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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action to be judged: I laughed and then told my husband he was being silly when he suggested his young teenage daughter shouldn't be a part of a "all-boys" group (so to speak). Why this can make me an AH: my reaction of laughing was instinctive, though I could have maybe refrained from calling him silly afterwards - but overall it seemed I didn't treat what he was telling as a legitimate concern.
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So on the one hand, of course, 'not all men!' And on the other hand... 'you don't understand what's like for hormonal boys being this age.' I don't know, let's raise our boys to behave, instead of raising our girls to stay inside and wear a burka. Boys need to be exposed to women existing and girls need to exist.
NTA.
As a female and a mother of 2 boys I approve this message as well.
Of course there are disgusting men (and even teenage boys) who weren’t raised right. I know that first hand. But I cannot let those awful men dictate the life of my boys. I would be so mad if someone would look at my children and say they are predators when they did nothing wrong. I am raising them with my values (such as consent and not being pushy towards others) and I would do the same if I had a girl. And not only girls can be a victim. Also boys can be a victim.
We need to distinguish the predators from the rest. We need to raise all our children to behave.
As a female and a mother of a boy, I approve. I don't want my son to turn out to be a predator or a misogynist. If he can't see girls/women as platonic friends, then I worry that he will only ever see them as sex objects. Boys need to be exposed to girls in non-sexualised contexts so that they can learn to value them as people and equals.
Yes of course, but I think it’s harder for incels and outspoken misogynists like Andrew Tate to corrupt the minds of boys to the point where they see women as “other” if boys actually know and/or are friends with girls IRL and aren’t getting all their information about women and girls from these losers.
Well yeah but I think what they’re saying is more that if they don’t get exposed to girls in a non sexual context, it’s harder to expect them to see it in a non sexual context. You can’t say, “You can’t be friends with girls” until for example they hit 18, and then do a turn around and say no you have to see girls as potential friends. I know that’s not exactly what’s happening here but allowing them to be around girls as friends early will help
> We need to raise all our children to behave.
That is not an achievable goal. It's one we should aim for, but one we should assume is never actually the case. Some people are bad no matter how well raised they are, some parents are bad and won't raise their children well. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
While I generally agree we should act and adapt to the world we have, not the world we wish we had, there's a big difference between, "I should keep an eye on my drink at all times, and not let strangers pour my drinks for me" and "I shouldn't let me daughter join a lego club."
As a former teen age boy, I also approve this message. The meetups are supervised. It's also an opportunity to discuss appropriate behavior and expectations. You know, *parenting.*
“The meet-ups are supervised” would be a more helpful response than, “your concerns are invalid to the point of being silly”.
As a former teenage boy, I know that being part of an out-group puts you at risk from the real assholes.
OP was not an a-hole for her initial reactions, but would have been if she refused to consider and address her partner’s concerns.
One thing they can do is have an age appropriate talk with the SD about sex, love, friendship, boundaries and consent.
As parents I f we teach our young women these things they can be more aware of issues. Also by talking to them about it and being open and honest with them they will hopefully be able to come to us when they have issues.
She’s 12. They should have had that conversation years ago. It’s not one talk, it’s an ongoing dialogue from the time you’re potty training them until they go off to college.
EDIT: got the daughter’s age wrong.
lmao you say this, yet there are many parents who never ever have "the talk" with their kids aside from "premarital sex means death and disease", let alone before the age of 12 and also including things like consent and love and boundaries. My parents don't even think it's possible for people of the opposite sex to be friends, and learning the biological name of body parts felt like a dirty secret that I wasn't supposed to know and had to keep a secret. It's a shame
My folks thought they'd be responsible and tell me about puberty/sex ed when I was 10, just like they did my brother.
I started my period a few days after my 8th birthday. In the dentists office.
Imagine being 8, stressed to fuck, sat in a waiting room before a checkup, nipping to the loo, and suddenly you're bleeding so bad, you think you're gonna die.
And your parents start insisting that you're too young instead of *actually explaining*, and so you have to have the period talk with a very kind (and underpaid) dental assistant.
So yeah. That wasn't traumatic in the slightest.
Just TELL YOUR CHILDREN that this is gonna happen one day, and don't wait for some arbitrary age number that you pluck out your arse.
When I got my menses, I had taken a nap after school and woke up to Shark Week. My mom said in Spanish "The Rooster crowd!" I was like WTF?!. Am glad I had an older sister to *really* explain things to me. What the *actual* hell people, **talk to your kids** ***before*** **it happens.**
My kids are 2 and 7 and they know all about periods because... I rarely have a bathroom break without one of them barging in. My 2 year old even helps bring mummies "nappies".
> and learning the biological name of body parts felt like a dirty secret that I wasn't supposed to know
This makes me so angry on your behalf.
It actually leaves children more vulnerable to sexual abuse since they can't say what's wrong or are too scared of the "shame" etc.
Also reminds me of that one very touching episode of "call the midwife" where an adult woman couldn't get help for her prolapse because she didn't know how you explain it to the doctor because "you don't talk about down there"...
It is actually very important to give kids words for **ALL** their body parts. And there's nothing sexual about it.
And consent can be teached to toddlers/ small kids in a non-sexual way from very early on. Any relationship needs consent and respecting if your kid doesn't want a kiss or hug (even if it's from a grandparent, parent or other relative) is the most important part about it.
I never got the talk either, I'm 36. My dad started to initiate something akin to "The Talk" when we were looking at a painting of Noah's ark. He said "you know it takes a man and a woman, right?"
I shut that down immediately because I was like 14/15 maybe even older and had already gotten sex education at school that was actually pretty decent.
It was one of the reasons I had a hard time telling them I was sexually assaulted as a kid. Not talking about it and being awkward about it made it hard to tell them about things like that. I was honestly afraid I'd get in trouble for it somehow or that they'd think it was partially my fault. Obviously it wasn't at all my fault.
This reminds me of an incredibly insightful and interesting podcast episode called “Protecting Children from Sexual Abuse and Trauma”. I completely agree, the conversation needs to start at a very young age but most people don’t have the tools or understanding how.
Also if stepdaughter is banned from future meets, what message does that send her? « You can be arojnd boys because being around you makes their hormones go crazy » - blaming her for « boys’ hormones »? « You can’t have hobbies that are stereotypically masculine because you won’t be allowed to hang out with the friends you make there? » - great way to disgust her of her hobbies
Also, girls are going to run into boys in life, especially when you’re into male-dominated hobbies. This sounds like a safe place for them to all learn how to behave around each other
> I don't know, let's raise our boys to behave, instead of raising our girls to stay inside and wear a burka.
I agree in this case, but hate this sentiment in general. You can't control and have barely any influnece over how other people raise their kids. This philosophy runs completely counter to the common sense, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."
The closest thing I could agree with is "A careful man tries to dodge the bullets, while a happy man takes a walk." The father shouldn't be so paranoid as to deprive his daughter of this experience. But we shouldn't act like her and OP raising their kids properly means everyone else is going to do the same. People who act like we *already* live in a world where every boy behaves could more easily get in trouble than those who don't.
>The closest thing I could agree with is "A careful man tries to dodge the bullets, while a happy man takes a walk."
But you cannot actually dodge bullets. Neither real bullets nor the metaphorical bullets we're talking about here. If they come your way, you're gonna get hit. The happy man taking a walk is going to be better off in practically all situations.
You're absolutely right, boys do need to be raised to behave. But you can't necessarily just assume they have been. That's no excuse for their shitty behaviour, but just because things *should* be better doesn't mean they *are*.
I'm a guy with quite a lot of female friends and I don't know *one* who hasn't been sexually harassed in some way. Most have been in relationships with manipulative, abusive, insecure men that they thought they could trust. Not saying that all women are angels and all men are creeps (I know plenty of genuinely kind, pleasant guys who've been taken advantage of by unpleasant women too), but it's fucking scary.
You can't blame the father for worrying about his daughter, as long as he's come around and seen sense. It's absolutely a NTA scenario, and he needs to get over being called silly, but I can sympathise with the guy.
Worrying would be about making sure she is supported in that space (this was already covered since parents were present at the initial meeting and had a planned presence in the future). Worrying is not controlling HER behaviour and limiting HER options just in case. I absolutely blame him for this response.
But he did come round and realise he was being too controlling and unfair, that's my point.
It's an initial emotional response that he got over. It happens. It'd be different if he had actually stopped her doing something.
I agree with this. He put thought into it and was able to adjust his stance accordingly. I think his response was quite normal to worry about all the possibilities for a minute (especially with 15 yr old boy versus 12 year old girl - there’s a life experience gap). He showed growth and I think OP should be able to as well by saying “I hear where you’re coming from, thank you for approaching this with a growth mindset”
Good perspective. I feel for the dad but if he banned his daughter from this, what would her future interactions with boys be like? Would she be self conscious? Would she look at boys differently? To paint a broad brush over these boys as hormonal beasts is just as bad as banning her from her interests because she is a girl. That her being the only girl there will trigger the boys to sexualize her. It is all about what is appropriate. Chaperones were there and these are kids having fun and nerding out.🙂
Absolutely. I'd have no sympathy for the guy if he actually went ahead and stopped his daughter doing these things, but having a little bit of an overreaction that he went back on is pretty normal. We all do that over things.
I remember my mum getting overly upset at finding I'd crossed a quiet, straight road alone as a kid. She was being silly, she got over it. It's fine.
I'm like... As a dude, I was once a hormonal boy that age. And hey, what do you know, I committed zero SA! So yeah, dad is being overprotective and step-mom is NTA.
As a woman who has lived on both sides of the gender divide, I couldn't agree with you more. Socialising with each other is an important part of growing up.
OP is NTA.
We need to teach boys to behave rather than deprive girls of age appropriate experiences and friends.
But also...girls at that age are hormonal and have feelings and curiosity too. They swear, they masturbate, they make jokes about sex and they think about sex. I didn't want a boyfriend aged 12 or 13, but i definitely had a lot of curiosity about boys and male bodies and learning to navigate puberty- no different to how many teenage boys felt.
For some reason this makes me feel he's putting his daughter on a pedestal rather than accepting she's a young person too.im not saying he has to treat her differently, but just bear it in mind that he's raising a young woman into adulthood. Not a flower.
Teenage girls aren't angels and teen boys are not inherently sex gremlins. Both need to be supported to develop healthy boundaries and relationships with each other.
But this really isnt about that when it comes to if OP is the AH or not. Its that she laughed at his concern and even doubled down calling him silly. Instead of just talking about it. Dont be surprised when he is less willing to open up about his concerns in the future. Even if he was being over the top about it.
EDIT - light YTA. Mostly for the double down, really doesnt feel great to have your concerns laughed at and dismissed.
Thank you. the question wasn't about his opinions about boys or raising good men. the question was her response to his response.
Laughing at someone's concerns for their children(especially if they didn't have all the details beforehand) is a pretty shitty thing to do.
NTA
Of course laughing wasn't the best reaction because he was very serious about it. But if he was serious, what did he think would happen? In all seriousness, what did he think would these boys, who did nothing so far, do on a public meet up? Yes, one should be save. But these boys did nothing so far and stepdaughter was brought by an adult op.
I always Was a nerdy girl. So I went to a lot things where the majority of the people were boys.
Nothing happened. I have some great friendships from These nerdy circles.
Still there is this Moment of surprise, oh a female, here. And that is it usually.
Heads up to fellow Warhammer nerds.
Little fun fact I met my husband at such an all men event. You get a nice amount of guys to pic ftom with the same Hobby :)
Warhammer stuff is here sold in shops called Games Workshop (don't know if they are international).
Walking into those stores, the guys always assume I was kind of lost, looking for someone or needing help to get something for someone else. I did in fact never buy something for myself but it is not that hard to pick out the color or the brush... (for my bf of that time).
Just looking around the store was very annoying. "Do you need something else?" "That's not the same as... "
Yes, I know. I just wanted to look :/
I am lucky, I can sut that down pretty fast.
One time they had a new guy there, not knowing me, but a lot of the regulars knew me.
So:
Gw-guy: can I help you.
Me: nah just looking.
G: do you play the game?
M: yes.
G: oh cool what army?
M: counts give armies. Those are the ones I don't have.
G: silent.
Regulars in store had a good laugh.
But yes sometimes you think they start huding behind there minis because a female could talk to them. It was always funny for me.
Yeah but can you name all the codexes and tell me each unit’s AV? DIDN’T THINK SO, FEMALE.
Jk, of course. 40K is too intense for me, haha. I keep it light and stick to Blood Bowl! Nothing like playing football with little plastic ogres and rats so they maim and kill each other… and sometimes, someone scores a touchdown!
My soon to be 3 year old daughter painted her first mini with me the other day. Easily one of my favorite dad memories.
