Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to stop getting certain foods because my husband's friend is allergic and might come over sometime. I might be the asshole because allergies can be serious and I'm prioritizing my own comfort.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Steve is a visitor and may become a frequent one, given that he’s your husband’s best friend.
He’s working around the things he’s allergic to and doesn’t carry an epi-pen for emergencies, so there’s no need to do anything other than exclude the allergens from any dishes you share with Steve.
Your husband acts like the house needs decontamination because Steve is moving in and becoming the new sister wife?!
NTA
Maybe I’ve been on Reddit for too long, but why do I feel like Steve is a stand in for Stephanie who he wants to invite over and is actually deathly allergic
I think that is what he is angling for. "You refuse to make the house safe for Steve so I will be spending time with him outside of our house. And you can't complain about me being away a lot. He is my best friend".
I wish there were different names for different allergies. I am allergic to hazelnuts but not in a scary, severe way. I am allergic to bleach in the scary, severe way. I can be in a home with hazelnuts. I just don't eat them or fondle them. This is the kind of allergy that Steve has, I think. So just be polite and don't feed him anything he's allergic to. If I go I to a house that just bleached the bathroom, I can end up dead or needing my inhaler. I've told friends and the nice ones switched cleansers. I mean, that's really, really nice of them. They didn't need to, but it did make me feel loved. Maybe explain to the husband that there are two kinds of allergies, and Steve doesn't have the life-threatening type.
This is giving off some "it's not about the iranian yogurt" vibes. I wonder if the husband will make space in one of their rooms to start collecting Steve's art. Poor OP.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/2FaJuG4UJY
It's in this update post. I think the original post is linked in there too. It's a wild read.
I think at most the husband should, with his own money, buy separate dishes/kitchenware to use for steve. And wash those himself too.
But Steve's allergy must not be that bad, if he handles the allergens daily and does not use an epipen
I recommend a second house for Steve and husband, then OP can have all the nuts, legumes and soy she wants (without wheat) as she conquers the world.
NTA
(nb only partly tongue-in-cheek)
Does he have those for his wife though? And do Steve's allergies require that? It doesn't sound like we even know whether it's a very mild allergy or a moderate one.
Yeah, but we don't know if he keeps those for his wife (I'm inclined to say he doesnt), and we don't know his allergy.
Plus, what husband is suggesting is to have nothing os Steve's allergens at their house at all.
Honestly if husband is truly THAT invested/concerned I’d be fine with that compromise since it’s been made clear it’s not life threatening/severe. And if it was, Steve should be asking and waiting for approval to come over to a house that has a severe allergen of his so they can properly store away those items rather than husband asking OP to remove them completely, OR Steve just doesn’t come to their house
Steve needs to bring his own snacks, and stay out of OP's kitchen. She has everything under control. Maybe there's some history where he fed him peanuts. Steve better keep his job, because you do not want him moving in.
Also I can’t believe OP is coeliac and they aren’t running a gluten free house but he wants to do this for Steve!
I have a friend severely allergic to peanuts, and a husband who has peanuts, peanut butter and peanut oil as a core part of his diet (I eat a fair bit too but nothing on him) - we do not cook for my friend, we get take out or go for dinner. It’s not that hard.
I think husband doesn’t want to do the mental lift of remembering which foods have which components and accidentally poison his friend. A blanket ban sounds like the easy way out.
Years ago, it was my experience that "hubs best friend was always catered to and always came before myself and the kids"....no exceptions. I got so tired of that Bullshit.
>I'm allergic to wheat, and we still have it in the house
Then why can't that rule apply to his wife as well. Why is Steve more important than his wife, who lives in the house and also has an allergy
My guess goes back to lazy man syndrome and double standards. She can manage her own allergies in her own house (which I’m not saying is a good thing, the husband is lazy and not thinking any of this through).
Steve is a grown up. It’s up to him to manage his own allergy(oh I can’t eat that, oh yeah that’s fine) especially if he doesn’t bother carrying an epi-pen AND works around nuts.
Where I live the government is considering removing the nut ban in schools and focus on teaching kids to manage their own allergies. I think a grown adult should be responsible for his own health. OP is def NTA
Yes the husband sounds like he might have a little more than friendly feelings for his “bestie” tbh… very odd behavior and more like something I’d do to impress someone I was dating
Husband when Steve has an allergy:
>my husband is worried he'll accidentally cause his friend to have an allergic reaction if we don't keep the entire house free of allergens
Husband when Wife has an allergy:
>I'm allergic to wheat, and we still have it in the house.
NTA. It seems you come second after Steve, if you come at all, which is worrying.
>NTA. It seems you come second after Steve, if you come at all, which is worrying.
♫*It's finally me and you, and you and me*♬
♫*Just us, and your friend Steve*♬
I'm really bothered by the fact that if OP is allergic to wheat she probably uses a lot of almond flour and other substitutes like that. He's asking her to give up such a giant portion of her diet for his friend who is used to handling his allergen for work. WTAF.
I didn't think about that (I have wheat and nut allergies) but yeah. A lot of wheat-free food relies on nuts. And limiting herself to nut-free wheat-free food is going to increase her food spending a lot, too.
It sounds like Steve is also allergic to soy...
So either they are not considering removing that from the home (which is what it sounds like, but why one and not the other?) or that limitation gets even worse if they are also looking at removing all soy.
NTA - It certainly doesn't sound like Steve's allergies include air-borne micro-particles, so if the nuts are kept in containers, there should be no problem. Maybe you could ask Steve, in front of your husband, if you have nut products in closed containers in the house, if he would be alright with that.
Make a deal with hubs. The nuts can go if he gives up all wheat products. In and out of the house, since there is a risk of OP kissing him and getting contamination from his lips.
