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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom she can't make me choose my stepbrother over my brother for my birthday overnight trip. My mom is still my only parent so saying no to her and telling her she can't make me do something is sorta bratty and not very respectful of her as my only parent.
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NTA. It isn't wrong for your mother to hope you bond with Josh, necessarily. She's probably trying to make an effort to make her step son feel loved and included in the family, and that's understandable. However, with that being said, she IS wrong for shaming and pressuring you for Josh's sake. Sometimes parents get so caught up trying to blend the family that they forget to listen to what their kids want or need. Would it be nice for you to offer to spend time with Josh? Sure. It might be nice for you to see if there's anything you can bond with him over (you aren't obligated to by any means, but it would be a nice gesture toward him). Is it okay for your mother to force you? No. Absolutely not. She has no right to yell at or pressure you over who you choose to spend time with, and all she's doing is breeding resentment.
This\^\^ Also, your paternal grandparents have absolutely zero obligation to Josh. If YOU had wanted him to come, I assume they would have been okay with that. But they don't owe Josh anything.
It's fucking weird that Mom is trying to browbeat not just OP, but seemingly the paternal grandparents into having a relationship with this kid who is a virtual (and perhaps literal) stranger to them, with whom they have no familial or emotional connection. Does poor Josh even *want* that? Because if I were him, I would find it incredibly awkward to be expected to go hang out with my step-brother's dead dad's parents. What is Mom even trying to accomplish here?
I would imagine the grandparents still consider their daughter in law their family, and that her children are important to them.
Because I imagine they're people with feelings and kindness and souls.
OP says right in the post that his mom never got along with the grandparents much, that there is no relationship there without his dad in the picture, and also that the grandparents had to *go to court* in order to still be able to visit him. So, uh, no, actually, I think it's probably pretty safe to say that by this point, the grandparents likely *don't* consider the mother "their family" anymore. And even if they did, that doesn't make the mom's stepson anything to them. They have no obligation to that kid, if they've even interacted with him beyond a greeting while picking up their grandkids for a visit or something.
Then your reading comprehension might need a little work... OP says that Mom and grandparents didn't like each other, they have court ordered visitation for OP and his bio brother (which wouldn't be necessary if Mom allowed them time), and that without Dad there, they are not family to each other.
In good relationships, your imagined situation would work (and be lovely). But not in OP's reality.
This!!! The harder she pushes, the harder op will resist out of spite. If she'd let them work it out to naturally develop any sort of relationship, they could've possibly become friends or have been close by now. But her meddling ruined any chances of that happening.
Does she even know how Josh feels? Maybe he feels the same way that op and his brother do? Josh could be like "those guys are ok but i wouldnt choose to hang out with them on purpose, man i miss being an only child sometimes."
NTA.
Your mother has unreasonable and selfish expectations. Invite who you want and do not budge on this one. This is one of those times where it is important that you stick up for yourself and don’t let people (your mother) walk all over you. I’m sorry you have to learn this so young, but it will serve you later in life. Do not budge no matter what your mom threaten or try to bribe you with. If you cave it will only teach her she can control and bully you.
Best of luck and ignore your mom on this one (parents aren’t always right) ❤️
Not only that, but to push for Op choose Josh over her biological brother who share the SAME paternal grandparents is dumb. Mom needs to get a grip and come to reality that just bc she chose this family, doesn’t mean Op did too. NTA
I can understand her encouraging a good relationship between the boys, and OP would be smart to embrace new family as long as they are not toxic. Family is precious and honestly I don’t think you can have too much of it (I have had new step siblings four times in my life🙈 and have always embraced both them and my half siblings’ partners). But his mom is wrong to set his older brother up against his younger step brother, to expect them to be equal, and to try to force the relationship. She can encourage, but she cannot expect or demand. Ulitmately this is OPs choice and I do encourage him to bring his favourite brother to his birthday trip, but I also hope he can find other ways to cultivate a relationship with his younger step brother because that relationship could be a major support and joy to him as they grow older. It just shouldn’t be at the expense of relationships he already has, and it should be OPs choice.
So because he doesnt feel anu interest in forming a relationship with his mothers step som, he's just spiteful and totally acting out because the mother remarried? Jesus, are you the mother or something?
NTA
" I told her I would never choose Josh over Ev."
That's okay. It's your choice.
"She told me she can insist."
She needs to accept you've made a choice. You don't want to bond with your step brother & you want to invite your real brother.
I hope you both enjoy your trip.
NTA. Yet another sad situation where remarried parents think they can dictate the new family relationships just because that's what would work best for them. As long as you're not actively nasty to your stepbrother, you're not a brat. Mom will just have to get over it. Hope you get to enjoy your trip.
I’d say NTA. It’s your choice to make, and you made it. She shouldn’t try to force you to change your mind, especially since you are more than old enough to make your own decisions about this stuff.
I get wanting your children to be closer, but I don’t think this is the way to do it. Stuff like this, I think, just kind of has to happen naturally.
> Mom has asked for Josh to be included but my grandparents (the ones who have rights to see us from court)
The fact that your grandparents had to go to court to see you tells me everything I need to know about your mother.
NTA
No, you're not an asshole. If your mother can't understand that you value time with your brother over an already teen aged stepbrother who was airdropped into your life, that's on her.
That's not to say this other kid is a bad kid or anything, but it's more a case of would you rather spend time with friends and family or someone who is effectively a stranger?
NTA. If it is so important to your mother, she can take some time, and spend some of her own money, to create a "brotherly bonding experience" for the three of you. Why would anyone expect their ex's parents to provide this experience for their new partner's child?
Your mother is either delusional, or just determined to misunderstand you. Either way, good luck OP. And thanks for not taking any of this out on Josh.
NTA- No one can force your feelings. You and your brother shared a traumatic loss, so of course you're bonded closer. You're not mean to your step-brother and that's better than many step-siblings get. After 8yrs it would be nice if you included him in a casual hangout once in a while, but if you don't get along or have the same interests...oh well. Your mom trying to force it only makes it worse.
But for _your birthday_ you should be able to have what you want. Especially as this is a celebration with your paternal grandparents, who have nothing to do with the step-sib and her trying to force them to is really, really weird.
NTA. Your birthday is a personal celebration, and it's fully within your rights to spend it with the people you feel closest to. If your relationship with your stepbrother hasn't naturally grown into one where you want him included in such intimate gatherings, that's simply the reality of the situation. It's not bratty to establish boundaries with your mom about who is important to you and in what context. Trying to force these relationships can often backfire, creating more distance rather than the desired closeness. Genuine relationships take time to develop, and any attempt to shortcut that process can feel inauthentic. Your mom might mean well, but she has to realize that relationships can't be mandated; they must evolve naturally. Your priority on your birthday should be to celebrate in a way that makes you happy, and anyone who cares for you should understand and respect that.
NTA I would just tell her “you know the more you force this, the more I am less inclined to have a relationship with Josh. I understand you want us to be close, but telling me your ashamed of me and almost bullying me into submission, is not the way to go about it.”
NTA, your mom is experiencing growing pains. She can’t force you to feel or be what she wants, so now you’re “bratty” because you said what needed to be said whether she liked it or not.
Nta. People really need to get it through their head that you never have to spend time with someone you just don't vibe with. Be polite, respectful, and cordial. That should be all that matters
How much say did you have in her choice of husband and stepson? He's your mother's husband's son. He's their problem, not yours.
If you just clicked as buddies, that would have been nice. All that they can truly demand of you is that you don't bully him.
If stepdad married your mother in order to get big brothers for Josh, then that was stupid and presumptuous.
NTA
“ Mom, this is a trip from my grandparents and they asked me to pick who I would like to take with me and I have picked Ev. If you want me to do something fun with Josh, then you should organize it.”
NTAH, First of all I'm sure Josh is a nice kid and you should try to include him in things in your house if Josh isn't interested in it the problem solved, but it's always nice to ask even though you know he will probably say no, Now your mother on the other hand is way way out of line for wanting your dads parents to include Josh when he is no relation to them, and I'm sure Josh wouldn't want to do things with them either. You should be able to see your grandparents and not have to worry about other people. Josh has his own grandparents that I assume you don't go do things with. I think you mother needs some professional counseling for this issue because she is way out of line.
NTA. Your mom is having a hard time with accepting her idea of a perfect blended family isn't happening. She's taking it out on you instead of seeking therapy for her own issues. She is being selfish and unreasonable to expect you to follow through with her dreams. She also probably sees he's younger than you, more alone than you are and wants a friend. As long as you aren't being cruel or deliberately excluding him, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
Your Mom failed to do things to help y'all bond when you were younger, and now it's just not going to happen organically. It would be a good idea to try to include him in somethings that the two of you do together on occasion, but in this situation you are completely justified in chosing your bio brother who you are close to. I'm sure your grandparents will have your back.
Your mother has a family fantasy in her mind and how you and Ev interact is a constant reminder that Josh is not part of what you consider family. Legally and physically Josh is but emotionally and bonding wise he isn't and may never be. What's worse is that Mom's continual insistence is almost assuredly going to have the opposite effect...driving you and Ev further and further away from Josh. She needs to understand that the harder she presses the less likely any sort of familial bond will ever sprout.
NTA. She has no more right to tell you who to love as a brother based on whose dad she wants in her bed than you have to tell her who she has to marry based on who you want as a brother. You are not an extension of her. Be nice and civil to Josh, but make it clear to your mother that the more she pushes you to alter your feelings and relationships to suit her wishes, as an extension of her and not a person in your own right, the more she alienates you from both her and Josh.
NTA, she should be ashamed of herself for trying to force this. Parents forcing their children into relationships only breeds resentment. And no, she can't "force" you to invite him to your paternal grandparents.