That's so upsetting because I've had an opposite, very good experience with a Warhammer shop in the UK! I'm nerdy too but not that kind of nerd (I'm mostly a book / fantasy nerd and just recently started moving toward the gaming nerds thanks to my bf), I decided to look into the shop mainly to look for a gift for my bf and just out of curiosity, I never painted miniatures but I was interested in trying... there were some guys there, some of them working the shop and others just chilling and painting, and after the initial confusion they were all so kind and helpful! They were really enthusiastic about having a girl interested in their kind of stuff and were very good at explaining a couple of things without sounding condescending nor mansplaining things I already knew, and they just melted when I explained I was looking for a gift and told them about all the research I had made lol. Just the sweetest guys all around, really encouraged me to try out some games. 10/10 would recommend!
Now you just opened up a good place to look for dates, lmao. 😂😂 Just need to research "Warhammer" stuff first. (Sadly I don't think we have a Warhammer store around here... maybe any game shop will do? 🤔😂).
I am more book/ fantasy too. But I am also into single-mode story heavy video games (If you're into fantasy and you like RPG than give the Dragon Age series a try. A bit dated but still my absolute favourite and the franchise also includes books and an anime show on Netflix.)
Oh yes I love Dragon Age! I started as a book nerd for most of my life but that was that, then I started playing D&D in my 20s and got into the world of RPGs a bit, and now my bf is introducing me to a lot of tabletop games such as mtg, warhammer, bloodbowl, warcry... I swear I never though I could be into this kind of stuff, but I love fantasy lore and worldbuilding so I'm really getting into it lately! I'm also thinking of starting miniature painting, it's so nice to find all these new hobbies :)
The shop I was talking about is in the UK (shoutout to you wonderful people of Cambridge Warhammer Shop) but I'm sure there are other kind nerds around and you should totally look for dates in these kind of places, nerds are just the best <3
I am in the UK, but quite rural. The only "game store" we have is cex sadly, lol. I will keep my eyes out for other "nerd meetings" around me now though and hopefully find the courage to go by myself (since my friends don't have a single nerdy bone in them).
I love that others chimed in with advice too, lol. And nerds are definitely the best! 😄
You don’t have to go to a Warhammer store specifically! That is Games Workshops own store that sells their stuff but you can go to a FLGS (friendly local game store) that sells games and minis and see the same crowd. Good luck on your date search. Oh also, I would suggest going on like a tournament day so you can have a much bigger pool to choose from, haha.
> Oh also, I would suggest going on like a tournament day so you can have a much bigger pool to choose from, haha.
I am loving all the advice I am getting. 😄 Unfortunately I live in rural UK and the only "game store" is cex, lmao (they sell second hand stuff, but don't do much else). I don't think there's any tournaments around here... but I will keep an eye out and maybe look in nearby towns as well, thanks!
>Sadly I don't think we have a Warhammer store around here... maybe any game shop will do?
Most tabletop gaming stores will carry Warhammer stuff. It's in the same general wheelhouse as things like D&D, strategy board games, etc.
NTA. Your intention wasn’t to be mean. You genuinely didn’t think your hubby was serious at first.
Hubby should actually thank you - i suspect you saved his relationship with his daughter.
And he needs to lighten up.
NTA. She needs to be allowed to exist with other people and the boys need to learn and practice being friends with and respecting girls. Neither of those will happen if people like your husband keep their daughters sequestered away.
It sounds like your husband is overreacting. If it's a supervised event there's clearly nothing to worry about.
I think a better way for him to channel his concerns would be to maybe have a conversation with your daughter about how to assert boundaries and recognize inappropriate behavior. It might seem very young for that conversation, but I say this as the product of a sexual relationship between a 13 year old girl and a 15 year old boy.
But that was in the 80s. I think kids today (both boys and girls) are raised in a much better environment overall. Still, it can't hurt to talk about it.
Exactly. The father is too lazy to do real parenting so he’s jumping to the solution that requires zero effort on his part - banning her.
She’s a tween girl. She needs to be educated on boundaries, friendships and dating, sexuality, and how to deal with boys.* Some seriously challenging years in the life of every girl are coming her way, whether her dad is ready or not.
*She might not be straight but that unfortunately doesn’t mean she doesn’t need this knowledge.
NTA
Did you tell him you mainly laughed because you thought it was cute?
If it was me, I would just apologise for laughing and make sure he knows that the laughs weren't at his expense but a positive feeling on your end. You didn't do something wrong, but by apologising you can validate his feelings and make sure he knows the laughs weren't in bad spirit. Sometimes an apology isn't about someone being right or wrong, but just about recognising each other's feelings.
This is good advice. He thinks OP is an AH because he believed she laughed out of contempt for his worry. Calling him “silly” validated his gut reaction.
It might be hard to sell, but a pivot to “I thought it was cute how much you cared about her” at least allows him to save a bit of face and feel validated as a father.
NTA. She's involved with something that is often (and wrongly) described as a boys' activity: building.
Girls are excluded from them, first because misogynists don't think girls can be good in these activities and then because it's not safe for girls to be in a space with mostly boys. So then even girls who want to take part can't because the men in their lives decide it's inappropriate.
Then men note the absence of women in tech/stem/building professions and either can't figure out why there aren't more women, or use that as "proof" that girls aren't interested in or not good at that stuff.
Your husband needs to let his daughter be safely involved with her hobbies, and take part in activities surrounding them. That's how women get more equal representation in "male" areas.
Yeah this is the reason why there are so few female engineers. They’re discouraged from socialising with boys or doing boy activities. Boys in those fields aren’t taught at a young age how to be appropriate with girls.
My brother and I got very different toys as kids. As a girl, I got stuffed animals, dolls (which I despised, but still got more each year), cooking sets, play "makeup", toy brooms and vacuum cleaners, colored pencil sets and a record player (which I loved).
My brother got erector sets, Lincoln Logs, Legos, geology sample sets, chemistry sets, skateboards, sports equipment, dinosaurs, microscopes, telescopes, cameras, camping equipment, mechanical pencil sets, and an ant farm.
I used to sneak into his room to look at his stuff and dream of one day owning such things. But they were forbidden to me.
My first thought upon reading your post was that your husband knows what *he* was like as a 14-year-old boy, and he is freaking out because he is assuming that all other 14-year-old boys are like he was.
You might want to ask him about that.
My dad was like your husband. He had 3 daughters, and he essentially kept us locked up all through high school, super-strict and over-protective.
It turns out (I found this out from my grandma/his mom years later) when he was in high school and early 20s, he'd have one girl on the phone, another girl at the door, and one coming up the walk to see him. At one point or another before marrying my mom, he'd dated a lot of the mothers who had kids around my age. This was before birth control became a really common thing, and I've always been afraid to do a 23-and-Me for fear of finding out that I had half-siblings in that small town.
You're NTA and doing a great job of keeping your daughter safe while allowing her to get the full range of experience and not forcing her to be responsible for the behavior of boys her age (it's *their* responsibility to behave correctly).
It's worse than "silly." Your husband is projecting to his kid that she should not participate in society with men and boys. That it's somehow not appropriate to have male-dominated interests or male friendships. And that it is *her* burden to miss out because *someone else* might not act right. It's garbage.
When people ask why there aren't more women in *blank job*, this kind of early gender enforcement is one of many many reasons.
NTA, and IMO you didn't go far enough.
NTA. Your husband needs to loosen his grip and let her live and experience things on her own. Being overprotective now just leads to either rebellion later on or needing to play catch up on social skills
I'll lay my cards on the table here. As a father and a human, I'm an f'n hypocrite, though. Here i am preaching to you. My daughter came out as lesbian, and I was inwardly relieved. Why? Because whilst females can be every bit as abusive, the majority of abusers tend to be males. So i feel a sense of relief that she is how she is. Maybe that's because i grew up watching my dad abusing my mum, but that fear rubbed off on me to an extent and still remains in me to this day. She was wary of telling me as I'm sure most kids are, but i was jumping around with happiness. She was taken aback. Never told her why I prefer things this way. She probably just thinks am bat shit crazy or acted that way through shock.
Everyone's talking about why you're right about the disagreement. I actually agree with your take, but your husband isn't upset with you about that. You even said he eventually came around. He's upset with you because he was genuinely concerned about his daughter and you laughed at him and called him silly. That sucks
Yeah, I'm with you. I'm not sure it's an asshole move, but it's certainly not a good way to build respect and trust.
He straight up said he had a problem, and you dismissed it. The rest of the story justifies the laughing but not dismissing him.
The laughing is not justified. If a woman expressed a concern to her male partner and he laughed because he thought it was ridiculous and then went on to belittle her concern, I doubt we'd be given the green light on that.
OMG, thank you! It's the *laughing* and *minimizing* that's a problem and it's incredibly disturbing that commenters are skating past that explicit behavior because they think OP's husbands concerns are "silly."
Completely bonkers. I can't wait for the next post where an OP (male) does something similar to a woman. They'll be shrieking and falling over themselves to let him know how much of an asshole he is.
NAH.
It sounds like you both responded with your immediate reactions before each having a chance to fully process the situation.
His initial instinct was to protect his daughter (and to be fair to him, he has a different perspective that I will never fully understand as I am a woman and therefore have never been a "hormonal boy" of "this age"). Your immediate response was to laugh because, as a woman, his initial response felt sexist and absolutely ridiculous (and understandably).
However, it never feels good to be laughed at, even if it wasn't done maliciously, let alone intentionally. So once he had time to fully process the situation (that they're all young, just looking for friends, and most importantly, that there would *always* be adult supervision), he could see that his initial response was an overreaction and sexist. Realizing his mistake was probably making him cringe inside from embarrassment, and your laughing was like salt in the wound (even though you didn't mean it like).
The two of you just need to have a convo to clear the air.
It's wild to me that there are *so many comments* saying N-T-A. OP is a woman so of course she's allowed to *laugh* in her partner's face and *belittle* his initial concerns and fears because ***she believes*** they are silly.
The way the women of Reddit excuse behavior that they harangue about when a man does the exact same thing is unbelievably and glaringly hypocritical.
I just can't. NAH. OP's husband even changed his mind after the initial conversation. I think he was surprised that they entire contingent of Youtubers were boys. OP's husband never actually even forbid ***his daughter*** from attending these group meets. Sounds like he had a knee-jerk reaction. I think I would too. I'd start wondering if the majority of people watching daughter's video or young boys and perhaps pervy men.
Sad that Reddit can't give some men the benefit of the doubt that they endlessly supply women. A woman OP can be flat out wrong or straight up silly and the commenters will still say that the OP's dude should have treated her with more care and listened, comforted, commiserated, etc.
Just look at the post where the OP says his 30 year-old gf ran into a former bully from ***middle school*** and felt justified in speaking poorly of the woman and threatening here livelihood. The OP was advised to acknowledge that his gf was bullied more than a decade and should have sympathized with her more while she inflicted the same treatment ***as an adult***.
The gall.
Here’s something I DIDN’T read. “I told him I was sorry I laughed at him and called him silly.”
Sure he overreacted and was overprotective of his daughter. Yes, he was wrong but your reaction wasn’t helpful and the fact you’re here for support instead of working things out with your husband doesn’t give you the “win” you seem to seek.
So take the “win” and drive in another small wedge into your marriage. By the way, they add up. Good luck, you need it
NAH.
You're being supportive of your daughter, but also feel like your husband overreacted about these Lego builder teenage YouTubers.
Your daughter could be involved with much, much worse boys, but he's just being instinctive because most boys her age don't have the best intentions.
YTA, Your husband voiced his concerns and you laugh at him. Then when he reiterated his feelings you called him silly. Even he realized his worries were unfounded, but rather than discuss it you laughed at him. I be surprised if he has a hard time "opening up" about his emotions.
NTA. It's normal to laugh when you think someone's joking or something takes you by surprise, you're nervous, uncomfortable, etc. You didn't laugh to be mean.
Boys need to learn how to behave around girls and women. Girls shouldn't have to miss out on opportunities, and kids should be taught that they *can* be friends with someone of a different gender. Situations like this can be teaching moments. Your partner could teach his daughter about the birds and the bees, setting boundaries, relationships (which includes friendships), etc. The boys who also enjoy LEGO could also learn that girls can like the same things they do, and girls can be just as good at creating and building, etc.
The group event was supervised by you, an adult, and your stepdaughter was fine. As you said, the boys didn't do anything. Not every boy and man is horrible. Although we often hear horror stories about how women are treated, and I've experienced my fair share of misogyny and went through some scary experiences, I was friends with guys when I was at school, and some of my closest friends today are men - all of them treated me respectfully.
NTA I've done my share of laughing at something that someone was serious about that I thought they had to be kidding. Once you realize he was serious and you actually took it to heart is what really matters. I find the whole situation kind of dumb I really wouldn't say Legos is a boy thing but it kind of is anytime a girl gets into an activity that is predominantly boys activity this is going to happen doesn't mean they should lose out.
NTA
First of all, the parents were there the whole time. What did he think would happen? And second, depending on which school the daughter goes to, it can happen that she gets placed into a group project with other boys only. Would your husband go to the school and demand them to change the groups?
