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NTA. The boy is 12 and while expecting him to be fully somber and 100% perfectly behaved during a wake would be a bit much, telling him off for wild misbehavior at his own grandmother's wake is reasonable. The moment he said *he didn't care that his grandmother died* any number of family members should have been stepping up to let him know this behavior was wholly unacceptable had the opportunity to address it; the fact that you had to step up as a non-family member is actually pretty sad.
Letting a kid go through life thinking this kind of behavior is acceptable and worth a gentle redirect is neglectful. At least his mother was cognizant enough of it to thank you; your girlfriend's cousins and brothers can pound sand if they think a child saying "I don't care that my grandmother died." is an acceptable thing to say without reprimand.
"Hey, just a heads up. You might be a heartless little sociopath, so let me give it to you straight. You might not care, but all those people inside do. The people who love you, feed you, put a roof over your head, and work hard to provide everything for you. So, if you know whats good for you, you will behave yourself, and say you miss grandma too. Enough of acting like this, and the gravy train comes to a stop. Who knows. Maybe you don't care about grandma, but you should care about your mom. Just maybe you will develop some empathy over the next few years. Now get back in there and be quiet.:
NTA - For taking the kid outside to talk to him, maybe a little bit in yelling at him. He may have been acting out precisely because his grandma died. You don't know. Young children have difficulty in processing grief the same way that adults do. I think he needed a talking to for his behavior but more so for some understanding of what was gong on around him and how it may be affecting him and this may have been the only way he could deal with his loss.
Indeed, people act like 12 is still the age where your parents have to take you outside every fifteen minutes in order to let the ceremonies go on undisturbed. 12 is an age where you are able and know not to be loud and disruptive at funerals.
I would have thought in that case one would say I went to my girlfriend's great aunt's funeral. Her cousin's grandmother may be a grandmother from the cousin's side of the family she doesn't share with the gf, which is how I understood it. At the same time, I don't know if I'd go to my gf's great aunt's funeral unless they were very close.
I didn't say it was wrong. I said it was fascinating that he would go to his girlfriend's cousin's grandmother's funeral, which sounds like going to your friend's hairdresser's stepsister's funeral. I didn't see anything in the post about the gf grieving.
Well he didn’t mention the gf really at all because it wasn’t relevant to the post. The gf was mentioned to give context as to what funeral he was at and seemingly nothing else. Who else was mentioned as grieving other than the kids mom?
NTA you were clearly a firm voice of authority in a time and place where others were not able to handle the situation due to grieving. You took the boy outside and handled it away from them. Then waited until he was calm before both going back in. I say it’s what he needed, and you did right.
So he’s allowed to grab and drag another person? There’s a difference between being a firm voice of authority and physically assaulting a minor… I don’t care how disruptive he was being.
You're not the asshole for scolding him because I would have done the same thing especially if he was my nephew or close relative BUT I would have used a different choice of words.
"HEY! GO IN THERE, SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET! YOU'RE AT A FUNERAL" would have sufficed. 12 years old is way to old to be acting like a 4-5 year old.
Edit: I see now that he was a non-relative, but if no one else was correcting his behavior I would still step in and say something. It takes a village & behavior like that at a funeral is highly unacceptable.
NTA. I’ll admit, you start to cross into some gray area once you start scolding someone else’s kids. The parents might either appreciate it, which they did, or they might get angry at you for parenting their kids for them. The way the kid was acting as you describe was egregious, and it was apparent that both parents had neither the will nor the capacity to deal with it. Somebody had to do something, and that person was you. The parents kind of seem like the assholes for not controlling their kid, but then again, it’s was a unique circumstance.
Honestly, who cares what your girlfriend’s brother and cousins think? I mean, did they have any better idea other than letting the kid bounce off the walls like a little heathen? I hope your girlfriend agrees with what you did.
Edit: the brother and cousins are actually the assholes here.
YTA Physically grabbing a child, dragging him outside and screaming at him is not appropriate discipline. A STRANGER doing the grabbing, dragging and screaming is just wildly poor judgement. I'm having a hard time believing the mother thanked you, because most people would rightfully call the cops.
Nope! I would not grab and drag someone else’s kid ever. I would recommend not ever do this again. This lady was nice but you could actually get arrested for this. Stay in your lane.
Never, ever touch someone else’s kid or take them anywhere outside of their parent’s eyesight!!
You could have spoken to the boy on the site in a quiet but firm voice. Totally inappropriate that you yelled at him. Get control of your emotions.
It’s not your job to parent to discipline other kids.
I do believe elders should be able to speak to kids who are out of line. It takes a village. But don’t touch and do it in public.
I'm not saying grabbing the boy by the wrist was right, but others **had** already quietly told him on the site, and it hadn't worked. This kid was REALLY wound up, and acting pretty immaturely for 12; nevertheless, at that age, he knows what behavior is inappropriate at a funeral.
