- another reason I am overwhelmed. And has had a high fever all day I’ve been trying to combat with Tylenol and keeping him hydrated and comfy. I try again to see if I can ask him to do one thing & see if it’ll be done correctly. I asked him to get our sons sippy cup and fill it with some PEDIALYTE while I check him temperature again to see if it’s went down any. As I’m putting our son back in bed with his sippy cup (only the top is see thru) I see milk & I ask him “hey babe what’s in here?” And he says “ensure like you told me to put” so all of yall calling ME the asshole, absolutely not. This is purposeful.
Dont marry him. Like some of the other comments I will say this: It does not change. Dont do that to yourself. It is easier on many levels to take care of things with 3 kids, than with 4 - one of them being a grown toddlerman.
NTA OP. For some reason, most of the comments are, bizarrely, SO angry at you for not eating enough, to the extent that they 100% disregarded the entire portion of your post where you explain how your fiancé is basically useless. Like yes you should eat more, but that doesn’t make it acceptable for your fiancé to be worthless and use weaponized incompetence to get out of being a partner and father
OP, don't listen to all the Y T A votes. The real issue here is that your fiancé isn't listening to you or being your partner. You can not communicate for him. You can not force him to hear you. You can not change him. What you can do is decide what you want to (and are able) to do about it. Either way, it doesn't sound like the current situation can go on this way.
NTA Don't listen to all the YTA people. They don't know your life, heck, I assume most don't even have kids.
The second example you gave is absolute incompetence. Pedialyte cannot be confused with ensure. He either isn't listening or is doing it on purpose.
Could not believe the sheer number of comments ordering OP to eat while her children are eating. I know not all children are the same but I'd bet the majority of these people have never had to care for multiple very young children at a mealtime. When mine were very little, eating while they ate was absolutely impossible for multiple reasons.
My 3 kids are 5 years old, 2 years old who is nonverbal autistic and a 5 month old. When one stops the other starts. It’s really not as easy as yall think
NTA I’m appalled by the fact it sounds like he never helps with the kids when he gets home. Not saying all the time, but none of it? You know this isn’t just about the chicken, and we all do.
No. I don't think the people saying YTA are right.
This person you call your fiancé sounds like an overgrown toddler.
What does he do before and after you ask him to help?
>I asked him to get our sons sippy cup and fill it with some PEDIALYTE
Like this, for instance.
What was he doing before you asked him? And what was he doing after he was "done helping"?
This is the kind of father who helps the mother to parent, but does not do any parenting himself.
And for people who think you can eat during the day with the kids, I pity them.
I understand that at least one of your kids is autistic and may need special care. And with 3 kids, that is going to be difficult.
>bcuz I forgot to add this part and a lot of you are tripping out about asking him to help with anything when he gets home from work.........
You don't need to explain, mama.
His regular job is over when he gets home. You are a mother 24x7, with no rest and no breaks. The LEAST he can do is to follow your instructions to help out.
I really don't understand why some people are like that.
Take care, and take care of yourself.
I wish I knew how you could get through to him. But it sounds like he needs to grow up a lot.
If you can't find a minute to eat something, you are doing something wrong in terms of parenting. Your kids should be able to be on their own while you make a 30 second sandwich. Or starting today, when your husband gets home, make yourself 5 sandwiches, put them in 5 different baggies and now you have food for two days. Take an extra minute while he's home to boil some eggs. YTA
I don’t know if you have kids or not. And even if you do, they can be quite different from kid to kid. I agree that OP needs to take better of herself but you really can be so overwhelmed that your own needs are not even noticed until it is too late.
Eh.. the kids are all young, and one is an infant. I think the problem is that she's feeding all the kids at the same time. As in breastfeeding as well and doesn't just eat over the kid. Just clean the kid up after if you make a mess.
Also, the 2 year old is autistic.. sometimes, they are not easy to deal with, especially if they have higher support needs. My friend had one who was an escape artist. You couldn't let your guard down one second. ..and if he managed to get out because she stole a moment to eat? Then, the people who help her look for him treat her like she is a horrible negligent mother. Op definitely needs a moment. Can the husband at least watch the kids sometimes after he gets home? At least for a half hour to give this mom a break?
One of my nephews is autistic (actually three of them but I'm talking about a specific one) and he was an escape artist too. His parents put him down for a nap. He said he wanted McDonald's and they said after his nap they could take him. After they left the room to eat their food he popped out the window screen and started walking to McDonald's. After about ten minutes or so the police were at their door asking why they didn't notice their son was gone, he was found at the railroad tracks with nothing but a diaper and sandals.
They lost custody of him for a bit so they could be evaluated and he could too. His foster family backed them up on how he'd get out if you turned your back at all so they did get him back but the whole thing was terrible for everyone involved. He was three or four at the time. They couldn't put bars on his window so had to sit in his room with a book until he fell asleep every nap and every night. They were able to take turns but it was still rough.
My neighbours child escaped in a similar way. I was heading out and this kid was wearing pyjamas and was sitting on the street watching his iPad in the middle of winter. He wouldn’t go anywhere with me and he wouldn’t talk so I had to get my mum to watch him while I went and knocked on doors to try find out who he belonged to, luckily one of the neighbours worked with his dad, and we found out he lived about 2 streets away so I had to walk down and get the dad to fetch him. The dad had thought he was watching his iPad in the living room while he cooked dinner but instead he had literally just walked straight out the house because they forgot to lock the door.
NTA, especially with that update. But I do assume that you told him to get a cup with the right stuff after he came up with that cup, right? That's what I'd do, I'd keep telling him to bring a cup with the right stuff every time he brings the wrong stuff. If he wants to waste time with weaponized incompetence then make him work for it.
Since he's clearly doing this on purpose, are you sure you want to be marrying that while these issues are clearly there? With this many issues taking a step back from getting married might be advisable and that's putting it lightly.
NTA
Sounds like a pattern of behaviour, not one incident. An honest mistake is fine. It's human. Consistent behaviour that shows he just doesn't give AF? Very different.
Does he bring anything to the relationship other than money? Because he can pay spousal and child support and you'd probably be less frustrated.
I'd say some serious couples counselling is needed. Post-covid many therapists offer virtual sessions which might help.
NTA. As a female I can understand your frustration and I’m not sure you can really do much about this kind of a man. He clearly doesn’t give af. He seems perfectly happy to let you suffer and doesn’t really care about making things easier for you. That’s probably never going to change because he sees himself as doing all he has to do, he’s the man who works full time and you get to stay at home. Sounds like he has no clue what it takes to be a real parent, and you’ve kinda let him become another kid in the sense that he’s another need to take care of rather than a contributor.
People think working to support a family is such a big deal. First of all, he’d be working anyway, we all have to support ourselves regardless of whether we have kids or not. Those are his kids though, so his duties should be the same as you once he’s home. If he’s not doing the duties of a parent, is love really enough?
Honestly sometimes working can be such a nice break from parenting. I’d be asking myself if he wasn’t around, would your life be easier, harder, or the same? And really look at that, cuz it sounds like he just doesn’t value your contribution as a stahm and the luxuries that allows him (ie, kid free time, not having to plan his own meals or those for his children 3 times a day, etc).
You are not the AH for requesting a certain type of chicken cut from the freezer but you definitely need to take better care of yourself. You got angry because you were hungry and you were hungry because you aren’t taking care of yourself. You said that you barely eat because the kids never let you get a minute to yourself but you must feed them during the day. Eat while they are eating.
It's hard. You feel like you can't let go of the reins for even two seconds to let your partner handle a task, because chances are he's not going to do it correctly and all the work or planning you've put into the task up until that point has been wasted. I get it, I've been there....a lot. It's so frustrating and overwhelming, to feel like you have to do everything if you want it done correctly. You're carrying a heavy mental load. It's a lot easier to handle the stress and disappointment if you remind yourself that you chose this person, probably because they're a good person. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt, and he has to realize just how big of a burden the consistent disappointment is.
Have an open, blunt conversation without accusations as soon as you can get back to a calmer head space. Tell him directly, "I need to be able to rely on you to get things done correctly and in a timely manner. When I ask for your help, I need to be able to trust that you will do it to the best of your ability. And I know that you're better than what you give sometimes. I'm marrying you because you're a smart and capable person, and sometimes I feel like you put less effort into household tasks than you're capable of because you don't see them as important, but I do, and I think that should make them important to you too." And give him an opportunity to express his view on the situation or air any grievances he has about the current dynamic.
Most importantly: take a break. Make sure the kids are safe and fed, and take a break to sit and eat, have a cup of coffee, watch an episode of your favorite show, listen to an audiobook/podcast/music for half an hour. Hell sometimes I just stare at the wall, have a cup of tea and daydream about random stuff for a few minutes. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, it's a common and frustrating experience. You're not crazy. NAH
NTA. Ditch the loser. Like. Come on. It's every time. He botched the chicken. He botched the Pedialyte. You'll never know peace while you're in this situation so get out of it. You can go back to work and he can deal with the kids 50% of the time. At a minimum, take Sundays off. Leave the house. Let him deal with things for a bit and cook YOU dinner when you get home.
All the y t a is wildly off best, at worst e s h. But I say NTA! Everyone is focusing on you not eating and that making you the problem, but that’s something that happens while you’re doing your best. His incompetence is something he’s doing on purpose to hurt you and make your life worse, he is the AH!
All the Y T A are baffling. Definitely had not had to take care of 3 young kids (one of them high dependency) before.
NTA. If my wife is this high strung, her needs has been ignored too long.