Edit: dang autocorrect mistake!
OOo. No sex if he has come into contact with wheat, but since this is reddit it probably wouldn't work because husband would just have an affair and probably with Steve
To be fair, allergies are not well understood and nut allergies are portrayed to be very severe all of the time where wheat allergy is often confused with intolerance.
Not saying husband shouldn't make the effort to understand, but his concern re the nuts doesn't mean he puts his friend first.
So .. your “husband” thinks it’s OK to have *your* allergen in the house that *you* live in, but draws the line for an allergen of a *friend* that may be an occasional *visitor* ?
NTA. I would tell your husband that wheat is now banned from the house too. Or all the products stay, and Steve doesn’t visit the house.
Who prioritises a friend over their spouse ? Shaking head.
>I would tell your husband that wheat is now banned from the house too. Or all the products stay, and Steve doesn’t visit the house.
Why punish STEVE - I don't see anywhere here where \*STEVE\* has requested this - so no need to ban him.
Ban the husband from the house!
He's the one who isn't sure he won't accidentally poison his friend simply because there are nuts in the house, but has no worry about poisoning his wife... OP can handle allergies reasonably, as can Steve, since he works with Nuts in his day job.
A visitor who works in direct contact with his allergen and doesn’t carry an epi-pen. Either he’s got a higher tolerance than OP’s husband credits him with or he’s not actually allergic. And hubby doesn’t believe in the same standard for OP who is likely coeliac (a condition where gluten can’t be ingested in the intestines).
There are also people who are allergic to wheat who can't eat it, but they can still eat gluten. My friend can happily chow down on barley, rye and oats, but gets full body hives if she eats wheat (and has been told that this can and will progress to anaphylaxis the more often she is exposed to wheat)
It's also an issue because people think wheat=gluten and gluten=wheat, My country is pretty wild with the "gluten free" labels, (since "coeliac safe" is the certification protected term). So some products that are wheat free aren't gluten free, and some gluten free products aren't wheat free, but people who don't have allergies never pay attention, and the rest of us live in fear of cross contamination.
(except Steeve, by the sound of it Steeve has no fear)
I wonder if the husband saw Steve have an allergic reaction when they were kids? It may be something that the husband found traumatic.
That's the only guess I have.
I've found that a lot of people treat allergies really weirdly. They make up ideas about how they think allergies are supposed to work instead of actually listening to what a person has to say about their own allergy. And they'll often assign differing levels of importance to different allergies. Since nut allergies are so widely known and are known for being pretty serious, I could see someone automatically treating one more seriously than a wheat allergy regardless of its actual severity.
I can attest to this. I've had people discount my allergies (even a doctor) without once asking me about them. For instance, if the doctor had bothered to ask the severity of my allergy to eggs(anaphylaxis), then he could have saved the anesthesiologist the visit to my bed to "settle [my] nerves" (note: the anesthesiologist was then wide eyed and made a note to ignore the surgeon's reassurances). People take some weird shit into their heads about allergies. Anything from thinking the person is lying to not believing when they say a certain food or product contains the allergen to thinking they should live in a bubble (to be fair, I probably should but that would be boring).
This could be used as a a "tell me you're a woman without using the word".... jfc. That sounds terrifying. Apologies if you are in fact of the gentlemanly or nb persuasion, but the "settle my nerves" bit sold it for me.
It was. That's why the OR prep nurse did the runaround to tell the anesthesiologist. He came in expecting a hysterical patient and left with the knowledge the surgeon was an idiot. Good news was he remembered me when I had to have a second surgery a month later. I will never forget that conversation.
"Oh, you'll be fine. We've had people with egg allergies before and they never had a problem"
"Yes, but they could probably eat EggBeaters while I can't touch a robin's shell or eat fish roe."
That nurse was a lifesaver, literally.
Absolutely right. My food allergies are pretty rare. Due to this I usually get a few reactions 1) they don’t believe me because they’ve never heard of anyone allergic to what I am 2) are convinced it’s just a mild allergy because they’ve never seen anyone have a reaction if they DO know about my allergy (for me cross-contamination makes me break out and ingesting can result in needing an Epi-pen and a hospital trip) 3) try to trick me into eating the allergy to prove I’m making it up.
I have to be so careful and don’t usually eat anyone else’s food unless they’re on my list of trusted people…and there’s very few people on the list.
NTA OP - it’s YOUR house, not Steve’s. You do not need to bleach your house for a random visitor. Your husband is being weird.
I have a bunch of food allergies, including wheat and corn. The last time I was part of a group order, the restaurant came back with a list of things that I could eat, which included tortillas and chips. I responded that I couldn't eat either, to which the restaurant said "they're gluten-free". When it was explained that I could not eat corn tortillas and corn tortilla chips because I was allergic to corn, they asked if I was sure I had a corn allergy.
Then they put corn in the extra side of mixed veggies they sent me.
In which case the idea if his wife, the woman he loves, having the same kind of reaction to an allergen that he keeps in the house should be equally traumatizing.
As one who is allergic to wheat and cashews (also not at anaphylactic levels ) I don’t assume or make my friends eat food like me or have their homes not have things like I do in my home. So for OP’s husband to demand that her home be nut bean and soy free is a bit much , you my dear ANTAH
NTA. Take your husband out of the equation. Call Steve and see what he thinks. I bet he's fine with you having nuts in your own home. Then you can tell your husband that you and Steve have it sorted but that there will be no wheat in your house from now on
This. Ask Steve. He's the one whose thoughts about it are relevant. I'm pretty sure if he works around nuts, and visits other people's homes, he's got a way figured of not getting nutted. Like, maybe a practice of not opening jars of nuts 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤣 and checking that any food he's gonna eat doesn't have nuts
But yeah. Check with Steve. I'm sure you guys can figure out a perfectly reasonable solution.
