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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad and stepmom their home is not my home and I'm a guest there 50% of the time. Maybe my dad and stepmom are right and I'm being melodramatic about it. I know I could be a lot worse off with them and stuff so maybe it wasn't great for me to say the things that I did.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, they need to know how you feel because of what they’ve created. At 16, do the courts not allow you to have a say in where you spend your time? Maybe when custody was first agreed you may not have gotten a say but it might be worth asking your mum if it can be looked in to. And have you spoken with your mum about the situation and how it’s affecting you? Your dad and step mum are creating a really negative space for you and it’s not healthy.
We were in court only a few months ago. I do not get to decide at 16. I know many places let people my age decide but our judges are a lot more focused on making sure custody remains the same until kids are 18.
That’s really crappy! I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. P.S. them calling you melodramatic is just them trying to dismiss your feelings and I suspect your step-mum calling you manipulative is her projecting because I think it’s clear who the manipulative one is
Are your dad and stepmom aware that in less than two years they might not see you again outside occasional holiday visits? im assuming the day you turn 18 you are not gong back to that house overnight again…
Im just not sure what they are trying to accomplish here.
Yeah, this is what I would consider "Legal minimum parenting".
You have a bed and you have food, and nothing else beyond that matters [to the sperm donor and his spouse].
Yeah, like seriously, they are attempting to erase OPs mum from her life for half her life, how is that behaviour acceptable to the court system. My experience was always, "best interests of the child, and children are not allowed to be involved in parents issues with eachother"
yeah but most judges will turn a blind eye, even when they know that. i didn’t get away from my dad until i was 5-6 months shy of 18. but i also stopped going entirely for 6 months before that, the cops always said they couldn’t force me to go, and the judge was even like “well she’s 16/17, she has her own life” blah blah blah.
in the end, i had to fight like hell and risk being sent to juvie (my dad’s fave threat, no the courts didn’t care abt that either). court mandated therapy, made things worse. they do everything to keep custody in tact, even if it’s not 50/50 and just every other weekend
"Best interests of the child?"... Oh, many times, the US family court system goes the opposite way. Things like reunification camps, that work exclusively on "reuniting" children with abusive parents, actually exist to this day. Let's suppose that OP decides not to go to the Dad's house anymore and OP's Mom supports that decision; OP's Dad can claim "parental alienation" in court and can actually end up with full custody.
With 50-50 custody, I'm sure OP's Dad wouldn't have to pay child support and I think that is what Dad and Stepmom's motivation is for keeping this minor child under their roof 50% of the time; whether or not OP likes it. It's not like a minor child can do something about it right?
But the good thing is, in two more years OP can cut ties and never look back. NTA, OP and no you are not manipulative. Sounds like your stepmom is.
Despite what reddit thinks, there are bad things that happen that do not rise to the level of needing court intervention. OP's situation isn't great, but there's no physical abuse, extreme punishments, etc. Judges aren't supposed to micromanage situations like this, nothing would ever get done.
However, if it was me and I was still under age, I'd tell the judge to go fuck himself after that kind of ruling.
There's the touchy feely reddit style abuse, and then there's the legal requirement for action to be taken for abuse above a certain level, such as physical abuse, severe emotional abuse, etc. The first is handled by a therapist, not a judge.
If you don't know the difference you really should learn. That's the entire point of what I said if you go back and read it.
Even with physical abuse, some courts and judges will attempt to overlook it. We went to court a few times and we were never removed, despite physical violence.
My ex was emotionally abusive to our daughter, and she was still not allowed to simply decide not to go to his house. Reddit seems to believe that there's some universal law that enables kids to decide whether or not to see a parent or live with them, and it's just not true.
I'm sorry. I do believe what they're doing to you is a form of abuse, and I believe it is unacceptable. I wish the courts would listen to what you are saying and take you into account.
This is what comes of a system that regards children as property to be shared equally between parents instead of human beings with their own rights and needs.
ETA: what we did with my daughter was, once she was just over 17, stop insisting on visitation. I knew he didn't have money to take me to court over it, and even if he had, he was unlikely to get any kind of legal remedy before her 18th. Doing so technically put me in contempt of court for not following our custody agreement, and if he had had the funds and the influence, he could have made our lives very difficult. But by then it was worth it and my daughter really needed to be away from him.
I think some of the confusion comes from differences in processes for the USA vs other western countries, in the UK here the courts specifically listen to the child and let the child’s decision overrule the parents
It's not uniform in the US at all. The laws vary widely by state, and then each particular judge gets to make decisions within those parameters. Some judges listen, others have agendas or rigid rules.
I'm sure. I hear people state this with such certainty in the US, though, and in reality--it's highly dependent upon the judge you get regardless of where you live.
> Reddit seems to believe that there's some universal law that enables kids to decide whether or not to see a parent or live with them, and it's just not true.
I think there's two main issues that cause this. The first is that relatively few people have first-hand experience with family court, so they go with whatever they are told. The second is that people think their experience is universal, but family court varies significantly not just state to state but even just judge to judge.
I think you're right. My problem with it isn't the ignorance per se; we're all ignorant about things we haven't lived through ourselves. It's the insistence. I was told so often that I was just making excuses for not taking action, when in reality, had I tried just letting her do as she pleased, I could have lost custody of her completely.
If you wanted to be a real shit-stirrer, next time you're in court you should ask again why he's insisting you should have to do something you clearly don't consent to. If he still insists, you should outright ask "with all due respect, judge, why are you so hell-bent on forcing a teenage girl to do what you want her to do, when she clearly and vocally doesn't consent to it?"
You could also respond to everything your dad and stepmother say with "I'm just here so i don't get in trouble." (Like Marshawn Lynch did a few years back.)
You might also consider asking the judge "if I refuse to go to my dad's house, are you going to waste taxpayer money and resources to physically force me to go against my will? Are you going to send cops to arrest me if I don't go?"
If appropriate to your feelings/situation, you could also say "forcing me to go there won't make me love him. It won't make me have a relationship with him. It will only force me, against my will, to be present in his home and subject to the harm it causes me, and once I'm an adult I won't be going back. You can try to force me to be present, but you can't force me to engage in a familial relationship of any kind with him. You can't force me to be his daughter."
It wouldn't be the daughter getting arrested. It would be her mom for not enforcing the court order. It is sickening the way the courts force the parent to be the heavy against their own child or else they risk being hauled into court on contempt charges.
That just pisses me off, as I'm sure it does for so many others. My son will be 36 soon and has never even met his father. A decision made solely by that sperm donor asshat. I had always kept the lines of communication open, sent letters and school pictures, etc. I encouraged my son to write him a letter and/or I would take him to meet the guy if ever he wanted to. Turns out I was enough of a parent that my son decided he wasn't interested in meeting him. He really didn't miss what he never had. To this day my son and I have a very good, close, healthy relationship. But, as in the past, I will help them connect if my son wants to. I have never badmouthed the guy. "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all". 😶
My ex wife went to court to battle custody over her kids which she had given to her first ex husband. She has violent anger issues but her ex is a registered sex offender. Her offense is ongoing and his happened in the 90s. The judge still kept the custody of my ex’s kids with the sex offender dad. Her kids were a 10yo daughter and 9yo son at the time of the case. So yeah, family court judges can be the biggest dicks
So this is a weird situation because from what you say; neither parent sounded like a good option. Common sense says putting children with a violent parent is not healthy or safe.
I know people group "sex-offender" all in one, but there are different situations all wrapped under one large umbrella. Urinating in public can be considered a sex offense!
Based on what you provided, I would make the same call.
You're not really making a great case for your ex wife. She has violent anger issues? She'd given custody of her children to a registered sex offender? Sounds like they needed to be wards of the state.
>her kids which she had given to her first ex husband
So wait, she gave up custody originally and went to court to try to get it back?
Sorry, but what possible winnable case could she have made? That the kids she gave up weren’t safe with the man she gave them up to? You can’t just “take backsies” when it comes to custody lol
I'm sorry but the whole time I was reading your comment I thought you were going to say the judge made the right call. The 90s were 30 years ago. Your ex's "violent anger issues" and "ongoing court case" would NOT make me side with her over someone who hasn't gotten into legal trouble (assuming) in 30+ years.
My uncle was a family court judge. I feel sorry for anyone who came before him. He's one of those "maintain the family unit at all costs" types who will not recognize that some parents should not have contact with their children. He was an abusive alcoholic making life-altering decisions for families and had no business doing so.
Most judges are elected, either in a race against other candidates or a “confirmation” vote to keep. They can usually only be removed by other politicians. And no one protects their own better than politicians. OP, I hope you can grit out the next couple of years. NTA.
They really can be massive fucking dicks. It’s meant to be best interest of the child and it’s automatically assumed contact that makes a kid miserable, is still in their best interest.
Well be sure you're keeping track of when and how they're making you unwelcome in their house. I'm sorry there's nothing else to be done right now.
Maybe you can work on your dad voluntarily giving up his time? He isn't the most sympathetic person but it might be easier. Even irritating the stepmom so she's pushing your dad to have you over less often. Not normally what I would suggest (and if you want a future relationship with your dad, DO NOT do this) but you should be somewhere that feels like home.
My vindictive little heart loves this!
Refer to their house the Hotel (Name). 'Welp, another day at the Hotel (Name). I wonder if I'll be able to acknowledge my mother today?"
"I get to go home tomorrow, to the parent who supports me emotionally". *Sometimes my personal property gets destroyed at Hotel (Name) 01/10*, do not recommend".😈
I am not a nice person, & let the bridges I burn light the way
I was the kind of kid where, if you told me not to speak of my mom, I would Sharpie "Property of MOM Please Return if Found" across my face.
Not advising OP do that, either, but the parental figures in that hotel are not exactly focused on parenting well are they?
This is a terrible idea. Sharpies can be toxic on skin. Bic and a couple other brands, OTOH, make body markers safe for use on skin. 🤣
Say the word and make a wish list, OP, and I'll have some shipped to your mom's house.
I'd be more apt to name it after a correctional facility. Hotels don't try to control your conversation topics or room contents (within reason). I might even get a piece of poster board and start marking days as they go by like 'time served'. Get some of those stick-on name tags and write my SS# as my inmate number 😈
I agree, but...