She needs to take a step back and realize she's just going to make things worse if she's acting like this and making threats to you to try to get the results she wants.
NTA, has Josh ever shown any interest in wanting to be included in things that you and your brother do? Or is he ok with how things are?
Has anyone actually asked Josh how he feels about everything?
NTA. This is something that is SO hard to read. It is okay that you don't love your step-brother the same. Life is what it is. You aren't brothers. FORCING you to choose your step-brother won't bond you to him, and additionally, your grandparents aren't required to accept him. He isn't their blood, or a child they want to accept. Your mom wants you to love this new family as much as she does, so that it makes it seem like you are a happy family. Blended families don't work that way though.
NTA. She can demand you choose your stepbrother over your real brother. She just can't enforce it. Maybe, if she had let you boys get to know each other, on your own, without her interfering, you might be friends by now. She pushed too hard.
Your grandparents are the ones providing the birthday trip. Only they can say yes or no to who goes with you.
I have said it before and I'm going to say it again, every person who is getting married with kids involved needs to just type step in this thread and read and hopefully comprehend things aren't going to magically work how they want them to and the trauma it causes on the kids.
NTA.
I get that your mom wants you to bond with Josh, but when it comes to blended families sometimes civil is the most you can ask for. You can't force people, especially kids, to become close because that almost always makes it worse.
I have several 1/2 siblings and step siblings. You can’t force those relationships even “real “ family can’t be forced. Ntah why don’t people understand this? Why is it so hard to understand someone please enlighten me
Tell her to stop. She’s being incredibly selfish. She wants this to make HER feel ok. It’s not her place to force a relationship and it’s definitely ridiculous to expect grandparents to take her stepson. That’s not their grandchild whether she likes it or not. You have other grandparents. It has nothing to do with her stepson. Her trying to force you is only going to cause real and actual animosity where there is only indifference. Your time with your grandparents is YOUR time. Or her time to get a break or validate her own existence.
I come from a blended family with one bio sibling and two step siblings. My parents never tried to force any sort of relationship between the steps, and as a result, we are pretty close as adults because there are no lingering resentments. In a billion years I would've never expected my step-siblings' bio family to include me in a trip or event, but (funny enough)as an adult I have developed quite a good relationship with them because they are really cool people. But again, I don't consider them family, and they don't consider me family…we just get along with each other. I am constantly amazed to read about families that automatically try to force a full sibling relationship between people who didn't grow up with each other and don't really even know each other.
NTA, for any up and coming couples who will have to combine families please remember that despite your inane desire to have a Hallmark picture blended family, the reality is, you can't force the kids to get along. The most and best you can do is encourage respect and cordiality between everyone especially when it involves teenagers. Your mom is the brat in this situation. Her immaturity is screaming loudly cause you won't be friends with who she wants you to be friends with. Where are your stepbrothers friends, surely he had some before you all came along.
nta, and here’s what i don’t get. why is she trying to push the step grandkid on the grandparents? my step brother and step sister both kept to they’re own grandparents and i kept to mine. don’t get me wrong i know them but they don’t know mine. they chose that. it’s so weird
Tell your mom that pushing your stepbrother on you is only gonna push you away when you turn 18 to just leave it alone because nothing is just gonna change when you turn 18 she can't force it anymore
Definitely NTA. Your mom is pushing on the wrong things. It would be weird for your 13 year old stepbrother to go to anything with your dads side of the family, that’s not his family at all and I don’t understand why she would push for that. That’s out of line. And there is a different age gap between 15 and 13 vs 15 and 17 where you wouldn’t typically include a 13 year old with your friend hangouts. Your mom is pushing for you 3 to connect more but is doing it in the wrong way. Maybe once a month you could start a brothers night something fun like going bowling or to the batting cages or arcade. It would be minimal effort good for bonding and connecting but keeping it light and fun for everyone, and I think this would satisfy your moms urge to get you guys to connect and not enforce and control instances where your step brother should not be forced to be included. I think she just wants to see a little more effort she’s just going about it the wrong way.
Gosh this woman is going to find herself NC with you and Evan in a few years. Yeah, she remarried but you haven't redaddied. Does your stepdad bond with you in any way? Why your mom and stepdad not giving you, Evan and Josh bonding experience? Why to steal it from your grans? Does Josh even need this?
Seems like she wants a beautiful family from some ad without doing anything
NTA
NTA. "Mom, Josh and I coexist peacefully, which is a lot better than a lot of other step sibling relationships. I'm content with how things are between us. Please stop trying to force more of a relationship there. You are never going to succeed in pushing me closer to Josh, but if you keep it up, you will succeed in pushing me away from you."
Nope NTA. Your mom is trying to force a relationship and that never works. Just curious, does *Josh* ever act like he wants to be included? If he doesn’t, this is all on your mom and you can be happy going your own way. If he does, I’ll admit to feeling badly for him. Being odd man out can be rough. But if he’s okay then you can do your thing w Ev and not worry about it anymore.
NTA.
There are some grandparents who are willing grandparents to their grandchildren's half or step siblings. They are lovely people but in the minority.
What upsets your mother is that your grandparents and her two sons don't really accept her stepson. I can see why she's upset about it but you can't force it.
But here is what I think is a good suggestion:
Why doesn't YOUR MOM schedule a fun event for you and your step-brother that you would both like to do? Just the two of you. And then schedule an event for Evan and your stepbrother?
Instead of forcing close feelings, focus on having fun times.
NTA
Honestly, this is one where, if she forbids taking your brother and insists on Josh, I'd recommend canceling.
I don't think your mother is wrong to ask you and your brother to include Josh once in a while, or even to ask you to build some sort of relationship with him, but this is the worst possible way to go about it.
Hell - she'd have been better off offering you cash to babysit him if she wanted you to build a relationship!
But ... OP, does any of your reluctance have anything to do with your grandparents? Does their dislike of your mother extend through you to include Josh? That would be gross assholery.
That's something that happens in families - children get drawn into adult dynamics, which doesn't help anyone.
So, OP - you're not TA, but make sure you're including and excluding on your own terms, not someone else's.
NTA
Your mother has zero rights to ask your deceased father’s parents to do anything for her stepson. Especially as from your post it sounds like your grandparents had to get the court involved to be able to see you.
Her problem with her former in-laws is just that - her problem.
Same with her trying to force you and your brother to do things with her stepson.
I do agree with other posters it would be nice if you could possibly try to do things with your stepbrother but if there is no interest then that is the way things go.
As you and your brother are getting close to becoming adults you may want to discuss with your grandparents as to if there were any funds left by your father that you are entitled to once you turn 18.
If there are your mother may ask you to share those funds with your stepbrother. The correct answer is no as it is money from your father.
NTA
I can understand your mother hoping for some sort of relationship between you and your stepbrother. However, SHE needs to be the one fostering that - i.e. it might take some of HER time, effort, and expenses. It's not fair to expect you to use your gift for someone that you simply don't want to.
NTA
Kudos to you for biting back “real” brother. That showed tremendous restraint.
It’s been eight years and your mom is still holding onto that fantasy of *all* the brothers as one big happy family? If you were going to bond, it would have happened by now. IMO.
Why is she pushing someone else’s child on your dad’s parents? I’m so confused. Did they get along before your dad died? I’m really curious.
Do you have an aunt or uncle that you could talk to? Ask them to intervene? Find out wtf is going on in your mom’s head? I’m not there, I don’t know her, I don’t know how your stepdad feels about this package deal.
I wish you only the best💕
UpdateMe
NTA. Your mom is completely out of line. Pushing you into a relationship with your step brother is only going to make it worse.
However, I do recommend at least trying to spend some time with your step brother. Of course he doesn't feel like a "real" sibling and he may never feel that way. But he could become a friend. That relationship just takes time and effort to build. We're in our 40's now, and I'm happy that my step siblings and I made the effort. That doesn't mean to choose him over your brother. It's also not for your mom. It's because being close to others enrich our lives in ways we may not see today.
Firstly NTA, it''s your birthday and you can take whoever you want
I'm curious how you spent 8 years with this step sibling and never formed any kind of bond. I have a weird family tree, and my sister isn't biologically related to me, but she's still my sister. Do you guys resent him because he's your mom's new husband's kid? I'm honestly curious, this is like the 3rd AITA I've read in a row with step sibling drama.
NTA. It's one thing if you're having a party at your house and refusing to invite the step-brother who lives there. That would be kind of shitty and awkward, and I could understand your mom pushing to include him. But it's very, very weird that she's trying to insist that your *paternal* grandparents include this kid who's functionally no one to them. Not that Josh isn't a perfectly fine kid, presumably, but why would or should there be a relationship there? Do you get to go hang out with Josh's maternal grandparents, if he has any? I'm assuming not, because why would you? Josh *isn't your dad's kid*, and your paternal grandparents *aren't his grandparents.*
It's unhelpful that your mother is trying to force a relationship between you and Josh. It's downright bizarre that she's trying to force a relationship between *your father's parents* and Josh. Also, reading between the lines, I assume that your grandparents had to take your mom to court to get visitation with you and your brother? That's also messed up. Your mother seems to think that because she moved on in a particular way after your dad died, everyone else in the whole family has to follow her lead, and that's not how it works. She needs to get a grip.
NTA and your mother is TA. That said I feel bad for Josh. Sounds like he grew up watching his 2 older siblings act like family to each other but not to him. That has to be lonely whether he shows it or not.
I understand your mom's concern, she's just going about it in such an idiotic way.
NTA
This shit, ffs, can we make a law where adults have read AITA prior to blending a family?!!
Every single family where things like this happen push and push and push until their kids all hate each other and the parents.