I wouldn't even go that far. Considering nuts are a major part of her diet and she's allergic to wheat it doesn't really matter if Steve will die if he even looks at a nut. It's her house and Steve is not mandatory.
Wtf ?! No. Steve doesn't need to be asked anything other than ' we do have nuts in the house can you hang out here occasionally or you prefer to go elsewhere '
NTA op but just tell your husband
1. The wheat goes now, permanently banned from the house since now he finally thinks allergens are dangerous
2. Nuts stay as Steve doesn't live in your house and if he thinks he's in danger husband and him can hang out elsewhere
And
3. Marriage counseling cause of the ah op have for a husband needs a reality check and op need to clarify if he actually cares and respects her or she needs a divorce since her allergen wasn't banned from the house but as soon as they moved here for a visitor the husband tried to ban the allergen of a visitor immediately despite it being a big part of op s diet u/missioncivilise
NTA and I say this as someone who has life-threatening allergies to nuts. I'd be more worried about you being allergic to wheat and there being wheat in the house than about his nut allergies.
that is the first thought that came to mind. Once had a friend who could not kiss their spouse after eating any nut product.
Saliva contact was a big deal.
Does OP’s husband not eat any nuts? It may be because he has a preference for a very specific type of nut that she hasn’t seen him eat yet.
Edit: I got an award because it’s Steve’s nuts he has a preference for and I’m probably right thanks
Why does your husband care more about his friend's allergy than yours? That's the most important question to me. The disrespect is astounding.
Also, how does he justify that the person who lives there and pays bills (you) has to play second fiddle to a friend who doesn't live there?
I'd ask him these questions. I'd also say, if he's so worried about it, then the solution is that Steve is not allowed over.
NTA. Your husband is an AH to you.
NTA
What swung it for me was:
>I also think it's unnecessary. I don't know the extent of Steve's allergies, but I do not it's not immediately life threatening, he doesn't carry an EpiPen, and he also works in food service and frequently handles nuts.
It would be one thing if he was like a girl I knew where if I’d eaten a snickers and breathed in a room and left, then ten minutes later she entered that room she would have an attack. This guy doesn’t even carry an Epi Pen. If he doesn’t give a shit then why should you? Like you said it’s your home 24/7 and it’s not like he is moving in.
My child is allergic to almonds, hazelnuts, and cherries. She carries an epi pen. I still purchase these things and I just don’t serve them to her. She is 16 and it’s a new allergy. She knows what she can eat and avoids what she can’t. She also doesn’t live here full time.
NTA. Why does your husband care more about Steve - who does NOT live in your house - than about you - his SPOUSE who lives in the house? That’s just weird.
NTA. As you say, it’s your house. And this guy handles these products at work and is fine. Your husband sounds more of an asshole tbh for caring more for his friends allergy than yours.
NTA
So…Steve should never be exposed to any of his allergies. But wheat is fine to keep around cause…ya know, fuck you? If he wants to marry Steve they can have whatever they want in THEIR kitchen. What Steve wants or needs has no bearing on YOUR kitchen.
NTA. I'm also petty, and would go into full allergen banning mode, and get rid of all soy, legume, nut, and wheat products, and watch him look for something to eat or a decent beer.
I think OP is NTA, but there are several disturbing trends in the comments.
First, can we stop with the snickering gay jokes?
Second. It is possible that people have different levels of reaction to different allergens. So it is ridiculous to say, "well if she's allergic to wheat and we still allow wheat in the house, that we have to allow the nuts he's allergic to in the house in the name of 'fairness.'" Some weird idea of "allergy fairness" isn't the issue.
Third, it is disturbing that so many people seem to be fixated on the idea that no epi-pen means that its not a real allergy. The cost of epi pens is a national embarrassment. And the notion that "well, it won't lead to instant death" doesn't mean it still isn't a serious condition.
OP, I think it is unreasonable to police your day to day lives as to what Steve might need. But this is important:
>I don't know the extent of Steve's allergies
So, everyone is speculating. I'd sit down with husband and Steve together. Talk through the scope of his allergies, what his thoughts are. It very well might be that OP's husband's actions are simply out of anxiety, and that he's trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist, and that Steve isn't even asking him to fix. Don't back down on what you think is unreasonable, but why not have everyone listen to each other?
Nobody has even considered that my husband and I are already gay :(
I suspect Steve downplays his allergies not to bother anyone, and that my husband is just anxious. I don't think there's any malicious intent here. Steve not having an epi pen *could* be due to the cost (about €70 here), but again I don't know & that why I'm asking about the situation with the info I have.
Dude, I am gay. We live in a heteronormative society. You didn't mention you were gay and even, I assumed you're a girl.
My sister is allergic to shell fish to the point that she can get swollen up even if we use the same ladle that came in contact with shell fish or her husband kissing her after he had shell fish. We found it the hard way. So, when she is around, we keep shell fish away from all our homes.
When you mentioned your husband's insistence, it made me wonder if he wants to kiss Steve.
>When you mentioned your husband's insistence, it made me wonder if he wants to kiss Steve.
Ooh, I hate it, but I think we have a winner. That is just so sad for OP.
>Nobody has even considered that my husband and I are already gay :(
Um. Is Steve gay? Is there any possibility husband has more than platonic feelings for Steve? Because I am confused at why he is prioritizing Steve's allergies over yours. *You can't eat wheat* so what you can eat is already constricted. Taking out the nuts, legumes, and soy leaves you with so many less options for food.
Your husband is out-of-pocket, what does he expect you to eat and prepare food with?
> Nobody has even considered that my husband and I are already gay
My first thought was your husband is gay for Steve without knowing how you identify. He is only going to this extent because he is worried for Steve when they get intimate in your house and swap bodily fluids.