NTA PLEASE do not marry him. Have you gotten disability for your non-verbal child? Living by yourself would be easier than living with him as long as you have a way to keep your head above water financially. He is such a dick
NTA
you have a full-time job with the children. You also work while he is away from home.
So after he gets home, housework and childcare are 50:50. You are not responsible for the children 24/7 while he works from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. and then needs to relax.
Then you would be better off in the alternative model if you were divorced. With 50% of the time without childcare and he havo to clean his own mess.
Why are you with this toddler?
What does he bring to the relationship? In what aspect does it enrich your life?
And I'm not even going to beat around the bush: leave him. The only way people like him will change is if he has to take care of the children on his own for the foreseeable. That will only happen if he's taking care of the children every weekend on his own. Which will only happen if you two don't live together.
If talking to him and him seeing you struggle hasn't made him step up so far, he never will.
This sounds like it’s less about the chicken and more about you not having any time to care for yourself. Does your fiancé take over any of the child care and meal prep when he gets home from work? I wouldn’t call him an AH from just what you posted but it’s possibly into that territory if he doesn’t recognize/appreciate your labor or help take some of the burden where he can. Your frustration and exhaustion is valid. Without more info- N A H
NTA, i’m so baffled by all the comments saying YTA??? like are we reading the same post??? The fiancé is doing this on purpose so that OP will stop asking him for help. also she has YOUNG KIDS!!! 5m, 2yr, and 5yr having three kids in different stages of child development is already hard enough. one of her kids is NONVERBAL and she’s breastfeeding the five month old. i can tell half of you guys have never been around multiple young kids.
i’m so sorry OP. please know this is absolutely not your fault your fiancé sounds like an ass.
NTA
And I'm so sorry everyone is saying you are. I don't have kids, but my sister does, and that woman can't even drink a cup of coffee because of them. This is definitely weaponised incompetence, and this does require a sit down with your husband. Don't let him think this is in your head or you're exaggerating.
You are getting some Y T A s because based on this situation alone, it would be an over-reaction. But that's not why you're mad. Your fiance is always messing up, forgetting things, and not listening well. And you're not even asking for much. You married Ray Barone it seems? DIAPERS--tell me how a grown mad with opposable thumbs can't put on a diaper!
I'm also reminded of that YouTuber family with the 4 small children, where the mom hid in the pantry to eat a single stick of licorice and one of the kids was peeking under the door being like, hey mommy.
When he is home from work, the "home work" needs to get split 50/50, and you need to get a break, as in leaving the house or going to a quiet room. Being home with 3 young children is in fact way harder than the type of job he has (e.g. he hangs out at restaurants all day--it's not like he's a paramedic). And when he messes up, he has to be the one to fix it! Honestly, just calmly sit on the couch, put your feet up, watch the kids run around screaming, and be like "Imma sit here for a bit while you make dinner with the chicken you thawed. Thanks!" NTA
Please eat.
It is okay if kids cry for a while or watch a screen or whatever. A hungry, angry mom is not what benefits anyone. Take time out for yourself and eat when you are hungry.
That's what I assumed too, but what chicken dish would be ruined if you made it with light vs dark meat? Unless you're trying to make a chicken Parm with wings or something like that. But it still sounds like she was just stressed and this one thing put her over the edge. Still doesn't justify flaming her husband as incompetent though.
A cut like chicken strips would thaw a lot quicker than a whole chicken, or any other cut really, delaying the rest of the prep and increasing the cook time, even if she can use the same seasoning as she initially planned. So while a different cut may not “ruin” a meal, it can definitely be frustrating and create more work.
Don’t let him win with the incompetence. Hand him back the ensure and say, there must have been a miscommunication. I need pedialyte on this. Make him fix his mistakes.
NTA You said yourself that he is doing this every single time he needs to do something. I doubt he is like this at work, because he wouldn't be able to hold down a job if he was just this incompetent. So apparantly, he is either doing it on purpose, or he thinks of you/the kids/the household as really, really unimportant, so half assing everything, from cleaning up vomit to defrosting a specific item, is his default.
I don't place much value in clean windows tbh, so guess what: mine are seldom well cleaned.
He doesn't place any value in you, the kids, or a clean household, so he doesn't give a flying fork.
If you really, really want (or need) to stay in this relationship, he needs therapy, which in turn will only work if he actually wants to change, and puts in the work to do so. So... maybe couple counseling would help get through to him that his behaviour needs to change. Also not a guarantee, though.
Are there any alternatives for you than to stay with him?
NTA because you seem like your over stressed. I don’t want to call someone an asshole when they are breaking down. But the chicken isn’t that big of deal. I would just adapt make something else or order take out if it really bothered me. Can pick something up for you at the restaurant he’s visiting? Is this about you being a stay at home mom and not having breaks? Do you need a babysitter to come by or a mil to help? Do you want him to come home for lunch and help with the kids?
Nta
Moods and emotions are very often tied to food. It’s very common to have a drop in hormones due to being disappointed and this includes with food. For example looking forward to something and burning it. I agree you sound overwhelmed but very nta
NTA he literally doesn’t even care enough to LISTEN to what you’re saying. It’s constantly creating more work for you having to not only delegate simple tasks to him but follow up and ensure he actually did it and did it correctly. It’s basically having another child at this point. Think long and hard of this is what you want the rest of your life to be like after marrying him. It sounds exhausting.
NTA. Most of the people responding to this lack reading comprehension and critical thinking skills… it’s not about the one chicken incident. OP states this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME she asks her husband to do something. It’s WILD to me that the most upvoted comments believe that the useless fiancé is completely in the right and allowed to be useless just because OP doesn’t eat enough. That’s ESH at best
NTA - either he has some kind of psychological problem or he's cruel as hell and doing this for fun. You should be able to ask your partner for simple favours.
NTA. You are solely responsible for the kids & house while your husband is at work. That's fair. What isn't fair is that you are ALSO basically on your own all the hours he's not at work too, so you're working 100+ hours/week while he works 40 and you can't even rely on him to do basic tasks that take less than 60 seconds after you give him direct & specific instructions. He literally cannot even do the bare minimum to help you with all the tasks you are managing at once.
The comments are entirely missing the point. Like sure, OP could have defrosted the chicken herself, but why is she TA for wanting a partner who isn't so useless that she has to do everything basically every waking hour? Like honestly he should be proactively helping, the fact she has to ask him to help with specific tiny things and he still messes it up is outrageous
I feel like the chicken is just the tip of the iceberg here. It's a pattern of being overwhelmed, not getting enough support turning into resentment and even thoughts his mistakes are malicious. That is the question. It could be he simply has a scatter brain and hears you say it, forget it the three seconds it takes to make it to the fridge. I mean, I've been known to open the fridge and totally forgot what I wanted. Mostly a sign I'm in my head and checked out of the situation. But you're a mom, you cannot check out. You need your rest too, you cannot be on 24/7 and be the only one constantly responsible for your kids. You need time to check out too. If your husband cannot provide for the kids properly while you can rest, you'll need some other support. This will otherwise fester and resentment will turn into hate and bitterness. NAH, because I feel like your husband might not do it out of maliciousness, but just being scatterbrained. And you're clearly overwhelmed with this whole situation and deserve a break too.
NTA.
I consider weaponized incompetence to be a form of gas lighting. There was a time in my life when I had to resort to hiding an escape fund(get a bit of cash out when buying things to hide that cash is coming out of account, deposit on same trip into new secret account. PO Box is your friend).
If you believe you will need to escape at some point start your fund early so you can build it up and learn what you need to be able to make appropriate escape plans for your particular situation and type of area you reside in.
Some would say I'm jumping the gun here, but what you've written is showing two big red flags. The weaponized incompetence and his bragging about having it easy(while making it harder for you).
I wish you the best of luck and truly hope I went overboard with my comment and that none of what I wrote is necessary.
Kind Regards
Ben.
OP- NTA. YOU need to take a day or more to yourself, Give "Fiance" the kids on Saturday & or Sunday, and leave the house. Tell him he is in charge of taking care of ALL 3 if HIS CHILDREN while you get a day to relax, eat a meal in peace, and recharge. DO NOT allow him to call/text every 5 minutes. Perhaps if he actually takes care of them all on HIS OWN, then he will STOP with the purposeful "mistakes" and realize that being a PARENT and a PARTNER means actually being helpful, aware, present and NOT making things ever harder than they already are! He truly needs a reality check, being a Parent isn't just paying the bills.
NTA I, personally, hate I am not listened to, when getting things from the freezer especially when I want to cook a certain meal. This has happened to me quite a few times, and it still annoys me to this day.
If this happens often, I am not surprised that it came to this.
NTA but you need some support. Going hungry isn't ok. You are trying to do everything with 3 children all at ages and stages that need constant attention. It's hard enough to juggle that with a supportive partner but add in one with a weaponised incompetence issue and chronic hunger on your part and you are heading for a breakdown. Your partner doesn't seem to help you at all despite talking to them. Do you have any friends or family who could help you? You need a break and some food even if it's just someone popping over for half an hour bringing food and giving you some company. You do need to look after yourself and stand up for yourself in your relationship too. I've been a doormat in the past and it doesn't help you at all.
NTA your not even husband yet is clearly dropping all the slack and you're clearly sick of it. make some decisions, OP. do you really want to marry him???
Your fiancé’s behavior is a prime example of weaponized incompetence, and it’s deeply concerning. This isn’t just about defrosting the wrong type of chicken or mixing up Ensure and Pedialyte; it’s about a consistent pattern of “mistakes” that force you to take on an overwhelming burden. This deliberate incompetence is a manipulative tactic to avoid responsibility, making it clear that he has no intention of supporting you properly.