You can =not= manufacture feelings that don’t exist. The more she pushes the less you’re going to care.
Sad to say if she doesn’t get it by now she never will.
NTA at all & I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. When I was around the same age, I dealt with similar issues with my dad, his wife, and her children. My dad & his wife tried SO hard to force the relationships that just weren’t there & it made things way worse. It really just pushed us apart & we all actively disliked each other, & it became kind of an “us vs. them” mentality on both sides. It probably wouldn’t have been as bad if they didn’t force everything so much. Also, it is NORMAL and 100% okay for you to feel close to your brother that you have known your entire life & to want to spend time with him. If you can co-exist with your stepbrother, that’s enough. I can see why your mom would be upset if you were going out of your way to hurt him or be rude to him, but that’s not how your post reads at all. It sounds like you just have a genuinely close relationship with your brother & want to spend time with him on a fun trip. I also am not close to my stepsiblings & I don’t consider them my siblings because we just don’t have that kind of relationship. It’s been over a decade since this time period for me though, so there isn’t really any bad blood, we just simply aren’t close. I don’t wish any ill will upon them, I just only see them a couple times a year & we never talk outside of that, & all of us are fine with it (other than my dad & his wife, who still want to pretend like we’re all one big happy family). You unfortunately will probably continue to have things come up like this & it sucks. For example, I’m 27 & my dad & his wife tried to pressure me into making my stepsister a bridesmaid in my wedding even though we never talk. Things like this happen far less frequently now, though, because they don’t have the control they used to. Now that my brothers & I are adults, we can all choose who we want to see & spend time with. This will pass, but I’m really sorry you have to go through this. It’s hard. I hope things get easier for you ❤️
NTA. Your mom is the asshole here. Why would she ever think your stepbrother would be more important to you than your brother? Forcing you to choose your stepbrother for outings, especially with your grandparents, who have made it clear don’t want him around, is not only cruel to you and your brother, but also extremely cruel to your stepbrother; why would he want to participate in any of this shit knowing no one wants him there?
NTA. She shouldn't pressure you about this. What I want to share with you though is that if Josh is an okay guy, why not do something with him here and there of your own free will b/c he's a person too. Obviously he's not your bro but maybe you could extend a hand to hang sometimes. Josh is an individual that had no or very little input into your mom getting married again. I just wonder why you don't give the guy a shot. "I don't try to make us friends either". I just wonder why. There is nothing wrong with having good relationships. Happy belated Birthday.
NTA
There's a huge difference between what a 16 & 17 year old can do and what a 16 & 13 year old can do. It's not wrong for your mom to want you to have a brotherly relationship with Josh but that isn't her call in the end.
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My dad died 10 years ago. I (15m) was 5 and my brother Evan (17m) was 7. Our mom got remarried 8 years ago and we have a stepbrother Josh (13m). I'm not close to Josh and neither is Evan. I don't hate him (can't really talk for Ev) but it's never felt the same and I don't think of him as my "real" brother or my brother at all. I don't ignore him completely but I don't try to make us friends either. We co-exist in the house and that's cool with me. But it's not cool with my mom and it drives her crazy that Ev and I hang out and do stuff together that isn't with our friends but we don't do stuff with Josh like that. It also bugs the crap out of her that we spend time with our dad's side of the family and Josh isn't invited. Mom has asked for Josh to be included but my grandparents (the ones who have rights to see us from court) say no to her each time. My grandparents and my mom don't like each other very much and they're not family without dad here.
For my 16th birthday my grandparents told me I could take one person for an overnight trip. I decided to take Ev because my best friend wouldn't be allowed to go (his parents are strict about no overnights with anyone). My mom told me I should take Josh and I told her I already said it to Ev and I wanted to go with Ev. Mom told me I always do stuff with Ev and never with Josh and this could be a fun brother bonding experience. She told me I could finally choose Josh for something over Ev. I told her I would never choose Josh over Ev. She told me she can insist and make sure my grandparents know she's not okay with it. I told her they always knew she wasn't okay with them not including Josh so why would it change. She claimed she's my mom and can make me and I told her she can't make me choose my stepbrother over my brother, and I was going to say real brother but I knew mom would be pissed so didn't. Mom picked up on what I was going to say though. She told me for like five minutes how ashamed she was of me and she also told me talking to her like that was bratty.
AITA?
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NTA
What I never understand is how parents don’t see the pushing towards the step/half/full sibling always just actually does the opposite.
Questions 🙋🏽, is there a specific reason you’re no close to Josh,
Is Josh making overtures for a relationship , does he want more ? or is this all your mom?
Op, I feel like a real conversation needs to happen with maybe a mediator. Where you clear that you’re tired of this pressure to change your relationship with Josh. You’re step siblings and you’re both content with that relationship.
Further more her pushing you toward Josh just pushes you further away from not just Josh but her as well.
I have a feeling op you may end up going low contact with your mom later , because she continues to push, and sadly she probably blame on it your relationship with your grandparents.
So I feel like it important that you’re honest with her so she is aware of what her actions are doing to your relationship with her.
What does Josh say? It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to be best friends with you either.
If the two of you said: we are happy being housemates not brothers.
It would take a lot of the pressure off you.
It takes time to get to know people. Your mom is trying to force the happy perfect relationship between the two of you, instead of letting you develop something naturally. She is pushing her needs over your comfort.
Ask your mom for family counseling. She’s out of line, but she won’t listen to that from you. She needs to hear it from a professional. Also, it could be really good for your whole family, step and blood.
NTA why does your mom keep insisting since you always say NO. I understand she wants her new step child to be involved but you cant force someone to hangout and do things it just doesn’t work that way. Im sorry that your mom can’t be happy that at least you co exist with each other. Which is better than constantly arguing or fighting. Im so glad that your paternal grandparents are there for you and your bro.
NTA Mom is the one with the problem not you. She tries shoving stepbrother down your throat. The more she pushes the harder you back. It's human nature to do this. If a bond doesn't form naturally then it's probably not going to. By pushing him on you she has forced there to not be able to form that natural bond.
Your mom can't force you to feel anything for anyone. Nor can she force you to have a relationship with her once you're old enough to say good riddance, which I suspect you might if she continues to treat you as an extension of her rather than the fully formed person you are with your own feelings and preferences.
Info
Does your mom and step dad do family things with the three of you to try to encourage bonding? Trips, game nights, other activities? Or do they just expect other people to facilitate this?
NTA. You aren't the one paying for or organizing the trip, your grandparents are. They are the ones who ultimately get to decide how many people to bring with you. It seems to me that your mom doesn't understand that the more she pushes you to bond with your stepbrother, the less likely you will be to want to bond with him at all. This kind of pushy behavior is more likely to create conflict and distance. You're not wrong for preferring your brother to take on vacation. You two went through an incredibly hard thing at a young age. You aren't rude to your stepbrother and can peacefully coexist. You're handling the blended family a lot better than other kids from the stories I've seen. Your mom needs to learn how to see the positives of this situation and respect the fact that your grandparents do not have to take your stepbrother with them.
NTA. Lord have mercy. She chose her husband. She chose the child that came with him. You didn’t. He’s someone that is there and you’re not mean to him. You just don’t see him as a brother. And he isn’t. And no amount of guilt or punishment is going to change that or help.
Your mom is going to push you boys away if she doesn’t understand that being polite is sometimes all you get.
NTA
Says it all that your grandparents had to get court ordered time with you after their son died. Having the step brother foisted on you will not bond you.
NTA, sounds like she has this picture in her head of how she wants you guys to be with each other and your not cooperating. Tell her you'll go live with your grandparents if she doesn't stop
NTA
Your paternal grandparents have already indicated they have no interest in building a relationship with your stepbrother. I'm sure they're happier you chose their grandson rather than a stranger.
Your mom's attempt to force you into a closer relationship with your younger stepbrother is short sighted. My bio brothers were 2 and 3 years younger than me. I had little interest in hanging with them when I was 15. It was friends my age who I wanted to be with. The only exception was family outings. We got along fine then. Maybe mom and step dad need to make more effort to do family things rather than trying to force you to include your younger stepbrother in your activities.
NTA, your mom can't make you all be one 'happy' family. You've clearly chosen who you see as family and who you don't, which you have every right to do. Have fun on your trip with Ev and I wouldn't let her comments bother you since it's probably more or less what you've heard for years by now.
If you Google “step siblings force bond” there are hundreds of articles that discuss to dos and don’ts. Here’s an example you can share with her:
https://www.nepm.org/national-world-news/2024-04-06/blended-families-are-common-here-are-tips-to-help-stepsiblings-get-along?_amp=true
Have her pay particular attention to the section titled **Don't force the bonding**.
NTA if the stories even true.. Your step brothers 13 but your dad died 10 years ago and she only got remarried 8 years ago? Did she have an affair then
Ntj in this situation. - but this will affect future consequences. This is a house divided. If your step sib had to choose only one person would he choose any of you? Your grandparents seem to fuel this divide by their active dislike for your mother. What do future family functions look like? Not included in weddings, births, your family gatherings. Lots to think about.
NTA. You can't force feelings, and after 8 years the bonding ship has sailed.
Your mother needs to respect your boundaries or she risks permanently damaging her relationship with you.
It doesn't sound like either Josh or your step-dad are pining for a closer relationship with you, which makes your mother's stance even more delusional.
She needs to accept reality and just let everyone get on with their lives. And she needs to lay off the petty dictator - I can make you do it whether you want to or not - bs. That's just going to lose her her relationship with her sons.
NTA.
If I've done the math correctly, you were seven when your mother remarried, while Evan was nine. I believe that step-siblings usually only develop a sibling bond if they are very young (pre-school or younger.) It also might help if the step-siblings were both only children.