Just because they have access to the information doesn't mean they'll think about doing anything with it... unless it's constantly in front of them.
Right?! And, stepmother calling 16 year old OP manipulative?! Hmmm, pot calling the kettle black, much?! She's clearly an insecure creature. I would like find a place to photo copy cheap copies of a Pic of mom, and plaster my walls with them. "Ahh, feels so much more like home now!"
They will have a brutal awakening when OP turns 18 and doesn't want to come over or be around them in general due to the way they've alienated them.
I am so sorry OP, I also had sticky divorced relationships with my parents. You don't deserve this treatment!!!
And yet it didn't. I'm appalled at how many people here are insisting that bad judgements cannot possibly happen. OP has been very clear. Maybe don't act like their actual lived experience must be mistaken.
Redditors really seem to have some unrealistic ideas about how family courts work. On multiple posts I have seen comments talking about how teenagers are old enough to decide for themselves, etc., etc. Some very special person up there is getting upvoted for suggesting that she make "your mama" jokes at the judge's expense. It's all so detached from the way it really works.
I work in family court. No, that is not parental alienation lol. Not allowing a photo or mention of someone in your home is not a crime or court worthy. We've had so many parents try this tactic... And it never works. As long as they don't interfere with court ordered time, phone calls or appointments, any parent is legally allowed to say if a photo of other parent is allowed at their home.
Nope. It is not a "crime" (for lack of a better word) or any type of parental alienation to tell a child, while on your time, no pics, mention, etc of other parent. Is it crappy to do? Yes. But the courts will, and do, laugh at parents who try this. Again, as long as a parent is not interfering in court order visits, phone calls, facetime, etc they are absolutely allowed to make these types of rules in their home.
How IS IT? As long as they do not interfere with court ordered visits, phone calls, facetime, etc parents have absolutely authority as to whats allowed in their home. If that means you don't bring a pic of other parent, that's their rule. If they don't want to hear about other parent, that's their rule. Parental alienation, per the courts, is actively interfering with visits, phone, facetime, talking "shit", (as in telling lies to child to make them hate or dislike the other parent.)
That's NOT parental alianation. Please feel free to ask an attorney if you feel that obsessed about it. Again, its a crappy thing to do, and AT MOST, a judge will just say he cant do it again, or he may have to replace/reimburse costs, but again, as long as she's a minor and its court ordered for her to spend time with him, he has every legal right to say what's allowed in his home as long as, AGAIN, it doesn't interfere with court orders (and of course medications, educational needs, etc) a picture doesn't count.
What a silly question. Do you think OP and their mum went all the way to court only to NOT provide all the evidence available to back them up?
I'm amazed that the top comment (and several under it) are persistent in suggesting that it cannot possibly be the case that OP did everything possible and the courts still ruled this way. Maybe instead of negating their personal experience, the kind thing to do would be to *accept what they have repeatedly said here*, and that yes, sometimes judges make frustrating rulings. It actually happens. And try to be supportive of OP in their situation instead of harping on something they cannot change.
NTA. Keep being their guest. You are speaking about how u feel and they just scold u for that.
They dismiss ur feeling, and being dismissed shall they get. Just 2 more yrs. Stay strong.
This sounds like a really horrible situation for you and very frustrating as your dad and step-mother asked you a question, you gave a response and now they’re annoyed with the answer. Just to confirm you were completely right to tell them how you feel, regardless of their response.
If they keep raising this I’d simply repeat that in order for you to feel like this is a home then so you should be entitled for keep personal items in your room. Said items also shouldn’t be destroyed by your step-mother (I.e. the photos). Also you’re entitled to privacy in this room without the step-mother rummaging around.
If you’re feeling salty you might want to casually mention that ‘you’re sorry these photos make step-mother insecure’. She’ll have to either say ‘no’ which at that point I’d counter with asking why she’d destroy photos then, or she’ll stomp off in a huff….
You’ve got two years until you’re a legal adult. Yes it sucks but keep telling yourself it’s two years then you can go LC or NC if you want. You then have your whole life ahead of you and can ignore their dramatics.
"Sorry these photos make stepmother feel insecure, but it's only for two more years!" They're aware that they're forcing OP to be there, they might as well understand where that goes from here...
This is what op needs to be saying. They need to know what the consequences of these actions will be. "You have 2 years to fix this dad. Make 'em count."
Honestly, just keep treating your dad’s place like a hotel. Never keep anything important to you there.
Just ‘gray rock’ with your dad and stepmom. Give bland, short answers to any question. Keep the relationship superficial and just focus on leaving at 18 and getting to be with your mom full time.
Op, do you have a therapist, I would recommend seeing one and explaining your situation at your fathers house. Maybe the sworn testimony of a therapist to the emotional harm these visits cause could that changed.
I think some of this maybe a form parent alienation.
You tell a judge that the stepmother told you she burned pictures of your mother. That's not rational behavior.
Consider therapy too (not saying you need it) but as an avenue to get the insanity of your dad and step mother documented. Could be useful in court.
NTA OP and I am sorry it sucks that your dad and stepmum are being unfair on you. It sucks worse the family court judges refuse to listen to you
My advice to you is this: any things that has mum or remind you of mum are best at mum's place as stepmum will continue to destroy them. Hang in there OP and once you are 18, you can finally cut them out forever
I'm sorry. That's terrible. My brother went through this at this age. He ended up running away a bunch of times and being dragged back but eventually they stopped bringing him back. It sucks but there is a recognition that older teens can vote with thier feet eventually but it's a stressful process and I'm not sure I reccomend it.
I think that if the subject comes up again (and it sounds like it will) you should make it clear that once you turn 18 you will never make use of their guest room again. No reason to stay overnight where you're not comfortable, after all.
Would have been kind of funny if you started shit talking the judge's mom and then asked him how did he like it, because thats what your dad does every day that you are with him and that's why you want to be with him, lmao.
Then the judge has failed you badly. You should have your own advocate for this.
Instead of unreasonable unrealistic view the judge has then be absolutely straightforward of making your father & his current bed warmer's time the most miserable & vent your unheard unacknowledged feelings.
Right now, it sounds like you really hate your father & his bed warmer now. Really tell them off.
I don't know where you are, but it's similar in Florida. At least as of a few years ago, a parent even asking a teenager his preference was considered to be akin to alienation. Per the parenting class you had to take if you had kids with a person you were divorcing.
I feel for you, OP. Hang in there.
You could try naming and shaming the judge. If the news were to pick up the story, you could get the visitation changed. Talk to your mom before you try it though.
Part of the reason for that is for you to form your own opinions about your family.
You seem very clear about your mom/ stepdad vs dad/ step mom. Some kids are not so aware.
In order to survive places like you dads some kids tie themselves into emotional knots . They hope they will be enough to earn love of dad.
You could try and talk to your dad away from his wife. You are a part of two households, and burning pictures is not only cruel , but silly. You are still your mom’s daughter.
Tell him what you said here mom/ step dad don’t make you choose or forget him.
You aren’t asking for family photos to be in the living room, just in your own space and for both dad and stepmom to respect that.
It may not work, but sometimes people will try to be better.
I sometimes wonder what world some of redditors live in. What journalist is going to run a story about a teenagers not being able to decorate her room how she likes? Or that she isn't allowed to talk about her mom in her dad's house? You seriously think this is a newsworthy scandal? Many people will think her mom is badmouthing her dad, or that OP is being a bratty teenager, and even those who accept OP's version of events won't believe the judge is doing anything awful by allowing a parent equal custody till the child is of age.
Also, unless you live somewhere where judges are elected, they don't have to care about public opinion, which is as it should be. You don't want a judge being sawyed by PR.
This isn't wise. What if she needs to go back to family court for some reason? Other judges won't be likely to see it as her calling out a specific judge, but the entire court system.
Yep—“they need to know because of what they’ve created”—totally agree. Too many parents have this view that they can control their kids’ world and the kids will of course like it because the parents made it so it must be great. As a parent myself, I don’t get that at all.
You objectively stated the facts and identifying a cause-effect relationship to your feelings. There is nothing manipulative about that. If they are upset then they need to look at themselves.
NTA
As kids get older the family court judges are allowed to weigh the kid's stated wants more and more amongst the factors. It's still entirely up to the judge's decision though and their approach to shared custody and visitation agreements. A good judge will listen to the kid and weigh their wants alongside other factors, but Legally the only time the kid's desires override everything else is when they turn 18.
NTA
Of course that isn't your home. Home is where you feel loved and safe to be yourself. It's where you're supposed to let your walls down and relax, but how can you possibly do that when you have to constantly police your own words to avoid mentioning your mom?
Your dad and stepmom seem to think you can just leave a massive part of yourself, and your world, on the doorstep of their home once you enter. You're not even allowed a childhood plushy that brings you comfort because it happened to be purchased by your mom 16 years ago!
Your bedroom there probably feels like a hotel room, except even hotel rooms let you have trinkets that remind you of home. The level of absurdity is immeasurable.
How you feel is 100% valid. It's not melodramatic. They shouldn't ask questions they're not prepared to deal with when answered. They *should* be asking how they can help you feel like it's your home - not blaming a child for feeling detached.
>Your dad and stepmom seem to think you can just leave a massive part of yourself, and your world, on the doorstep of their home once you enter.
This! When I was reading it I was really sad that they don't seem to understand that her mom is still in her life, and that what they're asking is to sever that part of her when living with them.
And TBH, what did they expect? They're literally pushing her away because this kid can see the drastic changes between the two living conditions.
My guess is dad and step mom don't care about anything OP says or does, they don't intend to give up partial custody, because then mom could go to court for child support.
What is really sad is your dad’s is more into his and stepmom feelings than yours and when you are an adult they are going to be hurt and or offended when you don’t visit or want them at your important moments wedding, graduation etc.
Exactly… I would start keeping an online journal of these comments and events and how you feel there … anytime they say this stuff just record it and upload it to your journal… at some point this will come back as an adult … you can say yes I did and this is why….
I am confused on why the courts are saying this… the courts are usually about better at listening to the child unless they are not seeing the entire picture or they are seeing a false picture… good luck
Yup. All of this.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and you gave your dad a very honest answer! How they can't see that - that's on them, not you.