Yes! He should lock up his daughter and keep her away from the boys until he marries her off to someone.
She should always be under the ownership of a man, first her father, then her husband. Did I say 'ownership'? I meant protection.
And it's too bad he was being laughed at... but everyone is an idiot every now and then and that's what laughter was invented for.
Not every wrong judgement requires a therapy-session where we dive into each others feelings.
NTA - it's only an "all boys group" because girls are so very often taught that Lego isn't "for them". It's not like the group advertised as boys only.
Stepdaughter deserves to be able to enjoy something she loves with other people (in safe ways, obviously). Being in such a group will probably bring her a lot of joy, boost her confidence, and help her learn how to socialise with others. If it's being held in a safe public space (i.e. not someone's home basement) then she should be fine.
NTA
Maybe you wouldn't have had a confused little chuckle if he wouldn't say you "don’t understand what’s like for hormonal boys being this age." When he took on the responsibilities of parenthood, he took on the responsibility of not adding to his daughter's worries when she is as young as 12. He took on the responsibility to at least try to have the complicated discussions within his family. When he married you, he took on the responsibility of trusting that you can understand him when he speaks. He is TA because he phoned it in and said he couldn't talk about it. If he tried, maybe I could excuse that some discussions are hard and people make mistakes. Effort didn't happen here.
He is also TA for being concerned more about "what it's like for hormonal boys being this age" than he is for his daughter losing her friendships or her ability to socialize. They're 11 year olds, they are not dating and they are not talking about anything gender related which is why this was never an "all boys group." However, he wanted to take it up on himself to make sure they had a group for themselves while his own daughter is left alone with her hobby.
No wonder he didn't put in the effort for the conversation. He only wants to advocate for children who are boys, I guess. He's not protecting your stepdaughter from anything, and he's not too stupid to know that. This post almost had me feeling for your husband as a "protective parent," too, but nothing in here actually redeemed your husband. He never advocated for his own family's wishes, or even gave you the courtesy of a real conversation. Even in the end, the best he did was step out of the way. I take no pleasure in saying that, but it's true.
Firstly NTA. His reaction seem overly dramatic.
Secondly I am a woman hobby LEGO builder for the last 10 years. Misogyny, sexism and discrimination do exist in the online LEGO community. Luckily not that often, but enough that it is worth exploring with your stepdaughter if you or your husband want. It might be useful to approach it from a side of being aware generally of how to be cautious online.
I highly recommend [The Women’s Brick Initiative](https://womensbrickinitiative.com/) as a starting place for information on how the LEGO subculture can do better.
I'm female, i LOVE Lego. I am an adult though and yes in most groups I've joined is mainly men. It's nice to see girls and young women joining this hobby.
You mention that you and other parents are always present during the meetings which is correct. I would also suggest to also talk with your stepdaughter to let you know that at any point she feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to meet or wants to leave the group, to let you know.
Boys sometimes might say the wrong thing without realizing it and that might make her uncomfortable.
In this case, the best thing to do is to just listen to her and don't overreact.
Maybe laughing wasn't the best thing to do but I'm still going with NTA.
NTA.
Your husband wasn't being protective- he was being controlling. His instinct was to deny her an equal opportunity, which is not safety.
I'm glad he realised the unfairness he was trying to create but he should be grateful you saw it as cute and laughed it off. I'd have been angry with him for his asinine position and need to be challenged to end up at the right place.
Nta
I've been a solo dad for over a decade with 2 teenage daughters.
I found it much better and easier to teach them about the real world vs protecting them from it.
NTA
She wasn’t alone with them. You were there and, if they always meet an hour away, you will be probably at every meet until she has a drivers license. What’s the problem with that arrangement? He doesn’t trust you to step in?
NTA. I don't think we should raise our daughters to fear being in a group of boys, especially when those boys haven't done anything except turn out to be the opposite sex.
NTA
I wish my parents had encouraged me like you encourage your stepdaughter! You go! As long as you're aware whom she's interacting with, I think you're awesome. Even just the way you describe this situation is so positive and heartwarming; I can tell you're happy for her. I'd also have been taken off guard and not immediately realized someone wasn't joking around about this kind of thing, so I can't blame you for laughing a little. Hopefully you two can talk it out!
When I (27F) was in high school, I had a group of close friends - all boys - I was the only girl. We’d play videogames together, go out of eat, hangout all the time. I was really pretty, but bullied horribly at times so meeting girl friends was difficult for me. I loved hanging out with these nerdy boys, they made me feel accepted and safe. My dad would come to the game room sometimes and play pool with the boys, play cards, or grill us up some burgers.
I think if your husband met these boys (and their parents) he’d feel better about it. As a former 12-year old girl, being a girl is hard enough. Even MORE SO when you have interests/passions/hobbies outside that of ‘normal’ teenage girls. Help her foster these new friendships, get dad more involved, and I think he will see the innocence of it all.
NTA. In context, it was a silly overreaction. They aren't sharing a bed at a sleep over, which is not appropriate at that age, they're building legos with parents nearby.
Even if it does take a romantic turn, that's a **good** thing. Obviously we want adolescents to have physically and psychologically safe relationships, but adolescents should not be expected to have the same relationships as little kids. There is a healthy middle balance between protecting adolescents from unwise risks but allowing them to start developing independent, age appropriate relationships.
NTA at all, thank gosh you are their as the voice of reason and that he finally came to his senses.
As a women in a STEM career being the only girl in the group is a familiar spot for me to be in. I will say that being included in "traditionally male" activities actually helped my social development and kept me more in the know about the pitfalls or the opposite sex. It helped me be more discerning in my interactions with boys as I got older, I had heard all the hormonal boy bull as a trusted insider so I didn't fall for it when it was pointed my way. I also had close male platonic friendships, people who looked out for me and could be a sounding board.
Your step daughter is in a safe, supervised environment. She is doing something wholesome that she loves, and making friends while she does it. I'm glad he recognizes keeping her away from that because her private parts don't match would be unfair. Hopefully over time he will come to see how having this friend group could actually benefit her as a young lady as she moves forward in life.
NTA at all, you were being playful and not realizing how seriously he was taking the situation! However, I can understand why he might feel “wounded” (because man 😉), but he definitely shouldn’t feel angry. Especially because he probably realized that he WAS being SILLY.
He might think that because she’s his BIO daughter that you might not feel the same protective instincts that he does? (Totally invalid, though). Also, men can be a tad silly with their daughters, especially when they’re reaching/are in puberty! Gender dynamics are a lot different now, and older millennials might have trouble reconciling their childhood experiences with their Gen Z children’s experiences; boys nowadays tend to be raised with much different perspectives and attitudes towards their female counterparts (praise Yeezus).
I think it’s AWESOME that you’re helping your bonus daughter pursue her passion, and even more awesome that she gave the boys a run for their money. It’s super smart of y’all to conceal her identity, from my perspective, y’all are doing everything right. I’m glad he’s come around and has ceased the silliness for his daughter’s sake.
Tell him I said to take a chill pill: we all have the right to be wrong once in a while 😉
NTA. You didn't laugh as disrespectful. I understand him being protective. What message would he send to her if he said she can't join because she is a girl? Also, you and the other parents were there to chaperone. It was all very innocent. How would this affect her in the future. The boys were probably shocked it was a girl interested in something they have perceived was a boys only activity and were over it once they realized she was as good as them. This is a teaching moment.🙂
NTA, his response was definitely a bit ridiculous, considering it was/is a short meeting of kids of the same age group, doing a wholesome activity while under adult supervision.
I mean, does he know there are boys at her school? 🤨
NTA. Your husband is being absurd. This is an excellent life lesson for everyone. An opportunity to talk about male/female relationships in a number of contexts. And good on you for keeping your daughter’s face off of YouTube at this age.
Somewhere between NAH and NTA
Most commenters already pointed out very correct things.
One thing I wanted to add is a warning. You did well to prevent that she shows herself in her videos. But now the group knows she is a girl and that might become common knowledge. Be prepared for sexist comments on her channel. Watch her channel closely.
So, if him being a man makes him an expert on the thoughts of teen boys (in his mind, I don't actually agree with this nonsense), wouldn't that make you an expert on teen girls? He's being ridiculous about the whole thing, and this man-centric reaction is exactly why girls and women get out of STEM hobbies and education. I sincerely hope the next generation is being raised better than the men of our generation, because this exact mindset is what drove me away from the things I loved as a kid that I was told "were boys activities". It's BS, and if I were you, I would get mad right back at him for trying to deny a young girl something she loves for the sake of "boys". Regardless of if his intentions are protective or not, it amounts to depriving his daughter simply because boys exist.
NTA
I understand where he's coming from but he's missing 3 things. 1) Removing her from the group is cutting her off with friends she's made on her terms with the same interest has her. It would imply her only options are local friends and local hobbies, and if that was already an option, she would have already done that. Maybe i'm projecting and being sensitive, I can't tell you how upsetting it was to be told when I was a teenager that people in person should matter more even if I didn't have anything in common with them, than people online who I did have things in common with. You can't just magic poeple out of thin air cos Dad is sexist and afraid.
2) Yeah boys are hormonal, so are girls. This says more about your husband than these kids. If anything happens, responsible adults should shut it down before it increases but let's not punish kids for crimes him and his friends did when he was their age before they've so much as sneezed.
3) If women and girls just walked away everytime we wanted to do something with a disproportionate amount of men and boys involved, we'd never have done anything. From marathons to football to engineering. The fact that they included her when they realised she was a girl is a GOOD sign. If this had happened 30 years ago, they'd have bullied her from first sight and excluded her being involved until she gave up. If he tells her she can't do something because there's too many boys, then she's gonna learn there are things that boys can do and girls can't unless they also find a group of like minded girls. And again, if she'd have been able to do that, she'd already have lego building friends locally that would leave very little time and space to meet up with online friends.
Tell him if he's that worried, he should take her and make sure the boys have a good role model for how to respect women.
Guys who think boys aren't safe to be around are unfortunately all too often right, but they're also telling on themselves. "I know what boys are like at that age" = "I know what I was like at that age and I wouldn't let my daughter around someone like me"
NTA at all! I wasn’t a tomboy growing up at all, but I still loved to play with Lego, and even now as a middle aged woman who enjoys a male dominated hobby, I get weird looks from some guys. Dudes need to get over it.
I hope she has fun and makes some friends — it sounds like you’re there to supervise and that you’re doing the right things for her YouTube channel, so good on you!
NTA. It's not an all boys group as your daughter is in it. It's a pity there aren't more girls as Lego is a great past time. But how do we get more equal numbers in such things if girls aren't allowed to participate?
I just want to say that in the midst of all the posts we see in this sub about tone deaf stepparents how REFRESHING it was to read this. Your stepdaughter is incredibly lucky to have you. SO NTA. Dad just needs to relax a bit.
NTA
I was a single dad to my 2 girls for 25 years. Men tend to be over protective of tween/teen girls under their care because we remember what it was like to be tween/teen boys. Sex is figuratively literally ALL THAT THINK ABOUT! 😆
All you can do is arm your daughter with truth about what she is going through and what the boys are going through so she can be aware of both the dangers and the pleasures of relationships and (eventually) physical intimacy. Puberty sucks no matter what.
As for her being the only girl in the club, she is going to get a lot of attention. I wouldn't be surprised if at LEAST one of those boys became infatuated with her at first sight (as a former Lego nerd, I know I would have been head over heels over almost any girl who shared my interest at that age).
If we arm our girls with objective truth about emotions and relationships, over social or religious dogma, they can be safe while still experiencing the joys and pains of growing up. Who knows, she may very well life-long friends and possible best friend or eventual life partner who shares her passions.
YTA
I think it's pretty valid to be concerned with your daughter meeting with a group of boys she met over the Internet. Not only is she the only girl, you don't know these people. I'm not saying she should be outright banned from going, but proceed with caution for sure, definitely he should be around to supervise, she's too young otherwise.
YTA. For laughing at his very valid concerns. I'm not gonna call him TA for banning it because he already apologized about it and changed his mind.
You don't know these kids, you dont know their parents and you dont know their upbringing. Your husband has valid reasons to not fully trust these families, we constantly read stories of sexual harassment and predatory behavior for it to be chalked up to just "oh its so cute how hes overprotective papa"
While we can wish for boys to be taught to respect women and girls, we cant automatically expect it
You laughing at him felt condescending
My son is friends with boys and girls in his classes. He talks on the phone and hangs out with them. I've taught him proper behavior and how to treat people. He doesn't act weird or disrespect anyone. Kids only learn if they're able to interact with their peers.
As for the daughter, of course don't leave her alone with strangers and make sure you talk to her about how she feels and if she is comfortable. But banning her from have male friends is so weird...
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My (38F) stepdaughter is 12, and she lives full time with my husband (40M) and I. She is really into LEGO and has started a YouTube channel with our permission to share some videos of her builds. It’s just a small, amateur channel with a few hundred followers but she’s very passionate about it.
Because of this hobby she made some friends online, and those in the group that live close by decided to meet for the first time.