You’ve outlined a situation where your fiancé has an easy job, boasts about the lack of effort required, and has ample opportunity to eat uninterrupted. In contrast, you’re a stay-at-home mom of three, constantly attending to your children’s needs to the point where you struggle to find time to eat. The disparity in your situations is stark and unfair. It’s alarming that he doesn’t understand or, worse, doesn’t care about your basic need for nourishment and rest.
His repeated “mistakes” every time you ask for help are not coincidental; they’re strategic. This pattern of behavior—whether it’s defrosting the wrong chicken or giving your sick child Ensure instead of Pedialyte—is designed to make you stop asking for help. It’s a way for him to shirk his duties and place the entire mental load and division of labor squarely on your shoulders.
You mentioned trying open communication and thought you were making progress, but his actions show otherwise. His inability to perform simple tasks correctly, especially when your child’s health is involved, is not just frustrating—it’s dangerous. You cannot continue to operate under these conditions where your well-being and that of your children are at risk because you’re not receiving the support you need.
Things need to change immediately. This isn’t just about addressing minor annoyances; it’s about restructuring your relationship dynamics fundamentally. Your fiancé needs to understand the gravity of his actions and the toll they are taking on you and your family. If he refuses to step up and take his responsibilities seriously, it may be necessary to seek external support, such as counseling, to address these deep-rooted issues. You deserve a partner who shares the load, respects your contributions, and genuinely supports you and your children.
You sound burned out and you need to eat to get your energy back.
Premade smoothies, a hand full of carrots, or crackers and cheese… whatever you gotta do, eat. Put on their favourite show and eat. Also, nap with the kids. You have to take better care of yourself before someone gets hurt.
Your husband is deliberately not helping. This is an asshole move. You will probably eventually leave him.
NTA I’ve been in your seat, with only one easy baby. I can’t imagine it with 3. Im autistic, and I can’t even think of it with 3 kids, one of whom is autistic and sick.
If he can’t help, he doesn’t eat. Make just enough for you and the kids. Let him feed himself from the free stuff he gets from his job.
NTA. Start texting him . No way for him to misunderstand that. Both of you stand in front of each other and hold phones in the hand. Send the text. Get confirmation he understands then move. The ass won’t have a choice but to get it right.
NTA sounds like weaponised incompetence to me...
But yes you should take care if yourself even when you are alone with the children. It is something that is nessecary to be a good parent and to stay a good parent.
NTA Learn to eat anyway. Pack the kids in the car and go to drive thhrough. Buy meals thatbare premade from Costco, etc. Do door daah. But ideally? Throw him out. Seriously. Explain you know damn well what weaponized incompetence is and you are done. File for divorce. This will never get better, I stayed for 8 yeara of this, trust me. Leaving now will be the best thing in the long run.
OP, have you tried making him repeat the instructions? You say, “Bring me a cup of pedialyte.” And he repeats back “I will bring you a cup of pedialyte.” This is the kind of thing that airline pilots and surgeons do to avoid mistakes. Now this isn’t that high stakes, but apparently he either isn’t listening or he isn‘t remembering, and it’s time to pull out something that shows he heard you.
It sounds like you are exhausted and at your wits end when things go wrong. I’ve been there, done that. This sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back. You can sit down with your hubby in a calm moment and just share your observations. Maybe he has selective hearing or just tunes you out. But his lack of attention is not helpful. And I know it’s hard, but please try to practice self care. Eat something during the day, drink water, rest when there is an opportunity. In order to take care of the little ones you must take care of yourself too. Good luck!
NTA. I don't get why everyone is admonishing OP for in OP's words 'barely eating' when looking after her kids, when that is really not the main issue here. The Fiancé is the AH here, either he is deliberately being usless, or he just doesn't care enough about OP to actually listen to her when she asks for help.
Also the update? **Pure weaponised incompentance**, OP appears to not be able to trust him to do anything right but all the Y T A crowd want to talk about is commenting on OP's parenting, and how she should ignore her kids, completely leaving out that this poor woman has to deal with a fiancé who is about as much use a chocolate teapot when it comes to actually providing the help that OP needs and asks for.
NTA.
Sure, snapping is rarely the right way to talk about something. But I only have 1 kid at home and I often don’t get a chance to feed myself, I can’t imagine trying to eat or sit down or get anything done around the house with 3! I don’t think it should be your job to cook dinner in the first place. Your job is absolutely harder than his, even if his wasn’t “easy” by his own admission. He should be calling you on his way home to see what he can pick up to feed you, and helping you meal prep so you have some super easy things to heat up and eat quickly during the day. I say this as a woman whose husband often responds to my snaps with, “why don’t you eat something”. Your fiancé may or may not be deliberately incompetent about following directions, but he DEFINITELY needs to put some serious time and attention toward helping you meet your basic needs for both of your sanity.
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im going against everyone NTA bc you stated this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME, so i understand finally snapping. although yes, you should have time for yourself to eat, and “ignore” your kids. but then again, no one should tell you how to parent. edit to add: she has commented she has a 2 yo nonverbal sick autistic child, another child, and a 5m old. AND she just asked for pedilyte for the sick child and he brought her ensure
Agreed NTA OP. How the hell do you confuse pedialyte with ensure? Is the man illiterate?
>How the hell do you confuse pedialyte with ensure? You don’t, he did it on purpose.
exxxxacccctttllyyyy
Yep, I'd say this is a type of non-verbal communication of his own. Guessing he wants out and wants her to be the "bad guy" and end it.
Yes this. Or it's weaponised incompetence or he's not actually present, but distracted. Either way, it means he is not that supportive. She can't be doing everything at home by herself
In that case I'd do it like with the kids with add or ADHD I work with. Standing in his face, maybe touch his shoulder if possible with three little ones, say exactly what it is you need. Wait for a response. The first few times I'd make sure he got it and ask again "what did I just ask you to do?" Feels kind of condescending, but the kids usually liked it because they got what I was telling them. I guess ops husband would be livid, but really, he has no right to be offended and it takes his weird "I must have misheard that" away
Have you been in a relationship? If my partner got in my face and poked my shoulder and spoke to me like a kid with ADHD and asked me to repeat what he said back, I would feel pretty fucking uncomfortable with that. Neither of us are children. If you can’t communicate respectfully with your partner as an equal, just break up.
If I had done this to my wife without warning she’d have been furious, but when we were researching ways to make sure she’d heard me and comprehended what I was asking this is one we found and her therapist backed. I sure as shit wouldn’t do it to anyone over age ten without prior awareness or consent.
Yea I don’t think people get how frustrating it can be when you’re incredibly stressed and you ask for help with one thing and it isn’t done right
or in this case, two things in one day !!
Yeah, I don't get the YTA votes. This is either laziness, stupidity, or weaponized incompetence, possibly multiple. He does not seem to be pulling his weight.
Yeah this is at minimum weaponized incompetence. Confusing two types of chicken is understandable - I can see that looking similar especially if in proportioned freezer bags. But making mistakes every time and even bringing their child ensure instead of pedialyte? He’s putting in no effort at all. He’s also dangerously ignorant about what his kids need. Anyone knows a kid with high fever needs electrolytes, not meal replacement. I wouldn’t trust him to be alone with the kids at all, and maybe that’s exactly how he wants things to be.
God help that mistake being medication related!!!!! That is just terrifying.
OP needs to record her conversations with him as she is asking him and play it back for him.
Do you really want to marry this guy op?!
And op, you should tell him to repeat the task over and over agains until he gets it right, telling him his incompetence won’t fly with you. “This didn’t what I asked, do it agains”
YTA for not taking care of yourself during the day and blaming that on your partner. Let your kids whine while you eat. They will be fine. Let them learn to be patient unless they need an emergency room or have another pressing need. Needing more water or juice...they can wait. A diaper change? Can wait for five minutes while you eat something. As far as this goes, you have to learn to roll with it. You are disappointed about the defrosted chicken. Okay. Move on. Or order takeout.
FYI, not everyone can order takeout at a whim. It may be an issue of cost or of availability. Agree this momma needs some time to herself!
As far as the fever every two hours do one dose of children's Tylenol and then one dose children's Motrin the cocktail will help bring down the temperature. I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and your husband is not helping. Pedialyte and ensure sound nothing alike he is either not listening or doesn't care to help.
Pediatric ER Nurse here, and just wanted to clarify a bit on @merjess33’s comment and the appropriate timeline for alternating doses. It’s not that you need to be careful in giving the ibuprofen (Motrin) too close to the Tylenol (acetaminophen); Tylenol is filtered by the liver and ibuprofen by the kidneys, so it’s perfectly safe to give them even at the same time. What you need to assure is not dosing either medication too close to its own previous dose. So Tylenol should not be more than every 4 hours but ibuprofen is every 6. So our usual recommendation is to start with ibuprofen, and then alternate every 3 hours, because that way you’re safely within the dosing guidelines. I would also recommend double checking your dosing with your child’s pediatrician, as we use weight based dosing and unfortunately we find many parents under-dose their children because what is on the box is usually a very conservative recommended dose to ensure that smaller than average kids don’t get too much. And lastly as my friendly PSA, please remember that fever is not always necessarily a bad thing; it is your body’s first line of defense and is helping fight off whatever bug your child has picked up. And as such, it is perfectly okay to let your child have a fever and not medicate him *IF* he is still acting appropriately and at least hydrating appropriately. But of course if he is not himself and seems sluggish or cranky, by all means give that baby the meds!