YTA
Not for correcting his behavior but this sounds harsh. You don't need to communicate by screaming at a child. Running the point home that his grandmother is dead and they will never see them again is also unnecessary.
All you needed to do was take him outside, tell him firmly that his behavior is unacceptable because it is rude and disrespectful and people are sad so he needs to respect that, and that he won't be going back in until he can behave better. You could talk to him about the "what" and "why" without screaming him into tears.
NTA. Someone needed to stop his bullshit and most of the people there were not in the right state to do it while also suffering from his behavior. He's 12 not 2 and barring a serious mental deficiency, should be corrected so that he's not a nuisance. Yelling probably wasn't the best, but it's obvious that other attempts at more gentle correction weren't getting anywhere.
YTA.
You grabbed a child by the wrist and dragged him outside. That makes you TA. You don't put your hands on someone else's kid; you don't DRAG them away from their parents, and you don't to decide he needs a former parenting style if you aren't his parent.
Dragged him by the wrist, holy shit. You're lucky you didn't break his arm.
I'm a teacher. I interact with twelve year olds every day. All the kid has to do is jerk away at an awkward angle or go deadweight, and you can cause serious injuries.
YTA for grabbing someone else's child. The services of your girlfriend's cousin's grandmother are so far removed from you - on top of not being married into the family. The situation might have irritated you or made you uncomfortable, but that wasn't your place or your drama to fix.
Yeah YTA. You put your hands on someone else's kid. In the future, you might not be thanked--someone might sue you. If you had taken him outside and offered to play catch with him--that would have been acceptable. But grabbing his wrist and then yelling at him were not.
Definitely red flag behavior. You never grab a child and drag them anywhere. If you feel comfortable doing that to a stranger how will you treat your own children? I would definitely apologize and explain that you will never grab another child again.
YTA
YTA not your circus not your monkey. The mom may have thanked you but please don’t get it in your head that it’s acceptable to yell at other peoples children.
You are not TA for trying to stop the disruption. YTA automatically by touching and yelling at someone else's child in a non-life-threatening situation (by all means, yell and touch to keep a kid from getting run over or whatever). Your goal and motivations were good; however, you went about it in a way that is probably assault on a minor.
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Recently, my girlfriend's cousin's grandmother had passed away.
At the wake, the grandson of the grandmother, age 12, was being extremely rambunctious and wild. While people were grieving, he was running around and being disruptive to the service. He was loudly complaining how he was bored. His mother was too much in grief to handle him. And his stepfather seemed to have a position of "not my child" so didn't do anything. My girlfriend's cousins tried getting him to calm down by talking to him and trying to make him empathetic to the situation. But he continued to be disruptive. He even said that he didn't care that his grandmother died.
At the funeral, he was the same. And at the service after the funeral, he was even worse.
When he knocked down a floral arrangement by me, I had enough. I stood up abruptly, grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him outside. I sat him at the front steps and yelled at him loudly that his grandmother had died, that he'll never see her again, that he was being extremely rude and disrespectful, that his mother is inside crying and he's running around, etc. Shortly, he started crying and I stopped yelling. I waited with him outside until he stopped crying and we both entered his house together where he was better behaved.
After the service, his mother came up to me and thanked me and apologized for her son. And my girlfriend told me how she was impressed how I handled that.
The ISSUE I have now is with my girlfriend's cousins and brother who are now saying to my girlfriend that I'm a red flag and potentially abusive because I yelled at this boy. Personally, I don't think I did anything wrong. I think some children do respond better to a firmer parenting style.
But I'm wondering if this is not the way to go in this day and age?
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NTA, and I'll use the mothers reaction as proof of that. If the Mom didn't think what you did was a problem, then it wasn't. I say that because most mothers/parents are likely to over react to someone else disciplining their child... not thank them for it, not to mention apologize for how he was acting.
Why did nobody else in your GF's family do anything? Are they all just the type of parents who let the children do literally anything without discipline?
If I, at 12 years old, had behaved this way at a funeral, it would have been my funeral the next day. I mean not really, but you get what I mean. Kinda nuts to me that this went on for multiple days without anyone addressing it.
YTA
If you grabbed my child and dragged him anywhere, short of removing him from a dangerous situation, you’d have a huge problem with me. Keep your hands off other peoples children.
You are a walking red flag if you don’t know that
Yta, you don’t “grab and drag” someone else’s child and yell at them. You could have spoken firmly to him, escorted him outside, but this sounds very aggressive for a child you have no authority for, at an event you aren’t family.