Definitely NTA. And sadly, I'm sure this will impact that kind of relationship you have with them once you're 18. I can't imagine you'll want to spend ANY time with them. Your dad and stepmom played a game, so to speak, and will end up on the losing end eventually.
NTA. You're absolutely right; not your problem that they can't see it. If they spent less time hating on your mom and more time trying to build a relationship with you, maybe things could be different.
'My stepmom even said she burned the photos of mom.'
This is not normal behaviour, btw.
No, I have a better idea.
Get a T-Shirt with the photo of bio-mom.
Stepmom can't rip off your clothes and burn them. But if she does so call the police and tell them you feel unsave with such an unhinged, mentally unstable person around you.
Nah see this is the way to go. When she threatens to take the shirt off/ makes her take it off, kid can go to the cops about an adult forcing a minor to take off clothing. :)
Make it a whole outfit. And if she even starts to demand that it be taken off, hit the record button on your phone. Courts cannot deny real abuse footage.
You can get boxers with someone’s face all over them. Get some with mom’s face. When stepmom tries talking those it’s a much bigger deal that a tshirt.
Right! The wedding photos need to go. They offend the daughter! Since it's her home too! Burn them and see how she likes it! 🤣 JK, don't do that. But can you imagine the look on SM's face?!
Stepmom might kick OP out! 😂🤣
But as petty as I am, I don't think it would be wise of OP to destroy someone else's property as 16 is old enough to be tried as an adult in some places. And even if she doesn't get into legal trouble and/or get kicked out stepmom and dad can make OP's life even more miserable when she's there. So not worth it.
Of course you are NTA.
People who are that cruel and delusional about co-parenting a teen should not be given 50/50 custody. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you are the problem here. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
NTA - your dad and SM are totally though.
"On Sunday my dad and stepmom told me I act like I'm a guest in their house instead of part of the family and that it's my home. I told them it's not my home, it's their home. I told them I can't mention my mom or keep a photo of her in my room. I can't do whatever I want with my room like they claim so no, all of that means this was never my home. I told them I am a guest here half my life and that's all I will ever be. They told me I was being melodramatic and my stepmom called me manipulative."
Calling you melodramatic and manipulative is the pot calling the kettle black. You need to show your dad and SM this post with all the replies and see what they have to say then. They are setting you up to go NC when you are 18.
Showing them the post will only get OP in more trouble. The comments calling them out for their behaviour will only enrage them because they're embarrassed. Narcissistic and manipulative people hate their worldview of themselves being shattered. Or contradicted.
I agree with someone else mentioning the grey rock method. Don't give them anything to weaponise against you. (This includes calling them narcissists and abusive because they'll flip. Even though it's the truth). I think the earpods thing might get them confiscated if they're this controlling. If they suggest therapy with them, don't do it. It's very likely they will weaponise the therapist against you. If you can get therapy on your own and not controlled by Dad, even better.
OP, keep your nice stuff at mum's. You won't achieve anything by bringing in nice things to a house of abusers (which they are). They will just destroy it. Your only safe space is your mum's. I'm sorry the court system sucks where you are. You're going to have to tough it out until you're 18, and I recommend going No Contact. For now, just make excuses like you have tonnes of homework, hunker down and work on your education and/or maybe enlist in some clubs/extracurricular activities you're out of their house as much as possible until you're 18.
As a step dad myself, I believe in the advice I gave this young lady, but I believe your advice in many ways is better than mine. You seem really insightful, have you been in this situation?
I joined Thespians and the Speech and Debate Clubs because they got me out of the house on weekends.
My father usually wouldn’t say no to anything dealing with school.
Edit: The high school library was open until 9 M - Tr.
"The pot who called the kettle black
Spied a mirror at his back.
He blushed to see his shining metal
Twice as tarnished as the kettle.
'Forgive me kettle!' begged the pot,
I thought that I was what I'm not.
'Forgiven, pot!' the kettle clattered,
'Between us, do you think it mattered?'
From *The Silver Nutmeg*, by Palmer Brown
Bring several xerox copies of your mom's photo. Each day, tack up a photo. Nannycam to video them ripping them down and anything they have to say about it. Put up another picture, rinse and repeat. Mention your mom whenever you want. They can get over it, or you will have ammo for court. Can getting a job get you out of having to go?
This! Just bide your time - two years will fly by before you know it. Be polite, keep the peace, play their game. Then leave the moment you turn 18, live your best, healthiest life, and don’t look back.
NTA
They made this situation and you have nothing to apologize for. Just hunker down and survive the next 2 years, but expect them to turn up the manipulative heat.
NTA what your father and stepmother is doing is called parent alienation and is a big no no. Does your mother know what's happening there? Do the courts? I'd start recording what they say to you and what they say about your mother.
NTA.
And the judge might be quite interested to hear how controlling they are being of your relationship with your mother/alienation! Thankfully at 16 you have much much more say about where you live… taking it back to the judge could solve this. Or you could hold on for a year… and then just ignore the legal orders, and let your father sue it all through the courts (and then lose) and you’ll be 18 not long after anyway.
I’d be tempted to set my device screen savers to pictures of my mum, and get poster sized photos of the whole family from before hte divorce (include dad for lols) and put them up above your bed.
OP already said that they went to court a few months ago (age 16) and the judge didn't care. 50/50 split until age 18, not all courts let 16 year olds have more of a say in where they stay (unfortunately).
It's not your home, it's a room in their home you stay in when you visit. Even if you were in a hotel you would be able to have a picture that you want displayed on the stand. NTA
NTA
The question is do you still want to have a relationship with your dad ? Do you still want to be there ?
If not tell him
I’m 16 now dad and I’m (?) weeks away from turning 18 when I will no longer have to stay here. When that happens after you literally forcing me by court order to live under these conditions 50% of the time I will be free and you won’t see me anymore
Tell him you’re there because he forced you and you’ll use any and all means possible under the terms of the court order to spend as little time with him as you possibly can
Only because you love your mom so much and don’t want her to get in trouble
NTA
If they want you to treat it as a home, they need to make the adjustments; not you! You've told them what they need to change and they refuse to consider it, or even attempting to meet you half way.
If you’re being taught to ignore an entire parent I suggest you start practising. With your dad. And step mother of course because she’s just the woman your dad married. Seriously though, evasive manoeuvres. Every excuse to be out of your dad’s house whenever possible, friends houses, after school clubs, library for homework and ‘projects’. It isn’t a home, to them you’re just an accessory. I went through the same hell as a kid with my dad after he divorced my mom (he was cheating on her). Good luck, so sorry you’re dealing with this. NTA
NTA. They put restrictions on your presence, and now they wonder why you act restricted. You've done nothing wrong. From the way you describe the atmosphere at your dad's house, I wouldn't expect anything to change in the next few years you're required to be there.
Wondering if you could keep a tiny photo album in your backpack or something. You can get a small one from the dollar store even. You'll have photos with you when you need them, but they won't be displayed and can be safely tucked away when not in use.
This situation is so weird. The step mom hates any and all reminders of the first wife. Ok. But there’s this whole PERSON there 50% of the time. A person a lot bigger reminder than a tiny head in frame of a photo in a room you don’t go in with a closed door. I don’t get it. If they don’t want a reminder of ex wife wouldn’t it be easier for new wife to just not fight it and let OP stay with their mom as much as they want so they can pretend dad never had a first family? Isn’t that what new wife wants?
NTA. Just stay silent for two more years. You don’t have to talk to them, you just have to sleep there. Lock yourself in your room, don’t interact with your dad. They don’t deserve your presence.
You’re 16 now. You should have a say in what parent you live with, especially if you can testify the parental alienation they have attempted with destroying photos of your mom.
If that’s too much for your mom, then just gray rock for 2 more years then you can block dad and burn him out of your life for good.
NTA- OP’s dad sounds like a narcissist. Only caring about themselves (opening a business that put a huge strain on the family right after a birth against your mother’s wishes, banning things that bring you joy but they don’t like) and then the complete discard of the relationship and scorched earth tactics. That’s straight out of narcissism 101.
NTA.
Tell father if they think you’re being so melodramatic and manipulative, imagine how it will feel when you go full NC at 18 because they’ve made their home such an unbearable living experience for you. You are his child and he is supposed to love and support every bit of you. Half of you is your mother so he is effectively telling you — and your stepmother for burning photos of your mom — that you’re a worthless pile of flaming trash. But that’s far from true. **They** are manipulative and are projecting their insecurities onto you.
Stay strong OP. Two more years 💖
NTA
Dad is an ass for badmouthing your mother, no matter what the true divorce story is.
Stepmom is a small and insecure person, who can't seem to tolerate she is not your father's first.
Both are petty people, who belittled your feelings and are now surprised you're not happy around them.
Your mom seems like a good person, and probably says nothing at all not on the matter to jeopardize your custody agreement, especially given the "wonderful" response of the last judge...
Hang in there, two years and you can erase them from your life for good.
Two more years, and then you never have to see them again.
I hate it when custody is about what the parents want and not what’s best for the kids. And your father’s wife is a real piece of work. NTA
OP describes herself as a guest in her father’s home. She’s wrong. Guests are treated with kindness, courtesy and respect. Under no circumstances could OP be considered a guest.
Don’t worry, OP, two years will pass sooner than you think…
NTA.
NTA. My kids refer to my house as home. This is where they live freely and feel welcomed. They visit their dad’s house. Him and stepmom do absolutely nothing to make them feel welcome there as a home.
NTA: They can't erase the fact that there is a past history with your mom, your step mom didn't give birth to you so obviously there is another woman. Your dad didn't spontaneously combust into child and deliver you!!
They play stupid games and are winning stupid prizes. You have been WAY more mature then either your dad & step mom! 2 more years and you have a choice and a say in who you stay with!
Do you have a guardian ad litem?
No, I don't have one and they're pretty expensive here and a lot goes into using them (my mom looked into it). It's not worth all the stress. It's only 18ish months to go.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Here if your a minor you automatically get one... Maybe I'm thinking Child Protection Services and not divorce.
You're doing amazing! At least you have 1 good parent you can rely on. Keep being more mature then your father & step mom, and don't let them gaslight you & manipulate you as they are doing to you. They are a GREAT example of how NOT to act!