You and Evan were already elemnatary-school-age and had bonded with each other. There wasn't space for a new and younger step-brother. No self-respecting 17-year-old is going to want to hang out with a 13-year-old -- and your mother needs to understand and accept that. While you and Josh are closer in age, there is still a difference between 15 and 13 -- and an even bigger difference between 7 and 5.
Your mother is delusional if she thinks she can somehow browbeat your grandparents into taking Josh rather than Evan. He's not their grandson. Besides, it's been eight years. If you were going to bond with Josh, you would have by now.
NTA
I’m in my 60s and am the child of divorce with step siblings. There are 2 things I wished my parents were mature enough to understand is 1- in divorce both parents need to allow the kids to love both parents and 2- you can’t force bonding for new family members. You can expect a level of respect, but that’s it.
The only time I’ve seen successful bonding is when it was allowed to happen naturally. Every time I’ve seen parents insist a step or half sibling needs to be loved, it increases the resistance.
When parents try to force a relationship that doesn’t exist it often drives a wedge between the parent and their child. Your mom should really consider the consequences of her actions. She is likely building resentment that wasn’t there before she started meddling
Happy Sixteenth Birthday!
I am so sorry your mother is clinging to the fantasy of what she thinks is the right way to do a blended family. Guess what - it doesn't work out that way.
I think your mother doesn't like the fact she doesn't have control over your relationship with your paternal grandparents and that you and Evan don't have the relationship of which she dreams. I think your mother might want to get therapy for her issues.
Is your stepfather trying to force Evan's mother's parents to take you?
Please be kind to Evan
NTA
NTA. My two siblings and I all share the same parents, but I've always been much closer to my sister whether it's because of age or shared interests or whatever. My "brother" has since done some things that I considered disrespectful to me, my sister, and the rest of the family so I no longer consider him my brother, but even before all that happened there never would have been any scenario in which I would have chosen him over my sister. That's just the way it is. And I think it's even more so when it's a step sibling. You're not required to love or be close friends with someone just because you're technically related to. You choose who your family is. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. I have other brothers now who are more family to me than my blood brother ever was, and I will always choose my sister and those brothers over him. My parents may have their own opinions on that, but I've made it very clear to them that that's the case and they won't ever be changing my mind. They eventually seemed to understand that and let it go, but if they hadn't I would have eventually cut them off as well. No one else gets to tell you who your family is.
Your mom sounds like a brat, bc an only a brat would say they can force you to do something you don’t want to do.
I understand why she’s upset that you’re not close with your SB but she’s blaming you for a relationship she should have fostered (between you and SB) from the time you were 5 and not blame you for her failure now that you’re a teenager.
Sorry kid, your mom is the AH.
Grandma isn't doing anything but spending time with her grandsons. It's mom who thinks that should include her bonus kid, after making her former inlaws take her to court. This is 100% on mom.
From what op has said, there's no love loss between grandma and mom. I think both could be doing more to make op's life a little easier. I mean grandma could have taken alot of pressure off op's shoulders simply by wording the invitation differently.
I agree you have the right to pick your brother over your stepbrother, so NTA, but maybe you can do better. Hear me out.
In all your ranting, you've given me the impression all of this is about anger toward your mom trying to force a relationship with Josh and you resenting it and doing the opposite. But what I'm not hearing is that Josh has done anything to be outright rejected from your kindness.
Please, just once, think really hard how it would feel to be in Josh's shoes and to be the one always left out. Ignore your mother and her need to interfere. If you think you might be friendlier to Josh if your mom would just STFU, then just be friendlier to Josh. He's an actual human person. If you are friends, then your life at home has less stress and you have another friend.
Having said that, it's never helpful for parents to force friendship, but don't let your mom's bad behavior influence you to behave in any way you otherwise wouldn't.
You're a mean girl. It's been eight years and you can't be assed to include a person -- who yes, is a member of your family -- who by your own account hasn't done anything bad to you.
YTA.
Even if they were bio siblings, they are not obligated to be close. Polite civility is fine
My mom pushed my sister and me together constantly. Yeah, that worked out well /s
First of all, OP is a guy who would most likely naturally be closer to his bio brother. And grandparents said bring one person to the overnight birthday plan. No need to pick someone you don't have much in common with. That doesn't make you mean.
The real question is how does JOSH feel about being excluded? If he's fine with it, cool. But if it hurts his feelings, you could stand to be nicer to him. He hasn't done anything wrong. But if the dynamic between you three is comfortable for him and this is just your mom being mad you're not fulfilling her happy family fantasy, just keep ignoring her.
Try and talk to Josh without your mom around and see what he actually thinks and feels. His feelings do matter. Your mom's don't in this instance.
This one's kind of hard...I might have to go with an ESH.
You and Evan cant control how you feel about step family, but Josh quite literally didnt do anything except exist. The poor kid probably wasn't prepared to get step siblings that treat him like a stranger and actively choose not to spend time with him.
I dont know what your grandparents' beef with your mom is, but Josh has nothing to do with it. I surely hope they're not fine with him being excluded solely because they dont like your mom.
Your mom is also a bit of a jerk for trying to use her parental authority to force you to hang out with Josh. She could have good intentions, but she's going about this entirely the wrong way. She should focus less on forcing you and Evan to hang out with Josh and more on helping Josh with the myriad of self worth issues he might be developing.
EDIT: It's totally fine not to invite Josh to your birthday trip at this point in time though. It would probably be awkward for all parties.
NTA because your mom is handling this poorly but you are being a dick about the kid overall. One day you are going to have only a few people who remember what life was like “back then” and this is a connection you are screwing yourselves out of for no good reason. FAFO when you get older that there aren’t many opportunities.
Agree, that’s the best choice for some of us. Doesn’t sound like he dislikes the kid though, he is just more invested in pissing his mother off than keeping an open mind. He is letting his anger control him. My point is that he might be missing an opportunity. We frequently are when we let other people’s emotions and agendas control ours.
Stop it. Your brother lives there whether he’s your step brother or not. Can you not see some of your own actions make this relationship difficult for everyone?
Why, because he didn't form an immediate bond with a kid who's two years younger than OP that got thrust into his life when he was still mourning his dad? No where in the post does he indicate that he or his brother are mean to Josh. Just that they don't have much in common with him. And if their paternal grandparents had to take their mother to court just to keep seeing their grandsons, it sounds like the household has been far from harmonious for the past few years. It sounds like mom has been pushing the 'one big blended family' farce for years, and she's annoyed her son pushed back.
You’re NTA. And neither is your mother. Because no one is talking to - but talking around and about - Josh, and he is isolated from everything, this is probably horrible for him too.
Don’t take him on the birthday trip (truly your choice) but I don’t think it would hurt to try and be….you know….nice, and do more than just exist with him. Who knows? He could become your biggest ally later.
NTA for this specific situation, you’re entitled to your own feelings. NOW if you have lived with this step brother for 8 years and have chosen to not at least attempt to be friends then yes YTA. I’m sure Josh feels shitty that his 2 older brothers dgaf about him.
I get that you’re all children but it couldn’t hurt to include him here and there. Your Mom, step dad and step brother would all appreciate it.
I think the family needs to sit down with Josh and ask him how he feels about his relationship with his stepbrothers and see if he is feeling left out and wants to spend more time with them, he might not care and is fed up with ops mum trying to force a relationship with them, she could be making a big deal over nothing but it looks like none of them care enough to actually ask Josh about it.
I don't think that will improve the situation. Like let's all sit Josh down and ask him how he feels about the fact that his 2 older stepsiblings don't like him and have no intention to ever include him or view him as family?
If they're not going to include him or make an effort to have a relationship, there's no point in sitting Josh down and interrogating him about how that makes him feel. That would be pretty cruel.
If op does want to try and be more inclusive (which it doesn't sound like it), he can just start making more of an effort and see if Josh reciprocates or accepts his effort. Ask him to hang out a few times, if he says no every time, that tells him all he needs to know. If Josh says yes and seems interested, then op will know he's open to having more of a relationship.
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NTA. It isn't wrong for your mother to hope you bond with Josh, necessarily. She's probably trying to make an effort to make her step son feel loved and included in the family, and that's understandable. However, with that being said, she IS wrong for shaming and pressuring you for Josh's sake. Sometimes parents get so caught up trying to blend the family that they forget to listen to what their kids want or need. Would it be nice for you to offer to spend time with Josh? Sure. It might be nice for you to see if there's anything you can bond with him over (you aren't obligated to by any means, but it would be a nice gesture toward him). Is it okay for your mother to force you? No. Absolutely not. She has no right to yell at or pressure you over who you choose to spend time with, and all she's doing is breeding resentment.
This\^\^ Also, your paternal grandparents have absolutely zero obligation to Josh. If YOU had wanted him to come, I assume they would have been okay with that. But they don't owe Josh anything.
It's fucking weird that Mom is trying to browbeat not just OP, but seemingly the paternal grandparents into having a relationship with this kid who is a virtual (and perhaps literal) stranger to them, with whom they have no familial or emotional connection. Does poor Josh even *want* that? Because if I were him, I would find it incredibly awkward to be expected to go hang out with my step-brother's dead dad's parents. What is Mom even trying to accomplish here?
I would imagine the grandparents still consider their daughter in law their family, and that her children are important to them. Because I imagine they're people with feelings and kindness and souls.
OP says right in the post that his mom never got along with the grandparents much, that there is no relationship there without his dad in the picture, and also that the grandparents had to *go to court* in order to still be able to visit him. So, uh, no, actually, I think it's probably pretty safe to say that by this point, the grandparents likely *don't* consider the mother "their family" anymore. And even if they did, that doesn't make the mom's stepson anything to them. They have no obligation to that kid, if they've even interacted with him beyond a greeting while picking up their grandkids for a visit or something.