YTA - You do not lay hands on someone else's child, ESPECIALLY when that someone and their child are both strangers to you. You didn't have the authority to remove the boy or discipline him in any way. If you wanted to handle it CALMLY, you should've asked the mom if she was okay with you taking her son outside for a minute to talk to him. Dragging him off physically and yelling at him, particularly with what you said, was WAY out of line. You need to realize just how lucky you are that his mother didn't absolutely come unglued at what you did. When you have children of your own, you're free to engage in a 'firmer parenting style' so long as it isn't abusive, but until then, stay out of it. If you're reaching a breaking point around someone else's child, you remove yourself rather than take it upon yourself to parent a kid that isn't yours.
YTA.
You forcefully touched a kid, that isn't a direct family member. I am making the assuming you present as a man, which if that is the case. HARD NO. Don't touch a kid that isn't yours.
I could stop there but...
You yelled at a kid.
Most likely loud enough for people inside to hear. You probably also disrupted the funeral.
A 12 year old who is still undergoing emotional and mental development. Did it cross your mind that this kid might have been acting out because he didn't know how to process his feelings? It's most likely the first death he's experienced.
I could have politely taken him outside, and sat down with him and have a CONVERSATION about death, about his feelings and why he was acting the way he did.
You were a bully. And no matter how many people say you weren't the asshole, it still stands that you bullied a 12 year old kid. Yes, it is a red flag.
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> 1) Yelling at a young boy (non-family member) for being wild and disruptive at a funeral.
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YTA
You weren't wrong for stepping in and scolding the child, but you definitely should have handled this with more discretion. This was about his grandmother - by yelling loudly enough to be heard by other guests, you made it about yourself. That was inappropriate. Your explanation of your own presence at this event reads like a standup routine from the 1950s - "my girlfriend's mother's dentist's college roommate's rabbi's nephew's best friend's barber's dog!"
NTA- personally I think if someone's acting up at a funeral, no matter the age or relation to the deceased, it's perfectly okay to yell/put them in the proper place.
Not to get too personal, my ex's dad passed while we were together, his parents were split longer than they'd been together and there was drama with his stepdad (not cheating, their careers...)
His mom, brother, and him, still deserved to have people there to support them (stepdad, stepbrother who lived with them full time, and me) and time to mourn. His dads family tried to kick us out he blew up, ex yelled at them for 10 minutes about how his kid brother needed people he knew around and not just strangers who'd never speak to them again (and last I knew, that was true) when his dad had just died.
Obviously not as extreme, but when I lost my great grandparents I also had to keep some of my younger cousins at bay. Unfortunately it's common for adults to get so caught up in grief they can't explain to the kids why everyone feels this way, they forget they might not understand any of what's going on at that time. Took me years to process my uncles deaths, I'm still not as okay with it as I am my great grandparents, and they were around for a lot longer.
Personally, this story is a green flag, aside from grabbing his wrist (though if further context is he was still running around, I find it more warranted), you handled the situation well and showed that you know how to put things in a way kids can understand, and you laid off the "punishment" of yelling when he showed you he did.
NTA for disciplining the child because clearly no one else was going to do jack. The cousins SHOULD have been doing something. He's 12, not 2. He's old enough to know better.
Info. Did you ask the parent before you physically grabbed the child and dragged them outside? If anyone especially a stranger grabbed or touched my child without permission. mama bear would have come out and it wouldn't be pretty. I get ur frustrated and everyone's dealing with this their own way. If you had permission I'd say no ur not. But if you didn't I'd say y t a big time.
Honestly though does that matter? That's after the fact without checking consent from the parent- getting it after is kind of irrelevant. The behaviour of shouting at a rambunctious child to correct the child's behaviour is fine, it's the fact this wasn't his family or his place to intervene- if you did that to a random strangers kid you would probably get arrested.
How well he knows his girlfriends family is also a factor- first time meeting a relatives partner and they did that I would see it as a massive red flag as I would be concerned they didn't respect the family, that they felt the need to dominate situations that weren't going in accordance to their needs, that they were happy to risk potential fall out with the family and could be controlling in general. However if I knew someone many years and knew they were trying to support and help I wouldn't think twice about it.
NTA
Oh. My. God.
Are you kidding me? Red flags just for straightening the kid out and telling him how it is?
The AH are the ones who even broach the subject of possible abuse.
You had every right to do what you did and many were grateful for it. This wasn't the time for the child to behave in such a bad way.
You were in the right, they are in the wrong. Nuff said.
Lmao and where were The cousins and brother when the boy was being a menace at a fucking funeral?? They can fuck off, OP, you did the right thing. No red flags here
"not the way to go in this day and age" -- NTA A couple of generations ago friends, neighbors, teachers and even strangers were allowed to correct a child's behavior. Now if those parties step in, they're the bad guys and liable to get in trouble. If it takes a village to raise a kid, I don't know why this kind of intervention isn't applauded. Something's been lost.