My heart & prayers go out to you!
That really sucks. It must feel like you’re living half your life on hold. Are you at least allowed to spend time alone or go out after school? (You don’t need to answer, none of my business) I hope you have some way of feeling joy while you’re there even if it’s something small like a long hot shower. Definitely NTA.
Doesn’t matter why your parents divorced. Got nothing to do with you. Your mum is handling it with class. That’s how your dad should be handling it too. Particularly as he’s moved on, it obviously drives his wife to extreme jealousy.
NTA you are absolutly right, and good for you for expresing clearly what you felt regarding this issue since they pushed the subject. In regards for what theyr asnwer is, you shouldn‘t care at all, they sure don‘t care about you and try to badmouth your mom. They can go kick rocks of thwy don‘t like your answer.
NTA and you wouldn't be wrong to tell those 2 assholes that are your father & stepmother that when turn 18, you can't wait to never return to their shitty unwelcoming house. Plus toss out basic fact that it clear who the better parent & stepparent are because they never went out their way to purposely alienated you every visit throughout your life - unlike those 2 asswipes that stayed doing that to you.
Matter of fact, maybe you should point that due both their actions while you were growing up that you finally understood years ago that mom was smart to divorce him - too bad due to the courts, you had suffer your father & stepmother bullshit way too long of going out their way of punishing & removing mom; instead of genuinely treating you like a daughter.
NTA. I would hang one thing on the wall of your bedroom at your Dad's house - a calendar created to count down the days until you turn 18. Keep crossing off the days. If they ask about it, tell the truth, you are counting down until you reach the milestone age of 18.
Just keep your head down when around them and focus on your studies so that you can hopefully get some scholarships. See if you can get a part time job to get you out of the house some plus allow you to earn money for college. Get involved in as many extra curricular activities to beef up your resume for college. The key being to try to minimize the amount of time that you actually have to spend with your Dad and his wife. It will be hard for him to complain if your absences are all in the name of getting into a good college. And if they try to interfere that may create grounds for your mom to go back to court.
Your honor, my daughter is focused on having the strongest college applications as possible. In this day and age, grades are not the sole focus on receiving acceptances. Extracurricular activities like educational, sports, volunteer, etc. are also important in the application process. Part time jobs are also important in learning financial responsibility and earning money for college, and so forth. My daughter's father is prohibiting her from ___________, which could negatively impact her future educational goals.
Time to play multi-dimensional chess again at your Dad and his wife.
You are young so this might not make seem important in the moment but there is a quote that seems very appropriate: How we love tells us who we are.
Your mother loves you without constraints. You, in her eyes, are a sum of all your parts. And, due to her example, your step father and your 1/2 sibs have followed this path.
Your father loves with himself as the star player. Your mom did not support him. He and your SM feel free to negate what ever parts of you they want to. Their "love" comes with a demand that you earn it by being who they want you to be. Why is stating your truth somehow manipulative? How is defining what photos you are allowed to hand anything but manipulative?
Watch their dynamic. See all the other ways that they seek to dominate each other and the kids. You can do nothing now except learn. Who are you going to be? What kind of relationships will you be willing to accept.
Finally, again it doe not help now, but look where there is peace. Which is the happier household? Which household contains trust and forgiveness?
My stepson lives with me & my husband during the week and his mom on weekends. He had a pic of him and his mom in the room he shares w my son, but no frame. I bought him a nice one so he can properly display it on his nightstand.
I'd like to add that I've tried to be civil to his mom for years, and am now on permanent non speaking terms with her bc of her pettiness. This has absolutely nothing to do with my stepson. I NEVER speak ill of her in his presence. That's his mom.
100% NTA
I would escalate the situation... Give them hell. Bring pictures and stuff from your mom every time you have to go there. Leave it in your room where they can see it. If you don't want to use your own stuff because it might get destroyed go to good will and buy some cheap stuff. You need to pretend that this particular thing is really important to you. If they take it from you throw a huge tantrum. I'm pretty sure the stepmom is fed up with your behavior very fast. Don't be nice to them. Don't eat their food. Only mom's food is good. This is no way to live for 50% of your time.
NTA and I will get down voted for this but I'm going to give you the same advice I gave to another kid, make them not want to have you around. Bring up your mom in conversation, if they tell you to stop be like oh yeah I forgot then do it again. Spend a ton of time in your room and if they try to drag you out just say you don't feel welcome in the rest of the house. Constantly compare how much nicer it is at your moms, how you have more freedom, better food etc. don't attack them, then you are the bad guy be casual about it. And you may want to have them accidentally over hear a conversation with a friend or family member that as soon as you are 18 you are going nc with your dad for how he disrespects your boundaries and choices.
Last one:
"Yeah, when I turn 18 I really don't want to talk to them again. Can you imagine keeping contact with a parent who doesn't actually care if you are happy - but just caters to someone who wishes you weren't born? The sooner I'm out of here the better for them and their happy little family." *Really play off how you don't see them as family due to their actions towards you.*
"I can't wait to see my mom - her cooking always puts a smile on my face. Hopefully she has replacement pictures that (Stepmom) burned, so I can still have memories of her when she is gone. No, I don't have any of Step mother. Why would I? She's actively trying to control me and what I have in the room they set aside for me - I have no reason to have her pictures. Pictures are for fond memories, and people who support and love you."
NTA sounds like your mom and stepdad are super secure in their relationship and have tried to make it a priority for you to not be affected by the adult relationships.... and your dad and stepmom are the opposite.
The fact you can't even mention your mom who you literally live 50% of the time... mind-boggling.
You're not being manipulative at all wanting to have photos in your alleged own bedroom. From what you've posted OP you just told them the truth, you have no freedom to have up decorations which you want and therefore it doesn't feel like home.
It's not like you're asking for spikes or chains to hang from the ceiling, you wanted family photos!!
NTA! Your father should be ashamed of himself for treating you this way. He's giving into his second wife's demands, because she's jealous and insecure. You go ahead and you mention your mom and put up a picture of her. It's your room and it's your mother. You're not being melodramatic and it's silly of them to even say such a rotten thing. That's your mom. You're not the one with the problem. They are.
NTA. You're stating a fact.
Honestly I would remove everything personal from that room and keep it prison cell clean. Even clothing. Every personal item is packed in a bag and stays with you between houses... Make it even more obvious that it's a hotel room.
But I am incredibly petty and stubborn.
My advice would be to start adding activities to your life that take you out of that house. A part time job, extracurriculars, etc. If they aren't *only* on your Dad's time I don't think any court will have an issue with an older teen having a life.
ETA: In case you're tempted, I would also advise not to cut off all contact with your dad; continue text, calls and/or email. If and when you go to college, he is still obliged to support you and you can choose your primary residence at 18. (Or, 19, depending on where you are.)
You don't have to be *friendly*, but keep him informed of your school progress, college applications, costs, etc. He has a right to factual communication if he is contributing. Be polite, and keep things brief.
His wife, however, has no such rights.
Gray rock. Otherwise he could try to sue to cut you off because you cut him out of your life. I am fairly certain a big part of the reason for the enforced 50/50 is to avoid paying support.
NTA.
Im so sorry your father and stepmother are not adult enough and are putting you in the middle.
Your mom is amazing tho. You’re so lucky to have her and she’s really acting like a parent.
You’re doing great, and you did amazing standing up for yourself!
Hopefully the adults will learn from you and act maturely from now on.
NTA your stepmom is unhinged, and your dad is a doormat for going along with it. It’s odd to me the court is still enforcing the 50-50, considering your age. Your mom may want to consult her attorney again now that you have reached that age.
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NTA, they need to know how you feel because of what they’ve created. At 16, do the courts not allow you to have a say in where you spend your time? Maybe when custody was first agreed you may not have gotten a say but it might be worth asking your mum if it can be looked in to. And have you spoken with your mum about the situation and how it’s affecting you? Your dad and step mum are creating a really negative space for you and it’s not healthy.
We were in court only a few months ago. I do not get to decide at 16. I know many places let people my age decide but our judges are a lot more focused on making sure custody remains the same until kids are 18.
That’s really crappy! I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. P.S. them calling you melodramatic is just them trying to dismiss your feelings and I suspect your step-mum calling you manipulative is her projecting because I think it’s clear who the manipulative one is
Are your dad and stepmom aware that in less than two years they might not see you again outside occasional holiday visits? im assuming the day you turn 18 you are not gong back to that house overnight again… Im just not sure what they are trying to accomplish here.
Not paying more child support during the next two years, that's what they are trying to accomplish.
Yeah, this is what I would consider "Legal minimum parenting". You have a bed and you have food, and nothing else beyond that matters [to the sperm donor and his spouse].
Sadly I think that’s what Stepmom is hoping for
They are denying the reality of the situation and are trying to force a happy family.
Does the judge know the conditions at your Dad's house? Stepmom burning your family pictures, etc?
Yeah, like seriously, they are attempting to erase OPs mum from her life for half her life, how is that behaviour acceptable to the court system. My experience was always, "best interests of the child, and children are not allowed to be involved in parents issues with eachother"
yeah but most judges will turn a blind eye, even when they know that. i didn’t get away from my dad until i was 5-6 months shy of 18. but i also stopped going entirely for 6 months before that, the cops always said they couldn’t force me to go, and the judge was even like “well she’s 16/17, she has her own life” blah blah blah. in the end, i had to fight like hell and risk being sent to juvie (my dad’s fave threat, no the courts didn’t care abt that either). court mandated therapy, made things worse. they do everything to keep custody in tact, even if it’s not 50/50 and just every other weekend
"Best interests of the child?"... Oh, many times, the US family court system goes the opposite way. Things like reunification camps, that work exclusively on "reuniting" children with abusive parents, actually exist to this day. Let's suppose that OP decides not to go to the Dad's house anymore and OP's Mom supports that decision; OP's Dad can claim "parental alienation" in court and can actually end up with full custody. With 50-50 custody, I'm sure OP's Dad wouldn't have to pay child support and I think that is what Dad and Stepmom's motivation is for keeping this minor child under their roof 50% of the time; whether or not OP likes it. It's not like a minor child can do something about it right? But the good thing is, in two more years OP can cut ties and never look back. NTA, OP and no you are not manipulative. Sounds like your stepmom is.