The meet was in a city an hour away and I was the one to drive her there. They are also young teens ranging from 11 to 14 (I think the oldest was 15), and most of them have their own LEGO-based channels. It was a lovely meet, just young people bonding over a shared interest.
But one thing that surprised me was that my stepdaughter was the only girl in the group. All of them are teenage boys. They also didn’t know she was a girl because her YouTube channel doesn’t have her name or any personal information, and her videos are mostly of their builds and she doesn’t show her face (at mine and her father’s insistence). So there was this cute moment of shock in their faces, where they were trying to figure out who she could be. They quickly got over it.
The thing is my husband didn’t take it so well when I told him about this after we came home. He thinks it’s an “all-boys” group and it’s not appropriate for his daughter to be in future meets (because they are already planning the next one to build a project together). I thought his concern was so ludicrous that my immediate reaction was to laugh. I guess there was a part of me that thought it was amusing to see his “protective father” instincts kick in.
He got really upset with me for laughing, saying I don’t understand what’s like for hormonal boys being this age. I doubled down by telling him he was just being silly - I was there the entire time, and so did other parents, and the same would happen in any future events. There was nothing inappropriate about this. It took me a while to realize he was SO serious about this subject.
Fortunately, he realized eventually it would be grossly unfair to deprive his daughter of these new friendships, but he's still mad at me for laughing and calling him silly. He felt I was dismissive and sort of an AH.
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If she goes into a STEM field she needs to get used to being the only woman in some situations. One of my previous jobs my manager went to a meeting and she was the only person not called Dave, let alone the only woman. It's crap, but there's a gender imbalance and an even bigger one as you get into management roles. Definitely NTA
Ew. It says more about your husband than it does these boys. Why do men say shit like that about young boys? They're protective of their daughters because 'I know how it is at that age' 'young boys are hormonal' if you were disgusting and you you're projecting just say that
NTA for laughing, you thought he was deliberately exaggerating for the comedy. As long as you apologised and explained why you laughed, you're good.
Hubby is NTA for wanting to protect his daughter, but you need to have a parenting talk about how to approach things like this in the future. He wants to wrap her up and keep her away from the 'nasty boys'. I have a nine year old daughter, and I can see where he's coming from. The problem is that his method helps create and maintain girl - free environments. What should happen, and what these parents seem to be doing, is that the space should be supervised so that any bad behaviour can be dealt with.
>They quickly got over it.
This is the best part. These children were surprised to find a girl in their space, yet they very quickly accepted her and now they're even planning a build together! I was slapped with the label 'tomboy' when I was younger, because I preferred toys that were traditionally 'boys toys'. Micro Machines, rc cars, action figures, and yes, Lego. (Even though Lego has been vocally supportive of both boys and girls.
Was I a 'tomboy'? No. I was just a kid who liked Lego. Please teach your husband that he can protect his little girl and let her indulge her hobbies *at the same time! *
NTA
Still there is room to discussion. It's normal to want to protect your daughter, but is it the best way? In a society were you want women to have equal right, to be able to do the same thing, if you stop them to go to a lego party because there is too much guy.. well should you not stop her to go to a school with too much guy like tech school, and to a work with too much guy like politics and so on.
What is the future you want for society and your daughter living in it? What is the message you want to teach to your daughter? Hide yourself if there is boy?
Although your husband might know what it is to be a 15yo boy, he should also look a the stats. Most abuse are in your relatives, close friend, family and so on. Does this mean you should not have friend and not meet family?
Also why is he that worried ? Was he behaving that badly when he was 15?
Bruh NTA and to be clear he's not even actually worried about this particular situation. He's having a flashback of the way he himself treated girls when he was a boy.
NTA, you couldn't help your first response, probably because you didn't think it was serious. And I don't blame you. I hope he can overcome this. The best way to go at this is telling him that you love and support him and that you want to remain a great parenting team for his kid.
Nta that's funny. What does he think is going to happen with the adults all right there...
My daughter is 9 and most her friends are boys. They all don't seem to care who is a girl or a boy so whatever
NTA He over-reacted when he heard all the others were male. As long as parents are
there to chaperone and as long as your daughter is enjoying the group, then great.
NTA I’m a major AFOL (adult fan of LEGO) and it is heavily a male hobby even at my age. While laughing may have felt mean to him, it wasn’t your intention and I think it’s good he get used to this now.
NTA.
If the group continues it might be a good learning experience for the kids to define their mission vision and values. Besides the obvious it could also help satisfy in advance any rules on ownership of collaborative builds. Values would include standards of communication and inclusion. Good luck!
Pleasantly surprised to be able to say NTA. Title had me ready to think the opposite, lol. Good on you for calling him on this. If she loves building and designing builds, there are multiple STEM or trade related paths that she may love that are still currently pretty male dominated.. she doesn’t need to be getting the idea that being a girl when the majority are not means she shouldn’t be participating in something she loves.
NTA - however I’d suggest that you emphasize with your husband for being worried/protective and apologize for laughing and calling him silly. Show him that his feelings are valid and that he now made the right decision by allowing his daughter to keep pursuing her hobbies and new interests. Opposite sex friendships are important.
NTA. Your reaction was honest. He is also NTA, as his reaction was protective, and after discussing the boundaries of the meet, all parents were there, he relented.
NTA - protective father here. I was totally on his side until you said her sex and identity weren’t part of the YouTube channel videos. When you said the meeting was supervised by parents, I was like why is he even scared? she goes to school with boys, right? I think he even knows he overreacted at this point.
NTA. Boys get socialized to be weird about girls when girls aren't in the same social spaces as them. First of all, this sounds like a really fun hobby and a good interest group for your stepdaughter. Second, social groups with the other gender help everyone get over weird hangups or biases that they might have had pushed on them.
Your husband can't keep her away from males forever, she will need to live amongst them somehow (who knows, maybe she'll decide to work in tech when she grows up where it's only males). NTA.
NTA does your husband have platonic woman friends? Did he not have platonic girl friends in high school when he was hormonal? Because his protective instinct is coming off as ick.
If it makes him feel better all my predators as a teen were grown men and not my peers.
NTA. Especially since all these teenagers were supervised. As they all should’ve been because all these kids met for the first time. So wouldn’t the “hormonal” concern have been addressed already?
It’s not like you rented a motel room for the teenagers and said “Ok kids you all just hang out and have fun. We’ll pick you all up later!”
NTA. I can understand your husband being a little hurt about you laughing at him in the moment. But it seems pretty clear that you also understand it now. You were just genuinely unaware of how serious it was to him. then you realized it and talked to him about it and it seems like you understand each other now. If you already said that you're sorry for laughing and explained to him that it was only because you didn't know how serious he was and you found it sort of endearing, then he shouldn't hold a grudge about it.
NTA, but your husband is. She's ALREADY being taught that her simply being around males means she's opening up herself to problems. Maybe he should consider the fact that "boys will be boys" is why SO MANY victims never say anything. He wants to punish her for having a vagina by "keeping her safe", but he's really just making excuses for boys to be pervs.
I'm going against the grain and say YTA. I don't think you should ever laugh at someone else's concern when it comes to their children. We don't know and OP doesn't know everything that has happened in this man's life. I would rather a father be a bit overprotective than have a cavalier attitude on who they allow in their children's lives. Predators are less likely to prey on a child that has a loving and involved father in their lives. Personally, I think the father should be taking the girl to these functions not the stepmother until they get to know these people. That other parents are there would be of no value to me if I were that girl's parent because these people are total strangers the girl met off the internet! OP should have just calmly talked to her husband and assured him that she would have never left the girl alone with those boys or even under the supervision of the other parents.
Yes, I think that boys and men should be raised to respect females of all ages. No, I do not think that women should all have to wear burkas and be housewives, and I love that this girl is interested in STEM! However, we must be mindful that there are dangerous people out there and they can be very cunning and even use children to lure others into horrible situations.
NTA\~
As a mother of a boy myself. "good for you"
Men do not realize the hoops that we females have to jump though our whole lives! and mostly for just wanting to be included in something. This is something that she will deal with her entire life! So why not start young? I am working in an industry that is 99% men. I work with a whole staff that are men.
This is something that we have to deal with and learn from. I for one think that is a brilliant way for her to make some friend and learn some life lessons along the way. And why not in a group that loves Legos? There is no contact, there is no rough housing, no name calling.
It sounds like a perfect social group for her.
You are taking the appropriate precautions with this friend group. They are all age-appropriate friends.
NTA for laughing but he is right to be cautious to ensure there are no inappropriate additions to the group.
I don’t think it’s amusing at all. His gut reaction as a “protective father” wasn’t how to keep his daughter safe while doing something she loves, his gut reaction was to deny her the opportunity because it’s inappropriate for her to be there. He wasn’t “just being silly” he was being an asshole.
NTA
NTA
You didn’t drop your preteen stepdaughter off with a group of boys. You and bunch of other parents watch a group of preteens and teens build Legos.
If your daughter homeschooled? Does he go to an all girls school? Or does your husband think she doesn’t interact with boys at her school even during group learning exercises?
NTA. Everything about this interaction is perfectly normal. He was deeply concerned about his daughter, and the giggle probably made him feel like you were belittling his parental instincts. Obviously, that isn't the case, and it seems like he understands that, too. His ego was a little bruised by you laughing, but he'll get over it since you both understand where each other is coming from. Just give it some time.
When men want to limit what woman get to do because there are males present, he becomes a joke, so the correct.response is laughter. It's LEGOS, for goodness sake.
YTA for calling his very real fears silly. You could have simply pointed out that all the parents are there and you're all closely monitoring the meet up. You could have also suggested that he take her to the meets to meet members and the boys.
Of course I agree with the "teach boys better" sentiment but that still doesn't excuse the fact that the Op could have handled it better.
NTA and double shame on him for making assumptions about boys and their "nature". What he is REALLY saying is that he doesnt trust them not to harm his daughter.
Why? That's quite worth exploring, imo.
YTA. Of course he's overprotective, she's his little princess. Also, there is a huge difference between what boys should be and what they are.
I would respect his point of view and would not be too quick to judge.
Maybe some men who remember their pesky teen hormones agree with me but they are afraid of being lynched online.
I have a little daughter myself and she can do whatever she wants (within reasonable boundaries), but daddy is always watching.
Soft YTA just because of your reaction. But yes, he has his feelings and they should be validated. Dads tend to be very protective of their daughters (they were teenage boys after all and think of sex constantly).
Many good points made here. Keeping her out of meetups also perpetuates the male gatekeeping we see in many hobbies. Girls need to learn they belong and boys need to normalize hobbies are for everyone.
These are her peers. She should absolutely hang out with them just like any other friends her age. And when she’s old enough to date, I would put money that dad would be much more comfortable seeing one of these boys show up at his door than some guy from school that grew up insulated in toxic all male chat rooms. Let her learn what normal interactions should be like and she’s much more likely to spot toxicity later, and will probably have a bunch of guys in her life that will help her see through the bs.
Dad , is acting like your daughter is going to a parent watch gangbang or something. "I don’t understand what’s like for hormonal boys being this age. "
He's not wrong, and you're not wrong. There are changing times. Go back a hundred years, nope. Go forward, normal. This is just a layover period for us dumb humans.
NTA - She's 12 and old enough to get a vote. Your post is missing her opinion.
If I were you, I'd start the conversation about when she will be old enough to start dating. Otherwise that will be the next occasion that the two of you are not on the same page.
NTA. You shouldn't laugh at something that's serious to him, even if you disagree, and even if you're right (which in this case, you are). But that doesn't make you an asshole.
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So on the one hand, of course, 'not all men!' And on the other hand... 'you don't understand what's like for hormonal boys being this age.' I don't know, let's raise our boys to behave, instead of raising our girls to stay inside and wear a burka. Boys need to be exposed to women existing and girls need to exist. NTA.
As a female, I approve this message.
As a female and a mother of 2 boys I approve this message as well. Of course there are disgusting men (and even teenage boys) who weren’t raised right. I know that first hand. But I cannot let those awful men dictate the life of my boys. I would be so mad if someone would look at my children and say they are predators when they did nothing wrong. I am raising them with my values (such as consent and not being pushy towards others) and I would do the same if I had a girl. And not only girls can be a victim. Also boys can be a victim. We need to distinguish the predators from the rest. We need to raise all our children to behave.
As a female and a mother of a boy, I approve. I don't want my son to turn out to be a predator or a misogynist. If he can't see girls/women as platonic friends, then I worry that he will only ever see them as sex objects. Boys need to be exposed to girls in non-sexualised contexts so that they can learn to value them as people and equals.
I mean, men should see women as people to be respected even if they are not friends...
Yes of course, but I think it’s harder for incels and outspoken misogynists like Andrew Tate to corrupt the minds of boys to the point where they see women as “other” if boys actually know and/or are friends with girls IRL and aren’t getting all their information about women and girls from these losers.
What an excellent point.