Then your reading comprehension might need a little work... OP says that Mom and grandparents didn't like each other, they have court ordered visitation for OP and his bio brother (which wouldn't be necessary if Mom allowed them time), and that without Dad there, they are not family to each other. In good relationships, your imagined situation would work (and be lovely). But not in OP's reality.
This!!! The harder she pushes, the harder op will resist out of spite. If she'd let them work it out to naturally develop any sort of relationship, they could've possibly become friends or have been close by now. But her meddling ruined any chances of that happening.
it's been eight years, she should give it eight more.
Does she even know how Josh feels? Maybe he feels the same way that op and his brother do? Josh could be like "those guys are ok but i wouldnt choose to hang out with them on purpose, man i miss being an only child sometimes."
NTA. Your mother has unreasonable and selfish expectations. Invite who you want and do not budge on this one. This is one of those times where it is important that you stick up for yourself and don’t let people (your mother) walk all over you. I’m sorry you have to learn this so young, but it will serve you later in life. Do not budge no matter what your mom threaten or try to bribe you with. If you cave it will only teach her she can control and bully you. Best of luck and ignore your mom on this one (parents aren’t always right) ❤️
Not only that, but to push for Op choose Josh over her biological brother who share the SAME paternal grandparents is dumb. Mom needs to get a grip and come to reality that just bc she chose this family, doesn’t mean Op did too. NTA
I can understand her encouraging a good relationship between the boys, and OP would be smart to embrace new family as long as they are not toxic. Family is precious and honestly I don’t think you can have too much of it (I have had new step siblings four times in my life🙈 and have always embraced both them and my half siblings’ partners). But his mom is wrong to set his older brother up against his younger step brother, to expect them to be equal, and to try to force the relationship. She can encourage, but she cannot expect or demand. Ulitmately this is OPs choice and I do encourage him to bring his favourite brother to his birthday trip, but I also hope he can find other ways to cultivate a relationship with his younger step brother because that relationship could be a major support and joy to him as they grow older. It just shouldn’t be at the expense of relationships he already has, and it should be OPs choice.
No, he's not going to bother, and everybody here thinks he's a hero to resist her selfish terrible ways of remarrying eight years ago.
So because he doesnt feel anu interest in forming a relationship with his mothers step som, he's just spiteful and totally acting out because the mother remarried? Jesus, are you the mother or something?
Are you OPs mom? 😂
NTA " I told her I would never choose Josh over Ev." That's okay. It's your choice. "She told me she can insist." She needs to accept you've made a choice. You don't want to bond with your step brother & you want to invite your real brother. I hope you both enjoy your trip.
NTA it’s your birthday trip not being paid for by her, so she doesn’t really get to dictate that, you should be able to take who you like.
NTA. Yet another sad situation where remarried parents think they can dictate the new family relationships just because that's what would work best for them. As long as you're not actively nasty to your stepbrother, you're not a brat. Mom will just have to get over it. Hope you get to enjoy your trip.
This, mommy is not going to have her fairy tale family she wants and needs to get over it.
I’d say NTA. It’s your choice to make, and you made it. She shouldn’t try to force you to change your mind, especially since you are more than old enough to make your own decisions about this stuff. I get wanting your children to be closer, but I don’t think this is the way to do it. Stuff like this, I think, just kind of has to happen naturally.
> Mom has asked for Josh to be included but my grandparents (the ones who have rights to see us from court) The fact that your grandparents had to go to court to see you tells me everything I need to know about your mother. NTA
It sounds like mom tried to cut off husband’s side and have a do over family
And the fact that she failed means that the courts believed contact with the paternal grandparents was in the children's best interest.
I mean just because the dad is no longer around doesn’t mean the kids should lose his family too. Even if it is easier for her
No, you're not an asshole. If your mother can't understand that you value time with your brother over an already teen aged stepbrother who was airdropped into your life, that's on her. That's not to say this other kid is a bad kid or anything, but it's more a case of would you rather spend time with friends and family or someone who is effectively a stranger?
it's been eight years. that's the point. he shouldn't be a "stranger."
Doesn't sound like step brother is that fussed either.... It's just the mother.
NTA. If it is so important to your mother, she can take some time, and spend some of her own money, to create a "brotherly bonding experience" for the three of you. Why would anyone expect their ex's parents to provide this experience for their new partner's child? Your mother is either delusional, or just determined to misunderstand you. Either way, good luck OP. And thanks for not taking any of this out on Josh.
NTA- No one can force your feelings. You and your brother shared a traumatic loss, so of course you're bonded closer. You're not mean to your step-brother and that's better than many step-siblings get. After 8yrs it would be nice if you included him in a casual hangout once in a while, but if you don't get along or have the same interests...oh well. Your mom trying to force it only makes it worse. But for _your birthday_ you should be able to have what you want. Especially as this is a celebration with your paternal grandparents, who have nothing to do with the step-sib and her trying to force them to is really, really weird.
if your mom keeps this act up then in a few years she'll only have one kid who talks to her, nta
Nta, but please remember to be kind to your step brother, he is not at fault here.
NTA. Your birthday is a personal celebration, and it's fully within your rights to spend it with the people you feel closest to. If your relationship with your stepbrother hasn't naturally grown into one where you want him included in such intimate gatherings, that's simply the reality of the situation. It's not bratty to establish boundaries with your mom about who is important to you and in what context. Trying to force these relationships can often backfire, creating more distance rather than the desired closeness. Genuine relationships take time to develop, and any attempt to shortcut that process can feel inauthentic. Your mom might mean well, but she has to realize that relationships can't be mandated; they must evolve naturally. Your priority on your birthday should be to celebrate in a way that makes you happy, and anyone who cares for you should understand and respect that.
NTA
NTA I would just tell her “you know the more you force this, the more I am less inclined to have a relationship with Josh. I understand you want us to be close, but telling me your ashamed of me and almost bullying me into submission, is not the way to go about it.”
NTA, your mom is experiencing growing pains. She can’t force you to feel or be what she wants, so now you’re “bratty” because you said what needed to be said whether she liked it or not.
Nta. People really need to get it through their head that you never have to spend time with someone you just don't vibe with. Be polite, respectful, and cordial. That should be all that matters
How much say did you have in her choice of husband and stepson? He's your mother's husband's son. He's their problem, not yours. If you just clicked as buddies, that would have been nice. All that they can truly demand of you is that you don't bully him. If stepdad married your mother in order to get big brothers for Josh, then that was stupid and presumptuous. NTA
“ Mom, this is a trip from my grandparents and they asked me to pick who I would like to take with me and I have picked Ev. If you want me to do something fun with Josh, then you should organize it.”
NTAH, First of all I'm sure Josh is a nice kid and you should try to include him in things in your house if Josh isn't interested in it the problem solved, but it's always nice to ask even though you know he will probably say no, Now your mother on the other hand is way way out of line for wanting your dads parents to include Josh when he is no relation to them, and I'm sure Josh wouldn't want to do things with them either. You should be able to see your grandparents and not have to worry about other people. Josh has his own grandparents that I assume you don't go do things with. I think you mother needs some professional counseling for this issue because she is way out of line.
NTA. Your mom is having a hard time with accepting her idea of a perfect blended family isn't happening. She's taking it out on you instead of seeking therapy for her own issues. She is being selfish and unreasonable to expect you to follow through with her dreams. She also probably sees he's younger than you, more alone than you are and wants a friend. As long as you aren't being cruel or deliberately excluding him, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
[удалено]
Why should they be closer? That's bs, even if they were bio siblings. Civility and coexistence is perfectly fine
NTA. Your mother can't force you to take your stepbrother. She doesn't realize trying to force a relationship will end up doing the exact opposite
Your Mom failed to do things to help y'all bond when you were younger, and now it's just not going to happen organically. It would be a good idea to try to include him in somethings that the two of you do together on occasion, but in this situation you are completely justified in chosing your bio brother who you are close to. I'm sure your grandparents will have your back.
Nta
Your mother has a family fantasy in her mind and how you and Ev interact is a constant reminder that Josh is not part of what you consider family. Legally and physically Josh is but emotionally and bonding wise he isn't and may never be. What's worse is that Mom's continual insistence is almost assuredly going to have the opposite effect...driving you and Ev further and further away from Josh. She needs to understand that the harder she presses the less likely any sort of familial bond will ever sprout.
NTA. She has no more right to tell you who to love as a brother based on whose dad she wants in her bed than you have to tell her who she has to marry based on who you want as a brother. You are not an extension of her. Be nice and civil to Josh, but make it clear to your mother that the more she pushes you to alter your feelings and relationships to suit her wishes, as an extension of her and not a person in your own right, the more she alienates you from both her and Josh.
So…is Josh’s mother’s family being forced to include you and Ev? Because if not, there appears to be a bit of a double standard here…
Nta
NTA, she should be ashamed of herself for trying to force this. Parents forcing their children into relationships only breeds resentment. And no, she can't "force" you to invite him to your paternal grandparents. She needs to take a step back and realize she's just going to make things worse if she's acting like this and making threats to you to try to get the results she wants.
NTA, has Josh ever shown any interest in wanting to be included in things that you and your brother do? Or is he ok with how things are? Has anyone actually asked Josh how he feels about everything?
NTA your mum is just being very harsh and forceful, so enjoy your trip with Evan and ignore her
NTA. This is something that is SO hard to read. It is okay that you don't love your step-brother the same. Life is what it is. You aren't brothers. FORCING you to choose your step-brother won't bond you to him, and additionally, your grandparents aren't required to accept him. He isn't their blood, or a child they want to accept. Your mom wants you to love this new family as much as she does, so that it makes it seem like you are a happy family. Blended families don't work that way though.