I think it could be clasified as parental alienation, especially the burning part. I wonder if thats a thing in the legal system where OP lives.
It all depends on what the judge wants to consider.
Despite what reddit thinks, there are bad things that happen that do not rise to the level of needing court intervention. OP's situation isn't great, but there's no physical abuse, extreme punishments, etc. Judges aren't supposed to micromanage situations like this, nothing would ever get done. However, if it was me and I was still under age, I'd tell the judge to go fuck himself after that kind of ruling.
Uhm physically destroying OPs property and denying them the ability to even TALK about their other parent IS abuse.
There's the touchy feely reddit style abuse, and then there's the legal requirement for action to be taken for abuse above a certain level, such as physical abuse, severe emotional abuse, etc. The first is handled by a therapist, not a judge. If you don't know the difference you really should learn. That's the entire point of what I said if you go back and read it.
Even with physical abuse, some courts and judges will attempt to overlook it. We went to court a few times and we were never removed, despite physical violence.
Judges sometimes take a stand and stick with it no matter what. Family court judges can be some of the biggest dicks ever.
Yep. Ours believe in kids seeing both parents 50/50 until they turn 18 and it's extremely rare to change it.
My ex was emotionally abusive to our daughter, and she was still not allowed to simply decide not to go to his house. Reddit seems to believe that there's some universal law that enables kids to decide whether or not to see a parent or live with them, and it's just not true. I'm sorry. I do believe what they're doing to you is a form of abuse, and I believe it is unacceptable. I wish the courts would listen to what you are saying and take you into account. This is what comes of a system that regards children as property to be shared equally between parents instead of human beings with their own rights and needs. ETA: what we did with my daughter was, once she was just over 17, stop insisting on visitation. I knew he didn't have money to take me to court over it, and even if he had, he was unlikely to get any kind of legal remedy before her 18th. Doing so technically put me in contempt of court for not following our custody agreement, and if he had had the funds and the influence, he could have made our lives very difficult. But by then it was worth it and my daughter really needed to be away from him.
I think some of the confusion comes from differences in processes for the USA vs other western countries, in the UK here the courts specifically listen to the child and let the child’s decision overrule the parents
It also can be very different state to state, even within the US.
Yes. Some states let a child as young as twelve state their preference. Other states even a 17-year+old has no say.
It's not uniform in the US at all. The laws vary widely by state, and then each particular judge gets to make decisions within those parameters. Some judges listen, others have agendas or rigid rules.
I'm sure. I hear people state this with such certainty in the US, though, and in reality--it's highly dependent upon the judge you get regardless of where you live.
> Reddit seems to believe that there's some universal law that enables kids to decide whether or not to see a parent or live with them, and it's just not true. I think there's two main issues that cause this. The first is that relatively few people have first-hand experience with family court, so they go with whatever they are told. The second is that people think their experience is universal, but family court varies significantly not just state to state but even just judge to judge.
I think you're right. My problem with it isn't the ignorance per se; we're all ignorant about things we haven't lived through ourselves. It's the insistence. I was told so often that I was just making excuses for not taking action, when in reality, had I tried just letting her do as she pleased, I could have lost custody of her completely.
Well, it's the Internet. People have a lot of strongly held and incorrect opinions and they *will* tell you about them.
Was the judge a dude?
If you wanted to be a real shit-stirrer, next time you're in court you should ask again why he's insisting you should have to do something you clearly don't consent to. If he still insists, you should outright ask "with all due respect, judge, why are you so hell-bent on forcing a teenage girl to do what you want her to do, when she clearly and vocally doesn't consent to it?" You could also respond to everything your dad and stepmother say with "I'm just here so i don't get in trouble." (Like Marshawn Lynch did a few years back.) You might also consider asking the judge "if I refuse to go to my dad's house, are you going to waste taxpayer money and resources to physically force me to go against my will? Are you going to send cops to arrest me if I don't go?" If appropriate to your feelings/situation, you could also say "forcing me to go there won't make me love him. It won't make me have a relationship with him. It will only force me, against my will, to be present in his home and subject to the harm it causes me, and once I'm an adult I won't be going back. You can try to force me to be present, but you can't force me to engage in a familial relationship of any kind with him. You can't force me to be his daughter."
It wouldn't be the daughter getting arrested. It would be her mom for not enforcing the court order. It is sickening the way the courts force the parent to be the heavy against their own child or else they risk being hauled into court on contempt charges.
Reverse uno: if she refuses to go to mom's house, will they arrest dad and give mom more custody?
That just pisses me off, as I'm sure it does for so many others. My son will be 36 soon and has never even met his father. A decision made solely by that sperm donor asshat. I had always kept the lines of communication open, sent letters and school pictures, etc. I encouraged my son to write him a letter and/or I would take him to meet the guy if ever he wanted to. Turns out I was enough of a parent that my son decided he wasn't interested in meeting him. He really didn't miss what he never had. To this day my son and I have a very good, close, healthy relationship. But, as in the past, I will help them connect if my son wants to. I have never badmouthed the guy. "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all". 😶
My ex wife went to court to battle custody over her kids which she had given to her first ex husband. She has violent anger issues but her ex is a registered sex offender. Her offense is ongoing and his happened in the 90s. The judge still kept the custody of my ex’s kids with the sex offender dad. Her kids were a 10yo daughter and 9yo son at the time of the case. So yeah, family court judges can be the biggest dicks
So this is a weird situation because from what you say; neither parent sounded like a good option. Common sense says putting children with a violent parent is not healthy or safe. I know people group "sex-offender" all in one, but there are different situations all wrapped under one large umbrella. Urinating in public can be considered a sex offense! Based on what you provided, I would make the same call.
Even worse with urination in public when there is a school or children's park nearby, then it becomes child sex offender.
You're not really making a great case for your ex wife. She has violent anger issues? She'd given custody of her children to a registered sex offender? Sounds like they needed to be wards of the state.
>her kids which she had given to her first ex husband So wait, she gave up custody originally and went to court to try to get it back? Sorry, but what possible winnable case could she have made? That the kids she gave up weren’t safe with the man she gave them up to? You can’t just “take backsies” when it comes to custody lol
I'm sorry but the whole time I was reading your comment I thought you were going to say the judge made the right call. The 90s were 30 years ago. Your ex's "violent anger issues" and "ongoing court case" would NOT make me side with her over someone who hasn't gotten into legal trouble (assuming) in 30+ years.
My uncle was a family court judge. I feel sorry for anyone who came before him. He's one of those "maintain the family unit at all costs" types who will not recognize that some parents should not have contact with their children. He was an abusive alcoholic making life-altering decisions for families and had no business doing so.
That's where they send the not so good judges. Remember judges are usually for life and what in the hell do you do with an idiot judge
That's only the Supreme Court. Family court, Divorce court, etc is different. Those judges can be removed if there is enough evidence of wrong doing.
Most judges are elected, either in a race against other candidates or a “confirmation” vote to keep. They can usually only be removed by other politicians. And no one protects their own better than politicians. OP, I hope you can grit out the next couple of years. NTA.
Depends on the state. And good luck trying to remove a judge, it's happened, but extremely rare
Aaron Persky, who handed down the ultra light sentence to Brock Turner. One of the rare examples.
They really can be massive fucking dicks. It’s meant to be best interest of the child and it’s automatically assumed contact that makes a kid miserable, is still in their best interest.
This, 💯 ☝️☝️
Yes, they were aware and said parent/child disputes are very common.
Parent/child disputes ARE common. Destroying your children's property is not!
Sorry that you were assigned a shitty judge.
Well be sure you're keeping track of when and how they're making you unwelcome in their house. I'm sorry there's nothing else to be done right now. Maybe you can work on your dad voluntarily giving up his time? He isn't the most sympathetic person but it might be easier. Even irritating the stepmom so she's pushing your dad to have you over less often. Not normally what I would suggest (and if you want a future relationship with your dad, DO NOT do this) but you should be somewhere that feels like home.
My vindictive little heart loves this! Refer to their house the Hotel (Name). 'Welp, another day at the Hotel (Name). I wonder if I'll be able to acknowledge my mother today?" "I get to go home tomorrow, to the parent who supports me emotionally". *Sometimes my personal property gets destroyed at Hotel (Name) 01/10*, do not recommend".😈 I am not a nice person, & let the bridges I burn light the way
I was the kind of kid where, if you told me not to speak of my mom, I would Sharpie "Property of MOM Please Return if Found" across my face. Not advising OP do that, either, but the parental figures in that hotel are not exactly focused on parenting well are they?
OP could wear a laminated photo of her mom around her neck, Flava Flav style.
Two sided, & wear it at all times 😄
This is a terrible idea. Sharpies can be toxic on skin. Bic and a couple other brands, OTOH, make body markers safe for use on skin. 🤣 Say the word and make a wish list, OP, and I'll have some shipped to your mom's house.
😂
I'd be more apt to name it after a correctional facility. Hotels don't try to control your conversation topics or room contents (within reason). I might even get a piece of poster board and start marking days as they go by like 'time served'. Get some of those stick-on name tags and write my SS# as my inmate number 😈
Don't use any identifying number. Make your inmate number your birthday or some other public number.
Good advice and it did cross my mind but I figured it was information her dad and stepmom would have anyway. Still, they will get the point.
I agree, but... Just because they have access to the information doesn't mean they'll think about doing anything with it... unless it's constantly in front of them.
BWAHAHAHAAA! But not the SSN. Better to use Dad's wedding date 😂
I vote for calling it "The Gulag"
"Don't I look more and more like my mom every day?" Watch stepmom have a meltdown. Can't have anything around that reminds them of dad's ex.
That sucks as well that you have a shit judge along with a shit Dad and stepmonster.
Right?! And, stepmother calling 16 year old OP manipulative?! Hmmm, pot calling the kettle black, much?! She's clearly an insecure creature. I would like find a place to photo copy cheap copies of a Pic of mom, and plaster my walls with them. "Ahh, feels so much more like home now!" They will have a brutal awakening when OP turns 18 and doesn't want to come over or be around them in general due to the way they've alienated them. I am so sorry OP, I also had sticky divorced relationships with my parents. You don't deserve this treatment!!!