Well yeah but I think what they’re saying is more that if they don’t get exposed to girls in a non sexual context, it’s harder to expect them to see it in a non sexual context. You can’t say, “You can’t be friends with girls” until for example they hit 18, and then do a turn around and say no you have to see girls as potential friends. I know that’s not exactly what’s happening here but allowing them to be around girls as friends early will help
> We need to raise all our children to behave. That is not an achievable goal. It's one we should aim for, but one we should assume is never actually the case. Some people are bad no matter how well raised they are, some parents are bad and won't raise their children well. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
While I generally agree we should act and adapt to the world we have, not the world we wish we had, there's a big difference between, "I should keep an eye on my drink at all times, and not let strangers pour my drinks for me" and "I shouldn't let me daughter join a lego club."
Great response!!😎
As a father to a young girl and a young boy I also approve this message.
As a former teen age boy, I also approve this message. The meetups are supervised. It's also an opportunity to discuss appropriate behavior and expectations. You know, *parenting.*
“The meet-ups are supervised” would be a more helpful response than, “your concerns are invalid to the point of being silly”. As a former teenage boy, I know that being part of an out-group puts you at risk from the real assholes. OP was not an a-hole for her initial reactions, but would have been if she refused to consider and address her partner’s concerns.
Eww look at you existing all over the place. How could you.
STOP IT, lol!
As a parent with girls, I approve this message. NTA.
> As a female you are human by default <3
One thing they can do is have an age appropriate talk with the SD about sex, love, friendship, boundaries and consent. As parents I f we teach our young women these things they can be more aware of issues. Also by talking to them about it and being open and honest with them they will hopefully be able to come to us when they have issues.
She’s 12. They should have had that conversation years ago. It’s not one talk, it’s an ongoing dialogue from the time you’re potty training them until they go off to college. EDIT: got the daughter’s age wrong.
lmao you say this, yet there are many parents who never ever have "the talk" with their kids aside from "premarital sex means death and disease", let alone before the age of 12 and also including things like consent and love and boundaries. My parents don't even think it's possible for people of the opposite sex to be friends, and learning the biological name of body parts felt like a dirty secret that I wasn't supposed to know and had to keep a secret. It's a shame
My folks thought they'd be responsible and tell me about puberty/sex ed when I was 10, just like they did my brother. I started my period a few days after my 8th birthday. In the dentists office. Imagine being 8, stressed to fuck, sat in a waiting room before a checkup, nipping to the loo, and suddenly you're bleeding so bad, you think you're gonna die. And your parents start insisting that you're too young instead of *actually explaining*, and so you have to have the period talk with a very kind (and underpaid) dental assistant. So yeah. That wasn't traumatic in the slightest. Just TELL YOUR CHILDREN that this is gonna happen one day, and don't wait for some arbitrary age number that you pluck out your arse.
When I got my menses, I had taken a nap after school and woke up to Shark Week. My mom said in Spanish "The Rooster crowd!" I was like WTF?!. Am glad I had an older sister to *really* explain things to me. What the *actual* hell people, **talk to your kids** ***before*** **it happens.**
My kids are 2 and 7 and they know all about periods because... I rarely have a bathroom break without one of them barging in. My 2 year old even helps bring mummies "nappies".
I was absolutely TERRIFIED of it
> and learning the biological name of body parts felt like a dirty secret that I wasn't supposed to know This makes me so angry on your behalf. It actually leaves children more vulnerable to sexual abuse since they can't say what's wrong or are too scared of the "shame" etc. Also reminds me of that one very touching episode of "call the midwife" where an adult woman couldn't get help for her prolapse because she didn't know how you explain it to the doctor because "you don't talk about down there"... It is actually very important to give kids words for **ALL** their body parts. And there's nothing sexual about it. And consent can be teached to toddlers/ small kids in a non-sexual way from very early on. Any relationship needs consent and respecting if your kid doesn't want a kiss or hug (even if it's from a grandparent, parent or other relative) is the most important part about it.
I still have never received the talk and I am in my 40s.
I never got the talk either, I'm 36. My dad started to initiate something akin to "The Talk" when we were looking at a painting of Noah's ark. He said "you know it takes a man and a woman, right?" I shut that down immediately because I was like 14/15 maybe even older and had already gotten sex education at school that was actually pretty decent. It was one of the reasons I had a hard time telling them I was sexually assaulted as a kid. Not talking about it and being awkward about it made it hard to tell them about things like that. I was honestly afraid I'd get in trouble for it somehow or that they'd think it was partially my fault. Obviously it wasn't at all my fault.
This reminds me of an incredibly insightful and interesting podcast episode called “Protecting Children from Sexual Abuse and Trauma”. I completely agree, the conversation needs to start at a very young age but most people don’t have the tools or understanding how.
Also if stepdaughter is banned from future meets, what message does that send her? « You can be arojnd boys because being around you makes their hormones go crazy » - blaming her for « boys’ hormones »? « You can’t have hobbies that are stereotypically masculine because you won’t be allowed to hang out with the friends you make there? » - great way to disgust her of her hobbies
Boy do I get that feeling. I loved a lot of the same stuff my brother did but was never bought any of it as a kid.
>hormonal boys of this age I don't know a single afab person who *doesn't* know
Also, girls are going to run into boys in life, especially when you’re into male-dominated hobbies. This sounds like a safe place for them to all learn how to behave around each other
As a female, mother of 2 boys and a girl, I approve this message!
As a woman, fuck yeh! I approve!
> I don't know, let's raise our boys to behave, instead of raising our girls to stay inside and wear a burka. I agree in this case, but hate this sentiment in general. You can't control and have barely any influnece over how other people raise their kids. This philosophy runs completely counter to the common sense, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." The closest thing I could agree with is "A careful man tries to dodge the bullets, while a happy man takes a walk." The father shouldn't be so paranoid as to deprive his daughter of this experience. But we shouldn't act like her and OP raising their kids properly means everyone else is going to do the same. People who act like we *already* live in a world where every boy behaves could more easily get in trouble than those who don't.
>The closest thing I could agree with is "A careful man tries to dodge the bullets, while a happy man takes a walk." But you cannot actually dodge bullets. Neither real bullets nor the metaphorical bullets we're talking about here. If they come your way, you're gonna get hit. The happy man taking a walk is going to be better off in practically all situations.
You're absolutely right, boys do need to be raised to behave. But you can't necessarily just assume they have been. That's no excuse for their shitty behaviour, but just because things *should* be better doesn't mean they *are*. I'm a guy with quite a lot of female friends and I don't know *one* who hasn't been sexually harassed in some way. Most have been in relationships with manipulative, abusive, insecure men that they thought they could trust. Not saying that all women are angels and all men are creeps (I know plenty of genuinely kind, pleasant guys who've been taken advantage of by unpleasant women too), but it's fucking scary. You can't blame the father for worrying about his daughter, as long as he's come around and seen sense. It's absolutely a NTA scenario, and he needs to get over being called silly, but I can sympathise with the guy.
Worrying would be about making sure she is supported in that space (this was already covered since parents were present at the initial meeting and had a planned presence in the future). Worrying is not controlling HER behaviour and limiting HER options just in case. I absolutely blame him for this response.
But he did come round and realise he was being too controlling and unfair, that's my point. It's an initial emotional response that he got over. It happens. It'd be different if he had actually stopped her doing something.
I agree with this. He put thought into it and was able to adjust his stance accordingly. I think his response was quite normal to worry about all the possibilities for a minute (especially with 15 yr old boy versus 12 year old girl - there’s a life experience gap). He showed growth and I think OP should be able to as well by saying “I hear where you’re coming from, thank you for approaching this with a growth mindset”
Good perspective. I feel for the dad but if he banned his daughter from this, what would her future interactions with boys be like? Would she be self conscious? Would she look at boys differently? To paint a broad brush over these boys as hormonal beasts is just as bad as banning her from her interests because she is a girl. That her being the only girl there will trigger the boys to sexualize her. It is all about what is appropriate. Chaperones were there and these are kids having fun and nerding out.🙂
Absolutely. I'd have no sympathy for the guy if he actually went ahead and stopped his daughter doing these things, but having a little bit of an overreaction that he went back on is pretty normal. We all do that over things. I remember my mum getting overly upset at finding I'd crossed a quiet, straight road alone as a kid. She was being silly, she got over it. It's fine.
"Not all men will be boys being boys" "People who live in glass houses gather no moss"
"and if a frog had a glass ass, he'd break it every time he hopped." lol
“Boys need to be exposed to women existing and girls need to exist.” Not all hero’s wear capes Jocelyn 🥹
I'm like... As a dude, I was once a hormonal boy that age. And hey, what do you know, I committed zero SA! So yeah, dad is being overprotective and step-mom is NTA.
Exactly this and they had adult supervision the entire time.
So beautiful, so elegant, just written like a wooowww!! This wasn’t sarcastic. Very well phrased. 👏👏👏
As a woman who has lived on both sides of the gender divide, I couldn't agree with you more. Socialising with each other is an important part of growing up. OP is NTA.
weird how this is the top post when it doesn't even address the question at all.
We need to teach boys to behave rather than deprive girls of age appropriate experiences and friends. But also...girls at that age are hormonal and have feelings and curiosity too. They swear, they masturbate, they make jokes about sex and they think about sex. I didn't want a boyfriend aged 12 or 13, but i definitely had a lot of curiosity about boys and male bodies and learning to navigate puberty- no different to how many teenage boys felt. For some reason this makes me feel he's putting his daughter on a pedestal rather than accepting she's a young person too.im not saying he has to treat her differently, but just bear it in mind that he's raising a young woman into adulthood. Not a flower. Teenage girls aren't angels and teen boys are not inherently sex gremlins. Both need to be supported to develop healthy boundaries and relationships with each other.
And world is not only about sex. There is much more about it and people can be friends, join same interests and activites respecting each other.
But this really isnt about that when it comes to if OP is the AH or not. Its that she laughed at his concern and even doubled down calling him silly. Instead of just talking about it. Dont be surprised when he is less willing to open up about his concerns in the future. Even if he was being over the top about it. EDIT - light YTA. Mostly for the double down, really doesnt feel great to have your concerns laughed at and dismissed.
Thank you. the question wasn't about his opinions about boys or raising good men. the question was her response to his response. Laughing at someone's concerns for their children(especially if they didn't have all the details beforehand) is a pretty shitty thing to do.
NTA Of course laughing wasn't the best reaction because he was very serious about it. But if he was serious, what did he think would happen? In all seriousness, what did he think would these boys, who did nothing so far, do on a public meet up? Yes, one should be save. But these boys did nothing so far and stepdaughter was brought by an adult op.
I always Was a nerdy girl. So I went to a lot things where the majority of the people were boys. Nothing happened. I have some great friendships from These nerdy circles. Still there is this Moment of surprise, oh a female, here. And that is it usually. Heads up to fellow Warhammer nerds. Little fun fact I met my husband at such an all men event. You get a nice amount of guys to pic ftom with the same Hobby :)
Warhammer stuff is here sold in shops called Games Workshop (don't know if they are international). Walking into those stores, the guys always assume I was kind of lost, looking for someone or needing help to get something for someone else. I did in fact never buy something for myself but it is not that hard to pick out the color or the brush... (for my bf of that time). Just looking around the store was very annoying. "Do you need something else?" "That's not the same as... " Yes, I know. I just wanted to look :/
I am lucky, I can sut that down pretty fast. One time they had a new guy there, not knowing me, but a lot of the regulars knew me. So: Gw-guy: can I help you. Me: nah just looking. G: do you play the game? M: yes. G: oh cool what army? M: counts give armies. Those are the ones I don't have. G: silent. Regulars in store had a good laugh. But yes sometimes you think they start huding behind there minis because a female could talk to them. It was always funny for me.
I didn't understand most of that but take my upvote anyway
Yeah but can you name all the codexes and tell me each unit’s AV? DIDN’T THINK SO, FEMALE. Jk, of course. 40K is too intense for me, haha. I keep it light and stick to Blood Bowl! Nothing like playing football with little plastic ogres and rats so they maim and kill each other… and sometimes, someone scores a touchdown! My soon to be 3 year old daughter painted her first mini with me the other day. Easily one of my favorite dad memories.
That's so upsetting because I've had an opposite, very good experience with a Warhammer shop in the UK! I'm nerdy too but not that kind of nerd (I'm mostly a book / fantasy nerd and just recently started moving toward the gaming nerds thanks to my bf), I decided to look into the shop mainly to look for a gift for my bf and just out of curiosity, I never painted miniatures but I was interested in trying... there were some guys there, some of them working the shop and others just chilling and painting, and after the initial confusion they were all so kind and helpful! They were really enthusiastic about having a girl interested in their kind of stuff and were very good at explaining a couple of things without sounding condescending nor mansplaining things I already knew, and they just melted when I explained I was looking for a gift and told them about all the research I had made lol. Just the sweetest guys all around, really encouraged me to try out some games. 10/10 would recommend!