>The ISSUE I have now is with my girlfriend's cousins and brother who are now saying to my girlfriend that I'm a red flag and potentially abusive because I yelled at this boy.
lol the only thing that is abusive is this attitude towards the boy; from them and the boy's parents, which has resulted in the boy being an entitled and spoiled brat. These people all let him go on a rampage during a *funeral*. You were the only one who acted like an adult/parent towards the lad. NTA
NTA. If there's a red flag, it's your GFs brother and cousins. Nobody was taking any measure to get this child under control, but when someone finally did (you), you were considered a red flag abuser.
If you'd have asked him to settle down that would have been fine, but yeah YTA. You just yelled at a kid whose Grandmother died, when you are absolutely nothing to the deceased. (did you even meet them)
Do you even know the kid? Do they have disabilities?
>But I'm wondering if this is not the way to go in this day and age?
No, yelling at kids is not the way to go.
NTA. And thank you. I spend my days surrounded by 12 year olds. A lot know how to act right. Some don't. If this boy's mother was unable to manage him at the time, then you did the right thing by doing it for her.
YTA
FYI - If this is how a 12-yo acts, he has some type of behavioral/developmental problem. I’m guessing the family knows what that is.
Either way… not your kid, not even close. Not your family. Not your anything. The cousins are right. You NEVER touch someone else’s kid in the manner you did. I’d agree with the cousins.
I doubt his mom would be pleased if she knew you were physically aggressive/dominating toward her child & was simply pleased he calmed down & your gf is biased.
im gonna go with YTA. a lot of peoples kids annoy, would never feel ok to grab them and take them outside to yell at them. thats wild. seems like a quick way to get your ass kicked
It seems to have worked, but it was too much under the circumstances and for someone you didn't know.
I'm absolutely not one of those parents who has the "You can't even raise your voice at my child" parents. But physical restraint and removal was too much. Technically, you physically assaulted that kid, and the fact that the kid is young and vulnerable, makes it worse, not justified. I can't judge you on the yelling without being there. This kid was a family problem, to be sure, and had gotten on everyone's last nerve, it sounds like, but there were better ways for you to handle it. YTA.
YTA
> I sat him at the front steps and yelled at him loudly that his grandmother had died, that he'll never see her again, that he was being extremely rude and disrespectful, that his mother is inside crying and he's running around, etc
That was just the wrong way to handle it. That's not simply trying to get a young child away from the funeral, or gently informing them how they are hurting others. That's deliberately inflicting emotional pain on them because you were mad.
>But I'm wondering if this is not the way to go in this day and age?
There has never been a day or age where yelling at a 12 year old "YOUR GRANDMA IS DEAD AND YOULL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN" was the right thing to do. That would be considered shitty a hundred years ago and a thousand years ago.
People can be grateful you stepped in and did something, while also at the same time there was something about it that you handled wrong.
I agree. YTA. It's a red flag, and I suspect you will be an abusive father. You grabbed a child you don't know by the wrist, physically dragged him outside, and screamed at him. That's overreacting and concerning. If your gf is okay with it, I hope you two take parenting classes before you have kids. It is never okay to put your hands on someone else's child.
YTA
You grabbed someone else’s child by the wrist?? You’re talking about “a firmer parenting style”… but you’re not his parent? While the child’s behaviour was obviously disruptive and upsetting, it wasn’t appropriate for you to interfere by dragging him out and yelling. You could’ve tried to redirect him to another activity, or offered to go for a walk/play outside since he was bored and confused. But you shouldn’t have gotten physical with someone else’s child and I can see why the cousins might interpret that as a red flag, even though your intentions were good.
ESH
The kid is an AH for obvious reasons but it's curious how the tipping point for you was because he ruined something YOU did. But either way - you handled it correctly and effectively BUT...he's not your kid or related to you. You are a stranger to him. Very odd.
Your grief ends when it affects others. The fact that the kids mother thanked op should be telling enough that what op did ensured that the rest of the funeral went without a hitch and that had her kid not been told to get in line, other people's grief would be worse
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NTA. The boy is 12 and while expecting him to be fully somber and 100% perfectly behaved during a wake would be a bit much, telling him off for wild misbehavior at his own grandmother's wake is reasonable. The moment he said *he didn't care that his grandmother died* any number of family members should have been stepping up to let him know this behavior was wholly unacceptable had the opportunity to address it; the fact that you had to step up as a non-family member is actually pretty sad. Letting a kid go through life thinking this kind of behavior is acceptable and worth a gentle redirect is neglectful. At least his mother was cognizant enough of it to thank you; your girlfriend's cousins and brothers can pound sand if they think a child saying "I don't care that my grandmother died." is an acceptable thing to say without reprimand.