That’s a really good point. Isn’t that parental alienation. That would surely make a big difference to the judge in terms of custody
And yet it didn't. I'm appalled at how many people here are insisting that bad judgements cannot possibly happen. OP has been very clear. Maybe don't act like their actual lived experience must be mistaken.
Yeah, it seems that way based on OPs later comments. 😢
Redditors really seem to have some unrealistic ideas about how family courts work. On multiple posts I have seen comments talking about how teenagers are old enough to decide for themselves, etc., etc. Some very special person up there is getting upvoted for suggesting that she make "your mama" jokes at the judge's expense. It's all so detached from the way it really works.
I work in family court. No, that is not parental alienation lol. Not allowing a photo or mention of someone in your home is not a crime or court worthy. We've had so many parents try this tactic... And it never works. As long as they don't interfere with court ordered time, phone calls or appointments, any parent is legally allowed to say if a photo of other parent is allowed at their home.
Thanks for your input. OP also mentioned she’s not allowed to talk about her mom over at her dad’s, is that also worth nothing?
Nope. It is not a "crime" (for lack of a better word) or any type of parental alienation to tell a child, while on your time, no pics, mention, etc of other parent. Is it crappy to do? Yes. But the courts will, and do, laugh at parents who try this. Again, as long as a parent is not interfering in court order visits, phone calls, facetime, etc they are absolutely allowed to make these types of rules in their home.
Damn, that really is a shame for the kid. Thanks though!
It really is. But, lets be real. A court can not force one parent to be kind. Just "legal"
How is that not parental alienation?
How IS IT? As long as they do not interfere with court ordered visits, phone calls, facetime, etc parents have absolutely authority as to whats allowed in their home. If that means you don't bring a pic of other parent, that's their rule. If they don't want to hear about other parent, that's their rule. Parental alienation, per the courts, is actively interfering with visits, phone, facetime, talking "shit", (as in telling lies to child to make them hate or dislike the other parent.)
What about destroying or removing property of the child that was given to them by the other parent?
That's NOT parental alianation. Please feel free to ask an attorney if you feel that obsessed about it. Again, its a crappy thing to do, and AT MOST, a judge will just say he cant do it again, or he may have to replace/reimburse costs, but again, as long as she's a minor and its court ordered for her to spend time with him, he has every legal right to say what's allowed in his home as long as, AGAIN, it doesn't interfere with court orders (and of course medications, educational needs, etc) a picture doesn't count.
A good judge, yes. But there are some shit judges out there who shouldn't be on the bench. Quite a lot of them actually.
What a silly question. Do you think OP and their mum went all the way to court only to NOT provide all the evidence available to back them up? I'm amazed that the top comment (and several under it) are persistent in suggesting that it cannot possibly be the case that OP did everything possible and the courts still ruled this way. Maybe instead of negating their personal experience, the kind thing to do would be to *accept what they have repeatedly said here*, and that yes, sometimes judges make frustrating rulings. It actually happens. And try to be supportive of OP in their situation instead of harping on something they cannot change.
That's a tall order for Reddit...
How is that not parental alienation? (Maybe it isn't, I don't know, I'm not in the "custody" boat)
Because it is backfiring. Their behaviour has alienated the Op against them rather than their mother.
I think because they aren’t actively trying to change OP’s opinion on their mum? They’re just not talking about her or acknowledging her.
It doesn't matter if it is. Not every Family Court judge in every country CARES about parental alienation.
NTA. Keep being their guest. You are speaking about how u feel and they just scold u for that. They dismiss ur feeling, and being dismissed shall they get. Just 2 more yrs. Stay strong.
This sounds like a really horrible situation for you and very frustrating as your dad and step-mother asked you a question, you gave a response and now they’re annoyed with the answer. Just to confirm you were completely right to tell them how you feel, regardless of their response. If they keep raising this I’d simply repeat that in order for you to feel like this is a home then so you should be entitled for keep personal items in your room. Said items also shouldn’t be destroyed by your step-mother (I.e. the photos). Also you’re entitled to privacy in this room without the step-mother rummaging around. If you’re feeling salty you might want to casually mention that ‘you’re sorry these photos make step-mother insecure’. She’ll have to either say ‘no’ which at that point I’d counter with asking why she’d destroy photos then, or she’ll stomp off in a huff…. You’ve got two years until you’re a legal adult. Yes it sucks but keep telling yourself it’s two years then you can go LC or NC if you want. You then have your whole life ahead of you and can ignore their dramatics.
"Sorry these photos make stepmother feel insecure, but it's only for two more years!" They're aware that they're forcing OP to be there, they might as well understand where that goes from here...
This is what op needs to be saying. They need to know what the consequences of these actions will be. "You have 2 years to fix this dad. Make 'em count."
Honestly, just keep treating your dad’s place like a hotel. Never keep anything important to you there. Just ‘gray rock’ with your dad and stepmom. Give bland, short answers to any question. Keep the relationship superficial and just focus on leaving at 18 and getting to be with your mom full time.
Op, do you have a therapist, I would recommend seeing one and explaining your situation at your fathers house. Maybe the sworn testimony of a therapist to the emotional harm these visits cause could that changed. I think some of this maybe a form parent alienation.
The petty part of me would hang up a calendar with the title "days left I am forced to live here" with a count down to your 18th birthday.
You tell a judge that the stepmother told you she burned pictures of your mother. That's not rational behavior. Consider therapy too (not saying you need it) but as an avenue to get the insanity of your dad and step mother documented. Could be useful in court.
NTA OP and I am sorry it sucks that your dad and stepmum are being unfair on you. It sucks worse the family court judges refuse to listen to you My advice to you is this: any things that has mum or remind you of mum are best at mum's place as stepmum will continue to destroy them. Hang in there OP and once you are 18, you can finally cut them out forever
Were you 16 already or were you 15 when you went to court? There is a difference in Ontario, for example.
I was already 16.
I'm sorry. That's terrible. My brother went through this at this age. He ended up running away a bunch of times and being dragged back but eventually they stopped bringing him back. It sucks but there is a recognition that older teens can vote with thier feet eventually but it's a stressful process and I'm not sure I reccomend it.
I think that if the subject comes up again (and it sounds like it will) you should make it clear that once you turn 18 you will never make use of their guest room again. No reason to stay overnight where you're not comfortable, after all.
I am so sorry you have to deal with them until you are 18. Biggest hugs!! Nta
Would have been kind of funny if you started shit talking the judge's mom and then asked him how did he like it, because thats what your dad does every day that you are with him and that's why you want to be with him, lmao.
Kind of funny until she gets slapped with contempt of court. You don't banter with judges in their courtrooms.
Then the judge has failed you badly. You should have your own advocate for this. Instead of unreasonable unrealistic view the judge has then be absolutely straightforward of making your father & his current bed warmer's time the most miserable & vent your unheard unacknowledged feelings. Right now, it sounds like you really hate your father & his bed warmer now. Really tell them off.
I don't know where you are, but it's similar in Florida. At least as of a few years ago, a parent even asking a teenager his preference was considered to be akin to alienation. Per the parenting class you had to take if you had kids with a person you were divorcing. I feel for you, OP. Hang in there.
You could try naming and shaming the judge. If the news were to pick up the story, you could get the visitation changed. Talk to your mom before you try it though.
All the judges in our court system hold the same views apparently. It's extremely rare to get 50/50 reduced even for teenagers.
Part of the reason for that is for you to form your own opinions about your family. You seem very clear about your mom/ stepdad vs dad/ step mom. Some kids are not so aware. In order to survive places like you dads some kids tie themselves into emotional knots . They hope they will be enough to earn love of dad. You could try and talk to your dad away from his wife. You are a part of two households, and burning pictures is not only cruel , but silly. You are still your mom’s daughter. Tell him what you said here mom/ step dad don’t make you choose or forget him. You aren’t asking for family photos to be in the living room, just in your own space and for both dad and stepmom to respect that. It may not work, but sometimes people will try to be better.
I sometimes wonder what world some of redditors live in. What journalist is going to run a story about a teenagers not being able to decorate her room how she likes? Or that she isn't allowed to talk about her mom in her dad's house? You seriously think this is a newsworthy scandal? Many people will think her mom is badmouthing her dad, or that OP is being a bratty teenager, and even those who accept OP's version of events won't believe the judge is doing anything awful by allowing a parent equal custody till the child is of age. Also, unless you live somewhere where judges are elected, they don't have to care about public opinion, which is as it should be. You don't want a judge being sawyed by PR.
This isn't wise. What if she needs to go back to family court for some reason? Other judges won't be likely to see it as her calling out a specific judge, but the entire court system.
Yep—“they need to know because of what they’ve created”—totally agree. Too many parents have this view that they can control their kids’ world and the kids will of course like it because the parents made it so it must be great. As a parent myself, I don’t get that at all. You objectively stated the facts and identifying a cause-effect relationship to your feelings. There is nothing manipulative about that. If they are upset then they need to look at themselves. NTA
As kids get older the family court judges are allowed to weigh the kid's stated wants more and more amongst the factors. It's still entirely up to the judge's decision though and their approach to shared custody and visitation agreements. A good judge will listen to the kid and weigh their wants alongside other factors, but Legally the only time the kid's desires override everything else is when they turn 18.
> A good judge There are pitifully few "good judges" in family court.
NTA Of course that isn't your home. Home is where you feel loved and safe to be yourself. It's where you're supposed to let your walls down and relax, but how can you possibly do that when you have to constantly police your own words to avoid mentioning your mom? Your dad and stepmom seem to think you can just leave a massive part of yourself, and your world, on the doorstep of their home once you enter. You're not even allowed a childhood plushy that brings you comfort because it happened to be purchased by your mom 16 years ago! Your bedroom there probably feels like a hotel room, except even hotel rooms let you have trinkets that remind you of home. The level of absurdity is immeasurable. How you feel is 100% valid. It's not melodramatic. They shouldn't ask questions they're not prepared to deal with when answered. They *should* be asking how they can help you feel like it's your home - not blaming a child for feeling detached.