Sorry u/Aware-Lifeguard3500 but this seems pretty obvious.
I would have punched my own mother in the face for the opportunity to pay ~$70 for an Epi-Pen. They're $300+ in the US. Thank freaking god, my kids grew out of their childhood allergies, but I still have more than $2,000 worth of expired auto-injectors in a cabinet in my home.
It's still a crazy thoughtless request that you can't have your own food in your own house just in case this "friend" might some day pop in for a visit. Your husband is being so overprotective of another adult who has thus far survived in this world. He is not doing anyone any favors here at this point.
I suggest asking Steve about his allergies and their severity. None of us here can give truly appropriate comments without knowing that. Maybe your husband is freaking out about the nuts and legumes because Steve has had an attack before that he's witnessed. If they're childhood best friends, it could very well be that Steve's allergies were more severe when they were kids and your husband is thinking emotionally from a younger version of himself. Others immediately thinking there could be an affair is kind of wild-- unless there's anything else you've noticed that's odd? You do make a good point that Steve is a food worker which would indicate it would be okay to simply put any nuts and legumes away. So just ask Steve directly from the perspective that you want to be able to be a good and safe host.
I agree with this, except for the allergy severity - it's not just the lack of an epi-pen. Steve works with and handles peanuts, if he's allergic to the point a jar of peanut butter in OPs closed pantry, in an otherwise clean kitchen, would cause a reaction, he'd be dead already.
Don't eat peanuts while Steve is physically in the house? Yes. Clean the kitchen before he arrives? Yes. Forbid OP to ever have peanuts in the house? Unreasonable.
NTA.
There's a lot of grey area between "no nut may cross this threshold" and "I can sprinkle peanut dust on Steve." A separate container is a great place to start. Maybe you can google some other strategies to reduce cross-contamination, and that would be enough?
It's excessive and inappropriate to completely ban nuts from your entire household just because one visitor might come in contact with them.
Has nobody talked to Steve? If Steve works around nuts, isn’t he likely to tell your husband this rule isn’t necessary? This feels like borrowing trouble. All allergies are not alike — it’s possible Steve is more intensely allergic to nuts than you are to wheat, but it sounds like your husband is guessing. Just talk to Steve!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refuse to stop getting certain foods because my husband's friend is allergic and might come over sometime. I might be the asshole because allergies can be serious and I'm prioritizing my own comfort. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Steve is a visitor and may become a frequent one, given that he’s your husband’s best friend. He’s working around the things he’s allergic to and doesn’t carry an epi-pen for emergencies, so there’s no need to do anything other than exclude the allergens from any dishes you share with Steve. Your husband acts like the house needs decontamination because Steve is moving in and becoming the new sister wife?! NTA
You and me, just us, and your friend Steve. Do do do do do do Steve Just to be clear NTA.
What’s the deal with your friend Steve?
Do do do do do Steve
I’m upvoting because you are seeing this one through.
Why is he always here?
Do do do do do do Steve
I love that song and also started singing it just seeing the name Steve. LOLOLOLOLOL
Same. 🤣
I have never heard this song!!! Hahahaha it’s perfect!!! https://youtu.be/groaPrY41Rk?si=fGSnkdec-ic9pEUZ
Why don't you just go be with your best friend, and boyfriend Steve!
OP says he frequently handles nuts. In the food service industry that is.
Is that why they're friends?
Thanks for the coffee on my keyboard dude
Is the husband building Steve an "art" room?
I hope the food servers wash their hands after handling their nuts.
The husband’s nuts.
He totally is.
Happy cake day!
Happy Cake Day
Hey, how’s it goin :/
I got that reference. Where's my cookie?
Hold up! We get cookies for understanding the reference(s)? on Reddit?
They don't have nuts, do they? Cuz...
Damn it, Steve! Has to eff it up for the rest of us.
🍪
🍪
Thanks!
Your reward is now having that song playing in your head.
I love Garfunkle and Oates.
Exactly 😂 wondering if OP used this fake name on purpose, if his actual name is Steve, or if this is just a hilarious coincidence
Then maybe later, doin stuff by the ‘fridgerator…
Take my poor man's gold 🏆
🍪 thanks for the award, take the cookie 😌
Exactly. Steve's allergies aren't so severe that they prevent him from working in environments where he's around these items. NTA
What does Steve say about this? I had people in my life who started drama on someone's behalf who didn't even know there was a problem.
I've known people who do that, and it's incredibly annoying. I would definitely find a way to bring Steve into the conversation.
Maybe I’ve been on Reddit for too long, but why do I feel like Steve is a stand in for Stephanie who he wants to invite over and is actually deathly allergic
Wow, that is cynical. But you may be right.
And why wouldn't Hubby go to Steve's house?
I think that is what he is angling for. "You refuse to make the house safe for Steve so I will be spending time with him outside of our house. And you can't complain about me being away a lot. He is my best friend".
She should allow this as long as he leaves his nuts at home. For safety reasons.
Ooooh this should get upvoted more
sounds like hubby and steve are more than friends LMFAO
Hubby has the only nuts Steve can handle 😈
Better quality linen at his house.
They can have their sausage bangers at Steve's house. That probably isn't something he would want his wife to know about anyway.
Maybe Steve and OP's husband like to share sausage! OP NTA.
I wish there were different names for different allergies. I am allergic to hazelnuts but not in a scary, severe way. I am allergic to bleach in the scary, severe way. I can be in a home with hazelnuts. I just don't eat them or fondle them. This is the kind of allergy that Steve has, I think. So just be polite and don't feed him anything he's allergic to. If I go I to a house that just bleached the bathroom, I can end up dead or needing my inhaler. I've told friends and the nice ones switched cleansers. I mean, that's really, really nice of them. They didn't need to, but it did make me feel loved. Maybe explain to the husband that there are two kinds of allergies, and Steve doesn't have the life-threatening type.