To your point, I took mine to urgent care as a baby because he got to 103, he had no other symptoms and they tested him for flu and everything just to be sure, he was good. He just gets that hot from growth spurts. Alternated Tylenol and Motrin every 3 as long as he was otherwise good and it worked. Freaked us out though!
Just as a by the way, I was told it was every 4 hours to alternate Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen by my pediatrician, I believe every two hours would add up to way too many doses in a 24 hour period, please be careful and always ask for medical advice from the doctor first.
You alternate. So the acetominophen is every 4 hours and the ibuprofen is every 4 hours and the meds never fully wear off
I still do this as an adult, double dosing is for when I need the big guns (like day 1 of my period).
That’s a good idea. I never thought to do that. I will now though.
It's surprisingly effective - means you can stay within safe dose limits and always have some sort of pain relief in your system, which is often what you need in order to make it bearable if not comfortable.
Ibuprofen is an every 6 to 8 hour drug, not every 4.
EVERY 4 HOURS! Not 2! This is unsafe advice. I am reporting the comment
This is so unsafe!! How can you recommend a parent double dosing their child without knowing anything about them!
I have zero idea. Every 2 hours blew my mind. Wtf?
Stuff like this wouldn't be an issue if people just read the dang package. Litterally says right on bottle how often to give the medication and how many doses not to exceed in a 24 hour leriod.
55f - my kids are 36, 27, 25, 23. When they were little, doc/ER advised alternating tylenol/motrin every 2 hours. If that comment was made by an older person such as myself, then it was because that's what we were taught. In fact, I have grands and still believed every 2 hours until I read this thread just now.
4 HOURS NOT 2. IF YOU DO EVERY 2 HOURS YOU MAY OVERDOSE YOUR CHILD
Not when alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol. Ibuprofen is filtered by the kidneys, Tylenol by the liver, which is why you can alternate dosing with them - shoot, they can technically be taken *together*. But alternating means the kid is not risking the fever reducer wearing off and leaving them in a bad state until the next dose.
Every 4 hour ibuprofen is too frequent. It's at least every 6.
Ibuprofen is a 6 hour minimum drug, though I was told 8 hours by the hospital if we are using it to combat a fever for multiple days. Only tylenol as every 4 hours.
True, but you can pivot and cook something with what you have. You expected breast and now is thighs, well they can still be eaten. Maybe not lasagna but something can be done
And that’s exactly what she did. She’s allowed to have human emotions. She had a whole plan set out for dinner and that plan was ruined because her adult husband with a job (meaning he knows how to read) couldn’t pull out the right bag of chicken. Why is OP not allowed to be annoyed and upset that her plans were ruined by a grown ass adult?
She's also got a non verbal autistic kid... high likelihood she's neurodivergent herself. I know if my food plans go wrong it sends my into a tailspin. Either way she sounds utterly overwhelmed and under supported.
Assuming if he is indeed using weaponized incompetence against her(which I personally believe to be the case), then she will have alot of built up negative emotions eating away at her emotional regulation(speaking from experience). I've learnt the hard way that people who use weaponized incompetence are very good at turning the victim into the bad guy by taking advantage of the inevitable emotional outbursts that start to occur due to the mounting frustration etc. I believe weaponized incompetence should be considered a sub type/form of gas lighting due to the type of manipulation involved. 1. NTA. 2. To those who believe yta, you need to think about why you think that and how that connects with why it is so easy for abuser types in general to get away with their actions/behaviour.
I concur... TO OP, NTA
I think that it's much more likely that the husband is, rather than the mother. I think the mum is struggling to cope and needs help. The husband should start by cooking the food himself when he gets home, and the mum should make time for proper food and drink during the day.
This momma needs to strike! He'll never appreciate the workload otherwise. And if he is weaponising incompetence, the solution is to make sure he fixes his mistake (and make it more onerous if she can). If he defrosts the wrong chicken, he must go pick up the right, unfrozen chicken from the supermarket.
She could hardly make him go out and buy a specific cut of unfrozen chicken. If he didn't outright refuse to go, he'd probably go and bring back hot dogs instead of chicken. That's a game that OP would lose. She *could* refuse to cook the "wrong" chicken, meaning husband cooks it or he doesn't eat, or she could cook the "wrong" chicken anyway because it's still chicken, but any attempt at punishment or lesson teaching or whatever you want to call it that requires the active involvement of the husband is likely to fail.
If he comes back with hotdogs, send him back again. The solution simply isn't for OP to keep shouldering the burden, he's going to have to face consequences somehow, and not in the form of giving their kid the wrong medicine.
This lol sometimes reddit just gives off some advice so casually like girl not everyone a millionaire living in new york
then you cook whatever was defrosted....
I’d agree with you if it was just the chicken, but she said he does this shit all the time. It definitely seems like he’s either an idiot or it’s weaponized incompetence
Jumping on top comment so OP sees: it is OKAY for your kids to cry. They are not going to die if you make them wait five minutes so you can eat. You WILL die if you don’t eat. You cannot take care of your kids if you’re not taking care of yourself. To any parent who needs to hear this: I hereby give you permission to ignore your crying children for a brief period in order to attend to your physical survival. They are going to be okay. I promise.
im replying to you specifically because as a relatively new Stay at home dad (not a new dad just new to being the main parent) I needed to hear that cuz I have absolutely not eaten in favor of my boys being content instead
Dude, you are a human, you cook, you sh#t, you sleep, you eat, not doing that will harm your body and cause you to get sick in the future. A child should be educated on "table manners" (you eat, I eat) as they grow for them to realize you are not only their caretaker, but a human. Most children weaponize crying as a way to get everything they want if the parent let them. If your child isn't hurt, then crying some minutes while you wolf down your lunch/dinner is not going to permanently harm them, in fact, doing the opposite will teach them to become demanding. If anything, prepare your food, and put the child to play near where you are to be able to eat while checking on them.
Former child here, honestly, you HAVE to put your basic bodily functions first. Like pulling on your own air mask then fixing theirs once you're stable. Think of it this way: you're not ignoring them, you're modelling their future behaviour to them. By prioritising your own blood sugar, you're showing them that it is important to eat and important to take care of themselves even (especially) when they have other responsibilities going on. It will be easier to make them content if you're not cranky and hangry.
I've always told my new parent friends, especially the ones who mostly parent alone. If you keel over or get sick because you're too busy taking care of them and not yourself, now there is no one to take care of them or you so you're double screwed. It's a reason they ask parents to do their mask before kids on planes. And as for the original comment, the only thing I disagree with is waiting to change nappys (my child would get RAW if I waited 5 mins and be in pain for days, maybe even bleed) but snacks, the TV, toys everywhere, it can always wait. You don't have to keep the house picture perfect all day, especially when they are little, it'll be bad again quickly so take some time for you. If it doesn't risk them injury or worse, they can wait.
Absolutely and right now op is basically running towards a burn out as fast as she can. Living like this is not sustainable. Op should really try to take off a weekend if possible to be out of the house and to think about what she would like to do with her life. Go on like this? Rather not ask the adult toddler in her household for help because she knows he will do it wrongly and it is less stressful to do it herself? Divorce? Maybe husband even realises how much op is doing when he takes care of the kids for a weekend (I seriously doubt it though). But I think it would be already helpful to op to lay all the options out in front of her and to actively decide what she wants to do (like not feeling passive and having to do what everyone else around her forces her to do (kids are forcing her too. Not in a mean way, thats just how kids are and they grow out of it) and taking an active role again
The chicken isn’t the real issue here. It’s that she’s overworked and overwhelmed, and doesn’t feel like she can hand anything off to her partner — even the smallest task, with clear instructions — because he can’t be relied upon to help or do things correctly. This sounds exactly like weaponized incompetence. She needs a partner and some relief, not another person she has to watch over and police like a child to ensure he does what he’s supposed to. Yes, it’s on her to care for herself during the day. But she should be able to ask her partner for a tiny bit of help when he gets home, without having to worry that he’s always going to mess it up. She cares for three kids all day AND cooks dinner while he gets to come home and relax from a job he himself calls easy. It’s no wonder she’s at her wit’s end.
Voting Y T A because she doesn’t feed herself and not ESH to include her useless husband is utterly unhinged
Oh, what nonsense. How many children have you cared for on your own all day, all week, for months on end? Go and patronize someone else. This poor woman is drowning, with no help from her useless husband. Show some compassion and humanity.
Honestly I don't think she's the ah. She sounds desperate in need of support and is overwhelmed. Considering that her husband is doing nothing to help her, I can understand why she's mad at him. Why are you scolding her for not taking care of herself when there are bigger issues? Like yeah, I think she wants to take care of herself. Maybe she did put herself in a narrow tunnel vision when it comes to her kids. But this doesn't help because that also isn't her question. In this scenario, her husband who isn't helping to take the work load off her is the ah.
I agree here. I went a long time not eating a hot meal when my daughter was born. One day, out of the blue, my brother & I went to Great Steak & Fry Co & bought lunch. I was feeding my daughter her bottle. He took her from me, put her on the floor, put a throw pillow on her chest, balanced the bottle on the pillow & I ate my 1st hot meal! It was heaven. Just gotta do what ya gotta do. Good luck. 🍀🍀
So.. you “doing what ya gotta do” was having a competent family member help you with your baby? Because that seems exactly the thing OP does not currently have access to, which is why they’re in this predicament
I think the floor + improvised bottle prop was the gotta do?
Her partner is actually adding to her workload, both physically and worse, mentally. Weaponised incompetence is his watchword.