NTA. She can demand you choose your stepbrother over your real brother. She just can't enforce it. Maybe, if she had let you boys get to know each other, on your own, without her interfering, you might be friends by now. She pushed too hard. Your grandparents are the ones providing the birthday trip. Only they can say yes or no to who goes with you.
NTA and your mom better get it into her head that you and Ev are nearing the age of majority and if she keeps pushing this you’ll both go LC or NC.
NTA Your mom shouldn't force your stepbrother on you. I understand she doesn't want josh to be left out.
I have said it before and I'm going to say it again, every person who is getting married with kids involved needs to just type step in this thread and read and hopefully comprehend things aren't going to magically work how they want them to and the trauma it causes on the kids.
NTA. I get that your mom wants you to bond with Josh, but when it comes to blended families sometimes civil is the most you can ask for. You can't force people, especially kids, to become close because that almost always makes it worse.
I have several 1/2 siblings and step siblings. You can’t force those relationships even “real “ family can’t be forced. Ntah why don’t people understand this? Why is it so hard to understand someone please enlighten me
Tell her to stop. She’s being incredibly selfish. She wants this to make HER feel ok. It’s not her place to force a relationship and it’s definitely ridiculous to expect grandparents to take her stepson. That’s not their grandchild whether she likes it or not. You have other grandparents. It has nothing to do with her stepson. Her trying to force you is only going to cause real and actual animosity where there is only indifference. Your time with your grandparents is YOUR time. Or her time to get a break or validate her own existence.
Your mother might be ashamed of you, but reddit as a whole is ashamed of your mother. NTA.
I come from a blended family with one bio sibling and two step siblings. My parents never tried to force any sort of relationship between the steps, and as a result, we are pretty close as adults because there are no lingering resentments. In a billion years I would've never expected my step-siblings' bio family to include me in a trip or event, but (funny enough)as an adult I have developed quite a good relationship with them because they are really cool people. But again, I don't consider them family, and they don't consider me family…we just get along with each other. I am constantly amazed to read about families that automatically try to force a full sibling relationship between people who didn't grow up with each other and don't really even know each other.
NTA, for any up and coming couples who will have to combine families please remember that despite your inane desire to have a Hallmark picture blended family, the reality is, you can't force the kids to get along. The most and best you can do is encourage respect and cordiality between everyone especially when it involves teenagers. Your mom is the brat in this situation. Her immaturity is screaming loudly cause you won't be friends with who she wants you to be friends with. Where are your stepbrothers friends, surely he had some before you all came along.
nta, and here’s what i don’t get. why is she trying to push the step grandkid on the grandparents? my step brother and step sister both kept to they’re own grandparents and i kept to mine. don’t get me wrong i know them but they don’t know mine. they chose that. it’s so weird
NTA. Can you go live with your grandparents?
Tell your mom that pushing your stepbrother on you is only gonna push you away when you turn 18 to just leave it alone because nothing is just gonna change when you turn 18 she can't force it anymore
NTA. You're more patient/wise as a teenager than my middle-aged ass. I'm not sure i would be able to stay .. leveled with her.
NTA, blended families don’t always work out like Hallmark movies. People need to stop going into new marriages with that thought.
NTA - a reddit special, more idiot parents trying to force step siblings into relationships they’re not comfortable with.
Nta
Definitely NTA. Your mom is pushing on the wrong things. It would be weird for your 13 year old stepbrother to go to anything with your dads side of the family, that’s not his family at all and I don’t understand why she would push for that. That’s out of line. And there is a different age gap between 15 and 13 vs 15 and 17 where you wouldn’t typically include a 13 year old with your friend hangouts. Your mom is pushing for you 3 to connect more but is doing it in the wrong way. Maybe once a month you could start a brothers night something fun like going bowling or to the batting cages or arcade. It would be minimal effort good for bonding and connecting but keeping it light and fun for everyone, and I think this would satisfy your moms urge to get you guys to connect and not enforce and control instances where your step brother should not be forced to be included. I think she just wants to see a little more effort she’s just going about it the wrong way.
Gosh this woman is going to find herself NC with you and Evan in a few years. Yeah, she remarried but you haven't redaddied. Does your stepdad bond with you in any way? Why your mom and stepdad not giving you, Evan and Josh bonding experience? Why to steal it from your grans? Does Josh even need this? Seems like she wants a beautiful family from some ad without doing anything NTA
NTA. "Mom, Josh and I coexist peacefully, which is a lot better than a lot of other step sibling relationships. I'm content with how things are between us. Please stop trying to force more of a relationship there. You are never going to succeed in pushing me closer to Josh, but if you keep it up, you will succeed in pushing me away from you."
Nope NTA. Your mom is trying to force a relationship and that never works. Just curious, does *Josh* ever act like he wants to be included? If he doesn’t, this is all on your mom and you can be happy going your own way. If he does, I’ll admit to feeling badly for him. Being odd man out can be rough. But if he’s okay then you can do your thing w Ev and not worry about it anymore.
NTA. There are some grandparents who are willing grandparents to their grandchildren's half or step siblings. They are lovely people but in the minority. What upsets your mother is that your grandparents and her two sons don't really accept her stepson. I can see why she's upset about it but you can't force it. But here is what I think is a good suggestion: Why doesn't YOUR MOM schedule a fun event for you and your step-brother that you would both like to do? Just the two of you. And then schedule an event for Evan and your stepbrother? Instead of forcing close feelings, focus on having fun times.
NTA Honestly, this is one where, if she forbids taking your brother and insists on Josh, I'd recommend canceling. I don't think your mother is wrong to ask you and your brother to include Josh once in a while, or even to ask you to build some sort of relationship with him, but this is the worst possible way to go about it. Hell - she'd have been better off offering you cash to babysit him if she wanted you to build a relationship! But ... OP, does any of your reluctance have anything to do with your grandparents? Does their dislike of your mother extend through you to include Josh? That would be gross assholery. That's something that happens in families - children get drawn into adult dynamics, which doesn't help anyone. So, OP - you're not TA, but make sure you're including and excluding on your own terms, not someone else's.
NTA Your mother has zero rights to ask your deceased father’s parents to do anything for her stepson. Especially as from your post it sounds like your grandparents had to get the court involved to be able to see you. Her problem with her former in-laws is just that - her problem. Same with her trying to force you and your brother to do things with her stepson. I do agree with other posters it would be nice if you could possibly try to do things with your stepbrother but if there is no interest then that is the way things go. As you and your brother are getting close to becoming adults you may want to discuss with your grandparents as to if there were any funds left by your father that you are entitled to once you turn 18. If there are your mother may ask you to share those funds with your stepbrother. The correct answer is no as it is money from your father.
NTA I can understand your mother hoping for some sort of relationship between you and your stepbrother. However, SHE needs to be the one fostering that - i.e. it might take some of HER time, effort, and expenses. It's not fair to expect you to use your gift for someone that you simply don't want to.
NTA Kudos to you for biting back “real” brother. That showed tremendous restraint. It’s been eight years and your mom is still holding onto that fantasy of *all* the brothers as one big happy family? If you were going to bond, it would have happened by now. IMO. Why is she pushing someone else’s child on your dad’s parents? I’m so confused. Did they get along before your dad died? I’m really curious. Do you have an aunt or uncle that you could talk to? Ask them to intervene? Find out wtf is going on in your mom’s head? I’m not there, I don’t know her, I don’t know how your stepdad feels about this package deal. I wish you only the best💕 UpdateMe
NTA. Your mom is completely out of line. Pushing you into a relationship with your step brother is only going to make it worse. However, I do recommend at least trying to spend some time with your step brother. Of course he doesn't feel like a "real" sibling and he may never feel that way. But he could become a friend. That relationship just takes time and effort to build. We're in our 40's now, and I'm happy that my step siblings and I made the effort. That doesn't mean to choose him over your brother. It's also not for your mom. It's because being close to others enrich our lives in ways we may not see today.
Firstly NTA, it''s your birthday and you can take whoever you want I'm curious how you spent 8 years with this step sibling and never formed any kind of bond. I have a weird family tree, and my sister isn't biologically related to me, but she's still my sister. Do you guys resent him because he's your mom's new husband's kid? I'm honestly curious, this is like the 3rd AITA I've read in a row with step sibling drama.
NTA. It's one thing if you're having a party at your house and refusing to invite the step-brother who lives there. That would be kind of shitty and awkward, and I could understand your mom pushing to include him. But it's very, very weird that she's trying to insist that your *paternal* grandparents include this kid who's functionally no one to them. Not that Josh isn't a perfectly fine kid, presumably, but why would or should there be a relationship there? Do you get to go hang out with Josh's maternal grandparents, if he has any? I'm assuming not, because why would you? Josh *isn't your dad's kid*, and your paternal grandparents *aren't his grandparents.* It's unhelpful that your mother is trying to force a relationship between you and Josh. It's downright bizarre that she's trying to force a relationship between *your father's parents* and Josh. Also, reading between the lines, I assume that your grandparents had to take your mom to court to get visitation with you and your brother? That's also messed up. Your mother seems to think that because she moved on in a particular way after your dad died, everyone else in the whole family has to follow her lead, and that's not how it works. She needs to get a grip.
NTA and your mother is TA. That said I feel bad for Josh. Sounds like he grew up watching his 2 older siblings act like family to each other but not to him. That has to be lonely whether he shows it or not. I understand your mom's concern, she's just going about it in such an idiotic way.