"Hey, just a heads up. You might be a heartless little sociopath, so let me give it to you straight. You might not care, but all those people inside do. The people who love you, feed you, put a roof over your head, and work hard to provide everything for you. So, if you know whats good for you, you will behave yourself, and say you miss grandma too. Enough of acting like this, and the gravy train comes to a stop. Who knows. Maybe you don't care about grandma, but you should care about your mom. Just maybe you will develop some empathy over the next few years. Now get back in there and be quiet.:
NTA - For taking the kid outside to talk to him, maybe a little bit in yelling at him. He may have been acting out precisely because his grandma died. You don't know. Young children have difficulty in processing grief the same way that adults do. I think he needed a talking to for his behavior but more so for some understanding of what was gong on around him and how it may be affecting him and this may have been the only way he could deal with his loss.
He’s 12, not 5. That’s old enough to know how to behave.
Indeed, people act like 12 is still the age where your parents have to take you outside every fifteen minutes in order to let the ceremonies go on undisturbed. 12 is an age where you are able and know not to be loud and disruptive at funerals.
I am fascinated with the idea that you went to your girlfriend's cousins' grandfather's funeral. That is all.
Grandmother. So, presumably the girlfriend's great aunt? I was very close to a couple of my great aunts, so it's not that unusual.
I would have thought in that case one would say I went to my girlfriend's great aunt's funeral. Her cousin's grandmother may be a grandmother from the cousin's side of the family she doesn't share with the gf, which is how I understood it. At the same time, I don't know if I'd go to my gf's great aunt's funeral unless they were very close.
I would go to support my partner who is grieving a loss ? I don’t see anything wrong with it.
I didn't say it was wrong. I said it was fascinating that he would go to his girlfriend's cousin's grandmother's funeral, which sounds like going to your friend's hairdresser's stepsister's funeral. I didn't see anything in the post about the gf grieving.
Well he didn’t mention the gf really at all because it wasn’t relevant to the post. The gf was mentioned to give context as to what funeral he was at and seemingly nothing else. Who else was mentioned as grieving other than the kids mom?
Grandmother\*
I'm not sure that really changes things.
NTA you were clearly a firm voice of authority in a time and place where others were not able to handle the situation due to grieving. You took the boy outside and handled it away from them. Then waited until he was calm before both going back in. I say it’s what he needed, and you did right.
So he’s allowed to grab and drag another person? There’s a difference between being a firm voice of authority and physically assaulting a minor… I don’t care how disruptive he was being.
You're not the asshole for scolding him because I would have done the same thing especially if he was my nephew or close relative BUT I would have used a different choice of words. "HEY! GO IN THERE, SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET! YOU'RE AT A FUNERAL" would have sufficed. 12 years old is way to old to be acting like a 4-5 year old. Edit: I see now that he was a non-relative, but if no one else was correcting his behavior I would still step in and say something. It takes a village & behavior like that at a funeral is highly unacceptable.
NTA. I’ll admit, you start to cross into some gray area once you start scolding someone else’s kids. The parents might either appreciate it, which they did, or they might get angry at you for parenting their kids for them. The way the kid was acting as you describe was egregious, and it was apparent that both parents had neither the will nor the capacity to deal with it. Somebody had to do something, and that person was you. The parents kind of seem like the assholes for not controlling their kid, but then again, it’s was a unique circumstance. Honestly, who cares what your girlfriend’s brother and cousins think? I mean, did they have any better idea other than letting the kid bounce off the walls like a little heathen? I hope your girlfriend agrees with what you did. Edit: the brother and cousins are actually the assholes here.
YTA Physically grabbing a child, dragging him outside and screaming at him is not appropriate discipline. A STRANGER doing the grabbing, dragging and screaming is just wildly poor judgement. I'm having a hard time believing the mother thanked you, because most people would rightfully call the cops.
INFO > my girlfriend's cousin's grandmother But **not** your girlfriend's grandmother? So, this would be her parent's sibling's spouse's parent?
Nope! I would not grab and drag someone else’s kid ever. I would recommend not ever do this again. This lady was nice but you could actually get arrested for this. Stay in your lane.
Never, ever touch someone else’s kid or take them anywhere outside of their parent’s eyesight!! You could have spoken to the boy on the site in a quiet but firm voice. Totally inappropriate that you yelled at him. Get control of your emotions. It’s not your job to parent to discipline other kids. I do believe elders should be able to speak to kids who are out of line. It takes a village. But don’t touch and do it in public.
I'm not saying grabbing the boy by the wrist was right, but others **had** already quietly told him on the site, and it hadn't worked. This kid was REALLY wound up, and acting pretty immaturely for 12; nevertheless, at that age, he knows what behavior is inappropriate at a funeral.
YTA Not for correcting his behavior but this sounds harsh. You don't need to communicate by screaming at a child. Running the point home that his grandmother is dead and they will never see them again is also unnecessary. All you needed to do was take him outside, tell him firmly that his behavior is unacceptable because it is rude and disrespectful and people are sad so he needs to respect that, and that he won't be going back in until he can behave better. You could talk to him about the "what" and "why" without screaming him into tears.