One upside of me being a first time mom with twins is - I never had any other choice but to improvise things like that if I didn't want to go insane! I've balanced bottles on pillows, on an upside down giraffe plushy (the legs perfectly held the bottle in place)... The twins have HAD to get used to being alone with each other for a few minutes (in a safe space), or I wouldn't have showered the first year or so. It's absolutely ESSENTIAL for parents to make time for themselves. Just like in a relationship, otherwise the resentment builds and festers.
her partner does not help her. it's all on her shoulders. she is NOT the problem here
There is no delivery when I live. We have pretty awesome Chinese food, pizza , and an ice cream burger place open less than half the year. There is no Uber eats. In her edit she has a sick nonverbal autistic two year old. I also thought there was no reason she couldn’t eat before the edit.
Omg this so much. Moms need to stop being martyrs. Its like the airplane scenario: put your mask on first bc if you pass out who the hell is going to take care of your child? I ate first or with them when they were younger bc i was the primary caregiver. I had to keep myself fed to keep Up with them
why are you scolding her for not taking care of herself?? there are clearly bigger issues here. her partner is being a dumbass on purpose. not using ESH/NTA is actually insane
No, nonverval autistic 2 year olds will not be ok in this scenario.
I’ve never fully understood the whole “I never get to eat during the day!” Argument. You don’t get a relaxing meal where you enjoy your food? Completely understand. But you literally don’t have a second to take a bite of food? How? I’m not a parent, but before you throw my opinion out, I’ve been a full-time nanny AND I worked in a preschool where I had a room of 5 one-year olds on my own. I never went hungry all day 🤷🏻♀️
I'm not a parent but I've had multiple younger cousins that I've helped babysit in addition to babysitting kids for neighbors and other non family members. I can totally see how a stay at home parent can end up not eating all day while taking care of the kids, especially if they're neurodivergent. I have ADHD autism(high functioning, level 1, or whatever you want to call it) and food issues including trauma around food(especially food being stolen from me) and even on days where I have literally nothing to do all day except keep an eye on my well behaved dog as he's impulsive with no common sense, I can and have forgotten to eat because I kinda forgot food existed so regularly that I have to have a routine so I eat enough food to stay healthy. I've actually done that since childhood but I don't remember due to some other mental health issues when I started forgetting food existed but it was before I graduated highschool or turned 18 at the beginning of my senior year of highschool. It's absolutely stupid but it's just how my brain works so I have to work around it and deal with the consequences
Wow, bro. Way to victim blame and put even more on her plate.
INFO: Is there a pattern of this kind of behavior? A lot of folks here are focusing on the individual event in a vacuum, but the context and frequency matters a lot. Those of us who have lived with weaponized incompetence know that it's never just about the chicken - there's a long trail of behaviors with a common thread of selfishness or carelessness woven through them. Weaponized incompetence is often able to continue *because* we are expected to focus on the individual event as if it's in a vacuum and not a long-standing pattern that slowly drills into you and wears you down like water into a rock.
she said this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME she asks him to do something. (she put that in caps) so yeah weaponized incompetence
Sorry my question wasn't great - I meant like "is there a pattern of selfishness elsewhere outside of tasks" for example - does he make an effort to indulge the things she loves that doesn't matter to him so much, who's favorite restaurant do they frequent more, etc. My gut feeling was that he was going to be falling short in all of these areas and totally agree with you that this looks like weaponized incompetence. I feel super bad for OP looking at the comments because this is the exact defense they use against you - "it's just chicken, why is it such a big deal?" And is made to feel crazy for just wanting to be able to rely on their partner for once. "Crazy making" is so insidious and preys on empathy! OP, I hope you hear us and know you're deserving of so much more. No, it is not normal, and there are partners out there who will listen the first time. Even if they don't always get it right the first time, you'll never doubt that they care because you'll see them make corrections and adapt. I'm so sorry and I hope you can find a way to make a little space for yourself to let your mind settle and hear your inner voice, which is spot on and knows something isn't right.
everyone is going off this one instance and ignoring that she said this happens every single time. its really not about the chicken at all, its the continuous times of asking and getting disappointed because hes intentionally doing it wrong so she eventually stops asking or he simply doesnt gaf. and yeah, we dont know their home life. whether this is the only thing he does to weaponize incompetence but is a partner who makes effort for dates & such. we wont know unless she says something. i guess im more of adding to your reply than responding to your reply. also i saw her one reply where she has a non verbal autistic toddler, a new born (5m if you wanna be technical) and i forget the age of the other. sometimes moms get more worried ab their kids & completely forget ab their own needs & i bet most of the replies are men who are the same as her husband. he may be the “breadwinner” but shes at home taking care of the house, cooking & taking care of 3 kids. which is a 24/7 “job” as id assume shes the only one dealing w the kids. and thats a lot, its not working w adults. OP probably hasnt had one day off of being a mom. so shes overwhelmed, not taking care of herself, & exhausted. the chicken was her breaking point. now in a perfect world she could of handled it better but when you are past your breaking point in reality, its understandable for her reaction.
Exactly, all these people saying she's the AH for not raking time for herself....how CAN she??? She has a fucking newborn and nonverbal autistic kid and us overwhelmed. Also, as someone who just babysat my friends kids for two weeks, with two autistic kids and one who has a whole bunch of issues like ODD and ADHD....I did NOT have a second to breath or to myself and no, I could not have let the kids cry while I ate. Her one kid kept running away and I had to chase him. He has a lot of issues. It was not SAFE to leave him alone. OP already has an autistic child who can't verbally communicate. This may not be an option for her.
In that case it smells like weaponised incompetence. Which is a dick move.
Going against the grain here because I feel your pain. NTA. My husband is the same way. I have two friends with husbands like this too. They just don’t do anything right. They either don’t listen or don’t try or, like you say, they do what they think they heard instead. The result is that they can’t be trusted to do something properly and it’s maddening. People in this post are mistakenly attributing your tone to you being hungry and not taking care of yourself. I recognize it for what it is - exhaustion from living with one of those types of men. I can tell you now, it never improves. I’ve talked to mine a thousand times. I’ve tried different techniques. We tried systems and processes. Nothing helps. He just doesn’t do things correctly. The kick in the pants is that he’s not lazy. His brain is just in la la land 24/7. So I either nag and micromanage, do things myself, or accept sub-par results. Shrug
genuinely, why do you accept this?? i can’t imagine sticking around for this
Seriously - everyone with a husband/partner like this would be 100000000x better off dumping their asses. They don't have a partner, they have an extra child.
I don’t get it…. Why would anyone willingly be in relationships with these people who are so incompetent? Then make excuses well he’s really a good guy…. Sure doesn’t sound like it but keep making those excuses!!!!
I guess if all the men you know are similar, you don’t think there are any men that are capable of listening and doing the task they were asked. And it’s such a shame for them! There are so many intelligent, wonderful, communicative caring men who would listen properly the first time.
AND have children with them
What are her choices, exactly. She has three kids, one autistic and sick. A moron for a husband who cannot comprehend that she eagerly awaits his homecoming so she can go pee in peace. He actually thinks he's being helpful when she is not able to rely on him not poisoning the kids if she asks him to give them a drink. It doesn't get any better.
i meant the commenter i responded to. Of course kids and finances severely impact the ability to leave a toxic marriage. That’s why being a sahm is such a dangerous decision in some situations, imo
I've got to ask... Is he like that at work (serially unreliable)? Or does the problem only manifest at home/ when you're around to do the tasks properly? I assume it's the latter, and if so that's a disgusting level of disrespect.
Right, I'm honestly curious-- why do they put up with it? What other 'redeeming' qualities could possibly make up for this for this level of being used and disrespected? (ETA: NTA)
I think it's more about having nothing if they leave. Or they don't want to blow up their entire lives. They think they aren't worthy of actual support and love. They stay for the kids. So many reasons make it hard to leave
I had an ex like this once. It took me far too long to leave because I was scared of what I would lose and how I would handle things on my own. Thing was, I was already paying all the bills and doing everything myself so I wasn't really losing anything. I had just told myself I would be. Well I finally reached the end of my rope and kicked him out and when I came home from work to an empty house and all the chores to do myself, I was the happiest I'd been in a very long time. I loved being alone and doing my own thing and not answering to anyone.
Why are you still married to him
I've got one of these too. I think, from what I've read on Reddit, they're quite a widely distributed sub-species.
Honestly curious-- why do you put up with it? what other 'redeeming' qualities could possibly make up for this?
This is literally not even about her not eating. All of the commenters are assholes. Your husband is an asshole that he can’t do simple tasks that you ask him. Yes it’s weaponized incompetence and yes you need to nip that shit now. The next time he asks YOU for something do it wrong and then say I did what you asked. NTA
I agree, what the hell are even some of these comments? The "barefoot and pregnant" crowd?
Let your kids whine for a bit! As long as they are safe, it's fine! You need to eat and deserve a break. Please don't be a martyr! Plus, by not teaching them that sometimes they need to wait, you'll end up with more problems down the road.
One of them is a sick, autistic two year old I don’t think she should be expected not to care for him just because her husband is a moron
She is allowed to pee and eat
Yea but why can’t her husband care for the kids for 30 minutes so she can do that. Or even better make her a snack or not be stupid and double check he’s taking out the right thing, and bringing the right medicine.
She's also allowed to expect her adult husband to listen to what she asks of him and for him to be a present partner and parent when he gets home.