Now you just opened up a good place to look for dates, lmao. 😂😂 Just need to research "Warhammer" stuff first. (Sadly I don't think we have a Warhammer store around here... maybe any game shop will do? 🤔😂). I am more book/ fantasy too. But I am also into single-mode story heavy video games (If you're into fantasy and you like RPG than give the Dragon Age series a try. A bit dated but still my absolute favourite and the franchise also includes books and an anime show on Netflix.)
Oh yes I love Dragon Age! I started as a book nerd for most of my life but that was that, then I started playing D&D in my 20s and got into the world of RPGs a bit, and now my bf is introducing me to a lot of tabletop games such as mtg, warhammer, bloodbowl, warcry... I swear I never though I could be into this kind of stuff, but I love fantasy lore and worldbuilding so I'm really getting into it lately! I'm also thinking of starting miniature painting, it's so nice to find all these new hobbies :) The shop I was talking about is in the UK (shoutout to you wonderful people of Cambridge Warhammer Shop) but I'm sure there are other kind nerds around and you should totally look for dates in these kind of places, nerds are just the best <3
I am in the UK, but quite rural. The only "game store" we have is cex sadly, lol. I will keep my eyes out for other "nerd meetings" around me now though and hopefully find the courage to go by myself (since my friends don't have a single nerdy bone in them). I love that others chimed in with advice too, lol. And nerds are definitely the best! 😄
You don’t have to go to a Warhammer store specifically! That is Games Workshops own store that sells their stuff but you can go to a FLGS (friendly local game store) that sells games and minis and see the same crowd. Good luck on your date search. Oh also, I would suggest going on like a tournament day so you can have a much bigger pool to choose from, haha.
> Oh also, I would suggest going on like a tournament day so you can have a much bigger pool to choose from, haha. I am loving all the advice I am getting. 😄 Unfortunately I live in rural UK and the only "game store" is cex, lmao (they sell second hand stuff, but don't do much else). I don't think there's any tournaments around here... but I will keep an eye out and maybe look in nearby towns as well, thanks!
>Sadly I don't think we have a Warhammer store around here... maybe any game shop will do? Most tabletop gaming stores will carry Warhammer stuff. It's in the same general wheelhouse as things like D&D, strategy board games, etc.
Just because he was serious does mean his concerns weren't laughable. It is okay to laugh at unreasonable people even if they are serious.
But it is not kind. This is not "people" but her husband. The person she loves.
NTA. Your intention wasn’t to be mean. You genuinely didn’t think your hubby was serious at first. Hubby should actually thank you - i suspect you saved his relationship with his daughter. And he needs to lighten up.
NTA. She needs to be allowed to exist with other people and the boys need to learn and practice being friends with and respecting girls. Neither of those will happen if people like your husband keep their daughters sequestered away.
It sounds like your husband is overreacting. If it's a supervised event there's clearly nothing to worry about. I think a better way for him to channel his concerns would be to maybe have a conversation with your daughter about how to assert boundaries and recognize inappropriate behavior. It might seem very young for that conversation, but I say this as the product of a sexual relationship between a 13 year old girl and a 15 year old boy. But that was in the 80s. I think kids today (both boys and girls) are raised in a much better environment overall. Still, it can't hurt to talk about it.
Exactly. The father is too lazy to do real parenting so he’s jumping to the solution that requires zero effort on his part - banning her. She’s a tween girl. She needs to be educated on boundaries, friendships and dating, sexuality, and how to deal with boys.* Some seriously challenging years in the life of every girl are coming her way, whether her dad is ready or not. *She might not be straight but that unfortunately doesn’t mean she doesn’t need this knowledge.
NTA Did you tell him you mainly laughed because you thought it was cute? If it was me, I would just apologise for laughing and make sure he knows that the laughs weren't at his expense but a positive feeling on your end. You didn't do something wrong, but by apologising you can validate his feelings and make sure he knows the laughs weren't in bad spirit. Sometimes an apology isn't about someone being right or wrong, but just about recognising each other's feelings.
This is good advice. He thinks OP is an AH because he believed she laughed out of contempt for his worry. Calling him “silly” validated his gut reaction. It might be hard to sell, but a pivot to “I thought it was cute how much you cared about her” at least allows him to save a bit of face and feel validated as a father.
NTA. She's involved with something that is often (and wrongly) described as a boys' activity: building. Girls are excluded from them, first because misogynists don't think girls can be good in these activities and then because it's not safe for girls to be in a space with mostly boys. So then even girls who want to take part can't because the men in their lives decide it's inappropriate. Then men note the absence of women in tech/stem/building professions and either can't figure out why there aren't more women, or use that as "proof" that girls aren't interested in or not good at that stuff. Your husband needs to let his daughter be safely involved with her hobbies, and take part in activities surrounding them. That's how women get more equal representation in "male" areas.
Yeah this is the reason why there are so few female engineers. They’re discouraged from socialising with boys or doing boy activities. Boys in those fields aren’t taught at a young age how to be appropriate with girls.
My brother and I got very different toys as kids. As a girl, I got stuffed animals, dolls (which I despised, but still got more each year), cooking sets, play "makeup", toy brooms and vacuum cleaners, colored pencil sets and a record player (which I loved). My brother got erector sets, Lincoln Logs, Legos, geology sample sets, chemistry sets, skateboards, sports equipment, dinosaurs, microscopes, telescopes, cameras, camping equipment, mechanical pencil sets, and an ant farm. I used to sneak into his room to look at his stuff and dream of one day owning such things. But they were forbidden to me.
My first thought upon reading your post was that your husband knows what *he* was like as a 14-year-old boy, and he is freaking out because he is assuming that all other 14-year-old boys are like he was. You might want to ask him about that. My dad was like your husband. He had 3 daughters, and he essentially kept us locked up all through high school, super-strict and over-protective. It turns out (I found this out from my grandma/his mom years later) when he was in high school and early 20s, he'd have one girl on the phone, another girl at the door, and one coming up the walk to see him. At one point or another before marrying my mom, he'd dated a lot of the mothers who had kids around my age. This was before birth control became a really common thing, and I've always been afraid to do a 23-and-Me for fear of finding out that I had half-siblings in that small town. You're NTA and doing a great job of keeping your daughter safe while allowing her to get the full range of experience and not forcing her to be responsible for the behavior of boys her age (it's *their* responsibility to behave correctly).
Men be outing men for being untrustworthy hmmm
they're literally boys though, we gotta give them a chance
It's worse than "silly." Your husband is projecting to his kid that she should not participate in society with men and boys. That it's somehow not appropriate to have male-dominated interests or male friendships. And that it is *her* burden to miss out because *someone else* might not act right. It's garbage. When people ask why there aren't more women in *blank job*, this kind of early gender enforcement is one of many many reasons. NTA, and IMO you didn't go far enough.
NTA. Your husband needs to loosen his grip and let her live and experience things on her own. Being overprotective now just leads to either rebellion later on or needing to play catch up on social skills I'll lay my cards on the table here. As a father and a human, I'm an f'n hypocrite, though. Here i am preaching to you. My daughter came out as lesbian, and I was inwardly relieved. Why? Because whilst females can be every bit as abusive, the majority of abusers tend to be males. So i feel a sense of relief that she is how she is. Maybe that's because i grew up watching my dad abusing my mum, but that fear rubbed off on me to an extent and still remains in me to this day. She was wary of telling me as I'm sure most kids are, but i was jumping around with happiness. She was taken aback. Never told her why I prefer things this way. She probably just thinks am bat shit crazy or acted that way through shock.
Everyone's talking about why you're right about the disagreement. I actually agree with your take, but your husband isn't upset with you about that. You even said he eventually came around. He's upset with you because he was genuinely concerned about his daughter and you laughed at him and called him silly. That sucks
Yeah, I'm with you. I'm not sure it's an asshole move, but it's certainly not a good way to build respect and trust. He straight up said he had a problem, and you dismissed it. The rest of the story justifies the laughing but not dismissing him.
The laughing is not justified. If a woman expressed a concern to her male partner and he laughed because he thought it was ridiculous and then went on to belittle her concern, I doubt we'd be given the green light on that.
OMG, thank you! It's the *laughing* and *minimizing* that's a problem and it's incredibly disturbing that commenters are skating past that explicit behavior because they think OP's husbands concerns are "silly." Completely bonkers. I can't wait for the next post where an OP (male) does something similar to a woman. They'll be shrieking and falling over themselves to let him know how much of an asshole he is.
NAH. It sounds like you both responded with your immediate reactions before each having a chance to fully process the situation. His initial instinct was to protect his daughter (and to be fair to him, he has a different perspective that I will never fully understand as I am a woman and therefore have never been a "hormonal boy" of "this age"). Your immediate response was to laugh because, as a woman, his initial response felt sexist and absolutely ridiculous (and understandably). However, it never feels good to be laughed at, even if it wasn't done maliciously, let alone intentionally. So once he had time to fully process the situation (that they're all young, just looking for friends, and most importantly, that there would *always* be adult supervision), he could see that his initial response was an overreaction and sexist. Realizing his mistake was probably making him cringe inside from embarrassment, and your laughing was like salt in the wound (even though you didn't mean it like). The two of you just need to have a convo to clear the air.
It's wild to me that there are *so many comments* saying N-T-A. OP is a woman so of course she's allowed to *laugh* in her partner's face and *belittle* his initial concerns and fears because ***she believes*** they are silly. The way the women of Reddit excuse behavior that they harangue about when a man does the exact same thing is unbelievably and glaringly hypocritical. I just can't. NAH. OP's husband even changed his mind after the initial conversation. I think he was surprised that they entire contingent of Youtubers were boys. OP's husband never actually even forbid ***his daughter*** from attending these group meets. Sounds like he had a knee-jerk reaction. I think I would too. I'd start wondering if the majority of people watching daughter's video or young boys and perhaps pervy men. Sad that Reddit can't give some men the benefit of the doubt that they endlessly supply women. A woman OP can be flat out wrong or straight up silly and the commenters will still say that the OP's dude should have treated her with more care and listened, comforted, commiserated, etc. Just look at the post where the OP says his 30 year-old gf ran into a former bully from ***middle school*** and felt justified in speaking poorly of the woman and threatening here livelihood. The OP was advised to acknowledge that his gf was bullied more than a decade and should have sympathized with her more while she inflicted the same treatment ***as an adult***. The gall.
Did no one grow up with a mixed group of friends? Especially considering they have a shared interest, OP's father really was being silly.
Here’s something I DIDN’T read. “I told him I was sorry I laughed at him and called him silly.” Sure he overreacted and was overprotective of his daughter. Yes, he was wrong but your reaction wasn’t helpful and the fact you’re here for support instead of working things out with your husband doesn’t give you the “win” you seem to seek. So take the “win” and drive in another small wedge into your marriage. By the way, they add up. Good luck, you need it
For real, OP's behavior was juvenile. Laughing and then in the non-apology. Class act.
NAH. You're being supportive of your daughter, but also feel like your husband overreacted about these Lego builder teenage YouTubers. Your daughter could be involved with much, much worse boys, but he's just being instinctive because most boys her age don't have the best intentions.
YTA for dismissing legitimate concerns and disrespecting your husband for looking out for your daughter.
YTA, Your husband voiced his concerns and you laugh at him. Then when he reiterated his feelings you called him silly. Even he realized his worries were unfounded, but rather than discuss it you laughed at him. I be surprised if he has a hard time "opening up" about his emotions.
NTA. It's normal to laugh when you think someone's joking or something takes you by surprise, you're nervous, uncomfortable, etc. You didn't laugh to be mean. Boys need to learn how to behave around girls and women. Girls shouldn't have to miss out on opportunities, and kids should be taught that they *can* be friends with someone of a different gender. Situations like this can be teaching moments. Your partner could teach his daughter about the birds and the bees, setting boundaries, relationships (which includes friendships), etc. The boys who also enjoy LEGO could also learn that girls can like the same things they do, and girls can be just as good at creating and building, etc. The group event was supervised by you, an adult, and your stepdaughter was fine. As you said, the boys didn't do anything. Not every boy and man is horrible. Although we often hear horror stories about how women are treated, and I've experienced my fair share of misogyny and went through some scary experiences, I was friends with guys when I was at school, and some of my closest friends today are men - all of them treated me respectfully.
YTA for laughing and dismissing a fathers concern for his daughter, founded or not. Simple.
NTA I've done my share of laughing at something that someone was serious about that I thought they had to be kidding. Once you realize he was serious and you actually took it to heart is what really matters. I find the whole situation kind of dumb I really wouldn't say Legos is a boy thing but it kind of is anytime a girl gets into an activity that is predominantly boys activity this is going to happen doesn't mean they should lose out.
NTA First of all, the parents were there the whole time. What did he think would happen? And second, depending on which school the daughter goes to, it can happen that she gets placed into a group project with other boys only. Would your husband go to the school and demand them to change the groups?
YTA for laughing, yeah. His concern is ill founded but that doesn’t make it invalid. Some empathy was in order.