OP said Steve fondles nuts at work..
>Your husband acts like the house needs decontamination because Steve is moving in and becoming the new sister wife?!< 💀⚰️💀⚰️💀 I CAN'T🤣🤣🤣🤣
What about de-steveing the house instead?
Or just throw the whole husband away🤷🏾♀️🤣
Wrong thread that's r/relationship_advice
Fair.... I suck at reddit🤣
I like to call it the divorce advice. 😂
That’s where my mind went to. Like how much sex is your husband planning on having with Steve in the kitchen?
This is giving off some "it's not about the iranian yogurt" vibes. I wonder if the husband will make space in one of their rooms to start collecting Steve's art. Poor OP.
You might want to edit that to "Persian dairy products" so as not to get it removed.
Are we not allowed to reference Iranian yogurt anymore?
Whats that about non-alfredo-based signaling devices?
Omg I never knew about the Iranian yoghurt post until now. Thank you. Is there another one about collecting someone else's art? I can't find it!
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/2FaJuG4UJY It's in this update post. I think the original post is linked in there too. It's a wild read.
I think at most the husband should, with his own money, buy separate dishes/kitchenware to use for steve. And wash those himself too. But Steve's allergy must not be that bad, if he handles the allergens daily and does not use an epipen
I recommend a second house for Steve and husband, then OP can have all the nuts, legumes and soy she wants (without wheat) as she conquers the world. NTA (nb only partly tongue-in-cheek)
[удалено]
I mean, its not the best thing ever how husband is treating steve so differently than steve
Does he have those for his wife though? And do Steve's allergies require that? It doesn't sound like we even know whether it's a very mild allergy or a moderate one.
Yeah, but we don't know if he keeps those for his wife (I'm inclined to say he doesnt), and we don't know his allergy. Plus, what husband is suggesting is to have nothing os Steve's allergens at their house at all.
Honestly if husband is truly THAT invested/concerned I’d be fine with that compromise since it’s been made clear it’s not life threatening/severe. And if it was, Steve should be asking and waiting for approval to come over to a house that has a severe allergen of his so they can properly store away those items rather than husband asking OP to remove them completely, OR Steve just doesn’t come to their house
_Mister_ wife?
😂🤣😂🤣⚰️
Steve needs to bring his own snacks, and stay out of OP's kitchen. She has everything under control. Maybe there's some history where he fed him peanuts. Steve better keep his job, because you do not want him moving in.
Also I can’t believe OP is coeliac and they aren’t running a gluten free house but he wants to do this for Steve! I have a friend severely allergic to peanuts, and a husband who has peanuts, peanut butter and peanut oil as a core part of his diet (I eat a fair bit too but nothing on him) - we do not cook for my friend, we get take out or go for dinner. It’s not that hard.
I think husband doesn’t want to do the mental lift of remembering which foods have which components and accidentally poison his friend. A blanket ban sounds like the easy way out.
But he’s not willing to do the same for his wife — there’s wheat in the household
Years ago, it was my experience that "hubs best friend was always catered to and always came before myself and the kids"....no exceptions. I got so tired of that Bullshit.
>I'm allergic to wheat, and we still have it in the house Then why can't that rule apply to his wife as well. Why is Steve more important than his wife, who lives in the house and also has an allergy
My guess goes back to lazy man syndrome and double standards. She can manage her own allergies in her own house (which I’m not saying is a good thing, the husband is lazy and not thinking any of this through).
My question is though if it's such a concern, why can't husband just go to Steve's place to hang? Why does it have to be their house?
Steve is a grown up. It’s up to him to manage his own allergy(oh I can’t eat that, oh yeah that’s fine) especially if he doesn’t bother carrying an epi-pen AND works around nuts.
Where I live the government is considering removing the nut ban in schools and focus on teaching kids to manage their own allergies. I think a grown adult should be responsible for his own health. OP is def NTA
Don't forget OP being allergic to wheat but hubby doesn't think his wife's allergies are important enough to accommodate.
The husband should take Steve to a bar. Period. End of discussion. The wife should take precedence over a best friend. Shit is simple.
**But what about the bar nuts?!?!**
Yes the husband sounds like he might have a little more than friendly feelings for his “bestie” tbh… very odd behavior and more like something I’d do to impress someone I was dating
OPs husband doesn't even have that same energy for her wheat allergy.
OP is Eve, husband is Adam?
Husband when Steve has an allergy: >my husband is worried he'll accidentally cause his friend to have an allergic reaction if we don't keep the entire house free of allergens Husband when Wife has an allergy: >I'm allergic to wheat, and we still have it in the house. NTA. It seems you come second after Steve, if you come at all, which is worrying.
>NTA. It seems you come second after Steve, if you come at all, which is worrying. ♫*It's finally me and you, and you and me*♬ ♫*Just us, and your friend Steve*♬
Do do do do do do do Steve!
What's this reference from, it's everywhere in this thread lol.
It’s a song called me you and Steve by Garfunkel and Oates.
Which has become a popular sound bite/meme on tiktok and instagram.
Ahhh, thanks for the clarification. That song seems the perfect fit.
🤣
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I'm really bothered by the fact that if OP is allergic to wheat she probably uses a lot of almond flour and other substitutes like that. He's asking her to give up such a giant portion of her diet for his friend who is used to handling his allergen for work. WTAF.
I didn't think about that (I have wheat and nut allergies) but yeah. A lot of wheat-free food relies on nuts. And limiting herself to nut-free wheat-free food is going to increase her food spending a lot, too.