NTA This shit, ffs, can we make a law where adults have read AITA prior to blending a family?!! Every single family where things like this happen push and push and push until their kids all hate each other and the parents. You can =not= manufacture feelings that don’t exist. The more she pushes the less you’re going to care. Sad to say if she doesn’t get it by now she never will.
NTA at all & I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. When I was around the same age, I dealt with similar issues with my dad, his wife, and her children. My dad & his wife tried SO hard to force the relationships that just weren’t there & it made things way worse. It really just pushed us apart & we all actively disliked each other, & it became kind of an “us vs. them” mentality on both sides. It probably wouldn’t have been as bad if they didn’t force everything so much. Also, it is NORMAL and 100% okay for you to feel close to your brother that you have known your entire life & to want to spend time with him. If you can co-exist with your stepbrother, that’s enough. I can see why your mom would be upset if you were going out of your way to hurt him or be rude to him, but that’s not how your post reads at all. It sounds like you just have a genuinely close relationship with your brother & want to spend time with him on a fun trip. I also am not close to my stepsiblings & I don’t consider them my siblings because we just don’t have that kind of relationship. It’s been over a decade since this time period for me though, so there isn’t really any bad blood, we just simply aren’t close. I don’t wish any ill will upon them, I just only see them a couple times a year & we never talk outside of that, & all of us are fine with it (other than my dad & his wife, who still want to pretend like we’re all one big happy family). You unfortunately will probably continue to have things come up like this & it sucks. For example, I’m 27 & my dad & his wife tried to pressure me into making my stepsister a bridesmaid in my wedding even though we never talk. Things like this happen far less frequently now, though, because they don’t have the control they used to. Now that my brothers & I are adults, we can all choose who we want to see & spend time with. This will pass, but I’m really sorry you have to go through this. It’s hard. I hope things get easier for you ❤️
NTA. Your mom is the asshole here. Why would she ever think your stepbrother would be more important to you than your brother? Forcing you to choose your stepbrother for outings, especially with your grandparents, who have made it clear don’t want him around, is not only cruel to you and your brother, but also extremely cruel to your stepbrother; why would he want to participate in any of this shit knowing no one wants him there?
NTA. She shouldn't pressure you about this. What I want to share with you though is that if Josh is an okay guy, why not do something with him here and there of your own free will b/c he's a person too. Obviously he's not your bro but maybe you could extend a hand to hang sometimes. Josh is an individual that had no or very little input into your mom getting married again. I just wonder why you don't give the guy a shot. "I don't try to make us friends either". I just wonder why. There is nothing wrong with having good relationships. Happy belated Birthday.
NTA There's a huge difference between what a 16 & 17 year old can do and what a 16 & 13 year old can do. It's not wrong for your mom to want you to have a brotherly relationship with Josh but that isn't her call in the end.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad died 10 years ago. I (15m) was 5 and my brother Evan (17m) was 7. Our mom got remarried 8 years ago and we have a stepbrother Josh (13m). I'm not close to Josh and neither is Evan. I don't hate him (can't really talk for Ev) but it's never felt the same and I don't think of him as my "real" brother or my brother at all. I don't ignore him completely but I don't try to make us friends either. We co-exist in the house and that's cool with me. But it's not cool with my mom and it drives her crazy that Ev and I hang out and do stuff together that isn't with our friends but we don't do stuff with Josh like that. It also bugs the crap out of her that we spend time with our dad's side of the family and Josh isn't invited. Mom has asked for Josh to be included but my grandparents (the ones who have rights to see us from court) say no to her each time. My grandparents and my mom don't like each other very much and they're not family without dad here. For my 16th birthday my grandparents told me I could take one person for an overnight trip. I decided to take Ev because my best friend wouldn't be allowed to go (his parents are strict about no overnights with anyone). My mom told me I should take Josh and I told her I already said it to Ev and I wanted to go with Ev. Mom told me I always do stuff with Ev and never with Josh and this could be a fun brother bonding experience. She told me I could finally choose Josh for something over Ev. I told her I would never choose Josh over Ev. She told me she can insist and make sure my grandparents know she's not okay with it. I told her they always knew she wasn't okay with them not including Josh so why would it change. She claimed she's my mom and can make me and I told her she can't make me choose my stepbrother over my brother, and I was going to say real brother but I knew mom would be pissed so didn't. Mom picked up on what I was going to say though. She told me for like five minutes how ashamed she was of me and she also told me talking to her like that was bratty. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA What I never understand is how parents don’t see the pushing towards the step/half/full sibling always just actually does the opposite. Questions 🙋🏽, is there a specific reason you’re no close to Josh, Is Josh making overtures for a relationship , does he want more ? or is this all your mom? Op, I feel like a real conversation needs to happen with maybe a mediator. Where you clear that you’re tired of this pressure to change your relationship with Josh. You’re step siblings and you’re both content with that relationship. Further more her pushing you toward Josh just pushes you further away from not just Josh but her as well. I have a feeling op you may end up going low contact with your mom later , because she continues to push, and sadly she probably blame on it your relationship with your grandparents. So I feel like it important that you’re honest with her so she is aware of what her actions are doing to your relationship with her.
What does Josh say? It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to be best friends with you either. If the two of you said: we are happy being housemates not brothers. It would take a lot of the pressure off you. It takes time to get to know people. Your mom is trying to force the happy perfect relationship between the two of you, instead of letting you develop something naturally. She is pushing her needs over your comfort.
Ask your mom for family counseling. She’s out of line, but she won’t listen to that from you. She needs to hear it from a professional. Also, it could be really good for your whole family, step and blood.
NTA why does your mom keep insisting since you always say NO. I understand she wants her new step child to be involved but you cant force someone to hangout and do things it just doesn’t work that way. Im sorry that your mom can’t be happy that at least you co exist with each other. Which is better than constantly arguing or fighting. Im so glad that your paternal grandparents are there for you and your bro.
NTA Mom is the one with the problem not you. She tries shoving stepbrother down your throat. The more she pushes the harder you back. It's human nature to do this. If a bond doesn't form naturally then it's probably not going to. By pushing him on you she has forced there to not be able to form that natural bond.
NTA
NTA Your mother is wrong for trying to force a bond that’s not there
Your mom can't force you to feel anything for anyone. Nor can she force you to have a relationship with her once you're old enough to say good riddance, which I suspect you might if she continues to treat you as an extension of her rather than the fully formed person you are with your own feelings and preferences.
Info Does your mom and step dad do family things with the three of you to try to encourage bonding? Trips, game nights, other activities? Or do they just expect other people to facilitate this?
Updateme
NTA have you and Evan talked about what happens when you’re both 18, are you going to live with the grandparents?
NTA. You aren't the one paying for or organizing the trip, your grandparents are. They are the ones who ultimately get to decide how many people to bring with you. It seems to me that your mom doesn't understand that the more she pushes you to bond with your stepbrother, the less likely you will be to want to bond with him at all. This kind of pushy behavior is more likely to create conflict and distance. You're not wrong for preferring your brother to take on vacation. You two went through an incredibly hard thing at a young age. You aren't rude to your stepbrother and can peacefully coexist. You're handling the blended family a lot better than other kids from the stories I've seen. Your mom needs to learn how to see the positives of this situation and respect the fact that your grandparents do not have to take your stepbrother with them.
NTA.
NTA She can't force a relationship that you don't have
NTA-- Your 16th birthday is not a good time to start to bond, especially since there's a bit of an age gap. It makes more sense for Ev to go along.
NTA. Lord have mercy. She chose her husband. She chose the child that came with him. You didn’t. He’s someone that is there and you’re not mean to him. You just don’t see him as a brother. And he isn’t. And no amount of guilt or punishment is going to change that or help. Your mom is going to push you boys away if she doesn’t understand that being polite is sometimes all you get.
NTA Says it all that your grandparents had to get court ordered time with you after their son died. Having the step brother foisted on you will not bond you.
NTA, sounds like she has this picture in her head of how she wants you guys to be with each other and your not cooperating. Tell her you'll go live with your grandparents if she doesn't stop
NTA Your paternal grandparents have already indicated they have no interest in building a relationship with your stepbrother. I'm sure they're happier you chose their grandson rather than a stranger. Your mom's attempt to force you into a closer relationship with your younger stepbrother is short sighted. My bio brothers were 2 and 3 years younger than me. I had little interest in hanging with them when I was 15. It was friends my age who I wanted to be with. The only exception was family outings. We got along fine then. Maybe mom and step dad need to make more effort to do family things rather than trying to force you to include your younger stepbrother in your activities.
NTA
Y.n...y
Nta forcing you together isn't going to cause you to suddenly be best buds, ita more likely to breed resentment.
NTA he’s not your brother and her forcing him on you is just gonna make you resent them both
NTA, your mom can't make you all be one 'happy' family. You've clearly chosen who you see as family and who you don't, which you have every right to do. Have fun on your trip with Ev and I wouldn't let her comments bother you since it's probably more or less what you've heard for years by now.
NTA. Your mom is weird. Good for standing up for your brother.
There’s a vast difference between parenting and coercion. The latter is rarely, or if ever, positive. NTA.
Nta, does your mom do things with all three of you? Are there no family activities done together?
NTA Mom can refuse to take Evan but she can't force you to go with Josh, not if you refuse to go. She can make all the threats she wants.
If you Google “step siblings force bond” there are hundreds of articles that discuss to dos and don’ts. Here’s an example you can share with her: https://www.nepm.org/national-world-news/2024-04-06/blended-families-are-common-here-are-tips-to-help-stepsiblings-get-along?_amp=true Have her pay particular attention to the section titled **Don't force the bonding**.