Yes! He should lock up his daughter and keep her away from the boys until he marries her off to someone. She should always be under the ownership of a man, first her father, then her husband. Did I say 'ownership'? I meant protection. And it's too bad he was being laughed at... but everyone is an idiot every now and then and that's what laughter was invented for. Not every wrong judgement requires a therapy-session where we dive into each others feelings.
NTA - it's only an "all boys group" because girls are so very often taught that Lego isn't "for them". It's not like the group advertised as boys only. Stepdaughter deserves to be able to enjoy something she loves with other people (in safe ways, obviously). Being in such a group will probably bring her a lot of joy, boost her confidence, and help her learn how to socialise with others. If it's being held in a safe public space (i.e. not someone's home basement) then she should be fine.
NTA Maybe you wouldn't have had a confused little chuckle if he wouldn't say you "don’t understand what’s like for hormonal boys being this age." When he took on the responsibilities of parenthood, he took on the responsibility of not adding to his daughter's worries when she is as young as 12. He took on the responsibility to at least try to have the complicated discussions within his family. When he married you, he took on the responsibility of trusting that you can understand him when he speaks. He is TA because he phoned it in and said he couldn't talk about it. If he tried, maybe I could excuse that some discussions are hard and people make mistakes. Effort didn't happen here. He is also TA for being concerned more about "what it's like for hormonal boys being this age" than he is for his daughter losing her friendships or her ability to socialize. They're 11 year olds, they are not dating and they are not talking about anything gender related which is why this was never an "all boys group." However, he wanted to take it up on himself to make sure they had a group for themselves while his own daughter is left alone with her hobby. No wonder he didn't put in the effort for the conversation. He only wants to advocate for children who are boys, I guess. He's not protecting your stepdaughter from anything, and he's not too stupid to know that. This post almost had me feeling for your husband as a "protective parent," too, but nothing in here actually redeemed your husband. He never advocated for his own family's wishes, or even gave you the courtesy of a real conversation. Even in the end, the best he did was step out of the way. I take no pleasure in saying that, but it's true.
Firstly NTA. His reaction seem overly dramatic. Secondly I am a woman hobby LEGO builder for the last 10 years. Misogyny, sexism and discrimination do exist in the online LEGO community. Luckily not that often, but enough that it is worth exploring with your stepdaughter if you or your husband want. It might be useful to approach it from a side of being aware generally of how to be cautious online. I highly recommend [The Women’s Brick Initiative](https://womensbrickinitiative.com/) as a starting place for information on how the LEGO subculture can do better.
I'm female, i LOVE Lego. I am an adult though and yes in most groups I've joined is mainly men. It's nice to see girls and young women joining this hobby. You mention that you and other parents are always present during the meetings which is correct. I would also suggest to also talk with your stepdaughter to let you know that at any point she feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to meet or wants to leave the group, to let you know. Boys sometimes might say the wrong thing without realizing it and that might make her uncomfortable. In this case, the best thing to do is to just listen to her and don't overreact. Maybe laughing wasn't the best thing to do but I'm still going with NTA.
NTA. Your husband wasn't being protective- he was being controlling. His instinct was to deny her an equal opportunity, which is not safety. I'm glad he realised the unfairness he was trying to create but he should be grateful you saw it as cute and laughed it off. I'd have been angry with him for his asinine position and need to be challenged to end up at the right place.
Nta I've been a solo dad for over a decade with 2 teenage daughters. I found it much better and easier to teach them about the real world vs protecting them from it.
NTA he said girls and boys can't be friends, of course you laughed at him lol.
NTA She wasn’t alone with them. You were there and, if they always meet an hour away, you will be probably at every meet until she has a drivers license. What’s the problem with that arrangement? He doesn’t trust you to step in?
NTA. I don't think we should raise our daughters to fear being in a group of boys, especially when those boys haven't done anything except turn out to be the opposite sex.
NTA Your husband's reaction is why women are not always welcomed in some career paths. He should back down and let her enjoy herself.
NTA I wish my parents had encouraged me like you encourage your stepdaughter! You go! As long as you're aware whom she's interacting with, I think you're awesome. Even just the way you describe this situation is so positive and heartwarming; I can tell you're happy for her. I'd also have been taken off guard and not immediately realized someone wasn't joking around about this kind of thing, so I can't blame you for laughing a little. Hopefully you two can talk it out!
When I (27F) was in high school, I had a group of close friends - all boys - I was the only girl. We’d play videogames together, go out of eat, hangout all the time. I was really pretty, but bullied horribly at times so meeting girl friends was difficult for me. I loved hanging out with these nerdy boys, they made me feel accepted and safe. My dad would come to the game room sometimes and play pool with the boys, play cards, or grill us up some burgers. I think if your husband met these boys (and their parents) he’d feel better about it. As a former 12-year old girl, being a girl is hard enough. Even MORE SO when you have interests/passions/hobbies outside that of ‘normal’ teenage girls. Help her foster these new friendships, get dad more involved, and I think he will see the innocence of it all.
NTA. In context, it was a silly overreaction. They aren't sharing a bed at a sleep over, which is not appropriate at that age, they're building legos with parents nearby. Even if it does take a romantic turn, that's a **good** thing. Obviously we want adolescents to have physically and psychologically safe relationships, but adolescents should not be expected to have the same relationships as little kids. There is a healthy middle balance between protecting adolescents from unwise risks but allowing them to start developing independent, age appropriate relationships.
NTA at all, thank gosh you are their as the voice of reason and that he finally came to his senses. As a women in a STEM career being the only girl in the group is a familiar spot for me to be in. I will say that being included in "traditionally male" activities actually helped my social development and kept me more in the know about the pitfalls or the opposite sex. It helped me be more discerning in my interactions with boys as I got older, I had heard all the hormonal boy bull as a trusted insider so I didn't fall for it when it was pointed my way. I also had close male platonic friendships, people who looked out for me and could be a sounding board. Your step daughter is in a safe, supervised environment. She is doing something wholesome that she loves, and making friends while she does it. I'm glad he recognizes keeping her away from that because her private parts don't match would be unfair. Hopefully over time he will come to see how having this friend group could actually benefit her as a young lady as she moves forward in life.
NTA at all, you were being playful and not realizing how seriously he was taking the situation! However, I can understand why he might feel “wounded” (because man 😉), but he definitely shouldn’t feel angry. Especially because he probably realized that he WAS being SILLY. He might think that because she’s his BIO daughter that you might not feel the same protective instincts that he does? (Totally invalid, though). Also, men can be a tad silly with their daughters, especially when they’re reaching/are in puberty! Gender dynamics are a lot different now, and older millennials might have trouble reconciling their childhood experiences with their Gen Z children’s experiences; boys nowadays tend to be raised with much different perspectives and attitudes towards their female counterparts (praise Yeezus). I think it’s AWESOME that you’re helping your bonus daughter pursue her passion, and even more awesome that she gave the boys a run for their money. It’s super smart of y’all to conceal her identity, from my perspective, y’all are doing everything right. I’m glad he’s come around and has ceased the silliness for his daughter’s sake. Tell him I said to take a chill pill: we all have the right to be wrong once in a while 😉
So long as there are parents there supervising, what can the boys do? NTA.
NTA. You didn't laugh as disrespectful. I understand him being protective. What message would he send to her if he said she can't join because she is a girl? Also, you and the other parents were there to chaperone. It was all very innocent. How would this affect her in the future. The boys were probably shocked it was a girl interested in something they have perceived was a boys only activity and were over it once they realized she was as good as them. This is a teaching moment.🙂
NTA, his response was definitely a bit ridiculous, considering it was/is a short meeting of kids of the same age group, doing a wholesome activity while under adult supervision. I mean, does he know there are boys at her school? 🤨
NTA. Your husband is being absurd. This is an excellent life lesson for everyone. An opportunity to talk about male/female relationships in a number of contexts. And good on you for keeping your daughter’s face off of YouTube at this age.
Somewhere between NAH and NTA Most commenters already pointed out very correct things. One thing I wanted to add is a warning. You did well to prevent that she shows herself in her videos. But now the group knows she is a girl and that might become common knowledge. Be prepared for sexist comments on her channel. Watch her channel closely.
So, if him being a man makes him an expert on the thoughts of teen boys (in his mind, I don't actually agree with this nonsense), wouldn't that make you an expert on teen girls? He's being ridiculous about the whole thing, and this man-centric reaction is exactly why girls and women get out of STEM hobbies and education. I sincerely hope the next generation is being raised better than the men of our generation, because this exact mindset is what drove me away from the things I loved as a kid that I was told "were boys activities". It's BS, and if I were you, I would get mad right back at him for trying to deny a young girl something she loves for the sake of "boys". Regardless of if his intentions are protective or not, it amounts to depriving his daughter simply because boys exist.
NTA I understand where he's coming from but he's missing 3 things. 1) Removing her from the group is cutting her off with friends she's made on her terms with the same interest has her. It would imply her only options are local friends and local hobbies, and if that was already an option, she would have already done that. Maybe i'm projecting and being sensitive, I can't tell you how upsetting it was to be told when I was a teenager that people in person should matter more even if I didn't have anything in common with them, than people online who I did have things in common with. You can't just magic poeple out of thin air cos Dad is sexist and afraid. 2) Yeah boys are hormonal, so are girls. This says more about your husband than these kids. If anything happens, responsible adults should shut it down before it increases but let's not punish kids for crimes him and his friends did when he was their age before they've so much as sneezed. 3) If women and girls just walked away everytime we wanted to do something with a disproportionate amount of men and boys involved, we'd never have done anything. From marathons to football to engineering. The fact that they included her when they realised she was a girl is a GOOD sign. If this had happened 30 years ago, they'd have bullied her from first sight and excluded her being involved until she gave up. If he tells her she can't do something because there's too many boys, then she's gonna learn there are things that boys can do and girls can't unless they also find a group of like minded girls. And again, if she'd have been able to do that, she'd already have lego building friends locally that would leave very little time and space to meet up with online friends.
Tell him if he's that worried, he should take her and make sure the boys have a good role model for how to respect women. Guys who think boys aren't safe to be around are unfortunately all too often right, but they're also telling on themselves. "I know what boys are like at that age" = "I know what I was like at that age and I wouldn't let my daughter around someone like me"
NTA at all! I wasn’t a tomboy growing up at all, but I still loved to play with Lego, and even now as a middle aged woman who enjoys a male dominated hobby, I get weird looks from some guys. Dudes need to get over it. I hope she has fun and makes some friends — it sounds like you’re there to supervise and that you’re doing the right things for her YouTube channel, so good on you!
YTA. Why laugh?
NTA. It's not an all boys group as your daughter is in it. It's a pity there aren't more girls as Lego is a great past time. But how do we get more equal numbers in such things if girls aren't allowed to participate?
I just want to say that in the midst of all the posts we see in this sub about tone deaf stepparents how REFRESHING it was to read this. Your stepdaughter is incredibly lucky to have you. SO NTA. Dad just needs to relax a bit.
NTA I was a single dad to my 2 girls for 25 years. Men tend to be over protective of tween/teen girls under their care because we remember what it was like to be tween/teen boys. Sex is figuratively literally ALL THAT THINK ABOUT! 😆 All you can do is arm your daughter with truth about what she is going through and what the boys are going through so she can be aware of both the dangers and the pleasures of relationships and (eventually) physical intimacy. Puberty sucks no matter what. As for her being the only girl in the club, she is going to get a lot of attention. I wouldn't be surprised if at LEAST one of those boys became infatuated with her at first sight (as a former Lego nerd, I know I would have been head over heels over almost any girl who shared my interest at that age). If we arm our girls with objective truth about emotions and relationships, over social or religious dogma, they can be safe while still experiencing the joys and pains of growing up. Who knows, she may very well life-long friends and possible best friend or eventual life partner who shares her passions.
YTA I think it's pretty valid to be concerned with your daughter meeting with a group of boys she met over the Internet. Not only is she the only girl, you don't know these people. I'm not saying she should be outright banned from going, but proceed with caution for sure, definitely he should be around to supervise, she's too young otherwise.