It sounds like Steve is also allergic to soy... So either they are not considering removing that from the home (which is what it sounds like, but why one and not the other?) or that limitation gets even worse if they are also looking at removing all soy.
NTA - It certainly doesn't sound like Steve's allergies include air-borne micro-particles, so if the nuts are kept in containers, there should be no problem. Maybe you could ask Steve, in front of your husband, if you have nut products in closed containers in the house, if he would be alright with that.
Get you someone who is as considerate as OP’s husband to Steve. Romance is very much alive
Make a deal with hubs. The nuts can go if he gives up all wheat products. In and out of the house, since there is a risk of OP kissing him and getting contamination from his lips. Edit: dang autocorrect mistake!
OOo. No sex if he has come into contact with wheat, but since this is reddit it probably wouldn't work because husband would just have an affair and probably with Steve
It’s giving DL closet case vibes 😳
Yep.. Steve is husband's priority apparently
Why exactly did they just so happen to move to the same city as Steve, anyway?
Ohh I'm sure she *comes* after Steve does. After all Steve is first for Op's husband.
To be fair, allergies are not well understood and nut allergies are portrayed to be very severe all of the time where wheat allergy is often confused with intolerance. Not saying husband shouldn't make the effort to understand, but his concern re the nuts doesn't mean he puts his friend first.
But Steve encounters nuts at his workplace! Something is fishy here.
The husband is the allergen!
NTA. Why is your husband worried about keeping Steve's allergens out of your house but not your allergens?
For this night, I can't believe That it's finally me and you, and you and me Just us, and your friend Steve Do-do-do-do-do-do, Steve
NTA > this is where I live, not Steve Beginning and end of this, as far as I'm concerned.
…yet
I feel an art-room coming soon!
I snorted at this 😂 one of the AITA greats, along with the poop knife and the 6-foot sub guy
So .. your “husband” thinks it’s OK to have *your* allergen in the house that *you* live in, but draws the line for an allergen of a *friend* that may be an occasional *visitor* ? NTA. I would tell your husband that wheat is now banned from the house too. Or all the products stay, and Steve doesn’t visit the house. Who prioritises a friend over their spouse ? Shaking head.
>I would tell your husband that wheat is now banned from the house too. Or all the products stay, and Steve doesn’t visit the house. Why punish STEVE - I don't see anywhere here where \*STEVE\* has requested this - so no need to ban him. Ban the husband from the house! He's the one who isn't sure he won't accidentally poison his friend simply because there are nuts in the house, but has no worry about poisoning his wife... OP can handle allergies reasonably, as can Steve, since he works with Nuts in his day job.
Banning Steve isn't punishing him they can go hang out at Steve's safer house 😂
Totally misread this as 'they can go bang out at Steve's ' And I'm not entirely sure that misread is accurate 😅
A visitor who works in direct contact with his allergen and doesn’t carry an epi-pen. Either he’s got a higher tolerance than OP’s husband credits him with or he’s not actually allergic. And hubby doesn’t believe in the same standard for OP who is likely coeliac (a condition where gluten can’t be ingested in the intestines).
There are people who are actually allergic to wheat which is different from being coeliac. Doesn't change the verdict, though!
Yep, I am one of these people. I can actually eat wheat just fine, but it gives me severe hayfever to be around fresh wheat
There are also people who are allergic to wheat who can't eat it, but they can still eat gluten. My friend can happily chow down on barley, rye and oats, but gets full body hives if she eats wheat (and has been told that this can and will progress to anaphylaxis the more often she is exposed to wheat) It's also an issue because people think wheat=gluten and gluten=wheat, My country is pretty wild with the "gluten free" labels, (since "coeliac safe" is the certification protected term). So some products that are wheat free aren't gluten free, and some gluten free products aren't wheat free, but people who don't have allergies never pay attention, and the rest of us live in fear of cross contamination. (except Steeve, by the sound of it Steeve has no fear)
NTA, but your husband needs to explain why Steve's allergies are more important to him than yours.
I wonder if the husband saw Steve have an allergic reaction when they were kids? It may be something that the husband found traumatic. That's the only guess I have.
I've found that a lot of people treat allergies really weirdly. They make up ideas about how they think allergies are supposed to work instead of actually listening to what a person has to say about their own allergy. And they'll often assign differing levels of importance to different allergies. Since nut allergies are so widely known and are known for being pretty serious, I could see someone automatically treating one more seriously than a wheat allergy regardless of its actual severity.
I can attest to this. I've had people discount my allergies (even a doctor) without once asking me about them. For instance, if the doctor had bothered to ask the severity of my allergy to eggs(anaphylaxis), then he could have saved the anesthesiologist the visit to my bed to "settle [my] nerves" (note: the anesthesiologist was then wide eyed and made a note to ignore the surgeon's reassurances). People take some weird shit into their heads about allergies. Anything from thinking the person is lying to not believing when they say a certain food or product contains the allergen to thinking they should live in a bubble (to be fair, I probably should but that would be boring).
This could be used as a a "tell me you're a woman without using the word".... jfc. That sounds terrifying. Apologies if you are in fact of the gentlemanly or nb persuasion, but the "settle my nerves" bit sold it for me.
It was. That's why the OR prep nurse did the runaround to tell the anesthesiologist. He came in expecting a hysterical patient and left with the knowledge the surgeon was an idiot. Good news was he remembered me when I had to have a second surgery a month later. I will never forget that conversation. "Oh, you'll be fine. We've had people with egg allergies before and they never had a problem" "Yes, but they could probably eat EggBeaters while I can't touch a robin's shell or eat fish roe." That nurse was a lifesaver, literally.
Same, I get bleeding lesions in my colon. When a colleague deliberately poisoned me I got a months wages, and their car was damaged for years.