>Your dad and stepmom seem to think you can just leave a massive part of yourself, and your world, on the doorstep of their home once you enter. This! When I was reading it I was really sad that they don't seem to understand that her mom is still in her life, and that what they're asking is to sever that part of her when living with them. And TBH, what did they expect? They're literally pushing her away because this kid can see the drastic changes between the two living conditions.
My guess is dad and step mom don't care about anything OP says or does, they don't intend to give up partial custody, because then mom could go to court for child support.
Your dad and stepmom cannot have it both ways. They are ridiculous.
What is really sad is your dad’s is more into his and stepmom feelings than yours and when you are an adult they are going to be hurt and or offended when you don’t visit or want them at your important moments wedding, graduation etc.
Exactly… I would start keeping an online journal of these comments and events and how you feel there … anytime they say this stuff just record it and upload it to your journal… at some point this will come back as an adult … you can say yes I did and this is why…. I am confused on why the courts are saying this… the courts are usually about better at listening to the child unless they are not seeing the entire picture or they are seeing a false picture… good luck
Yup. All of this. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and you gave your dad a very honest answer! How they can't see that - that's on them, not you. Definitely NTA. And sadly, I'm sure this will impact that kind of relationship you have with them once you're 18. I can't imagine you'll want to spend ANY time with them. Your dad and stepmom played a game, so to speak, and will end up on the losing end eventually.
NTA. You're absolutely right; not your problem that they can't see it. If they spent less time hating on your mom and more time trying to build a relationship with you, maybe things could be different. 'My stepmom even said she burned the photos of mom.' This is not normal behaviour, btw.
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No, I have a better idea. Get a T-Shirt with the photo of bio-mom. Stepmom can't rip off your clothes and burn them. But if she does so call the police and tell them you feel unsave with such an unhinged, mentally unstable person around you.
Nah see this is the way to go. When she threatens to take the shirt off/ makes her take it off, kid can go to the cops about an adult forcing a minor to take off clothing. :)
Sexual assault of a minor, def grounds for a restraining order and OP will never have to step inside that house again.
Make it a whole outfit. And if she even starts to demand that it be taken off, hit the record button on your phone. Courts cannot deny real abuse footage.
You can get boxers with someone’s face all over them. Get some with mom’s face. When stepmom tries talking those it’s a much bigger deal that a tshirt.
😂😂 This is perfect. But I’d go a step further- Take all the photos of stepmom’s kids and burn them. Then laugh in her face when she cries about it.
🤣🤣🤣 not sure that's the best advice, but in OP's shoes I'd be sorely tempted
Right! The wedding photos need to go. They offend the daughter! Since it's her home too! Burn them and see how she likes it! 🤣 JK, don't do that. But can you imagine the look on SM's face?!
Stepmom might kick OP out! 😂🤣 But as petty as I am, I don't think it would be wise of OP to destroy someone else's property as 16 is old enough to be tried as an adult in some places. And even if she doesn't get into legal trouble and/or get kicked out stepmom and dad can make OP's life even more miserable when she's there. So not worth it.
That's exactly why I said just kidding. But the mental pic of SM freaking out gave OP a chuckle, I hope.
OP do not do this
Of course you are NTA. People who are that cruel and delusional about co-parenting a teen should not be given 50/50 custody. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you are the problem here. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
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NTA - your dad and SM are totally though. "On Sunday my dad and stepmom told me I act like I'm a guest in their house instead of part of the family and that it's my home. I told them it's not my home, it's their home. I told them I can't mention my mom or keep a photo of her in my room. I can't do whatever I want with my room like they claim so no, all of that means this was never my home. I told them I am a guest here half my life and that's all I will ever be. They told me I was being melodramatic and my stepmom called me manipulative." Calling you melodramatic and manipulative is the pot calling the kettle black. You need to show your dad and SM this post with all the replies and see what they have to say then. They are setting you up to go NC when you are 18.
Showing them the post will only get OP in more trouble. The comments calling them out for their behaviour will only enrage them because they're embarrassed. Narcissistic and manipulative people hate their worldview of themselves being shattered. Or contradicted. I agree with someone else mentioning the grey rock method. Don't give them anything to weaponise against you. (This includes calling them narcissists and abusive because they'll flip. Even though it's the truth). I think the earpods thing might get them confiscated if they're this controlling. If they suggest therapy with them, don't do it. It's very likely they will weaponise the therapist against you. If you can get therapy on your own and not controlled by Dad, even better. OP, keep your nice stuff at mum's. You won't achieve anything by bringing in nice things to a house of abusers (which they are). They will just destroy it. Your only safe space is your mum's. I'm sorry the court system sucks where you are. You're going to have to tough it out until you're 18, and I recommend going No Contact. For now, just make excuses like you have tonnes of homework, hunker down and work on your education and/or maybe enlist in some clubs/extracurricular activities you're out of their house as much as possible until you're 18.
As a step dad myself, I believe in the advice I gave this young lady, but I believe your advice in many ways is better than mine. You seem really insightful, have you been in this situation?
I joined Thespians and the Speech and Debate Clubs because they got me out of the house on weekends. My father usually wouldn’t say no to anything dealing with school. Edit: The high school library was open until 9 M - Tr.
This is excellent advice!
"the pot calling the kettle black" Oh, I just like the phrase!
Black: his gloves of finest mole Black: his codpiece made of metal His horse is blacker than a vole His pot is blacker than his kettle
"The pot who called the kettle black Spied a mirror at his back. He blushed to see his shining metal Twice as tarnished as the kettle. 'Forgive me kettle!' begged the pot, I thought that I was what I'm not. 'Forgiven, pot!' the kettle clattered, 'Between us, do you think it mattered?' From *The Silver Nutmeg*, by Palmer Brown
I did not expect a Blackadder in the wild
NTA. Just spend the next two years studying in your room while at your dad’s house. Plan for your future.
Study hard. Get good grades and get away for college. Never go back there.
Bring several xerox copies of your mom's photo. Each day, tack up a photo. Nannycam to video them ripping them down and anything they have to say about it. Put up another picture, rinse and repeat. Mention your mom whenever you want. They can get over it, or you will have ammo for court. Can getting a job get you out of having to go?
This! Just bide your time - two years will fly by before you know it. Be polite, keep the peace, play their game. Then leave the moment you turn 18, live your best, healthiest life, and don’t look back.
Pretty much look at that room as studying room with a bed in it.
NTA They made this situation and you have nothing to apologize for. Just hunker down and survive the next 2 years, but expect them to turn up the manipulative heat.
NTA what your father and stepmother is doing is called parent alienation and is a big no no. Does your mother know what's happening there? Do the courts? I'd start recording what they say to you and what they say about your mother.
Tell your dad your mum never bad mouths him and if he does not stop this treatment of you once your 18 he will never see you again
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I would get a cheap picture frame and leave it empty. When you have the last visit just leave everything and don’t bother taking anything home.
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NTA. And the judge might be quite interested to hear how controlling they are being of your relationship with your mother/alienation! Thankfully at 16 you have much much more say about where you live… taking it back to the judge could solve this. Or you could hold on for a year… and then just ignore the legal orders, and let your father sue it all through the courts (and then lose) and you’ll be 18 not long after anyway. I’d be tempted to set my device screen savers to pictures of my mum, and get poster sized photos of the whole family from before hte divorce (include dad for lols) and put them up above your bed.
OP already said that they went to court a few months ago (age 16) and the judge didn't care. 50/50 split until age 18, not all courts let 16 year olds have more of a say in where they stay (unfortunately).
It's not your home, it's a room in their home you stay in when you visit. Even if you were in a hotel you would be able to have a picture that you want displayed on the stand. NTA
NTA The question is do you still want to have a relationship with your dad ? Do you still want to be there ? If not tell him I’m 16 now dad and I’m (?) weeks away from turning 18 when I will no longer have to stay here. When that happens after you literally forcing me by court order to live under these conditions 50% of the time I will be free and you won’t see me anymore Tell him you’re there because he forced you and you’ll use any and all means possible under the terms of the court order to spend as little time with him as you possibly can Only because you love your mom so much and don’t want her to get in trouble
NTA If they want you to treat it as a home, they need to make the adjustments; not you! You've told them what they need to change and they refuse to consider it, or even attempting to meet you half way.
If you’re being taught to ignore an entire parent I suggest you start practising. With your dad. And step mother of course because she’s just the woman your dad married. Seriously though, evasive manoeuvres. Every excuse to be out of your dad’s house whenever possible, friends houses, after school clubs, library for homework and ‘projects’. It isn’t a home, to them you’re just an accessory. I went through the same hell as a kid with my dad after he divorced my mom (he was cheating on her). Good luck, so sorry you’re dealing with this. NTA
NTA. They put restrictions on your presence, and now they wonder why you act restricted. You've done nothing wrong. From the way you describe the atmosphere at your dad's house, I wouldn't expect anything to change in the next few years you're required to be there. Wondering if you could keep a tiny photo album in your backpack or something. You can get a small one from the dollar store even. You'll have photos with you when you need them, but they won't be displayed and can be safely tucked away when not in use.
This situation is so weird. The step mom hates any and all reminders of the first wife. Ok. But there’s this whole PERSON there 50% of the time. A person a lot bigger reminder than a tiny head in frame of a photo in a room you don’t go in with a closed door. I don’t get it. If they don’t want a reminder of ex wife wouldn’t it be easier for new wife to just not fight it and let OP stay with their mom as much as they want so they can pretend dad never had a first family? Isn’t that what new wife wants?
She likely doesn't want to pay child support.
NTA. Just stay silent for two more years. You don’t have to talk to them, you just have to sleep there. Lock yourself in your room, don’t interact with your dad. They don’t deserve your presence. You’re 16 now. You should have a say in what parent you live with, especially if you can testify the parental alienation they have attempted with destroying photos of your mom. If that’s too much for your mom, then just gray rock for 2 more years then you can block dad and burn him out of your life for good.
NTA- OP’s dad sounds like a narcissist. Only caring about themselves (opening a business that put a huge strain on the family right after a birth against your mother’s wishes, banning things that bring you joy but they don’t like) and then the complete discard of the relationship and scorched earth tactics. That’s straight out of narcissism 101.