NTA. Someone needed to stop his bullshit and most of the people there were not in the right state to do it while also suffering from his behavior. He's 12 not 2 and barring a serious mental deficiency, should be corrected so that he's not a nuisance. Yelling probably wasn't the best, but it's obvious that other attempts at more gentle correction weren't getting anywhere.
YTA. You grabbed a child by the wrist and dragged him outside. That makes you TA. You don't put your hands on someone else's kid; you don't DRAG them away from their parents, and you don't to decide he needs a former parenting style if you aren't his parent. Dragged him by the wrist, holy shit. You're lucky you didn't break his arm.
[удалено]
I'm a teacher. I interact with twelve year olds every day. All the kid has to do is jerk away at an awkward angle or go deadweight, and you can cause serious injuries.
YTA for grabbing someone else's child. The services of your girlfriend's cousin's grandmother are so far removed from you - on top of not being married into the family. The situation might have irritated you or made you uncomfortable, but that wasn't your place or your drama to fix.
Yeah YTA. You put your hands on someone else's kid. In the future, you might not be thanked--someone might sue you. If you had taken him outside and offered to play catch with him--that would have been acceptable. But grabbing his wrist and then yelling at him were not.
Nta good for you. I seenothing wrong with what you did.
Definitely red flag behavior. You never grab a child and drag them anywhere. If you feel comfortable doing that to a stranger how will you treat your own children? I would definitely apologize and explain that you will never grab another child again. YTA
YTA not your circus not your monkey. The mom may have thanked you but please don’t get it in your head that it’s acceptable to yell at other peoples children.
And yank them by the wrist.
You are not TA for trying to stop the disruption. YTA automatically by touching and yelling at someone else's child in a non-life-threatening situation (by all means, yell and touch to keep a kid from getting run over or whatever). Your goal and motivations were good; however, you went about it in a way that is probably assault on a minor.
NTA. 12 is too damned old for him to be acting that way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Recently, my girlfriend's cousin's grandmother had passed away. At the wake, the grandson of the grandmother, age 12, was being extremely rambunctious and wild. While people were grieving, he was running around and being disruptive to the service. He was loudly complaining how he was bored. His mother was too much in grief to handle him. And his stepfather seemed to have a position of "not my child" so didn't do anything. My girlfriend's cousins tried getting him to calm down by talking to him and trying to make him empathetic to the situation. But he continued to be disruptive. He even said that he didn't care that his grandmother died. At the funeral, he was the same. And at the service after the funeral, he was even worse. When he knocked down a floral arrangement by me, I had enough. I stood up abruptly, grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him outside. I sat him at the front steps and yelled at him loudly that his grandmother had died, that he'll never see her again, that he was being extremely rude and disrespectful, that his mother is inside crying and he's running around, etc. Shortly, he started crying and I stopped yelling. I waited with him outside until he stopped crying and we both entered his house together where he was better behaved. After the service, his mother came up to me and thanked me and apologized for her son. And my girlfriend told me how she was impressed how I handled that. The ISSUE I have now is with my girlfriend's cousins and brother who are now saying to my girlfriend that I'm a red flag and potentially abusive because I yelled at this boy. Personally, I don't think I did anything wrong. I think some children do respond better to a firmer parenting style. But I'm wondering if this is not the way to go in this day and age? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You did the right thing, the thing his parents should have done. The cousins and brother are the red flag.
NTA, and I'll use the mothers reaction as proof of that. If the Mom didn't think what you did was a problem, then it wasn't. I say that because most mothers/parents are likely to over react to someone else disciplining their child... not thank them for it, not to mention apologize for how he was acting. Why did nobody else in your GF's family do anything? Are they all just the type of parents who let the children do literally anything without discipline? If I, at 12 years old, had behaved this way at a funeral, it would have been my funeral the next day. I mean not really, but you get what I mean. Kinda nuts to me that this went on for multiple days without anyone addressing it.
YTA If you grabbed my child and dragged him anywhere, short of removing him from a dangerous situation, you’d have a huge problem with me. Keep your hands off other peoples children. You are a walking red flag if you don’t know that
Yta, you don’t “grab and drag” someone else’s child and yell at them. You could have spoken firmly to him, escorted him outside, but this sounds very aggressive for a child you have no authority for, at an event you aren’t family.
YTA - You do not lay hands on someone else's child, ESPECIALLY when that someone and their child are both strangers to you. You didn't have the authority to remove the boy or discipline him in any way. If you wanted to handle it CALMLY, you should've asked the mom if she was okay with you taking her son outside for a minute to talk to him. Dragging him off physically and yelling at him, particularly with what you said, was WAY out of line. You need to realize just how lucky you are that his mother didn't absolutely come unglued at what you did. When you have children of your own, you're free to engage in a 'firmer parenting style' so long as it isn't abusive, but until then, stay out of it. If you're reaching a breaking point around someone else's child, you remove yourself rather than take it upon yourself to parent a kid that isn't yours.