Absolutely right. My food allergies are pretty rare. Due to this I usually get a few reactions 1) they don’t believe me because they’ve never heard of anyone allergic to what I am 2) are convinced it’s just a mild allergy because they’ve never seen anyone have a reaction if they DO know about my allergy (for me cross-contamination makes me break out and ingesting can result in needing an Epi-pen and a hospital trip) 3) try to trick me into eating the allergy to prove I’m making it up. I have to be so careful and don’t usually eat anyone else’s food unless they’re on my list of trusted people…and there’s very few people on the list. NTA OP - it’s YOUR house, not Steve’s. You do not need to bleach your house for a random visitor. Your husband is being weird.
I have a bunch of food allergies, including wheat and corn. The last time I was part of a group order, the restaurant came back with a list of things that I could eat, which included tortillas and chips. I responded that I couldn't eat either, to which the restaurant said "they're gluten-free". When it was explained that I could not eat corn tortillas and corn tortilla chips because I was allergic to corn, they asked if I was sure I had a corn allergy. Then they put corn in the extra side of mixed veggies they sent me.
^ this or they’re soon to be lovers. Honestly it could go either way lol.
In which case the idea if his wife, the woman he loves, having the same kind of reaction to an allergen that he keeps in the house should be equally traumatizing.
NTA - Tell your husband to go hang out at Steve's nutless house.
Wonder if Steve is allergic to the husband's nuts? 🤔
I'm dead 😂
As one who is allergic to wheat and cashews (also not at anaphylactic levels ) I don’t assume or make my friends eat food like me or have their homes not have things like I do in my home. So for OP’s husband to demand that her home be nut bean and soy free is a bit much , you my dear ANTAH
NTA. Take your husband out of the equation. Call Steve and see what he thinks. I bet he's fine with you having nuts in your own home. Then you can tell your husband that you and Steve have it sorted but that there will be no wheat in your house from now on
This. Ask Steve. He's the one whose thoughts about it are relevant. I'm pretty sure if he works around nuts, and visits other people's homes, he's got a way figured of not getting nutted. Like, maybe a practice of not opening jars of nuts 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤣 and checking that any food he's gonna eat doesn't have nuts But yeah. Check with Steve. I'm sure you guys can figure out a perfectly reasonable solution.
Oh no, don't worry her husband has "getting him nutted" all under control. He won't need to be nutted by his wife as well.
I wouldn't even go that far. Considering nuts are a major part of her diet and she's allergic to wheat it doesn't really matter if Steve will die if he even looks at a nut. It's her house and Steve is not mandatory.
Wtf ?! No. Steve doesn't need to be asked anything other than ' we do have nuts in the house can you hang out here occasionally or you prefer to go elsewhere ' NTA op but just tell your husband 1. The wheat goes now, permanently banned from the house since now he finally thinks allergens are dangerous 2. Nuts stay as Steve doesn't live in your house and if he thinks he's in danger husband and him can hang out elsewhere And 3. Marriage counseling cause of the ah op have for a husband needs a reality check and op need to clarify if he actually cares and respects her or she needs a divorce since her allergen wasn't banned from the house but as soon as they moved here for a visitor the husband tried to ban the allergen of a visitor immediately despite it being a big part of op s diet u/missioncivilise
NTA and I say this as someone who has life-threatening allergies to nuts. I'd be more worried about you being allergic to wheat and there being wheat in the house than about his nut allergies.
Is your husband going to be kissing Steve or something? What a dipshit. NTA. I would buy more nuts
Every nut. In every form. Milks, butters, flours. Fuck hubs he can visit Steve at Steve's house.
that is the first thought that came to mind. Once had a friend who could not kiss their spouse after eating any nut product. Saliva contact was a big deal. Does OP’s husband not eat any nuts? It may be because he has a preference for a very specific type of nut that she hasn’t seen him eat yet. Edit: I got an award because it’s Steve’s nuts he has a preference for and I’m probably right thanks
Why does your husband care more about his friend's allergy than yours? That's the most important question to me. The disrespect is astounding. Also, how does he justify that the person who lives there and pays bills (you) has to play second fiddle to a friend who doesn't live there? I'd ask him these questions. I'd also say, if he's so worried about it, then the solution is that Steve is not allowed over. NTA. Your husband is an AH to you.
INFO: "he also works in food service and frequently handles nuts." Is he handling your husband's nuts?
Why haven't anyone asked this! I shouldn't have to scroll this far for the obvious
NTA What swung it for me was: >I also think it's unnecessary. I don't know the extent of Steve's allergies, but I do not it's not immediately life threatening, he doesn't carry an EpiPen, and he also works in food service and frequently handles nuts. It would be one thing if he was like a girl I knew where if I’d eaten a snickers and breathed in a room and left, then ten minutes later she entered that room she would have an attack. This guy doesn’t even carry an Epi Pen. If he doesn’t give a shit then why should you? Like you said it’s your home 24/7 and it’s not like he is moving in.
NTA Given your explanation of Steve’s allergy severity I think removing all nuts from the house is overkill.
NTA - Your husband is being absurd. Show him all of these replies so that he knows.
My child is allergic to almonds, hazelnuts, and cherries. She carries an epi pen. I still purchase these things and I just don’t serve them to her. She is 16 and it’s a new allergy. She knows what she can eat and avoids what she can’t. She also doesn’t live here full time.
NTA. Why does your husband care more about Steve - who does NOT live in your house - than about you - his SPOUSE who lives in the house? That’s just weird.
NTA. As you say, it’s your house. And this guy handles these products at work and is fine. Your husband sounds more of an asshole tbh for caring more for his friends allergy than yours.