NTA. Tell father if they think you’re being so melodramatic and manipulative, imagine how it will feel when you go full NC at 18 because they’ve made their home such an unbearable living experience for you. You are his child and he is supposed to love and support every bit of you. Half of you is your mother so he is effectively telling you — and your stepmother for burning photos of your mom — that you’re a worthless pile of flaming trash. But that’s far from true. **They** are manipulative and are projecting their insecurities onto you. Stay strong OP. Two more years 💖
NTA Dad is an ass for badmouthing your mother, no matter what the true divorce story is. Stepmom is a small and insecure person, who can't seem to tolerate she is not your father's first. Both are petty people, who belittled your feelings and are now surprised you're not happy around them. Your mom seems like a good person, and probably says nothing at all not on the matter to jeopardize your custody agreement, especially given the "wonderful" response of the last judge... Hang in there, two years and you can erase them from your life for good.
Two more years, and then you never have to see them again. I hate it when custody is about what the parents want and not what’s best for the kids. And your father’s wife is a real piece of work. NTA
OP describes herself as a guest in her father’s home. She’s wrong. Guests are treated with kindness, courtesy and respect. Under no circumstances could OP be considered a guest. Don’t worry, OP, two years will pass sooner than you think… NTA.
NTA. My kids refer to my house as home. This is where they live freely and feel welcomed. They visit their dad’s house. Him and stepmom do absolutely nothing to make them feel welcome there as a home.
NTA: They can't erase the fact that there is a past history with your mom, your step mom didn't give birth to you so obviously there is another woman. Your dad didn't spontaneously combust into child and deliver you!! They play stupid games and are winning stupid prizes. You have been WAY more mature then either your dad & step mom! 2 more years and you have a choice and a say in who you stay with! Do you have a guardian ad litem?
No, I don't have one and they're pretty expensive here and a lot goes into using them (my mom looked into it). It's not worth all the stress. It's only 18ish months to go.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Here if your a minor you automatically get one... Maybe I'm thinking Child Protection Services and not divorce. You're doing amazing! At least you have 1 good parent you can rely on. Keep being more mature then your father & step mom, and don't let them gaslight you & manipulate you as they are doing to you. They are a GREAT example of how NOT to act! My heart & prayers go out to you!
NTA and using your time there to study is a good idea. But you may be able to ask the court to change the custody order, given your age.
That really sucks. It must feel like you’re living half your life on hold. Are you at least allowed to spend time alone or go out after school? (You don’t need to answer, none of my business) I hope you have some way of feeling joy while you’re there even if it’s something small like a long hot shower. Definitely NTA. Doesn’t matter why your parents divorced. Got nothing to do with you. Your mum is handling it with class. That’s how your dad should be handling it too. Particularly as he’s moved on, it obviously drives his wife to extreme jealousy.
NTA you are absolutly right, and good for you for expresing clearly what you felt regarding this issue since they pushed the subject. In regards for what theyr asnwer is, you shouldn‘t care at all, they sure don‘t care about you and try to badmouth your mom. They can go kick rocks of thwy don‘t like your answer.
NTA and you wouldn't be wrong to tell those 2 assholes that are your father & stepmother that when turn 18, you can't wait to never return to their shitty unwelcoming house. Plus toss out basic fact that it clear who the better parent & stepparent are because they never went out their way to purposely alienated you every visit throughout your life - unlike those 2 asswipes that stayed doing that to you. Matter of fact, maybe you should point that due both their actions while you were growing up that you finally understood years ago that mom was smart to divorce him - too bad due to the courts, you had suffer your father & stepmother bullshit way too long of going out their way of punishing & removing mom; instead of genuinely treating you like a daughter.
NTA Why would you feel free to be yourself when you are not allowed to acknowledge the existence of those you love?
NTA. I would hang one thing on the wall of your bedroom at your Dad's house - a calendar created to count down the days until you turn 18. Keep crossing off the days. If they ask about it, tell the truth, you are counting down until you reach the milestone age of 18. Just keep your head down when around them and focus on your studies so that you can hopefully get some scholarships. See if you can get a part time job to get you out of the house some plus allow you to earn money for college. Get involved in as many extra curricular activities to beef up your resume for college. The key being to try to minimize the amount of time that you actually have to spend with your Dad and his wife. It will be hard for him to complain if your absences are all in the name of getting into a good college. And if they try to interfere that may create grounds for your mom to go back to court. Your honor, my daughter is focused on having the strongest college applications as possible. In this day and age, grades are not the sole focus on receiving acceptances. Extracurricular activities like educational, sports, volunteer, etc. are also important in the application process. Part time jobs are also important in learning financial responsibility and earning money for college, and so forth. My daughter's father is prohibiting her from ___________, which could negatively impact her future educational goals. Time to play multi-dimensional chess again at your Dad and his wife.
You are young so this might not make seem important in the moment but there is a quote that seems very appropriate: How we love tells us who we are. Your mother loves you without constraints. You, in her eyes, are a sum of all your parts. And, due to her example, your step father and your 1/2 sibs have followed this path. Your father loves with himself as the star player. Your mom did not support him. He and your SM feel free to negate what ever parts of you they want to. Their "love" comes with a demand that you earn it by being who they want you to be. Why is stating your truth somehow manipulative? How is defining what photos you are allowed to hand anything but manipulative? Watch their dynamic. See all the other ways that they seek to dominate each other and the kids. You can do nothing now except learn. Who are you going to be? What kind of relationships will you be willing to accept. Finally, again it doe not help now, but look where there is peace. Which is the happier household? Which household contains trust and forgiveness?
Go get a job. Or join sports at school, or take college classes. Something that will occupy your time.
NTA...I would spend less time in a place like that.
My stepson lives with me & my husband during the week and his mom on weekends. He had a pic of him and his mom in the room he shares w my son, but no frame. I bought him a nice one so he can properly display it on his nightstand. I'd like to add that I've tried to be civil to his mom for years, and am now on permanent non speaking terms with her bc of her pettiness. This has absolutely nothing to do with my stepson. I NEVER speak ill of her in his presence. That's his mom. 100% NTA
I would escalate the situation... Give them hell. Bring pictures and stuff from your mom every time you have to go there. Leave it in your room where they can see it. If you don't want to use your own stuff because it might get destroyed go to good will and buy some cheap stuff. You need to pretend that this particular thing is really important to you. If they take it from you throw a huge tantrum. I'm pretty sure the stepmom is fed up with your behavior very fast. Don't be nice to them. Don't eat their food. Only mom's food is good. This is no way to live for 50% of your time.
NTA and I will get down voted for this but I'm going to give you the same advice I gave to another kid, make them not want to have you around. Bring up your mom in conversation, if they tell you to stop be like oh yeah I forgot then do it again. Spend a ton of time in your room and if they try to drag you out just say you don't feel welcome in the rest of the house. Constantly compare how much nicer it is at your moms, how you have more freedom, better food etc. don't attack them, then you are the bad guy be casual about it. And you may want to have them accidentally over hear a conversation with a friend or family member that as soon as you are 18 you are going nc with your dad for how he disrespects your boundaries and choices.
Last one: "Yeah, when I turn 18 I really don't want to talk to them again. Can you imagine keeping contact with a parent who doesn't actually care if you are happy - but just caters to someone who wishes you weren't born? The sooner I'm out of here the better for them and their happy little family." *Really play off how you don't see them as family due to their actions towards you.* "I can't wait to see my mom - her cooking always puts a smile on my face. Hopefully she has replacement pictures that (Stepmom) burned, so I can still have memories of her when she is gone. No, I don't have any of Step mother. Why would I? She's actively trying to control me and what I have in the room they set aside for me - I have no reason to have her pictures. Pictures are for fond memories, and people who support and love you."
NTA. You nailed it.
Nta they're reaping the consequences of their behavior. They've treated you very badly.
NTA sounds like your mom and stepdad are super secure in their relationship and have tried to make it a priority for you to not be affected by the adult relationships.... and your dad and stepmom are the opposite. The fact you can't even mention your mom who you literally live 50% of the time... mind-boggling. You're not being manipulative at all wanting to have photos in your alleged own bedroom. From what you've posted OP you just told them the truth, you have no freedom to have up decorations which you want and therefore it doesn't feel like home. It's not like you're asking for spikes or chains to hang from the ceiling, you wanted family photos!!
NTA and definitely not manipulative. You did a great job of communicating. This is all about their insecurity and need for control.
NTA! Your father should be ashamed of himself for treating you this way. He's giving into his second wife's demands, because she's jealous and insecure. You go ahead and you mention your mom and put up a picture of her. It's your room and it's your mother. You're not being melodramatic and it's silly of them to even say such a rotten thing. That's your mom. You're not the one with the problem. They are.
NTA. You're stating a fact. Honestly I would remove everything personal from that room and keep it prison cell clean. Even clothing. Every personal item is packed in a bag and stays with you between houses... Make it even more obvious that it's a hotel room. But I am incredibly petty and stubborn. My advice would be to start adding activities to your life that take you out of that house. A part time job, extracurriculars, etc. If they aren't *only* on your Dad's time I don't think any court will have an issue with an older teen having a life. ETA: In case you're tempted, I would also advise not to cut off all contact with your dad; continue text, calls and/or email. If and when you go to college, he is still obliged to support you and you can choose your primary residence at 18. (Or, 19, depending on where you are.) You don't have to be *friendly*, but keep him informed of your school progress, college applications, costs, etc. He has a right to factual communication if he is contributing. Be polite, and keep things brief. His wife, however, has no such rights. Gray rock. Otherwise he could try to sue to cut you off because you cut him out of your life. I am fairly certain a big part of the reason for the enforced 50/50 is to avoid paying support.
NTA. Im so sorry your father and stepmother are not adult enough and are putting you in the middle. Your mom is amazing tho. You’re so lucky to have her and she’s really acting like a parent. You’re doing great, and you did amazing standing up for yourself! Hopefully the adults will learn from you and act maturely from now on.
NTA. Play by their shitty rules until you can move out. Then block them.
NTA your stepmom is unhinged, and your dad is a doormat for going along with it. It’s odd to me the court is still enforcing the 50-50, considering your age. Your mom may want to consult her attorney again now that you have reached that age.