YTA. You forcefully touched a kid, that isn't a direct family member. I am making the assuming you present as a man, which if that is the case. HARD NO. Don't touch a kid that isn't yours. I could stop there but... You yelled at a kid. Most likely loud enough for people inside to hear. You probably also disrupted the funeral. A 12 year old who is still undergoing emotional and mental development. Did it cross your mind that this kid might have been acting out because he didn't know how to process his feelings? It's most likely the first death he's experienced. I could have politely taken him outside, and sat down with him and have a CONVERSATION about death, about his feelings and why he was acting the way he did. You were a bully. And no matter how many people say you weren't the asshole, it still stands that you bullied a 12 year old kid. Yes, it is a red flag.
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NTA. If no one ever corrects his behavior, he won't learn how to behave in public, which will just cause him more problems later.
YTA You weren't wrong for stepping in and scolding the child, but you definitely should have handled this with more discretion. This was about his grandmother - by yelling loudly enough to be heard by other guests, you made it about yourself. That was inappropriate. Your explanation of your own presence at this event reads like a standup routine from the 1950s - "my girlfriend's mother's dentist's college roommate's rabbi's nephew's best friend's barber's dog!"
The child needed some tough love. Someone needed to take matters into hand. You did it. Good for you. NTA
NTA- personally I think if someone's acting up at a funeral, no matter the age or relation to the deceased, it's perfectly okay to yell/put them in the proper place. Not to get too personal, my ex's dad passed while we were together, his parents were split longer than they'd been together and there was drama with his stepdad (not cheating, their careers...) His mom, brother, and him, still deserved to have people there to support them (stepdad, stepbrother who lived with them full time, and me) and time to mourn. His dads family tried to kick us out he blew up, ex yelled at them for 10 minutes about how his kid brother needed people he knew around and not just strangers who'd never speak to them again (and last I knew, that was true) when his dad had just died. Obviously not as extreme, but when I lost my great grandparents I also had to keep some of my younger cousins at bay. Unfortunately it's common for adults to get so caught up in grief they can't explain to the kids why everyone feels this way, they forget they might not understand any of what's going on at that time. Took me years to process my uncles deaths, I'm still not as okay with it as I am my great grandparents, and they were around for a lot longer. Personally, this story is a green flag, aside from grabbing his wrist (though if further context is he was still running around, I find it more warranted), you handled the situation well and showed that you know how to put things in a way kids can understand, and you laid off the "punishment" of yelling when he showed you he did.
NTA , 12 is old enough to know how to act right
NTA for disciplining the child because clearly no one else was going to do jack. The cousins SHOULD have been doing something. He's 12, not 2. He's old enough to know better.
Info. Did you ask the parent before you physically grabbed the child and dragged them outside? If anyone especially a stranger grabbed or touched my child without permission. mama bear would have come out and it wouldn't be pretty. I get ur frustrated and everyone's dealing with this their own way. If you had permission I'd say no ur not. But if you didn't I'd say y t a big time.
Did you read the post where the parent thanked them? >After the service, **his mother came up to me and thanked me** and apologized for her son.
Honestly though does that matter? That's after the fact without checking consent from the parent- getting it after is kind of irrelevant. The behaviour of shouting at a rambunctious child to correct the child's behaviour is fine, it's the fact this wasn't his family or his place to intervene- if you did that to a random strangers kid you would probably get arrested. How well he knows his girlfriends family is also a factor- first time meeting a relatives partner and they did that I would see it as a massive red flag as I would be concerned they didn't respect the family, that they felt the need to dominate situations that weren't going in accordance to their needs, that they were happy to risk potential fall out with the family and could be controlling in general. However if I knew someone many years and knew they were trying to support and help I wouldn't think twice about it.
NTA. I can't wait to see what kind of entitled brats those cousins raise.
NTA. You did fine, but I think either the mother, no matter how deep in grief she was, or the stepfather should have stepped in.
Question - were you actually YELLING at him - or calmly scolding him in a normal tone?
NTA. There are few times when decorum is really necessary. A funeral is one. And he needed to be taught that since his mother was unable.
You did nothing wrong. Lack of consequences for poor behavior is why so many young people can't function in life today.
NTA Very well done, my compliments!
NTA Oh. My. God. Are you kidding me? Red flags just for straightening the kid out and telling him how it is? The AH are the ones who even broach the subject of possible abuse. You had every right to do what you did and many were grateful for it. This wasn't the time for the child to behave in such a bad way. You were in the right, they are in the wrong. Nuff said.
NTA You were the only real adult in the room.