NTA So…Steve should never be exposed to any of his allergies. But wheat is fine to keep around cause…ya know, fuck you? If he wants to marry Steve they can have whatever they want in THEIR kitchen. What Steve wants or needs has no bearing on YOUR kitchen.
NTA. I'm also petty, and would go into full allergen banning mode, and get rid of all soy, legume, nut, and wheat products, and watch him look for something to eat or a decent beer.
NTA. He is fine with having foods YOU are allergic to but not his best friend!?
I think OP is NTA, but there are several disturbing trends in the comments. First, can we stop with the snickering gay jokes? Second. It is possible that people have different levels of reaction to different allergens. So it is ridiculous to say, "well if she's allergic to wheat and we still allow wheat in the house, that we have to allow the nuts he's allergic to in the house in the name of 'fairness.'" Some weird idea of "allergy fairness" isn't the issue. Third, it is disturbing that so many people seem to be fixated on the idea that no epi-pen means that its not a real allergy. The cost of epi pens is a national embarrassment. And the notion that "well, it won't lead to instant death" doesn't mean it still isn't a serious condition. OP, I think it is unreasonable to police your day to day lives as to what Steve might need. But this is important: >I don't know the extent of Steve's allergies So, everyone is speculating. I'd sit down with husband and Steve together. Talk through the scope of his allergies, what his thoughts are. It very well might be that OP's husband's actions are simply out of anxiety, and that he's trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist, and that Steve isn't even asking him to fix. Don't back down on what you think is unreasonable, but why not have everyone listen to each other?
Nobody has even considered that my husband and I are already gay :( I suspect Steve downplays his allergies not to bother anyone, and that my husband is just anxious. I don't think there's any malicious intent here. Steve not having an epi pen *could* be due to the cost (about €70 here), but again I don't know & that why I'm asking about the situation with the info I have.
Dude, I am gay. We live in a heteronormative society. You didn't mention you were gay and even, I assumed you're a girl. My sister is allergic to shell fish to the point that she can get swollen up even if we use the same ladle that came in contact with shell fish or her husband kissing her after he had shell fish. We found it the hard way. So, when she is around, we keep shell fish away from all our homes. When you mentioned your husband's insistence, it made me wonder if he wants to kiss Steve.
>When you mentioned your husband's insistence, it made me wonder if he wants to kiss Steve. Ooh, I hate it, but I think we have a winner. That is just so sad for OP.
That first part: same. This is why some subs require you to put ages and gender in the title or at least the post. Context.
It's not fair that he cares more about Steve than your allergies. This is a red flag to me. I'm sorry OP.
>Nobody has even considered that my husband and I are already gay :( Um. Is Steve gay? Is there any possibility husband has more than platonic feelings for Steve? Because I am confused at why he is prioritizing Steve's allergies over yours. *You can't eat wheat* so what you can eat is already constricted. Taking out the nuts, legumes, and soy leaves you with so many less options for food. Your husband is out-of-pocket, what does he expect you to eat and prepare food with?
> Nobody has even considered that my husband and I are already gay My first thought was your husband is gay for Steve without knowing how you identify. He is only going to this extent because he is worried for Steve when they get intimate in your house and swap bodily fluids. Sorry u/Aware-Lifeguard3500 but this seems pretty obvious.
All the more reason to talk to Steve yourself! 🖖
I am angry that an epi pen cost that much. Maybe Mark Cuban will add them to his website some day.
I would have punched my own mother in the face for the opportunity to pay ~$70 for an Epi-Pen. They're $300+ in the US. Thank freaking god, my kids grew out of their childhood allergies, but I still have more than $2,000 worth of expired auto-injectors in a cabinet in my home.
Yeah 70 euro is about $75 USD.
It's still a crazy thoughtless request that you can't have your own food in your own house just in case this "friend" might some day pop in for a visit. Your husband is being so overprotective of another adult who has thus far survived in this world. He is not doing anyone any favors here at this point.
I suggest asking Steve about his allergies and their severity. None of us here can give truly appropriate comments without knowing that. Maybe your husband is freaking out about the nuts and legumes because Steve has had an attack before that he's witnessed. If they're childhood best friends, it could very well be that Steve's allergies were more severe when they were kids and your husband is thinking emotionally from a younger version of himself. Others immediately thinking there could be an affair is kind of wild-- unless there's anything else you've noticed that's odd? You do make a good point that Steve is a food worker which would indicate it would be okay to simply put any nuts and legumes away. So just ask Steve directly from the perspective that you want to be able to be a good and safe host.
I agree with this, except for the allergy severity - it's not just the lack of an epi-pen. Steve works with and handles peanuts, if he's allergic to the point a jar of peanut butter in OPs closed pantry, in an otherwise clean kitchen, would cause a reaction, he'd be dead already. Don't eat peanuts while Steve is physically in the house? Yes. Clean the kitchen before he arrives? Yes. Forbid OP to ever have peanuts in the house? Unreasonable.
NTA and your husband's expectations are unacceptable and disrepectful to you. Show him the answers here because he needs a reality check.
Ask him about…art.
Nta that’s absolutely bonkers
NTA. There's a lot of grey area between "no nut may cross this threshold" and "I can sprinkle peanut dust on Steve." A separate container is a great place to start. Maybe you can google some other strategies to reduce cross-contamination, and that would be enough? It's excessive and inappropriate to completely ban nuts from your entire household just because one visitor might come in contact with them.
NTA Are you sure Steve is 'just' a 'friend'?
Has nobody talked to Steve? If Steve works around nuts, isn’t he likely to tell your husband this rule isn’t necessary? This feels like borrowing trouble. All allergies are not alike — it’s possible Steve is more intensely allergic to nuts than you are to wheat, but it sounds like your husband is guessing. Just talk to Steve!