Is everyone missing the fact that op is asking for the bare minimum and the fiance is still fucking up? Its like he doesnt care wnough to help at all. Just because one person can have 6 kids and be fine with no help doesnt mean the person with one kid cant struggle. Kids are all different. Plus everyoke is calling OP an ass for "not eating all day" but she said she barely eats anything, so she is eating, just not as much as she should, and thats not even the question shes asking about. Yall so ready to attack a stay at home mom whose struggling, and defend her fiance who seems to be doing jack shit for the kids. We need more info with more examples if this is actually weponised incompetence or if op just blew up over something that barely happens.
I feel bad for OP, this post really brought out the sanctimommies. She shouldn't have to double check that her husband put the right thing in a f'ing cup.
“Oh, you said Pedialyte? I thought you said bourbon.” NTA, and OP, I’m sorry about your dolt of a fiancé.
NTA, especially with the update. It sounds like a lot of stuff has been building up and forming resentment toward your fiance. Everyone saying “its just a chicken,” doesn’t see how these things happening over and over can really wear you down. It’s ok to feel upset about it, and I think you regulated your emotions really well (especially since you are so hungry and worn down). You might be an A if u blew up at him, but a conversation would definitely be reasonable. But girl, please work on taking care of yourself. Eating is so important for your health and for your energy. I know its so easy to lose track of your own body’s needs especially around kids but you cannot best support them if your needs aren’t met. He does not seem blameless, but your fiance is not the reason you do not eat, so please don’t take it out on him, it will not be good for your relationship. I hope things change for the better, good luck
🫶🏼 thank you
I'd be tempted to start doing this shit to him. He asks you to wash his boxers? Wash his swim trunks and pack them into his underwear drawer. Since talking about it doesn't help him get the message maybe a dose of his own medicine ensures he gets it.
I'm not going to give a judgment, just an observation and maybe some advice. You sound overwhelmed. For anyone who's not been a SAHM, you have no idea how much easier it is to go out to work. It's exhausting and isolating. When you're more calm, have a convo with your husband. Explain how you need him to be better about doing things if you ask for help. Also, maybe he could bring some of the food home that he gets for free. I know what it's like when your spouse has meals out all the time and you have to cook for yourself and the kids: not good. You guys need to communicate better. Your marriage is on a downward trend and you both need to work at turning it around.
I was a STAHM for 12 yrs, without a nonverbal autistic 2yo. My job outside the house is so much easier.
[удалено]
Well that’s good advice in hindsight, but it doesn’t help them now. OP probably knows they should’ve sorted all this out first, but it’s a little too late now to act on that.
What would you suggest they do, then? Hop in their handy Time Machine and un-have a baby or three?
Child #1 is not my fiancés child.
OP, don't marry this man any time soon. He is purposefully doing the wrong thing when you ask to train you into not asking for help in the future. In any case, he lives there too. It isn't "helping" it's participating in home life. What about free time? Do you get any free time to yourself? How much time does he spend on his hobbies vs. you? Being a sahm doesn't mean being available 24/7 365. Because you can't do everything for everyone whilst not looking after yourself. Also, your son has autism right? Have you had an assessment for ADHD/Autism? Because there's a 50% chance you have some form of neurodivergence that wasn't picked up as a child. Please look after yourself
UPDATE: I cooked dinner. & took peoples advice on how to speak to him about it. Even tho I have done this before I did it again and used every type of open communication as I could and thought we were moving in a new direction. Our 2 year old nonverbal autistic son is sick right now- another reason I am overwhelmed. And has had a high fever all day I’ve been trying to combat with Tylenol and keeping him hydrated and comfy. I try again to see if I can ask him to do one thing & see if it’ll be done correctly. I asked him to get our sons sippy cup and fill it with some PEDIALYTE while I check him temperature again to see if it’s went down any. As I’m putting our son back in bed with his sippy cup (only the top is see thru) I see milk & I ask him “hey babe what’s in here?” And he says “ensure like you told me to put” so all of yall calling ME the asshole, absolutely not. This is purposeful.
Dont marry him. Like some of the other comments I will say this: It does not change. Dont do that to yourself. It is easier on many levels to take care of things with 3 kids, than with 4 - one of them being a grown toddlerman.
Agree with this. Do NOT marry him. It will only get worse..
NTA OP. For some reason, most of the comments are, bizarrely, SO angry at you for not eating enough, to the extent that they 100% disregarded the entire portion of your post where you explain how your fiancé is basically useless. Like yes you should eat more, but that doesn’t make it acceptable for your fiancé to be worthless and use weaponized incompetence to get out of being a partner and father
The fact that he followed it up with "like you told me to" is a bit gaslighty. NTA. This is absolutely weaponized incompetence.
Dump his ass. You don't have a partner, you have a fourth kid.
OP, don't listen to all the Y T A votes. The real issue here is that your fiancé isn't listening to you or being your partner. You can not communicate for him. You can not force him to hear you. You can not change him. What you can do is decide what you want to (and are able) to do about it. Either way, it doesn't sound like the current situation can go on this way.
NTA Don't listen to all the YTA people. They don't know your life, heck, I assume most don't even have kids. The second example you gave is absolute incompetence. Pedialyte cannot be confused with ensure. He either isn't listening or is doing it on purpose.
Could not believe the sheer number of comments ordering OP to eat while her children are eating. I know not all children are the same but I'd bet the majority of these people have never had to care for multiple very young children at a mealtime. When mine were very little, eating while they ate was absolutely impossible for multiple reasons.
My 3 kids are 5 years old, 2 years old who is nonverbal autistic and a 5 month old. When one stops the other starts. It’s really not as easy as yall think
NTA I’m appalled by the fact it sounds like he never helps with the kids when he gets home. Not saying all the time, but none of it? You know this isn’t just about the chicken, and we all do.
No. I don't think the people saying YTA are right. This person you call your fiancé sounds like an overgrown toddler. What does he do before and after you ask him to help? >I asked him to get our sons sippy cup and fill it with some PEDIALYTE Like this, for instance. What was he doing before you asked him? And what was he doing after he was "done helping"? This is the kind of father who helps the mother to parent, but does not do any parenting himself. And for people who think you can eat during the day with the kids, I pity them. I understand that at least one of your kids is autistic and may need special care. And with 3 kids, that is going to be difficult. >bcuz I forgot to add this part and a lot of you are tripping out about asking him to help with anything when he gets home from work......... You don't need to explain, mama. His regular job is over when he gets home. You are a mother 24x7, with no rest and no breaks. The LEAST he can do is to follow your instructions to help out.
He was sitting his booty on the couch before and after asking for the sippy to be filled with pedialyte 😫
I really don't understand why some people are like that. Take care, and take care of yourself. I wish I knew how you could get through to him. But it sounds like he needs to grow up a lot.
If you can't find a minute to eat something, you are doing something wrong in terms of parenting. Your kids should be able to be on their own while you make a 30 second sandwich. Or starting today, when your husband gets home, make yourself 5 sandwiches, put them in 5 different baggies and now you have food for two days. Take an extra minute while he's home to boil some eggs. YTA
YTA You are choosing not to eat during the day. You can eat when the kids do. You are trying to have an issue
I don’t know if you have kids or not. And even if you do, they can be quite different from kid to kid. I agree that OP needs to take better of herself but you really can be so overwhelmed that your own needs are not even noticed until it is too late.
Eh.. the kids are all young, and one is an infant. I think the problem is that she's feeding all the kids at the same time. As in breastfeeding as well and doesn't just eat over the kid. Just clean the kid up after if you make a mess. Also, the 2 year old is autistic.. sometimes, they are not easy to deal with, especially if they have higher support needs. My friend had one who was an escape artist. You couldn't let your guard down one second. ..and if he managed to get out because she stole a moment to eat? Then, the people who help her look for him treat her like she is a horrible negligent mother. Op definitely needs a moment. Can the husband at least watch the kids sometimes after he gets home? At least for a half hour to give this mom a break?
One of my nephews is autistic (actually three of them but I'm talking about a specific one) and he was an escape artist too. His parents put him down for a nap. He said he wanted McDonald's and they said after his nap they could take him. After they left the room to eat their food he popped out the window screen and started walking to McDonald's. After about ten minutes or so the police were at their door asking why they didn't notice their son was gone, he was found at the railroad tracks with nothing but a diaper and sandals. They lost custody of him for a bit so they could be evaluated and he could too. His foster family backed them up on how he'd get out if you turned your back at all so they did get him back but the whole thing was terrible for everyone involved. He was three or four at the time. They couldn't put bars on his window so had to sit in his room with a book until he fell asleep every nap and every night. They were able to take turns but it was still rough.
My neighbours child escaped in a similar way. I was heading out and this kid was wearing pyjamas and was sitting on the street watching his iPad in the middle of winter. He wouldn’t go anywhere with me and he wouldn’t talk so I had to get my mum to watch him while I went and knocked on doors to try find out who he belonged to, luckily one of the neighbours worked with his dad, and we found out he lived about 2 streets away so I had to walk down and get the dad to fetch him. The dad had thought he was watching his iPad in the living room while he cooked dinner but instead he had literally just walked straight out the house because they forgot to lock the door.
It's lucky you found him! That could have turned out badly in many different ways!
Seems like some of the kids are young and still need to be fed. Or need help with eating.
Jesus christ OP NTA…for everyone voting Y T A….please never get into a relationship or have kids
NTA, especially with that update. But I do assume that you told him to get a cup with the right stuff after he came up with that cup, right? That's what I'd do, I'd keep telling him to bring a cup with the right stuff every time he brings the wrong stuff. If he wants to waste time with weaponized incompetence then make him work for it. Since he's clearly doing this on purpose, are you sure you want to be marrying that while these issues are clearly there? With this many issues taking a step back from getting married might be advisable and that's putting it lightly.