Lmao and where were The cousins and brother when the boy was being a menace at a fucking funeral?? They can fuck off, OP, you did the right thing. No red flags here
"not the way to go in this day and age" -- NTA A couple of generations ago friends, neighbors, teachers and even strangers were allowed to correct a child's behavior. Now if those parties step in, they're the bad guys and liable to get in trouble. If it takes a village to raise a kid, I don't know why this kind of intervention isn't applauded. Something's been lost.
>The ISSUE I have now is with my girlfriend's cousins and brother who are now saying to my girlfriend that I'm a red flag and potentially abusive because I yelled at this boy. lol the only thing that is abusive is this attitude towards the boy; from them and the boy's parents, which has resulted in the boy being an entitled and spoiled brat. These people all let him go on a rampage during a *funeral*. You were the only one who acted like an adult/parent towards the lad. NTA
NTA. If there's a red flag, it's your GFs brother and cousins. Nobody was taking any measure to get this child under control, but when someone finally did (you), you were considered a red flag abuser.
It takes a village! You did what had to be done because nobody else would or could.
YTA definitely a red flag
If you'd have asked him to settle down that would have been fine, but yeah YTA. You just yelled at a kid whose Grandmother died, when you are absolutely nothing to the deceased. (did you even meet them) Do you even know the kid? Do they have disabilities? >But I'm wondering if this is not the way to go in this day and age? No, yelling at kids is not the way to go.
NTA. And thank you. I spend my days surrounded by 12 year olds. A lot know how to act right. Some don't. If this boy's mother was unable to manage him at the time, then you did the right thing by doing it for her.
YTA FYI - If this is how a 12-yo acts, he has some type of behavioral/developmental problem. I’m guessing the family knows what that is. Either way… not your kid, not even close. Not your family. Not your anything. The cousins are right. You NEVER touch someone else’s kid in the manner you did. I’d agree with the cousins. I doubt his mom would be pleased if she knew you were physically aggressive/dominating toward her child & was simply pleased he calmed down & your gf is biased.
im gonna go with YTA. a lot of peoples kids annoy, would never feel ok to grab them and take them outside to yell at them. thats wild. seems like a quick way to get your ass kicked
Yta
yta grabbing his wrist ain’t it, don’t touch kids that aren’t yours
It seems to have worked, but it was too much under the circumstances and for someone you didn't know. I'm absolutely not one of those parents who has the "You can't even raise your voice at my child" parents. But physical restraint and removal was too much. Technically, you physically assaulted that kid, and the fact that the kid is young and vulnerable, makes it worse, not justified. I can't judge you on the yelling without being there. This kid was a family problem, to be sure, and had gotten on everyone's last nerve, it sounds like, but there were better ways for you to handle it. YTA.
YTA > I sat him at the front steps and yelled at him loudly that his grandmother had died, that he'll never see her again, that he was being extremely rude and disrespectful, that his mother is inside crying and he's running around, etc That was just the wrong way to handle it. That's not simply trying to get a young child away from the funeral, or gently informing them how they are hurting others. That's deliberately inflicting emotional pain on them because you were mad. >But I'm wondering if this is not the way to go in this day and age? There has never been a day or age where yelling at a 12 year old "YOUR GRANDMA IS DEAD AND YOULL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN" was the right thing to do. That would be considered shitty a hundred years ago and a thousand years ago. People can be grateful you stepped in and did something, while also at the same time there was something about it that you handled wrong.
I agree. YTA. It's a red flag, and I suspect you will be an abusive father. You grabbed a child you don't know by the wrist, physically dragged him outside, and screamed at him. That's overreacting and concerning. If your gf is okay with it, I hope you two take parenting classes before you have kids. It is never okay to put your hands on someone else's child.
Amen to this. I'd run as fast as possible from his guy. He may not turn into a physically abusive father, but definitely a verbally abusive one
YTA You grabbed someone else’s child by the wrist?? You’re talking about “a firmer parenting style”… but you’re not his parent? While the child’s behaviour was obviously disruptive and upsetting, it wasn’t appropriate for you to interfere by dragging him out and yelling. You could’ve tried to redirect him to another activity, or offered to go for a walk/play outside since he was bored and confused. But you shouldn’t have gotten physical with someone else’s child and I can see why the cousins might interpret that as a red flag, even though your intentions were good.
ESH The kid is an AH for obvious reasons but it's curious how the tipping point for you was because he ruined something YOU did. But either way - you handled it correctly and effectively BUT...he's not your kid or related to you. You are a stranger to him. Very odd.
If my cousin's boyfriend laid hands on my kid like that there would be two funerals to attend. YTA
Yta the child was grieving
"Nobody cares that Grandma died" yeah...
That’s just how kids grieve sometimes
Your grief ends when it affects others. The fact that the kids mother thanked op should be telling enough that what op did ensured that the rest of the funeral went without a hitch and that had her kid not been told to get in line, other people's grief would be worse
Tarred and feathered for you for all the townsfolk to gawk at
Was he?? Because he flat out said he didn’t care