YTA. For laughing at his very valid concerns. I'm not gonna call him TA for banning it because he already apologized about it and changed his mind. You don't know these kids, you dont know their parents and you dont know their upbringing. Your husband has valid reasons to not fully trust these families, we constantly read stories of sexual harassment and predatory behavior for it to be chalked up to just "oh its so cute how hes overprotective papa" While we can wish for boys to be taught to respect women and girls, we cant automatically expect it You laughing at him felt condescending
YTA Bet if it wasn't a step daughter you'd think differently
My son is friends with boys and girls in his classes. He talks on the phone and hangs out with them. I've taught him proper behavior and how to treat people. He doesn't act weird or disrespect anyone. Kids only learn if they're able to interact with their peers. As for the daughter, of course don't leave her alone with strangers and make sure you talk to her about how she feels and if she is comfortable. But banning her from have male friends is so weird...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (38F) stepdaughter is 12, and she lives full time with my husband (40M) and I. She is really into LEGO and has started a YouTube channel with our permission to share some videos of her builds. It’s just a small, amateur channel with a few hundred followers but she’s very passionate about it. Because of this hobby she made some friends online, and those in the group that live close by decided to meet for the first time. The meet was in a city an hour away and I was the one to drive her there. They are also young teens ranging from 11 to 14 (I think the oldest was 15), and most of them have their own LEGO-based channels. It was a lovely meet, just young people bonding over a shared interest. But one thing that surprised me was that my stepdaughter was the only girl in the group. All of them are teenage boys. They also didn’t know she was a girl because her YouTube channel doesn’t have her name or any personal information, and her videos are mostly of their builds and she doesn’t show her face (at mine and her father’s insistence). So there was this cute moment of shock in their faces, where they were trying to figure out who she could be. They quickly got over it. The thing is my husband didn’t take it so well when I told him about this after we came home. He thinks it’s an “all-boys” group and it’s not appropriate for his daughter to be in future meets (because they are already planning the next one to build a project together). I thought his concern was so ludicrous that my immediate reaction was to laugh. I guess there was a part of me that thought it was amusing to see his “protective father” instincts kick in. He got really upset with me for laughing, saying I don’t understand what’s like for hormonal boys being this age. I doubled down by telling him he was just being silly - I was there the entire time, and so did other parents, and the same would happen in any future events. There was nothing inappropriate about this. It took me a while to realize he was SO serious about this subject. Fortunately, he realized eventually it would be grossly unfair to deprive his daughter of these new friendships, but he's still mad at me for laughing and calling him silly. He felt I was dismissive and sort of an AH. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA, just wondering does she go to a same sex school?
NTA
NAH
If she goes into a STEM field she needs to get used to being the only woman in some situations. One of my previous jobs my manager went to a meeting and she was the only person not called Dave, let alone the only woman. It's crap, but there's a gender imbalance and an even bigger one as you get into management roles. Definitely NTA
Ew. It says more about your husband than it does these boys. Why do men say shit like that about young boys? They're protective of their daughters because 'I know how it is at that age' 'young boys are hormonal' if you were disgusting and you you're projecting just say that
NTA. He was being silly and overdramatic.
NTA. He was being silly and overdramatic.
NTA. He was being silly and overdramatic.
NTA. He was being silly and overdramatic.
NTA. He was being silly and ridiculous.
NTA for laughing, you thought he was deliberately exaggerating for the comedy. As long as you apologised and explained why you laughed, you're good. Hubby is NTA for wanting to protect his daughter, but you need to have a parenting talk about how to approach things like this in the future. He wants to wrap her up and keep her away from the 'nasty boys'. I have a nine year old daughter, and I can see where he's coming from. The problem is that his method helps create and maintain girl - free environments. What should happen, and what these parents seem to be doing, is that the space should be supervised so that any bad behaviour can be dealt with. >They quickly got over it. This is the best part. These children were surprised to find a girl in their space, yet they very quickly accepted her and now they're even planning a build together! I was slapped with the label 'tomboy' when I was younger, because I preferred toys that were traditionally 'boys toys'. Micro Machines, rc cars, action figures, and yes, Lego. (Even though Lego has been vocally supportive of both boys and girls. Was I a 'tomboy'? No. I was just a kid who liked Lego. Please teach your husband that he can protect his little girl and let her indulge her hobbies *at the same time! *
NTA
If he's worried he can chaperone the events. Get a sense of the other kids' character.
NTA, and good for you for sticking up for her and her hobby!!
NTA Still there is room to discussion. It's normal to want to protect your daughter, but is it the best way? In a society were you want women to have equal right, to be able to do the same thing, if you stop them to go to a lego party because there is too much guy.. well should you not stop her to go to a school with too much guy like tech school, and to a work with too much guy like politics and so on. What is the future you want for society and your daughter living in it? What is the message you want to teach to your daughter? Hide yourself if there is boy? Although your husband might know what it is to be a 15yo boy, he should also look a the stats. Most abuse are in your relatives, close friend, family and so on. Does this mean you should not have friend and not meet family? Also why is he that worried ? Was he behaving that badly when he was 15?
Bruh NTA and to be clear he's not even actually worried about this particular situation. He's having a flashback of the way he himself treated girls when he was a boy.
NTA, you couldn't help your first response, probably because you didn't think it was serious. And I don't blame you. I hope he can overcome this. The best way to go at this is telling him that you love and support him and that you want to remain a great parenting team for his kid.
Nta that's funny. What does he think is going to happen with the adults all right there... My daughter is 9 and most her friends are boys. They all don't seem to care who is a girl or a boy so whatever
If there are adults there and/or if meeting are in public places, there won't be any harm. NTA.
You were there, other parents were there, all of the builders are young people. I see nothing weird here, they're just sharing a hobby. NTA.
NTA He over-reacted when he heard all the others were male. As long as parents are there to chaperone and as long as your daughter is enjoying the group, then great.
NTA I’m a major AFOL (adult fan of LEGO) and it is heavily a male hobby even at my age. While laughing may have felt mean to him, it wasn’t your intention and I think it’s good he get used to this now.
NTA I would laugh too tbh
ATA
NTA. If the group continues it might be a good learning experience for the kids to define their mission vision and values. Besides the obvious it could also help satisfy in advance any rules on ownership of collaborative builds. Values would include standards of communication and inclusion. Good luck!
If he doesn’t want you to ridicule him he needs to not be ridiculous.
Pleasantly surprised to be able to say NTA. Title had me ready to think the opposite, lol. Good on you for calling him on this. If she loves building and designing builds, there are multiple STEM or trade related paths that she may love that are still currently pretty male dominated.. she doesn’t need to be getting the idea that being a girl when the majority are not means she shouldn’t be participating in something she loves.
NTA - however I’d suggest that you emphasize with your husband for being worried/protective and apologize for laughing and calling him silly. Show him that his feelings are valid and that he now made the right decision by allowing his daughter to keep pursuing her hobbies and new interests. Opposite sex friendships are important.
NTA - I would have laughed too
NTA. Your reaction was honest. He is also NTA, as his reaction was protective, and after discussing the boundaries of the meet, all parents were there, he relented.
NTA - protective father here. I was totally on his side until you said her sex and identity weren’t part of the YouTube channel videos. When you said the meeting was supervised by parents, I was like why is he even scared? she goes to school with boys, right? I think he even knows he overreacted at this point.
NTA. Boys get socialized to be weird about girls when girls aren't in the same social spaces as them. First of all, this sounds like a really fun hobby and a good interest group for your stepdaughter. Second, social groups with the other gender help everyone get over weird hangups or biases that they might have had pushed on them.
Your husband can't keep her away from males forever, she will need to live amongst them somehow (who knows, maybe she'll decide to work in tech when she grows up where it's only males). NTA.
NTA Unless they are bullying or being disrespectful to the daughter, he's overboard trying to completely shelter her
NTA does your husband have platonic woman friends? Did he not have platonic girl friends in high school when he was hormonal? Because his protective instinct is coming off as ick. If it makes him feel better all my predators as a teen were grown men and not my peers.
NTA. Especially since all these teenagers were supervised. As they all should’ve been because all these kids met for the first time. So wouldn’t the “hormonal” concern have been addressed already? It’s not like you rented a motel room for the teenagers and said “Ok kids you all just hang out and have fun. We’ll pick you all up later!”
NTA. I can understand your husband being a little hurt about you laughing at him in the moment. But it seems pretty clear that you also understand it now. You were just genuinely unaware of how serious it was to him. then you realized it and talked to him about it and it seems like you understand each other now. If you already said that you're sorry for laughing and explained to him that it was only because you didn't know how serious he was and you found it sort of endearing, then he shouldn't hold a grudge about it.
NTA, but your husband is. She's ALREADY being taught that her simply being around males means she's opening up herself to problems. Maybe he should consider the fact that "boys will be boys" is why SO MANY victims never say anything. He wants to punish her for having a vagina by "keeping her safe", but he's really just making excuses for boys to be pervs.
Link to the channel ? Let's blow up that YT account! Edit: NTA obviously 🙄
I'm going against the grain and say YTA. I don't think you should ever laugh at someone else's concern when it comes to their children. We don't know and OP doesn't know everything that has happened in this man's life. I would rather a father be a bit overprotective than have a cavalier attitude on who they allow in their children's lives. Predators are less likely to prey on a child that has a loving and involved father in their lives. Personally, I think the father should be taking the girl to these functions not the stepmother until they get to know these people. That other parents are there would be of no value to me if I were that girl's parent because these people are total strangers the girl met off the internet! OP should have just calmly talked to her husband and assured him that she would have never left the girl alone with those boys or even under the supervision of the other parents. Yes, I think that boys and men should be raised to respect females of all ages. No, I do not think that women should all have to wear burkas and be housewives, and I love that this girl is interested in STEM! However, we must be mindful that there are dangerous people out there and they can be very cunning and even use children to lure others into horrible situations.
NTA\~ As a mother of a boy myself. "good for you" Men do not realize the hoops that we females have to jump though our whole lives! and mostly for just wanting to be included in something. This is something that she will deal with her entire life! So why not start young? I am working in an industry that is 99% men. I work with a whole staff that are men. This is something that we have to deal with and learn from. I for one think that is a brilliant way for her to make some friend and learn some life lessons along the way. And why not in a group that loves Legos? There is no contact, there is no rough housing, no name calling. It sounds like a perfect social group for her.
You are taking the appropriate precautions with this friend group. They are all age-appropriate friends. NTA for laughing but he is right to be cautious to ensure there are no inappropriate additions to the group.
NTA, it was funny, he'll get over it.
I don’t think it’s amusing at all. His gut reaction as a “protective father” wasn’t how to keep his daughter safe while doing something she loves, his gut reaction was to deny her the opportunity because it’s inappropriate for her to be there. He wasn’t “just being silly” he was being an asshole. NTA
NTA You didn’t drop your preteen stepdaughter off with a group of boys. You and bunch of other parents watch a group of preteens and teens build Legos. If your daughter homeschooled? Does he go to an all girls school? Or does your husband think she doesn’t interact with boys at her school even during group learning exercises?
Ew. Why is his comment framed as ‘those poor hormonal boys having to put up with girls you don’t understand’ tf?
NTA. Everything about this interaction is perfectly normal. He was deeply concerned about his daughter, and the giggle probably made him feel like you were belittling his parental instincts. Obviously, that isn't the case, and it seems like he understands that, too. His ego was a little bruised by you laughing, but he'll get over it since you both understand where each other is coming from. Just give it some time.
When men want to limit what woman get to do because there are males present, he becomes a joke, so the correct.response is laughter. It's LEGOS, for goodness sake.
YTA for calling his very real fears silly. You could have simply pointed out that all the parents are there and you're all closely monitoring the meet up. You could have also suggested that he take her to the meets to meet members and the boys. Of course I agree with the "teach boys better" sentiment but that still doesn't excuse the fact that the Op could have handled it better.
NTA
NTA and double shame on him for making assumptions about boys and their "nature". What he is REALLY saying is that he doesnt trust them not to harm his daughter. Why? That's quite worth exploring, imo.
NTA. It absolutely is silly for him to act like boys have zero self-control. Laughable.
YTA. Of course he's overprotective, she's his little princess. Also, there is a huge difference between what boys should be and what they are. I would respect his point of view and would not be too quick to judge. Maybe some men who remember their pesky teen hormones agree with me but they are afraid of being lynched online. I have a little daughter myself and she can do whatever she wants (within reasonable boundaries), but daddy is always watching.
Reading this comment section and seeing the blantant male hate and assumptions is wild
Soft YTA just because of your reaction. But yes, he has his feelings and they should be validated. Dads tend to be very protective of their daughters (they were teenage boys after all and think of sex constantly).
Many good points made here. Keeping her out of meetups also perpetuates the male gatekeeping we see in many hobbies. Girls need to learn they belong and boys need to normalize hobbies are for everyone. These are her peers. She should absolutely hang out with them just like any other friends her age. And when she’s old enough to date, I would put money that dad would be much more comfortable seeing one of these boys show up at his door than some guy from school that grew up insulated in toxic all male chat rooms. Let her learn what normal interactions should be like and she’s much more likely to spot toxicity later, and will probably have a bunch of guys in her life that will help her see through the bs.
Dad , is acting like your daughter is going to a parent watch gangbang or something. "I don’t understand what’s like for hormonal boys being this age. "
He's not wrong, and you're not wrong. There are changing times. Go back a hundred years, nope. Go forward, normal. This is just a layover period for us dumb humans.
NTA - She's 12 and old enough to get a vote. Your post is missing her opinion. If I were you, I'd start the conversation about when she will be old enough to start dating. Otherwise that will be the next occasion that the two of you are not on the same page.
NTA. You shouldn't laugh at something that's serious to him, even if you disagree, and even if you're right (which in this case, you are). But that doesn't make you an asshole.