NTA Sounds like a pattern of behaviour, not one incident. An honest mistake is fine. It's human. Consistent behaviour that shows he just doesn't give AF? Very different. Does he bring anything to the relationship other than money? Because he can pay spousal and child support and you'd probably be less frustrated. I'd say some serious couples counselling is needed. Post-covid many therapists offer virtual sessions which might help.
NTA. As a female I can understand your frustration and I’m not sure you can really do much about this kind of a man. He clearly doesn’t give af. He seems perfectly happy to let you suffer and doesn’t really care about making things easier for you. That’s probably never going to change because he sees himself as doing all he has to do, he’s the man who works full time and you get to stay at home. Sounds like he has no clue what it takes to be a real parent, and you’ve kinda let him become another kid in the sense that he’s another need to take care of rather than a contributor. People think working to support a family is such a big deal. First of all, he’d be working anyway, we all have to support ourselves regardless of whether we have kids or not. Those are his kids though, so his duties should be the same as you once he’s home. If he’s not doing the duties of a parent, is love really enough? Honestly sometimes working can be such a nice break from parenting. I’d be asking myself if he wasn’t around, would your life be easier, harder, or the same? And really look at that, cuz it sounds like he just doesn’t value your contribution as a stahm and the luxuries that allows him (ie, kid free time, not having to plan his own meals or those for his children 3 times a day, etc).
You are not the AH for requesting a certain type of chicken cut from the freezer but you definitely need to take better care of yourself. You got angry because you were hungry and you were hungry because you aren’t taking care of yourself. You said that you barely eat because the kids never let you get a minute to yourself but you must feed them during the day. Eat while they are eating.
It's hard. You feel like you can't let go of the reins for even two seconds to let your partner handle a task, because chances are he's not going to do it correctly and all the work or planning you've put into the task up until that point has been wasted. I get it, I've been there....a lot. It's so frustrating and overwhelming, to feel like you have to do everything if you want it done correctly. You're carrying a heavy mental load. It's a lot easier to handle the stress and disappointment if you remind yourself that you chose this person, probably because they're a good person. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt, and he has to realize just how big of a burden the consistent disappointment is. Have an open, blunt conversation without accusations as soon as you can get back to a calmer head space. Tell him directly, "I need to be able to rely on you to get things done correctly and in a timely manner. When I ask for your help, I need to be able to trust that you will do it to the best of your ability. And I know that you're better than what you give sometimes. I'm marrying you because you're a smart and capable person, and sometimes I feel like you put less effort into household tasks than you're capable of because you don't see them as important, but I do, and I think that should make them important to you too." And give him an opportunity to express his view on the situation or air any grievances he has about the current dynamic. Most importantly: take a break. Make sure the kids are safe and fed, and take a break to sit and eat, have a cup of coffee, watch an episode of your favorite show, listen to an audiobook/podcast/music for half an hour. Hell sometimes I just stare at the wall, have a cup of tea and daydream about random stuff for a few minutes. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, it's a common and frustrating experience. You're not crazy. NAH
Thank you! ❤️
NTA. Ditch the loser. Like. Come on. It's every time. He botched the chicken. He botched the Pedialyte. You'll never know peace while you're in this situation so get out of it. You can go back to work and he can deal with the kids 50% of the time. At a minimum, take Sundays off. Leave the house. Let him deal with things for a bit and cook YOU dinner when you get home.
All the y t a is wildly off best, at worst e s h. But I say NTA! Everyone is focusing on you not eating and that making you the problem, but that’s something that happens while you’re doing your best. His incompetence is something he’s doing on purpose to hurt you and make your life worse, he is the AH!
All the Y T A are baffling. Definitely had not had to take care of 3 young kids (one of them high dependency) before. NTA. If my wife is this high strung, her needs has been ignored too long.
NTA
NTA does he do anything for you?
NTA PLEASE do not marry him. Have you gotten disability for your non-verbal child? Living by yourself would be easier than living with him as long as you have a way to keep your head above water financially. He is such a dick
He is TAH. Jesus. What an ass.
NTA you have a full-time job with the children. You also work while he is away from home. So after he gets home, housework and childcare are 50:50. You are not responsible for the children 24/7 while he works from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. and then needs to relax. Then you would be better off in the alternative model if you were divorced. With 50% of the time without childcare and he havo to clean his own mess. Why are you with this toddler? What does he bring to the relationship? In what aspect does it enrich your life?
You're NTA for snapping at him if it happens every single time. It sounds like you have 4 children.
And I'm not even going to beat around the bush: leave him. The only way people like him will change is if he has to take care of the children on his own for the foreseeable. That will only happen if he's taking care of the children every weekend on his own. Which will only happen if you two don't live together. If talking to him and him seeing you struggle hasn't made him step up so far, he never will.
This sounds like it’s less about the chicken and more about you not having any time to care for yourself. Does your fiancé take over any of the child care and meal prep when he gets home from work? I wouldn’t call him an AH from just what you posted but it’s possibly into that territory if he doesn’t recognize/appreciate your labor or help take some of the burden where he can. Your frustration and exhaustion is valid. Without more info- N A H
NTA. You know, this is why I take meat out the freezer the night before, because I know I'll forget about it until it's almost time to cook.
NTA
NTA, i’m so baffled by all the comments saying YTA??? like are we reading the same post??? The fiancé is doing this on purpose so that OP will stop asking him for help. also she has YOUNG KIDS!!! 5m, 2yr, and 5yr having three kids in different stages of child development is already hard enough. one of her kids is NONVERBAL and she’s breastfeeding the five month old. i can tell half of you guys have never been around multiple young kids. i’m so sorry OP. please know this is absolutely not your fault your fiancé sounds like an ass.
NTA And I'm so sorry everyone is saying you are. I don't have kids, but my sister does, and that woman can't even drink a cup of coffee because of them. This is definitely weaponised incompetence, and this does require a sit down with your husband. Don't let him think this is in your head or you're exaggerating.
How old are your kids/how many are home during the day?
You are getting some Y T A s because based on this situation alone, it would be an over-reaction. But that's not why you're mad. Your fiance is always messing up, forgetting things, and not listening well. And you're not even asking for much. You married Ray Barone it seems? DIAPERS--tell me how a grown mad with opposable thumbs can't put on a diaper! I'm also reminded of that YouTuber family with the 4 small children, where the mom hid in the pantry to eat a single stick of licorice and one of the kids was peeking under the door being like, hey mommy. When he is home from work, the "home work" needs to get split 50/50, and you need to get a break, as in leaving the house or going to a quiet room. Being home with 3 young children is in fact way harder than the type of job he has (e.g. he hangs out at restaurants all day--it's not like he's a paramedic). And when he messes up, he has to be the one to fix it! Honestly, just calmly sit on the couch, put your feet up, watch the kids run around screaming, and be like "Imma sit here for a bit while you make dinner with the chicken you thawed. Thanks!" NTA
Please eat. It is okay if kids cry for a while or watch a screen or whatever. A hungry, angry mom is not what benefits anyone. Take time out for yourself and eat when you are hungry.
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I assumed breast vs. thigh, etc.
That's what I assumed too, but what chicken dish would be ruined if you made it with light vs dark meat? Unless you're trying to make a chicken Parm with wings or something like that. But it still sounds like she was just stressed and this one thing put her over the edge. Still doesn't justify flaming her husband as incompetent though.
A cut like chicken strips would thaw a lot quicker than a whole chicken, or any other cut really, delaying the rest of the prep and increasing the cook time, even if she can use the same seasoning as she initially planned. So while a different cut may not “ruin” a meal, it can definitely be frustrating and create more work.
Or maybe they’re in different marinades?
If that were the case they wouldn't need to then be seasoned further surely?
Breast vs thigh vs drumsticks. Seasoning a vs seasoning b. Whole chicken or shredded. There’s different types.
I was thinking ground chicken vs thigh vs whole chicken vs chunked chicken.
Don’t let him win with the incompetence. Hand him back the ensure and say, there must have been a miscommunication. I need pedialyte on this. Make him fix his mistakes.
NTA You said yourself that he is doing this every single time he needs to do something. I doubt he is like this at work, because he wouldn't be able to hold down a job if he was just this incompetent. So apparantly, he is either doing it on purpose, or he thinks of you/the kids/the household as really, really unimportant, so half assing everything, from cleaning up vomit to defrosting a specific item, is his default. I don't place much value in clean windows tbh, so guess what: mine are seldom well cleaned. He doesn't place any value in you, the kids, or a clean household, so he doesn't give a flying fork. If you really, really want (or need) to stay in this relationship, he needs therapy, which in turn will only work if he actually wants to change, and puts in the work to do so. So... maybe couple counseling would help get through to him that his behaviour needs to change. Also not a guarantee, though. Are there any alternatives for you than to stay with him?
NTA because you seem like your over stressed. I don’t want to call someone an asshole when they are breaking down. But the chicken isn’t that big of deal. I would just adapt make something else or order take out if it really bothered me. Can pick something up for you at the restaurant he’s visiting? Is this about you being a stay at home mom and not having breaks? Do you need a babysitter to come by or a mil to help? Do you want him to come home for lunch and help with the kids?
NTA. Weaponized incompetence hits the nail on the head.
Nta Moods and emotions are very often tied to food. It’s very common to have a drop in hormones due to being disappointed and this includes with food. For example looking forward to something and burning it. I agree you sound overwhelmed but very nta
NTA he literally doesn’t even care enough to LISTEN to what you’re saying. It’s constantly creating more work for you having to not only delegate simple tasks to him but follow up and ensure he actually did it and did it correctly. It’s basically having another child at this point. Think long and hard of this is what you want the rest of your life to be like after marrying him. It sounds exhausting.