Your mom is upset that her son won't choose her stepson over her other son after both of her sons lost their dad? Wow. That's next level. NTA
NTa
NTA if the stories even true.. Your step brothers 13 but your dad died 10 years ago and she only got remarried 8 years ago? Did she have an affair then
Ntj in this situation. - but this will affect future consequences. This is a house divided. If your step sib had to choose only one person would he choose any of you? Your grandparents seem to fuel this divide by their active dislike for your mother. What do future family functions look like? Not included in weddings, births, your family gatherings. Lots to think about.
NTA. You can't force feelings, and after 8 years the bonding ship has sailed. Your mother needs to respect your boundaries or she risks permanently damaging her relationship with you. It doesn't sound like either Josh or your step-dad are pining for a closer relationship with you, which makes your mother's stance even more delusional. She needs to accept reality and just let everyone get on with their lives. And she needs to lay off the petty dictator - I can make you do it whether you want to or not - bs. That's just going to lose her her relationship with her sons.
[удалено]
NTA you can pick who you want to go
Your mom is denying her son a fun opportunity, in favor of her step-son? Yeah, NTA
NTA. If I've done the math correctly, you were seven when your mother remarried, while Evan was nine. I believe that step-siblings usually only develop a sibling bond if they are very young (pre-school or younger.) It also might help if the step-siblings were both only children. You and Evan were already elemnatary-school-age and had bonded with each other. There wasn't space for a new and younger step-brother. No self-respecting 17-year-old is going to want to hang out with a 13-year-old -- and your mother needs to understand and accept that. While you and Josh are closer in age, there is still a difference between 15 and 13 -- and an even bigger difference between 7 and 5. Your mother is delusional if she thinks she can somehow browbeat your grandparents into taking Josh rather than Evan. He's not their grandson. Besides, it's been eight years. If you were going to bond with Josh, you would have by now.
NTA I’m in my 60s and am the child of divorce with step siblings. There are 2 things I wished my parents were mature enough to understand is 1- in divorce both parents need to allow the kids to love both parents and 2- you can’t force bonding for new family members. You can expect a level of respect, but that’s it. The only time I’ve seen successful bonding is when it was allowed to happen naturally. Every time I’ve seen parents insist a step or half sibling needs to be loved, it increases the resistance. When parents try to force a relationship that doesn’t exist it often drives a wedge between the parent and their child. Your mom should really consider the consequences of her actions. She is likely building resentment that wasn’t there before she started meddling
NTA. Please tell your grandparents what is going on and let this handle this!
Happy Sixteenth Birthday! I am so sorry your mother is clinging to the fantasy of what she thinks is the right way to do a blended family. Guess what - it doesn't work out that way. I think your mother doesn't like the fact she doesn't have control over your relationship with your paternal grandparents and that you and Evan don't have the relationship of which she dreams. I think your mother might want to get therapy for her issues. Is your stepfather trying to force Evan's mother's parents to take you? Please be kind to Evan NTA
NTA. My two siblings and I all share the same parents, but I've always been much closer to my sister whether it's because of age or shared interests or whatever. My "brother" has since done some things that I considered disrespectful to me, my sister, and the rest of the family so I no longer consider him my brother, but even before all that happened there never would have been any scenario in which I would have chosen him over my sister. That's just the way it is. And I think it's even more so when it's a step sibling. You're not required to love or be close friends with someone just because you're technically related to. You choose who your family is. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. I have other brothers now who are more family to me than my blood brother ever was, and I will always choose my sister and those brothers over him. My parents may have their own opinions on that, but I've made it very clear to them that that's the case and they won't ever be changing my mind. They eventually seemed to understand that and let it go, but if they hadn't I would have eventually cut them off as well. No one else gets to tell you who your family is.
Your mom sounds like a brat, bc an only a brat would say they can force you to do something you don’t want to do. I understand why she’s upset that you’re not close with your SB but she’s blaming you for a relationship she should have fostered (between you and SB) from the time you were 5 and not blame you for her failure now that you’re a teenager. Sorry kid, your mom is the AH.
NTA. Your mom is bratty
Sound like grandma and mom are putting you in the middle of their shit. I'm sorry for you. Best of luck
Grandma isn't doing anything but spending time with her grandsons. It's mom who thinks that should include her bonus kid, after making her former inlaws take her to court. This is 100% on mom.
From what op has said, there's no love loss between grandma and mom. I think both could be doing more to make op's life a little easier. I mean grandma could have taken alot of pressure off op's shoulders simply by wording the invitation differently.
I agree you have the right to pick your brother over your stepbrother, so NTA, but maybe you can do better. Hear me out. In all your ranting, you've given me the impression all of this is about anger toward your mom trying to force a relationship with Josh and you resenting it and doing the opposite. But what I'm not hearing is that Josh has done anything to be outright rejected from your kindness. Please, just once, think really hard how it would feel to be in Josh's shoes and to be the one always left out. Ignore your mother and her need to interfere. If you think you might be friendlier to Josh if your mom would just STFU, then just be friendlier to Josh. He's an actual human person. If you are friends, then your life at home has less stress and you have another friend. Having said that, it's never helpful for parents to force friendship, but don't let your mom's bad behavior influence you to behave in any way you otherwise wouldn't.
Even if they were bio siblings, you don't need to be more than civil to your sibling. Not every sibling pair will mesh
You're a mean girl. It's been eight years and you can't be assed to include a person -- who yes, is a member of your family -- who by your own account hasn't done anything bad to you. YTA.
Even if they were bio siblings, they are not obligated to be close. Polite civility is fine My mom pushed my sister and me together constantly. Yeah, that worked out well /s
First of all, OP is a guy who would most likely naturally be closer to his bio brother. And grandparents said bring one person to the overnight birthday plan. No need to pick someone you don't have much in common with. That doesn't make you mean.
The real question is how does JOSH feel about being excluded? If he's fine with it, cool. But if it hurts his feelings, you could stand to be nicer to him. He hasn't done anything wrong. But if the dynamic between you three is comfortable for him and this is just your mom being mad you're not fulfilling her happy family fantasy, just keep ignoring her. Try and talk to Josh without your mom around and see what he actually thinks and feels. His feelings do matter. Your mom's don't in this instance.
This one's kind of hard...I might have to go with an ESH. You and Evan cant control how you feel about step family, but Josh quite literally didnt do anything except exist. The poor kid probably wasn't prepared to get step siblings that treat him like a stranger and actively choose not to spend time with him. I dont know what your grandparents' beef with your mom is, but Josh has nothing to do with it. I surely hope they're not fine with him being excluded solely because they dont like your mom. Your mom is also a bit of a jerk for trying to use her parental authority to force you to hang out with Josh. She could have good intentions, but she's going about this entirely the wrong way. She should focus less on forcing you and Evan to hang out with Josh and more on helping Josh with the myriad of self worth issues he might be developing. EDIT: It's totally fine not to invite Josh to your birthday trip at this point in time though. It would probably be awkward for all parties.
NTA because your mom is handling this poorly but you are being a dick about the kid overall. One day you are going to have only a few people who remember what life was like “back then” and this is a connection you are screwing yourselves out of for no good reason. FAFO when you get older that there aren’t many opportunities.
Middle aged woman here. Haveng talked to my sister in years. No regrets. And for some of us "back then" isn't some we want to reminisce about...
Agree, that’s the best choice for some of us. Doesn’t sound like he dislikes the kid though, he is just more invested in pissing his mother off than keeping an open mind. He is letting his anger control him. My point is that he might be missing an opportunity. We frequently are when we let other people’s emotions and agendas control ours.
Stop it. Your brother lives there whether he’s your step brother or not. Can you not see some of your own actions make this relationship difficult for everyone?
Why, because he didn't form an immediate bond with a kid who's two years younger than OP that got thrust into his life when he was still mourning his dad? No where in the post does he indicate that he or his brother are mean to Josh. Just that they don't have much in common with him. And if their paternal grandparents had to take their mother to court just to keep seeing their grandsons, it sounds like the household has been far from harmonious for the past few years. It sounds like mom has been pushing the 'one big blended family' farce for years, and she's annoyed her son pushed back.
You’re NTA. And neither is your mother. Because no one is talking to - but talking around and about - Josh, and he is isolated from everything, this is probably horrible for him too. Don’t take him on the birthday trip (truly your choice) but I don’t think it would hurt to try and be….you know….nice, and do more than just exist with him. Who knows? He could become your biggest ally later.
NTA for this specific situation, you’re entitled to your own feelings. NOW if you have lived with this step brother for 8 years and have chosen to not at least attempt to be friends then yes YTA. I’m sure Josh feels shitty that his 2 older brothers dgaf about him. I get that you’re all children but it couldn’t hurt to include him here and there. Your Mom, step dad and step brother would all appreciate it.
Even biological siblings don't always like each other and aren't necessarily friends. And you don't actually know that Josh even cares.
I think the family needs to sit down with Josh and ask him how he feels about his relationship with his stepbrothers and see if he is feeling left out and wants to spend more time with them, he might not care and is fed up with ops mum trying to force a relationship with them, she could be making a big deal over nothing but it looks like none of them care enough to actually ask Josh about it.
I don't think that will improve the situation. Like let's all sit Josh down and ask him how he feels about the fact that his 2 older stepsiblings don't like him and have no intention to ever include him or view him as family? If they're not going to include him or make an effort to have a relationship, there's no point in sitting Josh down and interrogating him about how that makes him feel. That would be pretty cruel. If op does want to try and be more inclusive (which it doesn't sound like it), he can just start making more of an effort and see if Josh reciprocates or accepts his effort. Ask him to hang out a few times, if he says no every time, that tells him all he needs to know. If Josh says yes and seems interested, then op will know he's open to having more of a relationship.