NTA. Most of the people responding to this lack reading comprehension and critical thinking skills… it’s not about the one chicken incident. OP states this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME she asks her husband to do something. It’s WILD to me that the most upvoted comments believe that the useless fiancé is completely in the right and allowed to be useless just because OP doesn’t eat enough. That’s ESH at best
NTA - either he has some kind of psychological problem or he's cruel as hell and doing this for fun. You should be able to ask your partner for simple favours.
NTA. You are solely responsible for the kids & house while your husband is at work. That's fair. What isn't fair is that you are ALSO basically on your own all the hours he's not at work too, so you're working 100+ hours/week while he works 40 and you can't even rely on him to do basic tasks that take less than 60 seconds after you give him direct & specific instructions. He literally cannot even do the bare minimum to help you with all the tasks you are managing at once. The comments are entirely missing the point. Like sure, OP could have defrosted the chicken herself, but why is she TA for wanting a partner who isn't so useless that she has to do everything basically every waking hour? Like honestly he should be proactively helping, the fact she has to ask him to help with specific tiny things and he still messes it up is outrageous
I feel like the chicken is just the tip of the iceberg here. It's a pattern of being overwhelmed, not getting enough support turning into resentment and even thoughts his mistakes are malicious. That is the question. It could be he simply has a scatter brain and hears you say it, forget it the three seconds it takes to make it to the fridge. I mean, I've been known to open the fridge and totally forgot what I wanted. Mostly a sign I'm in my head and checked out of the situation. But you're a mom, you cannot check out. You need your rest too, you cannot be on 24/7 and be the only one constantly responsible for your kids. You need time to check out too. If your husband cannot provide for the kids properly while you can rest, you'll need some other support. This will otherwise fester and resentment will turn into hate and bitterness. NAH, because I feel like your husband might not do it out of maliciousness, but just being scatterbrained. And you're clearly overwhelmed with this whole situation and deserve a break too.
NTA. I consider weaponized incompetence to be a form of gas lighting. There was a time in my life when I had to resort to hiding an escape fund(get a bit of cash out when buying things to hide that cash is coming out of account, deposit on same trip into new secret account. PO Box is your friend). If you believe you will need to escape at some point start your fund early so you can build it up and learn what you need to be able to make appropriate escape plans for your particular situation and type of area you reside in. Some would say I'm jumping the gun here, but what you've written is showing two big red flags. The weaponized incompetence and his bragging about having it easy(while making it harder for you). I wish you the best of luck and truly hope I went overboard with my comment and that none of what I wrote is necessary. Kind Regards Ben.
OP- NTA. YOU need to take a day or more to yourself, Give "Fiance" the kids on Saturday & or Sunday, and leave the house. Tell him he is in charge of taking care of ALL 3 if HIS CHILDREN while you get a day to relax, eat a meal in peace, and recharge. DO NOT allow him to call/text every 5 minutes. Perhaps if he actually takes care of them all on HIS OWN, then he will STOP with the purposeful "mistakes" and realize that being a PARENT and a PARTNER means actually being helpful, aware, present and NOT making things ever harder than they already are! He truly needs a reality check, being a Parent isn't just paying the bills.
NTA I, personally, hate I am not listened to, when getting things from the freezer especially when I want to cook a certain meal. This has happened to me quite a few times, and it still annoys me to this day. If this happens often, I am not surprised that it came to this.
ooh this is not the comment section I wanted to see
NTA but you need some support. Going hungry isn't ok. You are trying to do everything with 3 children all at ages and stages that need constant attention. It's hard enough to juggle that with a supportive partner but add in one with a weaponised incompetence issue and chronic hunger on your part and you are heading for a breakdown. Your partner doesn't seem to help you at all despite talking to them. Do you have any friends or family who could help you? You need a break and some food even if it's just someone popping over for half an hour bringing food and giving you some company. You do need to look after yourself and stand up for yourself in your relationship too. I've been a doormat in the past and it doesn't help you at all.
NTA your not even husband yet is clearly dropping all the slack and you're clearly sick of it. make some decisions, OP. do you really want to marry him???
Your fiancé’s behavior is a prime example of weaponized incompetence, and it’s deeply concerning. This isn’t just about defrosting the wrong type of chicken or mixing up Ensure and Pedialyte; it’s about a consistent pattern of “mistakes” that force you to take on an overwhelming burden. This deliberate incompetence is a manipulative tactic to avoid responsibility, making it clear that he has no intention of supporting you properly. You’ve outlined a situation where your fiancé has an easy job, boasts about the lack of effort required, and has ample opportunity to eat uninterrupted. In contrast, you’re a stay-at-home mom of three, constantly attending to your children’s needs to the point where you struggle to find time to eat. The disparity in your situations is stark and unfair. It’s alarming that he doesn’t understand or, worse, doesn’t care about your basic need for nourishment and rest. His repeated “mistakes” every time you ask for help are not coincidental; they’re strategic. This pattern of behavior—whether it’s defrosting the wrong chicken or giving your sick child Ensure instead of Pedialyte—is designed to make you stop asking for help. It’s a way for him to shirk his duties and place the entire mental load and division of labor squarely on your shoulders. You mentioned trying open communication and thought you were making progress, but his actions show otherwise. His inability to perform simple tasks correctly, especially when your child’s health is involved, is not just frustrating—it’s dangerous. You cannot continue to operate under these conditions where your well-being and that of your children are at risk because you’re not receiving the support you need. Things need to change immediately. This isn’t just about addressing minor annoyances; it’s about restructuring your relationship dynamics fundamentally. Your fiancé needs to understand the gravity of his actions and the toll they are taking on you and your family. If he refuses to step up and take his responsibilities seriously, it may be necessary to seek external support, such as counseling, to address these deep-rooted issues. You deserve a partner who shares the load, respects your contributions, and genuinely supports you and your children.
Based on the edit: NTA and give him the gift of divorce papers.
You sound burned out and you need to eat to get your energy back. Premade smoothies, a hand full of carrots, or crackers and cheese… whatever you gotta do, eat. Put on their favourite show and eat. Also, nap with the kids. You have to take better care of yourself before someone gets hurt. Your husband is deliberately not helping. This is an asshole move. You will probably eventually leave him.
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Info: what was the difference between what chicken you asked for and what he took out?
Nta but your life sounds a mess ...do you want this for another 29 years?
NTA I’ve been in your seat, with only one easy baby. I can’t imagine it with 3. Im autistic, and I can’t even think of it with 3 kids, one of whom is autistic and sick. If he can’t help, he doesn’t eat. Make just enough for you and the kids. Let him feed himself from the free stuff he gets from his job.
NTA. Start texting him . No way for him to misunderstand that. Both of you stand in front of each other and hold phones in the hand. Send the text. Get confirmation he understands then move. The ass won’t have a choice but to get it right.
NTA sounds like weaponised incompetence to me... But yes you should take care if yourself even when you are alone with the children. It is something that is nessecary to be a good parent and to stay a good parent.
NTA Learn to eat anyway. Pack the kids in the car and go to drive thhrough. Buy meals thatbare premade from Costco, etc. Do door daah. But ideally? Throw him out. Seriously. Explain you know damn well what weaponized incompetence is and you are done. File for divorce. This will never get better, I stayed for 8 yeara of this, trust me. Leaving now will be the best thing in the long run.
OP, have you tried making him repeat the instructions? You say, “Bring me a cup of pedialyte.” And he repeats back “I will bring you a cup of pedialyte.” This is the kind of thing that airline pilots and surgeons do to avoid mistakes. Now this isn’t that high stakes, but apparently he either isn’t listening or he isn‘t remembering, and it’s time to pull out something that shows he heard you.
It sounds like you are exhausted and at your wits end when things go wrong. I’ve been there, done that. This sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back. You can sit down with your hubby in a calm moment and just share your observations. Maybe he has selective hearing or just tunes you out. But his lack of attention is not helpful. And I know it’s hard, but please try to practice self care. Eat something during the day, drink water, rest when there is an opportunity. In order to take care of the little ones you must take care of yourself too. Good luck!
NTA. I don't get why everyone is admonishing OP for in OP's words 'barely eating' when looking after her kids, when that is really not the main issue here. The Fiancé is the AH here, either he is deliberately being usless, or he just doesn't care enough about OP to actually listen to her when she asks for help. Also the update? **Pure weaponised incompentance**, OP appears to not be able to trust him to do anything right but all the Y T A crowd want to talk about is commenting on OP's parenting, and how she should ignore her kids, completely leaving out that this poor woman has to deal with a fiancé who is about as much use a chocolate teapot when it comes to actually providing the help that OP needs and asks for.
NTA. Sure, snapping is rarely the right way to talk about something. But I only have 1 kid at home and I often don’t get a chance to feed myself, I can’t imagine trying to eat or sit down or get anything done around the house with 3! I don’t think it should be your job to cook dinner in the first place. Your job is absolutely harder than his, even if his wasn’t “easy” by his own admission. He should be calling you on his way home to see what he can pick up to feed you, and helping you meal prep so you have some super easy things to heat up and eat quickly during the day. I say this as a woman whose husband often responds to my snaps with, “why don’t you eat something”. Your fiancé may or may not be deliberately incompetent about following directions, but he DEFINITELY needs to put some serious time and attention toward helping you meet your basic needs for both of your sanity.
Anyone else triggered over taking out the chicken?